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1
00:00:01,750 --> 00:00:05,750
♪♪
2
00:00:05,750 --> 00:00:06,920
Hey!
3
00:00:08,040 --> 00:00:09,540
Great show.
4
00:00:09,540 --> 00:00:12,080
Dan?
5
00:00:12,080 --> 00:00:13,750
W-What are you
doing here?
6
00:00:13,750 --> 00:00:15,420
I've never seen you
perform.
7
00:00:15,420 --> 00:00:17,330
And you were only
212 miles away,
8
00:00:17,330 --> 00:00:19,960
so I thought I'd swing by.
9
00:00:19,960 --> 00:00:21,080
These are for you.
10
00:00:21,080 --> 00:00:23,380
[ Chuckles ]
11
00:00:23,380 --> 00:00:25,460
Why do they have nacho cheese
on them?
12
00:00:27,040 --> 00:00:30,120
A-A-And they
smell like beer.
13
00:00:30,120 --> 00:00:33,620
After I saw you
kissing the keyboard player...
14
00:00:33,620 --> 00:00:35,540
I threw them
in the trash.
15
00:00:35,540 --> 00:00:37,210
But then I fished them out
'cause, damn it,
16
00:00:37,210 --> 00:00:39,380
I came here
to tell you something,
17
00:00:39,380 --> 00:00:42,580
and maybe it's too late,
but I'm gonna tell you anyway.
18
00:00:42,580 --> 00:00:44,000
I'm ready.
19
00:00:46,880 --> 00:00:48,540
Oh.
20
00:00:48,540 --> 00:00:49,670
You're ready.
21
00:00:49,670 --> 00:00:52,040
Yeah, I thought about
what you said,
22
00:00:52,040 --> 00:00:54,380
and I want
a full-on relationship, too.
23
00:00:54,380 --> 00:00:56,120
So, what,
24
00:00:56,120 --> 00:00:58,330
I'm just supposed to forget
about this last year,
25
00:00:58,330 --> 00:00:59,960
when you've been
stringing me along,
26
00:00:59,960 --> 00:01:01,920
and now you're ready?
27
00:01:01,920 --> 00:01:04,750
So I just jump on your bike
and we ride away?
28
00:01:04,750 --> 00:01:08,960
Well, I'm a little saddle sore
from riding for three hours.
29
00:01:08,960 --> 00:01:10,750
Maybe we could hit it fresh
tomorrow?
30
00:01:12,170 --> 00:01:13,040
[ Sighs ]
31
00:01:13,040 --> 00:01:14,380
I'm sorry, Dan.
32
00:01:14,380 --> 00:01:16,290
Oh, come on.
33
00:01:16,290 --> 00:01:18,080
Come on, you gotta still feel
something for me.
34
00:01:19,540 --> 00:01:21,000
It's too late.
35
00:01:21,000 --> 00:01:22,120
I moved on.
36
00:01:25,000 --> 00:01:26,880
Guess you'll
want these back.
37
00:01:28,790 --> 00:01:30,000
No, you can keep 'em.
38
00:01:32,000 --> 00:01:33,460
Please don't make me.
39
00:01:35,710 --> 00:01:37,040
There's a Band-Aid
in here.
40
00:01:42,500 --> 00:01:50,880
♪♪
41
00:01:50,880 --> 00:01:59,250
♪♪
42
00:01:59,250 --> 00:02:07,710
♪♪
43
00:02:07,710 --> 00:02:14,250
♪♪
44
00:02:16,080 --> 00:02:17,920
"The Conners" is recorded
45
00:02:17,920 --> 00:02:20,250
in front of
a live studio audience.
46
00:02:20,250 --> 00:02:23,040
Okay, okay, I haven't slept
in a couple days.
47
00:02:23,040 --> 00:02:25,080
Uh, tell me
I'm not hallucinating.
48
00:02:25,080 --> 00:02:27,920
That is a man
racing a bear
49
00:02:27,920 --> 00:02:30,580
on an obstacle course,
right?
50
00:02:30,580 --> 00:02:32,380
Yeah, yeah.
51
00:02:32,380 --> 00:02:34,920
It's a show called
"Man vs. Bear."
52
00:02:34,920 --> 00:02:37,250
And they --
they do tug of war,
53
00:02:37,250 --> 00:02:40,880
they roll barrels up hills,
climb trees.
54
00:02:40,880 --> 00:02:43,670
Doesn't the bear win
most of the time?
55
00:02:43,670 --> 00:02:46,670
Oh, the bear wins every time.
It's a bear.
56
00:02:46,670 --> 00:02:48,330
I don't think
the guy's got a chance
57
00:02:48,330 --> 00:02:52,080
unless they introduce Sudoku
or driving a car.
58
00:02:52,080 --> 00:02:54,540
I think circus bears
can drive cars.
59
00:02:54,540 --> 00:02:55,920
You can learn anything
60
00:02:55,920 --> 00:02:57,540
if your food supply
depends on it.
61
00:02:57,540 --> 00:02:58,830
[ Laughs ]
62
00:02:58,830 --> 00:03:02,210
What are you guys doing?
It's 1:00 in the morning.
63
00:03:02,210 --> 00:03:04,120
Beverly Rose is teething,
and she won't sleep.
[ Sighs ]
64
00:03:04,120 --> 00:03:06,830
And you were snoring,
so I came downstairs.
65
00:03:06,830 --> 00:03:07,920
I don't snore.
66
00:03:07,920 --> 00:03:09,540
Oh.
