Original subtitles

Gage: THAT'S NOT THEIR... THAT'S HOT.

WELL, WAIT TILL YOU SEE THE OTHER ONE. LOOK AT THAT.

HOW DO YOU CONVINCE THE DEALERSHIP

TO LOAN US BRAND NEW BIKES?

WELL, EVERYBODY KNOWS ABOUT THE LAREDO LOVE RIDE

TO FIGHT BIRTH DEFECTS, YOU KNOW.

SO IT'S, UH, GREAT PUBLICITY FOR THEM TO SPONSOR US.

I'M NOT ASKING ANY QUESTIONS,

I JUST CAN'T WAIT TO HIT THE ROAD.

HEY, WALKER, ARE YOU GONNA PASS THIS UP?

LOOK AT THAT.

WELL...

I REALLY DON'T WANT TO, BUT...

YOU KNOW, ALEX IS GETTING READY TO HAVE THE BABY,

AND I'VE GOTTA GET THE BABY'S ROOM READY. OH.

Gage: IT MUST BE HARD TO PICK A COLOR,

NOT KNOWING WHETHER THE BABY'S A BOY OR A GIRL.

YEAH, IT IS. Syd: AREN'T YOU ANXIOUS?

I MEAN, I'D BE DYING TO KNOW.

WELL...

YOU'RE CURIOUS.

Gage: I AM TELLING YOU,

I WOULD HAVE TO KNOW.

I JUST DON'T THINK ABOUT IT.

WELL, YOU KNOW, I GOTTA HAND IT TO YOU NOW.

I'D BE THINKIN' ABOUT THAT

AND THAT'S ALL I'D BE THINKING ABOUT.

SYDNEY, ALL IT TAKES IS WILLPOWER.

THE SAME DISCIPLINE I LEARNED IN THE MARTIAL ARTS.

IT'S NOT THAT HARD.

EXCUSE ME.

I'M IMPRESSED.

ME TOO.

CHECK HER VITAL SIGNS EVERY 30 MINUTES.

NOTIFY ME IMMEDIATELY OF ANY CHANGE.

RIGHT, DOCTOR.

DR. BATES?

OH, RANGER WALKER. YOU JUST MISSED ALEX.

YEAH, I KNOW.

WELL, THE SONOGRAM WENT FINE.

BOTH SHE AND THE BABY ARE PERFECTLY HEALTHY.

OH, THAT'S GREAT. THAT'S REALLY GOOD.

DR. BATES...

ARE WE HAVING A BOY OR A GIRL?

WELL, I THOUGHT YOU AND ALEX WANTED TO BE SURPRISED.

ALEX WANTS TO BE SURPRISED.

THE SUSPENSE IS KILLING ME.

RANGER WALKER, I PROMISED YOUR WIFE I WOULDN'T TELL YOU.

OH, YOU DID.

[SIGHS] WELL...

IF I SAW THE SONOGRAM,

YOU WOULDN'T BE TELLING ME, RIGHT?

WELL, THAT'S TRUE.

WELL, CAN I TAKE A LITTLE PEEK, PLEASE?

OK.

OH, WOW.

OH, WOW.

WELL, NOW I KNOW WHAT COLOR TO PAINT THE BABY'S ROOM.

[CHUCKLES]

UH, DON'T TELL ALEX I SAW THIS, OK?

BELIEVE ME, I WON'T.

[ENGINES REVVING]

[CAR HORN HONKS]

WHO ARE THESE GUYS?

KEEP ROLLING. KEEP...ROLLING!

KEEP--KEEP ROLLING OUT THERE!

GO! GO! GO! GO! GO!

GO! GO! GO! GO!

UHH!

HEY, HEY! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!

WE'RE SHOOTIN' A MOVIE HERE!

WHAT?! MAN, WE'RE FILMING A MOVIE HERE.

YEAH, RIGHT. COME ON.

CUT! CUT! CUT! HARLEY, ARE YOU OK?

I HOPE YOU'RE OK, 'CAUSE THAT WAS INCREDIBLE.

ARE YOU STUPID?! I'M THE STAR OF THIS!

HOW DARE YOU TOUCH ME! SHUT UP!

LOOK WHAT YOU DID TO ME!

LOOK, I DON'T KNOW WHO YOU GUYS ARE,

BUT THOSE STUNTS WERE ABSOLUTELY AMAZING.

WE'RE TEXAS RANGERS.

WHAT IS GOING ON HERE?

WHO ARE YOU?!

I'M WES TYSON.

I'M THE WRITER AND DIRECTOR OF THIS WHOLE THING, MAN.

YOU GUYS COULD BE MOVIE STARS!

Man: TAKE 2. MARK.

[THEME SONG PLAYING]

♪ IN THE EYES OF A RANGER ♪

♪ THE UNSUSPECTIN' STRANGER ♪

♪ HAD BETTER KNOW THE TRUTH OF WRONG FROM RIGHT ♪

♪ 'CAUSE THE EYES OF THE RANGER ♪

♪ ARE UPON YOU ♪

♪ ANY WRONG YOU DO HE'S GONNA SEE ♪

♪ WHEN YOU'RE IN TEXAS, LOOK BEHIND YOU ♪

♪ 'CAUSE THAT'S WHERE THE RANGER'S GONNA BE ♪

[FILM CREW APPLAUDING]

WAIT, WAIT!

THIS IS A MOVIE SHOOT?

YES, IT IS.

WHY DIDN'T YOU STOP US?

I'M GLAD WE DIDN'T, 'CAUSE WE GOT IT ALL ON FILM, BABY!

HA HA HA!

REALLY, GUYS, THAT WAS GREAT.

FRANK LOCKE. I'M THE STUNT COORDINATOR.

UH, AREN'T THESE KIND OF STUNTS

USUALLY REALLY CAREFULLY PLANNED OUT?

WELL, THIS WASN'T SUPPOSED TO BE A STUNT.

I'M GONNA GO CHECK ON THE BIKES.

OK, THANKS, FRANK.

YEAH, YOU GUYS KIND OF CHANGED ALL THAT.

AREN'T YOU GUYS SUPPOSED TO HAVE

COPS MONITORING THE SET TO MAKE SURE

THIS STUFF DOESN'T HAPPEN?

YEAH, WE DO. THEY'RE RIGHT BACK THERE,

BUT IT ALL HAPPENED SO FAST, YOU KNOW?

