Original subtitles

So, you know in horror movies when the girl's like,

"Oh, my God, there's something in the basement.

"Let me just run down there in my underwear

and see what's going on in the dark."

And you're like, "What is your problem?

Call the police." And she's like, "Okay,"

but it's too late, because she's already getting murdered?

Well, uh, my story's kind of like that.

It's a surprise for Spencer.

I'm just gonna walk in, and I'm gonna

drop my coat on the ground.

He says he has this fantasy

that I'm a stripper with a heart of gold,

and he's helping me put myself through college.

He didn't say the college part, did he?

Um, no. I wanted to create a three-dimensional sex character.

Really?

What's your stripper name?

Uh, Rebecca Johnson.

Your stripper name's Rebecca Johnson?

Boobies Johnson.

Two Boobs Johnson.

Look at you, in the back of a cab, totally naked.

I am so proud of you.

Hello.

I came home early.

Jess! What...

Who's Jess?

You're talking to Tiger Boobs.

Oh...

♪ Bu-bubba-bubba-bubba ♪Uh...

♪ I'm doing sexy things ♪

♪ With a pillow ♪

Just...

♪ She's doing sexy stuff ♪

♪ To the plant right... ♪

Okay.♪ I'll pick that up ♪

♪ Later ♪

♪ Who's that girl? ♪

♪ Who's that girl...? ♪

♪ It's Jess. ♪

Oh.

That's why I need a new apartment.

I'm sorry, what was the question again?

Do you have any pets?

♪ Who's that girl? ♪♪ Who's that girl?♪

♪ Who's that girl? ♪♪ Who's that girl?♪

♪ It's Jess. ♪

You know what's funny?

When I saw your ad on Craigslist,

I thought you were women.

[laughter]We're all... that's...

Why would you think that? That's crazy.

I mean, what...

Schmidt wrote the ad.Oh, I guess,

it was something about the words you used.

It was like, uh, like, "sun-soaked" and "beige-y."

[laughter]

What are you doing?

What about these?

These look beige-y to you?

Sorry.

I'm his trainer, so, uh,

it's kind of the house

that Coach built right here.

What are we looking at here?

That's baby smooth.

This is LLS.

Ladies Love Schmidt.

What?! What did you just say?

Go put a dollar in the jar right now.

Are you serious?Yeah. Now.

Damn it.

LLS?

What is wrong with you?

This place is beautiful.

Got so much light.

Spencer hated light.

It's hard to say his name.

SCHMIDT: It's okay.

Nick knows. He got dumped.

[scoffs]: Dumped.

Yeah, I got dumped.

I can't hear you! That means we're not breaking up!

Yes, we're breaking up.

No! La-la-la-la-la!I'm breaking up with you.

I need some time away...

Yeah, I got dumped.

She dumped me.

And I'm over it.

Okay, it was six months ago, guys.

Get past it.

I don't even know why we're still talking about it.

Why's everybody looking at me?

You know what, I want to live here.

Actually, I-I still have some questions.

I mean, like, no offense, you know, but we barely know you.

Yeah, okay, yeah.

So, um, full disclosure,

I'm kind of emotional right now 'cause of the breakup,

so I'll probably be watching Dirty Dancing

at least six or seven times.

A day.

Um, I'm a teacher,

so I bring home a lot of popsicle sticks,

stuff like that.

Also, I like to sing to myself, a lot.

♪ A lot. ♪

I'm tired of living with my friend.

She's a model. All her friends are models.

Uh, how soon can you move in?

Actually, Schmidt, slow up.Not happening.

Okay, uh, could you give us a second?

I just got to... got to talk to my boys.

"My boys" is not a thing.

My bros, okay?Okay, douche bag jar.

SCHMIDT: What? You're my bros.

I'm gonna say yes.

Her friends are models.

Okay, you guys? Models.

I say no.

I need to be able to come home from work,

sit on my couch and let my beans out.

Nick, it's all you, buddy.

Well, first let me say,

I think you guys make some really interesting points,

points that I respect, but I will say this.

I have lived with a woman-- Caroline, as you guys know--

and so I know that there are pros

and I know that there are real cons, guys.

Nick, you're weak!Okay, pro:

they smell nice.

Cons:

every once in a while, the mood changes

and you're not sure why.

They'll ruin your life if you let them.

They'll break down your will to live.

Pros: they're really good at folding.

Make a decision!I'm sorry, you know.

But, like, another pro, like...

Oh, don't do it. I'm gonna.

Put it down. Don't hood me.

You guys don't know what you're talking about.

Please don't hood me.I know what I'm talking about.

Okay. Pushed him too hard.

We did push him too hard. How about this?

Executive decision. She's in.

JESS: Yay, I'm in!

You are not gonna regret this.

