Original subtitles

HELLO!

HI, DICK.

I BROUGHT HOME A PIZZA!

HEY, DICK. HOW WAS YOUR DAY?

SALLY, WHY ARE YOU HERE?

WEREN'T YOU SUPPOSED TO INVESTIGATE

YOUR CHEMICAL ATTRACTION TO MR. RANDALL?

HE HAD TO CANCEL OUR DATE.

HIS MOTHER CAME IN TOWN.

SO?

I DON'T KNOW. HE MENTIONED BREAKING ME TO HER GENTLY.

DICK, AREN'T YOU GOING TO ASK ME HOW MY DAY WENT?

GOOD WORK, HARRY. WELL DONE.

SALLY...

JUST BECAUSE YOU HAVEN'T BEEN INVITED SOMEWHERE

IS NO REASON NOT TO GO.

YOUR NEXT ASSIGNMENT IS TO MEET THIS MOTHER,

AND STUDY HER MATERNAL POWER.

I COULD SEDUCE HER, IF YOU LIKE.

UH, NO, HARRY.

TOMMY, HAVE YOU INFILTRATED THE GLEE CLUB?

OH, YEAH. THEY'RE VERY HAPPY.

THAT'S MY REPORT.

GOOD WORK, TOMMY.

WHA--WAIT. WHAT ABOUT ME?

WELL, WHAT?

WELL, THAT'S MY POINT.

YOU'RE HIGH COMMANDER, SHE'S HEAD OF SECURITY,

HE'S INFORMATION OFFICER...WHAT AM I?

WELL, YOU'RE--

YOU'RE HARRY.

OH, SURE.

I GOT THE FANCY TITLE,

BUT WHAT DO I DO? WHAT AM I GOOD AT?

UH... UH...

YOU--YOU PAINT!

OH, YEAH. I LIKE PAINTING.

PAINTING. YES!

GREAT! GO! PAINT!

OH. O.K.

OFF TO MY PAINTING.

YELL IF YOU NEED ME.

SURE. WHATEVER.

AW, DICK!

THEY SCREWED IT UP AGAIN!

DAMN!

DAMN!

WHAT'S THIS, TOMMY?

STAR WARS. IT'S A MOVIE.

WHAT'S THAT SUPPOSED TO BE?

OUTER SPACE. CAN YOU BELIEVE IT?

IF OUTER SPACE WAS THAT HAPPENING,

I NEVER WOULD HAVE LEFT.

HEY, TOMMY. I'M ALMOST READY.

WHOA. WHOA. WHERE ARE YOU GOING?

I'M TAKING TOMMY TO SCHOOL.

OH. WELL, BE SURE AND TALK TO THAT MR. RANDALL.

OH, WILL HE BE THERE?

GOSH. I HOPE I DON'T DISTRACT HIM.

OW! OW!

YOU ARE IN BIG, BIG, BIG TROUBLE.

WHAT'S GOING ON?

HE PAINTED SOMETHING AWFUL ON THE HOUSE.

A POSTIMPRESSIONIST URBAN MURAL.

I WAS GIVEN FULL PERMISSION.

TELL HER, DICK.

I PROMISE YOU, MRS. DUPCHECK,

HARRY, WILL NOT GO UNPUNISHED!

HE'LL SIT IN HIS ROOM

AND THINK ABOUT WHAT HE DID,

WHILE YOU REPAINT YOUR HOUSE.

IDLE HANDS DO THE DEVIL'S WORK.

WHEN I WAS YOUNG--

THE GLACIER RECEDED,

CREATING THE GREAT LAKES, AS WE ALL KNOW.

BYE, NOW. GOODBYE.

WELL, THANKS A LOT, DICK.

YOU TELL ME TO PAINT,

AND THEN YOU HANG ME OUT TO DRY LIKE A SHIRT.

A WET SHIRT.

A WET SHIRT THAT NEEDS DRYING.

WHY IS HARRY UPSET ALL OF A SUDDEN?

IS HE MAD AT ME?

NO. HE JUST FEELS LEFT OUT, YOU KNOW?

HE'S SEARCHING FOR HIS IDENTITY.

HE'S ACTING UP FOR YOUR ATTENTION.

