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[music playing]

* oh, give me land, lots of land *

* under starry skies above *

* don't fence me in *

* let me ride through the wide open country *

* that I love *

* don't fence me in *

* let me be by myself in the evening breeze *

* listen to the murmur of the cottonwood trees *

* send me off forever, but I ask you, please *

[chuckling] * don't fence me in *

* don't fence me in *

[whinnying]

* just turn me loose, let me straddle my own saddle *

* underneath the western skies *

* on my cayuse let me wander *

* over yonder till I see the mountains rise *

* I want to ride to the ridge *

* where the west commences *

* gaze at the moon until I lose my senses... *

jimmie: In his heart,

every man is a wild, untamed mustang.

Now, that may sound pretty stupid.

It may even be pretty stupid.

But it's true, more or less.

I mean, in africa, men are probably leopards or rhinos.

In india, i'm sure they're bengal tigers.

Here you go. One, two-- what comes next?

And even here in america, not all men go for mustangs.

Jimmie, we gotta talk.

My friend marco-- he's a wolf.

[Growling]

He says the symbol of manhood shouldn't be a vegetarian.

Listen to what rita said to me last night.

She said, "in the future, let's avoid thai food."

What, do you have too much lemongrass?

No, jimmie, she said, "future."

You know what? Everybody i know says "future."

Sanzel, you say "future"?

Future.

Hodgman, bolt, stone, huh? Future?

[Together] Future.

There you go.

Damn it, they're not women!

Jimmie: So, mustangs. Mustanghood.

It's a feeling of complete freedom.

You're young, you're strong.

You have no one to answer to.

Nothing to do but run the open plain.

And your whole life is centered on one primal force:

The endless quest for--

[country music playing, people chattering]

Uh, let's stick with the analogy.

Call it "sweet grasses."

A mustang is driven to get as much grass as possible...

And a variety.

Tall grasses, shorter grasses,

dark grass, blond grass.

You spend your days in a constant search

for that next succulent patch.

It's a beautiful life.

* don't fence me in *

that's how women start--

by dropping words like "future" into casual conversation.

Next thing you know, you're drunk at a p.T.A. Meeting.

Oh-ho.

Wait till you fall in love, man,

and your balls are being crushed in a vise.

Then you'll see.

* don't fence me in *

hey, marco.

* don't fence me in *

future.

[Chuckles]

* don't fence me in *

what do you mean, we're not compatible?

You just don't like me anymore?

Of course I like you.

In fact, i more than like you.

But-- wow. That's great.

So we'll just keep dating. [Slurping]

Uh...

Waitress?

i'll be with you in a second.

So I broke up with him.

What? I know. I just--

jimmie, can you think of one good reason not to see me?

I said, "i'm sorry, but it's over.

Well, i--

"i got work commitments...

Work commitments.

I mean... Up the wazoo."

i've got work commitments up the wazoo.

"And, well, i'm raising my standards."

Well, then, just stop working.

"i'm wasting your time."

Hmm?

Have you seen what's out there?

This is great lettuce.

anne, by the year 2010,

women are gonna outnumber men four to one.

monique, I don't wanna waste your time.

It's not your fault that...

Completely self-centered.

You're self-centered.

Well, i'm so sorry

I took you away from your stupid pool tables.

Just don't meet and break up with a guy

before I get home, ok?

See ya. Bye.

[Whispering] I enjoyed--

i'm sorry.

Did--did you say something to me?

Mm-hmm. I said,

[whispering] I enjoyed having lunch with you.

[Whispering] We should do it again sometime.

Jimmie: The minute I met anne,

we sparked in a way that was completely new to me.

She was as relaxed and independent as I was.

I mean, we had the perfect laid-back relationship.

And before we knew it, we'd been together for a year.

Actually, we both forgot,

so we celebrated a week later.

That's how easy everything was.

[Big band music playing]

My friends-- well, they were less fortunate.

Ok, hold on a second.

Ladies and gentlemen, it is time for...

The bouquet toss.

So, if I could get all the single ladies over here.

Come on, let's get out of here.

No, I wanna see this.

All the single women.

marco? Could be your lucky day, buddy.

marco.

Jimmie: In high school, maybe you read "the lottery."

That's the story about this small town

that draws lots every year,

and whoever gets chosen becomes a human sacrifice.

That's the bouquet toss.

[All shouting]

Oh, fuck.

Jimmie: The lottery for weddings.

* there's a boy, a little boy... *

sanzel never had a chance.

[Groaning]

It became a terrifying cycle.

Each wedding meant a bouquet.

Each bouquet was like some airborne spore

bearing the seeds of the next wedding.

* here they come, pouring out... *

one future led to another.

Our numbers dwindled.

And dwindled.

* the lows that will hit you once *

* and hit you once again *

* they will trouble, striking everybody... *

[groaning]

Jimmie: But, anne,

she was as beautiful and as carefree as ever.

It's terrifying!

No, this is fun. I love this.

Oh, I love it when you act all brave.

Come here, you. So cute. Turns me on.

Really?

Yeah, just something to keep in mind for the future.

[Screaming]

Jimmie: That's right. The "f" word.

So, here we are.

Now, what good did all that talk of mustangs do me?

Me and my wife! Let's hear it!

You think I don't know where that thing's heading?

Ladies and gentlemen, may I have all the ladies in the house

on this side of the room?

We're about to toss the bouquet.

Today's human sacrifice is yours truly.

Future.

i've outlasted the rest of them,

and i'm kind of proud of that.

[Applause]

Easy, boy. Nothing to fear.

[Groans]

[Horse whinnying]

My mustang days were about to become a distant memory.

[Hoofbeats thundering]

So long, sweet grasses.

[Panting]

About damn time.

You kept me waiting a long time for this, jimmie.

You know that?

As my last surviving descendant,

you have a sacred duty...

To pass on my genetic material.

That's a lovely sentiment.

You know, for a time I thought you was gonna fail me...

The way your father did.

I wouldn't say dad failed you.

My only child, and what does he leave me with?

One miserable grandson.

'Cause he died in a building collapse.

Yeah. He always had excuses

for everything he did, didn't he?

[Children shouting]

Procreate!

Jimmie, have a look at this.

Oh, yeah. There we go.

That is your grandma's engagement ring.

I only hope that your woman friend has fat fingers.

No.

Has she been examined by a qualified doctor?

Is she fertile?

Look, we're both very healthy, and I love her.

Love don't exist. Here, take that.

There's only the endocrine response.

[Groans]

And that only lasts 5 years, maximum,

according to the great scientists.

And that's the reason you should breed right now.

Steak?

What--what scientists?

Take that. Read it.

Yeah, you know, as time goes on, passion withers,

and sex becomes rarer and rarer...

And rarer.

And, uh, finally, all you're left with...

Is this cold, chaste, loveless shell called marriage

and the incessant irritation of fatherhood.

And the bills keep mounting.

[Children shouting]

And if you don't believe me,

ask the next-door neighbor!

I tell you, jimmie,

to sacrifice your happiness for your descendants,

there's a term for that.

The human condition!

[Rock music playing on jukebox]

Stripes wins, I propose.

And solids?

I don't know. Fake choking on a piece of steak.

For god's sakes, for 3 weeks now,

you've been carrying that ring around,

staring at it, taking anne out to dinner,

not proposing to her.

It's gotta end.

Come on, it's 10 of.

