Original subtitles

THESE DEODORANTS ARE A RIPOFF.

THEY ALWAYS RUN OUT BY THE TIME I GET TO MY FEET.

DICK, THE MAIL'S HERE.

OOH! MY PACKAGE FROM THE CAROUSEL CD CLUB.

YOU INFILTRATED A CLUB?

GOOD WORK, HARRY!

I GOT 10 CDs FOR ONE PENNY.

ALL I'VE GOT TO DO IS BUY EIGHT MORE

AT REGULAR CLUB PRICES,

WHICH ARE OFTEN AT OR BELOW RETAIL STORE PRICES.

WAY TO GO.

LIKE TAKING CANDY FROM A BABY.

SUCH PRIMITIVE TECHNOLOGY.

I WONDER IF THE PEOPLE ON THIS PLANET WILL EVER DISCOVER

THE SUPERIOR SOUND OF VINYL.

SO WHAT KIND OF MUSIC DID YOU GET?

I JUST TOLD THEM TO SURPRISE ME.

[ELECTRIC AVENUE PLAYS]

WELL, THIS IS SURPRISING.

* HEY

UH, WHY AM I DOING THIS?

* NOW IN THE STREET THERE IS VIOLENCE *

THE SAME REASON I'M DOING THIS, I SUPPOSE.

THIS IS VERY POWERFUL.

I'M FEELIN' FUNKY.

THIS IS NOT GOOD.

I CAN'T STOP!

NOBODY PANIC!

LET'S GET OUT OF HERE!

* ELECTRIC AVENUE

* AND THEN WE'LL TAKE IT HIGHER *

* OH, WE GOT TO ROCK DOWN TO... *

OW!

ENRICHED WHEAT FLOUR, BUTYLATED HYDROXYANISOLE, SODIUM ACID PYROPHOSPHATE.

NEEDS MORE BUTYLATED HYDROXYANISOLE.

ISN'T THIS INTERESTING.

THEY OPENED UP A HARD ROCK CAFE IN VIETNAM.

THE WORLD HAS CHANGED, HUH?

IT SURE HAS.

ONCE IT WAS COMPLETELY COVERED WITH ICE.

THE ADMINISTRATION OFFICE CALLED.

THEY CONTACTED STANFORD ABOUT TRANSFERRING YOUR GRADUATE RECORDS.

THEY DON'T SEEM TO HAVE THEM.

ARE YOU IMPLYING THAT I DON'T HAVE RECORDS?

ALL HUMANS HAVE RECORDS, AND I'M A HUMAN.

THEREFORE, I HAVE RECORDS.

STANFORD SAYS THEY HAVE NO RECORD OF YOU AT ALL.

OH! THOSE INCOMPETENTS!

DO I HAVE TO FLY OUT TO DENVER

AND STRAIGHTEN THIS OUT MYSELF?

STANFORD'S IN CALIFORNIA, NOT DENVER.

WELL, THAT EXPLAINS IT.

THEY LOST MY RECORDS IN THE MOVE.

SO YOU WERE AT STANFORD IN THE SIXTIES.

AH. WHO WASN'T?

I WAS AT BERKELEY.

GOD. THAT TAKES ME BACK.

I REMEMBER I WAS AT STANFORD ONCE

TO PROTEST--

THERE'S ONLY TWO THINGS I KNOW ABOUT THE SIXTIES--

I WASN'T BORN YET, AND NO ONE CARES.

PEACE.

I GUESS YOU HAD TO BE THERE.

APPARENTLY SO.

OUT OF CONTROL, MIND-NUMBING, SELF DESTRUCTIVE FUN.

SOUNDS LIKE A CLICHé,

BUT I ACTUALLY REMEMBER BURNING MY BRA

IN FRONT OF THE LINCOLN REFLECTING POOL.

I HOPE YOU HAD THE GOOD SENSE

TO JUMP IN AND PUT YOURSELF OUT.

GOD! I WAS A REBEL.

* HOW MANY ROADS

* MUST A...

* MAN WALK DOWN

* BEFORE THEY CALL

* HIM...A...

