All language subtitles for Brockmire 4x05 - Double Header (English)

Limon, do I love Jim again?

- Yes.
- Shit!

Previously on "Brockmire"...

- Oh, Jules.
- Hi!

Jim said you two were
working together again.

We just had sex,
so he's a little tuckered out,

but I'll see if I can razz him.

Like if I'm emotional,

it's cause I'm proud of you, darling.

Let me tell you, your mother,

she'd be very, very
proud of you as well.

- How's it going in there?
- _

Give me some privacy.

Left a wide variety of
menstrual options for you.

Pads are easiest, panty
liners if it's a light flow.

And I've been hearing a
lot of good chatter lately

in my moms' group about the Diva cub.

I don't wanna bleed
into a tiny bucket, Dad.

Just let me use a tampon in peace.

You know, the ancient
Egyptians used a tampon.

It was reed wrapped in soft papyrus.

These "pessarions" as they were called

were a luxury of the upper class.

The unrelenting Egyptian
sun combined with the...

well, the less-than-absorbent papyrus

meant that you had to change
the thing once every hour.

Well, if you could afford
to do that, let's just say

you probably owned
yourself a boatload of Jews.

Stop, please. It's done, okay?

Let's never talk about this again.

Hey.

Oh, sweetie, did you
leave the applicator in?

You did, didn't ya?

Gonna have to work out a better
system than this, darling,

'cause it's only the beginning.

I mean, what's gonna happen
when we need to discuss

your upcoming sexual awakening?

I mean, your fertile
years, they are upon us.

- Dad.
- What?

Very treacherous road and, boy,

I'm not wearing the proper shoes for it.

Is there a woman I can talk to?

Oh, I wish.

I wish I knew some sex-positive
woman with enough knowledge...

Oh, shit, I do.

So if you have any
questions about anal sex

or oral sex or any sex, you just ask.

So, you've had all the sex?

All that can be had.

But that's who I am.

There are asexual people out
there who are just as satisfied

with their lives as I am with mine.

You know what, I just want you
to know the important thing is

sex doesn't have to be bad or scary,

and it should...

always feel good.

Oh, I can see that you're
getting overwhelmed.

We are getting ahead of ourselves.

Look, I brought you something.

This is very basic.

It just has three settings,
but for my money,

number two hits the sweet spot.

So we're just gonna put
this right over on the shelf,

and one day, when you are ready,

it will be waiting for you
to begin your own exploration.

Okay?

What happened to "I haven't dated

since I became a single father"?

Who's dating?

- After Lucy's first little visit there,
- _

she would stop by every time
she was in town, and you know...

- We formed an ecosystem.
- Yeah.

Beth needed a maternal figure,

I longed for a sense of family
that didn't feel like a trap,

and Jim was pent up with years

of incredible untapped sexual energy.

Oh, well, hey now, please
don't sell yourself short,

because it was your prowess
that ignited that cannon.

It was.

It's not flattery, Jim,
ask around the sex club.

Your powerful orgasms
have quite the reputation.

- Sex club?
- It's nothing weird.

Look, Lucy and I, we're platonic exes

who occasionally have sex in public,

and sometimes we raise
a daughter together.

- It really is that simple.
- Is it, Lucy?

Can I remind you please,
that, earlier today,

you yelled "boo" right into
my face when I suggested

the possibility of a future together?

I mean, something changed?

Look how sweaty and frazzled she is.

She clearly ran here to
confess her love for you.

Holy shit.

That's not true, is it?

I just listened to you two go on

about your hole filling sessions

like a couple of goddamn
weekly pickup basketball games.

I'm not exactly in the
mood to profess my love.

You love me?

Speech, speech, speech.

I know you mean well,
but that is not gonna help

untangle this clusterfuck.

You're right, I am so sorry.

This is so great. I'm
gonna leave you two

to enjoy this beautiful
moment in private.

Oh, oh, oh, you know, I thought
I had all the Jim out of me,

but it's like a lava
lamp just broke in there.

Excuse me.

I just need to use the restroom.

I'm gonna go now.

Whoa, whoa!

Jules, wait, Jules, hey, come on.

Why can't we just have one
normal chapter in our love story?

'Cause I'm not a normal man, Jules,

and you are not a normal woman.

You are exceptional.

Now I want you to trust me, please.

There is nothing going
on between Lucy and I.

Watch this.

Lucy, we can never, ever have sex again!

Totally fine!

And I like the way things
are trending out there.