I'M ON A SHOESTRING BUDGET OVER HERE AND EVERYTHING,

AND IT TURNED OUT TO BE AN AWESOME STUNT SEQUENCE.

HA HA HA. WOW!

I HAD NO IDEA RANGERS COULD BE SO BEAUTIFUL!

EXCUSE ME... EXCUSE ME...

YEAH, WAIT A SECOND.

HAVE YOU EVER THOUGHT ABOUT DOING STUNT WORK?

EXCUSE ME, I'M HURT HERE!

DO YOU THINK THE STAR OF THE FILM COULD HAVE A LITTLE ATTENTION?

HEY, I'M SORRY ABOUT THAT, BUDDY.

YEAH, HE'S FINE. DON'T WORRY ABOUT HIM.

Trivette: YOU ALL RIGHT?

COME ON, HARLEY. SUCK IT UP.

MY ANKLE'S HURT. LOOK WHAT HE DID TO MY ANKLE!

WELL, YOU'RE ALWAYS BRAGGIN'

HOW YOU LIKE TO DO YOUR OWN STUNTS.

YOU KNOW WHAT?

I'D LIKE TO SEE YOU FALL OFF A MOTORCYCLE, SWEETHEART.

THIS BEAUTIFUL YOUNG LADY,

AS YOU'VE PROBABLY ALREADY RECOGNIZED,

IS LILY JENNER, FEMME FATALE OF OUR LITTLE EPIC HERE.

YOU'RE DROOLING.

[LAUGHS] I LOVE WHAT YOU GUYS DID HERE.

IT WAS ABSOLUTELY RIVETING.

HI. ARE YOU STAYING FOR THE DAY?

OH, YEAH! WHY DON'T YOU GUYS STAY? STICK AROUND.

YOU COULD HELP ME WITH THE COVERAGE. THAT WOULD BE GREAT.

Crew member: YEAH, YEAH. COME ON, STAY.

FOLKS, WE GOTTA GET TO LAREDO. THANKS.

NO, NO. YOU KNOW, WE DON'T HAVE TO BE IN LAREDO

UNTIL TOMORROW MORNING, SO WE COULD PROBABLY STAY

FOR ANOTHER COUPLE OF MINUTES OR HOURS.

STICK AROUND AND ACT FOR A LITTLE WHILE, MAYBE? COME ON!

Crew member: COME ON! WHOO!

YEAH, ALL RIGHT. YOU MADE YOUR POINT.

[CHEERING]

THAT'S FABULOUS.

THIS IS THE KIND OF ACTION SEQUENCE

THAT COULD TURN MY FILM INTO A HUGE EPIC.

WHAT IS YOUR FILM ABOUT, ANYWAY?

OH, OH, OH!

THIS BABY IS GONNA BE A CULT CLASSIC.

IT'S CALLED 13 COFFINS.

13 COFFINS. 13 COFFINS.

VAMPIRE BANK ROBBERS.

THEY SUCK YOU DRY IN MORE WAYS THAN ONE.

[CHUCKLING] WELL, IF IT'S CALLED 13 COFFINS,

HOW COME YOU ONLY HAVE 4 VAMPIRES IN YOUR SHOT?

[LAUGHING]

YOU KNOW, IT'S AMAZING HOW QUICKLY

YOU FIGURED OUT MY BUDGET PROBLEMS.

THANK YOU FOR POINTING THAT OUT.

I APPRECIATE THAT.

WE CAN ONLY AFFORD 4 MOTORCYCLES,

BUT I'VE GOT THAT PROBLEM COVERED.

I GOT EVERYBODY WAITING OVER IN VAMPIRE VILLAGE.

WHAT'S A--WHAT'S A VAMPIRE VILLAGE?

OH, MAN, IT'S THIS GREAT LITTLE TOWN

SOUTH OF THE BORDER IN MEXICO.

WHEEL ME OVER THERE. COME ON, NOW. COME ON.

IT'S BEAUTIFUL. YOU'D BE SO IMPRESSED.

WE'RE SHOOTING THERE TOMORROW.

YOU KNOW, IF ANY OF YOU GUYS--

GUYS, I--I DON'T UNDERSTAND THIS.

I DON'T UNDERSTAND WHY EVERYONE'S FALLING

ALL OVER THESE PEOPLE AFTER WHAT THEY DID.

I'M PRACTICALLY CRIPPLED HERE.

OH, HARLEY, IT'S A MILD SPRAIN.

OK, I CAN'T POSSIBLY FILM AGAIN TODAY.

WHOA, WHOA, HARLEY. THIS IS OUR LAST DAY HERE.

YOU HAVE TO SHOOT TODAY. YOU HAVE TO.

[ASSORTED MUMBLING]

WAIT A MINUTE. COME HERE! COME HERE!

LET ME LOOK AT THIS FACE. LOOK AT THIS FACE!

IT'S UNCANNY!

THE RESEMBLANCE IS AMAZING! LOOK AT THIS!

CAN YOU SEE THE RESEMBLANCE? THIS IS FANTASTIC!

YOU COULD BE HARLEY'S STUNT DOUBLE.

YOU CAN BE HIS STUNT DOUBLE. THAT'S PERFECT!

YES! THAT'S PERFECT!

OH, THIS IS PERFECT! THIS IS PERFECT!

YOU KNOW WHY THIS IS PERFECT?

IT'S PERFECT BECAUSE I AM PERFECT!

WELL, I CAN SEE YOU'RE READY TO ROCK AND ROLL

WITH THE BABY'S ROOM.

YEAH. AND I DON'T WANT YOU GOING IN THERE,

BECAUSE I WANT IT TO BE A SURPRISE.

WELL, ARE YOU SURE YOU HAVE THE RIGHT COLORS?

OH, YEAH. I'VE GOT THE RIGHT COLORS.

SO, WHEN DO I GET TO SEE THE ROOM?

WHEN I'M FINISHED.

OH, COME ON.

WHEN I'M FINISHED.

WALKER, PLEASE?

WHEN I'M FINISHED.

WHAT THE HELL IS THIS? GET BACK TO WORK!

I DON'T PAY PEOPLE TO STAND AROUND!

HEY, SAM, YOU'LL NEVER GUESS WHAT HAPPENED.

THIS IS GREAT. LISTEN TO THIS.