67
00:03:09,540 --> 00:03:11,790
Well, then, somebody was
trimming trees in the bedroom.
68
00:03:11,790 --> 00:03:13,750
Let me take her
for a bit.
69
00:03:13,750 --> 00:03:15,040
Thanks.
Ooh.
70
00:03:15,040 --> 00:03:17,210
Trust me, Darlene.
You snore.
71
00:03:17,210 --> 00:03:18,500
When we shared a room,
72
00:03:18,500 --> 00:03:22,250
I used to put my old
makeup sponges in your mouth.
73
00:03:22,250 --> 00:03:24,500
That's okay.
I used to use your toothbrush.
74
00:03:24,500 --> 00:03:25,750
So?
75
00:03:25,750 --> 00:03:27,080
To clean the turtle bowl.
76
00:03:28,290 --> 00:03:30,540
[ Laughs ]
77
00:03:30,540 --> 00:03:31,960
Why didn't you wake me up?
78
00:03:31,960 --> 00:03:33,380
I tried.
79
00:03:33,380 --> 00:03:35,210
I nudged you. I shook you.
I pinched you.
80
00:03:35,210 --> 00:03:36,790
I even splashed water
on you.
81
00:03:36,790 --> 00:03:39,620
Oh, that explains
a very weird dream I was having.
82
00:03:39,620 --> 00:03:41,670
I was wrestling
with a sea otter,
83
00:03:41,670 --> 00:03:43,670
and then he threw his martini
in my face.
84
00:03:46,330 --> 00:03:48,330
"Woman vs. Otter"!
85
00:03:48,330 --> 00:03:50,290
That could be a show!
86
00:03:50,290 --> 00:03:52,120
Yes! [ Laughs ]
87
00:03:52,120 --> 00:03:53,670
And I know where
to get an otter.
88
00:03:53,670 --> 00:03:55,920
All I need is a distraction
and a big towel.
89
00:03:55,920 --> 00:03:57,670
[ Both laughing ]
90
00:04:02,830 --> 00:04:04,330
Okay.
91
00:04:04,330 --> 00:04:06,540
Okay, I-I-I'll put
a couple pillows under my head
92
00:04:06,540 --> 00:04:07,620
so I don't snore.
93
00:04:07,620 --> 00:04:09,000
Now come back to bed.
94
00:04:09,000 --> 00:04:12,000
Oh, just a few more minutes,
'cause in the last round,
95
00:04:12,000 --> 00:04:13,920
they each have to
give a cat a bath.
96
00:04:15,330 --> 00:04:17,500
This is why
we're not getting pregnant --
97
00:04:17,500 --> 00:04:20,040
'cause your sperm's too stupid
to find my egg.
98
00:04:22,380 --> 00:04:24,380
Ben!
99
00:04:24,380 --> 00:04:25,830
Ben, Ben!
100
00:04:25,830 --> 00:04:27,580
They're about to put the salmon
down in front of them
101
00:04:27,580 --> 00:04:29,250
for the fish-eating contest.
102
00:04:29,250 --> 00:04:30,790
I think the man
really has a chance here --
103
00:04:30,790 --> 00:04:32,170
[ Bear growls ]
Bear won.
104
00:04:32,170 --> 00:04:34,540
Yep.
[ Chuckles ]
105
00:04:34,540 --> 00:04:39,830
♪♪
106
00:04:39,830 --> 00:04:41,620
Last call.
Nuh-unh!
107
00:04:43,920 --> 00:04:47,000
It's only 2:00 in the morning.
Last call's not till 4:00.
108
00:04:47,000 --> 00:04:48,170
It's last call for you.
109
00:04:49,750 --> 00:04:53,790
Fine. I'll take three beers
and three more shots.
110
00:04:53,790 --> 00:04:56,580
You get one beer
and one shot.
111
00:04:56,580 --> 00:04:59,500
And maybe you should call your
wife so she can pick you up.
112
00:04:59,500 --> 00:05:01,120
I'm just staying
at the hotel next door,
113
00:05:01,120 --> 00:05:02,290
and my wife's dead.
114
00:05:02,290 --> 00:05:03,290
[ Clears throat ]
115
00:05:03,290 --> 00:05:04,920
You didn't kill her,
did you?
116
00:05:06,380 --> 00:05:07,710
No!
117
00:05:07,710 --> 00:05:10,710
I'm sorry. We're right off
the expressway. We gotta ask.
118
00:05:12,960 --> 00:05:14,380
Can I get a beer, please?
119
00:05:15,420 --> 00:05:17,500
Hey!
120
00:05:17,500 --> 00:05:19,540
You're with the band,
aren't ya?
121
00:05:19,540 --> 00:05:20,710
Yeah.
122
00:05:20,710 --> 00:05:22,170
What'd you think
of the show?
123
00:05:22,170 --> 00:05:23,920
I love Louise.
124
00:05:24,960 --> 00:05:26,620
She is the lead singer.
125
00:05:26,620 --> 00:05:29,380
Nobody ever loves
the keyboard player.
126
00:05:29,380 --> 00:05:32,460
Seems like somebody's
loving the keyboard player.
127
00:05:32,460 --> 00:05:34,290
I saw Louise kissing you.
128
00:05:34,290 --> 00:05:36,620
And I gotta be honest
with you --
129
00:05:36,620 --> 00:05:38,420
it really bothered me.
130
00:05:38,420 --> 00:05:40,670
Oh,
you're one of those guys.
131
00:05:40,670 --> 00:05:41,960
I know.