[Jess sobbing]

♪ The time of my life ♪

♪ No, I never felt like this before ♪

♪ Yes, I swear it's the truth ♪

What have you done, Schmidt?

[Jess blowing nose]

I got to go, Mom. No, I'm not watching Dirty Dancing.

No, I don't think so.

Hey, are you gonna murder me 'cause you're

a stranger I met on the Internet?

Yes, I am.

He says no.

No, look, I got to go. Okay.

All right, love you. Bye.

SCHMIDT: So the Wild West party's on Saturday.

I'm trying to get us in,

but you may need to call Caroline.

I'm not calling Caroline.Nick, hear me out...

Shh.

♪ Had the time of my life ♪

We are in this situation because of you.

I hate your face, Spencer...

It has been

a week of this madness.

I'm going crazy, Schmidt. I can't take it.

Know what, I got this.

♪ Now I finally found someone to stand by me... ♪

Hi, Coach.

Stop it.

Stop.

[wailing]

Schmidt.

Okay, all right.

I got us into this, I'm gonna get us out.

Jess, I'm gonna take the remote.

[turns off TV]

All right, all right.

Hey, Jess, how you doing?

Listen, what if you came out with us tonight?

You know, after work.

You know, we'll fix you up, we'll take you out,

we'll get you a rebound.

A rebound?

Yeah.

I don't know if I'm ready.

You're totally ready for it.

I'll take you through the whole thing.

You know, I'll-I'll be like your guide.

Like Gandalf through Middle-earth?

Probably not like... okay.

First of all, let's just, let's take

the Lord of the Rings references,

let's put them in a deep dark cave,

okay, where no one's gonna find them, ever.

Except Sméagol.

[whispers]: He lives in a cave.

You know what, Jess, come on.

Let's just take the head off-off the couch.

Come on.

Sit up, girl. There you go.

Look at that.

Doesn't that feel good?

There we go.

I think that sounds nice. [sniffles]

♪ She's going out to find a rebound ♪

♪ Who's that girl? It's Jess. ♪

Wait, did you just make up a theme song for yourself?

I'm-I'm gonna fix it.

NICK: I'm not calling

my ex-girlfriend to get you into a party.

This party is everything to me.

Please, Nick. We go every year.

You have no idea what I'm going through at work.

[women clamoring]I'm just trying to do my work!

I'm trying to do a good job here!

Nice tie.

Can I borrow a tampon?

[laughter]

[shudders]

Schmidt, I'm not calling her.

[shower running]Listen to me.

Knowing every year that I will be

going to the Wild Wild West Charity Auction for Poverty

reminds me that

I'm still a man,

and I can still motorboat a hot girl

who is also a member of the Cherokee Nation,

which is not racist, because it is for a good cause.

JESS: Somebody's in here.We're leaving in ten minutes.

Did you shave your legs?

I will now.

Front and backs?

Yes. Thank you.

I'm gonna kill myself now.

Just call Caroline. You call her

all the time when you're drunk.

I don't know to what you are referring.

[Cockney accent]: Hello, Caroline.

I still love you.

So much.

So... much.

I'm not calling her.

Schmidt, I know you really want to go to this party,

but wouldn't it be better

to find a girl who you really care about to motorboat?

Then maybe, if you're super lucky,

you might find a girl who'll motorboat you right back.

I don't think she knows what motorboating is.

Beers and a rosé.

Pink wine makes me slutty.

Whoa, cute guy alert.

[imitating cartoon sound effects]

SCHMIDT: Okay, Jess, game time.

Let's do this.

You want to forget about Spencer,

you're gonna have to

do some very, very bad things...

with that man right over there.

How bad?

Real bad, Jess.

Like a make out sesh, no tops?

Okay, this is what, this is what's gonna happen.

You're gonna go over there and you're gonna stand next to him

and you're gonna smile.

You're not gonna smile like that.

You look like

a hungry badger.

Stop that.

Okay, I got this, I got this.

You-you got it. Just go make it happen.

COACH: Game on! Grind it out!

SCHMIDT: Go do it!Grind it out!

[laughs]

Hey, sailor.

Oh, all right. All right.

That's okay. Maybe he didn't hear that.

You can come back from that.

You're all good.

Holy Schmidt! It's Schmidt!

Oh, it is all about the Benjamin!

That's right.What's up?!

What's up, man?All right.

P-Funk, what's up, dude?

This is Coach.

What's up, Coach?

You like parties?

[chuckles]Don't talk to me.

Yeah, okay.

You know who likes to party hard, right?

Yeah. So you coming on Saturday?

I hear there's gonna be some fine ladies there.

Ah, maybe, yeah. I heard

it's not gonna be that good this year. No?

Are you not on the list?