HOW DO YOU KNOW?

OH. I SEE IT WITH SOPHOMORES ALL THE TIME.

HE NEEDS AN AUTHORITY FIGURE.

HE'S GOT ONE. I'M THE HIGH COMMANDER.

A PARENT.

YES. MR. RANDALL HAS A MOTHER,

AND HE TURNED OUT DREAMY.

OF COURSE.

HARRY NEEDS A FATHER.

OH, I SHOULD HAVE SEEN IT!

WELL...

I CAN FILL THOSE SHOES.

I'M PRETENDING TO BE YOUR FATHER.

I MAY HAVE TO NEGLECT YOU FOR A WHILE.

I DON'T MIND. YOU'RE A TERRIBLE FATHER ANYWAY.

WELL, YOU'RE A LOUSY SON!

I'M OLD AND SET IN MY WAYS!

WELL, IT'S GOING TO BE DIFFERENT WITH MY SECOND SON!

I'LL BE A TERRIFIC FATHER.

OH. SURE.

I'M GOING TO START OFF BY BEING COMPLETELY HONEST WITH HIM.

WAIT. HONEST?

I'M TELLING HIM ABOUT THAT THING

THAT THEY PUT IN HIS HEAD.

OH, NO.

YOU CAN'T TELL HIM THAT.

TELLING HIM IS A BAD THING.

SHH.

IXNE ON THE THINGTHE.

UH, HARRY.

I MADE A DECISION.

FROM NOW ON...

DON'T THINK OF ME AS YOUR COMMANDER.

I WANT YOU TO THINK OF ME AS A FATHER.

A FATHER WHO OUTRANKS YOU.

WELL, FATHER, WHY?

GUIDANCE. EMOTIONAL SUPPORT.

I'LL BE THERE FOR YOU.

I'LL BE THE WIND BENEATH YOUR SHEETS.

HARRY, WHEN YOU NEED ANYTHING AT ALL,

YOU COME TO ME.

WELL, O.K.

CAN I BORROW THE CAR?

NO.

BORROW CASH?

NO.

BRING A WOMAN IN MY ROOM?

NEVER HAPPEN.

SURE.

WELL, THANKS, COMMANDER--

WELL, I MEAN, DICK--

DAD.

FATHER DICK.

OHH...

BUT HOSTILITIES DIDN'T BEGIN TO ESCALATE...

UNTIL THE CONFEDERATE TROOPS

ATTACKED FORT SUMPTER.

AND FOUR YEARS LATER,

THE WAR'S PRETTY MUCH OVER.

MR. RANDALL.

SALLY.

HEY, SOLOMON.

WHAT?

ARE RANDALL AND YOUR AUNT,

LIKE, UH...

YOU KNOW...

I DON'T KNOW.

RAISE YOUR HAND AND ASK, YOU MOOK.

SO, UM, DID YOU WANT TO TALK TO ME ABOUT TOMMY?

NO. TOMMY'S DOING FINE.

OH.

WELL, THEN, SINCE I'M HERE,

CAN I MEET YOUR MOTHER?

I DON'T KNOW THAT YOU'RE READY TO MEET MY MOTHER.

WE COULD HAVE DINNER.

YOU DON'T THINK IT'S TOO EARLY?

NO. BREAKFAST WOULD BE EARLY.

DINNER'S FINE.

I DON'T KNOW, SALLY.

SHE'S NOT AN EASY PERSON TO KNOW.

SHE'S EXTREMELY PROTECTIVE,

AND SHE NEVER THINKS ANYONE IS GOOD ENOUGH FOR ME.

I THINK SHE'S REALLY GOING TO LIKE ME...

A LOT.

HEY. BYE, TOMMY.

[GRUMBLES]

...WHICH CAN BE DIRECTLY APPLIED

TO NEWTON'S SECOND LAW OF MOTION,

WHICH, FOR PERSONAL REASONS,

IS MY FAVORITE.

ISAAC NEWTON, OF COURSE,

HAS BEEN CALLED

THE FATHER OF MODERN PHYSICS,

BRINGING ME TO ANOTHER QUESTION.

HOW MANY OF YOU HAVE FATHERS?

ANYONE? FATHERS?

