All language subtitles for Modern.Family.S11E17.web.h264-trump

[BIRDS CHIRPING]

Ah. [SIGHS]

Listen to those birds.

Mm.

I love it out here. It's so peaceful.

We should have done this months ago.

- I'm gonna go for a run.
- Okay. Let's just make sure it's safe.

- Okay.
- [WHISPERING] Okay, now! Go now!

PHIL: Four days ago,

Claire and I moved out
here to the driveway.

The house exceeded maximum capacity

when Alex moved back home.

She quit her fancy job

for something low-paying and ethical!

Yay.

Between her, Luke, Dylan,
Haley, and the twins,

things have devolved into total chaos.

[POUNDING ON DOOR] Alex! Open up!

My hair is drying,
and I haven't put any product in yet.

ALEX: [SCOFFS] Go use Dad's!

Ugh! Can I get like
two minutes to myself?!

PHIL: Oh, my God!

- [BABIES CRYING]
- Hey!

You woke up the babies, you idiot!

- LUKE: [SIGHS]
- DYLAN: Haley!

[SCOFFS] Great, now he's up.

Darn it, Luke. That was my foot!

Who made macaroni and
cheese and left it out?

Sorry, Mrs. D. That was me and Luke.

But in our defense, we were high

- and got spooked by your German dishwasher.
- [DOOR OPENS, CLOSES]

Well, now the entire kitchen
is covered with ants, and so am I.

God, I got to take a shower.

Well, good luck with that.
No more hot water.

Yep! Gonna lose a toenail.

There goes sandal season!

♪♪

- Subtitles by explosiveskull
corrected by sot26 - www.addic7ed.com

- [DOOR OPENS]
- [GASPS] Oh.

MITCHELL: Do you love it?

Oh, my God! You've gotten so much done.

Well, I wanted to finish
it before the housewarming.

It looks so good.

Thank you! I swear it's this place.

It... It makes me better at things.

I... Yesterday, I threw my T-shirt

at the laundry basket, yelled, "Money!"

and it almost went in.

It's been a weird and wonderful month.

We adopted a baby boy.

Yeah, and we moved into a new home,

which we love so much,

we named our son after our street.

- Rexford.
- Rex Tucker-Pritchett.

With a name like that,
he can be anything he wants...

a quarterback, a running back,
a middle linebacker.

Oh, he... he's got big feet.

Maybe he could be a kicker.

Why don't you believe in him, Mitchell?

[SCOFFS] This is crazy!

We're out of everything!

Is that the last of the cereal?

Oh, we haven't had cereal in days.

This is formula over croutons.

They're grrrrrross!

Ooh, coffee dust.

- Ew!
- Don't... Don't judge me!

You've been wearing
bathing suits for underwear

since the washing machine broke.

I wish I had a clean bathing suit.

I had to cut leg holes
into a shower cap.

Do I have coffee in my teeth?

- Mm.
- Arvin wants to meet

before I sign the contract,
for some reason.

Ooh.

I bet I know the reason why.

'Cause he wants to get with you.

No, he does not.
He's about to be my boss.

Which is why he wants
to talk before you sign.

Nowadays,
you get in trouble for dating at work

unless it's a pre-existing relationship.

I know this because I
had to go to an HR thing

thanks to some smoking-hot janitor

who can't take a compliment. [SCOFFS]

Married mother of two,
and you are insane.

- Eh.
- Arvin doesn't see me that way.

[SCOFFS]

I mean, d-does he, do you think?

Yes!

He gets all nervous

and yammery when he's around you.

How do you still not know you're a babe?

Well, I mean, you did call me
a frumpy nerd for 20 years.

Well, I didn't stop because I got nicer.

Who ate all the formula and croutons?

Where are Mom and Dad? We need food.

[SNIFFS] Wait. What's that smell?

Phil!

Bacon? They're gonna smell that.

Oh, my God! I didn't think about that!

Quick! Eat it!

Ow! Worth it.

Ow! Worth it.

Hey! They have food!

And coffee. Are you guys living in here?

Mom, I need to borrow some underwear.
[SIGHS]

[DOOR CLOSES]

It's not my fault. I tried to stop him.

Stop who? What happened?

[GASPS]

Ay, your hair! Where is it?!

Dad took me to his barber.

It was so cool!

Have you heard of Playboy?

- I'm going to kill him!
- It gets worse.

He went rogue on Mitch and
Cam's housewarming gift.

So, he didn't buy the coffee table book

about Los Angeles through the decades?

JAY: Check this out!

- Oh, my God!
- [LAUGHS] See?

You don't get that reaction
from a picture of a dusty guy

picking oranges on Sunset Boulevard.

That's the ugliest thing I've ever seen.

But I like my hair!

No, not you, sweetie. You're perfect.

And no woman will ever deserve you.

Hey, I don't know if you journal,

but you might want to
dog-ear today's page

for your future therapist.

Jay, you can't be buying
home décor things for gays.

Mitch and Cam are going
to hate this thing!

No, they won't.
The guys are gonna love it.

- Just like Joe loves his haircut.
- [SIGHS] Ay.

Everybody's gonna
think that he has lice.

I hope not.

Bad hygiene is one of Miss September's

three biggest turn-offs.

[SIGHS]

Mitchell!

I love this house!

Do you love it? Say you love it.

I do. I love it.

- I love the flow.
- Ah!

I love the lights. I love the location.

There... There's even a
karaoke room in the basement.

[GASPS] So fun!

The last time I had a hot
Mike in my basement...

You know what? I'm gonna wait till
there are more people here.

- Yeah.
- [REX FUSSING]

Oh, oh, the baby's awake.

Do... Do you want to meet him?

I do.
I can ask him if he liked our gift.

We never heard.

[CELLPHONE RINGTONE PLAYS]

- [CELLPHONE BEEPS]
- Hello?

