Original subtitles

Ah!

Pretty nice up here, isn't it?

Kermit? What if we drift out to sea?

What if we're never heard from again?

What if there's a storm? Or we get struck by lightning?

That'd be neat.

Listen, nothing's going to happen. This is just the opening credits.

Oh. Where are they?

Wow!

The Great Muppet Caper.

Nice title.

Woo-wee!

I'd like to try this without the balloon.

Try what?

Plummeting? Yeah.

I suppose you could try it once.

Termite? Hmm?

How long are these opening credits?

Uh, just about another minute or so.

My ears are popping.

I wonder how far you could plummet before you blacked out.

Well, don't try it, Gonzo. We need you for this movie.

Sure is tempting.

Kermit? Hmm? What does B.S.C. stand for?

I don't know.

Gee, a lot of people worked on this movie.

This is nothing. Wait till you see the end credits.

Kermit? Huh?

Are the credits over?

Uh, not quite.

Nobody reads those names anyway, do they? Sure.

They all have families.

That's it.

The sky is clear.

So, okay.

Well, now, what do we do?

I mean, how does this movie start?

Well, we just pull that rope.

Yes, sir.

There'll be fantasy.

There'll be daring do and stuff like you would never see. Hey, a movie.

Yeah, we're gonna be a movie. Starring everybody.

And me.

There'll be heroes both.

There'll be comedy.

And a lot of fun setting for us to have.

We're gonna start right here!

It's okay, I landed on my head!

Come on!

Hold it!

Go ahead, Comet.

Thank you. See, in this film, me and Fozzie play crack investigative

reporters for the Daily Chronicle.

And Gonzo, he's our photographer.

And it's going to be terrific.

Boy, I wish I were you people seeing this for the first time.

There'll be crooks and cops. There'll be villainy. But with a sun call, we'll fix

it all real easily.

Hey, a movie.

Wow, it's going to be terrific, starring everybody.

And me.

Guys, there's an exciting photo story.

Right this way, young lady.

I'll take a picture of this chicken.

Beautiful.

That's great, Gonzo. Yeah.

Pages or not.

Kermit, I got a great picture of the chicken.

Oh, good.

There'll be mystery and catastrophe.

But it's always fun. You pay the money. Wait and see. They are moving.

It's a story like... It was right under your noses.

Practically bit you on the seat of the pants. There's just no excuse.

I guess this would be a wrong time to ask for a raise.

Raise?

A raise?

I'll give you a raise.

Do you read these headlines?

Huh?

Jewel heist on Main Street.

That's nice, bold print, isn't it?

Yes, it's very easy to read.

Shut up now.

Sorry. Lady Holliday's jewel stolen. That's what it said in the tags.

And here's the herald.

Fashioned queen of London robbed.

And last but not least, here's our cute little banner story.

Identical twins joined the Chronicle staff.

Now, I ask you, what paper would you buy?

I'd read the one that has Dear Abby.

Gee, Mr. Tartanian, when we thought identical twins working on a newspaper

would make an interesting story.

Yeah. Well, it doesn't. Especially since you two guys don't look anything alike.

Well, that's because Fozzie's not wearing his hat. Fozzie, put your hat

back on. Oh, yes, sir.

See?

Oh, yeah.

I can see it now.

But that's still no excuse for blowing the story.

Oh, we'll do better next time.

Next time?

Next time?

What makes you think there's going to be a next time?

Well, if there isn't, it's going to be a real short movie.

Look, the only reason I hired you two jerks was because your old man was a

friend of mine.

Dad spoke well of you two.

Yeah, well, I'm as sentimental as the next guy. That's why I don't want him to

hear this.

You're fired.

Take that thing down off the ceiling.

But, Mr.

Turkinian. Stand up.

Check.

Won't you listen to reason, sir? I'm not listening to anything, and I'm not

giving you your job back. I don't want you to give us anything. We just want to

go to England and talk to Lady Holiday, the woman who was robbed, and we'll

catch those jewel thieves for you. You see, all you have to do is pay our way

to London.

Oh, is that all I have to do?

Well,

we could use some new luggage for the trip.

Luggage? Now, look, Peter, I got a deadline to meet. Yeah, but how are we

going to get to London?

I'll tell you what, Fozzie.

Since you're such an investigative reporter, you figure it out.

I'm fuzzy.

Oh, yeah. Yeah, the hat.

Stop the presses!

Why? What happened?

I don't know. I've always wanted to say that.

Look, you got...

Oh, boy. It must be 50 below in here.

You're lucky. You have fur.

No, no, no. You're the one with the fur. Turn on your light and see for yourself.

Oh, yeah.

I keep mixing us up.

I think I'll read for a while.

I wish I had a book.

Hey, Kermit.

Can you reach the hostess call button? I'm hungry.

They don't serve food in ninth class.

What? $12 and we don't even get a meal?

Hey, could you guys keep it down? I'm trying to watch the movie.

Hey, somebody's coming.

Oh, maybe they're bringing hamburgers. All out for England.

Oh, great. The plane is landing.

The plane?

No, the plane lands in Italy.

You land in England.

Once the forecast was right.

