All language subtitles for Queen.the.Lot.2010.WEBRip.x264-iNTENSO

Oh my gosh,
another one's starting.

♪ You wish upon a star

♪ Makes no difference
who you are ♪

♪ 'Cause Margie Chizek's
going to be a star ♪

Oh, sweetie.

Norma Shearer,
she's queen of the lot.

I'm gonna be queen of the lot
like Norma Shearer.

Queen of the lot,
that's right sweetie.

Fiery redhead
comedienne action star,

Maggie Chase, famous for her
high octane Red Wrecker series,

was arrested Saturday on her
second offense of drunk driving

in two weeks.

While known for
her action flicks,

it looks like the only thing
Maggie will be kicking

is herself while she's under
house arrest.

Lucky for her,
she won't be alone.

Her current beau,
the sizzling Dov Lambert,

is taking a break before
starting his next blockbuster,

slated to begin production...

...just after Christmas.

We'll keep you up to date
on both stars

as the stories roll in.

It may be
one of the biggest risks

facing the U.S. Housing Market.

One in four Americans now...

Kaz?

It's Margie.

Hi.

Listen, can I come stay
with you guys for a little bit?

There's photographers here,
they're outside all the time.

Please can I just
stay with you guys?

I...

Okay, I'm gonna
come tomorrow, okay?

Just a couple of days.

Are you sure Caeser won't care?

Okay.

Love you.

The queen arrives.

Look at you.

- Hey.
- Oh, God.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

I'm so happy to see you guys.

Welcome.

Oh, my God.
I can't believe that I'm...

Oh forget it, you're home.

I want you to know this is
the happiest time in my life.

Look at me.
This is yours, remember that.

Are you proud of yourself?

- Huh?
- Home sweet home.

You should be the
proudest girl in the world.

You know what
you've accomplished?

It's a new you,
that's what it is.

- Okay?
- Thank You.

You don't know how much
this means to me.

And this is your house,
your home.

Go out and take a look
like you used to.

- Go ahead, go ahead.
- Okay.

So Maggie,
it's a great place right?

Oh yeah,
look at the view.

Yeah.

Now you know we had to give you
a special chance to do this.

Mm-hm.

- Hi!
- Hi.

My name is Crowley.

I'm Ms. Chase's
personal assistant.

- This is Caesar.
- Hi.

Get some of this beauty,
infuse it into your spirit.

Take it to another level.

I'm not gonna do what
I did last time, you know.

I can't... I can't mess up again.
It's just too much.

Yeah, no.

And you know, you're too good
to be wearing that stupid thing.

You know, I don't want it
to be beeping,

so I have to come and slug you.

- I'm scared.
- It's alright.

- That's a good thing.
- Is that normal?

It's very normal.

We have her on a herbal
regime for the sobriety.

- No drinking?
- No drinking.

What kind of herbs?

Um, it's a green powder drink.

It has a lot of
different vitamins and...

Raw hemp?

You know, I'm not sure.

Hemp is the best
protein powder you can get.

You can handle it. Come on,
you're on screen, you're on...

doing all of that stuff.

But don't get caught up
into the Hollywood hype.

It's not the Hollywood hype
that scares me,

it's like being in the kitchen
and eating dinner

that scares me, you know?

It's the little stuff in life
that freaks me out.

Wow, that's heavy.

- That's heavy.
- It's true.

Listen, don't let that thing
go off, ever.

- You be good.
- I will.

- I will.
- Be good.

Bye.

- Hi.
- Hi.

- I'm Maggie.
- Sit down,

- I want you to meet Gio.
- Gio.

- Nice to meet you.
- And this is Hildi.

- Hi Hildi.
- Hi. How are you?

These people,
sweetheart, are here for you.

Everybody.

Isn't... aren't you
the acting teacher?

Mm-hm.

Well, she's not just
an acting teacher, sweetheart.

She's a life coach.

I've seen you backstage
every single week.

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

You're supposed to be
really scary.

What do you think?

I think you'd call her
a little intimidating.

- What about Gio?
- Alright?

And you're the one
who's been cleaning up

- all of my messes.
- Oh, he's the best.

- And I keep making 'em.
- I do my best.

He's got
relations with the public.

- You know what that means?
- No.

He cleans up everybody's life.

Lunch is served.

Can you pass me
the Pellegrino?

We have something important
to talk about.

I have a boyfriend now,
his name's Dov Lambert.

Uh huh.
A great actor by the way.

Congratulations.

Oh, he's a great actor,
this guy, great actor.

When he wants to come
stay here, is that okay?

He's gonna stay here,
that's fine.

Isn't this man still...
isn't Dov still married?

Oh no, no,
this is a terrific guy.

He's in my card game
every Tuesday.

- Is he?
- He's in your card game?

Isn't that okay if Dov
stays here

for just a couple of nights?

I feel so lonely being away
from my house, and him...

Just for a couple of nights.

Why wouldn't you mention
if a guy like Dov...

- I don't...
- ...is in your card game?

Why wouldn't you say something
about it?

Cause it's my card game,
it's my life, that's why.

- Would you stop?
- Oh, bullshit.

So I wanted to know if it's okay
if I move into the main bedroom?

Just for this month.

I mean, I'm used to having
a lot of space,

and if you guys wouldn't mind,

then I'd be willing to pay
your mortgage for you.

For this month.

And you guys can sleep
in the guest house.

- Great. Perfect for me.
- What?

The guest house. We're going
to sleep in the guest house.

Okay?
You don't understand?

There's such a thing
as generosity...

- We'll be delighted to do that.
- Well, wait a second.

You guys are so nice to me.

What do you want?

Right now,
or in general?

What do you want,
there's only right now.

Like, what?

Shush,
just think about it.

There's only the present
moment right now.

You want to know
how to get happy?

- Yeah.
- You see that?

You stay in the moment,
right now.

- Right now?
- Right now!

- That's the stuff...
- Okay.

Where are you right now?

Yum Yum Donuts.

- Yum Yum Donuts?
- Yeah.

That's what you think of
this moment right now?

It's the first thing
that came to my mind.

Alright, when did you
have that feeling?

When did you experience
Yum Yum Donuts?

When I was living here
in North Hollywood.

Okay.

Were you happy then?

- Yes.
- Yes!

So when you get depressed,
when you get scared,

when you want to take a drink,

when you get really afraid,

you go to the Yum Yum Donuts.

Isn't it absolutely
breathtaking?

I used to dream of having
a place just like this

all to myself
when I first came up here.

And now it's mine
for a little bit.

Wouldn't you like to have
a place like this for us?

Why would I want
a place like this,

when I have my own place?

Why do you have to leave
and go to another game tonight?

'Cause there's donkeys there,
fish, degenerates.

What are fish and donkeys?

Fish and donkeys are losers,

people that give
their money away.

I think I'm going gray
from all my stress.

Why do they call them
fish and donkeys?

People that give their
money away are called fish.

That's why you go to a game.

They're idiots, the people
just show up to play the game.

They don't know how to play.

They're like masochists.

You know people that just like...

they make a bunch of money
and they want to lose.

- They're just losers.
- George Cuhort said

that they should
just let her go.

That she wasn't too big,
that she could never be too big,

and the only way
to get her to act

is just to let her do more,
do too much.

That's what they call it,
doing too much.

- What are you talking about?
- Norma Shearer.

If I was Norma Shearer,

then people would be
letting me do too much

in Red Wrecker movies,
like they say I'll always do.

You know what
I love about you?

What?

You think things that I've
never even thought of before.

Things I'll probably
never even think of.

- What?
- Really.

It's like you think of things,

that my mind was
supposed to think of,

but I'm waiting for your mind
to think about.

We're like two people in this
universe who are meant to...

I don't know,
complete the synapses

of each other's thoughts.

Your brain and my brain
make one whole brain.

Do me a favor,
don't ever leave me okay?

I don't know if I could think
without you.

I am really going gray.
This is unbelievable.

Quit picking at your hair.

I got a race,
100 dollar race.

Five of hearts, seven of hearts,
two of diamonds, two of clubs.

Hold on.

I want to thank you for
letting me stay at your place.

I hope I'm not being a...
you know...

A pain?

Staying above...
'cause Maggie really,

I mean, you know, she didn't
want to stay at my place, so.

It's an honor, it's an honor.

By the way, I happen to be
a big fan of yours.

I like your work, very much.

- Thanks a lot.
- Very much.

You know she feels
comfortable up there.

She said that...

you discovered her, or whatever.

Hey, listen, who's turn is it?
What's going on?

It's not whatever,
we did discover her.

It's not a whatever.

You know, I know your father
from back in the day.

You knew my father
back in the day?

Absolutely.

Yes. Are we playing or not?

Are we playing? Come on.

Uh, of course
I'm gonna pay you.

Of course I'm gonna pay you.

You know, are you crazy?
Have I ever not paid?

Have I ever welshed
on a bet ever?

Do you know me to
ever welsh on a bet?

What, do you want me to bring
$50,000 in cash to a game?

Yeah.

You know,
it's 3:30 in the morning,

I can't have this conversation
with you right now.

Look, I'm starting another film

in like, I don't know,
three weeks.

And I'll be able to get you
your money, alright?

Alright, alright sweetie. Stay.

Yes?