Mr. Tucker. It's Jim Alvarez.

Athletic Director from the University
of North Central Missouri.

Uh, yes, of course.
How... How can I help you?

This is a bit of an awkward call.

As you know, you were the runner-up

for our head coaching job.

Uh, yes, yes, and, uh, you know,

Coach Ashley is a-a great guy,
great choice.

No hard feelings.
[CHUCKLING] I actually...

I sent him a bottle of
congratulatory scotch.

- Well, he drank it.
- [SIGHS]

Then he did a press conference
where he used some colorful language

to address a female reporter

and blamed some things on the Jews.

Oh, my.

The point is, uh,

the job is yours, if you still want it.

S... I'm... I'm sorry. W-What?

I know this is coming at you fast,

but I'll need an answer
by the end of the day,

so talk it over with the mister

and, uh, let me know.

Um, uh, yes. O-Ok... Uh, yes.

Okay, thank... thank you very...
thank you very much.

[CELLPHONE BEEPS]

[SIGHS]

RONALDO: Look at him! He's perfect!

MITCHELL: I know. I know.
It's all perfect.

It's like the universe gave
me everything I wanted.

[SIGHS, GROANS]

[GLASSES CLINK]

[GROANS]

Okay, family meeting.

Please. Sit down.
Dylan, please. Thank you.

- [SIGHS]
- Now, um,

this is gonna sound harsh.

No... No parent
with half a heart wants to say this,

- so, Claire?
- [SIGHS]

Fine. I have no problem saying it.

There are too many people
living in this house.

- [POPPY AND GEORGE BABBLING]
- It's disgusting!

I think there's something alive

in the kitchen sink water.

It's just Sinky.

You didn't turn on the garbage disposal,
did you?

O-Okay. W-We cannot live this way!

One of you has to move out.

- What?! That's not fair!
- Are you serious?!

- Are you kidding me?! That's not okay!
- You can't just spring this on us!

- I mean, how could you do that?
- I-I just took

- a huge salary cut.
- It's so unfair!

So it is really not a good time

- for me to move.
- Me neither.

I just took a leave of absence from work

to spend more time with my family.

Well, I have two babies and
a special needs husband.

It's true. I have a medical condition

that requires a room big
enough for a giant mattress.

He sleep-wiggles.

Look, if one of you doesn't volunteer,

your mother's gonna
have to pick someone.

Well, Haley's the oldest.
There's four of them.

And honestly, it's only a matter of time

before she gets pregnant again.

- [SCOFFS]
- Especially since he's a wiggler.

Whoa! We can say it.

Well, Alex is the one that
has the most education.

[SCOFFS] I shouldn't be
penalized for being smart.

I'm not running for president.

What about you?
Didn't you apply to college?

Yeah, and I never heard back from them.
College is rude.

Okay! You can figure this
out amongst the three of you

as you clean up the house.

We need a name by the end of the day.

LUKE: Well, it's not gonna be me.

I just can't imagine being
apart from my best friend.

Nice try, Luke.

[WHISPERING] Help me. It's working.

Oh, come on.

[DOOR OPENS]

[UP-TEMPO MUSIC PLAYS ON STEREO]

Hey, Cam. Look!

Cam! Cam!

Oh, s... I'm sorry.
My... My mind was elsewhere. [CHUCKLES]

Our neighbor just dropped this off.

So sweet! And... And guess what.

- She's a pediatrician.
- Ohh!

- I mean, how lucky is that?
- JOTHAM: Ohh!

That's amazing!
Now you don't have to ugly up the house

with baby-proofing.

Don't ever have kids.

There's champagne, there's truffles,

- there's caviar.
- Ohh, city folk, huh?!

I mean, whatever happened
to a basket of apples

and a thoughtfully misspelled note?!

I mean, huh? It's like...

Alright, give us a tour,

- and make sure it includes the bar.
- Yes!

Okay, so let's start down
in the karaoke room,

and then we'll work our
way up to the master.

Oh, sounds like my dream date!

Sorry, I'm a single father.
I never get out.

Is this still how we talk?

Okay. No. Uh, alright. Right this way.

Okay, I hope the big earthquake
that we're long overdue for

doesn't hit while you're down there!

You're being so negative.

- What is wrong with you?
- Okay, look, I have to tell someone,

but you cannot repeat it to anyone,
especially Mitchell!

- Oh.
- I just got offered

the football job that
I wanted in Missouri.

But you just moved in!

- I know.
- With a newborn!

- I know!
- And you were the one pushing for both!

I don't need a recap! It's my crisis!

We're here!

MITCHELL: Hey! Hey, guys!

Wow! Joe, nice haircut!

- See?
- See?

- I miss his old hair.
- STEFAN: It's cute.

He looks like Tom Cruise in
"A Few Good Men."

I wouldn't mind cruising a few good men.

Again, I'm sorry.

I spend all my time at kids'
birthday parties.

We're really probably
better than this now, right?

- Yeah.
- JAY: Anyways,

we brought you a housewarming gift.

- Oh.
- Jay deserves all the credit.

- Close your eyes.
- Maybe never open them.

- Ta-da!
- [ALL GASP]

He's an old-time barkeep.
Now, check it out.

He's a big guy, like Cam,

and he's got red hair, like you!

MITCHELL: Dad!

This is exactly what we needed...
a little whimsy!

I love it!

No, you don't. Other gays, tell him.

[ALL SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]

We're gonna have so
much fun with this guy.

We can throw a-an Uncle Sam hat on him

for the 4th of July,
a pilgrim hat for Thanksgiving.

Or a rainbow wig for... for Pride.

Well, it's a piece of art.
I don't think you want to make it silly.

So, does this, uh,
big fella have a name?

Sure does. Since he's a combo
of Cam and Mitch, he's Kitsch.

