Original subtitles

WHY COME TO SCHOOL TO TALK TO TOMMY'S TEACHERS?

IT'S A COMPLETE WASTE OF TIME.

WHY CAN'T THEY COME TO US?

THE HIGH SCHOOL TEACHERS ON THIS PLANET

ARE SO FULL OF THEMSELVES.

IT'S ALL THOSE TV COMMERCIALS GLORIFYING LEARNING.

"THE MORE YOU KNOW."

IT MAKES THEM DRUNK WITH POWER.

YEAH. WELL, THAT'S GOING TO CHANGE RIGHT NOW.

WHERE'S THIS MR. RANDELL, ANYWAY?

WHEN THAT MEALY-MOUTHED LITTLE WORM SHOWS UP,

I'LL TEACH HIM THE MEANING OF THE WORD--

HIYA.

DR. AND MRS. SOLOMON?

NO.

NO, NO, NO.

I'M HIS SISTER.

A WOMAN.

NOT MARRIED.

JUST ME.

SINGLE SALLY.

I'D LIKE TO GET OUT OF HERE WHILE I'M STILL CLEAN-SHAVEN.

SO YOU CAN BEGIN LAVISHING TOMMY WITH PRAISES

ANYTIME YOU'RE READY.

WELL, UH, THE TRUTH IS,

I THINK TOMMY CAN DO A LOT BETTER.

BE CAREFUL, SIR. YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT THE CREATURE

I'VE COME TO THINK OF AS MY SON.

HE COULD DO BETTER.

YOU KNOW...

WHATEVER.

EXCUSE US.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

HE'S GIVING OFF THIS VIBE. CAN'T YOU FEEL IT?

DOES IT FEEL LIKE A STABBING PAIN IN YOUR LEFT BUTTOCK?

NO.

THEN I APPEAR TO BE SITTING ON A TACK.

DR. SOLOMON.

TOMMY'S VERY BRIGHT-- NO QUESTION.

UNFORTUNATELY, TOMMY'S HAVING A LITTLE TROUBLE FITTING IN.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

EXCUSE ME, BUT THERE'S SOMETHING

ABOUT THE THICKNESS OF YOUR NECK

AND THE BROADNESS OF YOUR SHOULDERS

THAT MAKES ME THINK YOU'D BE AN AGILE HUNTER

AND PROVIDE WELL FOR OUR CHILDREN.

SALLY, I CHAPERONE THE SCHOOL DANCE EVERY YEAR. WOULD YOU--

YES.

GREAT.

WAIT A MINUTE. WHAT ABOUT TOMMY?

HE'S FINE. GREAT KID.

WHY DIDN'T YOU SAY SO IN THE FIRST PLACE?

NEXT TIME, YOU MIGHT TRY ORGANIZING YOUR THOUGHTS

ON A LITTLE INDEX CARD FIRST. COME ON.

WASN'T HE CUTE?

TOTALLY ADORABLE. A LITTLE ON THE SCATTERED SIDE.

HE ASKED ME TO GO TO A DANCE. I GET TO GO DANCING!

NICE.

WHAT'S DANCING?

[ROCK MUSIC PLAYS]

HARRY, CAN I ASK YOU A QUESTION?

OH, UH, SURE.

JUST GIVE ME A SECOND TO FINISH WHAT I WAS DOING.

O.K., WHAT IS IT?

CAN YOU DANCE?

HMM. I HAVE NO IDEA, BUT I'LL TRY.

[DANCE MUSIC PLAYS]

[SNAPPING FINGERS]

WHY, YES, I CAN.

IT APPEARS I'M QUITE GOOD.

HOW ARE YOU DOING THAT?

I HAVE NO IDEA.

I THINK IT'S A BUILT-IN FUNCTION.

YOU TRY.

WOW.

YOU SUCK.

YOU MUST FEEL LIKE CRAP.

THAT'S IT--

SMACK ME.