It said it was going to rain cats and dogs.

No, no. We're bears and frogs.

And gonzos.

Whatever you are, whoever you are, welcome to Great Britain. Great Britain?

We're actually in Great Britain.

Oh, no. We'll never get to England now.

You are in England, my furry friend.

This scepter dial.

This jewel of the North Atlantic.

Oh, good. Well, we're going to London, and we were wondering if you could

recommend a nice hotel.

Actually, a cheap hotel.

How cheap?

Free. What?

That narrows the field a bit.

Let's see.

Places where you can park your carcasses.

Bus terminals?

Riverbanks? The Happiness Hotel?

Happiness Hotel?

That sounds great. What's wrong with bus terminals?

Well, thanks a lot for your help, sir.

Hey guys, this is London.

Yeah, London, we made it. Oh boy.

Is that the Eiffel Tower?

Yeah. No. No.

No.

Hey Kermit. Yeah?

Are bears allowed in those fountains?

What? Are bears allowed in those fountains?

No, I don't think so. I need a bath.

This is terrific.

Wow, look at the scenery.

Yeah. It's very realistic.

Hey, what's the name of this river?

I think it's the English River.

Oh.

I'll take a picture of it.

Say cheese.

Did I get my elbow in the shot?

Don't worry. It adds human interest.

But I'm a bear.

Anyone for the Happiness Hotel?

Oh, Happiness Hotel.

That's us.

Yes, we want the Happiness Hotel. Okay.

Wow.

Boy, another crash landing. That was terrible.

Well, we'll just have to do it again.

Oh, look, the Happiness Hotel.

What do you think, guys?

Ah, if that's the Happiness Hotel, I'd hate to see what the sad one looks like.

Excuse me.

What?

We'd like a room.

Really?

Yeah, we'd like to check in.

Somebody's checking in.

Somebody's checking in.

Oh, there's no fire in the fireplace.

There's no carpet on the floor. Don't try to order dinner. There's no kitchen

anymore.

But if the road's been kind of bumpy and you need to rest a spell, well, welcome

home to Happiness Hotel.

Hey, how are you guys fixing to pay?

What are our choices?

A, credit card. B, cash.

C, sneak out in the middle of the night.

We'll take C.

Very popular choice.

If you've got luggage, keep it handy.

But you're running out of luck.

Because the bellhops seem too organized and the elevator's stuck.

Still, if you don't mind friendly animals and can learn to stand the

smell. Well, welcome home to Happiness Hotel.

You know, I may be mistaken, but the bellhops look like rats.

You should see the chambermaids.

You guys live here? Yeah, but only between gigs.

So that means we've been here this time, what, five years?

Well, yeah, but like, okay, you know, our agent, you know, like he says, I

mean, like, things are really gonna break as soon as we get our new

glossies.

What's wrong with the drummer? He looks a little crazed. Oh, he's just upset

about missing the Rembrandt exhibit at the National Gallery.

Renoir!

Oh, there are bugs.

And there are lice.

Sure, we have our little problems, but you'll never beat the price.

You got every kind of critter. You got every kind of... past, but we treat them

all as equals just like any other guest. Though you're cleaner than the others,

still as far as we can tell, we'll be riding to Happiness Hotel.

We'll be riding to Happiness Hotel.

Just fine right there.

Thank you.

Hey, not bad.

Are you sure we can afford this?

Hey, Kermit, I'm getting hungry.

Call room service.

There's no phone.

That's okay. There's no food either. Come on, Rizzo.

All right.

Look, why don't we forget about food and get a good night's sleep? We have to get

up early to interview Lady Holiday.

Hmm. Boy.

I sure could use something from one or more of the basic food groups.

We'll have breakfast in the morning. Right now, let's just be thankful we're

here.

Hey, this is nice.

Can somebody turn out the light?

Thank you.

This is Lady Holliday.

Milan speaking.

Then put him on.

Oh, yes, darling, yes, I'm fine.

I had quite a scare.

thank god i wasn't hurt of course my diamonds were valuable all my diamonds

are valuable now darling i want you to call the united states and tell vogue

they can't have the photographs of the spring line until after the show i'm not

too happy with some of the designs i still have to make some changes

well

i'm looking at three of the gowns now and i can see horrendous mistakes Of

course Paris should be notified.

Carla, the neckline on that gown is too high, don't you think? I rather like the

effect. Do you like looking like an ostrich? Of course not. And Marla, too

many frills and furbelows. I don't think we should strive for the fantail pigeon

log, do you?

And you, darling, that outfit's the fits.

Loose where it should be tight and tight where it should be loose, like the folds

on a turkey's neck. Why would I design such atrocious-looking clothes?

I must be getting senile.

Yes, Lady Holliday?

We have to make drastic changes in the new line before the show tomorrow. All

my girls are going round looking like barnyard animals.

Good heavens, who are you?

My name is Miss Piggy, and I would like to be a high fashion model.

Doesn't surprise me.

Seems to be the way we're heading.

Je ne sais quoi in my portfolio all the way here to London to see you, the one

and only Libby Holliday.

Recommend? Absolutely not.

