Original subtitles

Yeah, I worked in a barbershop, but I never considered myself a barber.

I stumbled into it, or married into it more precisely.

It wasn't my establishment.

Like the fella says, I only work here.

The dump was 200 feet square, with three chairs, or stations as we call them,

even though there were only two of us working.

But this is my point.

My point is that these traders and trappers would come to this country and

get the pelts and the gold ignots... Frank Raffo, my brother-in-law, was the

principal barber, and man, could he talk. There was a craze on beaver hats

in Paris at the time. Now, maybe if you're 11 or 12 years old, Frank's got

an interesting point of view, but sometimes it got on my nerves.

Not that I complain, mind you.

Like I said, he was the principal barber.

Frank's father, August, they called him Guzzy.

had worked the heads up in Santa Rosa for 35 years until his ticker stopped in

the middle of a junior flat top.

He left the shop to Frankie free and clear, and that seemed to satisfy all of

Frank's ambitions, cutting the hair and chewing the fat.

Me, I don't talk much.

I just cut the hair.

Says here that the Russians exploded an A-bomb and there's not a damn thing we

can do about it.

Uh-huh.

How do you like them apples?

Now, being a barber is a lot like being a barman or a soda jerk.

There's not much to it once you've learned the basic moves.

For the kids, there's the butch or the hiney, the flat-top, the ivy, the crew.

the vanguard, the junior contour, and occasionally the executive contour.

I lived in a little bungalow on Napa Street.

Place was okay, I guess.

Had an electric icebox, gas hearth, and a garbage grinder built into the sink.

You might say I had it made.

Oh, yeah, there was one other thing.

Doris kept the books at Nerdlinger's.

a small department store on Main Street.

Doris liked the work, accounting.

She liked knowing where everything stood.

And she got a 10% employee discount on whatever she wanted.

Nylon stockings, makeup, and perfume.

Doris and I went to church once a week, usually Tuesday night.

Twenty-nine. Doris wasn't big on divine worship, and I doubt if she believed in

life everlasting.

She'd most likely tell you that our reward is on this earth, and bingo is

probably the extent of it.

Watch your card, honey.

I wasn't crazy about the game, but I don't know. It made her happy, and I

found the setting peaceful.

Jesus, bingo.

Bingo!

Doris's boss, Big Dave Brewster, was married to Ann Nerdlinger, the

department store heiress.

Tonight, they were coming over for dinner.

As Doris said, we were entertaining.

Me, I don't like entertaining.

How you doing, Ed? Okay.

Take your coat, Ann.

So the jobs had us been down on Booner for something like six weeks.

I got to tell you, I thought we had it tough, but we had supply.

The Japs were eating bugs and grubs and thistles.

Anyway, one day we bust off the beach.

We find Arnie Bragg, this kid, missing on recon.

The Japs had eaten the son of a bitch.

If you'll pardon the... Anyway, it's a scrawny, pimply kid. I mean, nothing to

write home about. I mean, I never would have, you know.

So what do I say, honey?

What do I say when I don't like dinner?

Come on, what do I say?

I say, Arnie Bragg, again?

Arnie Bragg, again?

Were you in the service, Ed?

No, Dave, I wasn't. It was for and upon account of his fallen arches.

Well, man, that's tough.

That's... that's tough.

Yeah.

I guess Doris liked all that He-Man stuff.

Sometimes I had the feeling that she and Big Dave were a lot closer than they let

on.

The signs were all there, plain enough.

Not that I was going to prance about it, mind you.

It's a free country.

Home down to Port Cherry, Ed.

That's some wife you got there.

Yeah.

She's a rare one.

So how's business, Dave?

Oh, couldn't be better.

These are boom times in retail, Ed.

We're opening another store over there on Garson. Big Dave's Annex.

And this is strictly haberdashery. It's casual wear, pajamas, ladies'

undergarments and foundations.

That type of thing.

Matter of fact, I'm thinking of making Doris the comptroller.

Listen, when the annex opens up, you gotta stop by. Maybe we can update your

suit a little bit, huh?

Of course, you're in the smock all day.

Where do you get those things, anyway?

Specialty store down in Sacramento.

Oh.

You tie your own flies.

I mean, if you're really serious, you tie your own flies.

You do a... I know, it's meticulous. I know.

People say, hey, you can buy flies at the store.

The point is, there's a certain art to the process.

The point is not merely to provide.

And let me point out, these fish are not as dumb as you might think.

Yeah. Sure. Go to the store. Go.

Describe to the man where you will be fishing and for what, and then you might

as well go ahead and have the man sell you the goddamn fish head.

My point is, this is a man who knows nothing, no matter how much you tell

him. So sell him the goddamn fish head.

Yeah.

Okay. Who gets the privilege?

We're just closing, friend.

Oh, happy days.

I wish I was doing well enough to turn away business.

What's the problem, friend?

This is a business establishment with posted hours. More power to you,

brother. The public be damned.

Hey. I'll take care of him. You go ahead, Frank.

Have a seat, mister.

You sure, Eddie?

Yeah, yeah, go ahead.

In your ear, mister.

Oh, those fiery mediterraneans.

Say, not so fast there, brother.

Pretty good, eh?

Fool's even the experts.

100% human hair.

Handcrafted by Jacques of San Francisco.

I hate to have to tell you what I paid for it.

Yeah, it's a nice rug.

I'm paying it down on the installment plan.

A lot of folks live with the paint exposed.

They say the dames think it's sexy.

But for my money, it's just not good grooming.

And grooming, my friend, is probably the most important thing in business.

After personality, of course.

Creighton Tolliver. Pleased to know you.

Ed Crane.

So, what brings you to Santa Rosa?

A goose, my friend.

I was chasing a wild goose.

Ed, have you ever heard of venture capital?

Risk money. Very speculative.

Except that in certain situations it's not, see?

I thought I had a prospect here.