* MAN?

[HUMMING]

YOU WOULDN'T BELIEVE IT TO LOOK AT ME NOW,

BUT BACK THEN I WAS A WILD WOMAN.

IF I WANTED TO DO SOMETHING, I JUST DID IT.

DID YOU EVER DROP ACID?

OH, CONSTANTLY.

THAT'S HOW I DROPPED THE ACID.

SERIOUSLY. I WANT TO KNOW.

WERE YOU INVOLVED IN ANY MOVEMENTS?

THIS ONE...

[IMITATES CURLY FROM THE THREE STOOGES]

ALWAYS ONE OF MY FAVORITES.

DR. SOLOMON...

EVERY TIME I ASK YOU ABOUT YOUR PAST...

YOU CHANGE THE SUBJECT.

YOU KNOW WHO REALLY KEEPS CHANGING THE SUBJECT?

MY STUDENTS. ONE OF THEM IS GOING TO ALASKA.

SO HOW'S YOUR BROTHER?

DICK, I'M HERE. LET'S GO.

YOU HEARD HIM. GOT TO GO.

YOU CALL YOUR FATHER DICK?

YEAH, WHEN HE WAS YOUNGER I USED TO CALL HIM PEANUT.

YES, WELL, HAVE TO RUN. SEE YOU TOMORROW.

HAVE A WONDERFUL NIGHT. BYE-BYE!

[TAMMY WYNETTE SINGS D-I-V-O-R-C-E]

[SOBBING]

[SNIFFLE]

OH, GOD!

THIS IS SO SAD!

COUNTRY SINGERS HAVE REALLY TOUGH LIVES.

WHY?

[TURNS OFF MUSIC]

WHAT'S HER COMPLAINT?

SHE LIVES IN A TRAILER.

SHE COULD JUST ROLL AWAY SOMEWHERE,

AND THE CD CLUB WOULD NEVER FIND HER.

WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT'S INVOLVED WITH THIS?

THE PAPERWORK, THE DECISIONS.

WHY DIDN'T I GO WITH THE CHEESE OF THE MONTH CLUB?

NO GUESSWORK.

JUST CHEESE.

THAT WAS A FIASCO!

YOU'RE THE INFORMATION OFFICER!

HOW CAN YOU BRIEF US ON AMERICAN HISTORY

AND LEAVE OUT AN ENTIRE DECADE?

I LEFT OUT THE SIXTIES. SO WHAT?

EXACTLY HOW FAR BACK DID YOU ESTABLISH OUR IDENTITIES?

FIVE OR SIX MONTHS.

YOUR ASSIGNMENT WAS TO PROVIDE

COMPLETE HISTORIES FOR ALL OF US!

WELL, I HAD A BOOK REPORT DUE

ON ARE YOU THERE, GOD? IT'S ME, MARGARET.

TOMMY...

I'M NOT SURE YOU UNDERSTAND THE IMPORTANCE OF THIS.

HUMANS ARE CREATIONS OF THEIR PASTS.

SOCIETY, CULTURE, EVEN BIOLOGY DEMAND

THAT THEY CARRY AROUND THEIR PASTS, LIKE BAGGAGE,

AND YOUR LACK OF EFFORT ALMOST EXPOSED THE ENTIRE OPERATION!

FINE! SO FROM NOW ON, MY HOMEWORK COMES LAST.

THOSE ARE THE HOUSE RULES, MISTER!

HELLO! HEY, I FOUND THOSE BOOKS ON THE SIXTIES.

OH, GOOD, GOOD.

NEVER MIND THE BOURBON STAINS.

OH, THANK YOU, MRS. D.

THE SIXTIES-- WHAT A LOVELY, LOVELY DECADE.

A LOT OF THE STUFF IN THIS APARTMENT IS FROM THE SIXTIES.

CLASSIC THINGS NEVER GO OUT OF STYLE.

THOSE LONG-HAIRED FREAKS THOUGHT THEY WERE SO COOL.

LET ME TELL YOU ONE THING.

I WAS READING POETRY WITH JACK KEROUAC

IN A CAGE IN 1956,

BOTH OF US BUCK NAKED.

