Original subtitles

We now return to Sunday Golf on CBS.

And Nicholson here,

trying to save par, and there's Nicholson's wife.

- God, is she hot. - Look at that rack.

There's a downhill lie for you.

They're just out there begging to be touched. Pleading.

How many golf balls do you think she can fit in her mouth?

I'd hit that one in the rough, if you know what I'm saying.

COMMENTATOR 1: Who are you kidding, Greg?

You'd her for a week and then get tired of her.

Yeah, you're right. That's what I do. That's my thing.

- But a hell of a week, though. - Hell of a week.

Oh, my God, the power's out.

What are we gonna do now?

Well, we could light some candles and read.

- Yeah, right. - Yeah, that'd be great.

Yeah, read the inside of my butt.

We could tell stories.

Hey, Dad, why don't you tell the story about when I was born?

Yeah, we got halfway home with the afterbirth,

before we had to go back to the hospital and swap it out for Meg. The end.

Now, I got a better one.

This is a story of love and loss, fathers and sons,

and the foresight to retain international merchandising rights.

This is the story of Star Wars.

Let's begin with Part 4.

You hear that? Sounds like we're being boarded from the rear,

and not the, "Hey, take a deep breath, let's experiment,"

- kind of boarded from the rear. - Could you hold on to this bag?

What if they come in a different door?

Damn! I was two days from retirement.

R2?

Help me, Obi-Wan Kenobi. You're my only hope.

- All right, now what do I click? - Click "preferences."

- Okay, I clicked "preferences." - Now go to "default media browser."

Okay, there's a little hourglass and it's not letting me do anything.

- It says "buffering." What is that? - Just give it a minute.

All I'm trying to do is make an MPEG.

All I'm trying to do is tell you to wait a minute.

Okay, relax.

- Now click "import video file." - All right.

It's telling me I have to download RealPlayer 7.

You know what? I'll just bring it to him myself.

There she is.

You still got that bag I gave you? It's gonna be a long ride.

Hold your fire. There's no life forms aboard.

Hold your fire? What, are we paying by the laser now?

You don't do the budget, Terry. I do.

Hey, I'm gonna do some crosswords, but that doesn't mean I don't want to talk.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

My God, look at this mess.

"Hey, Darth Vader's gonna be here, shall we maybe clean the place up?

"No, it's okay, he won't mind."

Well, well, Princess Leia. Are you prepared to tell me

what you've done with the stolen Death Star plans?

All right, Lord Vader, you win.

I've hidden the plans in one of these 26 briefcases.

Ooh! Ooh!

Okay, okay, I'm feeling number 14, let's go with number 14.

It's okay, I'm just happy to be on TV. All right, take her away.

Okay, here's another one. Who would you rather do?

Jabba the Hutt right after a shower or a service droid?

- My father was a service droid. - Hey, where are you going?

You can kiss the lower part of the back of the canister that is my body.

Oh, man, this looks like the wrong neighborhood.

Oh, boy, it's okay, R2, calm down, be cool.

I ain't done nothing to antagonize nobody.

What, a droid can't walk down the desert no more?

I got rights, too. Who's there?

Any attack made by the rebels against this station would be a useless gesture,

no matter what technical data they've obtained.

This station is now the ultimate power in the universe.

That is fantastic, terrific work. So no weaknesses at all?

No... No.

You hesitated there. Is there something I should know?

No, it's virtually indestructible, like 99.99%.

Okay, wouldn't be doing my job if I didn't ask, what's the 0.01?

Well, I mean, there's this little hole.

It was kind of an aesthetic choice by the architect.

And if you shoot a laser into this hole, the station blows up.

Whoa, whoa, whoa!

That sounds like a pretty big design flaw, then.

No, no, the hole's only 2 meters across.

- Well, that's no bigger than a womp rat. - Exactly.

And even to get within range of it, you have to skim along this whole trench.

It's not a big deal.

Can't we board it up or, you know, put some plywood over it or something?

Well, that would look terrible. I mean, we gotta think about resale.

Resale? What are you talking about? This property is right above Sunset.

The value is only gonna go up.

Lord Vader, your inside references to the Los Angeles real estate market

haven't given you the clairvoyance to turn a profit on that condo in Glendale.

Nor has it...

I find your lack of faith disturbing. That property is in a prime location.

Twenty minutes to the beach, 20 minutes to downtown.

There's nothing to do downtown.

- Enough of this. Vader, release him. - As you wish.

All right, so we're gonna plug up that hole?

Yeah, we can get it done tomorrow, if price is no object.

Uh...

- We'll get estimates. - Get estimates, yeah, yeah.

Someone was in the pod. The tracks go off in this direction.

