Original subtitles

[Tires Screeching] [Horn Honking]

[Keyboard Clacking]

Mr. Williamson.

Where is he? He's not in.

He's in there, isn't he? No, really...

I don't believe you, ma'am.

You can't go in there! Mr. Williamson!

It's incredible, isn't it?

Mm, yeah. ' Williamson City."

That's very... impressive.

Does it make you feel proud? [Chuckles]

Haah! Haah! Mr. Williamson!

Mr. Williamson.

I said, ' Where is he?" At the construction site.

Huh.

[Heavy Machinery Clanking]

Where's Markham? [Man] He's up there.

- Markham up there? - Who?

Markham.! Markham.! He's not up here. I think he's over on the bridge.

Hey, Mr. Markham! Mr. Markham!

I saw him five minutes ago when he came in. What are you yelling about?

Why do people have to scream?

Thank you, thank you.

Boy, that guy's sure in a hurry. Yes, he is.

You wanted to talk about the dedication later, Mr. Markham?

No, Carl, I want to talk about it right now. What time is it scheduled to start?

9:00 in the morning, sir.

And you've got the seats facing east?

East? Oh, is that east? Oh, yeah, that's east.

Now, we don't want the people looking into the sun, do we, Carl? No, sir.

I'll rearrange the seats, Mr. Markham. Thank you, Carl.

Beau! What a pleasant surprise!

Didrt know you were here. What?

Wherd you get back? Just in time, it looks like!

- What's the matter? - Williamson City, that's what's the matter!

- Ah, you spoke to your wife? - No, I didn't speak to my wife.

I just got back from eight weeks in Europe, and I find she's off at some phony health farm.

Well, maybe I better explain in detail. You don't have to explain anything. Do you know what else I found?

A bunch of letters between you and her and about a mile-high stack of blueprints!

Well, it's the most revolutionary concept I ever had.

Boy, you know, Jennifer and I assumed you'd be delighted. Delighted?

Let me tell ya, nobody throws a lasso around my money without my consent, and that includes my wife,

and you had better believe it! Well, you were in Europe. There's no way to get in touch with you.

You could've waited! We were positive you'd agree!

Agree? Heh! Forget it, boy! The joyride is over!

Well, but the machinery's already been set in motion. Well, then you unset it!

And I'll tell ya somethir else. Don't ever speak to my wife or me again.

She's too young to recognize a con man when she sees one.

And I suggest you consider what you're saying. You're not talking to one of your underlings now.

Oh, listen, I know exactly who I'm talking to. Beau, Beau. Listen, listen.

This project can give you immortality. As long as that city stands, your name will be remembered.

Name? I'm gonna tell you somethir, Jackson boy.

My wallet is a lot more important to me than my name.

You really are a philistine, aren't you? What?

All you care about is money. You wouldn't recognize art if you fell over it.

We have a chance to do something extraordinary here, and you're trying to ruin it.

That's right, right, right!

And if you're on some kind of an ego trip, you find somebody else to pay for it.

Beau, I have a thought. Would you commission me to design your burial vault?

Hm! That'd be about your speed, yeah. You really would like to see me dead, wouldn't ya?

Well, I'll tell you somethir. It wouldn't count for much. Well, maybe your wife will have other ideas.

No, no. Don't mean a thing. Because, you see, when I die, all of my money goes into trust.

Oh, Jennifer'll get her share every year. You can count on that.

But there won't be any cash to build cities with.

Oh, and if you're thinkir of any uglies,

forget it.

Mr. Markham, Beau Williamson was here. Get his wife on the phone right away.

She's in Palm Springs at some health farm. Golden Dunes Retreat?

That's the one! Get her!

She is there, isn't she?

I see.

Well, when will she be available?

All right. Thank you. Williamson do that?

Yes, sir. He just barged right in, and when he saw it... All right. Never mind. Did you reach Jennifer?

They wouldn't put the call through to her. The guests aren't allowed to have telephones.

Call her back. It's important.

I'm sorry, but they said the guests can't make or receive calls during their stay.

I see.

Then she's virtually incommunicado.

No telegrams, no outside visitors.

Just wheat germ and pushups.

When does she get reprieved?

Oh, she'll be back in time for the dedication ceremonies.

Thanks, Miss Sherman. I think I love you.

I needed that.

[Chuckling] Beautiful, beautiful!

Hey, Freddy!

That is absolutely beautiful!

Bring that beauty back here! What have you been doir to him anyway?

He's improved a lot since you've been gone, Mr. Williamson. Oh, I can see that. I can see that.

Thank you, sir. Listen, you keep workir him like that. I'll be back in a few days, check him out.

I'll take him back to the barn and cool him off. You better. You better. Hey, hey!

Huh! Gee!

[Chuckles] Hey, yeah, man.

Beautiful!

I don't believe it. Hey!

Cool him out easy.!

Ahh.

[Exhales]

[Clicking] [Grunting]

♫ [Country Instrumental On Stereo]

Hello, Beau.

Surprised?

What are you doing in my car? Waiting for you.

Get yourself killed that way. Or the reverse.

Get out.

Over there.

♫ [Classical Music On Stereo]

[Doorbell Ringing]

[Light Switch Clicks]

[Indistinct Clattering]

♫ [Classical Continues]

[Applause]

That's, uh... Thank you. Sit down, please.

Thank you very much.

Well, as usual, I feel like an expectant father.

But contrary to the norm, each one seems to get more difficult for me.

