Original subtitles

Oh, Charlie, I'm on time, right?

Wrong. You know what I did today? I looked at furniture, at couches that

turn into beds, and chairs that turn into beds, and lamps that turn into

beds, and then, you know, I went to look at wedding rings.

And then look for my trousseau.

And you know, Charlie, that's not all I did today. I went to the bank, you know,

and I took every last cent I owned, all $427.

So now we can put a down payment on something.

Oh, Charlie, it's such a great world, isn't it?

Today I feel New York is really my personal property.

Right down Broadway to City Hall.

Every supermarket, every five and ten, all of Lincoln Center and the great U.N.

They're all my personal property.

The zoo in Central Park is merely my private menagerie. I've carved my

name on every tree.

From Yonkers Raceway to Bowling Green, I own everything around and in between.

It's all...

personal property the planetarium is mine

alone the old aquarium i also own

and since i've been today new york is really my personal property i'll

tell you what i'm gonna do since i like you very much

so very very

Charlie, you know, this is my own personal private wishing well.

Hey, let's make a wish and then throw something in after for lunch.

Since I like you very much, so very, very much.

Walter, there's a girl in there drowning. Don't look, dear. But

Walter... Don't look, I tell you. Don't get involved. It's none of our business.

She looks dead.

Doesn't she look dead to you?

I don't know. I've never seen her before.

Oh,

my God!

I'm in Australia!

Put me down!

Put me down!

Oh, what do you think you're doing?

Go away! Don't look at me! Don't look at me! Take it easy, honey. You're almost

drowned. Charlie, where's Charlie? I bet she tried to knock herself off.

Apparently over a fellow named Charlie.

Let's move it. Come on, break it up.

Charlie, why didn't you do it, Charlie?

Move out of the way. The applicator's all over you. Hey, be careful. She's a

crazy lady. Let's go now. Come on, let's go now.

Hey, you all right, miss?

I'm fine.

I'm just fine.

Just put it down in your book. The crazy drowned lady feels fine.

All right, miss.

You care to tell us what happened?

Hey, Monty, look for her other shoe, will you?

Yeah, Monty, look for her other shoe.

What's it look like?

It looks like that one.

What's it look like? All right, miss, what's your name?

Charity.

Charity Hope Valentine.

Charity Hope Valentine?

Just write it.

Here it is. I got it.

Address?

615 West 44th Street.

Occupation? Social consultant.

Where? The fandangled ballroom.

Dance hall hostess.

Oh, you mean you work in one of those tango palaces?

It's temporary.

Length of employment?

Eight years.

Suppose you tell me what you were doing in the water.

Oh, well, my fiancé Charlie.

Well, he's not exactly my fiancé, exactly, but we are engaged to be wed

the minute his own marriage breaks up.

Anyway, we had this rendezvous to meet in the park, and...

I was just about ready to make a wish by throwing in this penny, when, I don't

know, I guess I must have slipped or something, because I lost my balance.

Anyway, naturally, he made a grab for me, and all he caught was my handbag,

and I fell in. That's what happened.

Yeah. Uh-huh. Sure.

Right. Where's my hand spray?

Well, see, he couldn't jump in after me because of his bad back, you know.

Anyway, so he ran off to get help.

Where'd he go? The Coast Guard station in Norfolk, Virginia?

Come on. Honey, didn't you leave one tiny little detail out of that story?

Like what?

Like there ain't one word of truth in it?

Hello, men.

Hey, Nicky, did you hear about Chatterton or a boyfriend?

You're gonna get married.

Oh, all the luck in the world, baby.

He stole her money and pushed her in the leg.

He wasn't for you.

Excuse me, ladies.

Prince Philip just walked in.

So park the gun behind your ears and drag it out on the floor.

Doesn't he ever knock? It's a good thing we're decent.

He's gonna call.

Who?

Charlie, he's gonna call any minute. He's gonna call and he's gonna have a

very perfectly logical explanation for the whole thing.

What did I tell you?

Charlie!

You know what your big problem is?

You run your heart like a hotel.

You got guys checking in and out all the time.

You always get stuck with the bill. This time it's different. He loves me.

I mean, when somebody has their name tattooed on your arm so it'll be there

forever, does that sound like the sort of fella who's gonna push you in the

lake for 427 measly bucks?

Yeah. Uh-huh. Sure. Right.

Where's my hairspray?

Forget him, baby. We got a living to make.

If you call this a living.

He's gonna call. You'll see.

Sure.

Since I like you very much.

So very, very much.

Charlie.

Hey, mister, can I talk to you for a minute? Got a cigarette for me, mister,

huh? Hey, mister, do you speak Spanish? Hey, tiger, you want to dance? A little

dance won't hurt you. Come here, cowboy, I want to tell you something.

Oh,

you're so tall.

Let's have some fun.

The

minute

you walked in the joint.

I could see you were a man of distinction.

A real big spender.

Good looking, so refined.

Say, wouldn't you like to know what's going on in my mind? So let me get right

to the point.

I don't pop my cork for every guy I see.

Do you wanna have fun?

How's about a few laughs?

I can show you a good time.

How's about a few fun laughs, fun laughs, fun laughs, fun laughs,

fun laughs, good time, fun laughs, good time, fun laughs, good

time, fun laughs, good time.

What do you say to that?

How's about laughs?

i could give you some are you ready for some fun how would you like uh let me

show you a good time a big spender

the

minute you walked in the joint

i could see you were a man of distinction a real

big spender good looking so refined you

say wouldn't you like to know what's going on in my mind so let me get right

to the point i don't pop my cork for every guy

i see

Face it, honey. Charlie the pusher ain't coming anymore.

What's the matter with me?

What am I?

Oh, boy, am I stupid.

Boy, am I a pushover. No, not a pushover, exactly. It's just that you're

too... Well, I don't know. You just keep on... Yeah, you're a pushover.

If he stole your purse, why don't you call the cops? They can always pick him

up. Oh, girl, do you know how many guys are running around this city carrying

pocketbooks? Why'd he do it?

Everything he ever wanted, I bought him. $11 shirt, $79 Italian silk suits.

What did I do wrong?

I didn't even get up in the middle of the night and find those meatball

sandwiches. I really love those meatball sandwiches.

I have had it up to here with that creep.

Now you're talking.

He can go slip and slide his greasy head on somebody else's shoulder.

I'm finished.

I'm through. Do you hear me?

I'm tired of buying him pointed shoes.

I'm sorry.

Ursula, stop acting like a child.

Vittorio Vitale.

Hey, that's Vittorio Vitale, the Italian movie star.

Ursula, I can explain everything. Don't touch me. We're through.

I hate you. Do you hear me? I hate you. She really knows him.

Ursula, I merely said hello to that girl. Hello.

That's all.