Now, please, please,

I'll make whatever commitment
you want me to make.

Gimme that speech

you were itching to
deliver on my doorstep.

I have never been on the receiving end

of a declaration of love before.

Wanna do this thing or not?

I feel like there had to
be more to it than that

because we are the Sid
and Nancy of baseball,

we are reuniting, I mean,
there's a story there...

I am being so cool right
now, all things considered!

You really are. You really are.

And of course I would love
to give things another shot.

You know, in the past,
we never worked out

because I always made
you take care of me, ugh.

I just really wanna
take care of you now.

Well, that's a little better.

Little more of that,
little more of this,

and the three of us might make
it out of this thing alive.

Well, four of us,
'cause my daughter, Beth,

is due here any minute for the weekend.

Boy, I cannot wait for
my two favorite people

to finally meet each other.

Yeah, we don't have to
rush right into that.

Kinda do, because we're coming out

of a little bit of a rough patch.

I need to prove to
her that I have a life

independent of just being her father,

so, well, I need her to
sign off on the relationship.

- What now?
- Hey, Dad.

Beth, hey. Hey, darling.

I'd like for you to meet Julia...

- Oh, Beth!
- Lucy!

Hi, oh, my God!

- You're so beautiful.
- Hi.

- Oh, I'm so proud of you.
- Oh, I missed you so much.

- When did you get in?
- Oh, just a few hours ago.

Look at you, you're so
radiant. I'm so proud of you.

Oh, my God, I have so
much to catch you up on.

So much I have to tell you.

Can you, like, do brunch tomorrow?

- Can you do brunch?
- I wish.

- I'm just in and out.
- No!

No, can you stay a little bit longer?

You can't talk?

I can...

Have brunch tomorrow.

Who are you?

This is Julia James, who
I told you about so often.

O-okay.

And Beth Brockmire's lukewarm "okay"

puts brunch on the table!

Yeah!

Give it up for Envy!

All right, everyone, enjoy your brunch,

and don't forget...
it's bottomless mimosas.

You use cash?

You know you can pay for everything

with your phone now, right?

I know, I just think there's something

more honest about a fistful of singles.

You know, we could have just gone to

a normal brunch place.

This place is a little, uh, 2010s.

Yeah, I asked Limon what
a good place would be

that would be memorable, and, uh...

Oh.

So tell me about, uh, school.
What grade are you in?

Uh, 15th, I guess.

If you wanna call it that.

Yeah.

And what are your favorite subjects.

- Do you like...
- Why are we doing this?

I just... we're just... two girls

having a super fun
girls' bonding brunch.

Excuse me, I'm a little dry here!

Why do I need to bond with you?

I don't know, why do you
need to bond with Lucy?

Well, I mean, Lucy,
she's a feminist pioneer,

she's a sex educator,
she's an entrepreneur.

I actually tried that mojito
flavored lube she invented

and... couldn't get a buzz.

Are you and my dad
getting back together?

Is that something you'd be okay with?

That's what this is?

You need my stamp of approval?

God, we're two different people,

with two completely different lives.

When is he gonna start seeing that?

Aren't you being a little dramatic?

I mean, there are worse things.

I'm sure the people of The
Disputed Lands would kill

for their biggest problem to be

that their daddies love them too much.

You know, my dad always talked about

how great you were, but I don't know.

From where I'm sitting, you're
just a washed up alcoholic

- who blew up a magician.
- He blew himself up.

So because you dated my
dad for a couple months,

like, 15 years ago, you think
you have all of the answers?

I don't know if I have all the answers,

but I'm pretty sure I can solve
your most pressing problem.

- Yeah?
- How 'bout trying to not be

such a bitch all the time?

Help me?

Limon, I really want this place to feel

like a home for all three of us.

That's very thoughtful, Jim.

Probably need to make it
more female-friendly in here.

Tell you what, why don't you
get me a case of Chardonnay,

some magazines about awful, terrible,

horrible, stupid people,
and two more throw pillows

than the common sense
amount for each room.

That's very sexist, Jim.

Yeah, well, so is your mother, Limon.

Occupied.

It's Beth.

Walk away Beth.

You were talking shit back there

like someone who's never
been in a fight before,

and unless you wanna
rectify that right now,

a face-to-face is unwise.

I really have to pee, though, please.

Huh, whoa, okay. Thank God.

Look, I'm not going anywhere

and your dad's not gonna change,

so how's about we just
tell him we fuckin' bonded

and call it a day.

