Original subtitles

There they go.

That's six windows, white, never paint, weather beater, work to begin Monday

week.

I don't know, Stephen.

Perhaps we should go for the aluminium after all.

What was the price difference again?

Look, Mr Wyatt, I'll leave these brochures with you and I'll come back

next week.

No! We'll have the never paint weather beater. Mrs Wyatt, I've got to go.

Aluminium then!

I'll pop in next week. I'll just go find a pen. Look, I've got to go!

Look round.

Here it comes.

Here it comes.

Here it comes.

Here it comes.

And cross your ninety-foot bridge out.

Where you go?

I make supper.

Well, Kathy, looks like you might get your chance sooner than you think.

Good evening, bedboppers.

Now, last week I asked you to let me know if you wanted to hear more 50s

music, more 60s music or more 70s music.

And after reading through a total of one reply, the answer is...

I hope you break your leg and get gangrene.

So... That was it for next week's Mailbag. Do you want me to break my leg

or just get gangrene? Or would you like me to break my leg and get gangrene?

Keep those cards and letters coming, bedboppers!

Eddie, I have a word, do you think?

Aye, come in.

I have a wee problem, man. I was wondering if you could help me out.

You see, Kathleen... Oh, the Rottweiler.

Say no more.

I told you we should get rid of her.

You know, you've been with us a long time, Eddie.

Seven years?

Eight. Eight. My point exactly.

You're our most experienced DJ.

I just wonder that you've not gone professional by now.

Well... It's not giving it much thought.

Well, it's just that Kathleen has been with us for a year now, and she's paid

her dues.

I just think it's time she had her own show.

Oh, no.

No, no chance.

You're not getting me to train her. I'd seen a trained Godzilla who had better

dress sense and only actually ate folk when he was hungry. Look, Eddie, I've

known you a long time and you have to understand how difficult it is for me to

say this. Have you dumped him yet or what?

Because I just want to know, am I doing the show next week or no?

You're getting rid of me.

I'm sorry, Eddie.

You cannae give her a slot.

We've got responsibility here, Mr Petrie. There's folk out there on life

support machines.

You cannae make them listen to rap music.

I have to give the ones coming through a chance, Eddie.

You cannae take my show away from me.

I don't know if you'd be interested, but I got a call from a Dr Winter, who's the

new administrator at St Jude's Hospital.

They used to have a wee station there in the 70s and she's interested in trying

to get it going again.

They're looking for somebody to take it over.

If you're not interested... No.

No, I'm interested.

I'll ring them tomorrow.

And he didn't dump me.

I've been promoted, if you must know.

Taking over as station manager at St Jude's Hospital.

What's so funny about that?

St Jude's is a loony bin.

Oh, I'm sure you'll fit in there fine, Eddie.

Grandma.

I make you nice supper, but you don't eat. I wasn't hungry.

Aye, but now you're thirsty, eh?

Sit.

How do you drink this?

I don't understand Scots, boys.

All night you drink off and off and speak loudly of your penises and vomit.

In Lithuania, all night, boys drink vodka and then fall down quietly.

What's wrong? You have a long face.

Nothing. Don't lie.

God sees you. What's wrong?

I've been sacked.

Oh, Jesus, Mary Joseph.

You only have job three weeks.

No, not a sales job.

Radio station.

Oh, well, that's good.

Maybe now you buy a nice car.

and go out and meet a nice lassie. Nothing wrong with my car.

Eddie, brand new, this car was rubbish.

Eddie, you are 38 years old and still no married. I promise your mother on

deathbed that I see you married.

You want I die and burn forever in flames of hell?

I just haven't found the right one.

You think I find the right one?

You think your mother find the right one?

Oh, blue eyes and itchy feet, we find misery.

But God put us on this earth to suffer.

That's how he invents Stalin.

Dear Mr. McKenna, thank you for sending us your demo tape.

We have listened with interest.

But unfortunately, we do not feel... Regrettably,

we do not feel...

Hello.

