Original subtitles

This is street radio keeping you, you dancing in the street.

And if you like what you've heard so far, then come and cite the petition

which says we, the undersigned, would like Campbell Bain and Reddy Eddie

McKenna to be given their own show on local radio and make us the first DJs in

radio history to go professional by popular demand.

Here's an anonymous dedication to Debbie, who works in the travel centre

just across from us, from... A secret admirer who could show you what love is,

yeah.

Right,

party's

over. You're busking without a permit and yous have got one minute to clear

off. A PERMIT!

What are you doing?

I told you it would work. We've got a genuine incident going here.

We're gonna be in the paper.

We're gonna be in jail, Campbell.

We'll just merge quietly in the crowd and then leg it.

That was Runaway.

and this is Reddy Eddy, standing in for Campbell Bain, who's run away.

So, if you're out there and Campbell Bain is sitting next to you, smoking a

fag or having a wee blether with your invisible voices, tell him to...

Is this something already?

It's quarter past. Where the hell have you been?

Rosalie and I got an afternoon pass.

We staged a publicity stunt. A roadshow right in the middle of Argyle Street.

And the police even came to break it up.

Are you going to tell me that's not front page news?

What paper did you invite?

Invite? You know, you have to invite them.

Well, does that not... sort of... cheapen it?

Campbell, this station is falling apart.

If something doesn't happen soon, we'll not have a station to publicise.

In the past 15 minutes, yet another channel on the mixer has blown.

If I don't get any good news from Evelyn tomorrow about a new mixer, we may have

to stop broadcasting altogether.

You want to go professional?

Rule one, turn up for your show!

Sorry, Eddie.

How did you not realise that channel was going to blow?

How was it not checked?

Sorry, Eddie.

And what about you?

You're the station manager.

It's your job to make sure the show goes out.

Sorry, Eddie.

Anyway, record's almost finished.

I've got to go to work.

Let's just try and see a wee bit of discipline and professionalism around

here, eh?

No problem.

Right. Quiet! We're going on air now!

And that was Baby Come Back, coming at you from 1968.

Quiet! Rosalie!

Oh, it's you.

You all right, Lee?

Hi. I'd like to see the dog.

You're going loony as well, then.

I'd like to see him a bit, you.

You shouldn't smoke, Jim, I keep telling you.

So?

So you should stop.

Anyway, I have some good news.

I'm sure we'd all like to hear some good news.

I'm ready to go home now.

Oh, you are, eh?

I made some lists.

First, kitchen.

Wash dishes.

Clean sinks.

Put stuff down drain. Wash pipes under a sink.

Clean cupboard under a sink. This is my sink list, see? Jesus Christ!

This is you ready to come home!

Look at you!

You're half your head!

Look at the clothes you've got on.

You've got three sets of clothes you've been wearing for 12 years.

You've got to be careful about clothes.

What do you reckon folk think when they see the state of you?

I don't care what folk think.

Here.

Resin.

Ma picked them out for you.

Your size, just your colour.

I can't wear these.

They might be chemicals.

Germs. There's nae chemicals.

There's nae germs.

There's only something rang in your heat hen.

I won't wear them.

Listen, I've had 12 years of your lists and your cleaning binges.

You're coming in here and not getting any better.

12 years and when I go to my work, I take the buyer out of my pocket. It

smells of bloody dill.

You never know who's been using your pen before you.

I've been using my pen before me.

I've bought you these nice clothes.

And I want to see you wear them the next time I come.

Cos all this is going to stop.

And you're not coming home this time till you're right in your head.

Understand?

You haven't given me my pocket money, Jim.

What?

So you can spend it on your disinfectants and your sprays?

Nature's. How do you want me to be?

Like you were afore.

How can I?

You look nice in them clothes.

You'll thank me for this, Mandy.

The one you shouldn't hurt at all.

You always said the

sweetest rose and the

best for the better.

I just wanted to draw attention to one of our greatest sales

success stories.

I am speaking to you about a lad who came into my office Only two short

months ago, and asked for a chance to sell windows.

He didn't have experience.

He didn't have a bloody clue about the replacement window business.

But do you know what he did have?

Lavery? Guts, sir.

Don't be so daft.

