Original subtitles

[SNIFFLING]

[SNORTS]

[SOBS]

WHAT'S WRONG?

I'M SORRY. I JUST CAN'T BELIEVE

WHAT PASSED FOR LITERATURE IN THE SEVENTIES.

[MRS. DUBCHEK] KNOCK, KNOCK, KNOCK.

THIS DELIVERY CAME FOR YOU C.O.D. YOU WEREN'T HERE,

SO I PAID THE GUY.

OH, THANK YOU! THAT SAVES ME $28

PLUS $5.00 SHIPPING AND HANDLING.

WHAT IS IT?

SOMETHING TO WARM UP MY SIDE OF THE OFFICE.

DR. ALBRIGHT HAS HER COLLECTION OF TRIBAL DEATH MASKS,

AND NOW I HAVE THESE!

LOOK AT THIS ONE. IT SAYS, "PLAN AHEAD,"

BUT THE PERSON WHO MADE IT FORGOT TO.

HA HA!

TAKE THAT, MR. ADVICE GIVER. POW!

"YOU DON'T HAVE TO BE CRAZY TO WORK HERE, BUT IT HELPS."

I CAN'T WAIT TO SHOW THESE

TO DR. ALBRIGHT AND NINA.

YOU KNOW, OVER TIME,

I'VE COME TO THINK OF THEM

LESS AS MY COWORKERS AND MORE LIKE A FAMILY,

AND I'M THE ALL-KNOWING FATHER,

MARY'S THE WIFE, AND NINA IS OUR ADOPTED LOVE CHILD.

WELL, I'D BETTER BE GOING.

THE FORECAST FOR TODAY

IS LAUGHTER.

HA HA! HA HA! HA HA!

SALLY, YOU STILL WANT ME TO TEACH YOU TO MAKE GUACAMOLE?

YEAH. I PLANNED MY WHOLE DAY AROUND IT.

AH. O.K. NOW--

OW! OW!

DARN!

YOU'RE BLEEDING.

NO, I'LL BE FINE. JUST GET ME A LITTLE GAUZE.

I CAN HANDLE THAT. IT'S JUST A LITTLE FLESH WOUND.

I'VE INFLICTED FAR WORSE THAN THAT THOUSANDS OF TIMES.

OF COURSE, NEVER ON CREATURES WHO BLEED.

I'LL JUST--

OH! SALLY, ARE YOU O.K.?

OH! I KNOW WHAT TO DO!

I'VE SEEN THIS BEFORE. WE'VE GOT TO GET THIS WOMAN TO THE E.R.

NO, NO. GET HER INTO THE LIVING ROOM.

I'LL PUT A DAMP CLOTH ON HER FOREHEAD. SHE'LL BE FINE.

OH, SHE'S A BIG GIRL.

WAIT, WAIT, WAIT. I'M LOSING HER.

OH!

OH! OH!

OH, I'M SORRY.

WATCH OUT FOR THE POST.

HUH? [BONK]

WAIT. I GOT TO REST FOR A SECOND.

YEAH, ME, TOO.

YOU KNOW, MAYBE THE EMERGENCY ROOM

ISN'T SUCH A BAD IDEA.

HERE, LET'S GET HER DOWNSTAIRS.

LOAD HER INTO MY EL CAMINO.

CAREFUL. CAREFUL.

DON'T DROP HER DOWN THE STAIRS.

HUH?

[BOUNCING]

I SAID DON'T DROP HER DOWN THE STAIRS.

OHHHH.

"ONE OF THESE DAYS, I'M GOING TO GET ORGANIZIZED."

FUNNY.

I KNEW YOU'D LOVE IT.

WHOEVER WROTE THIS IS A RAVING GENIUS!

I HAVE THE BEST NEWS!

PROFESSOR BOSCO HAS BEEN HIRED BY PRINCETON.

SO YOU TWO ARE CLOSE?

I THINK HE'S A MORON, BUT I GET HIS OFFICE!