132
00:05:41,960 --> 00:05:44,290
It looks like
she's singing directly to you,
133
00:05:44,290 --> 00:05:46,170
but she's just trying
to remember the words.
134
00:05:48,710 --> 00:05:50,710
It's not
what you're thinking.
135
00:05:50,710 --> 00:05:52,540
This is us.
136
00:05:52,540 --> 00:05:55,710
We dated a little
back in Lanford.
137
00:05:55,710 --> 00:05:59,000
Yeah, I didn't have the guts
to commit.
138
00:05:59,000 --> 00:06:01,670
And then I gave her
cheese flowers
139
00:06:01,670 --> 00:06:04,540
and really
messed things up.
140
00:06:04,540 --> 00:06:06,620
Cheese flowers?
141
00:06:06,620 --> 00:06:09,460
Is that something, like,
that another guy could catch?
142
00:06:10,710 --> 00:06:11,960
No, nothing like that.
143
00:06:11,960 --> 00:06:13,920
Look...
144
00:06:13,920 --> 00:06:15,920
I just want her back.
145
00:06:17,880 --> 00:06:18,960
Do you love her?
146
00:06:20,290 --> 00:06:22,080
I don't know...
147
00:06:22,080 --> 00:06:24,330
drunk guy.
148
00:06:24,330 --> 00:06:26,080
We've been friends
for a long time,
149
00:06:26,080 --> 00:06:28,330
and this just happened,
and, uh...
150
00:06:28,330 --> 00:06:29,580
it's got
nothing to do with you.
151
00:06:29,580 --> 00:06:32,040
Okay! Okay!
152
00:06:32,040 --> 00:06:34,580
I get it.
Backing off.
153
00:06:34,580 --> 00:06:36,500
Beep, beep, beep.
154
00:06:37,960 --> 00:06:40,040
Oh, do me a favor,
will ya?
155
00:06:40,040 --> 00:06:41,880
The next time you see her,
156
00:06:41,880 --> 00:06:45,580
tell her that
Dan's not afraid to say it.
157
00:06:45,580 --> 00:06:47,000
"I love you."
158
00:06:47,000 --> 00:06:50,080
But her, not you.
159
00:06:50,080 --> 00:06:51,920
I-I love her, not you.
160
00:06:53,040 --> 00:06:54,710
[ Grumbles ]
161
00:06:54,710 --> 00:06:58,500
It's you talking,
but it's me saying it.
162
00:06:58,500 --> 00:07:00,040
You'll do that for me,
right?
163
00:07:00,040 --> 00:07:01,290
No.
164
00:07:02,500 --> 00:07:04,380
Aw, come on!
165
00:07:04,380 --> 00:07:05,500
What's your name?
166
00:07:05,500 --> 00:07:06,250
Zach.
167
00:07:06,250 --> 00:07:09,620
Zach,
I'd do it for you.
168
00:07:09,620 --> 00:07:10,920
Watch.
169
00:07:10,920 --> 00:07:12,540
Marla.
170
00:07:12,540 --> 00:07:14,540
Zach loves you.
171
00:07:14,540 --> 00:07:19,000
Yeah, after midnight,
everybody loves me.
172
00:07:19,000 --> 00:07:21,080
Good luck to you,
buddy.
173
00:07:21,080 --> 00:07:22,460
Oh, thanks!
174
00:07:22,460 --> 00:07:24,250
Oh! Oh!
175
00:07:24,250 --> 00:07:26,460
Oh, I feel like you and I
176
00:07:26,460 --> 00:07:29,330
have made
a little connection here.
177
00:07:29,330 --> 00:07:32,420
It may be the beer talking,
but I think I love you, too.
178
00:07:32,420 --> 00:07:34,080
[ Chuckles ]
179
00:07:37,420 --> 00:07:38,960
♪♪
180
00:07:38,960 --> 00:07:40,500
What are
all the pills for?
181
00:07:40,500 --> 00:07:43,920
They're vitamins to increase
my odds of getting pregnant.
182
00:07:43,920 --> 00:07:46,040
So, you're actually
trying now?
183
00:07:46,040 --> 00:07:48,420
You know,
the world has enough kids.
184
00:07:48,420 --> 00:07:50,210
The Earth can barely sustain
what we've got.
185
00:07:50,210 --> 00:07:52,330
What the hell, woman?
186
00:07:52,330 --> 00:07:55,380
Ben and I want to have
a baby together,
187
00:07:55,380 --> 00:07:57,000
and it's gonna be
a really small one,
188
00:07:57,000 --> 00:08:00,830
so it's not gonna use up
a lot of resources.
189
00:08:00,830 --> 00:08:03,080
And we'll recycle it
when we're done.
190
00:08:04,210 --> 00:08:05,750
You're being
really selfish.
191
00:08:05,750 --> 00:08:08,040
Lay off, Harris!
192
00:08:08,040 --> 00:08:10,670
I'm just saying.
Adopt one, don't drop one.
193
00:08:12,710 --> 00:08:14,250
Look, I'm 43.
194
00:08:14,250 --> 00:08:16,000
I don't even know
if I can have a baby, okay?
195
00:08:16,000 --> 00:08:17,210
Get off my back.
196
00:08:19,080 --> 00:08:21,420
Your old people sex
is destroying the Earth!
197
00:08:23,620 --> 00:08:26,330
We're not gonna be here
that long, so we don't care!
198
00:08:28,330 --> 00:08:30,120
Hey, you gotta get dressed
for the meeting.
199
00:08:30,120 --> 00:08:32,250
We're gonna be late.
We gotta leave like right now.
