Original subtitles

Previously on "Boston legal"...

Claire Simms, this is Clarice bell, our client.

Are you kidding me? It's a big black man in a frock.

This is Dolce & Gabbana, you pissy little bitch.

I'm Alan shore, Clarice's lawyer.

Yeah, uh, uh, Clarice went to the market.

And you would be? Clarence.

You gonna hit me, Brad?

One of my goals in life

is to go to all the places you've gone and...

Just don't go to Shirley. She's mine.

♪♪♪

Don't talk to me about an appointment. It's just that without a scheduled appointment...

My husband didn't have an appointment with death.

There's nobody here I can really get you in to see.

I am not leaving until I meet with a lawyer! What seems to be the matter?

The skinny little thang here won't take my business

because I'm black. That's what's going on.

I'm sure that's not the case. Well, how would you know?

Were you here? What's going on?

(Whispers) Evidently, her husband was struck.

And killed by lightning. She wants to sue god. Ah.

You're talking about me.

Don't think I don't know you talking about me. Mrs., uh...

I am not leaving.

You gonna have to bring in a bulldozer and plow me out.

I'm sure that won't be necessary. (Whispers) Let me just meet with her.

(Low voice) Absolutely not. Anybody but you.

What is that supposed to mean? I know you, Denise.

You'll probably wind up taking this case. And what is that supposed to mean?

Where is my lawyer? Ten seconds, and I scream. (Normal voice) No, please, don't do that.

(Screaming) One! Okay!

(Low voice) Meet with her, but that's it.

(Normal voice) Brad! Go with Denise.

Make sure she does not take this case.

Alan...

Shirley, I was just thinking of you.

Were you now?

Well, not you specifically.

Your doll.

I thought I ought to put in some hard hours

practicing with her in preparation

for finding you under the mistletoe

at the Christmas party and stemming your yuletide

with my skilled and darting tongue.

You are coming to the Christmas party,

aren't you, Shirley? I wouldn't dream of missing it.

What's that?

Oh, that's just a case I'm assigning,

something senior partners tend to do on occasion.

This is one of Edwin poole's cases.

It seems to have slipped through my cracks,

so I thought you'd find it especially tasty. Ah.

What kind of case?

A woman is trying to get custody

of her sister's twins.

Evidently, the little girls are budding country music stars,

and the woman feels that this is no way to raise children.

You can't be serious.

She's trying to get custody because the girls sing?

The sister, it seems, is a bit protective.

Anyway, we represent the mother and father.

The trial starts tomorrow,

and you need to meet the clients. What's my motivation?

I beg your pardon?

My character's motivation.

I can't just jump cold into a case, Shirley.

I need incentive. Such as?

Well...

Let's say, if I win, you have to dress up

as a playboy bunny for the Christmas party.

Think of morale, Shirley.

And if you lose, you dress up as the bunny? Even better.

Fine then. You have a bet.

What am I missing?

♪♪♪

Uh, how is everything, guys? (Mouth full) Wonderful.

Wonderful, Sofia.

I have a feeling this was a happy cow.

(Chuckles)

Um, Mr. Crane, may I speak with you for a minute?

Absolutely. Is it sexual?

I need more butter.

No, it's a legal thing, and... and it's personal.

Mmm, I'll get the butter.

Sit, sit, sit, sit, sit.

Um, it's about my daughter Claire.

She's 16, and I'm losing her.

Drugs? No, she's got anorexia.

We've been fighting about it for months.

She says nothing's wrong and then starts screaming at me,

and then I start screaming back,

and last week, she moved out.

She's staying with her girlfriend,

and today I got served with this.

Looks like a legal thing, a document.

She wants to be emancipated.

I'm really scared, Mr. Crane.

Sofia, bring her to my office,

and I'll talk some sense into her.

Failing that, maybe a couple of cupcakes.

What exactly are you gonna say?

Well, I'll tell her man needs to eat.

(Belches) Excuse me.

It wasn't me.

You must know that any judge is gonna laugh

at a claim like this, Annabelle.

What's really going on?

I'm angry.

My husband was not meant to die,

and I'm angry that people just seem to flick it off like...

Well, wait. What do you mean, they... they "flick it off"?

Like somehow because he got struck by lightning,

it was meant to be.

You get cancer, you die in a car crash,

it's tragic, but a lightning bolt?

