Original subtitles

(Low chatter)

(Man) I'm not very interested in my school days

and feel no special nostalgia for them.

But I remember sixth form.

Good morning.

And welcome to you all as we begin the new term.

In those days, we imagined ourselves as being in a holding pen,

waiting to be released into our lives.

(Headmaster) ...from summer to autumn,

-so, too, do we think ahead...

- Rather him than us. - Shh.

And when that moment wou! d come, we would be at university.

(♪ Count Five: "Psychotic Reaction")

How were we to know that our lives had already begun...

...and our release would only be into a larger holding pen?

And in time, a larger holding pen.

When you are young, you want your emotions

to be! ike the ones you read about in books.

You want them to overtum your life and create a new reality.

But as that second hand insists on speeding up

and time delivers us all too quickly into middle age and then old age...

...that's when you want something a little milder, don't you?

You want your emotions to support your life as it has become.

You want them to te!! you that everything is going to be OK.

And is there anything wrong with that?

(♪ Antonin Dvorak: "Slavonic Dance No. 7 in c minor, op. 46)

"Sir, according to your recent survey, 95 per cent of British motorists

"describe themselves as "above average drivers".

"But by the law of averages, we are, most of us, bound to be average.

"Are we not?

"Anthony Webster, London."

- (He sighs) - Good timing.

- Sorry? - Ah, that's, er...

(Device beeps) Ooh. Thanks.

Lovely morning, isn't it?

(Knocking)

- Can I help you? - Just looking.

By all means.

Wow...

These are beautiful.

How much is this one?

£2,399.

- 2,000? - Extremely rare model.

- Still works, huh? - Of course.

How do you source them? On the internet?

I've been in the Leica business a while, so we have our own exclusive sources.

"We"? It's just you, isn't it?

If there's anything you're particularly interested in, I may be able to help you.

Do you have anything cheaper?

Some Leica IIls, 500.

500?

Wow.

These are the finest cameras ever made.

People buy them because they love them.

Well, as they say, I'd be rich if I didn't have kids.

You got kids?

- Excuse me? - I've got two baby girls.

I have a daughter.

Oh. Fathers and daughters, eh? Very special.

OK.

Well, I'll look you up when the kids have left home.

- Tony Webster. - Have a love! y day, Tony Webster.

OK.

(Phone rings)

- Hello, Margaret. - I'm calling to remind you that...

...this evening you're duty-bound

to attend NCT with your beloved daughter.

Tonight?

No, no, sorry. No can do.

For God's sake. This should be in your diary. Susie's relying on you.

I can't do it with this thing on my leg.

I'm winding you up.

- (He laughs) - Somebody is in a p! ayful mood.

Always.

Don't forget to dig out something loose fitting.

Lycra a!! in one.

Very attractive.

What are you doing this evening?

- Working. What else? - Really?

- I expect a full report in the morning. - How is the foot, by the way?

Bye, Tony.

Hmm, charming...

(Car alarm beeps)

- (Woman) Hi. - It's me.

- You're not Mum. - Indeed, I'm not. your mother sent me.

I'm your geriatric knight in shining armour.

- Can you give me a minute? - Can I come in?

- (She sighs) - (Buzzer)

Thank you.

(Man on Radio) Britain will be economically stronger

if it remains in the European Union.

He said a vote to leave would cause such instability on the financial markets

that the UK could be tipped back into recession.

Campaign... (Radio off)

Alright, Dad, let's do this.

- Have you seen this? - I know, I know.

- It's the bollocking upstairs neighbour. - What happened?

I don't know. Overflowing bath, or something.

It's ridiculous.

I know. Come on.

- I'll write to them. - Dad, no one writes letters any more.

So, I should probably warn you. Tonight will likely feature lesbians.

Ha! I have known quite a number of lesbians in my time, thank you very much.

Artificially inseminated lesbians.

Ha-Ha! I once knew a pasteurised lesbian.

Just try not to say anything too mental, will you?

The woman who runs the group takes the whole thing pretty serious! y.

Ha! I'm sure she does.

(She sighs)

I am Tony. I am this evening's stand-in mother. Standing in

for the mother of the mother.

Just rock with it. And you will get a rhythm.

But not to worry, I have been effective! y sterilised.

(Organiser) The voice of experience.

Now the contraction comes, so... sit up!

- Your contractions are coming. - Hi, I'm Susie.

This is my first.

Erm, I'm expecting a boy in October.

(Organiser) You are in the arms of your protector.

Your baby is going to be fine.

I think I am going to name him Joshua.

Really?

Yeah.

(Organiser) We have got another surge that's started.

So... Are you OK there, Dad?

So, maybe if you come further down.

That's it.

(Organiser) So, this is the other thing.

It depends on if your partner is agi! e or not agile.

You know, to get into positions...

It's taking them into consideration as well.

Make whatever is comfortable for both of you.

(Low chatter)

(Low chatter and laughter)

It was amazing and so much fun.

Wait here a sec. I want to give you something.

Oh, all right.

(Susie) Oh. Huh.

(He sighs)

(Male on radio)...criticism of the government's approach

to re-building Britain's economy...

(Sizzling)

Whoops! (She laughs)

- Here. - What's this?

Time to join the 21 st century.

Not least because I am about to burst and Mum is an invalid.

- You're my only hope. - Ha!

- Bye, Dad. - Bye.

(Engine starts)

(Whistling)

(Postman's cart rumbles)

- Oh, good morning. - Just about.

Um, right...

Let me get that on the...