YES, WELL, THANK YOU FOR THAT DISTURBING VISUAL.

I DIDN'T HEAR KEROUAC COMPLAIN.

AW, THE ELECTRIC KOOL-AID ACID TEST.

GETTING NOSTALGIC?

AH, YES, THOSE WERE THE DAYS, MY FRIEND.

BUT YOU KNOW, ALL THIS UPROAR, ALL THIS RHETORIC,

ALL THIS TALK ABOUT MASS MOVEMENTS,

I MEAN, WHAT'S HAPPENING HERE?

HISTORY IS MADE BY THE INDIVIDUAL, NOT BY THE MASSES.

WHO SAID THAT?

I DID.

NO. WHERE'S THAT FROM?

MY MOUTH.

NO! SOMEBODY SAID THAT.

HELLO.

THIS IS SO WEIRD.

THIS IS SO WEIRD.

YEAH. YEAH. RIGHT ON. YEAH.

YOU'VE BEEN RINSED AND HUNG OUT TO DRY.

THINK ABOUT IT.

DIG IT, BABE.

IT'S WHAT'S HAPPENING.

HISTORY IS MADE BY THE INDIVIDUAL, NOT BY THE MASSES.

WHO SAID THAT?

I DID.

WOW.

WOW. FAR OUR. FAR OUT. WOW.

WOW.

WHAT'S THE MATTER?

I COULDN'T PUT IT TOGETHER UNTIL NOW.

IT FINALLY CLICKED.

THE EVASIVENESS...

INCONSISTENCIES IN YOUR PAST...

DICK SOLOMON IS A FALSE IDENTITY, ISN'T IT?

FALSE IDENTITY?

ME? NO.

YOU COULD'VE TRUSTED ME, YOU KNOW.

WELL, I--I--I--I--I--

THERE ARE SO MANY PEOPLE IN THE GOVERNMENT

WHO WOULD LOVE TO GET THEIR HANDS ON YOU.

You can't let that happen!

They'd parade me around like an animal!

DON'T WORRY.

YOUR SECRET'S SAFE WITH ME, MANNY.

MANNY ROSENBERG.

BUT I'M NOT MANNY ROSENBER--

OF COURSE NOT.

BECAUSE MANNY ROSENBERG...

IS STILL BEING HUNTED BY THE FBI.

FOR FOOD OR SPORT?

* WAKE ME UP BEFORE YOU GO-GO *

* DON'T LEAVE ME HANGIN' ON LIKE A YO-YO *

* WAKE ME UP BEFORE YOU GO-GO *

THIS--SO-- MANNY ROSENBERG WAS--

* WAKE ME UP...

WHAT?

MANNY ROSENBERG WAS AN ACTIV--

WHAT?

EXCUSE ME.

[CRUNCH]

O.K. WHERE WAS I?

"MANNY ROSENBERG WAS AN ACTIVIST

INVOLVED IN INCITING A RIOT IN 1971."

IS THERE ANYTHING ELSE?

I'M LOOKING...

ALL RIGHT. I FOUND ANOTHER BOX IN THE BASEMENT.

WHAT'S "X-MAS"?

I DON'T KNOW, BUT IT'S GOT TO BE SOMETHING PSYCHEDELIC.

CHECK THIS OUT.

THIS IS HEAVY.

FAR OUT MY MIND IS BLOWN.

AND WHO IS THIS?

I THINK IT'S JERRY GARCIA.

HERE'S A PICTURE OF MANNY ROSENBERG.

HE LOOKS EXACTLY LIKE YOU!

OH, DAMN!

I WAS SUPPOSED TO GET A COMPLETELY ORIGINAL BODY!

THOSE GUYS IN RESEARCH CAN'T DO ANYTHING RIGHT!

WHAT DO YOU EXPECT? THEY'RE NON-UNION.

THIS COULD REALLY BE TROUBLE.

TOMMY, HOW ARE OUR HISTORIES COMING ALONG?

OH, WELL, I HAVE THEM RIGHT HERE.