- Look, sir, droids. - Look, a penny.

Hey, thanks for the sex, early '90s printer.

All right, bring him on out.

Oh, God, it's 100 degrees out here.

If I pass out, please note that I'm wearing a LifeCall bracelet,

with all my insurance information.

Luke? Luke!

- Luke! - What?

Tell Uncle Owen not to tell you that your father is Darth Vader.

Aunt Beru, when are you guys going to let me join the Rebellion,

like all my friends?

Oh, stop whining, Luke, and come have some blue milk.

One of these days, I'm just gonna take off

and join the Rebellion, whether you like it or not.

Over my burnt carcass.

Hey, shut up with the noise.

- Shut up with the shut up. - You shut up with the shut up.

Shut up your face. Now my dog wanna shut up.

- Why you no shut up? - I'll make you shut up.

- You, too, shut up. - Hey, I poke out my head.

Some day, I'll get off this rock and fight the Empire.

John Williams and the London Symphony Orchestra, everybody.

Now do the theme to The People's Court.

This oil bath is gonna feel so good.

Hey, you guys think that '90s printer looked clean, right?

Hey, there's something stuck in this R2 unit.

Help me, Obi-Wan Kenobi. You're my only hope.

Help me, Obi-Wan Kenobi. You're my only hope.

Whoever she is, she sounds like she's in trouble.

Is there any more to this message?

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She said Obi-Wan Kenobi.

I wonder if she means old Obi-Wan Kenobi?

Well, I guess I'll go bulls-eye some womp rats in my T-16.

My God, you shoot small animals for fun?

That's the first indicator of a serial killer, you freak.

There's two suns and no women. What the hell am I supposed to do?

- Master Luke, he's gone, he's gone. - What?

R2, he took off in the middle of the night, we gotta find him.

Oh, what the phantom menace is that guy's problem?

Hey, mind if I turn on the radio?

WTAT, Tatooine's all-talk radio.

My good friends, the liberal galacticmedia

is at it again, they never stop.

Now they're trying to convince us that Hoth is melting.

Well, that's crazy, just trying to scare us.

And if that wasn't enough to get you mad, we now have news that Lando Calrissian

has been made the chief administrator of the Bespin mining facility.

Gee, I wonder how he got that job. Well, let me tell you how he got that job.

Affirmative action strikes again. The time is 8:50.

R2, what are you doing out here?

He says there are several creatures approaching from the southeast.

That's not what I said.

I said there ain't a pack of menthols on this planet.

Well, I see some bantha tracks, but I don't see any...

Wait a minute, they're Sand People, all right, I can see one of them now.

Who the hell are you?

One lucky son of a bitch.

So, Luke, what brings your muscly arms out this way?

I'll show you, Mr. Obi-Wan. R2, play him the message.

General Kenobi, many years ago you served my father in the Clone Wars.

We need your help again. And, not to get too personal,

but you owe us after that mess you got into back on Alderaan.

And we paid to keep the families of those children quiet, so...

This is just, like, logistical stuff. I'll check that later.

...Joey Lawrence haircut.

So, I'll assume we can count on your help

to get the Death Star plans to my father on Alderaan.

The plans are stored inside this R2 unit.

Help me, Obi-Wan Kenobi, you're my only hope.

All right now, what do I click?

Luke, you must learn the ways of the Force,

and come with me to Alderaan.

What's the Force?

The Force is what gives a Jedi Knight his power.

It surrounds us, it penetrates us.

Here, check this out.

Wow! This is cool.

Yeah, everyone in the neighborhood has one.

Hey, why would you hang that up? It looks so tantalizing.

You know, the Empire is gonna come looking for these droids.

But if they find out who the Jawa sold them to,

that could lead them back...

Home!

Luke, wait, it's too dangerous.

Get your fat space ass back here.

Uncle Owen?

Aunt Beru?

Oh, my God!

John Williams!

Great, now we gotta do the rest of this thing with Danny Elfman.

Mos Eisley spaceport.

You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy.

My sister Regina-D2 lives here.

- Is she single? - She's a lez-bot.

- He doesn't like you. - Sorry.

I don't like you either.

You don't even know me.

You know what? That's fair.

I'm Pig Nose, and this is my brother-in-law, Scott.

He's visiting from Hoth.

I don't know why they call it Hoth. They should call it Coldth.

- Okay, settle down. - I'm up after the band.

Thank you. We're the Cantina Band. If you have any requests, shout 'em out.

- Play that same song. - All right, same song, here we go.

Hi, my sexy friend and I are looking for a ship to take us to Alderaan,

and I'm willing to pay big money.

Well, you've come to the right place.