I'm just grateful I have so many wonderful friends.

You know, I'd like to also take this opportunity...[Continues, Indistinct] Hey. Where you goir?

Over there. No one's allowed in there.

What do you mean, no one's allowed? I see 30 people down there.

No one's allowed in there without an invitation.

You have an invitation? No, I don't have an invitation.

[Laughs] That's what I'm trying to tell you. You have no invitation,

so, out.

Actually, I'm a lieutenant in the police. My name is Columbo. Oh, lieutenant.

Here. You know, and I came here... Oh.

I'm just coming here to look for somebody. Who are you looking for, Lieutenant?

A Mrs. Williamson. Well, I'll tell you, Lieutenant, lot of people here.

Why don't you wander around? Maybe you'll bump into her.

I see. Thank you very much. Okay.

Bye ya.

[Markham] Yes. You've heard this before, but you understand, it's a fantastic building, really.

Yes. You see, it's to be 32-stories high.

It's revolutionary in concept, really,

because they won't be offices so much as living modules...

almost cocoons where a man can coordinate his, uh...

his activities... outside the context of mere business.

In fact, if he chooses, it can become, virtually, a second home,

a kind of a... a remarkable place of mobility and freedom.

I don't know how the wives'll feel about that, of course, but...

In any case, these units will be for sale for all those who qualify.

You're asking about the price earlier. We've been, uh...

Well, we haven't quite figured it out. We've been dickering around somewhere between 30,000 and...

35,000, 36,000 per unit, of course. Excuse me. Excuse me. Excuse me.

Uh, something you want?

Well, I didn't mean to interrupt like this and barge in, but I'm looking for a Mrs. Williamson.

I'm Mrs. Williamson. Mrs. Beau Williamson?

- That's right. - And who might you be?

Uh, Lieutenant Columbo. You called the police? I did?

Well, that's what they told me. Lieutenant, I may not be the brightest lady in the world,

but I do know whether I made a phone call or not.

Obviously, it's some kind of mix-up.

Well, I'd like to get this thing straightened out.

- Can anybody tell me where Mr. Williamson is? - I don't know.

- You mean he's missing? - Well, to be absent is not necessarily to be missing, Lieutenant.

I assume you understand the distinction.

It's just that he's out of town on business.

And really, Lieutenant, I didn't call the police.

Well, this is very, very weird, because...

they told me that they got a call from a Mrs. Williamson,

and she said that her husband was missing and he might even be dead.

Oh, that's ridiculous. Wait a minute... Goldie.

Who's Goldie? My husband's first wife. She must've called you.

Well, why would she do that? I guess because Beau's been out of the country for eight weeks,

and he came back on business for a day, and I suppose, left again.

She gets a little tense when the alimony checks are late.

But that's hardly a reason to call the police.

Well, Goldie's a little possessive. Is that the word?

They've been divorced a long time, but she still can't give up the ghost.

Mr. Williamsors a globetrotter. Sometimes he takes off at a moment's notice.

Doesrt even tellJennifer.

No kidding. Just... Yeah, well, I'm sure he'll show up in a few weeks.

If you'll excuse us, if you've covered everything.

[Columbo] Uh, say, did you build this?

No. No, one of my staff did that. Oh.

Yeah, come on. You want some? Yes.

Excuse me, please.

Excuse me. Excuse me. A little on the slow side here.

Forgive me a moment. I just wanted to stop by and tell you that's a terrific building.

I mean it. I know a lot of people like the old-fashioned stuff, but I figure you gotta keep an open mind.

You have a new fan. Yes.

Oh, absolutely. It's just marvelous.

Uh, tell me, how did you two meet?

Oh, Mr. Markham designed a summer house for us. It's incredible.

Really, it's a work of genius. Jennifer tends to get carried away, Lieutenant.

But you are a genius, and when everyone sees your plans for Williamson City, you'll be buried in commissions.

- Mm-hmm. - Uh, what is Williamson City?

I'm superstitious, darling. Let's not talk about our project till it's hatched.

You'll have to excuse us, Lieutenant. One of the obligations of the trade... have to mingle.

Oh, sure. Listen, uh, sorry to bother you.

No bother at all. Oh, and don't worry about my husband, Lieutenant.

Believe me, he's very much alive.

He's dead, I tell you. I can feel it in my spine.

Little lower, honey. Ouch! That's it.

I know more about Beau Williamson than that little lady'll learn in a lifetime.

Yeah, but you... Lover, take my word for it. He has shuffled off this veil of tears.

But how do you know that? Because he always calls me before he leaves town, and this time he didn't.

Yeah, but if he didn't call you, how do you know he left town? I spoke with the child bride.

You mean Mrs. Williamson. The current Mrs. Williamson.

I call her the next ex.

Oh, don't get me wrong, lover. She's half my age and twice as pretty, but I like her.

[Chuckles]

Beau reached the point where he thought he needed a younger woman, and she's better than most.

I gotta say this for you, you got a pretty healthy attitude.

I can afford it. He pays, you know.

I tell ya, lover, if gold lamé was legal tender, I'd rule the world.

That's enough for today, Miko. I'll see you tomorrow. Say good-bye to the lieutenant.

[Speaking Japanese] Columbo-san.

[Continues In Japanese]

Sayonara. Sayonara, sí.

She's a lovely girl. She is a lovely girl.

Very polite. I don't know what she said, but it sounded like she liked me.