Webster? Determination and tenacity, sir. That's two things, and you were

wrong both times.

McAteer? Positive mental attitude, sir.

Good lad.

Did you hear that?

From the lips of our top salesman, John McAteer.

He knows it, I know it, and this young salesman knew it.

So let's have a big welcome for our newest salesman of the month, Edward

McKenna.

Come up, man, come up.

The District Council wants us to tender for a job on a sheltered accommodation

scheme. Just a taster. And if we make it onto the approved list... Oh, you aren't

yet the right one.

Well, actually, McAteer, I was thinking of giving it to our rising star here.

What about it, McKenna?

Are you ready to play ball with the big boys?

Completely forgot.

Jack been snowed under with his community open day next week.

The new administrator's very keen on these outreach initiatives.

Have you met Dr Winter?

Not yet.

What's her idea to get the radio station going again?

She's a woman of ideas, all right.

She wants to introduce group therapy into the acute wards.

Most of the doctors think it's a waste of time anyway.

Where would we get the trained staff, even if we could afford them?

What happened at the board meeting?

No can do, I'm afraid.

But the mixer's down to two channels.

I'm sorry, Eddie, but the feeling was that if the radio station can't be run

with the existing equipment, then it's a luxury we can't afford.

But it means a lot to the patients.

Well, so would group therapy.

Between you and me, I don't think that's going to happen either.

Listen, I must dash.

Lady Chalmers is going to be guests of honour at the open day, and I've got to

meet with the Friends of St Jude's to make the arrangements.

Oh, which reminds me.

Doctor Winter wanted to know if you wanted to do anything for Open Day.

I'll ask the others.

Tell me, are the others all still patients?

Aye.

I just wondered.

How bad is it?

We're getting nothing.

They're afraid we may be a luxury they cannae afford, but they do want to know

if we want to do something for the open day next week.

What do you think? They can't do this!

How long can we keep going?

A few months or... A few days.

They are nipping my brilliant career in the bud!

They want rid of you, you know.

Oh, aye?

That's how they do things in here.

They never say you cannae do that or you cannae have that, but you cannae.

If you want to put a poster up by your bed, they'll tell you there's no blue

tack. If you find some blue tack, they'll tell you it'll damage the paint.

If you get some paint, they'll tell you the colour doesn't match.

They never actually stop you, but somehow you just stop.

Well, not this time.

Eddie, you tell them that, yes, we do want to do something for the open day.

We're going to run a fundraiser to buy a new mixing desk.

How?

I see a hospital radio roadshow on a flatbed lorry. I see music and dancing.

I see reporters.

I see no money, Campbell.

We'll charge to play requests and dedications.

And then we will pull off one absolutely brilliant publicity stunt that will

blaze its colours across every newspaper in Scotland.

Such as?

I don't know.

I could get up on the roof of the hospital and threaten to jump unless the

punters give us enough to buy a new mixer.

Aye, but they might want you to jump.

Well, then I'll threaten no to jump unless the punters give us enough to buy

a new mixer.

Campbell, they are not going to let you threaten to jump off the hospital roof

for their mental health week open day.

It was only my first idea.

Come on, Fergus, Rosalie, we've got to mobilise the troops.

Hospital radio must survive.

Rosalie, what are you doing?

I'm just writing a list.

Come on!

I want to train as a DJ.

Rosalie Geraghty.

My name is Dr Cairns.

Sorry. Please come in.

Well, no, Mrs. Geraghty.

You've been with us, what, six weeks now? That's right.

Tell me, do you know why you're here?

I do.

Why are you here?

I thought you were the doctor.

I am the doctor.

Then how do you not know why I'm here?

Mrs. Geraghty, I'll be frank with you.

In my clinical opinion, there is no longer any reason to keep you here.

Well, I'll be away then.

No, no, please.

Sit down.

As I'm sure you're aware, your husband is not prepared for you to go home again

without certain guarantees.

How would you feel about having your medication by long-acting injection in

the future?

Is there anybody else that you could stay with for the moment? A relative or

a friend, maybe? Can I not just stay here?

No, you can't, Mrs Garrity.

What about your son?

You had a son, didn't you? Robert or Robbie.

Aye, I had a son.

Well, I'll, um...

