All language subtitles for The.Bachelor.1999.1080p.WEBRip.x264-RARBG

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[music playing]

* oh, give me land,
lots of land *

* under starry skies above *

* don't fence me in *

* let me ride through
the wide open country *

* that I love *

* don't fence me in *

* let me be by myself
in the evening breeze *

* listen to the murmur
of the cottonwood trees *

* send me off forever,
but I ask you, please *

[chuckling]
* don't fence me in *

* don't fence me in *

[whinnying]

* just turn me loose, let me
straddle my own saddle *

* underneath
the western skies *

* on my cayuse
let me wander *

* over yonder till I see
the mountains rise *

* I want to ride
to the ridge *

* where the west
commences *

* gaze at the moon
until I lose my senses... *

jimmie: In his heart,

every man
is a wild, untamed mustang.

Now, that may sound
pretty stupid.

It may even be
pretty stupid.

But it's true, more or less.

I mean, in africa, men
are probably leopards or rhinos.

In india, i'm sure
they're bengal tigers.

Here you go. One, two--
what comes next?

And even here in america,
not all men go for mustangs.

Jimmie, we gotta talk.

My friend marco--
he's a wolf.

[Growling]

He says the symbol of manhood
shouldn't be a vegetarian.

Listen to what rita
said to me last night.

She said, "in the future,
let's avoid thai food."

What, do you have
too much lemongrass?

No, jimmie,
she said, "future."

You know what? Everybody
i know says "future."

Sanzel,
you say "future"?

Future.

Hodgman, bolt, stone, huh?
Future?

[Together] Future.

There you go.

Damn it,
they're not women!

Jimmie: So, mustangs.
Mustanghood.

It's a feeling
of complete freedom.

You're young, you're strong.

You have
no one to answer to.

Nothing to do
but run the open plain.

And your whole life is centered
on one primal force:

The endless quest for--

[country music playing,
people chattering]

Uh, let's stick
with the analogy.

Call it "sweet grasses."

A mustang is driven to get
as much grass as possible...

And a variety.

Tall grasses,
shorter grasses,

dark grass, blond grass.

You spend your days
in a constant search

for that next
succulent patch.

It's a beautiful life.

* don't fence me in *

that's how women
start--

by dropping words like "future"
into casual conversation.

Next thing you know, you're
drunk at a p.T.A. Meeting.

Oh-ho.

Wait till
you fall in love, man,

and your balls are being
crushed in a vise.

Then you'll see.

* don't fence me in *

hey, marco.

* don't fence me in *

future.

[Chuckles]

* don't fence me in *

what do you mean,
we're not compatible?

You just don't like me
anymore?

Of course I like you.

In fact,
i more than like you.

But--
wow. That's great.

So we'll just keep dating.
[Slurping]

Uh...

Waitress?

i'll be with you
in a second.

So I broke up with him.

What?
I know. I just--

jimmie, can you think of
one good reason not to see me?

I said, "i'm sorry,
but it's over.

Well, i--

"i got
work commitments...

Work commitments.

I mean...
Up the wazoo."

i've got work commitments
up the wazoo.

"And, well, i'm
raising my standards."

Well, then,
just stop working.

"i'm wasting your time."

Hmm?

Have you seen
what's out there?

This is
great lettuce.

anne,
by the year 2010,

women are gonna
outnumber men four to one.

monique, I don't wanna
waste your time.

It's not your fault that...

Completely
self-centered.

You're self-centered.

Well, i'm so sorry

I took you away from
your stupid pool tables.

Just don't meet
and break up with a guy

before I get home, ok?

See ya.
Bye.

[Whispering]
I enjoyed--

i'm sorry.

Did--did you say
something to me?

Mm-hmm.
I said,

[whispering] I enjoyed
having lunch with you.

[Whispering] We should
do it again sometime.

Jimmie:
The minute I met anne,

we sparked in a way
that was completely new to me.

She was as relaxed
and independent as I was.

I mean, we had the perfect
laid-back relationship.

And before we knew it,
we'd been together for a year.

Actually, we both forgot,

so we celebrated
a week later.

That's how easy
everything was.

[Big band music playing]

My friends--
well, they were less fortunate.

Ok, hold on a second.

Ladies and gentlemen,
it is time for...

The bouquet toss.

So, if I could get all
the single ladies over here.

Come on, let's get
out of here.

No, I wanna see this.

All the single women.

marco? Could be
your lucky day, buddy.

marco.

Jimmie: In high school,
maybe you read "the lottery."

That's the story
about this small town

that draws lots every year,

and whoever gets chosen
becomes a human sacrifice.

That's the bouquet toss.

[All shouting]

Oh, fuck.

Jimmie: The lottery
for weddings.

* there's a boy,
a little boy... *

sanzel never had a chance.

[Groaning]

It became
a terrifying cycle.

Each wedding
meant a bouquet.

Each bouquet was like
some airborne spore

bearing the seeds
of the next wedding.

* here they come,
pouring out... *

one future led to another.

Our numbers dwindled.

And dwindled.

* the lows
that will hit you once *

* and hit you once again *

* they will trouble,
striking everybody... *

[groaning]

Jimmie: But, anne,

she was as beautiful
and as carefree as ever.

It's terrifying!

No, this is fun.
I love this.

Oh, I love it
when you act all brave.

Come here, you.
So cute. Turns me on.

Really?

Yeah, just something to
keep in mind for the future.

[Screaming]

Jimmie: That's right.
The "f" word.

So, here we are.

Now, what good did all that
talk of mustangs do me?

Me and my wife!
Let's hear it!

You think I don't know
where that thing's heading?

Ladies and gentlemen, may I have
all the ladies in the house

on this side of the room?

We're about to toss
the bouquet.

Today's human sacrifice
is yours truly.

Future.

i've outlasted
the rest of them,

and i'm kind of proud
of that.

[Applause]

Easy, boy.
Nothing to fear.

[Groans]

[Horse whinnying]

My mustang days were about
to become a distant memory.

[Hoofbeats thundering]

So long, sweet grasses.

[Panting]

About damn time.

You kept me waiting
a long time for this, jimmie.

You know that?

As my last
surviving descendant,

you have a sacred duty...

To pass on
my genetic material.

That's
a lovely sentiment.

You know, for a time I thought
you was gonna fail me...

The way your father did.

I wouldn't say
dad failed you.

My only child,
and what does he leave me with?

One miserable grandson.

'Cause he died
in a building collapse.

Yeah. He always
had excuses

for everything he did,
didn't he?

[Children shouting]

Procreate!

Jimmie,
have a look at this.

Oh, yeah.
There we go.

That is your grandma's
engagement ring.

I only hope that your woman
friend has fat fingers.

No.

Has she been examined
by a qualified doctor?

Is she fertile?

Look, we're both very
healthy, and I love her.

Love don't exist.
Here, take that.

There's only
the endocrine response.

[Groans]

And that only lasts
5 years, maximum,

according to
the great scientists.

And that's the reason
you should breed right now.

Steak?

What--what scientists?

Take that.
Read it.

Yeah, you know, as time
goes on, passion withers,

and sex becomes
rarer and rarer...

And rarer.

And, uh, finally,
all you're left with...

Is this cold, chaste,
loveless shell called marriage

and the incessant irritation
of fatherhood.

And the bills
keep mounting.

[Children shouting]

And if you don't
believe me,

ask the next-door neighbor!

I tell you, jimmie,

to sacrifice your happiness
for your descendants,

there's a term for that.

The human condition!

[Rock music playing
on jukebox]

Stripes wins, I propose.

And solids?

I don't know. Fake choking
on a piece of steak.

For god's sakes,
for 3 weeks now,

you've been carrying
that ring around,

staring at it,
taking anne out to dinner,

not proposing to her.