And then I need you to... (Device beeps)

Er... And then you need to... (Beeps) Wait, no.

Oh, !'m sorry. There.

- Right. - Thanks.

(Postman) Right, have a nice...

(Woman) Dear Tony, I think it right that you should have the attached.

"Adrian always spoke warmly of you.

"And perhaps you'll find it an interesting,

"if painful, memento of long ago.

"I am also leaving you some money.

"You may find this a bit strange and to tell you the truth,

"I am not entirely sure what my own motives are.

"But! wish you we!!, even from beyond the grave.

"Yours, Sarah Ford.

"P.S. it may sound a little odd,

"but! think the last months of his life were happy."

Mr Webster?

"Dear Tony.

"I think it right you should have the attached.

"Adrian always spoke warmly of you.

"And perhaps you'll find it an interesting, if painful,

memento of! ong ago."

- We do not... - So, it is this attached item

referred to which is the missing item.

We do not currently have the second item in our possession.

Excuse me?

We do not currently have the second item in our possession.

- Where on earth is it? - The item is with Mrs Ford's executor.

- Mrs Ford's daughter. - Veronica.

- Hmm. - You've asked for it, I assume.

That's correct.

Has she given you any reason for withholding it?

- I'm afraid I don't know. - Forgive me, but what do you know?

- What is it? Have you actually seen it? - No.

! haven't. Um... I can look it up for you.

- If you wish. - Please do.

So, Mrs Ford's will describes the second item...

- ...as a diary. - A diary? Belonging to Mrs Ford?

I'm afraid that's not clear.

Can you let me have Veronica's address, please?

Sorry. We can't give out clients' addresses without their permission.

Veronica and I know one another... Well, did know one another,

albeit a long time ago.

I'm afraid I would need her authority to do that.

Well, wi!! you kindly request that authority, please?

Very well.

- Thank you. - Thank you.

- A p! easure meeting you, Mr Webster. - Goodbye.

And you should know that my ex-wife is a QC.

Yeah. This all seems fine.

So, she has it. The diary.

- That much, at least, we do know. - Sorry, who has it?

Those things are rea! ly bad for you. They just build up excess mucus.

I'm sorry, Dr Webster!

Didn't think we were here to discuss my breadstick intake.

Sorry. Sorry. Sorry.

I'll feel better once we've eaten.

Once we've ordered. Ah!

Thank God.

- Sir, Madam? - I'd like the carbonara, please.

And the penne con salsa di pomodoro e basilico.

Thank you.

- What? - So tell me. Tell me.

(♪ Count Five: "Psychotic Reaction")

♪ I feel so depressed, I feel so bad

♪ Cos you're the best girl that I've ever had

♪ I can't get your! ove I can't get your affection

♪ Oh little girl, psychotic reaction

♪ And it feels like this...

Not enjoying the party?

It's not really my cup of tea.

I'm a manic depressive, you see.

Not another one.

Clifton Suspension Bridge. My mind's made up.

Done.

Well...

It was nice to meet you.

Tony.

Tony.

(Boat horn)

I wonder how far it is.

It's 245 feet.

So, not very far, then.

Why is your watch on the inside of your wrist?

Is it? I don't know.

(Camera clicks)

So what's your subject, then?

Le français.

Oh... Oui.

- Parlez-vous français? - Oui.

(She chuckles)

Bougez pas!

(He c! ears throat)

Magnifique.

(♪ Donavan: "There was a time")

Cheers.

Cheers.

♪ I was noble personage

♪ Born to beautify the page

♪ if I used time

♪ To set it down

♪ There was a time I thought of mine...

You sti!! haven't told me your name.

I tend to find it inadvisable to give out my name

to strange men I've only just met.

- Sounds like a fruitcake, this Sarah. - Veronica. Her name's Veronica.

I thought you said the diary belonged to Sarah?

The diary, yes, was left to me by Sarah Ford.

- Who is? - Veronica's mother.

So, you slept with Veronica or you slept with Sarah?

Strictly speaking, neither. Sadly.

Veronica and I were together.

- Boyfriend, girlfriend. - Exact! y, yes. Kind of an item, yes.

- But that... - That's how you know Sarah?

- Yes. - Right.

So we're getting somewhere.

(Car horn)

Looks like he's planning to move in.

You look nervous.

Tony, this is my father.

- Tony. - David.

We've heard all about you, Tony.

Come on. Let's get you two lovebirds home.

(Car horn)

Ta-da!

Ooh.

You can pee into the basin at night, if you wish.

(David laughs)

(Woman sings in background)

♪ ...l can change the grey skies to blue...

(Man c! ears throat)

Not bad, eh?

Jack.

- I'm the big brother. - Tony.

- We've heard all about you, Tony. - Oh?

How do you like your lamb, Tony?

Sorry?

We're having lamb this evening.

(He chuckles) Oh, right. I see.

Excellent.

I'm partial to a bit of rare meat myself.

(Singing continues)

I'll let you get settled.

(Door closes)

(She chuckles)

- Here, Tony, have some roast potatoes. - Thank you.

Thank you, Mrs Ford. It all looks love! y.

Hear, hear. Motion seconded.

(Jack) And me, please, Mother.

Thank you.

- How many? - One more, please.

Pass it down.

Do start.

A friend of mine's at Cambridge, as it happens.

Adrian Finn?

- Should I know him? - He's studying philosophy.

My deepest sympathies.

(Low! aughter)

(Sarah) What about you, Tony? You haven't told us what your subject is.

English literature.

What do you hope to do with an undergraduate degree

in Eng! ish literature?

