Original subtitles

It was over,

the evils of Stonewall Prep

had been vanquished,

and life in Riverdale

more or less picked up

where it had left off.

But at its heart,

Riverdale was and is,

"A wicked little town."

So no one was surprised

when a third round of sinister

video tapes was delivered

to our doorsteps.

♪ You know the sun

Is in your eyes ♪

♪ And hurricanes and rains ♪

♪ And black and cloudy skies ♪

♪ You're running up

And down that hill ♪

♪ You turn it on

And off at will ♪

♪ There's nothing here

To thrill or bring you down ♪

♪ And if you've got

No other choice ♪

♪ You know you can

Follow my voice ♪

♪ Through the dark turns

And noise of this

Wicked little town ♪

♪ The fates are vicious

And they're cruel ♪

♪ You learn too late

You've used two wishes

Like a fool ♪

♪ The pious, hateful

And devout ♪

♪ You're turning tricks

'Til you're turned out ♪

The wind so cold, it burns,

You're burning out,

Blowing round ♪

♪ And then you're someone

You are not ♪

♪ And Riverdale,

It ain't the spot ♪

♪ Remember Mrs. Lot

And when she turned around ♪

♪ And if you've got

No other choice ♪

♪ You know you can

Follow my voice ♪

♪ Through the dark turns

And noise of this

Wicked little town ♪

[Jughead]

No one slept that night,

as they waited

for a new day to dawn.

Daddy.

You've a doctor's appointment,

don't you?

Which I'll go to,

as soon as I finish

my coffee.

[sighs softly]

[grunting]

[grunts] Little help.

Little help.

-Holy crap, Mr. Lodge.

-Thanks, Archie.

-[Hiram exhales deeply]

-Maybe you should ease up.

You know,

considering your condition.

The hell you talking about?

[sighs]

Veronica told me,

that you're... sick.

Well, clearly

my daughter's confused

'cause I'm perfectly healthy.

But if she's concerned

for some unfounded reason,

then you'll agree that

she doesn't need

to know about this.

-Mr. Lodge, look

if you need help--

-What I need is privacy.

This is not your business,

nor hers, frankly.

Do we understand

each other, Archie?

Yes, sir, we do.

Take the plate off.

So, I talked to

all your teachers

and we figured out a way

-for you to catch up

on all of your classes.

-[thuds]

Phew! That's not

daunting at all.

-There's an index.

-Mmm-hmm, and it's color coded.

Red is for American history.

You missed the mid-term,

so you can catch up

by writing an essay

on either the Trail of Tears

or the Salem witch trials.

-Salem witch trails,

definitely.

-Mmm-hmm.

Blue, English.

You can choose amongst,

The Pearl,

The Old Man

and the Sea,

and London's

The Call of the Wild,

for your book report.

-[sighs]

-What, you've already read

all three of them.

No, I know, it's just,

writing a book report,

now I know,

how Sisyphus must have felt.

Given how far behind I am

on literally every topic,

is it even worth trying

to catch up at this point?

Look. I know this is a lot.

It's a lot of work,

but it's only for

a couple of months.

Just to make sure

that you graduate. With me.

What is more important

than that?

Jughead. What a surprise.

What do you need?

Something to stimulate my brain

as I plow through

this pile of work

that Betty's lined up for me.

I was thinking

in between writing

these mind-numbing essays

I could help you review

the latest round of videotapes

from our mysterious voyeur.

Absolutely, I could use

some help scrubbing

through the footage.

The voyeur's stepping up

his or her game.

Coming to more and more houses.

I don't ever want to see

what would happen if he found

his way inside a house.

Thank you. Oh. Uh...

One more thing,

if you could keep

my moon-lighting on the DL.

You mean from Betty?

How about this?

I won't bring it up to her,

unless she asks me directly.

Thank you.

Here you go, Principal Honey,

another list of sign-ups

for the variety show.

Mmm. Well, I've reviewed

the acts submitted so far.

They mostly seem fine.

With one exception.

Yours.

I'm sorry, but you won't be

allowed to do a number

Hedwig and the Angry Inch.

That show is...

It's not appropriate

for students and families.

It was on Broadway.