It's gotta end.

Come on, it's 10 of.

Yeah, and the starlight room's
5 minutes away.

[Chuckles]
Oh, the starlight room?

That's where you're
taking anne?

So?

"So?"

Every human being
on earth

knows there's
only one reason

a single man under 50

takes a woman
to the starlight room--

to pop the question.

* whoo! *

man: Jimmie shannon.

Just the man
i'm looking for.

What do you say, marco?

Yeah.

A word in your ear.

I talked to
your grandfather this morning.

Oden sports
sent my office

a formal offer
to buy the company.

Jimmie: I know.

We're cutting
into their market share.

They wanna buy us out,

steal our client list,
and then close us down.

shannon billiards
is not for sale.

How about we continue
this conversation

over some 8 ball?

[Coughs] Market's up,
and I got dollars to shed.

Sorry, sid, but we're going
through kind of a crisis.

Jimmie's
supposed to propose,

and he's lost his nerve.

anne's a catch.
Who needs nerve?

Let me guess.
The grizzly bear thing.

You know, the manly sense

that you're master
of all you survey,

like a grizzly bear.

Mustang.

Wolf.

The question is,
do you want to be married?

I love anne.

No, never mind love.

Imagine 2 different cities--
husbandtown and bachelorville.

Which would you want
to live in?

Any guy's gonna choose
bachelorville.

[Chuckling]

Right?

No.

Most men come to want
the ball and chain.

Me, I was like you.
I love freedom,

which is why my marriage
is a miserable failure.

roy, dry up.
Listen,

marriage is the most
exquisite expression

of the human spirit.

Now, a good proposal
comes not only from love,

but from the desire
to be a husband.

Without that desire...

Better wait
till you're ready.

I wish I could, sid,

but the thing is...

anne and I have
officially reached...

That place.

You mean--

shit or get off the pot.

You're sure?
What are the factors?

anne caught a bridal bouquet
last month.

Well, serious,
but hardly critical.

Tonight's
the third anniversary

of our first date.

I got dinner
reservations at 8:00.

Even so,
it might be possible--

at the starlight room.

Oh.
[Sighs]

You know, I don't even
know how to propose.

Do I kneel? What do I say?

Just wait for
the dom perignon to arrive,

and the thing will practically
take care of itself.

What dom perignon?

After the meal,

when the waiter brings
the champagne,

just mumble something.

Anything!

It'll all be over with
just like that.

It's just the rest of your life
to worry about!

Good knowing you!

[Soft jazz playing]

Thanks, brother.

[Elevator bell dings]

Hi.

Oh.

Hey.

Hi.
Hi.

Hey.

[Elevator bell dings]

Hi.
Hi.

Come on.

[Cork pops]

Your dom perignon, sir.

[Corks popping]

* the first time *

* ever I saw *

are you ready?

* your face *

[gasps]

* I thought the earth *

* moved in my hand *

* and over the stars... *

[clears throat]
Well, I have, uh,

kind of a special toast.

Um, it's been 3 years
since our first date.

Mm-hmm.

Time has really
gone by fast.

Yep.

And, uh,
over the past few weeks...

i've, uh, been doing
some thinking.

Mm-hmm.

Mainly thinking about, uh,
the human condition.

A lot of life comes down
to making sacrifices

and deciding which direction
is my life gonna go.

* ever I kissed, mmm *

* your mouth *

could you please leave?
Thank you very much.

Hmm! Hmm.

* well, I felt
your lips... *

are you ok?

Yeah.

Ok.

Anyhow, uh, a lot of life
comes down to deciding,

what am I willing
to sacrifice?

Because obviously,

if you choose
one path in life,

well, you know, you can't
choose the other.

And that's kind of where
i found myself lately,

ever since we--you and I,
in our relationship,

have reached...
That place.

"That place"?

[Chuckles]

The upshot is...

You win.

"You win"?

Was that a proposal?

Well, "you win" was just
the last part of it.

You know, the whole thing
was a proposal.

The "you win" had context.

You see--aren't you even
gonna look at it?

But first,
can--can we just--

can we just retrace
the mental steps

that led to "you win"?

Like when you say
that you and I

have reached "that place."
What place?

You know what I mean.

Shit or get off the pot?

Did you really just say
"shit or get off the pot"

right here
in the starlight room?

What is the big deal?

Why couldn't you
have just said,

"fish or cut bait"?

We always say
"shit or get off the pot."

Everybody says
"shit or get off the pot."

Not in
the starlight room!

What is it
with the starlight room?

Magic, jimmie!
Romance?

You know,
the whole reason

why you come up here
to propose?

You see the lights
of the city,

and you have
a wonderful meal.

You listen to
beautiful music,

and it casts
this romantic spell.

But when you say
"shit or get off the pot,"

all that magic just
suddenly disappears,

and then all you have left
is bowel trouble.

Well, i--i'm sorry.

I didn't think
you'd get so upset

over, you know,
a figure of speech.

It's not the words, jimmie.
It's the whole approach.

God, it's as if
you--you deliberately...

What?

What?

You don't want
to marry me, do you?

I just proposed to you.

Yeah, but the way
that you proposed,

you weren't asking me
to marry you.

You were asking me
to say no.

[Scoffs]
Well, just put it on.

All right? Please?

You don't want
to be married, jimmie.

And I don't want
to be married

to a guy who doesn't
want to be married.

[Sighs]

anne, come here.

You know that I love you.
It's just--

can't we just leave things
the way they are?

Just--just for a while.

Hey, sis.
How was the starlight room?

What, he didn't ask?

Oh, yeah, he asked.
Barely!

But, anne, i'm confused.

Shouldn't we be
phoning home

and popping champagne?

He botched it!

The worst proposal.
Really!

Maybe the worst proposal
of all time.

But you love the guy.
How bad could it be?

How's this for romantic?

"You win."

You win what?

Nothing.
Just "you win."

Like the last 3 years
have been a poker game,

and I was holding
whatever it is that you hold

when you win.

"You win."
God, that's brutal.

"You win." "You win."

Could you stop
saying it, please?

"You win."
Stop it!

Ok, was he hammered?

You'd think so.
No.

Everything was perfect.
Really perfect.

You know,
the music and the view--

and, mm-mm, everything--
but his proposal.

Well, maybe he wrote down
a beautiful speech

on a small piece
of paper and lost it.

natalie.

This is
a once-in-a-lifetime thing.

And not just for me.
For him, too.

You know, all I wanted...

Was for him to want to
do it right, and he didn't.

And that says everything.

[Telephone rings]

You get it.

[Growls]

[Ring]

[Sighs]

[Ring]

Do you know that
in the year 2020,

women are gonna outnumber
men four to one?

And you will only have
3 childbearing years left.

[Ring]

anne, talk to him.

Answer the phone!

* you did something to me *

[line ringing]

* somewhere deep inside *

[telephone ringing]

* I planned
to get close to you *

* peace I cannot find *

* dance into the fire,
yeah *

* just to catch a flame *

[telephone ringing]

* just to get close
to just close enough *

* to tell you that *

* you do something to me *

here, another dozen roses.

Jeez, jimmie,
like old times again, huh?

Not quite.

Look at you, savoring
all those wild flings

you had as a wolf.

i'm not savoring.

Well, at least he's romantic.

When's the last time
you bought rita flowers?

She's allergic.

[Chuckles]
Listen,

instead of sending
a dozen a day,

why don't you
just cut to the chase?

Send her a couple
hundred thousand at once.

For all the good
it'll do you.

You know, max,
i have him

to give me
this kind of shit.

From you, i'd just
like the flowers.

Hmm.

Ok. i'm just
telling you man to man,

what you said
in the starlight room

was really bad.

I mean, if you want
to make up with someone--

just one second.