Well... I hope to write.

- Write? - Yes.

Poems. Poetry.

A poet?

And who's your favourite... poet?

Mum.

- Dylan Thomas. - (David) Yes. The gloomy Welshman.

"And the winds did bloom And the brides in the wooed field

"Did sew the coming summer frost..."

(David) Ah, bravo, Jack.

See what I have to put up with, Tony?

- I'm partial to a little Larkin myself. - Oh, yes.

He's wonderful also.

"I work all day, and get half-drunk at night...

"Waking at four to soundless dark...

"! stare...

"In time, the curtain edges will go bright."

(Laughs nervously)

(David) Hear, hear.

So...

Good night, then.

(Whispers) I didn't say anything embarrassing at dinner, did I?

- (Whispers) Why are you whispering? - I don't know.

(Usual voice) Sorry.

(Whispers) I hope you sleep the sleep of the wicked.

(Breathing quickens)

(Breathing becomes rapid)

(Owl hoots)

(Low groan)

It's important you understand

the scale of sexual frustration of my younger self.

For God's sake. You poor thing.

Are you sure there isn't some undoused fire in your breast, Mr Webster?

Quite sure.

So, if the, let's presume,

still-unmarried fruitcake walked into this restaurant now

and sat in that table,

how would the long-divorced Mr Anthony Webster react?

I don't think I'd be especially p! eased to see her.

You wouldn't start rolling up your sleeves and turning over your watch?

Good God. I wish I'd never to! d you that.

Can we have more coffee?

Come on, !et's hear the rest of it.

(Sarah) Morning.

You looking for something?

No, I was just looking.

The others have gone for a walk.

Veronica said you'd prefer a lie-in, so we opted not to disturb you.

- Are you hungry? - Yes.

Have a seat.

(Sarah hums)

You won't let Veronica get away with too much, wi!! you?

Sorry?

Don't let her get away with too much.

Sorry, I'm not quite sure I follow your meaning.

- (Sizzles) - Oh! Damn it!

Whoops. (Laughs)

Sorry.

I'm normally very good at eggs.

- Tony, let me have it. - Thank you.

(David hums)

Well, Jack.

He'!! do, I suppose.

(Laughter)

Thanks for staying the weekend, Tony.

Thank you, Mrs Ford.

(Engine starts)

(David continues humming)

I like your mum.

Ha! Sounds like you've got a rival, Veron.

Sounds! ike you're not the only one.

Excuse me, I'm still speaking.

- You don't say. - Something is clearly going on.

Someone you knew, long ago, has left you something or other.

Exactly. Which has been unduly withheld from me

and to which I am legally entitled.

Well, you could fight it or you can just let it go.

Cash the cheque, take me on a budget holiday.

250 each, get us to the Channel Islands.

- Listen, the point I'm... - Something is certainly going on.

So, just call me when you really want to talk about it.

Oh, and the foot's much better, thanks for asking.

How is it, the foot?

(A! arm clock)

(Car horn)

(Car approaches)

(Lawyer) So, I passed on your letters, all 13 of them, to Miss Ford.

And?

While Miss Ford is still not ready to part with the diary.

I can tell you that the diary, it seems, belonged to a Mr Adrian Finn.

I see.

I've raised your concern

in terms of if or when you might receive Mr Finn's the diary.

Let me get this straight.

She should have handed the diary over to you. She hasn't.

You've asked for it, but she's refusing to give it up.

Yes, that's certain! y how things stand at present.

In my experience, Mr Webster,

people often like to take some time out

following a bereavement. Don't you think?

That's as maybe.

But I want to be quite sure

that you are clear that that diary belongs to me.

(Speech drowned out by car)

(Tyres screech, horn)

(Man) Who's this?

(Margaret) I'I! explain.

Hello.

Andrew, this is Tony. My ex-husband.

Oh. How are you doing, Tony? Alright?

- Hi. - We work together.

Can we talk? It's important.

Well, I'll leave you to it, then.

Good to meet you, Tony.

I'll see you Monday.

This is not on, Tony. Coming around without being asked. Sorry.

You told me to call when I was ready to tell you what was going on.

Are you gonna let me in?

...summer to autumn, so, too, do we think ahead...

- Rather him than us. - Shh.

(Footsteps)

(Boys laugh)

(Door opens)

Good morning, gentlemen.

I trust that you had good holidays, but time and tide tarry for no man. So...

Henry VIII.

Which of you bright young things can give me

a characterisation of the age? Hm?

Hmm?

Simpson.

Any thoughts?

- There was unrest, sir. - (Sniggering)

No, no... lnsightful, as always.

But might you perhaps care to... elaborate?

There was great unrest, sir.

(Sniggering)

Oh, dear.

Anyone?

Finn?

Now, I'm conscious it's your first day with us but, erm...

Any thoughts?

- I don't know. - What don't you know?

I cannot know what I don't know, sir.

That's phi! osophical! y self-evident.

What we do know is that something happened, sir.

Come again?

Well, something happened.

All one can ever truly say of any particular period of history, sir,

is that something happened.

A great line to Hunt earlier. About "something happened"?

Oh, yes. I was disappointed he didn't take that up.

We! I, I thought you made an extremely valid point.

- I'm Tony Webster. - I'm Adrian Finn.

That's cheery.

- Are you familiar with Dylan Thomas? - Hmm... Yes.

I find him to be one of the most humane poets of the 20th century.

(Co! in) ...and when he did say it, it was ridiculous.

Parents. What a load of fucking bastards.