WITH THE BAY WINDOW AND THE VIEW OF THE APPLE TREE?

YES!

EEE! EEE!

YOU'D HAVE BEEN SO PROUD OF ME.

I WENT TO THAT OVERLY FRIENDLY WOMAN WHO HANDLES THESE THINGS?

YEAH. WHAT IS HER PROBLEM?

WHO CARES? ANYWAY, IT WAS BETWEEN ME AND PROFESSOR SEUTTER.

I SAID, "MR. SEUTTER'S VERY NICE,

"BUT HE SEEMS VERY CONTENT IN HIS LITTLE BROOMS CLOSET,

SO WHY DISTURB HIM?" AND SHE BOUGHT IT!

EEE! EEE!

OH! OH! THIS IS WONDERFUL!

OH, MY FUNNY SIGNS WILL LOOK JUST GREAT IN THE NEW OFFICE!

I'LL LEAVE THE TWO OF YOU ALONE NOW.

UM...

THE NEW OFFICE? IT'S A SINGLE.

OH, GREAT! WE CAN SHARE THE SAME DESK!

UH...

NO. YOU HAVE TO STAY HERE.

OH, I SEE.

YOU'RE LEAVING ME.

I GUESS IT WAS A MISTAKE TO GET SO CLOSE.

WELL! WE'LL STILL SEE EACH OTHER.

OH, PLEASE. DON'T PATRONIZE ME. JUST GO.

DICK, I'VE NEVER HAD MY OWN OFFICE.

I'VE WAITED 12 YEARS FOR THIS.

AND I NEED THE EXTRA SPACE FOR MY ARTIFACTS.

OH, TO HELL WITH YOUR TCHOTCHKES!

I WANT YOU TO STAY HERE!

SOMETIMES YOU CAN'T GET WHAT YOU WANT.

YOU'RE GETTING WHAT YOU WANT.

SOMETIMES YOU CAN. I NEED BOXES!

FINE!

MR. POTATO MAN IS ALL THE COMPANY I NEED.

RIGHT?

ANSWER ME!

SHE LOOKS JUST LIKE SNOW WHITE.

SNOW WHITE WITH DRIED SPITTLE ON HER CHIN.

WHERE AM I?

YOU'RE IN THE HOSPITAL.

OH, GOOD, HONEY. YOU'RE OUT OF THE WOODS.

I'M RUNNING UPSTAIRS AND SEE A FRIEND OF MINE.

SHE JUST WENT FROM A DOUBLE-D CUP TO A "B."

WHAT, INTENTIONALLY?

I KNOW. CAN YOU BELIVE THAT?

WHAT HAPPENED?

YOU FAINTED.

OH, SALLY, YOU JUST GOT TO PULL THROUGH!

BUT YOU'RE A FIGHTER.

YOU'VE ALWAYS BEEN A FIGHTER.

WHY ARE YOU TALKING LIKE THAT? AM I DYING?

OH, NO, NO. THAT'S JUST THE WAY THEY TALK

ON THOSE MEDICAL DRAMAS.

DAMN IT!

O.K., MISS SOLOMON. YOU MIGHT HAVE

A SLIGHT CONCUSSION FROM YOUR FALL.

I'D LIKE TO KEEP YOU OVERNIGHT FOR OBSERVATION.

WELL...

AM I GOING TO BE ALL RIGHT?

DON'T YOU WORRY ABOUT A THING.

WE TAKE GOOD CARE OF PEOPLE HERE.

OH.

THANK YOU.

I DON'T KNOW WHY, BUT THAT MADE ME FEEL BETTER.

CAN I HAVE A WORD WITH YOU, DOCTOR?

WHAT IS IT?

THIS WOMAN IS THE ONLY SISTER I'VE GOT.

AND IF THAT MEANS HAVING TO USE

YOUR BEST DOCTORS AND NURSES,

WELL, I'M JUST GOING TO HAVE TO LIVE WITH THAT.

DAMN IT.

OOWAHHHH!