Who told you about
the starlight room?

What does it matter?

'Cause it's personal,

and 'cause
it's not a story

I want a whole lot
of people knowing.

Now, who told you
about the starlight room?

Oh, what, the, uh...

"Shit or get off
the pot" proposal?

I heard about it
from my dentist.

Excuse me?

My wife told me that story
last night.

Son of a bitch
insulted barry white.

barry--that was
a woman singing, you idiot.

Man: My psychoanalyst couldn't
stop talking about it.

It's a bunch of crap
if you ask me.

Hey, who was there,
you or me, huh?

My best friend's
stepsister's cousin

was the maitre d'.

max: Ahem.
You should know, jimmie.

Your proposal, it's become
an instant urban legend.

i'd hate to think
what happens

if this gets back
to my grandfather.

[Scattered "amens"]

They said he had
no pulse,

no brain waves,
nothing,

and he opened his eyes,

sat straight up,

and called the doctor
a scum-sucker.

After death?
Is that possible?

They said
it was a reflex.

How are you holding up?

[Sighs]
That's funny.

He was a difficult guy.

I don't know anyone
that actually liked him.

But, uh, he was
the only family I had left.

Jimmie, can I see you
a second?

Well, he's with god now.

Any chance you could
come to the office

tomorrow morning?

Yeah. Is there
anything wrong?

No, not at all.

As you know, i'm executor
of your grandfather's will.

He videotaped it
a few years back.

Very hush-hush. Guess
we ought to take a look.

i'll be there.

[Blowing]

Human condi--
[Feedback]

[Knocking on door]

Can I have a minute, please?

Alone?

Thank you.

Hi, jimmie.

i'm sorry
about your granddad.

These are beautiful.

Ok, I just wanted
to tell you I was sorry.

Where are you going?

Gonna go
water my apartment.

So, where does that
leave us?

Let's just say
the door's not closed.

So it's open?

No.

It's ajar.

Ok, so i'm at
this mystery door.

What if I push it open?

Can't be pushed.

How about if I knock?

If it's a nice knock,
i might answer.

You can close that door
behind you.

Before I read
my last will and testament,

I just want to make
one or two observations

to them who whatsoever
should be listening.

i'm, uh, i'm now old,

and one day you, too,
are gonna be old...

And you'll spend
half your time sleepin'

and the other half eatin'.

That was delicious.
And then you'll die.

Ever the gentleman.

Shh!
Don't shush me.

Guys.

I, james shannon
the first--

[whirring]

What the hell
are you doing?

Who told you to zoom in?
Back off!

Oh, for pete's sake.

I hearby bequeath
my entire estate...

"Estate."
To my grandson...

james shannon the third.

That's
a few thousand shares...

[Groans]

And quite a large stake...

In u.S.D.A. Cows.

Stake. Yeah, well,
that's--no pun intended.

And thanks to
the exemplary eating habits

of my fellow americans,

my entire net worth today

is just over
a hundred million dollars.

And that is
a pretty hefty piece

of "boof borgeegnon."

Yeah.

Breathe, fellas.
[Inhaling, exhaling]

Come on.
You want me to rewind?

You want me to pause?
Ok.

A hundred million
dollars.

No, i'm gonna talk
about the conditions.

What is this,
brewster's millions?

marco: Come on,
throw 'em at us!

You and me both!

Would you keep it down!

Now, you moron.

Now's the time
you can come in on me.

Come on!

The conditions are
that he gets married...

That to guarantee
that the union...

Isn't some shabby scam,

that he and his wife
remain married

for at least 10 years--

one, zero--
10 years!

Spending no more than
one night apart each month.

And that within 5 years,

they produce genetically
verifiable offspring!

i'd like to leave
my grandson...

No way.

With one final thought.

Jimmie boy,

if you don't get married
before 6:05 p.m...

On your 30th birthday--

that was the time
you came into this world--

you're gonna get cut off

without a goddamn cent
and f--

roy:
I think we get the gist.

So, when is the wedding?

Oh, no.

The night we saw you
at the showroom,

you were on your way
to the...

The starlight room?
That was you?

Yep, that's right.
I defiled the starlight room.

And you know what?
i'm glad.

Forget the starlight room!

Besides,
i am gonna marry anne.

I just have
to reconcile myself

to the idea of marriage,
that's all.

Yeah, well, you better
start reconciling.

Your birthday,
it's soon, right?

Like, next week?

No, it's not
next week.

Thank god.

It's tomorrow.

It's all set. Gluckman
got us the licenses,

and my uncle gus
lent me a limo.

Great. Let's get
the lady next door.

She can play the organ.

Hey, you think it's easy

settin' up a wedding
in an hour and a half?

You're lucky the priest

at my grandmother's
nursing home was free.

Yeah, well, there are
limits, all right?

[Humming along
with walkman]

[Groans] What kind
of dumb bitch

lets leonardo dicaprio
drown?

What are you
babbling about?

She gets a great guy
like that

and just lets him slip
through her fingers.

natalie,
mind your own business.

i'm just thinking
out loud.

He probably just tossed her up
on that piece of wood

and said, "you win."

[Knocking on door]

There's the priest.
What are you feeling right now?

Well--
get over it!

You're marrying
the woman you love

and inheriting a fortune.

It's not like you're meeting
the grim reaper, man.

[Church bells tolling]

Jimmie shannon?
i've come for you.

Bye.
Hey, what's that smell?

Hmm?

You're wearing his
after-shave, aren't you?

No. It's probably some just left
on the sweater or something.

Right, yeah.

Have fun at mom and dad's.

And i'm really sorry
that I can't be there

for all
the anniversary stuff.

Mmm, yeah, I can see
how heartbroken you are.

Huh. Bye.

marco:
So, how's my grandmother?

Should I tell her
about the money?

Are you kidding me?
You're thinking of not?

Do you really wanna start
your marriage off with a lie?

No, but she's gonna
kill me if I tell her.

Anybody would.

Your call, man.

Give me
one of those mints.

What do you think
she's gonna say, jim?

"i'm not marrying you
until you brush your teeth"?

It would be a very great
honor to have your hand--

yes. Yes!

I will. I do. Whatever.
Is this thing real?

Yeah.
Think she'll say yes?

I don't know.

Suddenly she's gotten
really particular.

I can't think why.

Good thing you'll have
3 weeks to rehearse.

3 weeks?
Mm-hmm.

Hot assignment in athens.
She left a half hour ago.

Heliport.

Hey, running
looks desperate.

marco! The heliport!

natalie: Jimmie,
you might need the ring.

[Tires screeching]

[Honking]

[Honking]

i'm out of here.

anne! anne!

anne!

Hi. What are you doing?

I tried to call you
at the office, but--

do you have a minute?

Yeah, i've got a minute.
What is--what is it?

[Panting]

What are you doing?

anne...

Would you do me the great honor
of marrying me?

What?

Would you do me the great
honor of marrying me?

Yeah. No, no,
i heard you.

But why now?
Why here?

Just say yes, all right?
Please?

I really, really
want you to.

Well, that's definitely
an improvement.

Is that a yes?

[Thudding sound]

[Tires screech]

What's going on?

Nothing's going on.
I love you.

Yeah, I know that,

but what's with
the traveling wedding party?

[Engine revving]

What's the point
of waiting?

Let's just do it,
all right? Today. Now.

Right now, now?

Trust me on this, all right?
We gotta seize the moment.

What's important
is that I love you

and I want to spend the rest
of my life with you.

You're sure?
Yes.

You're sure you want
to tie the knot?

You're really sure?

You wanna get hitched?

You wanna...Strap on
the old ball and chain?

[Horses whinnying,
hoofbeats thundering]

Hmm? See?

Now, there's the jimmie shannon
that I know.

Where are you going?

