Original subtitles

♪ It seems today that all you see ♪

♪ Is violence in movies and sex on TV ♪

♪ But where are those good old-fashioned values ♪

♪ On which we used to rely? ♪

♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪

♪ Lucky there's a man who positively can do ♪

♪ All the things that make us ♪

♪ Laugh and cry ♪

♪ He's... a... Fam... ily... Guy! ♪

Where's Dad?

It's office birthdays today at the brewery.

Ever since your father was put in charge,

he's been taking it very seriously.

Okay, Brian, what do you got for me?

Okay, birthday jokes.

"We may be colleagues, but there's no one in your league."

Boy, that's a brick off the backboard.

Chris, what do you got?

"I drove the family to Disneyland for vacation,

"and when we got off the highway, the sign said,

'Disneyland, Left,' so we drove back home."

Chris, that's going in the show.

See that, Brian?

Don't be afraid to pull the heartstrings.

Peter, don't you think you might be putting too much time

into office birthdays and not enough into your job?

Come on, Lois. It's the one thing I look forward to at work.

It's the one thing I'm good at.

I am to birthdays what J.K. Rowling is

to now-problematic wizard stories.

Perhaps Slytherin

or maybe Hufflepuff

or trans women aren't really women.

Wait, what?

I mean, uh, the first two things.

Okay, who's the next girl or boy?

There's only those two.

Who's ready for June birthdays?

♪ June is bustin' out all over ♪

♪ Every birthday boy and girl who's on the clock ♪

♪ First there's Annie from accounting ♪

♪ Just turned 40, but who's counting? ♪

♪ And that old guy Frank down on the dock ♪

Ladies and gentlemen, Leslie Uggams.

♪ June is bustin' out all over ♪

♪ Ah, tole, da, da-doe-da, tinkin' can ♪

♪ All the hanna-manna wishes ♪

♪ And the hanna-wenna fishes ♪

♪ Out of all the morning glories on the spam ♪

♪ Because it's June ♪

♪ Da-da-da ♪

♪ Just because it's June, June ♪

♪ June! ♪

Wait, isn't it November?

Who cares? They are marvelous.

So I drove my family down to Disneyland for vacation.

When we got off the highway, the sign said,

"Disneyland, Left," so we drove back home.

Thanks. I wrote that.

Oh, I'll show him.

I own the school paper.

Get me dirt on Principal Shepherd's car.

I also own the school car wash.

Myeah. Myeah.

Children, please continue independent play

while I go see if I just sneezed my tampon out.

Let's see. Any good reads here?

Hmm, what's this?

Hmm.

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

My word, this is brilliant.

Now to find my mark.

Hey, Stewie. What you reading?

Something with different cloths to feel?

No, not since, uh... not since COVID.

I say, Doug, it appears you've got something on your shirt.

Is that so?

♪ ♪

Ha-ha! There's nothing on your shirt!

It was all a ruse.

Doug, are you okay?

Oh, my God, what happened?

Who did this to you? Stewie.

Stewart Griffin-Suarez, is that true?

No!

And thank you for that.

Rupert and I decided to hyphenate.

I hope it doesn't make me look like too much of a pushover.

Now, where was I? Oh, yes.

Screw it.

Yes, I hit him.

And it was glorious.

This is your third strike, Stewie.

That means no more time-outs.

You get a detention.

Detention?

You can't scare me.

The only thing that scares me is a sudden loud noise,

even if it's only spoken.

We now return to Val Kilmer

and Robert Downey Jr.

-in Kiss Kiss... Ooh!

...Bang Bang!

So, how did the birthday thing go?

Amazing, Lois.

I've even been asked to do a TED Talk.

What is a birthday?

I think it can best be understood by breaking down

the word "birth" and "day."

Where the hell is everyone?

Ah, okay. Now it makes sense.

Bye-bye, Stewie.

Yeah, buh-bye, whatever.

Stewie, where are you headed?

You've got detention this morning.

That's where I'm headed.

Stewie, no, detention isn't in preschool.

It's in the elementary school building.

The elementary school?

But that's where the big kids are.

Oh, I'm sorry. Did I ruins y'all's reveal?

Let me go ahead and scooch back a little.

Beep, beep, beep.

Oh, no! Look at that big scary school!

♪ ♪

My God, these kids have their teeth.

And where are their pacifiers? How do they ever sleep?

Detention kids are scary.

Especially that fourth grader writing on the board.

Ah, that is such a load of

truth, a wonderful load of truth.

All right, birthdays.

Whoop, whoop!

What the hell is this?

It's happy birthday

to you.

I didn't approve this.

Oh, yeah? Well, who the hell are

you-you?

I'm Preston Lloyd,

the new manager of the brewery and your boss.

Is that true-true?

Yes. And I've been charged with improving brewery productivity.

And it has become clear to me that the best way to start is

by canceling office birthdays, effective immediately.

