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Speak.

Jeff, it's Linda.

Jefferson, I Know you're there.

Okay, you sit. I'll talk.

Jerry and I were wondering...

if you'll come down to Denver for Thanksgiving.

And you can't use last year's excuse.

You're not the only ranger in Colorado.

One last thing. Would you please look for that Elizabeth Blane cookbook...

that I gave you for your birthday?

Bring it, okay? You may not need it, but I do.

Thanks. Call us.

Did I mention this is your sister Linda?

In the last hour, experts predict...

this should be the biggest storm to hit the Rockies in the last decade.

More than 4 feet of snow is anticipated to blanket the area in the next 48 hours.

Speak.

Jeff, it's Captain Marsh from the Base Station. Are you there?

Some kid's wandered off from his cabin. It's about half a mile from your place.

- His parents are very upset. - Obviously.

I'm glad you're there.

Do you mind taking a look around before the storm kicks up?

- How long has the kid been gone? - Six hours.

- Six hours? - Yeah, a long time.

I'm on my way.

Okay? You get a big opener.

All the way around.

Then you pour it in here, you pretend like you're a cook. It's terrific.

Children just love watching you work, you know?

Last night, my grandson, he's 7 years old...

we had the most wonderful evening.

We prepared dinner for the entire family. We had such a wonderful time.

I wanna look at these potatoes now, see how they look.

Look at that. Look at my potatoes. Aren't they beautiful?

I'm gonna teach you the secret ingredient.

What you do before serving these...

is you take some fresh mint...

some parsley, some olive oil, okay?

You grind yourself up a beautiful mint pesto.

- We call... - Cut! What are you talking about?

I thought we went through this three months ago.

- What? - No more pesto.

What should we call it? That's what it is.

I don't care what it is. Don't call it "pesto".

All right, what would I call mint and... What is it, Josie?

- Olive oil. - What would I call that?

Anything but "pesto". Pesto is pass? - Pesto is pass?

That's the kind of concept that keeps Oprah ahead of us in the ratings.

- Oprah never thinks pesto. - What does she think?

She thinks pur�e.

- Pur�e? - Pur�e.

Pur�e is timeless. It's traditional. And tradition is very big right now.

I want that snow to be a little more emotional.

You're not shaking it enough. Would you put your head down?

All right, you guys, clear out. Let's go!

- Is the tie okay? - You are a goddess.

Thank you very much.

- Too much lipstick? - All right, everybody, action.

So now, just before serving your potatoes, you toss them with a little mint pur�e.

My husband just loves mint. He grows it in our garden.

It tastes so good and it smells so nice, too.

Isn't that pretty?

We're gonna set that aside...

because we're gonna move on to our pi�ce de r�sistance.:

Thanksgiving turkey.

Will you work on that turkey, please?

- I love smoking our turkey. - Put a little more color.

Make it shiny. Right.

You see, everyone isn't as lucky as me...

to have your son-in-law build you your very own smokehouse.

Don't you worry about that...

because you can recreate that smoky flavor...

by adding these soaked hickory chips, just like that.

Now when we come back, we're gonna see how that all turned out.

Cut. Perfect! Turkey in!

Turkey out!

Let's go, everybody. This is showtime!

- You were double delicious. - Was it okay?

- You were magnificent. - Thank you.

Who is this guy? I've never seen him before.

Let's go. Too much snow. Calm it down.

All right, everybody, out! Let's go. This is showtime.

Get them out.

Action.

All right, here we are, four hours later. Let's see how our turkey looks.

Those hickory chips sure pack a wallop, don't they?

But I think we can get...

Look at our bird! Our bird looks so beautiful.

All brown and crunchy on the outside, and juicy and moist on the inside...

after hours and hours of basting.

I just hope your family enjoys it as much as mine.

So from all of mine to all of yours...

good health, good eating, goodbye, and Happy Thanksgiving!

Cut. What a great show!

- Elizabeth, you were magnificent. - Was I? Thank you.

And that turkey. What a beautiful turkey! You were all great.

Okay, on to 149.

Did somebody's cat die? Let's go, everybody.

Nobody's going anywhere but me. I'm going home.

First of all, I just wanna thank you all. Every one of you.

The best crew I've ever worked with.

Go home. Be with your family. Happy Thanksgiving!

Oh, boy.

Hiya, Mike. Are you okay today?

...six days of finding the ranger and the little boy.

Here at the hospital we spoke to two medical experts...

both of whom feel that while it's possible they may still be alive...

we can expect severe dehydration.

Elizabeth. Hey, wait.

If you don't have any plans for Thanksgiving...

I mean, Tyler and I have this super-big turkey.

Thank you so much. I'd really love to, but...

No.

- You upset with me? - No. You, a goddess? Please.

I just wish you'd go somewhere for the holidays.

I will be somewhere. I'll be home.

- Don't you ever get lonely? - I'm around people all day.

No, not that kind of lonely. You know, lonely.

I mean, look at you. I'd kill to look like that.

I'm just not interested in a relationship right now.

I mean, I'm not not interested in a relationship.

It's just that I like things the way they are, all simple and uncomplicated.

You cannot con me, Elizabeth. Everyone wants someone special.

I had someone special, Josie. I had my husband, you know.

When he died, it wasn't special anymore. It just hurt.

Look at that.

I've been looking for one just like that.

- This one? - No, that there.

This one here?

What?

- Got you. - I can't.

You okay? I got you.

It's okay. You're safe.

Hang on, Billy. Hang on, partner.

It's gonna be okay.

Norah, I'm home. Sorry I'm late.

I have your dinner warming in the oven, Mrs. B.

Thank you, Norah.

- Mrs. B. - What?

You didn't.

Norah, of course I didn't. I made a promise, didn't I?

I said no more spending until after New Year's. I wouldn't...

What are you looking at me like that for?

No, now look at me. I'm clean, I don't have a bag on me.

Listen, I'm certain that you've got pumpkin or turkey...

to get ready for Thanksgiving.

- Why don't you go on home? - Anything you say, Mrs. B.

- Sure you don't need me tomorrow? - I'm sure I don't.

Happy Thanksgiving, Norah. See you Friday.

All right, easy.

- I'll take the kid. - Dad.

Thank you for saving my boy.

It's a scene all of America has been waiting for.

Park Ranger Jefferson Jones and 5-year-old Billy Futterman...

have been found safe after being lost for nearly a week.

For those of you who just tuned in, we're looking at live footage...

of Jefferson Jones' safe return with the little boy.

They're on their way now to Memorial Hospital...

where Sam Simon is standing by.

After today, there isn't a person alive...

who won't know the name Jefferson Jones.

Not since the Lindbergh kidnapping...

not since the rescue of Baby Jessica...

has there been so much interest in a news event.

Every TVnetwork, every news service has picked up the story.

And television ratings have tripled in the last few hours.

Television ratings have tripled.

