Original subtitles

Si può, si può,

signore,

signori,

scusatemi se dosso il mio...

part of all the

If I took some lessons, I soon would be ready to sing Pagliacci

like Tibet or

Nelsonetti.

Don't take me seriously, for life is just a song.

version of Pagliacci. Yeah, man.

D.C.

This is Radio Surveys, Incorporated.

We're making a radio survey of the Jerry Wade Hour. Do you listen to the sunshine

so far with Jerry Wade?

This is Radio Surveys, Incorporated.

This

report

speaks for itself. In six months, our rating has dropped from 71% to 32 and a

half. You're slipping, Jerry.

I'm not the one that's slipping. It's Swing. You even get it nowadays at

Carnegie Hall.

Well, it's your program. If they don't like Swing, find something else.

Yeah, but what?

That's your headache.

All I want to see is these figures going up again. Isn't that right, J.B.? That's

what I'm paying for. We might try an old-fashioned waltz program, but that

would be too slow for soap.

Yeah, we need something that'll get them in the lava.

Gus, why don't you go out and get some air?

You know something?

What? I still like Swing.

I sure do.

Yes, but this report shows that people who like swing don't use soap.

Then I got the answer. A hillbilly program.

Hillbillies have been class A for years.

I don't know. I used to sing Swanee River when I was a kid. And I still do.

In a bathtub with soap.

Quiet.

You know, I think Gus has hit on something. Not Jerry, you... Listen,

what killed the hillbilly craze before?

Hillbillies from Brooklyn. They were all phonies. I ought to know. I was one

myself. Listen, Jerry, you can't... You give them the real thing and they'll

love it. Look at Bob Burns, one of the greatest personalities on the air. And

why? Because he's genuine.

That's fine to talk about, but where are you going to get them? Where do real

hillbillies come from? From the hills, I suppose.

You know, that might be a novelty at that.

It's a new angle, and that's what we've got to have.

Gus and I will go down the hillbilly country and dig up the real McCoy. I

think it'll be great.

It better be.

Yes? Those people are still waiting for the audition, Mr. Hilton.

I'll take care of them.

Get rid of those people outside, Gus. What'll I tell them? Tell them we're

going to use a different type of program from now on. Okay. And tell them to use

sunshine soap.

I'm very sorry, Pulse, but the auditions have been called off.

But I've been waiting for hours.

You mustn't... It can't be helped. You see, it's like this.

We've decided that we've got to have... The rent.

I've got to have the rent.

I expect to get... I don't want any more hard luck stories.

I'm not running a charity ward.

This may look like it, but it isn't. I've been doing my best. That's what

they all say.

But believe me, I'm going... Yes?

Oh, so they're in the hospital.

An automobile accident.

Well, keep them there.

And don't forget to make them pay their bill in advance.

The idea.

asking me to pay their bill. They can stew in the hospital for all that I

care. Who?

Those three idiots that call themselves actors.

Oh, this is terrible.

And they've been trying so hard.

Why, only yesterday we went to the booking office together.

Oh, those poor boys. Poor boys, my eye.

They'll never get any booking, and I'll never get my back rent. And as for you,

you better start worrying about yourself instead of those good-for-nothings. Why,

you should waste your time mothering every Tom, Dick, and Harry is beyond me.

The saw, Watson, the saw.

What is it this time, boys?

Bring us some pills, a deck of cards, and a lawyer.

The pills are on their way down, the lawyer's on his way up, and you can't

have any cards.

But we want to play poker.

Now, boys, you mustn't get excited. It'll raise your temperature.

No cards.

I'll go get your pill.

How do you like a dame like that? No poker. No poker.

Say, fellas, I've got an idea.

What? Let's play with the hospital charts.

I've got 52.

Sure, there's plenty of them. Come on, let's go.

Get out and pull up a chair. Pull up a chair.

Yes, sir.

I'll cut.

It's all right.

What do we bet? The limit. What's the limit? Two cents.

But I ain't got two cents.

Then we'll make mental bets.

Don't flatter yourselves.

What do you do?

I bet two cents.

I see it.

I don't see it.

I raise.

I call.

I call.

I raise.

How many?

Give me one.

I need a running temperature in order to fill an inside neighbor's breakdown.

Give me three. If I buy measles, I'm okay.

I'll take five.

That's illegal. You can't take five.

Well, that's what it says on the cards. Take five daily.

Well, what have you got?

Well, Fonz, I guess the dough's mine. I've got a pair of gold stones.

Wait a minute. A full house.

The theory isn't mumps. Mumps hide.

Wait a minute, boys. I've got you all beat.

I've got five of a kind.

What do you mean, five of a kind?

Quintuplets.