I do not want to discuss it. You can't walk out on me like this.

I can, but just watch me. Just watch me. Watch? Watch? You're not watching.

Where's my taxi?

Daddy!

Daddy!

You are coming back inside.

I am not. Oh, yes, you are.

No, I am not. Yes, you are.

Ow!

Ursula! Ursula!

Ursula!

Oh, scusi signorina, scusi. My pleasure.

Are you busy tonight?

Hey, he wants to know if you're busy tonight.

No, you.

Yes, you.

Me? Are you busy tonight?

What time?

Right now.

Yeah, right now is very good for me.

Get in.

I'm with him.

Oh, that girl.

She's driving me crazy.

Those wild fits of jealousy. I can't stand it any longer. She's impossible.

That was my first impression.

Childish, neurotic, selfish.

That was my second impression.

Well, it's finished.

She's just not worth it.

Well, on the other hand, you know she's not so bad in the looks department.

Ah, yes, yes, you're right. She is very beautiful. Well, I mean, if you go for

that sort of thing. No, you are right.

You are absolutely right. She is gorgeous.

I think I just screwed myself up.

I'm with him.

Who's that with Vittorio? She doesn't look familiar.

Who could she be? What happened to Ursula?

Who is it? Who is it? Who is it? Who is it? Who is it? Who is it? Who is it? Who

is it?

It's me.

Wow. This place sure is crawling with celebrities.

I'm the only person here I never heard of.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah

Yeah,

yeah, yeah,

yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah

Excuse me, Senor Vitale.

There is a phone call.

It's Ursula.

Look how she knows me.

No matter where I go, she knows how to find me.

Well, I know her, too. She'll cry and plead with me to come to her apartment.

What should I do?

Be magnanimous and forgive her, or be aloof?

Aloof sounds good. You think so?

The aloofer, the better.

I am not here.

Oh, I really feel great.

I could eat a horse. I was only kidding.

Now we dance.

Yeah, I wasn't hungry anyway.

So sorry, really, I am. It's all right. It's all right.

Where are we? My place.

Come on.

Your place?

Just a second. Get in the car. Get out of the car. Go here. Go there. Your

place. You think you can just... Your place and... Anytime you feel like it,

huh? Coming?

Yeah.

Good evening, sir.

I'm with him.

Oh.

Thank you.

Were there any calls, Manfred?

None, sir. No calls?

None, sir. Are you sure?

Positive, sir.

Well, if there are any, I am not in.

Yes, sir.

And bring us a cold supper.

Very good, sir.

What did you say your name was?

Charity. Charity Hope Valentine.

Do you like Brahms?

Huh?

The music.

Oh. Oh, yeah.

It's got a great beat.

Leave it.

Well, it'll get all... Leave it!

Sit down.

Talk to me. Tell me what you do.

Oh... That'd just be a waste of time. Why?

Because I'd lie.

Why should you lie?

Because I really want to make an impression on you, and if I told you the

truth, what I really did, you wouldn't be impressed.

Let me be the judge of that.

What do you do?

Um... What?

I'm a dance hall hostess.

Oh.

There, you see, you should have let me lie.

I was going to be an assistant dental technician.

Well, that doesn't sound very impressive.

It does to a dance hall hostess.

Champagne?

I don't mind if I do.

Why did you ever take a job like that?

I don't know.

Pickle finger of fate, I guess.

What? Pickle finger of fate.

Don't you know what that means?

Yes, I think so.

Well, I don't.

Not really.

But see, these things always seem to happen to me. And I never know why or

how. And people are always coming up to me asking, why did you take up with that

guy? Or how come you wound up in that joint?

And I always felt so dumb saying, I don't know.

But it was the truth, I don't.

I guess you're supposed to know why you do things and how come you wind up

places.

Anyway, now whenever anybody says why or how to me, I just say, fickle finger of

fate, and then I don't feel so dumb.

I think you just like saying it.

I think you're right.

Fickle finger of fate. There you see.

Fickle finger of fate.

Fickle finger of fate. Fickle finger of fate. Fickle finger of fate. Fickle

finger of fate.

You want to try?

Oh, it feels good, really, it does. It cools the mouth.

Oh, try it just once. Fickle finger of fate. Say it. Just once.

All right.

Fickle finger of fate.

That's very nice. It does cool the mouth.

Oh, I got lots of phrases I like to say.

Like if some Weisenheimer down at the Fandango says something dirty to me

sometime or something fresh and I can't think fast enough to answer, I like to

say, up yours.

You do?

Oh, yeah, that really works. It fits just about any situation.

But I wouldn't say it to anyone as refined as yourself.

Look, I can say fickle finger of fate, can't I? You certainly can.

You have a nice laugh.

You have a nice everything.

Why shall we drink, too?

Huh? Oh, I know, I know.

To the fickle finger of fate. Bottoms up. Up yours.

It just slipped out.

You're marvelous.

Really marvelous.

Are you?

Wow.

That is really something coming from the Vittorio Vitale.

What makes you think the Vittorio Vitale is anything special?

Are you kidding? Haven't you ever seen you in the movies? I like to think I

have better taste than that.

Oh, you don't know what you're missing.

Remember the one you did with that Italian actress, Monica Monicelli?

Monica Monicelli? Yeah.

Passion in Palermo, I think it was called. And there was this scene. She

was crying, and you bent down, and you kissed every single one of her fingers

from her pinky to her thumb. You remember that?

Fortunately, no.

Oh, boy. I remember it. I'll never forget it.

And then you said, without love, life has no purpose.

The things I say for money.

Did that ever hit home?

Did you get me where I live?

I sat through the whole film in six marshmallow bars just to hear that one

line again.

Without love, life has no purpose.

Is that what you believe?

Sure, doesn't everybody?

No, not everybody.

Tell me, why do you believe in love?

Everybody's got to have some religion, don't they? And so your religion is

love?

Well, I'll tell you one thing, I sure go to church a lot.

You know, I see you sitting here with my own eyes, but I find it hard to believe

that you really exist.

Yes. No, no, thank you, Manfred. I'll take care of it myself. Good night.

Our supper.

May I fix your plate?

What's the matter?

Don't ever believe it.

Believe what?

That I'm here in Vittorio Vitale's bedroom drinking champagne and he's

serving me dinner.

Who won't believe it? My girlfriends.

What can we do about it?

Do you think... What?

That... Yes?

Could I have a personally autographed picture?

you can have me in profile or full face with mustache clean shaven smiling

or sexy i would take that clean shaven full-faced and sexy

for charity for charity um

who was with me tonight in my apartment

alone

I swear it.

Vittorio... Yes, yes, I know the rest.

Ecola.

You're even right, great.

Oh, what a night for me.

Tomorrow you're moving right into my locker. And every time I open the door,

Pa...

