Original subtitles

-I'm right here, Mom.

Wait, I can't find you.

He's on Wisconsin Avenue, I think.

Emmitt Street or Elm Street?

It's like around Angel's Bakery

and whatever that new boba tea place is.

That's in a total opposite direction.

Which boba tea place? There's like seven.

What does a sign say?

I don't know.

I don't see a sign.

There is no street sign?

I know streets by the locations, not their names.

Are you kidding me? You lived here your whole life.

Oh, that's it.

You're not coming home. You can walk back.

And guess what?

We've decided, no Christmas tomorrow.

Canceled.

Relax.

I'm near the Kate Spade store now.

We're walking towards the Kate Spade store.

I see you coming out of the gate.

Stop right now. HALE:

There is your son. HALE: There you are.

Hey, is there going to be a raffle this year?

So first sem a freshman year, worth the hype?

Yeah, it was good.

How are classes?

Good.

How are your friends?

Yeah, they're doing good.

Man, sounds like you're having a blast.

Your bus was late, so we are going straight to the party.

What you're wearing is good enough.

Yeah, it looks OK.

There's this thing in Reno, like--

No.

No?

Sorry, kiddo.

Your mom's right. Come on.

Christmas Eve is for family.

Look, and if I have to suffer, you have to suffer.

Check under the seat.

Oh, nice.

You made chocolate pretzels.

Thanks, Mom.

Of course.

And remember, Juliet

has a ton of food for the party, so don't eat too much.

OK, that's enough.

Mom, that was one piece.

Hey, let him eat some.

I hope there's not a theme.

I hate themes.

Just give me Christmas.

Remember, she did that, like, conquistador

thing that one time.

It was like the ocean infiltrated my spaghetti.

Jason.

You know, we go to Sydney all the time.

Now, what?

Do we stuff our turkeys with Vegemite-covered koalas?

No.

I just want to know what the Christmas meat is going to be.

CJ really raised the bar last year with that venison.

Oh, yeah, that was good. It was so good.

Good.

And you told me to fast, right?

She told me to fast.

It's her year.

No clean-up for us.

But watch out, that family is right wing.

You know who Ally works for.

Oh my god, can we just please avoid

politics for one party, guys?

Done.

Thank you.

Oh, Adam, one more thing.

Yeah?

It's just something we thought you should know.

OK, what is it?

It's actually a really funny story.

Oh, I'm excited.

Mm-hmm.

We have shingles.

What?

Why are you guys laughing?

No, no, we don't have-- we're just joking with you.

I just want winter to end.

I'm sick of it, literally.

Flu on Thanksgiving and now COVID on Christmas?

What?

Oh, look, there's another boba tea place.

I'm overreacting.

Yeah. JULIET: Right?

Yeah.

I mean, there are so many reasons to leave a family

behind on Christmas, right? Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah, sure.

Can you help me slice the cheese, please?

Sure, sure.

You know what?

It's fine. It's fine.

It's fine.

I am fine.

You're fine.

You're-- are you fine, Shaun?

I'm fine. I'm fine.

OK.

But, Juliet, honey, I just want you to know,

even if Dante never comes back for you and the kids,

I will be there for you.

You are so sweet.

Ernesto, get down before I throw you down the stairs.

I'm coming, Mom!

Well, if you're serious about that offer, some 21st century

kid decoding you should know.

"I'm coming" means "I'm not ready yet."

I'm almost ready means, "my pants don't fit me, Mom."

And "I'm here" means "I'm coming."

Oh, my goodness, look at my handsome young man.

Oh, you look like you're ready to witness the birth of Jesus.

Oh, so handsome.

The wise men wore chinos?

He's down on his way?

Dad can't make it this year.

What?

Where is he?

He's-- function or something.

What the fuck?

Are you serious?

He said he would be here last time I talked to him.

Is Marco going to be here, at least?

Yes, Marco's coming with his new girlfriend.

So stay positive.

Your dad will be back before you can say January 8.

And everyone's favorite neighbor, Shaun, is here.

Oh, great, Shaun.

And the whole Christmas gang is coming.

And tomorrow is presents.

Ally's going to hate this.

Well, your sister is still in London for Christmas.

I'm going upstairs.

When are you coming back?

I'm almost ready.

Juliet, it's going to be OK.

It's going to be OK.

You're the best, Shaun.

So are you.

Relax, we have no symptoms.

It's been a week.

Don't be a drag.

I told you, hon, the colleges today,

they turn the kids into naggers and the parents into rebels.

You know, marketing isn't as easy as you think, Dad.

Yeah, we know, Adam.

And we couldn't be prouder.

That's why you're going to lie to all our friends and family

we're going to pull you out of school.

And take these off.

Why are you such a dork?

Oh, Merry Christmas, party people.

Adam, get out of my fridge.

Sorry.

Welcome home, Master Adam.

Welcome home. How are you?

I'm doing great. How are you doing?

Me too. I'm good, man.

I'm so glad to hear that.

Shaun!

Hey, Hale, oh, yes.

How are you? Good.

How are you?

I am wonderful.

How's the remodel?

We have a lot to talk about.

Red, white, or sparkling?

Lemonade.

Juliet, I am really going to miss

his classic Christmas White Russians.

Well, don't worry.

Gina's bringing traditional and original cocktails,

so we should all be boozed up.

OK.

So the husband is in--

Buffalo. Yeah.

Buffalo? Really?

I guess Dante really wanted a white Christmas.

Yeah. You know, that reminds me.

He said he would FaceTime all of us

from Buffalo so we can answer the phone.

He said 6:30.

Well, it's 6:37.

No biggie.

It's weird that he took his driver.

I asked to borrow it for when Hale and I

go to Cancun in a couple weeks.

The courses there are unbelievable.

But he said he needed it.

Yeah, indoor golf is a thing now.

Like mini golf?

Yes, yes, exactly, like mini golf.

Why would he take his own driver for mini golf?

What's up, Adam?

How's your love life?

You, for once, could you just be like, you know,

Merry Christmas, Adam?

How was your semester, best friend?

If you must know, Adam, it's been

pretty dry down there recently.

This morning, I found a tumbleweed in my pubes.

Huh.

But it's not my fault, Adam.

My roommate has Pikachu bed sheets

and a gay flag on our door.

And how's Ally doing?

Is she still--

Probably running a think tank, focused

on escaping family functions.

Did you see where it went?

Internships?

No, I haven't looked.

Master's?

No, probably not.

PhD?

MCAT?

Bar?

No.

How's your love life?

Dude, seriously?

Sorry, I zone out of boring convos pretty quickly.

You know, sometimes I lay awake and think

about what a great friend I am.

You know what makes a great friend, Adam?

No.

You can say the meanest, worst shit to them,

and somehow you're better friends than if you were nice.

That's not true at all.

Me and Ally are friends.

And we literally--

Hey, if you mention my sister again,

I will impale a table corner into your knee, you pedo.

Dude, she's 23.

That's it.

Get over here, Hartman.

Someone came hungry.

I did.

Awfully fiery nut mix with no chocolate in sight.

But what is the Christmas meat for this year's festivities?

We are trying something new this year.

I'm keeping the Christmas meat a secret, Jason.

You'll find out at dinner with everyone else.

How unique.

Juliet, not to be rude, but you told everyone

to come at 7:00, right?

I know you're not the best at being on time.

All accounted for.

You are all fine.

Some of these people just needed a little incentive

to be punctual.

So I told the household that gets here closest to 7:00,

that they would get a written permission to get

out of all these side neighborhood

homeless drive events for 2024.

Are we the first ones?

I think we made it, babe.

We made it. We did it.

Woo!

And they fixed the wall.

Did we make it?

Oh, god, damn it.

Nine-minute, overweight schmuck.

I told you we should have driven.

And I told you those ads got me spooked.

I knew that drunk driving was a media Trojan horse.

Who got it?

The Canes.

Those are Jersey license plates.

Yeah, and-- That's your car!

--we Ubered here! Oh my god.

You're right.

You should've said, free Christmas.

All of New Jersey has no other car.

Oh my god!

So who else from New Jersey is here?

You must be an expert in cars.

You made your money stealing hubcaps.

Oh, hubcaps? Hubcaps?

I'm too rich for hubcaps.

You're wearing socks with sandals

right now at a Christmas party. Yeah!

And you smell like a pork roll.

No, that's your cologne.

Oh, that's my cologne?

Next time, spend more than $0.22.

That's my cologne? $0.22?

Oh, lovely girl-- Thank you!