Quintuplets.

Hello, boys.

Oh, I'm so sorry you've been heard. What happened?

What happened? What happened? I never walk again. Look.

We're in agony.

A hubcap, right?

You stay right here in the hospital till you get well.

When will our lawyer get here? When we get through suing the guy that hit us,

boy, we'll have plenty of dough.

Here they are, sir. Your attorney is here to see you.

Hello, Charlie.

What did you settle for, $10,000?

Don't settle for less than $20,000. Make it $25,000.

What do you mean, settle?

The guy that hit you hasn't got a job, not a dime in the bank, he's on relief,

and what's more, he's not even insured.

Well, what are we doing here?

Oh,

go on, what else happened?

Oh, nothing else. Instead of landing a job, we landed in the hospital.

It's a shame that fine entertainers like you can't get work. Oh, thank you, thank

you. What burned me up is that with all the talent there is in New York, they go

a thousand miles away to get more.

What do you mean?

Well, I went up to that radio audition today, and what do you think happened?

They dismissed us without even a hearing.

And why?

Because they're dissatisfied with local talent.

Local talent.

I came all the way from Kentucky to get a job.

And here they are sending a scout to Kentucky to look for talent.

I'd probably stand a better chance of getting an audition in my own hometown.

You mean you all is from Kentucky?

Well, I sure enough is.

Well, if I ain't a giddy-giddy. Well, patch for riches.

Patch my mouth, it's out from Kentucky.

I sure am.

Right from Hogback County, the foot of the Blue Ridge country. Well, don't go

butting my lip.

Butting mine, too, sir.

Probably the first place they look.

But they won't find any hillbillies there.

Why not?

Not the kind they could use on a program.

Well, they might find somebody that can play a banjo or possibly a harmonica,

but not real talent.

Here we are riding a crosstown car in New York.

So they're sending a scout to Kentucky, eh?

To look for talent.

And there isn't any there.

Are you thinking what I'm thinking?

You know, it'd be a shame that they went down in Kentucky and didn't find any

talent. Catch on? Yeah. But it's too absurd.

It wouldn't work.

What have we got to lose?

It's too fantastic.

Where's your imagination?

We're better hillbillies than real hillbillies.

But

we

haven't any money. How could we get there?

Where'd you get the money to pay our hospital bill? I made a little loan from

Beth Watson.

You mean that tightwad was good for a touch?

Picture that.

I picture him being retouched.

Retouched. Retouched.

Aren't you coming in?

No, I don't think we live here anymore.

Oh, come on. She may be asleep.

No, we'll go in the usual way. Yeah, come on. Let's go.

Caroline, it's that Swanson.

May I come in?

Thank you. Why, yes. Do come in.

And, uh...

How is your dear old auntie? My auntie? You know, the one you needed the money

for. Oh, that auntie. Oh, she's feeling much better. Oh, that's fine.

You know, you look ravishing, my dear.

Ravishing. Oh, the door.

I hate drafts, my dear.

I seem to catch cold so easily.

But, Mr. Swanson, I don't think... Alone at last.

I've been waiting for this moment for a long, long time, my dear. You know...

You've got the peachiest complexion.

What was that?

Oh, just a friend of mine from out of town.

Well, I'm glad he's gone.

About my aunt, there's one other thing.

Yeah? She's got to have some teeth pulled.

That's all right. How much is it?

$25? Well, not exactly. You see, it's a lot of teeth.

Well, we can talk about that later.

You know, you've got the cutest little nose.

What is this? The Grand Central Station?

Just another friend.

You ought to have this place fumigated.

You know, Caroline, I've been wanting to know you better for a long time.

Why? Why do you... Always avoid me. Well, we were talking about my aunt, you

know. It'll take more than $25, you know.

She'll need false teeth, too.

How much?

About $200.

$200?

That's a mere bagatelle.

Why, it's nothing at all, my dear.

Here you are.

Oh, thank you. You're a darling. I could kiss you for that.

Well, why don't you? Well, now close your eyes.

Now pucker up.

Are you ready?

Let her flicker.

There she is up there, the old slack place.

It's a little run down, isn't it?

It ain't been lived in for 20 years.

What happened to the slacks?

Hatfield's wiped them out.

What?

Good solid construction.

This house looks like a fugitive from Esquire. I wonder what the back looks

like.

Just like home. This is what you asked for.

Don't mind him. He's not used to luxury.

Say, driver, where can we get some groceries?

In town.

I know you boys are starved. I'll go back to the village and get some food.

You go ahead and clean the place up. Come on, driver.

Clean the place up?

Flynn?

Hey,

hey, over here.

I found out about Jerry Wade and his talent scout.