They're gonna think this is a forgery.

Where you going?

Wait for me.

I'll be right back.

Don't go away.

Hurricane Hazel could strike. I'm not moving.

If they could see me now, that little gang of mine.

I'm eating fancy chow and drinking fancy wine. I'd like those stumble bums to see

for a fact. The kind of top drawer first rate chums I attract.

All I can say is wow, we look at where I am. Tonight I landed pow, right in a

pot of jam.

What a...

They'd never believe it.

They'd never believe it.

They'd never believe it.

They'd never believe it.

They'd never believe it.

They'd never believe it.

They'd never believe it. Do you think this will do? I used it

in my first film.

It's a hat.

Eccola. You see? My initials.

It is yours.

Now wait.

There's more.

If they could see me now, my little dusty group,

traipsin' round this million-dollar chicken coop, I'd hear those thrift shop

cats say, Brother, get her draped on a bedspread made from three kinds of fur.

All I can say is, wow, wait till the riff and raff see just exactly how he

signed his autograph.

What a buildup!

Hi. Ciao.

Boy, this is some terrific mattress.

My initials.

This also is for you. Oh, I couldn't. You must.

Oh, I really, I can't. I insist.

I'll take it.

I'll go see if there's anything else.

If they could see me now alone with Mr. V.

He was waiting on me like he was a maitre d'. I hear my buddy saying crazy

what gives. Tonight she's living like the other half lives. To think the

highest brow, which I must say is he, should pick the lowest brow, which

there's no doubt is me.

Thank you.

It never been late.

This is some terrific floor.

Miss Charity Hope Valentine, since I could find nothing else in all of my

possessions that could truly express my warm feelings for you, for what you have

done tonight, for what you have given me, I ask you, please.

To accept this.

Oh, wow.

I accept.

And may I just say that I never received such a gift in such a gorgeous package.

Mr. Vitale, you've been so terrific to me.

I think that this is... This is the best time I ever spent in my whole life.

No, no, no, no, please.

Suppose you eat your supper, huh?

Pronto.

Well, tell her I'm asleep.

No, tell her I'm dead.

Well, tell her... What?

Lock the door. Lock the door.

It's Ursula.

She's here.

What should I do?

What should I do?

You want my opinion. We don't really need her.

And in my opinion, we don't really need her.

Vittorio!

Vittorio, I know you're in there. Let me in.

Oh, Ursula, go away.

Vittorio, please.

No.

Yes, you're right.

In here.

I'll get rid of her as soon as I can.

In a second.

Dario, let me in. Don't treat me this way.

I almost forgot.

If you get a chance, I'd love a cold beer.

Open this door.

Oh, Victoria, what took you so long? What's going on in here?

Oh, is that why you came back? To accuse me again, huh?

You have someone else in here.

Oh, very well. I picked up a girl off the street, and she's hiding in the

closet. I don't believe you.

Well, look for yourself.

All right, I will.

What's the matter with me?

You wouldn't stoop so low as to hide another woman in the closet.

Oh, I don't know what comes over me.

The thought of you with another woman just drives me insane.

Why do I torture myself this way?

Why?

Why? Why?

I know you really care.

I'd give you anything.

I care, Camille.

Of course I care.

Why can't we discuss this in the morning?

Do you care, Vittorio? Do you really care?

Of course I care.

Of course I care.

Really? Really.

You know, Ursula, I don't understand why we torture each other this way.

Oh, because I'm a fool.

Jealous fool.

How could I have been so foolish as to believe you bring home some... Cheap

little nothing.

Without you, there is no love.

And without love, life has no

purpose.

talk about your foreign movies

Look, sheets.

Must have cost a fortune.

Thank you very much for everything.

I am sorry the way things turned out.

It's hard to figure, you know.

Why do you say that?

Because you're you and not me.

For the taxi.

No, you've given me enough already, really.

Well, first we go to this ritzy place where we end up dancing together.

Oh, he is some terrific dancer.

Then we go back to his fashionable east side apartment.

Except it was a whole entire house with so many rooms you needed a compass to

find your way around.

Then we just sort of sat around sipping champagne and talking about life and

things, you know.

Oh, boy, it was some terrific night.

So... Come six o'clock in the morning, guess what he wants to do then? Send me

home in his own personal private limousine. But I say to him, Vittorio,

honey, forget it. I enjoy walking when the sun's coming up.

But to tell you the truth, I didn't actually walk. I mean, I flew all the

way home. My feet never once touched the ground. Yeah, well, you keep on smoking

them funny little cigarettes, you're bound to do a little flying.

I knew it. I knew you wouldn't believe I spent the entire evening with Vittorio

Vitale. You swear.

I swear. On your mother's life? On my mother's life. Hey, Wanda, call up and

see how her mother is.

All right. Look.

Look. What he gave me.

And look what else.

His cane.

And his hat.

Mementos of our evening together.

Oh, oh, oh, his hat.

Gorgeous.

believe it oh honey if i was you i'd pass this hat and beat myself to death

with the cane because you are dumb you don't even know what happened forget it

baby what you do in bed is your business you see i wasn't even in bed i was in

the closet to each

his own

you could have got was a mink coat.

Oh, what's he going to get a mink coat for?

If you're going to mess with the details, you ain't going to get no

results. I had and I came. If it was me, I'd have walked out of there with my own

beauty parlor. Now you'll never get out of here. It was your big chance, baby,

and you blew it. Now you're stuck. Stuck like the rest of us. And it ain't no use

flapping your wings because we are caught in the fly paper of life.

Not me.

What'd you say?

Not me.

What chance have we got in a miserable joint like this?

I mean, just look at it. Don't look at me. I was always like this. What's the

matter with us? Nothing.

If you happen to like a lot of beat-up bras nobody cares about, well, not me.

I'm not going to spend the next 40 years of my life in the Fandango ballroom.

I am not going to become the world's first little old gray-haired taxi

dancer.

I am getting out.

Out?

What a nice word.

There's gotta be something better than this.

There's gotta be something better to do.

And when I find me something better to do, I'm gonna get up, I'm gonna get out,

I'm gonna get up, get out and do it.

There's gotta be some respectable trade.

There's gotta be something...

Easy to learn And when I find me Something I ever can learn I'm gonna get

up, I'm gonna get out I'm gonna get up, get out and learn it All these jokers

How I hate them With their groping, grabbing Crutching, clenching

Strangling, handling Prumbling, pinching

There's got to be some life cleaner than this.

There's got to be some good reason to live.

And when I find me some kind of life I can live, I'm going to get up, I'm going

to get out, I'm going to get up, get out and live it.

I got it.

I have got it. What? I am going to be a receptionist in one of those glass

skyscrapers, nine to five, my own typewriter, and water coolers, and

office parties.