Adrian Finn, Colin Simpson. Co! in Simpson, Adrian Finn.

- Hello, Adrian Finn. - And this is Alex Stuart.

Really great line to Hunt. Rea!! y great.

- Is there an issue with your parents? - "lssue" is putting it mildly.

- Just when you think you can trust them. - Fucking bastards.

...they go and behave like...

- Henry Vlll? - Like Henry the fucking Vlll, exactly.

- Why are all your watches turned inside? - Because...

- (Colin) Good question. - We're standing against...

- Hierarchically imposed... - (A! ex) Intrinsica!! y flawed...

- ...notions of time. - It also looks quite cool.

(A! ex) So Dylan Thomas, interesting.

Yes.

Any good?

- Do you know him? - Not really.

- (Tony) Not personally. - (Laughter)

(Low chatter)

(Whispers) I'm really sick of staring at wood panelling.

What they talking about?

(Whispering)

I'm sorry to report...

...that I have some rather sad news,

which I wish to share with you all this morning.

Joseph Dobson, of the Science Sixth

has been found dead.

He was a gifted pupi! with a natura! aptitude

for both science and modern languages.

He was sadly cut down in the flower of his youth.

Flower? Dobson is more vegetable material.

- (Stifles! aughter) - (A! ex) Was. Must have killed himself.

- What? - (Alex) Shit.

Finn. You're unusually quiet this afternoon.

I'm not sure I can add anything to the debate, sir.

Will wonders never cease?

I don't find the historian's need

to ascribe responsibility a particularly fruitful arena, sir.

Care to elaborate?

Historians yearn for an answer to the question

of who's to blame for this event, or for that atrocity but...

I don't know, sir. Sometimes it seems to me it is impossible to know.

- Go on. - Well, Patrick Lagrange, sir, said that

"History is the certainty produced at the point

"when the imperfections of memory

"meet the inadequacies of documentation."

It's the lies of victors, sir.

As long as you understand that it is also the delusions of the defeated.

Take Dobson's suicide, sir.

OK.

We are told Dobson came to take his own life, perhaps,

when he understood his girlfriend was pregnant.

Finn! Dobson's death is a private matter.

No.! t's a! so a historical matter.

The point is, nothing can now be known

in the absence of Dobson's own testimony.

We may never know the truth and...

...no amount of intellectual posturing can alter that.

Do you see the problem...

Sir?

Finn, I see the problem, thank you.

Camus says that suicide is the only true philosophical question.

Apart from ethics, po! itics, aesthetics and all that other stuff...

All that other stuff we're learning about...

The on! y true one. The essential one on which a!! the others depend.

When we left school and went our separate ways,

out of everyone, Adrian was the only one

I desperately wanted to stay in touch with.

Lovely. Thank you.

- Cheers. - Cheers.

(Both) Mmm.

That is good. I dare say it's almost as good as sex.

Couldn't possibly comment.

Maybe I need to improve my taste in wine.

Or your taste in sex.

(He chuckles)

Speaking of which, are we going to address the fact

that almost everything you've told me in the last few days,

you've told me for the very first time?

I've never told you about all this, because it wasn't important.

In all the years that we were together, Mr Webster,

it just never occurred to you that it might be important

to tell me about your former love?

Your first love, no doubt.

I'm not talking about Adrian Finn.

I see.

Well, Mrs Webster, I think you're very much barking up the wrong tree.

Indeed, on the wrong patch of! and a! together.

Veronica and I were never in love, I can assure you.

She gave you your first camera, didn't she?

Mmm. Tony, it doesn't feel right.

(Cracks joint)

Do you ever think about where our relationship is heading?

Is this a thinly veiled attempt to bring up our sex life?

No.

I'm positively laid-back about the fact that we haven't had sex yet.

Does it have to?

Does it have to what?

Head somewhere. Our relationship.

At the time, I thought at least nobody died.

Nobody got pregnant.

You sound positive! y crestfallen.

Oh, p! ease, no. I'll be all over the place.

- Stop. - (He laughs)

But how did your friend's diary end up with fruitcake's mother?

I think Adrian's stuff ended up with Veronica.

And that's how the diary found its way to Sarah Ford.

Yeah, but how did Adrian's stuff end up with fruitcake?

Veronica. I was just coming to that.

(TV on)

(Knock at door)

(Adrian) Dear Tony, I wanted to write to you as,

in recent months, Veronica and I have grown very close.

lndeed, we have now embarked upon a relationship together.

This would no doubt come to your attention

and we thought it best you heard it from us.

Your friendship is deeply important to us, Tony.

(Chuckles)

(Chuckles)

(♪ The Troggs: "With a girl like you")

♪ I want to spend my life With a girl like you

♪ Ba-ba-ba-ba bah Ba-ba-ba-ba

♪ And do a!! the things that you want me to...

When did you last see him, then?

About three months ago.

Right where you're sitting. That's why I suggested it.

He was going down to Chislehurst.

- How did he seem? - Cheerful.

Happy. Like himself...

Only more so.

As we said goodbye, he told me he was in love.

(Inhales deeply)

- How did he do it? - Wrists in the bath.

Jesus Christ.

He knew how to do it. Diagonally.

If you cut straight across,

you! ose consciousness and the wound heals up.

You botch it.

Or perhaps you drown yourself.

No, still second place.

Adrian would have wanted first.

(Dripping water)

That's sort of Greek, isn't it?

- (Both) No, it's hemlock. - (They laugh)

More the exemplary Roman, I'd say.

Opening the vein.

- It's fucking impressive. - Yeah...

Or a miserable waste.