Yeah, and the starlight room's 5 minutes away.

[Chuckles] Oh, the starlight room?

That's where you're taking anne?

So?

"So?"

Every human being on earth

knows there's only one reason

a single man under 50

takes a woman to the starlight room--

to pop the question.

* whoo! *

man: Jimmie shannon.

Just the man i'm looking for.

What do you say, marco?

Yeah.

A word in your ear.

I talked to your grandfather this morning.

Oden sports sent my office

a formal offer to buy the company.

Jimmie: I know.

We're cutting into their market share.

They wanna buy us out,

steal our client list, and then close us down.

shannon billiards is not for sale.

How about we continue this conversation

over some 8 ball?

[Coughs] Market's up, and I got dollars to shed.

Sorry, sid, but we're going through kind of a crisis.

Jimmie's supposed to propose,

and he's lost his nerve.

anne's a catch. Who needs nerve?

Let me guess. The grizzly bear thing.

You know, the manly sense

that you're master of all you survey,

like a grizzly bear.

Mustang.

Wolf.

The question is, do you want to be married?

I love anne.

No, never mind love.

Imagine 2 different cities-- husbandtown and bachelorville.

Which would you want to live in?

Any guy's gonna choose bachelorville.

[Chuckling]

Right?

No.

Most men come to want the ball and chain.

Me, I was like you. I love freedom,

which is why my marriage is a miserable failure.

roy, dry up. Listen,

marriage is the most exquisite expression

of the human spirit.

Now, a good proposal comes not only from love,

but from the desire to be a husband.

Without that desire...

Better wait till you're ready.

I wish I could, sid,

but the thing is...

anne and I have officially reached...

That place.

You mean--

shit or get off the pot.

You're sure? What are the factors?

anne caught a bridal bouquet last month.

Well, serious, but hardly critical.

Tonight's the third anniversary

of our first date.

I got dinner reservations at 8:00.

Even so, it might be possible--

at the starlight room.

Oh. [Sighs]

You know, I don't even know how to propose.

Do I kneel? What do I say?

Just wait for the dom perignon to arrive,

and the thing will practically take care of itself.

What dom perignon?

After the meal,

when the waiter brings the champagne,

just mumble something.

Anything!

It'll all be over with just like that.

It's just the rest of your life to worry about!

Good knowing you!

[Soft jazz playing]

Thanks, brother.

[Elevator bell dings]

Hi.

Oh.

Hey.

Hi. Hi.

Hey.

[Elevator bell dings]

Hi. Hi.

Come on.

[Cork pops]

Your dom perignon, sir.

[Corks popping]

* the first time *

* ever I saw *

are you ready?

* your face *

[gasps]

* I thought the earth *

* moved in my hand *

* and over the stars... *

[clears throat] Well, I have, uh,

kind of a special toast.

Um, it's been 3 years since our first date.

Mm-hmm.

Time has really gone by fast.

Yep.

And, uh, over the past few weeks...

i've, uh, been doing some thinking.

Mm-hmm.

Mainly thinking about, uh, the human condition.

A lot of life comes down to making sacrifices

and deciding which direction is my life gonna go.

* ever I kissed, mmm *

* your mouth *

could you please leave? Thank you very much.

Hmm! Hmm.

* well, I felt your lips... *

are you ok?

Yeah.

Ok.

Anyhow, uh, a lot of life comes down to deciding,

what am I willing to sacrifice?

Because obviously,

if you choose one path in life,

well, you know, you can't choose the other.

And that's kind of where i found myself lately,

ever since we--you and I, in our relationship,

have reached... That place.

"That place"?

[Chuckles]

The upshot is...

You win.

"You win"?

Was that a proposal?

Well, "you win" was just the last part of it.

You know, the whole thing was a proposal.

The "you win" had context.

You see--aren't you even gonna look at it?

But first, can--can we just--

can we just retrace the mental steps

that led to "you win"?

Like when you say that you and I

have reached "that place." What place?

You know what I mean.

Shit or get off the pot?

Did you really just say "shit or get off the pot"

right here in the starlight room?

What is the big deal?

Why couldn't you have just said,

"fish or cut bait"?

We always say "shit or get off the pot."

Everybody says "shit or get off the pot."

Not in the starlight room!

What is it with the starlight room?

Magic, jimmie! Romance?

You know, the whole reason

why you come up here to propose?

You see the lights of the city,

and you have a wonderful meal.

You listen to beautiful music,

and it casts this romantic spell.

But when you say "shit or get off the pot,"

all that magic just suddenly disappears,

and then all you have left is bowel trouble.

Well, i--i'm sorry.

I didn't think you'd get so upset

over, you know, a figure of speech.

It's not the words, jimmie. It's the whole approach.

God, it's as if you--you deliberately...

What?

What?

You don't want to marry me, do you?

I just proposed to you.

Yeah, but the way that you proposed,

you weren't asking me to marry you.

You were asking me to say no.

[Scoffs] Well, just put it on.

All right? Please?

You don't want to be married, jimmie.

And I don't want to be married

to a guy who doesn't want to be married.

[Sighs]

anne, come here.

You know that I love you. It's just--

can't we just leave things the way they are?

Just--just for a while.

Hey, sis. How was the starlight room?

What, he didn't ask?

Oh, yeah, he asked. Barely!

But, anne, i'm confused.

Shouldn't we be phoning home

and popping champagne?

He botched it!

The worst proposal. Really!

Maybe the worst proposal of all time.

But you love the guy. How bad could it be?

How's this for romantic?

"You win."

You win what?

Nothing. Just "you win."

Like the last 3 years have been a poker game,

and I was holding whatever it is that you hold

when you win.

"You win." God, that's brutal.

"You win." "You win."

Could you stop saying it, please?

"You win." Stop it!

Ok, was he hammered?

You'd think so. No.

Everything was perfect. Really perfect.

You know, the music and the view--

and, mm-mm, everything-- but his proposal.

Well, maybe he wrote down a beautiful speech

on a small piece of paper and lost it.

natalie.

This is a once-in-a-lifetime thing.

And not just for me. For him, too.

You know, all I wanted...

Was for him to want to do it right, and he didn't.

And that says everything.

[Telephone rings]

You get it.

[Growls]

[Ring]

[Sighs]

[Ring]

Do you know that in the year 2020,

women are gonna outnumber men four to one?

And you will only have 3 childbearing years left.

[Ring]

anne, talk to him.

Answer the phone!

* you did something to me *

[line ringing]

* somewhere deep inside *

[telephone ringing]

* I planned to get close to you *

* peace I cannot find *

* dance into the fire, yeah *

* just to catch a flame *

[telephone ringing]

* just to get close to just close enough *

* to tell you that *

* you do something to me *

here, another dozen roses.

Jeez, jimmie, like old times again, huh?

Not quite.

Look at you, savoring all those wild flings

you had as a wolf.

i'm not savoring.

Well, at least he's romantic.

When's the last time you bought rita flowers?

She's allergic.

[Chuckles] Listen,

instead of sending a dozen a day,

why don't you just cut to the chase?

Send her a couple hundred thousand at once.

For all the good it'll do you.

You know, max, i have him

to give me this kind of shit.

From you, i'd just like the flowers.

Hmm.

Ok. i'm just telling you man to man,

what you said in the starlight room

was really bad.

I mean, if you want to make up with someone--

just one second.

Who told you about the starlight room?

What does it matter?