Body of Christ.

Think America. Think Christmas. Think 40-share rating.

- He pushed me. I was next. - Sir, this is a holy place.

Let's go live now to Memorial Hospital to Sam Simon.

Sam, what's going on there?

They're bringing Jefferson Jones into the hospital now.

As you might imagine, there's much to be thankful for...

on this Thanksgiving night.

Jones and the little boy are both doing as well as can be expected...

and we've been told that Jones said...

he's looking forward to his first hot-cooked meal.

The paramedics are opening the ambulance doors now.

And there's Jefferson Jones about to step out.

He looks pretty good after six days of starvation...

and those freezing temperatures. But look at him.

He's still concerned about Billy's welfare. What a man. What a hero.

Jefferson Jones and the boy...

You get the idea?

Alex, you woke me up to show me this? I admit, the ranger's a real hero.

- But what's that got to do with me? - Listen to me, darling.

He's not just a hero. He's a national hero.

\x22Every TV network, every news service has picked up the story.\x22

Terrific. What does it have to do with me?

- Don't you see? - No, I don't.

- You're his hero. - Why?

- You're a hero's hero. - Why?

This is big. Watch.

We're getting reports about a fire.

Yes, unfortunately, in a tragic twist of fate...

Jefferson Jones' cabin, his home, burned to the ground...

while he was risking his life to save the child.

That's right, George, and according to firefighters...

- one of the possessions he has left... - My cookbook?

...is this.

This is big!

What, just because one of my cookbooks survived a fire?

Alex, you need medicine.

Because I've sold you as a prime-time special.

You what?

I convinced Paul Prescott, the head of the network, in a church...

that he ought to give you a prime-time Christmas special.

- Are you serious? - I'm serious.

What kind of a special?

Hero. Saves kid. Loses house. Has nothing...

except his fantasies about your cooking.

Your plum pudding, your candied yam...

your world-famous Christmas goose.

Jefferson Jones, come on down. It's kismet!

Are you serious? I'm doing my own... I'm going prime-time?

Not only prime-time, but live.

- I'm going live? - Live!

Oh, my God, it's an event.

Christmas in Connecticut!

Wait till all America sees you and all the other Blanes...

sitting down to a Christmas dinner with Jones himself.

- Alex, are you crazy? - Cover of TV Guide, easy.

Alex, there are no other Blanes. Listen to me.

There is no house in Connecticut. What are you talking about?

- Just details. - Details? What...

Liz-ball, details.

Leave the details to me. I'll take care of it.

I need an espresso. I need a buzz!

I need a gun.

I've got it all figured out.

My sister's kids are gonna be your grandkids.

That's Kevin and Melissa. And Josie, okay?

Josie's gonna be your daughter, Mary, because she knows how to cook.

And I shall play your loving, debonair husband... What's his name?

- What choice do you have? - I'd sooner stick hot needles in my eyes.

- I need something to eat. - I am not gonna do it, Alex.

You just give me one good reason why I should. Tell me.

Because the show means promotion. Promotion means ratings.

And ratings mean money.

Money?

Why can't it be me and Jones?

Because we've sold the public on you and the family.

Now you've got to deliver.

You promised me this would never happen. You promised me!

- You and I both know I can't cook. - Don't say that so loud.

- I can't cook, Alex. I can't cook! - What are you moaning about?

I saved you.

What were you before I rescued you from that dead-end magazine?

- Happy, I was happy. - A no-nothing writer.

- That's what I was. I was happy. - Oh, poor baby. And now you're famous.

That's right. And in debt.

Everybody needs fairy tales. People need cooking, home, devotion.

- So Cinderella becomes a pumpkin. - This pumpkin says no.

Well, if you won't do it for us, do it for Josie.

Think of the little people on the set. They need it.

- What about Tanya, the cue card girl? - Her name is Theresa.

I won't do it. No way! It's out of the question.

I know it's a lot to ask, Tyler. I do know that.

It'll only be for a couple of days.

- Impossible. - Why?

Look, do you think I like doing this?

Do you think I live to hand out menus for Chocki's Chicken Chuckwagon?

- You look very cute. - Oh, really?

When was the last time you had to wear a feather suit to work?

I'm an actor. I have an audition on the 27th, and I need to prepare.

- And I need to cook for Elizabeth. - Wait a minute.

I got a great idea. Why not look at it this way?

I mean, you could prepare as my son-in-law out in Connecticut.

This might be the opportunity that you've been thinking of.

Think of all the people that will be seeing you on this special.

- Directors, agents... - The operative word is your special.

No one's gonna notice me.

I'll just be an insignificant speck in the constellation of your stardom.

- Why must you always do this, Tyler? - Look, I need a break!

- He needs a break. - I need to be noticed.

And not as Elizabeth Blane's son, but as an artist.

Why don't you tell her what you're auditioning for?

- What are you auditioning for? - For a serial killer on Days of Love.

- Isn't that nice? - Real art.

Sure, it's a good time to joke about it now.

What about two years from now? What if this turns into a lead?

Then we'll be talking a totally different story. I'm not gonna blow this audition.

If you don't do this, I could be out of a job, we'd be on the streets.

- So adjust. - You can adjust, Tyler.

Adjustment is nice.

You never cease to amaze me, Jefferson.

Even burned my pipe.

You? On some cooking show.

I don't believe it.

Elizabeth Blane is not only America's favorite cook...

she's America's favorite mom. Got a husband, kid...

grandkid, people. Lots of people, get it?

You hate people.

So why do it?

I got 25,000 reasons:

one for every dollar the network's paying me.

You're not going Hollywood on me, are you?

Listen, these people want to think...

I sit around dreaming about this Blane woman's Christmas goose...

whatever that is.

If it gets me the money to put this back up...

I can put up with her stuff for a couple of days.

Elizabeth Blane hunts her own Christmas goose.

She's famous for it.

You're such a big fan, you better brush up.

I will.

- When are you leaving? - Soon as I'm packed.

I'm packed.

God! What are you doing?

I'm getting in the part of your loving husband.

Who's your role model, Hugh Hefner? Look at you.

Let me show you the rest of the house.

This is the entry hall going through this... - It's beautiful.

- What was that, dear? - That was my nephew, Andrew.

Anthony!

My name's Anthony.

Your name is Kevin, and he's your grandson.

- He doesn't look seven. - I'm 10.

It's close enough.

- Where's the TV? - I don't know.

- What good are you? - I don't know.

Mrs. B?

Norah, I'm so glad to see you. I know you...

- Who's this? I don't know this. - This is my sister's other kid.

Your grandchild, Melissa. Isn't she adorable?

She's got your eyes and my...

What is going on?

Why is everybody... What?

I'll get her bottle.

Hello.

I know exactly how you feel, dear. It's okay.

Right.

- I don't think she's very happy here. - Oh, no.

- What is it? - Drool.

- Drool? - Here.