[Laughs] Uh, oh, Lieutenant, would you like to turn around?

I don't want to corrupt you.

Okay, you can turn around now.

Oh, fine. Uh, the point is this, Mrs. Williamson...

My friends call me Goldie, and since I'm standing here practically naked with you,

you better be my friend.

Would you mind repeating that last sentence? I don't think I quite understood. [Chuckles]

I said, since I'm standing here practically naked with you, you better be my friend,

and my friends call me Goldie.

Oh, I see.

Well, Goldie, uh, let me ask you this.

Don't you think it's possible that your ex-husband could've slipped up and left town without calling you?

No way. He never forgets.

Uh, does Mrs. Williamson know this? Why ruin a lovely relationship?

You mean to tell me that your ex-husband is closer to you than he is to his current wife?

Lieutenant, we were married for 22 years.

We never had any children, so we spent a lot of time getting to know one another.

Jennifer gives him youth; for the rest, he comes to me.

Now, even if he leaves town for just a few days, he always lets me know every time.

[Ringing]

Yeah? It's for you.

Hmm. Thank you very much.

Hello? Yes.

Oh.

All right. I'll be right down. Thank you.

They found Beau Williamsors car.

- You see? What did I tell you? - At the airport.

Now, I'm gonna go down and check it out, but it really looks like he left town.

♫ [Country Swing On Stereo]

♫♫ [Stops, Switches To Country Ballad]

♫♫ [Stops]

♫♫ [Classical]

[Goldie] Honey, I've got gold-plated instincts, and I trust 'em.

I am worried sick. But his clothes are gone.

His passport, his suitcase and his car is at the airport.

What more proof do you need?

Uh, excuse me. Did I hear you say that he took his passport?

Well, it isn't here, and he spends a lot of time in Europe.

Oh, yes. That's right. Globetrotter. That's what Mr. Markham called him.

Mm-hmm. Say, I noticed that he likes country and western music.

Does a bear like honey?

I've tried to broaden his tastes a little, but it's impossible. That noise is all he listens to.

Tell me something. Do you ever drive his car?

Me? No. I have my own. What's all this guff about cars and music and passports?

I feel like the original voice in the wilderness.

Don't you two understand? Beau's gone and nobody gives a hoot!

Who is Dr. Moss?

Oh! What?

I see in your husband's appointment book, 'Dr. Moss, 10:45." The 11 th of the month. That's tomorrow.

- You see? He'd never leave town if he had an appointment with his heart specialist. - Oh, he had a bad ticker, did he?

He has a pacemaker, and his heart works perfectly.

The fact that he's missing the appointment proves it's unimportant.

Hey, look at this... blueprints. What's he doing, building a bigger house?

Those are the preliminary plans for Williamson City. Williamson City?

Williamson City. I remember that.

Well, you mentioned that down at the construction site. What is that, exactly?

It's an entire community. Churches, schools,

everything planned from fireplugs to skyscrapers.

- And Mr. Markham, did he design that? - That's right.

I can't imagine Beau springing hard cash for something like that.

Well, there may be some things about him you don't know.

It's possible he's a bit more complicated than you think, Goldie.

The day he came back he saw those plans, and Elliot said he loved them.

Oh, then Mr. Markham saw your husband before he left town.

Mm-hmm. They had a meeting the day he came back,

and Elliot told me all about it.

Are you a policeman? Yes, ma'am. My name is Lt. Columbo.

Uh, excuse me for just one moment.

I was out at the construction site. I don't know if you remember me or not.

Well, is something wrong? Oh, no, no, no. No, nothing's wrong.

No, I wanted to speak to Mr. Markham. Is he in there?

I'm sorry, Lieutenant. He isn't in.

Oh. Well, maybe I could speak to him at home.

He only goes there to sleep. If you want him, you'll find him at the university giving a lecture to his students.

Oh, really? Oh, you mean, he teaches too, huh?

Mr. Markham feels he has a responsibility to share his knowledge.

Boy, I'll tell you somethir, it's a wonder the man finds all the time, right?

Pure energy, Lieutenant. He's a dynamo.

A man like that throws off sparks and never slows down.

Most of us can't keep up with him. But we love it, naturally.

I mean, well, everyone likes to feel that he's participating in something important.

He's an unusual man. Tonight's lecture, for instance, on Egyptian architecture...

pyramids, tombs, things like that.

He gave up his dinner hour to verify a date... not the year, mind you, the date.

He's... Lieutenant?

Lieutenant?

Lieutenant.

Is this where he works? Yes, it is.

Just wonderful.

Marvelous office. Yes, it is.

Spacious. Yes, it is.

Conference room? Yes, it is.

Very handy, isn't it? Yes, it is.

Wonderful. I mean everything... the decor, the paneling, the windows. I'm glad you like it, Lieutenant.

But, really, Mr. Markham doesn't permit anyone in his office... I see he likes music.

Uh, yes. Has it right here in the office, huh?

Yes, he does. Plays it while he's designing. Classical stuff.

Uh-huh. My favorite. Just love it.

♫♫ [Classical]

[Increases Volume]

Really, Lieutenant, it's getting late, [Turns Off

and I have to meet someone for dinner. Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to hold you up like that. Forgive me.

It's just when I start hearing this stuff, I could just listen for hours. I'm sorry.

Yes. Well, if there's nothing else...

No, I don't think there's anything else. Thank you very much. Good night.

Good night.

What happened here? An accident.