DR. SOLOMON, I'M JUDITH.

I'M GOING TO BE SHARING THIS OFFICE WITH YOU.

JUDITH.

THIS IS MY ASSISTANT, MY BROTHER ROGER.

ROGER.

PLEASE DON'T SHAKE MY HAND.

I'VE JUST WASHED IT.

TWO RULES. WHEN I DO NOT WISH TO BE DISTURBED,

I WILL PLACE MY NAMEPLATE FACE DOWN ON MY DESK.

IN THE MORNING, WHOEVER ARRIVES FIRST

WILL FLIP ON THE IONIZER.

THE WOMAN WHO WAS PREVIOUSLY IN THIS OFFICE

HAD NO TROUBLE WITH THE LEVEL OF IONIZATION.

BELIEVE ME...

YOU WILL LIKE ME.

MOST PEOPLE DO.

AAH! AAH! AAH! AAH!

[COUGHS]

HA!

WELL, THIS IS NICE.

I RUSH OVER HERE, AND YOU'RE LOLLING AROUND IN BED.

IT WAS SO SCARY.

I WAS COMPLETELY UNCONSCIOUS FOR A HALF HOUR.

LUCKY YOU. AFTER TODAY, I'D PAY TO BE UNCONSCIOUS.

WHAT HAPPENED?

MARY MOVED INTO A NEW OFFICE.

UH-HUH... MEANING...

I DON'T WANT HER TO MOVE.

I DON'T CARE IF IT'S THE OFFICE OF HER DREAMS

OR SHE'S ECSTATIC. I'M SO LONESOME, I COULD DIE.

HELLO! SALLY'S IN THE HOSPITAL!

OH.

WELL, ANYWAY, FROM NOW ON,

I'M THINKING ONLY OF MYSELF.

I'M GOING TO BE COMPLETELY--

WHAT'S THE WORD FOR IT?

SELFISH. SELFISH.

NO. SMART.

I'M GETTING HER BACK OR ELSE.

YOU SAID SHE'S HAPPY THERE.

SHE THINKS SHE IS, BUT WHAT DOES SHE KNOW?

I'M THE HIGH COMMANDER. I KNOW WHAT'S BEST FOR EVERYTHING.

NOW, WHY WAS I HERE?

OH. RIGHT.

GET WELL. THAT'S AN ORDER.

NOW, IF YOU'LL EXCUSE ME,

I HAVE TO LIBERATE OLD MAN SEUTTER FROM HIS BROOM CLOSET.

OH. I BROUGHT YOU SOME JELL-O--

AAH! AAH! AAH! AAH!

AAH! AAH!

PROFESSOR SEUTTER, A TERRIBLE INJUSTICE HAS BEEN DONE.

WHAT?

I SAID,

A TERRIBLE INJUSTICE HAS BEEN DONE!

I HEARD YOU. WHAT'S THE BIG INJUSTICE?

SOMEBODY HAS TAKEN SOMETHING

THAT RIGHTFULLY BELONGS TO YOU.

WHAT?

SOMEBODY HAS TAKEN SOMETHING

THAT RIGHTFULLY BELONGS TO YOU!

[SOFTLY] ARE YOU O.K.?

PROFESSOR SEUTTER?

[SHOUTING] ARE YOU O.K.?

YES! THE ONE WITH THE BAY WINDOW AND THE APPLE TREE.

HOW LONG HAS IT BEEN SINCE WE TALKED?

SEVEN YEARS!

WELL, YOU BE GOOD. BYE-BYE.

COMPANY.

LOOK WHO I RAN INTO, MARY.

YOU REMEMBER PROFESSOR SEUTTER.

HELLO, MARY.

HELLO, PROFESSOR.

DR. SOLOMON TOLD ME ABOUT YOUR GOOD FORTUNE.

I WANTED TO SAY CONGRATULATIONS.

THANK YOU.

I USED TO HAVE AN EYE OUT FOR THIS OFFICE.

AHEM.

AH, THE BAY WINDOW!