You should've seen
what I just saw.

What did you just see?

A bachelor.

What are you--
what are you talking about?

You're not ready.

Of course i'm ready!

i'm standing here
at a helipad in my tuxedo!

No, you're not.
You're not ready.

Don't you understand?

I don't know
if you'll ever be ready.

You've won.

What the hell
happened?

Oh, jimmie got a look.

A look?
I don't understand.

He was wallowing
in bachelor memories again.

I still don't
understand.

It's over. She took
an assignment in athens.

I tried to persuade her,
but--

this is bad.

Very bad.

A hundred million
dollars bad.

marco: The shannon
legend continues.

First
the starlight room.

Now the helipad.

Can you show me
the look?

Was it, uh...
Or...

I don't know
what the look was, ok?

'Cause I didn't see it.

And i'm real sorry
about the money,

but in case
anyone cares,

the woman I love
just walked out on me.

Maybe forever.

You can't just
walk away from that money.

You saw that video.

If you don't get married,

you're cut off without
a goddamn cent and f--

and f--

so, I won't get the money.

i've been fine
without it so far.

No, you don't understand.
The will provides

that all assets
are to be sold for cash,

including
shannon billiards.

Man: Can't wait
till we're alone.

Woman: Oh!

Woman on p.a.: Welcome on board
virgin atlantic airways

nonstop service to london,
continuing on to athens.

I love you.

I love you, too.

Our flying time will be
approximately 18 hours.

Man over p.a.: Will all ground
crew please leave the plane?

Are you saying oden sports
could buy the company?

i'm telling you

oden sports
will buy the company.

These guys are like locusts.

They buy you out,
lay people off,

and strip the place clean.

The whole plant will be gone
within a week.

We're screwed.

Not necessarily.

You have until just
after 6:00 tomorrow night.

That makes, what, uh...

Oh, 27 hours and change.

Find someone to marry.

Fine, i'll get married
just for you.

Well, i'd be happy
to entertain

any better ideas.

Anyone?

i'm not hearing
anything.

Hear this, ok? I found
someone to marry.

Not to be callous, jimmie,

but anne already
told you no twice.

They're right, jim.
I mean...

You made the decision not
to tell anne about the money.

Over is over.

Sid and I are seeing
one of your exes tonight.

She's organizing
the fund-raising ball

at the steinard.

buckley?

Not buckley.

So it won't be buckley.
Find someone else.

i'm sorry.
Jobs come and go.

Businesses, too.

But anne is--
there's only one anne.

Yeah, it's real easy

for the three of you
to sit there

and tell me to walk away
from the woman I love.

But you know something?
This is my life

we're talking about
here, all right?

My life.

All:
Surprise!

* for he's
a jolly good fellow *

* for he's
a jolly good fellow *

* for he's
a jolly good fellow *

* which nobody can deny *

* which nobody can deny *

what about their lives?

This time next week,
they'll be out of jobs.

Over 200 families
without providers.

Women thrown out
in the freezing cold.

Children going to bed
on empty stomachs.

Well, if you're really
gonna close down the plant,

now's the time to do it.

* for he's
a jolly good fellow *

* which nobody can deny *

man: Big 3-0 tomorrow!

[Cheering]

Let's go have some cake!

Yeah!

As I recall, the first
10 years of marriage

fly by like
no time at all.

Really?

No.

I don't wanna
talk about it.

Ok.

What are you doing?

Cooking.

What are you makin'?

Is it me?

I mean, am I just really bad
at being proposed to?

It couldn't have been worse
than "you win."

Don't underestimate
the guy.

That shithead!
He can't commit.

He can't commit.
It's over.

What do you mean,
he can't commit?

He's constantly asking you
to marry him.

But you're not there
when he does it.

You don't see
what happens to him.

He completely
goes to pieces.

His jaw locks and
his eyes get all big,

and they start
fidgeting.

And he completely goes
to this other place.

It's like
he's not even there.

Shh! Ok, ok!

He's not even there!
Shh!

I know what you need.

i'm not going home
with you.

Come on.
Please?

It'll be good for you.

See, the agony
of being with them

will make whatever
you're going through

feel like nothing.

Ok, but if they start,

you're taking me out
drinking.

Deal.

[Horse whinnying]

marco: Come on, gorilla.
We in manila.

Come on, gorilla!
This is the thrilla!

[Horses whinnying,
hoofbeats thundering]

[Exhales]

[Sinister chuckle]

Well, well.

Hmm.

Well, this is
quite a collection.

Let's land you
a trophy wife.

[Groaning]

Hey, how about
monique?

No. Dull.

It's between stacey and zoe.
I mean...

stacey was terrific, but...

zoe was always there
for me.

Clingy,
i think you said.

Look, forget about
"there for you."

Who do you want to spend
the rest of your life with?

[Sighs]
anne.

[Sighs]

Choose.

stacey.

[Voices shouting,
overlapping]

* my first, my last *

2! 2! 2!
I got 2!

Yeah, right
over here! 2!

* you're the answer
to all my dreams *

* you're my sun, my moon *

* my guiding star *

* you're the first,
you're the last *

* my everything *

jimmie shannon!

stacey.
Long time no see.

Too long.
You look beautiful.

The uh, the hair.
That's new, isn't it?

Said like a true guy.

So, pull up a chair.

Ok. Quiet in your pit
here today, huh?

It's the opec conference,
so we wait.

It's not a great day
for a tour of the exchange.

That--that's not
exactly why i'm here.

Uh, this is gonna
seem kinda sudden,

but something came up
that was completely unexpected,

and I thought about you
because of...

Well, i've always had
great memories of when we dated.

[Telephone rings]
Me, too.

The thing is, my grandfather
passed away last week.

[Gasps]
i'm so sorry.

kuwait walked out!

Buy! Buy!
14 contracts!

14 contracts!
Right here! Right here!

[Voices overlapping]

Yeah, 19 bought! Done!

You were saying
about your grandfather?

He left me some money.
A lot, actually.

5!

A hundred million
dollars!

Sell it!
Sell it! Sell it!

But there's a condition.

Size! Size!
6! 5! 5!

Up 5--
here's the deal.

To get the inheritance,

I gotta be married
by tomorrow.

And I know
it's kind of sudden,

but are you interested?

* i'm just a gigolo,
and everywhere I go *

* people know the part
i'm playing *

she's engaged.

Engaged or married?
'Cause if she's only engaged--

forget about it, all right?
It ain't happening.

So, you'll marry zoe.

She was always there
for you anyway.

[Squeals]
zoe!

I can't breathe.

Oh, me, either.
Oh, i'm so excited.

I can't believe
this is happening.

i've waited so long.

God! zoe!

What about
what's-her-face?

Who?
anne.

anne?
[Exhales]

She--

well, we, uh--

jeez.

She said no.

Oh, I am just so thrilled
that you would think of me next.

Oh, my god.
How far down the list am I?

Third.

But what does that
matter? I mean...

i'm here because of
all the wonderful times

we had together.

We did have
some pretty magical times.

In between you leaving me
every now and then,

saying I was too clingy.

zoe, i'm sorry.
I just--

if you forgive me now
and marry me,

I promise you I will
never leave you again.

Swear to god that you will
stay by my side always?

It'll just be
you and me forever?

anne: Come on, natalie.
We'll miss the train.

Jimmie:
anne?

anne!

* I never thought
i'd miss you *

* half as much as I do *

* and I never thought
i'd feel this way *

anne! anne!

* the way I feel about you *

anne!
[Gasps]

I thought you were anne.

Sorry.
That's ok.

Sorry.

[Alarm ringing]

zoe!

zoe: Clingy!
He calls me clingy!

* it must be love *

must be a fire sale.

* it must be love *

* love, love *

* nothing more,
nothing less *

* love is the best *

I can't believe you.
zoe was a lock--a lock!