Yes it is.

Hi, my name's Aaron Lambert.
I'm looking for my brother, Dov.

Come in, come in.
Okay, man. It's freezing.

I'm looking for my brother,
Dov Lambert, is he here?

I got to go,
there's someone at the door.

Who is it?

Aaron?

What the...

Jesus.

Hey, I'm sorry.
I didn't mean to interrupt.

What are you doing here?

I didn't mean
to disturb you or anything.

How did you find me here?
No, no, no, no.

This... this is my younger
brother, this is Aaron.

Hi, it's so nice to meet you.

Aaron, Maggie.
And Maggie, Aaron.

This is the love of my life.

I've heard so much about you.

You look great.
You wanna take your jacket off?

You want to sit down?

Actually, can I borrow him
for a minute?

I promise I'll bring him
right back.

- I'll be right back.
- Nice to meet you.

- You too.
- Closed, yeah?

What the hell
are you doing here?

Dorothy left me.

What?

She split, she left.

She said she can't take
my bruiting anymore,

she said I'm depressive.

She said I was born with
a silver spoon in my mouth,

and now that the spoon is gone,
I choke reality.

I choke reality.

And she was tired of it,
and she...

split.

That's the bottom line,
she left.

But the good news is,

Dad is pulling out
his glory project.

Finally finalized
after eight or nine years

with the Lubitsch estate,
it's green lit apparently.

- No.
- When I get a call from him,

and I try and tell him that
my life is falling apart,

and it's really all shit,

all he can think of is saying
is, "Where's your brother?

Where's your brother?
Where's your Goddamn brother?"

What do you think he wants?

I think he wants you,
you dumb fuck.

I think you're a big fucking
star now, as weird as that it.

And I think he needs you.

Well, he also invited me to stay
for the whole weekend.

He's gonna tell everybody
in the family

some big important announcement.

And he wants you there.

Do you want to stay here?

- No.
- No, you can stay here.

- No thank you.
- No, it's Maggie's...

It's her manager's place.
It's the weirdest place,

but there's all kinds
of rooms everywhere.

You could stay here.

I'm gonna talk to them.
You stay here.

I mean, come on, it's five in
the morning, you can stay here.

Spend the night here.

Maybe tonight I'll sack out
on the couch or something.

It doesn't matter,
you can stay,

there's rooms everywhere.

Will you settle down
and go to sleep?

Oh, I think I just ripped,
something's bothering me.

I can't sleep.

- Go to sleep.
- Close your eyes, take it.

- Go to sleep, Jesus Christ.
- Alright.

Okay.

Alright.

Okay, alright.

Here they are.

- Well, that looks pretty good.
- How many do you like?

Um...

- That much.
- That's great.

You really didn't have
to make me breakfast.

Oh, I love it,
are you kidding me?

That wife, that wife, that...

What the fuck is his name again?
We used his house.

- Who, Barry?
- Barry, that's right.

Barry's wife,
she's such a bitch.

We work in a basement there,

we have a card game
in the basement.

Shes got crap hanging
all over the place,

she doesn't want us there.

- Ketchup, no?
- No.

- Olives?
- Again, no thank you.

- Roll?
- Yes, thank you.

- Toast, butter?
- You gonna join me,

or you just gonna hover over me
and offer me all sorts...

I don't really eat, so...

- You don't really eat?
- No.

- That's one that I...
- So play, okay.

But don't gamble money,
real money. Okay?

What do you want me
to play for, carrots?

- I want you to just back off.
- Money, you play for money.

Listen to me.
Back off, the money is no more.

So when you play,
just take it easy.

You can call me Margie.

Margie Chizek, that's my name.

They renamed me Maggie, 'cause
it sounds better for action.

Aaron Lambert,
nice to meet you, Margie Chizek.

Actually, it's Aaron Lefkowitz

if you go back
four generations, so...

- Really?
- Yeah.

I like Lefkowitz a lot.

When you make
scrambled eggs,

do you remove them
from the shell?

Yes, I do.
I don't cook. I don't cook...

- You're kidding.
- You don't like 'em?

- No, I love 'em.
- You don't like 'em.

- I love 'em.
- Oh, my God.

That's great.

My aunts cooked
and my grandma cooked.

I used to stay overnight
at my grandma's farm in Iowa,

and we'd come home from church,
and in the morning

she'd make...
she'd boil this huge pot of,

you know, homemade hot dogs.

And then she'd cut them open and
put them face down on a bun...

- For breakfast?
- ...with margarine.

Yeah, oh it's the best thing
in the world.

- Hot dogs for breakfast?
- Yeah, after church.

Best thing you've ever tasted.
It's amazing.

What did you eat for breakfast?

I had the uh,
same thing for breakfast.

I had two eggs over easy
with rye toast

and potatoes, and all
served to me on a little...

Rattan tray by Mai Lin
every morning.

Really?

Eight o'clock,
she would wake me up.

Stopped when I was
eight years old,

when my father thought
I was old enough

to come and sit
at the family table

and be criticized
like everybody else.

You'd have to sit there,

and you'd have to give
an account for your day,

what you did,
what you were going to do,

what the value
of doing that was,

you had to make it interesting,
you had to make it funny.

It was like going to a
morning pitch meeting

with your brothers, and sisters,
and parents, yeah.

- And I was shitty at it, so...
- Why?

I was shitty at it...

Well, because there were
better people at the table

getting attention than I was,
like my brother.

And it's a win in that scenario.

Somebody else had to lose.

And I...

And you never knew whether
it was a good thing to win,

or a bad thing to win,

'cause the power dynamic
was always shifting and...

It was much easier
staying in bed

and having Mai Lin
bring me my breakfast.

- I would stay in bed too.
- Yep.

I had to fight
for this assignment,

which is not unusual,
but it's very strange

because I actually feel
like I discovered you.

Three years ago, I came out here
to interview Robin Mack,

and where is he now?
You know, Kaz got me in there,

but you were the one that
became the center of the article

and here you are.

You know I have
a million questions,

but most of them lead to
that gadget on your ankle.

- When does it come off?
- Next week.

You've been getting yourself
in a little bit of trouble

and I really don't know why.

That's not the Maggie Chase
we all knew and loved early on.

What's going on?

A little too much of this,
a little too much of that.

Trouble with the law.
Isn't that a bit of a cliche?

You know,
I really see a correlation

between you and Betty Davis.

So, with your latest legal
woes and problems,

I wouldn't worry about it
one little bit.

Betty had the same problems
at Warner Brothers.

She was sipping the sauce too.

One DUI arrest is problematic,
two is kind of comical,

if it happens
in the short period

that it's happened
for you, but...

There's not going
to be a third time.

How did it happen twice?

You have been famously,

romantically linked to
Dov Lambert for quite a while.

Dov Lambert,
of Hollywood royalty.

Isn't he already married to the
dangerously sexy Shaelynn Roth?

What's ahead for you
and Dov Lambert?

What about your relationship
with Dov?

Don't you think getting
involved with a married man,

who's already
an established star,

which is a very high profile
thing to do,

is gonna kind of throw you off
your career path a little bit?

I've seen recently
that the press

has decided to be really tough.

Has it been hard for you?

Honestly, don't write this down.

It's been absolutely amazing.

It's unbelievable how you get
no coverage on anything

until you do something
really bad.

I mean getting a DUI is like the
best thing that I've ever done,

because now all of a sudden
I'm in the magazines.

Before, nobody ever even
wanted to talk about me.

Don't write that note,
you know why?

Because you write the note,
you forget about it later.

You're gonna have
that down there

and you're gonna
do the wrong thing.

With all respect,

I've been working for her
for three years,

please don't tell
me how to do my job.

With all respect,
I set all of this up.

I mean how else are you supposed
to get in front of people?

- Absolutely.
- Right?

I mean Betty Davis
had to have done that too.

She had to, she had to.

I want you to breathe
right into there.

Good. Keep breathing.

Where are you holding on?

Breathe into where
you're holding on.

Good.

Let it come out!

Let it come out!

When I drink alcohol, I feel
so much better about myself

and I can just say the things
that I feel.

I push things down so much
and people don't think I'm shy,

but really I'm shy.

And I think everybody
hates me most the time,

and then, you know, it just
gives me a chance to be angry.

I really like being angry.

You like being angry?

I don't know,
when I've had six martinis

I feel really angry
and I, you know,

say really mean things and
I turn into a child of Satan.

- Oh.
- Mm-hm.

The only thing that matters,

and I'm telling you this
from experience, okay?

Is whether the addiction
conquers you, or you conquer it.

For me, it's the opiates.

Anything that
just quiets my nerves.

I was born this way,
I'm wound up.

Everybody thinks I'm on cocaine,
I've never done coke in my life.

That's just who I am.

That's my chemical makeup,
that's what I got.

And there's something
about Vicodin and Oxycontin

and Darvocet,
codeine, you name it.

That stuff is like candy to me.

It's like... It's too good.
It's too, too good.

And so it controlled me
for a long time.

I'm sorry, I'm getting
way too personal here.

This is
the most uncomfortable

I've ever been
in my entire life.

Oh it's wonderful, I love it.

Why do we have to
be on our couch like this?

We don't have to be,
we want to be.

- I'm cursed.
- No, 12% that's why we're here.