LEGAL DOCUMENTS, SCHOOL RECORDS,

DOCTORED PICTURES, THE WORKS.

DICK SOLOMON, CLASS NERD, HELD BACK BY A DOMINEERING MOTHER,

WENT TO WORK FOR NASA IN '74,

BUT WAS FIRED AFTER A MINOR PROCUREMENT SCANDAL--

NEWSPAPER CLIPPINGS ARE ENCLOSED--

MAJOR BURNOUT LED TO A STRING OF SECOND-RATE TEACHING JOBS,

YADDA-YADDA-YADDA, ENDING UP HERE.

THIS IS EXCELLENT.

WHAT ABOUT ME?

STOCKBROKER DURING THE GREEDY EIGHTIES

MADE AND LOST SEVERAL FORTUNES

BEFORE PSYCHOLOGICAL PROBLEMS AND GENDER CONFUSION

LED TO A SEX-CHANGE OPERATION IN 1988.

I'M NEXT.

HARRY, YOU'RE ADOPTED,

BUT WE HAVEN'T TOLD YOU YET.

OHH...

THAT'S GONNA HURT.

OH, DR. ALBRIGHT, I'M GLAD YOU'RE HERE.

GOOD MORNING, DR. SOLOMON.

YES, WELL, I'D LIKE TO CLEAR UP

A FEW MISUNDERSTANDINGS ABOUT YESTERDAY.

FOR SOME REASON, YOU MISTAKENLY THINK

I'M THIS MANNY ROSENBERG FELLA.

OH, DON'T EVEN BOTHER.

I TOLD YOU YOU COULD TRUST ME.

YOU PROBABLY DON'T REMEMBER, BUT WE'VE ACTUALLY MET BEFORE.

YOU SPOKE AT MY CAMPUS IN '69.

NOW, YOU SEE, THAT'S IMPOSSIBLE.

I WAS IN THE CIRCUS THEN.

THE FLYING SOLOMOSKIS. THERE WERE SIX OF US.

TWO OF US PLUNGED TO OUR DEATHS.

I DON'T EXPECT YOU TO REMEMBER ME,

WITH ALL THE PEOPLE YOU'VE MET.

YOU'RE SITTING ON MY DESK.

YOU'VE NEVER DONE THAT BEFORE.

DO YOU REMEMBER A RALLY AT BERKELEY?

DR. ALBRIGHT, YOU'RE NOT LISTENING.

I BROUGHT THIS IN TO PROVE--

THE STORIES YOU MUST HAVE.

WHAT?

YOU KNOW, I'D BE LYING

IF I SAID I FOUND THIS LESS THAN INTRIGUING.

WELL, ALL THOSE YEARS UNDERGROUND, YOU DO A LOT OF LIVING.

[RUNNING UPSTAIRS]

[SALLY] HARRY!

YOU GOT ANOTHER PACKAGE FROM THE CD CLUB.

I DON'T HAVE TIME TO LISTEN TO THE ONES I HAVE.

THOSE DEMONS.

THEY'RE NOT HUMAN.

NEITHER ARE WE.

WELL, YEAH, BUT WE HAVE AN EXCUSE.

HELLO?

WELL, I'M OFF TO DR. ALBRIGHT'S.

SHE BOUGHT MY PHONY PROFILE?

I DON'T EVEN NEED IT.

SHE LIKES ME MUCH BETTER

NOW THAT SHE THINKS I'M MANNY.

OH, GREAT! AFTER ALL I WENT THROUGH

CREATING A BACKGROUND FOR YOU.

DO YOU REALIZE I GOT YOU A WEEKEND IN CANCUN WITH TWIN GYMNASTS?

ALL I GOT AT THE ORPHANAGE

WAS A BEATING WHEN I ASKED FOR MORE GRUEL.

[JEFFERSON AIRPLANE'S WHITE RABBIT PLAYS]

[HUMMING]

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

FOR YOU. HELLO!

OH, YOU SHOULDN'T HAVE.

I'M GLAD YOU CAME.

OH, AND TO THINK ALL THIS TIME

I WAS JUST A DESK AWAY FROM DANGER.

