Original subtitles

Cheers.

Mm.

Aah.

LOUD CRUNCH

HE CRUNCHES LOUDLY

MUMBLES: Oh, bloody hell.

Put them on the...

HE RINSES HIS MOUTH

The rooms are amazing, aren't they? Eh? Have you got a jacuzzi bath?

Yeah. Yeah. Wow.

Can you believe we're getting married, there, tomorrow?

Yeah. Um...

Do we really need to stay in different rooms? Yeah, yeah.

I know it's stupid, but it's tradition.

Yeah, but if we spend the night together, who's going to know?

My nan. She's got a sixth sense.

Right.

Drink? Yeah.

I need you to promise me... Yeah.

..you're going to get from here to the castle

in your suit, on time, tomorrow, no problems.

Yeah, I will. Don't worry.

Oh, they've got Scrabble. Fancy a game? In a pub?

No. Not really.

Come on, quick game of Scrabble

before we have to go our separate ways. No, I don't want to play it.

Why? Because...it's a pub, there'll be two letters missing.

They've got to do the food, change the barrels, clean the lines,

do the staff rota, clean the floor every night AND serve customers -

who's going to be checking all the letters are there?

There's always two letters missing!

I reckon all the letters will be there. No, they won't!

SHE SIGHS I can't handle this.

What do you mean you can't handle it? You're just so optimistic.

All right, forget Scrabble, it's fine. Move on.

Connect Four! No!

Because the thing at the bottom will be loose

and all the pieces will fall out and we won't be able to relax.

Oh, THERE they are! Oh!

The happy couple.

Isn't the hotel lovely? Yes, Nan.

Are you all right? Yeah. What's up, love?

Just a bit emotional. Oh. Um...

Maybe I should stay with her tonight.

Not on your nelly.

Yeah, yeah, I was joking.

HE SIGHS

When you aren't able to relax, just focus on your breathing.

Yeah, I know, mate, but sorry to keep going on about this, but...

..she's not acted like this before,

like, I think she's getting cold feet. Hey, hey, hey, hey.

Come back to me, yeah? Come on. Come on.

Find your chi and centre your breath.

Big Daddy Coops is here for you. Hm.

Go on, breathe in for me.

And breathe out.

There we go. Nice big breath in.

And out.

Right, I'm going back to my room cos you're really annoying me.

DOOR CLOSES

HE BREATHES DEEPLY

COCK CROWS

CHURCH BELL RINGS

KNOCK AT DOOR

HE CLEARS HIS THROAT

All right. You all right?

These best man duties never end.

Here's your suit. Yeah, cheers, mate.

Did you get any sleep in the end? Yeah, barely.

Kept imagining Jemma calling off the wedding.

Where would I go?

I'd have to move back in with you.

I don't think I can go back to no door on the bathroom

and you sleep-walking round with, you know, tinfoil on your head

talking about chicken dinners and stuff.

Hey, hey, come here, come here. Yeah. Now, listen.

You stop cutting out that coupon cos it ain't that big of a deal.

Yeah? Jemma's fine, yeah?

She's having her hair done now. Come on.

Yeah. Yeah.

WHISPER: There we go.

She was definitely being weird last night, though, Coops.

Are you sure she's all right? It's all good. Yeah?

I mean, she was crying just now when I saw her...

..and when I saw her earlier,

but apart from that, she seemed all right, yeah?

You're just nervous. You need to calm down.

Do you want to go for a couple of beers, settle ourselves?

No. No, I'm going to stay here, have a bath,

get in my suit and stay out of trouble.

Yeah, all right, mate. All right. Um...

Crying crying? Like...

Well, yeah, but, you know, it's an emotional day, isn't it?

Her dad was in the bar earlier having a little cry to himself too.

Who else has been crying?

Ooh...

COOPS MUMBLES

Have you been crying?

What?

No.

Well, I mean...

It's been a stressful morning, mate.

I had to put a suit on a baby.

That's your best man.

MOTOR RUMBLES

PHONE HONKS

What's up?

Is Jemma all right? Cooper said she'd been crying.

Ah, she's all right.

She just got a bit worked up that you'd cause some sort of situation

and ruin the wedding. She's not crying, she's fine.

Has she got cold feet? It's all going to be fine.

All you've got to do is get yourself over to that courtyard

in your suit, on time, without any issues.

I will. Good.

Now, I'd better get these tissues over to Jemma. She's run out again.

Right.

Sorry, what?

Oh, oh... Ah. Ay!

Oh, no.

HE TAKES A DEEP BREATH

HE PANTS

HE SPITS

Ah.

Um...

Hy! Hy! Huh!

Hi, Auntie. Hello, love.

Um, I think you and Jordan have got each other's suits.

Ah...! LESLIE LAUGHS

Thank God for that!

Um, now, these are a bit wet.

Sorry.

Little accident in the bathroom.