Oh. Tsk-tsk-tsk.

Isn't that something?

'Williamson City."

If you ask me, he doesn't deserve it.

Who is that? Beau Williamson.

I know I shouldn't be talking about this, but it's a shame Mr. Markham has to work for a man like that.

You mean, Mr. Williamson did this?

Yes, he just barged right in here the other day and smashed it all to smithereens.

Guess he didn't like it, huh? People like that don't know what they like.

All they care about is what it costs. Too expensive, huh?

Mr. Markham has a saying: You can't put a price tag on genius.

Now, these are built over the course of a generation by an endless supply of slave labor.

Oddly enough, the pharaohs of the time, much like ourselves,

were greatly concerned with the crime rate. [Door Opens]

The tombs were particularly vulnerable because the Egyptians buried...

vast caches of treasure along with their dead royalty.

So aside from being visually impressive with their bulk and simplicity,

the tombs are also a marvel of engineering skills,

built to withstand the onslaught of thieves.

By the way, it's said that some of the engineers who built the pyramids...

were sealed up in their own creations to protect the integrity of the tomb.

Fortunately, today's architects are spared...

that particular indignity. [Students Chuckle]

Lights, please.

Uh, next week we'll move rapidly into the Baroque Period,

and even more rapidly into our first exam.

Now, those of you with failing grades will be permanently entombed,

[Laughing] At least as far as this class is concerned.

Thank you.

[Students Murmuring]

[Door Thuds] Didrt know you had an interest in scholarly pursuits, Lieutenant.

Well, actually, I just came by to ask you a few questions.

Say, that stuff about burying those Egyptians, is that true?

According to some experts.

- Gee, I find that interesting; I mean, particularly for a fella in my line of work. - Why?

Well, you know, the idea of burying a body in a place where you can't find it.

If I ever murdered anybody, uh, that's what I would do.

Well, not many people have access to the pyramids, Lieutenant.

Oh, you wouldn't put 'em in the pyramids today.

No, today you'd have to find another place, like, uh...

Gee, I don't know. You'd have to, uh...

Like the, uh, foundation of a building?

You know, now that you mention it, that would be a terrific place.

I mean, you put a body under a building, you wouldn't find it for a hundred years.

I'll keep that in mind, Lieutenant, in case I kill somebody.

Now, if you'll get to your questions, I haven't had any dinner.

Gee, you know, neither have I. I can offer you some raisins if...

No. No, thank you. Right. I'll tell you why I came by. L...

Would you get that board for me? Oh, certainly.

Uh, yeah.

I came by because I'm still looking into the disappearance of this Beau Williamson fella.

Disappearance. So Goldie's got you convinced now, hmm?

No, no, not necessarily. Oh, by the way, I stopped by your office because I wanted to talk to ya.

- I couldn't help noticing that smashed-up model of Williamson City. - What about it?

Nothing. I was just wondering how it got broken.

Why-Why do I have the feeling that you already know the answer to that question?

Well, your secretary did say something about Mr. Williamson coming in there,

and she said he was kind of mad and he kind of threw things around.

There's a perfectly simple explanation, Lieutenant.

Beau was angry and for good reason.

We went ahead on the project without his permission. It was very undiplomatic of us.

I see.

'Us."

Oh, you mean, you and his wife.

Yes. Well, Jennifer's, uh, an admirer of my work.

Oh, yeah. Yeah, she told me that.

Uh... Uh... Gee, I got a little problem. No, I'll... Here, I'll get it. I'll get it.

Thank you. In any event, Beau came back from his trip, and he saw the plans.

It took him by surprise. Beau is a volatile Texan,

and when he gets angry, well, it shows.

Fortunately, when I explained the project to him, he was delighted.

I see. Happy ending, huh? Hm.

But, uh, won't his disappearance interfere with your plans to move ahead?

Are we really back to that? Lieutenant, all the evidence indicates that he simply left the country.

Well, we did find his car at the airport. There you are. That should prove it.

It should, yeah. But you know, we checked out every flight list,

and there wasrt one Williamson on it.

Lieutenant, Beau is a... He's a high-powered tycoon.

He's got exotic business interests all over the world.

Now, isn't it just possible for reasons not known to us...

that he might occasionally fly under a different name?

Yes. That is possible.

Then I wouldn't worry about it.

Now, if you'll excuse me, a very hungry architect would like to get himself some dinner.

Yeah. You know what's a funny thing about that car?

Car's got a tape machine in it, and the glove compartment is full of cassettes.

Everyone of'em is country and western music. That's all.

And his wife tells me this man doesn't listen to anything else.

Nothing unusual about that.

No, except the radio dial was set at 52. Classical station.

Turned it on. Classical music.

I see.

You want a half a candy bar? No.

Anyway, it seems that whoever was driving that car...

must've been listening to classical music.

It's confusing.

I'm sure you'll find an answer, Lieutenant.

I'm certainly gonna try.

Anyway, thanks for your time.

Oh. Uh, as for your designs,

Mr. Williamson did give you his approval, didn't he?

I already told you, Lieutenant.

- As soon as he got over his anger, he gave me his full support. - Right.

Thanks very much.

- You know, that's some coincidence. - What is?

That music thing. You're a great classical music fan yourself, aren't ya?

I saw your record collection down in the office.

Guilty, Lieutenant. I like classical music, along with a few hundred thousand other people in this city.

Me too. I like it myself. Enjoy your meal.