- [LAUGHTER]
- Oh, yeah!

Yes, he is! Dad, it's perfect!

Great. Now Mitchell's even happier.

I'm gonna die in this house.

- Hi.
- Alex. Hi.

Come in. Have a seat. [CHUCKLES]

So, um...

So, I guess I'll just get right into it.

I-I didn't see this coming

when I asked you to work with me,

- and I guess I'm sort of afraid...
- [ITEMS CLATTER]

...how you... how...
how you might react,

which, uh, explains why
I'm acting so awkwardly

and why this sentence won't seem to end,

which is so delightful
when Hugh Grant does it,

but I just sound like a raving...

- Let me stop you.
- Please do.

I think I know what
you're trying to say.

Uh, it appears there's some
romantic tension between us,

and you're afraid that
once I sign my contract,

we won't be able to act on it.

Uh... actually,

I was... I was just going to tell you

that our project has been
moved to Switzerland.

Damn it, Haley!

Well, [SCOFFS] then why
were you hemming and hawing

and bringing up Hugh Grant, which
takes every girl right to rom-com?!

Well, I was afraid that you
wouldn't want to move so far.

And... And... And...
And [SIGHS] you know, I feel responsible

for you quitting your job.

Forget what I said!
So, uh, Switzerland, huh?

- Do they pay for housing?
- Um, actually, yeah.

Perfect. Perfect.
That solves a big problem for me.

Yep. Count me in. See ya at the airport.

- Oh, hold on!
- Ohh!

Um, it seems like there's something

that we should circle back to.

No, no, no. I'm fine.

Alex, I've never c-considered

a romantic relationship with you.

- Oh, great. Let's relive it.
- I mean, I'm so much older.

I-I-I dated your sister.

All good reasons.
I'm at a meter, so I'm just...

But if it's something
that isn't completely

out of the realm of possibility for you,

then I'd be lying if I said

it was out of the realm
of possibility for me.

- Oh. Okay.
- So, let's go back.

You're saying that if we had
a pre-existing relationship,

or rather, a relationship that
existed in a quantum state,

like two entangled particles...

You don't have to dumb it down, but...

but, yes,

we'd be good to go, legally speaking.

Huh.

Well, then, maybe
we should create evidence now

of a relationship that may
or may not happen later?

What kind of evidence?

I suppose we could exchange saucy texts.

- Seems logical.
- Yeah?

Okay.

[CELLPHONE CLICKING]

[CELLPHONE SWISHES]

[ALERT CHIMES]

"You look beautiful today"?

- Is that too much?
- No! No, no, no.

I... But... But maybe
delete mine, or just read it...

Oh, my God!

You're so much better at this than I am!

[WHISPERING] Didn't have to send that.

Maybe we should take a photo, you know?

Proof that we were together?

[NORMAL VOICE] Uh,
maybe a kiss on the cheek?

Yeah. How provocative.

- Yeah! [CHUCKLES]
- [CHUCKLES] Okay.

Um, uh,

and one, two, three. Mwah.

- Oh, God!
- Oh. Oh! Oh!

- Good God! I'm so sorry.
- Oh!

I-I-I thought my...
my lips and your cheek.

No, I-I thought you meant your cheek.

- No!
- Wow! Oh! Okay.

- Well, that... that... We have it.
- Yeah.

- We have it, and that's super important.
- Well done, us!

Oh, good God. Oh, just great.

[UP-TEMPO MUSIC PLAYING ON STEREO]

- Hello, you two!
- Hi!

- How about a little quiche?
- Oh! How European.

Mwah. Mwah.

Oh, Ronaldo, what's your secret?

Mm, Cam got offered that
coaching job in Missouri,

and Pepper got his eighth face lift.

- What?!
- [SIGHS] I know.

We don't buy soup anymore

because he can't close
his mouth all the way.

Cam! You got the job!

- And you're moving.
- Damn it, Ronaldo.

Apparently, Pepper's not the only
one who can't keep his mouth closed.

Go. Serve your little apps.

[SIGHS]

I can't believe this.

Okay, don't panic.
I'm... I'm gonna turn it down.

Oh, really?
But it's what you've always wanted.

I know, but Mitchell, he's...

- [LAUGHTER]
- I've never seen him so happy.

And I can't ruin that.

I'm... I'm not even gonna
tell him I got the offer.

Well, look, I-I am not a fan

of the idea of you guys leaving,

but if you don't tell Mitchell,

you're gonna end up resenting him.

No, that's... that's not how I'm built.

I make decisions,
move forward, don't look back.

No regrets.

- [GLASS CLINKS]
- MITCHELL: Hey, everyone?

Um, I just want
to thank you all for coming

to see our new home

and meet our precious
new roommate, Rexford.

[LAUGHTER]

And, uh, I also want to thank
my wonderful husband, Cam,

who really led the charge and
made all of this possible.

I-I couldn't be happier right now,

and it's all because of him.

Now, if I could just get him to
give up hogging the covers, huh?

[LAUGHTER]

'Cause I haven't given
up enough for you!

[ALL GASP]

This is so embarrassing.

I just realized Ronaldo
was offering me quiche.

So, y-you were never gonna tell
me you got offered the job?

It's just that you seemed so happy,

and I couldn't ask you to give that up.

Cam, you've been wanting to move closer

to your family for years,

and... and this is your dream job.

No.

No. T-This is my chance
to be there for you.

Are you sure?

Look, I-I don't care where we live,

as... as long
as you're there by my side.

Always.

- Aww! - Aww!
- Aww! - Aww!

Alright, now let's celebrate
with some champagne!

Yeah!

Mitchell. Mitchell. That was beautiful.

Well, everyone was looking at me.

What the [BLEEP] was I supposed to say?

[DOOR CLOSES]

How are you feeling?

