Original subtitles

Libby, leave your brother alone. Quentin, sit still.

Why do I have to wear a tie? Because I don't have a leash. Libby, Libby, leave

your brother alone. Don't mess with him. Here, sit next to him. Do you want us to

pose a certain way?

Facing the camera is always a popular choice.

What's your next career move? Taking pictures at the DMV?

Quentin, leave the tie alone.

Libby, Libby, be sweet to your brother. Sit next to him.

Come on, squeeze it next. How come he has to be in the picture? He's a jerk.

Because Mama wants all her little jerks in the picture. It's a family photo.

Okay, Quentin.

Daddy's not here.

Gee, I wonder why.

Quentin, if you don't leave that tie alone, I'm going to glue it to your

neck. Okay, everybody, come on, squeeze it. Everybody sit together, smile, get

ready. Okay, on three.

One, two, three.

Oh,

that's a keeper.

Can you see me walking down the street?

Beatbox plays a click track to my empty mind.

Now my walkman's playing a slow and endless march.

And I'm looking for that bright spot in the sky.

But in my eyes there's a perfect world.

I can see it.

I like this picture. It's truthful.

I want truthful.

I want fake smiles and slick back hair so I can look back on my old age and lie

to myself about how great everything was. Libby, don't feed the baby

strawberries. He's allergic to them, honey. What are you going to do with

this?

Send it to Planned Parenthood. See if they need a new poster.

Libby, I'm serious. Don't feed the baby strawberries. They're not good for them,

honey. Do me a favor and roll them into the living room.

Do me a favor and roll them into the living room.

What'd you say?

Nothing.

Well, honey, what are you doing?

Picking up the garbage.

What? It's full.

At some point, I don't know when, Libby and Quentin exchange brains.

I'm serious. He's always been dark and moody, my little troublemaker. And now

he's, like, being real helpful and doing his homework without being asked. And

last night, he flossed.

Kid. No, and... And Libby, my little angel's turned into Ava Brum with pink

high tops.

You know, I read about this.

Children in a family take on different roles, and if one of them changes, the

other one has to fill the void. It's totally unconscious.

Nah. I just think they've been playing too close to the microwave.

I just want to know why she's still being mean to her little baby brother.

I don't know.

Hey,

thanks, Quentin.

Grace, you got a well-mannered little boy there. Good way. How you doing? Hi,

honey. What are you doing home so early?

Lost half a day's pay today, plus all my overtime, because some big, fat, spotted

owl or something landed on the telephone pole I was working on.

Well, he probably mistook it for the forest that used to be there.

They're an endangered species, Wade.

Hey, I'll tell you who's an endangered species.

The American working man.

You should have seen this mess.

I got 15 guys on my crew, sitting around doing nothing.

while these Peter Pan environmentalists are prancing around trying to catch this

big bird with a net.

Did they catch it? Sort of.

They chased it into a greeting card store.

Some old lady thought it was a bat, and she beat it to death with a big roll of

Christmas wrapping paper.

Hey, listen, Grace, not to sound like my wife, the matchmaker, but I met a really

nice guy today. No!

Now, now, come on, hear me out here. We put a second phone line in his shop. His

name's Pete Bennett. He's a widower.

No!

Listen, Grace, hey, in all the time you've known me, have I ever tried to

set you up on a blind date?

No, but your wife has innumerable times.

I believe the last catch of the day wore eyeliner.

He was a musician.

He played organ at the mall.

There, now, you see, that would never have happened if I tried to set you up,

because I know what you're looking for in a guy.

Do you think we have similar taste in men, Wade?

That's not funny, Grace.

Yes, it is. No, it's not. That is not funny.

No. Look, all I know is this guy owns his own bookstore.

What kind of books? The kind you read or the kind you look at?

The kind you read.

Sounds interesting.

Go ahead.

Is he cute?

Cute? Nadine, don't you think that's a little shallow? Don't you think there's

more to a guy than how he looks?