Well, I make the haul up, and this lousy so-and-so tells me that the situation

has changed.

All of his capital's tied up in expansion plans of his own. Thank you,

Mother. Pop goes another bubble. It's only the biggest business opportunity

since Henry Ford, and I can't seem to interest a soul.

Is that right?

It's called dry cleaning.

You heard me right, brother. Dry cleaning.

Wash without water.

No suds, no tumble, no stress on the clothes.

It's all done with chemicals, friend.

And here's the capper.

No shrinkage.

That's right.

Dry cleaning.

All I need is $10,000 to open up the first door. And then I use its cash flow

to finance another, and so on, leapfrog, bootstrap myself to a whole chain.

Well, me and a partner.

Cleanliness, friend.

There's money in it.

There's a future. There's room to grow.

See?

That looks pretty good.

Let's see it with the hairpiece on.

Dry cleaning.

Was I crazy to be thinking about it?

Was he a huckster or opportunity, the real McCoy?

My first instinct was, no, no, the whole idea was nuts.

But maybe that was the instinct that kept me locked up in the barbershop,

nose against the exit, afraid to try turning the knob.

Honey? Hmm?

Shave my legs, will you?

What if I could get the money?

It was clean.

No water.

Chemicals.

Give me a try.

I

love

you, honey.

Come in.

Okay, yeah.

Yeah, I'll see you tomorrow.

Oh, I thought you were the porter.

Can I help you?

I'm Ed.

Ed Crane.

I cut your hair today.

I'm the barber.

Geez, you're the barber.

I didn't recognize you without the smock.

Did I leave something at the shop?

No, it's nothing like that.

Um, I might be interested in that business proposition.

You got the dough?

Well, I can get it.

Come in. Come in!

Sit down over there.

Coffee? No.

Well, sit down. Make yourself comfortable.

So tell me... Sure.

Other than putting up the money, exactly what would you want the partner to do?

Hell, nothing.

Well, you're going to want to keep tabs on your investment, the running of the

business, but I'm looking for a silent partner.

I've done the research, I've contacted the vendors, the deal is set.

Disappear if you'd like, check in whenever you want.

I want the dough, eh? Don't take attendance.

And how do we share the... 50-50, straight down the line. You and me.

Finance and expertise.

So you got the dough then, do you?

I can have it in a week.

The barber.

Well, I thought this trip was going to be a bust.

Just shows to go you, when one door slams shut, another one opens.

Here's to you.

Was that a pass?

Maybe.

Well, you're out of line, mister.

Not a problem.

Way out of line.

Right.

Strictly business.

I sent it to Dave the next morning.

And I waited.

Frank?

This hair.

Yeah.

You ever wonder about it?

What do you mean?

I don't know.

How it keeps on coming.

It just keeps growing.

Yeah. Lucky for us. Not bad.

No, I mean... It keeps growing.

It's part of us.

off and throw it away.

Come on, Eddie.

You're gonna scare the kid.

Okay, bud.

We're through.

I'm gonna take this hair and throw it out in the dirt.

What?

I'm gonna mingle it with common house dirt.

What the hell are you talking about?

Ed, give me a zip.

Where you going?

Me? Us.

Party at Nerdlinger's. I told you last week.

The Christmas push.

Oh, yeah. Right.

Come on. Get ready.

It's important.

You go ahead. I'm not big on parties.

Don't be a grump. Give me a zip.

Hey, you in ladieswear?

Huh?

Haven't I seen you up in ladieswear?

I don't work here. My wife does.

Uh-huh.

Some beat, huh?

Yeah.

Check out the rack on that broad in the Angora.

Ed,

can I talk to you?

Sure.

Sit down, sit down.

Souvenirs off of Japan, New Guinea.

Guess you're wondering what Doris was so hot about.

What's the matter?

My private stock.

Romeo and Juliet.

And I... What

is it, Dave?

Dad, I've been weak. I've been weak.

Yeah.

You're gonna burn yourself.

I... I, uh...

Jesus. I've been carrying on with a married woman.

Knowing you know.

And now the chickens are coming home to roost.

I got a note.

A blackmail note, you know.

Come across her, everybody knows.

I guess you know what that would do to me.

I guess that would be pretty awkward.

Awkward?

Yeah, yeah.

Ann would throw me right out of my keister.

I mean, it's her family's store, Ed. It's her store.

I serve at the indulgence of goddamn ownership.

Lady's husband would know.

How much do they want, Dave?

$10,000.

I don't know what to do, Ed. I don't know what I can do.

Even though I know who the son of a bitch is.

You know who is?

The son of a bitch, the blackmailer. I know who he is.

It's no one you know. It's a businessman from Sacramento. A goddamn pansy, Ed.

Tried to rope me into some crackpot scheme.

i heard him out and then i told him to go to hell the very next day the very

next day i get a note the blackmail note asking me for the same amount of money

he asked me for the very next day ten thousand dollars how did

he know that you were seeing him he stayed at the hotel that i went to with

the uh lady in question he must have seen us oh jesus

i don't know what to do i don't know what to do

Why don't you just pay him, Dave?

Because that's my capitalization on the annex.

That's my operation.

Christ almighty.

That's what I was just talking to Doris about down there. A way to get... Get

the money from the store that we could hide from Ann.

Though she was pretty hot about that, God bless her.

I'm bezeling, Ed.

I'm bezeling for my own goddamn wife.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

In a way, I felt bad for Big Dave.

I knew the ten grand was going to pinch him where it hurt.

But Doris was two-timing me, and I guess somewhere that pinched a little, too.

That was pretty.

Did you make that up?

Oh, no.

No, that was written by Ludwig van Beethoven.

Well, it was quite something.

Yeah, he wrote some beautiful piano sonatas.

That was really something.

I'm Ed Crane.

I know you are, Mr. Crane.

My father used to take me with him when he went to get his hair cut.

Walter Abundus?

Oh, sure, Walter.