I'm Eddie McKenna. I'm the new hospital radio DJ.

They told me the station was down here somewhere.

Aye.

What's that?

Aye, it's just my records.

Have you got any Black Sabbath?

No. What about Postman Pat?

Um... I've got a patient here.

I'm the nursing assistant.

Any of this lot give you any trouble.

You just ask for Stuart.

Right. Right.

I'll go and get the charge notes for you, okay?

So,

you must be the new DJ.

Aye, Eddie McKenna. Campbell Bain.

Well, I suppose you want to have a look at your new station? Aye.

They told me you'd be expecting me. I'll introduce you to all the loonies later

on. They're watching Neighbours at the moment.

It's the high point of the patient's day.

And eating, I suppose. Two high points.

Eating and watching Neighbours. And sleeping.

Three high points.

That's a wonder the patient's aren't exhausted for all the excitement now.

Here we are.

It's worse than I thought.

In here, everything is worse than you thought.

The albums have been a-ragging for weeks, but I don't think any of the

donors were under 80 by the look of them.

Even some 78s in there.

You got the key?

No, but we can try it at the nurses' station.

It hasn't been used in years, you know.

They tried to get it going again a couple of years ago.

Rumour has it that the next morning, 122 patients told their shrinks they were

hearing voices.

And they prescribed about £6,000 worth of major tranquilisers before they

realised it was a hospital radio.

So it had to be stopped.

I don't believe it myself.

I cannae believe 122 patients could not be watching television at the same time.

I've been looking for you, Campbell. Ben, where have you been?

I've been showing Eddie McKenna here at the radio station. He's the new DJ.

Well, you've missed the drug round. Now go and tell Nurse you need your drugs.

She's always doing that.

Always trying to get me to take drugs.

Downers will win them up, uppers will win them down. If you did that there

outside, you'd be arrested, you know. Campbell, go.

He's a patient. Oh, yes.

So you're the new DJ?

Aye. Think you'll get this thing going again, then?

I'm gonna try.

Electricians were in yesterday to check it over.

Mind you, all they can guarantee is it won't actually burn the place down.

Come on, I'll get you the key.

pretty normal.

What do you expect them to look like?

The beasts of Borneo?

So how did they come to be in here?

Things get on top of them.

One in four of us will suffer a mental health problem at some time in our

lives.

It's a tough world out there, you know.

That's Nana, by the way. Now, she was picked up by the police a few weeks ago.

Living rough, drinking cheap vodka, hailing all and sundering a language

only she understands.

She's not typical, though.

She's just waiting for a bed on the continuing care ward.

Now, the only thing we know about her at the moment is she's very religious.

Doctors reckon she's speaking in tongues.

Will she get better?

After a few months in a long stay ward, she won't be able to tie her shoelaces.

Believe me, if you had to invent something that was guaranteed to drive

people completely around the bend, you'd invent a mental hospital.

Oh, she loves music, by the way.

She could be one of your first customers.

Is that how she's called? Nana.

I suppose all the germs are dead by now.

Well, about to start.

Frankie Lane, Frank Sinatra, Frankie Vaughan.

Any albums you're not buying that is called Frank.

Terrific.

I mean, that is sent here.

Na, na, na, na, na, na, na.

Someone in there.

Someone in there.

Enough whisky.

Shit!

Shit!

Ah, what would it do to you, eh?

Make you go normal?

Oh, no.

Sveiks.

Whatever you said.

Give me my wallet, then.

There's no money in it, you know.

It's my business card.

You see there?

Edward McKenna, sales representative.

I sell windows.

You know.

Windows. Aye, I wonder where that went.

I haven't needed one of them in so long, you'll probably find it's made of your

sheep's bladder.

That's my godson.

That's my cousin's wee boy.

No, he's not mine. He's my cousin's.

You're as mad as a hat, Nana, you know that?

Nana, now, for a start off, we do not want to listen to Valdunican's greatest

hits.

If you want to listen to some music, here's where we look.

Then we very carefully...

And respectfully, take the record out of its sleeve.