He's the elephant man.

Oh, don't be unfair, Nadine.

What's wrong with him?

Nothing.

All right. You won't be sorry.

Well, give it a shot.

20 bucks says this date's a disaster.

You're on, Red.

What constitutes a disaster?

Remember that guy that did want to watch America's Most Wanted? Not because he

was afraid I'd turn him in, but because he thought he looked fat on TV?

Okay, this will just take a second.

Why don't you have a seat over there, and I'll call you. Hey, don't look at me

like that.

Like what?

Okay, so I'm taking major tranquilizers. At least I'm staying out of people's

yards now.

Hey, you're still looking at me like that.

No, I'm not. Yes, you are. No, I'm not. Yes, you are.

Look up there. See the little security TV? Look, there's a guy on there. Wave

at him.

Tell him not to look at you. That's you.

No, it's not okay. You almost slammed Patrick's fingers in the car door. I'm

sorry. You're not sorry. You're sorry you got caught. Now go over there and

sit down.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. What's all the fuss about?

Goldilocks is driving me crazy, Russell.

Well, she's your daughter. That's her job.

Oh, are we still on for tomorrow night?

Yeah, I'm game if you are. Yeah, I think it'll be fun. It's my first date and a

blind date for you. I think it's good that we go together, you know, sort of,

you know, take the tension out of it. I agree.

Give me a favor. Patrick's got a little rash. You take a look at it. Sure.

Okay, Patrick, this will hurt me more than it hurts you.

Let's have a look here.

You been feeding him citrus, oranges?

Nope.

Strawberries? No, he's allergic to... Libby?

What? You been feeding your brother strawberries?

No.

I told you every time you tell a lie, Santa eats one of his reindeer.

There goes Dasher.

I wanted it.

Blitzen bit it. You want Santa to take the bus?

I don't care. I hate that. I wish he was dead.

Libby, what's gotten into you?

Don't yell at me.

I'm not yelling at you.

Yes, you are.

Here's your prescription.

Have a happy, happy day.

Go ahead, little girl. Cry all you want. The world's a horrible place.

Yeah, Grace, let me talk to her. I'm really good with kids.

Libby, honey.

Libby!

She's your daughter.

Mom, I know you have your hands full with Libby misbehaving, so I'll just go

make myself a sandwich.

Quentin, cut it out.

Libby, you're gonna have a fit in public, at least make it a good fit.

You're supposed to kick and scream down the aisle and make me drag you through

the store.

And while we're at it, a fit isn't, I'm sorry, don't be mad at me.

A fit's more like, I hate you, I want a new mommy, I want a mommy who loves me.

That, my dear, is a fit.

Why are you being so mean to your baby brother?

I just don't like him.

I understand that.

You do?

When my little sister was born, I tried to put her in a duffel bag and send her

to Cuba. Don't get any ideas.

But then I got smart.

I decided to team up with my little sister, and we ganged up on our big

sister, tortured her, and she moved out of the house. Now, correct me if I'm

wrong. Don't you have an older brother?

I could have my own room.

Bingo.

Are you not gonna punish me?

No.

When I was little, If I did what you did, my mom would make me cut a switch.

But it's the 90s, and we're supposed to have these heart-to-heart, mother

-daughter talks, and this... this is your punishment.

Good.

Hi, there.

You cleaned up real nice for your day.

Here are the earrings you wanted to borrow. Thanks. Sure. Hey, Mom, I

finished my homework.

I washed my face and my neck.

I'm speaking to the boy inside of Quentin.

Release my son and no harm will come to you.

Mom. Go watch TV and get ready for bed in a little bit.

That's okay. I think I'll turn in early.

Okay, honey, time to put on your PJs and go to bed.

I want to watch the rest of the show. Can you watch it with me? No, sugar,

I've got to put the baby down. Come on.

Just a minute.

Oh, no. We got to go now.

Hey, you better turn that back on.

Excuse me?