--how many credit card points did you get with this purchase?

Where's your wife? OK.

Where's your wife? CJ: Yeah!

Where is you wife? CJ: Inside!

This is going to be a fun Christmas party.

Hey!

Oh!

All right.

Hello.

How you been, man?

Good to see you.

Great seeing you again.

I've been good.

Great to see college has been good on your son.

Auntie, what is this?

Dude!

So we got five apple slices, one piece of cheese, peppermint.

Ernesto, you got a haircut.

What kind of spread is this?

Is that apricot?

Hey, what is this food?

Can you see this?

This looks fucking disgusting.

All right.

Contractors, man, what are you going to do with them?

Don't worry.

It's going to be a new year soon.

It's going to be better.

I know it, man. I assure you.

You're not even listening.

I'm going to throw up.

Oh my god.

Hey, where's my coat?

Hold on, don't hang up my coat.

I cannot wait for dessert.

And Juliet makes great desserts.

God, she was supposed to have this thing catered.

It's more like crater.

All right, she's a mess.

I mean, no reindeer, no Christmas village, no husband.

And now you wonder why.

I can hardly hear myself think anymore.

Juliet, can you change the music, please?

I mean, come on, if you were married to a woman,

would you want to be here?

Obviously not.

I'm expecting pie, but anything's possible.

Couldn't be prouder.

I mean, you think Orson's big?

19, 6' 2", 250.

250?

When was the last time we saw you, Ernesto?

Wow, you are huge.

Right?

The remodel.

Oh, that's still going on?

Don't get me started-- slanted tiles.

How are you finding America?

Oh, that's how she likes America.

Oh my god, I love it.

I love it.

Where did you get it from?

It was on sale, garage sale.

Who are we feeding?

Tiny Tim?

OK, man, she's just trying her best.

And that's meant for everybody.

Try her best?

It must have been real hard to cut up that apple.

Listen, I know your dad's not here,

but she could have done a lot better.

She got Shaun.

And I know that's like having negative one people, but--

I actually heard your third album is coming out.

I'm done with contractors.

What did you end up calling it?

You're such a fraud.

You didn't even want him in fantasy.

The only reason you're a Bengals fan is because you were

jealous.

Then, why was Roe v Wade overturned?

Because there are idiot justices.

They were purchased by the Republicans.

Idiot justices?

How did they get there in the first place?

Because they were bought and paid for.

Oh my god, please.

They were bought and paid for.

Oh, god.

This is not what the United States is about.

No, preposterous is these people going out.

No, this is not what the Unites States is about.

No, these women are going out, having

sex with whoever they want-- No, that is not.

--getting pregnant by everybody.

No, that is in your dreams.

Oh, yeah, in my dreams? Yeah.

I have a girlfriend. No, women.

I'm not worried about that.

No, Adam.

What are you doing?

Look, listen.

Adam, hey.

Hard liquor for hard times?

Come on, your first semester of college

just ended, and you won't tell your honorary godfather

any stories?

I don't have any, Shaun.

Oh, slimminy Christmas!

College wasn't fun?

No sex?

No drugs?

Not even any rock and roll?

It's-- the only thing college has inspired me to do

is to look at other colleges.

I mean, I was excited for everything I was going to do.

I really was.

It's just-- I don't know, it's not--

it's not actual excitement.

It's like a distraction--

a distraction from my routine, I guess.

Does that make sense?

OK, um, so in child me's brain, I had

entire armies fighting for me.

I invaded castles.

I discovered planets.

I mean, it was boundless.

Now when I wake up, I wonder whether or not Panera

has the mac and cheese I like.

I mean, that's my excitement for the whole day, the whole week.

Let's face it, I'm a 19-year-old has-been.

Wait, a 19-year-old has-been?

To be a has-been, you have to have been a "been."

Now, 19-year-old never-will-be if you keep talking like this.

But no, don't be a Pessimistic Patty.

Why don't you be more like Danny?

Sing some songs.

You've seen Danny, right?

OK, exactly my point.

This is absurd.

Give me that.

Jesus, Mary, and Joseph, stop that.

Stop.

I'm sorry.

Sorry.

Adam, sounds like you need a thrill.

So here's a suggestion for you, scrooge.

Do what I did and join the theater.

The theater?

Yeah.

Oh, yeah.

The remodel was driving me crazy.

I needed to treat myself.

So I went to an audition.

I got the part.

I've been cast in a murder-mystery play community

theater up in Alexandria.

The title, An Old Town Murder.

And I'm the butler.

OK, acting, I like it.

So what kind of lines you got?

I know you got some lines.

Lines?

Do you have any lines, he said.

Oh, you brought the script with you, OK.

Do you have lines, you say.

OK, wait a minute.

What do you--

what is happening?

"It's my grandson's 14th birthday, but Ms.--

Ms. Dombrowski wouldn't give me the day off."

Oh, that's it?

Yeah, that's it.

The butler's presence doesn't need words for it to be felt.

Let's try it, like, if you were in the theater

with the audience.

Lights on you, this is your moment, your line.

You know what I mean? I got you.

I got you.

OK, but I got to warn you something.

My director, this play has a director.

OK.

My director, she wants me to do it in a Scottish accent or

a brogue, if you will.

Interesting. OK.

OK? Yeah.

All right.

Let's hear it.

Ready?

Oh, yeah.

Hey, everybody.

The Christmas meat needs to braise a tad more,

and then it will be ready.

OK, you ready?

Irish grip, top hand, thumb down, knuckles facing out.

Bottom hand like this.

You approach the ball, and--

on a IX regulation.

Am I right, Gina?

Nice, very nice.

I asked any of you to name one professional croquet player--

just one.

No need.

Hollywood has a fetish for croquet, Jase.

You wouldn't believe the amount of movies

that are greenlit from one swing of a mallet.

Oh, is that so?

Like what?

Is that how Sophie's Choice was made?

Alan Pakula was just sitting around shooting

the shit with Meryl, you know, Streep.

And he was saying, hey, Meryl, see that hoop over there?

You know what that hoop reminds me of?

The one that Meryl has to jump through or Sophie, I mean,

that she has to jump through to decide whether she's going

to stay with her boyfriend who abuses her

or the man who really loves her.

Or maybe that hoop, the one she has to jump through to decide

which kid she's going to kill.

It's-- it's actually called a wicket.

Boop.

I say we get one for the house.

Hale.

Make that two.

Yes!

Jesus.

See, Jase, croquet is in.

You never know when it's out.

It's like life.

You've just got to grab the mallet,

take a swing at the balls.

It's good to see you, big bro.

Hey, Gene, let me tell you about the Dutch angle.

I've never been to Amsterdam.

Not the same thing, man.

Not the same thing.

He looks like a little Dutch girl.

He looks like a pushover.

You guys haven't even met the guy.

No.

Layla, I love your red shoes, by the way.

Did you get-- you must have gotten

a great deal on them, right?

Thanks, Gina.

Tell me.

Hey, take a look at this.

Oh, this is Ally's new boyfriend.

Yeah, he looks cool, right?

Kind of looks like a dork.

I don't think he's right for her.

Mm-hmm, nope.

Guys, I am happy to meet him.

But you guys don't deserve to.

I can't wait to meet your family, Ally.

Please, tell me you're not wearing

white socks with loafers.

Oh, no.

They're kind of the eggshell, Ally.

Roman.

I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

Look, I took a run to motivate myself for tonight, yeah?

But, then, I passed by this house.

And there was this woman doing unspeakable things

to a Biden yard sign.

So then I went to this pub, you know, a little flavor of home.

But the bartender, he was a Serbian guy.

He was like, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

It's OK, all right?

Just don't overthink it.

You are a Brit in America.

Just about how you say what you say.

I love you.

Come on.

Doesn't he remind you of Prince Harry in college?

Yes!

You must get that all the time.

Well, no, I got Billie Jean King on the trolley yesterday,

so I reckon I'm a chameleon of sorts.

Thanks, CJ.

You're home.

Come here, come here, come here.

Mom.

I'm so sorry.

I just can't believe you surprised us on Christmas Eve.

You are the true miracle child.

Stop. ERNESTO: Easy, Mom.

She was an hour late.

Ally!

Orson, hi.

Could you ask the congressman to shoot me an email back?

I'm working on a John Grisham adaptation for a while now.

And I could really use his expertise.

Ally.

I'll see what I can do.

Oh, Jason, hi.

Hi.

Hale.

You look stunning, Madam President.

Thank you, Hale.

It's really good to see you again.