I'll see if I can set up a meeting with you and Mr. Garrity and... We'll try and

work something out, shall we?

Fellow inmates, I suppose you're all wondering why I've asked you here today.

Just going, we had been.

We all remember what life here was like before hospital radio.

Aye, a lot quieter.

You're right, Hector.

Hospital radio has brought us music, laughter, got us dancing in the

corridors.

Before that, the most excitement we got here was listening to you fart God Save

the Queen or waiting for Myra the catatonic to blink.

Now, is that what you want to go back to?

Is it?

No.

Well... Unless we can raise the dosh to buy a new mixer, that's all there's

going to be round here.

What's a mixer?

Shh! But with your help!

We are going to be holding a fundraiser at the open day.

We are going to be staging a hospital radio roadshow through a 5 kilowatt PA

on a flatbed lorry in the courtyard, and we're going to need volunteers to help

set up and run the show, to help rattle tins, but most of all, to help with the

main fundraising event of the day, the loony pools!

Loony pools?

We're going to be handing out coupons like this one with details of the

contestants, half loonies, half boring folk, who will be assigned numbers 1 to

24 by lottery.

Two loonies in a pair is a score draw, or three points. But if only the odd

-numbered contestant is a loonie, then it's a home win, one point. If only the

even-numbered contestant is a loonie, then it's an away win, one and a half

points. If neither of them are loonies, it's a no-score draw, two points. A

pound a line, best of eight, high score wins, five dividends of cheap prizes.

What?

Basically, it's spot the loonie.

Oh, right.

Now, volunteers.

Aye, I'll volunteer.

Me as well.

That's the spirit.

Because we're going to show them. We are loonies and we are proud.

Say it. We are loonies and we are proud.

We are loonies and we are proud.

Now, any questions?

Aye. Can I go to the toilet?

Away you go. Any other questions?

What is this flatbed lorry coming for?

That's a detail we haven't worked out yet, but we're working on it. So who's

bringing this massive PA then?

Well, that's another detail we've not sorted out yet.

What exactly have you sorted out so far?

Well, Sandy in the kitchen's been saving us some tins to rattle.

Oh, come on. Have some faith.

I thought everybody liked my God Save the Coon.

Hello?

I've come for my DJ lesson.

Aye, come in, have a seat.

My mother used to say if you drink spirits in the afternoon, you're an

alcoholic.

But then, she thought if you drank anything, including shandy, at any time,

including Wednesday funerals, you were an alcoholic.

Don't!

Use an ashtray, huh?

Are you going to have to shut the station down now?

Not yet.

What will you do if you have to shut down?

Don't know.

Spend some more time with my family.

You haven't got a family.

Throw myself into my work.

What do you do anyway?

I'm a double glazing salesman.

You can't be a double glazing salesman, Eddie. You've not got the killer

mentality.

I'll have you know I was salesman of the month last month.

Jesus, what were the other salesmen like?

Do you like it?

What do you think?

Are all those yours?

Oh aye.

That's just a wee slice of the whole collection.

Most of the original recordings.

First single I bought was Night Has A Thousand Eyes with Bobby V when I was

about 11.

Cost me two weeks' pocket money.

Must have nearly 1,200 records by now.

Elvis Presley,

The Beatles, Aretha Franklin, Otis Redding.

Nothing since then has touched this music, you know.

And it all came back into fashion, just like I knew it would.

I used to send demos, you know, radio stations.

Suddenly, about six years ago, when it all started to come back in, I got a

call from this guy at Radio Clyde who said he was really interested in what I

was doing.

I thought, this is it.

This is the break I've been waiting for all my life.

And?

And the guy got in our job.

Tried to phone the guy who took his place, but... he was in a meeting.

Did you not phone back?

Aye. But the meeting apparently went on for about six months.

How do you drink that much, Eddie?

Do I?

To forget?

To forget what?

To forget.

How do you keep burning yourself with cigarettes?

I don't think anyone's ever asked me that before.

Some things can only be burned out.

Gonna have to do something about MacTavish, Eddie.

Who? The cat.

He's getting that fat. If he tucked his legs in, he could be a football.

It's not good for MacTavish to be that fat, you know.

I see.

You must know that MacTavish... She's pretty. Don't say that!

I'm not gonna stay here if you say that.

