Original subtitles

All right, gents.

Same bat time, same bat channel.

The bear bursts out of the trailer, runs across frame,

and meets one of you on the other side.

- Probably. - Um...

Who's going where?

Let's go, Bob.

Olivier to the edge of the forest.

His favverit tree is the Douglas Fir.

I prefer the Debbie Hairless.

Hey.

What's the deal with Bob?

Yeah, who is he?

So, why does he have to do all the work?

Don't let them intimidate you, Gabby.

Don't let them talk to you like a child.

Merci, Olivier.

You're too nice, man.

Okay, uh, Bob.

Who is he?

Speak, Gabby.

He's a seasonal worker.

From Jamaica.

- Where did you find him? - In a field.

- What was he doing in a field? - Picking worm.

What were you doing in a field?

I was, too, picking worm.

Worm pickin', eh?

Reminiscent of a different kind of pickin'.

Cherry?

Why does everybody need worms?

You go.

For fishes.

- Oh, you're a fisherman too? - Yes.

Fisherman, bear fucker...

Okay, so you're just in a field picking worms,

and you just go up and, what, you just say hi?

Yes. Really?

- Yes. - We say hi to everybody.

Hi, Kate. 'Sup, Gabby.

Okay, so you just go up to him and you say, "Hi, Bob"?

No, we don't know his name then,

so we just say, "Hi" but not "Bob."

Then he tell us he Bob.

- And then? - And then he tell us

he don't like working there, okay?

Okay?

Because...

...people mean to him.

He ask us if we have work for him...

Like that. - That's it.

- Et... We do. - And that's all.

Then we become friend.

The bear is clearly volatile.

- He's a goon! - Calm.

And why does Bob always get to be the one

that gets sent out to get the bear?

- The bear like Bob bess. - Really?

Bob fight us for time with the bear.

He think we too affek-shun-ate widdim.

- The bear like affek-shun. - What do you mean?

The bear like when we come up behind him and give him pets.

What?

And rub his fur.

And give him scratches.

Oh.

With the bear, we are, uh...

How do you say...

...attach at the hip.

So, question, how do you guys

know that "the bear likes Bob bess?"

Hey, come on, have you seen the man, okay?

Okay?

Ok. Stop.

Dis man is physic-cally superior.

This is no time for jokes.

We say, uh, here come ol' tree leg Bob.

Oh, wow, that's a stereotype.

We say, hey, who take the tripod off

the camera truck, okay? - Okay?

Ok, that's enough.

We say, hey, who put that tripod there?

No one tell us dat.

Okay, sweet.

Um, Ed, we're just cool with this on set now?

I've got a podcast in.

Unacceptable.

Give 'em a break, they're inbred.

Please stay calm for the bear.

But why do you go up behind the bear?

Because they are bear fuckers!

- Opalye. - Caline.

Tabarnoosh!

Di bear nuh come out todeh, mon.

Di bear need calm.

I wanted you to know as soon as possible.

- Mm-hmm. - This is end-of-days bad.

They're-they're coming for everyone!

Okay, appreciate the call.

How bad is it?

It's bad.

When were you going to tell us, Tim?

- Tell you what? - Timothy...

Okay, we're here to help you, okay, but we can't help

if you don't tell us what happened.

If it happened.

- It happened. - It's over.

- Ed. - I'm sorry.

So, it's true, all of it?

I barely remember.

He was out of it.

Aw, jeezus.

I just came to and I was on top of her.

Okay, let's take a pause, let's, uh--

No! We need to know how bad this is going to get!

We were so young.

- So that's your excuse, really? - Hey! Leave him alone.

No!

I need to hear him say it.

No, you don't!

Yes, I do.

I need to hear you say it.

If you did it, say it.

I farted on a girl when I was six.

How is everyone feeling after Bob's accident?

We miss how things used to be.

They miss how things used to be.

And how did things used to be?

We used to bring the bear to set every day

in the back of a pick-up.

And we brought it home in the back of the pick-up.

The bear was never in a cage.

The bear would lay amongst the crew while it worked.

At peace with everyone.

And everyone at peace with the bear.

And now, it won't come out of its cage.

Mm.

You should try a bit of bleach with your whites,

that'll help get those stains out.

Bleach weakens the fabric.

Um...

Your brothers have a band!

Two of my brothers, yes.

We were in the jam space with them earlier.

They're tight.

They practice a lot.

I would never have guessed

they play punk rock music.