-There's a movie version of it.

-An R-rated movie version.

Look, why don't you do a number

from a classical musical

Carousel.

Instead of some niche-downtown

cabaret show

that would be more appropriate

for pre-Nazi Berlin.

is not a niche show.

It celebrates

identities, genders,

expressions of all kinds

and it speaks to my

entire generation.

We are relentlessly slammed

with crisis after crisis.

And we talk it,

and we're numb. Yes.

But also screaming

on the inside.

Please just...

Just listen to us.

We're people, not numbers.

We're Generation Z.

[music playing]

♪ All our feelings

And thoughts ♪

♪ Expressed in ones

And in oughts ♪

♪ In endless spiraling chains ♪

♪ You can't decode or explain ♪

♪ 'Cause you are so analog ♪

♪ God dog I eye I God dog ♪

♪ We're the random number ♪

♪ Generation we are ♪

♪ Random number

Generated we are ♪

♪ Random numbers ♪

♪ In the regime

Of the solid state ♪

♪ Wheels spin as you iterate ♪

K is X squared minus one ♪

♪ But .54321 ♪

When X is taken times two ♪

♪ That's when

We're coming for you ♪

♪ We're the random number ♪

♪ Generation we are ♪

♪ Random number

Generated we are ♪

♪ Hey here we are ♪

♪ La, la, la, la, la, la ♪

♪ La, la, la, la, la, la ♪

♪ We're the random number ♪

♪ Generation we are ♪

♪ Random number

Generated we are ♪

♪ Random number ♪

[bell ringing]

[panting]

Hedwig

is the perfect fit for--

-Mr. Keller,

you can either pick

a different song,

or recuse yourself

from the variety show

and all your attendant duties.

Effective immediately.

[playing rock tune]

[power shuts off]

Damn it.

Late breaking news,

I am now singing

Oh, What a Beautiful Morning,

Oklahoma!

for the variety show.

Hedwig?

Honey nixed it.

-Said it was too controversial.

-[sighs]

Hedwig,

Hedwig.

He'd yank me off stage

before the first note.

Hell, I don't even think

you should wait

for the variety show.

I think you should go rogue.

Go rogue, in what way?

Okay.

So, you know

I support you.

And, I think you're

an amazing writer, Jug,

but this feels

a little...

phoned in.

I mean there's typos

and incomplete sentences

and I'm not even sure

what the thesis is.

[sighs]

Yeah. Okay.

Maybe, I'll go offline.

Hole myself up in

the bunker after school

and really focus on it.

Play Thomas Pynchon

for a while.

[bell ringing]

[Veronica]

Oh, he comes bearing gifts.

And some news.

I know this seems

a little last minute,

but, uh...

I signed us up

for the variety show.

-To perform as a band.

-Well, obviously,

I'm completely in.

You know I support you kids

in your rock-and-roll,

but I really have to finish

these essays,

or else my girlfriend

over there is gonna

lock me in the stocks.

It's true, Jug has a lot

of work to do.

But I think, you can take

a little time out, for this.

I mean, look,

it's senior year,

we promised we were gonna start

taking advantage of that.

Agreed.

-Does this band have a name?

-Mmm.

Uh, it's The Archies.

What, was

the Me-Me-Me's taken?

-We can change the name.

-[Veronica] No. The Archies.

-I like it.

-[Kevin over speaker]

What's up, Riverdale?

Are you trying

to tear me down?

That's, wait. That's not...

Well, sorry, I'm the new

Berlin Wall, baby.

Now, get your asses

to the music room.

[music plays]

♪ I was born

On the other side ♪

♪ Of a town ripped in two ♪

♪ I made it over

The great divide ♪

♪ Now I'm coming for you ♪

[students cheering]

♪ Enemies and adversaries ♪

♪ They try and tear me down ♪

♪ You want me baby

I dare you ♪

♪ Try and tear me down ♪

[all cheering]

♪ There ain't much

Of a difference ♪

♪ Between a bridge and a wall ♪

♪ Without me right

In the middle, babe ♪

♪ Whoa, you would be

Nothing at all ♪

♪ Enemies and adversaries ♪

♪ They try to tear me down ♪

♪ You want me, baby

I dare you ♪

♪ Try and tear me down ♪

♪ From East Berlin

To Junction City ♪

Hello, Mr. Honey.