Yeah, sounds great.

Anything to end this nightmare brunch.

Great.

And how do you know if I've
never been in a fight before?

You're a talker, just like he is.

I'm a fighter. Fighters always know.

Hey, let me hit that.

Please.

Good call.

I like to drink on the toilet, too.

Why do you even wanna
get back with my dad?

I mean, in all the stories
he told, he was awful.

Come on, I actually wanna know.

He sees me.

My schemes, my stubbornness,

the drinking, the rage,

and he doesn't just see these as flaws.

He actually finds them delightful.

He's the only one who's
ever loved all of me.

That's kinda sweet.

We never even got a food order in.

By food do you mean booze?

It's how I eat three meals a day.

- All right.
- Okay, okay.

Mmm.

Okay, Dolly!

Can I have another mimosa please?

You got it, sugar.

Hey, what do you say
we get some real drinks,

and turn this brunch into a "drunch".

A Long Island ice tea, please.

Nope, she won't... she won't have that.

Hold on.

Okay, uh, do you guys do Jagerbombs?

Okay, you just give me five minutes,

and bring me a scotch
while I deal with this.

- Okay.
- Yeah?

Are you cutting me off?

What is going on?

You walk into a bar
with the name Brockmire,

people expect a certain
level of professionalism.

Instead it's amateur hour.

Well, I don't know, I never got to meet

Jim Brockmire, legendary drunk.

All I had was my dad,
who's a teetotaling hawk

who would sniff my breath
anytime I came home after dark.

Did nobody ever teach you how to drink?

Especially not someone
who could pick it all up

on their corporate credit card.

Credit card? Don't you know

you can pay for everything
on your phone now?

Okay, baseball, baseball,

baseball, baseball... this is
now officially a business meeting.

so let's reach for that top shelf.

- Yeah?
- Yes, okay.

- Here's the thing.
- Mm-hmm.

The alcohol you drink
is who you wanna be.

When you order a Long Island ice tea,

you're telling the world,
"I'm gonna suck your dick,

but then I'm gonna puke all
over it afterwards", all right?

Now, I used to drink white wine

'cause I wanted to be
day drunk all night long.

Now I drink whiskey

'cause I just prefer
to be mean and numb.

That sounds sad.

I want something fun, like, vodka?

Vodka's too clean.
It's like for girls on diets

and doctors getting drunk
in hospital parking lots.

You seem like a gin girl.

Yeah, comes on strong,
great finish, distinct,

not for everybody.

Gin it is.

Two Pimm's cups!

Oh, wait, can I just get the scotch?

? I'm gonna show you ?

? What a woman can do ?

? Ooh ?

? 'Cause I've got a fashion,
let me shine it on you ?

Congrats on shutting this place down,

but can y'all please settle
up when you get a chance?

Mm, we just started bonding.

I just need a little bit more time.

Girl, I got places to be,

and these shoes are giving me corns.

Understood, we do not
want those corns to pop.

- Hey, Beth!
- Huh?

What's the magic words?

Baseball, baseball,
baseball, baseball, baby!

We just would like this
business meeting to continue

for another hour

by renting this room for 5K.

One hour.

? I'm gonna give you something ?

- Hm.
- ? That you never forget ?

? You better take cover
'cause I'm coming for you ?

? On a high wire, I'm a live wire ?

The hell are they, Limon?
They've been gone for hours.

They have their privacy settings on.

I can tell you they're safe.

Nobody's safe in this world.
Are you stupid?

Are you a stupid, stupid robot?

Keep yelling at me, Jim.
It'll make you feel better.

I'm not yelling, Limon,

and please don't tell me what to do,

you stupid little piss-colored

know-it-all piece of shit!

I'm sorry you feel that way.

You're a smug little smiling
bastard, you know that?

I'm sorry, Limon, I'm a little on edge.

I'm just kinda freaking out.

Where are they?

You know what, Jules?

I think you're pretty cool.

I give you permission
to date my dad, yes.

Oh, but never tell me what to do,

because I do not need a mom,
and I am a grown woman.

I can make my own terrible decisions.

Speaking of, how's film school?

Oh, so I'm working on
my first film, right,

and it's this long form
found footage essay.

It's kind of like Adam Curtis's
"HyperNormalisation"

except I use clips from
rom-coms from the early 2000s

to show how love was sold

at the start of late stage capitalism.

So it's eight hours of, like,
socialism and Kate Hudson?