They've been down in Louisville. They'll be here tomorrow.

I know, but in the meantime, we're hungry. Yeah.

Boys, this is the life. Peace and quiet. The birds and the flowers. In the Blue

Ridge Mountains of New Jersey.

Virginia. In the Blue Ridge Mountains of Virginia.

Kentucky.

In the Blue Ridge Mountains of New Jersey, Virginia, Kentucky.

Reach

for the

sky, you varmints. One more budge out in, I blow you out from under your

thatch pieces.

Gonna shoot them, Pa, that look like revenours to me.

Wait a minute, we aren't revenours. Can't you see what we are?

We're hillbillies.

What in tarnation's a hillbilly?

They're lying, Pa.

Now look here, bro. Take it easy, son.

Maybe they ain't revenours.

Slacks, that's what they are, Pa.

Some of them new slacks from down Skunk River Way.

If they're slacks, I'm going to shoot them myself. Son, you've been a hog all

your life. If you shoot even one of them, I'm going to pat you.

If they is slacks, I'm going to shoot them.

Look, Pa, they got the slack known.

Well, frizzle my carcass if they ain't.

Let me shoot their noses off, Pa.

Wait a minute, Pa.

Save this one on the end for me.

Why, he's as pretty as a striped snake.

And the slacks.

Well, I'm careless of me forgetting today was feuding day.

It's either them or us, stranger.

The Hatfields and the slacks been feuding nigh on 80 years.

And they got us outnumbered 10 to 4.

Nine to four.

Say, Paul, what do you want for supper? Fried chicken or pork chops?

Both.

Hey, Paul, you were right. Today ain't our day for feuding with the Slacks.

They made a mistake.

What day is this?

Who's day?

There you are.

It's all mixed up.

Hey, you, Tom Slack.

Yep. What is it?

Concern you?

Today ain't Feudin' Day, it's Tuesday.

Doggone, I thought it was Sunday.

Gosh almighty, Hank, my mistake.

I think that Tom Slack keeps his mind on things.

Can I shoot them now, Paul? We don't need them anymore.

Make Reese let them alone, Paul.

They're nice.

Especially the one in the middle.

So this is Comer, eh? Yeah.

Well, they sure gave it the right name. A little different in Louisville, huh?

What's that?

That's the county coat house. I reckon the jury disagreed again.

Come on.

This is Mr. Wade. You get our wire?

You mean for the reservations?

Yeah. I'd like a room and a bath.

Sure thing, mister.

Bathroom's to the other end of the hall.

But you don't understand.

I've got to have a room with a private bath.

I'm Jerry Wade from New York.

Oh, from New York, huh?

Well, in that case, you'll have to pay in advance.

Hi, stranger.

Are you the Jerry Wade from up north, the radio fellow?

That's right.

Yeah, you come down here looking for talent, ain't you? Yeah, how'd you know?

Well, I got a cousin in the city. She written told me about it. Well, uh...

That's nice. Now, wait a minute, strangers. Wait a minute. Might be able

to help you out.

I've been around these parts for a number of years and know most of the

folks.

Say, there's three mighty clever fellows up here away.

Might be just the thing you're looking for.

They got a sister, too. Sings just like a mockingbird. Well, it's nice of you to

take an interest. I'll look them up.

It's okay, partner. Just a southern hospitality.

Thanks. Come on, Gus.

Adios, amigos.

23 skidoo, skibibble, hey, okay, chicken inspector.

Where are they, ma'am? There they are. Look, I'll be at the well.

Come on, let's go. Come on.

Uncle Reuben was our uncle. Went to the city to have his sling.

He came back and then by cracking, told us how to do the swing.

Reuben, Reuben, Reuben.

ever since you taught us how we can do the big red apple from

Georgia. Reuben, Reuben, we've been swinging even while we milk the cow.

And by heck, we're peck, peck, pecking while we push the plow.

The old gray mare we used for trucking is trucking now, but in a different way.

Now she's a-doing, soon's a-queuing.

Can't even hitch her to the one horse.

Rubin, Rubin, here comes Dobby.

Tell the neighbors all about it.

You may think you're Hamlet, but you're just a hare.

Quack, quack, said the goosey to the gander. Quack, quack, said the gander to

the goose. Quack.

propaganda for a

You're the farmer in the...

Hey, fellas.

Hot pills!

Race for the sky, you varmints!

One bud and I'll blow you out from under your... Under your, uh... Fetch pieces.

Yeah, fetch pieces. Now, just a minute. You're making a mistake.

Look like revenours to me. Let's shoot him. We're not revenours. We're from New

York. New York?

Yeah, from up north.

Up north?

Union spies!

We're friends, honest.

Let me shoot their noses off, Paul.