THE THOUGHT OF THE FBI WATCHING US RIGHT NOW

IS SUCH A TURN-ON.

AND EVEN IF I WASN'T MANNY,

IT WOULD BE JUST AS EXCITING.

OH, DON'T BE SILLY.

OOH.

ARE THESE MAGIC BROWNIES?

PEPPERIDGE FARM.

YOU KNOW, I THINK I HAVE SOMETHING.

I FOUND IT WHEN I MOVED EIGHT YEARS AGO.

IT'S IN THE FREEZER.

IT'S A JOINT.

OOH. A DOOBIE.

LET'S BOGART THAT FAT BOY.

YOU KNOW WHAT I REGRET?

I NEVER MADE IT TO WOODSTOCK.

AH! YES, WOODSTOCK.

THE THREE-DAY CONCERT HELD ON A FARM IN UPSTATE NEW YORK

THAT INCLUDED MANY OF THE POPULAR MUSIC BANDS OF THE TIME,

FELT TO BE THE CULMINATION OF THE COUNTERCULTURE MOVEMENT

CAPTURED BY THE SONG WOODSTOCK BY JONI MITCHELL.

FOUND IT!

THE SONG WAS POPULARIZED

BY CROSBY, STILLS, AND NASH,

WHICH IS IRONIC,

SINCE THEIRS WAS THE MORE COMMERCIAL VERSION,

WHICH IS THE ANTITHESIS OF THE SPIRIT OF THE FESTIVAL.

HERE WE GO.

THIS ISN'T A JOINT.

IT'S A FROZEN FRENCH FRY.

OH, WELL.

I GUESS WE'LL JUST SETTLE FOR WINE.

YOU'RE AN INSPIRATION TO A NEO-TROTSKYITE,

ANTI-STALINIST MARXIST.

YOU'RE PRETTY TUNED IN FOR A BOURGEOIS CHICK.

[SIGHING]

MEET ME ON THE WATERBED UPSTAIRS

IN FIVE MINUTES.

OH, AND, UH... LOSE THE PINS.

WHAT?

HERE'S TO...

WATERBEDS.

HERE'S TO...

FLOOR LAMPS.

HELLO?

CAROUSEL CD CLUB?

I'LL CALL BACK LATER.

DON'T HANG UP THAT PHONE.

YOU CAN DO THIS, HARRY.

YOU CAN TAKE YOUR MIND BACK.

OR AT LEAST WHAT'S LEFT OF IT.

O.K., SALLY, I WILL.

LISTEN TO ME, BUSTER.

I'M NOT HAPPY, AND I WANT MY MONEY BACK.

VERY GOOD!

I'M SUPPOSED TO PRESS 2 NOW.

YES, HELLO?

WE NEED TO TALK.

I'M AT A PLACE IN MY LIFE

WHERE I'M JUST NOT READY FOR THIS KIND OF COMMITMENT.

I THINK IT'S BEST THAT WE BREAK FREE,

GO OUR SEPARATE WAYS.

YOU WILL?

OH, THANKS.

HMM?

WELL, YES...

I GUESS I DO HAVE A FRIEND WHO MIGHT BE INTERESTED.

HER NAME IS SALLY SOLOMON.

OH!

OH! I CAN'T BELIEVE WE'RE DOING THIS.

YOUR HANDS ARE SO SMALL AND DELICATE.

I'M NOT POSITIVE,

BUT I THINK I CAN FIT YOUR ENTIRE FOOT IN MY MOUTH.

OH!

YOU ARE A SUPERFREAK!

THE KIND YOU DON'T TAKE HOME TO MOTHER!

MANNY, MANNY, MANNY!

NOW I'M FEELING A MORAL DILEMMA.

I'M NOT SURE I CAN GO THROUGH WITH THIS.

MY BEDROOM'S UPSTAIRS.

RACE YA.

OH, WHAT THE HELL?

WHAT THE HELL...

DON'T BE UPTIGHT, BABE.

LEAVE YOUR HANG-UPS IN SUBURBIA.

YOU'RE LEAVING?