TOMMY. I TALKED TO YOUR TEACHER MR. RANDELL.

HE SAID YOU'RE NOT FITTING IN.

OF COURSE I'M NOT FITTING IN.

TO FIT IN, YOU HAVE TO BE SOMETHING.

WELL, WE'RE SOMETHING. WE'RE HUMAN BEINGS.

WHY? HAS ANYONE SAID DIFFERENTLY?

NO, IT'S JUST THAT EVERYBODY AT SCHOOL IS SOMETHING EXTRA.

THEY'RE AFRICAN-AMERICAN OR ITALIAN-AMERICAN,

ASIAN-AMERICAN, AUDIO-VISUAL AMERICAN.

WELL, WE'RE HUMAN-AMERICAN. THAT SHOULD BE ENOUGH.

DICK, IT'S PART OF MY MISSION AS AN ADOLESCENT

TO REBEL AGAINST MY UPBRINGING.

IF YOU DON'T TELL ME WHAT WE ARE, I CAN'T DO MY JOB.

IF WE HAVE TO BE PART OF SOME GROUP, WE WILL BE.

I'LL DO SOME RESEARCH. I'LL ASK AROUND.

I'LL FIND OUT WHAT THE BEST THING TO BE IS.

BY WEEK'S END, WE'LL BE THAT.

WHAT SHOULD I BE TILL THEN?

WE'RE CARBON-BASED LIFE FORMS.

JUST TELL EVERYONE WE'RE CARBO-AMERICANS.

AZTEC...

TOLTEC...

TOLTEC, INCA, INUIT...

BEDOUIN,

INDIAN...

SIKH.

[CLEARS THROAT]

AZTEC, TOLTEC, TOLTEC, INCA,

INCA, BEDOUIN, INDIAN, SIKH.

AZTEC, TOLTEC, TOLTEC, INCA,

INCA, BEDOUIN, IND--

WHAT ARE YOU DOING AT MY DESK?

ANTHROPOLOGY-- IT'S FASCINATING.

SUCH A WEALTH OF CULTURES.

UP UNTIL NOW, I THOUGHT WHAT YOU DID WAS POINTLESS

AND OF NO INTEREST TO ANYONE BUT YOURSELF.

WELL, IT'S CERTAINLY NOT AS FASCINATING AS PHYSICS.

I MEAN, EVERYBODY LOVES MATH.

NINA, WHAT IS THAT THING ON YOUR HEAD?

IT'S CALLED A DAIKU.

I THINK IT'S BEAUTIFUL.

THANK YOU. IT'S AUTHENTIC.

IT MAKES ME FEEL CONNECTED TO MY ANCESTORS.

SO THAT'S THE TRADITIONAL HEADDRESS OF ANCIENT SECRETARIES?

NO.

OF MY AFRICAN ANCESTORS.

IN CASE YOU HAVEN'T NOTICED,

I'M BLACK.

WELL, OF COURSE I NOTICED.

AND DR. ALBRIGHT, YOU ARE...

COULD I BE ANY WHITER?

WHAT?

I'M SORRY. ALL YOU PEOPLE LOOK ALIKE TO ME.

EXCUSE ME? WHAT DID YOU SAY?

I DON'T SEE WHY PEOPLE HAVE TO DIVIDE UP INTO ARBITRARY SUBSETS.

I MEAN, SKIN COLOR, PLEASE.

YOU MAY SEE COLOR, BUT I SEE PEOPLE.

AREN'T WE FORTUNATE TO HAVE SOMEONE SO ENLIGHTENED?

[SIGHS]

OH, PIOUS ONE, SHOW US THE WAY.

THIS VERGES ON SARCASM.

MY HERITAGE HAPPENS TO BE

VERY IMPORTANT TO ME.

AS IT SHOULD BE.

I'M IRISH, AND I'M VERY PROUD OF THAT.

AND YOU'RE...WHAT?