'Cause it's personal,

and 'cause it's not a story

I want a whole lot of people knowing.

Now, who told you about the starlight room?

Oh, what, the, uh...

"Shit or get off the pot" proposal?

I heard about it from my dentist.

Excuse me?

My wife told me that story last night.

Son of a bitch insulted barry white.

barry--that was a woman singing, you idiot.

Man: My psychoanalyst couldn't stop talking about it.

It's a bunch of crap if you ask me.

Hey, who was there, you or me, huh?

My best friend's stepsister's cousin

was the maitre d'.

max: Ahem. You should know, jimmie.

Your proposal, it's become an instant urban legend.

i'd hate to think what happens

if this gets back to my grandfather.

[Scattered "amens"]

They said he had no pulse,

no brain waves, nothing,

and he opened his eyes,

sat straight up,

and called the doctor a scum-sucker.

After death? Is that possible?

They said it was a reflex.

How are you holding up?

[Sighs] That's funny.

He was a difficult guy.

I don't know anyone that actually liked him.

But, uh, he was the only family I had left.

Jimmie, can I see you a second?

Well, he's with god now.

Any chance you could come to the office

tomorrow morning?

Yeah. Is there anything wrong?

No, not at all.

As you know, i'm executor of your grandfather's will.

He videotaped it a few years back.

Very hush-hush. Guess we ought to take a look.

i'll be there.

[Blowing]

Human condi-- [Feedback]

[Knocking on door]

Can I have a minute, please?

Alone?

Thank you.

Hi, jimmie.

i'm sorry about your granddad.

These are beautiful.

Ok, I just wanted to tell you I was sorry.

Where are you going?

Gonna go water my apartment.

So, where does that leave us?

Let's just say the door's not closed.

So it's open?

No.

It's ajar.

Ok, so i'm at this mystery door.

What if I push it open?

Can't be pushed.

How about if I knock?

If it's a nice knock, i might answer.

You can close that door behind you.

Before I read my last will and testament,

I just want to make one or two observations

to them who whatsoever should be listening.

i'm, uh, i'm now old,

and one day you, too, are gonna be old...

And you'll spend half your time sleepin'

and the other half eatin'.

That was delicious. And then you'll die.

Ever the gentleman.

Shh! Don't shush me.

Guys.

I, james shannon the first--

[whirring]

What the hell are you doing?

Who told you to zoom in? Back off!

Oh, for pete's sake.

I hearby bequeath my entire estate...

"Estate." To my grandson...

james shannon the third.

That's a few thousand shares...

[Groans]

And quite a large stake...

In u.S.D.A. Cows.

Stake. Yeah, well, that's--no pun intended.

And thanks to the exemplary eating habits

of my fellow americans,

my entire net worth today

is just over a hundred million dollars.

And that is a pretty hefty piece

of "boof borgeegnon."

Yeah.

Breathe, fellas. [Inhaling, exhaling]

Come on. You want me to rewind?

You want me to pause? Ok.

A hundred million dollars.

No, i'm gonna talk about the conditions.

What is this, brewster's millions?

marco: Come on, throw 'em at us!

You and me both!

Would you keep it down!

Now, you moron.

Now's the time you can come in on me.

Come on!

The conditions are that he gets married...

That to guarantee that the union...

Isn't some shabby scam,

that he and his wife remain married

for at least 10 years--

one, zero-- 10 years!

Spending no more than one night apart each month.

And that within 5 years,

they produce genetically verifiable offspring!

i'd like to leave my grandson...

No way.

With one final thought.

Jimmie boy,

if you don't get married before 6:05 p.m...

On your 30th birthday--

that was the time you came into this world--

you're gonna get cut off

without a goddamn cent and f--

roy: I think we get the gist.

So, when is the wedding?

Oh, no.

The night we saw you at the showroom,

you were on your way to the...

The starlight room? That was you?

Yep, that's right. I defiled the starlight room.

And you know what? i'm glad.

Forget the starlight room!

Besides, i am gonna marry anne.

I just have to reconcile myself

to the idea of marriage, that's all.

Yeah, well, you better start reconciling.

Your birthday, it's soon, right?

Like, next week?

No, it's not next week.

Thank god.

It's tomorrow.

It's all set. Gluckman got us the licenses,

and my uncle gus lent me a limo.

Great. Let's get the lady next door.

She can play the organ.

Hey, you think it's easy

settin' up a wedding in an hour and a half?

You're lucky the priest

at my grandmother's nursing home was free.

Yeah, well, there are limits, all right?

[Humming along with walkman]

[Groans] What kind of dumb bitch

lets leonardo dicaprio drown?

What are you babbling about?

She gets a great guy like that

and just lets him slip through her fingers.

natalie, mind your own business.

i'm just thinking out loud.

He probably just tossed her up on that piece of wood

and said, "you win."

[Knocking on door]

There's the priest. What are you feeling right now?

Well-- get over it!

You're marrying the woman you love

and inheriting a fortune.

It's not like you're meeting the grim reaper, man.

[Church bells tolling]

Jimmie shannon? i've come for you.

Bye. Hey, what's that smell?

Hmm?

You're wearing his after-shave, aren't you?

No. It's probably some just left on the sweater or something.

Right, yeah.

Have fun at mom and dad's.

And i'm really sorry that I can't be there

for all the anniversary stuff.

Mmm, yeah, I can see how heartbroken you are.

Huh. Bye.

marco: So, how's my grandmother?

Should I tell her about the money?

Are you kidding me? You're thinking of not?

Do you really wanna start your marriage off with a lie?

No, but she's gonna kill me if I tell her.

Anybody would.

Your call, man.

Give me one of those mints.

What do you think she's gonna say, jim?

"i'm not marrying you until you brush your teeth"?

It would be a very great honor to have your hand--

yes. Yes!

I will. I do. Whatever. Is this thing real?

Yeah. Think she'll say yes?

I don't know.

Suddenly she's gotten really particular.

I can't think why.

Good thing you'll have 3 weeks to rehearse.

3 weeks? Mm-hmm.

Hot assignment in athens. She left a half hour ago.

Heliport.

Hey, running looks desperate.

marco! The heliport!

natalie: Jimmie, you might need the ring.

[Tires screeching]

[Honking]

[Honking]

i'm out of here.

anne! anne!

anne!

Hi. What are you doing?

I tried to call you at the office, but--

do you have a minute?

Yeah, i've got a minute. What is--what is it?

[Panting]

What are you doing?

anne...

Would you do me the great honor of marrying me?

What?

Would you do me the great honor of marrying me?

Yeah. No, no, i heard you.

But why now? Why here?

Just say yes, all right? Please?

I really, really want you to.

Well, that's definitely an improvement.

Is that a yes?

[Thudding sound]

[Tires screech]

What's going on?

Nothing's going on. I love you.

Yeah, I know that,

but what's with the traveling wedding party?

[Engine revving]

What's the point of waiting?

Let's just do it, all right? Today. Now.

Right now, now?

Trust me on this, all right? We gotta seize the moment.

What's important is that I love you

and I want to spend the rest of my life with you.

You're sure? Yes.

You're sure you want to tie the knot?

You're really sure?

You wanna get hitched?

You wanna...Strap on the old ball and chain?

[Horses whinnying, hoofbeats thundering]

Hmm? See?

Now, there's the jimmie shannon that I know.

Where are you going?

You should've seen what I just saw.