What is it doing? Wait a... Norah. Hello!

Kevin, come and meet your mother and father.

- Anthony! - What?

Now listen to me. Your name is Kevin. When I say Kevin, you come, okay?

- You can call me... - Grandmother? Granny? Gramps?

You call me that, I'll put you in my soup.

Tyler, I'm so glad to see you. Kevin, this is your father.

Ever wondered what it would feel like to sew your eyes closed?

- Charming. - Cool.

He's in character. He refuses to give up the soap audition.

What about the character of my son-in-law?

- I'm here, aren't I? - Thank you very much.

- We fought all the way. - How come?

I'll tell you later. Hon, where are you going?

- I'll be back. - I love that guy.

This is your mother. Kevin, I'm talking to you!

- Is he all right? - He's just a little strange, that's all.

- The kitchen's there. - Don't touch that!

- This is your daughter. - Don't touch that.

Oh, she is so cute.

- What's the matter? - Put it down!

No! What are you...

What happened? Not...

- I told you to be careful, didn't I? - Don't yell!

Do you have any idea how much money I had to put up as a security deposit?

Hello?

- You idiot! - I hate you!

Will somebody stop the ringing, please?

What? Who's ringing? Hello?

- Everybody out! - It's the fax phone.

Norah, I want to be alone now.

Mrs. Blane?

- Are you okay? - I'm fine.

Who are you?

- You're Jefferson Jones. - Afraid so, ma'am.

- What are you doing here? - Excuse me?

What are you doing here today?

You're not supposed to be here until the 25th.

- Not according to this fax. - What fax?

This one.

\x22Please come early and get to know my family. Signed, Elizabeth Blane.\x22

- Stop this! - You won't listen to my needs, forget it.

What about what I want?

- You're so destructive! - Not my fault!

You're breaking everything.

Where is the diaper bag?

Mr. Jones, I'd like to introduce my family.

Family, this is Jefferson Jones.

- Jonesy. I see you got my fax. - Your fax?

I cut a deal with People magazine.

They're gonna write a story on how America's hostess...

spends three days with America's hero.

Isn't that nice?

Maybe you could just show me where my room is.

Nonsense. I want you to meet the family.

By the way, I'm Mr. Elizabeth Blane, but you can call me...

- John Blane. - John. I'm mighty proud of it.

Mr. Jones, let me introduce you to my family.

I'd like you to meet my daughter, Mary, and her husband, Evan.

I love the smell of human hair when it burns.

I've been traveling all night. Maybe I could go wash up?

Can I have my allowance now?

- I beg your pardon, dear? - My special $10 allowance, Granny.

Ask your grandfather. Get it from him.

And this little pudge-face is my granddaughter, Melissa.

She's so cute.

She's got your eyes.

It's hard to believe, looking at you, that you got two grandchildren.

I find it really hard to believe it myself sometimes.

We are vampires.

We suck the blood of innocents and stay forever young.

Sweet. Mary, why don't you and Evan take the children upstairs?

I'll hold it for you.

Will you show Mr. Jones to his room, please?

- Sure. - That'd be good.

- Sure. Which one? - Norah hasn't been with us for very long.

It's the first one on the left. Thank you.

When should I start dinner?

- Are you the cook? - Of course I'm the cook.

But that's my occupation.

So since I'm on vacation...

Mary's gonna take over in the kitchen until Christmas.

Thanks, Mary. Any time you want now.

You have an interesting family.

Yes, aren't they? Very interesting.

That's very manly of you.

- You were running low. - Thank you.

I suppose you just love being outside.

I mean, coming from that mountainly place you come from.

Colorado.

Smell that?

Oh, yes, that's my Chanel No. 5.

It's cedar.

Of course. Cedar.

I bet you can't buy that at Bloomingdale's.

You're right.

How long did you live alone up in that...

cabin place?

- Eleven years. - Eleven years?

Alone, alone? I mean, no...

- Women? - Pets.

Neither.

That's a long time.

- I thought about it a lot. - Women?

Pets.

Excuse me.

Hi, Mary.

I can't do this.

Why? What's the matter? Hi, sweetie. What's the matter, Mary?

- Mary's under a lot of stress. - Maybe we should finish up for her.

- Finish up what? - Her bath.

You ought to be an expert at this.

No big deal. There's water, there's soap, there's a rubber duck. It's pretty routine.

You know what? I just had the most wonderful idea.

- How would you like to bathe her? - Me?

Sure, I think it would be fun for you. Here.

Let go of my hair, sweetheart.

You want to get in the bath?

You two just have fun. I'll see you in a while.

Where are you going? You're gonna supervise for me?

- Hi, sweetie. - Is it too hot?

It is too hot.

- Hi, honey. - I don't blame you.

- Don't get water in her eyes. - No, I'm not. I'm okay.

- She got any soap? - Of course, soap.

Want some soap? Here's some soap, sweetie.

- Is it just a little hot? - Here's a duck.

What about her hair? Should we wash it?

Well, I'll rinse and you put shampoo.

All right. Okay.

- That's too much. - What do you mean, it's too much?

I'm telling you. Watch her eyes, I told you.

Wait a minute. My fault.

Sorry, you're right. You're the expert.

Oh, you sweet thing. Sorry.

I don't know if we got all the soap out.

- We did. - She likes that.

You're awfully good with that for a bachelor.

You sure you don't have a whole slew of kids hidden somewhere?

I nursed a couple of bear cubs till their mother came back.

- This is better than bear cubs. - Ain't she a beauty?

Josie, there you are. Don't you ever do that to me again.

You hand me this small, little, slippery, wet baby.

I don't know how to handle a baby. I've never...

What's the matter, babe?

- Do you want to talk about it? - No.

Okay.

Tyler's leaving me.

Tyler's what?

I want to have a baby, Liz. He doesn't.

Josie, the two of you can work it out, can't you?

You've seen the way Tyler behaves. Like Charles Manson.

Do you know what it's like living like that?

When he was up for Felix in The Odd Couple...

we had our biggest fight over a coffee ring on the table.

When he was up for the stage manager in Our Town...

we had to experience small-town life by moving in with his parents...

in Dayton, Ohio!

With every new part, comes a completely different personality.

He's so obsessed with his career.

How are we ever going to have a life together?

Why don't you just be honest?

It won't change anything.

You know something?

It might.

It just might.

Hey, Jonesy baby, wait a minute.

Mind if I come along with you?

You don't mind me tagging along, do you?

- Come on. - Nice and nippy. Thanks.

I did want to have a little talk with you...

since I'm the producer and I'm giving you $25,000 for the show...

I thought I'd tell you what's what.

You're gonna see a part of showbiz that very few people see.

- You know, show business magic. - Right.

So I just wanted to bring you up to date with everything.

There may be a time, there's just the possibility...

I'm not sure that it's gonna happen, but it's a possibility...

that somewhere along the line... It's really chilly.