Uh, it's gonna be weird without
them being here all the time.

Plus, they got the new kid.

- Hmm.
- Poor guy's gonna grow up

with those Missouri closets,

- thinking that's normal.
- [LIQUID POURS]

It was sweet how Mitch
didn't have to think twice about going.

Well, it's like he said,
it's his turn to support Cam.

Almost the same thing
I'm trying to do for you,

except I'm pissing you off.

Because you won't do anything
the way that I would do it!

I don't see anyone else complaining.

That's the worst part...
that nobody needs me.

It's 2020. I shouldn't be
losing jobs to an old white man.

[SNIFFLES]

When Manny gets homesick,

who do you think he's gonna call?

When Joe has a nightmare,
who does he want?

And when I'm sitting here

already sad about Mitchell leaving,

who do you think I want
to walk into this room?

- Me?
- Of course!

And I think I know what's going on here.

You're feeling guilty
about working. Don't.

Do you think I ever felt guilty working

while you held down the fort here?

- You sure didn't.
- No, and now it's time

for you to go out into the world
and crush it.

While you hold down the fort

and look pretty?

Well, I'm not just a sex object.

I have other gifts.

[CAR ALARM CHIRPS]

[SIGHS]

- That was a crazy day.
- Yeah.

I think I'm gonna be
up for a while tonight.

You want to buckle yourself into bed

and I'll drive you around
till you fall asleep?

[LAUGHS]

You know, I-I don't want
to sleep in the driveway.

I don't. I want to sleep in our house,

with our kids... all of them.

[SIGHS]

With what's going on
with Mitchell and Cam,

I just feel like we're losing
enough family as it is.

It's funny.

- I was feeling that, too.
- Mm.

- You came down so hard on them earlier.
- Mm.

- I'll go give 'em the good news.
- Like hell you will!

[GRUNTS]

- Hey! - Hi!
- Oh, good. You're home.

Yeah. Are your brother and sister here?

I want to talk about this
whole living situation.

- Yeah.
- Actually, problem solved.

- What?
- I'm moving to Switzerland.

- What?
- They're transferring my research team there.

I get housing and everything.

So you're good.

Like, hot chocolate Switzerland?

HALEY: Oh, hey!

- Did you tell them our news?
- Uh, just mine.

Dylan and I are moving out, too.

- Oh.
- Oh, but you don't have to!

Well, we want to. You guys are right.

It's time for us to go.

We did the math, and we realized
we had a million dollars.

[CHUCKLES]

Then we had Alex check the math,
and turns out we don't,

but we do have enough
for a cute apartment.

DYLAN:
Now that they don't test on animals,

I've made extra money doing
clinical trials at work.

The hours are long,
but the mazes are fun.

[DOOR OPENS]

Sweet. You're all here.

Everyone can relax.
I'll be the one who goes.

- Oh.
- Oh, no, no, Luke.

- It's okay.
- No, no, no, no.

I lied before.

I actually did hear back

from the University of Oregon.

I got in.

- Oh, honey!
- Amazing!

That's wonderful!

- [LAUGHS]
- We're so proud of you!

- That's amazing, Luke!
- Yeah. Congrats.

Wait. You're... You're all moving out?

Really? We are?

- Yeah.
- Weird.

[CELLPHONE CHIMES]

Oh! It's Arvin.

Sorry, I've got to respond to it.

It's a work thing. [SIGHS]

I've got to get ready. I've got a date.

[BABIES CRYING]

Oh, there they are.

Bet you're not gonna miss that.

- [DOOR OPENS]
- ALEX: Oh! Luke, I'm in here!

- LUKE: What are you doing?!
- Oh, get out!

[DOOR SLAMS]

[BABIES CRYING]

I am gonna miss this.

[SNIFFLES]

Me too.

Hey. Everybody's gone.

Look. [SIGHS]

I haven't called the college yet.

I wanted to talk to you first.

I know you were being generous
up there, and...

You know me. I-I can be happy anywhere.

No, seriously.

After some time,
I-I'll forget all about this place.

We named our son after the street.

So we'll just change his
name to the new street.

The coach's house is at the intersection

of Route 13 and Burnt Corn Lane.

Dear God, what are we doing?

I-I'm not gonna... I'm not gonna fit in.

- [SIGHS]
- W-What if no one likes me? What if I can't find a job?

Are there... Are there lattes?

A-Are there art house theaters?
Well, what if... what if I never see

a black-and-white movie or...
or a black-and-white couple?

Hey. Where are we on this move?

Well, that's what Daddy and I

are talking about right now, sweetie.

'Cause I have a major
project due on Tuesday,

and I'm not saying I haven't started it,

but if you asked to see
what I've done so far,

there wouldn't be anything.

We're going.

A-Are you sure?

I-I'm gonna need a
little time to adjust,

but we... we are going.

Are you okay with that?

Totally. I'll reinvent myself.

I'm gonna dye my hair blue

and carry around an
emotional support pig.

Aww! I kn... I know just the pig!

Cam, well, call the college.

Okay! I just want this
to be the right thing.

If... If this ends up
hurting the family,

- I would never forgive myself.
- No, no.

We're stronger than that, okay?
We're gonna be fine.

- [VOICE BREAKING] Yeah.
- ["ENDLESS LOVE" PLAYS]

Not... Not now, Lily.

You guys are gonna end up singing.
Just get to it.

Excuse me, young lady.

We're... We're having a-a
serious conversation here, okay?

Do not reduce us to a
couple stereotypical...

♪ My love ♪

♪ There's only you in my li-ife ♪

♪ The only thing that's bright ♪

Now you.

Why do I always have to
sing the female part?

[HIGH-PITCHED] ♪ My first love ♪

♪ You're every breath that I take ♪

I didn't think this through.

♪ You're every step I make ♪

I do not like being the
first person at a party.