What did you just see?

A bachelor.

What are you-- what are you talking about?

You're not ready.

Of course i'm ready!

i'm standing here at a helipad in my tuxedo!

No, you're not. You're not ready.

Don't you understand?

I don't know if you'll ever be ready.

You've won.

What the hell happened?

Oh, jimmie got a look.

A look? I don't understand.

He was wallowing in bachelor memories again.

I still don't understand.

It's over. She took an assignment in athens.

I tried to persuade her, but--

this is bad.

Very bad.

A hundred million dollars bad.

marco: The shannon legend continues.

First the starlight room.

Now the helipad.

Can you show me the look?

Was it, uh... Or...

I don't know what the look was, ok?

'Cause I didn't see it.

And i'm real sorry about the money,

but in case anyone cares,

the woman I love just walked out on me.

Maybe forever.

You can't just walk away from that money.

You saw that video.

If you don't get married,

you're cut off without a goddamn cent and f--

and f--

so, I won't get the money.

i've been fine without it so far.

No, you don't understand. The will provides

that all assets are to be sold for cash,

including shannon billiards.

Man: Can't wait till we're alone.

Woman: Oh!

Woman on p.a.: Welcome on board virgin atlantic airways

nonstop service to london, continuing on to athens.

I love you.

I love you, too.

Our flying time will be approximately 18 hours.

Man over p.a.: Will all ground crew please leave the plane?

Are you saying oden sports could buy the company?

i'm telling you

oden sports will buy the company.

These guys are like locusts.

They buy you out, lay people off,

and strip the place clean.

The whole plant will be gone within a week.

We're screwed.

Not necessarily.

You have until just after 6:00 tomorrow night.

That makes, what, uh...

Oh, 27 hours and change.

Find someone to marry.

Fine, i'll get married just for you.

Well, i'd be happy to entertain

any better ideas.

Anyone?

i'm not hearing anything.

Hear this, ok? I found someone to marry.

Not to be callous, jimmie,

but anne already told you no twice.

They're right, jim. I mean...

You made the decision not to tell anne about the money.

Over is over.

Sid and I are seeing one of your exes tonight.

She's organizing the fund-raising ball

at the steinard.

buckley?

Not buckley.

So it won't be buckley. Find someone else.

i'm sorry. Jobs come and go.

Businesses, too.

But anne is-- there's only one anne.

Yeah, it's real easy

for the three of you to sit there

and tell me to walk away from the woman I love.

But you know something? This is my life

we're talking about here, all right?

My life.

All: Surprise!

* for he's a jolly good fellow *

* for he's a jolly good fellow *

* for he's a jolly good fellow *

* which nobody can deny *

* which nobody can deny *

what about their lives?

This time next week, they'll be out of jobs.

Over 200 families without providers.

Women thrown out in the freezing cold.

Children going to bed on empty stomachs.

Well, if you're really gonna close down the plant,

now's the time to do it.

* for he's a jolly good fellow *

* which nobody can deny *

man: Big 3-0 tomorrow!

[Cheering]

Let's go have some cake!

Yeah!

As I recall, the first 10 years of marriage

fly by like no time at all.

Really?

No.

I don't wanna talk about it.

Ok.

What are you doing?

Cooking.

What are you makin'?

Is it me?

I mean, am I just really bad at being proposed to?

It couldn't have been worse than "you win."

Don't underestimate the guy.

That shithead! He can't commit.

He can't commit. It's over.

What do you mean, he can't commit?

He's constantly asking you to marry him.

But you're not there when he does it.

You don't see what happens to him.

He completely goes to pieces.

His jaw locks and his eyes get all big,

and they start fidgeting.

And he completely goes to this other place.

It's like he's not even there.

Shh! Ok, ok!

He's not even there! Shh!

I know what you need.

i'm not going home with you.

Come on. Please?

It'll be good for you.

See, the agony of being with them

will make whatever you're going through

feel like nothing.

Ok, but if they start,

you're taking me out drinking.

Deal.

[Horse whinnying]

marco: Come on, gorilla. We in manila.

Come on, gorilla! This is the thrilla!

[Horses whinnying, hoofbeats thundering]

[Exhales]

[Sinister chuckle]

Well, well.

Hmm.

Well, this is quite a collection.

Let's land you a trophy wife.

[Groaning]

Hey, how about monique?

No. Dull.

It's between stacey and zoe. I mean...

stacey was terrific, but...

zoe was always there for me.

Clingy, i think you said.

Look, forget about "there for you."

Who do you want to spend the rest of your life with?

[Sighs] anne.

[Sighs]

Choose.

stacey.

[Voices shouting, overlapping]

* my first, my last *

2! 2! 2! I got 2!

Yeah, right over here! 2!

* you're the answer to all my dreams *

* you're my sun, my moon *

* my guiding star *

* you're the first, you're the last *

* my everything *

jimmie shannon!

stacey. Long time no see.

Too long. You look beautiful.

The uh, the hair. That's new, isn't it?

Said like a true guy.

So, pull up a chair.

Ok. Quiet in your pit here today, huh?

It's the opec conference, so we wait.

It's not a great day for a tour of the exchange.

That--that's not exactly why i'm here.

Uh, this is gonna seem kinda sudden,

but something came up that was completely unexpected,

and I thought about you because of...

Well, i've always had great memories of when we dated.

[Telephone rings] Me, too.

The thing is, my grandfather passed away last week.

[Gasps] i'm so sorry.

kuwait walked out!

Buy! Buy! 14 contracts!

14 contracts! Right here! Right here!

[Voices overlapping]

Yeah, 19 bought! Done!

You were saying about your grandfather?

He left me some money. A lot, actually.

5!

A hundred million dollars!

Sell it! Sell it! Sell it!

But there's a condition.

Size! Size! 6! 5! 5!

Up 5-- here's the deal.

To get the inheritance,

I gotta be married by tomorrow.

And I know it's kind of sudden,

but are you interested?

* i'm just a gigolo, and everywhere I go *

* people know the part i'm playing *

she's engaged.

Engaged or married? 'Cause if she's only engaged--

forget about it, all right? It ain't happening.

So, you'll marry zoe.

She was always there for you anyway.

[Squeals] zoe!

I can't breathe.

Oh, me, either. Oh, i'm so excited.

I can't believe this is happening.

i've waited so long.

God! zoe!

What about what's-her-face?

Who? anne.

anne? [Exhales]

She--

well, we, uh--

jeez.

She said no.

Oh, I am just so thrilled that you would think of me next.

Oh, my god. How far down the list am I?

Third.

But what does that matter? I mean...

i'm here because of all the wonderful times

we had together.

We did have some pretty magical times.

In between you leaving me every now and then,

saying I was too clingy.

zoe, i'm sorry. I just--

if you forgive me now and marry me,

I promise you I will never leave you again.

Swear to god that you will stay by my side always?

It'll just be you and me forever?

anne: Come on, natalie. We'll miss the train.

Jimmie: anne?

anne!

* I never thought i'd miss you *

* half as much as I do *

* and I never thought i'd feel this way *

anne! anne!

* the way I feel about you *

anne! [Gasps]

I thought you were anne.

Sorry. That's ok.

Sorry.

[Alarm ringing]

zoe!

zoe: Clingy! He calls me clingy!

* it must be love *

must be a fire sale.

* it must be love *

* love, love *

* nothing more, nothing less *

* love is the best *

I can't believe you. zoe was a lock--a lock!