Wait a minute, son.

Look here, state your business, stranger.

What you come prowling around here for?

Huh? What?

I'm Cherry Wade. I run a radio program in New York.

Radio?

What's that?

Is that the thing where they electrocute your voice and sling it all over

creation? That's right, and I'd like to put you in it. Does it hurt?

Hurt? Yeah, hurt!

Your sister?

She sure is, stranger.

Say, she's all right.

He's got just what we're looking for, a natural voice.

Say, brother, you ought to hear her do Hold That Tiger.

That's an old mountain song.

Oh, I thought you said Hold That Tiger.

What's that?

Just an old city song.

City song.

Caroline, I want you all to meet Mr.

Wade from up north.

I heard you sing, ma'am, and you're terrific.

That's mighty nice of you, sir.

Here's my card.

Thank you, sir, but we don't want any soap.

No, no, no. I want you to sing on my program, on the radio.

That thing where they electrocate your voice and sling it home? Oh, the

creation?

Yeah, creation.

And it doesn't hurt.

I can't do nothing without my brothers.

Well, we're going to use them, too.

You're all fine.

First really good entertainers we've found.

How would you like to come to New York?

Well, I reckon you'll have to talk to my brothers about that.

New York?

Say, that's where you'll pass coma, ain't it? That's right. Reckon we'll

need some money to do that.

Now, don't you worry about money. We'll pay all expenses.

As evidence of our good faith, here's a little something in advance.

A C-note.

I'm certainly glad I found you. I mean your voice. It's startling. You know,

it's remarkable that you've never done any studying.

Oh, I went through the third grade.

But when Ma died, I had to quit so I could cook for my brothers.

Caroline is the best comedy great cooker in Hogback County.

Yes, siree.

Well, I must be going.

I'll be in touch with you boys in a day or two and let you know all about our

plans. I'm mighty glad to have met you. So long, boys.

Bye. Keep it a do. Keep it a do.

And listen, fellas.

If anybody else comes around here, don't sign anything.

Don't worry. We can't write.

You were thrilled, kid. We put that over. Aren't you glad you joined us?

This is going to be awfully hard to keep up. Why, it's in the bag.

Sure. What about when we get to New York?

Oh, don't worry about New York.

You know, I think he's awfully nice.

He's much better looking than his pictures.

Boy, he's handsome.

If he could only cook.

I have some news for you.

You won't have to go to New York after all. No?

No. Putting the broadcast on from down here.

I'm glad to hear that.

I was kind of scared about going to New York.

I talked to the sponsors last night. We decided it would be a great stunt to put

the show on from here. Can you do that?

Sure. About how many folks will be a hand this thing?

About 20 million.

20 million?

Gosh, I bet that's more than you make in a week.

You're delightful.

Very nice, too.

You'll have to speak to my brothers if you're going to talk to me like that.

I think I'll have to.

I got a jack.

A five.

You got a three?

Yeah. Play it.

That's right. Three, and two is five.

And five from the table is ten, and I take it in with my good ten, and I win.

I had those cards of four, and I didn't win.

Well, that's because you don't know the rules. That's right.

Why ain't you never been married? Because I got a f-f-f-flections.

What's them?

I f-f-feel them g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g

-g-g

-

I don't think I've told you, but Gus has located a class of schoolgirls that'll

make a fine harmony background for your number. We're going to have a great

show.

This broadcast means a lot to you, doesn't it? You bet it does.

You know, you don't know about these things, but my radio rating has gone

down. The sponsors, those are the people who pay for my broadcast, are

complaining. See, my fan mail has dropped, and I'm liable to lose my job.

That's why I've come down here and gone to all this trouble.

I'm counting on this show to put me back on top with a bang. I see.

But now that I've got you and your brothers, my troubles are over.

Stop it!

Sugar sure pepped him up. I wonder how he knew I had a three.

What about the Hatfields? They've never seen us with beards. Pretend we're

slacks. We've got to take a chance.

Sure. Come on.

What happened to them other fellas?

Never mind them. We're just lads from down Cold Valley way. Who be you?

We're the Morgan boys.

There's a lie in happiness is what they are.

Hey, fellas, what's all the excitement?

It's them Hatfields from across the creek. Today is Thursday, Feud Day.

Ah, Feud Day.

Yeah. We all have our little feuds around here.

Well, Mr. Wade has some good news for us. We won't have to go to New York.

No? No, we've decided to put the broadcast on from down here. They're

giving it a big publicity campaign up north. Ought to be a great night for all

of us. Just a moment, son.

Do we get another $100?

Well... Yes.

They raise you boys pretty sharp in these hills. Dang right, son.