That sounds awful,
never show that to me.

You sound just like my dad.

Hey, he's honest.

Mm-hmm.

Yeah, I guess that's something.

I mean, he's smothering
and he's codependent,

and he spent way more time doing my hair

than I would ever admit to my therapist,

but he keeps it straight with me,

even when it's hard.

Cheers, Dad.

Oh, and just for the
record it's nine hours,

and just for that I'm gonna play it

at your goddamn rehearsal dinner.

You need to understand.

Hey, I know them.

What's happening in The Disputed Lands

is only natural.

The desert takes what it is owed.

- So you know a death cult?
- Uh-huh.

Every loss of life
to natural disaster...

is another offer

of repentance.

Hey!

My mom died in a super typhoon,

and you're saying she's
some kind of sacrifice?

I'm saying your mother had it coming.

We all have it coming.

Oh, shit.

Gotta work on your exit strategy.

Okay.

God, Jules, you know, you're right.

That felt so much
better than just talking.

Right?

Jules, we should really

do this again, right?

Oh.

You know, my mom died,
too, when I was young.

- Really?
- Mm-hmm.

I don't know if I have any
memories of her, though.

And the ones that I have are so faded,

I don't even know if
they really happened.

Oh, no, that's so sad for you.

I'm so sorry 'cause, see,

I feel like I remember my mom,

like, really well, 'cause my dad told me

all these stories of them,
in their time together.

He says I remind him of her every day.

I know her. I'm so sorry.

Whoa.

Whoa. Ha ha ha.

Mama needs to nap.

Hi!

Um, where the hell have you been?

Bonding.

Why are you wearing fake tits?

Oh, right, this are,
it's a business expense.

- Very baseball, baseball.
- Baseball, baseball,

- baseball, baseball.
- Baseball, baseball.

It's just... you heard us
say baseball, so that's...

It's...

Oh, wow.

Oh, that's...

Mission accomplished.

Did you get a chance to...
clean the Lucy juice

off the sheets?

The hell is the matter with you?

And so we close the sign of...

Beth, you okay? Honey?

Honey!

The hell did ya do to her?

Going drink for drink with
me is always a bad idea.

You know that.

Honey, what's the big deal?

Uh, the big deal is
I'm an alcoholic, okay?

My greatest fear in life is that,

the awful gift that my father gave me,

I'm gonna pass it along to her.

I mean, I've never seen
her like that before.

- It's frickin' terrifying.
- Okay.

You asked me to take her to brunch.

And, to me, brunch is just an excuse

to publicly drink in the mornings.

But I will be very careful
with her and alcohol

in the future.

All right, okay, look,
the important thing is

you're both safe and
everybody's okay, I guess.

For the record, I
think the fight thing's

gonna be really good for her.

I'm sorr... the fight thing?
What fight thing?

She punched a cult leader in the balls.

I was so proud of her.
I get parenting now.

Beth punched a cult leader in the balls?

Relax, nobody got hurt.

I had my sweet baby on me.

You flashed a gun on
a New York City street?

Prospect Park, and I just shot one off

in the air to escape among the scatter.

- Okay.
- You can take the girl

- out of Morristown...
- Get out, get out.

- What?
- You know my daughter

less than 24 hours, you already got her

into a drunken brawl
that ended in gunplay.

Can't have anybody around my family

with this poor impulse control.

Get outta here.

Uh, I've got 500 boxes of
tampons for Jim Brockmire.

Ah, Jesus Christ.

Why'd you order 500 boxes of tampons?

And a case of Pamprins.

In a moment of weakness, I thought

we all might actually
have a life here together,

but I was insane.

500 boxes?

I'm beating down menopause's door.

Well, you know what,
you can take 'em with ya

as a lovely parting gift.
Just get outta here, please.

You wanna be the hero of this story?

Well, while you're on your high horse,

answer me this.

How'd all your memories of Manila

suddenly come flooding back to you?

You told me you couldn't
remember anything.

Your goal, in those days,
was to drink to forget

as soon as you could remember to try.

What was I supposed to say?
"Sorry, Beth,

I don't remember your mother.

I was black out drunk the
night you were conceived".

'Cause I know, that's
great parenting advice.

Great parenting is not lying
to your daughter every day.

You don't know shit about that woman.

So stop making up stories

just so you can feel
like you're a good dad.

You know what, this was
a really big mistake.

Yeah, huge.

- Synced and corrected by Firefly -
- www.addic7ed.com -