...that somewhere along the line you're not gonna see Elizabeth cook.

You got any questions?

How long have you two been married?

Well, time is relative, and relative is relative.

But it's been worth every minute of it. You know what I mean by \x22worth.\x22

She's like a cabernet of love.

She gets richer, fuller, more intoxicating with age, you know.

You know what I think it is? I think it's chemical.

Every time I get a whiff of her...

I wanna take her in my arms and give her a kiss.

You know what drives her crazy? When I suck her toes.

She goes crazy, like a horse.

But look who I'm talking to. A good-looking guy like you.

You're out there getting all that action.

- Nobody ever neighed for me. - That takes a little special finesse.

I could teach you how to do it, if you want.

Can I ask you a question, please? It's 40 degrees below zero out here.

- What are we doing here? - I was taking a walk.

Enjoy yourself.

Without the cover, you got no story. I told you that. You're late.

You snooze, you lose.

Tell me something: Do you dream in color? Or in black and white?

Would you please pass me that end piece?

Can I have some potatoes?

- Is your food all right? - Yeah, I just fill up quick these days.

Of course, after what you've been through.

Hey, mister, if they didn't find you, would you have eaten that kid?

- I don't think so. - Pass the potatoes.

Would you have eaten your own foot?

- Kevin! - Maybe.

- Would you like some peas? - How do you like this chow?

I bet you didn't run across any Chateaubriand in the forest, did you?

No, this is real good.

I guess I'm just more...

a 4:00 a.m. black-coffee-bacon- and-flapjacks kind of person.

Flapjack? What a coincidence.

Elizabeth wrote a whole book about flapjacks.

- You want flapjacks? - Mary will cook them in the morning.

- The potatoes? - I love flapjacks.

- Pass the potatoes! - Here!

Shut up!

Do you have to talk to him that way? He's only a kid.

- You're the big expert on kids, right? - At least I want them!

Fine.

Dessert, anyone?

I noticed you don't have a Christmas tree.

- There's a good reason for that. - Very good reason for that.

We have to wait until Christmas.

- We wait until Christmas. - Why?

Why?

- For the show. - Of course, our show. Absolutely.

See, the set decorator comes in and he does the whole house.

Oh, the whole house.

- Every nook and cranny. - Yes.

- Normally... - We have a huge Christmas tree.

- Really big. - Yes, a veritable redwood, you know?

- But this year, we have prime-time. - Yes.

Mr. Jones, you're such a fascinating man.

I was just wondering, have you always been a park ranger?

Actually, before I moved to Colorado, I lived in Chicago. I grew up there.

Taught Comparative Literature at the University for 10 years.

Really? Wow!

Then I quit and moved west.

Why? I mean, why would you give up teaching?

I got offered tenure and Head of the Department...

and it's what I thought I wanted.

But it meant being caged in...

by concrete and crowds for the rest of my life.

One day I went to work, and it was like going into a long, dark tunnel.

I knew I was never going to see the other end. I couldn't do it.

People were telling me what to do. I had to be outdoors.

You know what I'm talking about, living out here.

Excuse me.

I admire you for giving up the city, you know...

to raise a family in the country.

- You figured it out before I did. - We try.

Well, it's been a long day.

I think I'm gonna turn in.

- Elizabeth? - What?

- Time to go to bed. - Together?

I mean, it's only 9:30, dear.

But you know what they say in the country.

- What do they say? - Early to bed, early to rise.

That's if you've got cows and things. This is Connecticut, and we've got guests.

- You go to bed. - But you know I can't sleep without you.

We're like two spoons.

For God's sakes, John, what are you talking about?

- Well, I mean... - We have company.

Please, Jonesy's a grown man. You and I are adults...

- You're a grown man, too. - Yes, but still.

- Go to bed alone. - I don't wanna go alone.

- Dear, I want you to. - You all go on.

- No! We don't have to go. - Mom!

Yes?

- Can you come up here? - Yes, of course I will.

No, she can't. Mom and Dad are going to bed.

What is it, darling?

Kevin wants Grandma to read him a bedtime story.

Kevin wants Grandma to read him a bedtime story.

I couldn't disappoint Kevin. Excuse me please, Mr. Jones.

She's such a mother.

Kevin, you want to make $20 cash right now?

Get in bed, pretend like I'm reading to you. Hustle.

\x22It was his destiny to slay the dragon...

\x22and save the kingdom.

\x22The great big kingdom was there.\x22 Absolutely there.

Hey, where's my $20?

For $50, I can fake a nightmare and sleep in your bed.

Thanks, Kevo. I'll keep that in mind. I'll remember that.

Thought you were going to bed?

I was. Just, you know, doing my exercises.

Very important to stay in shape, you know.

- Good night! - Good night.

Forgot the toothpaste.

Norah, you scared me half to death.

- What are you doing down here? - I was fixing myself a snack.

I heard a woman scream.

We didn't hear anything, did we?

- I thought you were going to bed. - So did I.

So did I.

Good night.

- Mrs. Blane? - Yes?

- Are you going for the goose tomorrow? - The goose?

The Christmas goose.

The one we hunt every Christmas Eve morning...

after having slept all night together.

That goose. I knew what goose.

I thought this year, with the show, we wouldn't do that.

I'd love to come along with you.

- I saw a whole flock of geese this morning. - You can't.

I'm sorry, but we only have two guns, or two rifles.

- Right? - I don't know. Don't start me to lying.

- Isn't that right, John? - I could check around.

No, we couldn't possibly. It's a family tradition.

Every year, just John and me.

He could take my place.

- Sure? - Are you kidding? You're my guest.

- What time do we start? - Early.

Very, very early.

I don't wanna wake you up. I'd better sleep in the den.

- No, I don't think that's necessary. - It is necessary, my sweetest.

- No. - My darling.

Good night.

Oh, no.

- Good morning. Ready for the hunt? - The hunt.

- Coffee? - No, thank you. I don't want any coffee.

- Did you sleep well last night? - I slept okay. What is that?

- What? - That?

- That's the sun. - No.

That's the sun? It's all pink and blue.

- You got any sugar? - Sure.

Sugar, someplace.

- Sugar. - Forget it. We ought to get going.

- I have an orange. You want one? - Let's go.

- Two oranges? - Yeah.

Do you always wear all those clothes when you go hunting?

Always.

- Do you ever get hot? - Are you kidding me? Never.

- You're staring at me. - Sorry.

It's my hair, isn't it? It's all poofy.

No, you look fine.

I was just wondering how you do it.

- Do what? - Live out here.

Take care of a family. Maintain a career.

Look like you do.

- It's gotta be the clean living. - Or the facials I get every week.

I know this might be hard for you to accept, I actually like New York City.

And the crime?

- Theaters. - Pollution.

- Museums. - Sex, drugs...

Rock 'n' roll. I love the whole scene.

Wouldn't seem so great if you couldn't escape to Connecticut.

