Original subtitles

[Music]

oh

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all the secret Backes Beverly Hills Yes

you heard me folks Beverly Hills map hey

hey come on maps maps hey get your Maps

here movie stars home m

m hey map right here get your map

[Music]

hi this is Jess Mariner please leave her

messages when you hear the beep but

before you do here's today's selection

from scripture it's the golden oldie the

five stages in the career of an actor

first stage who is Jess Mariner second

stage get me Jess Mariner third get me a

Jess Mariner type fourth get me a young

J Mariner fifth who is Jess Mariner kind

of makes you stop and think doesn't it

anyway start talking when you hear the

beep I'll be back later it's a typical

day for me I'm accepting another award

I'm

overwhelmed I can't tell you how honored

I am by this award I mean just being

nominated was enough but for an actor to

win a prize for the body of his work at

such a young age I I must say it makes

you feel kind of humble and to be on

National Television like this with

millions of people watching around the

world by satellite well I must say it's

a culmination of a dream and now that

I'm up here I'd like to thank my mom and

dad for all their faith and

encouragement my High School Drama

teacher Mrs jacn mendz and of course all

those fantastic people behind the camera

who make us look good I mean without

their help

just checking the acoustics

[Applause]

[Music]

how long you been out here what New York

plates oh couple weeks got an agent yet

working on it why do I come out that

much like an

actor takes one to no

one so how are things around here tight

no wide open jobs wine women well I

can't be as tight as New York what the

hell I'm good that's the trouble

everybody body's good hang in

there hi this is Jess Mariner I'm not in

right now and I'm not supposed to say

that because you might break in and

steal my

crugar hi Jess this is Stephanie Mr

Sawyer's office you have an interview

today at 3:15 at Universal please call

me and confirm

it it's Stephanie again the interview's

been changed to four can you make it

call

me Henry fa Jess I don't want to put

this on your machine but I'll be out of

the office and you won't be able to

reach me I'm afraid it's bad news your

wife's attorney called she filed this

morning what let's get together and talk

about it I'm sorry I really am I'm as

surprised as you are oh and Jess do us

both a favor and don't try to see her

under the circumstances I wouldn't recom

a

minute it's Steph this is crazy but

they've switched you to five can you

make it I'll be in the

office you may find this hard to believe

but about 40,000 years ago none of this

was here there were no buildings no

streets and it was just this this big

lake of

tar most of the animals that used to

come here they don't even exist anymore

they would get stuck in the tar and they

would slow sink below the surface this

is a statue obviously of one of the

animals and he's trying to get out kind

of sad isn't it he isn't an elephant but

he's an uh ancestor of the elephants you

see in the zoo he's a mammal and we all

know that means one of the highest in

vertebrates uh

they're they're nourished by their

mother's

milk uh the m shons we're wandering

around this very spot about 40,000 years

ago would you take the kids out to the

museum I'll be up in just a minute okay

we're going to the museum now gang and

then we're going to eat so get your

[Applause]

lunches I just love the way I find

things out not from you not from my

lawyer from a machine this is not the

time or place just tell me why all of a

sudden a trial separation gets official

I have a class Jess right priorities

class first marriage

second I'll come over

tonight

no why booked up Carol I think I deserve

an explanation and if we have to do it

in public you let go of me I'm on a

field trip I'm supposed to be

responsible for other people's

children

sorry you could have called I know but

you didn't I want to avoid something

like this so when do we talk about it oh

it was inevitable there's there's no

point in delaying it when do we talk

about it do you want me to make an

appointment oh come on Saturday Sunday

you're pressing me well I tend to get a

little pushy when people knock the wind

out of me and since you always said you

weren't in any hurry look you want to

talk we'll talk all right but give me a

couple of days huh next week so time

fine

fine what I'm on a field trip I'm

responsible for other people's children

well I am I love the line reading

somewhere between Helen Hayes and Queen

Victoria I'm on a field

trip I love you

I have to go I'll call you next week's

some

time on Monday I I'll call you Monday

fine show's over go bother somebody

else go to

hell all right

[Applause]

[Music]