There's only one man in the world

that would tell a broad she's third on his list

while he's proposing to her--jimmie shannon!

She burned me in effigy.

rita bites her nails. You adjust.

Hey, what's this one's name?

ilana?

Love ilana! Cute, funny.

A bit theatrical, but she'll do.

Hey, if you happen to see anne again,

just remember--

she's on a plane to athens.

Hey, not your shade of green, jerk off?

Come on! What am i doing here?

Man: Ladies and gentlemen, the napa express

is in the station

and continuing on to redding and portland, oregon.

The napa express is departing immediately at 7:23.

All aboard!

[Engine starting]

anne?

anne?

[Sighs]

anne?

[Sighs]

Hmmph.

What are you doing?

i'm documenting my first day of being single.

Great, 'cause we just missed our cab.

You know, i'm really lucky.

Because I came that close

to making the biggest mistake of my life--

that close.

That close.

Come on.

You can tell the nice cab man.

[Singing in italian]

I thought you said she was dying.

She is dying.

[Applause]

Perfect.

Crowd: Encore! Encore!

Encore! Encore! Encore! Encore!

Keep the change.

Keep the change from a 20?

Wasn't that a $4.00 cab ride?

Well, the poor guy had to listen to you.

It's, like, do you think he went to work tonight going,

"gee, I sure hope i get to find out

what's going on with anne and jimmie."

I just wanna know what you're--

"maybe if i'm really lucky i'll find out--"

see? Not another word

out of me about jimmie, ok?

Ok. Ok.

But, hey, hey, hey. Let's just not talk

about this with them, ok? 'Cause i--

please, god, make it stop.

Ah!

Both: Hi! Happy anniversary.

Thank you. i'll get the bags.

Oh, dale, missing you already.

[Chuckling]

Ok, how can I say this politely?

If you hadn't walked in here just now,

i'd have forgotten you even existed.

I mean, joey, you strut onto my stage

and dangle money in front of my face

like i'm gonna swoon,

when all I even remember about you

is we screwed a couple times.

And I recall thinking

you look nice with your shirt off--

but then again, so do I.

These are completely bent. They suck.

She didn't remember you, huh?

She did--vaguely.

Oh, vaguely! That's good.

i'll tell you, man.

What goes around comes around.

I have no idea what you mean by that.

Yeah, right.

Oh, I got it. It's my fault

that some girl I hooked up with a few years back

isn't chomping at the bit to marry me.

What goes around comes around.

All right, man, come on.

We need a name and a number.

Let's go. carolyn.

carolyn? Oh, yeah! The eternal student.

The kids will be bright.

They'll have no friends, but they'll be bright.

Flowers.

I bet you've never even considered

the symbolism of a traditional wedding.

Give me a break, carolyn. I--i was an econ major.

Well, then it's right up your alley,

because that's what it is.

It is a ritualized property transfer.

Father/seller arrives with daughter/property,

who is wearing a white dress to guarantee

that the merchandise is, you know, unspoiled.

And a religious figure sanctifies the sale,

and daughter property becomes wife property.

It's beautiful, really. It's just--it's precious.

Look, this man/potential groom...

Doesn't have the time/energy

to put up with this feminist/ pseudo-psychological bullshit.

Yes or no?

Glad to see you still got balls.

I don't believe in marriage.

Neither do I, all right?

That's the beauty of this offer.

It's a marriage

for people who don't believe in marriage.

Your outlook, jimmie, is so totally patriarchal--

right down to these roses,

which are the classic male overture to seduction.

See, that's funny, because, you know,

I always just thought of them as flowers.

I mean, they certainly smell like flowers.

No. It's symbolism.

They just happen to be the plant's vagina.

[Groans] Come on!

It's true.

That symbolism is the reason men give flowers.

Why would a man give a woman a symbolic vagina?

Why wouldn't he?

It just happens to signal

that his intentions go beyond platonic.

It lets her know what he ultimately wants.

carolyn, i'm not interested

in your goddamn vagina, all right?

I just want to marry you!

* hit the road, jack, and don't ya come back *

* no more, no more, no more, no more *

* hit the road, jack *

* and don't ya come back no more *

* a-what you say? *

* hit the road, jack *

* and don't ya come back no more, no more *

* no more, no more *

* hit the road, jack *

[sputtering, hissing]

So, thinking ahead,

if daphne says no, who do we go for?

Be serious. We need daphne.

I mean, who's left? monique?

We need daphne, all right?

monique is...Dull.

Her life is eggplants and bean sprouts,

lettuce, brussels sprouts, broccoli--

* i'm so sad and lonely *

* oh, lonely, oh, lonely, lonely, lonely *

* won't some sweet mama come and rescue me *

* 'cause I ain't so bad *

oh, this is so exciting! [Giggles]

No peeking!

Oh, well, all right.

No peeking.

No, no, not at all.

All right, there.

[Giggling]

Ok.

Oh. Oh, dale. Oh, no!

Go ahead, mo. Open the box.

Oh! Oh, I can't!

Yes, yes, you can! Open the box.

Open it!

Oh! All right. [Gasps]

Oh, it's so beautiful!

You're so beautiful.

Oh!

[Moaning, giggling]

Mom.

That's why people don't go out with you.

[Moaning, giggling continue]

Wait. I have to go to the bathroom.

[Both giggling]

Don't be too long.

i'll be back as quick as I can.

[Giggling]

[Sighs]

Missing you already!

natalie and I were talking about going to get a drink,

if that's ok with you.

Ok? You kidding?

Your mother and i have got plenty

to keep ourselves amused.

Drink? Drink!

[People chattering]

[Ticking]

Man: Move aside.

[Siren]

[Scuffling]

Man: Through here.

Come on.

I got him from here.

Get him the hell into cell 6--

and nobody talks to him but me.

Man: You got it.

[Growls] Hey, hey, hey, hey!

You think i'm playing some kind of game with you, huh?

I don't play good cop, bad cop. It requires too much patience.

I go straight to bad cop, worse cop.

Now behave.

You heard the lady-- move it!

Jimmie shannon!

daphne.

See you're still enjoying your job.

Yeah.

You look great.

[Man groans] Cop: Hey!

Did you lose some weight or something?

[Man groaning]

Stay down, ya stinkin' mope,

before I hammer your nuts all the way to your tonsils!

[Moans]

12 pounds. Can you tell?

[Grunts, groans]

Aah! Would you relax?

Relax? Wait. Let me get this straight.

You're saying take this money

and give up any chance

of ever finding true and meaningful love?

Well, i'm only kind of saying that.

What is wrong with you?

What is wrong with me?

Jimmie, what is wrong with you?

I mean, don't you want to marry someone you love?

Unfortunately, for me,

at this point, that is not an option.

Well, fortunately, for me it is.

Well, i--i guess i've always had this dream

that i'd, you know, open up my own restaurant

and kind of have this--

[laughs] You don't want to hear about this.

No, monique, no.

i'd definitely like to hear about this.

Well, it would be more than a restaurant.

You know, it would be more like a new approach to food.

I mean, take salad.

People hear "salad," and they think lettuce, right?

And usually iceberg lettuce, especially americans.

They don't realize

just all the different varieties and kinds of lettuce,

and all the things that can be done.

brussels sprouts. brussels sprouts.