"His number was up. Accept it."

Well, I can't accept it!

And suing somebody, maybe even god...

I just want to give voice to my rage. That's all!

He was the only man I ever loved.

How can god just take him away?

(Low voice) Don't even think about it.

I was talking to him when it happened, you know?

He was on the golf course. I called him on his cell.

I heard the crack,

and he was gone.

I'm sorry.

I can't just sit home and grieve.

I just have to do something.

I...

Mrs. Carruthers... Denise.

I'm gonna take your case.

They're beautiful, well-behaved...

We home school, on the road, as well.

My sister has issues. She's suing for custody,

because of what they sing?

Basically, she thinks the songs

and our values are too conservative.

Would you like to hear them perform, Mr. Shore?

Delighted.

(Strumming chords)

(Both) ♪ rise up and shine

♪ america's sons and daughters ♪

♪ rise up and shine

♪ you gotta fight to part those waters ♪

♪ when we swim in the light

♪ all will be okay

♪ the black, yellow and brown man ♪

♪ will wash away

♪ yes, the black, yellow and brown man ♪

♪ will wash away

♪ rise up and shine

♪ america's sons and daughters

♪ rise up and shine

♪ you've gotta fight to part those waters ♪

♪ when we swim in the light ♪

My sister thinks we're racist. ♪ All will be okay

got it.

♪ The black, yellow and brown man ♪

♪ will wash away

♪ yes, the black, yellow and brown man ♪

♪ will wash away

(music stops)

Shirley...

Yes, Alan?

You didn't mention that the clients

were white supremacists. Didn't I?

That doesn't seem right, does it? No, it doesn't, Shirley,

and I've always considered you such a beacon of fair play.

Well, look on the bright side.

You'll look great in that bunny outfit.

Think of morale, Alan. Motivated yet?

Okay, you are all here for the assistant position.

I will be interviewing you one by one.

Each of you will have about three minutes.

I do not care about your dreams for world peace.

You will not impress me with your concern for whales,

a.i.d.s. Babies or greenhouse emissions.

And if you're religious,

for god's sakes, keep it to yourself.

All I want to know is how fast you type,

what's your experience, level of education and...

Clarice.

(Feminine voice) Don't look at me like that.

You're applying for the assistant position?

I have skills.

Okay, wig off.

You first, ho.

Clarence, wig off!

What's going on?

(Speaking in normal voice) I quit the other job.

It wasn't the same after they took me back.

And what makes you think that you could be a legal secretary?

I went to law school.

And Clarice has good people skills.

You went to law school?

I never practiced.

But... but Clarice knows everything I know and...

Okay, I am not hiring Clarice.

I don't even like Clarice.

I will hire you...

On a trial basis.

I don't think I...

It's too high pressure. I have to be her.

The offer is extended to Clarence, not Clarice.

I thought we were just gonna talk. We are,

but since you got a lawyer, I thought I should have one, too.

Shelley Ford. Uh, Denny crane.

Where did you come from, and how is she paying you?

We met on my web site. I'm a supporter of the pro-Ana movement

and an attorney with yannetti, Bauer & Lewis.

I took this case pro bono.

And what the hell is pro-Ana? It's short for pro-anorexia.

Now wait a minute. You're in favor of a disease?

Pro-Ana is not a disease, Mr. Crane.

It's a lifestyle choice. It's like being gay or an atheist.

We're out of the closet. We're not ashamed of it.

We're tired of all the nasty labels,

and we're proud of the way we live.

You're going to starve to death!

I-I don't know how to be more clear. And once again,

you heard nothing. Liver failure, muscle loss!

Stop it! You stopped your period a year ago.

Do you want to have children? Stop it!

Mrs. Wilson, you indicated you had something to say.

What is it?

You're too skinny.

Snap out of it.

I guess we'll see each other in court.

Not if you turn sideways.

What?

You did what?

If we can just get past summary judgment...

You won't get past it.

Suing god? Have you lost your mind?

And you... yeah.

I told you to prevent this from happening.

I tried. You tried!

What's up? (Sighs)

Brad and Denise have decided to represent a woman suing god.

(Laughs) I didn't decide. She...

You both bear responsibility for taking this case.

You both will figure out a way to beat summary judgment.

That shouldn't be too hard.

Do you know the facts

of this case, Mr. Coho?