And very gently, put it on the turntable.

Switch on the mixing desk.

Na-na!

Then we switch on the turntable.

And this one's for you, Nana.

That actually works, Nana.

It's a miracle.

Twinview, may I help you?

One moment, please.

McKenna!

Okay, now, come up, man. I think you need to have a blether.

Well, I should be.

Sit down, sit down.

So, how's it going?

How are you settling in?

No bad, no bad.

Is this you just back from pounding the pavement, say?

The victor returning to Rome?

No, exactly.

But I did get two definite maybes.

Oh, now, listen to me, son.

Before I got this sales manager job, I was a rep, just like you.

And do you know how I got to be where I am today?

I don't know, Mr Griffin.

I never accepted a maybe.

And that's my advice to you, McKenna.

It's a dog-eat-dog world out there.

And do you know what kind of dog you need to be?

No. Go on, guess.

I don't know.

Then guess.

An Alsatian? A terrier!

Have you ever kept a terrier?

No, sir.

Dreadful dogs never keep a terrier. That's my advice to you.

And do you know why you should never keep a terrier?

I don't know much about dogs.

They bite your ankles, McKenna, and they never let go.

Oh, you can say maybe, maybe, maybe to a terrier all you like, but they never let

go. A dog like that once put down for a salesman.

A salesman like that once promoted.

Do you know what I'm saying to you?

I think so, Mr Griffin.

Now, I have to tell you there's been a complaint about you.

What? It seems this couple in Queen's Park, the Wyatts, are saying that you

steadfastly refused to sell them any windows.

They said they were practically running down the road after you, pen in hand,

begging you to sell them some windows.

But you refused.

Aye, well...

Now,

listen to me, McKenna. I've worked

with the public all my life.

And believe me...

Half of that lot out there are daft, and the other half are loonies.

And do you know what the Wyatts are?

No. Then guess, son.

Guess.

Loonies.

See?

You're beginning to follow me now.

But even loonies need double glazing.

So I want you to go back there tonight and close that sale, all right?

The night's been a night off.

I mean, aye.

Good lad.

Now away and bite their ankles, eh?

Roof, roof!

That's mine.

Look, the sales report.

I'm gonna raise a purse, I'm gonna raise a holler.

I'm not working all summer just to try to earn a dollar.

Yes,

it is.

That was Summertime Blues, and this is Ready Eddie McKenna, ready to

take you back in time with those golden, moldin' oldies on this, our first

broadcast on the all-new St. Jude's Hospital Radio.

I'm going to be coming at you through your ward and dayroom speakers every

Tuesday, Thursday and Saturday evenings, 7pm to 9.

So, let's get to know each other, eh?

To know, know, know him is to love, love, love

him. Just like Steve's smile makes my life worthwhile.

To know, know, know him is to love, love, love him.

I'd be good to him I'd bring

love to him Everyone said

I'll have to push my way through the fan to go here

Sometimes I don't know what am I gonna do, Lord? There ain't no cure for the

summertime blues.

So you listened?

Aye, it was brilliant.

Sort of like a Levi's, Wrigley's, Pepsi and Iron Brewer that all rolled into

one. Young girl, get out of my mind. You never close your eyes. Fame! You ain't

another boy to handle.

Did anyone else listen?

Well, I don't think so.

Unless you count Agnes, a nurse sat her next to one of the speakers.

You see, she's catatonic, so it's difficult to know whether she was

actually listening.

You picked a bad time, though. Tuesday at 7 o'clock is Emmerdale.

And the patients are very fond of Emmerdale.

So I should have started at 7.30? They'd miss his tenders.

8. You chance the bill.

Television's not just a simple diversion here. It's more a way of life.

You're not going to pack it in, are you?

What do you think?

But this station has potential, Eddie.

It could be big. It could be very big. Campbell, I have spent the entire

evening alone, surrounded by 200 scratched pre-coronation records,

broadcasting an equipment that should be in a museum to one person, down speakers

that make me sound like my head's in a bucket.