I'm Han Solo, captain of the Millennium Falcon

and the only actor whose career isn't destroyed by this movie.

- Is it a fast ship? - Are you kidding?

It's the ship that made the Kessel Run in less than 12 parsecs.

Isn't a parsec a unit of distance, not time?

Chewie, take these guys to the ship and get her ready.

Always gargle before a takeoff. Wokka wokka! All right, let's go.

Greedo, as a matter of fact, I was just going to see Jabba and tell him...

- Well, what do you think? - What a piece of junk!

Thank you, this was my brother's. He died of leukemia.

How do you feel now?

- You got any strawberry milk in there? - No, but she'll make 0.5 past light speed.

If you want, I'll show you around,

since no one's trying to stop the ship or blast us.

STORMTROOPER: Stop that ship, blast them.

Oh, now I can't show you around. Quick, get in the ship.

Looks like we got Imperial Cruisers on our tail.

Oh, look at that one on the left. Get off your cell phone, you are driving.

They're gaining on us.

We'll be safe enough, once we make the jump to hyperspace.

Besides, I know a few maneuvers. We'll lose 'em.

That was your maneuver? Moving slightly to the left?

Well, I mean, we're not in the same place we were, huh?

- That ought to confuse 'em. - Yeah, but you hardly did anything.

You just started listing lazily to the left.

I'm pretty sure they can keep up.

Where did they go?

There they are! They're listing lazily to the left. Go left, left!

Boy, this guy knows some maneuvers.

All right, strap yourselves in, I'm about to make the jump to light speed.

Did he say "strap in" or "strap on"?

Man, hyperspace always looks so freaky.

Governor Tarkin.

I recognized your foul stench as soon as I was brought onboard.

Um... Actually, that's me, I made a Darth doody.

Princess Leia, we've chosen to test our Death Star planet blower-upper gun

on your home planet of Alderaan.

- No! - She said no. Should we still do it?

Yeah.

How am I doing?

Just keep your knees bent.

Imagine you're spreading butter

on a big piece of bread.

That's it.

Spread that butter...

with the Force.

Ha! You guys seem like crazy morons to me.

You don't believe in the Force, do you?

Oh, you mean that thing you just found out about,

like, three hours ago

and are now judging me for not believing in it?

What the hell?

Oh, my God, we came out of hyperspace

into an asteroid field.

Alderaan's been destroyed by the Empire.

Maybe we should head for that small moon

that's clearly a small moon and not anything else.

That's no moon.

It's a space station.

Oh, crap, they got us in a tractor beam.

Well, they're not gonna get me without a fight.

You can't win.

But there are alternatives to fighting.

Like what?

Like getting the hell out of here!

No, just kidding.

Can you imagine if I was like that?

All right, just follow my lead and act real cool.

All right, I'm gonna go knock out that tractor beam.

And we'll go rescue the princess.

You know, Luke, this may be the last time

we see each other.

So there's something I want you to know.

Now, I've had thetime of my life

And I owe it all to you

I've been waitingfor so long

Now I've finally found someone to stand by me

So we takeeach other's hand

'Cause we seem to understand the urgency

Just remember

You're the one thing

I can't get enough of

So I'll tell you something

This could be love

Because

I've had the time of my life

No, I've never felt this way before

Yes, I swear, it's the truth

And I owe it all to you

Holy smoke!

CHEWBACCA: So, what, are we on the first floor?

LUKE: Uh, we are on the second floor.

No, no, no, see, here's the Banana Republic

and we just passed that.

Um... it's right back there.

We-we, uh... we parked on the Macy's side,

so now we must be over here by the JCPenney.

Looks like the first floor is mostly men stuff,

and there's a Lady Foot Locker right over there.

Oh, all right, so we're on the third floor.

All right, let's get in the elevator.

And hurry up,

'cause the smell of that Mrs. Fields is killing me.

Where are you taking this... thing?

Prisoner transfer from cell block 1138.

You think you could get me a room by the pool?

Is funny because you are prisoner.

And there is no pool because is Death Star.

We got to find out what cell this princess of yours is in.

- There it is, 2187. - I'm on it.

Uh, everything's under control here.

Situation normal.

What happened?

We, uh, had a slight weapons malfunction,

but everything's perfectly all right.

We're fine. We're all fine...

here... now... thank you.

How are you?

I've been better.

Well, tell me what's up.

Well, I'm in this relationship

and it doesn't seem to be going anywhere.

I like her, but... we're not really connecting.

How long's it been?

About ten months.

And how often do you see each other?

Couple of times a week.

Well, why don't you try seeing each other

a little more often

and see if you connect a little more.