When I sit at my desk on the 41st floor In my copy of a copy of a copy of

Dior I'll receive big tycoons and I'll point to a chair I'll say, honey, while

you're waiting How would you like to put it down over there?

There's gotta be something better than this There's gotta be something better

to do And when I find me something better to do I'm gonna get up, I'm gonna

get out, I'm gonna get up, get out and do it!

You know, a tray full of cigarettes costing 60 cents a pack and keep the

change. And all those hats coming in.

Derbies.

Homburgs. Ooh, and that cute little checkered number with the skinny brim

and the feather.

Check your hat, sir. Check your coat, sir. Check your vest, sir. Check your

pants. Check your socks, sir. Check your shoes, sir. I can hold them while you

dance. Check your eyes, sir. Check your ears, sir. Check and see if...

how about it after hours i'll check you and you check

me

me

too me too i'm gonna get out too but baby what can you do i don't know i'll

just get me out of here and i'll figure it out later there's gotta be some life

cleaner than this There's gotta be some good reason to live.

And when I find me some kind of life, I can

live.

I'm gonna get up! I'm gonna get up! I'm gonna get up! Get up!

Yeah.

La, la, la, la, la, la, la.

La, la, la, la, la, la, la.

They have just announced the winners of the Irish sweepstakes. And since none of

you lovely creatures is among the winners, get your keisters back inside.

Hey, Herman, in the first place, watch your language. There's ladies present.

And in the second place, we're not so sure we're coming back.

I can always find somebody else. That's the third place. I'm coming, Herman.

But, Nicky, what about all those plans we just made?

Oh, I've got it, Mr. Carmichael. A stenotypist with a guarantee of nine

paid holidays, cost of living escalation, and free maternity care.

Okay, Mr. Carmichael. First stenotypist that walks in, you've got her.

Goodbye, Mr. Carmichael.

Now, Miss Valentine, what can we do for you?

I want a job. A nice job.

Of course you do. What nice job would you like? And don't say mine, because

it's already taken.

Well, something in an office.

Good. You type, of course.

No. Take shorthand. No.

Operate calculators.

No. Keep books.

No. File.

Run a switchboard?

Speak a foreign language?

No.

Um... No.

Ask me some more questions.

Look, Miss Valentine.

How about, um... a stenotypist?

Oh. Are you a stenotypist?

Well, not at the moment.

But you do stand at art.

Maybe. Uh-huh. But what do you mean?

What is it?

Um... Where did you go to school?

Public Elementary School, number 84.

I mean, after that.

After what?

This isn't going too good, is it?

Have you ever had any formal training in any field whatsoever?

Well, nothing that comes to mind.

Well, then what do you expect me to do?

I told you, find me a nice job.

But you can't do anything.

Well, but I must be able to do something.

Well, I mean, everybody knows how to do something.

Don't they?

I used to think so.

Look, Miss, uh... Valentine.

Oh, please, Mr. Nicholsby, you've got to find me something.

I don't want to go back to that place where I'm working, you know? I mean, I

want a nice job where I can meet some nice people.

I want very much to change my life.

I'll work hard, I'll work awful hard, and I'll learn quick.

Find me something, Mr. Nicholsby, please.

Oh, is this a gag?

I'm right, Arnold.

It is a game.

Those guys down the hall put you up to it.

Like the time they sent over a guy that studded for a radio announcer's job.

They should know by now I can spot them.

You can tell them you really had me going.

It took you a while, didn't it?

Well, you're a very good sport, Mr. Nicklesby.

Listen, you're pretty good yourself.

Well, I gotta do it now.

I have a job, you know.

I got a swell job.

I was just helping him out.

That stuff about public elementary school number 84, that was perfect.

Yeah, it was good.

Miss?

Are you going down, miss?

Miss, I'm afraid I'm going to be awfully late.

I didn't mean to rush you. I hope it wasn't rude.

But I have an appointment, and if I'm late, they'll blow a fuse.

What was that?

We stopped.

Oh, I'd have to say that.

About blowing out a fuse.

What a dumb thing to say.

Press the button over there. It'll get started again.

We're stuck.

Yeah.

Oh, boy.

Kind of stuffy in here.

Isn't that kind of stuffy?

Maximum weight in pounds, 3,500. What do you weigh?

128. Yeah, we're all right.

Of course we are. Yeah, we're fine. We're fine.

we're just stuck in the little old elevator

hey are you okay really

who me yeah oh yes i'm fine i have to get used to it that's all because this

is this is the first time i've ever been trapped in an elevator trap trap trap

That thing, you know, where you're scared of small, tight places.

Oh, the claustrophobia? Yeah.

No, no, nothing like that.

Claustrophobia? No, no, no, no, no.

No, I just can't stand small, tight places.

But I can handle this all right, because I know we'll get out of here in a couple

of minutes.

Oh, sure we will. Do you really think so?

Of course I think so.

But if you thought we were really trapped in here, what would you say?

We're not really trapped.

Yeah, well, I know, but if you thought we were, what would you say?

Did I say? We're really trapped.

Oh, my God, I knew it! I knew it! Dear, you shouldn't get so excited.

Yeah.

Look, isn't this awful?

I never act this way, really. I'm a very calm, organized person.

I want you to know that if it really comes down to it, you can depend on me.

I mean, you understand that.

Yeah, I just hope it doesn't come down to it.

Maybe I should yell for help.

Why not?

Help!

Help!

My name is Charity Hope Valentine and... Hey, you're shaking!

All over.

You know what I feel like doing now?

I mean, you know what my impulse is?

To take off all my clothes.

I don't think that would do very much good.

You'd think they'd have a telephone in here, wouldn't you? Never again.

Never going to an elevator again without checking for a phone. Always check for a

phone.

Oh!

Listen, I have an idea. What do you think of this?

climbing out the top of the elevator, shimmying up the cable, and then forcing

the door open on the floor above.

Well, it might work, but gee, I do think it sounds a little dangerous.

Then don't try it. Stay here with me.

Hey, come on down there. We don't think it's funny anymore.

If I could just get out for a few minutes, just a few minutes outside, and

then I'd be all right.

Then I'd come back inside.

Listen, I really think the best thing to do is keep talking about something else.

Then you won't think about it, okay? What's your name?

Your name. What's your name?

Don't you have a name? I don't think so.

Well, sure you have a name. Everybody's got a name. Bruce, Howard, Richard,

Kenny. Oscar.

My name is Oscar Lindquist. Oscar Lindquist?

No, no, no. Let's keep our clothes on, Oscar.

Now, where do you live?

Who? Oscar Lindquist. Where do you live, Oscar Lindquist? Keep talking. Where do

you live?

I've got to stop breathing so much I'm going to use up all the air.

Keep talking, Oscar. Keep talking.

That's not fair. You should breathe some of the air.