No, but anybody can get a case past summary judgment.

Maybe not. (Paul) Okay...

All three of you will bear responsibility.

Whoa, whoa, no, I... no, no! You just got yourself assigned.

You can take this opportunity

to further your bond with Mr. Chase.

♪♪♪

I was raised the same way they were.

Our parents told us the same stories,

about there being no holocaust,

the blacks mongrelizing the pure white race,

the whole deal,

but I was able to come out from under it.

And now you're trying to put your stamp on our children.

Ms. Shaw, Ms. Monroe,

regardless of my personal feelings about this case,

I can assure you of one thing.

You have no legal standing to challenge custody here.

The court wouldn't dare take children away

from their parents because of said parents' political beliefs.

Mr. and Mrs. Tanner are extremists,

and they are hazardous to their own children's welfare

as well as society.

And we are prepared to prove that this custody battle

is not only a matter of child welfare,

but of national security.

She actually cited national security as grounds

for taking children away from their parents.

White supremacists are hate cells.

Hate cells are a breeding ground for terror.

It's just a fact. If seeing Shirley in pink ears weren't incentive enough,

I think I actually might have to fight this one on principle.

(Slurps)

So basically, we've both got mothers

trying to hang on to their daughters.

Maybe we should critique each other's closings.

(Slurps)

What?

You... you don't think I can do this?

I most certainly didn't say that.

Oh, yes, you did.

You don't trust me.

Denny... I know you too well, Alan.

You don't think I can handle this solo.

I'm simply saying,

given the enormity of the stakes,

it can't hurt for either of us to get feedback.

Right.

I'm getting sick of having to prove myself to you.

♪♪♪

♪♪♪

(Telephone rings)

(Ring)

Clarence...

One of your duties

would be to pick up the phone

when it makes noises like that. (Ring)

I-I can't.

(Ring) Can you at least let me be her on the phone?

(Ring)

Okay.

I will let you be her on the phone at the beginning,

but you will not be calling our clients "hos".

And after a month... (Ring)

You will have to be you all the time,

including when you are on the phone. (Ring)

Thank you.

(Feminine voice) Claire Simms' office.

This is Clarice bell speaking.

Yes. Yes, indeed.

This summer we sang

at a patriot's day picnic in Richmond

and at the solstice festival in tampa.

Also, we got to do the national anthem

at an anti-immigration rally in ft. Payne.

Katey, do you ever wish that,

instead of having to perform at those kinds of gatherings,

that you got to do fun things like other kids...

Summer camp, Disneyland?

Performing is fun for us, and it's important.

We're standing up for something.

And what exactly are you standing up for?

White pride.

I mean, other groups are allowed

to be proud of themselves, right? Objection.

Katey, sweetheart, you weren't asked a question.

I'd like to hear from katey.

It used to just be, like, blacks

with their marches and history month and stuff.

Now it's everyone, like the Mexicans.

They illegally cross our borders,

then say they want to become Americans.

But at their rallies,

they just wave their Mexican flags and talk Spanish.

With our songs,

we're saying that whites need to stand up and fight back,

because the minorities, they're winning.

Winning what?

The race war... not, like, with guns...

With babies.

The Mexicans, the Chinese, they're all having

as many kids as they can so they can take over.

Whites are already a minority in California,

Texas and new Mexico.

We've pretty much lost those states already.

And who told you that? I learned it in school.

Your home school,

the one that your mother teaches?

Yes.

Katey, have your parents ever hit you?

Hit me? No.

How about Lauren?

To your knowledge, have they ever been violent with her?

No, they love us.

Do the two of you always get enough to eat?

Um, yeah.

How about your health?

Any aches or pains not being attended to,

perhaps a sore throat from all that singing?

No.

Okay, now, katey,

Ms. Monroe mentioned that your mother is your teacher.

Given all the time you spend traveling and performing,

does she ever let you slide a little

when it comes to school?

I wish.

We do way more homework

and get better test scores than kids in regular schools.

And whenever we take a trip somewhere,

our dad always turns it into a total history lesson.

I can imagine.

So you're safe

and well-fed, healthy and successful.

Let me ask you.

As long as you and your sister could be together,

and if it were up to you,

with whom would you want to live?

We want to live at home with our family.

Sue the church? Why not?

A lightning bolt is an act of god.