Well, see you all at Matt Stubblefield's barn Friday night.

Don't forget.

Yeah, we'll be there. Tippity-rip, tippity-rip.

Oh, uh, by the way, your sister tells me that I've got to speak to you boys

before, uh, before I can tell her how nice she really is. Says I've got to get

your permission.

You mean you want to come a-sparkin'? Well, uh, not exactly. I mean, yes.

Well, I've got to think about that.

In just a moment.

I reckon that'll be all right for none of them city tricks. Don't you worry

about that.

Well, so long. So long.

Bye.

Should have asked that guy for another $100.

Poor fellow.

He's in almost as tough a spot as we are.

If this program isn't a big success, he'll lose his sponsors. And you know

what that means.

Wait a minute. You're not going to throw us down now, are you? A month ago, we

begged for an addition. Here we are getting paid for one. All we need is one

little broadcast and we're in. Oh, I know. We've got to go through with it.

But it's too bad he had to be such a swell fellow.

Eventually, they'll find out about us. And when they do, it'll make him such a

fool. Well, it's either him or us. Yeah.

It's an entertainment.

Shall we go in? How much does it cost?

Nothing. It's sponsored by Sunshine Soap. All right, but that don't mean we

have to use it, does it?

We're ready to go on the air and you open the show. Get everything set.

Yeah, ma'am.

Yeah, ma'am. Thanks a lot.

All right, Harry. The pickup's all set, Mr. Hilton.

Fine.

Only 20 seconds more, J.B.

This shindig's very...

This is the Sunshine Hour again with Jerry Wade and his musical, Melange.

Brought to you every Friday night by the makers of Sunshine Soap. And now, here

he comes, your own Jerry Wade.

Hey, lad, what's that thing say?

Greetings, everybody.

This is Jerry Wade speaking.

We're broadcasting tonight by shortwave from an old barn in the heart of the

Cumberland Mountains of Kentucky.

Our shortwave transmitter is wafting the program over the mountains to Louisville

from where it is being rebroadcast to you. This is one of the most interesting

and novel programs... Blast that radio.

Pardon me. I'm sorry.

I'm such a tiny person.

Tonight, for the first time on radio, you will hear authentic mountain music.

Not by imitation Broadway performers, but by the real natives of these

charming and picturesque hills.

And now to open our show, we want to present three genuine hillbillies with a

style all their own. And we know you'll like them.

I guess the boys aren't quite ready yet. So instead, we'll do a little number in

the current mood.

Moonshine Over Kentucky, sung by yours truly.

Kentucky, I'm mighty lucky to be in Kentucky.

Moonshine over Kentucky will soon shine over my door.

I want to hear this program.

Find out what that racket is.

You have missed a paradise on earth.

Moonshine over Kentucky will soon shine over my door.

High on a hill, high on a hill my cabin will...

Don't get excited, fellas. Hold your breath and I'll get you a glass of

water.

It's electrical disturbances from those hills, Mr. Hilton. Oh, can't you do

something? Oh, it comes and it goes. It's like picking up a broadcast from

England. Oh.

Let's throw him under the bench, Pa.

If he snores, Rip, hit him with this.

He's still there.

change in our program and we present Miss Caroline Slack, a new and

refreshing personality accompanied by the Sunshine Girls in Sing the Song of

Harvest.

Due to circumstances beyond our control, the broadcast from Kentucky has been

canceled. For the rest of this period, you will be entertained by the Sterling

String Ensemble.

Let her

go!

And now we present those mountain maniacs, the Slack Brothers, Hank, Reef,

and Al.

is about every spring

Good to bella, bella, bella, bella, bella, bella, lonesome and blue. Oh,

bella, my dreams are gently swaying. My dear Kentucky, how much we love you.

Yeah, moonlight is softly gleaming. My heart is dreaming of you.

across the street is it to lay an egg no is it to lay a bet no no is it to be the

rooster's bride no no no but you're getting hot then why does a chicken

cross the street to get to the other side some

joke we said some joke i'll say some

It all happened in an hour of play.

I can see it as plainly as if it happened today.

She was taking a vocal lesson, and she struck a neigh.

It was Kentucky Kitty Kelly, and I feel just like a wretch.

She broke clean at the barrier, but died right in the stretch.

So boys, bow thy heads to Kitty Kelly and

let us sing. Let us sing. Let us sing. Let us sing.

Let us sing a song of our Kentucky home.

Beanie, beanie, beanie, tootsie, bella, bella, bella, bella, waiting for you.

How we miss our grits and gravy. Della, della, della, with the beanie, beanie,

beanie, beanie. Slow, dumb, and blue.

Join the world and see the Navy.

In Kentucky.

In the moonlight.

In the cornfield.