I KNOW ALL ABOUT YOUR RANGERS.

WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU THINKING?

SAM, IT'S GONNA TAKE THE FILM TO A WHOLE OTHER LEVEL.

I DON'T NEED RANGERS PEEPING AROUND HERE,

CHECKING TO SEE IF WE HAVE PERMITS.

SAM, DON'T WORRY. LISTEN, THEY DON'T KNOW ANYTHING

ABOUT THE MOVIE BUSINESS.

I WANT THEM OUT OF HERE NOW.

IF YOU EVER MAKE ANOTHER DECISION LIKE THIS

WITHOUT CONSULTING ME, I'LL--

Crew member: MR. CARDINAL, YOU HAVE A CALL FROM HARRY BLACKMAN.

AAH!

NO, WAIT!

WAIT! WAIT! AAH! AAH!

WHOA, WHOA, WHOA. I'M A TEXAS RANGER, ALL RIGHT? JUST RELAX.

GET OUT OF MY WAY.

COME ON. NOW COME ON.

COME ON, NOW. JUST PLAY NICE.

AAH!

FOR CRYIN' OUT LOUD. COME ON.

DON'T HURT HIM. DON'T HURT HIM, ALL RIGHT?

JUST RELAX. RELAX!

OH, I CAN'T THANK YOU ENOUGH.

ALL RIGHT. IT'S ALL RIGHT.

LILY, I'D NEVER HURT YOU. I LOVE YOU!

LILY, ARE YOU OK?

YEAH, THANKS TO RANGER GAGE.

RANGER GAGE, THIS IS MY BROTHER DOUG.

HOW YOU DOING?

Doug: IF I'D KNOWN JOHNNY WAS BACK ON SET--

HOLD IT. WHO ARE YOU?

HE'S OBSESSED WITH HER.

HE WRITES HER LETTERS ALL THE TIME.

THAT'S BECAUSE I LOVE HER.

AND I TOLD YOU BEFORE TO STAY OFF MY SET.

WE'LL TURN HIM OVER TO THE SHERIFF.

LILY! DON'T LET THEM DO THIS TO ME!

IT'S ALL RIGHT. IT'S ALL RIGHT.

LILY! STOP THEM, LILY! I LOVE YOU!

I'M SAM CARDINAL, THE EXECUTIVE PRODUCER OF THE FILM.

THANKS FOR YOUR QUICK WORK.

HOW ARE YOU? NO PROBLEM, NO PROBLEM.

OK, EVERYBODY. OK, SHOW'S OVER!

COME ON, NOW, BACK TO WORK!

YOU GOT SOMETHING TO DO?

YEAH, WELL, LILY MIGHT NEED ME.

LET'S GET SOMETHING STRAIGHT HERE.

YOU MAY BE NEW IN THE BUSINESS,

BUT WHEN THE EXECUTIVE PRODUCER TELLS

A LOUSY PRODUCTION ASSISTANT GET TO WORK, YOU DO IT!

DOUG, I'M FINE. I'M FINE.

I'M SORRY, HONEY.

DON'T LET THESE FANS UPSET YOU.

YOU KNOW, IF HE'S DONE THIS BEFORE,

YOU MIGHT WANT TO GET A RESTRAINING ORDER.

DO YOU REALLY THINK SO?

NO, NO. HE'S JUST A FAN.

HE'S ECCENTRIC, BUT HE'S HARMLESS.

HE DIDN'T SEEM HARMLESS TO ME.

WELL, MAYBE YOU'RE RIGHT.

MAYBE YOU'RE RIGHT. I'LL, UH--

I'LL HELP LILY WITH THE PROCESS.

YOU SHOULD KNOW SOMETHING ABOUT THE BUSINESS, THOUGH.

THIS IS THE THIRD FILM SHE'S DONE FOR ME.

SHE'S A STAR.

DEVOTED FANS GO WITH THE TERRITORY.

DON'T THEY, HONEY?

GET OUT.

STAY AWAY FROM THE SET OR ELSE.

HEY, SWAILS. HEY, SAM.

THANKS FOR CALLING ME ABOUT THE RANGERS.

THAT IDIOT DIRECTOR.

YEAH, DON'T WORRY ABOUT HIM. I'LL KEEP MY EYE ON HIM.

GOT $1,000,000 RIDING ON TOMORROW'S TRANSACTION,

AND HE BRINGS RANGERS IN ON THE PICTURE.

[GROANS] COULD BLOW THE WHOLE DEAL.

ALL RIGHT, LET'S GET THIS SHOT.

Assistant: MARK!

Wes: ACTION!

CUT!

♪ WHO'D EVER THOUGHT ♪

♪ I WOULD BE A STAR? ♪

♪ WHO'D EVER THOUGHT ♪

♪ I WOULD GET INSTANT FAME? ♪

♪ WHO'D EVER THOUGHT ♪

♪ DOESN'T KNOW MY NAME... ♪

Wes: CUT!

First assistant: "A" MARK!

Second assistant: "B" MARK!

Wes: ACTION!

Wes: CUT!

WHOA.

♪ I JUST CAN'T GET ENOUGH ♪

♪ I JUST CAN'T GET ENOUGH ♪

WOW.

THAT'S A BIG NAME. HELLO.

KIND OF COOL, HUH?

Assistant: "A" MARK.

WOW.

I WANT TO SUCK YOUR BLOOD.

WHY DO YOU HAVE FANGS IF YOU'RE WEARING A HELMET, MAN?

I'M TRYING TO GET INTO CHARACTER, OK?

DON'T YOU KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT METHOD ACTING?

[FILM CREW APPLAUDING]

Wes: ALL RIGHT, GAGE, LET'S DO HARLEY'S STUNT.

AND CUT!

YOU OK?

OW.

AH, THAT WAS GREAT.

WE'LL SET UP FOR A CLOSER ANGLE BEFORE WE DO IT AGAIN.

AGAIN?!

YEAH, AGAIN. WELCOME TO SHOW BIZ.

OW!

♪ I JUST CAN'T GET ENOUGH ♪

SYD, DO YOU WANT SOME LUNCH?

YEAH, SURE. OOH, THANK YOU.

GUYS MIND IF I SIT WITH YOU?

SURE.

HAND THAT STALKER OVER TO THE POLICE, DID YOU?

OH, YEAH.

BACK PRETTY FAST.