Well, OK, I admit, it's a slow start.

But, hang on, Eddie, you're not boring me or that, but I just see a freighter

bike flying past the window. Fergus!

What are you doing? You're going to hurt yourself.

Shall I get a nurse?

Fergus!

You're going to miss your cocoa, you know.

I know.

Well, can I have it then?

Help yourself.

He's escaping.

Yeah. He'll be knocking on the door in an hour or so. He always does.

I know he's hell at the staff.

Anyway, Eddie, the only thing we have to do is find a way of getting that lot

away from the television.

How?

Well, a student nurse once accidentally gave everyone in the ward an overdose of

laxative. Believe me, nobody was watching TV that night. Campbell, you

kind of gave the whole hospital a laxative.

Yeah, right.

What would I get a hold of all that laxative?

What about a request show?

You've already thought of that. I haven't got enough records.

So?

So, when folk request something, they usually like it to be able to play it.

Well, we just make them keep requesting until they're hitting something we

actually have.

If you can guess a record that we actually have in our library, then we

will play it for you with our special dedication.

Who could resist? It'd never work. We need some jingles.

Hospital radio, St Jude's, that sort of thing. You need singers to record

jingles. And what exactly is sitting here before you?

A lunatic.

Aye, but a singing lunatic.

We can record them in the station, aye?

Aye. Brilliant.

Now give me the key.

What key?

To the station.

Look, I've got to start.

Writing the jingles, rehearsing the singers, cataloguing the albums.

Campbell, how exactly are you in here?

You don't guess.

I'm manic.

But don't worry, the drugs I take make me completely stable.

Except for the headaches, of course.

I get these headaches, it just comes over me and I cannae... Ah, the bells!

The bells!

And I won't want you, by the way.

What? Well, after all this work, I think it's only fair, don't you?

Campbell, I cannae just give you your own show.

You need training and the equipment.

So? Train me?

I'll take Friday nights.

Well, that'll clash with Brookside.

Rosalie, the doctor says you're not a window cleaner.

But these windows are filthy, so they are.

Do you agree?

Um,

you might just take off.

I'm going to train Campbell Bain as a DJ. We're going to get a request show

going. Get the patients involved.

If that's okay, we'll start.

The philosophy here is to encourage patients to use their own initiative and

be self-motivated.

So they will mind?

They'll hate it.

Listen, I know it's none of my business or that, but I couldn't help but notice

that's a miraculous medal round Nana's neck.

So? So it means she's a Catholic.

Catholics don't speak in tongues, you see.

Maybe nobody's told Nana that.

Hang in there, pet.

Ladies and gentlemen, I have an important announcement to make.

Campbell, you're in the way.

It will only take a moment.

We're trying to watch Miss Marple.

Look, it'll only take ten seconds.

Move before I move you myself.

Ten seconds, that's all I ask.

Give him ten seconds and then maybe he'll shut up.

I just wanted to announce that the woman Miss McGillicuddy saw being strangled on

the train was in fact Martine Perrault, legal but estranged wife of Dr Quimper,

who murdered her in order to be free to marry Emma Crackenthorpe and inherit the

Crackenthorpe fortune.

Why did you have to tell us who ended?

There's no point in watching it now.

True. Which brings me to my second announcement.

Is Gardener's World on yet? Look, you're not getting to this television till I've

made my second announcement.

Right.

The gallery launch of St Jude's Hospital Radio will take place tomorrow night at

7pm. We want Gardener's World.

With the very first of our radio request shows in which our very own Ready Eddie

will play your requests and dedications live and on the air.

So... Are you ready to request?

Then ready, Eddie, go!

Do you mean if I make a request, you'll play it on the radio?

The hospital radio.

Which means about three folk will hear it.

Have you got I'm In The Mood For Love?

No.

But I've got In The Mood By Glenn Miller. Would you like us to play it for

you? I've never heard of it.

What about Take My Breath Away? Have you got that?

Was that released after 1975?

Oh, aye.