Yeah, I'm Rachel Abundus.

Everyone calls me Bertie.

I'm sorry, I just didn't remember.

Oh, no, it's okay.

I mean, you can't expect to remember every skinny girl who comes in with her

dad.

So you don't like that music out there?

I mean, not really.

I'm not big on music ordinarily.

Ed.

What a knucklehead.

Who? Dave.

Why's that?

Money problems.

He's thinking about canceling the annex.

So?

That means I don't run Nerdlingers.

Big

Dave

did it, though.

I sent a note telling him where to drop the money.

And he did.

He came across.

Yeah. Good.

How are you? Come in.

I got everything organized.

How you doing? You got a check?

Cash. Cash?

Usually, these kinds of things are done with a bank draft, but cash, that's

fine. It's all the same in the end.

Dough's dough, huh?

Whoa, Nellie.

I got the paperwork here.

Partnership. papers.

They reflect our agreement.

50-50 on the net.

I provide professional services.

You provide the capital.

I'm going to give you a receipt on the dough here.

It's pretty straightforward.

I don't know whether you want to show it to a lawyer.

No, that's okay.

Screw them, right?

I paid them to tangle it up and then you have to pay them to untangle it.

What's the point? Now you just give me a second here.

I'll give you a...

Oh, Nellie.

Okay,

you know, the one thing we didn't talk about was I am thinking about calling

the place Tolliver's. After me, you know?

I didn't think you were much interested in... It's fine.

Yeah, that's good.

Good, good. Now, ready?

One second, and I will... Okay, that's it.

as per our discussion.

All right, there it is, writ large, in legal escritoire, and the, uh... Say,

Creighton, you're not gonna screw me on this.

Screw you?

Jesus.

Take it to a lawyer.

No, I insist.

I insist!

This is dry cleaning.

This is not some fly-by-night thing here.

I'll tell you, I have been 13 years as an entrepreneur, and I have never...

It's okay. Nobody's even questioned me on... Hey, look, want the dough back?

Hey, hey, do you know who you're talking to here? Do you know who I am? It's

okay. Do you have any idea who you are talking... It's okay.

So, Tolliver's is okay, then?

The next day was Saturday.

We were going to a reception for Doris's cousin, Gina, who'd just married a WAP

vendor out near Modesto.

Doris didn't much feel like going, and I didn't either. But like she said, we had

a commitment.

I hate WAPs.

What's so goddamn strange about that?

I didn't say a word.

You didn't have to grow up with them.

He's riding Garibaldi! Uncle Frankie's riding Garibaldi!

That was when she started drinking.

Doris.

Doris. You been okay?

Yeah. How you doing, Costanza?

Oh, you know, still got my health.

And how you been?

Ed. Ed.

He's a barber, right?

It's a good trade.

So how come you got no kids?

I just ate lunch.

I couldn't eat another thing.

Oh, no. Anthony.

Anthony.

It's you.

Okay, kids. Ready?

And... Congratulations.

Congratulations,

Gina. It's so goddamn wonderful.

Congratulations to you, Gina. Life is just so goddamn wonderful, you almost

won't believe it.

It's just a bowl of goddamn cherries.

I'm sure you know what I'm talking about.

Congratulations on your goddamn cherries.

Let go of my goddamn elbow.

I

never want

to see another blueberry pie.

I never even want to hear those words.

Don't say those words Ed.

Don't say those words.

I'd met Doris blind on a double date with a loudmouth buddy of mine who was

seeing a friend of hers from work.

We went to a movie.

Doris had a flask.

Boy, she could put it away.

At the end of the night, she said she liked it. I didn't talk much.

It was only a couple of weeks later she suggested we get married.

Your place?

Dave?

I'm ruined.

It ruined me.

This money.

No annex.

I'm all shot to hell.

So you paid the guy?

What kind of man are you?

What kind of man are you?

I mean, I'd understand if you came in here and socked me in the nose,

whatever.

I deserve it.

I'm not proud of what I did.

Yeah, I paid up.

As you well know.

But then I went and found the pansy.

Oh, you got nothing to say, huh?

Well, you know the story.

I didn't.

I had to beat it out of the pansy.

I'm gonna shut the hell.

It was only a couple of weeks later she suggested we get married.

I said, don't you want to get to know me more?

She said, why, does it get better?

She looked at me like I was a dope, which I never really minded from her.

And she had a point, I guess.

We knew each other as well then as now.

Anyway, well enough.

Holy moly, do I got a headache.

How are you today, Ed?

Okay.

You don't got a headache?

No.

Yeah. I got a headache to beat the band.

Didn't make a sound.

Didn't call.

Nothing. Did you pump it? You can't pump it.

That'll just flood it. No, no, no. You gotta pump it. You can't just hold it

down. I mean, that'll flood it. You crazy.

You pumped it.

Well, you can't hold it down.

Just turn the key.

Not when it's cold.

What? If it's cold, choke it.

And pump it.

How many times?

Ed Crane?

I'm Crane.

Come on outside.

Sure.

I'm Officer Persky. This is Krebs.

Well, we going?

Huh?

Oh, uh, no.

Cigarette?

Right.

Pete's got some news for you.

Uh... Look, pal, um...

It's a tough break, but, um... Well, damn it, your wife's been pinched.

They sent us around to tell you.

Huh?

They sent us around to tell you. We pulled the detail.

My wife?

Yeah. Yeah, they brung her down to county jail.

Homicide. Well, embezzlement.

And homicide.

Guy named David Brewster, he's the guy she...

He's the decedent.

I don't understand.

He's a dead guy.

Yeah. Yeah, it's a tough break.

Fizzing ends at five.

Oh, uh... Missed it today, but, uh... You can go see her tomorrow.

Sorry, pal.

They sent us to tell you.

Hello, Walter.

Hello, Ed.

Thanks.

Thanks for seeing me at home.

Oh, well.

Want a drink?

No, thanks.