I can breathe. I can breathe. Now, listen. Where do you work? The Excelsior

Life Insurance Company. Your life is our business. I'm an actuary.

What's an actuary?

I figure out premiums based on the probabilities. Come on, Oscar. Now,

what's a probability?

The odds.

The odds on what? Keep talking.

Suppose you wanted a policy.

Yes, I want a policy. Go on. It's my job to study your particular situation.

Yes. and then figure out the odds on your meeting with an unfortunate

accident like...

suffocating in

an elevator.

Oscar! Mr. Lindquist!

Are you all right?

This is really my lucky day.

Of all the millions of guys in this town, I wind up with a candidate for the

funny firm.

Not too bad looking, though.

For a food cake.

It's a nice face.

This place is gold.

It's a very nice face.

With a place for every feature.

Every feature in its place.

Not a commonplace face His eyes

blue His chins stubborn

and strong His ears, they're

ordinary ears His nose, a

little long

It's a gentle face.

A little square.

A little corny.

It's a sentimental face.

If he'd smile,

he'd look like so.

When he's mad, he'd look like so.

Don't make this a federal case.

It's just another pretty face But you know

It's a very very

Very nice

face Where am I

do you remember where you were before no Are you still there? My God, don't leave

me. I won't leave you, Oscar.

I won't leave you. I promise I'll stay right here in this elevator with you and

everything's going to be just fine.

What happened?

I think the lights went out.

Oh, boy.

Help! Help!

Oscar! Oscar!

The lights are on! Push the button! Push the button!

It's moving!

It's moving!

It's moving!

It's moving!

Of course your big

problem is panic.

78% of your...

common household accidents could be avoided by calm, clear-headed thinking.

No.

See you around.

No.

Uh, miss?

Miss? What? Uh,

do, do, uh, suppose that we...

Well, you know, you think that maybe that... that I don't suppose that we

could... I know you're trying to ask me for something, but you've got to give me

a little bigger hint.

Well, can I see you this Sunday?

Aren't you late for work or something?

Well, I was supposed to go to group analysis, but I guess I missed it.

You going to be all right?

Oh, yes.

It was my last session this week anyway.

I'm finished.

Good. What was your problem?

Well... One of my problems was that I was painfully shy.

And now you're cured?

No, I never had the nerve to bring it up, so I quit.

I guess you're busy, Sunday.

Look, can I ask you a personal question?

You're not otherwise affiliated, are you?

Like a wife?

Oh, no.

No, no, no. Nothing like that.

Are you busy Sunday?

No. Oh, well, uh, where do you live?

Maybe you prefer to meet me somewhere. Are you familiar with that little bridge

in Central Park?

Yeah, well, maybe we better forget the whole thing.

Please?

Two o'clock Sunday?

If you're not there, I'll understand.

I'll be there anyway.

I've got nothing else to do.

I must be out of my head. What am I doing here?

Charity!

I'm glad you could make it.

I thought after what happened in the elevator, you might think I was, well,

you know, some kind of a nut.

Oh!

I almost forgot.

Here.

I grow them myself in my apartment.

Do you mind if we get off this bridge?

Oh, sure, sure. Listen, I've made all kinds of plans for today.

Uh-huh. Here it comes. I must have left my wallet in my other pants routine.

Forget it, Charlie. You ain't getting a nickel out of me.

Do you like modern art?

I have several really fine reproductions at home.

Do you know where I'd like to take you now?

Yeah, to your place to look at your reproductions.

Boy, if Nikki and Elaine could see me now.

Who are Nikki and Elaine?

Two. Two of the girls I work with.

Oh, you know, I've been so busy talking, I haven't given you a chance to say

anything. Where do you work?

Well... No, no, wait, wait. Let me guess, because usually I can just look

at a person and tell you right off what they do. Now, I'd say you definitely

work in a bank.

Am I right? Did I get it?

Well, you see, it's kind of a sixth sense.

Which bank?

You familiar with Brooklyn?

No. It's in Brooklyn.

You want to stick a gum?

No, thank you.

See, I...

You're

working

in a bank.

It can be very dangerous.

In the greater New York area, the odds are 1 in 75 that you will be held up at

least once in any 12-month period.

Listen, just living is dangerous, right?

May I see you home? Where do you live in Brooklyn?

Oh, it's way far out.

Then it's late. You've got to get up early.

I'll be okay.

Listen.

May I see you tomorrow?

Maybe we could go to a movie.

Okay, but one with a happy ending.

I'm nuts about happy endings.

Good.

I'll pick you up at 5 o'clock in front of the bank, okay?

Not yet, Mike. How about we meet at the bridge?

Good night.

Good night.

Oh, look, I...

Well, I want you to know I had a very nice time.

Being with you, I mean. So do I, Oscar.

A very nice time.

I had a very nice time, too.

Well.

Well.

You're a lovely girl, Charity.

Sweet Charity.

Gee, for a weirdo, he's very nice.

I just live around the corner.

Sweet charity.

Sweet... Charity?

Sweet Charity.

Hey, Mickey, Elaine, guess what happened?

Something every girl in the ballroom dreams about.

You've been drafted.

No, I met a man.

A nice man. Here it is, folks, the 11 o'clock news. We listen to it every

night. Can you imagine?

I spent the whole afternoon with him, and he never once tried any funny

business. Not once.

All he did was kiss my hand.

Hey, that's not making a pass, is it?

No. Is it, Lynn?

What? If a guy kisses your hand, would you classify that as a pass?

Depends. On what?

On where your hand is when he kisses it.

Hey, where was your hand?

On the end of my arm.

Okay, so besides slobbering all over your knuckles, what else does he do?

He's a reactionary.

A what?

He figures out odds.

A horse player. No, for an insurance company.

And he also grows flowers.

Sounds like a goofball.

He is not a goofball. What does the goofball think of your profession?

Have you told him you're in the rent-a-body business?

Well, it just so happens that he doesn't think anything of it.

She ain't told him. Look, in the first place, he is very highly educated, and a

little thing like that wouldn't bother him. And in the second place, he already

knows.

You told him? Yeah. You mean you really told him? Yeah, I told him. I told him.

When? Tomorrow. That's when I told him.

You

like

peanuts?

Yeah. For our anniversary.

Huh? It's exactly two weeks since we were trapped together between the ninth

and tenth floor.

Boy, what a two weeks this has been to. You know, we've been to six movies, four

museums, a lecture on air pollution, and a pet show.

I'd like to do something different tonight.

You want to rob a supermarket?

Would you like to go to church?

To church?

It's the Rhythm of Life Tabernacle. It started out as a jazz group in San

Francisco, and it turned into a religion.

Baby like let there be light

The title of the sermon tonight will be, we have beat our swords in the

plowshares and the beat goes on.