Man, I'm on the list.

You know that. Ah.

That sucks, man.

Keep your head up, all right?

All right, player.

Do your thing, man. It was good seeing you.

Take the sleazy, man.

All right, man. P-Funk always.

Nick, please. Why are you friends with those guys?

Nick, please get me in the party. I'm begging you. Please.

No, I'm not calling Caroline.

Do you know what a cute cowboy I am?

Do you have any idea?

Well, I guess I can't hide my crazy.

I don't think you're trying that hard.

Well, I've never really been great at this stuff, so...

♪ What if God was one of us ♪

Make it stop!

♪ Just a slob like one of us... ♪

Look at us.

Couple of losers.

We both got dumped. Geesh.

I'm fine.

Six months ago, so...

Do you know why she dumped you?

I mean, she must have hurt you pretty bad.

No, no. It made no difference to me.

I just wanted to set her trash cans on fire.

So you were always just, like,

wondering, like, "What was it?

Was there something I could have done differently?"

You know what happens to people who keep it all inside.

They get old, and they get sad, and they get weird,

and then you're the old man, and you're yelling at the kids

who are running across your yard.

And you're telling them,

"Don't run across my yard. My life's filled with regret."

You know, you can't just

pretend like it didn't happen.

Or I could pretend to be more like you,

Jess, and live on a sparkly rainbow

and drive a unicorn around, and just sing all the time.

Yeah, I think you should sing all the time.

No, I was being mean. I'm not gonna do that, Jess.

Why not? It's fun.

Because I have a penis.

♪ My name is Nick, I have a penis ♪

♪ And I'm not gonna let any feelings out. ♪

Okay, Jess, your left boob is resting

on a plate of chicken wings.

Yeah. I know.

Hey.

I'm Peter.

What are you drinking?

Oh, I'll have another pink wine.

PETER: I like your glasses.

JESS: They help me see.

[laughing]

She's doing all right, hmm?

Schmidt stain!

Hey, man, I was thinking,

it's probably better that you don't come to the party.

That means more breasts for me.

[laughs]

You better step down, son.

You're taking this whole thing too far. I'm ser...

Hold me back, Coach. I'm-I'm ser...

Hold me back. Hold me back!

Coach, would you please hold me back? No.

Schmidt, we're going to the party. Relax.

Nice. See you there, Schmitty.

Ah, totally, bro.

Yeah, I texted Caroline.

You texted Caroline?

Thank you. I love you, bro.

Yeah, there it is.

Did you just kiss my arm a little? You bet I did. It felt right.

So, I'll see you tomorrow, sailor.

Yeah, cool. Call... Cool.

What's happening tomorrow, sailor?

You know what? You guys were totally right.

I talked in short sentences, I didn't sing,

I laughed, I smiled, I said I needed rebound sex,

and it totally worked. He asked me out.

Dinner!

With food.

♪ Ooh, ooh! ♪

I'm so proud of you. You got it, girl.

You did good. Yeah, you put it diz-out!

♪ A date. ♪ Mm.

♪ It's Jess, she's on fire ♪

♪ She's on fire. ♪

[guys groan]

COACH: She's got some big ass panties.

All right, should we tell her?

I think we let her have her moment.

Do the shoes fit, Jess?

[footsteps, thudding]

JESS: I'm okay.

What, are you a model or something?

Yeah.

Yes. Mostly print right now, so...

What is it, Cece?

Cecilia?

Checilia?

Tell me, what are your hopes and dreams?

You know, are you warm? I'm a little...

[laughs] I'm a little warm right now.

Don't, Schmidt. All right.

Oh, yeah. There it is.

[inhales deeply]

Please put your shirt back on.

Please don't make me laugh at you.

Can I hit you up with some tea?

A little herb tea. Ugh.

SCHMIDT: Oh, my God.

How good is that? For real? What?

Little p-mint tea?

Yum, right?

Hot, sweet.

Little tea bag action.

And, I wasn't...

I wasn't talking about...

There it is.

Douche bag.

Listen to me, you guys.

Jess is by far the best person that I know,

so, if you guys let anything happen to her, I'm gonna

come here and crazy murder you.

I'm gonna be honest with you.

I did not hear a word that you just said,

'cause I can kind of see your party hats right now.

There you go. Jess!

SCHMIDT: Yeah, I can see the party hats for sure.

Why are you talking like this?

I fell off my heels.

Okay, all right. Now, come on.

Get up. Oh, what am I doing?

I can't go on a date. What if it's horrible?

What if I have nothing to talk about?

Then you go to the bathroom, and you call me,

and you tell me all about it.

Maybe I just shouldn't go.

Babe, you got hurt.

That doesn't mean you stop trying.

Okay?

Yeah, okay. Okay, let's go.