Then no, but... Oh, I mean, we haven't got every record ever released.

We want Gardiner's World.

You wouldn't have My Way by Big Frank on that list of yours, would you?

Sold! Give that man a pen and have him step this way!

Is that you now?

Is that you as a ween?

I couldn't have thought it was too recent.

That's not your wee kitty, is it?

We're starting up a request show, Nana.

Music.

Do you want me to play Hey Jude for you?

Come on, you dear.

Come on, you dear.

Where's the rest of your life, Nana?

Ta-da!

This is amazing.

You did this all yourself?

Well, nearly.

I helped him.

Oh, I'm Rosalie, by the way.

Much as I hate to take advantage of someone's illness, but she did insist.

I'm compulsive, you see.

We've sorted out all the donated records, by the way. I've filed them

alphabetically and catalogued them according to period, artist and song,

except for this pile here, which we've left for you because I wasn't sure how

to categorise them.

Oh, and look, the lead on this speaker is long enough so we can put it in the

corridor tomorrow night and attract a wee bit of attention.

And I've written about half a dozen jingles, which we can record later on if

you want.

Hospital radio, St Jude's.

I'm old and golden, oldies, da-do, da-do.

Ready, Eddie's roadshow.

Ready, Eddie, go.

Did I listen one day?

Oi!

Wish you were married.

Luke, I've got a quite a work now.

Campbell, have you ever noticed... Does Nana ever get any visitors?

Nana? No.

She's off to the Twilight Zone next week, so I hear. At what?

You know.

Or three.

Only two ways, aren't they?

In a box, or in a box.

Look, she showed me some photos the night. Her daughter, I think, and some

other folk went.

I mean, where are they?

It was no her fault she's gone and looped the loop.

No, she's no loony. What do you mean?

Well, she's a laugh.

She talks to you.

I mean, it's not like she's talking to wee blue men for Venus.

Although some of my best friends have been known to talk to the wee blue men

for years.

Nana's as sane as iron.

Well, I wouldn't use those exact words in court, Campbell.

Scary, is it not?

Are you all right?

How would I not be all right?

Don't know.

You're a patient here?

No, I'm the new Minister of Health for Scotland.

What's your name?

Francine.

So you're the new DJ, eh?

That's me.

We're starting up a request show with the patients.

If you only request something, I'll play it for you.

What about help?

I don't think I've got that one.

Doesn't matter.

No, that's stupid. I should have that one. Doesn't matter.

What did you do that for?

I was putting out my cigarette.

On your arm?

I couldn't find an ashtray.

I thought that was you.

Mr. Clifford. You're wasting your time here, aren't you, McKenna?

This is not a replacement window friendly area, McKenna. Look at the

houses. They're all brand new.

Good point.

Now tell me what's happening with the Wyatts.

They haven't been able to get there yet.

They've been busy, I suppose.

McKenna, busy is not a word. In a salesman's vocabulary.

Exactly.

Busy is when your customer thinks there are more important things in his life.

than installing replacement windows.

But there isn't. And it's your job to point that out to him. Aye, Mr... It's a

dog-eat-dog world out there, McKenna. And you know what kind of dog you have

to be?

A terrier, sir.

A dog who sells windows, McKenna.

Good night.

Good evening, this is Ready Eddie, and on my left is my right-hand man...

Campbell Bain. And you're listening to the first ever Ready Eddie Radio Request

Roadshow.

Ready Eddie's Roadshow, Ready Eddie goes. That's right, this is the

premiere, this is the first, and you can tell everyone that you were there, you

heard it, you saw it, and they'll tell you it's all part of your illness. We're

playing requests from Ward 11 this evening. The first one is for Francine.

I hope you're listening, Francine. I hope anybody's listening. Is anyone

listening? Is anybody out there?

Help! I need somebody Help!

Not just anybody Help!

You know I need someone Help!

When I was younger, so much younger than today I never needed

anybody's help in any way

What's the matter with it? I don't know!

The television's broken, Eddie!

That is a god!

Help me get my feet back on the ground.