EVERYONE HAS FATHERS. GOOD.

SO, WHO WOULD LIKE TO RELATE

SOME FATHERESQUE EXPERIENCE,

SOMETHING VERY FATHERING?

UM, O.K. WELL, UH,

MY FATHER AND I HAVE THIS VERY SPECIAL--

NO, NO, NO, NO.

KAREN, PLEASE.

I'M ONLY INTERESTED

IN FATHER-SON EXPERIENCES.

BOBBY,

UH, MY FATHER? VERY STRICT.

WHEN I'D ACT UP, HE'D GIVE ME HIS BELT.

YOU WORE THE SAME SIZE?

AS PUNISHMENT.

HE'D GIVE ME A WHOOPING.

SO HE GAVE YOU A WHOOPING AND A BELT?

WITH THE BELT.

THEN HE GAVE YOU THE BELT?

UM...

YEAH.

LEON, DID YOUR DAD GIVE YOU A BELT?

NO. NO, MY DAD'S GREAT.

EVERY AUGUST WE'D RENT A CABIN ON LAKE EIRE

WE PICK UP A CASE OF TALL-BOYS, GET FACED,

AND HIT ON GIRLS IN PONTOON BOATS.

[CLASS BELL RINGS]

UH, TOMORROW THERE WILL BE A POP QUIZ

ON THE EFFECTS OF THERMAL DYNAMICS!

REMEMBER, IT'S A POP QUIZ!

IF YOU STUDY, I'LL KNOW!

HARRY!

SON...

LOOK WHAT I BROUGHT HOME FOR US.

IT'S A SIX-PACK OF TALL-BOYS.

LET'S GET FACED,

AND THEN I'LL GIVE YOU MY BELT.

FORGET IT, MAN,

WHAT'S THIS?

I'M CUTTING OUT.

I'M BLOWING THIS JOINT.

I'M TAKING SOME POWDER.

WAIT. YOU CAN'T LEAVE.

FACE IT. I HAVE NO PURPOSE HERE.

WELL, I--I-- I'LL FIND YOU A PURPOSE.

I'LL SET UP A MEETING FOR YOU

WITH THE CAMPUS JOB COUNSELOR.

THAT'S YOUR WORLD, MAN,

NOT MINE.

SEE, I'M REJECTING

ALL THAT 9-TO-5, MAKE-A-LIVING,

BECOME-A-SUCCESS,

FEEL-GOOD-ABOUT-YOURSELF CRAP.

THAT'S A SUCKER'S GAME, MAN.

WELL...

COLOR ME GONE.

HARRY, WAIT.

YOU'RE PART OF THE UNIT!

WE NEED YOU.

WHY DO YOU NEED ME?

BECAUSE...

WE LOVE YOU,

AND YOU'RE IMPORTANT TO THE FAMILY.

AND, UH...

YOU'RE SO PRETTY.

WELL, I MAY BE PRETTY.

BUT I KNOW I'M NOT IMPORTANT.

WHA--NO.

HARRY, YOU ARE IMPORTANT!

YOU'RE THE--

OH, I WASN'T GOING TO SAY THIS.

HARRY...

YOU'VE GOT A THING IN YOUR HEAD.

A THING?

A CRANIAL MICRORECEIVER CHIP.

IN MY HEAD. YES.

IT'S NOT IN THE PART YOU USE,

IT'S IN YOUR BRAIN.

THIS IS SO EXCITING.

I THINK IT'S EVERY LITTLE GIRL'S DREAM

TO MEET HER BOYFRIEND'S MOTHER.

I ALWAYS THOUGHT IT WAS TO GET MARRIED.

MR. RANDALL,

IT'S ONLY BEEN TWO DATES.

WHEN?

HI, HONEY.

MOTHER.

MMM.

WELL...

THIS IS SALLY.

MRS. RANDALL, PLEASURE MEETING YOU.

YOU SURE SQUEEZED OUT A WINNER, LADY!

WHY, THANK YOU.

WHY DON'T WE SIT DOWN?

NOW, WHICH SALLY ARE YOU?

AH HA HA HA.

THE ONLY SALLY.

I HAVE TO APOLOGIZE.

IT'S JUST THAT HE'S SO DARN HANDSOME.