So, people go through their day in kind of a fog,

but if they really stopped and looked,

they'd realize that the brussels sprout

is more than just another green vegetable.

* tomato, tomato *

* let's call the whole thing off *

* oh, let's call the whole thing off *

...cabbage.

Sid: How could you strike out 6 times?

It hasn't been pretty.

On the last one, he says he blanked.

And you mentioned the money?

Sid, that's what happened, all right?

I just lost my ability to...

Carry on a conversation.

You used to date her!

So, what do you want me to do,

mime the proposal?

Yes!

And you mentioned the money?

What in hell kind of women are these?

Enough, all right? Where is she?

[Whispering] buckley.

Ok, crunch time.

Seventh game of the world series.

Bottom of the ninth, two outs, full count.

This is our last chance.

There's no tomorrow, got it?

4 cliches ago.

237 jobs, man.

Just give me the damn symbolic vaginas.

You are sick.

Nice to see you, buckley.

Oh, jimmie. You didn't have to.

Well, I wanted to.

Truth is, ever since we stopped dating i've--

well, i've thought about you a lot.

And what have you been thinking?

Well, i've been thinking

that of all the women i've dated,

you are without question

the, uh...

Most poised.

i'm sure you're right.

Yeah. And lately i've...

Realized I could use more poise in my life.

[Clears throat]

Jimmie, what are you doing?

You must be wondering what we're doing here.

No.

No?

roy o'dell told me

all about your grandfather's will.

i'll marry you.

You will? Mmm.

I mean, j-just like that?

Mm-hmm.

The hale-winter family situation is eroding.

We could use an infusion.

Sacrifices must be made.

[Stamps out cigarette]

Get up, jimmie.

[Man singing in spanish to salsa beat]

[Laughing]

Oy.

Ah!

[Laughing] Ok. Oh, my goodness.

[Squeals, laughs]

Oh, this is fun!

i'd forgotten how much fun this can be!

It took you 22 san miguels to realize that?

Really nice guys, huh?

Mm-hmm.

Viable choices. [Squeals]

[Woman singing ballad]

Um...

Can I cut in? Yeah.

Cut in. Hi. Oh, god.

Oh, god.

[Sighs]

How come mom and dad like each other so much?

I know.

It's hard to take, but it would be really--

it would be really nice to have.

Yeah.

For those of us who don't already have it.

Hey, where's marco?

He went to pick up buckley's dress.

It's been on standby

since the family picassos

went up for auction.

One hundred million dollars.

[Sighs] One hundred million dollars!

One-zero-zero million dollars.

10 times 10 million dollars.

100 million dollars.

J-just remember,

buckley can be very loving.

Uh, father, would you zip me, please?

[String quartet playing]

[Zips]

[Clears throat]

Ok, i'm ready.

Assembled mourners--

uh, wrong service, father.

Oh, is it?

100 million dollars. 100 million dollars.

100 million dollars.

Dearest, any, uh, chance you could say that silently?

Why don't we skip the pet names?

This is a business arrangement,

pure and simple.

It's a little more than that.

We'll be spending a lot of time together.

I don't see why.

You'll keep your place in the city,

i'll stay in marin, and we'll see each other

when we absolutely need to.

Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today--

i'm sorry, father.

roy, what did you tell her about the will's provisions?

I--i don't recall my exact words.

We can only spend one night apart a month.

One night together a month.

Pardon me.

Sid: Nice job.

[String quartet stops playing]

Now, does the will require

that we sleep in the same bed,

or would, say, twin beds create a problem?

No, none at all.

Opposite wings in a enormous manor?

As long as you're under the same roof.

Continue, please, father.

[String quartet resumes]

Don't worry. We'll adjust.

That will hardly be necessary.

3 years will be over before we know it.

Oh, lord.

3? Go on, go on.

To join these people in holy matrimony--

excuse me, father. roy?

I--i may have misspoken.

The marriage has to last longer.

roy! 10 years.

A decade?

Pardon me.

[String quartet stops playing]

And in 10 years i go free?

Free as a bird!

With my half of the estate?

Yes.

[String quartet resumes]

[Sighs]

And I can live anywhere and with anyone I want?

If you choose,

you can leave the children and move to afghanistan.

Father: Do you, jimmie...

Children?

Don't worry. You have 5 years.

Take this buckley...

[Groans]

100 million dollars.

buckley?

Children within 5 years.

100 million dollars.

Children within 5 years.

[Engine starts]

One kid, that's all!

Do like the english. As soon as he can crawl,

ship him off to boarding school.

You can have an epidural!

[Tires screeching]

roy, let's go.

i've got to fill out some paperwork.

What paperwork?

What are you talking about?

Freeze the company's accounts

to prepare it for sale.

You're cutting us off without a goddamn dime!

You think I want to?

We won't get paid without that money.

i'll lose my home.

So if I act illegally, i'll lose mine!

Hey, you have 3 homes!

i'm a lawyer.

Look, there's still 17 hours, all right?

Let's not panic.

i'll think of someone.

Well, you better.

We've got our backs to the wall.

Time for desperate measures. What about my daughter?

Absolutely not.

Why not?

She's isn't good enough for you?

She's 15!

Well, it's pretty late in the game

for you to be mr. choosy.

[Sighs]

roy, give me a lift home.

i'm too disgusted to drive.

From now on, we're only dating divorcés.

[Laughing] Why?

'Cause we'll know they're already ready.

[Both laughing]

Or widowers, then. Can't forget the widowers.

Yeah. If only jimmie had one dead wife, right?

Then he'd be ready.

Or two. Or two.

Imagine if he had two. Boy.

Yeah, then you guys would be married, huh?

Do you think he'll call?

annie, he doesn't even know you're here.

Yeah, that's right.

Can you imagine jimmie at that salsa club tonight?

Oh, my god.

Trying to do that rico suave dip move?

Oh, my gosh. The riverdancer who's hot.

He always, always kicks me in the shins,

and he scrunches my toes.

Yeah, that would have been hysterical to watch him try.

Call him.

What do you mean, call him?

Ok. What do I say?

That you love him,

and you'll keep seeing each other...

As long as he doesn't propose.

That's it! That is it!

Calm down.

The sun! The sun, it's rising!

marco, marco, just sit down, all right?

The important thing is to find me a bride.

Ok? Now, i'm thinking here.

You're thinking?

[Laughing] Well, zippity-doo-dah!

Hey, he's thinking!

I--i hear the flowers bursting into song!

Ha ha ha ha ha! Hey, hey, listen.

marco!

One moment, sir. The wheels are turning.

Ah, yes! Proof positive indeed that there is a god.

You know why?

Because my friend jimmie shannon

has finally experienced brain activity.

Hey, hey! Let's hear what he has to say, huh?

Pray, do tell.

It's not them. It's me.

They can see it in my face, just like anne.

They know I don't want to get married.

That's it.

Where you going?

To get you a wife.

Well-- alone.

You think i'm gonna sit back and let you pick my wife?

Hey, it's our only hope.

What the hell is that supposed to mean?

You know how many times you've proposed now? 10!

No, 9, and that includes anne.

Excuse me. 10.

What am I supposed to do, just wait here?

Just be at st. peter and paul church at 5:00.

i'll have someone.

Don't forget the priest. And happy birthday!

[Line ringing]

He's still not there!

natalie: Leave a message on the answering machine.

It's not picking up.

Oh, no.

The next train doesn't leave until 1:15.

You're kidding!