Uh, oh, actually, you're the last one.

Yeah, Sal, everybody's gone.

What?! Boo!

Gays used to be so fun, before kids.

Come on! Let's do shots!

You know this house is only
a block from my new place.

- [INHALES SHARPLY]
- Well, it's not "mine,"

but I get to stay there for free

'cause I let the guy who
owns it watch me on webcams.

[GASPS] Aah!

I'm gonna be coming over all the time!

Yay! [CHUCKLES]

And, um, Happy Face Emoji here
can babysit my dogs and kid.

And you guys cook, right?

Ahh, 'cause my gummy's kicking in.

- Actually, I'm feeling better about the move already.
- Good.

- [CELLPHONE CHIMES]
- Oh! Uh, Cam, our car's here.

[VOICE BREAKING] Oh.
So, this is really it?

CAMERON:
We are gonna miss you all so much.

And, here, I want you to read this,

but not until after I leave.

It's gonna make me cry, isn't it,

- you beautiful, corn-fed son of a bitch?
- [SOBS]

You guys are gonna visit, right?

Of course.
And you all are gonna visit us.

It's just a couple quick flights

and a short Goober
ride from the airport.

- Did he just say...
- Wait, isn't Grandpa coming?

He said goodbye last night.

- You know how he hates these things.
- GLORIA: Yeah.

I can't believe I'm losing
my old skating partner.

Well, whenever you look
at our old trophy,

just remember what a good team
we were, huh?

I said I wasn't gonna cry.

- And you're not.
- Yeah. It's called strength.

- [GASPS]
- JOE: He came!

- [FAMILY "AWW" S] - PHIL: Hey!
- I couldn't miss this.

My baby boy is going away.

- Oh, Dad.
- CAMERON: Oh, Jay, don't hate me

because your son's leaving.

Both my sons are leaving.

- MITCHELL: Aww.
- [VOICE BREAKING] Oh, Jay! Jay!

- CLAIRE: Oh, my God.
- Oh, get in here. Get in here. Get in here.

JAY: A lot can happen to
a family over the years.

- New additions...
- Hi. - [COOING]

- Get that!
- Manny, go!

...new struggles.

Give me a second.

You don't always mark the moments,

because you're too busy
taking care of life.

Best you can do sometimes

is remind yourself to
cherish every single...

- [CELLPHONE CHIMES]
- Oh. [SNIFFLES]

There's a tornado warning in Missouri.

Uh, our flight's delayed
two hours, so...

- Oh.
- Oh. - Oh.

[ALL MURMURING]

- Uh, yeah.
- [DOOR OPENS]

[SIGHS]

You guys remembered my birthday!

[LAUGHS]

TOGETHER: Surprise.

It's nice we have this
extra time together,

thanks to that lucky tornado.

It hit an elementary school, Phil.

Well, no kids were there.

It's opening day of
squirrel-hunting season.

Jay, do you want to come
and join your family?

Jay! He's been like this a lot lately...

in his own world.

Well, it's a tough time.

Mitch and Cam leaving,

Manny heading out next week,

plus I'm missing his birthday
for a tumbling congress in the desert.

You've probably heard of it.
Turning Man?

And don't forget that Joe and I

are leaving to Colombia
for the whole summer.

- How's that gonna be for Jay?
- Rough.

If you drive past my house

and see me sock-sliding past the window

with a scotch in my hand,

that's just how I deal with grief.

Not to, uh, rush this,

but we are very behind on
packing for our new place.

You know, we still need to
box up all the baby stuff,

- our linens, our book.
- [CELLPHONE CHIMES]

Well, don't stress out too much.

- The... The car is here.
- Okay.

- CLAIRE: Oh.
- PHIL: So [SIGHS]

this is goodbye again.

MITCHELL: [SIGHS] Yeah.

It's gonna take a minute
to ramp back up to all the emotion...

[VOICE BREAKING] I'm there.

- [FAMILY "AWW" S]
- Get in here. Get in here.

- Yes.
- MITCHELL: Come on.

- [CELLPHONE CHIMES]
- Sorry. One second. One second.

- I need my arm.
- Oh.

Huh. Flood warnings this time.

Oh, and a swarm of locusts has
been spotted in the flight path.

What part of the Old
Testament are we moving to?

[BIRDS CHIRPING]

Is it alive?

No.

Is it scissors?

Sure.

No, but you said
it was heavier than a piano!

I just want this to be over.

- Can we be done with games?
- Yes.

- [FAMILY MURMURS IN AGREEMENT]
- Yeah, we're done.

Your Earl Grey.

Oh, thank you.

[SLURPS] Ugh!

Is there vinegar in here?

Congratulations. You're dead!

Never take a drink if you
haven't watched it be made.

Uh, he saw this special called
"You Cruise, You Lose,"

and he's convinced something bad
is going to happen to me on my trip.

If this had been the real thing,
you'd be on a container ship

halfway to the slave markets in Tripoli.

- [CELLPHONE CHIMES]
- Oh, our car's a minute away.

- Okay.
- Alright.

Goodbyes Part 3. And please, no hugs.

- [CLEARS THROAT]
- Lay off my linen suit.

It's already as wrinkled
as my favorite pig

when she lost all that weight.

Oh, c-can we take one last
picture by the staircase?

Oh, great idea.
I just don't think you have the time.

Alright, no gushiness.
You know the drill.

Love, kiss, hug,
"See ya at Thanksgiving."

- Okay.
- Love, kiss, hug, "See ya at Thanksgiving."

[ALL SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY]

- Do not look back.
- Yeah, good idea.

You know,
I don't think I could take the sight

of their tear-streaked faces
pressed against the glass.

In many ways, it's easier for us.

I mean, we're off to a new adventure,

and they're stuck
in the same dull, mirthless...

FAMILY MEMBERS: Cheese!