May I show you my portfolio?

No. Good, here.

You may open it.

Ah, this is me wreaking grandeur.

Being aloof.

Being demure.

Ah, daring.

Interesting range of emotions.

You think so?

Well, as you can see from this small sampling, modeling is my life. It is my

destiny. I shall accept nothing less.

I can offer you a job as a receptionist.

I'll take it! I'll take it! Oh, thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Oh, oh, oh,

oh! Oh, you won't be sorry, I promise. I can tag, I can take shirt on, I can make

coffee. Oh, I can do it all!

Sit.

I can sit. I'm very good at sitting.

Are you quite under control?

Now, I'll be lunching with my brother, Nicky. He's second in command here, and

he's an irresponsible parasite.

But I had to bring him into the business because he squandered his half of the

inheritance, and he has categorically no prospects.

Not that he's grateful. He still gambles and incurs bad debts, uses my charge

accounts, eats my food, and borrows my cars without asking permission.

And certainly he's not to be trusted.

I wouldn't even put it past him to try to steal my most valuable and largest

jewel, the fabulous baseball diamond.

And I don't know why his bow ties are always crooked.

Still in all years, my brother.

Why are you telling me all this?

It's plot exposition. It has to go somewhere.

Anyway, I want you to answer the telephone while I'm gone and straighten

up the office.

Consider it done.

to sweat carry on i'll be back in an hour

oh boy oh boy oh boy oh boy boy oh i am going

to be a famous model oh i'm so happy for me miss piggy you are on your way where

does lady holiday get off calling me an ostrich we'll get even with lady holiday

tonight when we steal her necklace what you're going to wear for the robbery

Where's Lady Holliday's office?

Around the corner to the left. Oh, thank you.

Did you just give directions to a frog? I guess I did.

Smile.

Is that a new photographer?

I think I'm stuck.

Gonzo? Gonzo?

Gonzo?

Gonzo? Paul?

Gonzo, are you okay?

Oh, sure. It was just my nose.

Hey, hey, you guys stay here. I'll find Lady Holiday.

Yes, sir. Hey, Fozzie, come on, get your nose in here. It's really fun.

Mr.

Holiday, did you order a gross of flowered socks?

Oh, what an honor. You're all so wonderful.

Thank you for choosing moi as model of the year.

Oh, I never dreamed when I first began in this business that I...

to reach such lofty heights.

Thank you, thank you.

Excuse me.

So, what do you think about the drapes?

Personally, I'd rather see shutters. Yes, and on this wall here.

Lady Holiday?

Hey, are you okay?

I don't think I'll ever be the same.

Pardon?

Oh, I mean, I don't usually fall like that.

I thought it was a very nice fall. It was quite graceful, actually.

My name is Kermit the Frog, and I've come all the way from America to

interview you for the Daily Chronicle.

Me? Why me?

Oh, because you're Lady Holiday.

Oh. Oh, yeah, right.

Reason enough.

Um, you want to help me out of this wastebasket?

Oh. Oh, yeah. Yeah, just pull.

Okay.

Harder. Okay.

So, listen,

can I ask you a couple of questions now?

No, no.

I'm not here.

So busy. So much to do.

Well, perhaps we could have dinner tonight.

Yes. Fine. See you then.

I'll pick you up at your house. It must be beautiful.

I'm sure it is.

I mean, sure it is.

Yeah. So, where do you live?

Probably some Highbrow Street somewhere?

Highbrow Street!

Absolutely right!

Highbrow Street!

How did you guess? Are you a psychic?

But now, guess what number?

I don't know.

Number 17?

Yes, all right, 17 Highbrow Street. Okay, I'll pick you up at, shall we say,

8 o'clock?

9.20. 4.15.

Seven o'clock.

Okay, that was easy. Yes, easy.

Okay, well, I'll see you later.

Yes. Eight o'clock.

Seven. Seven, seven.

Well, um, goodbye.

Yes.

Adios, mon chéri.

Much obliged.

So, Kermit, tell me, what about Lady Holiday?

I mean, is she pretty?

Oh, yeah. Not at all what I expected.

Nice eyes, sturdy legs, and it might have been my imagination, but I think

she found me attractive.

Oh.

Taxi! Well, of course she found you attractive.

It runs in the family.

Taxi!

Taxi!

I don't know why the cabs won't stop.

Just leave it to me.

That's very effective.

Yeah, it's great when it works.

Did you want me to stop or what?

Thank you very much, sir.

Oh, you can call me Beauregard.

Where are you guys going?

The Happiness Hotel.

Oh, good. That's where I'm going.

How do you get there?

Haven't you ever been there?

Of course, I live there.

I just don't know how to get there.

The street down this street.

Okay.

Okay, good. Now just keep going straight.

Will do.

It takes a while to get to know the town.

How long have you lived in London?

All my life.

How come you don't have an English accent?

Hey, I'm lucky to have a driver's license.

up ahead there on the right what is the happiness hotel oh yeah what's your room

number i don't know we're on the second floor oh i'm sorry i can only take you

as far as

You can never find a cab when you need one.

Can we do that again?

Well, thank you very much, Beauregard.