Yeah, yeah, I know him. He's that Texas guy. What's his name? Uh...

His name is Williamson. He's a very close friend of Mr. Markham's.

Friend, huh? Well, werert they friends?

Not the last time I seen that guy. The last time I saw that guy,

he looked like he was ready to wrap a two-by-four around Mr. Markham's neck.

No kidding. Yeah? When was that?

Hey, look, Lieutenant. I got a building to put up, all right? I'll see ya around.

Yeah, okay. I mean, I don't want to interfere with your work. But, look, there's one other thing.

Hey, look. Talk to Mr. Markham, will ya? I'm just in charge of the nuts and bolts around here.

Well, then you know about those columns. Heh! Not columns. Piles.

Oh, piles. So that's what they're called, huh? Yeah, that's right.

Well, tell me about 'em. Well, I'll tell ya.

First we sink a hollow steel cylinder in the ground.

Then we fill it with cement, and when it hardens, we got a pile.

So that's what a pile is, huh? That's right.

Well, that's interesting. Uh, what do you do? You keep a record when you put 'em in the ground?

Have to, and which one's first.

You mean you could tell me exactly what day each one of these piles was sunk?

The day, the time, how long it took and how many men I had on the job.

Lieutenant.! Still obsessed with pyramids?

Well, it must've been that lecture, Mr. Markham.

I never really noticed buildings before, but I'm interested in 'em now.

Carl, you gonna check on those HVAC estimates for me? Yes, sir.

I'll see you around, Lieutenant. Right.

Hey, tell me the truth, Lieutenant. Are you interested in buildings or builders?

What do you mean? Well, let's look at your itinerary.

You showed up at my office, my lecture, now at my construction site.

Well, actually, I just happen to have some spare time, uh...

Perhaps you should spend your time a little more productively. You're supposed to be tracking down Beau Williamson, aren't ya?

Now, surely, you don't think he's here, do ya?

Well, no. I don't see how he could be.

Well, if you'll forgive me, I'll go back to my work.

Certainly.

I, uh... I assume I can look forward to another visit in the near future?

Well, if anything interesting turns up, I'll surely get in touch with you.

I'm sure you will.

Say, do you have the time? I think my watch is out of order.

It's, uh, 10:30.

I don't wanna be late. I got an appointment at the doctor.

[Air Pumping] Doctor, really,

I never intended to have an exam... Shh!

Just a moment.

Blood pressure's a bit low. Well, that's normal for me. Look, Doctor, really...

I know, you came here to ask me questions. But a checkup never hurts.

Now, do you get enough exercise? Well, I, uh... I walk a bit.

Doctor, listen, I just had a police physical. Can't have too many, Lieutenant.

The human machine is a delicate instrument. There we go. Now, you were saying?

Yeah. This is what I wanna know.

Look, it's 11:20. Mr. Williamson hasn't shown up for his appointment. Mm-hmm.

Now, was this just another routine checkup?

When you have a heart condition that needs a pacemaker, no visit is routine.

You can roll down your sleeve. Oh, yeah.

No, what I mean is this.

Was this particular appointment any more or any less important than the others?

Well, let me put it this way. If Beau Williamson doesn't get to me, or-or any other specialist,

he's running a grave risk with his health.

Well, why is that?

This is a pacemaker.

You mean it's that big? It runs on miniature energy cells.

Well, that's sort of like an electric watch. Exactly.

It regulates a heart that can't keep a steady beat of its own.

Now, every year or so, these energy cells have to be replaced,

or the pacemaker becomes erratic causing the heart to malfunction.

It other words, you could die. Put simply, yes.

Is this a big operation? No, but it is a surgical procedure.

Could another doctor besides yourself perform it?

Naturally. But, uh, knowing Beau Williamson,

I seriously doubt if he'd put himself in the hands of another stranger... no matter how competent.

Mmm. I see. All right, Doc.

Listen, I wanna thank you very much for the time and for the checkup.

Well, it wasrt much of a checkup, but you're welcome.

Now, if you locate Mr. Williamson, tell him to contact me immediately.

All right, I will. I'll do that. Are you looking for something?

Uh, do you have a lighter? You won't find one here, Lieutenant.

And let me give you some free medical advice. Stop smoking those things.

Well, l-I've been trying. Trying isn't good enough.

Remember, I deal in pacemakers.

[Mumbles]

Mm.

[Goldie] Well, lover, are you satisfied?

Goldie, what are you doing here?

Same thing you are, checking up on Beau. He didn't show up, did he?

No.

Columbo, the man is dead. Now, he would never miss an appointment with a doctor.

He was always very nervous about his health.

Now, that may be, but there's no proof.

There's nothing solid to go on yet. Columbo, what does it take to convince you that I'm right? His body?

[Panting] Please, slow down. You're running me ragged.

Well, that's the object of the game.

Isn't there anything you do badly? Yes. Lose.

I don't believe it. Have you ever lost? Come on. You're doing beautifully.

It's just that I don't get my arm back in time. Ready or not, I'm serving.

Oh! That's embarrassing.

Listen, your problem is you're getting your racket back a little late. Throw me a ball.

Can't, we hit them all out. Oh, I'll get it.

No, let me. I'm getting embarrassed to face you.

[Chuckles]

You know in Cannes, they have trained dogs that retrieve tennis balls.

I'll tell Beau somebody's got something on him.

Elliot.!

What's the matter?

[Crying] What's the matter?