You sure you don't need one?

I'm fine.

Okay.

Boy.

Yeah.

Jesus.

Well, of course, I... It's out of my league.

I do probate and real estate and title search.

I'd be absolutely worthless, something like this. Absolutely worthless.

Excuse me.

I just finished dinner.

Frankly, Doris would be better off with a county defender.

Is he a good man?

Burt's okay.

He's a good man.

I won't kid you, Ed.

There's nobody around here who has any experience with this kind of thing.

I hear they're bringing a prosecutor up from Sacramento.

It's a capital offense.

They're taking it seriously.

So... You're taking it seriously.

So, what, uh, what... Do you want any more coffee, Dan?

Oh, hi, Mr. Crane.

Hello, Rachel.

I was so sorry to hear.

Yeah, thanks.

Coffee, Ed?

No, thanks.

No, thanks. I think we're... Okay, then.

It was good to see you again, Mr. Crane.

Dan.

A good kid.

Jesus.

So, uh, who do you think?

Oh, well, um, Lloyd Garraway in San Francisco.

Probity.

You know, nobody ever said anything iffy about Lloyd Garraway.

He's conservative.

Jury might like that, might like that here.

Probity.

So he's the best man for... No. The best?

The money is no object best. Any lawyer will tell you it's Freddy Reed and

Schneider from... Sacramento.

I don't know how you're fixed for money.

He's the best.

Reed and Schneider.

No question about it.

Brought your makeup.

Glasses.

What happened to you?

I don't know what's going on. I don't know what happened to Big

Dave. I know some of it.

Irregularities in the books they said.

Can I explain it?

You don't have to explain anything.

I did help cook the books out. I did do that.

Should I... Should I tell you why I changed the books?

Jesus Christ!

My books used to be perfect.

Anyone could open them up and make sense of the whole goddamn store.

I knew he'd pay for it.

I don't care what it costs.

This is when you come together.

Well, that's not very generous of you, Frank.

The hell with it.

The hell with it, Eddie.

This is when you come together.

This is family.

They're just people like you and me, Ed.

Remember that.

Just people.

They gotta put up the big front so that people will trust them with their money.

This is why the big lobby, Ed.

But they put their pants on one leg at a time, just like you and me.

They, too, use the toilet, Ed, in spite of appearances.

And their money will be secured by the barbershop.

A rock.

A rock, the barbershop. Mr. Rafa.

Yes, sir?

Could you come with me, please?

Sure. Can Ed come, too?

Mr...

Crane.

Ed Crane.

You also have an interest in the securing property?

He's a barber.

Ah. Second chair.

Not an owner?

No. He's a family. He's my brother-in-law.

It would be best if he waited here.

The barber shop.

Doris and Frank's father had worked 30 years to own it free and clear.

Now it got signed over to the bank, and the bank signed some money over to

Frank, and Frank signed the money over to Freddy Riedenschneider, who got into

town two days later and told me to meet him at Da Vinci's for lunch.

Not fried. Poached.

Three of them for two minutes.

Strips, steak, medium and rare.

Flapjacks, potatoes, tomato juice, and plenty of hot coffee.

You have any prairie oysters?

Yes, sir.

Then bring me a fruit cocktail while I wait.

You're Crane?

Yeah.

Barber, right?

Yeah. I'm Freddy Regensteiner. Hungry?

Uh, not really.

Hey, tell me the chow's okay here. I made some inquiries.

Look.

I don't want to waste your time, so I'll eat while we talk. You mind? You don't

mind. So while I'm in town, I'm staying at the Hotel Metropole Turandot Suite.

Yeah, Scooby. They named the suites after operas.

Room's okay, though. I poked around.

I'm having them hold it for me on account of I'll be back and forth. So in

addition to my retainer, you're paying hotel, living expenses, secretarial,

private eye if we need to make inquiries, head shrinker should we go

that way. We'll talk about appeals if, as, and when.

For right now, has she confessed?

No, of course not. She didn't do it.

Good. That helps. Not that she didn't do it, that she didn't confess. Of course,

there's ways to deal with a confession, but that's good. It's one less thing to

think about. Now, interview.

I'm seeing her tomorrow. You should be there. Three o'clock. One more thing.

You keep your mouth shut. I get the lay of the land. I tell you what to say. No

talking out of school. What's out of school?

Everything's out of school.

I do the talking. You keep your trap shut.

I'm an attorney. You're a barber. You don't know anything.

Any questions?

Give me your ring, Turandot, sweet.

If I'm out, leave a message.

You sure you don't want anything?

No? Okay.

You're okay, pal.

You're okay. She's okay.

Everything's gonna be hunky. And the flapjacks, honey.

There they were.

All going about their business.

It seemed like I knew a secret, a bigger one even than what had really happened

to Big Dave.

Something none of them knew.

Like I had made it to the outside somehow and they were all still

struggling way down below.

Anne. Hello, Ed.

Would you like to come in, Anne?

No.

No, it's very late.

I'm so sorry about your loss.

Of course, you know that Doris had nothing to do with it.

Nothing at all.

I know.

Don't worry, Ed.

I came to tell you, and you should tell Doris.

Yeah?

You know how Big Dave loved camping and the out-of-doors?

We went camping last summer in Eugene, Oregon.

Outside Eugene, Ed.

Yeah? At night, there were lights.

We both saw them.

We never told anyone outside of our official report.

Our report to the government.

And? There was a spacecraft.

I saw the creatures.

They led Big Dave.

onto the craft.

He never told anyone what they did.

Ann, would you like to... I cannot repeat it to you, but this thing goes

deep, Ed.

It goes deep and involves the government.

This was not your wife. There's a great deal of fear.

You know how certain circles would find it, the knowledge, a threat.

They'd try to limit it. Ann, would you like to come in?

Sometimes knowledge is a curse, Ed.

After this happened, things changed.

Big Dave... He never touched me again.