UH, ME?

I--I--I--I'M, UH...

ONE OF THOSE, UH...

YOU KNOW, ONE OF THE REALLY GOOD ONES.

YOU'RE THIS BIG ANTHROPOLOGIST.

YOU TELL ME. WHAT AM I?

CERTIFIABLE.

YES, THAT'S WHAT I AM... CERTIFIABLE.

CERTIFIABLE AND DAMN PROUD OF IT.

AS MY FATHER WAS BEFORE ME

AND HIS FATHER BEFORE HIM AND HIS FATHER BEFORE HIM.

CERTIFIABLE.

OF COURSE, WE NO LONGER PRACTICE.

YOU SEE, SALLY, DANCING IS ALL ABOUT ATTITUDE.

WATCH HARRY.

SEE... * I GOT THAT HIP-HOP STREAK *

* DON'T CARE ABOUT NOTHIN'

* 'CAUSE I'M ALL OF THAT AND A SIDE OF FRIES... *

WHEREAS MY ATTITUDE IS MORE...

* GOT HOME FROM TEACHIN' PHYSICS *

* AND I'M WONDERIN' WHAT'S FOR DINNER *

* BUT I AIN'T GONNA SWEAT IT *

* 'CAUSE I AIN'T EVEN FROM HERE *

HUH! HUH! HUH! HUH!

HUH! HUH! HUH! HUH!

* ALTHOUGH WE DIS 'EM

* WE LOVE THIS SOLAR SYSTEM *

I HATE THIS!

I CAN'T BELIEVE I HAVE TO LEARN HOW TO DANCE

TO BE WITH THIS GUY.

IF YOU REALLY WANT MR. RANDELL,

USE THE SKILLS YOU'RE COMFORTABLE WITH.

SHOOT A TRANQUILIZER DART INTO HIS NECK

AND DRAG HIM BACK TO YOUR PLACE.

THAT IS NOT THE BEHAVIOR OF A HUMAN FEMALE.

EXACTLY.

I WANT TO CHARM HIM, BEGUILE HIM...

I WANT HIM TO BUY ME A PWESENT.

TOMMY, HOW WAS SCHOOL?

AWFUL.

I LOST MY MATH BOOK,

AND I COULDN'T CONVINCE ANYBODY THAT I WAS SAMOAN.

DON'T WORRY.

THE ANSWER TO ALL OUR PROBLEMS

IS RIGHT HERE IN THIS BOOK.

IT'S LOADED WITH EVERY POSSIBLE GENRE OF HUMAN.

IT'S LIKE A CATALOG.

YOU CAN TAKE YOU PICK, WHATEVER YOU WANT TO BE.

SO, WHO DO YOU WANT TO JOIN?

THEY'RE TOO SCRAWNY.

THEM?

NO. UGLY FLAG.

NO. TOO MANY GODS.

I'M NOT PUTTING THAT ON MY HEAD.

AHA! HERE WE GO.

CANADIANS.

YAH. RIGHT.

NOW, LET'S HAVE A LOOK AT EINSTEIN'S BOUNDARY CONDITIONS

ACCORDING TO THE THEORY OF RELATIVITY.

EINSTEIN, A JEW...

NEVER COULD HAVE MADE THIS BREAKTHROUGH

HAD IT NOT BEEN FOR THE EARLIER WORK

OF COPERNICUS, POLISH...

OR TYCHO BRAHE,

THE UNLUCKY DANE FROM PRAGUE.

WHICH BRINGS UP ANOTHER QUESTION.

HOW MANY PUERTO RICANS DO WE HAVE IN CLASS?

ANY PUERTO RICANS?

LEON, WHAT ARE YOU?

YOU DON'T HAVE TO ANSWER THAT.

DUTCH.

I LOVE YOUR TULIPS AND YOUR DIKES.

OH, THANK YOU.

HOWEVER, I TURNED YOUR PEOPLE DOWN

BECAUSE OF THE SILLY SHOES.