The church holds itself out as an agent of god.

Let's slap the episcopalians. It's ridiculous.

You got a better idea? You're the one who's supposed to have the better ideas,

because you said we could beat this in summary judgment. Okay, here's an idea.

Why don't we tell the judge to kiss my ass?

That can work pretty nicely if you say it just right.

Let me practice. Kiss my ass.

What do you think?

Oh... no, no!

No, no, no, no, no!

Unh-unh. That's enough.

♪♪♪

I don't do drugs, and I don't drink.

I take a.P. Classes, and I get all straight a's.

And you're graduating early?

With honors.

You also have a web site, don't you?

It's called thinspire.

It's a support community for goal-oriented young women.

We post articles and suggestions

on how to live a more thinspirational life.

And how do you plan

to support yourself financially? I model.

Well, I'm just getting started, really.

I've done fashion shows for a few local department stores,

but recently I've gotten a lot of catalog work.

It's pretty steady, and I make about $125 an hour.

It sounds to me like you're doing

pretty well for yourself, Ms. Wilson.

Yes, I am.

What did you have for breakfast this morning?

I had a diet soda

and a cracker with some butter spray on it.

And lunch? I didn't eat lunch.

I can't eat when I'm stressed out.

So how many calories have you had today?

16.

Are you aware that the daily required

number of calories for someone of your age and height

is somewhere between 1,800 and 2,400?

And are you aware that two out of three Americans

are overweight?

No one's calling them sick. I'm healthy.

I watch what I eat, and I exercise.

You can ask any fat girl at my school

if she'd want to trade places with me. Now don't go knocking fat girls.

I love chubby sex, and I'm sure your honor does. Mr. Crane!

Ms. Wilson...

Are you aware that

the "diagnostic and statistical manual of mental disorders"

defines anorexia nervosa

as a mental illness?

30 years ago they said the same thing about homosexuality.

Exactly!

No further questions.

♪♪♪

I don't understand.

Why does he need to hear closing statements?

It's a simple decision. What is wrong with this judge?

Well, maybe he's just prejudiced against,

you know, skinheads.

Do I look like a skinhead, Mr. Shore?

I'm told they can take on various forms.

Hey, if you're prejudiced against us...

♪ Rise up and shine

♪ america's sons and d... quiet!

Listen, as much as I enjoy the company of you show people,

I have a closing to prepare,

so I'll see you and your full heads of hair.

At the courthouse. We are not bigoted.

Our message is simply... it's good to be white.

I'll meet you at the courthouse.

Case going well?

It isn't over yet, Shirley.

We haven't even got to the part where I deliver

my politically biased but compelling closing argument.

Now how cute is that?

♪♪♪

We've heard testimony from your daughter

that at her new, lower weight, her social life's improved.

She's being asked out on dates. That's true, but...

She's getting more involved in school activities

now that her self-esteem is up.

We've heard she loves theater and dance.

At her previous weight, she was getting supporting roles,

and now she's got the lead in "grease," correct?

Yes. Wouldn't you say your daughter is blossoming at her new weight?

But that's not the point. So because Claire has chosen

a pro-Ana lifestyle, her life has improved.

She's now working professionally.

She's completely capable of living on her own,

and this is a threat to you, isn't it? No, that's not it at all.

And under your care, you'd want her to gain weight,

which would make her lose her self-esteem,

her career would suffer, but you'd still have control

over your little girl's life. Objection!

She's-she's being... objectionable. Sustained.

I have my daughter's best interests at heart.

You're a 40-year-old single mother

working in a steakhouse.

The only good thing that you have going for you

is your daughter.

You want to hang onto her as long as you possibly can... objection!

So you don't have to examine your own empty life. Your honor!

Ms. Ford, that's enough.

Ms. Simms?

(Chuckles) You can call me Claire.

(Chuckles) Claire...

Uh, the, uh, the case that Mr. Coho

and Mr. Chase are working on... mm-hmm?

I, uh... I pulled up some research.

The cell phone? Evidently, he was talking on it

when he got struck by the lightning?

Those studies linking cell phones and lightning

have been completely debunked. Well...

Go ahead, Clarence.

Clarence.

The... the studies have been, uh, mainly discounted,

but not totally.

And conflicting studies...

It... it becomes a question of fact, not law.

Which means the case can't get kicked at summary judgment.