AND THE APPLE TREE.

MY WIFE AND I USED TO PICNIC UNDER IT ALL THE TIME.

SHE'S DEAD NOW.

MARY, YOU HAVE BETTER EYES THAN I.

DO YOU SEE ANYTHING CARVED ON THE TRUNK OUT THERE?

NO...

OH, I SEE IT. IT'S A HEART.

A HEART, MARY.

I CARVED IT ON THE DAY I PROPOSED,

RIGHT BEFORE I WENT OUT TO FIGHT THE GERMANS.

[DICK] YOU MUST'VE LOVED HER...

VERY MUCH.

YOU'LL NEVER KNOW.

MARY...I HAVE

A VERY SPECIAL FAVOR TO ASK OF YOU.

WHAT?

COULD YOU SOME AFTERNOON

HELP ME GATHER APPLE BLOSSOMS

AND THEN TAKE THEM WITH ME TO MY WIFE'S GRAVE?

O...

K.

BLESS YOU, MARY.

COME ON, PROFESSOR SEUTTER.

LET ME WALK YOU DOWN TO YOUR... TINY OFFICE.

I THINK DR. ALBRIGHT WANTS TO BE ALONE...

WITH HER THOUGHTS.

DON'T YOU LET HIM MANIPULATE YOU!

THIS IS YOUR OFFICE, AND I'M NOT JUST SAYING THAT

BECAUSE I FINALLY GOT A WINDOW.

I'M BEING OBJECTIVE!

I KNOW, BUT I'M STARTING TO FEEL BAD.

LISTEN TO ME, WOMAN.

KEEP THE DREAM ALIVE.

BOY, I'M REALLY GOING TO MISS THIS PLACE.

YEAH, BUT YOU GOT SOME LOVELY PRIZES.

OH, I KNOW!

A SUPER CUP, A PAIR OF CIRCULATION SOCKS,

AND A KIDNEY-SHAPED SALAD BOWL!

SWEET!

I COULD JUST HANG OUT HERE ALL DAY!

I KNOW!

IT'S LIKE DISNEYLAND WITH A SLIGHTLY HIGHER FATALITY RATE.

HEY. LOOK WHAT I GOT.

OOH!

JUST HANGING OVER THERE BEHIND A DOOR.

WHOA!

WELL, ARE THERE ANY LEFT?

YEAH, AND THE BEST PART IS YOU CAN GO ANYWHERE,

PEOPLE TREAT YOU LIKE A GOD,

AND YOU GET 10% OFF AT THE GIFT SHOP.

COMING THROUGH! LET'S GO!

[BABBLING PHONY MEDICAL LINGO]

COME ON!

FOR THE PREVENTION OF STROKE! NOW! DO IT!

WHOA! HERE COMES ANOTHER ONE!

HEY! LET'S GO!

[BABBLING PHONY MEDICAL LINGO]

ALL RIGHT! HOLD HIS LEGS!

IT JUST NEVER ENDS.

AND WHAT IF IT DID?

LET'S JUST PRAY THAT DAY NEVER COMES.

LET'S GO.

WHOO! WHOO! WHOO!

YOU GOT PLANS FOR TONIGHT?

YOU KIDDING?

I COULD SLEEP FOREVER.

MMM.

WHEN'S OUR NEXT SHIFT?

WELL, IT'S HARD TO SAY.

WE'RE NOT DOCTORS.

HELLO, EVERYONE!

WHOA. YOU'RE IN A GOOD MOOD.

I'M IN A GREAT MOOD!

DID DR. ALBRIGHT MOVE BACK IN WITH YOU?

NOT YET, BUT TODAY I REALIZED

IT'S NOT ABOUT GETTING MARY BACK

AND GETTING WHAT I WANT.

IT'S ABOUT GETTING JUSTICE FOR PROFESSOR SEUTTER.

AND GETTING WHAT I WANT.