O.K. NO PUERTO RICANS?

ANY LATINOS IN GENERAL?

ANYONE WITH LATINO INFORMATION?

DR. SOLOMON, WITH ALL DUE RESPECT,

I FIND THIS OFFENSIVE.

PITTMAN, YOU WON'T BE LEFT OUT,

I'LL GET TO THE ASIANS.

WHY ARE YOU SUDDENLY SO INTERESTED IN WHAT EVERYBODY IS?

I HAVE TO KNOW. IT'S IMPORTANT.

YES, IT IS. NO, IT'S NOT.

NO, IT'S NOT.

THE ONLY THING THAT MATTERS ABOUT A PERSON

IS WHAT THEY HAVE INSIDE.

YEAH? THEN HOW COME YOU ONLY DATE GOOD-LOOKING GUYS.

THAT'S NOT TRUE.

YOU TURNED HIM DOWN.

SHUT UP.

HERE ARE YOUR BOOKS.

I READ EACH ONE OF THEM,

AND I'M JUST AS CONFUSED AS I EVER WAS.

YOU READ 15 BOOKS IN ONE NIGHT?

WELL, I TOOK A COUPLE OF HOURS OUT

TO WATCH JAPANESE GOLF ON CABLE.

THE PROBLEM IS, THESE BOOKS ARE FULL OF DRY FACTS,

BUT NO VALUE JUDGMENTS.

THIS IS YOUR FIELD. YOU TELL ME.

OUT OF ALL THE POSSIBLE ETHNIC GROUPS, WHICH IS THE BEST?

OH, NO. THERE'S NO BEST.

IT'S ALL SUBJECTIVE.

WHICH DO YOU FIND THE MOST INTERESTING?

OH, THERE'S SO MANY.

I LOVE THE CREATIVE AMBITION OF THE MAORI PEOPLE.

UH...THE POLYNESIAN CULTURE WITH ITS JOYOUS EMBRACE OF NATURE.

UH, THE QUIET DIGNITY--

WHAT'S THE SEXIEST?

ITALIANS.

ITALIANS.

SMOKY, SWARTHY--

GOTTA HAVE 'EM.

OH. GOT TO GO.

ITALIANS.

* IN NAPOLI

* WHERE LOVE IS-A KING

* WHERE A BOY MEETS A GIRL *

* HERE IS-A WHAT THEY SING *

* WHEN THE MOON HITS-A YOUR EYE *

* LIKE A BIG PIZZA PIE

* THAT'S AMORE *

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

BUONA SERA, SIGNORINA.

[SPEAKING ITALIAN]

* WHEN THE WORLD-A SEEMS TO SHINE *

* LIKE-A YOU'VE HAD-A YOU TOO MUCH WINE *

* THAT'S AMORE *

* BELLS WILL RING, TING-A-TING-A-LING *

* TING-A-TING-A-LING

* AND YOU'LL SING VI *

* TA BELLA

* HEARTS WILL PLAY, TIPPY-TIPPY-TAY *

* TIPPY-TIPPY-TAY

* LIKE A GAY TAR

* AN

* TELLA

[SHOUTS IN ITALIAN]

[MAN] WHAT THE HELL'S GOING ON OUT THERE?

NOTHING, MR. RATNER!

OH, WOULD YOU PLEASE GET OUT OF HERE

BEFORE SOMEBODY CALLS THE COPS?

THE COPS, THEY CANNOT-A THWART MY PASSION.

I WILL STAND-A RIGHT HERE

TILL YOUR PACK OF-A WILD DOGS

CHASE-A ME AWAY!

[DOGS BARKING]

DOGS!

RUN!

[CONTINUES TO PLAY THAT'S AMORE]

[BARKING]

USUALLY WHEN A STUDENT GETS HURT,

WE LET THEM GO HOME EARLY.