- Oh, God.
- Don't forget it.

Excuse me,

the court has allowed us to have
Maggie's substance abuse meeting

here tomorrow.

I just want to let you know.

About two o'clock.

That's the cash flow sweetheart,
that's what makes you sleep.

Okay, and no more gambling.

You can't do it anymore,
it's over with.

- I know.
- I'm telling you.

Okay, that's enough.

What those um...

What those people
are teaching you,

it's a bunch of bullshit.

What are
you talking about?

Do you want to...

Do you want to do
some serious work?

Do you want to realize the
potential of you're being?

Alright then.

I've got something for you.

What is that?

What are you doing?

I am under house arrest,
that is gonna screw me over.

If I get second hand smoke
or anything,

they're gonna detect it
in my urine.

This is exactly what
I'm talking about.

What is the matter with you,
huh?

You pull back from life.

I mean that's all
you're gonna get.

You're gonna get a bunch
of stupid ass comedies.

That's all you'll ever be,
a comedy actress,

if you can't go
beneath the surface.

Are you afraid to go
beneath the surface?

I'm not afraid to go
beneath the surface.

Why are you so afraid?

Alcohol is so old school,
it doesn't do anything.

It brings you down. This baby,
this will bring you up.

Alright, this will bring you up.

This will teach you things
that you need to know about me.

Really, it'll teach you things

that you need to know
about love,

and yourself.

I mean, come on.

Get out of their heads,
get into your own head.

Have an experience.

Do you want to go on
a journey with me?

- Huh, do you really want to?
- Yeah, of course I want to.

I just can't, I can't.

Baby, I really wish you
wouldn't smoke that around me.

- Baby.
- What?

I have so much love for you.

Whoa.

Welcome everyone to
Dependency Busters.

We have a couple of
newbies here today with us.

We've got Saul,
we've got Maggie.

And thank you all so much for
coming to this location today.

I mean I have to thank Kaz
and Caesar for providing this,

and also for Maggie.

Maggie would you like
to explain to the group,

maybe why that they've
had to come here today?

And give a little
thank you, hello.

Uh, hi.

Um, hi.

Um, I guess you have
to come here

'cause of my ankle bracelet.

It sets off an alarm anytime
I go out of the house.

So, I can't leave here and um,

I got it from two DUIs in a row.

Okay, and just for
the newbies here,

let's explain a little bit.

Addiction has really
become a household word.

I mean we talk about
drugs, alcohol, Toblerone,

surfing the net, all under
the frame of addiction.

But addiction is
something that happens

in the mesolimbic
system of the brain.

Scientists refer to it as
a reinforcement center.

And when you do
something to reward it,

it says,
"Hey, great job, high five."

And it gives you a little bit
of a neurotransmitter

called dopamine.

High five, right?

And there's a difference
between addiction and craving.

A craving, when it
becomes a negative thing,

something you crave
and can't live without.

Changes to what?

De...

...pendency.

Exactly.

So what we do
when you do that, we...?

- Bust it.
- Bust it, thank you.

Alright, now... Shall we?

Let's begin.

- Let's all introduce ourselves.
- I'll start, I'm Edie.

Hi, Edie.

Food, drinking, men,
spending too much money,

that's all my area.

Alright, let's go over.

I'm Irene and I'm a...
sex addict.

At least that's
what they tell me.

My name is Saul
and I have to say,

I'm here under duress.

My friend, Irene,
prompted me to come here.

I'm not an addict of any kind,

and if I was,

the pseudopsychological stuff,
it sounds...

I'm sorry,
I don't want to offend you,

but it sounds nonsensical to me.

But, she does have a very
forceful effect on me,

and I've agreed to come here
and listen to this stuff.

I don't know that I personally
want to, you know,

have a casual looky loo
sitting in when I'm, you know,

spilling my guts.

Alright, alright,
alright, alright.

Well I have a compulsion

to intrude on other people's
privacy.

It's a compulsion,

I just have to know everything
about everybody and uh...

I work for these
wonderful people,

and I found out
everything about them.

I don't do this for any
kind of devious reasons,

I'm not a blackmailer
or anything.

I just...

I think my addiction is the
thrill of keeping secrets.

I'm sorry, I don't feel
that I was dealt with.

I said I didn't know how I felt
about having this man here,

who doesn't really
want to be here,

and I was talking,
and I mean,

- he's doing his introduction.
- Well...

Did you ever feel that way?
Not really committed yet?

I mean, don't you remember
that stage?

Do you remember that
stage for you at all?

But he says that he
doesn't even have a problem.

- I'd like to explain this.
- I mean, why is he here?

- Let me explain.
- Yeah,

I don't like him
being here either.

I think what's important here...

I mean it's bad enough
we're in a new place,

and I feel upset.

- This is good.
- That's alright.

You know, I feel
like we've lost our cohesion.

He's bringing up the fears

and the feeling you have
before you make a bad choice.

What?

So this is a part of the group.

Maybe he's addicted
to not being addicted,

and that's an addiction.

And then he belongs here,
because he's addicted too.

What do you think about that?

I want you to take your
breath in from the third eye.

Look at me.

Put your hands here, and put
your thumbs in your navel.

Make a V.

Exactly like a pyramid, exactly.

That's your second chakra.

This is your place of
creativity and power.

This is where your power is.

Power.

Yes, this
will allow you the power

that no matter what is going on,
you will be in control.

I have Irritable
Bowel Syndrome.

- Are you happy?
- Am I happy?

- Are you happy?
- How could I not be happy?

Look how beautiful you are.

Aw.

I'm so amazed, you
have the most beautiful smile.

You have the most
beautiful smile.

- What are you guys doing?
- Nothing.

- What do you mean nothing?
- Well I mean,

we've got business
we've got to take care of.

- Business with Caesar?
- Yeah.

- Well, not really with...
- Really?

I'll be back in a...

But listen, we're going to
my dad's house this weekend.

Friday, and we're gonna
leave at five o'clock, okay?

We're going to
my family's house.

- Your mom and dad's?
- I'll be back in an hour.

Wait, what I'm
supposed to wear?

No, don't... No, no, no.

- You have stuff to wear.
- You're going away.

I'll be back in an hour
or two, alright?

- No.
- Okay, have a nice night.

I got to go.

Most importantly...

Ah shit, hold on a second.

Hold on a second.

Yes? Hello, hello?

- Hello.
- Hi.

- May I join you?
- Listen to this.

"Maggie Chase is a tall thing
with a bushel of red hair,

a wide toothy mouth,
and a second avenue schnoz."

- Richard von Busak.
- I don't think that that's true.

Can you hold one second,
I'm just on with the accountant.

Larry, can you hold on a second?
I'm on the other phone.

Just hold on.

"It's hard to pity
Maggie Chase's nasal,

pushy, babyish character
who is memorizing,

if only because
she is so damaged,

so repellent,
so inhumanly bizarre."

Tasha Robinson, The A.V. Club.

Dave, are you listening to me?
Hold on Larry.

Now listen, I'm on the phone
with Larry, Dave.

"Maggie Chase is hands down
the most irritating performance

of the year."

Ty Burb, Boston Globe.

Not a blog,
the Goddamn Boston Globe.

"The most irritating
performance of the year."

And you're reading this why?

Because I'm checking
my Google points.

What is a Google point?

Google points is
how many points turn up,

how many numbers turn up
in the right hand corner

when you hit Google.

Www.google.com and then
you put your name in.

So I'm Googling "Maggie Chase",
and it only comes up...

Well it comes up with
47,683 Google points,

which is more than my hometown,
which is 41,632, which is good.

- That sounds...
- Yeah, but you want to know...

You want to know how many
Angelina Jolie has?

One million...

No, 37,483,000 Google points.

Larry, I'm not talking to you,
I'm talking to Dave.

That right, Dave,
I'm talking to you.

Larry, please hold on
while I talk to Dave.

Dave, listen to me,
I'm on the phone with Larry...

I'm on the phone
with Dave, Larry.

I would be frightened
to Google myself.

Let's Google you.
Let's Google you.

- No, no, no, no.
- Wait, wait.

Don't, don't, don't Google me.

- Aaron.
- Don't, don't.

- Lambert.
- Don't, don't. I...

Okay, okay.
That's good, that's good.

I don't need to read
bad reviews,

I don't need to see how...

You had 587.

- Are we playing or not?
- We playing? Come on.

- It's to him.
- No, it's to you.

- He already put his money in.
- Yes, I'm in.

Okay.

- Check.
- Check.

- What?
- Yeah.

Well look, $2,000.

Ah, you got to be kidding.

I never kid.

I think this a very
dangerous contraption.

I mean, who needs
a digital reservoir

of all their shortcomings
and bad reviews?

That's why I have a father.

Why?

To remind me of all my
shortcomings and bad reviews.

Actually, I got
pretty good reviews.

The one time I was published,

it was very well
received by the critics,

and very poorly
received by the public.

Except my father took
an option out on the book

to have it made it into a movie.

And I was gonna
write the script.

And then,
after the book came out,

it met with such
dismal public approval,

that my father
canceled the option,

decided not to make the movie,
and fired me off my own book.

I think we sold 502 copies,
and I bought maybe 501 of them.

You know how good you are,
right?

You know what your potential is.