(Margaret) So, what do you think you'll find in the diary?

I've no idea. It's just mine.

I think it's quite touching that you're so stubborn.

It's probably a way of not losing the plot at your age.

I don't think I'd have reacted any differently when we were younger.

Do you remember that au pair we had? The...

- ...Swedish one? - Mmm.

I found her diary once.

And I was tidying up and I read it.

And do you know what I found?

She'd written, "I'm working for a rea! cow.

(He chortles)

"Husband's alright. Just keeps looking at my arse."

You should have said. We'd have got rid of her.

That's not the point of my story.

- It's getting late. - Is it?

Sure! y you're not insisting your inebriated ex

risks his life on the open road?

- Collateral damage. - Think about my fellow drivers, then.

You're not staying.

- Good night, then. - Wait, wait. I've got a question.

- Why did you! eave me? - (She sighs)

Be honest.

Tony...

No, be honest. Tell me.

Did you leave because of me?

Are you angry about Veronica?

I'm not anything about Veronica.

- Wasn't that bad, was it? - (She sniggers)

- Good night, Tony. - Good night.

♪ Chills and fever

♪ Chills and fever

♪ That's what I get

♪ When I think of you...

- Tony Webster. How the devil are you? - Colin Simpson. Wonderful to see you.

Alex... How love! y. Great to see you.

You sit in there.

- Are you sure? - Yeah, yeah. Go on, go on.

- Do you want a tea? - You haven't changed. I will have a tea.

Excuse me, love. Cou! d we have another tea?

Blimey...

What a nut job. Whatever did you see in her?

You and Adrian both.

Well, you know, she was very mysterious.

(Co! in chuckles)

You know, the great irony, of course, was that it was you that introduced them.

- Introduced who? - Adrian and Veronica.

No, Adrian met Veronica through her brother, Jack.

Oh, wishful thinking, my old friend.

No. Adrian and Jack were at Cambridge together.

- But that's not how they met. - No.

- It was your fault they got together. - Ho! e-in-one.

No, no, no.

You came up to town from Bristol with your lady love and met all of us.

Yeah, chomping at the bit to introduce the love of your! ife.

Oh, I could have sworn they met through Jack.

Afraid not.

I'm surprised you haven't had a rummage through your photos.

If memory serves, you were always snapping away.

Hm. Oh. Well, they must have been deemed surplus to requirements.

(Colin) Hm. That's a pity, old bean.

(Alex) So, have you tried contacting her directly?

How?

- She's not there. Try Jack. - OK.

(Keyboard clatters)

- Oh, right. - Loads of them.

- Try that. - This one?

- Oh, it's him. - Yeah.

Wow.

- Where on earth is he? - Cricket.

- Tennis, is it? - Tennis...

- Oh, look. - (Alex guffaws)

- Who's that? - I don't know.

He! ooks as self-satisfied as he ever did.

(They chuckle)

(All) Oh! Oh!

(They laugh)

Do you want to send him a message?

- Isn't that a bit much? - No, it'd be rude not to.

Do people really communicate this way?

Yours truly communicates this way.

- Really? - Yeah.

I got in touch with a woman I went to university with.

Hadn't seen her for 40 years.

- We met up, got on like a house on fire. - Oh, great.

- You see, it's a boon for us widowers. - Oh.

- There you go. Sent. - (Computer pings)

Oh, done.

- What? - You're in now.

Welcome to the 21st century, Mr Webster.

Oh, blimey.

Ta-ra.

- Tell us how it all turns out. - Certainly will.

- Don't let her get to you, old bean. - lnsightful as always.

(Alex) Henry VIII.

Now, which one of you young bright things

can offer characterisation of the age?

- Simpson? - I'd say there was unrest, sir.

I'd even say there was great unrest, sir.

(Laughter)

(A! ex) I think it's too...

(Voice drowned out by soundtrack)

(Chatter, laughter, music plays)

♪ Cos you're the best girl that I've ever had

♪ I can't get your! ove I can't get your affection

♪ Oh little girl, psychotic reaction

♪ And it feels like this...

(Camera clicks)

Not enjoying the party?

(Phone rings)

(Phone rings)

(Music crescendos)

(Phone continues)

Oh, shit.

(TONY) Hello, you have reached...

...the phone of Anthony Webster. I'm unable to take your call now.

Please leave me a message after the beep

and I will return your call at my earliest convenience. Thank you.

- Fuck. - (Answerphone beeps)

(Woman) Hello.

This is Veronica Ford.

! am in receipt of all your correspondence,

and I also understand from my brother

that you wish to meet to discuss my mother's estate.

I will be in town this morning.

! wi!! see you at the wobbly bridge at 9am.

(Phone clicks, then beeps)

Shit.

(Electrical buzzing)

(♪Nick Drake: "Time has told me")

♪ Time has told me

♪ You're a rare find

♪ A troubled cure

Could I get a glass of red wine, please?

♪ For a troubled mind

♪ Time has told me

♪ Not to ask for more

♪ For some day our ocean...

(Laughter)

Are you...? Are you sure?

Really, Anthony.

You said it didn't feel right when we were going out.

Well, it didn't. Then.

But it does now?

I don't know.

You're quite cowardly, aren't you?

♪ Time has told me

♪ You came with the dawn

♪ A soul with no footprint...

Veronica?

Hello, Anthony.

- You look well. - You're bald.

At least it proves I'm not an alcoholic.

Do people think you're an alcoholic?

No, I don't know but... I read that if you're a very heavy drinker,

something in the booze stops your hair from falling out.