I'm not gonna stay here!

I don't say it.

Now, which button do I press first?

Rosalie, what are you doing?

Just making a list.

It's after midnight, you should be in your bed.

I was just going... And don't touch that.

It's mine.

Jesus.

What did you do that for?

I wanted to know if you was awake.

Well, I am now.

What do you want?

I've been making some lists, Campbell.

You're always making lists.

These ones are for you.

Road haulage companies in the greater Glasgow area.

Aye, well, thanks, Rosalie. I'm sure I'll find this very useful.

Cos they're bound to have flatbed lorries in their fleet. Someone will

loan you one, I reckon, and it's for charity.

And that's a list of PA iron sales companies. You could have some luck

there. And this is a list of local virgins who might donate prizes for your

loony pools.

You can recruit most of your non-loonies from the staff, although you'll have to

be dead careful, cos some of the staff aren't exactly... certified non-loonies.

This is a list of staff bulletin boards in the hospital.

It can't be done. You've cracked it, Rosalie.

Oh, sorry.

You couldn't do something with me, could you?

I... You couldn't just put this in your locker and then forget about it?

What's in it? Some new clothes Jim brought me.

I don't want to put that in my locker.

So I could pretend I lost them then I wouldn't have to wear them.

You don't want to wear them. Don't wear them.

I'm down on my last bottle of dead oil, but Jim won't let me buy any more. And

the doctor says... Don't let them push you around, Rosalie. Stand up to them.

Oh. You just say, I'm not going to take any more of this crapola.

I couldn't do that.

I'm not.

I'm not American.

But it sounds that brilliant when they say it in the films.

I'm not going to take any more of this crapola.

Isn't the mad John the pyromaniac? He'll take care of it.

Did you just call me Robbie?

Maybe I'll just put them under my mattress.

Where are you going?

I've got a sales presentation this morning.

You don't have breakfast.

I've had some coffee. I've left some money on the table for the gas bill.

It was Lithuanian club last night.

I'm sorry. I had to talk to Griffin about this district council tender.

All night I wait and you don't come. Why do you think I go?

I thought you liked to speak Lithuanian.

Speak? All night I listen to Mrs.

Prakowska speak about her children, her grandchildren, about her visits she

makes to Lithuania. Everybody these days, she says, makes visits to

Lithuania. Mrs. Prakowska is a snob. How do you keep talking to her?

Because she has three granddaughters.

Very young, very pretty, no married.

You meet them?

Any of them nearsighted or stupid?

No. Well, I think we should forget it. Look, I've got to go.

When you come home... I don't know. I've got to go to the station today. I'm

hearing a new DJ. She's keen... Shh!

Get high.

Look,

I'm going to be late.

She wouldn't.

I don't know, 28, 29.

Was she married?

I didn't ask. I don't think so. Oh, Eddie, this is wonderful news.

You must ask her to come tomorrow and meet me. She can't come tomorrow. Oh,

well, then next time. She needs permission first. Oh, she's pleasant,

lassie. You ask father. She's a patient.

Pissed lassie.

She's a crazy one.

Aye.

Look, we're having an open day Saturday.

How do you not come?

Just go.

Listen, if I make this sale, I'll buy you one of those wee televisions you

wanted. You can watch Blind Date in the bath.

I don't want television.

I want to make music like Mrs Proschkowska.

For once in my life I have someone who needs me Someone I've needed so

long

For once I'm afraid I can go where life leads me.

Somehow I know I'll be strong.

For once I can touch what my heart used to dream of.

Love me for I live.

But someone won't like you.

When make my dream come true, yeah, baby.

For once in my life.

I won't let sorrow hurt me, not like it's hurt me before.

Burt! What are you doing? Just touching my kidneys.

I'm not alone anymore.

For once I can say this is my new-

Just to remind you that tomorrow, St Jude's Hospital Radio Roadshow is going

to roll into open day and we need your help to raise money for a new mixer.

Without it, hospital radio will soon sound like this.

So, come along and show your friends, your relations and the local community

that we are loonies and we are proud.

Jesus, what's all this? You're late.

Sorry, I was lucky.

Well, here's your list. You'd better get started or you'll never get through it.

Go to car, put key in ignition, drive to hot jam PA higher. There's your address.