Hello, Riverdale.

You wanna try

and tear me down?

You're done, Mr. Keller,

you're off the variety show.

♪ Come on and tear ♪

♪ Come on and tear me ♪

♪ Down ♪

[all cheering]

I said, "you're done."

You hear me?

You're done!

-[Betty] Okay,

I'm gonna try it.

-[Veronica laughing]

-[all] Whoa.

-Okay.

-Can we please order pizza

from Little Cicero's?

-Ugh!

Guys, it is not a sleepover

without greasy pizza,

right, Kev?

Kev?

Sorry, it's just...

Working on the variety show

made me feel like,

I was reconnecting

with the old, pre-farm Kevin.

Mr. Honey didn't just take

that away, he made me

feel like I was nothing.

Like I didn't matter.

[sighs]

You know something

that makes me feel better?

♪ On nights ♪

♪ Like this ♪

♪ When the world's

A bit amiss ♪

♪ And the lights go down ♪

♪ Across the trailer park ♪

♪ I put on some make-up ♪

♪ Turn on the tape deck ♪

♪ And put the wig

Back on my head ♪

Oh.

♪ Suddenly I'm Miss Midwest

Midnight checkout queen ♪

♪ Until I head home ♪

♪ And I put myself to bed ♪

I hear

what you're saying, Betty,

but I'm not sure even

a makeover montage will help.

♪ I look back on

Where I'm from ♪

♪ Look at the woman

I've become ♪

♪ And the strangest thing's ♪

♪ Suddenly routine ♪

♪ I look up from my Vermouth

On the rocks ♪

♪ The gift wrapped wig

Still in the box ♪

♪ Of towering velveteen ♪

♪ I put on some make-up ♪

♪ Some LaVern Baker ♪

♪ And pull the wig down

From the shelf ♪

-[vocalizing]

-♪ Suddenly I'm

Miss Beehive 1963 ♪

♪ Until I wake up ♪

♪ And I turn back to myself ♪

♪ Some girls

They have natural ease ♪

♪ They wear it any way

They please ♪

♪ With their French flip curls

And perfumed magazines ♪

♪ Wear it up, let it down ♪

♪ This is the best way

That I've found ♪

♪ To be the best

You've ever seen ♪

♪ I put on some make-up ♪

♪ Turn on the eight-track ♪

♪ I'm pulling the wig down

From the shelf ♪

♪ Suddenly I'm

Miss Farrah Fawcett from TV ♪

♪ Until I wake up ♪

♪ And I turn back to myself ♪

♪ Shag, bi-level Bob

Dorothy Hamill do ♪

♪ Sausage curl, chicken wings

It's all because of you ♪

♪ It's all because of you

It's all because of you ♪

[all laughing]

Oh, my...

-[sighs]

-[laughs]

-Hey, Kev?

-Yeah.

What if for the variety show,

we all performed songs

Hedwig.

Yeah. As a sign of solidarity.

And as President

of the Student Body

and Riverdale High's

LGBTQIA Alliance,

I promise you, I will sit down

with Principal Humbug

and make this right.

[soft music playing]

On behalf of Kevin Keller

and the entire Student Body

we urge you to hear our plea.

is not some fringe,

down-beat musical.

It's fun.

It's an old-fashioned,

red-blooded,

American musical comedy

with something for everyone.

Including those of us,

who are more... straight-laced.

Allow us to demonstrate.

[music playing]

♪ I've got a sweet tooth ♪

♪ For licorice drops

And jelly roll ♪

♪ Hey, sugar daddy ♪

♪ Cheryl needs some sugar

In her bowl ♪

♪ I'll lay out fine china

On the linen

♪ Polish up the chrome ♪

♪ If you've got

Some sugar for me ♪

♪ Sugar daddy bring it home ♪

♪ Black strap molasses ♪

♪ You're my cherry blossom

Honey bear ♪

♪ Sugar daddy, sugar daddy ♪

♪ Bring me

Versace blue jeans ♪

♪ Black designer underwear ♪

♪ Sugar daddy, sugar daddy ♪

♪ We'll dress up like

The disco-dancing jet set

In Milan and Rome ♪

♪ If you got some

Sugar for me ♪

♪ Sugar daddy, bring it home ♪

That's enough, Ms. Blossom.