Who are you talking to?

Hey, Grace. I want you to meet a friend of mine.

This is... Hi, nice to meet you. Give me a second. Come on. Let's go upstairs and

put on your pajamas right now.

I have a stomachache. No, you don't. Yes, I do.

Why are you doing this to me now?

Yes, if her head starts spinning around, grab Quentin and the baby and leave the

house immediately.

Okay, bye.

I can't believe I'm out on a date with my pharmacist.

I'm not your pharmacist tonight, Lily.

I'm just a man.

Is everything okay?

Yeah, it's fine, thanks. You know, you really look stunning.

I mean that. That's not just a line.

Well, thanks. You look nice, too. I like your shirt. Really?

My neighbor threw it away yesterday.

He didn't even bother to bring it to Goodwill. Just threw it out.

He dug the shirt out of your neighbor's trash.

Oh, God, no. It was right on top.

Bless you.

Antihistamine? Oh, thank you.

Are you wearing wool? Because I'm highly allergic to wool.

Uh, no.

Somebody's wearing wool.

That lady over there is eating lamb chops. Is that a problem?

Lily has severe allergies.

Russell's a godsend.

His knowledge of pharmaceuticals is astonishing.

In fact, it's practically all we ever talk about.

Of course, I do hope this date leads to a sexual relationship.

Eat right.

Richard, we're really in order here.

Are we too late for the early bird special?

Yeah, sorry.

Couldn't you make an exception?

We had a family emergency.

We did?

We... did have to have his aunt put to sleep, and there was a lot of paperwork

involved.

Sorry, no exceptions.

I'll have the pasta primavera.

Salad bar come with that? Yeah.

Great. I'll have a glass of water and extra plate. You realize there's a $1.50

sharing charge, right? Oh, there goes your tip.

What'd you decide, huh? Ask her again.

Oh, um...

Do you cook any of your food with peanut oil?

No. You're sure?

Yes, I'm sure.

I'll take the chicken piccata, then.

I'll have the crab's leg vinson.

Are you sure you don't use peanut oil? I said no. I just want you to know that if

you've misinformed me about the use of peanuts or peanut derivatives, I will

suffer a violent allergic reaction, go into anaphylactic shock and die.

Tell her, Russell.

Tell her, Russell.

She'll die.

I'll get your salad, Grace. It's okay. I'll get my own salad. Trust me.

I'll get plenty for the both of us.

If you two will excuse me, I'm going to go to the little girl's room and check

my blood pressure.

I don't believe this. I'm on a date with the dumpster king.

What are you complaining about? I'm sitting beside a woman who smells like

the county hospital.

But I smell vapor rub. She has it all over her chest.

It's making my eyes water.

Russell, he's eating my dinner and we're going Dutch.

What are we going to do?

I don't know. I still can't believe this is happening.

Grace, I am not sleeping with that woman.

Well, just say no.

What are you, nuts?

Well... I bet I got about 20 bucks worth of shrimp hidden under that lettuce.

Oh, you sly dog.

I'm having such a great time.

This calls for a toast.

I've got two gins and a Kahlua. I'll take the Kahlua.

Pete, Pete, you don't happen to have a can of Vienna sausages so we don't have

to pay for appetizers, do you?

No, but I've got some Ovaltine. Oh, silly. Then we'd have to buy milk.

Grace, the creamer. You're a genius.

Are my lips swelling?

Uh, no, I don't think so. No, I think they are. I just knew I was allergic to

my lipstick. They told me it was hypoallergenic, but they lie.

I'll be right back.

Grace, don't leave.

You know, Lily, I've noticed that you use generic drugs.

That's very thrifty.

Why, thank you, Pete. Not a lot of men would notice that.

You here on a date?

Yeah.

Thinking of crawling out that window?

Yes. Dude.

If I'd have done that 62 years ago, I'd be a happy woman today.

for me.

Russell. What?

Alright, this is ridiculous.