Collect speakers, put in car, drive back, take key from ignition.

Rosalie's nothing if not thorough.

Francine, isn't that banner ready yet? It's finished.

I'm then off to help Fergus call the leads.

Just give me a minute.

A minute?

You're only halfway down your list and it's nearly 8 o'clock.

And you, don't just stand there like a dead sheep. Go to your car.

And what are you doing? I'm in the middle of my show.

OK, but hurry up.

Rosalie, can you not see I am busy?

Your husband's just arrived. Dr Cairns can see you now. I'll be there in a

minute. I can't stop long.

What was that?

Power corrupt, but absolute power corrupts every loony. Did she organise

all this?

Aye. But tomorrow night, this hospital isn't going to know what hit it. And by

Monday morning, the loony pools is going to be all over every newspaper in

Glasgow, paving the way to our career in professional radio.

Fergus faxed the press releases this morning.

Aye, well, just don't be too disappointed if the press don't show up,

OK? What do you mean?

It's just that there's nothing all that newsworthy about a bunch of loonies

staging a stunt at an open day.

For it's Mental Health Week.

Well, I gave up smoking on National No Smoking Day, but they didn't put my name

in the paper.

I'd

better

get these speakers.

Listen, Campbell.

If we just raise enough money to buy a cheap, nasty second-hand mixer to keep

the station going, that'll be enough for me.

Ah, well, that's your trouble, Eddie.

You aim low every time.

Ah, but I reach my goals.

She's not ready.

You don't know what it's like living with her. Your wife is suffering from a

compulsive illness, Mr Geraghty, and if she forgets to take her medication while

she's at home... Forget?

Aye.

She often forgets not to throw it down the lavey at the first opportunity.

I think the simple solution is for your wife to have her medication by long

-acting injection, so she wouldn't have to remember to take tablets.

What does she think about that?

Mrs Geraghty.

I think he should give me my pocket money.

I'm nearly out of Dettol, but he won't... See that? We were trying to

have a rational conversation here and she's just landed her spaceship on

planet Dettol.

She's completely out of control.

And you're trying to dump your problem in me. What I'm trying to do is find a

solution. If I've told him once, I've told him a hundred times.

The solution is stronger drugs.

Four years ago, when Dr. Patterson was in charge, they gave her stronger drugs

and she was just fine.

Just fine until some bright spark get the idea she'd be OK in a lower dose.

Well, she's not.

You can't stop me coming home to my own house.

I'll change the locks.

I'll screw the windows shut.

Cos you're not coming home until you're under control.

Mr Geraghty, I know you're upset, but if you refuse to have your wife home, I

can't keep her here more than a few weeks.

After that, until we could find her a place in supported accommodation, and

there's a three-to-four-month waiting list.

She could end up in bed and breakfast accommodation, sharing kitchen and

bathroom facilities with other disturbed people who may not mind so much if the

toilet isn't flushed or if the feet tend to stick to the kitchen floor. Now, this

could have a catastrophic effect on your wife's condition. Is that what you want?

I can't cope anymore.

I can't.

And what you're saying is that were we to increase your wife's medication...

you'd feel better able to cope at home.

Aye.

If your guarantee should take her.

How would you feel about that?

All right, then.

OK.

I'll try on a new dosage by injection, and we'll see where we are in a week's

time, shall we?

Thank you, Doctor.

I wore the dress, Jim.

Aye, very nice.

You don't have to do this if you don't want to.

You're a voluntary patient.

No, I want to do it.

You couldn't just wait till Monday to give me this injection, though? I've a

lot of things to do. Of course.

I'll go to Fergus.

The day's entertainment is reaching its climax.

The last two contestants mount the stage. The audience mark their coupons,

they hand them in, when suddenly a swarm of photographers surge forward because

it turns out that one of the contestants was none other than Spike Milligan, the

greatest manic depressive of our time. Spike Milligan?

Seven out of ten folk will probably think he's a patient.

What a news story, eh? What a scoop!

There's only two things wrong with that, Campbell.

First, how are you going to get Spike Milligan to appear in your loony pools

for tomorrow afternoon?

Well, a pal of mine's girlfriend's sister went to university with his

grandson. Second, everybody knows what he looks like. Good point.