HE ATTRACTS SO MANY WOMEN,

I TEND TO GET YOU ALL CONFUSED.

ACTUALLY, MOTHER,

I WAS ATTRACTED TO SALLY.

SHE HAS A BEAUTIFUL SMILE.

OH. ABSOLUTELY.

ARE THOSE CAPS?

OH, NO.

THEY'RE TEETH.

THEY GO ALL THE WAY BACK, SEE?

SO I HAVE A THING IN MY HEAD.

AND I HAVE THIS WHY?

WELL...

BECAUSE...

SOMETIMES...

OUR SUPREME LEADER, THE BIG GIANT HEAD?

HE NEEDS TO COMMUNICATE WITH US,

AND WE PICKED YOU. YOU, HARRY.

WITHOUT YOU, WE CAN'T MAINTAIN CONTACT WITH THE HOME OFFICE.

WELL, DOES TOMMY KNOW ABOUT THIS?

YES.

DOES SALLY KNOW ABOUT THIS?

YES.

DO YOU KNOW ABOUT THIS?

I'M SORRY. I SHOULD'VE TOLD YOU SOONER, BUT...

ISN'T IT NEAT TO FIND OUT NEW THINGS ABOUT YOURSELF?

YOU HAVE DESTROYED MY LIFE!

HARRY.

OHH! SO IT'S O.K.

FOR ME TO HAVE A THING IN MY HEAD,

BUT IT'S NOT O.K. FOR ME TO KNOW ABOUT IT?

AND YOU CALL YOURSELF A FATHER.

I'M OUT OF HERE.

HARRY!

YOU ARE NOT LEAVING!

YOU'RE COMING RIGHT BACK HERE! THAT'S AN ORDER!

IF YOU WERE MY FATHER, I WOULD THINK

THAT YOU'D CARE ENOUGH ABOUT MY FEELINGS TO JUST LET ME GO.

YOU'RE RIGHT.

YOU NEED TO SORT THIS OUT FOR YOURSELF. GO.

BUT AS HIGH COMMANDER, I MUST HAVE ACCESS TO THAT TRANSMITTER!

STAY!

BUT I WANT YOU TO HAVE YOUR OWN SPACE. GO.

I CAN'T ALLOW THIS BREACH OF PROTOCOL!

I ORDER YOU TO STAY!

LEAVE THE NEST. FLY.

HARRY, NOW, YOU COME BACK HERE!

I'M SORRY. GO. GO.

STAY! GO!

GO! STAY!

GO!

STOP!

YOU'RE TEARING ME APART!

GET ME A BEER.

WHAT KIND?

THE KIND YOU DRINK.

HI. I'M MARGUERITE. WHO ARE YOU?

I DON'T KNOW WHO I AM.

ALL I KNOW IS,

I GOT SOMETHING INSIDE MY HEAD.

SOMETHING THAT COULD GO OFF AT ANY MINUTE.

SOME SORT OF ANSWERING MACHINE

TO PICK UP SOME COSMIC MESSAGE

SENT FROM SOMEWHERE OUT THERE...

IN THE UNIVERSE.

I'M AN AQUARIUS.

HEY. WHO YOU TALKING TO?

I DON'T KNOW. SOME GUY.

WAS HE HITTING ON YOU?

WHY? YOU JEALOUS?

HEY! YOU TALKING TO MY GIRL?

YOU DON'T LOOK OLD ENOUGH TO BE HER FATHER.

WHAT ARE YOU...

A COMEDIAN?

NO. THAT WOULD BE BUDDY HACKETT.

YOU GOT WHEELS? ON MY CAR.

O.K., YOU AND ME, PAL. DEAD MAN'S CURVE.

WE'RE GOING TO PLAY A GAME OF CHICKEN.

I'LL STOP AT THE COLONEL'S.

I WONDER HOW HE'S DOING OUT THERE ALL BY HIMSELF.

YOU KNOW, IF YOU'RE A BAD FATHER, THEY LEAVE.

IF YOU'RE A GOOD FATHER, THEY LEAVE.

A PARENT'S LOVE IS LIKE A RIVER.