and then I went over here and I

said Thank you thank you for coming oh

thank you thank you I really appreciate

it if you don't like the pictures I'm

getting some new ones next week I can

drop them all for you and if you if you

need them any sooner just let me know

I've got the contact sheets thank you so

much

I guess you want this back

huh I had a choice between coming here

or a root canal

work have a nice day

byebye

is Jeff come on in

Marty this is my choice now that's my

decision I'm making right uh Jess this

is our director s delinger oh hi nice to

meet you I heard a lot about you and the

producer right oh don't worry about him

he never gets off the phone I'll be with

you in a second Marty you don't shmear I

tell you you don't shmear well I got to

get back to my cell they've got me

casting three series everybody's got the

flu uh don't forget me Harry oh as if I

ever would yes treasure him sigh will

not only does he give good office not

only is he gorgeous please pleas he's

talented Vanishing breed you bet listen

to me S I know what I'm talking about

I've been around long time I know you

have Harriet wow

Morty you're giving me flutters Morty I

don't like this well Harry it's a real

fan of yours oh I'm her illegitimate son

well even if you were I don't think it

would help with Harriet have a seat Jess

thank you pH thank you very much Phil

we're backing up Marty all right wait

all right listen let going to call you

I'll call you back I'll call you back

right

sorry you do feel just Mariner yes I

know you the only decent thing in

Ricochet you mean somebody actually

watch that I watch them all so help me

God Sor uh just did a series what was it

two three uh 3 years ago 3 years ago

yeah Ricochet ran for one season you

played a what what else a cop

a cop right it wasn't much of a show but

I bet you get a lot of exposure out of

them yeah oh sure so why am I unemployed

well that's that's cyclical right me and

the brasero cyclical no that's that's

seasonal cyclical brero

that b no do that cyclical cyal life is

Cy I can't believe I'm listening to this

conversation you guys look uh Jess Phil

has the advantage of me I've never seen

your work before if you could just tell

me a little bit about yourself oh sure

yeah

what New York theater trained Off

Broadway a few Broadway things okay you

win I should have brought my resume but

today was kind of a hassle H anyway I

came out about 5 years ago I've done

pretty much the usual show on your head

uh look Jess I've got to tell you this

isn't a very big part no small parts

small actors yeah I know I don't want to

insult you it's uh it's really just a

bit if you rather wait until we have

something better to offer you let's uh

let's take a shot a bird in the hand

right yeah all right as long as you

don't mind reading it's just I've never

seen work sorry we don't have to have

him read I know he's work yeah well I

mean I'd like to have him just read a

few scenes yeah but I know he's work why

waste the time we have so many people 5

minutes s it's not necessary I know his

work come on I mean look couple minutes

look I really don't uh mind reading fine

okay listen fine everybody fine yes good

all right you've got the side there

right you got blue P yeah the whites are

almost the same thing know where to

start yeah I'll call you in

God I am interrupting your secretary's

in the John uh what can we do for you

dear uh I uh I left my person I have the

other appointment I need my car keys you

didn't start you did you no oh boy if

somebody barged in on my me I thought it

would blow my concentration for a week

it's all right really it's just I have

this other appointment is this your

person here oh yes oh thank you oh um I

get so nervous at readings my mind goes

blank I I am so embarrassed I am sorry

uh when I'm a star I'm going to make it

up to you anything you want don't hate

me okay it's just your secretary's in

the John there no problem do you have

everything you need I I think so

actually it's just my

purse well

bye sorry Jess uh why don't you take a

couple of minutes uh no it's all right

really uh what page

hey I thought you had an appointment I

lied so what'd you do knock them dead

yeah

right I hope I didn't throw you a curve

coming in like that oh no don't worry

about it see I had this crazy idea they

always talk about you right after you

leave the office passing judgment you're

either a little too nervous or a little

too flaky or you're the wrong type or

sometimes God forbid they may even like

you so I've always felt that if I could

just find out what they say about me if

I could listen in then maybe I might

learn something like why they keep

turning me down maybe it's better we

don't know then how can we improve how

are we supposed to get better if they

don't tell

us rules of the game uh good luck on the

next

one I bugged them what I turned it on

before I went in there that's why I left

my purse

[Laughter]

behind oh I love it yeah score one for

our side

hey

uh hey are you all

right

nope but I learned though boy did I

learn what it comes down to I mean they

had this very high level discussion of

craft and ability and what it comes down

to is they think I'm too

ugly I gave a nice reading I really did

but they don't like the way I look isn't

that enlightening there's nothing wrong

with the way you look I'm up for the

part of a waitress what do they want

Miss

Universe you want some free

advice don't erase that you got to be

kidding no I mean it listen to it take

it home and play it till you're sick to

death of it till it BS you to tears

until it doesn't mean anything

anymore and then when I have my

self-esteem back can I go out and eat an

entire chocolate cake sure why not there

are a lot of fat waitresses in the

[Music]

world you hang in there

[Music]

Ben s Jess you got the part your call's

at 9:00 but they want you in wardrobe at

6:30 and uh they've asked you not to

shave they want stubble on your face

sounds kinky

[Music]

CH it seems to me as though I've lived

for 90 years

already I call upon

you I kiss the earth on which you have

walked wherever I look I see your

face that tender

smile that lighted

up the best days of my

life over that's

it anything you want to say anything in

particular you were working toward uh no

um I just want a reaction did the

emotion Carri was he real that I handled

addiction all right

comments by this uncharacteristic

silence can it be we're not used to

czecho can we only critique an actor

when he's in a naturalistic mode yes I I

really liked it liking isn't enough it

isn't helpful specifics well I really

got the intensity he really uh wants her

and that came through for me and even

though it's a Russian play I didn't feel

any barriers it was uh not foreign

dissenting vote you're brand Marco I'm

new then perhaps we'll get a fresh

perspective go ahead oh when the seagull

opened in St Petersburg it was a flop

they had the wrong actors everybody was

doing a star turn and I think that

that's what the problem is in what way

well he's up there by himself he's not

interacting with the actress yeah but

it's his scene then he should do it

alone but the point is he's got another

human being on stage with him and he

doesn't know that she's there I was

playing right to her at her oh look

you're good we all know that so do you

but you're faking it you're getting by

on charm there's no

reality I'm sorry if I can't say how I

feel I shouldn't be here oh no no listen

just to answer one question yeah why

don't you come down off the fence

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for

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Harry har Harry you want me to go get

him

[Music]

no he'll come back later come

[Music]

on hey how you doing you're looking

pretty good huh he glad to see me huh

you're looking good looking good how's

she treating you huh she get your

shots hold it down hold it down better

get out of

here yeah you better better get out of

here go on go

on go on Harry sh sh get down go on

Harry inside Harry get in

there Harry

inside Harry go on in there

[Music]

[Music]