You're welcome.

Hey, how do I get out of here?

I suggest you make a U-turn.

Right.

If you'll excuse me, I'm going out to dinner. That's right.

Kermit's got a date with Lady Holiday.

You don't have to tell everybody.

Oh, right.

Pop, don't tell anybody. Kermit's got a date with Lady Holiday.

Kermit's got a date with Lady Holiday?

Oh, wow.

Wait till I tell the guys in the band.

Tell us what.

Yeah, what's going down?

Kermit, don't worry. It won't go outside this room.

Here is a Muppet News flag.

Kermit the Frog to date Lady Holiday.

Details at 11.

Smile.

Local poultry.

Boy, it's a good thing you didn't tell everybody where Lady Holiday lives.

Otherwise, they'd all be camped on her doorstep.

That is just for you and me to know, brother.

We are going to have ourselves a time tonight.

Waka-waka!

We? What do you mean, we?

The two of us. You missed the spot. Anyway, when we get there tonight, just

act natural.

She's a lady, but that's okay. Wait a second. It's when I get there. See, this

is my day with Lady Holiday.

I'm going alone, so it's me, not we.

I see.

Fine.

Boy, I wish I had whiskers.

Of course, then I'd have to use a blade.

Kermit, turn around.

Are you really going to go without me tonight?

Well, Fozzie, I figure this is something that I have to do alone.

No problem.

Oh, good.

Now, just hand me my cufflinks.

Yes, sir. And straight my tie.

Just drench me in rich cologne and don't ask me why.

Go on and pluck me a boutonniere. You're moving up and walking on air.

Stepping out with a star and feeling high.

Come polish my wingtips and call for the car.

I'll sweep her right off her feet wherever we are.

A satin collar and velvet vest.

i never settled for second best stepping out with a star said times bye-bye have

i got style have i got taste on someone

else i swear this savoir fair would be such a waste

come toss me

my top hat sir i'm ready to fly

Busting into the upper crust as easy as pie.

Just watch my dreams come true.

This is something I was born to do.

Stepping out with a star, that star is you.

Hello?

I got questions. Have you got shit?

Have I got shit? To think that you and me were nobody.

Why only last week?

Hey, guys!

I'm ready to float!

Comet! Well, at least I can try.

Just watch my dreams come true.

This is something I was born to do.

Well, how do I look?

Which one are you?

I'm the one on the right.

Oh. Well, you look like you're going to have a terrific time.

Without me.

Oh.

Ozzie?

What?

You can come.

You mean it?

Oh, boy!

Great news, Jang.

We can go.

Awfully disappointing weather today.

Hmm?

The weather.

Awfully disappointing today.

Is it?

Is it?

Yes. Yes, yes, I know what you mean.

It was

rather disappointing yesterday.

And the day before.

What is it, Neville?

Um, uh, uh, pig.

Um, light me up the, uh, the outside of the house, please.

Oh.

Next time anyone stunts, they get a double.

The day before that was awfully disappointing, too.

And, of course, the weekend was perfectly frightful.

Never stopped raining.

Neville.

Am I boring you?

What, dear?

I said, am I boring you?

Boring me?

That's a good one. I'm having the time of my life, dear.

Mabel, did you say a pig was climbing up the outside of the house?

Yes, yes.

Yes, I believe I did, yes.

I thought so.

Oh, you'd have to look a long way to find a chap who was more stimulated than

I am, yes.

Oh, dear me, no, no, no.

I was bored and never buy you, my little armada.

What is that?

Just making a point. I mean, if I was bored, I'd go out and buy something,

wouldn't I? Like cheese or quail things.

Something like that.

Yes, I suppose you would.

Yes, of course I would. It's the sort of spur-of-the-moment fellow I am.

What?

Uh, what, dear?

What would you buy if you were bored?

jar of Carlsfoot jelly?

I'd like to come with you and help you pick one up.

Oh, that isn't necessary, Dorcas. There's no need for you to leave the

house. I wouldn't mind.

Haven't been outside for 12 years.

Well, the weather's been most disappointing now.

Still, there's no reason for me to stay here all the time.

Children are gone.

The pets are dead. The butler's been discharged.

No one ever visits us.

That was the doorbell, Neville.

So it was.

And the butler's dead.

No, no, no.

The pets are dead.

The butler's been discharged.

Ah.

I think one of us should answer it, Neville.

Oh, dear.

Or we could both answer it. Oh, come, dear. I think it's necessary for both of

us to... I'll answer it!

You said the pets were dead.

Hello. Hi.

This is for you.

Oh, thank you.

Shall we go?

You know, I've never been inside a real ritzy English house before.

Aren't you hungry?

Sure, but we've got a few minutes.

Okay, let's take a few minutes.

Hey, nice place you got here.

Yes, I practically stole it.

Um, let me show you around.

Who was that guy back there?

Oh, just some sort of servant.

This, of course, is the drawing room.

Did you decorate this place yourself?

I'll just close the door. It's very drafty.

Oh, here,

I want to show you something. This is the closet.

Nice. Dark but nice.

Sorry. Don't think me rude, but is there, in fact, anything I can do for

you at all?