200
00:08:32,250 --> 00:08:34,500
I am sorry.
I went to bed way too late.
201
00:08:34,500 --> 00:08:36,420
Beverly Rose fell asleep
in my arms.
202
00:08:36,420 --> 00:08:38,170
I didn't want to move
and wake her up.
203
00:08:38,170 --> 00:08:40,080
Well, you could have
given her to Becky.
204
00:08:40,080 --> 00:08:42,210
Oh, I didn't mind.
Becky needed a break.
205
00:08:42,210 --> 00:08:43,830
You go on ahead.
I'll meet you there.
206
00:08:43,830 --> 00:08:45,420
But, hey, don't forget
I am coming with you
207
00:08:45,420 --> 00:08:47,170
to your doctor's appointment
afterwards.
208
00:08:47,170 --> 00:08:49,380
You don't need to go to that.
I'll fill you in later.
209
00:08:49,380 --> 00:08:51,250
Just don't be late
for the meeting.
210
00:08:51,250 --> 00:08:53,040
We need this guy's
advertising dollars.
211
00:08:53,040 --> 00:08:54,750
Well, hey, it --
it is an adult bookstore,
212
00:08:54,750 --> 00:08:56,670
so if you get there before I do,
just talk about
213
00:08:56,670 --> 00:08:58,290
what a shame it is
people don't read anymore.
214
00:09:00,120 --> 00:09:02,670
There's something wrong with
the hot water in the house,
215
00:09:02,670 --> 00:09:04,000
and I need a shower real bad
216
00:09:04,000 --> 00:09:05,920
because Beverly Rose
threw up in my hair,
217
00:09:05,920 --> 00:09:07,620
and I tried running it
and running it,
218
00:09:07,620 --> 00:09:09,040
and no hot water
came out.
219
00:09:09,040 --> 00:09:10,920
And if I don't get a shower
and some sleep,
220
00:09:10,920 --> 00:09:12,000
I'm gonna eat the baby.
221
00:09:13,540 --> 00:09:15,920
Nobody is eating
any babies.
222
00:09:15,920 --> 00:09:17,500
It is probably just
the pilot light.
223
00:09:17,500 --> 00:09:19,120
I'll check it.
224
00:09:19,120 --> 00:09:20,920
[ Sighs ]
225
00:09:22,500 --> 00:09:24,000
[ Grunts ]
226
00:09:24,000 --> 00:09:25,620
Yeah.
It's the pilot light.
227
00:09:25,620 --> 00:09:27,250
This'll just
take a second.
228
00:09:27,250 --> 00:09:30,710
Now, we just turn this,
hold the button down,
229
00:09:30,710 --> 00:09:32,170
and...it's out.
230
00:09:32,170 --> 00:09:33,290
[ Sighs ]
Alright.
231
00:09:33,290 --> 00:09:35,670
So, uh...
232
00:09:35,670 --> 00:09:37,620
it's a little more complicated
than I thought.
233
00:09:37,620 --> 00:09:39,380
Uh, but as soon as I get back
from the meeting with Darlene,
234
00:09:39,380 --> 00:09:40,380
I'll fix it.
235
00:09:40,380 --> 00:09:42,790
You said
you could fix this!
236
00:09:42,790 --> 00:09:44,540
Were you just talking
out of your ass,
237
00:09:44,540 --> 00:09:47,000
like all men do?!
238
00:09:47,000 --> 00:09:48,670
[ Crying ]
I just want a shower!
239
00:09:48,670 --> 00:09:52,750
I just want my hair to smell
like pretty apples again!
240
00:09:52,750 --> 00:09:54,250
Okay, okay!
241
00:09:54,250 --> 00:09:57,210
Maybe I can try and fix it
right now, okay?
242
00:09:57,210 --> 00:09:59,420
Could just be
a clogged burner.
243
00:09:59,420 --> 00:10:02,500
So, I'm just gonna
reach in there...
244
00:10:02,500 --> 00:10:04,170
[ Grunts ]
245
00:10:04,170 --> 00:10:05,830
Wow.
246
00:10:05,830 --> 00:10:07,290
Well, that came out
way too easy.
247
00:10:07,290 --> 00:10:09,540
[ Crying loudly ]
248
00:10:14,830 --> 00:10:17,460
Hey, rom-com!
249
00:10:17,460 --> 00:10:19,580
I heard you rode
all the way to Springfield
250
00:10:19,580 --> 00:10:21,830
to tell Louise
you couldn't live without her.
251
00:10:21,830 --> 00:10:23,460
Did you catch her
at the airport
252
00:10:23,460 --> 00:10:26,460
before she flew to Paris
to marry the wrong guy?
253
00:10:26,460 --> 00:10:28,880
Why are you screaming?
254
00:10:28,880 --> 00:10:30,830
Oh, a little hung over
255
00:10:30,830 --> 00:10:32,540
from all the celebrating,
are we?
256
00:10:32,540 --> 00:10:34,620
Well, I guess some people
can't hold a case of beer
257
00:10:34,620 --> 00:10:36,080
like they used to.
258
00:10:36,080 --> 00:10:39,460
Actually, I got drunk
with Louise's new boyfriend.
259
00:10:39,460 --> 00:10:41,250
Oh!
260
00:10:41,250 --> 00:10:43,750
Dan, let me tell you something
from personal experience --
261
00:10:43,750 --> 00:10:45,830
thrupples don't work.
262
00:10:45,830 --> 00:10:47,500
No thrupples.
263
00:10:47,500 --> 00:10:49,040
No couples.