[Music]

you with

somebody well since you like my work so

well why don't I join

you bu here from class they just left

some of them went over to The Comedy

Store not you I'm not fond of comedians

uh can I have one of these

please did you smoke uh no they have a

machine no I'm down to one a

day excuse me

say it say

what all right you're really put me away

in class

tonight was I wrong could have been a

little more constructive what did I do

diminish you in the eyes of your peers

hey look I don't even know you why are

you dumping on me now or then now still

look just relax smoke your

cigarette I had a bad day join the club

look I've seen your work and you can be

pretty good and and tonight you weren't

so I said

so have it bothered you so much why are

you sitting here I don't know usual

reason what's the usual reason animal

attraction tell me something why haven't

you made

it oh you've got the kind of look that

they're buying and you've been out here

for a while I really need this okay I

was only but what the hell's making it 6

weeks of work every year 8 weeks 15 I

mean I don't know what you're talking

about I have made it I get along just

fine I pay my bills and nobody's

disconnected my phone okay I'm sorry you

want the standard cop outs I mean bad

luck bad timing bad marriage bad

agent you're

divorced up any children

no I just had an abortion

what I said I just had an abortion what

am I supposed to say to that nothing

you're not supposed to say anything look

can can you give me a ride home a friend

Dro me off at class in my cars in the

shop fine right and can we go now I I

want to pay for my own coffee hey you're

the

boss I've been working in a boutique for

about 3 months just to get money for

classes commission you know naturally

they never give your salary and they all

come in there to check out the clothes

Catherine Ross Suzanne plette and

they're very sweet and they're very nice

but they work and I don't so it makes

for a certain amount of

hostility it's up there on the

RO walk me to my door it's it's not a

very nice neighborhood

do you want to come in yeah but I can't

what happened to all that animal

attraction it's still there I've got an

early call in the morning oh I'm working

congratulations it's just a bit part oh

you don't have to apologize

I see in class probably

who's there it's

me I thought we said good night yeah

well did we you're working tomorrow

remember it's not tomorrow yeah

maybe it

is we're not going to get hung up on a

technicality are

we it's not that easy to

score it's not that

easy I've been on the streets all

night all

night the KN got the town Zed up but you

can get it 2ks of nose

candy

maybe not at your price listen monkey we

had a deal being watched what guy over

there check you

later cut all right for picture good for

sound yes sir nice work Sam move the

camera in right across here coming

across the telescope looking that way

just a closeup okay let's go work nice

energy yeah it was real good for me all

right we're scene 65 this look is Left

Right can we can we do it again oh it

was great believe me sorry I something

more interesting no R trust me trust me

it was beautiful really coming right

across here you guys going to look down

here and with the telescope in the for

anybody see my script where myt hey he's

behind schedule as long as we're in

Focus he's at

J my God the last person I expected to

see on this blasted Heath and he's

working Max Factor number five from

chint hairline open wide oh no caps or

damn it Jess don't you know you'll never

make it with your own

teeth how are you booby

Olden you know what I like about you

allive you're so self a faceing blend

right into the woodwork don't I well

hell man we're in Showbiz we're Gypsies

and merry trors nobody expects us to act

like normal folk you in this epic Day

part uh let's have no complaints Yours

Truly has one line seven glorious words

thank you very much my mother blinks in

Crescent City Iowa she'll miss the apple

of her ey very nice I talk of my sainted

mother and he yawns ah nothing personal

I'm exhausted I got to get home and get

some sleep had a rough night did we well

there's something to be said for a man

who still makes love to his wife after

uh how many years is it

10 how is old Carol you know I bumped

into her Supermarket a couple of months

ago she looked

terrific well as a matter of fact we're

not living together whoops sorry it's

all right we're trying to work it

out that's the trouble with this town

things are how shall I put it delicately

impermanent now I should learn not to

ask I really am sorry Jess I liked her

Al and really it's all right I mean you

can keep in the present tense she's not

dead is there anything I can do yeah

call her and tell her I'm terrific oh

come on she knows that yes she does as a

matter of fact she does at least that's

what she says what's the problem I don't

know me the life the stress I picked the

wrong profession oh didn't we all

yeah Ken and I broke up oh well it was 2

years that's a long time for

me yeah he went uh he went back East how

do you feel about it

your basic dll ache

sorry enough modland

City come on now look at this I mean

isn't Show Business great oh yeah after

that scene I just played I'm emotionally

drained ah but look at that my name up

in grease pencil not exactly car and

stone is it come on in they're not going

to get to me till CH uh no no I'm going

home

what are you doing tonight you ask me

out oh sweetheart I've told you before

you're just not good-looking enough for

me I'm serious what are you doing aside

from slashing my wrists oh come on man

you can't just sit around the apartment

oh it's exciting a TV dinner Dan Rather

I'm going to leave you an address I want

you there at 10: there are no excuses

Alden the last thing I need is a party a

party would I do that to you we're black

it's a funeral

[Music]

there lies Matt wetherby doctor of

medicine maker of house calls and all

around nice

guy snuffed out fellow mards well before

his time his Gallant Spirit extinguished

when an Irate father found him in bed

with his teenage

daughter but was this Dr wetherby's real

Sin this momentary lapse of moral

turpitude no Matt in fact was betrayed

Dam damn

right betrayed by the neelen families by

those incredible bags under his eyes and

by an audience who wanted someone

younger more attractive this is a eulogy

and so we bid farewell to one more

victim of a dropped

option goodbye

doc re Scott and P and call your agent

in the

morning somebody get the dead man a

drink

[Applause]

best performance I've ever seen you

before I know but I don't want to do it

again sure now stay where you

are you made it good you all right got a

su win good wait a minute I want you to

meet Jim Jim stop talking okay okay

excuse me excuse me ex no not him him

Jim Banbridge just Mariner this is a

good buddy of mine welcome to my wake

condolences oh I had a good run 5 years

bought this house build a pool I admit

it he was sick of the old qu well a

little maybe it shown you he's wallowing

himself P can you blame them for

dropping him who wants to look at this

face 5 afternoons a

week shut up that of course is

impossible I got to go to the kitchen

I'm catering this Fiasco go for it you

look uh familiar I take it you're an

actor guilty did you ever do a soap once

in New York a couple months I quit to do

a play all you're lucky at least you

didn't get written

out well anyway um enjoy yourself have a

drink

[Music]