YOU BET YOUR BIPPY I AM.

[DICK] HEY!

OH, YOU MISERABLE CREEP!

I DON'T UNDERSTAND!

THINK ABOUT IT!

IT'S LIKE A PURPLE HAZE INSIDE MY BRAIN.

OH, GIVE IT A REST.

WHAT DID I DO WRONG?

YOU KNOW WHAT YOU DID!

COME ON, MANNY.

BERKELEY.

OHH!

YOU'RE MAD AT MANNY.

YES!

DR. ALBRIGHT IS MAD AT MANNY.

[LAUGHING] OH, WELL, THEN...

IT'S O.K. BECAUSE I HAVE SOMETHING TO TELL YOU

THAT'LL STRAIGHTEN THIS WHOLE THING OUT.

I'M NOT MANNY.

HA HA HA HA.

I MEAN, ISN'T THAT IRONIC?

RIGHT. YOU'RE NOT MANNY.

YOU JUST LOOK EXACTLY LIKE HIM,

KNOW EVERYTHING ABOUT HIS PAST,

AND HAVE BEEN CARRYING ON THIS RIDICULOUS CHARADE

FOR THREE DAYS.

OH, YOU KNOW ME SO WELL.

OH, BOY.

I'VE BEEN HANDED SOME LAME STORIES IN MY LIFE,

BUT YOU TAKE THE CAKE!

I DON'T WANT THE CAKE. I WANT YOU.

OH, MY GOD.

YOU ARE DICK SOLOMON.

AND YOU LET ME MAKE A COMPLETE FOOL OF MYSELF!

HOW COULD YOU DO THAT?

I WANTED TO TELL YOU. I WAS GOING TO.

WHAT STOPPED YOU?

I THOUGHT YOU MIGHT SLEEP WITH ME.

OH.

NOW I UNDERSTAND.

OH, THANK GOODNESS.

GET OUT!

YOU SELFISH,

INCONSIDERATE,

OPPORTUNISTIC BASTARD!

YOU'RE RIGHT.

I GUESS I'LL BE GOING.

ABOUT INCONSIDERATE...

I DID BRING BROWNIES!

OH!

I'M SURE GLAD WE WON'T BE GETTING

ANY MORE CDs IN THE MAIL.

YEAH.

AND EVEN IF WE DO,

THERE'S NO REASON TO THINK

THAT I HAD ANYTHING TO DO WITH IT.

'CAUSE I DIDN'T.

DICK, SOMEONE'S HERE TO SEE YOU.

I DON'T WANT TO BE SEEN. TELL THEM I'M NOT HERE.

HE'S NOT HERE, DR. ALBRIGHT. GO AWAY.

MARY!

MARY!

YOU'VE COME BACK TO ME.

BECAUSE YOU'VE FORGIVEN ME FOR WHAT I'VE DONE

AND--AND BECAUSE YOU REALIZE THAT MY DECEIT,

ALTHOUGH SOPHOMORIC,

WAS MEANT AS A PURE GESTURE OF AFFECTION.

WELL, SOME OF THAT.

UM, WOULD YOU LEAVE US ALONE FOR A MINUTE?

SURE.

REMEMBER EVERY WORD, WE WANT ALL THE DETAILS.

WILL DO.

LOOK, I MAY HAVE OVERREACTED TO THIS MANNY THING.

AND I UNDERSTAND THAT MEN HAVE A TENDENCY

TO GO OVERBOARD TO IMPRESS ME.

I UNDERSTAND THAT.

THE ONLY REASON I PRETENDED TO BE MANNY

IS BECAUSE YOU LIKE HIM MORE THAN ME.

MANNY WASN'T WHAT HE SEEMED.

BUT YOU ARE EXACTLY WHAT YOU SEEM.

AND I'LL ADMIT THAT, UH, YOUR LACK OF NUANCE IS REFRESHING.

OH, DAMN! I'M WEARING HARRY'S UNDERWEAR AGAIN.

WELL, A LITTLE NUANCE WOULDN'T HURT.

SO WE'RE STILL FRIENDS?

PEACE.