264
00:10:49,040 --> 00:10:50,540
No nothing.
265
00:10:50,540 --> 00:10:51,790
She moved on.
266
00:10:51,790 --> 00:10:53,620
Oh, man!
267
00:10:53,620 --> 00:10:55,500
I'm sorry. Dan!
268
00:10:55,500 --> 00:10:57,380
I told her
I was ready to commit.
269
00:10:57,380 --> 00:10:59,960
She was tired of waiting.
270
00:10:59,960 --> 00:11:02,380
I'm never gonna meet
anyone like her again.
271
00:11:02,380 --> 00:11:04,880
Okay, look, you got
your heart broken.
272
00:11:04,880 --> 00:11:06,250
That sucks.
273
00:11:06,250 --> 00:11:08,500
But if nothing else,
274
00:11:08,500 --> 00:11:11,420
you learned that you're ready to
let somebody in your life now.
275
00:11:11,420 --> 00:11:12,880
Maybe it won't be somebody
like her.
276
00:11:12,880 --> 00:11:14,210
Maybe it'll be somebody
277
00:11:14,210 --> 00:11:16,540
a little more, you know,
your speed.
278
00:11:16,540 --> 00:11:19,540
Like a lady ranch hand
279
00:11:19,540 --> 00:11:21,120
or...
280
00:11:21,120 --> 00:11:22,960
baggage handler.
281
00:11:22,960 --> 00:11:25,920
I'm not looking for somebody
to help me move a couch.
282
00:11:25,920 --> 00:11:27,380
Okay, I'm just saying
283
00:11:27,380 --> 00:11:29,460
now that you're open
to all the possibilities,
284
00:11:29,460 --> 00:11:30,830
you're gonna
find somebody.
285
00:11:30,830 --> 00:11:32,250
[ Sighs ]
286
00:11:32,250 --> 00:11:33,960
Jackie, you've been open
to all the possibilities
287
00:11:33,960 --> 00:11:35,210
for 40 years.
288
00:11:35,210 --> 00:11:36,170
How's that working out
for you?
289
00:11:36,170 --> 00:11:38,170
We're not talking
about me!
290
00:11:38,170 --> 00:11:40,000
I'm out of
my freakin' mind!
291
00:11:40,000 --> 00:11:43,670
I wouldn't know the first thing
about meeting someone.
292
00:11:43,670 --> 00:11:45,420
Hmm. Interesting.
293
00:11:45,420 --> 00:11:48,790
As Lanford's former
leading life coach,
294
00:11:48,790 --> 00:11:51,460
I'd say the fact that
you're grabbing a beer...
[ Bottle cap pops ]
295
00:11:51,460 --> 00:11:53,000
...when we're talking
about relationships
296
00:11:53,000 --> 00:11:55,120
is very significant.
297
00:11:55,120 --> 00:11:56,540
Oh, please!
298
00:11:56,540 --> 00:11:59,120
It's hops and barley.
They're grains.
299
00:11:59,120 --> 00:12:00,750
You put them in a bowl,
you're a health nut.
300
00:12:00,750 --> 00:12:02,000
You put them in a bottle,
301
00:12:02,000 --> 00:12:04,580
you're running away
from your feelings.
302
00:12:04,580 --> 00:12:08,000
Look, I know that
it can be intimidating,
303
00:12:08,000 --> 00:12:10,250
but there's a lot
of women waiting to
meet somebody like you,
304
00:12:10,250 --> 00:12:11,830
and we're all looking
for the same thing --
305
00:12:11,830 --> 00:12:13,580
somebody
who doesn't play games,
306
00:12:13,580 --> 00:12:16,170
somebody who's
emotionally available,
307
00:12:16,170 --> 00:12:19,000
and most especially,
308
00:12:19,000 --> 00:12:22,170
somebody who doesn't wear
a wedding ring.
309
00:12:23,920 --> 00:12:25,120
I don't know
if I can do that.
310
00:12:25,120 --> 00:12:26,540
[ Sighs ]
311
00:12:26,540 --> 00:12:28,540
Dan,
taking off the ring --
312
00:12:28,540 --> 00:12:32,620
it's not gonna erase
all the wonderful memories
313
00:12:32,620 --> 00:12:34,710
that you had
with Roseanne.
314
00:12:36,500 --> 00:12:41,500
Your age and drinking history's
gonna do that.
315
00:12:41,500 --> 00:12:42,670
[ Laughing ]
316
00:12:45,250 --> 00:12:48,710
♪♪
317
00:12:51,500 --> 00:12:53,790
Where's Ben?
I don't know.
I'm watching Mark.
318
00:12:53,790 --> 00:12:54,790
Well, where's Mark?
319
00:12:54,790 --> 00:12:56,290
I have no idea.
320
00:12:58,000 --> 00:13:00,080
Could be with Ben.
321
00:13:00,080 --> 00:13:02,920
Can you believe
that Ben missed a meeting
322
00:13:02,920 --> 00:13:04,420
that he knew was important
323
00:13:04,420 --> 00:13:06,620
because he had to fix
the water heater?
324
00:13:06,620 --> 00:13:08,710
I'm so fed up with him.
325
00:13:08,710 --> 00:13:11,040
He spends more time
with Becky and her damn baby
326
00:13:11,040 --> 00:13:13,290
than he does getting
our stupid magazine set up.
327
00:13:13,290 --> 00:13:15,040
I know
we've gone over this,
328
00:13:15,040 --> 00:13:17,040
and I think this is
one of those times
329
00:13:17,040 --> 00:13:18,670
where I'm just
supposed to listen.