thanks wow you really are catering this

thing yep tonight's a freebie favor for

Jim most of the time I get paid what is

this uh some kind of sideline sideline

hell if you knew what I was making you'd

die of jealousy here open up open

up tell me it's delicious it's delicious

how long you been doing this I don't

know cooking since I was a kid making

enough money out it for 3 years now I've

got real human beings working for me I B

damn I'm going to tell you a little

secret you know that uh sparkling line

of dialogue I gagged over today um what

was it ah Eddie honest I'll pay you I

swear it are those seven deathless words

eight eight deathless words whatever

point is there my once and for all

farewell to the acting profession what

are you talking about exit Alden Pepper

failed thespian enter Alden Pepper food

Maven big-time Chef successful

entrepreneur Jeff I'm opening up my own

restaurant naturally little man I've had

it with this lousy business it stinks so

as of today I am done Bast

fito but but me no butts no more

humiliations no more scaming around for

parts I don't even

want I don't believe it yeah you better

believe it time I started living my life

like a grown-up Alden you're a talented

actor talented so what who cares you

care no I

don't not

anymore back it's not such a bad idea

take some time off put away some money

we don't seem to be communicating do we

this is not a stop Gap this is not a

detour this is uh permanent capish sure

how much you make last

year M of business when's the last time

you had a part that meant something to

you what is this a multiple choice

question Jess it's a 24-hour hustle it's

it's it's

demeaning opting out is the first

healthy thing I've done in 15 years

staying out will be the second so what

are you going to call this restaurant of

yours J pepper what else what

else Shea pepper few months you're going

to come by I'm going to give you the

best dinner you've ever had on the house

naturally because he won't be able to

afford it now get out of here go home

and curl up with the life of alpacino I

got work to do come on take

off come on get out get on

El

hi Jess it's Steph Mr Sawyer can't get

you in for a reading on that movie of

the week at Fox he says they're looking

for a different type he'll call you on

Monday and fill you

in maybe I'm being a little naive but

the least I expected after last night

was a telephone call nothing excessive

just a hello how are you I enjoyed

myself so something like that or am I

asking too much oh this is Fran by the

way just so you don't get me confused

with any of the

others Jess it's

Carol I've been thinking and it's

probably better if we don't talk to each

other for a while I know I said we could

get together next week but I'm I'm

really not up to it I'm

sorry I'm sorry I didn't tell you I was

going to file I'm I'm sorry about a lot

of things but there's no point to all of

this if we keep seeing seeing each other

let's try to get used to the situation

we could both use a little air

okay

no not okay

[Music]

Jess the ever popular Sunday New York

Times purchased at considerable expense

three bucks nowadays out here in the

bonies how did you Kia are used to live

here remember where is it Harry in the

kitchen I just fed him and speaking of

feeding ice cold

cherries for the

pits Justice is Sunday mornings

Greenwich Village rain on the windows

the Sunday Times bag of ice cold

cherries not bad two out of three didn't

you get my message message what message

oh my machine must be broken where was I

all right Sunday mornings in grenage

Village we were living in sin then

weren't we yeah have a cherry I don't

want you here

Jess the main thing we did though was

make love the paper always waited did

you hear me your mother would always

call yeah Sunday rates were cheaper and

while you were talking to to her I'd be

doing terrible things to you just go

home we're married Scarlet I have

certain conjugal rights oh so tight

you're tight you're unbelievable you're

really unbelievable you know that you

haven't made love in a long time I can

tell you're unbelievable don't you miss

it that's not the point don't you miss

it just a little this isn't fair it

tastes good you you're barge in on me

when I'm half awake it's the best time

and you to force yourself on me oh it's

been so long for both of us nothing we

do now is going to mean anything you

understand

that are you saying something I was

saying that I sh relax I love

you

Jess want to stop

yes oh you son of a

[Music]

for

[Music]

[Applause]

[Music]

two

[Music]

[Applause]

You Kiss It Goodbye

[Music]

tell me having a lousy

time having a l time look at all this

look at this look look what I've done

for you you can still be in Philadelphia

there's nothing wrong with Philadelphia

you can still be in Philadelphia saying

things like a cup of coffee and a

sandwich and married to that stock

broker without a chin he wasn't a stock

broker he was an investment attorney and

he he had a nice chin I saw him least I

saw a picture of him the chinless Wonder

no he had a very nice chin with the

cleft mother loved him that was a kiss

of day I think you're

right you're having a good time right

you're feeling good I'm having a lousy

time so why do you want a divorce well

just don't start it it's a simple

question it's not a simple question I

mean it would make sense if we stop

loving each other that happens to people

but it hasn't happened to

us look if you don't love me anymore I

mean if you could say it to my face if

you could say it to my face then that's

it I'll take a walk no more hassle

that's a promise yes please come on look

if you want me out of your life just

tell me you don't love me anymore and

that's it I think we better go I have

papers to Mark damn man I don't care

about your paper

every time I want to get into this you

you back off I back off because I don't

want to hurt you so hurt me already work

me over at least clear the air are you

saying you don't love me are you say

loving has nothing to do with it what

does I mean all I know is I wake up one

morning you're sitting there drinking

six cups of coffee telling me you want

to try it alone for a while I mean after

10 years what was it you needed space we

have been through all of this I'm an

actor you can't stand living with an

actor that is the most ridiculous

oversimplification I have ever heard

that's what you told me that it's not

what I told you oh you were sucking me

in again I'm only trying look I either

drive me home or I'll go up to the road

and I'll hit you ride I was an actor

when you met me it didn't seem to bother

you then you came backstage in that off

Broadway toilet you practically rap me I

mean I was an actor when I was doing a

series you didn't exactly tell me to

give the money back did you

no

Carol wait a second why am I always

running after you why do I always have

to apologize for the work I

do I'll drive you home

hey just will you wait a second

[Music]