Can I see those studies, please?

Interesting. I could run with this.

I'll run with it. Guys...

♪♪♪

How are they supposed to seriously function

in this world as adults

if they've been brought up at white supremacists?

Many seem to do just fine. Your honor...

Is this an environment that you would subject your children to?

And this is a physical danger, as well.

White supremacists are more likely

to become involved in violence.

They're hate groups,

and Mr. Shore can deride me for pulling

the national security card, but do not tell me

that the Timothy mcveighs of this world.

And the Christian identity organization and the like,

which support violence and are anti-government,

you can't tell me

that they don't pose a threat to this country.

For god's sake, these two little girls

are being taught to adhere to a whites-only,

immigrant-bashing, Jew-hating ideology.

You heard them,

and their performances are being used

to recruit other people to join in with the prejudice.

How can this court not step in

and rescue them?

Uh, Benjamin Franklin is often attributed

with the quote,

"those who would give up essential Liberty

to purchase a little temporary safety deserve neither."

And he certainly knew what he was talking about.

He ate lots of red meat and invented the swim fin.

When our current president,

who, by the way, has invented nothing,

signed the patriot act into law in 2001,

not a single member of congress could be found

who had read the bill

all the way through.

And yet, they couldn't wait to hand over our rights.

"Al qaeda's coming. Where's my pen?"

Anything to feel safe.

Like a parent who dangles car keys to distract a child,

our government whips out national security

to grab our attention whenever they deem it necessary.

And that what opposing counsel is doing here,

but this case is not about national security.

It's about a family.

Granted, a family that is so filled with spite

and ignorance and shockingly untutored ideas

that it beggars the imagination,

but still, a family.

And as long as Lauren and katey

are well-fed and well cared for,

a family the law cannot and should not touch.

Now I think we would all agree

that we'd prefer these children

to be raised in a different way.

Certainly, Mrs. Tanner's sister thinks so,

but she knows legally that is not possible,

so she and her lawyer are wheeling out

our latest favorite rights-squashing mechanism...

National security... and who can blame them?

It's all the rage.

If you want to look at people's bank records,

tap their phones, read their e-mails,

go ahead, do it.

Just say it's a matter of national security,

and now we're claiming the Tanner family is a threat.

If that is the case, if there is any actual evidence

linking them to a crime, by all means,

be my guest, please, have at 'em.

Arrest them,

but if there is no cause to arrest them...

Then leave this family alone.

♪♪♪

♪♪♪

Where's my mom? Is she all right?

She's in here, still alive.

You lied to me.

No, I didn't.

I told you your mom was in the hospital,

and you had to get down here immediately,

and she is still alive.

Only this young woman, unfortunately,

is not doing quite so well.

Ms. Murr...

Claire Wilson.

My daughter Cathy has complications

due to anorexia nervosa.

Claire...

You really thought that that after-school special-"o.C." Crap

was gonna work on me? Cookie?

That girl has what you have.

No, she doesn't.

A true pro-Ana wouldn't fail like that.

Are you serious? Chips?

Stop offering me food.

What the hell is going on here?

My mother and Mr. Crane are trying to scare me

by showing me a girl who's dying. You're going to die, Claire.

Can't you get that? You're going to die.

You had the nerve to call my client down here

and show her that without my knowledge?

This is outrageous. I'll notify the court.

I'll notify the bar. Congratulations.

You've just lost your daughter.

Oh, Alan.

Sofia, hello.

Come in.

Can I ask you, um...

Is Denny crane any good?

Why do you ask me that?

Well, he's been a bit of a clown in court,

and he... he orchestrated this ridiculous stunt at a hospital.

And i-I'm gonna...

I am gonna lose my daughter.

Is there any way you could take over?

Ooh, that would be...

I'm not sure Denny crane knows what he's doing.

Sofia...

What's going on?

Sofia and I were just discussing the case, Denny.

She mentioned your creative stunt

at the hospital this morning. Brilliant.

I just finished my closing.

Would you like to read it? Sure.

My office.

I'm gonna have to hire somebody else.

Don't do anything yet, Sofia.

Let me work on this.

This is a situation that touches

two deep emotional chords in all of us...

The sanctity of the family on the one hand,

the distaste we feel

for hatemongering on the other,

but the law is clear.

Mr. and Mrs. Tanner may be questionable as human beings,

but they are loving parents.