So good to see you, guys.

How are you?

Awesome.

Yeah, I mean, life is just-- you know,

life is just such a blessing.

I just feel very blessed to be here with you,

my family, the tree, Santa.

It's just an excess of--

Oh, bless you.

Thank you.

Ally, I actually don't know if you saw,

but there's a mistletoe up there.

So crazy.

Oh, that's actually Nandina domestica, an East Asian bamboo.

No, no, no, I'm pretty sure that's mistletoe.

It's Nandina domestica, an East Asian bamboo.

I own this house.

I think I should know what plants I have.

But you're Adam Hartman, the floral virtuoso, right?

Yeah, I apologize.

Sorry.

Mom.

I'm so happy.

Oh, Santa, please, just let me take a quick look.

I think I have a thesaurus

in the car for you, Cyrano.

Yeah, real funny.

Come on.

I don't know.

I just get so nervous around her.

It's--

Well, at least you have it.

Have what, Shaun?

What do I have?

Have what?

Open your eyes, Adam.

Excitement!

She is your excitement.

No, I mean, she has Roman.

What am I going to do?

I have to laugh.

Roman?

Roman as in the empire?

Oh, boy.

Last I checked, the Ottomans have

control of the Mediterranean, college boy.

When was the last time you checked, Shaun?

Get real, Adam!

Jesus!

What I saw from you up there, a guy

isn't that reckless with a girl unless he really likes

her or he's married to her.

Yeah, I don't know.

Just, me and Ally were close when we were kids.

It's just, I mean, you forget.

You move on.

It's just out of reach.

OK, it was love in plain sight.

And gals like Ava, they don't come

along very often in a man's--

Ally. Ava?

Ally? Ally.

Yeah, it's Ally. There you go.

Gals like Ally, they don't come around

very often in a man's life.

When's the last time you saw her?

Dude, I even know.

I think it was the last time you did.

Yeah, I was just starting high school,

and she was just finishing it.

You know, I actually--

I forgot there was a point in time where

she came to these parties.

She has had no time for you, me, anyone

since all the politics shit.

It's just--

OK, let's back up a minute now.

She was graduating high school when

you were starting high school?

Yeah.

All right, that's 1, 2, 3, 4, 3 and 1/2 years?

It's like four years.

OK, that's a tad creepy, but it is what it is.

That really helps.

Thanks.

Well, you're right.

She hasn't had much time for us because of politics.

And pretty soon, she's not going to have any time.

My sources tell me she's moving to London for good.

Do you still like her?

♪ ♪ Christmas bells

♪ cast a spell on the world ♪

♪ Bringing you home to me ♪

Hey, how's it going?

It's going well, I think.

People are looking at me like I'm a museum exhibit, which is--

I mean, I'm pretty sure you're not allowed

to touch museum exhibits.

I called your mother "mummy."

And no one's asked for my name, but I haven't asked for theirs.

So maybe that's just an American thing.

Maybe I'm just a prick.

No, baby.

No, you're not, OK?

Let me give you the Foxhall Village rundown.

So that's Shaun.

He's like, he's the neighborhood oracle.

He's lived here the longest.

Jason and Hale Hartman are like my second family.

And their son, Adam, we were deviants back in the day.

Never mind.

You know, Adam and I, we kind of lost touch, though.

Well, I hope I get to meet him.

Oh, you're going to be great friends.

Oh, yeah.

And then there's Jason's brother, Orson,

who-- he used to live here, but now

he lives in Hollywood, where he's

like some big movie producer.

And then Andrew Tate with hair, otherwise known

as my cousin Marco and his girlfriend Olha,

who's like a refugee or something.

You know, I don't really know because Marco only

talks about her legs.

Oh, god, and there's CJ, who can literally never take

a fucking hint and his wife, Layla,

who is astoundingly patient.

I caught them dry humping once against the foosball table

when I was 10.

It was scarring.

Ehh.

I have never touched it to this day.

But not as much PDA anymore, according to my mom.

Well, the night is still young.

Mm-hmm.

And who are the old people with that little boy?

Oh, god, that's Gene and Gina Caine, old friends.

They were a huge counterculture activist until they accidentally

got pregnant with Danny.

They channel all of that energy into his career.

He's like a singer with like this big internet following.

It doesn't matter.

You don't really have to talk to him.

No one else does.

What kinds of things does he sing?

Punk rock or R&B?

Wait a second.

That's not even remotely right.

I grew up listening to--

to Vic Damone and Sammy Davis Jr.

Hush!

He idolizes Billie Eilish and Postman Malone.

He wants to be like them.

This is what you got kicked out of choir.

I told you he needs more media training.

I know.

I know.

Is this the bathroom?

Oh, Danny Caine.

CJ.

Hello.

What can I get for you?

How old are you?

17.

And what is the legal age of consent

in the District of Columbia?

Um, 16 with a four-year age gap.

That's what I thought.

That's good work.

Mm.

Danny Caine, did you fuck my wife?

Oh.

Oh, thank god. Oh my god.

Thank god?

I thought you were going to-- What kind of an--

You got me, man. You got me.

What kind of an asshole says "thank god"

to a man whose wife is cheating on him, Danny Caine?

No, this is not, very much not a "thank god" moment.

Do you understand that? Yeah.

Sorry. Yeah.

Because someone at this party downstairs, as we speak,

is banging my wife.

As we speak?

Yeah, as we speak, OK?

This is what I know.

And I know this very simply because I saw it in her phone.

But that woman does not know how to make

contacts to save her life, OK?

I could use some help around here.

Yeah.

OK.

Um, what about-- what if you-- what if you just ask her?

Marriage expert, Danny Caine.

Yeah, why didn't I just think of that all along?

Well, did you? Yeah.

No, no, no, no, no.

This is not how you go about doing this, OK?

OK, new mystery to solve, a new puzzle to unravel.

I am Perry Mason in this.

We've got to vice this shit up ourselves.

We?

Well, unfortunately, my services are unavailable for tonight,

but-- Really?

Really? No help at all?

None?

Yeah.

OK.

Yeah, well, thanks for nothing, Danny Caine.

And your songs suck!

What about the Christmas meat?

Are we eating pig trotters?

Pig trotters?

With a thick gravy?

Hale, no, no, no thick gravy.

Why would people think that?

We deduce what the meat is from the sides.

Yes! Yes, Gene.

OK, all right. All right, that might--

Negative, sir.

What?

I saw mashed potatoes, caprese salad, tapenade.

Ew.

She's gone incognito.

I did check her spice rack.

And I can't even tell what seasoning she used.

What kind of party doesn't have meat disclosure?

I mean, it could be chicken.

It could be turkey.

It could be duck.

It could be something we've never heard of.

Oh, no.

No, no.

No, that's not possible.

Not good.

This time next year, we'll have the city.

You know, freshman year, we tried to influence an expansion

on the Affordable Care Act applicants,

non-partisan public service, but 85% of our constituents

didn't trust it.

Damn.

It's tough.

Mm-hmm.

Yeah, I mean, God knows it's perfect,

but insurance companies can't charge

higher premiums for people with existing

conditions under Obamacare.

Obamacare?

Ugh.

You should have just gone with the Affordable Care Act.

It's my grandson's 14th birthday, but Ms. Dombrowski

wouldn't give me the day off.

Cut!

No, no, absolutely not.

I like the effort.

I can see you trying, Shaun.

I appreciate it.

You're not asking.

You're telling.

The question is, what is my relationship

with Ms. Dombrowski?

Oh, my word, it's Dombrowski.

It's Eastern European.

The W makes a V sound.

It's not important.

What is important is my child's birthday.

Shaun, what is butler's motive?

Um.

To get the day off? No.

No! Really?

No. Really?

You're, what now, a dialect coach?

Yes, I'm a movie producer unlike whatever

you are in your red sweater.

He needs practice.

You're not helping.

I'm trying to, sweetie, but you've got to be focused.

He's got a lot to work with, OK?

You have to be focused.

She's the subject.

I'm the plot device.

How dare you?

In the story, I'm an immigrant, and I have been to war.

Action!

Ms. Dombrowski wouldn't let me go,

even though it's my grandson's 14th birthday.

She's such a mean lady.

What's wrong with her?

And I'm a loyal servant. No!

Stop.

I can't understand this whole thing.

Wait, Danny, let me-- You're not improvising.

Wait, wait, no. Let me direct.

As God is my witness.

Let me direct.

Fine!

Oh, thank you, Juliet.

Is dinner ready?

I see you going for the original.

Rookie mistake.