♪ Oh, the thrill of control ♪

♪ Like the Blitzkrieg

On the roll ♪

♪ It's the sweetest taste

I've known, oh yeah ♪

♪ So if you've got some sugar

Bring it home, oh yeah ♪

♪ Come on, sugar daddy

Bring it home ♪

What? No applause?

You just proved my point.

Did you listen

to the lyrics you just sang?

Hedwig and The Angry Inch

is highly sexualized.

[scoffs]

How queer-phobic of you.

And if every student

of Riverdale High changed

their variety show act

Hedwig,

what would you do then?

Hmm. Well, Ms. Topaz,

I would make the following

announcement,

"Any student who performs

will be

barred from Senior Prom."

Now...

As you like to say,

Ms. Blossom...

Toodles.

[phone buzzing]

[phone continues buzzing]

So what

happened exactly?

Daddy is downplaying it.

He says he missed a step

and stumbled.

But, it's still scary

and confusing.

He's been going to the doctor,

he just told us.

He was getting better.

Ronnie, I don't

want you to worry.

[sighs] But your dad's been

working out at the gym.

Okay.

He was bench pressing

and the bar slipped.

Luckily, I was there

to catch it, but...

I don't think, he's been

going to the doctor

as regularly as he says.

And,

you haven't told me

this before, why?

Well, he said it was nothing,

and when Iron Lodge asks you

to shut your mouth

and mind your own business,

you mind your own business.

No, no, you drag him

to the car,

and you drive him

to the doctor yourself.

-That wasn't an option, Ronnie.

-So, you do nothing instead?

This is my life, Archie,

my father's life.

How could you be

so short-sighted?

[Betty] Jughead!

I came to surprise you,

with a study break.

Tell me, this is not

what it looks like.

-It's not.

-Oh, so you're not lying to me,

about doing your homework.

While you try to crack

some new unsolvable mystery.

-I'm doing both.

-I went to the mat for you.

-With Mr. Honey and with all

of your teachers.

-I didn't ask you to do that.

I'm trying to make sure

that you graduate, Jug.

I'm trying to make sure

that we stay together,

that we have a future.

[scoffs] I'm sorry,

in what future

are we not together?

I'm going to New Haven

in a few months, Jug,

that is happening.

-Where are you going to be?

-I thought I'd be

your dorm husband,

just eating pizza while

you studied Criminal Psych.

Yeah, well,

I would rather that

than this dead-end Jughead.

Oh, the Jughead

that was brained with a rock?

I'm sorry I'm different now,

I guess death just

changes a person.

[music playing]

♪ Inside I'm hollowed out

Outside's a paper shroud

And all the rest's illusion ♪

♪ That there's a will and soul

That we can wrest control

From chaos and confusion ♪

♪ A collage

I'm all sewn up ♪

♪ A montage

I'm all sewn up ♪

How do you think I feel?

♪ A random pattern

With a needle and thread ♪

♪ The overlapping way

Diseases are spread ♪

♪ To a tornado body

With a hand grenade head ♪

♪ And the legs

Are two lovers entwined ♪

-I was trying to do

the right thing.

-You weren't thinking, Archie.

Give me a break, Veronica.

It's been a crappy year.

♪ Oh, God, I'm all sewn up

A hardened razor-cut

Scar-map across my body ♪

♪ And you can trace the lines

Through misery's design

That map across my body ♪

♪ A collage

I'm all sewn up ♪

♪ A montage

I'm all sewn up ♪

♪ The automatist's undoin' ♪

♪ The whole world

Starts unscrewin' ♪

♪ As time collapses

And space warps, oh ♪

♪ You see decay and ruin ♪

♪ I tell you, no, no, no, no ♪

♪ You make such

An exquisite corpse ♪

♪ Oh, yeah ♪

♪ A collage

I'm all sewn up ♪

♪ A montage

I'm all sewn up ♪

♪ I'm all sewn up ♪

♪ I'm all sewn up ♪

[door slams]

Principal Honey,

I need to alert you

to a situation

that's taking place

in the hallway.