In Manhattan.

In the Southwest.

In the meantime.

My Dixie baby.

I'm sorry, J.B., but this broadcast from Kentucky was all Jerry's idea.

Miss Collins, get Wade on the phone at Coleman, Kentucky.

Yes, sir. Jerry Wade.

I... I could murder him.

But I've told you 18 times it just couldn't be helped. How was I to know?

All I know is you've made Sunshine Soap the laughing stock of the nation.

If you'll just let me bring the show to New York, I promise you everything will

be okay.

Can't you see it's the only way we can square ourselves with the public? I tell

you, it was one of the finest broadcasts I've ever heard.

What about it, J.B.? Shall we let him bring the show into New York? No. I

think he's right, J.B. It's our only chance to redeem ourselves. After all,

we're in a just as deep as he is.

Tell him to speak louder. We can't hear.

Spread out, fellas, will you?

Get back.

Well, all right.

But you tell him for me. If that program isn't good, I'll chase him back to those

hills.

Now listen, Jerry, get this and get this straight.

That's great, and I want to put the show on the air the day we get off the train.

Get a special spot, Monday night.

Okay, we'll be there.

Well, boys, it's all set. You're going to the big city after all.

That's fine.

All is wanted to see, New York. Do we get another hundred dollars?

Take care of them, Gus.

You don't care what you do with my money.

Well, young lady, it's all fixed.

New York awaits you.

That's fine, but I'm not going.

Oh, it's all right. Your brothers are going, too. They've okayed it.

And believe me, I'm happy about it.

Well, I don't feel like going.

Oh, don't be like that.

I've made up my mind.

Look, Caroline, I'd like to talk to you.

Alone. Go right ahead, young fella.

Oh, we're just warning her. No hand holding.

No hand holding.

Just give me one good reason why you can't go.

I just don't want to. I need you, Caroline.

You can help me a lot.

You still haven't given me one good reason.

Somebody's got to stay and look after the house.

Oh, that?

It'll be all right.

I haven't a thing to wear.

Where have I heard that before?

Oh, come on, Caroline. Why can't you go?

I reckon it's none of your business.

They're pretty stubborn in Kentucky, don't they?

Maybe they do.

Well, if we're gonna throw stones all night, let's put a bet on it. All right.

If you hit that log, I'll pay you a dollar.

If I hit it, you pay me a kiss.

What do you say?

All right.

Guess I'm safe enough.

Dollar for you.

Kiss for me.

Do I get paid?

Well, I guess I've got to. A bargain's a bargain in Kentucky.

Oh, boy, I sure do approve of Kentucky.

Let's play again. Same stakes.

All right.

You could never hit it again.

Not this moonrise.

Oh, no?

Oh, you didn't figure on the wind.

Reckon I didn't.

Well, you owe me another one.

But let's make another bet.

If I hit it again, you'll come to New York, huh?

You don't need to hit it again.

I guess I couldn't help but go.

Now.

What's your name, pal?

My name's Hank, but I can't help it. What's yours?

I'm Reed.

I'm Elf. Well, how do you like the big city?

Can't say yet, but I come prepared.

What you carrying your gun for, Reed?

Gentlemen, I might need a hat for you. You can't get it away from him, fellas.

He wears it just like his pants. How about some pictures, I guess?

Okay, come on. Do we get paid for them?

Yes, you get paid for them. Fetch it to me, gussy boy.

Hold it, Pete.

That's fine.

How does it feel to wear shoes?

Have you ever been a child bride?

Now, take it easy, boys. She's not used to this.

It's all right, dear. They don't mean any harm.

You boys are free to quote Miss Slack as saying that New York is a great place

for a visit, but she'd hate to live in it. Come on now, Jerry. And you can

quote me as saying she's got one of the greatest natural singing voices I've

ever heard. She's going to be a new feature in my program.

Which program?

Radio or recreational?

Cute kid.

Always clowning.

All right, boys. Hold it just like that.

That's it.

Let's have one with the guns, Gus.

Okay, hold your gun up, Hank. What'll I aim at? Aim at that clock down there.

That big round thing.

Hold it.

What happened, Gus?

Hank shot the hands off the clock.

Oh, what'd you do that for, Hank?

Weren't the right time anyway.

The finest hotel in New York.

Come on, boys.

I sure like this grass. It tickles my feet.

That ain't grass.

Then what is it? I don't know, but it ain't grass.

How'd you know?

Because I just ate some.

Wait a minute.

Was it the last cocktail or do you see what I see?

Howdy. How's crops?

Must be a farmer.

Yeah.

Come on, Caroline.

All right, fellas, let's go.

Can I take your bank?

Hey!

Come on.