That's how they get out their aggressions.

While most people spend their time on the internet,

becoming angry and masturbating...

they go into the barn and play punk rock songs.

What's their band called?

Sistine Shrapnel.

Like Sistine Chapel?

No.

Why doesn't Olivier play in the band?

He's on the internet.

Becoming angry.

And masturbating.

You farted on a girl?

Look what they're saying about me.

When you were six.

Just stop reading, it's awful.

- I can't. - And this is...

Bad. Paparazzi are here. This is moving fast!

Okay, this is going to get very bad before it gets better,

for some reason.

Internet people are going to say awful things about you.

This too shall pass.

You have to tell us what happened.

I don't know where to begin.

How about farting on a girl when you were seven?

- Six. - Okay, Ed.

Look, I'm not trying to start any trouble here,

and I'm not excusing what I did,

but everybody was farting on everybody at the time.

This isn't productive, Timothy.

I remember so clearly sitting on the carpet making a puzzle

when someone who shall go unnamed

sat on my shoulder and farted.

- Tim... - Sorry, is this not important?

When I looked up to see who it was,

someone else, who shall also go unnamed,

sat on my other shoulder and farted.

Your victim has already gone to USA Today with her story.

Tell us what happened before she hits The Times of India.

It was Daniel Holburn's Mortal Kombat-themed

birthday party.

He had one of those birthday cakes

with a dollar in every slice.

I didn't get a slice of cake.

And that was the origin story of me becoming a Marxist.

Go on.

I didn't get a slice of cake

or the dollar inside...

but when I looked up and saw...

Kelly Landsman got two...

I farted on her.

But you were out of it.

There was Jolt Cola at the party.

Gawd dammit.

Some kids were fooling around with Pixy Stix, too.

Ah, gawd dammit...

I wanna show you something.

I haven't seen your brothers

since this morning.

They're fishing.

Fishing. - Fishing?

- Hence the worm picking. - Right.

See, now that's an activity I picture them doing together.

They do it with others. They're guides.

They're fishing guides.

Like, they have a fishing charter?

And they dress up.

Why do they dress up?

They thought dressing up would be fun

for couples to do together. And they were right.

Where do they get the costumes?

They've collected

them from film sets over the years.

Enough to do different themes every day.

This week's themes are...

Santa's Workshop...

Arabian Nights...

and sexy baseball.

That will be their job after we retire.

And set the bear free.

Your brothers are colourful.

They are kind, yes.

No one is kind anymore.

Kindness has become too complicated.

Not cool. - Not cool.

Not cool.

Occasionally I'll slip

into the accent of a place I've been

after spending a bit of time there.

And that is...

- Not cool. - Not cool.

Not cool.

Yeah, I've been to Italy.

Scotland.

Russia.

The Deep South.

- Greece. - Ireland.

- South Africa. - Newfoundland.

- Australia. - East End London.

Rural Pennsylvania.

But that doesn't give me permission to say...

The oatmeal here is great!

Vodka. Vodka!

Fixin' to holler, y'all.

Souvlaki and tzatziki

for my big Greek family.

Top o' the mornin' to Conor McGregor.

The movie District 9 was filmed here.

Look at the b'ys, luh!

Welcome to the Outback, cunt!

Pint of the dark stuff, gov'ner!

We barn raisin' or we butter churnin'?

Versace!

- I'm sorry. - I'm sorry.

We're sorry.

- It's not cool. - It's not cool.

Look at me.

It's not cool.

What do you think?

I think Edward Norton is a top 5 babe of all time.

The clock is ticking, Rose.

You want him to do an apology video?

You want the paparazzi to go away?

They're louder on the internet.

- Stop reading! - I can't.

Where are we going to find other celebrities

that also farted on girls when they were six?

It doesn't matter whether they did it or not,

celebrities just wanna be on the right side of things.

Call your publicist.

I'm worried about him.

We're running out of time.

We have to act quickly,

or this movie is scratched--

No!

Hey, Gabby, I get a misdemeanour

from a hot cop, okay? - Okay.

I say, is there a mister-demeanour?

Mornin'!

Do we get to see the bear today?

See it? You can shit with it.

You expect me to believe he was shitting with it?

You expect me to believe he was fucking it?

Can we see the bear?

Okay, you wanna see the bear, okay?

- Okay? - Okay.

You are not train.

- Pardon? - You are not train.

Check this...