You know the things that
you probably should be doing,

or want to be doing.

You don't?

You have no goals in life?
No direction?

Of course I have
goals and direction.

Google points.

- That's my goal.
- That's your goal?

Angelina Jolie status.

Do you think
Angelina Jolie feels it

each and every time
somebody Googles her?

No, she doesn't have to check.

Do you feel it whenever
anybody Googles you?

Yeah, 'cause I check it
every morning.

- But do you feel it?
- Yeah, I feel it.

- And what does it make you feel?
- Validated.

Validated, really?

You need somebody else to type
in your name, anonymously,

in order to feel
good about yourself?

- Yes.
- That's crazy.

Why?

Why, because you're
pinning your happiness

and your self esteem
on the approval

and validation of strangers.

Look, it's not a choice.
I don't ask to be like this.

It's like being straight or gay,
I just...

want to be famous.

Did you feel that?

- Yeah.
- That's real, right?

That's the real validation of
one human being to another.

That is me validating you,
Maggie Margie,

as a person, as an actress.

Don't open that.

Do not.
You know what I'm gonna do?

You are on
restrictive probation.

You are not allowed to
Google yourself for a week.

Can you go a week without
Googling yourself?

You haven't, you never have?

This is gonna be
a great experiment.

Can you go seven days,

starting right now,
without Googling yourself?

I could go without
checking my Google points

if you kept kissing me everyday,

'cause that felt like at least
5,000 Google points.

You kiss me
for nine days straight.

Yeah, that's probably
not gonna happen.

That's the house.

Wow.

I'll go park the car.

You know that project
I've been working on

for the last eight years?

Well, I finally got it.

The Lubitsch estate is
letting me have the rights.

I don't want to go
up against Lubitsch.

Lubitsch is dead. You're alive.

When was the last time
you worked?

- About three years ago.
- Yeah three years ago,

that's not bringing in
the money.

I've been carrying you
for three years,

you owe me big time.

Dov, how are you fella?

Oh, good to see you.

- Good to see you and who's this?
- This is Maggie.

- Hi.
- Maggie Chase.

Amazing actress.

Mr. Lambert,
it's so nice to meet you.

Yes, yes, nice to meet you too.
This is Pedja.

I know, I love your films.

- Thank you.
- So much.

This one's gorgeous dear.

Oh my gosh,
I just threw something on.

No, he's the gorgeous one.

- She is an amazing actress.
- Red Wrecker.

Oh yeah.

- The action series.
- Did you see it?

You were funny in that,
weren't you?

- Yeah, well...
- Yes, yes.

I mean, it was supposed to be
an action film but...

I've heard the through the vine.

You have a great sense
of timing, I understand.

That's so nice, really?

Maybe this is
a great sense of timing.

Really?

Yes, there's a scene in it
that's awful.

This woman in some stirrups.

Don't encourage him.

So what happened in school,
Michael?

I couldn't try out
for the basketball team

because I had a D in math.

I wasn't so hot
in math either.

Ladies and gentlemen,

at your leisure...

Uh, dinner is served.

Shall we?

I'm so sorry you have
to sit on a stool my dear,

but Dov didn't tell me
you were coming.

But then my boy's always
so full of surprises.

Hi everybody.

Shaelynn!

Oh, my God, how are you?

It's so good to see you.

Oh my dear, you look
absolutely fabulous.

Right out of Vogue.

- Would you like to join us?
- Oh, I would love to.

Yeah, why don't you
get a chair over there.

Look at the kids,
they're getting so big.

Hi!

Aw, you look wonderful.

Oh God, and you smell
beautiful too.

Come right over here my dear.

Did you invite her?

Shaelynn,
nice to see you.

- Hi.
- Hi I'm a huge fan.

- I'm a huge fan.
- And this is Maggie Chase.

Okay, hi.

My mom
and I love you.

Ernesto!

Ernesto, we need another stool.

One more.

One more, that's four.

That's four, yes.

That's more
than the Russians do.

Yes.

Betty, I am really sorry
I didn't mention it,

I forgot all about it,
I've been so busy.

- Forgive me, honey.
- Of course.

Thank you honey.

You have such
beautiful red hair.

When did you guys
last see each other?

- A month ago.
- No, a week ago.

Really? He didn't tell me
anything about it.

Aren't you wearing
an ankle bracelet?

- What?
- Ankle bracelet?

Is that like a slave bracelet?

Or the tattoos that you girls
are wearing nowadays?

No, it's um...

something that
I've had on for a while.

- It's just uh...
- Show it to us.

- Can we see it?
- Uh...

Show it to us.

You don't have to show it.

- Is it Tiffany?
- Oh, my God.

It's not Tiffany, I'm afraid.

Uh, I mean...

It doesn't weigh a lot,
it's pretty light.

- Yeah, sure.
- No, you can't take a picture.

She says it's fine.

Blinking light on it,

and if I go outside
the premises, the cops come.

I had a couple
of traffic violations,

that's all.

I had a couple of
traffic violations.

Yeah, it's just,
if I get too many...

Could you please
shut off that cell phone?

I've got a parking ticket,

I don't have to wear
an ankle bracelet.

I got a few too many
parking tickets.

I understand that you
might be doing a remake

of the Lubitsch films.

Oh it's a horrible idea.
I'm not going to do that.

It's the worst idea
I've heard in 20 years.

Trouble in Paradise
is a perfect film.

Trouble in Paradise?

You would be brilliant
at remaking that.

Nobody would be brilliant
at remaking Lubitsch,

you can't redo
Lubitsch, you know.

It's like... there's a certain
style involved,

it's like Monier.

Lubitsch used to act out all
the parts, did you know that?

All the parts for everybody,
including the maid.

He did all the parts.

Just think about
if it was up to you.

Think about if it was
in modern times.

You can't do it in modern times.

- You told me this.
- It's the thin man,

- it's Ecuador Charles.
- No, no, it's not.

Think about Mr. And Mrs. Smith.

Exactly, you could do it like
Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie

and have it be an action film.

Are you trying
to make me yell?

- No, no.
- I mean, look, Lubitsch is

a short fat German
with a thick accent,

with a cigar in his mouth.

I asked Jack Benny once,

"Is it true that Lubitsch used
to act out all the parts?"

And Jack said, "Yes."
I said, "Well was he any good?"

He said,
"Well, he was a little broad,

but you got the idea."

Look, you don't want me
to embarrass you

in front of all these people.

You're going to do the movie.

I'm going to embarrass you
by telling you

it's the shittiest idea
I've ever heard.

I think you owe me.

I'll do The Lone Ranger
again, but not...

You're doing the movie.

And Dov is playing
Gaston Monescu.

And the reason
I invited Shaelynn here,

was she's going to play
the lead opposite him.

I wanted to see them together,

that's why I invited
Shaelynn here.

They're going to do it together,
do you understand that?

This is so exciting
for the two of you.

That's so wonderful.

Aaron will write it.

Not funny.

I think it's funny.
Interesting, okay.

What would put that
into your head?

It's all because of Iceland.

It's uh, it's a mess.

It wasn't really my fault.

It's because of fucking Iceland.

What is?

- August.
- I'm sorry, Elizabeth.

Is your husband, your Goddamn
husband, on booze again?

Don't talk to him like that.

- Don't be that way.
- Oh Jesus Christ.

- Just too inconsiderate for me.
- I'm tired, alright?

I've been taking care of
the financial situation

for all you people
for the past 24 years.

Odin.

I've think I've done
a pretty good job.

- Odin.
- Haven't been going to parties.

I haven't been going to
fashion...

Odin,
I want you to step outside now.

...charity balls.

- Now.
- My wife has to do

dinners here
and fucking Florida.

Stop it!

And you guys get
to go to charity events!

- Now, Odin!
- Will you please stop it?

- God.
- What was that all about?

I sought out the money
at the highest possible rate.

And for a while,
everything was great.

Billions were pouring in
from all over the world.

And it wasn't just us
that was invested,

it was everyone,
all of England practically.

So?
What happened?

Just tell it to me straight.
What happened, Odin?

All the accounts are frozen.

What the fuck
are you talking about?

What? Spit it out!

No one's in charge.

It's all connected, but
there is nobody in charge.

And now,
this house, your house...

Wait a minute, wait a minute.

What are you saying
about this house?

This is our family home.

My kids were born here.

Spit it out for Christ sake.

I called EG Capital today.

And they told me that when
the loan on this house,

your loan on this house,
comes due in two months,

there will be no
new negotiations.

Either you pay it off in full,

or they're gonna proceed
with foreclosures, Lou.

- Hi.
- Hi.

- What's wrong?
- Nothing.

You seem like
something's the matter.

Mm mm, I'm just looking out
at how amazing it is here.

You don't remember me, do you?

- Mm mm.
- I kind of discovered you.

What do you mean?

A few years ago,
I was filming in the park

with my brother and
my friend at some swing set,

and you walked by
with all these big bags,

and I had this footage of you,

and you were just
really ridiculous.

- That was you?
- Yeah.

Sylvia, Louis Lambert here.

I want a meeting with Gary,
day after tomorrow at my place.

Yes it's fucking Sunday,
I know that.

Okay, I want you to call
all of them tonight, now.

Well, you know TMZ,
they would love that footage.