And if not, it may be time to move on.

Thanks for calling.

This is Han Solo,

and I'm going to be keeping you company

for the next few hours,

right here on the midnight shift.

Something's telling meit might be you

It's telling me it might be you...

Aren't you a little fat to be a stormtrooper?

Well, stay here and rot, you stuck-up bitch.

Wait. Who are you?

I'm Luke Skywalker.

Me and Han Solo and Obi-Wan are here to rescue you.

Wait, Obi-Wan Kenobi?

Yeah.

Suddenly I'm not so fat, huh?

Come on, into the garbage chute.

She's right. Come on, Chewbacca.

What, are you kidding? It's probably full of disease.

I'm not jumping in there.

Not even if I throw this pig's ear?

Oh, come on, that's not fair.

- Go get it!

Oh, boy, great idea, Princess, diving into a pile of garbage.

Hey, when we get out of here, maybe you can show me around

your home planet of Alderaan. Aw...!

Too soon?

Hey, it could be worse.

It's worse.

The walls are closing!

- Oh, my God!

Listen to them, R-2. They're dying.

What do we do?

Only one thing to do, man.

You still got that bag I gave you?

So you think the Empire's gonna fall, man?

I-I-I don't... I don't know, man.

H-How you, how you, how you, how you doing right now?

Good. Why?

I think, I think, I think I... I think I may be

having sort of a... a mini freak-out here.

- Oh. - Just-Just...

Just tell me I don't have to stay in this room.

- What? - Just-Just tell me right now that I...

that I don't have to stay in this room.

You don't have to stay in this room.

Oh, thank God.

Thank God we're saved.

Look at this.

Who throws out half a pizza?

And look at this couch.

Somebody threw out a whole couch

and it's in great shape.

Yeah, you put a little Febreze on that,

scrub it out a little bit,

it'll look great in your apartment.

You know what?

I know we have a dangerous job to do here,

but I'm taking this.

I'm taking this couch.

All right, you ready?

All right, one, two, three.

Okay.

- Easy, easy, easy. - Okay.

- All right. - Easy, easy. Whoa, whoa, whoa, stop.

- Stop, stop, stop, stop. - What? What?

- Stop, stop. No, no, no. - What?

- Twist it. - I am.

No, no, no, no, no, other way, other way.

- You're twisting the wrong way. - Which way?

- What do you want me to do? - Just look down, all right.

Just look at me, look what I'm doing.

All right, you see the way I'm twisting it?

- Yeah. - Turn it that way from your end.

- Okay. - Okay.

No, no, no, no, no.

All right, just-just, hey, just put it down.

- Put it down. Just drop it. - All right.

- All right. - All right, let's...

just hang on and figure this out.

Han, there are stormtroopers all over the place.

Shouldn't we be getting out of here?

All right, okay, all right, okay.

I got it, I know... okay.

Here's what we're gonna do.

We're gonna take the cushions off,

unscrew the legs, take the mattress out

and this whole thing is gonna be a lot simpler.

It's easier than we're making it.

Hey, did you hear something?

Probably just another drill.

You know that last drill we had?

I was about to finally bone my girlfriend,

and then we heard that there was this drill

and she told me there was no way.

So, Obi-Wan...

we meet again.

What part of "stay 50 yards away at all times"

don't you understand?

Uh-oh.

Your powers are weak, old man.

Obi-Wan!

Boy, you got here just in time.

No...!

All right, go, go, go, go, go, go, go!

All right, twist it counter-clockwise.

I am twisting it. You're twisting it the other way.

No, I mean counter-clockwise from where I'm standing

so that... so then you... so clockwise.

So, yeah, like that, yes,

yeah, so you twist it clockwise.

And okay... okay, go.

All right, you know what?

Put it down, put it down for a second.

My fingers are killing me.

Han, they're shooting at us!

All right, you know what? Lift it up tall ways.

Okay.

Aw, for cr... oh, it's wedged.

It's wedged. All right, okay, all right.

You know what? It's not going anywhere.

Let's just take off, we'll deal with it later.

All right, you get in the cockpit and I'll just...

I'll hang on to this thing as we go.

Easy.

I can't believe he's gone.

I know, Luke, but it's true.

He's gone.

I mean, you saw him get beheaded.

Nobody lives through that...

not for long, anyway.

I-I mean, sometimes the brain is still active

for a few minutes after the beheading,

but to be honest, I can't imagine

a worse kind of hell.

And unfortunately, hell is probably where he'll end up,

because the Christians

don't look too kindly on the whole Force thing.

Come on, kid, we're not out of the woods yet.

Here they come!

- Hey, Han! - What?