Well, wouldn't they disguise him?

What are you doing wearing that horrible dress?

What's going on?

These are the speakers you sent for. You can't bring these in here yet. I haven't

cleaned them.

Take them out. We're going, we're going.

It's gone.

Look, I'm not... That was my last bottle. It's OK.

It's OK.

What am I going to do?

There's germs.

There's germs. It's OK. Eddie's going to get you some more from the late-night

shop. Where's the late-night shop? Fergus will show you. But I've escaped

twice today already.

Germs kill and they're everywhere.

You want them to come and sedate her? Go!

Germs kill.

Do you not understand?

Germs kill.

Robbie got sick.

Jim said I wasn't washing the lettuce properly.

So I washed it and washed it.

But he was still sick.

Jim said it was because the floors was dirty, so I washed them and washed them.

But Robbie stayed sick.

Jim said it was the drains, the toilet, the sinks, the dirty washing,

the cutting board, the kitchen knives. I made lists of all the places the germs

could be. I washed everything.

Robbie stayed sick until he died.

I never managed to kill all those germs.

What did he die of?

Leukaemia.

Oh, Rosalie.

And Jim worshipped that lad.

It hasn't been the same since.

Oh, well, well, McKenna.

I understand congratulations are another.

Hmm. You've made your sale.

District Council has just accepted your tender.

Really? Quite a coup, eh?

And a hefty wee commission in the bank.

Oh, well, I just... I just tendered what Griffin told me. Oh, no, no.

It's not your problem, Miss McKenna.

You've got an inferiority complex.

Well, which may have something to do with the fact that you are inferior.

Cos let me tell you this.

Anybody could have made that sale.

My great-auntie Betty, who cannae see or speak since she had a stroke, could have

made that sale.

Sounds like she could have used the commission.

Griffin may be a daft rat.

But it willnae escape even his notice sooner or later that you are a useless

waster that couldnae gie away Pink Lady to a street-corner drunk, never mind

sell it to him.

Just watch your back, McKenna.

This is for all you day-trippers out there who came to find out what it's

like to be Louis Faraday. So, if you've just arrived, get on your street jacket,

plug yourself into the nearest electrical socket, and get on down.

Big girls don't cry. The Four Seasons.

All kinds of everything. You're going too fast.

You're just finding too slow.

Yes, it's time again to separate the loonies from the moaning folk. So get

ready to mark your X, boys and girls, because if you are one of our lucky

winners today, you may walk out of here with one of our fabulous prizes.

Which, if you happen to be in a section 26, means somebody will come and bring

you right back again.

You could win a teddy bear, a dancing coke can, a bottle of cheap sherry, a

fruitcake or a week's supply of cat food. We wanted to give away a colour

telly and a portable jacuzzi, but they wouldn't trust us with anything

electric.

Rosalie, Mark's no here. What? He's supposed to be contestant 22, but they

discharged him this morning.

You have to take his place then.

No, I couldn't.

You're right.

They'd know straight away he was one of the loonies.

Ladies and gentlemen, ladies and lunettes, please welcome our next pair

of contestants. I said get up there. Numbers 21 and 22 on your coupons. No,

Fergus.

And you, help Eddie sort out these requests.

Can you spot the loonies, daytrippers? Have a good wee look while I play you

this dedication from all hope on Ward 11 to all the nice residents of the

surrounding community.

I wouldn't it be nice to get on with me nighties. A whiter shade of pale, Cochle

Hartman. My way, Faxon Adder. Somebody broke it. Johnny B. Good then. How? I

like Johnny B. Good. I cannae find a whiter shade of pale.

It's the one we use. It's the one we use. But it's a whiter shade of pale. It

begins where I need.

Oh, God, they're all out of order now.

That bastard caretaker just said we have to unplug our gear at 4 o'clock.

Everything's plugged into the power point in his wee room and he's going to

unplug us so he can lock up. Oh, perfect.

That's just perfect.

All right, Hector, you spill them so you can file them back.

What about the requests?

OK, everybody, no more requests between the letters A and H. You got that?

Eddie, go and get us some electric. What?

Try the officers, try the ward. Here's a list of all the power supplies in the

hospital. Now go!

That doesn't have to be me.