SO I CALLED UP THE DEAN

AND TOLD HIM IT WAS A TRAVESTY

TO KEEP A 75-YEAR-OLD MAN LOCKED AWAY IN THE BASEMENT.

AND NOW I'M READY TO PAR-TAY.

SO, UM, WHAT ARE WE CELEBRATING, BROTHA?

MY RUTHLESS COMMITMENT TO MYSELF.

WOW. YOU'RE NOT JUST THE HIGH COMMANDER.

YOU'RE PRESIDENTIAL MATERIAL.

LOOKS LIKE A BURST APPENDIX.

DON'T LET THE SALINE COUNT FOOL YOU.

I KNOW THIS MAN IS A DIABETIC.

NO, HE ISN'T.

YOU'RE SUSPENDED!

SHE'S GOING TO BE ALL RIGHT, ISN'T SHE?

SHE'S GOING TO BE FINE.

HERE. LET ME SHOW YOU

WHAT A DOCTOR ONCE DID FOR ME.

EVERYTHING'S GOING TO BE ALL RIGHT.

WE TAKE GOOD CARE OF PEOPLE HERE.

THANK YOU, DOCTOR.

THIS MUST BE A TOUGH JOB.

OH! I'VE SEEN STUFF

THAT WOULD MAKE YOUR EYES POP OUT

AND SPLATTER AGAINST THE WALL.

IN FACT, I'VE SEEN THAT, TOO.

LOOKS LIKE A BURST APPENDIX.

DON'T LET THE SALINE COUNT FOOL YOU.

I KNOW THIS MAN IS A DIABETIC.

THIS IS A UTERUS!

YOU'RE SUSPENDED!

FATHER RICE, I FIND MYSELF

IN THE MIDST OF A MORAL DILEMMA.

THAT'S WHY WE HAVE A THEOLOGY DEPARTMENT, DICK.

WHAT CAN I DO FOR YOU?

IT'S PROFESSOR ALBRIGHT.

SHE'S STRAYED.

NO NEWS THERE.

HEH HEH HEH HEH HEH!

UH...WHO IS IT THIS TIME?

PROFESSOR SEUTTER.

THAT'S WHY, FATHER, I IMPLORE YOU

TO USE YOUR POSITION TO SHAME HER.

EH...THAT'S NOT EXACTLY WHAT WE DO ANYMORE.

SOMEONE'S GOT TO GET HER OUT OF THAT NEW OFFICE.

NEW OFFICE?

UP ON THE SECOND FLOOR.

BAY WINDOW? APPLE TREE?

THAT'S THE ONE.

WELL, I'LL BE DARNED. I HADN'T HEARD.

SO ALBRIGHT GOT THAT OFFICE, HUH?

HMM.

THANK YOU, DICK.

ROGER SAYS YOU MUST NEVER LEAVE THESE

ON HIS DESK AGAIN.

WHATEVER.

"ONE OF THESE DAYS, I'M GOING TO GET ORGANIZIZED."

HA HA HA HA HA!

THAT'S MARVELOUS!

IT'S MORONIC! NOW BE QUIET!

THERE YOU ARE!

OOH! LA...

* LA LA LA LA LA LA LA *

YOU WERE RIGHT.

IT WAS A BURST APPENDIX.

THE SALINE COUNT FOOLED ME!

I DIDN'T KNOW HE HAD DIABETES.

HE'LL LIVE NOW.

REMEMBER THIS FACE.

AND BEG THAT ONE DAY

YOU'LL BE HALF THE PROFESSIONAL THAT...

DR. MOSHE PIPCHIK IS!

[DOOR OPENS]

CAN'T YOU PEOPLE SEE I'M CARRYING A BOX?

NINA!

MARY, YOU'RE BACK!

YES, I'M BACK.

DEAN SUMNER SAID IT WAS AN OVERSIGHT.

HE'D ALREADY PROMISED MY OFFICE TO SOMEONE ELSE.

THAT'S THE LAST TIME I SUCK UP TO HIM!

PROFESSOR SEUTTER!