Yeah, well.

Hey, wait for me. Would you carry my gun?

And me?

This is great. I really love this.

Can we turn around now?

You got everything, a beautiful home...

successful career, terrific family.

What more could you possibly want?

Maybe to be appreciated for more than my beautiful home...

successful career, and incredible family.

I know.

You do?

Yeah, you have grace, intelligence, and a sense of humor.

It's a killer combination.

Why, Jefferson Jones, I actually think you're flirting with me.

This is crazy.

Listen.

It's a family. Aren't they sweet?

What are you doing? You're not gonna...

You didn't get it?

Good morning, family!

Forget it. Hey, I think they're coming.

They're here! All right, everybody. Let's make it look family time. Let's go.

Elizabeth's here. Come on.

If you won't do it for me, do it for Elizabeth.

There you go. That's it. Perfect.

\x22Captain Flash came screaming from the sky from his rocket ship.\x22

- Good morning! - Good morning.

Get a grip, Gramps.

Yeah, Gramp, get a grip. Hi, Gorgeous.

- Where's dinner? - Buy a turkey.

I missed a goose by a mile. Something distracted me.

It sure did.

You're just in time to flip the flapjacks, dumpling.

Flapjacks?

I'm not in a flipping mood this morning. Let Norah do it.

- I don't flip. I scoop. - You do?

No, I want you to flip me a flapjack, please.

- You haven't done one in such a long time. - What?

For me. If not for me, do it for our honored guest, Jonesy.

- Don't you wanna see her flapjack? - Absolutely.

- We'd love to see you flip a flapjack. - You'd love to see me flip.

- Flip a flapjack. For you? - Yes.

I'd be happy to, John. Happy to.

- Oh, my God. - This is gonna be good.

- Norah, make way. - Come on, Jonesy.

All right, gather round, everyone. This is it.

This is it.

- Yeah, all right! - Do another one.

No, sorry, folks, one is my limit. Make way.

I'll see you in a while.

Go away.

Oh, God. I know I'm gonna regret this.

Okay, the door isn't locked. Come in.

Liz, it's Tyler.

- He's gone. - What?

I just checked the room. He took all his things.

Come on, sweetie. It's all right.

Come on, we'll think of something.

Attention, all passengers.

The train from Eastport leaving to Hartford, Bristol and New Haven...

has been delayed.

Aren't you a little bit old to be running away from home?

Josie's really worried sick about you.

I know this is going to surprise you, but I know what you're going through.

- I know just the way you feel. - Good, then we needn't discuss it.

You want that career so badly, you can taste it.

Nothing else can come in front of it.

Let me ask you something: If you had to choose...

if you had to give up Josie for your career, would you do that?

No, of course not. I would never want that.

When you're starting out, your career has to come first.

Bull! If you have someone to love who loves you back...

everything else is secondary. I don't care what it is.

Your home, your job, your career, everything.

Easy to say from where you sit.

Especially from where I sit, mister. Listen to me.

All those wonderful things that go with a sensational career...

all those things don't mean diddlysquat...

if you don't have someone special to share them with.

Do you understand what I'm saying to you?

Do you?

Do you understand what I'm saying to you?

Tyler is a loser, with a capital \x22L.\x22 He is a loser.

And here's a beautiful woman like you crying over a ding-dong loser.

I can't believe it. I hate losers. You know why? 'Cause I'm a winner.

And you know what winners can do? Winners know how to treat a woman.

I know what a woman wants. I know what a woman needs.

I know what a woman feels.

Take this Jefferson.

You think he knows what a woman wants? He's dumb.

Lives in a log cabin, dresses like Howdy Doody.

What does he know about women?

Do you think Elizabeth could go for a guy like that?

Think about it a little bit. A log cabin?

She lives in this beautiful penthouse in New York City...

goes to the theater, parties with me.

I mean, you got to be out of your head to even consider something like that.

What am I doing up here?

Giving me advice.

Oh, yeah, exactly. I got it.

Go blonde and dump Tyler.

Come on, give me a little smile.

I've been looking for you.

Hi. I had to run some errands.

How you doing?

Do you think John would mind if I borrowed you for half an hour?

Well, I'm not the family mule.

You don't need his permission to spend time with me.

- If you want to ask someone, ask me. - You mean yes?

I've been trying to think of a scene...

where the husband and wife kiss and make up.

Maybe you can improvise.

Improvise?

Okay.

Josie, I'm sorry.

I don't want to fight anymore.

I'm bored. Can we do something?

Kevin, I don't think this is a good time.

Okay, I'll wait.

- So you want to show me trees? - A Christmas tree.

- What do you mean? - I saw it yesterday when I took a walk.

I found this beautiful little tree. It reminded me of you.

I've been thinking about it ever since.

But we can't have our own tree.

Listen, I know all about the show and the set decorator.

- You got to use your own decoration. - Why?

This is Christmas Eve.

You got to have a tree for the kids.

I think it's a great idea.

- What do you think? - This tree?

It's a nice little tree.

Well, let's go.

Look at you. Sitting there so innocent...

so beautiful.

You tried to make me think it was okay...

but it isn't!

You lied to me!

You lied!

And now it's time to pay the price.

Okay, this is when you say:

\x22Roger, you're sick. You need help. Killing me won't solve anything.\x22

Who writes this stuff?

Certainly not you. You're too smart.

You'll probably go your whole adorable little life...

never even watching a soap opera.

You don't watch that stuff.

Okay, back in character.

You got to help me here, darling. I got to think psychopath.

Now's my chance.

Finally alone!

I've had about enough of you crying all hours of the night!

I got news for you. I'm going to sell you.

That's right. We're broke, so you're going to the highest bidder.

A kid like you ought to keep us in gravy for the rest of the year.

And then I'll have to kill the rest of them!

And I know just how I'll do it.

But first things first.

- Look, Josie. - You look just like him.

- Hey, they're back. - Look.

What's that?

What does it look like? It's our Christmas tree.

Where's the wooden stand the lot guy always makes you pay $5 for?

- It didn't come from a lot. - It came from the forest.

- Weird. - I'll show you \x22weird.\x22

- Wipe your shoes off. - Hey, tree time!

- Don't get it all over. - Careful, Kevin.

Hi, Mommy. How was she?

Right over there, in front of the window.

- Where are the decorations? - Decorations?

Wait a minute.

You got some, don't you?

No. Actually, we had a burglary last year.

They stole all of the decorations.

What kind of a person steals Christmas decorations?

- A bad person. - It's very important.

Just give me a second. Wait. What is it?

- You got any popcorn? - Yes.

- Cranberries? - We've everything you could want.

- Yes, and I got our lights put out front. - We're in business.

All right, that's it. Come on. No, don't pull on my cranberries.

This is so frustrating when you can't get these things undone.

- What? - Watch.

Showoff. Look how easily he did that.