Carol come on this is ridiculous

[Music]

like you to come

[Music]

in sit down

you doing H can I get you something

coffee uh no I'm fine

thanks go

on car don't say anything just

listen I love you very much I always

haar by the way you are an insufferable

egomaniac I never said I wanted to rape

you I just wanted to go out with you you

the most exciting man I'd ever met and I

knew my parents wouldn't approve of you

and that was a large part of your

charm I I said that loving you wasn't

the point and it's

not I'm scared to death at 10 years from

now you're an actor you you're better

than most but being good isn't what it's

about it's about surviving and sucking

up and learning to handle the rejection

now other people can do that but you

can't can I talk now no no

I watch you every

day and it drives you crazy not being

able to do what you care about and it

makes me crazy watching what it's doing

to you you make me sound pitiful not

pitiful but frustrated and angry and

depressed and even even when you're

working you're not happy the part's too

small or it's too stupid or or someone

else gets the girl or someone gets all

the closeups I don't believe I'm

actually sitting here listening to this

and not walking out the door don't you

see you should walk out don't you want

understand you are well rid of me I

can't be supportive anymore I'm getting

very selfish in my old age what is that

supposed to mean it means I want some

kind of stability I want children we can

have children we've been waiting till

I've been established I'm 32 years old

after a while waiting gets to be a

luxury I said we can have children do

you know how much it cost to raise a

child are we prepared for that so it is

the money how long have we been together

have I ever said anything about money

ever no I think what I really can't deal

with anymore is coming home from work

every day to someone that I love very

much who was talented and sensitive and

he's sitting in a bathrobe watching a

game

show well got yourself quite a list I'm

sorry I didn't want to go into that and

what bugs me is why now after all this

time and we've managed you always

believed it would happen for you but

about a year ago you stopped believing

it when you stopped I stopped

what does that leave us what you want me

to do quit you want me to sell used cars

you want me to get a real estate license

you can't quit you shouldn't then what

what do we do I don't

know do what we've been doing uh live

apart for a while but we're not just

living apart you file for divorce where

I come from that's kind of terminal well

maybe it should be terminal yeah well

maybe it should I mean why should we try

to make it work nobody said it might be

a little difficult and it's going to be

a whole lot easier when you got somebody

else to fall back on what your friend

from the other night the guy with a big

car what do you know about I'll bet he

doesn't sit around watching game shows

I'll bet he's up and atam 7 days a week

eight days a week out there with all

those wonderful folks who never saw a

game show in their lives you been spying

on me the next time you should let him

stay more than 5 minutes he might lose

interest then what happens to that

normal life you want get out of here

Jess I'm on my way you tell you Lor I

want custody of the dog you keep the

rest Jam Christmas

[Applause]

morning Jess listen the Metro project's

already cast so they're not seeing

anyone Hill Street is on Hiatus so as

Dukes of Hazard it's slow all over but

things should open up in a few weeks Mr

Sawyer says you should drop by the

office and he'll buy a lunch give me a

call

okay the Great Cooks of this world are

thin an affront to logic but nonetheless

true I am a great cook there go I must

be thin that's called a

syllogism excuse me am I boring you I'm

sorry Alden I wasn't listening I talk

about being somewhere

else Alden where do you suppose I ought

to be right here admiring my

discipline you see I'm not an actor

anymore I don't have to do this then

don't just stop whining oh but I must

but purely for myself of course not for

a part and not for a casting director oh

Jess it's

marvelous I wake up each morning with

the happy feeling that I never have to

audition

again what you do what happens if

somebody doesn't like your food well I

am not a sule I am only the maker of sus

you see there's a profound

distinction all where did you get the

money to open a restaurant

well this may come as a surprise to you

but there are places called Banks I

floated what is known as a

loan now why would they lend money to an

actor we're supposed to be lousy credit

risks they didn't lend money to an actor

they lent money to a successful caterer

plus I've been saving plus I've got a

partner Beverly Hills art dealer who

thinks I'm just cuter than a button

[Laughter]

well keep me in mind maybe someday

you'll need a good

bartender oo this from you just do I

sense a wavering of the

faith well it might be nice once in a

while to know on Monday what I'll be

doing on

Tuesday telephone call for Mr pepper Mr

Alden

Pepper who knows I'm here your creditors

right your

tongue Tre go being paged at the

gym

hello yes yes yes this is here

hold everything all right I don't know

something at the restaurant some kind of

accident what's about who was on the

phone I don't know some guy from the

fire department I could hardly hear what

he was saying hey you want some help

yeah bring arsenic bring cyanite bring

what you want

[Music]

[Applause]

[Music]

oh

[Music]

how do you like

it the new look in restaurants early

World War II

what

happened a gas leak in the kitchen pipes

weren't connected or

something

brother I mean I was coming here right

after the gym I would have smelled the

leak I would have had it fixed but

nope somebody up there said boys we got

to get the laps Catholic so uh there was

a spark and it just it blew how much

damage

enough hold on I'm sorry I really

am I was telling myself how lucky I am

last week I got an early delivery on the

kitchen equipment

microwave refrigerators

ranges you salvage anything no uh

kitchen is completely gutted not to

mention the uh storage room in the the

back

roof at least you have insurance now

it's funny you should mention that you

don't have

insurance I mean what what's that word

AAR on the premium payment no no they

give you a grace period yes they do it

passed so uh I mean putting this thing

in the best possible light I'd say I'm

in big trouble with the bank with the

Beverly Hills art dealer and with what

is laughingly known as the rest of my

life yeah have any

[Music]

suggestions yeah let's go get

drunk very

drunk come

on come on

[Music]