I mean it's way back when,
and they love things like that.

Oh no, oh no we don't put
stuff like that on there.

Well, it would make you popular.

But the thing is,
I go to UCLA now.

- I think maybe you...
- Film school...

Right. And I would like
to intern for you.

Oh, we don't take interns.

Well see, cause I
have the footage of you.

And I know TMZ
would love to do it.

And I'm doing a culture
in communication class.

And it's tied in with film,

- and I was gonna do it.
- Are you bribing me?

No, no, no. I was gonna
do an expose on you.

No, I think you're bribing me.

Or I could intern for you.

I'm really great at PR,
I could help you so much.

I mean, it's just like a trade,

that's what Hollywood's
all about, right?

Why don't you sit down, officer?
Sit down.

Would you like me
to order you a drink

or something like that?

No, no thank you.

- Are you sure?
- I'd just like to get this done.

Oh, alright.

So it's perfect.

It's a win-win situation,
we both win.

And you can give me like
$500 a week for expenses.

I'll let you know if I
need more, don't worry about it.

And I don't need a salary,

that's just for things
I need to get for you.

- Hi.
- Am I interrupting?

No.

I see you've met
our little family monster.

I sure did.

- Okay well, I'll see you later.
- It's a deal, by the way.

Okay, cool let's...
See you later.

Okay.

Seriously, make sure your
wallet's still in your purse.

Wow.

- And where are you from, Scotty?
- Chicago.

- Oh that wonderful city,
- Yup.

- Chicago.
- Yeah, yeah.

How's it going there,
politically?

Oh well, you know,
Chicago politics as usual.

- You know.
- Yes, we all know.

- You okay?
- Mm-hm.

- Really?
- Yeah, I'm fine.

I'm just feeling embarrassed
by everything that transpired

in your dining room.

Well,

I think you might be
trying a little hard.

I'm not trying too hard,

I'm just trying to
make a good impression.

There's no right way
and there's no wrong way,

there's only kind
of a forced way.

- You know what I mean?
- So you're saying I'm forced?

I'm saying don't try so hard.

What is trying too hard?
I don't understand.

We'll talk about this later.
Take my hand.

There's somebody
waiting for you inside.

Who?

Again, relax.

It's a police officer,
he wants to talk to you.

What?

- What?
- Relax, relax.

Oh come here, darling.
Come, sit by me.

- You mind if I stay?
- Oh stay, go, whatever.

There we are.
Alright, now.

How are we going to work out

this little problem
we have here?

- What little problem?
- Well,

Ms. Chase, your alarm went off
when you left Beverly Hills.

Now we okayed the route from
Westwood to Beverly Hills.

But we didn't program
for another route.

So unfortunately,

I'm gonna have to take you
back to Beverly Hills.

And I'm gonna have to cite you.

Just wait a moment officer,
I'm sure we can work this out.

Yes, hello.

Louis Lambert here.

Yes, it's been a long time.

Do you remember that time we had
and you said you owe me a favor?

It seems that we have this
charming little woman,

who's at my place
for the weekend.

And um...

Well, she happens to be
wearing an ankle bracelet.

And I will take
full responsibility.

I would love to have it removed.

She's been through so much,
and I'm wondering if

we can work something out.

Yes, there's an officer
here now.

Lovely, hold on.

Officer, would you like to
take this please?

- Sure.
- Just introduce yourself to him.

Scotty here.

It's going to be alright.

Yep.

Alright.

Very good.
Thank you Fitzgerald.

Thank you officer.

Yep, I don't have the key to
take off the ankle bracelet.

Now, I'm gonna have to go back
and then come back,

but everything's fine.

Well can you do that
as soon as possible?

Right now.

Terrific.

- Thank you.
- Nice meeting you, Scotty.

I also act.

He's gonna give me his headshot.

So if I could just...
If you would keep it,

- I mean its highly improbable.
- You're an actor?

I am,
I do that with this as well.

- Come on, I'll show you out.
- Very good.

- It was nice to meet you.
- It was so nice to meet you,

you're really gonna go far.

- Thank you sir.
- Yes, thank you.

Stop!

The Red Wrecker never lets
anything determine the price.

Okay.

Come in.

Oh, hi darling.
Do you mind if I sit down?

- Not at all.
- Ugh, I'm exhausted.

Listen, have you seen Dov?

He went to a card game.

Have him call me,
this is my private number.

Oh, hold on.

Hello?

Oh, Ernesto, yes.

Please send him up
to Dov's old room.

Yes.

Did you know that this
was Dov's old room?

- No.
- His mother turned it into

a boudoir.

Dov would never live
in a place like this.

He didn't even tell me.

He was a lot different
in that old room. You know that?

You've got such a sweet smile,
my dear.

Boy, I could use a smile.

You know, if there's
something wrong,

you can share it with me.

Oh no, darling. No, no.

It's okay, thank you
for your concern.

May I come in?

Oh officer, I'm glad
you could make it so early.

Listen, could you do me a favor?

Let's get this problem
over with.

This girl's been through
quite a bit.

Sure thing.

If you could
remove that with your key,

that would be wonderful.

Sure thing sir,
it'd be my pleasure.

- I'm a big fan, Ms. Chase.
- Thank you, that's so nice.

You were great
in Red Wrecker III,

you were amazing.

Oh my gosh, that's so sweet.

Maybe you could do one
of those kicks for me now?

Oh sure,
this was my roundhouse.

- Ha!
- Whoa!

- Thank you so much.
- My pleasure.

- Thank Joe for me.
- You got it, will do.

- Oh my gosh, it's off!
- I told you it would be off.

Oh, I can feel my toes.
Feel 'em, feel 'em.

- Yes.
- Feel 'em!

- Yay!
- They feel great.

You're like my Louis B. Mayer
and David Selznick, all in one!

Mwah!

That's great company to be in,
my dear.

Oh, you're great company
to be in.

Please Mr. Lambert,
tell me if you're okay.

Please, is there
something wrong?

I'm fine darling,
don't worry about me.

Everything will work itself out.

It will.

God...

I'm sorry, I...

Christ.

I don't know what happened.

Please forgive me.

I'm so sorry.

- What are you doing down here?
- Just picking lemons.

Up to your old tricks again,
huh?

I'm not up to any tricks.

I'm going to get some sleep.

Poor Dovy,
where's your girlfriend?

She's not my girlfriend,
not really.

Does she know that?
Do you want me to tell her?

I just brought her here
to make you jealous.

I'm not jealous.

You alright, Dad?

Aaron.

Is everything alright?

I mean aside from whatever
Odin was talking about

at dinner, about money.

What?

I mean aside from everything
Odin was talking about

tonight, at dinner, about money.

What do you care about money?
You never cared about money.

It's like Rothschild
said to his son,

when his son complained
about his father

tipping the coachmen too little.

He said, "Look, course you can
afford to be a big spender,

you got a rich father, I don't."

Right, yeah.

Same old dialogue.

If it applies, it applies.

God damn brother goes off
to God knows where.

Where the hell does he go
at this time of night?

- I don't know.
- Is he gambling again?

I don't know Dad,
I'm not his keeper.

Right, right, right, right.

Well...

Good night.

Good night.

It was amazing, I had these
seats for the Laker game.

It was an awesome game like,

it ended I think 112 to 107,
just like that.

And they won by
a game winning shot.

It was nice.

Yeah, and at the end, the best
part was, me and my friend,

we ran up to the front and
we got to high five Kobe,

and we were on TV.

Nice.

- It was really cool.
- Yeah.

Immediately after,
we got a bunch of phone calls.

You were on
national television?

- Yeah.
- Shut up!

Please tell me you taped it?

I think
my sister might have.

I feel really comfortable
with all of you now

and I don't want to feel
uncomfortable with you.

Hey everyone!

Sorry I slept in, is it
too late for breakfast?

Oh, get over here.
Get over here darling.

It's nice to see you
sitting next to your mother.

- Do you want some fruit?
- Yeah.

Thanks.

You guys are really lucky
that you get to go

to basketball games and stuff,

'cause if you come from like
a rural state, like Iowa,

you spend your summers
masturbating pigs.

I had to do that with my uncle.

Somebody's gotta do it,
you know?

- Some of us are eating.
- It's a really natural process.

You bring...
when sow's are in heat,

there's a thing called a gilt
and there's a sow.

A gilt is a sow before
she's had babies.

And then you set up a big...

one of those horses,
you know, though saw horses,

and you put the gilt in there
when she's in heat,

and then you bring the boar in,

and then the boar
like mounts the horse,

and then you have to get gloves
and you have to...

to like... 'til it... you know?

That's disgusting.

But it's a really natural,
beautiful process, you know?

And you're helping.

- It's a nature lesson.
- Yeah.

Shouldn't they do it
for themselves?

Why did you have to
masturbate the pigs?

Oh, God.
I got to get in the water.

Watch this.

That's true.

See, that's a swimmer's body.

Dov has a swimmer's body.

He has like a
quarterback's body.

- You have a swimmer's body.
- I don't, actually.

I have a chaise lounge body.
I have a body that's...

That's designed to fit
the contour of a chaise lounge,

and very little else.

Am I supposed to be
doing something about this?

I uh...
I don't know.

What do you want
to do about that?

Go home.