- You guys, save some popcorn for me. - Kevin, you guys finished down there?

We're all finished.

I have a surprise.

- Look, I made cookies. - Norah, you're so sweet.

- Look at these. - Aren't they beautiful?

- Can we make some skull heads? - Skull heads? That's a good idea.

We'll all make skull heads. All right, come on, Dad.

- I am not making skull heads. - Yes, you are now.

What's a skull head?

You got left with a cookie in your mouth.

Look at that, they left us and stranded us.

I guess we're gonna have to decorate the tree?

- I don't like that there. - I guess so.

Let me see where this belongs.

- No, wait a minute. - Right there.

- You can't do that. - Why not?

It's too big. The big ones go on the bottom.

I don't like it there. Why do they have to go on the bottom?

- Because the little ones go on top. - I don't like rules. I hate rules.

It's perfect.

You know, the top of the tree looks really empty.

I know just what to put up there. I'll get it and come right back.

Something's wrong with Tyler. - Tyler's all right. He's a little confused...

There's something not right about him.

There's something not right about a lot of things here.

- He could be dangerous. - Come on, Alex.

He's about as dangerous as that little baby, Melissa.

But, listen, he could ruin the show.

It's not too late to recast him.

Alex, you really worry too much. You really do.

I mean, this is Christmas, munchkins.

What in the world could possibly go wrong?

- What is that? - It's so beautiful.

I'm telling you, I think a skull head would look much better.

- It's perfect. - Just like a pro.

- I knew it would be just right. - This is prettiful.

- It's nice. - Let's light it.

- Let's go for it. - Go ahead, go for it.

All right. Watch closely.

All right!

I can't believe it.

We did that.

- You act like you never had one before. - I haven't!

I mean, not this beautiful.

I think this is the most beautiful tree in the world. Never seen anything...

I was gonna wait until morning, but I just can't now.

I'll explain when I get back. Just wait a minute, okay?

You're good at that, kid.

- Jefferson. - Gifts.

Merry Christmas.

- Sweetheart. - I love gifts.

This is so beautiful.

I think I know what it is.

Love Isn't Always Easy.

This is exactly what we need.

- It's what you need. - No, it's what you need.

All right. This is just what I need.

This is what we need.

Thank you.

Look at me.

Where's Alex?

Look what I got. I got a cone.

I love these glasses. Thank you, Gramps.

You know what? We didn't get you anything.

- I don't need anything. I've got you. - Not so fast. I got something for you.

- What is that? - Since yours is up on the tree...

I figured you might want that.

- Look at me. - How sweet.

I love it. Thank you very much.

Time to celebrate.

Champagne!

There.

- Thank you. Here we go. - Let me help.

You can hold it, but don't drink. I want to make a toast before you drink.

Just a little toast here.

To my family.

- Oh, no. - Who turned out the lights?

It's dark. Tyler, let's go make a baby right now.

Who's touching me? Get your hands off.

\x22'Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house

\x22Not a creature was stirring not even a mouse

\x22The stockings were hung by the chimney with care

\x22In hopes that St. Nicholas soon would be there

\x22The children were nestled all snug in their beds

\x22While visions of sugar-plums danced in their heads\x22

Look what I have for everyone. Your favorite chocolate coconut angels.

Come on in. It's open!

It's been an absolutely perfect Christmas.

We're so happy that you could all join us...

and special thanks to our guest, Jefferson Jones.

God bless you all.

And cut! Perfect.

Nice, very nice.

Next year, let's do Christmas in Florida. It's way too cold here.

Okay, it was great. You were all so wonderful.

It was lousy! Lousy! Nothing worked!

You guys out there with the snow, you made it look like dandruff!

Kevin, I told you, the minute the doorbell rings, say:

"Come on in". And stop eating the props!

Can't you get that baby to smile? Smile.

This tree. I hate this tree.

This green tree, I hate. So green tree out.

Bring in the traditional pink one.

- Come on, let's go, guys. - I loved our tree.

Time is wasting. Tyler, you were really excellent.

Jefferson, look, you're a little too wooden.

Just smile a little more. You're not playing in a funeral.

I told you, I don't play the piano. I feel like an idiot.

You don't feel like an idiot or look like an idiot. You look great.

Would somebody please shut the music?

All right, everybody. From the top.

Mrs. B.! Some local folks just called...

and invited you to town for their Christmas dance.

How nice.

Seeing as how you don't have anything else to do, what should I tell them?

Tell them no.

- Tell them yes. - No, we can't do it!

We've got to make this show look very spontaneous.

The only way to do that is to do it over and over again.

Somebody's liable to freeze on television!

Hold it!

- Everybody! Right now, hold it! - What?

Everybody take a break.

There's such a thing as too much rehearsing.

No, we can't. Let's do it one more time, everybody.

- Isn't this beautiful? - Yeah.

I just love it out here.

- Boy, thanks for getting me out of there. - It's okay.

- Your husband can be... I don't know. - I know, he gets obnoxious.

You must run into his type even in your line of work.

Not exactly. Maybe an occasional skunk.

Mr. Jones, you ready to dance?

- Yes. - Let's do it.

Honey, look.

Are you Elizabeth Blane? I watch your cooking show.

- You're wonderful. - We love you.

- Thanks. Merry Christmas. - Merry Christmas.

Isn't he somebody, too?

Look, our guests are here!

Come on!

All right!

You were terrific.

- That was great fun. - I think we'd better go.

Look, it's a sleigh.

I've always wanted to ride one. I bet you could drive it.

- It's not ours. - But we could borrow it, couldn't we?

Come on, let's do it.

- Get in. - All right.

Where the hell is Elizabeth?

Would somebody... Will you stop that?

Will somebody please go and find me Elizabeth?

She said she'd be right back, and right back means right back!

Never mind! I'll go find her myself.

Nobody's... Never mind.

- Mr. Prescott. We weren't expecting you. - This is an important show.

You don't have a problem with the head of the network being here?

Are you kidding? Not at all. Come on in, please.

- Where's Elizabeth? - Elizabeth is in wardrobe.

Why don't we go look at some of the production values...

that are going to be insipid in the show? You'll love what you see tonight.

It's really gonna be a magnificent show. Thank you so much.

- Is that makeup you're wearing? - No, I don't wear... Yes, it is.

You see, I'm playing Elizabeth's husband. No, I'm not...

I'm not playing as husband, I am Elizabeth's husband.

- You're Elizabeth's husband? - Yes, I am.

- I thought his name was John Blane. - It is.

You see, I changed my name for professional reasons.

- You know how it is. - That's quite a surprise, Alex.

I don't like surprises.

Come on.

- Are you laughing at me? - No.

Believe me, if I'm laughing at anyone, it's at Elizabeth Blane.

Why?

She's so smart, you know? She knows all the answers.

She gets herself into a real mess...

and just hasn't got the moral courage to get herself out.

What kind of mess?