[Continues Crying] It's Beau's hat.

A battered, bloodstained hat by itself means next to nothing.

Well, it looks kind of strange though, don't you think?

We don't even know if he was wearing a hat... if he was killed.

We don't. But the question is, where did it come from?

[Exhales] When will the police lab have a report?

Pretty soon. I told them to rush it. [Jennifer] I got them.!

Good. What'd you ask her to get? His army dog tags?

Yes.

You want a drink, Lieutenant? No. Thanks anyhow.

What I could really use is a cigar. Beg your pardon?

Here they are, Lieutenant. Lfinally found them in the attic.

But why you want them, I don't know.

You see, army dog tags usually have a blood type on 'em. Yeah, here it is.

B-positive. I'm sure glad he saved these. A lot of guys usually do.

I still think this is an exercise in futility. We don't even know if it's his hat.

Well, it has to be. It wasrt new, but he had a lot of them around,

and the brim was fixed just the way he always wore it.

Besides, it was custom-made, so the label will be easy enough to check on.

[Phone Rings]

Yes? Just a moment. Lieutenant, it's for you.

Thank you. Hello.

Uh-huh. Uh-huh.

Yeah, that's what I figured. Thank you.

Blood type B-positive. It's the same as your husband's. I'm sorry, ma'am.

Then something did happen to him. He is dead!

Now, Jennifer, you're jumping to conclusions. Don't be hysterical.

Lieutenant, tell her that blood on a hat doesn't necessarily mean that Beau's dead.

Well, that's true. It doesn't. But I say we have a whole new ball game.

♫♫ [Classical On Stereo]

Sorry, strict orders. He doesn't want to be bothered. ♫ [Faint]

He's playing that music awfully loud. Bad mood?

He doesn't have bad moods. Let's just say he's been happier. [Blows]

♫ [Continues]

Miss Sherman!

- Miss Sherman. - Yes, sir?

Would you get Mrs. Williamson, please? Yes, sir.

♫ [Stops]

♫♫ [New Song]

[Intercom Buzzes] Yes?

Mrs. Williamson is on the line. [Line Clicks] Hello?

Hello, Jennifer. How are you? Feeling any better?

I'm not sure how I feel. I just keep thinking about that hat.

Well, that's-that's what I called you about. You know, I may have an explanation for you.

What? Well, I've got to check on a few things before I tell you anything.

You think you can arrange to have Beau's will sent over?

Beau's will? What on earth for? Just trust me.

Get out of there.!

That won't help, Goldie. I've already seen 'em.

You said you wanted to talk, and suddenly I find you poking around in my closet.

Now, you've got no right. Two of Beau's old hats left over from the old days.

I had a hunch there were three on that shelf.

I don't know what you're talking about. Oh, don't you?

Well, you planted that hat. You manufactured the whole show...

just to back up your story that Beau's dead. [Scoffs]

You're reaching, mister. [Chuckles]

Now, what's that? It's Beau's will. It's an interesting document.

Shows why you're so eager to prove he's dead.

Mister, you're farther out than your buildings.

Now, according to this, the minute Beau Williamsors officially dead,

you inerit 25% of his estate.

That's a lot of gold lamé. Much more than you'll ever see in alimony.

Now, you listen to me. You're after me for some reason,

and all I'm trying to do is point out what's plain as the nose on your face.

That will doesn't prove a thing. Suppose we call Lt. Columbo? We'll leave it up to him.

Uh, listen, uh, I can save yourself the trouble.

Ah, the omnipresent constable. What are you doing here?

Well, your maid let me in. She told me you were up here with Mr. Markham.

I hope I'm not interrupting anything. How long were you standing there?

Oh, not very long. I guess I did hear the tail end of what you were saying.

Well, then I guess you know what kind of fertilizer this boy is spreading around.

Well, you know, actually, uh, Mr. Markham, he's making pretty good sense.

I mean, he'd almost make a detective.

That stuff about the will, that's, uh, well, that's good police work.

Thank you, Lieutenant. I thought you were my friend.

Goldie, I am your friend.

And because I'm your friend, I'd like to give you some advice.

I think it would do you a lot of good if you told the truth.

I am telling the truth. Are ya?

You see, I just spoke to that nice Japanese girl that gives you the massages. Miko.

And we had a little trouble understanding each other, but we finally made it.

She told me that she noticed a bandaged cut on the back of your leg this morning,

and it wasrt there yesterday. Pure coincidence. I cut myself shaving.

I also went down to the Bureau of Records and dug up your marriage license.

It turns out that you and Mr. Williamson have the same blood type, B-positive.

That's very good, Lieutenant. Obviously, she took one of her husband's old hats,

added some blood from a self-inflicted wound and left it near the tennis court.

Anything to make it look as if Beau had been murdered.

What about it, ma'am? Oh, and another thing,

the lab tells me that the blood is only 24-hours old.

All right, all right. I did it. I planted the hat.

I was just trying to get everybody off the dime.

I guess I'm in trouble, huh? Falsifying evidence?

There's no real harm done. Surely she didn't break any law?

Your help I don't need.

Well, like Mr. Markham says, there was no harm done.

As far as I'm concerned, I think everybody can forget about it.

Well, and I'll be going.

Oh, Mr. Markham, may I borrow that will for an hour or two?

Well, I'm afraid it isn't mine. It belongs toJennifer.

Why don't I take it back to her? I'm sure dropping it off will take you out of your way.