330
00:13:20,500 --> 00:13:21,750
Do you know where Ben is?
331
00:13:21,750 --> 00:13:22,580
In the basement.
332
00:13:22,580 --> 00:13:24,210
With Becky?
333
00:13:24,210 --> 00:13:26,380
Yeah. She blew up her life,
so that's where she lives now.
334
00:13:32,880 --> 00:13:34,290
Hey, you're home.
335
00:13:34,290 --> 00:13:35,710
You got my texts, right?
336
00:13:35,710 --> 00:13:37,540
Yeah, I got 'em.
337
00:13:37,540 --> 00:13:39,670
Well, I was waiting for you
to text me back.
338
00:13:39,670 --> 00:13:42,210
Well, I was a little busy
trying to woo a porn merchant.
339
00:13:42,210 --> 00:13:44,250
Can I talk to you for a sec?
In private?
340
00:13:44,250 --> 00:13:45,670
Sure.
[ Sighs ]
341
00:13:45,670 --> 00:13:46,830
Hey, I'm sorry
I missed the meet--
342
00:13:46,830 --> 00:13:48,380
Not yet.
I'll get to you in a minute.
343
00:13:51,210 --> 00:13:53,290
Don't be mad at Ben.
344
00:13:53,290 --> 00:13:55,210
I was falling apart
and had throw-up in my hair,
345
00:13:55,210 --> 00:13:56,920
and he really
came to my rescue.
346
00:13:56,920 --> 00:13:58,960
Oh, yeah,
I'll bet he did.
347
00:13:58,960 --> 00:14:00,420
What is that
supposed to mean?
348
00:14:00,420 --> 00:14:02,000
It means
you're watching TV with Ben
349
00:14:02,000 --> 00:14:03,500
in the middle of the night,
350
00:14:03,500 --> 00:14:05,380
then suddenly,
Ben can't make it to a meeting
351
00:14:05,380 --> 00:14:07,420
because you have
to take a shower.
352
00:14:07,420 --> 00:14:09,210
And then I come downstairs,
and you're brushing your hair
353
00:14:09,210 --> 00:14:11,170
like a mermaid
in front of him.
354
00:14:11,170 --> 00:14:13,080
[ Tab pops ]
355
00:14:13,080 --> 00:14:14,290
What are you
talking about?
356
00:14:14,290 --> 00:14:16,210
You don't have a guy
in your life,
357
00:14:16,210 --> 00:14:17,460
so you're trying
to steal mine.
358
00:14:19,620 --> 00:14:21,710
You are
out of your damn mind.
359
00:14:21,710 --> 00:14:23,000
Ben helped me out
a little bit
360
00:14:23,000 --> 00:14:24,620
because I was having trouble
with the baby
361
00:14:24,620 --> 00:14:25,920
and I needed to shower.
362
00:14:25,920 --> 00:14:26,920
That's it!
363
00:14:26,920 --> 00:14:28,170
Is it?
364
00:14:28,170 --> 00:14:30,040
Because Emilio's
stuck in Mexico,
365
00:14:30,040 --> 00:14:32,790
and you don't have anybody
to "fix your hot water heater."
366
00:14:34,000 --> 00:14:37,000
Did you give Ben a little peek
before you went in the shower?
367
00:14:38,460 --> 00:14:39,670
It's a good thing
I got some sleep,
368
00:14:39,670 --> 00:14:41,380
because if I hadn't,
369
00:14:41,380 --> 00:14:42,960
I'd knock your tiny ass
across the room.
370
00:14:42,960 --> 00:14:45,330
Whoa.
What is going on?
371
00:14:45,330 --> 00:14:47,380
You want a baby?
Becky's got a baby.
372
00:14:47,380 --> 00:14:49,040
You'll make
a beautiful family.
373
00:14:49,040 --> 00:14:50,710
You two
can populate the world
374
00:14:50,710 --> 00:14:53,120
with a bunch of Aryan-looking
giant Viking children.
375
00:14:55,830 --> 00:14:59,210
Everybody's a giant to you,
you nasty little munchkin!
376
00:14:59,210 --> 00:15:01,500
Oh, I hope
there's still hot water,
377
00:15:01,500 --> 00:15:03,170
[Mockingly] "because
I've got puke in my hair,
378
00:15:03,170 --> 00:15:05,710
and if I don't take
a hot shower, I'll die!"
379
00:15:12,500 --> 00:15:14,460
[ Door opens, closes ]
380
00:15:14,460 --> 00:15:15,670
[ Lock clicks ]
381
00:15:15,670 --> 00:15:16,920
[ Sighs ]
382
00:15:16,920 --> 00:15:19,120
Please let me in.
383
00:15:19,120 --> 00:15:20,330
No.
384
00:15:20,330 --> 00:15:21,920
Talk to me!
385
00:15:21,920 --> 00:15:23,330
I want to understand
386
00:15:23,330 --> 00:15:25,670
why you think I want
giant babies with Becky.
387
00:15:25,670 --> 00:15:27,830
I...
388
00:15:27,830 --> 00:15:31,960
I want tiny, psychotic babies
with you.
389
00:15:31,960 --> 00:15:33,710
[ Lock clicks ]
390
00:15:37,120 --> 00:15:38,880
[ Sighs ]
391
00:15:38,880 --> 00:15:40,710
Tell me what's going on,
Darlene.
392
00:15:42,120 --> 00:15:43,670
I get why
you're attracted to her.