There's only one man
in the world

that would tell a broad
she's third on his list

while he's proposing
to her--jimmie shannon!

She burned me in effigy.

rita bites her nails.
You adjust.

Hey, what's
this one's name?

ilana?

Love ilana!
Cute, funny.

A bit theatrical,
but she'll do.

Hey, if you happen
to see anne again,

just remember--

she's on a plane
to athens.

Hey, not your shade
of green, jerk off?

Come on! What am i
doing here?

Man: Ladies and gentlemen,
the napa express

is in the station

and continuing on to redding
and portland, oregon.

The napa express is departing
immediately at 7:23.

All aboard!

[Engine starting]

anne?

anne?

[Sighs]

anne?

[Sighs]

Hmmph.

What are you doing?

i'm documenting my first
day of being single.

Great, 'cause
we just missed our cab.

You know,
i'm really lucky.

Because I came
that close

to making the biggest
mistake of my life--

that close.

That close.

Come on.

You can tell
the nice cab man.

[Singing in italian]

I thought you said
she was dying.

She is dying.

[Applause]

Perfect.

Crowd:
Encore! Encore!

Encore! Encore! Encore!
Encore!

Keep the change.

Keep the change from a 20?

Wasn't that
a $4.00 cab ride?

Well, the poor guy
had to listen to you.

It's, like, do you think he
went to work tonight going,

"gee, I sure hope
i get to find out

what's going on
with anne and jimmie."

I just wanna know
what you're--

"maybe if i'm really lucky
i'll find out--"

see?
Not another word

out of me
about jimmie, ok?

Ok.
Ok.

But, hey, hey, hey.
Let's just not talk

about this with them, ok?
'Cause i--

please, god,
make it stop.

Ah!

Both: Hi!
Happy anniversary.

Thank you.
i'll get the bags.

Oh, dale,
missing you already.

[Chuckling]

Ok, how can I say this
politely?

If you hadn't
walked in here just now,

i'd have forgotten
you even existed.

I mean, joey,
you strut onto my stage

and dangle money
in front of my face

like i'm gonna swoon,

when all I even
remember about you

is we screwed
a couple times.

And I recall thinking

you look nice
with your shirt off--

but then again,
so do I.

These are completely bent.
They suck.

She didn't
remember you, huh?

She did--vaguely.

Oh, vaguely!
That's good.

i'll tell you, man.

What goes around
comes around.

I have no idea
what you mean by that.

Yeah, right.

Oh, I got it.
It's my fault

that some girl I hooked up
with a few years back

isn't chomping at the bit
to marry me.

What goes around
comes around.

All right, man, come on.

We need a name
and a number.

Let's go.
carolyn.

carolyn? Oh, yeah!
The eternal student.

The kids will be bright.

They'll have no friends,
but they'll be bright.

Flowers.

I bet you've never
even considered

the symbolism of
a traditional wedding.

Give me a break, carolyn.
I--i was an econ major.

Well, then it's
right up your alley,

because
that's what it is.

It is a ritualized
property transfer.

Father/seller arrives
with daughter/property,

who is wearing a white
dress to guarantee

that the merchandise is,
you know, unspoiled.

And a religious figure
sanctifies the sale,

and daughter property
becomes wife property.

It's beautiful, really.
It's just--it's precious.

Look,
this man/potential groom...

Doesn't have
the time/energy

to put up with this feminist/
pseudo-psychological bullshit.

Yes or no?

Glad to see
you still got balls.

I don't believe
in marriage.

Neither do I, all right?

That's the beauty
of this offer.

It's a marriage

for people who don't
believe in marriage.

Your outlook, jimmie,
is so totally patriarchal--

right down
to these roses,

which are the classic male
overture to seduction.

See, that's funny,
because, you know,

I always just
thought of them as flowers.

I mean, they certainly
smell like flowers.

No. It's symbolism.

They just happen to be
the plant's vagina.

[Groans]
Come on!

It's true.

That symbolism is the reason
men give flowers.

Why would a man give a woman
a symbolic vagina?

Why wouldn't he?

It just happens
to signal

that his intentions
go beyond platonic.

It lets her know what
he ultimately wants.

carolyn,
i'm not interested

in your goddamn vagina,
all right?

I just want to marry you!

* hit the road, jack,
and don't ya come back *

* no more, no more,
no more, no more *

* hit the road, jack *

* and don't ya come back
no more *

* a-what you say? *

* hit the road, jack *

* and don't ya come back
no more, no more *

* no more, no more *

* hit the road, jack *

[sputtering, hissing]

So, thinking ahead,

if daphne says no,
who do we go for?

Be serious.
We need daphne.

I mean, who's left?
monique?

We need daphne,
all right?

monique is...Dull.

Her life is eggplants
and bean sprouts,

lettuce, brussels
sprouts, broccoli--

* i'm so sad and lonely *

* oh, lonely,
oh, lonely, lonely, lonely *

* won't some sweet mama
come and rescue me *

* 'cause I ain't so bad *

oh, this is so exciting!
[Giggles]

No peeking!

Oh, well, all right.

No peeking.

No, no, not at all.

All right, there.

[Giggling]

Ok.

Oh. Oh, dale.
Oh, no!

Go ahead, mo.
Open the box.

Oh! Oh, I can't!

Yes, yes, you can!
Open the box.

Open it!

Oh! All right.
[Gasps]

Oh, it's so beautiful!

You're so beautiful.

Oh!

[Moaning, giggling]

Mom.

That's why people
don't go out with you.

[Moaning, giggling
continue]

Wait. I have to go
to the bathroom.

[Both giggling]

Don't be too long.

i'll be back as quick
as I can.

[Giggling]

[Sighs]

Missing you already!

natalie and I were talking
about going to get a drink,

if that's ok with you.

Ok? You kidding?

Your mother and i
have got plenty

to keep ourselves
amused.

Drink?
Drink!

[People chattering]

[Ticking]

Man:
Move aside.

[Siren]

[Scuffling]

Man:
Through here.

Come on.

I got him
from here.

Get him the hell
into cell 6--

and nobody talks
to him but me.

Man:
You got it.

[Growls]
Hey, hey, hey, hey!

You think i'm playing some
kind of game with you, huh?

I don't play good cop, bad cop.
It requires too much patience.

I go straight to
bad cop, worse cop.

Now behave.

You heard the lady--
move it!

Jimmie shannon!

daphne.

See you're still
enjoying your job.

Yeah.

You look great.

[Man groans]
Cop: Hey!

Did you lose
some weight or something?

[Man groaning]

Stay down,
ya stinkin' mope,

before I hammer your nuts
all the way to your tonsils!

[Moans]

12 pounds.
Can you tell?

[Grunts, groans]

Aah!
Would you relax?

Relax? Wait.
Let me get this straight.

You're saying
take this money

and give up
any chance

of ever finding true
and meaningful love?

Well, i'm only
kind of saying that.

What is wrong with you?

What is wrong with me?

Jimmie,
what is wrong with you?

I mean, don't you want
to marry someone you love?

Unfortunately,
for me,

at this point,
that is not an option.

Well, fortunately,
for me it is.

Well, i--i guess i've
always had this dream

that i'd, you know,
open up my own restaurant

and kind of have this--

[laughs] You don't want
to hear about this.

No, monique, no.

i'd definitely like
to hear about this.

Well, it would be
more than a restaurant.

You know, it would be more
like a new approach to food.

I mean, take salad.

People hear "salad,"
and they think lettuce, right?

And usually iceberg lettuce,
especially americans.

They don't realize

just all the different varieties
and kinds of lettuce,

and all the things
that can be done.

brussels sprouts.
brussels sprouts.