Um...

OK.

Oh, um...

Be quick, then. SHE LAUGHS AWKWARDLY

KNOCK AT DOOR It's open.

DOOR OPENS CARPET SQUELCHES

Looking good, mate.

What happened here?

Don't ask. There you go. Thank you.

How is she? Yeah, you know, uh...

..people deal with things in different ways.

Listen, she's going to calm down and be fine. What?

Look, one thing I've learned on my journey

down the dusty road of life... Yeah, no, enough of that now.

I've had enough. I'm calling her. If she's having second thoughts,

I'd rather nip this in the bud now. Ah, OK, all right. Yeah.

Oh...

Jemma, you look beautiful.

This is breaking tradition.

I literally had to wrestle my nan to come and meet you.

Yeah, well, crying every five minutes is hardly traditional

either, is it? I know.

I just feel so confused.

This is a massive thing we're doing, what if it's wrong?

What, so you're having second thoughts cos I...

..smashed a TV and...

..asked if you wanted to play a board game in a pub?

FOOTSTEPS APPROACH

No, it's not you.

Is it cos we can't get pregnant?

Cos we will. No, it's not that, but, look, we're so different.

You're so optimistic and I feel bad because I'm not.

I don't understand.

I can't just hope for the best and let things happen to me in life.

Everything isn't always all right.

I was convinced you'd get in some sort of calamity

and ruin the whole wedding.

But I haven't.

Then, what were all the bubbles coming out of your window?

Uh, that was a mistake with the jacuzzi bath.

There were so many of them, Leslie.

Look, I'm not a complete idiot.

I don't think everything is going to be fine ALL the time.

Don't you? No.

I mean, I've hardly slept

thinking you're going to call off this wedding, to be honest.

I just feel so confused.

Well, I love you more than anything.

And I want to marry you more than anything.

But if you don't feel the same way...

..then you just need to tell me now.

You know, whatever you decide, I promise...

..it'll be totally cool.

I'm so sorry.

I just got scared that you were going to ruin everything,

and now I have.

Hey. No, come here, come here.

You haven't... You haven't ruined anything.

SHE SOBS

It's not even started yet.

I know.

We just won't tell people about this bit.

I love you so much.

Let's get married.

Leslie, come on.

What is it? Come on.

I don't think I can.

I want to spend my whole life with you, come on.

Please.

I can't, Jem.

I can't.

Why?

I've got my finger stuck in the castle.

What?

I've got my finger...

..stuck in the castle.

You've what?

Right, while we were talking just then,

uh, I found a hole...

..and I stuck my finger in it - I was just curious, I suppose -

and I can't get it out.

Get it out.

I've been trying a while, but I think it's swelling up.

Not today. This can't happen today!

Argh, argh!

See? We are so close!

COOPER: Here we go.

LESLIE WINCES

I have not paid all this money

for you to get your finger stuck in a castle.

No, no, no, it's just swelling up worse.

It's not actually a castle, it's a Tudor gatehouse.

Told you. Really?

Well, whatever it is, he's stuck in it.

I'm going to my van. We need some power tools.

No. You can't do that.

No-one can touch this wall

without a senior representative of the National Heritage present.

But they need to get married now.

I mean, you do have to ask yourself what are old stones

compared to living people? Yes! Yes.

Is not the institution of marriage older than any castle?

Tudor gatehouse. Please.

I have done a grand on the flowers alone.

I'll go and call them, but it is a Saturday.

You know, I saw this documentary one time about a wolf

who chewed off his own arm to escape a trap.

Do wolves have arms? Well...legs.

So your suggestion is I chew off my leg, Coop? Yeah... Mm.

Yeah, I didn't really think about it.

Anyway, I'm off to the bar.

I'm going to work on my speech. Yeah. I might add this to it.

Yeah, you crack on, mate.

Look how many people are here already.

I need to finish getting ready.

Oh, uh...

Everything's going to be fine. I'll be out of here in a minute.

I am going to the petrol station to get some WD-40.

You wait there, Leslie. Yeah.

Yeah.

HE STRAINS

HE SIGHS

RINGING TONE

Hello, what service do you require?

Um, hello. Uh, fire brigade, I think.

Transferring.

LINE RINGS

Hello, fire brigade. Oh, hello.

Um, I've got my finger stuck in a castle. OK.

How big is the castle?

Oh, um...

Yeah, it's pretty big.

Sorry, I wouldn't like to guess. Is it important?

Could you make your way to A&E?

No.

Do you have no-one to drive you? Could you get a taxi?

Right, sorry, I don't think you understand -

I've got my finger stuck in a castle.

A toy castle?

No, a real castle.

There's a hole in a wall,

I stuck my finger in and I can't get it out.

Sorry, is this an emergency?

Yeah. It's my wedding day.

So which castle are you stuck in, please?

It's Bamworth Castle.