what I really hate about the human brain

is that when you want to turn it off

really check out of this world it

suddenly decides to keep you sober which

is very perverse perverse is it

extremely

perverse very perverse it's extremely

perverse I mean look at me I had a cart

in a beer I can still walk a straight

line I bet I can even pass a bre lator

test Balden you are six sheets to the

wind oh

cont I wonder if they still have dtor

prisons or did that go out with Dickens

oh then don't worry about it you'll

raise the money how I don't even have

change for a parking meter you got any

Rich relatives

[Laughter]

was there something

funny well as a matter of fact I do have

a rich relative my half sister she

married the chairman of the board her an

SOS I can't he died last year so what

she inherited didn't she tell her I've

got a golden business

[Laughter]

opportunity oh maybe I should

Alin maybe I should even go in on it

with

you what and leave

Showbiz why not

why

not look at that having dealt me a fatal

blow the gods are rubbing it

in why

not Jess Henry Faber I had to have my

head examined but I ran that license

plate number through a contact at

DMV the owner of the car is a Dr Barry

Richardson

and if you think I believe that he

sideswiped you in a parking lot you

should get yourself a new lawyer anyway

that's his name

somebody out

there I'm sorry the office is closed if

you uh had an appointment no no

appointment Dr Richardson Dr Barry

Richardson

yes pathology slice as a matter of fact

there are transparencies of wild flowers

I took these last weekend in the desert

uh how can I help you Mr Mariner just

Mariner doesn't ring a bell afraid

not look um I was just on my way out but

if you call in tomorrow I'm Carol's

husband oh

thought you might have a few minutes

sure we're going to have a fight I won't

put on my jacket no no no no

fight civilized conversation good would

you like to sit down I'll Stand fine

awkward

situation now that I'm here I feel

pretty stupid so do I are you and Carol

serious what are you serious is it what

they used to call a meaningful

relationship

my feelings towards Carol are private Mr

Mariner if you want to know how she

feels you'll have to ask her that's uh

very hard to do we're not talking oh I'm

sorry to hear that no you're

not look why don't you just get to the

point I thought I just

did

okay Carol and I are married and I

wanted to stay that way so so unless

you're serious about her I mean very

serious I'd like you to consider backing

off because you might be messing up my

life and you might be messing up her

life are you asking me my intentions yes

because if it's casual or if it's a a

sex thing then you got the wrong lady

because this is a marriage I'm talking

about going to tell you something I'm

starting to get really angry and I don't

want to because I understand your

position but you're damn presumptuous

that's a good word presumptuous people

don't use that much anymore never mind

what people use you come waling in here

like what are you

doing who's this it's my wife not that

it's any of your business you're married

I'm separated how long four or 5 months

do I pass the test any uh chance of you

two getting back together you really are

astonishing Carol didn't tell me you

were

crazy what' she tell you nothing

much most things that were

nice look Mr Mariner Jess would you

please sit down so that I can sit down I

can't too nervous

this is ridiculous you know that yes

it's just

uh I really want her back you see and

unless you really care about her and if

you're just filling in time until you

get back together with your wife I'm not

getting back together with my wife

that's over oh and I might be over too I

don't know maybe

uh but I've decided some

things so I'm going to give you a run

for your money I don't blame you

she's worth it

yeah well uh I'm really sorry I came

barging in

here what kind of doctor are you I'm an

internist you're good at it yes very I'm

good at what I do

too I'm sure you are that has to change

[Music]

I wish youd forget I ever came in

[Music]

here this is Jess Mariner I'll be out of

town today it's important which I doubt

leave your name and number I'll call you

back

[Music]

[Music]

[Applause]

hi I'm just mared and my sister's

expecting me yes sir come in

please you come this way

you just wait in here sir

please

Jess good to see you hello

Andrea would you like something to drink

it's a long drive no I'm fine thanks

well it's it down

thanks you look wonderful yeah you

too I believe I saw you on a television

commercial recently well I've done a few

yes it was some sort of breakfast cereal

cereal yes that was

me and how's Caroline Carol she's

fine well uh we're having a few problems

oh I'm sorry to hear that but we're

going to work it

out good she seemed very

pleasant I can't remember when I met her

but we came out for the funeral yes of

course a year ago

August that was a lovely gesture by the

way you're coming you didn't even know

Howard well we are family so we

are you mentioned when we we spoke on

the phone something about a business

proposal uh yes

uh do you ride par horses hey Andrea you

know me City kid Subway stick ball in

the streets then you don't well as a

matter of fact I did do a weekend on

Western once I guess I could

manage all this and no smog Howard loved

horses we used to travel to races all

over the country Kentucky

Florida Jess hi this is Dean

helard hi how you do Jess is my uh half

brother I told you about him oh sure

complicated family tree same father

different mothers right the old boy was

pretty Randy two wives and a few dozen

Mistresses we assume correctly I hope

that we're the only

Offspring Dean Jess is not an

experienced rider so I think you better

take Troy back and bring Siro out okay

sure

B I think I should tell you that Dean

and I were married last

month ah terrific

congratulations thank you he's really

very bright and he's wonderful with the

horses you'll be more comfortable on

Sera we can ride out there by the hills

if we have to discuss business at least

we can do it in Pleasant surroundings

[Music]