- Why do they call them "Tie Fighters"? - No idea!

They're coming too fast!

Oh, boy. Nickel for every time that's happened.

Just keep shooting, Luke!

Yeah-heh!

That's how we do it in my neighborhood, bitch!

I got him! I got him!

Great, kid! Don't get penis-y!

I just want to tell you both... good luck.

We're all counting on you.

Mom?

Yeah. Yeah we won.

Yeah, we won the battle.

Yeah, I'm... Yeah, I'm calling like you asked.

Okay. Okay, okay but... Okay, but I gotta go.

I got... I got other stuff to do.

O-O-Okay, okay, okay, but I gotta go.

Okay. Okay, yes.

Yes. Yes. Yes, Mom.

I-I love you too, Mom.

Okay, all right, good-bye.

P-choo. P-choo. Gotcha.

Thanks to the information in this R2 unit

provided by Princess Leia,

we should be able to mount a successful offensive

on the Death Star.

But first, please take a moment to watch

this instructional video.

Nothing but net.

Hi, I'm Magic Johnson with a few tips

on blowing up the Death Star.

First off, never forget your objective.

There are gonna be so many folks coming at you to slow you down,

you might feel like you got a bull's-eye on your head.

Naw, but they will be trying to kill you.

Also, don't forget you have teammates out there

watching your back,

unless you been messing around with their wife or girlfriend.

Naw, but they will be there to help you.

Lastly, you want to make sure you step back and take cover

after you sink that bucket,

'cause that sky gonna light up like the Fourth of July.

Naw, but there will be a large explosion.

Well, kid, I guess this is good-bye.

So, you got your reward and you're leaving. Is that it?

Well, when you say it that way,

I sound like a douche, but, yeah, that's what I'm doing.

What'd you get for a reward anyway?

Uh, let's see, I got 10% off a Netflix membership, um...

some nice Cracker Barrel cheddar,

uh, assorted lotions,

and... a little plastic champagne bottle

full of jelly beans...

and a little bear.

See? Little bear?

"Hey, Luke.

"We had fun on the Death Star."

Well, take care of yourself, Han.

I guess that's what you're best at.

Oh, look, a lightsaber cheese knife.

Mmm. Yuck.

All wings... check in.

Red three standing by.

Red six standing by.

Red five standing by.

Red Buttons standing by!

Redd Foxx standin' by!

Big Red standing by.

Red October standing by.

Helen Reddy standing by.

Simply Red standing by.

I'm going in.

Cover me, Porkins!

Uh, having a little trouble here.

Careful, Redd Foxx, there's one right on your tail!

Ah! I'm comin', Elizabeth!

OBI-WAN: Use the Force, Luke.

Obi-Wan?

Yeah, it's me.

Use the Force.

Force that thing in there.

Just like I showed you with those puppets...

but don't tell nobody 'cause you'll get in trouble.

Clark, I don't like the look of this neighborhood.

Come on, Ellen, it's important for the kids

to witness the plight of the rebellion.

Kids, you noticing all this plight?

Roll 'em up!

The Force is strong with this one.

you, you son of a bitch!

What am I, R2-Pac?

ANNOUNCER: The Death Star is getting closer.

And Leia's getting larger!

I have you now, young Skywalker!

And with today's gas prices, not a minute too soon.

What the deuce?

Yahoo!

Look at this. Look at how much more comfortable

we are now shooting stuff.

Phew!

OBI-WAN: Luke, the Force

will be with you always.

And so will I. Always.

'Course, when you get older and get some crow's feet,

I might lose interest.

The end.

Hey!

Well, Dad,

thanks for keeping us entertained.

That was a great story.

Yeah, but didn't Robot Chicken

already do this three months ago?

Well, I wouldn't worry about it, Chris.

I-I don't think people are

even aware of that show's existence.

Well, I don't know, Dad.

I think a decent number of people watch it.

Oh really? Define "decent."

I think it's the highest-rated show

on Cartoon Network,

and the Star Wars episode

doubled that audience.

Well, yeah, but double ten people

is like 20 people, so, I mean,

what kind of numbers are we talking about here, you know?

Don't be glib about this stuff, Dad.

It's a legitimate show,

and they beat you to the punch.

Uh... I-I don't know about that, Chris.

I mean, to me, a legitimate show is on ABC, CBS, NBC...

You know, one of the real networks.

I don't know about that, Dad.

And besides, what's up with that 15-minute runtime?

Wh-What is that? It's like 15 minutes

of guys playing with Star Wars dolls?

Oh, yay, yay, tune me into that.

Oh, so you do know the show.

I read part of a review online.

I am not a fan.

You know, Dad, you're a real jerk!