Won't you please, please help me?

When I was younger, so much younger than today, I never needed

anybody's help in any way.

But now these days are gone, I'm not so self-assured. And now I find a change.

What's wrong?

The mixing desk.

Well, do something!

What can I do?

I can't even turn on the bathroom light without shocking myself.

Well, check the plug. Maybe it's the fuse.

It's not the fuse. I can't believe this. I've just had the world's shortest

career as a disc jockey.

Fergus, what are you doing?

I'll just have a look. No, don't!

Don't have a look, Fergus.

You think he'll blow it up? Fergus, I'm asking you, please leave it alone.

It's gonna blow it up. I think I know what the problem is.

He's blowing it up.

Fergus, Fergus, Fergus.

Fergus, don't.

Fergus, Fergus, Fergus.

It's all we've got.

Fergus, Fergus, Fergus.

He's not causing trouble, is he?

No, he's just...

Just help me get the mixing desk going again. Him?

He didn't get his brain going again.

Leave it, Stuart.

It's all over.

You're a genius, Fergus.

Are you serious?

Sorry about the technical problems, folks. We're now back on the air and we

hope to keep it that way. Our next request is for Simon and it's dedicated

to his girlfriend, Jennifer.

Hey, you know, three of number five channels are US, by the way, and some of

the contacts need resoldering.

Really needs an overhaul.

How'd you let her do all that, by the way?

Used to be my job.

Electrical engineer.

Used to?

Well, nobody wants to hire a loony.

Might do something weird.

Aye.

Well, I'm sorry about that.

Doesn't matter.

I'll get some parts in the soldering iron tomorrow.

Have to go into Glasgow for that.

You're escaping?

Mm-hm. Want to tell me how you're going to do it? No.

Why do you have to do that all the time?

Do what?

Escape.

I'll get bored.

But you come back.

I'll have to come back. I'm sectioned.

Sectioned?

Detained under Section 26 of the Scottish Mental Health Act. A danger to

myself or others.

How?

I hear voices.

How do you mean?

In here.

Calling me a stupid bastard.

Well, I'm always calling myself a stupid bastard.

Well, don't tell them that.

Oh,

I suppose I'll need to put this back.

Where did you get that from?

From the back of the television.

He's a sleek-out wee bastard. Do you know that, Ferguson?

You coming for the Kokura?

No, I'm going to try and finish something through these.

The Around the World series, volume 16 music from the Baltics. Aye.

Fergus, if we've ever found ourselves wondering what they play on Baltic Top

of the Pops, we need wonder no more.

I can just hear Lithuania's John Peel announcing... At number four, we've got

Kuldranike. And at number three, it's Antkalno Muriae.

Straight in at number two, Kui Kungla Ravas Kulso Al.

But this week, again, the number one single is Kamalindeja.

Kamalindeja.

Kamalindeja.

Grandma, I need to ask you something. You eat first, then you ask.

Grandma, I came across this record tonight.

Sit.

Does the word Kamalindia mean anything to you? Don't be stupid.

Doesn't it?

Of course not.

That is Latvian.

Oh, Jesus.

It's a dance she used to do.

Kamalindea means the bobbin dance, you see.

We're going to discharge her.

How did this happen?

She just never learned to speak English. She came here as a refugee and her

daughter always did the talking for her. But she died two years ago.

She was speaking Latvian.

We just didn't understand.

Good evening, Mr Wyatt.

What are you doing here?

I've come to see if you made your minds up about your windows.

We expected you ages ago.

Well, I had to drop all these contracts.

It takes time to drop contracts.

The men from Rockfield took no time at all to draw up the contract.

They start work on Wednesday.

I'm sorry about that.

But business is business.

Aye.

No sale, eh?

No.

Don't forget your pay packet, by the way.

You know that he pays, so you can reasonably be called a pay packet.

I'll get a sale of mine.

Nana?

Ah!

That's sissy too!

It's fixed!

It's fixed!

Whatever you say.

Come on in there Come

on in there