oh I know it's a lot of money not

necessarily well I suppose it is

depending on when's means you have any

money of your own some not much the

house has gone up and value but I think

Carol should hang on to

it Jess if you pursue something like

this what happens to your professional

life the acting it stops what's left of

it

then you're contemplating quite a

change I guess it's

time I must admit I always thought you

chose a rather peculiar occupation for

yourself forgive me but from what little

I saw of you when we were young I

assumed you'd go into business you had

such Drive even as a

child running away from Father's

Footsteps can't say I blame you he had

nothing left by the time you were born

did he

all those terrible

Investments well at least he taught me

to play poker did he yep that's how I

supported Carol and I when we first came

to La high stakes poker every Tuesday

night I'd play with a producer and a

couple of writers took them to the

cleaners hardly a reliable way to

finance a business

Enterprise that's why I'm here you do

understand there's a very high mortality

rate in the restaurant business they

always seem to be closing well this one

won we can make it happen a little

help would there be a place for Dean

pardon I'd like Dean to be involved in

it would give him something to do and I

think you might find him useful well

sure uh we could use all the help we can

get this isn't a Young Person's

Community I've been thinking about

buying a condominium in Los Angeles and

it would be nice for Dean to have a

working relationship with his

contemporaries

may seem strange to

you all things considered

[Music]

but I love him very

much nothing strange about

it I also want to say that I've always

thought of you with great

affection I wish we'd been

closer you'll stay for dinner

[Music]

[Applause]

[Music]

sure get in here get the bear come on

mve

[Music]

got be pizza here move it let's

go

[Music]

yes come on you're in let's go come

on boys and girls beer pizza forant help

eat eat come here Jess come here look at

that what's this partnership papers

manuh hey hey hey up Insurance receipts

and best of all our own business account

as they say on Wall Street the cash flow

is Flowing I take it you been to the

bank they unrolled the red carpet I'm a

born again capitalist thanks to a little

help for my friends let's just hope you

really know how to cook what do you

expect miracles Dean Dean where's Dean

oh there you

are I'm hyperventilating am I excited no

I'm having a breakdown a little of both

you guys got a INE sure oh

great this is wonderful what is it my

horoscope no it's a chart for the next

month deliveries dates for the

electrical work Public Health

inspections we opened a month from

Tuesday and I thought we ought to you

know get

organized this is fantastic I'm doing

another one on supplies and storage uh

that is if you guys don't mind mine why

should we

mine well I know I was kind of forced on

you guys you certainly were but now that

we see you're a genius you have to

consider yourself part of this team

that's nice to hear providing of course

you can explain this chart to us now go

eat eat look how you look eat

okay I'm still trying to figure out is

he your brother-in-law or your half

brother-in-law I don't know either way

uh we're very lucky he's good praise all

for small

favors do you believe it we open in a

month yeah hey that's the enthusiasm a

little stage fright I open a little

sooner what just no absolutely not youd

kill me with all I'm asking I know what

you're asking and it's oh I don't know

it's deceitful G look if if I had it

somewhere else to go I would you're her

friend yeah and I want to stay her

friend oh let me get no no I got it I

got

it you know I used to think you were a

friend to both of us I am then do it oh

boy you really put the pressure on don't

you okay I want her back it's as simple

as

that you want me to give up huh let me

think about it all right that's all I

asked great thanks I didn't say I would

I'll call you tomorrow oh damn it Jess

don't take me for

granted I will come

on she's been dating somebody hasn't she

probably come on his name is Richardson

he's a doctor how do you know that never

mind how I know

it does he like him what the doctor does

she like him yes she doesn't tell me

everything sure she does well if she

does it's because I respect her privacy

now no more questions I mean it okay

okay on the other thing I'll call you

though I just want to make her happy if

I'm crazy I'm crazy but I have to try

Jess she and the doctor stopped seeing

each

other I love you one at a time

[Music]

Jennifer was really down at her parents

today she decided she was going to run

away from home and one of the kids said

to her well how can you do that how are

you going to eat and you know what her

answer was what I'll just order room

service can you imagine anything so

spoiled why we just take my car oh no I

feel like driving do you mind no it's

fine with me

are you all right yeah

why you haven't said a

thing oh I'm just a little

tired I know what you mean let's go home

early I want to soak in a tub for about

10

hours where are we going I told you new

restaurant

don't you love it girls night out

they're going to see two women walk in

alone they're going to stick us at a

table back by the kitchen

door it looks deserted are you sure this

is the

place why don't you get out and see if

it's open

hey Gail wait wait where you going

Gail Mrs is

Mariner your table is

ready would you come with me please

come

on what's going on here right this way

Jess of all the Gin joints and all the

towns in the world and she walks into

mine if you don't like my bogy I do a

terrific

kagne you're

angry I don't know what I am well while

you're making up your mind uh how about

some champagne

G was in on this wasn't she reluctantly

I blackmailed her sit down this is

ridiculous I don't even know where I am

there only one way to find out sit

down I guess I have to eat don't I uh

not eat

dime uh what should we drink to nothing

it's just drink I could use

it no sense of

occasion uhuh

to

us lousy service in this joint

waiter waiter all right all right just

cool it in case you have not no no we

are under

Ste alen pepper is that you under that

thing Hello

darling bit much huh well it keeps the

loose hairs out of the stew Alden do you

want to lose her appetite well someone

telling me please what's going on no

I'll leave that to him I've got pots to

watch you're having turbo by the way and

if you don't like this you're in big

trouble I love fish so I'm told all

right first Court Dean my boy Dean

excellent now get lost don't get

pushy ah smells wonderful maybe a dash

of salt someone is losing their mind

mind the train legal Li will observe

that this stipulates that the unders

sign J Robert Mariner owns this place at

least a part of it along with Alden and

some guy from Beverly Hills I've never

met the main course a letter of

termination between me and my theatrical

representatives in other words I no

longer have an

agent yes yes and

finally the dessert my screen actor's

guild

card I think it should be sir flambe

with this act of Pyromania I hereby and

forever disavow Renown all grease paint

baggy pants doar scripts acting classes

unemployment lines competitive

jealousies and all other forms of

insanity so be

it what no

response I don't know what to say don't

say anything just applaud why was that a

performance absolutely and although it's

going to break the hearts of my fans

around the world it was my

last that's what you wanted wasn't it

and I can't promise you 9: to 500 it'll

be more like 3:00 in the afternoon to 2:

the next morning but it's steady and I

won't be watching any game

shows you can't live your life the way I

want you to yes I

can cuz it's what I want

too well

lady as the man said balls in your

[Music]