All right, fellas, let's go.

Come on, boys, it won't hurt you.

Gus,

your rooms are down the hall with the boys. The broadcast starts in two hours.

Get them cleaned up.

Two hours? That'll take me two weeks!

Come on, kiddies. What do you mean, kiddies?

Here we are.

How do you like it?

Oh, beautiful.

Your brothers have it sweet just like this. Gus will see that they're

comfortable. Jerry, they're good boys, no matter what they do.

Look.

Everything all right, Mr. Wade? Yes, thank you.

Well, here it is. New York.

Right at your feet where it belongs.

I don't like it, Jerry.

it frightens me oh everybody feels that way the first time but you'll get used

to it i'm worried jerry what if things don't work out like you planned the

broadcast tonight will click like a million then we'll be riding on high

sitting on top of the world up on the 120th floor you and i both but you don't

really need me do you jerry i mean don't you worry about how they're like new

york will look you're sweet natural and unspoiled you're different you're not

like any of these These others... I'm not different, Jerry. You are, but you

wouldn't know that. You haven't seen them as I've seen them.

Who? What do you mean?

The people you meet around here. When you're in my position, I mean who'll do

anything just to get on the air. They're ambitious and hard and lie and trick and

deceive in every way they can when the town's full of them.

That's what makes you so refreshing.

Jerry, there's something you've got to know.

We... I know exactly what you're going to say. That you don't belong here and

that you're sorry you came.

But you do belong here, and you've been sorry too much. You've got to cheer up.

Come on.

Smile for Jerry.

Smile.

That's it. Now smile for all those nice people out there who are going to love

you and buy lots of sunshine and soap.

That's better. Now no more of this sad stuff.

You go and get dressed and be ready in an hour. This is going to be the

greatest night in your life.

Smile.

Now hold it.

Everything all right, Mr. Wade?

Terrific.

Nice tip, eh?

Come in.

Oh, hello, Caroline.

Black, I believe it is.

Hello. I hope I'm not intruding.

Oh, no, no, not at all. Just dropped in to see about your aunt.

She has some teeth of mine.

$250 worth.

Oh, that?

Well, you'll get it back.

When? Well, I haven't got it all, but I can give you some of it now.

Here's $150.

I'll send you the rest just as soon as I can.

Please, you won't say anything about this, will you? Who, me?

Say anything?

What do you think I am, a heel?

You see...

It might hurt somebody.

Your secret is safe with Spat Swanson, my little turtle dove.

Oh, by the way, those three fellows that were with you, they wouldn't be those

three idiots from the boarding house.

Oh, no, no. They're real hillbillies.

That's what I thought.

Well, I'll be in touch with you.

I'll see you around.

Ta-ta.

You ain't going to get me about.

It ain't healthy.

Now, sir, it's doggone dangerous.

Now, fellas, I tell you, it's perfectly safe. That's just what killed Uncle

Terwilliger. He fell into a creek full of water and he died, didn't he?

Hmm?

I tell you, it's all right. Now, Hank, you're the brave one, so you'll be fine.

I ain't a goner. Okay.

The last one in is a darn skunk.

Fellas, look, I'm going to run some water in the tub, see?

And if you ain't ready, then I'm going to come back and saw you. Now, come on!

Who is that?

It's the belt boy.

Come in.

Oh, I beg your pardon.

But I was looking for three vaudeville actors who used to live down on 54th

Street. Vaudeville actors?

54th Street? Ain't never hear tell of him. Oh, move on outside.

Move on. Come out from behind those bushes, boys. I know you.

Bushes? Why, the man's pinched in the head.

Get along, get along.

All right, boys.

If you want to be difficult, the newspapers will love this.

Wait a minute.

Wait a minute. Now, don't go away.

Hello,

clerk? Send me up 14 towels.

I said 14.

And six bars of soap.

Sunshine soap.

Well, how about it, boys?

Now, how much will this cost? Well, you see, I've got an answer. I know, and she

needs some tea.

That's right.

About $300 worth. It's a deal.

Thank you, boys.

And good luck.

Now, remember, not a word of this to anybody.

No, sir.

Not a word to anybody but the reporters.

What? Wait a minute, you rat. You chiseler. Let's have that money back.

Get it out.

So you're gonna get tough, eh?

Come on. I'll take you all on at once. Well, you asked for it, brother.

Wait a minute. He's mine.

Come on. I hate to do this, sonny.

Come on. Come on. Who's next?

Come on. You can't do that.

Come on. Come on.

I thought so.

Whoa!

What's the matter, Hank?

I'm powerful grateful, Gus. You saved my life. What's the matter? So, now wait a

minute, Gus. We can explain everything. Explain nothing, you fakes.