Can I just have a Pimm's?

OK, listen, emperor, all right?

This isn't Britain where every guy's like 25% fruity,

all right? What?

Do you want a little H2O cocktail, a little melon water,

huh? Listen, buddy.

If you want to marry Hope, you're going to have to earn it.

Yep.

Tonight, we're going to teach you how to be an American.

Yes.

American.

OK, I'll do it.

I'll be American. Yes, you will.

Yes! America, go, America.

There you go. America, number 1.

USA! Yup!

USA! USA!

Yes! USA!

USA! There you go.

Yeah!

All right, perfect.

Where's the nearest unprotected school?

I want to get a gun.

I want to try crack.

The fuck is wrong with you, dude?

Are you serious? Sorry.

What the fuck, man?

Sorry, I was just trying something.

Yeah, try something different.

I kind of want to hit you right now.

I didn't like that, man. I didn't like that.

Oh my god, why would you say that?

Oh, dude, the cocktail.

You didn't even drink it yet. I'll do it.

I'll do it. I'll drink it, though.

OK. All right.

Hey.

Ally!

I didn't even see you out here.

Yeah, man, It's just, um, it's something about that winter air,

you know?

It's great.

I saw you staring through the window.

So you're a vaper now, I see.

You want some?

Yeah, why not?

You just suck right there.

Whoa.

Thank you.

Oh my god.

Are you OK?

Yeah.

It's been a bit.

Yeah.

So how is London?

Pretty great.

How's college?

It's not bad.

So it sucks.

Well, you suck, so--

I love the deep voice.

Oh, love the tits, girlfriend.

Love the tits, girlfriend?

Yeah, they're more well-rounded.

They're bigger.

Are they real?

You know that I work for the United States

government, college boy.

Oh, god, even worse.

For the Majority Whip of the Republican Party?

Oh, so you're a white nationalist now.

I'm not.

Do you even know what the Majority Whip means?

Well, I really wish I did.

The shortest US president.

James Madison.

OK, who's the tallest?

Abe Lincoln.

That's about right.

How many more US presidents do you think you got left?

Presidents?

Yeah, presidents.

Yeah, OK.

I think I got, like, eight. ALLY: I don't think so.

In my lifetime. ALLY: I don't think so.

All right, 1948.

Truman, right?

Yeah.

Yes?

Yup.

Tell me, Seneca Falls, what do you know?

Oh, she just does a lot for this country.

I think, you know, OK.

Well, I think anyone can manifest their own destiny.

I don't-- the whole manifesting thing is,

like, I think the universe has some part of it.

But I don't think--

I think prayer is more a religious thing

than manifesting.

So all the workers' rights jerk offs, but, you,

you went with the guy who said welfare

was against the will of God.

A policy advisor position at my--

OK, so now you're like crime, et cetera, George Soros,

et cetera, the gay agenda. No.

It just doesn't--

No.

And he was neither.

But you know, be aware of the lures of donors,

for they come in many disguises as they say.

OK, I'm catching on.

He was a moderate when he campaigned before money.

And he knew that I leaned more left anyways.

And it was good because I could actually

gauge what the other side of his constituency wanted.

So what have you done?

We outlaw the rest of the nude beaches in the panhandle.

That was you?

Mm-hmm.

Oh my god.

You, loser, you know that.

You're a loser.

Yeah, whatever.

It was the worst mistake of my life.

Oh, of your life?

Yeah, of my life. That's what I said.

Be careful. ALLY: OK.

You got it? ALLY: I got it.

I got you.

Come on.

Are you all right?

After it went through, these trolls

posted a bunch of fake nudes of me on the beach online.

What a night, right?

Living the dream.

I know, It's ridiculous.

It's nice he let you go on a hiatus, though--

the Congressman.

Oh, he didn't.

I quit.

You quit your job?

Are you insane?

Don't tell my mom, OK?

Oh, Ally.

She would literally die.

She would die.

And then my dad would resurrect her to kill me.

And he's like a frat friend of my dad,

so like, the sword is extra sharp.

It's just whatever.

It's OK if you hate helping people.

I get it. I get it.

No, OK?

Politics, though, it's just--

it's problem after problem.

But you don't actually get to see the subjects of the problem

because you're so busy dealing with a whole different problem.

Yeah, but you were also a part of it.

Sticks to everything you hear, you say, you do.

And that's sort of awesome.

I still want to run one day.

You know I'd vote for you.

Thanks.

Roman has a job, though, at his dad's pub in the West End,

so everything's kind of up in the air, I guess.

Oh, yes, a very unstable decision.

Or you could go with a more familiar route,

but where's the fun in that?

He spilled beer in my hair.

And then he came back with a towel and his number.

And he stared at me just like--

oh, god.

That's too bad your dreams are here.

Hillary made it look so easy, like you

can just smile and pretend that you're not

the subject of porn parodies.

Oh my god, such a Pessimistic Patty.

You should be honored to be the subject of porn parodies, OK?

What?

I actually think that's how your biography should be

told, you know, through porn.

Really?

Ah.

"The Diary of a Young Schoolgirl by Anne Skank."

You're not funny.

The autobiography of Malcolm XXX.

Boom!

Hush, I have neighbors.

Sorry.

The Motorboat Diaries.

Che Guevara, OK, that's pretty good.

I think it's actually pronounced "Cue-va-ra."

I'm pretty sure.

I don't really care.

Wow, college is doing wonders for you.

I'm a marketing major, so I don't really care if my Español

isn't up to your standards.

ALLY: OK.

Well, good.

Is this how Roman does it?

Lad?

Mate?

You know, your eyes aren't blue.

They're hazel.

OK, you're going to call the Gestapo, huh?

Yeah, maybe.

OK.

Maybe, all right.

You know, you don't tug on my sleeve and whisper in my ear

anymore.

I could.

We didn't realize how good being a kid was.

No, we didn't.

No.

I mean, a paradox, with gigantic implications

with no consequences.

I mean, it was great.

Yeah, we were the perfect duo.

We were.

What?

If I get to my house before you tag me,

you're the rotten egg.

Come on!

You're it.

Not that it matters, you know, we're all inclusive.

But like, how old--

Neither am I.

--is Shaun?

"Happy Holidays" by Andy Williams, "Up On The Housetop."

All stale.

Stale!

I don't know why we don't pay the national debt

with a credit card.

Yeah, but the meat you guys eat over there is crap.

I mean, the food is shit in England.

Michael Bublé.

The Bubster. Up top!

Hey! Hey!

Shaun. Come on in.

What are you guys talking about?

Come on in. Come on in.

Sounds like you're talking about some old timer guy.

Well, Shaun, no, no.

We've got pasty skin.

We've got-- That's a positive?

Friends with him too.

Yeah.

Did anybody else have a really happy childhood?

The weather, it rains every day.

Rain all the time, every day.

Take age over beauty any day, Roman, not that you're a beauty.

No. Oh my god.

Wow. Wow.

He agrees. See?

Look, America wins again. Again?

Again?

America again.

Yes!

Nice!

Oh, hey, how's it going?

So happy as you love that wine.

The acidic balance on it is so on point.

And that is actually why it's a very favorite Pinot.

It is very good.

Not much English, right?

Sorry.

Go start again.

I-- how did you and Marco meet?

How we meet?

Meet.

The Budapest.

Budapest?

That is a very cool story.

And I must ask, ring?

Yes.

We marry soon so I can work.

A green card marriage, how very orderly, how very Marco.

I come from Kyiv.

Kyiv?

Oh, Russian.

So I must ask, how far did you grow up away from Moscow?

No, no, I come from Ukraine.

You're Ukrainian.

That makes me an idiot for what I just said.

I am so sorry.

I-- I am, like, wow--

It's OK. --a moron.

No, it's not OK.

I-- what is happening is horrible.

Putin is a fucking monster.

Bad, not good.

It's not OK at all.

And let me--

I want to find the right words in Ukrainian.

Sorry, it was "Ol-ha" pronounced?

"Ol-ha." like ha-ha-ha?

Yes. That's how we say your name?

Yes. Ha-ha?

Olha, OK.

I got you.

OK.

What?

Putin sucks.

Come on.

Oh, man.

I got another one.

What?

Juliet, now what?

What's going on here?

It's too muggy outside.

I'm moving dinner in here.

It would be a little late for that.

You're going to move the entire dinner party.

CJ, no one asked your opinion.

Oh, god.

Come and help me move the table.

No.

No, no, no, no.

That is an outrageous request, Juliet, OK?