Um... Yes.

Yes, yes.

You may suggest a nice restaurant.

Ah, well, there's the Dubonnet Club. Actually, it's not so much a restaurant,

more of a supper club.

Ah, thank you, Jeeves.

Time for cocktails.

Evening.

Why are you staring into the closet, Neville?

Ah, you recall that pig I mentioned?

The one that was climbing up the side of the house? That's the chap. That's the

chap. Yes, I seem to recall that. Well, he was in there just now, along with a

lizard. I see.

And what did they want?

Name of a good restaurant. I told them the Dubonnet Club.

That's more of a supper club than a restaurant. Yes, well, I tried to tell

them that.

Don't blame yourself.

No.

No.

The one's on the fender.

I need to-

At a classy place like this, you'd think they'd have pretzels on the table.

Well, what's the logical menu?

What?

Nothing. It's just sort of amusing that the roast beef is the same price as an

Oldsmobile.

You come here often, Lady Holiday?

Oh, only on special occasions.

And this is very special, Kermie.

Waiter! Champagne!

Hey, Kermit, how are we going to pay for this?

We got about $1,600 on you.

Hey, relax, Kermit. I'll take care of it.

Say cheese!

There you go, folks. Souvenir photograph.

Just give me your name and address and $10.

Lady Holliday, such a pleasure to see you. Thank you, Stanley.

What a lovely diamond necklace.

It is rather breathtaking, isn't it?

I thought it a little outré, but my brother Nicky insisted that I wear it.

Your table, Lady Holliday. Thank you, Stanley. Give Stanley a tip, Nicky.

We're complimenting you on your necklace? No, because it's customary.

I don't have any change. Then give him something bigger.

Bigger? I left my wallet at home.

You left your wallet in college.

How about you folks? Souvenir photograph?

No, thanks. No picture. Oh, come on. It'll be a great memento for you and

your wife.

My wife isn't feeling very well.

Oh, that's too bad. Maybe she should be at home.

My wife is at home.

Yes! Next table!

That caviar was yummy!

Fish eggs, right?

Uh,

Lady Holliday?

Oh, yes, hmm?

Uh, can we talk about the jewel robbery now?

Oh, Comet, that does not talk business.

Music is in the air, the night is young, and I am so beautiful.

What jewel robbery?

Uh, your jewels, the ones that were stolen.

You know, if you put enough sugar in this stuff, it tastes just like ginger

ale.

Catch you later, Stan.

Aren't you happy we're here?

I have grave doubts about wearing these jewels.

I feel as if thieves were breathing down my neck. Thieves aren't breathing down

your neck. I want to put them in a safe.

No. Yes. Yes, I meant yes. Why would I say no when I meant yes?

Go and see Stanley. Go and see Stanley? Go and see Stanley immediately.

All right, if that's what you want.

Don't forget to tip him.

Yeah. Yeah.

The first time you see Hannibal from the blue

Just something so quiet that's waiting for

you With no one to tell you where you've got

to go The first time

The first time you see her, no magical change.

No angels appearing, no dreams to arrive.

Oh, she's fantastic!

Nikki, that's my new receptionist dancing out there. Which one? The pig.

She's sensational.

45 words a minute. About average.

I spilled ketchup all over my cummerbund.

Straighten that tongue.

It's Lady Holliday. Her necklace. It's been stolen.

Holliday? What I thought... Kermit, I think I've got a picture of the thief.

Oh, great.

This is great, Gonzo. You pop the flash just before the soup landed on his tie.

Yeah, well, photography's an art.

You gotta have the right film, you gotta have the right exposure, and you gotta

scream just before they get the food to their mouth.

What's going on in there?

A lot of folks out here want to use the restroom.

Well, we're developing these pictures. We'll be out as soon as we finish.

We're trying to catch a jewel thief.

A jewel thief.

Well, catch him in another room. People are dancing up and down on...

There's got to be a picture of somebody taking Lady Holiday's necklace.

Well, I don't know. I still think that pig took it.

Oh, she wouldn't steal.

Why not? She lied.

That's two different things. Besides, she couldn't have stolen the necklace

because she was dancing.

That's right.

There's that old adage. You can't dance and steal at the same time.

No, that you can't walk and chew gum at the same time.

Oh, no, I think it's you can't pat your head and rub your stomach at the same

time. What's the difference? She didn't steal the necklace.

I'll bet you I can do it. Do what? Pat my head and rub my stomach at the same

time. Big deal. Anybody can do that.

Would you guys cut it out? We're wasting time.

Hey,

here it is.

What? What? What? What? Oh, look at that. It's that guy sitting next to Lady

Holiday and those girls standing in the back. It's...

Probably the same gang that pulled that first job. Wow!

Yes, and we got them with their hands in a cookie jar.

Hey, what's going on?

The cookie jar.

No, Christine, that's a frog.

Bears wear hats.

How you doing, young fella?

Uh, okay, I guess.

Any for your thoughts?

Well, it's a long story.

But a familiar one, I bet.

Older than the hills.

I've been there, my friend. I've been there and back.