Tell Doris not to worry.

I know it wasn't her.

Perhaps this will bring it out.

Finally.

Perhaps now it will all come out.

But it's true. I don't care. It's true. It's not true. It stinks.

You say he was being blackmailed. By who? You don't know. For having an

affair. With who? You don't know. Did anyone else know about it? Probably not.

You don't know.

I knew about it.

Big Dave told me about it.

And the spot he was putting himself in by getting the money.

Terrific. Your husband backs you up. That's terrific.

Come on, you gotta give me something to work with. Freddy Reed and Schneider is

good, but he's not a magician.

He can't just wave his little wand in the air and make a plausible defense

materialize. Look, look at what the other side is going to run at us. They

got the company books, prepared by you, cooked by you. That's motive.

They got a murder scene you had access to. That's opportunity.

They got that little trimmer thing he was stabbed in the throat with, a dame's

weapon. It was big Dave's. Don't interrupt me. That's means.

They got a fine upstanding pillar of the business community as a victim, and then

they got you.

A disgruntled, number-juggling underling who on the day in question was drunk as

a skunk and whose alibi for the time in question is being passed out at home

alone.

I was with her.

Like I say.

You killed him.

Okay.

We forget the blackmail thing. You killed him.

How come?

He and Doris were having an affair.

Okay.

How did you know?

I just knew.

A husband knows.

Will anyone else say they knew? And don't say your wife.

I don't know.

I don't think so.

How did you get into the store?

I took Doris's keys.

Will anyone say they saw you there? On your way there? In there? On your way

back?

I don't think so.

Will anyone corroborate any goddamn part of your story at all? Oh, come on.

People, you can't help each other like that.

Let's be realistic now.

Let's look at our options.

Frankly, I don't see any options.

Look, I cannot present story A.

I cannot present story B.

I could plead you for a nutcase, but you look too composed.

I could offer a guilty plea, and in return they don't give you the juice,

but I don't think you want to spend the rest of your life in Chino, and I know

you didn't hire Freddy Regenschneider to hold your hand at a sentencing hearing.

Hell, you could have gotten Lloyd Garraway for that.

No, no, no, no, we're not.

giving up yet. You hired Freddy Riedenschneider. It means you're not

throwing in the towel. I litigate.

I don't capitulate.

All right.

No options.

We gotta think.

All right. We go back to the blackmail thing. Yeah. It titillates. It's open

-ended. And it makes him the bad guy. You dig around, you never know.

Something unsavory from his past.

He approaches you to help him with the money. It's too late. His past comes

back to haunt him. Who's to say?

Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Forget the jealous husband thing. That's just simple. We're going

with the blackmail. I'll be in touch.

I'm coming out.

Of course, there was one person who could confirm Doris's story, or plenty

of it, the dry-cleaning pansy.

But he'd left the hotel, skipped out on his bill.

He'd also disappeared from the residence he gave me.

owing two months rent how could i have been so stupid handing over ten thousand

dollars for a piece of paper and the man gone like a ghost

disappeared into thin air vaporized like the nips at nagasaki gone now

all gone

the money gone big dave gone doris going

How could I have been so stupid?

She makes this stuff, she calls it cotton.

It's got egg in there, it's got sugar, it's got...

Sooner or later, everyone needs a haircut.

We were working for the bank now.

We kept cutting the hair, trying to stay afloat, make the payments, tread the

water. Day by day.

Day by day.

Most people think someone's accused of a crime. They haul them in and bring them

to trial, but it's not like that. It's not that fast.

The wheels of justice turn slow.

They have the arraignment, then the indictment, and they entertain motions

to dismiss and postpone and change the venue and alter this and that and the

other.

They impanel a jury, which brings more motions, and they set a trial date, and

then they change the date.

And then, often as not, they'll change it again. Not guilty, Your Honor.

I says, honey, if you're going to make cover, make a little bit of cover.

And through all of it, we cut the hair.

Meantime, Freddy Reed and Schneider slept at the Metropole.

and shovel it in at Da Vinci's.

He'd brought in a private investigator from Sacramento to nose around into Big

Dave's past.

I found myself more and more going over to the abundances.

It was a routine we fell into most every evening.

I even went when Walter was away on his research trips.

He was a genealogist and traced back his side of the family seven generations,

his late wife's eight.

It seemed like a screwy hobby, but then maybe all hobbies are.

Maybe Walter found something there in the old county courthouses, hospital

file rooms, city archives, property rolls, registries.

Something maybe like what I found listening to Birdie play.

Some kind of escape.

Some kind of peace.

They got this guy in Germany.

Fritz something or other.

Or is it? Maybe it's Werner. Anyway, he's got this theory.

You want to test something, you know, scientifically.

How the planets go around the sun, what sunspots are made of, why the water

comes out of the tap.

Well, you got to look at it.

But sometimes you look at it, your looking changes it.

You can't know the reality of what happened or what would have happened if

you hadn't have stuck in your own goddamn schnoz.

So there is no what happened.

Looking at something changes it.

They call it the uncertainty principle.

Sure, it sounds screwy, but even Einstein says the guy's onto something.

Science.

Perception.

Reality.

Doubt.

Reasonable.

Doubt.

I'm saying...

is sometimes the more you look, the less you really know.

It's a fact.

A proved fact. In a way, it's the only fact there is.

This heinie even wrote it out in numbers.

Burns?

Subject, David Allen Brewster.

Born Brooklyn, 1911.

Subject, educated in public schools. One-year case, Western University.

Flunks out.

1931, retail appliance salesman in Bonhoeff's department store, Cincinnati.

1933, meets Ann Niederlinger. He married that year.

1935, arrested on assault complaint.

Complainant, has a broken nose, couple of broken ribs. 36, another assault beef

at a barroom altercation. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Couple of fistfights, right?

Go to his service record.

Inducted March 15, 1942.

Served in a clerical capacity in the U.S. Navy shipyards in San Diego.