Court getting a list of all the people

who can make or break a

restaurant we'll invite them in the

first week so they can talk about it

spread the

word and we have a cash Reserve to

carries for a while if we're careful

[Music]

I want you to understand something I'm

committed to this thing I mean not only

for you but for me too no looking

back when you've been headed in One

Direction it's not working the only

healthy thing to do is to

[Music]

thank you for a a lovely dinner now you

won't bite y's head off I may even tell

her I'm

grateful you want me to come in not

tonight I uh think I better be alone for

a while

okay good

night good night

oh you'll call I mean uh we'll

talk yes we'll talk

carrot

baton overcooked should be more

alente din of

duck no no no it's too grainy needs more

time in the blender

Alden Lobster

bis

M very good

Alden you're learning very

good wonderful white blind would you

guys knock it off I'm creating down here

you'll be creating in the rain if we

don't fix these Leakes just knock it off

hey how do we know we're doing this

right well when this car sets we'll hose

it down and we go inside and look for

stains trial and error the man's an

expert and I have trouble hanging a

picture I worked on a construction gang

for a

while hey we're going to have to get

together sometime and trade life stories

well to tell you the truth my life

wasn't really much until I met your

sister everybody thinks I married her

for her money not everybody well most

people

do funny thing is we really like each

other she called me last night she's

bringing 10 couples to the opening under

gunpoint

probably

hey I didn't have there I haven't heard

from you in 4 days I was thinking about

jumping got your shirt on I want to look

good for the

newspapers how come you're not in

school playing

hookie thought maybe you need someone to

help you

pack why am I moving if you want

to oh take it easy

[Music]

got everything not my

pillow I never go anywhere without my

pillow I think I'll be a good neighbor

and leave the toil

paper hey you think that'll hold oh sure

it'll hold I use my brownie square knot

well then we're all set I'll go check

the closets and we're ready

okay that's Fran what I forgot my

answering machine now maybe I should

Beque it to the poor sucker moves in huh

don't you dare we'll put that in the

paper and sell it if you left anything

in the frigerator bring it are you

kidding stale bread and a carton of sour

milk yeah

yeah Jess you need any help

Jaz that's kind of short notice you know

no I'm not complaining well what are the

chances uh-huh who uh yeah I know the

name uh hang on a second Ben it's Ben

Sawyer I was just walking out and he

called Ben what no I'm talking to my

wife right of course I'm excited Ben let

me fill her in do you remember George

Lam mer uh the director one of the best

anyway he's doing a new play in Broadway

they've been auditioning Leading Men for

over a month they can't find anybody

anybody Ben hang on I'm filling Carolyn

we did a couple of things together a

long time ago and he thought about me I

mean out of the blue he saw rerun or

something and he called Ben take a

breath this is crazy Carol I was just

walking out the

door they want me to fly to New York

right away all expenses paid he wants me

to read for him now they got one other

guy they're sort of interested but he's

too young you see so if I give a good

reading I mean I don't even want to

think about this Ben Ben listen uh when

do I get a script well I don't want to

land in New York with jetl and have to

read something cold

Ben well if I take the red hi in the

hell am I going to get any sleep and

where's he meeting me by the way the

theater Ro rehear Hall Ben the reason

it's important is because the

environment dictates the approach and

any Edge you can have in advance

is

Carol

Carol uh Ben I'll call you right back

like I didn't initiate this I never said

you doesn't change anything Jeff of

course it

does okay I'll tell him no I won't go

you have to go and I hope you knock

their bloody socks

off Carol look would you just try to be

sensible about this suppose I blow it

suppose they don't want me and I come

back here I'm in the restaurant business

no harm done and if they do want me hey

ter iic I'm the star of a Broadway show

I mean what's wrong with that you come

back we get a great apartment you love

New York have a job here well last day

look they've got schools on the East

Coast they have plays on the west coast

what's that supposed to mean nobody's

offered me a play on the west coast well

maybe because they believed you when you

said you were getting out of the

business now Carol that's not

fair I've got to take this shot Carol

look if it doesn't work out that's it I

promise Mark Twain what Mark Twain I can

give up smoking anytime I done 100 times

oh come on okay maybe I'm not being fair

but I'm not the one getting on the plane

you are will you do me a favor just once

for once in your life will you try to

see something from my point of view just

what what do you think I have been doing

for most of my adult

life that really breaks my

heart I mean the poor kid she never does

anything for herself she doesn't have a

mind of her own she does have a mind of

her own and it's a recent acquisition

and is driving you out of your want

nothing is driving me out of my

mind it's your phone what your phone is

ringing that is just like you that's

just like you we're trying to get

something settled here and all you can

think about is the fact that the phone

is ringing who cares about the phone you

do that is all you care about that's not

all I care about I care about a lot of

things damn

it damn it

damn

it damn

it damn it damn it damn

it I know

[Music]

now hi this is Jess Mariner looking for

an actor try the Yellow Pages if it's

about anything else leave your message

when you hear the beep Jess Ben s I've

been trying to reach you but all I get

is your machine now call me will you I

want to conf confirm the arrangements

now Steph has your booked at 11: tonight

you get in at 6:00 in the morning take

your cab at JFK and go to the hotel

they'll have reservations for you okay

wait in your room for a call from the

casting director you got it I'm going to

have a messenger service deliver your

ticket where do you want it your place

or or Carol's get back to me okay

la

la

[Music]

[Applause]

[Music]