And the games begin.

Consider this

a peaceful protest, Mr. Honey.

Though I will weaponize

these babies if I have to.

Clearly, you are all...

very passionate about

what you're feeling.

But hotheads lead

to unpredictability and anger.

Violence.

So, I'm afraid...

the most prudent action to take

at this moment is to...

cancel the variety show.

[all gasping]

Hi, sorry, I'm late.

Betty, I forgot to

text you guys that

rehearsal's cancelled.

Oh...

I kinda screwed up

with Veronica.

Well, Jughead and I

just got in a fight, too,

actually. so...

Damn it, I'm sorry.

This is not what I wanted

this week to be.

I wanted us to have fun.

When was the last time

that happened?

That time we ordered

sea monkeys, from the back

of the coven book was fun.

-Yeah, we peaked

in the first grade.

-Yeah.

When I saw that sign-up sheet,

I flashback to sophomore year.

I was on the stage,

freezing up from stage fright,

until I saw my dad.

And suddenly,

I could just... play.

[chuckles softly] He gave me

the biggest hug afterwards.

He was so proud of you.

He was always so happy

whenever you played.

Look, just because Veronica

and Jughead aren't here,

doesn't mean

we can't rehearse.

[Archie] All right.

[guitar music playing]

♪ When the Earth

Was still flat ♪

♪ And clouds made of fire ♪

♪ And mountains

Stretched up to the sky ♪

♪ Sometimes higher ♪

♪ Folks roamed the Earth

Like big rolling kegs ♪

♪ They had two sets of arms

They had two sets of legs ♪

♪ They had two faces peering

Out of one giant head ♪

♪ So they could watch

All around them ♪

♪ As they talked

While they read ♪

And they never

Knew nothing of love ♪

♪ It was before ♪

♪ Mmm ♪

♪ The origin of love ♪

♪ The origin of love ♪

♪ The origin of love ♪

♪ The origin of love ♪

♪ Last time I saw you ♪

♪ We just split in two ♪

♪ You were looking at me

I was looking at you ♪

♪ You had a way so familiar ♪

♪ I could not recognize

'Cause you had blood

On your face ♪

♪ And I had blood

In my eyes ♪

♪ And the children of the moon

Look like a fork

Stuck on a spoon ♪

♪ They were part sun

Part earth, part daughter

Part son ♪

♪ Oh ♪

♪ The origin of love ♪

♪ Now the Gods grew

Quite scared ♪

♪ Of our strength

And defiance ♪

♪ And Thor said

I'm gonna kill them all

With my hammer ♪

♪ Like I killed the giants ♪

♪ And then he grabbed up

Some bolts ♪

♪ He let out a laugh

Said I'll split them

Right down the middle ♪

♪ Gonna cut them

Right up in half ♪

♪ And the storm clouds

Gathered above ♪

♪ Into great balls of fire ♪

♪ And then fire shot down

From the sky in bolts ♪

♪ Like shining blades

Of a knife ♪

♪ And it ripped

Right through the flesh ♪

♪ Of the children of the Sun

And the Moon and the Earth ♪

♪ And Osiris

And the gods of the Nile ♪

♪ Gathered up a big storm ♪

♪ To blow a hurricane ♪

♪ To scatter us away ♪

♪ In a flood of wind and rain ♪

♪ A sea of tidal waves ♪

♪ To wash us all away ♪

♪ And if we don't behave ♪

♪ They'll cut us down again ♪

[knocking at door]

Hi.

One fully researched,

thoroughly proofed,

MLA formatted essay

on the Salem witch trials.

I don't know what to say.

You don't have to

say anything.

I do.

I'm sorry.

Jug.

It's okay.

No, it's not.

I shouldn't have been

as ticked off as I was

that you had faith in me.

-You okay?

-Yeah, I'm fine.

Okay.

I really need to finish

Call of the Wild.

But you can distract me

any time you want.

-Bye.

-Bye.

Penny for your thoughts,

handsome.

Hi.

I wanted to

give you this, Archie.