THEY DIDN'T MAKE YOU WAIT AROUND AND GIVE A STATEMENT?

THEY SAID WE COULD DO IT LATER.

POLICE CAN'T BOOK HIM IF YOU DON'T MAKE A STATEMENT, THOUGH.

SO, YOU DIDN'T TURN HIM IN, DID YOU?

WHICH MEANS YOU GUYS AREN'T REALLY SECURITY GUARDS.

LOOK, WE'RE JUST EXTRAS PLAYING GUARDS.

CARDINAL PAID US TO WEAR THESE UNIFORMS

SO WE'D LOOK LIKE SECURITY.

SO, WHAT DID YOU DO WITH THE GUY?

I DROPPED HIM OFF OUTSIDE OF TOWN

AND TOLD HIM NOT TO COME BACK.

WHERE'S LILY?

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

[SIGHS] I THOUGHT I HAD 15 MORE MINUTES.

[SCREAMS]

LOOK--

YOU'RE MINE, LILY.

NOBODY'S GONNA TAKE YOU AWAY FROM ME.

JOHNNY, DON'T DO THIS.

IT'S THE ONLY WAY, LILY. WE'RE MEANT TO BE TOGETHER.

YOU'RE MINE, LILY...

FOREVER.

HEY, JOHNNY.

HELP!

LEAVE US ALONE! SHE'S MINE!

YOU CAN'T TAKE HER AWAY!

I JUST CAME TO TALK TO LILY.

LEAVE US ALONE!

I'M NOT TRYING TO TAKE HER AWAY FROM YOU.

I JUST CAME TO TALK TO LILY.

OK, I TELL YOU WHAT. I'M GONNA LEAVE.

LILY, YOU SHOULD TELL HIM WHAT WE TALKED ABOUT THIS MORNING.

SHE REALLY CARES ABOUT YOU.

DON'T LIE TO ME.

I'M NOT LYING TO YOU. SHE LOVES YOU.

LILY, TELL HIM.

TELL HIM!

REALLY?

OF COURSE I LOVE YOU.

I WISH I COULD BELIEVE YOU.

I SAVED--I SAVED ALL OF YOUR LETTERS. RIGHT OVER HERE.

LET ME SHOW YOU.

YOU LIED!

Johnny, crying: LILY.

DO YOU WANNA SEE A DOCTOR?

I'M FINE, DOUG. REALLY, I'M FINE.

LILY.

LILY, I'M SO SORRY. ARE YOU OK?

YEAH.

OH, GOD, YOU'RE SUCH A TROUPER.

YOU SHOULD BE VERY PROUD OF HER.

LOOK, WE'VE GOT A LOT OF WORK LEFT TO DO TODAY.

WORK?!

NO, LILY SHOULD GO BACK TO THE HOTEL AND REST

AFTER WHAT SHE'S BEEN THROUGH.

THANK YOU FOR YOUR INPUT, DOUG.

LOOK, HONEY...

WE GOTTA GET THIS ONE SCENE DONE TODAY,

AND I KNOW WHAT YOU'VE BEEN THROUGH,

BUT YOU GOTTA REMEMBER THE OLD SAYING,

"THE SHOW MUST GO ON."

YOU'RE RIGHT.

THATTAGIRL.

WELL, GUYS, YOU WERE RIGHT ABOUT JOHNNY, AND I WAS WRONG.

WHEN I'M WRONG, I ADMIT IT.

YOU WERE ALSO WRONG FOR NOT HIRING REAL SECURITY GUARDS.

YEAH. I REALIZE THAT, YOU KNOW.

TRYING TO SAVE SOME MONEY. FOOLISH.

WON'T HAPPEN AGAIN.

YOU KNOW, ACCORDING TO THE OFFICERS,

IF YOU CONTACT D.P.S. RIGHT AWAY,

YOU SHOULD ONLY BE SHUT DOWN FOR ABOUT AN HOUR OR SO.

YOU WANNA GIVE ME THAT AGAIN?

YOU'LL ONLY BE SHUT DOWN FOR ABOUT AN HOUR,

BUT THAT'S REALLY THE LEAST OF YOUR PROBLEMS.

WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

SHE'S SAYING YOU DON'T HAVE THE PERMITS

FOR WHAT YOU'RE DOING HERE.

OH, COME ON. GIVE ME A BREAK.

THIS IS A LOW-BUDGET PRODUCTION.

PERMITS ARE A NEEDLESS EXPENSE.

POLICE AND PERMITS ARE SAFEGUARDS AGAINST

THE VERY THING THAT HAPPENED HERE TODAY.

YOU CAN'T DO THIS TO ME.

I'M SHUTTING THIS PLACE DOWN

UNTIL YOU GET THE PROPER PERMITS AND REAL POLICE.

I CAN'T WAIT TO SEE THEM.

OK, I'LL TALK TO YOU LATER.

[CHUCKLES]

TRIVETTE PROMISES TO BRING BACK PICTURES

OF GAGE DRESSED AS A VAMPIRE.

WELL, I'VE HEARD THAT LIFE ON A MOVIE SET CAN BE MELODRAMATIC,

BUT IT SOUNDS LIKE THEY'VE HAD

MORE THAN THEIR FAIR SHARE.

YEAH, ACTUALLY THEY ARE.

TRIVETTE SUBDUED SOME CRAZED FAN

WHO ATTACKED THE FEMALE STAR.

WOW. LUCKY ALL 3 OF THEM WERE THERE TODAY.

YEAH, BUT ACCORDING TO TRIVETTE,

THE EXECUTIVE PRODUCER SAM CARDINAL

DOESN'T FEEL QUITE THAT WAY.

WHY NOT?

WELL, I GUESS HE'S USING FAKE SECURITY

AND NO PERMITS.

WELL, THAT DOESN'T SOUND LIKE A LEGITIMATE PRODUCTION COMPANY.

NO, IT DOESN'T, DOES IT?

MAYBE I'LL CHECK INTO THIS SAM CARDINAL

AND HIS PRODUCTION COMPANY.

OKAY.

YOU KNOW IF THEY HAVE ANY MORE OF THOSE ORANGES?

ORANGES? ARE YOU KIDDING ME?

YOU'RE ASKING ME ABOUT ORANGES?

YOU'RE TALKING TO ME ABOUT ORANGES?

HERE, TAKE THESE, PLEASE.