I shouldn't have even come here.

You want me to say something?

No, I can do that too.

Maggie.

What are you doing?

Let's play a game.

Yeah, I got a game
we can play.

I got a really good game
we can play.

What is it?

This is our game?

Fine.

Okay, okay.

I'm gonna go get a hot cocoa.

Are you okay?

- Yeah.
- Don't be scared.

- I'm not scared.
- Don't be scared.

- No, I'm not scared.
- Are you sure?

I just want to get some
hot cocoa.

What is a like
to grow up as a kid

in this amazing family
of show business people?

You know the problem
with living in a family

of people in show business,

is they're really good at
putting on a show for visitors.

It's just... It's difficult.

But it's...

You know, I mean everyone
has problems, you know?

Mm-hm.

Like your family
must not be perfect.

Do you have any issues
like that?

Well yeah, my grandfather
on my mother's side,

and my grandmother
on my father's side,

she used drugs and he drank and

I don't think it was
so much that you have...

I think, with addiction,

it's not so much that
you have an addiction,

it's that you have
feelings underneath it

you don't want to confront
or deal with, you know?

Which actually stems
more from anxiety

and issues within yourself,
you know?

What do you have issues about?

That I'm ugly, that
I'm stupid, that I'm annoying.

That I suck at acting.

Did anything affect you
while you were growing up

that you think could cause you
to drink or do drugs?

Something other than
your grandparents' addiction?

Mm, I had something
happen with my brother but...

What happened?

It was just something
that happened when I was little.

And that you think
helped cause you to,

you know,
not want to be present?

- Yeah, probably.
- What was it?

I don't really talk about it
anymore.

- How about you, do you do drugs?
- Nope.

Ever?

No, I'd rather be myself.

Everybody's addicted
to something it seems.

- Really?
- I've got my addictions too.

- What are you addicted to?
- I'm addicted to failure.

Failure?

How can you be
addicted to failure?

Oh it's easy. A lot easier
than you might think,

it just takes a lifetime
and then,

it's gotcha.

Can't be what I want to be,

can't be what other people
want me to be.

I don't think I can have
a success now,

if I kill to get it.

How are we both sitting
on the same side of the table?

Doesn't this feel kind of weird?

No, because if we don't sit
on this side of the table,

how are anybody who's driving
past gonna recognize me?

You walk around
wanting to be recognized?

- Of course I do.
- Why?

Oh, come on.

I mean that's the ultimate goal
of all of this.

For what?

When I go into
my dad's pharmacy in Iowa,

the thing that they have
up there are Marilyn mugs.

She's on purses
in car washes.

She was... she was emblemized
on items for over...

- over almost a century now.
- Oh, God.

Why wouldn't I want that?

Why would you want that?

That's a mystery to me,

why anybody would think
that their face

at the bottom of an ashtray,

five years after they're dead
is...

is a monument
to their achievements.

Don't you want to
touch people's lives?

Wouldn't you like it if they...

when they're walking by,
if they smile at you?

You really care what
these two people think about

after you're dead?

Is that gonna have any impact
on your life whatsoever

if they think fondly of you,
or not fondly of you?

If they say, "Oh, she was
an amazing actress,

so much so that I got to
have her on my teaspoon."

So why am I attracted to
somebody who's so superficial,

is completely confusing to me.

You are attracted to me?

Yes, of course I am.

How could you say that
after this weekend?

Of course I am.

I don't know what that means,
I don't know what...

I don't know what to do
with that information because...

What about your brother,
what about my career?

- Exactly, what about my brother?
- And I'm not telling you

what you should be doing
or shouldn't be doing,

I'm just asking you
what the fuck are you doing?

I...

I'm falling in love
with somebody.

What are you doing?

What are you talking about?

Put a girl in the situation

where she feels like
she has to do something

that she's obviously
uncomfortable doing,

in order to please you,
and you're just playing a game.

I know what you're doing,
you're just playing.

Let me show you something.

This is how fast they come
and go, just like that.

Yeah.

Here they are,
and then they're gone.

Shaelynn looks beautiful,
you would do the same thing.

You wouldn't do the same thing?

- Huh?
- I would not do the same thing.

- Oh, come on.
- I would not do the same thing.

You got a beautiful woman
in the pool,

takes her top off,
swimming around,

I got another beautiful woman
on the side of the pool,

she's ready to jump in the pool,
they're kissing.

You got a problem with that?

The way that I feel like it is,
yes.

Because I don't think
that she's...

I don't think she's like you,
to be honest with you.

You're so uptight,
it's unbelievable.

- I'm not uptight.
- I mean, Shaelynn's my wife.

You got a problem
with us being together?

Well, she was your wife.

You haven't been together
for two and a half years.

No, she's still my wife.

What about Maggie?
Maggie's crazy about you.

Of course she is.

You are such a cocky fuck.

I cannot fucking believe
your attitude sometimes.

It's mind blowing to me
that my wife goes away,

and your comes back
to fuck you in the pool

in broad daylight.

I'm trying to have a
good time this weekend.

- I come here...
- No.

She was incredibly
intimidated to come here,

she's incredibly intimated by
all this, by our family.

She's totally vulnerable, and
you took advantage of that.

Well I think
she's having a good time.

- Really?
- Mm-hm.

Well, she's having
a good time with you.

Well I'm...

I'm sort of being,
I don't know, protective.

I'm sort of looking...
I don't know what...

Actually, I really don't know
what I'm doing with her.

But I'm glad that I can
at least make her laugh,

and make her feel comfortable.

Well I'm glad that you're there
to protect her.

I shouldn't have to protect her
from you.

I need to work on that trick.

They don't go away,
they fall on the floor.

And then someone's
got to pick them up.

And it's usually me
that has to pick 'em up,

put them back,
and make it all nice again.

You flick 'em left
and you flick 'em right.

You know I got snapped off

with a set of 10s in that game
the other night?

To someone with a set of Aces.

He flopped a set of Aces.

I'm fascinated that this
is what you care about.

It was for a lot of money.

You know what a lot of money is?

Close to $80,000.

Bullshit.

You play poker for $80,000?

Well, I bought in
for $20,000 and...

Four times.

That is like
inconceivable to me.

Eighty grand?

Wow.

I don't even know
what to say about that.

Look, can we at least come
to some sort of understanding

to some sort of
understanding about Maggie?

Can we at least... can you see
where I'm coming from?

Can you at least try
to edit your behavior,

just a little bit, if you have
no future intentions with her,

if there's nothing
going on that you...

If it's just a throw away,
then can you at least just...

As a favor to me,
just cool it a little bit?

The really nice thing
about this stuff

is I found this
as a publicity trip.

And there's nothing that
I've ever seen Maggie,

in this place or time,
or what she's like...

I don't know what
you could do with it,

but it could be really good.

I mean, we have her, you know,
tractors, pigs, whatever.

It's kind of... you know,
it shows she's an American girl,

not... It counteracts the DUIs
and everything.

It's good, you know.
It's like common girl, whatever.

Yeah, but you know,
the cool thing is

that you could spin this
in a certain way.

How? Come on.

It's pigs, it's tractors,
it's Iowa.

Yeah, it's also Maggie
back in a place

- where Maggie came from.
- Look at that.

- That's bad PR.
- It's cute!

It's cute,
what are you talking about?

That's the piece.

There you go.
You see what I'm saying?

Shh!

Shh.

I found this in the freezer.

This house was built
in the '20s,

the walls are like
three feet thick, we're okay.

What the hell are you doing?

Can I ask you something?

Yeah.

Do you want some ice cream?

- Do I want mushrooms? No.
- Ice cream.

- What?
- Ice cream.

No, thank you.

I...

Oh, good Lord,
what are you doing?

It's called chetting.

Shh!

It's called chetting.
It's chewing and spitting.

I made it up, you don't
gain any weight doing this.

Queen of hearts,
pair of sevens.

Anybody have it?

- Tens.
- A hundred.

Ten's bets,
bet's a hundred.

You go, yous in?

Who is going to emblaze
in the California skies

with big circles,
with a dot in the middle?

Like Jane Russell's breasts.

Like Russell Birdwell did
for her,

where is my publicist?

When Ava Gardner and Lana Turner

fucked the gas station
attendant,

there was no problem,
nobody cared,

'cause MGM and Paramount,
and everybody covered it up.

But I get an ankle bracelet,

and now everybody's
pissed off at me.

I don't have anybody
to protect me,

and if Kaz and Caesar
really loved me than they'd...

they'd write my breasts
in the sky too.

But they're not, are they?
No they're not.

But I don't think that they
would want to put my breasts

up in the sky 'cause I have
really small breasts anyway.

Maybe they should
put my ass in the sky.

Or my thighs,
'cause my thighs are bigger.

You don't think I'm sexy either,
do you?

- What?
- You think I'm weird.

- No, you're very sexy.
- No, you think I'm weird.

Very kind of odd
and interesting and...

- But weird?
- Unconventional,

- untraditional.
- But that's not sexy.

It is.

Not sexy at all.

I have to admit, that is...

what you're doing
is not sexy in the slightest.

- 200.
- 200.

- Check.
- Check.

Let me see...
I can't see what's going on.

- Are you in?
- $2,000.

What's underneath
that king there?

Suite.

Suite.