One fist fight. Broken up by the MPs. No court martial.

Honorable discharge May 8, 1945.

Since then, he's been clean.

Thank you, Burns.

Get lost.

So, this could be your dolly's ticket out of the death house, so?

I don't get it.

Look, chum, this is a guy, from what I understand, told everybody he was a war

hero, right?

Island hopping, practically liberated the Pacific all by himself with a knife

in one hand, a gun in the other, and 20 yards of Jap guts between his teeth.

And now it turns out this dope spent the war sitting on his ass in some boatyard

in San Diego.

You asked for blackmail?

Mr. Hale, fellow well-met, about to open his own business here, has been lying to

everybody in this town for the last four years, probably including half the

people sitting on that jury.

Well, it finally caught up with him. Somebody knew his dirty little secret,

just like your wife says.

Did Big Dave say he'd recently heard from an old friend?

Did Big Dave mention it was something about his war service?

I don't know.

I wasn't there.

You have to tell us.

Maybe he specified.

Maybe he didn't. I'm not putting words in your mouth. No.

But the point is that this liar, this cynical manipulator, turns to you.

to help him out of his jam, fat-ass son of a bitch.

So who... who actually... Who?

Who?

I don't know who.

But the point is that if Mr.

Prosecutor over there had devoted half the time he spent persecuting this woman

to even the most cursory investigation of this schmo's past, then we might know

who, but we can't know who. We can't know what... really happened because the

more you look the less you know but the beauty of it is

we don't gotta know we just got to show the god

damn it they don't know because of Fritz or Werner or whatever the hell his name

is

We got a real shot at this, folks. Let's not get cocky. Coming out.

Big Dave.

What a joke.

So maybe Riedenschneider could fix it for Doris.

Maybe it would all work out.

And I thought... I hoped that maybe there was

a way out for me as well.

He was deaf when he wrote this.

Who?

Beethoven.

He created it, but he never actually heard it.

I guess he just... Hurt it all in his head somehow.

The girl had talent.

Anyone could see that.

She wasn't some fly-by-nighter.

She was just a good, clean kid.

If she was going to have a career, she'd need a responsible adult looking out for

her.

Some kind of manager.

She'd have contracts to look at. Be going out on tours.

Playing on the radio, maybe.

I could help her sort through all that without charging her an arm and a leg.

Just enough to get by.

And I could be with her.

Enough to keep myself feeling okay.

Why couldn't that work?

Why not?

Hi, Mr. Crane. Hello, Bertie.

I thought that was real good.

Yeah, I messed up a little bit on the, um, on the agitato, but if nobody

noticed, then it's okay.

Oh, this is, um, a friend of mine, Tony.

Uh, Mr. Crane.

Hello, Tony.

Well, sir.

Well, uh... Congratulations.

I think I'll be getting home now.

It was... Nice to meet you, sir.

You too, Tony.

Why couldn't it work?

Anyway, that's what I was thinking in the days leading up to the trial.

It seemed like once that was over, I'd be ready for a new start.

Freddie Riedenschneider was busy preparing.

He was very optimistic.

And finally it came.

The first day of the trial.

What Riedenschneider called the big show.

Where's the judge?

How come there's no judge?

Where's the judge, Ed?

Regan Schneider, how come the judge doesn't come out?

The judge comes in last.

He'll come in when Doris gets here.

So where's Doris?

I thought we started at 10.

Hey, Regan Schneider, where's Doris?

She's late.

Late?

How can she be late?

She's in prison, Ed.

None of us are in prison, and yet we're not late.

We're on time, Ed.

How can Doris be late?

What, they don't have wake-up calls?

All rise. No, no.

Counselors.

the bailiff and so forth.

Hey, what is this?

Is this procedure?

I had a real shot at this. I could have won this

thing. Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, your service is no longer needed and you

are now discharged.

She'd hanged herself.

I'd brought her a dress to wear to court, and she'd used the belt.

At first, I thought that she'd figured out somehow how I fit into it, and

couldn't stand it. Couldn't stand knowing.

That wasn't it. I'd find out later.

For now, everything just seemed ruined.

Freddy Riedenschneider went back to Sacramento, still shaking his head.

saying it was the biggest disappointment of his professional career.

Frankie fell to pieces.

I suspect he was drinking.

Anyway, he stopped coming into work.

That left me to keep the place going, or the bank would have taken it.

I was the principal barber now.

I hired a new man for the second chair.

I'd hired the guy who did the least gabbing when he came in for an

interview. But I guess the new man had only kept quiet because he was nervous.

Once he had the job, he talked from the minute I opened the shop in the morning

until I locked up at night.

For all I know, he talked to himself on the way home.

When I walked home, it seemed like everyone avoided looking at me.

As if I'd caught some disease.

This thing with Doris.

Nobody wanted to talk about it.

it was like i was a ghost walking down the street and when i got home now

the place felt empty

i

sat in the house but there was nobody there

i was a ghost i didn't see anyone no one saw me

plate and some bacon and potatoes which is supposed to come with it and so I pay

for it and I put the change in my pocket without really looking because gosh I

mean who looks at the change when you eat there every day. So two blocks later

I look at the change she gave me and golly I'm two bits short. Two bits

short. So I walk back over to Linton's, find this gal, big argument. She doesn't

even recall the transaction.

No recollection. Doesn't recall the transaction, no recollection. So I say

look dear, go ahead look at the menu. If you're in before six o'clock it's the,

whatchamacallit, the...

The early bird special. Yeah, the early riser.

Crane.

I'm Crane.

My name's Dedrickson, county medical examiner.

Yeah?

I just came by for an informal chat.

Why don't I buy you a drink?

Rye.

It's coffee.

You sure you don't want something stiffer?

Coffee it is.

County M.E. does an autopsy on anyone who dies in custody.

I don't know if you knew that.

It's routine.

It doesn't become a matter of public record unless there's been foul play.