Daddy started out in San Francisco, tootin' on his trumpet loud and mean.

Suddenly a voice said, go for it, Daddy, spread the picture on a wide screen.

And the voice said, Daddy, there's a million pigeons waitin' to be hooked on

new religion.

Hit the road, daddy, leave your common law wife. Spread the religion of the

rhythm of life. And the rhythm of life is a powerful beat. Puts a tingle in

your fingers and a tingle in your feet.

Rhythm in your bedroom, rhythm in the street. Yes, the rhythm of life is a

powerful beat.

To feel the rhythm of life, to feel the powerful beat.

To feel the tingle in your fingers, to feel the tingle in your feet.

Daddy, go,

go, go, go, feet.

To feel the tingle in your fingers, to feel the tingle in your feet.

Daddy spread the gospel in Milwaukee, took his walkie-talkie to Rocky Ridge.

Blew his way to Canton, then to Scranton, till he landed under the

Manhattan Bridge.

Daddy was a new sensation, got himself a congregation, built up quite an

operation down below.

With a pie-eyed piper blowing, while the muscatel was blowing, all the cats were

go-go-going down below.

Daddy was a new sensation,

got himself a congregation,

built up quite an operation down below.

Daddy was a pie-eyed piper blowing, while the muscatel was blowing.

All the cats were go, go, going down below.

Flip your wings and fly to daddy.

Flip your wings and fly to daddy.

Flip your wings and fly to daddy. Fly, fly, fly to daddy.

Take a dive and swim to daddy.

Take a dive and swim to daddy.

Take a dive and swim to daddy.

Swim, swim, swim to daddy.

Hit the floor.

Crawl to daddy Hit the floor and

Fly, take, fly, take, fly, take, fly, take a dive.

Swim. Take a dive.

Swim. Take a dive.

Swim.

Swim. Yeah.

Swim.

Swim. Swim.

Swim, swim, swim, swim, swim. To daddy.

Daddy. Yeah. Daddy.

Uh-huh. Ooh, daddy.

Hit it, the floor.

and the rhythm of life is a powerful beat puts a tingle in your fingers and a

tingle in your feet rhythm in your bedroom rhythm in the street yes the

rhythm of life is a powerful beat to feel the rhythm of life to feel the

powerful beat to feel the tingle in your fingers

To feel the tingle in your feet To feel the rhythm of life To feel the

powerful beat To feel the tingle in your fingers To feel the tingle in your

With your wings and fly to your daddy Take a dive and swim to your daddy Hit

the bar

Number seven in the top ten religions. Well, we're going to climb to number

one, Big Daddy.

I'm here, baby.

But dig, time is running out on that big LP called life.

And the greatest disc jockey of them all is going to come and take us by the hand

and lead us to the flip side of life called eternity.

Eternity. That big coffee break in the sky.

Yeah, but before we groove that final date, before we head for that last...

Eight bars.

We gotta make our peace.

Make it, Daddy. Make it, Daddy. Make it, Daddy.

You know I'm gonna make it. And I want you cats to listen to everything I'm

gonna lay on you as of this point.

Number one, thou shalt dig thy neighbor as thou wouldst have him dig thee.

Number two, thou shalt not put down thy mamas and thy

papas.

Number three, thou shall not swing with another cat's chick.

Number four, thou shall not blow thy minds on school nights and national

holidays.

They're a very devout group. Where'd they ever find them? I'm on a mailing

list. It's a church of the month club.

And last, come here.

But not least, thou shall not indulge thyselves in the evil marijuana weed

commonly known as pot.

grass, Mary Jane, Al Capulco gold.

As it is sinful, it is harmful, it's also very expensive.

So I suggest if anybody's holding, drop it before the fuss arrives.

Love, babies.

Are they gone?

You're shaking.

I'm scared to death.

Don't worry.

I'm right here beside you.

So just relax and be scared all you want to.

Thank you, I will.

Hey, you know something?

I don't mind being scared with you.

I mean, when you've got somebody you can depend on, that you know will be there

all the time, take care of you.

Then you can afford to be scared.

I never had somebody like that before.

I've never had anybody depend on me before.

I think they're gone.

You know what I wish?

I wish we could stay like this forever.

Oh, do you, Oscar?

You're the first girl I ever met that I ever trusted and believed in.

And my whole right side is going to sleep.

Wait. I scrunched up.

What was that?

Oh, Oscar.

I'm going to tell you something about me I don't think you'll like.

It couldn't be anything about you I wouldn't like.

Remember I told you I worked in a bank?

A bank in Brooklyn.

What about that bank in Brooklyn?

We just raised our interest rates.

Hey! What's the matter?

Hey, did you hear what I said? I said I wish we could stay in here forever. Did

you hear me say that? Well, look where we are!

In a small, tight place of the type I'm usually scared to death to be in, but

I'm not!

claustrophobia anymore i'm cured you cured me i don't know but it's gone

for the first time in my life it's gone it's gone

here was

a man with no dream and no plan then one lonely night i found

Sweet charity, you make life fun for me. Oh, what it's done for me,

having you around.

Sweet charity, warm words I've never said lately

pop off the top of my head. It's incredible.

Suddenly I'm the guy I never dared to be.

Watch me touch the sky quite easily.

So if you are free, sweet charity, please belong to

me. Sweet charity, please belong to me. Sweet

charity.

Sweet charity, please belong to me. Sweet charity, please

belong to me. Sweet charity, please belong to me.

Sweet charity, please belong to me, please.

Charity, I've just about given up ever finding anybody like you.

I mean, the world's gone crazy.

Everything's all mixed up.

I mean, the old standards of decency and morality, they don't seem to mean

anything anymore.

When I see the way the girls of the office are passed around and the jokes

they tell about them, I get sick, Charity.

Most people would laugh if I told them that.

I'm not laughing, Nelson. From the moment we first met, I knew you were

different. I just knew, like the way I knew you worked in the bank. Listen,

there's something like that. I knew that you believed in the same things I did.

Things like... Innocence and...

Tripurity.

Does that sound corny?

No.

Maybe it is, but that's the way I always pictured it would be.

The way it had to be.

No one else seems to think those things are important anymore, but... That's why

you're a very special person, Charity.

Charity?

Charity.

Do you wanna have fun? Come here, cowboy. I want to tell you something.

How's about if you laugh?

I can show you a good job.

Hey, what's the big idea?

Excuse me, Miss Valentine, but your escort has just shelled out 650 to dance

with you, and I do not see you dancing. Who dances? You defend yourself to

music. Now, Miss Valentine.

You ought to know something, Herman. I don't like it here anymore, so I'm

giving you my two weeks notice as of two weeks ago.

This is not a nice place.

Hey, Charity, listen.

Hey, baby.

Charity. Hey, I'm up here.