So, people go through
their day in kind of a fog,

but if they really
stopped and looked,

they'd realize
that the brussels sprout

is more than just
another green vegetable.

* tomato, tomato *

* let's call
the whole thing off *

* oh, let's call
the whole thing off *

...cabbage.

Sid: How could you
strike out 6 times?

It hasn't been pretty.

On the last one,
he says he blanked.

And you mentioned
the money?

Sid, that's what
happened, all right?

I just lost
my ability to...

Carry on a conversation.

You used to date her!

So, what do you want
me to do,

mime the proposal?

Yes!

And you mentioned
the money?

What in hell
kind of women are these?

Enough, all right?
Where is she?

[Whispering]
buckley.

Ok, crunch time.

Seventh game
of the world series.

Bottom of the ninth,
two outs, full count.

This is our last chance.

There's no tomorrow,
got it?

4 cliches ago.

237 jobs, man.

Just give me the damn
symbolic vaginas.

You are sick.

Nice to see you,
buckley.

Oh, jimmie.
You didn't have to.

Well, I wanted to.

Truth is, ever since
we stopped dating i've--

well, i've thought
about you a lot.

And what have you
been thinking?

Well, i've been thinking

that of all the women
i've dated,

you are
without question

the, uh...

Most poised.

i'm sure you're right.

Yeah.
And lately i've...

Realized I could use
more poise in my life.

[Clears throat]

Jimmie,
what are you doing?

You must be wondering
what we're doing here.

No.

No?

roy o'dell told me

all about
your grandfather's will.

i'll marry you.

You will?
Mmm.

I mean,
j-just like that?

Mm-hmm.

The hale-winter
family situation is eroding.

We could use an infusion.

Sacrifices must be made.

[Stamps out cigarette]

Get up, jimmie.

[Man singing in spanish
to salsa beat]

[Laughing]

Oy.

Ah!

[Laughing] Ok.
Oh, my goodness.

[Squeals, laughs]

Oh, this is fun!

i'd forgotten how much fun
this can be!

It took you 22 san miguels
to realize that?

Really nice guys,
huh?

Mm-hmm.

Viable choices.
[Squeals]

[Woman singing ballad]

Um...

Can I cut in?
Yeah.

Cut in. Hi.
Oh, god.

Oh, god.

[Sighs]

How come mom and dad
like each other so much?

I know.

It's hard to take,
but it would be really--

it would be
really nice to have.

Yeah.

For those of us who
don't already have it.

Hey, where's marco?

He went to pick up
buckley's dress.

It's been on standby

since the family
picassos

went up for auction.

One hundred million
dollars.

[Sighs] One hundred
million dollars!

One-zero-zero
million dollars.

10 times 10
million dollars.

100 million dollars.

J-just remember,

buckley can be
very loving.

Uh, father, would you
zip me, please?

[String quartet playing]

[Zips]

[Clears throat]

Ok, i'm ready.

Assembled mourners--

uh, wrong service, father.

Oh, is it?

100 million dollars.
100 million dollars.

100 million dollars.

Dearest, any, uh, chance
you could say that silently?

Why don't we skip
the pet names?

This is a business
arrangement,

pure and simple.

It's a little more
than that.

We'll be spending
a lot of time together.

I don't see why.

You'll keep your
place in the city,

i'll stay in marin,
and we'll see each other

when we absolutely
need to.

Dearly beloved,
we are gathered here today--

i'm sorry, father.

roy, what did you tell her
about the will's provisions?

I--i don't recall
my exact words.

We can only spend
one night apart a month.

One night together
a month.

Pardon me.

Sid:
Nice job.

[String quartet
stops playing]

Now, does the will
require

that we sleep
in the same bed,

or would, say, twin beds
create a problem?

No, none at all.

Opposite wings
in a enormous manor?

As long as you're
under the same roof.

Continue, please,
father.

[String quartet resumes]

Don't worry.
We'll adjust.

That will hardly
be necessary.

3 years will be over
before we know it.

Oh, lord.

3?
Go on, go on.

To join these people
in holy matrimony--

excuse me, father.
roy?

I--i may have misspoken.

The marriage
has to last longer.

roy!
10 years.

A decade?

Pardon me.

[String quartet
stops playing]

And in 10 years
i go free?

Free as a bird!

With my half
of the estate?

Yes.

[String quartet resumes]

[Sighs]

And I can live anywhere
and with anyone I want?

If you choose,

you can leave the children
and move to afghanistan.

Father:
Do you, jimmie...

Children?

Don't worry.
You have 5 years.

Take this buckley...

[Groans]

100 million dollars.

buckley?

Children within 5 years.

100 million dollars.

Children within 5 years.

[Engine starts]

One kid, that's all!

Do like the english.
As soon as he can crawl,

ship him off
to boarding school.

You can have
an epidural!

[Tires screeching]

roy, let's go.

i've got to fill out
some paperwork.

What paperwork?

What are you
talking about?

Freeze the company's
accounts

to prepare it for sale.

You're cutting us off
without a goddamn dime!

You think I want to?

We won't get paid
without that money.

i'll lose my home.

So if I act illegally,
i'll lose mine!

Hey, you have 3 homes!

i'm a lawyer.

Look, there's still
17 hours, all right?

Let's not panic.

i'll think of someone.

Well, you better.

We've got our backs
to the wall.

Time for desperate measures.
What about my daughter?

Absolutely not.

Why not?

She's isn't
good enough for you?

She's 15!

Well, it's pretty late
in the game

for you to be
mr. choosy.

[Sighs]

roy, give me
a lift home.

i'm too disgusted
to drive.

From now on, we're
only dating divorcés.

[Laughing]
Why?

'Cause we'll know
they're already ready.

[Both laughing]

Or widowers, then.
Can't forget the widowers.

Yeah. If only jimmie
had one dead wife, right?

Then he'd be ready.

Or two.
Or two.

Imagine
if he had two. Boy.

Yeah, then you guys
would be married, huh?

Do you think he'll call?

annie, he doesn't even
know you're here.

Yeah, that's right.

Can you imagine jimmie
at that salsa club tonight?

Oh, my god.

Trying to do that
rico suave dip move?

Oh, my gosh.
The riverdancer who's hot.

He always, always
kicks me in the shins,

and he scrunches my toes.

Yeah, that would have been
hysterical to watch him try.

Call him.

What do you mean,
call him?

Ok.
What do I say?

That you love him,

and you'll keep
seeing each other...

As long as
he doesn't propose.

That's it!
That is it!

Calm down.

The sun!
The sun, it's rising!

marco, marco,
just sit down, all right?

The important thing
is to find me a bride.

Ok? Now,
i'm thinking here.

You're thinking?

[Laughing]
Well, zippity-doo-dah!

Hey, he's thinking!

I--i hear the flowers
bursting into song!

Ha ha ha ha ha!
Hey, hey, listen.

marco!

One moment, sir.
The wheels are turning.

Ah, yes! Proof positive
indeed that there is a god.

You know why?

Because my friend
jimmie shannon

has finally experienced
brain activity.

Hey, hey! Let's hear
what he has to say, huh?

Pray, do tell.

It's not them.
It's me.

They can see it in my face,
just like anne.

They know I don't want
to get married.

That's it.

Where you going?

To get you a wife.

Well--
alone.

You think i'm gonna sit back
and let you pick my wife?

Hey, it's
our only hope.

What the hell
is that supposed to mean?

You know how many times
you've proposed now? 10!

No, 9, and
that includes anne.

Excuse me.
10.

What am I supposed to do,
just wait here?

Just be at st. peter
and paul church at 5:00.

i'll have someone.

Don't forget the priest.
And happy birthday!

[Line ringing]

He's still not there!

natalie: Leave a message
on the answering machine.

It's not picking up.

Oh, no.

The next train
doesn't leave until 1:15.