Don't go away. We'll be right back.

There, take it.

Let's go down and see Caroline.

Try the door.

I can't understand.

Why should she run away?

She hasn't done anything wrong.

All right, boys.

What is this?

Well, we heard that you were looking for real hillbillies, so we went down to

Kentucky to show you how real we could be.

What are you standing here for?

You mean that you fellas and Caroline aren't really from Kentucky?

You're darn tootin'. No, we're not!

Chicago? I'll try the Grand Central Station.

Hey, wait a minute.

Why don't we tell them the program that goes on in five minutes?

I don't know.

They'll fix it. I mean, you fellas do something, anything. I'll be back. I've

got to take care of things.

You mean a whole program?

It's all ours.

Oh,

boy. Let's go. Let's go.

Hurry,

J.B. We've only got a minute. We'll make it. J.B.! J.B.!

Why, Gus, what's the idea?

The slacks, they ain't slacks.

How's that?

That pony's from Brooklyn. I found out. They locked me in a bathroom.

Jerry, wait. I'll kill him. Come on. We've no time to lose. Oh, my Lance.

Let's go to town now.

So we say, soothe your skin with sunshine soap.

And now we give you that ever popular radio favorite, Jerry Wade.

Ladies and gentlemen, we give you now, Jerry Wade.

I'll have them shot for this!

Let me do it. I'm going to do it. Don't I always do it? No, I do it. We're all

gentlemen.

Now, who's going to announce it? I don't make a difference. Do you want to

announce it? I don't care. Forget about it.

Ladies and gentlemen, Jerry Wade's going to be a little late tonight, so we're

bringing you our own variety program of guest artists from hither, thither, and

yon, and not to forget, to and fro.

Ladies and gentlemen, for our first guest artist this evening, we bring you

that world-famous entertainer whose name is a household word. To hear him is

to... hear him.

Two-Faced Louie Louie, the double-crossing kid from Walla Walla,

was captured today by federal men in one of the most daring raids in the Islands

of Pride.

The news of the air takes you now to the Bureau of Intelligence, where Two-Faced

Louie Louie is being questioned.

Who wrote Ivanhoe?

What is H20?

I can't stand it, I told you. I won't answer. You must answer. You must

answer. Why?

Why? Because I'm Professor Quiz.

The train's for Chicago. When does he leave? The next train's at 9.15, track

five. When was the last train? About two hours ago. Oh, thanks.

Oddities in the news. We now take you to Philadelphia, where the Tea Tasters

Convention is in session.

It is our pleasure to introduce to you Mr. T.T. Teasdale, the world's champion

sip-teaser. I mean, tea-sipper.

T.

Presenting sport highlights of the day, we now take you to Madison Square

Garden, where the finals of the World's Championship Ping-Pong Tournament is

being held.

Madison Square Garden.

The Ping-Pong Tournament.

and scores deuce.

You're under arrest.

Jerry! Will you come along quietly?

Oh, Jerry, I don't... You're wanted for truancy. There's a big reward, too, and

I've come to claim it. Oh, no, Jerry, I couldn't go back now. I've done enough

to you already.

You've got to, Caroline. The program's on the air, and I need you. Well, there

are dozens of other singers. I don't mean that way. You're gonna marry me.

Oh, Jerry, please.

And now we bring you a radio dramatization of the picture you all

know and love.

Snow White.

Curses on my cruel fate.

I am on time, but my train is late.

Beautiful.

Just look at me.

Ain't I beautiful?

Huntsman, did you do as I said?

Yes, oh queen.

Snow White is dead. In your bold plot, I did my part.

For here, my queen, is Snow White's heart.

Now that her heart is in my hand, I am the fairest in all the land.

No longer will they call you Trump. From now on Snow White's heart is Trump.

But I must be certain of my allure.

I will ask the mirror and make sure.

Mirror, mirror on the wall.

Who is first of them all?

You want to know?

Yes, I want to know.

Shall I tell her?

Me? Me?

Snow White's cuter because she's younger.

While you, my queen, you are from Huntsville.

Ah! She lives!

There's something wrong.

Snow White lives!

But not for long.

Ah! My book of magic.

Now I'll cook up something tragic.

Halt! Look here.

What do I see?

His recipe.

A pinch of dust.

A nerve that's rare.

A rag.

Two bones.

Ha! A hank of hair.

Air to it.

And let it gel.

Take some salt and sprinkle well.

An evil glance.

A leering frown. Take a chance and drink it down.

And now, ladies and gentlemen, the announcement you've all been waiting

for. We now present the man of the hour, Jerry Wade!

Shine over Kentucky, I'm lucky under your spell.

I can't forget, I can't forget.