You know, I see the way you're sitting here, and I see the way you got your

hand around that little Phil, and that's all I need. I know your whole story.

You do?

Absolutely.

I know exactly what happened to you.

What?

Well, I tell you, friend, what happened was you and your brother-in-law,

Bernie...

You cashed in your stock certificates and your insurance policy, and you went

out and bought a dry-cleaning establishment.

Now another place opens up down the street, and it's charging less, and

they're getting the stuff out faster because they got more help. It's not

your fault, right?

All right, so Bernie comes to you. He says, I want you to buy me out. He says

he's fed up. Well, you kids are growing up. You never see him.

and all of a sudden they're turning into juvenile delinquents and your wife is

saying to you listen you care more about this lousy business than you care about

me and the equipment breaks down and your sister moves in with you because

that jerk bernie he went and joined the circus well you had it up to here right

you didn't know what to do so what did you do you did the only thing you could

do you dumped the business for us all and who did you sell it to who You sold

it to that jerk down the street, that slob that had been burying you for a

year. Then you took whatever money you had left and you sunk it into the glass

slipper business.

That's your story, my friend.

Not a happy one, is it?

You know, it's amazing. You are 100% wrong.

I mean, nothing you've said has been right.

Oh, yeah?

Well, how about this?

I hate to be rude, but we're trying to do a movie here.

Oh, yeah?

Mm-hmm.

Oh, I didn't know that. Gee, I'm sorry.

Listen, one thing, son.

Would you like to buy a watch?

No.

Movie stars.

You danced yourself, turkey.

Hey, you.

Whoa,

whoa, whoa.

If it isn't the fake Lady Holiday.

Hello.

Hello? Last night, you never even said goodbye.

Oh, Kermit, that was just silliness.

But you lied to me. You used me.

Well, I saw the way you were dancing with that guy last night.

Oh, Kermit. Well, let me tell you something.

Your dancing partner happens to be a jewel thief. What do you think of that?

You're jealous.

I am not.

You are.

You are, you are, you are, you are.

Oh, Kermit, I'm sorry. Oh, please, please don't go, Kermit. Please, please

don't go. Kermit, please. Oh, please, I'm sorry. Please, please, please.

Piggy, Piggy, hold her. Please, please.

You're overacting. You're hamming it up.

I am not. I am trying to save this movie. Oh, yeah, well, save your

performance instead.

I am playing 800 different emotions.

Well, try to play one of them right.

Oh, oh, look, I have a career of my own. I know all about your career, Pink. I

don't need this lousy duck pond. Sure you don't need a lousy duck pond. Okay,

sure, go ahead and walk, okay? Walk, sure, walk. I'll go ahead and walk.

Listen.

I know you are.

Piggy, I'm sorry.

We've got to get back to the movie, though. All right, all right, all right,

all right.

Truman,

I'm sorry I left you last night at the nightclub.

Well, that's okay, Piggy.

Oh, carry me.

Oh, Piggy.

Pretty day, sunny sky, lovely pictures dance in your eye.

It all seems so right, it all feels so rare.

The summer soft,

sudden breeze, watch the wind play tag in the trees.

The world is so...

to push and we're on the way yes good and we're on

Uh-huh.

just a bush and we're

She's so wonderful.

She certainly seems to know where she's going.

It's time.

All right, everybody, keep it moving. Don't linger.

We just want to give them a hint, a taste, a soup, some appetizers, not full

course meals.

Marie, I don't think we should chew gum.

Stephanie, those false eyelashes are coming unglued.

Those shoes are scuffed. Yes, I know where they are. I'll get them for you.

Just a minute. Sorry. Watch it, buster. Oh, Mr. Holliday, I'm sorry.

Hello.

Miss... Miss Piggy. Miss Piggy? Right.

Of course.

Have dinner with me tonight.

What? Mr.

Holliday, I'm very busy. Can we meet just for a moment? Just one brief

moment, Miss Piggy. Miss... Miss Piggy.

You're a very different looking woman.

I'm so tired of the same type, those tall, thin creatures with the long legs,

the aquiline noses, the teeth like pearls, soft skin.

Yeah, well, I can see where that might make you sick to your stomach.

Please, now.

Please. No, please!

No, please!

Please!

Don't put a door between us.

Oh, comment!

I was, uh, looking for the men's room.

I want you to meet someone. This is Nicky Holliday. Mr. Holliday, this is

Kermit, my special friend.

Oh.

Nice to meet you.

Well, excuse me.

Need I say more?

He's a frog, isn't he?

Yes.

Miss Peggy.

We could have had something.

Very, very special.

Now I can't be responsible for what might happen.

Yeah, well, uh... C'est la vie.

I don't know why you love her like you do.

I don't know why. I just do.

Well, you better snap out of it. And fast.

We've got to plant the goods on her to take the heat off us. I know the plan. I

just wish there was another way.

It is the only way.

Especially now the cops are starting to ask questions. Okay, I'll do my job, and

when I give the signal, you do yours.

Forgive me, Miss Piggy.

Am I dressed right for this?

You look fine, Fozzie. Thank you.

And now, without further ado,

roses, hyacinths, lilac, and bluebells

make up our first fashion.