You're kidding!

No.

Well, let's go anyway.

Ok.

[Trip hammer pounding]

So much for sleeping.

What time did you say
we can get into that church?

2:30.

That gives us hours.

You got any ideas?

[Sighs]

They all make it
look so easy.

Priest:
Been a long night, huh?

No kidding.

It's grueling out there.

You definitely made
the right decision,

as far as the whole
celibacy thing.

I believe
we were put here

to love and cherish
one another.

Sharing your life
with someone you love

is a blessing.

Somebody very wise
taught me that.

jesus?

My wife.

You're married?

I was happily married
for 26 years.

I only put on this collar
when my wife died.

i'm the father of 4
and the grandfather of 10.

A priest with grandchildren.
That's the youngest.

Took his first steps
last tuesday.

Getting married

was one of the best
things I ever did.

You know,
it's a wonderful thing,

as time goes by,
to be with someone

who looks into your face
when you've gotten old

and still sees what
you think you look like.

* the first time *

* ever I saw your face *

* I thought the sun *

* rose in your eyes *

* your face *

welcome
to the other side.

* your face *

* your face *

best thing
you ever did, huh?

* your face *

woman:
Hello?

Who's this?

Who's this?

It's anne.

Oh, anne!
It's rita.

Hey, mr. all-nighter.

It's anne
looking for jimmie.

[Coughing]

anne! How's greece?

Oh, hi, marco.
Where's jimmie?

He's not home?
We were out.

You know, boy stuff.

And you ended up
with his phone.

What did you do
to him?

Hey, take it easy.

You going to athens
nearly cost me my job--

not to mention
breaking his heart.

Well, um,
i--i didn't go.

I didn't go.
I never went.

i'm here
in mendocino with--

annie!

Yeah, ok.
With natalie.

We're taking
the 1:15 home,

so can you find jimmie,
and, um, will you--

well, find jimmie
and just tell him

that I really, really

want to see him
for dinner, ok?

Yeah.
Ok. Thanks.

[Train horn blows]

Hurry!

So, this is where
i'm gonna tie the knot--

me and marco's
mystery bride.

Why don't you try
to get some sleep?

If I shut my eyes,
i'll want to sleep forever.

Well, you got
about 3 hours.

Here. Hold on. Here.

There you go.

Maybe when you wake up...

The world will look
a lot different.

roy: So, they
get in at 5:50.

Which leaves us
only 15 minutes

to get to the church
and get them married.

Tight, but doable.

Does she know
about last night?

Like i'm gonna tell her.
That's jimmie's problem.

If he had had more balls
in the first place--

the thing is,
he's not home,

and I have
his cell phone.

Have you heard
from him?

Not a word.

Oh! Good news, darlin'.
You're off the hook.

[Chuckling]

Well, I guess the only thing
is to get to the church.

What?

There'll be some
disappointed brides there,

but, hey,
they'll get over it.

Some?

Half a dozen,
a dozen, tops.

I put an ad
in the classifieds.

Very good thinking.

Thanks. It cost me
some bucks.

Plus I had to send them
a picture.

For the classified?

* could you be loved *

"could you love
this man for 100--"

what? What is this?

Read it!
Did you see this?

Oh, no way! Go on!

* and be loved *

* don't let them fool you *

* or even try
to school you *

* oh, no *

* we've got to find a home *

* so go to hell *

* if what you're thinkin'
leaves me crying *

* love would never
leave us alone *

* the darkness
must come out the light *

[squeals]

* could you be loved *

* and be loved *

* lonely road is rocky,
and you may stumble, too *

* so while
you point your fingers *

* someone else
is judging you *

* could you be, could you be,
could you be loved *

* could you be,
could you be loved *

* could you be, could you be,
could you be loved *

* could you be,
could you be loved *

* could you be loved *

hmm.

* and be loved *

* could you be loved *

what time is it?

Uh, I got 10
to 5:00.

Who said you could
speak, asshole?

Look, this is
not my fault.

I only put an ad
in the classifieds.

Hey, maybe
we could sue.

[Growling]

Shut up! Shut up!
Shut up!

Or I swear i'll break
your scrawny neck

with my bare hands!

According to him--
who better remain silent--

anne'll be here by 6:00
at the latest.

We got 5 minutes
for a wedding service.

If we keep the church,
we're golden.

What the hell?

[Women chattering]

Oh, poor jimmie.

Oops.

[Organ music playing]

[Women chattering]

Oh! Get off my train!

Hello, handsome.

Shh!

Well, hello there!

Let's get the hell
out of here, huh?

I got my bike
outside.

Don't even think
about it.

Let go, you freak!

"Freak"?
He's mine, you hippo!

In your dreams!

Take it easy!

Oh, johnnie,
johnnie!

Pick me!
i'll make you so happy.

It was like you were
dead in heaven!

It's "jimmie."

You're
my last chance!

[Sobs]
My last chance!

princeton university,
mr. shannon--

the same college
as brooke shields.

Hey, he didn't say nothing
in the paper about education.

Is that important?

Yes, you have to tell us
how you're choosing.

Yeah!

Yeah, we need
criteria!

Fair is fair, honey.
Come on. Give us criteria!

All:
Criteria! Criteria!

Criteria! Criteria!

Criteria! Criteria!

Hold it! Calm down!

Please, calm down!
Lookit!

Uh, my criteria are, uh,

you know,
the same as any man's.

Answer the damn question!

Hey, look, this is
a difficult situation.

Now, i'm not gonna
rush through it

and risk hurting
people's feelings.

He was firm!
Oh, I love that in a man!

And yet, somehow,
still sensitive.

Woman:
Oh, shut up!

Is religion
a criteria?

Absolutely not.

How about education?
Is that a criterion?

I suppose some college
would be a plus.

All: College?

A plus, but not
a requirement.

How about english?
Habla español?

She has to speak english.

[Women shouting
in spanish]

i'm sorry. I got to
draw the line somewhere.

[Shouting in spanish]

[Shouting]

Woman: Sorry.

How's about looks?

Looks?

Yeah, looks.

Well, now, see, that--that's
a hard question,

because, as you know,
physical attraction is, uh--

well, i-it's
a chemistry thing, really.

What she means is,
should we all clear out now

and just leave you
with the skinny blonds?

I--i didn't say that.

But we are talking about
weight limit, aren't we?

Well--

how much? What's
the weight criteria?

Woman:
Right on, sister!

I don't know. Uh...

150?

Woman: 150?
[Shouting]

150? You know, you don't get
a set like these at 150!

So, why don't you
just say skinny blonds

and get it over with?

[With deep voice]
Skinny blondes

with big jugs.

Don't put that cliche
on me, all right?

But you just said
your criteria

were the same
as most other men.

Yeah, most other men
like blonds.

It's a simple syllogism.

Yeah, but even so--

hey!
Do you like blonds?

i'm not gonna say
i don't like blonds!

Excuse me.
Excuse me.

Ladies!

[Room quiets]

Ladies and, uh...
Ladies.

As the priest
of this church,

I feel
it is my holy duty

to inform you that, uh,
this man has no money

and has no intention
of marrying any of you.

marco, no, no!

[Women shouting]

The whole thing
was, uh, well, a prank,

and it went a little
too far, you know?

Anyway, if we could
clear out the church

as quickly
as possible.

marco, no! No!

We have to make way
for a real wedding, ok?

Go in peace.

It's not true! No!
He's lying, all right?

Oh, who are we supposed
to believe, huh?

You, or a priest?

What you think? You think
you some kind of comedian--

getting us all excited
and dressed up,

just so you can
slap us in the face?

I don't think so.
Excuse me, baby.

I don't want to get rowdy
up in this church, but I will.

Now, somebody getting married
up in here today,

and it better be me.