SOMEONE FROM YOUR FAMILY COULD COME PICK YOU UP.

SOMEONE LIKE...SALLY.

WHY DID YOU SAY HER NAME LIKE THAT?

WHAT?

ALL I SAID WAS...

SALLY.

I DON'T REALLY NEED TO GET PICKED UP.

EXACTLY WHAT HAPPENED?

I DON'T KNOW WHAT I DID WRONG,

BUT I'M KIND OF NEW AT BEING KOREAN.

OOPS.

YOU LEFT THIS IN MY DRIVEWAY.

WHAT HAPPENED TO IT?

I BACKED OVER IT FIVE OR SIX TIMES.

IT WAS AN ACCIDENT.

DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA

HOW BADLY YOU EMBARRASSED ME LAST NIGHT?

DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW HARD IT IS

TO FIND A CONCERTINA IN OHIO?

WHAT THE HELL WAS GOING ON IN YOUR HEAD?

I SEE. APPARENTLY, YOU DON'T LIKE ITALIANS AS MUCH AS YOU CLAIM.

SINCE WHEN DON'T YOU LIKE ITALIANS?

PLEASE, NINA, WE'RE DISCUSSING PREJUDICE HERE,

SOMETHING YOU KNOW NOTHING ABOUT.

I'M BLACK.

OH!

RIGHT.

RIGHT.

"NINA IS...

BLACK."

SALLY, COME OUT OF THERE.

GO AWAY!

THEN WE'RE COMING IN.

WHAT'S WRONG?

YOU LOOK BEAUTIFUL.

OH, SURE. YOU CAN PUT ON A TIGHT LITTLE DRESS

AND LOOK SEXY AND GORGEOUS,

BUT ALL MEN CARE ABOUT IS HOW YOU DANCE.

WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH YOU?

I'M AFRAID!

OF WHAT?

I'M AFRAID I'LL DO SOMETHING STUPID,

AND HE WON'T LIKE ME.

DON'T LEAK. I HATE IT WHEN YOU LEAK.

WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME?

I HAVE NO IDEA.

UH, DICK,

MAYBE I'M JUST SHOOTIN' PORK IN A BARREL HERE,

BUT ISN'T THAT HOW YOU FEEL ABOUT DR. ALBRIGHT?

OH, PLEASE.

THAT IS SO WRONG. MR. RANDELL IS YOUNG AND--

[POUNDING ON DOOR]

[ARGUING]

COME IN.

OW.

SORRY TO INTERRUPT, BUT, SALLY, YOUR DATE'S HERE.

WHAT AM I GOING TO DO?

YOU'RE GOING TO BE GREAT, AND YOU KNOW WHY?

WHY?

BECAUSE YOU'RE ONE OF US.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT THAT IS YET.

WHEN I FIND OUT, THAT'S WHAT YOU'LL BE!

EVERYBODY READY?

READY. READY.

LET'S GO.

NOW GO OUT THERE AND BE A GIRL!

YOU LOOK INCREDIBLE.

THANK YOU. WELL... COME ON.

THOSE ARE BEAUTIFUL.

[SLOW ROMANTIC MUSIC PLAYS]

WELL...

WELL.

SO--

WHAT?

WOULD YOU LIKE TO--

BEAR YOUR CHILDREN?

NO. I WAS GOING TO SAY DANCE.

OHH...

THAT WAS REALLY EMBARRASSING, WASN'T IT?

NO.

NO, NOT AT ALL.

SO WOULD YOU LIKE TO?

BEAR YOUR CHILDREN?

DANCE.

OH. UH...

WELL, SEE, I DON'T REALLY THINK THAT WOULD--

O.K.

AHH...

NOW, THIS I CAN DO.

I WAS KIND OF AFRAID TO COME HERE TONIGHT.

WHY?

I JUST WASN'T SURE I'D HAVE A GOOD TIME.

ARE YOU HAVING A GOOD TIME?

OH, YEAH.