WHERE IS CARDINAL, MAN? IT'S OUR LAST DAY HERE.

IF I DON'T GET THIS SHOT WITH LILY BEING KIDNAPPED,

I DON'T HAVE A MOVIE!

YEAH, YEAH. HEY, AND THIS IS MY BIG SCENE TODAY, TOO.

WELL, GAGE, LOOKS LIKE THAT'S THE END OF YOUR ACTING CAREER.

WOULD YOU GUYS COME WITH ME TOMORROW TO VAMPIRE VILLAGE?

PLEASE, SERIOUSLY, YOU COULD SAVE MY MOVIE.

COME ON, IT REALLY WOULD. PLEASE.

LAREDO. WE GOTTA GET TO LAREDO.

LAREDO, MAN? YOU'RE KILLING ME WITH THIS LAREDO THING, MAN.

HERE'S YOUR DAMN PERMIT.

YOU GOT THE REAL POLICE?

IN BACK OF YOU. SATISFIED?

YOU'RE BACK IN BUSINESS. BACK IN BUSINESS.

OK, BACK TO WORK! EVERYONE, BACK TO WORK!

COME ON. CHOP CHOP.

AND ACTION.

COME TO ME, MY LOVE.

YES...

[BAD ACTING MOANS]

OH, CUT. PLEASE, CUT. PLEASE.

HARLEY, THANKS FOR DOING THE CLOSEUPS.

THAT WAS, UH... SOME REALLY...

GOOD...ACTING.

YEAH, I'M HERE FOR YOU, MAN.

YEAH.

WHERE'S MY CHAIR?

GAGE! COULD I PLEASE GET GAGE ON THE SET?

"A" AND "B" CAMERAS, TODAY!

MR. CARDINAL?

WHAT?

LOOK, I REALLY APPRECIATE

THE OPPORTUNITIES THAT YOU'VE--

I'M PRETTY BUSY, KID. I REALLY AM.

I THINK I SAW SWAILS STEALING FROM YOU.

WHAT?

I SAW HIM SLIP INTO YOUR OFFICE

AND TAKE A LOAD OF CASH OUT OF THE SAFE.

YOU SURE?

YEAH.

PRETTY SERIOUS CHARGE.

JUST YOU? NOBODY ELSE SAW HIM?

NO, I WAS ALONE. I CAME STRAIGHT HERE.

GOOD BOY.

I TELL YOU WHAT YOU DO.

WE KEEP QUIET ABOUT ALL THIS

UNTIL WE FIND OUT WHAT SWAILS IS UP TO,

AND THEN WHEN PRODUCTION'S OVER,

WE'LL HAVE HIM ARRESTED. OK?

YES, SIR.

OH, DON'T SAY ANYTHING TO ANYBODY YET.

RIGHT.

GOOD.

[DIALING BEEPS]

WE GOT A PROBLEM.

OK, REMEMBER YOU'RE THE STUNT DOUBLE,

SO WE DON'T WANT TO SEE YOUR FACE.

RIGHT, RIGHT, RIGHT. OK.

OH, LISTEN, WHERE'S LILY, ANYWAY?

SHE DOESN'T DO THIS STUFF. SHE HAS HER OWN STUNT DOUBLE.

OH. OK.

OH, MY.

SYDNEY, YOU LOOK GREAT.

LET'S GET YOU ON THE BIKE, AND WE'LL GET GOING.

SHUT UP. SYD!

OK, WHY DON'T YOU MOVE IN A LITTLE BIT CLOSER?

YOU KNOW, PUT YOUR ARMS AROUND HIS WAIST.

EVEN CLOSER. I WANT YOU TO REALLY SNUGGLE UP WITH HIM.

YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE IN LOVE, SO...

THAT'S GREAT. THAT'S GREAT. OK.

COME ON, SYD. GET IN CHARACTER.

YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE MADLY IN LOVE WITH ME.

MAD-- NOT QUITE THAT MAD.

LET'S ROLL.

AND...ACTION!

AND CUT. PERFECT.

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

COME ON IN.

YOU WANTED TO SEE ME, MR. CARDINAL?

YEAH, DOUG, YEAH.

SIT DOWN. SIT DOWN.

WELL, YOU WERE RIGHT ABOUT THE MONEY MISSING FROM THE SAFE.

I TALKED TO THE RANGERS ABOUT WHAT YOU SAID ABOUT SWAILS,

AND THEY'RE CHECKING INTO IT.

SO, WE'LL SEE WHAT HAPPENS.

GOOD.

LISTEN, UH...

I HAD TO MAKE SOME CHANGES IN THE SCRIPT

SO WE COULD FINISH SHOOTING TOMORROW.

BUT YOU KNOW HOW BAD HARLEY IS

ABOUT MEMORIZING LINES.

YEAH, HE'S TERRIBLE.

OK, I HAD A GOOD IDEA.

WHAT WE'LL DO IS-- OR YOU WILL--

WRITE ONE OR 2 LINES ON SEPARATE SHEETS OF PAPER.

WE'LL TAPE 'EM ALL AROUND THE SET

AND USE 'EM LIKE CUE CARDS.

THAT'S A GOOD IDEA. GOOD.

YOU CAN WORK RIGHT HERE AT MY DESK.

WHEN YOU'RE DONE, LEAVE EVERYTHING HERE. ALL RIGHT?

I'LL BE OUT ON THE SET.

HE'S IN THE TRAILER. WAIT TILL HE COMES OUT.

ALL RIGHT.

DON'T MAKE A SOUND.

CUT! PRINT! THAT WAS AWESOME, GAGE.

[ENGINE TURNS OFF]

YOU KNOW, SYD?

I KIND OF LIKE HAVING YOU ON THE BACK OF MY BIKE.

WELL, DON'T GET USED TO IT.

I GOT MY OWN BIKE.

THANK YOU, EVERYBODY. THAT IS A WRAP FOR TODAY.

I WILL SEE YOU TOMORROW AT VAMPIRE VILLAGE.

HAVE YOU SEEN DOUG?

HE WAS SUPPOSED TO RUN LINES WITH ME. NO.

I SAW HIM TALKING TO MR. CARDINAL A WHILE AGO.

MAYBE HE KNOWS WHERE HE IS.

HUH. IT'S NOT LIKE DOUG TO NOT SHOW.