You're taking a family
picture without us?!

[INDISTINCT TALKING]

- Okay, well, you have made leaving a lot easier...
- [SIGHS]

...because, clearly,
what this family needs

- is some time apart.
- Uh-huh.

- Let's...
- [CELLPHONE CHIMES]

Uh-oh.

Did any of us really not think
that was gonna happen?

- Hail this time.
- [SIGHS]

Okay, Mitchell,
now that we have this moment,

I'm pretty sure you
have the skating trophy.

Um, I recently packed up
my entire house twice.

I think I would notice my
only sports trophy, Claire.

- Well, I haven't packed up my house at all...
- I don't have the trophy!

- ...and I know that I don't have it.
- Stop!

Neither of you has it.

You argued endlessly about
which room it was going into

until your mother grabbed it
and donated it back to the skating rink.

- Ohh.
- Ohh.

Okay, well,
now our only option is the 9:00 p.m.

Fortunately,
it's a direct flight into Kansas City

and then just a short hop on HamTrak,
so...

- Did you just say "Ham"...
- JAY: Fine.

Everybody get on with their day.
We'll meet back here later.

- Okay.
- Well, we got to pack.

Oh, we love our new place, by the way.

Thanks again for putting in

a good word for us with the owner.

Yeah, he just needed some reassurance,

considering most of Dylan's money

is tied up in Dave &
Buster's gift cards.

- Mm.
- Safer than banks.

So, just because I'm curious...

Yeah, it's a livestock train,
but people ride it, too.

But don't worry,
we're in first class with the show hogs.

[CHUCKLES]

Mitchell,
we skated our little hearts out

to "Hungry Like the Wolf"
for this thing.

I'm taking it. Damn it, it's locked.

You brought me here to steal?!

I can't go to jail.
I am a gay prosecutor.

There's no prison gangs for that.

Relax. Just keep an eye out.

W-What are you doing?
You... You know how to pick a lock?

Luke's always getting
locked into something.

Between that and trying to
break into Haley's diary,

I'm kind of a pro.

By the way,
thanks for getting her on birth control.

Oh, yeah, what are uncles for?

Oh, security. Be cool.

Hi.

How many nights did we spend
in these exact same positions?

Me doing homework by flashlight,

and you inventing new
illnesses to get out of P.E.

Oh, yeah! Remember when I had frumbles?

- [BOTH LAUGH]
- [GASPS]

How about when Luke
would have nightmares

and drag his sleeping bag in here?

- [SIGHING] Oh.
- We'd wait till he fell asleep,

light candles, put on devil masks,

- and wake him up.
- [LAUGHS]

He still can't form
long-term attachments.

- [LAUGHS]
- [CHUCKLES]

Couldn't have been easy
having us as big sisters.

So...

maybe before we all move out,

we should mess with him
one last time, right?

Oh, yeah.

It was 2005,

and we desperately wanted a dog.

So we made a video to
convince our parents

that we could be responsible dog owners.

The dog, of course,
was played by a 6-year-old Luke.

- [CHUCKLES]
- He'd already had ringworm that summer,

so he had an entryway into the role.

Luke!

Okay. Okay. Get up here.

- Okay.
- Okay, alright.

- [BOTH GASP]
- HALEY: What was that?

- Oh, my God! The Woofie tape!
- Oh, no! Oh!

You cracked it. Mom's gonna go insane!

- [SIGHS]
- She watches it every year on Mother's Day!

- This is bad. This is bad. This is bad!
- Oh.

- What should we do?
- This probably won't work,

- but...
- Say it!

- We could re-create it with you as the dog again...
- Mm.

...as a sweet gesture to
make up for what you've done.

- There.
- [SIGHS]

Wait a minute.

The Woofie ears just happen to be here?

I must be the luckiest bastard alive.

Let's do this.

[INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS IN DISTANCE]

- So, Missouri, huh?
- Yeah.

- You know, I'm... I'm actually feeling pretty good about it.
- Uh-huh.

There are a lot of really great
career opportunities there.

And with my experience,
I could become a judge.

And we're clear. Hmm.

It's a pretty exciting time for you,
too, huh?

- Mm-hmm.
- Yeah? Big new job

at that storage-and-container company...

- Yeah.
- ...kids moving out.

They're not.

But I thought that they...

- They're not.
- Oh! Okay.

Haven't even started the job yet,

and you're already compartmentalizing.

And you're already judging.

This isn't working.

Hey, let's just forget it. Come on.

- [SIGHS]
- Oh. Oh, my God.

The claw machine.

- Oh.
- Come on!

Remember how we killed at that?

- Yeah. Yeah.
- You on the claw, me scouting from the side?

- Aww.
- Wait a minute.

- Give me a boost.
- What?

- Yeah, give me a boost.
- What are you doing? What are you doing?

Okay, alright. This is our chance.

Okay. Now go down, down.

We got to go forward.
And d-down more. Down more.

- Claw. Claw it.
- Claw. Clawing.

- Clawing, claw.
- Okay, don't get cocky.

That's how we lost the Garfield bank.

Whoa, whoa, whoa!

- I got it! I got it! I got it!
- You almost have it.

- Got it! I got it. I got it.
- You have it! Yes! That's us! Okay.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

- Alright. Let's go. Let's go. Let's go.
- We got it.

Okay, don't worry.
This time, we'll share it.

But I get it first.

- [LAUGHS]
- Oh, my God. That was so fun!

- Oh, I never do stuff like this with anybody but you.
- [SIGHS]

Well, also because
I'm an adult with ethics.

- [CHUCKLES]
- We make a great team.

Oh, my God. It just hit me.

This might be the last time that we...

No, no, no. No, no.
We already said goodbye twice.

- Keep it light.
- It's just that some

of my best memories
are of you and me here.

That... There, that's it. I'm done.