The kind other people wouldn't understand.

Does it have anything to do with your marriage?

In a way.

You're not very happy, are you?

- Happy as I have any right to be. - Don't say that.

You deserve all the happiness you can get.

I do?

We'd better turn around.

Wait.

You hear that? Do you hear it? Those are the bells.

Those are the Christmas bells. Listen.

Merry Christmas.

Merry Christmas, yourself.

Kevin, don't touch that.

I said, don't touch that cake, you.

They're not on the grounds.

This is not like Elizabeth.

- Maybe they got into an accident! - I'm sure they're gonna be fine.

- Just one lick. - I got to go find her.

Whatever you do, don't let Alex in this kitchen.

If he finds out I'm gone...

- Wait, I'll be back in plenty of time. - Don't worry, I'll take care of Alex.

- Will you get out of my way? - Are you talking to me?

- Are you deaf? Move! - You talking to me?

Ain't nobody else here. You must be talking to me.

No, I wasn't talking to you.

Come on, turn!

Okay.

Let's just for a moment make believe that...

- I'm not who you think I am. - What do you mean?

- What if I didn't live in Connecticut? - Well, you do.

But what if that house back there wasn't my house...

and that family wasn't my family...

and Elizabeth Blane, the homemaker that all America loves...

wasn't even married at all?

You are married and that's the point.

I don't think you ought to be fooling around with somebody's feelings like this.

See, you're not listening to me.

What if I wasn't the Elizabeth Blane that you think you know?

I don't care about that Elizabeth Blane.

I never even heard of her until they asked me to do this damn show.

What do you mean you never heard...

Wait a minute. You never heard of me?

I read one of your books on the plane.

I was getting so much money, I figured I ought to do my homework.

You mean that you came here just because of...

This is not funny.

You only came here for the money?

And you've never read one of my books. Is that right? Have you?

It means you're nothing but a big phony.

That doesn't change the fact that you're a married woman.

Just let me tell you what's really going on. I am not...

Freeze!

Stealing my sleigh, and on Christmas, too.

We didn't steal your sleigh.

I suppose the horse kidnapped you. Took you on a 6 mile ride.

Put your hands where I can see them. You're both under arrest.

- Come on. - Come on, you foreheads, get them up.

You what?

Look at this.

Let me have a look at it. Let me see.

What kind of a show are you running here?

- What's going on here? - She'll be here.

- And where's Elizabeth? - Where is she?

Every one of those people are on the clock!

Don't worry. It's all right.

The local police wish you a happy holiday.

A $200 ticket. Yes, I'm fine.

Welcome home, darling. You're on in five minutes!

- She's here. - So are you.

Where is she coming from?

She's here now. Four minutes.

Let me take you to the control room. You'll love this place. Come along.

And welcome to the live special presentation of...

and her real-life family.

Okay, we need the title card up.

...by America's favorite hero, Jefferson Jones.

And now here is your hostess, Elizabeth Blane!

Merry Christmas and welcome.

I'm Elizabeth Blane and this is my home.

I'm so glad you could join us tonight. We're going to have a wonderful time.

I just want you all to sit back...

relax and enjoy a good, old-fashioned Christmas in Connecticut.

For so many years, you've heard me talk about my family.

Now I'm delighted I get to introduce them to you.

Okay, here we go. We're gonna pull out. All right.

Here's this beautiful little pudge-face, my granddaughter, Melissa.

Look at that.

My very handsome son-in-law, Evan...

and my beautiful daughter, Mary, who isn't here.

Where's Mary?

What does she mean, \x22Where's Mary?\x22

I just remembered. I sent her out to get some marshmallows.

All right, never mind. She saved it.

She went out to look for you.

This little rascal is my grandson, Kevin. Wipe your face, dear.

Later I'm going to make his favorite, chocolate coconut angels.

Wait, too fast. Hold on. Just a second.

- I don't feel so good. - You don't? I hope you do later...

because we want to save some room for that goose, don't we?

Here's my loving husband, John.

Hello, sweetheart. How are you doing, darling?

- Honey... - What?

What's for...

Yes, tell something. Say something! Speak!

Sweetheart, I want you to relax.

All the millions of people that are watching out there are our friends.

I have no idea what's going on.

Why don't you tell them all about your special recipe...

for the Blane family eggnog?

Nog?

Nog! What does \x22nog\x22 mean?

The nog. He's sweet.

Later we were gonna pop some popcorn the old-fashioned way.

We have a popper over here, a fire. Why don't we do that now?

Just sit down here, wait, and relax.

- I think I'm gonna throw up. - Yes, dear, we know.

Let's go into the kitchen and see how dinner is going.

What? What is she doing?

This is... Give me a shot of the kid.

Yeah, three. Oh, boy.

I don't need to see a shot of the kid throwing up!

This is live television.

All that wonderful food. Doesn't it smell nice?

But the kitchen's not ready. Tell the crew to get out of there!

Smell those yummy things in here, can't you?

- Give me another camera. - All right. Can we lose that?

I can't believe this!

A meal like this takes a lot of preparation.

But fortunately, we've had so much time...

to prepare all this beautiful food.

Isn't it lovely? Raw broccoli. Don't you just love the snap and crackle of that?

Let's check on our golden goose.

- It's your shot, Jerry. - What?

Well, it's not golden. But it's white.

I think what's happened is the stove is broken.

Don't you just hate that when that happens on the holidays?

I tell you! Do you have any idea what it would cost...

to have a repairman come out here and fix the stove on Christmas?

But never mind.

You came here to see me cook. I'm gonna cook for you.

What's she doing? Why is she doing this to me?

Did she wake up this morning thinking, "'ll kill my career on national television"?

You know, folks, sometimes the best things in life are the simplest.

I mean, this is as good as it gets.

Christmas flapjacks.

Excuse me?

Christmas flapjacks, a Blane tradition.

I have been cooking flapjacks for this family...

I've been cooking flapjacks for this family since I had this family.

But wait. A knock at the door.

Do you know who that is? That's our special guest, Jefferson Jones!

Get the camera on the door. Clear the door, please. Cue the Mountie.

...who risked his life in a blizzard...

to save little Billy Futterman.

Let's welcome him. Coming!

Hey, Jeff! Come on in. Look at you! Love your hat.

Wasn't my idea.

Welcome to my kitchen, Jeff.

- No, I came all the way from Colorado. - You did? Isn't that nice.

What's that terrific smell? Christmas goose?

- No, not quite. Not exactly. - My favorite.

I'm so glad.

I'm just here making flapjacks.

My Christmas flapjacks, which is a tradition.

Why don't you sit down over here and talk to me while I cook?

There's nothing better than a big family Christmas.

That's right. That's why it's so nice to get together with people like you...

so you can catch up on everything happening.

Why don't you tell me about your home in Colorado?

It burned down.

That's right, I forgot. How thoughtless of me.