What do you say we put all
the muffins, and all the cakes,

and all the cookies away.

And you get some sleep?

How would that be?

- Yes.
- Okay.

That conversation
was exhausting.

- And it's very late.
- Do you like exhausting women?

Was your wife exhausting?

Uh, I think I exhausted my wife.

Really?

How did you exhaust her?

Don't keep secrets.

Um, how did I exhaust my wife?

I think she wanted
somebody less...

complicated.

I don't think
you're that complicated.

Really?

Have a bite.

I really don't want anybody
else to find this mess

in the morning, so I am
going to pick it up, okay?

Wait, wait.

Come here.
Come here.

It's kind of fun actually,
isn't it?

Wait, you have a crumb.

A crumb right there.

- No I didn't get it.
- Did you get it?

Mm-mm.

No, you get it?

You get it?

Come on.

More.

I could get really thin
if I kissed you a lot

'cause your lips taste
better than muffins.

That's a really good line.
I got to remember that.

I'm sorry.

Something I do.

"Your lips taste better
than muffins."

Just a note, okay.

Can I sleep in your
childhood bed with you?

Um...

Did you ever have a girl sleep
over in your childhood bed?

No.

How 'bout you let me sleep
over in your childhood bed?

Well, what happens when

the person in Dov's childhood
bed wakes up tomorrow?

The person in Dov's
childhood bed isn't there.

The person in Dov's childhood
bed is with Shaelynn.

Maybe. Maybe.

I'm gonna walk around now.

Oh, my God.

Nobody's ever carried me up
this many stairs.

My legs may look skinny,

but they're actually
incredibly working.

It's making me sleepy.

You're very, very sleepy.

- Yeah.
- It's late.

I'm sleepy.

- Go to sleep.
- I'm sleepy.

I'll tuck you in.

Dov?

Yeah.

I love you.

Maggie.

Yeah, it's Gio.

Look out your bedroom window.

Just outside the front gate.

Merry Christmas.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

Hi!

Hi!

I've got waters for all of you.

Would you like a water?

Have some water, stay hydrated.

Water.

He should be coming,
Dov should be coming soon.

Hi baby!

There he is.

No, don't honk at them.
Don't honk at them.

What's the matter with you?
What are you doing?

Please, get away.
Get the hell out of my way, sir.

- Get out of the way.
- Just wait!

What's the matter with you?

What are you doing?

Okay, enough.
Back away from the car.

Back away from the car.

Back away from the car.

God, they're so irritating.

Oh, my God, what were you doing?

Oh, I was just having
an interview

with some of the people
out on your front lawn.

You look amazing.

- Where did you get that hat?
- Thank you.

Oh this thrift shop that's
so wonderful in Santa Monica.

- Good morning, Mrs. Lambert.
- Good morning.

Good morning, Mr. Lambert.

An interview?
On our lawn?

Oh no, not on your lawn.

They didn't come near the house,

they just came to
the front gate,

and then I just, you know,
did a little...

Who is "they",
the paparazzi?

Well yeah, there
were some photographers

and some people down there.

Oh great, wonderful.

Oh no,
but they were very nice.

- I'm sure they were.
- It's very hard to handle that.

In our day,
it was so much easier.

We had handlers that
went with us everywhere.

They protected us
when we traveled,

and when we shot on location.

Good morning everyone.

Rough night, Dov?

Yeah, everything
looks so beautiful.

Thank you.

Some juice, thank you.

Hey guys, how you doing?

Pretty good,
how about you?

Doing alright,
I'm a little tired.

He's always tired.
Aren't you?

Give him a break.

What more breaks
does he want and need?

Okay handsome,
I'm gonna go take a nap.

Good, you do that.

Would you like some coffee?

I'd chose to ignore that.

Yeah,
maybe you should.

It's really not necessary...

He has caused me nothing but
griefs the last couple of...

Okay.
You're right, you're right.

It is not...
I apologize, I'm sorry.

Like a vision in the night.

You know what's really true
when things are the darkest?

There is a light.

All you have to do is
look at it and focus on it.

Anyway,

I am going to pitch
a reality show to IPN,

the International
Prayer Network,

starring Dov Lambert
and the entire Lambert family.

Oh, no.

- What a great idea!
- It's gonna be called,

"Praying With The Stars".

Leave me out, will you?

Is that amazing?

If we can scrape it together
and do the pilot,

an interdenominational
holiday special,

we can go syndicated,

and by this time next year,
we'll have a fortune, Louis.

I swear to God.

Look, we can get Mel Gibson.

You know him don't you?
You've worked with him before.

I know I can get
Sandra Bernhard.

If she's not danced out,

we can get Cloris Leachman,
I'm sure.

The Killers!

I hear they're very devout,
you know?

It's just gonna be great.

If we can keep it together,
alright?

Shaelynn will have to be in it
as well.

It's just gonna be great.

- Just what we need.
- Oh, my God,

this is the tackiest thing
I've ever heard of.

Tacky?
Tacky is money.

How did you
come up with this idea?

- Last night.
- What are you...

- Oh, my God.
- Last night?

Mm-hm.

You guys don't understand,
that's how Ozzy Osbourne

and his... Sharon Osbourne,
they all became famous

- from a reality show.
- That's right,

listen to this girl,
this girl is reality.

This girl is the business now.

I mean, that's what everybody
in the Midwest watches,

reality shows.

That's brilliant.

- Mm-hm.
- You're brilliant.

You can have Catholics, and
Protestants, and Presbyterians.

And Jews! We can have lots
and lots of Jews.

- Scaring me.
- Me too.

Just breathe out.

- Hurts a lot?
- Mm-hm.

Point to the large intestine.

All meridian going all
the way down your arm.

Hurts somewhere else?

Yeah, right there, right there,
right there, right there.

Ow, ow!

Breathe.
Is it out yet?

- Yeah, yeah yeah.
- Does it hurt here?

- Yeah, really tightly.
- That's really hurt.

Hi.

Move closer.

You can go for a minute
if you want.

What's the matter?

I missed looking at you.

I'm just...

trying to see you.

What do you mean?

- I mean, there's you.
- Mm-hm.

And then there's you.

And they're not the same.

And I want to know
which one is you.

The big you is:

"Oh, my God I'm from Iowa,

and everything
is so big in the big city,

and your family is so
rich and important.

I don't know what
to do with myself.

And this is all
like a big dream."

- The little you...
- Mm-hm.

...is the one who knows
exactly what she's doing,

who's very smart.

Slightly conniving,

bit of a game player.

Which one
do you want me to be?

You can be both as long as
you admit that you are both.

'Cause I can't be
with just the big you.

I need to know that there's
a little you in there too.

And unless I get that,

I don't think
this is going to happen.

And I just don't know
what you're doing.

Are you trying to
be with my brother?

Are you trying to be with me?

I don't know what you want.

I'm totally confused by you.

And I need some honesty.

I need full disclosure,

because I have a feeling

that things are not
as they seem to be.

Are you
what you seem to be?

No, I'm not.

I'm not even close
to what I seem to be.

We'll get through this.

I mean the family's
been through worse.

I can't do the picture.

I can't do the picture.

You have to do it.

No I can't.
I'm not going to do it.

It would kill me spiritually.

Excuse me, sir. Sir.

The business associates
are here.

The men and women
from the bank are here.

They're all waiting up there.

The vultures, okay.
Let's go.

Uh, I'm alright. See you after.

- Look after Louis.
- Okay.

Are we in
some kind of trouble, sir?

I'll talk to you later, Ernesto.

I just want to know

if I have to look for
another job or something,

I've been here for 40 years.

I've got a funny feeling.

Okay.

- Hello.
- Hi, hello.

How are you?

- A little out of breath.
- Gary.

I just want to get
down to business right away.

You have to do this picture,

you're gonna break us
if we don't.

If we don't get this picture
done, you're gonna break us.

You want to break me?

Yeah, yeah.

I'm not doing
the fucking picture...

No, no. Actually,
it would be okay for you

to compromise your spirituality
for one minute,

and take care of the family.

I am horrified by
what you're saying,

and I'm not doing the picture,
so forget it.

This family has taken
care of you.

- Hello, forget it.
- You owe them.

- I don't owe them dick.
- Yeah, you do.

No, I don't owe them anything.

I'm doing a picture, a comedy,

I've been wanting to
do for some years.

It's going to make
a lot of money

and I can pay your
Goddamn father back.

- It'll be too late.
- That's the end of that, okay?

- Finished!
- It'll be too late.

Um,
you see this beautiful house.

I happen to be working
on a movie at the moment.

And I need eight more months,
just eight more months,

that's all I need,
it's just eight months.

I'm afraid not.

- Another 2,000.
- Another 2,000?

- Yep.
- Oh, this is exciting.

Alright, I see your 2,000,

and I'll raise you

another $4,000.

Oh my gosh,
are you really?

I'm making it interesting.

- I gotta borrow four grand.
- Alright.

Not for too long,
you can't beat me.

I'm borrowing $4,000, man,
and I'll throw in the chips.

Cut it off, exactly four.

Can you beat an
Ace high straight?

Huh? Can you beat an
Ace high straight?

Okay, read it
and weep young man.

Read it and weep.

You're the
luckiest mother I know.

Never again.

Never again.