Boy, oh boy, am I sick and tired of that musical snake bit down there. What's so

bad about it? I mean, you dance a little, talk a little, roll your eyes a

little, swivel your hips a little. Just like that, you can kill a lifetime.

How are things going with the goofball?

Oh, you know, a hand kisser.

Him? Who needs him? I don't need him. I don't need anybody. And if I needed

anybody, it sure wouldn't be him.

She's nuts about him.

It's no good.

He thinks I work in a bank. So let him.

Oh, he trusts me. He believes in me.

I've got to tell him the truth.

I gotta tell him who I am, what I do, all of it.

That much truth ain't good for nobody.

I should have told him before, but... Oh, he's just the nicest thing that ever

happened to me.

And I wanted it to last as long as it could.

Now, wait a minute. Let me get this straight.

You're gonna tell him you lied to him?

You're gonna tell him you've been working in this dump for eight years?

Yeah.

You're gonna tell him about Frank and Charlie and all? Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, I gotta hand it to you.

You are an extremely honest, open, and stupid broad.

Yeah.

Charity, what?

Sit down, Oscar.

Aren't you going to sit with me?

I have some very important things to say to you, and if I have to look in your

eyes, I'll never be able to say them.

You alone, Liz?

She's with me.

Charity, I was asleep when you called. I'm still in my pajamas. Look.

Look at me.

Oscar.

I don't know.

I never have.

And I probably never, ever will work in a bank. Oh.

I don't even have a bank account anymore.

And whatever money I do have, I keep in an empty jar of instant coffee. Oh. You

know how I earn that money, Oscar?

You're a dance hall hostess.

I'm a dance hall hostess.

I work in a cheap dance hall.

And I dance with strange men.

And I drink with them.

And sometimes, sometimes...

Hey, how did you know?

When you left me in the phone booth, I ran outside looking for you.

I saw someone, I thought it was you, and I followed her.

And she went into that... that place.

And then I knew it wasn't you.

Except I saw the photographs outside, and it was you.

I didn't go in. I couldn't.

I went home.

I tried to hate you, Charity.

I tried very hard.

But... I couldn't. I just couldn't hate you. Yeah, well, maybe you'll have

better luck tonight when I get finished telling you the rest of it. It's not

important.

Not important?

What about all those things you said?

Charity, I... Don't look at me!

Charity, I know what I said.

But I just can't let you get away. You have to marry me. I've got to tell you

everything. I don't care what you are or what you've done. If you only knew... If

you only knew all those guys...

Charlie, don't cry.

Please don't cry. I believe you. I know you believe me.

I'm crying about that other part. What other part?

You're not just making fun of me, are you?

Because asking a girl to marry her is one of her most sensitive areas.

And you really shouldn't say it if you don't mean it.

I mean, you can seriously hurt a person kidding around like that.

To tell you the truth, Oscar...

I don't think I could stand another injury of that nature.

You know, for the first time, I'm happy.

I mean, really happy inside, and it's all because of you.

Don't look at me.

I can get pretty emotional, too, you know.

Charity, you know what we're going to do? We're going to get out of this city.

Oh, I'd like that. We'll move to the country. I'd like that. New Jersey,

maybe.

We'll open a nursery, greenhouse, grow flowers.

You'd like that. The important thing is to forget about the past. I forgot it. I

forgot it. Because it's not important.

It's not important. It isn't. We won't discuss it anymore. We won't even think

about it, especially not think about it. We won't think about it. A lot of men

couldn't do that, Charity, but not me. I swear I'll never mention it again as

long as I live.

Because I need you, Charity.

I need you, and I love you.

Besides, it's the first time I got married anyway.

I'm 34 years old.

Did you know that the odds are 785?

Somebody loves me. My heart is beating so fast.

All kinds of music is pouring out of me.

Somebody loves me.

At last.

Now.

I'm a brass band. I'm a harpsichord. I'm a clarinet.

I'm the Philadelphia Orchestra.

I'm the...

jazz quartet.

I'm the band from Macy's big parade, a wild Count Basie blast.

I'm the bells of St. Peter's in Rome.

I'm tissue paper on a comb.

Somebody...

She's a brass band, she's a harpsichord, she's a clarinet.

She's the little adult billboard, it's from the modern jazz quartet.

She's a brass band, she's a harpsichord, she's a clarinet. That's me!

She's the Philadelphia Orchestra, she's a modern jazz quartet.

She's the band from Macy's Big Parade of Wild, Count Basie Blast!

She's the bells of St.

Peter's in Rome,

she's tissue paper on a cone!

You don't have to come in. No, it's all right. It's all right.

I'll just be a few minutes. That's fine.

Hey, anybody in there?

Oh, it's you.

Hey, Herman, what's going on? How come you're closed?

My business stinks. I sent everybody home. Oh, but I called Nicky and Elaine

and I told them I was coming. Hey, you heard the news.

I'm tired of not hearing.

I'm getting spliced.

I'm getting hitched. Oh, yeah, I heard.

This is him. This is the one.

Oscar Lindquist, this is Herman, affectionately known as the Fuhrer. How

do you do? Right. Well, I got some work to do. Wait, wait.

I gotta get some things out of my locker.

Okay, but don't take none of the hangers.

Every time a girl leaves here, she always takes all the hangers. He's kind

of gruff on the outside, but inside, he's really a very rotten person.

Herman, would you turn on a light?

You should know the way by now.

Eight years of your life you spend in a place and nobody even cares enough to

turn on a light.

We really fooled you, huh? We didn't even let you get away without giving you

a part.

Oh, you shouldn't have. You just shouldn't have. I told you we shouldn't

have.

the hostesses here at the Fandango Ballroom.

In cooperation with the waiters, Jet the Bouncer, Oving the Cop,

and our three regular customers since 1949.

on such short notice.

It's the cinnamon that counts. I thank you, and Oscar thanks you, and Angelo

thanks you.

You know something, pal? For a broad, she's got a lot of class.

Hey, somebody get Mr. Watson some beer.

Charity Hope Valentine, we who have lived with you, undressed with you,

suffered the indignities of this crummy joint with you.

We who have come to know you,

On this, you're not to leave.

We did want to wish you... Oh, my God, I think I'm gonna cry. No, will you quit?

All over and all over the cake. Get down. Let me down.

Charity, honey, we just wanted to... God, we're gonna miss you, girl.

I'll give it, or I'm the one that picked it out anyway.

Charity, please accept this gift as a token of our estimation.

this is the first time it's ever happened so in honor of our own blushing

bride to be miss charity valentine i would like to say wait a

minute wait a minute chief it's tough for a loudmouth mug like me

who all the time bellows like a bull to make with the words about

the missus to be when what you think His an empty heart, his full.

Tomorrow when you say, I do, I'll die.