NO MATTER HOW DEEP OR STRONG ITS CURRENT,

IT'S ALWAYS FLOWING TOWARDS THE SEA OF SEPARATION.

LIGHTEN UP, DICK.

YOU'RE GOING TO GIVE YOURSELF A HALLMARK HERNIA.

[TELEPHONE RINGS]

HELLO?

YES?

THE POLICE?

YOU'VE GOT HARRY?

HE CRASHED THE CAR?

AT DEAD MAN'S CURVE?

WE'LL BE RIGHT OVER!

SOMETHING TERRIBLE HAS HAPPENED.

HARRY CRASHED THE CAR AT DEAD MAN'S CURVE.

WHY IS THE FATHER ALWAYS THE LAST TO KNOW?

O.K. SO WE'VE LEFT THE DANCE,

AND WE'RE PARKED IN YOUR SON'S CAR, O.K.?

AND HE CAN'T SEEM TO UNDO THE TOP HOOK, ALL RIGHT?

[RANDALL] PLEASE DON'T.

GO ON. IT'S A CUTE STORY.

LET HER TELL.

I ORDERED SALMON. WHAT'D YOU ORDER?

MY, THAT'S AN INTERESTING DRESS YOU'RE WEARING.

OH, YOU LIKE IT? GOOD, 'CAUSE I DIDN'T KNOW

IF YOU'D BE IMPRESSED BY HOW CONFIDENT I AM

TO WEAR A DRESS LIKE THIS.

OR MAYBE I SHOULD'VE GONE WITH

SOMETHING A LITTLE MORE CONSERVATIVE, AS IF TO SAY,

"WHAT'S UNDERNEATH HERE IS NOT FOR ANYBODY BUT YOUR SON."

WELL, I THINK THAT DRESS SAYS

IT'S NOT JUST FOR MY SON,

IT'S FOR THE WHOLE ROOM.

GOOD. THAT'S A RELIEF.

IF YOU WANT TO CONTROL MY LIFE, YOU COULD BE MORE SUBTLE ABOUT IT.

I DON'T WANT TO INTRUDE.

SO IF YOU'LL EXCUSE ME,

I'M GOING TO THE LADIES' ROOM.

I THINK SHE'S UPSET WITH YOU. I'LL GO TALK TO HER.

SALLY, I DON'T THINK THAT'S A VERY GOOD ID--

SHH! I'M DOING IT FOR YOU.

FRANCES? ARE YOU ALL RIGHT?

ME? OH, I'M FINE, HONEY. IT'S YOU I'M WORRIED ABOUT.

ME?

WELL...

I'M AFRAID...

YOU'RE JUST NOT MY SON'S TYPE.

WHY?

NOW, DON'T GET ME WRONG.

YOU'RE REALLY NOT HALF AS CHEAP AS YOU LOOK.

I GET IT. YOU'RE INSULTING ME, AREN'T YOU?

HA HA!

I HAVE MADE SUCH A HUGE MISTAKE.

I THOUGHT YOU WERE NICE,

BUT YOU'RE NOT NICE. YOU HATE ME.

I AM SO GLAD WE FINALLY UNDERSTAND EACH OTHER!

ME, TOO, FRANCES, 'CAUSE AS LONG AS

I'M GOING TO DATE YOUR SON, I DON'T WANT ANY PROBLEMS.

OVER MY DEAD BODY.

DOABLE.

IF YOU'RE GOING TO THROW A PUNCH,

TRY PUTTING YOUR WEIGHT INTO IT...

LIKE THIS.

HOOAHH!

[SCREAMING AND SLUGGING]

WILL THE LADIES BE RETURNING?

ONE OF THEM WILL.

EEEYAH!

OW! OW! OW! OW!

I'M DR. SOLOMON! WHERE'S MY SON? MY SON HARRY?

THE GOOD NEWS IS, HE'S ALIVE.

OH! THANK GOD!

BUT I HAVE TO WARN YOU,

HE DON'T LOOK SO GOOD.

OH! OH!

OH, THAT'S WHAT HE ALWAYS LOOKS LIKE.

HARRY.

DICK.

HARRY, I'VE FAILED YOU! IF I'D BEEN THERE FOR YOU

WHEN YOU NEEDED ME, YOU WOULDN'T HAVE RUN OUT!