CAN I PUT MY ARM AROUND YOU?

YES.

CAN I PUT MY HEAD ON YOUR SHOULDER?

PLEASE.

CAN I PUT MY HAND IN YOUR POCKET?

DO YOU NEED CHANGE?

DESPERATELY.

YOU'RE SO WONDERFUL.

MY WHOLE FRONT IS WARM.

DO YOU MIND IF I TURN AROUND?

WELL, I--

MMM...

TOASTY.

I DON'T WANT TO PUT YOU ON THE SPOT,

BUT IF WE DON'T KISS SOON, MY HEAD'S GOING TO EXPLODE.

YOU KNOW WHAT'S GOOD FOR THAT? CALCIUM.

[PLAYING THE BLUES]

* OH, THIS PLANET SUCKS

* LORD, IT MAKES ME WANNA CRY *

* YEAH, I SAID THIS PLANET SUCKS *

* LORD, IT MAKES A POOR BOY WANNA CRY *

* AND IF I DIDN'T KNOW WE WAS LEAVIN' *

* LORD, I MIGHT JUST HANG MY HEAD DOWN AND DIE *

TOMMY, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

WELL I'M BLACK NOW.

I'M BLACK, AND I GOT THE BLUES.

YOU CAN'T BE BLACK, NINA IS BLACK.

I GET THE IMPRESSION FROM HER

THEY HAVE STRICT RULES ABOUT THESE THINGS.

* NOW I CAN'T EVEN BE BLACK-- *

TOMMY, PUT THAT THING DOWN!

* THE MAN START BOSSIN'

* BEST BELIEVE YOU BETTER JUMP... *

WAAH!

STOP IT! STOP IT!

[TURNS OFF AMPLIFIER]

WHO DIED AND MADE YOU T-BONE WALKER?

MRS. DUBCEK, AS LONG AS YOU'RE UP HERE,

WHAT ETHNIC GROUP DO YOU COME FROM?

WELL, I'M A LITTLE CZECH, A LITTLE ROMANIAN.

I'M YOUR BASIC SLAVIC MUTT, LIKE MY THIRD HUSBAND.

WHAT WERE YOUR FIRST TWO?

WELL FIRST WAS IRISH

AND THE SECOND WAS ONE OF YOUR PEOPLE.

OUR PEOPLE?

WELL, YOU KNOW, JEWISH.

JEWISH! JEWISH! JEWISH!

SO, WHAT TIPPED YOU OFF?

WITH YOUR NAME IT'S PRETTY OBVIOUS.

OUR NAME?

SOLOMON.

[GASP]

OH, YOU WONDERFUL, WONDERFUL WOMAN!

THANK YOU SO MUCH!

I REALLY HAVE TO GO NOW.

I'M STILL A MINORITY.

YOU KNOW, CHICKS DIG MINORITIES.

WHO KNEW THAT SOLOMON WAS A JEWISH NAME

WHEN WE TOOK IT OFF THE SIDE OF THAT TRUCK?

GO FIGURE.

WE COULD HAVE BEEN THE WAL-MARTS.

[VOICE BREAKING] WE'RE JEWISH.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO SAY.

MAZEL TOV!

I'M SORRY. IT JUST POPPED OUT.

ISN'T IT GREAT TO KNOW WHO WE ARE?

I FINALLY FEEL LIKE I BELONG

IN THIS BIG MELTING POT THEY CALL EARTH.

WHAT A MAGICAL NIGHT.

EVERYTHING WAS PERFECT.

I WAS GREAT.

HE REALLY LIKED MY KISSING.

EXCEPT THE SPITTING AND BITING.

SO YOU REALLY LIKE HIM, HUH?

WHAT'S NOT TO LIKE?

HE'S INTELLIGENT, KIND, SWEET, GENTLE.

SO...

IS HE JEWISH?

[PLAYING THEME FROM FIDDLER ON THE ROOF]