You're all alike!

You lead us on,
then won't commit.

Is that how
you get your kicks,

playing with women's
hopes and dreams?

Thank god i'm bisexual.

[Clamoring]

Hey, take it easy! Jeez!

Uhh!

Ok, ok,
a couple of questions.

First i'm wondering,

since I wake up
in a church full of brides,

what is my face
doing

on the front page
of the paper? Answer?

Sid:
anne's here--or will be.

Get back, you animals!

Woman: i'm gonna break
your head off!

Her train arrives
in 40 minutes.

Jimmie: Cut the crap!

There's
no direct trains

from athens
to san francisco.

No, it's true,
jimmie.

Yeah, she wants to have
dinner with you.

Dinner?

Yeah! From now on,
we do it my way!

All right?
Agreed?

All: Agreed!

All right. Ok.

Uh, all right.

i'm too excited to think.
What do we do?

Well, we obviously
can't have a wedding

in a church
infested with brides.

Exactly. Uh, can you
get to the station?

What? In 40 minutes?

Yes! Thank you.

Guys, i'm leaving you
to take care of this mob.

Don't let me down.

marco:
Crazy broads! Come on!

That will be $400.

i'll give you double
if you can have it

at the station
in half an hour.

[Chuckling] A customer
gets what a customer wants.

You're my man.

Ciao.

[Whistling]

Hey! Dirt bag!

Uh, ladies--

let's get him!

[Clamoring]

There he is!

Hang on!
[Tires squealing]

Woman: i'll squash you
with my bare hands!

Take me to the station
as fast as you can!

[Women groaning]

Man over p.a.: You'll be
delighted to hear

we're arriving
5 minutes early.

Oh, my god.
Um, annie?

You're not going
to like this.

Man over p.a.:
The northbound city of seattle

is ready for boarding
on track number 16.

Ladies and gentlemen,
train 623, the napa express

has arrived at 5:49...

anne!

anne!

...in the station at 5:49,
track number 2.

anne!

anne!

anne! anne!

[Panting] anne,
do you have a second?

anne,
there's something--

I just got to say
something to you.

You're not going to
propose again, are you?

Well--

well, 'cause you just
really wouldn't want

to let a girl down
for a third time.

I know, I know,
but today

I was at the palace
of fine arts, all right?

And I was out on the lake
with this priest, right?

It was really romantic.

We were there
a couple of years ago,

do you remember?

Suddenly
i had this image

of your hair
going into your eye,

and i--i remember...

I pulled it back,

and there was
this freckle, and...

H-have you been crying?

[Sobs]
No.

anne...

This has been the worst day
of my life, all right?

You obviously know
about the money.

What you don't know
is that I had to do it.

I mean, I would have
been responsible

for closing down
the whole company. I...

I don't even know
if you know

that i'm not married,
which i'm not,

but I want to be,
i just...

Would you please
say something?

Why didn't you tell me?

I--i guess I just didn't
trust you to believe me,

that I wanted
to marry you first,

and that the money was,

I don't know, like
a really big wedding gift.

But i've spent
the whole night

asking every woman
in the world to marry me.

"Every woman"?

You asked buckley?

Everyone...
But the one I want.

What was that that you were
saying about my freckle?

It's still there.

If you want to walk away,
i understand,

but I just really got
to tell you this.

Today I realized
that the only thing

that's really special
about me is you.

And I can spend my whole
life scared and alone,

rowing around
with some priest,

or I could tell you
how much I love you,

that you make me
so happy...

And that if it takes
our whole married life

for me to make it up
to you,

I would be so honored
just to have that chance.

I just want
to be with you.

Oh, my god.

Now, that was a proposal.

We gotta go.
Come on, we gotta go.

Ok!
We gotta go!

Father!
Stay with him.

We'll get anne.
Come on, roy.

Yeah, leave it
to abbott and costello.

anne: Where'd
you get this?

Some preppy girl
threw it over the staircase

on the concourse and
ran off with another girl.

[Fabric ripping]

[People chattering]

Sid:
Yo! Jimmie!

11 minutes to spare.
Not bad, huh?

What do you mean?
Where's anne?

With natalie,
changing.

[All laughing]

natalie?

You look stunning.

I do?
Mm-hmm.

Yeah, ok.
Maybe you're right.

I do.

i'm missing you
already.

Oh.

Come on!

Where's jimmie?

Oh!

* give me land, lots of land
under starry skies above *

* don't fence me in *

get back here!
Take it like a man!

* don't fence me in *

* let me be by myself
in the evening breeze *

* listen to the murmur
of the cottonwood trees *

oh, come on!
Jiminy christmas!

[Jimmie yelling]

* don't fence me in *

* don't fence me in *

jimmie!
Hey, jimmie!

Jimmie! Jimmie! Jimmie!
Where's the priest?

You lost the priest?

Move it, fat boy!

anne!

anne!

[Siren blares]

Officer over p.a.:
Move away from the vehicle!

anne!

Excuse me.

anne!

Priest over p.a.:
Dearly beloved,

we are gathered today

to join 2 people
in holy matrimony.

Jimmie, if you can hear this,
give us a nod.

Good.

anne? Is anne out there?

Jimmie:
I can't see her!

anne!

anne?

Over here, father!

Ahem. We are gathered here
in the sight of god

and the presence
of this company...

anne!

To join jimmie shannon
and anne arden

in holy matrimony.

Oh, jesus!

Uh, the, uh, the union
of husband and, uh--

never mind. Jimmie?

Do you take this anne
to have and to hold,

for richer, for poorer,

in sickness and in health,
forsaking all others

as long as
you both shall live?

Jimmie!

I do.

I do!

I thought
you would.

Uh, anne, do you take
this jimmie,

to have and to hold,
for better or for worse,

for richer, for poorer,
in sickness and in health,

forsaking all others for
as long as you both shall live?

I do!

Up with her now.

i've got her.

I do.

Priest:
anne, I can't hear you.

I do!

anne?

Shut up!

[Crowd quiets]

Huh!

Oh, my gosh!
How beautiful.

Oh, how beautiful!

Listen.

Can I talk to you
for just a second?

i've been proposed to...

Really badly...

A lot, and, uh,

and then proposed
to, um,

pretty great, actually.

And, um, well, jimmie,

he--he's not perfect,

but I love him.

And, well, he loves me.

So I think that...
He should be my husband.

There's my cake.

So, could this...

Could this please
be my day?

Crowd:
Awww!

[Crowd cheering]

And now, by the power
vested in me by god,

I pronounce you
husband and wife.

[Laughs]

Cake for everybody!
Who wants cake?

Here you go, sweetheart.
Have some cake.

There we go. Here we go.
Here you go, sweetheart.

Take some cake here.

rita!

Ha ha ha!

[Both laughing]

Woman:
Throw the bouquet!

Throw the bouquet!

* your love
keep on lifting *

* higher *

* higher and higher *

* I said your love *

* keep on *

* lifting me
higher and higher *

* listen, now once
i was downhearted *

* disappointment
was my closest friend *

* but then you came,
and it soon departed *

* and you know he never
showed his face again *

* that's why your love *

* keep on lifting me *

* higher *

* higher and higher *

* I said your love *

* keep on *

* lifting me
higher and higher *

* all right *

* ooh, ooh-ooh-ooh *

* i'm so glad *

* I finally found you *

* yes, that
one-in-a-million girl *

* and now with
my loving arms around you *

* honey, I can stand up *

* and face the world *

* let me tell you
your love *

* keep on lifting me *

* higher *

* higher and higher *

* all right, now,
sock it to me *

* hold me,
lift me up over *

* keep my love going *

* higher and higher *

* I said keep on lifting *

* lift me up, mama *

* keep on lifting *

captioning made possible by
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captioned by the national
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