Original subtitles

[chiming noises]

[both chuckling]

[bluesy rock music]

♪ ♪

[both chuckling]

- Whoa, check it out, Butt-Head.

That dog is licking its nads.

[chuckles]

- Beavis, I've lived a long and exciting life.

I've seen many dogs licking many nads.

It's gonna take a lot more than that to impress me.

- Maybe so, but this dog's nads are the size of beer cans.

- Where?

- Ahh!

- [chuckles] That was cool.

- Yeah, we made the balloons come out, yeah.

- Hey, what are you doing?

You rear-ended me.

- Rear-ended.

[both chuckling]

- You were completely at fault here.

- Uh, ma'am, there was a dog licking its nads.

- You can't blame us for nads, ma'am.

- Nope. No, sir.

God made 'em.

Yeah. [chuckles]

- Look, let's just exchange phone numbers,

and our insurance can work it out.

Do you have a card or something?

- This has, like, my court date on it.

[chuckling]

- You'll be hearing from me.

- Whoa, Beavis, that chick just gave us her phone number.

- Whoa. Whoa, that's crazy.

- Do you understand what this means?

If you crash your car, chicks give you their number.

This changes everything.

- Yeah! Yeah!

And if we get enough chicks' numbers, one of 'em

is bound to score with us.

- That's right, Beavis.

They can't all say no.

- Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, I mean, most of them can, but-- but not all.

Yeah.

[upbeat music]

- ♪ Hey, used to have a silver tooth ♪

♪ When I was just a pup yeah ♪

♪ Now I got-- ♪

- This dentist office kicks ass.

[chuckles]

- Yeah, yeah, really.

You know, they should have, like,

a dentist for the rest of your body, you know,

not just for your teeth.

You know what I'm saying?

[chuckles] You know, like a dentist for your legs,

you know.

An eyes, ears, nose, and throat dentist, you know?

- I'm gonna become a butt dentist.

[both chuckling]

- Uhh...

whoa.

I guess if you have, like, silver and gold teeth,

the tooth fairy gives you, like, $100,000.

- You know, when I was a kid, my mom told me about

the tooth fairy, you know?

But then when my mom said "tooth fairy," she had, like,

an impediment, because she had been, like,

doing a lot of crystal meth.

And it sounded like she said the "poop fairy," you know?

[chuckles]

So the next night when I went to bed, see, instead

of leaving a tooth, you see-- see, well-- you know,

what do you think I left, you know?

So instead of a tooth, you know, I left, um--

well, let me just give you a clue.

I left something a poop fairy would be looking for.

You know what I'm saying?

- Beavis, that's enough.

- Long story short, though, my mom just kicked my ass.

[chuckles] There was no money.

And then a couple days later, I got a visit

from the eye-infection fairy.

[chuckles]

She didn't leave me any money either.

She just left me, um, an eye infection.

[chuckles]

- Uh, Beavis, stop talking about this immediately.

[chuckles] It's disgusting.

[chuckles]

- But then the next time I lost a tooth,

my mom told me about the tooth fairy again, you know.

And, um, so I stayed up all night, you know.

'Cause I thought, you know, maybe I'll meet her and, like,

try to score with her, you know.

But then it turns out the tooth fairy was just my mom.

But then after that, this other fairy

who looked just like my mom's boyfriend took the money away.

[chuckles] I think it was, like,

a money fairy or something.

[chuckles]

Oh, and then I pooped in the bed again.

I don't know why.

Just for the fun of it, I guess.

It had just become habit at that point.

- Beavis, you're a dumbass.

[chuckles]

- And I think the money fairy also stole my mom's pickup.

[chuckles]

And then he went and scored with my aunt in it.

[chuckles]

Anyway, that's why I don't brush my teeth, you know.

[both chuckling]

- Look for chicks, Beavis. [chuckles]

Then we can crash and get their phone number.

- Whoa, there's a chick!

- Ahh! - [chuckles]

[door creaks]

- Uh, ma'am, this was your fault.

We have to, like, exchange numbers.

- What? - [groans]

- I was just walking here.

- Where am I?

- Are you OK?

- Uh, maybe we're both to blame.

Let's just let the insurance work it out.