I don't know how to stop on roller skates,

so hang on until I run out of momentum.

What?!

But, Mr. Lloyd, you can't cancel office birthdays.

I'm pretty sure I can.

Mr. Griffin, I like focused, productive employees.

But this is a brewery. Beer is supposed to be fun.

I've been sober for 46 years.

How old are you? 46.

A brewery is not about getting drunk.

It's a business.

I need disciplined, productive employees.

Can you be that, Mr. Griffin?

Oh, heavens, no.

Then we're going to have a problem.

But, Mr. Lloyd, you can't take away office birthdays.

People love 'em.

If it means that much to the employees, fine.

Yay!

I'll do them. Aw.

Attention, employees.

This is Mr. Lloyd, your manager.

I will now resume

the office birthday celebration from earlier.

Helen Daily, date of birth 12/10/1968.

Martin Burke, date of birth 12/13/1969.

J.H. Christ, 12/25...

zero, zero, zero, zero.

You now have two minutes to consume cake.

Hey, do you know where I can get a pacifier in this place?

I'm jonesing.

Anyone hears you say that in here,

you'll get your ass kicked.

You're the "something on your shirt" kid, right?

How did you know?

Well, I make it my business to know.

You got purdy lips.

Why, thank you. It's a new serum.

Move over, lip balms. The secret is retinol.

Let's talk later.

I can't believe the new jerk manager

canceled office birthdays.

It was the one thing in life I looked forward to.

Is this manager a no-nonsense, button-down man

who's also been in the military?

How'd you know? Mm-hmm.

Well, what do I do? Take it from a lawman,

whenever authorities have tried to take away something

the people find precious,

the people have found ways around the law.

They always find a way, like nature.

Look at that.

Tree bent to keep growing toward the sun.

Anyway, I'm Joe, and I don't do a lot of these.

Boy, wouldn't you like to know

what those little guys are saying?

♪ ♪

What's the password?

"Fat man."

I'd like to wish all you birthday boys and girls

a special day with the help of...

The Beatles.

One, two, three, hit it.

The boss is coming.

And this is our final stop on the tour.

What's this room?

Oh, this is an unused meeting room

that no one pays attention to.

Ah. Well, then,

I suppose there's no need to pay any attention.

Okay, there was an elderly Jewish family hiding in there,

and I don't know what to tell them.

Well, Stewie, you've completed your detention.

What have you learned from this experience?

That your mother's a whore.

Hey, Stewie. How was your detention?

Brian Griffin, is that really you?

Been a long time, it has.

I saw you this morning.

The world's gone and got itself in a big damn hurry.

You lose track of time on the inside, Brian.

You wouldn't know.

You ain't seen the things I've seen.

Preschool detention? No, I guess I haven't.

What'd you do in there? Got jacked.

You look exactly the same. And yet I got jacked.

Okay, time to make this office my own

and decorate it with my prized achievements.

Ah, let's start with my Big Mouth Billy Bass

with the battery removed

so I don't have to be interrupted by that nonsense.

Ah, my framed ticket stub

from opening night of Independence Day.

My Purple Heart.

Today, for a special birthdays treat,

I've acquired Marty McFly's amp.

Who's ready to rock birthdays?

There.

A lifetime of fragilely framed achievements.

What the hell?

Mr. Lloyd!

What is going on in here?

Ow! Ow! Aah!

Sorry.

Aah! That didn't work!

Ow, my bones!

I had a very good rotation guy work on this.

Ow, though!

Ow! Please stop!

Sorry. Sorry. I-I don't know what to say.

I'll call the guy. I-I don't know, I don't know what to say.

Griffin, is this some kind of

secret birthday celebration room?

I made a decision to cancel office birthdays,

and it was very explicit.

There was nudity?

Mr. Griffin, you leave me no other choice.

You're fired. Fired?

Can I still get paid and just not come?

No.

Well, I guess it's time to say goodbye

to the security guards whose names I never learned.

Take care, Cap'n.

Stay golden, Chief.

Be well, Buckaroo.

Bye, Francesca Louise Allessandro.

Say hi to Max and Samuel and your sister Eloise for me.

And good luck with your night courses.

Hey, do you have, like, a nickname on Instagram?

I'm having trouble finding you.

I can't believe you were fired from the brewery.

I mean, how are we gonna pay our bills?

That depends.

When you use Venmo, do they just, like,

believe you that you have the money?

No.

Right? No.

Fine. Maybe they'll take me back

as the Radio City Rockette with too-big shoes.

Shoes!

Shoes!

Should we just get him smaller shoes?

Wouldn't matter. He butters his feet.

Stewie, breakfast!

When did this new slab of beef get delivered?

My name's Chris.

You don't have a name until I give you one.

You're a little young and plump to be in a place like this.

You need a friend.

Someone who can provide you with protection.

I could be your friend.

All we'll need is a BIC pen and a lighter.

Why? So you can burn a swastika into my butt?