The petitioner's motion for removal is denied.

(Gallery murmurs)

(Katey and Lauren) ♪ Michael, row the boat ashore ♪

♪ hallelujah

♪ Michael, row...

Michael was a gay Jew from Mexico.

You know that, of course. Let's go, girls.

♪♪♪

Just let me lead, and then you follow.

I'll lead. It's my case.

I took it. She took it.

Under my supervision as partner.

Guys, you're both partner. I'm not.

So why am I the only one acting like an adult?

Okay, let me just say something before we go in here.

I have tried to have Patience with him, but I feel like

I'm fighting a losing battle. You ever win any battles, Brad?

Okay, let's go in.

Good morning. Thank you for agreeing to see us.

I am Denise Bauer. This is Brad chase and... I'm Jeffrey coho.

I know how busy you are, so I thought we'd cut right to it. We represent a woman

by the name of Annabelle caruthers,

whose husband was regrettably killed

after being struck by lightning while talking

on a cell phone manufactured by your client cybus technologies.

Yes, why don't you cut right to the part

where we should be held liable? Certainly...

You see, when lightning strikes, the human skin offers

some protection, significant in fact...

What happens is electricity is conducted over the skin

rather than through the body.

It's a phenomenon known as flash over.

Conductive material in direct contact with the skin,

especially something metallic such as a mobile phone,

can negate the flash over effect,

cause the voltage to go right through the body.

We've brought three studies that speak to liability.

As for the issue of foreseeability,

there have been other cases.

In Australia, they now issue warnings. England is considering doing so.

The fact is, using a cell phone

in a thunderstorm is potentially lethal...

And can result in death.

It resulted in the death of our client's husband.

Look, you're gonna have your experts. We'll have ours.

But in the meantime, the cost of negative publicity alone...

Not to mention of the billions of dollars

generated in cell phone usage.

Hundreds of millions come from people talking on the outside

in inclement weather. You don't want people putting their cell phones away

during storms, do you?

♪♪♪

Oh, my goodness. Aah!

(Murmuring indistinctly)

♪♪♪

You should both be embarrassed, for god's sake.

Do you have anything to say for yourself?

I won.

You did not.

Oh, shut up, both of you! God!

Obviously, I have to keep you apart,

since you lack the maturity to conduct yourselves as adults.

(Door opens) We got an offer.

What do you mean, you got an offer?

$75,000. It's not a lot,

but as far as a lightning-bolt case goes...

Told you I'd get something. I got it.

Shut up!

♪♪♪

Who's this?

I'm Alan shore.

Mr. Crane was unexpectedly called to court.

I'm filling in.

I'll make this very brief.

What's this? This would be an arrest warrant.

Don't be concerned. They won't execute it

unless I give them the word.

An arrest warrant for whom? You.

Me?

Yes, Ms. Wilson.

It turns out your web site gives other teenagers advice

on how to acquire diet pills

with or without a prescription. That's not against the law.

It is if she's contributing to the delinquency of a minor.

You've got all kinds of little tips in there

that could expose you to both criminal and civil liability.

What's going on? I could actually be arrested?

I can make this go away. Do not worry.

Yes, you can certainly have your day in court,

possibly prevail, though I doubt it.

And in the meantime, word of your arrest

will undoubtedly make it to the modeling agencies,

and there goes your livelihood.

A scandalous scandal.

And then the civil lawsuits can begin.

Will you be representing her for free in those, Ms. Ford?

Ah.

My suggestion would be to go to rehab

and get the help you need,

but I suppose you could go to jail

and add two new photos to your portfolio...

Front and side.

This is so pathetically desperate.

Well, finally we agree on something.

I'm desperate.

How about the lawyers leave,

and you can have a conversation with your mother?

♪♪♪

("Jingle bell rock" playing)

♪ Whoa

♪ jingle bell, jingle bell

♪ jingle bell rock

♪ jingle bell swing

♪ and jingle bells ring

♪ snowin' and blowin'

♪ up bushels of fun

♪ now the jingle hop

♪ has begun

♪ jingle bell, jingle bell, jingle bell rock ♪

♪ jingle bells chime in jingle bell time ♪

♪ dancin' and prancin'

♪ in jingle bell square

♪ in the frosty air

♪ what a bright time

♪ it's the right time

♪ to rock the night away

♪ jingle bell time

♪ is a swell time

♪ to go glidin' in a 1-horse sleigh ♪

♪ giddy-up, jingle horse, pick up your feet ♪

♪ jingle around the clock...