I am your dinner guest.

And never will I ever be caught up

in your twisted, manipulative spiderweb

that is your sick little game of Christmas cuisine.

Never ever.

Come and help me.

Wow.

Um, there's no more wall left.

It's all poster.

Why do you have your dolls in glass cabinets?

Oh, my miniature models.

Yeah, no, they're not getting dusty.

Really?

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry, I just--

I'm surprised you didn't get rid of them.

Why would I?

They're investments.

Are you still into Batman?

The greatest crime fighter who ever lived?

Yeah.

I don't think he lived, though, right?

Oh, I'm sorry.

Do you want me to get a poster of Harriet Tubman

on my wall for you? Yes.

Would that make you feel better?

Yes. OK, I'll do it.

Great.

So You getting a lot of Batman stuff for Christmas this year?

No.

All I get are clothes now.

What do you mean everything you get are--

Everything under the tree, it's all

squishy, even the box presents.

I'll open one box for there to be another box.

And inside that box will be a sweater.

OK, so then what do you want?

I just want a great, big present for Christmas this year,

you know, without any of the shape manipulators.

Right.

Right.

You know, my brother is the worst present giver in history.

Oh, I know.

You do?

Yes, my best friend, you know what he got me last Christmas?

What?

White shirts. No.

Yes.

No.

I got him a custom-engraved Armani--

Armani-- watch.

Oh my god.

And he got me white shirts.

Well, did you need white shirts?

I have white shirts.

I mean, when have you not seen me in a white shirt?

Come on.

I'm literally wearing one right now.

OK, well, maybe you needed more.

I have, like, 50 pairs.

OK.

Well, were they nice?

No, they were like the Prime one day essentials shirts.

It's like sandpaper on your skin.

So what would you get me for Christmas?

Like a doormat or something, I don't know.

A doormat?

You're a fancy adult now.

Oh, fuck off, college boy.

Seriously, come on.

Why would you get me?

A Swiffer? A Swiffer?

A Swiffer?

What?

It's like the mop.

I know what a Swiffer is.

Why?

It could be useful to you.

Oh my god, you are so ridiculous.

I forgot how much I missed you.

Do you remember the old Christmas parties

when we'd hide under the table together and then we just--

Yeah.

Not a care in the world.

But in the universe, I loved Christmas back then.

I love it now.

♪ ♪ The smell

♪ of pine and children's cheer ♪

♪ Oh, Christmas ♪

♪ Oh my mama's calling me ♪

♪ She wants to know ♪

♪ To share old Christmas ♪

♪ Oh, Christmas everywhere ♪

♪ Oh, St. Nick ♪

Wine?

Do you celebrate Christmas?

Yes, but no presents.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Did Marco not get you anything?

My last husband and I, we were poor.

We lived only on potatoes and pickles.

He goes into the army, gets deployed on Christmas.

He says he will not return until I can get a present every year.

That was 15 years ago.

I waited to honor him.

I'm sorry.

Oh, it is OK.

This is first celebration in a long time.

It is colorful.

Hey, how you doing?

How are you?

Have you met Olha?

Oh, I sure did, wife of mine.

Three words for you--

what a narcissist.

♪ Christmas everywhere ♪

You know, Brits can only do missionary.

I read that in The Times.

Yeah, I read that too.

1984, vagina is imperative in this nation.

And not just about wetting your noodle.

No, it's about assembling the troops.

It's a load of metaphors.

No, listen.

Listen, Emperor.

It's about the children, OK?

It's about legacy.

Madam, tell this chap about the bloodline.

Really, Roman?

They convinced me.

Dinner's almost ready.

Censorship at its finest.

I'm censoring my civilly-minded boyfriend

from you're sexist garbage.

OK, respectfully, Ally, for bloodline purposes,

you're completely irrelevant.

How many kids do you have again?

Remind me.

You don't just talk the talk, right?

Olha's ripe to be pregnant for the next 20

Years I'll have so many kids, I'm

going to put them all in a cave and make them kill each other.

I don't want pussies, OK?

I want Spartans. Spartans?

Yeah, you used to drink testosterone

out of a Gatorade bottle.

Not true.

I think your man boobs would beg to differ.

It's true. Listen.

Look, can you just spare me

until dinner at least where you're

going to mansplain Emily Post, I'm sure, while you

eat a fucking squirrel.

Emily Post?

You don't know what could happen to you.

Don't you want to leave a mark?

What are you talking about?

You know, I think I want a daughter.

What? We'll get there.

There we go. We'll get there.

There we go.

I don't know, it seems kind of fun.

I would love a daughter, but I want a son.

I can't believe you're even entertaining this, Adam.

What? Why not?

You're 19.

OK, and?

I mean, if someone were to--

never mind.

Hey, if you want lots of kids,

why don't you take a career in sperm donor?

What's the pay? ERNESTO: $90.

Per load.

Per load.

Woo-hoo.

Ooh.

Jesus Christ.

All right, is it time to fucking eat yet?

My god.

Are you done?

No.

I think it's the best one I've ever written.

Lots of heart and--

Danny, OK.

OK.

Mom and I were brainstorming.

Yeah.

Now, we think something about how we're all Americans--

Yes.

--or on the edgier side--

now, stick with me here-- a rock opera about abortion.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Your base is going to love it.

And think of this.

You'll set into motion the 21 to 28s.

Absolutely.

Come on.

OK, yeah.

Well, I don't know, I was--

I was thinking maybe we could do a holiday album.

A holiday album?

You mean like this one here with carols and--

I haven't thought it thought it through that much.

Fantastic.

Wait, wait, really, Mom?

You like it?

Mm-hmm.

Picture this.

A song detailing a family of four separated at the border.

Wait. Yes.

No, no, that's not what I meant.

An undocumented Christmas.

Freaking fantastic! Journal it.

Journal it. Get it down.

No! No!

Yes.

I want to make an album that transports

you to somewhere special, that you'll never forget.

You know--

♪ Have a holly, jolly-- ♪

9/11!

No, it's fake.

Everything's fake on this table.

Disgusting.

We should have went to a steakhouse.

Every year, we do the same fucking shit.

We come to this fucking shithole.

Why do we always come here?

Wait, what?

You asked if she wanted to have a daughter with you?

OK, I didn't verbalize it.

It was just-- it was like a hmm, like a hmm.

Holy crap!

What are you going to do next?

Buy matching gravestones?

I don't know, Shaun.

Just stop, please. OK.

Jason.

I can't.

Look-- wait, why am I sitting--

I can't.

He's the world's worst pseudo intellectual since Jim Jones.

We barely see him anymore.

You act like that's a bad thing.

But you're sure that she kissed you?

Oh, definitely.

OK.

All right.

Well, push that connection, lay out the breadcrumbs,

but stay passive.

I like him.

Adam likes him.

Everyone likes him.

Of course, you do.

All he talks about is his fancy dinners

and name drops, his famous friends

and his cushy apartments.

To him, I'm just some vanilla schmuck.

I would do anything for you, just like the butler would do

anything for his grandchildren.

Just try to get along.

For me?

Fine.

Fine.

Greatest crime fighter who ever lived.

A doormat?

Stop that. All right, let's go.

I'm good.

Jeez.

Looks affordable.

I like your sweater.

There it is.

It's very nice.

Your makeup is fantastic.

Oh, Layla.

It's so awful.

Jesus Christ, These cheap fucking napkins too, Jesus.

I feel like I'm at a kid's birthday party.

Is this a joke?

Oh my god.

No, not yet, not yet, not yet, not yet.

God almighty.

Oh my god.

How many of those signature

cocktails have you had?

Is that one water pitcher for fucking 20 people?

Is she serious?

You should probably not hang out with her.

No.

OK.

Shaun.

I'm so sorry.

Mm.

I'm obsessed with the bean dip.

That's baba ganoush.

Call it whatever you want.

I call it delicious.

OK, Shaun.

Is that jello?

Excuse me.

And then?

And for glycemic index, you then do--

Oh, it makes a difference?

Yeah, it does.

It actually slows it down. Really?

Yeah. Wow.

That's true science.

Yes.

They teach that in California, huh?

Yeah, they do.

I'm friends with Andrew Huberman.

Make sure, Danny, we're going talk to you a little bit

later about something.

That's super cool, yeah.

Can I get everyone's attention?

Every year, all of us, we get together

on the eve of first Noel to celebrate

how full we make each other--

how even if this feast was tarnished,

just the company of each other would

be enough to fill our stomachs.

But this year feels more complete than ever before.