You think they're going to give their electricity to a loony? You've got five

minutes. My show's about to start.

There's not gonna be a show without electric.

Now go!

Here, bribe them if you need to.

But who's gonna take a show?

Francine, this is your big moment.

Oh, no!

Rosalie!

Danny and Mary have eaten one of the prizes.

Which one? The fruitcake.

Well, at least it wasn't the teddy. I'm not gonna take the show. I'm not ready.

Rosalie, I've got someone here I'd like to meet. You'll have to wait your turn.

You see those stalls over there?

There's a list of every store and what they're selling.

Come on, away you go and buy a fruitcake.

Rosalie, are you listening to me? You did it before, you can do it again.

Well, that's just about all for me this afternoon.

Does I come before L? Does L come before I? I comes before L. Rosalie, she's...

What happened to Eddie? He's gone in to find us some electric. If he doesn't

find it, the next two minutes the caretaker's pulling the plug.

They can't do this. I haven't been a contestant in the loony pools yet.

I can see the audience, Fergus.

We'll be fine. Does S come before T?

Did you hear of him with his alphabet?

I know you're busy, but I just want... Can you not see I'm busy?

Right. Your time's up.

I'm walking up now.

If you pull that plug, you're pulling the plug on my whole career.

It's open day, for Christ's sake.

Just another day for me.

If there is the

first word, should it not go into the tea?

I didn't mean to freak you.

I'll find some sandwiches then.

Rosalie. Hello.

This is the fabulous Francine.

Rosalie. What? What do you want?

Rosalie, I'm Lady Sarah Chalmers, patron of the Friends of St. Jude.

Sorry.

Sweaty hands.

I can see how busy you are. But I just wanted to congratulate you personally on

what a splendid job you've done in helping to make this open day such a

success. Thank you.

It's not a very trendy cause, working with a mentally ill. Believe me, I know.

But you're a marvel, Rosalie.

However did you organise something so vast?

I... Made a lesson.

And it's time once again for the loony pools!

Just a small contribution.

Thank you so much.

So, get ready to mark your X for the last time as I give you contestants

number 23 and 24.

You decided to come?

She's nice lassie. For the final time, can you spot the loony? How you don't

ask her for dates? She's the one I was telling you about, the new DJ I'm

training.

She doesn't look crazy.

Do I know that guy?

Do we have one without the glasses, Mr Milligan?

Because I knew the disguise wouldn't work.

Try acting loony. What?

For that, I want money.

For you.

Do you mind being asked to play Spot the Loony, Mr Milligan?

No, I do not mind being Spot the Loony, but I object

to being called Spot.

He did it.

That bastard got Spike Millie.

Oh, hello.

You've still got your dental.

Fergus bought me a new bottle.

It was really kind of him.

You should have come to the open day on Saturday, Jim. We had music and dancing

and Spike Milligan was there.

I'm not 100% sure who he is, but he stayed famous, so he is.

Where's your new dress?

It's burnt.

You burnt it? No!

But I did give it to Matt John, the pyromaniac, and I think he burned it.

You had your injection yet?

No. I told them I didn't want it.

You're not coming home if you've not had that injection.

Aye.

I know.

But I'm not going to take any more of this crapola.

What?

I told them, and I'm telling you, I'm not going to take any more of this

crapola.

Where did you get that thing?

I think it's from an American film.

Robbie always liked those American films, didn't he?

Aye.

I still miss him, Jim.

I'd like to thank all of you who turned out to support the team for Open Day on

Saturday. And having raised the grand total of £643.67, plus

an anonymous donation of £500, pay somebody with a lot of musical taste, we

are still in business.

I think you all deserve a big hat.

What have you done?

Just booked out for the papers.

Well?

We're in.

Yes! Steady record.

Evening Times.

The Herald. Just a pair of loony goons.

Spike Milligan with Campbell Bain of St Jude's Hospital Radio.

We've done it! We're on!

Campbell, you are a genius.

Genius? She's the genius!

Rosalie, we're on our way!

Sorry.

I wanna hold your hand.

I wanna hold your hand.

I wanna hold your hand.

And when I touch you, I feel happy inside.

It's such a feeling that my love, I cannot...

that something i think you'll understand when i

i'll say that something