Hey leave one, let's go already.
He cheats.

Let's play, the three of us.

Everybody!

Game's not over, is it?

I don't have any money,
and I'm tired.

- Okay, well then go.
- Borrow the money.

What are you doing?

You and me.

Huh, you scared?

Come on,
look what I got.

You want to play?
You want to play for real?

Are you scared?

'Cause what I got here
is double what you won,

at least.

I got three and a half million
dollars worth of jewelry here.

Come on, you and me.

Right now,
heads up for all this.

One cut, for all of it.

I wouldn't talk to you
if it weren't for you father,

you understand that?

This is your card.
It's a fake.

- Huh?
- Three of diamonds.

Alright, game's over.

- Ace of spades.
- Take a walk.

You fucking scared of me?

Motherfucker.

- You mother fucker!
- Hey!

No!

Yay!

Wow, this is like a real
family Christmas.

Maggie, uh...

Uh, I really fucked up
this time.

Um...

Yeah, you got to get over
to the dress shop.

Huh?

Yeah, the dress shop!

In the back room
as soon as you can.

No, it doesn't...
it doesn't matter what happened.

Just get here!

What did you do?

He came at me, with a gun.

I tried to protect myself.

And he fell.

He's been laying there,
hasn't moved since.

He must have hit his head,

or something, I don't know.

Okay, I want you
to listen to me.

I need you to let me know that
you can hear me, right now.

I want you to
pull yourself together.

Tell me that you can hear me,

and you understand
what I'm saying.

- I can hear you.
- Good.

This is what you're going to do.

You're going to be
a very good boy.

You are going to go home.

You're going to take the car

and you're going to go home
without me.

And you're going to take Beverly
Glen instead of Crescent.

And when you get...

Do you understand, Beverly
Glen instead of Crescent?

- Yeah, I understand.
- Say it!

Beverly Glen
instead of Crescent.

When you get four blocks
from the house,

you're going to
turn off the lights.

You're going to pull
in the back alley.

Repeat after me, Goddamn it Dov!

Four blocks away, I'm gonna
turn the lights off in the car.

And I'm gonna pull in the alley.

Very good.

When you get inside the house,

you're going to take a shower,

and you're going
to get into bed.

And then you're
going to go to sleep.

I'm going to take a shower
and go to bed.

Very good.

Now go.

Go on, be a good boy.

Hi, it's Maggie.

My manager, Caesar's,
had an accident.

I have a little...

...something here
that I need help with.

There's been
a little altercation

and I need your help.

I didn't know who else to call,
so I just called you.

Maggie, just stay there,
I'll take care of it.

It's a dress shop over here
on the west side.

6107 La Cienega.

Someone will show up.

Alright, thank you.

It's me.

I need you to take care
of something for me.

What happened?

What are you doing here?

What happened?

Your brother had an accident.

What are you doing here?

My father called me.

He said that he was
gonna send somebody

who could take care of this.

He did.

You can't fix this.

Yeah, I can.

This is...

This is what I do.

This is what I did.

Where's Dov?

I sent him home.

Good.

He tends to fall apart
at times like these.

Okay, you were never here.

- What?
- Come on, go, go, go, go.

Don't leave anything behind.
You have your purse?

You have your phone?
Your keys?

I can't leave him here
like this.

Just watch your step.

Okay, go straight home.

Okay?

Okay.

Go.

Fucking Dov.

Mr. Gray,

it's Aaron.

And I could use a little help.

I am in a dress shop
on La Cienega,

just south of Beverly.

Okay.

You're kind of
inside of your head.

Nice to meet you.

It's easy, easier
than you would think.

Just takes a lifetime,
and then...

it's gotcha.

Mr. Gray.

Oh, that's a good size,
that's a good one.

Okay.

You alright, sir?

I'm a little blue,
to be honest with you.

Where's the army?

Where's your arm?

Where's the arm?

Yes, yes, yes.

Let me just check
your temperature.

Oh Jesus, oh!

Where the fuck am I?

- What is this?
- Easy, easy.

- It's a bad fall.
- Christ.

You're okay.

You're okay.

Are you okay?
Are you alright?

- Shit!
- Oh, that was some fall.

Oh, that was a close one, huh?

Oh, yeah.

You went out, actually.
You went out.

Am I bleeding?

- No, no, no.
- No, no, you're fine.

You just sort of fell.

You must have
tripped or something.

There you go,
you feeling better?

- You want to sit down?
- You want to call somebody?

There's a sick
kid there, fucking sick.

- Hey, hey sit down.
- Yeah, yeah, sit down.

Sick kid, that kid.

Maybe we should
open a window or something.

What was the thing over me?
There was a thing over me.

- Let's go open a window.
- There was a thing...

And uh, I'll get a
glass of water for you.

You just relax,
you had some fall.

Who are you?

I just work
here, I help out.

So.

Okay yeah, I'm
gonna get the water.

And I'm gonna go call.

What happened... this thing?
What the fuck...

Oh God.

Aaron.

Aaron?

Aaron.

Aaron?

Where are my pills?

Hey, get up.

Did you take these?

Did you?

I think I did
something stupid.

What did you do Aaron?

Tell me all about it,

it's the last
chapter of my opus.

Okay, Aaron.

My chronicles of my failures.

Oh, I did something
really stupid, Maggie.

What did you do?

I fell in love with you.

That's good,
that's not stupid...

And I took your pills.

That's stupid!

- That's really stupid, Aaron!
- I just want to sleep.

No, no you can't sleep.

Come on, you can't sleep.

Aaron you can't.

Aaron you can't sleep.

Come on, no baby, come on.

Come on, come on.

- Ow, you stepped on my hand.
- Oh, oh!

That's good, pain is good.

Good, wake up yes.

It's hurt, doesn't it?

Wake up.

Okay, okay.

This is like the
movie The Apartment.

You're Shirley MacLaine
and I'm Jack Lemmon.

And we need to walk up
and down the apartment,

just like Dr. Dreyfuss.

Aaron, Aaron?

Don't sleep, come on.

Richard Dreyfuss is
not in The Apartment.

No not Richard Dreyfuss,
Dr. Dreyfuss.

You have to throw up.

I don't think I
need to throw up,

I really need to sleep.

Yes, you took my pills, ready?

What are you doing?

Throw up, come on.

That's good, that's good.

Oh, good.

Oh, I am so proud of you.

That's good.

Okay.

Coffee, we got to
get you coffee.

Stay here.

Oh!

Okay, wait.

I'm getting you coffee,
stay there don't move.

Don't move, okay.

Okay.

Okay.

Ready?

Ow!

Oh God.

That's hot!

That didn't
happen in the movie.

Are you okay?

Here, wait.

I love you.

I love you, I'm sorry.

What are you doing?

Good, good.

You threw up, that's good.

Don't you close your eyes.

You stay awake.

I love you.

You're my leading
man, do you hear me?

- I'm the leading man?
- Yes, yes.

I'm the leading man?

Okay, maybe,

maybe you should throw up again.

I don't want to
throw up again.

Alright, yes baby.

You have to throw up again.

Okay, in the sink.

One, two, three.

Don't do that again!

Oh that's good, good.

Okay.

Okay.

Come on, come on.

Into the bedroom.

And we're gonna walk, ready?

One, two, three, four.

Hey.

I'm alive.

And you're brilliant.

This is brilliant.

Oh, my God,
did you read it?

This is amazing.

I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

- What?
- Are you totally offended?

Offended, are you kidding me?
I love this.

This is what your
father should be making.

This is a movie, this
is a brilliant movie.

Not Trouble In Paradise,
this is so good.

There's so much and
I can add to it.

I love it.

This is incredible,
you're so talented.

Well, you know.

You did say

my family's life would
make a good movie.

And I feel like,

it's their last
redemptive possibility.

They're never
going to go for it.

They're never gonna go for it.

You're sweet.

I can get you money for this.

I have things that
you don't know.

Really?

Mhm.

Really?

Partner?

Mhm.

Am I the lead?

You are

the Queen of the Lot.

You really like it?

I think it's brilliant.

May we step into
your office, Louis?

I have some things I'd
like to talk to you about.

Right this way.

Who owns you?

You own me.

I have to declare bankruptcy.

I'll never make
another movie again.

Look at this, Louis.

Look at this.

Oh, my God.

Where did you get all this?

Oh, my God.

This is the first piece of
jewelry I gave to Betty.

It was from my mother.

There's enough here
to get things rolling again.

Do you realize how
much there is here?

I thought Betty
sold these years ago.

There's only one
thing I want in return.

What's that?

I want you to make
me Queen of the lot,

the new lot, Queen
of the 21st century.

And how am I supposed
to do that, my dear?

Aaron's been writing a
tell all book about you,

your family, your
wife, your kids,

all the dirty laundry
from the last 50 years.

And he's turned
it into a script,

you are going to produce it,
and Pedja's going to direct it.

With me playing Lizzy Schill
and Dov will play you.

And you'll finance it
with all of your jewels.

Neat, huh?

At this time in the
movie you need a side plot.

A twist.

You want a twist?
Here's the twist.

I will handle all the
PR including internet.

And I want 2.5% of the
gross, the real gross.

And I want 100% of the rights
for developing the game.

What?

The game rights.

It's a deal.