Layla, Orson, Shaun, Hale, my beautiful daughter, Ally, and

her lover, no one is missing.

To the magnificent Juliet, and this absolutely divine feast,

long may it be eaten.

Yes.

Absolutely, cheers.

Cheers to that.

Cheers. Cheers.

Cheers.

Cheers.

Cheers.

There you go.

Thanks, man.

So Juliet, let's see what we've got here from you.

That's beautiful, right?

Yeah.

It's full of effort.

All right, let's do this already.

Shh.

Oh my god.

Oh!

God, thank you, baby Jesus.

Yeah!

Does that look good?

Yes, it does.

I told you.

OK, come on.

Come on.

All right. Thank God.

Adam, pass me the sweet potatoes.

Dude, you're at the end of the table.

Get the door. Excuse me.

Excuse me.

Come over here and get them.

Go. Excuse me.

Excuse me.

It's OK.

Well, hello.

Come on in.

If I didn't have such a warm heart,

I think I would have been cold waiting on you.

Thank you.

Go ahead.

Take that off.

Oh, sure.

My apologies for my tardiness, people.

Ooh.

Mm-mm-mm.

Merry Christmas, folks.

What are you doing here?

You're telling me I can't stop by on Christmas Eve

to welcome back my favorite advisor?

Congressman, it's been a bit.

And Dante's not home.

Feast was intended for only a few people,

but I'll make it work.

I always do.

Thanks for telling me, Ally.

I didn't know.

Marco, grab me a chair.

Well, that's on me.

I apologize for showing up unannounced.

But when I heard that Alexandria was making her big return,

gosh, darn it, I was powerless to refrain.

Your family has always been so quintessential to the cause.

It's a pleasure to meet you, sir.

Interesting table.

I've never had dinner in three rooms at one time.

Orson, move.

Sir, sit down.

Thank you.

I got the chair.

Yeah, have a seat.

There you go.

You look fantastic.

What are you waiting for, people?

Let's eat.

How are you?

Good.

Yeah, London's great.

It's-- you know.

Must be so great for the both of you

to spend time together again.

Yeah.

Me and Ally are really close friends.

You know, it's been a little bit since I've seen her,

but, I mean, every moment tonight,

I'd say we're getting closer, closer, closer, closer.

Did you drop something?

Yeah, just my integrity.

I'm going to go to the bathroom.

Ernesto, can I see you really quick?

Yeah, sure, buddy.

That's a good kid.

He's clumsy, but he's a good kid.

Look, we're just going to have to agree to disagree here.

It's always nice to see you, Jason.

You look really good in that suit, sir.

I concur.

And, also, I haven't really had a chance to meet you,

but I'm very eager to make up for lost time.

Pleasure meeting you.

I dig the scarf, brother.

This is Kente cloth, right?

Ah--

What's up, man?

I was now working back there.

I need to tell you something.

What's up?

You just please promise you won't get mad.

Yeah, of course.

OK.

I'm in love with your sister.

Aw!

Oh, what the hell is wrong with you?

Dude, you are the worst best friend in the world.

My fucking sister, man?

Everybody out there already likes her more than me.

And now you love her, dude?

It isn't just me, OK?

She loves me too.

I'll make it up to you.

You can be the best man at our wedding.

Dude, whatever happened to bros before hoes, dude?

Your sister isn't a whore.

She's a wonderful woman.

I'll never forgive you, fucking asshole.

Oh, shit.

Get off me!

Get off me!

Get off!

Fucking asshole.

The ham is to die for.

It isn't half bad.

I am fulfilled.

In fact, I wouldn't mind--

Another dish, please, Juliet.

It's so tantalizing.

Thank you.

You do realize it's self-serve, right?

Oh, I forgot how much of a slow eater you are, Jase.

You could never outeat me, even at your hungriest.

We would have had to extend the Calcutta trip twofold

if he joined me, dad, and Kev last summer.

Yeah, no, London's wonderful.

But I miss you, guys.

Oh, I missed you too.

I do.

I really do.

It's been too long.

What do you do there?

Alexandra, I want you back.

That's why you're here?

It's no surprise that you

were a loyal civil servant, the populist ace up my sleeve

on a pandemic election year.

Help me make good on those promises and flip the polls.

You've always polled strong.

Well, not always.

Since you left, some of what me and my team have implemented

have not gone over well.

Well, even my after-hour filibusters aren't connected.

But we can change that.

We can fix it, Alexandria, like we used to--

just no beaches.

We didn't get anything done for two years.

We were at an ideological stalemate.

I mean, are you actually going to listen to my ideas

and take my advice?

Yes.

I will maintain my TV partnership with Breitbart

and prop up Bezos.

And you, you, Alexandria, you maintain

your cute, little corporation tax side for the county.

Done.

But, um, yeah, you're not going to like it.

Who's really going to notice, huh?

Hey, Congressman.

Look, I had to--

I'm sorry, man.

We got off on the wrong foot, and I apologize.

And I just-- I want to be cool with you, and--

It's OK.

TJ?

Close enough.

It's OK.

Yeah, but it's not.

It's my wife.

She's been really shifty lately.

And--

I'm not surprised.

--the kind of shifty that a man doesn't want to have

to deal with with his wife.

And like, I just wanted to make sure she wasn't shifting

in your congressional district.

Hey.

Gene really outdid himself with these original cocktails.

I think I shall grab more.

Do you usually drink this much on Christmas Eve?

I'm not drunk.

You're loud.

No, I'm not drunk.

I'm not loud.

I'm American.

I liked you before.

Why change?

I'm going to fuck up either way.

I cook for pub hoppers, most of whom

don't even know there's a second side to the menu.

Ally talks about you lot like you're

the cast of bloody Downton Abbey.

And here I am with a sexy accent and the rest

is rather unremarkable.

I need to be better.

I need to be better than everyone else,

so I can be better for her.

The most American thing you can do

is think of things in terms of better.

Just be who you are.

She doesn't deserve to have to explain me.

Just stop asking questions.

She likes you.

How long until she doesn't?

Until you're married.

I admire you guys so much.

Seriously.

Right.

I mean, you guys are the best.

You legitimately are the best.

What do you mean "you guys?" Absolutely.

Be very--

There wasn't a one that wasn't swinging a baseball bat.

And the problem in high school is, like, I never

made it off the T-ball tryouts.

I think you've been running the wrong bases, son.

Oh. Try it.

All right, yeah.

It's so good.

Oh, OK.

You want one?

Yeah.

I don't--

Juliet, these rolls are hard.

Oh, no, Layla.

So is that still--

What the fuck?

--or sparkling?

Do you need to go or you just--

Nah.

Tell me, you and your dad, you're close, right?

Yeah, like father and son.

It's lovely.

He works out of home, no?

Yeah.

Good.

That means not a lot of time away from the old Hartman house.

Your mom and he close still?

Like each other?

Into each other?

Well, I'm 19.

OK.

They've been together for, like, 30-something years.

So for a while, it was just them and a whole lot

of background noise.

This is good. This is good.

That's great. Thank you, man.

So you're telling me that there's no way in hell

that your dad is fucking my wife.

Whoa!

Christ on a bike, you cunt.

Come on.

Me?

You're right.

I'm sorry, man, that's--

it's just that it's this whole investigation.

I'm just trying to peel one little potato.

And this potato is just like--

I can't peel it, man.

It's frustrating.

I figured you'd get it, you know?

Sure, I'm going to head on back.

I think you should clean yourself.

I have had a lot of wives.

I mean, like, more wives than I've had presidents

that I've lived through.

But I can't even begin to remember

their names, like the wives or the presidents.

Just Layla though, huh?

And the more I keep trying to peel this potato,

it's like the inside has just expired a long time ago.

Ally, can we please talk?

About what?

Everything was just wonderful, Juliet.

You know, my Margaret would be jealous.

Love her to death, but the woman cannot cook.

Thank you, Congressman.

Are you sure you're not in a rush?

Why would I be in a rush

when I'm surrounded by so many beautiful faces?

I would think that sacking the leader

of the free world because of his son's emails

might take some prep time.

If laptop content is game, my Danny is going to take

a trip down to Guantanamo Bay.

I'm going to throw up.

Tell me about it.

We were just doing our job, ma'am.

But if you don't mind, I don't really like to talk

politics at the dinner table.

Oh, god, you can't be serious.

How's it going for you?

You find any Jews?

The whole case was based on an article from the New York Post.

Released right before the election,

featuring a legally blind man as the prime witness.

Yes.