Well, suit yourself.

Now, let me ask you this question.

Is this the first pile iron you sunk?

Yeah, that's pile D3. We did that the day of the dedication.

You were here, remember? I saw you coming in.

Well, what happens then? You just dig a hole and you just plop the stuff in?

[Carl] We usually dig 'em the day before. I see.

Then you have this big hole sitting there all night?

It's not a safety hazard, Lieutenant. Don't worry about it.

I see, uh-huh. [Honks]

[Carl] Hey, it's Mr. Markham.

[Brakes Squeal]

The lieutenant was looking for you, Mr. Markham.

I'm sure he was. I see you have our building records.

Yes, sir. But he wanted to take a look. Listen, I didn't think you'd mind.

No, of course not. I wouldn't wanna dampen your new interest in architecture.

All right, Carl. Thanks.

Lieutenant, anybody ever tell you you're very much like an arachnid?

A what? A tick. They're quite common, but excessively tenacious.

They hang on. They let go only under extreme prodding.

Well, I never heard of it. [Laughs]

- There it is. - [Columbo] There's what?

Pile D3. What do you mean?

Why don't you dig it up? What?

All right. Come on. You know you want to.

I don't know what you're talking about.

Oh, it's such a marvelous place to-to hide a body.

Crew comes in, digs a hole. Hole sits there overnight.

If I were a murderer... hypothetically speaking, of course... it'd be made to order.

Just drive up, dump the body. The next morning, crew comes in, fills the hole with concrete.

Neat, clean, foolproof.

Well, now, wait a minute. If you were a murderer...

hypothetically, like you say... you're not going to tell this to the police.

Well, why not? You'd never be able to dig it up.

Besides, how do you know I'm not a victim of my own bravado?

How much would it cost? I mean, to actually dig up pile D3?

Just for the sake of curiosity. Well, a great deal more than your bank account, Lieutenant.

To say nothing of the permits, assuming you got permission, which is doubtful.

Mmm. Probably be a mess, wouldn't it?

Well, it's a lot of concrete. Yeah, it sure is.

You really believe that Beau Williamson met with foul play, don't you?

That's astonishing. There's no body, you've no proof.

Aside from Goldie's pathetic attempt at fraud, no motive.

- Well, actually, there is a motive. - Oh?

Oh, yes. It's in Mr. Williamsors will.

You see, before I dropped it off at his wife's house, I stopped by to see my brother-in-law.

Uh, he's an attorney. Nothing big, you understand, but, uh, he's pretty good.

- You've been very busy. - Well, it's just part of the job.

Anyway, he tells me that there's a very interesting clause in that will.

And it says that if Mr. Williamson dies,

his wife, Jennifer, doesn't gain control of the estate.

- Is that so? - Mm.

Yeah, aside from Goldie's 25%, the entire thing goes into a trust.

And the wife, all she gets is the income from the interest.

- How nice for her. - Yeah, it's a lot of money.

But it's a lot less than it takes to finance your city.

You know, you're proving my point, Lieutenant. I have no interest in seeing Beau dead.

- I want the city built. - Yeah, but if he's dead, and it can't be proved,

then legally he's considered alive,

which means his wife can spend the money without restrictions.

You see, she could go right ahead and bankroll your city.

- Quite a lawyer, your brother-in-law. - Yeah, I know. The whole family, we're kind of proud of'im.

As long as he's giving you so much free counsel, I hope there's one other point that he made.

- Uh, what's that? - Well, a man can be declared legally dead without a corpus delicti,

but if you really wanna make a case against someone, it might help if you found the body.

Yeah, I know. See, I figure I, uh,

I gotta come up with something concrete.

Uh...

[Phone Ringing]

[Continues Ringing]

[Keyboard Clacking] [Phone Ringing, Faint]

Wednesday morning.

Thank you.

I, uh, need some information about... J-Just a minute, please.

Yes?

I want some information. How do I go about, uh,

getting permission to dig up a pile of a building that's already under construction?

I beg your pardon?

A pile of a building that's under construction.

I wanna dig it up.

Regular-size pile? Yeah.

Ten thousand pounds? I would think so.

Just a minute, please.

Section 346B. 'Foundations."

Do you know how much a thing like that would cost?

No. How much?

'See 581 D."

Yes, here we are.

Now, what's your connection, by the way? Contractor? Owner?

No. I'm from the police. Uh, Lt. Columbo.

Oh, yes. Well, you'll have to have a departmental approval...

under regulation 613 of the municipal code.

I see. That's, uh, 613? Six-one-three.

Now, once you get that, you file your permits,

your requisition slips and, uh, if the mayor's office approves of that,

uh, then you're set.

Been to the Structural Engineering Department? What for?

Uh, Lieutenant, you have to show the exact foundation to be torn out...

so we can make our estimates.

Oh. Where do I do that? Room 316, down the hall.

All right. I'll be right back.

Got 'em. Good.

- Well? - Lunch hour. Come back at 1:00.

Okay.

How long have you been digging here? Since about 8:00 this morning.

And how much is this going to cost? I don't know.

Inspector, how much is all this going to cost?

Morning, Inspector. Hi, Inspector.

Well, he won't tell you. I'll tell you. It's gonna cost considerable.

Well, Lieutenant. You know, you can still stop it before it's too late.

Well, you know, I went to so much trouble to get the permission,

that, uh, I think I'd better go ahead. Well, that's up to you.