- No wonder you're so confused. - I'm confused?

What the hell is she talking about?

- I've no idea what she's talking about. - Joel, go to commercial.

Someone please tell Mrs. Blane to go to commercial!

All right. Go to commercial. Cut.

This batter looks wonderful.

Why don't we take a short break and when we come back...

we'll see how these flapjacks turn out.

And we're clear.

All right, where's the food? Wait a minute. Don't anybody move. Just hold it.

Where is the food?

- Where is all the food? - We haven't seen it.

How am I supposed to...

The food's not done. Where is Josie?

Josie wouldn't do this to me, she wouldn't leave me here.

I don't want the phone! You're fired.

Get me some coffee, and then you're fired.

Where's the food? Will somebody answer me?

How am I supposed to go on? There is no cooked food!

Aren't you supposed to cook it?

You still don't get it, do you? Listen to me.

My life is falling apart in front of millions of people...

on live television.

In an hour, there's not going to be any Elizabeth Blane.

There's not gonna be... Alex!

We've got a few technical problems. You're a pro!

Alex, you are insane! Now I want you to call this off right now.

Alex? I thought his name was John.

- Call it off now. I mean it. - Listen to me!

I won't let you throw away 20 years of a good thing...

because some goose isn't cooked. I know you can do it.

- Call this off... - Listen to me.

I want you to go out there and be the real Elizabeth Blane.

Do it! I invented you.

This is prime-time live.

If this works, there are specials, movies.

We'll be rolling in everything.

And we'll be able to do this together for the rest of our lives.

I want you to out there and give me the real Elizabeth Blane.

You're great. Do it.

We're back in 10 seconds. Places, people!

What are we gonna do?

- Calm down. - All right.

When you quit your job to go live in the woods, were you scared?

Yeah, but it was worth it.

- Everyone quiet. - Good luck.

And we're back!

Come on. Just pull it together. That's all you got to do.

I've been told that the purpose of this program...

is to show you the real Elizabeth Blane and how she spends her Christmas.

Well, the last place I would be is in the kitchen.

So follow me.

What am I watching here? This is...

Just tell me what to do, Joel.

Just wherever she goes. I don't know!

Hurry up. Let's go. Keep the boom up. Make room. Excuse me.

Here we are in my living room, except this isn't my living room.

This isn't even my house.

You see, we're in Connecticut, but I live in New York.

- You do? - In fact, it isn't even snowing.

Jeff, would you show everyone what's behind Curtain Number...

You don't know what Curtain Number One is.

That window there. Pull back the curtain.

- What's she doing? - I have no idea.

Take a look at this. See? It's fake snow.

Go ahead. Thrill me. What's next?

Now what I'd like to do is to introduce you to all the people who make this possible.

Do something.

- See who's here. The carolers, at the door. - How lovely.

This man over here is not my son-in-law.

Get out of my way.

- His name is Tyler. - Open that door!

All right, everybody in! Let's get dressed and get ready to sing.

Look at that face. He's an actor.

This is your moment, so show them what you can do.

Go ahead. You're on.

Hi. I am available and seeking new representation.

- What's he doing? - I can do romance.

O, that I were a glove upon that hand...

That I might touch that cheek!

He's... Is this acting?

Put your coats on. Put a smile on your face. Let me look at you.

The sounds of bones crunching in the moonlight...

keep me awake, awake...

awake.

I can't believe what I'm seeing! What I'm seeing is death.

- Do you hear me? - Excuse me, Joel.

What? Don't ever touch me!

All right, everybody, get ready. Sing!

Let's go, everybody.

This isn't my granddaughter.

God forbid, at my age I should be a grandmother? Give me a break.

Come on in. The door is open!

This little guy over here, that's not Kevin. That's Anthony.

Louder! Come on, give it to me!

Carnegie Hall waits!

We just came to pick up the kids.

Great! This is too much.

These people are the real parents of the baby and Kevin.

Mom! Dad!

And the tree's fallen over, of course. Why would it remain standing?

Don't you worry. I hated this tree, this fake old pink thing.

I didn't like it. Norah, come and help! Jeff, where's our tree?

We actually have a Christmas tree. We went out and cut one down.

Jeff, would you bring our tree in? - I hate the green tree. They're putting it in.

They got rid of the pink. Believe me, it all worked in the rehearsal.

I can't believe this. Here she is.

- I'm sorry. - No, Josie, don't be silly.

- This is Josie. - Let me guess. She's not her daughter.

She is not my daughter. She's my assistant.

I wanna tell you something.

She's probably the best cook in the whole wide world.

You know, all those wonderful dishes that everybody thinks I make...

this lady makes.

Thanks, Josie.

So what have we got here?

We've got fake snow, fake house, fake Christmas.

But the biggest fake of all is me.

I'm really sorry. I never meant it to go this far.

But you see, I can't cook.

What?

I'll kill you! I can't believe you're doing this to me!

Stop! Don't go on!

April fool, everybody.

It's not true. She's the greatest cook that ever was.

She's lying. She's going off her head. She hasn't taken her medication.

- Let go of her. - Hey, listen, Hee Haw...

All right, he punched him in the face!

Hey, move in! Get a close-up of that.

I want to see his bruise, bleeding if there's any.

Will you cut the cameras? Get away from me.

It's over. Finished!

My hero. What have you done?

This is a whole new kind of behavior for you.

That's it! Alex, you're fired!

You're fired!

This is beautiful. You're fired! Get out! Everyone's fired.

Now tell me, please, he's not really your husband.

I'm not married.

Elizabeth, you're fired! I don't even know you, but you're fired.

Out of here, everyone. Get out! You're all fired! Out!

Yes. Move in.

- You're sure? - I'm sure.

That's what I want. Yes.

We regret to say that we are unable to continue this program...

They yanked us? I can't believe they cut us off!

No! I can't believe you!

Cooking's really easy when you just follow the directions, isn't it?

You could come practice your cooking in Colorado.

I'd love to do that...

but I'm just a city girl, really.

Who's that?

- Oh, no. - Elizabeth, just hear me out.

The ratings were unprecedented. The network has been flooded with calls.

This is big.

I fired you, Alex. Shut up!

You would be an important part of our television family.

- I'm not interested. - I'm prepared to offer you...

twice what we paid you before.

Won't you come in, Mr. Prescott?

Didn't the other network offer you five times as much?

- Five times? - That's right.

Alex, shut up.

Elizabeth, at least consider the offer.

If I were to consider doing television, I'd have to do it on my own terms.

- No faking. - \x22No more faking.\x22

- What a title for your book! - What book?

That People magazine article? That could be the outline.

This could mean movies...

- Shut up. - Shut up.

You know what, Mr. Prescott? We'll call you from Colorado.

Jefferson's rebuilding his house, and I'm going to help him.

Colorado?

Bye-bye.

But wait. I know, I'm fired.

Nice knowing you. Happy New Year.

English

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