John Grisham would call that lazy.

Did I mention I met John Grisham.

If it's one thing the crook isn't, it's lazy.

He ran the entire anti-West gauntlet for cash with his dad.

More political theater.

It's not political theater.

The presidential family has been in cahoots

with the Russians and the Chinese Communist Party

for years.

Don't forget the Ukrainians too.

Oh, so democracy is just disposable to you?

I'm America first, sweetheart.

OK.

As of 12/24/23, less than 2% of the Pentagon's budget

is spent on Ukraine.

We're not even in the top 10 that we're

giving to defend democracy.

Across the ocean.

Y'all tell me, when did it become a problem to serve

our national interest first?

Nobody, huh?

Well, hold on as I touch on a tangential topics

of standardized fentanyl deaths.

Congressman, this is the United States of America.

If we can't walk and chew gum at the same time,

I mean, maybe we're not who we thought we were.

The situation at our Southern border was a crisis.

Oh, this is getting good.

Those thugs-- Oh my gosh.

--are a virus who want democracy here.

I hope you're keeping score.

Just like the thugs who tried to do the same thing

at the Capitol two years ago?

He sparked passion.

And one glaring negative does not outshine the flame, people.

OK, fires are fires.

Fires are bad.

You know, I actually think Ally brings

up a really good point there.

I mean--

Look, everybody, Little Miss Pinko is out of the closet.

It's a fire.

I mean, unemployment is at a record low.

It's at a record low because your government has

put so much money into circulation

that it can finance a regime overflow on cybertron.

This is unbelievable.

It comes down to one thing--

basic macroeconomics.

Look at the Phillips Curve.

The short run or the long run?

The run of the mill.

God, you used to believe in something.

All of this can be institutionally confronted,

Alexandria, if you--

God, you're such a fucking phony.

Dessert, anyone? Wow.

Yeah.

So bipartisan of you, sis.

Well, this goes way beyond party politics.

Yeah, sure.

No, I could give a shit about what color

your tie is, as long as you're doing the job that the people

voted you in to do.

I tried so hard with you.

I did.

And maybe it's me.

Maybe I'm too naive or idealistic.

But for years, every single day, every meeting with you,

every hand that you shake, god, Congressman,

you are the biggest whore in all of American politics.

That's a little much.

Hold it.

I come to your house on Christmas Eve,

passing out gifts to your repugnant family,

and offer your goddamn job back.

You quit your job?

And this is how you repay me, huh?

You question not only my--

my character but my goddamn manhood?

I will not stand for such blatant disrespect.

You know, it says right here

that a bulk of your donations come

from the National Rifle Association.

And they've actually increased 2.3%

every year after every school shooting

since you swore the oath.

I mean, I can send you guys the link if you want it, but--

Yeah.

Y'all are bunch of crazy people.

America!

I can't believe this.

Ernesto, why would you say that?

Why are you not on my side?

No, you know what happened to me.

You know what happened to me.

-I thought I could get a movie made.

-Even on Christmas, you're that deciding guy.

-He looked like you couldn't fight sleep.

Why?

Why are you doing that, though?

It's just not fair.

Oh beautiful for spacious skies

I told you to stop acting like babies.

For amber waves of grain

Every time, every year, you guys-- hold on.

Are you listening to me at all?

No, you got a lot of nerve. Can you just shut up?

Ally. Just shut up.

I can't wait to see your face next year.

No better present than an "I told you so."

How about you just stop giving gifts, Ernesto?

You suck at it. Ally!

What?

I love you.

I mean, you were the best part of my past.

The only present I want to give you is the future.

That is so gay.

Stop.

No, no, the hell I will.

I love panna cotta.

I did not.

Dude, this looks like an uncircumcised penis.

No, he was not minding his own business.

He is all on all of our business.

All of our business!

There is no original ideas.

Why would you even say that?

I don't name drop.

They are my friends.

Are you kidding me?

Kev is my friend.

I was this close to being in Horizon.

I should go.

You love me.

That's not the point, Adam.

It's the only point, Ally.

Why can't you just accept what happened?

What happened?

Our spark, our moment.

Adam!

I mean, do you even see how I took down your boss too?

God, what else do I need to do?

I mean, please, just tell me.

All I want to do is just--

If you want to talk Palestine, we'll talk Palestine.

The Ravens--

I mean, we kissed.

Oh, that's it, Hartman, you have no boundaries.

I see.

OK, so now you all decide to listen in.

Great.

Fine, we'll talk Palestine.

Christmas Eve football, outside now!

Game on!

Yes!

We're going to get you guys now.

Gene, you're offside. Gene!

Gene, get back. You're offside!

Get back. Gene's offsides.

Gene's offsides.

Yeah, I'd like to see that happen.

I'd like to see that happen.

Holding!

Holding!

Touchdown!

No holding, two feet on the ground, on his football.

What are you doing?

Can we get a timeout?

We go back inside.

The hell you will unless your team captains had enough.

Can't commit to the game, big boy?

Couldn't spot yourself a couple of touchdowns, amigo?

All right.

Let's play.

I need a timeout.

No, we can do it.

Mom, I'm sorry about dinner.

I just really need you--

Oh.

Oh, god.

Merry Christmas, Mom.

Yeah!

This is my scope.

OK.

This is my turf.

You left him wide open.

I thought Ernesto had the ball, right?

Hey, guys, huddle up.

Hey, Adam's team, let's go.

Give me the ball.

Guys, we are getting embarrassed out there.

OK, cover 2 doesn't mean double team.

What? And Gene?

Yeah?

You need to stop talking to the other team,

for Christ's sake.

I mean, what are you even talking about?

You guys are playing like a bunch of Marys.

I mean, the first play, he almost breaks his ankle.

You guys are breathing like you have no lungs.

All right, let's-- Listen.

Let's hear it. We need a new player.

OK. We need a new plan.

All right. We just have to hurt them.

Gina, you need to block.

Ernesto went right past you on that last play.

It's just a game.

I'm sorry, you got to chop block your mom in the knees.

Don't be sorry. Go straight.

Don't be sorry. Go straight for it.

All right. Do it head first.

You're going to run a fake bubble, deep post.

Do you think you can do that there, Slowpoke Rodriguez?

You try wearing these shoes. You--

No mercy.

--I need you to take that boot.

Yeah?

Kick Adam in the nuts as hard as you can.

Yeah, I'll do it. Yeah.

Straight in the nuts.

CJ, stay away from Orson.

The guy's a fucking maniac.

Orson, you're in at quarterback, OK?

All of this testosterone.

You want a shallow torture to the X,

or you want me to Ziggy Stardust?

Oh.

Yeah, I have no fucking clue what any of that means.

Just throw me the ball. All right.

Yeah, that's right.

All right, how do we feel, guys?

Good!

Let's go!

That's right!

Yeah!

Let's go.

I can't feel my toes.

This is the culmination of your training.

Football, the man version, final drive.

You're on Adam.

Destroy him, and you will be my new brother.

For England!

You are going-- you are going to meet your ancestors, Orson.

Prepare to say goodbye, Orson.

Oh, yeah.

You are so going down.

Ready!

Yeah. Hut, hut!

Hut!

No!

Yes!

No!

Wait, where are you going?

You run.

What?

No!

Did you give us the ball back?

Ally, we've been close friends for a long time.

And I mean, I feel more for you than anyone to ever exist.

I know you feel the same.

Yes, us, it was meant to happen.

I love you so much.

Will you marry me?

So that's a no?

Yes.

So it's a yes?

No, Adam.

No, absolutely not.

OK, I get it.

I get it.

It's not a coincidence that during the holiday season too,

we found this again.

I ground you.

You hide me.

I mean, come on, we're Ally and Adam.

Adam and Ally, it's interchangeable.

Adam, tonight, it was a great trip down memory lane.

But that's all it was--

a trip.

So you'll probably become president of the universe.

And I'll still be coming to these parties every year.

You don't realize how special you are.

And I can't wait to see when you find out.

When you start to use "their," I get more excited by it.

But I get it, you're not in love with me.

I mean, I'll kill myself but I'll live.

Adam.

When I kissed you, when I stared at you, and I laughed with you,

and I rolled my eyes at you, and I felt magic with you,

part of me really wanted it to be

now the part that's been lost.

But my heart also has another part, OK?

And, god, I know it might be hard to believe,

but my heart is really big.

And there's nuances.

And-- and there should be rules, and there aren't.

And it's cruel.

And I'm sorry, but I know it's a relief

knowing that I still love you.