SHOULD'VE MINDED YOUR OWN BUSINESS, BOY.

YOU HAD NO BUSINESS STICKING YOUR NOSE WHERE IT DON'T BELONG.

WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO?

YOU KNOW THAT EXPRESSION ABOUT CURIOSITY AND THE CAT?

WE'RE GONNA FIND OUT.

SWAILS, LOOK OUT! LET GO OF THE WHEEL!

GET HIM!

[GUNSHOTS]

I GOT HIM!

YOU GO AROUND BACK. HE CAN'T GET OUT.

ALL RIGHT.

DID YOU CHECK HIS ROOM?

YEAH. THEY HAVEN'T SEEN HIM AT THE HOTEL

SINCE THIS MORNING. LILY...

I DIDN'T WANT TO UPSET YOU WHILE YOU WERE WORKING.

IT'S ABOUT DOUG.

DID SOMETHING HAPPEN?

NO, NO, NO. HE TOOK OFF. HE QUIT.

WHAT?

THE ONLY REASON I HIRED HIM WAS

BECAUSE HE'S HER BROTHER.

THIS IS THE THANKS I GET?

WAIT, I DON'T UNDERSTAND.

I MEAN, HE WOULDN'T LEAVE WITHOUT TELLING ME.

BABY, THERE'S A LOT OF THINGS

HE WASN'T TELLING YOU.

LOOK, HE WAS COMPLAINING ABOUT THE PAY, ABOUT THE HOURS...

YOU NAME IT, HE'S BEEN COMPLAINING ABOUT IT.

I DIDN'T WANT TO TELL YOU

BECAUSE I DIDN'T WANT TO UPSET YOU, THAT'S ALL.

SOMETHING WRONG?

YEAH, LOOKS LIKE DOUG LEFT.

HE CAME TO ME THIS AFTERNOON,

AND HE SAID IF I DIDN'T GIVE HIM A PAY RAISE

AND A CO-PRODUCER CREDIT ON MY NEXT PICTURE,

HE'D MAKE SURE YOU NEVER WORKED FOR ME AGAIN.

DOUG ISN'T LIKE THAT.

HONEY, COME ON. YOU KNOW THE BUSINESS.

IT MAKES PEOPLE CRAZY.

TAKE A LOOK AT THE NOTE HE WROTE.

"FOOLS LIKE YOU NEVER LISTEN.

I'VE WASTED ENOUGH TIME HERE. GOOD-BYE."

IS THAT DOUG'S HANDWRITING?

LOOKS LIKE IT.

DOESN'T PAY TO BE MR. NICE GUY.

LISTEN, THANKS A LOT.

I HATE TO RUSH YOU. I KNOW YOU GOTTA LEAVE, THOUGH.

YOU HAVE A GOOD TRIP AND TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF, OK?

IT'S GONNA BE OK.

HE SURE SEEMS ANXIOUS TO SEE US LEAVE.

HE'S JUST A LITTLE-- WHOOO--PERSONALITY THING.

I'M SURE HE'S JUST AS APPRECIATIVE AS I AM, SO...

YOU KNOW WHAT, WES?

IT'S BEEN SUCH A HARROWING DAY,

I THINK WE'RE JUST GONNA SPEND THE NIGHT.

GREAT! GREAT!

LISTEN, UH, I'LL GET YOU SOME ROOMS AT THE SAME HOTEL WE'RE AT,

AND, UH, MEET ME IN THE BAR AT 7:00.

I'LL BUY YOU ALL A DRINK. HOW ABOUT THAT?

IT'S A DEAL.

HEY, LISTEN, UH, GAGE IS REALLY GUNG-HO, AND, UH,

BOY, IF YOU GUYS COULD SEE IT IN YOUR HEART

TO BE GUNG-HO, TOO, I COULD REALLY, REALLY

USE YOUR HELP TOMORROW.

WHAT DO YOU SAY?

YOU BETCHA. WE'LL SEE YA AT VAMPIRE VILLAGE.

BYE. BYE.

AND I THOUGHT YOU WERE ANXIOUS TO LEAVE.

I THINK THERE'S SOMETHIN' GOIN' ON HERE.

I THINK YOU'RE RIGHT.

ALL RIGHT...

ONE MORE TIME. IS HE DEAD?

GOTTA BE.

I DON'T HEAR A STRAIGHT ANSWER.

I DON'T KNOW!

SAM, I--I HIT HIM AT LEAST ONCE.

LET ME CLARIFY.

YOU TWO BETTER PRAY THAT THIS KID DOESN'T SHOW UP,

BECAUSE IF HE DOES, 2 OF THOSE COFFINS

WILL BE STUFFED WITH MORE THAN JUST DRUGS.

LOOKS OK TO ME.

THANKS, GAGE.

I KNOW IT'S SILLY NOW THAT JOHNNY'S IN JAIL, BUT--

NO, NO, NO. IT'S BETTER TO BE SAFE.

MMM. OHH.

WHAT A DAY.

MMM.

I CAN'T WAIT TO STEP INTO A HOT SHOWER.

UH, I'D BETTER GO.

UH, I AM IN ROOM 516 IF YOU NEED ANYTHING AT ALL--

DON'T LEAVE BEFORE I HAVE A CHANCE TO THANK YOU PROPERLY.

WELL...UM...

GOOD NIGHT.

YOU DON'T HAVE TO LEAVE SO FAST.

I...BETTER GO.

I'M SORRY. I DIDN'T REALIZE THERE WAS SOMEONE ELSE.

OH, NO, NO. THERE'S NOBODY ELSE. I MEAN...

UH-HUH. REALLY.

WHATEVER YOU SAY.

I'LL SEE YOU LATER.

THANKS AGAIN.

IT LOOKS LIKE SAM CARDINAL ALWAYS FILMS IN SMALL TOWNS IN MEXICO.

SMALL TOWNS APPRECIATE EXTRA BUSINESS,

ASK YOU FEWER QUESTIONS.

BUT THE BIG QUESTION IS, WHY IS HE MAKING THESE FILMS?

THEY GO STRAIGHT TO VIDEO.

THEY HARDLY MAKE A PROFIT, IF A PROFIT AT ALL.

I DON'T THINK MAKING MOVIES IS HIS ONLY BUSINESS, WALKER.

WHAT DO YOU THINK HE'S UP TO?