Come on.

[sighs]

You got to take off those overalls.

I was going for, like, a...

like, a hot farmer's daughter kind of thing.

You know, like, "Oh, I'm going to go milk my cows

with my bucket."

Take 'em off.

Okay. What am I gonna wear?

Wow!

Thanks, Coach.

[beatboxing]

And then she does that.

I'm gonna text him, tell him I'm headed over.

Wait. Have you been texting him?

Is that bad?

No. It's nice.

Have a good night.

This is gonna be great.

SCHMIDT: Coach, you don't look anything like an Indian.

Look, man, I got your back. You got to have mine, too.

Coach, I got your back.

No, Nick. I want to hear it from him.

Coach, what sort of Indian wears bike shorts?

Excuse me. Is, uh...? Caroline. I'm looking for Caroline.

We're supposed to be on some list.

Hey, Nick.

Thanks.

Sorry I'm wearing

this stupid thing.

Schmidt made me do it.

Thank you so much for getting us in.Yeah. No problem.

Maybe to pay me back, you can stop prank calling me. What?

[Cockney accent]: Uh... "Hello... Caroline.

I still loves you, I do."

Yeah, you got to figure that out.

Some crazy person's calling you.

[laughs]You look nice.

It's good to see you.

Um, I-I think I'm almost finished out here if you...

Do you want to go grab a drink?

Yeah. Yeah?

Sure. Yeah. Let's

you and I just get a drink.Let's get a drink.

Just be normal about it. Okay.

Actually, hold on. I'm sorry.

I just... I have to ask you something

so that one day I'm not an old man filled with regret.

But why did you dump me?

Um... Do... Okay.

Are we doing this here, like, now?

Yeah.

Why did you dump me?

Um... honestly,

I... I didn't even realize

that you cared about me until we broke up.

Okay.

Let's get that drink.

BENJAMIN: Get along, little doggy.

Well, howdy there, muchachos.

NICK: Hey,

where's Jess?

Oh, dude, she texted me seven times.

Like, long ones. I just wanted to hook up.

So, is she waiting for you to show up, or did you call her?

Yeah, that's what I did. I called her.

[laughter]

See you inside, Schmidt.

CAROLINE: Nick?

Want to get that drink?

No. I got to go help a friend, Caroline.

No, no, no, no, no. Guys, this is

the party of the year, you guys.

This is our night. This is our night!

I'm going with Nick, man. You coming?

I thought you guys were my boys!

"My boys" is not a thing, Schmidt. Stop.

COACH: We're coming, Jess!

Oh!

Do you have anything else that is free,

but also has bread in it?

Because the-the... the, like, good bread I ate, and the...

All that's left is, like, a...

It's, like... it's kind of like a health bread.

I'm sorry.

We're going to have to ask you to give up the table.

Um, can I please just stay just a little bit longer?

NICK: We're here.

Yup.

We're here, Jess. We're here.

We're here for the date.

Date thing.Phew.

You're all on a date?

NICK: Yeah.

We, uh... we're her boyfriends.

We are reverse Mormons.

One man just isn't enough for her. Okay.

Hey, Jess, that guy was a jerk.

Yeah. He was a clown.

You guys missed your party to come here and... see me?

Yeah. We, uh... we care about you.

We like you.

[crying]: That's so nice.

What is that?Don't start crying.

Come on.

It's cool. It's very, very cool.

NICK: Come on, Jess. Come on.

Please? Stop it!

Coach. All right.

It's okay. Hey.

Don't cry.

♪ For I've had ♪

♪ The time of my life ♪

COACH: What is he doing?

♪ And I've never felt this way before ♪

♪ Yes, it's true ♪

♪ Nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, and something ♪

♪ Something, something... ♪

♪ Oh, those bears in my house ♪

♪ And it's the song that makes you really, really happy ♪

I'm not, uh, I'm not participating in this.

♪ Just remember you're the one thing ♪

[grunts]♪ I can't get enough of ♪

[laughs]

[all singing different lyrics]

[all singing]

♪ I've had ♪

♪ The time of my life ♪

♪ And I owe it all to you ♪

Come on, what time is it?

♪ The time of my life... ♪

Hey![Coach sings high note]

It was nice.

You have to leave now, all of you.

♪ I've had ♪

♪ The time of my life ♪

[indistinct chatter and singing]

♪ And I never felt this way before ♪

♪ I swear it's the truth, and I... ♪

Seriously, thank you guys so much for tonight.

That was really cool.

♪ For I've had the time of my life... ♪

SCHMIDT: Listen, Jess,

I just want you to know that, I mean,

for me at least that no matter what,

I would still totally do you.

Oh, that's so sweet.

Yeah. Absolutely.

Jar. Yeah. Jar.