I'm almost too ashamed to tell.

weddings i walk into a chapel and get happily hysterical the ushers and

attendants the family dependents i see them and i start to sniff have you an

extra handkerchief and all through the service while the bride and groom look

nervous tears of joy are streaming down my face

So you know he won't jump up and dress and blow. I could marry her. And be

permanently sorry.

We would make a really lousy pair.

But gee, I want to.

Johnny. Uh, Lindquist. Oscar Lindquist. Yeah. You just make sure you treat her

right, you get me?

Yes, of course.

Because she's entitled. I mean, really entitled.

If I was to list for you all the rotten deals that sweet, stupid, hard-lucked

dame's been dealt, if I was to tell you... There's no need, really.

Oh, yeah, that's right. You know all about it.

Well, frankly, I was dead set against her telling you anything, but it seems

you're a saint.

I mean, she tells you everything, and you say it doesn't matter.

Right? That's right.

Say it again.

Oh, she hasn't been making a pitch for herself.

Well, at least take it.

Thank you.

Have you an extra handkerchief?

And all through the service, while the bride and groom look nervous, tears of

joy are streaming down my face.

I love to cry at weddings, anybody's wedding, anytime, anytime,

anywhere, anywhere.

in the halls or on the stairs.

But that's because one out of every 42 accidents occurs in a public building.

Oh.

I'll be careful.

Look.

You like it?

Yeah, well, it's, uh... It's, uh... It caught my eye, you know. You and

your flowers and everything.

Oh.

You don't like it.

No, I do, I do. It's very flowery.

Boy, there sure are a lot of questions here.

Okay, name.

Charity Hope.

Valentine.

Soon to become Mrs. Oscar linguist.

Age.

Yeah, what the hell.

Heck.

Place of birth, New York.

New York.

New York.

Identifying marks, what are they?

You know.

Scars.

Birthmarks.

Tattoos.

Tattoos. I'm gonna have it taken off, Oscar, you know.

Occupation unemployed.

It hurts like crazy, they say, but you can have them taken off.

Charity.

Okay,

finished.

Your turn.

Boy, I'll tell you, I didn't care too much for the first half of my life, but

the second half sure is getting good.

Charity, I can't go through with it.

Did you hear what I said, Charity? I can't marry you.

You're nervous, aren't you, Oscar? You know, perfectly natural for the groom to

be nervous. I can't do it.

Is this a joke?

Is this a joke, Oscar? Because if this is a joke, it's a very rotten joke.

Oh, this isn't a joke. Nobody would joke about a thing like this.

Is it a joke?

I know what it is. It's the stupid dress.

Oh, me and my rotten, crummy taste.

Why don't we go out and get me another dress, and this time you pick it out,

okay? It's not the dress.

It's the way I talk, isn't it?

I know. I know. Sometimes I say those dumb things.

You know, but if I went to night school in no time at all... Charity, it's not

you. It's me.

What are you trying to tell me? I don't know how to explain it.

Well, try, Oscar. Holy mackerel, please try.

Charity, I have this thing, this mental block.

What? So, there's a lot of that going around. It's a stupid, childish, insane

fixation. Now, I know it's wrong.

I know it's not what a person's done.

It's what's inside.

But I can't help it.

Did you hear that? I know it's wrong, and I can't help it.

I got an idea.

It's you and me go ahead and get married.

And then afterward, we'll talk about your fixation, okay?

I wouldn't do any good. It's all those other men.

Huh?

The other men.

Oh, Oscar, you said that didn't matter. You said that didn't make any... I

thought if I said it enough, I could convince myself that it didn't matter,

but it does.

Oh, you know, Oscar, you're just making a mountain out of a couple of guys. How

many?

Huh? How many? I want to know exactly how many. Oh, Oscar, don't talk like

that in that tone of voice, because I can't...

How many?

Well, how far back do you want me to go?

Oh, God, I'm a terrible person. I have no right asking you things like that.

Oh, no.

Oh, Oscar, you can ask me any question you want. I won't hide a thing. You

don't understand. I don't want to know. I don't want to know anything. Okay,

then you get nothing out of me. Nothing out of me. I'm very flexible, you know?

I can go either way.

You're better off without me, Charity. I'm doing you a favor. Oscar!

You know, we're on hours in New Jersey, and you know, on days when your mental

block was bothering you, you could stay in bed, and I'd grow the flowers.

Oscar,

listen.

Oscar, listen.

I could change the way I talk, and I could change the way I dress, you know?

But there's certain things a person can't change because they're history.

And you can't change history, Oscar, no matter how much you want to.

Charity.

Oscar, I got so much to give. Please, let me give it to you.

Charity, I am saving you. I'm saving you from me.

Don't save me.

Marry me.

Don't beg, Charity.

You're too good to beg to anyone.

You know, we don't have to get married if you don't want to. I mean, we could

just, uh... you know, be together.

Don't you understand?

I would destroy you.

But that's okay.

I'm not doing much now anyway.

Oh, God.

Please forgive me.

Where am I going and what will I find?

What's in this grab bag that I call my mind?

What am I doing alone on the shelf?

Ain't it a shame no one's to blame but myself?

Which way is clear when you've lost

your way?

after year do I keep falling in love for just

the kick of it staggering through the thin and thick of it hating each

old and tired trick of it know what I am I'm good and sick of

it

Looking inside me, what do I see?

Baby, it's me. How'd it go?

Okay.

Well, what are you doing calling here? You must have better things to do.

Nikki, I want to talk to you.

Oh, you want to hear her? She's all choked up.

Charity, I can't tell you how happy all of us are for you.

We've been doing nothing else but talking about it all day.

Tell us about the ceremony. It must have been beautiful. And talk loud.

It was beautiful.

It was beautiful, just like in the movie.

Did he give you a nice ring? Did he carry you over the threshold? Did he

make you want to get into suicide?

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah, he did all those things.

Just like in the movies, you know.

Well, put the groom on. We want to hear his side.

Oh.

Well, I can't. He can't, you know.

I promise we won't say nothing dirty.

We just want to say good luck. Put him on.

Okay,

just a second.

Honey, the girls want to say good luck, you know.

He says he can't, he's shaving, you know.

Are you happy, baby?

Are you finally happy?

Yeah.

Finally happy?

I hope so.

Listen, don't talk to us no more. Any man who's shaving means business.

So long, baby, and thanks for calling.

It meant a lot, you thinking about us at a time like this.

Hey, listen, and if the first one's a girl, you can call it Nick. If it's a

boy, you can call it Nick.

Looking inside me, what do I see?

Anger and hope and doubt, what am I all about and where?

Good morning.

Good morning.

Good morning.

Good morning.

Good morning.

Good morning. Good morning.

Morning.

Love.

Love? Love.

good morning good morning