Da rizzin you haven't seen the bear

is because you are not train. Trained.

To see the bear, you have to be seeky-logicull.

- We must be... - Seeky-logicull.

Seeky-logiculllluh.

Today is your lucky day.

Gabby the bess for train.

Really?

He could be the bear terra-piss.

Training is his favverit.

- Can you train us, Gabby? - Bien sûr!

Gabby love to train!

Dis is my favverit.

Dis give me juice bumps.

So she say she want someone tall, dark, and handsome, okay?

- Okay. - I say, I'm tall and handsome

in the dark. We're rolling!

Okay, perfick!

Now listen to me complittlee.

Safety is impor-dint.

A bear is not a cat or a dog.

It is not a leo-pard.

It's a bear, man.

The first time I see a bear, okay?

- Okay? - I was scare.

I was terrify.

Dat bear will eat you butts to nuts.

He wanna put you in his billy.

Like that. - That's it.

So you should be scare.

You should be terrify.

'Cause when a bear get pissed, man,

he don't wanna nega-shate!

I'm sorry, ne...?

- Nega-shate! - Nega-shate!

He no wanna nega-shayshun!

He wanna rip off your ass cheek.

So now listen to me complittlee.

Okay, safety is impor-dint.

In the biggin-ning, you need...

Magnum.

You need a couple of Magnum.

Because if the bear charge, okay?

Okay?

You muss be ready, uh, to...

How do you say...

...blow the bear head off.

Pardon?

Blow the bear brains out.

Pump him full of lead.

Smoke him.

I have a pretty strong anti-gun stance.

Man, you won't have to shoot the bear.

If we here, we shoot the bear, okay?

We are ready if we muss, uh... How do you say...

...light him up.

Like that. - That's it. And that's all.

But you muss know how to use the Magnum in case we are...

How do you say...

Uh, compromised. - Compromised.

Lesson number one is how to kill your bear?

Hey.

He's my little sweetheart.

He's my little sweetie.

But remember Harambe?

- Harambe? - Harambe. Harambe.

The gorilla they had to shoot at the zoo.

Yes, because a child fell in with Harambe.

They have to shoot Harambe

before he put the child in his billy.

Like that. - That's it.

No one wanna shoot Harambe, okay?

- Okay. - But you muss be preppurr.

Check Bob.

Wi run tings, tings nuh run wi!

Don't be afray.

Don't be scare.

Have you ever had to shoot a bear?

Oh, come on.

No, man, come on!

We haven't had to shoot our own bear.

Have you ever had to shoot any bear?

Yes.

- It doesn't matter. - It doesn't matter.

It doesn't matter.

I farted on a girl

when I was six.

Just turned six.

Six and a half.

Going on seven.

But I was only six.

Guess what, dude?

It doesn't matter if you're...

- Six. - Five.

- Four. - Three.

- Two. - One.

It doesn't matter.

Zero.

Zero farting on girls, okay?

Listen.

Whether it's a-- - Fizzler.

Flapper.

- Drifter. - Drafter.

- Bubbler. - Burner.

- Breezer. - Bottom burp.

- Booty bomb. - Rim slide.

- Pa-derk. - It doesn't matter.

- It doesn't matter. - It doesn't matter.

I farted on a girl when I was six.

But it doesn't matter if you're...

- Six. - Five.

- Four. - Three.

- Two. - One.

It doesn't matter.

Brothers and sisters,

zero farting on girls.

Wow, you have a good publicist.

He sounded sincere to me,

Edward Norton sounded really sincere to me.

Am I talking about Edward Norton too much?

I don't think I can go through with this.

- You have to! - You have to.

But...

Consequence is literally knocking on your door.

We have to do something.

But I was six!

It's the bear.

- I go to a restaurant, okay? - Okay.

Oh, come on.

They say, uh, 25% for the tip.

That's a quarter of the shaft.

This really isn't working out.

Fortunately for you,

I've witnessed your family's brilliance before

on Legends of the Fall with Brad Pitt.

I trust that your brilliance

will reveal itself again

when we try this one last time.

So no strikes, okay?

Okay.

Now, the network

has extremely high hopes for this film.

- They do? - Yes.

- For this film? - Yes.

What are you... Sorry, I'm-I'm sensing a tone.

- Who cares? - What do you mean,

"for this film"?

Olivier, I think that...

It just feels to me...

Not surrious. - Olivier!

Not serious?

Feels not surrious to me.