Pretty nice lines, huh?

Yes, and the dresses aren't bad either.

Here's capricious Carla, a dream in hyacinth blue chiffon with the

classical lure of the white pleated collar and cuffs.

The skirt, a flutter of godets, all complemented by the cloudy folds of

blue, forming the perfect flower-framing hat.

Fantastique, and thank you, Carla.

Pretty good-looking darts.

Yeah, well, I found the white pleated collar alluring, but I was rather taken

aback by the flutter of godets.

And now,

here's delicious Dala in a swirl of apricot silk above a tight bodice with a

cleverly draped décolletage, finishing with roses to match the confection of

flowers and silk on her head, forming a teeny weeny hat.

You've got to go on in her place.

And now, the Lady Holiday swimwear collection.

Hey, Waldorf, wake up.

Here come the bikinis. Oh, boy, we better synchronize our pacemakers.

A cloud of lavender starburst pleating surrounds our next model.

That's a lovely one.

What's this?

I don't think these belong to me. This?

Do you recognize this?

That was my necklace, but where are the diamonds?

Where are the diamonds?

Miss Piggy stole my necklace.

Definitely think twice about it. Come and find out if you'll let me keep the

costumes!

What about your most famous piece of jewelry, the fabulous baseball diamond?

As from Monday, the fabulous baseball diamond will go on permanent display at

the Mallory Gallery.

I shall never have it either on my person or in my possession again.

That's right. It'll be in our possession.

Tuesday at midnight, we'll go to the Mallory Gallery. The baseball diamond

will be ours.

So there I was, back... stage under a table. I was doing a little photographic

essay on kneecaps, and I heard him planning to steal the baseball diamond.

So what's the plan, man?

I already told you. Tuesday midnight at the Mallory Gallery.

So if I want to live on a beach and walk around naked... Oh.

Now, if we want to get Miss Piggy out of jail, we're going to have to catch those

thieves bread-handed. Yes, Bo?

What color are their hands now?

Now,

we're about to embark on a potentially dangerous mission.

There could be physical violence, there could be gunplay, and there's the

slightest chance that somebody might even get killed.

So if anybody wants out, now is the time to say it.

Me too.

Ditto. Hey, don't we have a gig around here or something or somewhere? Yeah,

sorry, I got a dental appointment.

It's like this, Kermit, and I have to go to work all day. We're gonna have

alfalfa spouts and all sorts of good things.

Hold it!

Shame on you.

I thought we were in this thing together.

I'm just as scared as you are, but... This has to be done.

We don't want the bad guys to win.

We gotta do this for justice,

for freedom, for honesty.

Boy, do I feel ashamed.

Me too. I feel like two cents.

I'm back in. You can count on me.

Oh, hey, I was only joking.

Yeah, it'll be a lot of fun to go out there and risk our lives.

All for one and one for all.

At times like this, I am proud to be an American.

Thank you. I knew I could count on each and every one of you.

Fozzie, are you okay?

That took a lot out of me.

Okay, now we don't have any time to waste, so everybody gather around.

And the first thing we have to do is make our plans.

Right.

Or we could get some sleep.

Miss Piggy?

What?

Your lawyer is here to see you.

Lawyer?

I don't have a lawyer. Ah, sure you do.

Little green guy.

Kirby! Ow! No wonder he hasn't come by to see me. He had to finish law school.

Oh, Kirby! Ow!

Two minutes, Peg.

Please, the name is Rosenthal.

I'm your attorney. That's the only way they'd let me in here.

Oh, right.

Oh, I've missed you so.

Rosenthal, it's been an eternity.

It's been 45 minutes.

Time goes slow in the cooler.

Well, I just want you to know that we're going to get you out of here, because

we're going to catch those thieves red-handed.

What color are their hands now?

I don't think this is the time for that type of humor.

When you're in stir, you take the laughs when you can get them, Rosenthal.

Yeah. Well, anyway, just stay put, because we've got a plan, and we're

going to prove you're innocent.

You see, tomorrow night, precisely at midnight, those thieves are going to try

to steal Lady Holiday's baseball diamond from the Mallory Gallery.

And we're going to stop them.

Oh, come and be careful.

Well, don't worry, because I've got Gonzo and Fozzie and all our friends

from the Happiness Hotel to help.

Those clowns? Mm-hmm.

Great. I'll be stuck in the big house for life.

Big house?

Is that prison talk?

Yeah, big house, squealer, slammer. That's the lingo we use here in the

joint.

Yeah, well, you may talk tough, Miss Piggy, but underneath, I know you're

still the same beautiful, sensitive, vulnerable woman I was out with the

other night.

The one who scarfed down all that caviar.

Oh, you have such a way with words.

I love you.

You're wearing my mustache.

Yeah, well, you have mesh marks on your face.

Glass cutter. Check.

Nylon rope. Check.

Computer to programmer.

Check.

Stopwatch. Check.

Pocket laser. Check.

Infrared reflex.

Check.

Word will detonate her. Check.

Whoopee cushion.

I think it's in the bus.

Rubber raft.

It's got holes in it.