SO I GUESS EVERYTHING WORKED OUT, HUH?

OH, SHUT UP.

THANKS TO THAT IDIOT CAMPAIGN YOU MOUNTED ON MY BEHALF,

THEY'RE FORCING ME TO RETIRE.

WHY?

BECAUSE YOU REMINDED THEM I WAS OVER 70

AND STILL ON THE PAYROLL.

I HAVEN'T TAUGHT A CLASS IN FOUR YEARS.

WHAT HAVE YOU BEEN DOING ALL THIS TIME?

WORKING ON MY SCREENPLAY.

IT'S LIKE DIE HARD,

BUT IT'S SET IN AN OFFICE BUILDING.

DIE HARD WAS IN AN OFFICE BUILDING.

UP YOURS.

MARY!

WHAT?

SOMEWHERE IN THE RECESSES OF YOUR HEART,

AREN'T YOU JUST THE TINIEST BIT HAPPY

THAT WE'RE A FAMILY AGAIN?

[SOBS]

SO I SAID TO THE HEAD OF ONCOLOGY,

"THIS IS A HOSPITAL, DAMN IT!"

OOOH!

LOOK AT ALL THE NEW PEOPLE!

HELLO, PRECIOUS! HELLO!

HEY, THAT ONE RIGHT THERE LOOKS LIKE WINSTON CHURCHILL.

SO DOES THAT ONE.

HEY, THIS ONE LOOKS LIKE BLACK WINSTON CHURCHILL.

IT'S AMAZING, ISN'T IT?

AN ENTIRE WARD OF PURE DISTILLED LIFE.

I GUESS PEOPLE DON'T JUST COME HERE TO GET REPAIRED.

OOH. SHH.

DON'T CRY, SWEETHEART.

THIS PART'S EASY.

JUST WAIT TILL YOU HAVE TO CHOOSE A LONG DISTANCE CARRIER.

I WISH I COULD HAVE STARTED FROM SCRATCH LIKE YOU GUYS.

KNOWING BUT NOT KNOWING.

SEEING AND THEN...

ALL AT ONCE FORGETTING.

ENJOY IT.

TIME HERE MOVES REALLY FAST.

FATHER, I'VE MADE A TERRIBLE MISTAKE.

IN ORDER TO GET MY WAY, I'VE HARMED A FRIEND,

SOMEONE I DEEPLY LOVE,

A MAN I BARELY KNOW,

AND A LARGE, UNPLEASANT WOMAN IN SENSIBLE SHOES.

I FEEL JUST AWFUL.

DICK, ALL OF GOD'S CREATURES MAKE MISTAKES.

AND HE FORGIVES THEM.

LET ME SHOW YOU SOMETHING.

WHEN I WALK UP TO MY BAY WINDOW...

AND SEE THAT APPLE TREE OUTSIDE,

I'M REMINDED OF HOW SIMPLE LIFE CAN BE

WHEN IT BECOMES LESS ABOUT HAVING

AND MORE ABOUT BEING.

YOU'RE A GOOD MAN, FATHER,

IN A REALLY, REALLY GREAT OFFICE!

[CHUCKLES]

IT IS GREAT, ISN'T IT?

I'VE REALIZED THAT WHEN GETTING WHAT YOU WANT

COMES AT THE EXPENSE OF OTHERS,

IT'S NOT AT ALL SATISFYING.

EVEN IF IT'S THE LAST BAG OF CIRCUS PEANUTS?

NOW, THAT WOULD BE PRETTY SATISFYING.

THIS CAME FOR YOU FROM THE HOSPITAL.

OH, THOSE PEOPLE ARE SO NICE!

IT'S PROBABLY A GET WELL CARD.

IT'S A BILL FOR $3,500!

OH, BUT LOOK.

IT SAYS, "THANK YOU FOR YOUR PROMPT PAYMENT."

DID YOU PAY THEM?

NO.

I DIDN'T PAY THEM.

IT WASN'T ME.

SOMEBODY MUST HAVE.