I DON'T KNOW. I DON'T KNOW,

BUT I THINK WE SHOULD STICK AROUND AND TRY TO FIND OUT.

OK, KEEP ME POSTED.

EVERYTHING OK?

WELL, I'M NOT SURE.

CAN I ASK YOU A QUESTION?

YEAH.

DID YOU PAINT THE ROOM, OR DID THE ROOM PAINT YOU?

ALEX, THIS IS NOT MY PROFESSION, ALL RIGHT?

BESIDES, I CAN'T GET THIS PAINT OFF.

YOU LOOK ADORABLE.

YEAH, RIGHT. [CHUCKLES]

LET'S GO, MAN.

[THUNK]

WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT?

I DON'T KNOW.

SEE ANYTHING? NO, IT WAS NOTHIN'.

[KNOCKING]

Doug: LILY, IT'S ME.

OH, MY GOD, DOUG. WHAT HAPPENED?

SWAILS AND RICHIE TRIED TO KILL ME.

WHAT?!

LOOK, I THINK CARDINAL MIGHT BE IN ON THIS, TOO,

SO WE'VE GOTTA GET YOU OUT OF HERE RIGHT NOW.

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

SHH.

WHO IS IT?

Trivette: IT'S THE RANGERS.

WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU, SON?

SWAILS, THE PROP GUY, TRIED TO KILL HIM.

HE AND RICHIE PULLED A GUN ON ME,

TOOK ME OUT TO SHOOT ME, BUT I GOT AWAY.

WHY WOULD HE DO THAT?

WELL, I SAW SWAILS

TAKIN' MONEY FROM MR. CARDINAL'S SAFE,

SO I THOUGHT HE WAS STEALING FROM HIM.

SO YOU TOLD CARDINAL, AND HE SAID TO KEEP QUIET

'CAUSE HE WOULD TAKE CARE OF IT, RIGHT?

YEAH, HOW'D YOU KNOW THAT?

THAT'S PROBABLY THE CASH I SAW 'EM HIDIN' IN THE COFFINS.

WHAT CASH? WHAT'S GOING ON?

WE THINK CARDINAL'S INVOLVED IN SOME KIND OF SMUGGLING OPERATION.

HE'S USIN' THOSE COFFINS TO MOVE CASH ACROSS THE BORDER.

AND PROBABLY SMUGGLING DRUGS BACK IN. WE WERE JUST COMIN' HERE

TO WARN YOU THAT DOUG'S DISAPPEARANCE PROBABLY HAD SOMETHIN' TO DO WITH THAT.

SO, YOU CAN ARREST HIM THEN, RIGHT?

NO. NOT YET.

WE DON'T HAVE ENOUGH EVIDENCE AGAINST CARDINAL.

WE'D LIKE TO WAIT AND NAIL EVERYONE INVOLVED.

WE'RE GONNA NEED YOUR HELP, LILY.

OUR HUNCH WAS RIGHT.

CARDINAL'S DEFINITELY RUNNING A SMUGGLING OPERATION, WALKER.

WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO?

GONNA FOLLOW HIM TO MEXICO.

THAT'S WHERE THEY'RE SHOOTING TOMORROW.

WELL, WHATEVER HIS PLAN IS,

HE'LL BE KEEPING A CLOSE EYE ON YOU THREE.

GOT THAT RIGHT.

I'LL CALL YOU FIRST THING IN THE MORNING.

ALL RIGHT. THANKS.

SO, CAN I TAKE A LOOK AND SEE WHAT YOU'VE DONE

TO THE BABY'S ROOM SO FAR?

NOPE.

JUST A PEEK?

NOPE.

OH, WALKER.

NO.

FINE. I'M GOING TO BED.

AND DON'T PEEK.

SAM.

CAN I TALK TO YOU FOR A MINUTE, PRIVATELY?

WHAT'S UP, HONEY?

I JUST WANTED TO APOLOGIZE

FOR THE WAY DOUG ACTED.

DON'T MENTION IT.

WELL, I MEAN, I'M EMBARRASSED.

I MEAN, YOU HIRED HIM BECAUSE OF ME, AND...

[SIGHS]

I GUESS HE'S JUST GOT A LOT OF GROWING UP TO DO.

I GUESS SO.

LOOK, DON'T LET THIS GET YOU DOWN.

YOU GET YOUR BIG SCENE TODAY.

LET'S GET BACK TO WORK. FORGET ALL ABOUT IT.

OK?

GIVE ME A BIG HUG.

ATTAGIRL.

THAT WAS INCREDIBLE.

Lily: REALLY?

YEAH. I DON'T THINK HE SUSPECTS A THING.

GOOD.

OK, I'LL SEE YOU LATER.

YEAH.

SHE WAS REALLY CONVINCING, DON'T YOU THINK?

SHE'S AN ACTRESS.

WELL, YEAH. [GROANS]

HA HA! GARCIA!

HOW'S IT GOIN' TODAY?

GOOD TO SEE YOU AGAIN.

WHAT DO YOU GOT TODAY?

AH, THE USUAL: PROPS.

HEY, WE'RE RUNNIN' A LITTLE LATE, SO, UH, YOU KNOW, MUY RAPIDO.

HA HA!

ALL RIGHT, EVERYBODY LISTEN UP!

THIS IS OUR FINAL BATTLE SCENE,

SO IT'S GOTTA BE HUGE!

LET'S SEE...

[KNOCKS ON COFFIN]

YOU, PAY ATTENTION! DIRECTOR TALKING!

LILY HERE

IS BEING HELD CAPTIVE BY THE VAMPIRES,

AND THEY ARE ABOUT TO MAKE HER ONE OF THEIR OWN.

BUT I'LL BE SAVED BY THE VAMPIRE WHO LOVES ME.

[TRANSYLVANIAN ACCENT] OH, YES, SWEETHEART.

I'LL BATTLE ALL THE OTHER VAMPIRES TO SAVE YOUR SOUL!

[MOCK LAUGHTER] YEAH, ANYWAY.

IN THE CLOSEUPS, MAYBE.

OK, IT ALL LOOKS GOOD.

GAGE HERE, WHO'S OUR NEW HERO AND MY NEW BEST FRIEND,

WILL HANDLE ALL THE ACTION, ALL RIGHT?

YOU CAN COUNT ON ME, BOSS. YES, I CAN.