393
00:15:43,670 --> 00:15:45,120
[ Laughing ] What?!
394
00:15:45,120 --> 00:15:47,500
Yeah, you --
you love the baby.
395
00:15:47,500 --> 00:15:49,790
You love Becky's
middle-aged, fertile womb,
396
00:15:49,790 --> 00:15:51,830
and you want
to have a family.
397
00:15:51,830 --> 00:15:53,620
Yeah,
I want to have a family.
398
00:15:53,620 --> 00:15:54,830
With you.
399
00:15:54,830 --> 00:15:56,170
Well, maybe I can't.
400
00:15:56,170 --> 00:15:57,540
[ Scoffs ]
401
00:15:57,540 --> 00:16:01,210
Look, we haven't even been
trying that long!
402
00:16:01,210 --> 00:16:03,000
Okay? You just
gotta be positive.
403
00:16:03,000 --> 00:16:06,000
Oh, fine. I'll just change
my entire personality.
404
00:16:08,620 --> 00:16:09,920
Oh, look at that.
405
00:16:09,920 --> 00:16:12,710
The sun'll come out tomorrow,
and, bam, I'm pregnant!
406
00:16:12,710 --> 00:16:14,580
[ Scoffs ]
407
00:16:14,580 --> 00:16:16,460
[ Sighs ]
408
00:16:16,460 --> 00:16:18,210
Did something happen
at the doctor?
409
00:16:19,540 --> 00:16:22,420
I had an infection a while ago,
and apparently,
410
00:16:22,420 --> 00:16:25,380
it left a bunch of scarring
in one of my fallopian tubes.
411
00:16:25,380 --> 00:16:26,790
Okay.
412
00:16:26,790 --> 00:16:28,380
So, what does that mean?
413
00:16:28,380 --> 00:16:30,830
The doctor said
that getting pregnant
414
00:16:30,830 --> 00:16:32,880
is gonna be a long shot.
415
00:16:32,880 --> 00:16:36,080
She said maybe with in vitro,
but we can't afford that.
416
00:16:36,080 --> 00:16:38,460
And even if we could find a way
to get all that money,
417
00:16:38,460 --> 00:16:40,380
she said
there's no guarantees.
418
00:16:40,380 --> 00:16:44,330
Well, hey,
even if we don't have a baby,
419
00:16:44,330 --> 00:16:45,750
we're gonna be fine.
420
00:16:45,750 --> 00:16:47,080
Yeah, for a while.
421
00:16:47,080 --> 00:16:48,670
And then in a year or two,
422
00:16:48,670 --> 00:16:50,210
you're still gonna want
a family.
423
00:16:50,210 --> 00:16:51,830
You're gonna find somebody
who can have a baby,
424
00:16:51,830 --> 00:16:52,960
and you're gonna
leave me.
425
00:16:52,960 --> 00:16:55,830
I am gonna prove you wrong
426
00:16:55,830 --> 00:16:58,540
by being with you
for the rest of your life.
427
00:16:58,540 --> 00:17:03,000
And so, when you're old
and on your death bed,
428
00:17:03,000 --> 00:17:06,750
I'm gonna gently hold your face
and I'm gonna say,
429
00:17:06,750 --> 00:17:08,880
"Betcha feel
like an idiot now."
430
00:17:13,330 --> 00:17:15,170
It's not just that,
though.
431
00:17:15,170 --> 00:17:16,460
There's something else,
432
00:17:16,460 --> 00:17:18,170
and I'm pretty sure
it's your fault.
433
00:17:19,710 --> 00:17:21,120
I know.
434
00:17:21,120 --> 00:17:22,420
[ Sighs ]
435
00:17:22,420 --> 00:17:23,580
Why?
436
00:17:26,620 --> 00:17:29,670
Because I wasn't even sure
that I wanted a baby,
437
00:17:29,670 --> 00:17:32,880
and then you started this,
and now I want one.
438
00:17:32,880 --> 00:17:34,620
[ Sighs ]
Okay?
I really want one.
439
00:17:34,620 --> 00:17:36,540
Oh, come here.
440
00:17:39,080 --> 00:17:41,210
[ Sighs ]
441
00:17:41,210 --> 00:17:43,960
Look, the doctor said
it's still possible, right?
442
00:17:44,920 --> 00:17:47,710
Okay, so...
443
00:17:47,710 --> 00:17:50,460
we're just gonna have to have
a lot more sex.
444
00:17:51,880 --> 00:17:54,750
And, uh, you know,
then afterwards,
445
00:17:54,750 --> 00:17:57,080
we'll have to hang you
upside down from the ceiling,
446
00:17:57,080 --> 00:17:59,420
like a bat,
to increase our chances.
447
00:18:01,500 --> 00:18:04,000
You just want the change
that'll fall out of my pockets.
448
00:18:05,750 --> 00:18:08,330
Well, I assumed you'd be naked
at that point, but whatever.
449
00:18:11,620 --> 00:18:13,120
Mm.
450
00:18:13,120 --> 00:18:16,670
I feel bad. I unloaded all
my emotional baggage on Becky.
451
00:18:16,670 --> 00:18:19,170
[ Scoffs ] How do you think
I feel as her new husband?
452
00:18:20,790 --> 00:18:22,880
♪♪
453
00:18:22,880 --> 00:18:26,420
[ Indistinct talking
on television ]
454
00:18:26,420 --> 00:18:28,460
I can take that bear.