Shall we find somewhere to sit down?

- Where? - Anywhere?

I'm easy, as you may recall.

- Ready to order? - I'll have a fresh mint tea, please.

- Um... What sort of coffee do you serve? - We serve our own blend.

- Roasted in our roastery in Herne Hill. - Blimey.

- We don't mess around. - In that case, a macchiato, please.

- Single or double? - Single, thank you.

Thank you.

Their own blend. Impressive stuff. (He chuckles)

(Child shouts)

I was sorry to hear about your mother, Veronica.

Yes.

- As you're no doubt aware... - (Child bangs toy)

...it appears your mother left something to me in her will.

- (Child bangs on table) - When I spoke to your mother's solicitor,

I was told that the item that has been left to me was

a diary written by Adrian.

- I don't have the diary. - Excuse me?

I burnt it.

- But it belongs to me. - It doesn't be! ong to anyone.

- (Chi! d shouts) - Look!

I think you'!! find that the zoo is north of the river.

Unbelievable.

I at least have the right

to know what is in it.

Legally, yes.

Morally, no.

Have you any idea how unsettling it was for me

after however many years it's been

to receive a letter from your mother?

I can't be held accountable for my mother's actions.

Actua!! y, as executor of her will, I rather suggest that you can.

What's this?

Because you seem to need something to read.

- Bye, Anthony. - I'm sorry I raised my voice.

(Phone rings)

Hi.

(Car horn)

Sorry.

- That wasn't five minutes. - No, I know. Quick.

Traffic was dreadful. I'm really sorry.

So, this is it, is it?

No, it's a spectacularly elaborate wind-up, Dad.

- Yeah, sorry, point taken. - Have you heard from Mum?

No, but I phoned her and she's in a meeting but I left a message.

(Susie) Oh.

Right. OK. Off we go.

- Dad, I think I'm gonna be sick. - You're gonna be sick?

(She groans)

(Groans) Oh, this whole thing's such a load of shit.

I mean, our gene pool alone is bad enough.

Workaholic meets curmudgeon meets deranged...

- You're not a curmudgeon. - ! was talking about you.

I know, darling. The best thing you can do is just relax.

Look, don't tell me to relax.

Jesus. Just ca!! Mum.

- Afternoon, I'm Emma. - Hi, Emma. I'm Tony. This is Susie.

- How are we doing? - Having a bit of a wobble.

- For Christ's sake, Dad. - Alright, I'll leave you two to it, OK?

- Where are you going? - Isn't that what you want?

Do you want me to stay? Do you want me to go? Call Mum?

Yes.

Right, right.

(Laughter on TV)

(Young Tony) Dear Adrian and Veronica...

Hello, bitch, and welcome to this letter.

(Doors bang)

A! etter to you both to wish you much joy.

You certainly deserve one another.

Indeed, I hope you get so involved that the mutual damage will be permanent.

Part of me hopes you'!! have a chi! d. I'm a great believer in time's revenge.

Yea, unto the next generation and all that.

But in faimess, it would perhaps be somewhat unjust

to inflict such ill-will on the fruit of your poisonous loins.

Adrian, if she hasn't let you go all the way yet,

I suggest you break up with her.

No doubt she'll be round quick as a flash with sodden knickers

and a three-pack, eager to give it away.

(She moans)

Certainly, it worked for yours truly.

Veronica is, undoubtedly, someone who will manipulate you.

Even her own mother wamed me against her.

! n fact, if! were you, I'd check things out with Mum.

(Margaret) Tony?

- Where is she? - It's alright. She's fine.

She's through here.

(Suitcase wheels squeak)

So, what was the problem?

It's fine. It's a false alarm.

I don't understand.

- No one's expecting you to. - Give me some credit.

(Susie coughs)

Stop the car.

- Stop the car. - All right.

- She's fee! ing sick, stop the car. - OK, yeah.

(Vomit splashes)

Good girl. Get it all out.

(Susie coughs)

(She whimpers)

- How is she? - She's fine.

Do you need a lift home?

I think I'm gonna stay.

So, do you think I should stay too?

That's completely up to you.

I met Veronica.

Well, congratulations.

Would you believe it? She's hardly changed.

She still has the same extraordinary coolness.

- Here. - What?

- To mop up the droo! - Ah.

I want to show you something.

What?

- What's that? - Open it.

This is horrible.

(She gasps)

- Did you write this? - She gave it to me and then she left.

- But I followed her. - You did what?

- I don't mean followed-followed, but... - Is this her car license number?

Yes. Listen. A!!! wanted to do was establish...

Following someone home

and jotting down their car license number is tantamount to stalking.

- Margaret, come on. - No, I'm perfectly serious.

Seems to me you're a hair's breadth away from a restraining order.

- I wanted to apologise. - No, you didn't.

You wanted to hear her say

how wonderful you are and how you haven't changed.

And how she's thought of you all these years

and looked up at the stars and wondered...

- I'm sorry, it's all a bit pathetic. - Well, don't hold back, will you?

Do you know what really strikes me is

your total inability to see what's right under your nose?

Such as?

Such as your daughter

who happens to be lying next door going out of her mind.

You said she was fine.

You're on your own now.

(Turns on tap, dishes clatter)

(Switches radio on)

♪ Just remember I'll still be around

♪ And I know, I know Like I told you so many times before

♪ You're gonna come back Yes, you're gonna come back

♪ A-knocking, knocking on my door

♪ Yeah, yeah!

♪ Yeah, time is on my side

♪ Yes, it is...

- Come on. - No.