We're just gonna go in there and pay our tabs and tell them we're leaving. I'm

right behind you.

Hey,

where'd they go?

those two people go that were sitting here? They split.

They left this.

I don't believe this.

They dumped us.

She said I was gonna score.

She said I was stunning.

Well, you are stunning, Grace.

Well, you're still not gonna score.

Ron, I'll give you a ride home.

law and my personality made you think i would ever want to go on a date with a

little idiot like that didn't hit it off on the

way to the restaurant he parked six blocks away because he didn't want to

tip the valet and then while we were walking over he kept checking the little

box and pay phones just in case and then in a brazen effort to seduce me before

he fed me He asked me if I was on the pill because, hey, you know, the price

of condoms is outrageous.

Oh, thank you.

Grace, I'm really sorry.

Never again.

You know, Grace, maybe your standards are just... Wayne!

Uh, good night.

I'm starving.

So how are the kids?

Kids are fine.

Libby? Oh, she's a very resourceful little girl. Even though she was

confined to a room, she still managed to wake up the baby by tapping on the wall.

Oh, geez.

It's okay.

Quentin gave her a good talking to, and then he helped me get the baby back to

sleep.

I'm starting to think the house is built on an old Indian burial ground.

Did they let you play with one of her dolls?

No, actually, she gave it to me and told me to keep it at my house.

That's so weird. She loves those dolls.

Yeah, that's what I thought. I wish I knew what was going on inside of her

mind. Oh, Grace, kids think in such mysterious ways.

You know, when I was Libby's age, I used to think that my going to bed somehow

turned the sprinklers on. Because it happened at the same time.

I used to think our house was alive.

You're kidding.

No. I used to put an apple under the porch every day to feed it. And then the

next day when I went back, it'd be gone. And one morning, I saw a little possum

crawling out. Oh, so you figured the possum ate the apple.

No, I thought the house had a baby.

It was five.

Come on.

You know what?

I think I've been dealing with Libby the wrong way.

I mean, I thought she hated her little brother because she was jealous, but she

could hate him for the same reasons that sprinkler systems come on when you go to

sleep and the same reason that houses have babies.

She's six.

She's nuts.

Hey, can I come in?

I guess so.

Nah. Oh,

he was goofy, Libby.

The man took a roll of toilet paper from the restaurant so he wouldn't have to

buy any for his house.

Uh-huh.

What'd you do tonight?

Nadine told me to bring this back to you.

No more room.

Well, who's this? The little troll family?

Mm-hmm.

Here's the mama.

Here's the sister.

And here's the brother.

He's a geek troll.

We've got a little pet pig.

No, that's the baby.

The baby's a pig.

Well, who's this one?

That's the daddy.

When the baby's born, he has to leave.

When the baby's born, the daddy has to leave, huh?

He had to.

Libby, what would you say if I told you the daddy troll had to leave because he

was mean to the mama troll?

Uh-uh, it was the baby's fault.

Libby,

this isn't about the trolls, honey. It's about you and me.

If you want to be mad at somebody because daddy left, you've got to be mad

at me, honey.

Daddy can leave. Why can't you?

Okay.

This mama troll's not going anywhere.

Come here.

I love you.

And I'm never going to go away.

It's like there's an invisible gold chain that goes from me to you, and no

power in the world is strong enough to break it. What happens to the chain when

I'm taking a bath?

It gets cleaner.

Did you have a chain like that with your mama?

Yeah, except mine's not made out of gold. It's made out of gilt.

A lot more expensive.

Give me a kiss.

Gotta go to sleep now.

Okay.

You can do me a big favor and be sweeter for your little brother.

If you want me to. Thank you.

Good night. Good night, precious.

Oh, joy.

It's the Addams Family.

Quentin, I told you, I'm not gonna tell you again. Leave that tie alone.

It's choking me. Tough.

Libby, come here. Get next to your brother. All right.

Are we ready?

Just wipe that smirk off your face and take the pic...