Would you say... you're hungry for more?

Hungry like...

♪ Dark in the city, night is a wire ♪

- Ha!
- Ha!

♪ In touch with the ground ♪

♪ I'm on the hunt, I'm after you ♪

- This is more sexual than I remember it being.
- Yeah.

♪ Scent and a sound,
I'm lost and I'm found ♪

I'm starting to think we
won for the wrong reasons.

- ♪ And I'm hungry like the wolf ♪
- [BOTH HOWL]

That's it.

We're finally out of my hot sauce.

Jay, are you hungry?

Jay?

What's wrong with him?

Is everything gonna be okay, Mommy?

You're scaring us.

Oh, it's okay, buddy.

Jay is just going through
something right...

Idiot!

I hope you like dancing for coins

on the streets of Calcutta.

JAY:
I found more hot sauce in the garage.

Muy caliente.

Oof! I almost gave it away, there.

I got a big surprise
for Gloria in the works.

I'm learning Spanish.

Every chance I get, I pop my earbuds in,

learn a few lessons.

Jay, do you want to come
and join your family?

[MAN SPEAKS SPANISH]

JAY: Program's even got a cool feature.

Any phrase I want to learn,
I just say it in English,

and it spits it right
back at me in Español.

I'm sorry, I mean "Spanish."

I go back and forth
without even noticing.

Loco!

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Hey, you're sure now's not a bad time

to borrow your garment steamer?

Of course not.
And this thing's a marvel.

Who knew George Foreman had one
more in him after his grill?

- Phil.
- Hey.

I'm so glad that you're here.

Do you remember that little problem
that I told you I had?

Everyone has dreams like that.

The Japanese have a whole
genre of comic books about it.

No, no, no. It's about Jay.

I don't know if he's losing his hearing

or he's depressed or what.

Probably he's ashamed
to talk to me, but...

But not to his best friend. Say no more.

I just need you to fill
a spaghetti pot with water and boil it.

How is that gonna help?

Oh, it's a backup for Cam's suit.

I lost all confidence in George Foreman

after his teeth-whitening
system burned my gums.

Table for two, please.

Are you my waiter?

Hey, Jay. How you doing?

This isn't what I wanted.

I know you might be
feeling a little down

with everybody leaving,

but it's not the end
of the world, right?

I'm finished here.

Hey, don't you talk like that.

Could I please have a spoon?

Wh...

Whatever you need...

buddy.

- Ahh.
- Whoa!

- What?!
- What the hell are you doing?!

What?! I thought that's what you wanted!

- What, to spoon with me?!
- Yes.

Slightly out of character, yes,
but it's an emotional time!

Everything's changing! I'm...

- I was worried about you.
- I'm fine, Phil.

And I'm changing, too.

I'm learning Spanish to surprise Gloria!

Of course.

[INHALES DEEPLY]

Well, then, having added

yet another embarrassing incident

to our storied history,
I will slink out.

Hey.

Today can't be easy for you either.

And I appreciate you're worried
about me, but...

maybe start thinking...

what you want your next chapter to be.

Thanks, Jay.

[STEAMER HISSING]

Oh, uh, Gloria? Gloria?

I noticed your mascara was still intact,

so I assume you haven't had
a chance to read my note.

- No, not yet.
- Oh, well, you know, it will be hard on both of us,

but there's...
there's no time like the present.

Hmm.

[CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY]

Aww, Cam.

Oh, uh, G-Gloria,
maybe you didn't notice

that there's a second side to my note.

And you know what? Maybe it would help

if I played the music that I
used while I was composing it.

Oh, oh. [SNIFFLES]

[SOMBER STRING MUSIC PLAYS]

So nice.

- [CELLPHONE BEEPS, MUSIC STOPS]
- What? Nice?

It was the perfect goodbye letter.

It's "The Notebook"
meets the first 10 minutes of "Up."

It was enough to make you curse God

for giving you the ability to love.

It was a poem where every line started

with a letter of my name.

Okay, alright, I...
I know what you're doing.

You're putting up walls around your...
your feelings,

because you're not emotionally prepared

to let go of someone you love so dearly.

Manny.

Oh, yeah. He's leaving, too.

21 years.

Five careers.

Two husbands.

He was the only constant.

I can't start crying
to him about this now,

- because I might never stop.
- Yes.

I don't want to put all that on him.

Yes, I know, but those feelings
have to go somewhere, Gloria.

Why don't you do what I did...
put them in writing?

That might work.

- Thank you, Cam.
- No.

- No, Gloria.
- [SNIFFLES]

Thank you.

Thank you for allowing me

to be your guide to spiritual awakening

the last 12 years.

It has been... a true privilege.

What are you talking about?

We've been alone maybe like eight times.

Shh.

Soar.

Hi, Mommy and Daddy.

We know you don't think that
we can take care of a dog,

but you haven't met our dog, Woofie.

- Woof!
- No barking, Woofie.

- But you just said to...
- Bad dog! Bad dog!

- Ow!
- No!

And don't worry, we'll always remember

to feed him and keep him healthy.

Is there a pill in here?

So, you don't want a shiny coat?

And don't worry,
we'll make sure he gets along

with other dogs. See you in a few hours.

Hours?

- WOMAN: Come on.
- Oh.

You guys are probably worried

he's going to get the house all dirty.

Well, we know how to handle that.

Wait. How are we gonna do the...

Ugh! [GRUNTING]

So, as you can see, we can do this.

We know a dog's a lot of work,

but we'll never have to do it alone.

Yeah, it will always be the three of us.

Always.

The end.

[BEEP]

You guys know you can call me
anytime, right?

And it's easy
to visit Switzerland, so...

And I can still count on you

- for relationship advice, right?
- Yeah.

I don't want to become
one of those pathetic guys

that lets women manipulate them.