- Come on. - Tony, I don't dance.

- It's good for the soul. - (She laughs softly)

♪ Kind that you need

♪ That's why I know You'll come running back

♪ There's gonna be the same feeling You'll come running back

♪ You'll come running back

♪ All of my worries will be over...

(Music fades)

(He sighs)

- (Man) Might rain later. - (Veronica) Mm. There's always a later.

(Engine starts)

(People shouting out)

(Man) Hey, hey, that's enough.

That's enough.

Friday is pub night.

Hey, Graham, I'm watching you, right?

(Man) Come on, let's all make it across. Make the pub in one piece.

Here we are. Let's do a little head count.

- So, sha!! we have a beer? - Yes, have a beer.

(Veronica) You're all looking forward to your beers.

- Well, I'm going to be leaving you. - Are you going?

(Veronica) Yeah, I'll see you next week. All right?

- Bye. - See you next week.

- Bye-bye, Veronica. - Bye-bye!

- (Man) Lovely to see you, Veronica. - (All) Bye.

(Quickening footsteps)

- What are you doing? - Oh, hi.

- I saw you and... - Saw me and what?

I was passing through, I saw you and thought now's the chance to...

I don't want you following me.

- I wasn't following you. - You were running after me.

Jogging, maybe.

What do you want?

When I read that letter...

It wasn't intended as a start to a conversation.

Nonetheless, let me at least buy you a drink.

Let me buy you a drink and you'll never have to see me again, ever.

- What is this? - My details.

No, I have your details. What is it that you do?

I have a shop, albeit a very, very, very sma!! shop, selling cameras.

Rare, second-hand cameras. Leicas.

Make a living?

Yes. Well, depends what you call a living. I'm retired, so...

So, coffee or drink?

Is this about closing the circle?

I don't know about that. But it can't hurt, can it?

I'm not available to go and have a drink with you now.

OK.

But perhaps at some point.

Great. Fantastic. Whenever suits.

(Rain patters)

(Low chatter)

Me, me.

"Downton's" Abbey.

I've never watched it.

- Has anyone watched that? - Is it good?

- I'm going to go to the toilet. - OK.

- She works on a Sunday, doesn't she? - I don't know.

- That very nice barmaid... - No, she's not.

- She's round here. - She's not.

- What's her name? - I don't know.

- Yes, you do. - No, I don't.

You do know her name.

- Like your badges. - Yeah.

Amazing array. Can I have a look?

They're brilliant.

I'm a Stones fan, myself.

- Wanna tell him where you get them? - Yeah, where do you get them?

Do you have a favourite in particular?

- This one? - Yeah? It is...

I think that was very expensive, wasn't it?

You bought that one the other day, didn't you, Adrian?

Nice meeting you, Adrian.

They're brilliant.

- Have a good day. - And you.

Come on.

Take Dobson's suicide, sir.

We are told Dobson came to take his own life, perhaps,

when he understood his girlfriend was pregnant.

Indeed, I hope you get so involved that the mutual damage will be permanent.

Part of me hopes you'!! have a chi! d. I'm a great believer in time's revenge.

(Typewriter pings)

What are you reading?

Zweig. So you've worked your way right through the alphabet, have you?

Can't be anyone left after him.

Are you married, I take it?

Not married.

Never?

Mysterious to a fault.

I'm divorced, by the way. In case you were wondering.

I wasn't, but...

- ...I'm sorry to hear that. - On the contrary.

Very happi! y so. Best decision we ever undertook.

In fact, she, Margaret,

recently accused me of having built a shrine to you, no less.

The shop. When I told her that it was you who gave me my first Leica.

And what did you say?

(Tony) Ah...

(Woman) Hi, Tony.

Those two are... in my daughter's NCT group.

- Lesbians, pregnant lesbians. - Good God.

Whatever will they all think of next?

My daughter's 36, by the way.

Apart from coming off the rails somewhat

and deciding to have a child on her own,

she works in PR.

Whatever that may mean. (He chuckles)

Ah...

Thanks for the tea, Tony. I have to leave. I have an appointment.

Are you...? Did I say...?

No, finish your cake.

Is it because I've been banging on about myself? I don't mean to.

No.

The other day, after we'd met, I went to the pub. I met Adrian.

Adrian and you were very important to me.

All I can say is that abhorrent letter of mine

was the expression of a moment.

It was deeply shocking for me to read after all these years.

- Do we real! y need to do this? - If I may, though...

I'm not expecting you to hand over Adrian's diary any more.

!f you've burnt it, that's the end of it. And if not,

as it was written by the father of your son, it belongs to you.

Enough.

I-I can only imagine how difficult it's been for you.

No, you cannot imagine.

No. Right. Yes.

Whoops.

(Laughter)

(Man) Careful.

Go and sit over there, guys.

Is that everyone?

Adrian, are you OK?

It's that man again.

- The man from the... - OK.

(Indistinct)

- Yeah, that one over there. - Right.

The one with the bad beard?

I'll be right back.

Hello.

Is there something I can help you with?

- Do you want a chip? - No, I'm fine.

On the menu, it says they're "fat cut, hand cut".

What it really means is they're fat cut. They've not been cut by hand at all.

Look. Don't take this the wrong way but...

I'll do my best.

I think, for whatever reason,

one of the people I look after

is a little uncomfortable with you being here. Again.

Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to upset anyone. I'll leave.

If you don't mind, can I ask who you are?

- Tony Webster. - Ben.

- Do you mind if I sit down, Tony? - No, of course.

I was an old friend of Adrian's father.