No.

Well, let's go anyway.

Ok.

[Trip hammer pounding]

So much for sleeping.

What time did you say we can get into that church?

2:30.

That gives us hours.

You got any ideas?

[Sighs]

They all make it look so easy.

Priest: Been a long night, huh?

No kidding.

It's grueling out there.

You definitely made the right decision,

as far as the whole celibacy thing.

I believe we were put here

to love and cherish one another.

Sharing your life with someone you love

is a blessing.

Somebody very wise taught me that.

jesus?

My wife.

You're married?

I was happily married for 26 years.

I only put on this collar when my wife died.

i'm the father of 4 and the grandfather of 10.

A priest with grandchildren. That's the youngest.

Took his first steps last tuesday.

Getting married

was one of the best things I ever did.

You know, it's a wonderful thing,

as time goes by, to be with someone

who looks into your face when you've gotten old

and still sees what you think you look like.

* the first time *

* ever I saw your face *

* I thought the sun *

* rose in your eyes *

* your face *

welcome to the other side.

* your face *

* your face *

best thing you ever did, huh?

* your face *

woman: Hello?

Who's this?

Who's this?

It's anne.

Oh, anne! It's rita.

Hey, mr. all-nighter.

It's anne looking for jimmie.

[Coughing]

anne! How's greece?

Oh, hi, marco. Where's jimmie?

He's not home? We were out.

You know, boy stuff.

And you ended up with his phone.

What did you do to him?

Hey, take it easy.

You going to athens nearly cost me my job--

not to mention breaking his heart.

Well, um, i--i didn't go.

I didn't go. I never went.

i'm here in mendocino with--

annie!

Yeah, ok. With natalie.

We're taking the 1:15 home,

so can you find jimmie, and, um, will you--

well, find jimmie and just tell him

that I really, really

want to see him for dinner, ok?

Yeah. Ok. Thanks.

[Train horn blows]

Hurry!

So, this is where i'm gonna tie the knot--

me and marco's mystery bride.

Why don't you try to get some sleep?

If I shut my eyes, i'll want to sleep forever.

Well, you got about 3 hours.

Here. Hold on. Here.

There you go.

Maybe when you wake up...

The world will look a lot different.

roy: So, they get in at 5:50.

Which leaves us only 15 minutes

to get to the church and get them married.

Tight, but doable.

Does she know about last night?

Like i'm gonna tell her. That's jimmie's problem.

If he had had more balls in the first place--

the thing is, he's not home,

and I have his cell phone.

Have you heard from him?

Not a word.

Oh! Good news, darlin'. You're off the hook.

[Chuckling]

Well, I guess the only thing is to get to the church.

What?

There'll be some disappointed brides there,

but, hey, they'll get over it.

Some?

Half a dozen, a dozen, tops.

I put an ad in the classifieds.

Very good thinking.

Thanks. It cost me some bucks.

Plus I had to send them a picture.

For the classified?

* could you be loved *

"could you love this man for 100--"

what? What is this?

Read it! Did you see this?

Oh, no way! Go on!

* and be loved *

* don't let them fool you *

* or even try to school you *

* oh, no *

* we've got to find a home *

* so go to hell *

* if what you're thinkin' leaves me crying *

* love would never leave us alone *

* the darkness must come out the light *

[squeals]

* could you be loved *

* and be loved *

* lonely road is rocky, and you may stumble, too *

* so while you point your fingers *

* someone else is judging you *

* could you be, could you be, could you be loved *

* could you be, could you be loved *

* could you be, could you be, could you be loved *

* could you be, could you be loved *

* could you be loved *

hmm.

* and be loved *

* could you be loved *

what time is it?

Uh, I got 10 to 5:00.

Who said you could speak, asshole?

Look, this is not my fault.

I only put an ad in the classifieds.

Hey, maybe we could sue.

[Growling]

Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!

Or I swear i'll break your scrawny neck

with my bare hands!

According to him-- who better remain silent--

anne'll be here by 6:00 at the latest.

We got 5 minutes for a wedding service.

If we keep the church, we're golden.

What the hell?

[Women chattering]

Oh, poor jimmie.

Oops.

[Organ music playing]

[Women chattering]

Oh! Get off my train!

Hello, handsome.

Shh!

Well, hello there!

Let's get the hell out of here, huh?

I got my bike outside.

Don't even think about it.

Let go, you freak!

"Freak"? He's mine, you hippo!

In your dreams!

Take it easy!

Oh, johnnie, johnnie!

Pick me! i'll make you so happy.

It was like you were dead in heaven!

It's "jimmie."

You're my last chance!

[Sobs] My last chance!

princeton university, mr. shannon--

the same college as brooke shields.

Hey, he didn't say nothing in the paper about education.

Is that important?

Yes, you have to tell us how you're choosing.

Yeah!

Yeah, we need criteria!

Fair is fair, honey. Come on. Give us criteria!

All: Criteria! Criteria!

Criteria! Criteria!

Criteria! Criteria!

Hold it! Calm down!

Please, calm down! Lookit!

Uh, my criteria are, uh,

you know, the same as any man's.

Answer the damn question!

Hey, look, this is a difficult situation.

Now, i'm not gonna rush through it

and risk hurting people's feelings.

He was firm! Oh, I love that in a man!

And yet, somehow, still sensitive.

Woman: Oh, shut up!

Is religion a criteria?

Absolutely not.

How about education? Is that a criterion?

I suppose some college would be a plus.

All: College?

A plus, but not a requirement.

How about english? Habla español?

She has to speak english.

[Women shouting in spanish]

i'm sorry. I got to draw the line somewhere.

[Shouting in spanish]

[Shouting]

Woman: Sorry.

How's about looks?

Looks?

Yeah, looks.

Well, now, see, that--that's a hard question,

because, as you know, physical attraction is, uh--

well, i-it's a chemistry thing, really.

What she means is, should we all clear out now

and just leave you with the skinny blonds?

I--i didn't say that.

But we are talking about weight limit, aren't we?

Well--

how much? What's the weight criteria?

Woman: Right on, sister!

I don't know. Uh...

150?

Woman: 150? [Shouting]

150? You know, you don't get a set like these at 150!

So, why don't you just say skinny blonds

and get it over with?

[With deep voice] Skinny blondes

with big jugs.

Don't put that cliche on me, all right?

But you just said your criteria

were the same as most other men.

Yeah, most other men like blonds.

It's a simple syllogism.

Yeah, but even so--

hey! Do you like blonds?

i'm not gonna say i don't like blonds!

Excuse me. Excuse me.

Ladies!

[Room quiets]

Ladies and, uh... Ladies.

As the priest of this church,

I feel it is my holy duty

to inform you that, uh, this man has no money

and has no intention of marrying any of you.

marco, no, no!

[Women shouting]

The whole thing was, uh, well, a prank,

and it went a little too far, you know?

Anyway, if we could clear out the church

as quickly as possible.

marco, no! No!

We have to make way for a real wedding, ok?

Go in peace.

It's not true! No! He's lying, all right?

Oh, who are we supposed to believe, huh?

You, or a priest?

What you think? You think you some kind of comedian--

getting us all excited and dressed up,

just so you can slap us in the face?

I don't think so. Excuse me, baby.

I don't want to get rowdy up in this church, but I will.

Now, somebody getting married up in here today,

and it better be me.

You're all alike!

You lead us on, then won't commit.