455
00:18:30,170 --> 00:18:32,250
[ Knock on door ]
456
00:18:34,290 --> 00:18:35,330
[ TV shuts off ]
457
00:18:35,330 --> 00:18:36,460
[ Knock on door ]
458
00:18:36,460 --> 00:18:38,000
If you're drunk,
this isn't your house!
459
00:18:41,040 --> 00:18:42,460
What the hell
is wrong with you?!
460
00:18:42,460 --> 00:18:44,710
You see me kissing a guy,
461
00:18:44,710 --> 00:18:47,460
and that's who you use
to tell me you love me?
462
00:18:47,460 --> 00:18:51,960
I can see why you like him.
He's real easy to talk to.
463
00:18:51,960 --> 00:18:54,420
This is so high school.
464
00:18:54,420 --> 00:18:56,460
You might as well
pass me a note saying
465
00:18:56,460 --> 00:18:58,710
"Do you like Dan?
Check yes or no."
466
00:18:58,710 --> 00:19:00,830
Well, the last time
I did anything like this,
467
00:19:00,830 --> 00:19:01,960
I was in high school!
468
00:19:01,960 --> 00:19:03,580
Well, you're a man now.
469
00:19:03,580 --> 00:19:06,000
And I just drove
212 miles.
470
00:19:06,000 --> 00:19:07,460
Tell me to my face!
471
00:19:08,670 --> 00:19:09,790
I love you.
472
00:19:11,040 --> 00:19:13,500
Well, it's no good
if I tell you to say it.
473
00:19:14,880 --> 00:19:16,120
I don't know
how to do this.
474
00:19:16,120 --> 00:19:17,880
I'm no good
at any of this stuff.
475
00:19:17,880 --> 00:19:19,830
I'm no good
at expressing myself.
476
00:19:19,830 --> 00:19:22,000
[ Groans ]
477
00:19:22,000 --> 00:19:24,290
This was so much easier
with Zach.
478
00:19:26,210 --> 00:19:27,670
What happened
to your ring?
479
00:19:27,670 --> 00:19:28,960
[ Groans ]
480
00:19:30,580 --> 00:19:31,960
I took it off.
481
00:19:33,960 --> 00:19:36,120
That must have been
hard.
482
00:19:37,580 --> 00:19:38,960
It was time.
483
00:19:44,670 --> 00:19:46,620
Well...
484
00:19:46,620 --> 00:19:48,960
you know, um...
485
00:19:48,960 --> 00:19:51,460
with that ring off,
486
00:19:51,460 --> 00:19:54,620
lots of women
are gonna be coming after ya.
487
00:19:54,620 --> 00:19:56,330
Including you?
488
00:19:56,330 --> 00:19:58,290
Well...
489
00:19:58,290 --> 00:19:59,330
maybe.
490
00:20:00,790 --> 00:20:03,500
You had your chance.
491
00:20:03,500 --> 00:20:06,710
I would like to see
what else is out there.
492
00:20:06,710 --> 00:20:08,080
[ Scoffs ]
493
00:20:08,080 --> 00:20:10,420
Have you been to
a high school reunion lately?
494
00:20:14,750 --> 00:20:17,080
♪♪
495
00:20:20,380 --> 00:20:21,710
♪♪
496
00:20:21,710 --> 00:20:24,380
I'm going to the refrigerator
to get some juice.
497
00:20:24,380 --> 00:20:26,580
Doesn't mean I'm trying
to have sex with Ben.
498
00:20:28,080 --> 00:20:29,750
I know.
499
00:20:29,750 --> 00:20:32,380
I went a little crazy
and said some terrible things.
500
00:20:32,380 --> 00:20:34,330
That is why
I made you waffles.
501
00:20:34,330 --> 00:20:36,000
Ohh!
502
00:20:36,000 --> 00:20:37,960
But you really
hurt my feelings.
503
00:20:37,960 --> 00:20:40,790
Can I at least get
some whipped cream on this?
504
00:20:40,790 --> 00:20:42,920
I didn't try to kill you.
I just called you a whore.
505
00:20:42,920 --> 00:20:44,290
You can get up
and get it yourself.
506
00:20:47,170 --> 00:20:49,120
[ Sighs ]
507
00:20:49,120 --> 00:20:52,790
Hey, your doctor told you
you couldn't have a baby,
508
00:20:52,790 --> 00:20:54,380
and he was wrong.
509
00:20:54,380 --> 00:20:55,880
I mean, they make mistakes
all the time, right?
510
00:20:55,880 --> 00:20:57,290
Of course!
511
00:20:57,290 --> 00:20:58,830
All the time!
512
00:20:58,830 --> 00:21:01,790
Besides, having another baby
is gonna ruin your life,
513
00:21:01,790 --> 00:21:03,500
so it's definitely
gonna happen.
514
00:21:04,750 --> 00:21:06,170
You know
what worked for me?
515
00:21:06,170 --> 00:21:08,750
Drunk sex
in a walk-in freezer.
516
00:21:08,750 --> 00:21:10,500
You guys
might want to try that.
517
00:21:10,500 --> 00:21:13,210
And if that doesn't work,
it's probably Ben,
518
00:21:13,210 --> 00:21:15,420
so go to Mexico
and have sex with Emilio.
519
00:21:16,620 --> 00:21:17,710
Well, you heard her.
520
00:21:17,710 --> 00:21:19,210
If we're serious
about the baby,
521
00:21:19,210 --> 00:21:20,830
you have to go have sex
with Emilio.
522
00:21:20,830 --> 00:21:22,420
Hey, he's smokin' hot.
523
00:21:22,420 --> 00:21:23,960
I'm packing my bags
right now.
36364
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