It was too short-notice

to get cupcakes from Magnolia,

so these are from Pop's,

but you deserve an official

"Veronica Lodge I'm Sorry."

-You're sorry.

-I am.

I was... scared.

And lashing out,

but at the wrong person.

The truth is, you didn't

need to come clean

to me but you did.

And thanks to that

I got a doctor who said

it was lucky he saw Daddy

when he did.

Because it could have been

much worse than a fall.

[sighs] So, thank you.

-Archiekins.

-Veronica, I--

So, more good news,

though Honey cancelled

the variety show at school,

Kevin called me

with an amazing idea.

To host it at La Bonne Nuit.

So, me, you,

Betty and Jughead

we'll all get to perform

together after all.

-Isn't that amazing?

-That's awesome.

"The show must go on,"

as they say.

Even in our wicked,

little town.

[sighs]

♪ Forgive me

For I did not know ♪

♪ 'Cause I was just a boy ♪

♪ And you were so much more ♪

♪ And when everything

Starts breaking down ♪

♪ You take the pieces

Off the ground ♪

♪ And show this wicked town ♪

♪ Something beautiful and new ♪

♪ And there's

No mystical design ♪

♪ No cosmic lover preassigned ♪

♪ There's nothing

You can find ♪

♪ That cannot be found ♪

♪ 'Cause, with all the changes

We've been through ♪

♪ It seems the stranger's

Always you ♪

♪ Alone again in some new

Wicked little town ♪

♪ When you've got

No other choice ♪

♪ You know you can

Follow my voice ♪

♪ Through the dark turns

And noise ♪

♪ Of this wicked little town ♪

♪ Oh, it's a wicked ♪

♪ Little town ♪

♪ Goodbye wicked ♪

♪ Little town ♪

[crowd applauding]

Ladies and gentlemen,

for our final performance

of the evening.

I am beyond honored

to introduce,

for the first time ever,

The Archies.

[all cheering and applauding]

♪ Rain falls hard ♪

♪ Burns dry ♪

♪ A dream or a song ♪

♪ That hits you so hard ♪

♪ It's filling you up ♪

♪ And suddenly you're gone ♪

♪ Breathe, feel, love ♪

♪ Give free ♪

♪ Know in your soul ♪

♪ Like your blood

Knows the way ♪

♪ From your heart

To your brain ♪

♪ Know that you're whole ♪

♪ And you're shining ♪

♪ Like the brightest star ♪

♪ A transmission ♪

♪ On the midnight radio ♪

♪ Here's to Ronnie ♪

♪ And Archie ♪

♪ And Betty ♪

♪ And Jughead ♪

♪ And Choni ♪

♪ And Reggie ♪

♪ And me ♪

♪ And all the strange

Rock and rollers ♪

♪ You know

You're doing all right ♪

♪ So hold on to each other ♪

♪ You gotta hold on tonight ♪

♪ And you're shining

Like the brightest star ♪

♪ A transmission

On the midnight radio ♪

♪ And you're spinning

Your new 45s ♪

♪ With all the misfits

And the losers ♪

Well, you know

You're rock and rollers ♪

♪ Spinning to ♪

♪ Your rock and roll ♪

♪ Lift up your hands ♪

♪ Lift up your hands ♪

♪ Lift up your hands ♪

♪ Lift up your hands ♪

♪ Lift up your hands ♪

♪ Lift up your hands ♪

♪ Lift up your hands ♪

♪ Lift up your hands ♪

♪ Lift up your hands ♪

♪ Lift up your hands ♪

♪ Lift up your hands ♪

♪ Lift up your hands ♪

♪ Lift up your hands ♪

♪ Lift up your hands ♪

♪ Lift up your hands... ♪

There's a problem

that comes once you get

caught up on your homework.

Your mind wanders,

and evil creeps back in.

Was the voyeur somewhere

amongst us in the crowd,

playing his long game?

Turning the temperature up?

Ever so slowly?

So, that by the time

we frogs realized

we were being boiled alive,

it was too late.

[panting]

[whacking continues]

♪ Lift up your hands ♪

♪ Lift up your hands ♪

♪ Lift up your hands ♪

[crowd applauding]