It feels right.

And you kissed me first.

You know, moments come and go.

And right now, my--

my dad's moment means banging other lonely suburban singles.

And my moment is absorbed with Abbey Road in the kitchen.

And your moment is out there.

In my opinion, it's just a tap away.

Shaun, what did we miss?

Nothing much, just some fun engagements.

Come on, Layla, I'll spill the tea.

Oh, hey, Juliet.

Jason.

Thank you.

Dinner was amazing.

You really proved the skeptics wrong.

You know, that ham was top-notch Christmas meat.

Thank you so much, Jason.

You know, I didn't think I would be

able to get that much flavor out of the wheat gluten and tofu.

I have plenty of leftovers left.

Wait here.

I'll get you a to-go plate.

Don't go anywhere.

Let's get out of here.

I'll get your coat.

Your gloves are in the left-hand pocket.

Your hands get cold.

Hi.

Hello.

I just wanted to apologize for everything

I put you through tonight.

She's lucky to have you.

You're a good guy, Roman.

Yeah, you too, mate.

Did you have fun?

If you want to go hang out with your friends now, you can.

No, I think it's a little late for that.

Good.

They don't deserve you.

We do.

It doesn't look like it sometimes,

but we all care for you--

everyone, always.

Everybody, wait a second.

Adam, we're going home.

Look, I still have gifts to put under the tree for tomorrow

and to give you a rundown on our marital institutions.

Yeah, get out of my house, you traitor.

I'm done with you, people.

We need to see who wins the raffle.

Adam.

Hold on, just give me a second.

Please.

Olha.

Who's Olha? OK.

Woo!

Olha!

Guys, come on, she won.

Olha, congratulations.

You won the raffle.

She won.

What did she win?

Who gives a shit?

Guys, get excited.

I mean, Olha!

Olha!

Come on.

Olha! Olha!

Olha!

Come on, everybody.

Come on.

We love you, Olha.

I love you all.

Merry Christmas, guys.

What about the presents?

Thank you, Uncle Orson.

All right, they're coming in hot, guys.

Come on. Adam!

Catch them!

Go down and take it.

Thank you.

Oh my god.

Can you chill out for a minute?

Merry Christmas, guys.

I love you all.

Come on, open your presents.

What are you waiting for?

Come on, you show us.

Shaun, we could use you.

Shaun, open it.

Oh!

Look at that.

And it matches your shirt.

Did you plan that? No.

Did you share?

No.

Gene, did you get my gift?

Danny, what'd you get?

Olha deserves them.

Yeah.

Danny, what's his present?

Oh, honey, I love it.

Oh my gosh.

Come here, sweetie.

♪ Hey, Mrs. Claus ♪

♪ This one's for you ♪

♪ Tell me, sweet mama, what you gotta # do ♪

You like it?

♪ Tired up, tanned is just who I am ♪

Oh, absolutely.

Merry Christmas.

♪ Come on, Mrs. Claus, let me be your man ♪

Yes.

Yes, all right.

♪ I could shave and wear a cap on my head ♪

♪ Buy matching robes, all shiny and red ♪

♪ I'm begging you, please ♪

♪ I'll do all that I can ♪

♪ Come on, Mrs. Claus ♪

♪ Let me be your man ♪

Go, America.

Let's read the back. Let's read the back.

Wait, wait, wait. Look.

"The incredible story of one man who, against all odds, fought

the system from the inside."

♪ You've always been the one for me ♪

♪ My beautiful angel on top of the tree ♪

♪ On Christmas Eve, if you're feeling alone ♪

♪ Go right ahead and pick up the phone ♪

♪ Give me a call ♪

I mean, which one of you fucking nimrods

gave me the fucking T-shirts?

♪ Come on, Mrs. Claus, let me be your man ♪

Come on, sweetie.

Ooh, yeah.

Yeah?

I think I know what it is.

Yes! Yes!

Look at that.

Wow.

Perfect, isn't it?

Isn't it perfect? Nice.

Very nice. You got to love this.

OK.

♪ # Chestnuts roasting on an open fire ♪

♪ Jack Frost nipping at your nose ♪

♪ Yuletide carols being sung by a choir ♪

Danny, save it for the rally, OK, sweetheart?

Oh, Jesus.

It'll be much better there.

He's going to be performing at the women's rights rally,

which is going to be the day after tomorrow,

so right after Christmas, between

Christmas and New Year's.

We hope you guys come.

Come on, come on out for women's rights.

I will not be there,

Come on, we got to stand up for women's rights, OK?

Merry Christmas.

Thanks.

Two tickets to Hawaii, just like you wanted,

which you don't like.

Yeah, so I know that I really haven't paid

any attention to you tonight.

And I can't remember the last time that I

paid proper attention to you.

OK, I know that.

But I also know that you're my world, and I love you.

And I cannot live without you.

And I want to make this work, OK?

I love you.

I love you.

Really? You do?

Always.

I just needed to hear from you.

I'm sorry I didn't say it.

I should have.

But I--

It's fine.

We're good.

I've been sleeping with Juliet.

Look, I love you.

I cannot live without you.

But if we are going to live together,

I just have to accept you're not a very funny person at all.

And you're going to have to leave the comedy to me.

Merry Christmas, baby.

Let's go to Hawaii, huh?

He's an asshole.

No, he's actually very sweet.

He cries every time I threaten to leave.

I think you can give it, like,

just give it a little bit more.

You can do more. OK.

Yeah, come on. All right.

Come on. More what?

Just more. OK.

Yeah. You're upset.

You're upset. OK.

Go.

"It's my grandson's 14th birthday.

Ms. Dombrowski wouldn't give me the day off."

Yes! Just like that?

Yes!

That was really good.

Oh, thanks, Ally. You got this.

Oh, thank you.

You know, there's more presents in the garage.

Look, I'm sorry if I came across a little rough.

How dare you apologize?

What a nerd.

Don't touch me.

[BEN SHARKEY & ZIV MORAN, "CHRISTMAS

SPELLS"] # Christmas bells cast a spell on the world ♪

♪ Bringing you home to me from across the sea ♪

Great seeing you again.

You too.

I'm glad you made it.

I know.

Me too.

Come here.

♪ Whenever I hear Christmas bells chimed in my ear ♪

Hey, you ready?

Yeah, one second.

Hey, Merry Christmas.

Merry Christmas.

Absolutely.

Wonderful.

Merry Christmas.

Nicest memories.

Thank you.

How about the mess in that house?

Come on.

Pay-per-view starts in 20 minutes.

Christ! Thank you.

Best Christmas ever. Thanks.

I mean that.

Hey, Juliet, I can never repay you.

You saved my marriage.

Thank you.

You have a gift somewhere.

Come on, honey.

Why wait?

Thank you.

Absolutely lovely.

Good luck. Kisses.

Thank you.

You got me.

Yes.

Come in.

I told you it wasn't going to work out.

No, you didn't.

Yes.

I love you.

I love you too, Shaun.

All right.

See you soon, all right?

Yep.

♪ When a snowflake falls ♪

♪ When a bluebird calls on Christmas ♪

♪ Love songs that we heard ♪

♪ All just seem absurd on Christmas ♪

♪ When you hold me tight ♪

♪ In the shimmering light of Christmas ♪

♪ ♪

♪ When a fire lights up a starry night on Christmas ♪

♪ Promises we made all just seems to fade on Christmas ♪

♪ When you kiss me slow under the mistletoe on Christmas ♪

♪ On Christmas ♪

♪ You don't have to buy me flowers ♪

♪ I don't need no shiny jewels ♪

♪ Only one thing on my wish list ♪

♪ And baby, it is you ♪

♪ I don't want a little puppy ♪

♪ I don't need no fancy cars ♪

♪ Promise me one small thing ♪

♪ You will be my Christmas star ♪

♪ Every year on this day ♪

♪ I feel so alone ♪

♪ This time I've got you, babe ♪

♪ I don't mind the cold ♪

♪ You don't have to leave me boxes ♪

♪ Underneath that evergreen ♪

♪ Wrap yourself with bows and ribbons ♪

♪ That's the best gift for me ♪

♪ Every year on this day ♪

♪ I feel so alone ♪

♪ This time I've got you, babe ♪

♪ I don't mind the cold ♪

♪ You don't have to bring me flowers ♪

♪ I don't want no shiny jewels ♪

♪ Only one thing on my wish list ♪

♪ And baby, it is you ♪

♪ Promise me one small thing ♪

♪ You will be my Christmas star ♪

♪ Yeah ♪