Oh, yes, the Tudor gatehouse.

Well... Hold the line, please.

Here he is, the groom!

How are you feeling? Hello? Yeah, great, yeah.

Aw. Hello?

You look lovely. Aw.

Aw.

So do you.

Sorry, we thought we were late.

Oh, no, you're all right.

It's running a bit behind. Oh.

So...

Are you coming over? Yeah, in a minute.

I'm just going to wait here and...

..get my head together.

Oh. Aw, OK.

See you in a bit. See you later. Be good. Behave yourselves, fellas.

LESLIE LAUGHS

Hey, yeah, hello. Sorry about that. Um...

How quickly could you get someone out to me?

Hello?

Hello...

LAUGHTER

LESLIE WINCES

SPRAY HISSES

Here, I brought you a little extra present.

Open it later.

Go on, wiggle it. I am.

I knew something was going to go wrong today, I knew it,

I just didn't think it would be this bad.

Well, it could be worse.

How, Nan? How can it be worse than this?

Chris, I can't hold it any longer.

You're going to have to get me something to wee in.

Oh, good, that's how. Great.

I reckon it's going to be fine, Jem.

We might get in the paper.

Look how beautiful it looks.

Oh, come on, don't start crying again.

Well, I'm marrying a man who's got his finger stuck in a castle, Nan,

and if the person from the National Heritage doesn't turn up,

I might not even be doing that.

It's a Tudor gatehouse.

Oh, thank you.

Right, if we can't get him to the wedding,

we'll have to bring the wedding to him.

OK? We can move it all over if every single one of us carries something.

Yes, except for you, Leslie.

# Let me take you by the hand, lady

# You don't have to walk alone

# If I fall behind, keep going, I'll catch you

# You're not solo any more

# Bending round all the places we have been

# Somersaults on funny nights

# We'll look back at this and laugh, believe me

# Dirty windows and long goodbyes

# Looking everywhere for change to save us

# Anything to help us out

# Tea and toast and hanging round the pavements

# We're gonna show 'em what it's all about

# Hmm-hmm, hmm-mm. #

And we're done.

OK, get him out.

MUSIC PLAYS IN DISTANCE, PEOPLE LAUGH AND CHAT

How's the reception going?

Everyone's having a really nice time. Oh, good.

I'm really sorry about the first dance.

I was looking forward to that. That's OK.

I just danced on my own for ages and everyone stared, it was weird.

Really?

No.

OK.

I'm really happy, Jem.

Me too.

Keep still!

Oh, I don't believe it! Oh! Thanks so much, guys.

Do you know, this wall has stood here undamaged for 600 years,

now look at it.

Yeah, well, um...

..at least there's a story to it now.

What?

Are you aware of the history of this building?

All right, chill out, mate, it's only a Tudor gatehouse.

Aw, yeah.

Thanks so much for coming out, mate.

I am just taking my apron back.

Oh, I'm so sorry.

Thank you, though.

Right, Mrs Winner... HE CHUCKLES

..there's a dance floor with our name on it.

I just...

I can't really face it yet.

Can we just go to the pub for one, just you and me.

Yeah, whatever you want, babe. Is that OK? Yeah, course.

Listen, mate, whoever built it,

they shouldn't have left a hole in it.

Like, someone was bound to get their finger stuck eventually.

HE GROWLS

See ya.

WHISPERS: Sorry. I'll just get that.

Thank you.

Ay! Ay! Argh! Oh, sorry. I'm so sorry. Yep.

There we go.

Cheers.

Ooh. HE CHUCKLES

Here we go.

Oh.

Mm.

See?

Everything was fine in the end - I told you, it always is.

You all right? Yeah.

Um, I'm just going to nip to the toilet.

Could you get the Scrabble?

I need you to count all of the letters.

I'll be back in a minute.

FOOTSTEPS APPROACH

Well?

Yeah, you were right, two letters missing.

Right. I told you. There's always two missing. Yeah.

Cheers.

I don't want that.

Why?

Because...

Because...

Your nan got you a vape pen?

No.

We're having a baby.

What?

I'm pregnant!

That's why I've been crying all day,

before you got your finger in the castle.

My nan just worked it out.

Really? We're having a baby?

Yeah. We're... Oh, Jem.

It's not a mistake? You're sure? No. Yeah, I'm sure.

Oh, Jem. Oh...

We've got a party to go to.

Yeah. Argh! Oh, sorry. It's all right.

Oh... Yeah.

Cool.

Oh. Sorry. No, it's all right.

HE LAUGHS

Oh... Would you wait one minute?

I've just got to do one thing.

All right.

Here you are, mate, these must have fallen out the box.

# You can take me by the hand maybe

# I'll take a chance or two on you

# Messy afternoons, no start and no end

# A single bed that's made for two

# We'll look back and wonder how we did it

# But for now all I've got is you. #