YEAH, WHATEVER, MAN.

"YEAH, WHATEVER, MAN." GET THESE COFFEE CUPS OFF MY SET!

WE'RE UP.

OK, GAGE, THIS IS THE BIG MOTORCYCLE JUMP STUNT.

YOU'VE JUST PULLED UP TO BLOCK THE PATH BETWEEN LILY,

WHO'S TIED TO THE STAKE BEHIND YOU,

AND THE APPROACHING VAMPIRES.

OK, EVERYBODY, LET'S DO IT!

YOU GOT IT?

LET'S SEE. LET'S SEE.

THIS IS IT.

ALL RIGHT. LET'S DO IT OVER HERE.

ACTION!

WHOO!

OHH, THAT'S RIGHT, CUT! CUT! CUT!

THAT WAS BEAUTIFUL! I LOVE IT!

OKAY, LET'S GET SET UP FOR THE VAMPIRE JOUSTING SEQUENCE.

COME ON, GUYS, SHAKE IT UP.

I DON'T WANT THOSE 3 RANGERS SEEING ANYTHING.

RELAX, THEY GOT NO JUICE HERE.

THEY COULD STILL CAUSE TROUBLE.

I WANT THAT, UH, BEFORE WE FINISH SHOOTING.

READY!

"B" MARK.

Wes: OK, GAGE, LOTS OF ENERGY NOW!

ACTION!

YOU MUST BE SAM CARDINAL.

AND WHO THE HELL ARE YOU?

I'M YOUR FOURTH RANGER,

AND YOU'RE ALL UNDER ARREST.

YOU DON'T HAVE ANY JURISDICTION HERE IN MEXICO.

REALLY?

MMM. GENTLEMEN, HE'S ALL YOURS.

LET'S GET HIM.

Cardinal: GET HIM, YOU IDIOTS!

Wes: TURN THE CAMERA ON! TURN IT!

COME ON! MOVE, MOVE, MOVE!

MOVE IT, YOU IDIOTS!

ARE YOU GETTING THIS?

SO WHAT HAPPENS NOW?

EH, PAL?

THEY WON'T LET YOU FORCIBLY EXTRADITE ME.

WHO SAID I WAS GOING TO? [SIRENS]

COME ON, GUYS! MOVE, MOVE, MOVE! WE GOTTA GET THIS.

PUSH IN CLOSE. COME ON NOW.

LET'S GO, LET'S GO, LET'S GO!

WALKER, GOOD TO SEE YOU AGAIN.

HERNANDEZ.

ARE THESE THE DRUG SMUGGLERS YOU TOLD ME ABOUT?

SURE ARE.

HERNANDEZ, THESE THREE ARE ALL YOURS.

THEY HAVE NO JURISDICTION HERE.

I DEMAND TO BE RELEASED.

WHATEVER YOU WANT, WALKER,

YOU HAVE OUR FULL COOPERATION,

BUT WE'LL BE MORE THAN HAPPY TO HAVE HIM ROT IN ONE OF OUR JAILS.

WE KNOW HOW TO HANDLE DRUG DEALERS.

WELL, CARDINAL...

LOOKS TO ME LIKE YOU HAVE 2 CHOICES:

ONE IS TO ROT IN JAIL, LIKE HE SAID,

OR AMERICAN JUSTICE. WHICH WILL IT BE?

I'M A U.S. CITIZEN. I DEMAND TO BE SENT TO MY...OWN COUNTRY.

THAT'S WHAT I FIGURED.

WE'LL TAKE HIM TO THE BORDER.

OK, THANKS.

MORNING, GUYS. HEY.

I HAVE TO GET HOME AND FINISH THE NURSERY,

SO I'LL SEE YOU AT HEADQUARTERS.

ALL RIGHT. SEE YA.

HI!

HEY!

WE BOTH JUST WANTED TO SAY THANKS.

YEAH, THANKS, MAN.

AW, YOU'RE WELCOME.

HEY, GAGE, CAN I TALK TO YOU FOR A MINUTE?

SURE. WHAT'S UP?

WELL...

YOU'RE THE BEST.

THANK YOU.

I'M SORRY THINGS COULDN'T WORK OUT BETWEEN US.

AH, WELL...

SHE'S VERY LUCKY.

WHO? COME ON.

I SEE YOU GOT A THING FOR HER.

YOU REALLY WANT TO MAKE HER JEALOUS?

MAKE HER--

THANKS AGAIN.

UH, THANK YOU.

I MEAN, UH, YOU'RE WELCOME.

BYE.

Doug: WE'LL SEE YA!

THAT WAS...SOME KISS.

I'VE HAD BETTER.

HEY, GAGE.

YEAH? WANT TO STAR IN 14 COFFINS?

[LAUGHS]

I'M THINKIN' 13 COFFINS IS PLENTY FOR ME, THANK YOU.

WELL, THANKS, MAN. YOU SAVED MY MOVIE.

YOU GUYS BE SAFE.

YOU BET. BYE.

LET'S GO HOME.

Trivette: LET'S GO HOME!

HEY, WAIT A MINUTE. WHAT ARE WE GONNA TELL THE CHARITY PEOPLE

ABOUT WHY THE BIKES ARE ALL BANGED UP, DIRTY, AND EVERYTHING?

UH, LET'S JUST TELL 'EM

WE GOT CHASED BY A BUNCH OF VAMPIRES.

OK.

[LAUGHS]

OK...

CLOSE YOUR EYES.

KEEP 'EM CLOSED.

OK.

I'LL GUIDE YOU.

[GIGGLES]

THIS IS SO MUCH FUN.

HEY, CAN I OPEN MY EYES YET?

OK, OPEN 'EM.

WHAT DO YOU THINK?

[GASPS]

OH, WALKER, IT'S BEAUTIFUL!

I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU DID ALL THIS.

I MEAN, IT'S ABSOLUTELY PERFECT...

FOR A GIRL, BUT WHAT IF WE HAVE A BOY?

[THEME SONG PLAYING]

♪ 'CAUSE THE EYES OF THE RANGER ♪

♪ ARE UPON YOU ♪

♪ ANY WRONG YOU DO HE'S GONNA SEE ♪

♪ WHEN YOU'RE IN TEXAS, LOOK BEHIND YOU ♪

♪ 'CAUSE THAT'S WHERE THE RANGER'S GONNA BE ♪