I've recent! y become reacquainted with his mother.

Oh. You'll understand, then.

She and I were at university together.

Really? You don't look old enough to have been at uni with Adrian's mum.

You're too kind. I was rather hoping to bump into her here. But...

- Wait, sorry. Bump into who? - Veronica. Adrian's mother.

Um...

I can't discuss our clients' histories. It's a matter of confidentiality.

Yeah, of course.

If you are a friend of the family, what you're saying doesn't make any sense.

Veronica is Adrian's sister.

Their mother, Sarah, passed away six months ago.

- How did he seem? - Cheerful.

Happy. Like himself...

Only more so.

As we said goodbye, he told me he was in love.

You won't let Veronica get away with too much, wi!! you?

Sorry?

Don't let her get away with too much.

Are we OK?

They seem very happy, the five of them.

- You obviously do a good job. - We try our best.

Good luck to you all.

I'm gonna head back to the group.

(Phone rings)

P! ease leave a message after the beep.

Hi Margaret, it's me again. Yeah, this is it.

I think this is definite! y it. Where are you?

- Te!! me about your day. - My day?

Yeah. What you did.

Hmm. OK. I went to Highgate

to see a woman I'd had a relationship with when I was an undergraduate.

We've recently become reacquainted.

But she wasn't there.

- Wasn't where? - At home.

- So, what were you doing there? - I went to see her.

- But she wasn't there. - No.

I waited around a bit, outside, and at the station.

So, you're stalking her? You're her stalker.

- No. - Yes, you are.

Not at a!!, no. No, moving on, but we broke up is the point.

While we were still at university.

Not long after she formed a relationship with my best friend.

And I wrote them both a very nasty letter.

And recently, I've been working under the assumption

they'd had a child together

shortly before my best friend committed suicide.

But now it appears that the mother of that child

wasn't my ex-girlfriend but it was her mother.

And I can only assume that it was my...

horrible letter that in some way pushed the friend...

(Knocking at door, door opens)

Hello again, Tony. Emma.

Oh, hi, Emma.

- How are we doing? - Oh, I'd say holding up, just about.

I'll just check baby's head.

No, no, no. Dad, stay.

Just for a bit.

You can hold my hand.

(Regu! ar beeping)

What's going on?

- I don't know what's going on. - Everything's fine.

- Dad, why isn't anyone saying anything? - Everything's absolutely fine.

We're nearly there, I promise you.

Susie, you have a baby. Congratulations.

Why isn't he crying?

He's not crying.

- Can you see anything? - He's fine.

Why isn't he crying?

Excuse me, my daughter's asking, why isn't her son crying?

- (Baby cries) - (Susie) Ohh.

- (He laughs) - (Susie) Oh, Dad.

So proud of you.

- (Baby cries) - I want to see him.

- (Tony) Ah. - (Nurse) Here's your Mum.

There he is.

- It's very hot. - Thank you.

You don't have to stay here, you know.

I want to.

Susie said you dealt with everything very impressively.

I'm not an entire! y redundant member of this family yet.

- I've never said you were. - Haven't you?

Where are you going?

- I'm gonna give you some space. - Fine. But...

You may be interested to know... You probably won't...

I was planning on making an apology to you.

For being insensitive. For being a bore. For being monumental pain in the arse.

Maybe it's too little too late, but I hope not.

I know technically we're not supposed

to make pronouncements of this nature any more but...

You and Susie are the two most important people in my life.

Divorced. Married. Makes no difference.

Well. There you are.

Despite what you might think...

...I assure you, I'm trying.

What's wrong with your watch?

It's stopped.

(He chuckles softly)

Come on, baby.

(They laugh)

Get you home.

- (Baby cries) - You're leaving hospital.

(Tony) How often do we tell our own life story?

How often do we adjust, embellish, make sly cuts?

The longer life goes on,

the fewer are those around to tell us our life is not our life.

! t is just a story we've told about our lives.

A story about our! ives told to others,

but mainly to ourselves.

Oh, hello. How are you?

- What? - Are you well?

- Fine. - Want a coffee?

Er... Yeah.

Thank you.

Could you sign here, please?

(Device beeps)

Thank you.

Great. Thank you.

- Thank you. - Thank you.

(He chuckles)

(Tony) I've been turning over in my mind

a question of nostalgia and whether I suffer from it.

I suppose I am nostalgic.

I think of my time with Margaret and Susie's birth and her first years.

A bunch of kids in school.

A girl dancing for once in her life.

(She squeals)

A secret horizontal gesture beneath a sunlit wisteria.

I think of Adrian's definition of history.

I think of everything that has happened in my life.

And how little I have allowed to happen.

l, who neither won nor lost.

Who avoided being hurt and called it a capacity for survival.

I think of how our lives got entwined and went along together for a time.

And when I look back now, on that time, however brief...

...I am moved more than I thought possible.

Indeed, I'm sorry that I have known nothing of your life in the years since.

No doubt you could have taught this old fool a thing or two.

Perhaps, in a way, you have.

(Knocking at door)

Hello.

- Surprise. - Lovely surprise.

Hello, Joshua.

- Say hello to the Mudge. - He!! o, Mudge.

No, you're the Mudge.

Mum and I decided on account of your being a curmudgeon.

(Tony laughs)

- How are you? - Good.

- The NCT group send their love to you. - Oh, that's nice.

We had a lovely lunch, comparing the damage done to our bodies.

- Vaginas and all. - Joshua, cover your ears.

(Tony) You're a special young man.

(Soundtrack drowns speach)