However, I don't think I'm prohibited from telling you this.

Of course, I'm not obliged to either.

I just don't know.

But if I were the man...

I'm not here to add to your... Thanks.

Your wife is pregnant.

Well, I hope I've done the right thing.

My wife and I had not performed the sex act in many years.

Well...

I'm sorry.

There it is.

Good luck, Ray.

doris and i had never really talked much i don't think that's a bad thing

necessarily but it was funny now i wanted to talk now with everyone gone

i was alone with secrets i didn't want and no one to tell them to anyway

i went to see a woman who was supposed to have powers in communicating with

those who had passed across as she called it she said that People who had

passed across were picky about who they'd communicate with, not like most

people you run into on this side.

So you needed a guide, someone with a gift for talking to souls.

Give me your hand.

Well, first she told me that my wife was in a peaceful place, that our souls were

still connected, that she'd never stopped loving me, even though she'd

done some things she wasn't proud of.

Man, she was reading me like a book.

She was a phony, just another gabber.

I was turning into Ann Nerdlinger, Big Dave's wife.

I had to turn my back on the old lady, on the veils, on the ghosts,

on the dead, before they all sucked me in.

Ed? How you holding up?

Okay, Walter. Thanks.

I was so damn sorry to hear about your loss. It's a terrible thing. It's just

damn terrible.

Bertie's upstairs.

I'm a long distance.

Hello, Bertie.

Hi, Mr. Crane.

We haven't seen you since.

We've certainly missed you.

Bertie, I've been doing a lot of thinking.

There are a lot of things that haven't worked out for me.

Life has dealt me some bum cards.

Or maybe I just haven't played him right. I don't know. Pop doesn't like

people smoking in here.

Sorry.

Sometimes I have his cigarette when he's away, but never when he's home. He can

smell it a mile off.

I'm sure it's his house.

That's what he keeps telling me.

Anyway, my point is, you're young.

A kid, really.

Your whole life ahead of you.

But it's not too soon to start making opportunities for yourself.

Before it all washes away.

Well, yeah, I guess.

Pop says so, too.

You know, I worked pretty hard at school.

That's swell.

However, the music, if you want to pursue it...

Well, the lessons from Mrs. Swan, they'll only take you so far.

There's this guy in San Francisco.

I've made inquiries.

Everybody says he's the best.

Trained people who've gone on to big concert careers in symphony orchestras

and works. His name is Jacques Carcinogas.

I'm not sure I'm pronouncing it right.

Anyway, he's a Frenchman.

Oh, boy, a Frenchman, huh? You've got talent.

Anybody can see that.

And he's the best.

If he sees a student that he thinks has talent, he takes them on for next to

nothing. So you're a cinch to be accepted.

I could cover the cost of the lessons.

Like I said, it's pretty modest.

Oh, jeez, Mr. Crane. No, I have to do it.

I can't stand by and watch any more things go down the drain. You're young.

You don't understand.

Oh, jeez, Mr. Crane. I hadn't really thought about it.

A career or stuff.

Just go see him as a favor to me.

I talked to this guy.

He loosened up a little bit when I told him how talented you are.

He's agreed to see you this Saturday.

He said maybe you're a diamond in the rough.

His words.

Geez, I don't know, Mr. Crane.

Just go see him as a favor to me.

You are the father?

No, I'm her... I'm a family friend.

I am Karkonog.

You will wait, my dear.

I speak with you on the phone, no? You have a special interest in music?

Uh-huh.

Ah.

A music lover. I don't pretend to be an expert.

How

did

she do?

She seemed like a very nice girl.

She play with you.

Like a very nice girl.

Stinks.

Nice girl, however stinks.

Well, I don't understand.

It's not so hard to understand.

Her playing very polite.

Did she make mistakes?

Mistake? No.

It say E flat, she play E flat. Bing, bing. She plays the right note.

Always. Well, I don't understand.

No mistakes.

Look, she's just a kid. I thought you taught these kids to... Ah, non, non,

non, monsieur.

That is what I cannot teach her, huh? I cannot teach her to have the soul.

Voyez, monsieur. Look.

To play the piano is not about the fingers.

We make with the fingers.

What's the music, monsieur?

She come from l'intérieur, from inside.

The music, she start here.

She come out through here.

Then perhaps, perhaps, she can go here.

Like I said, I'm not an expert.

So you can listen to me for... I am expert.

This girl, nice girl, very clever hand.

Nice girl.

I think perhaps someday she can make very good

typist.

Voila.

I stank, didn't I?

He didn't say that.

No, but more or less.

Look, I'm no expert, but there must be a dozen teachers better than this clown.

No, look, really. More qualified.

Goddamn phony.

Really, it's okay.

I'm not interested in playing music professionally.

You know, I'm not sure I want a career at all, and if I did, I'd probably be a

veterinarian.

But I do appreciate your interest.

It was nothing.

Yeah, I wish I'd play better for you, because, you know, I know it would have

made you real happy.

You know what you are?

What?

You're an enthusiast.

Yeah, I really do appreciate the interest you've taken.

I just wanted to make you happy.

Birdie? No, it's really okay. I want to do it. No, it's okay, really. Mr.

Crane, I want to do it!

Mr. Crane! Please don't do that!

Heavens to Betsy, Birdie! Please, Mr. Crane!

Time slows down right before an accident, and I had time to think about

things.

I thought about what an undertaker had told me once.

That your hair keeps growing, for a while anyway, after you die.

And then it stops.

I thought...

What keeps it growing?

Is it like a plant in soil?

What goes out of the soil?

The soul?

And when does the hair realize that it's gone?

I noticed you still have a peace stone in your driveway.

Of course, you have to rejuvenate that every couple of years, don't you?

When the peace stone thins out, where does it go, huh?

Like the odd sock.

Of course, you know where it goes, don't you? You probably pick pieces of it off

your lawn all the time, churn it up with your lawnmower, sweep it off your porch

there, pain in the neck.