Bag of chickens.

Fake vomit.

It's on or...

Crispy. Oh, uh, lost.

Schematic drill. Check.

Computer printout. Check.

Radar gun.

Check.

Walkie-talkies. Check. Check.

Wax lips.

Man, I just had them.

Did you leave them in your other pants?

I don't have no other pants.

Yo-yo? For sure.

Harpoon gun? That's you.

Check.

All right.

Let's go for it.

Peanut butter?

Animal ate it.

Sorry.

Well, Kermit, I guess that's it.

All right, everybody.

Let's go for it.

You guys all got your disguises in place?

Wow!

Ralph,

hand me the blowtorch.

Blowtorch? Who said anything about a blowtorch? I got some paper towels.

How are we supposed to cut through the bars if nobody brought stuff to cut

with? I brought some hot mustard. Maybe that'll eat through the bars.

Eat through the bars?

Animals? Hey,

why don't you see if you can eat through these iron bars?

impregnable fortress many miles from here.

Oh, I only have a half an hour to get there. On foot? You'll never make it.

I know. How about a ride?

You can read, I presume.

No passengers.

Oh, couldn't you make an exception for little old moi?

Not even for little old vous.

Pretty please?

No.

I've tried to be nice.

What's all the racket?

What are you doing here?

A very brief cameo.

Me too.

one this is ham hock do you read me loud and clear ham hock this is dirty bird

what's your 20 over well good buddy we're westbound on a high game any

smokies between me and blimey town negatory ham hock you're free and clear

10-4 dirty bird much obliged we got the hammer

I've never ordered no pepperoni. It's right here on the slip. Medium pepperoni

with double cheese.

That's right.

We don't make them. We just deliver them.

Somebody here called Pizza Twins, and that's us.

What's the name of that slip?

What's your name?

Henderson.

That's it. That's the name on the slip.

But I ate pepperoni.

I'll eat it.

Stand by, guys. Right.

Here,

just one moment.

Can I see that slip?

Uh, well, um...

Actually, this is a wrong slip. Yeah, that's a slip, sir. You said it had my

name on it. Oh, that's a slip.

That's a slip we left at the home. But we got a pepperoni.

But I hate pepperoni.

How about you could feed it to the dogs? Oh, yes, that's all right. Here, sir.

Oh, that's very thoughtful of you. Thank you very much, sir.

Hey, Fozzie.

Fozzie, how do we get in?

Why don't we just ring the doorbell?

No, no, no. There's got to be another way.

Yeah, well, you better think of it pretty quick. Those dogs have nearly

finished the pizza.

I know. The roof.

Oh, man. No way we'll ever get up there.

having any fun let me talk to him wolf wolf wolf wolf

it helps to know a second language

What an unbelievable coincidence.

Now, this window probably has an alarm system on it. Ah, my assistant Beaker

will check it out.

Go on, Beaker.

Good, Beaker. Now it's perfectly safe.

Oh, good.

Animal, do your stuff.

Sorry.

There it is. The fabulous baseball diamond.

How are we gonna get down there?

I suggest we jump.

Are you crazy? That's about a hundred feet.

I didn't say it was a good suggestion.

Maybe we could jump part way.

Oh, boy, what are we doing now?

Oh, we're just gonna have to go down there and catch those thieves red

-handed. What color are their hands now?

We'll just have to improvise.

We'll make a ladder out of whatever will hold us. Good idea.

Here's the paper towels.

I'm coming for me!

Well, you wanted excitement.

Excuse me. I don't think that belongs to you.

Hey,

nice catch, animal.

Over here, Ralph.

Yeah, got it.

Hot potato. Keep away.

Here we go.

I got it.

Thank you. Be careful, guys.

That's it.

This is Louis Gazzagher with a play-by-play of the game. And it looks

like ladies' night here at the gallery.

Witchy witchy beaker.

pure and simple uh excuse me mr holiday sir uh would you let kermit go if you

hold him too long he'll just give you a watch oh no he's coming with us come on

girls let's get out of here

I really did care for you, you know. I know.

We could have had the world on a silver platter.

That silver's turned to iron bars, Nicky.

Don't hate me, Miss Piggy.

Oh, I don't. It's just that somehow along the road, I found out the

difference between wrong...

They're heroes.

Now they're going to be obnoxious. So what else is new? Well, I say all's well

that ends well.

Well, it doesn't matter to me as long as it ends.

It was nice of the Chronicle to pay for our flight home.

Yeah, but a man should be treated better than his luggage.

Yeah, well, my luggage was sucked out the door.

Luckily, my radio's frozen to my wrist.

Okay, guys.

Everybody out for the USA.

Oh, boy.

Hey, how close are we? Oh, about 30,000 feet.

You mean?

Yep.

We've had comedy.

We've had mystery.

Had a real good time and solved a crime real easily.

Hey, a movie. I just can't believe they did it. Starring everybody.

And me.

There was spectacle.

There was fantasy.

Where we took a chance. And saw romance and happily.

In a movie.

I just love a happy ending. One for every.

Hold it right there!

Don't go home yet!

Say cheese!

I'll send you each a copy.