Well, you just ruined the surprise, you goofball.

Oh. Stewie.

What brings you by?

You're gonna give me what I want.

Um, wh-what are you talking about?

You know.

We're doing this, and you're gonna find a way to enjoy it.

I-I don't like it.

I don't understand what's happening.

The three sisters have a magic hopscotch board

that turns them into superheroes,

but only at night and never if it's raining.

It's too complicated and noisy.

Yeah, it is both of those things.

And their cat speaks French.

Yeah. Yeah.

Oh, there you are, Rupert.

Funny how I never got a visit in detention.

Not even a letter.

What do you mean you couldn't find a stamp?

Well, no need to mail it now.

Show me the letter.

Show me the damn letter!

I met a new friend in detention.

His name is Thomas the Shank Engine.

I think it's time you two met.

You want to meet him?

What's going on in here?

You don't know what detention was like, Brian.

I feel like I aged four years in there.

On the first day, an older boy put two fingers on my nose

and just took it right off my face and held it in front of me

and said, "I got it. I got your nose."

That ever happen to you, Brian?

You ever seen your own nose wiggling between two fingers

right in front of your face?

And he never gave it back.

Stewie, what's going on in here?

Okay, you are coming with me.

They've got my nose, Brian.

They've got my nose.

They've got my--

Ah.

This changes everything.

Ooh, bubbles!

Aw, looks like somebody was overdue for his bath time.

That's why you've been so cranky.

All right, after this, we'll get you into your footsie jammies

and tucked into bed.

Ah, finally, I can put that whole detention experience

behind me and just live.

Whoa.

Yep, so that's how your granddad

got his back tattoo and hepatitis.

Never share a needle with Ben Affleck.

How did you and Other Granddaddy meet?

That's a story for when you're older.

The kids at school were asking if you're a bottom or a top.

They should not be asking that.

They said if that was your answer, then you were a bottom.

Who are these kids you're talking to?

I would like to have a word with their attractive fathers.

And that's how you say "productivity"

in 11 different languages,

which, in hindsight, was not a productive use of time.

Oh, sorry to interrupt.

I just came to clear the search history off my computer

before the I.T. guy-- uhp, he's already got it.

Boy, you're really all in on Asa Akira.

Way off, pal. This is the only place I can masturbate.

Griffin, just go.

♪ ♪

Oh, fat man, my fat man.

Mr. Pabian.

Get down from there at once.

♪ ♪

Oh, fat man, my fat man.

Ms. Towers, get down.

Do you hear me? I order you to get down.

Oh, fat man, my fat man.

Get down! Every one of you.

That is a direct order. Do you hear me?

Oh, fat man, my fat man.

Oh, fat man, my fat man.

Oh...

Thank you all. Thank you.

As someone who doesn't remember movies,

I've never seen such an original display of faith in a colleague.

Peter, you're rehired. Really?

Griffin, I guess I've learned

that employees are willing to endure a crappy job,

low pay, meaningless work, no upward mobility,

laughable benefits packages, countless OSHA violations,

exposure to hazardous waste and emotional abuse

as long as there are balloons and pieces of cake once a month.

I guess I can allow that.

And I've learned that every office needs a worst employee

that all the other employees can look down on.

I can be that. I can be that guy.

Now, if you'll excuse me.

Hey-hey, Francesca Louise Allessandro!

Good news. I found your Instagram.

Did you see the 90 photos I liked in a row

last night at 2:00 a.m.?

Also, who's @BeckyFitness96, and can you tell her to unblock me?

Well, Peter, I'm glad you got your job back.

Me, too, Lois, but I am gonna miss

getting to perform every week.

You don't need to be in charge of birthdays to perform.

You know, you're right, Chris.

♪ June is bustin' out all over ♪

♪ It's birthdays and na-na-na-na-na ♪

♪ And a zabba... ♪

Oh, my! Tony Award-winning performer Leslie Uggams?

What are you doing here?

I heard you were singing my song,

but I think you got the words wrong.

It isn't "hana-wanna-dada-baba."

It's "da-zalway-da-da-zee-za." Oh, oh, okay.

And then is it, uh, something about Nash Bridges?

No, it's "all the little bit of dridges."

Ah, "little bit of dridges," of course.

Now you got it!

Come on!

♪ June is bustin' out all over ♪

♪ All over the meadow and the hill ♪

♪ And da-zalway-da-da-zee-za ♪

♪ All the little bit of dridges ♪

♪ And the morning glories and the fez ♪

♪ Because it's June ♪

♪ June, June, June ♪

♪ Bustin' out, it's June, June ♪

♪ June! ♪

Bravo!

That's from the 1945 Rodgers and Hammerstein musical

Carousel, about carousel barker Billy Bigelow,

whose romance with mill worker Julie Jordan

comes at the price of both their jobs.

If you want to know more about it, ask your grandfather,

who was dragged to see it on a date

and then had to get married to touch boob.