I hope you realize how much work you're causing for a great many people.

Well, it's a lot more than I expected, I'll give you that.

You, uh, should've dressed for the occasion.

What? They're taking your picture.

You're gonna be a celebrity on the 6:00 news.

All right, come on, fellas. Gimme a break, huh?

Listen, I, uh... I wanna apologize for the press.

I didn't realize they were gonna be here. I had nothing to do with it.

- Must've been a leak down in the department. - No, I invited them.

Hope you don't mind. I intend to make a statement when you're finished.

You do? Well, maybe I'll have a statement of my own.

Well, you're clutching at straws.

Carl, you're keeping a record of the delay in construction time, aren't you?

- [Carl] Yes, sir.! - All right. Fine.

Lieutenant, I want you to know I admire you.

- Oh, really? - You've got the courage of your conviction.

That's an admirable trait... misdirected as it may be.

Lieutenant, there you are.

You just stay right there, because I am gonna love you to death.

We could've used you at the Alamo. You've got guts.

Oh, yeah. Jennifer called and told me about this.

Then she pulled the covers over her head which is her way of dealing with problems.

But I'm here to give you support. Thanks. I appreciate that.

Are you getting a little nervous, Mr. Markham? Should I be?

Well, it depends on what's down there. The usual, Goldie... bedrock and cement.

Mmm, I wonder. So does the lieutenant.

But he'll have his curiosity satisfied soon enough.

Mr. Markham, can I see you a moment, please?

Don't be intimidated. I think he's scared.

If this looks all right to you, can we bring in the crane?

All right, bring her in, take her up. What's happening?

We'll have her up in a half hour.

Another half hour.

Nervous, Lieutenant? Yeah, a little.

Why not? You're learning architecture the hard way.

Take her up.

[Jackhammers Stop]

[Carl] Okay, fellas, let's forget it, huh?

Nothing here, Mr. Markham. Not even a button.

[Markham] Well, Lt. Columbo?

- I guess I was wrong. - I'd consider that an accurate statement.

- You have a moment? I'd like to talk to you. - Nothing I'd like better.

Mr. Markham, I think I owe you an apology.

Is that all you have to say? Not much. Night.

Carl, fill up the excavation. Sink another hole.

We'll pour the concrete in the morning.

Lieutenant, you say you owe me an apology? Well, you owe me a great deal more than that.

There's not a trace of a body. Not a bit of clothing. Not a ring. Nothing.

Now, I'm not a police officer, but the conclusion seems to be obvious.

You didn't find Beau Williamson because he isn't here and he never was.

- Stop gloating. - What's the matter, Goldie? You should be delighted.

It means Beau's still alive. The only one that suffered here is the lieutenant and me.

- Why you? - Well, I've been suspected of murder, my work has been delayed,

my relationship with Beau and Jennifer's been jeopardized.

Lieutenant, I'm sure you have a lot of explaining to do to your superiors.

So, if you'll forgive me, I'll be off.

Here, put this on.

I'm sorry, lover. That's okay, Goldie.

No, it's my fault. I put the bug in your ear.

They gonna suspend you or something?

I don't know. I'll buy you a drink. I'll buy us both a drink.

No, that's okay. Thank you, Goldie. You go ahead.

I owe you one. I'll see you later.

[Engine Starts]

[Engine Off]

[Rustling]

♫ [Classical Music On Stereo]

[Loud Bang]

[Tires Screeching]

[Stereo Off

[Police Radio Chatter]

License and registration, please.

That was real nice, sir. What?

That was a real nice piece of driving you did back there.

The way you handled it. The way you pulled it over.

Oh. Th-Thank you.

Left front. Could've been hairy.

Yeah, that... Oh, that could've been.

Well, then, there's no real harm done. Thank you for stopping. L-I appreciate that.

Open it up.

- What? - The trunk.

You might as well get your keys, and I'll help you out with the spare.

Isn't that ridiculous? What?

[Laughs] My spare. No air.

It's useless. I've been meaning to get it filled, but, well, you know how that is.

Well, why don't I call a tow truck? They'll bring out a pump.

Oh, yeah. That's great. Thanks a lot. Okay. Good night now.

[Motorcycle Starts Up]

[Drives Away]

[Engine Off]

[Light Clicks On]

Good evening, Mr. Markham.

Beau Williamson?

[Sirens Approaching]

Ahead of me all the way, werert you?

Well, I kind of had a hunch.

You see, you kept trying to finesse me into digging up that pile.

And I had to ask myself, ' Why?"

I mean, you're not a dumb man, Mr. Markham. You wouldn't lead me right to the body.

- Why'd you dig it up? - Well, I had to play along, didn't I?

You see, I figured you had the body somewhere.

But what you really wanted was a foolproof hiding place.

Now, what's better than a place that's already been searched?

And at considerable cost and my embarrassment?

Officer? No, no. Don't bother.

- You will admit, it's a clever idea. - Oh, yeah. It was perfect.

Who would look in the same place twice?

I should've left it where it was. Mr. Markham,

I'm curious about that.

Where was it? It was in the equipment shed at the stables.

Well, you never can be sure about those things.

You know, bodies have a funny way of surfacing.

You know, this was brilliant. Eventually you would've had a whole building over the grave.

- Yes, brilliant. - It was just that music thing that bothered me.

Carnegie Hall and Nashville. They don't mix.

[Engine Starts] [Sighs] No. No, they don't.

[Engine Starts]