We have Timothy Hunt as our lead.

- Oui, Timadee. - Timadee.

- Timadee. - And Rose Gallaway.

- Timadee and Hoes. - Timadee and Hoes.

Timadee and Hoes.

It's a coming-of-age story

about a young man wrestling with his fears,

only to realize that the demons inside him

are far more terrifying than an apex predator!

It's Free Willy but widda bear.

Okay, Olivier!

It's Free Willy. Shhhocolat.

But widda bear.

It's true.

Edward! - Who cares?

Me! I care! You should care!

- Opalye. - Caline.

Tabarnoosh.

The network has decided that,

uh, the black bear isn't scary enough.

So they want to go with a scarier bear.

Hmm.

What do you mean by "hmm"?

You want quani-titty over quali-titty?

Your black bear stays in the movie,

they just want to add a polar bear.

So get us a polar bear.

You don't want a polars bear.

- Oh, yes we do. - N-word?

It's N-word? - It's Edward.

And Katty?

Yes. N-word, Katty...

Timadee and Hoes.

You don't want a polars bear.

This would be crazee.

You'll be in his billy.

You're crazy.

So? - So we're not crazy, man.

But we really need a polar bear.

No.

- Yes. - No.

- Yes. - N-word!

No.

Well then, what do you suggest we do?

Okay.

The bear is black.

Okay? - Okay?

We take it and we pain it white.

Our family have been doing dis for year.

Not recently, but...

The fur is the same as the skin, okay?

- Okay? - We take it, we shange it,

we wash it.

How?

You can shange black skin to white, okay?

- Okay? - As easy as you shange

white skin to black.

Check this.

It work for the face too.

Check this.

Okay, okay, stop, stop! You can't do that!

You can't paint your face black, that is like so--

But yes, check this.

No, you can't! That is super not--

But yes, check this.

You're gonna need to mediate this, Ed.

Yes, fire these fucking idiots!

They are not fuckin' idiots.

Look how they talk to us.

Let's just get a polar bear. They said no.

They really shouldn't talk to us like dis.

Oh, well, I thought that you were the guys

who could make a bear do anything that you need it to do.

It just needs a little bit of foreplay, amirite?

You're too nice, man.

N-word, you cannot wrangle a polars bear, okay?

- Okay? - Get a polars bear

if you want to...

How do you say...

...pizz it all away.

Is there some sort of a certification

that we need to get?

You cannot be certify.

You can only be crazee!

Well then, we have a problem!

Perfect, let's fire them.

There's only one man enough crazy to wrangle a polar bear.

Olivier!

Gabby.

Who?!

I can't believe they released this.

They haven't yet.

They should've got Shania Twain.

I wanna fuck that chick so bad.

He doesn't know if he's going to.

I've wanted to fuck that chick since I was 12.

- Hmm. - 10, if I'm being honest.

You guys good?

Can we get a round of whiskey shots for us

and the staff?

Yeah, man, you got it.

Thanks.

- I've been digging. - And?

Dozens more heard they're fucking the bear.

Everyone's heard they're fucking the bear.

But we've also heard from the Thibaults themselves.

Do we listen to the hysteria?

Or the horse's mouth?

- You have to release it. - I can't.

- Timothy! - I won't.

Okay, we need to act fast,

otherwise this movie is getting scratched.

It's so embarrassing.

People can only dream of sharing a screen

with Edward Norton.

Oh, my God, Tim!

I need this.

Why? It's Free Willy, but with a bear.

I'm not famous anymore.

Well, there is another option.

- To what? - To taking it on the chin.

I'm afraid to ask.

Deny and divert.

You wanna...

If we can prove the Thiffaults are fucking that bear--

It's Trudeau.

- Thai-bo? - Come on!

Look, we don't even really need to prove it.

Okay, that's enough.

It's a bigger story than farting on a girl!

Tim, stop!

God.

How bad do you wanna be famous again?

- Thank you for meeting me. - I'm not here for you.

Really? I'm the best producer in Hollywood.

I don't care what you declare yourself.

I care how you present yourself.

Then why are you here?

My family is too nice.

Too kind.

What about you?

I'm tired of being nice.

Oh?

Deez days...

It's too complicated to be kind.

Very well.

You say there's a man.

Yes.

There's only one man enough crazy

to wrangle a polar bear.

Who?

The Son Of Grizzly Adam.

It was him or me.

It was him or me.

It was him or me.

difuze