MY GOD, YOU COULD'VE DIED.

DICK. I ALMOST DID DIE.

WHAT HAPPENED?

IT WAS THE MOST AMAZING JOURNEY.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

WELL...I WAS LEAVING THE COLONEL AFTER PICKING UP CHICKEN.

WAIT. WHY CHICKEN?

LONG STORY SHORT-- I HAVE NO IDEA.

SO I WAS ON MY WAY TO THE BIG RACE,

AND A PAPER BAG BLEW ACROSS THE ROAD.

I WAS AFRAID IT WAS FULL OF BUNNIES, SO I SWERVED.

AND RIGHT AS THE CAR WAS FLYING INTO THE DITCH...

MY WHOLE LIFE FLASHED BEFORE MY EYES.

HARRY... HARRY, I DON'T MEAN TO BE INSENSITIVE,

BUT WHAT'S YOUR POINT?

OH. WELL, ALL I COULD THINK WAS...

I HAVE A RAGE TO LIVE.

AND THEN THE CAR LANDED, AND I SAID,

"HEY, WORLD, I'M ALIVE.

AND THESE PANTS ARE WASHABLE."

THAT'S A BEAUTIFUL STORY.

THANK YOU.

OH, DICK, IT DOESN'T MATTER

THAT I'M AN UNDERLING WITH A THING IN MY HEAD.

WHAT MATTERS MOST IS LIFE ITSELF.

AND THE GREATEST THING ABOUT LIFE IS NOT HAVING A PURPOSE.

IT'S FINDING...

A PURPOSE.

WHY, HARRY...

YOU SOUND EXACTLY LIKE ME.

LIKE FAKE FATHER,

LIKE FAKE SON.

DICK, COULD WE JUST DROP THE FATHER THING

AND GO BACK TO BEING FAKE BROTHERS?

YOU DON'T WANT ME TO BE YOUR DAD ANYMORE?

NO.

GOOD.

BECAUSE I WAS THIS CLOSE

TO DROP-KICKING YOUR SORRY BUTT

FROM HERE TO THE OUTLET MALL!

SORRY YOU HAD TO PAY THE DAMAGES AT THE RESTAURANT.

NO. IT WAS WORTH THE $1,700.

WAIT TILL MY BROTHER'S WIFE HEARS ABOUT THIS.

ONCE AT CHRISTMAS, SHE TOOK A CLUMSY SWING,

BUT MOM GOT HER IN A HEADLOCK, AND SHE BLACKED OUT.

YOU WERE GREAT. OH, I REALLY LIKED HER.

SHE DIDN'T LIKE YOU.

YEAH, I DIDN'T LIKE HER, EITHER.

I REALLY LIKE YOU, THOUGH.

SAME HERE.

OW!

YOUR MOTHER WEARS A LOT OF RINGS.

NO.

PAIN CAN BE GOOD.

YOU KNOW, SOMEDAY I'D LIKE TO BE A REAL FATHER

WITH A REAL SON, AND

THE LITTLE GUY WOULD BE SWEET AND CUDDLY,

PINK AND PUFFY.

JUST LIKE HIS OLD MAN.

YOU DO REALIZE, OF COURSE,

THAT YOUR SON COULD WIND UP BEING YOUR DAUGHTER.

OH. OH, NO, NO. NOT MY SON.

THAT MR. RANDALL WOULD MAKE A GREAT FATHER.

I CAN SEE HIM NOW,

SITTING WITH HIS KIDS, HELPING THEM WITH THEIR HOMEWORK,

TELLING THEM WHAT A COW PIE THEIR GRANDMOTHER IS.

ALL THIS ROMANCE TALK MAKES ME WANT TO CALL MY GIRLFRIEND.

HEY, HARRY, CAN YOU GIVE ME A DIAL TONE?

WELL AREN'T WE WITTY? LET ME ASK YOU THIS.

HAS THE BIG GIANT HEAD EVER CALLED US?

NOT YET.

HOW WILL WE KNOW HE'S CALLING?

HARRY WILL SUDDENLY GO BLANK...

STARE OFF INTO SPACE.

LIKE I SAID, HOW WILL WE KNOW WHEN HE DOES?