We're gonna be fine.

Sit.

Stay.

- [SIGHS]
- [HANDCUFFS CLICK]

- Joe!
- JOE: Too late.

I just sold your kidney on
the black market in Zanzibar.

Joe, your brother's
trying to take a bath.

Privacy, please.

Oh, Mom!

Mom, no.

[SIGHS]

Thank you.

I know that you're the
poet in the family,

but I wrote you a little something.

[SIGHS]

[PAPER RUSTLING]

[SIGHS] Oh, Mom.

I'm the lucky one.

I'm gonna miss you so much,
but I am so excited

that you're going to have
adventures on your own.

Have the best year, Manny.

I will.

And I'm gonna miss you, too.

Come back in one piece.

I promise.

- [HANDCUFF LOCKS]
- What?

- Talk is cheap.
- Mom!

What... How am I supposed to get out?!

You have everything you
need to figure it out.

Slow down your heartbeat,
look at your surroundings.

Uh, Mom, wait. Mo... Mom!

[FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING]

Wow.

- This room.
- Yeah.

You okay?

It just got me thinking

about the empty house
we first moved into.

Couple of newlyweds planning
a cross-country trip,

but I kept getting morning sickness.

Yeah. [CHUCKLES]

- Six months later [SNAPS FINGERS]...
- Wah, wah, wah.

You carried two boxes, Dylan.

I carried two humans.

Yes, Poppy and George. Who else?

- [CELLPHONE BEEPS]
- We got the hang of it pretty fast.

Yeah, we were feeling pretty
smart for a while and...

Guys, I'm on the phone with
the landlord in Geneva.

The apartment he has
is 4 1/2 by 11 meters.

Quick, what does that work
out to in square footage?!

[MUTTERING] Meters and yards...

Yeah, no, no. I'm still here.

- Bigger than... Are they bigger than?
- Well...

- Oh, do you have this?
- That one's kind of ridiculous. I'll have to get back to you.

No, no, I was just following
the path of this fly.

Ugh! I'll do it. Okay, give me a second.

[LUKE SIGHS]

Which one of you has
the steadiest hands?

HALEY: Oh, Luke,

we got a second key the
last time that happened.

It's in the kitchen drawer. Come on.

[LUKE GRUNTS]

So, that's pretty much...

25 years of uninterrupted crazy.

Then, when it ends... it ends.

Until our next chapter.

I'm just brainstorming here, but, uh...

maybe we take a long-delayed RV trip

across the United States,

get selfies with all the
Major League baseball mascots.

I must really love you,
'cause that sounds fun.

[SIGHS]

[VOICE BREAKING] They're really leaving.

What do we do?

[SOBBING]

[VOICE BREAKING] What
people have always done.

Leave the porch light on.

They come back.

- MITCHELL: [CLEARS THROAT]
- CAMERON: Everyone!

I would like to, um, say a few words

before our car comes.

Two simple words, actually...
thank you...

- [FAMILY "AWW" S]
- Aww, Cam.

...for making me feel so
welcome in this family.

- Of course. We love you.
- You are family.

A family that taught me so much.

From Jay, I learned to get to the point.

- [LIGHT LAUGHTER]
- From little Joe, I learned...

Cam, we only have a few minutes.
Why don't...

Why don't we take that family picture,
huh?

Yeah, let's do that.

- Great idea.
- You got Rex?

LILY: I got him.

LUKE: Hey.

I know people tend

to get mushy in moments like this,

but with you headed around the world

and me headed off to college...

[VOICE BREAKING] We'll stay close.

How come you never wrote a poem for me?

Don't you get it?

They were all for you.

[SIGHS]

Chaqueta.

Sombrero.

What are you?

I know you're masculine.

- What is wrong with you?
- What are you talking about?

You're acting crazy,
and it's scaring me.

You're too young to be
acting like an old man.

[SPEAKING SPANISH]_

[SPEAKING SPANISH]_

_

_

I've been using this app, you know,

so I'll know what's going on

when I go with you to
Colombia this summer.

[GASPS] You're coming?!

You've been staring at
my family for 12 years.

Least I can do is stare
at yours for one summer.

You're wonderful.

But no staring,

and never, ever
take the same route twice.

Ay, Jay, you're gonna love it.

- [INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS]
- Okay, everybody, squeeze in.

Squeeze in for the picture.

Okay.

Yeah. Yep. Okay.

- Alright.
- [CHUCKLES]

[CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS]

Perfect. I got it!

- Okay.
- [LAUGHS]

- [CAM SNIFFLES]
- I kind of don't want to let go.

- [CHUCKLING]
- Yeah.

- Yeah, me neither.
- [SNIFFLES]

[VOICE BREAKING] I mean,
it's Mitch and Cam now, but...

it's these three next.

[SIGHS]

Who knows when we'll all be
together again. [SNIFFLES]

Why is this so hard?

We've done this like
seven times already today.

- [LIGHT LAUGHTER]
- It's hard because not everybody gets to have what we have.

[INHALES SHARPLY] Oh.

Mitchell, I put the skating
trophy in your suitcase.

- I want you to have it first...
- Ohh.

...so that I know you'll come back.

[CHUCKLES]

Okay, um... I'm gonna set an example

and be the first one to let go.

♪♪

It was awful.

♪♪

JAY: Life is full of change...

some big, some small.

I learned a long time ago,
you can fight it...

CAMERON: Oh!

...or you can try to
make the best of it.

JAY: Ay! Ay! Ay!

[BOTH SHOUTING IN SPANISH]

And that's all a lot easier

- if you've got people who love you...
- Hey.

...helping you face
whatever life throws at you.

At least,
that's what helps me sleep at night.

[CRICKETS CHIRPING]

- Subtitles by explosiveskull
corrected by sot26 - www.addic7ed.com

♪♪

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