Is that how you get your kicks,

playing with women's hopes and dreams?

Thank god i'm bisexual.

[Clamoring]

Hey, take it easy! Jeez!

Uhh!

Ok, ok, a couple of questions.

First i'm wondering,

since I wake up in a church full of brides,

what is my face doing

on the front page of the paper? Answer?

Sid: anne's here--or will be.

Get back, you animals!

Woman: i'm gonna break your head off!

Her train arrives in 40 minutes.

Jimmie: Cut the crap!

There's no direct trains

from athens to san francisco.

No, it's true, jimmie.

Yeah, she wants to have dinner with you.

Dinner?

Yeah! From now on, we do it my way!

All right? Agreed?

All: Agreed!

All right. Ok.

Uh, all right.

i'm too excited to think. What do we do?

Well, we obviously can't have a wedding

in a church infested with brides.

Exactly. Uh, can you get to the station?

What? In 40 minutes?

Yes! Thank you.

Guys, i'm leaving you to take care of this mob.

Don't let me down.

marco: Crazy broads! Come on!

That will be $400.

i'll give you double if you can have it

at the station in half an hour.

[Chuckling] A customer gets what a customer wants.

You're my man.

Ciao.

[Whistling]

Hey! Dirt bag!

Uh, ladies--

let's get him!

[Clamoring]

There he is!

Hang on! [Tires squealing]

Woman: i'll squash you with my bare hands!

Take me to the station as fast as you can!

[Women groaning]

Man over p.a.: You'll be delighted to hear

we're arriving 5 minutes early.

Oh, my god. Um, annie?

You're not going to like this.

Man over p.a.: The northbound city of seattle

is ready for boarding on track number 16.

Ladies and gentlemen, train 623, the napa express

has arrived at 5:49...

anne!

anne!

...in the station at 5:49, track number 2.

anne!

anne!

anne! anne!

[Panting] anne, do you have a second?

anne, there's something--

I just got to say something to you.

You're not going to propose again, are you?

Well--

well, 'cause you just really wouldn't want

to let a girl down for a third time.

I know, I know, but today

I was at the palace of fine arts, all right?

And I was out on the lake with this priest, right?

It was really romantic.

We were there a couple of years ago,

do you remember?

Suddenly i had this image

of your hair going into your eye,

and i--i remember...

I pulled it back,

and there was this freckle, and...

H-have you been crying?

[Sobs] No.

anne...

This has been the worst day of my life, all right?

You obviously know about the money.

What you don't know is that I had to do it.

I mean, I would have been responsible

for closing down the whole company. I...

I don't even know if you know

that i'm not married, which i'm not,

but I want to be, i just...

Would you please say something?

Why didn't you tell me?

I--i guess I just didn't trust you to believe me,

that I wanted to marry you first,

and that the money was,

I don't know, like a really big wedding gift.

But i've spent the whole night

asking every woman in the world to marry me.

"Every woman"?

You asked buckley?

Everyone... But the one I want.

What was that that you were saying about my freckle?

It's still there.

If you want to walk away, i understand,

but I just really got to tell you this.

Today I realized that the only thing

that's really special about me is you.

And I can spend my whole life scared and alone,

rowing around with some priest,

or I could tell you how much I love you,

that you make me so happy...

And that if it takes our whole married life

for me to make it up to you,

I would be so honored just to have that chance.

I just want to be with you.

Oh, my god.

Now, that was a proposal.

We gotta go. Come on, we gotta go.

Ok! We gotta go!

Father! Stay with him.

We'll get anne. Come on, roy.

Yeah, leave it to abbott and costello.

anne: Where'd you get this?

Some preppy girl threw it over the staircase

on the concourse and ran off with another girl.

[Fabric ripping]

[People chattering]

Sid: Yo! Jimmie!

11 minutes to spare. Not bad, huh?

What do you mean? Where's anne?

With natalie, changing.

[All laughing]

natalie?

You look stunning.

I do? Mm-hmm.

Yeah, ok. Maybe you're right.

I do.

i'm missing you already.

Oh.

Come on!

Where's jimmie?

Oh!

* give me land, lots of land under starry skies above *

* don't fence me in *

get back here! Take it like a man!

* don't fence me in *

* let me be by myself in the evening breeze *

* listen to the murmur of the cottonwood trees *

oh, come on! Jiminy christmas!

[Jimmie yelling]

* don't fence me in *

* don't fence me in *

jimmie! Hey, jimmie!

Jimmie! Jimmie! Jimmie! Where's the priest?

You lost the priest?

Move it, fat boy!

anne!

anne!

[Siren blares]

Officer over p.a.: Move away from the vehicle!

anne!

Excuse me.

anne!

Priest over p.a.: Dearly beloved,

we are gathered today

to join 2 people in holy matrimony.

Jimmie, if you can hear this, give us a nod.

Good.

anne? Is anne out there?

Jimmie: I can't see her!

anne!

anne?

Over here, father!

Ahem. We are gathered here in the sight of god

and the presence of this company...

anne!

To join jimmie shannon and anne arden

in holy matrimony.

Oh, jesus!

Uh, the, uh, the union of husband and, uh--

never mind. Jimmie?

Do you take this anne to have and to hold,

for richer, for poorer,

in sickness and in health, forsaking all others

as long as you both shall live?

Jimmie!

I do.

I do!

I thought you would.

Uh, anne, do you take this jimmie,

to have and to hold, for better or for worse,

for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health,

forsaking all others for as long as you both shall live?

I do!

Up with her now.

i've got her.

I do.

Priest: anne, I can't hear you.

I do!

anne?

Shut up!

[Crowd quiets]

Huh!

Oh, my gosh! How beautiful.

Oh, how beautiful!

Listen.

Can I talk to you for just a second?

i've been proposed to...

Really badly...

A lot, and, uh,

and then proposed to, um,

pretty great, actually.

And, um, well, jimmie,

he--he's not perfect,

but I love him.

And, well, he loves me.

So I think that... He should be my husband.

There's my cake.

So, could this...

Could this please be my day?

Crowd: Awww!

[Crowd cheering]

And now, by the power vested in me by god,

I pronounce you husband and wife.

[Laughs]

Cake for everybody! Who wants cake?

Here you go, sweetheart. Have some cake.

There we go. Here we go. Here you go, sweetheart.

Take some cake here.

rita!

Ha ha ha!

[Both laughing]

Woman: Throw the bouquet!

Throw the bouquet!

* your love keep on lifting *

* higher *

* higher and higher *

* I said your love *

* keep on *

* lifting me higher and higher *

* listen, now once i was downhearted *

* disappointment was my closest friend *

* but then you came, and it soon departed *

* and you know he never showed his face again *

* that's why your love *

* keep on lifting me *

* higher *

* higher and higher *

* I said your love *

* keep on *

* lifting me higher and higher *

* all right *

* ooh, ooh-ooh-ooh *

* i'm so glad *

* I finally found you *

* yes, that one-in-a-million girl *

* and now with my loving arms around you *

* honey, I can stand up *

* and face the world *

* let me tell you your love *

* keep on lifting me *

* higher *

* higher and higher *

* all right, now, sock it to me *

* hold me, lift me up over *

* keep my love going *

* higher and higher *

* I said keep on lifting *

* lift me up, mama *

* keep on lifting *

captioning made possible by new line home entertainment

captioned by the national captioning institute --www.Ncicap.Org--