So just hand over your number, lady.

- And my name is Beavis.

- Shut up, Beavis.

I'm about to get this chick's number,

and you're messing up my game.

- Wait here.

I'm going to call an ambulance.

- Oh, look, it's our car.

Where did that come from?

- Beavis, you dumbass.

This chick wants me, and you're screwing it up.

- That chick's gone, Butt-Head.

She went away. [chuckles]

- Uh, damn it. [chuckles]

- Yeah, I liked her.

She kind of made me feel dizzy, you know,

like, and all confused about what's going on.

[chuckles]

- Uh, I think our problem is that we didn't

crash the car hard enough.

- Yeah, probably. [chuckles]

[engine revving, metal crunching]

- Oh, my god!

- [groans] - Ow.

- Oh, hey, how's it going?

[chuckles]

- Hey, baby. [chuckles]

Do you want, like, a number or something?

- You need to go to the hospital.

- Uh, no, we need to, like,

exchange, uh, cars or something

so the phone numbers can, like, score

with some lady or something.

- Hey, your hair's is pretty.

Are you Mr. Van Driessen?

- You should sit down.

I think you have concussions.

- I think I have a boner, like, in my head or something.

It's made of, like, pain.

- Ugh, come on, Beavis.

This chick sucks.

Back in the car.

- OK. OK.

Thank you. Drive through.

- Beavis, we're gonna keep crashing this car

until we score.

- Yeah.

[chuckles]

[car rattling]

[loud thud]

[both] Ugh.

- Oh, my god.

Are you all right?

- Whoa, a chick.

[chuckles] Well, let's get busy.

- Time to score.

Oh, yeah.

- OK. Don't move.

I'm calling 911. - Whoa.

Did you hear that?

We got her number already.

- That's good.

We can get straight to the action.

Ooh, yeah.

[chuckles]

- Hey, baby.

My name's, like-- uh, I don't remember.

- The pleasure's all mine.

[chuckles] You are one blurry lady.

[chuckles]

- Don't worry.

An ambulance is on its way.

Here, lie down.

Let me take care of you.

- Get out of here.

I'm trying to talk to this chick.

Hey, baby.

You like spinning around the room?

[chuckles] That's cool.

- You know, I like a woman with meat on her bones.

Yeah. [chuckles]

I wanna score with you and then maybe throw up.

[coughs]

- That sounds like a plan.

[chuckling]

[sirens wailing]

- Sir, sir, can you tell me who is the president?

- Um, is it-- um, is it me?

- No.

- Well, that sucks.

[chuckles]

- Ma'am, in case we don't make it,

can you tell me just one thing?

[chuckles] Did we score?

[chuckles]

- No, you didn't.

- Oh, boy.

I guess we better crash the ambulance, Butt-Head.

- Sir, you can't get up.

Sir, what are you doing? What are you doing?

Don't touch that. No, no, no!

[metal crunching]

[touch-tones beeping]

[line trilling]

- 911, what's your emergency?

- Hey, baby.

You might remember me.

[chuckles] You, like, gave us your number.

[chuckles]

- Yeah, there's an emergency in my pants.

You know what I'm saying? [both chuckling]

[rock music]

♪ ♪

[together] ♪ "Swipe Right" ♪

- ♪ With David Van Driessen ♪

[together] ♪ All night ♪

- ♪ With David Van Driessen ♪

[together] ♪ Hold tight ♪

- ♪ 'Cause David Van Driessen ♪

♪ Is gonna make things-- ♪

- "Swipe Right" with David Van Driessen,

the dating adventures of Highland's most

eligible vegan bachelor.

[laughter]

- You know, David, I always hate these first dates,

but I'm actually having a really good time.

- I'm Sylvie, and I'll be your server.

- Well, I'm David, and I'll be your customer.

[chuckles]

- I'm gonna go to the bathroom.

- I'll give you a moment to look at the menus.

- Oh, thank you.

Is the tofu vegetarian by chance?

- I think all tofu is vegetarian.

- Oh, I'm not falling for that one again.

- I'll check with the kitchen.

- [grunting]

[loud thud]

- ♪ Swipe Right with David Van Driessen tonight ♪