Never bothered me.

Well, have you ever considered tarmacadam?

People think it's just for public works and commercial purposes, but we have the

technology now to bring it to the homeowner, the individual consumer, at

very competitive prices.

Mind if I show you the specifications?

Good afternoon, ma'am.

What are you selling?

Well, ma'am, I was just telling your husband here about Tarmacatum for your

home driveway here.

Here's the brochure.

It's the modern way to... Get lost.

Jesus.

Doris. No.

Don't say anything.

I'm fine.

Mr. Crane?

Are you there?

Are you awake?

He's coming around.

Can you talk, sir? These men have to talk to you.

Are you awake, sir?

He's awake. Go ahead.

Are you awake?

Is he awake?

Crane, as soon as you're conscious, we have to tell you that... Is he

conscious? My eyes are open.

Uh, you're under arrest.

As soon as the doctor lets us, we gotta move you.

Does he understand that? We're supposed to tell him.

Are you conscious?

They'll take you to the prison hospital.

Under arrest for murder.

Bertie.

What? What'd he say?

Bertie. Bertie. Uh, the girl.

No, the girl's okay.

Broken clavicle.

That's a collarbone, Crane. It's broken.

She's okay, though.

So he understands, then, that he's under arrest for murder?

Big Dave.

Huh? What?

What? What'd he say?

He said, okay.

Is that what he said?

You're under arrest for the murder of Crichton Tolliver.

Do you understand that?

Does he understand?

The pansy.

A kid diving in a waterhole outside of town had found his car.

They winched it out and found he'd been beaten, just like Big Dave said.

Beaten to death.

Inside his briefcase were the partnership papers I'd signed, showing

that I'd given him ten grand.

For the district attorney, that made it fall into place.

I'd gotten Doris to steal the money.

The pansy had gotten wise somehow, so I had to kill him to cover my tracks.

On the arraignment calendar, people versus Edward Crane. I was in a spot.

You are charged in a one-count complaint.

I called in Freddy Riedenschneider and signed the house over to him.

He said he didn't ordinarily work that cheap, but he figured he owed me

something since the last one hadn't played out.

How do you now plead? We plead not guilty, Your Honor.

I tried to tell him the whole story, but Regan Schneider stopped me.

He said the story made his head hurt, and anyway, he didn't see any way of

using it without putting me on the hot seat for the murder of Big Dave. Trial

date is set for Monday a week.

He told me not to worry, though. He said he'd think of something.

They put me on 24-hour death watch so that I couldn't cheat justice like they

said my wife had done.

But in front of the jury, they had it that Doris was a saint.

The whole plan had been mine.

I was a Svengali who had forced Doris to join my criminal enterprise.

On and on it went.

How I'd used Doris and then let her take the fall.

That stuff smarted because some of it was close to being true.

And then it was Reed and Schneider's turn.

Ladies and gentlemen, members of the jury, citizens of Santa Rosa, we've just

heard from the district attorney a rather lurid description of a truly

despicable man.

I got to hand it to him. He tossed a lot of sand in their eyes.

He talked about how I'd lost my place in the universe, how I was too ordinary to

be the criminal mastermind the DA made me out to be, how there was some greater

scheme at work that the state had yet to unravel.

And he threw in some of the old truth stuff he hadn't had a chance to trot out

for Doris.

He told them to look at me.

Look at me close.

That the closer they looked, the less sense I would all make.

That I wasn't the kind of guy to kill a guy.

That I was the barber, for Christ's sake.

I was just like them.

An ordinary man.

Guilty of living in a world that had no place for me, yeah.

Guilty of wanting to be a dry cleaner, sure.

But not of murder.

Most specifically, this is the barber's dilemma.

For he is modern man.

He said I was modern man.

And if they voted to convict me, well, they'd be practically cinching the noose

around their own necks.

He told them to look not at the facts, but at the meaning of the facts.

And then he said the facts had no meaning.

It was a pretty good speech, and he even had me going until Frankie interrupted

it.

Oh!

What kind of man are you?

What kind of man are you? Move for a mistrial, Your Honor.

What kind of man are you? Move for a mistrial. Well, he got his mistrial, but

the well had run dry.

There was nothing left to mortgage.

Reed and Schneider went home.

And the court appointed Lloyd Garraway, who threw me on the mercy of the court.

Your Honor, we plead guilty with extenuating circumstances.

It was my only chance, he said.

I guess that meant I never had a chance.

He wasn't buying any of that modern man stuff.

Or the uncertainty stuff.

Or any of the mercy stuff, either.

No, he was going by the book.

And the book said, I got the chair.

So here I am.

At first, I didn't know how I got here.

I knew step by step, of course, which is what I've told you, step by step.

But I couldn't see any pattern.

Now that I'm near the end, I'm glad that this men's magazine paid me to tell my

story.

Writing it has helped me sort it all out.

They're paying me five cents a word, so you'll pardon me if sometimes I've told

you more than you wanted to know.

But now all the disconnected things seem to hook up.

That's the funny thing about going away, knowing the date you're going to die.

And the men's magazine wanted me to tell how that felt.

Well, it's like pulling away from the maze.

While you're in the maze, you go through willy-nilly, turning where you think you

have to turn, banging into the dead ends, one thing after another.

But you get some distance on it, and all those twists and turns, why,

they're the shape of your life.

It's hard to explain.

But seeing it whole gives you some peace.

The men's magazine also asked about remorse.

Yeah, I guess I'm sorry about the pain I caused other people.

But I don't regret anything.

Not a thing.

I used to.

I used to regret being the barber.

I don't know where I'm being taken.

I don't know what I'll find beyond the earth and sky.

But I'm not afraid to go.

Maybe the things I don't understand will be clearer there.

Like when a fog blows away.

Maybe Doris will be there.

And maybe there, I can tell her.

All those things.

They don't have words for here.