This isn't exactly the image I had in my mind,

but I'm still aroused.

(Chuckles) I'm glad to hear it.

Maybe I could throw my costume on,

and we could go do what rabbits like to do best. Don't make me hit you.

Hit me?

You wouldn't be standing under mistletoe

unless you wanted to kiss me.

I'm not standing under... hey!

♪ What a bright time hey!

♪ It's the right time to rock the night away ♪

Mm!

♪ Jingle bell time okay!

The slobber you just got came from his mouth.

Mmm, quite the party, I see.

I assume I was invited.

It goes without saying. Which is why it did.

Dance, Denny?

She made it sound like I have a choice.

♪ Mix and mingle in a jingling beat ♪

That leaves you and me. ♪ That's the jingle bell

and him. ♪ That's the jingle bell rock

Jerry? Merry Christmas, my friend.

Oh, thank you.

Open it.

Okay.

I paint.

One of my hobbies is

to supplant the faces of people I care about

on famous personalities that match up well. I see.

Oh.

Jerry...

It's amazing.

Wow. ♪ What a bright time

you like it? ♪ It's the right time

I love it. ♪ To rock the night away

♪ jingle bell time is a swell time ♪

♪ to go glidin' in a 1-horse sleigh ♪

♪ giddy-up, jingle horse, pick up your feet ♪

♪ jingle around the clock

♪ mix and mingle in a jingling beat... ♪

I guess we should work this out.

Does it have to be tonight? Well, it is the season.

Peace on earth, goodwill toward men. What was that?

Goodwill toward men?

No, right before that. Peace on earth?

I knew it. A liberal.

♪♪♪

Aren't you coming out to join the party?

Maybe in a minute.

Well, I have somebody

who wants to say hello to you.

I just want to thank you.

I was told you were the one

who came up with the idea to sue the phone company,

and $75,000,

that's a lot of money to me.

And, um, I just want to thank you.

Okay.

Okay.

(Whispers) He's cute.

(Chuckles) Yes, he is.

♪ That's the jingle bell, that's the jingle bell rock ♪

You pass the bar, Clarence?

Yes, but I could never practice.

Why not?

I-I could never.

I think we're gonna work on that.

(Playing "it came upon a midnight clear")

♪ It came upon

♪ a midnight clear

♪ that glorious song

♪ of old

♪ from angels bending

♪ near the earth

♪ to touch the...

Handicapped. Excuse me.

Coming through.

Out of my way! Handicapped.

♪ Peace on earth

♪ goodwill to men

♪ from heaven's all gracious king ♪

♪ the world

♪ in solemn

♪ stillness lay

♪ to hear

♪ the angels sing

(Alan) We had our first 3-way tonight.

I'm not sure that Shirley enjoyed it as much as we did.

Mm...

It was fabulous for me.

She didn't quite taste the same as I remember.

She tasted more like...

Me. That was my slobber, Denny.

We finally exchanged bodily fluids.

Oh.

(Chuckles)

Blech.

Did I tell you my case worked out?

Sofia's daughter decided

to come home after all.

Fantastic.

Got a call from the clerk's office

to come to court for the summations.

Turns out it was a mistake.

And, uh, by the time I got back,

Sofia was on the phone with the good news.

Well, you must have somehow reached the girl, Denny.

Congratulations.

Of course, the warrant didn't hurt.

I may miss a lot, Alan,

but I don't miss everything.

I just...

Came up with the idea,

and I thought you'd object to any kind of assistance.

So you decided to keep the truth from me?

Sofia came to you.

She didn't trust that I was winning.

But I was, Alan.

I believe you.

I'm not sure you do,

but I know your heart's in the right place.

And how can I be mad at anyone

who can get Shirley to dress like a rabbit?

(Chuckles)

She is a goddess, isn't she?

Oh, boy.

("Christmas time is here" playing)

Denny, maybe for Christmas...

You can't have her.

(Children) ♪ Christmas time is here

how about... no!

♪ We'll be drawing near

well, merry Christmas just the same, my friend.

Merry Christmas. ♪ Oh, that we

♪ could always see such spirit through the year ♪