Original subtitles

That's it. That's the idea.

It's been in our faces the whole time!

It's brilliant. God, you' re brilliant.

First the hand, now the heart.

I whipped up my buttermilk pancakes, Austin.

A woman after my own heart! You too, Haley.

This just does not feel like our wedding.

Are you saying you don't wanna marry me?

I moved away from here so that I wouldn't end up like my parents.

No offence, guys. Some taken.

Although I may be entirely dressed as your father...

You're turning into my mother.

I'm sorry, Austin, but it's over.

Ah, here she is. Not a moment too soon.

Now, welcome, all. Thank you for assembling at short notice.

Les, time of meeting, please?

10:37, Tuesday the 24th.

Present - Cobb, Leslie, Mel, Julian, Ingrid, Bill and Austin.

Haley, absent. Mmm. Yes.

Haley is in her room,

watching TV shows that she's not interested in

after having split with her fiance

that she's also apparently not interested in.

I think that's a bit harsh.

She's not uninterested in Austin.

Austin, what did she say? "Sorry, Austin. It's over."

Not a lot of nuance there.

It's hard to capture nuance in four words.

True. Or is it? Fascinating.

Now, Austin, what is the plan?

In the short-term, I've moved into the Winnebago

to put some distance between Haley and I.

Yes, approximately 30 yards.

I also want to rediscover my purpose,

which involves returning to the warehouse.

In the medium to long-term,

I intend to win Haley back, whatever it takes.

Put it there, roomie.

(OPENING THEME PLAYS)

Alright! We have an instant coffee with oat milk for...

...bonjour, monsieur.

And a cup of chamomile tea for the hot stepmother.

(LAUGHS) Thank you so much.

Um, anyway, uh, you're probably wondering why...

Why we're here.

Well, we had a little bit of news for you.

Ingrid and I are back together.

Yeah, I know.

Oh! So...

It's not like before, though.

I mean, I think this time, we're pretty solid.

Yeah. Apart from don't use "solid".

Makes it sound like a bowel movement.

Or a retaining wall. Yeah, well, we're on stable ground.

We're not on a building site, Julian.

No, we're just two emotionally compromised adults

who find some comfort in the familiar.

It's not a fairy story. It's more of a vicious circle.

Yeah, well, don't get too smug.

Yeah? Yeah.

Yeah. So, that was that, really.

And we also wanted to know, how are you doing with Haley?

I mean, how long since you've seen her now?

52 hours. Just 52.

Maybe you should talk to her?

I mean, maybe she dropped the bomb

just so that you'd ask her why she dropped the bomb.

God, you are so clever. Yes. You are so clever.

You're right, Stepmother.

I shall make the first move. I will reach out to Haley.

That is great. Yeah. Well done.

I mean, it can't get any worse.

You know it can get so much worse, right?

Oh, yeah. We know that. That is also my lived experience.

(WHISPERS) We're all stories in the end.

Let's not make ours a short one.

I think I got a bit overinvested in your mum.

Yeah. You think? She's charismatic.

Like a cult leader or a celebrity chef.

Just 'cause someone's charismatic

doesn't mean you outsource all your judgement to them.

I know that now.

Is there a version of the future where we can move past this?

I don't know. I can work with "I don't know".

At least it's not a no. Well, it's not a yes.

No. But how far off am I from a yes?

What kind of assurance do you want?

Numerical, if possible. OK.

Um, numerically,

the chances of us getting back together are...

...I don't know, 7%.

7%. I can absolutely work with that.

BOTH: 7%?!

You don't like those odds?

7% is zero, expressed diplomatically.

Yeah. She's rounded it up to the nearest seven.

Well, it's better than six!

I'm back at the warehouse, I'm earning,

and life isn't as bleak as I once believed.

Hello? It's not that great either. I know.

Look, why don't you come back to the UK with us?

We can write books, drink tea,

maintain civilised proximity to Billie Piper.

That all sounds very tempting, Dad, but I intend to stay the course.

If I gain a percentage point every week,

I should be able to win Haley back by... one year and 5/6.

But that's 93 weeks. It's 22 months.

I mean, she could meet someone else. She could have a child.

Technically, she could have two.

She could have two sets of twins and be radicalised by her parents.

That's very specific,

but all of those things are beyond my control.

All I can do is work on myself

and be there for her if she needs me.

Oh, my God! What are you, a Hallmark card?

Look, there's plenty more fish in the sea, Austin.

Yeah, I'd date you if I wasn't related to you.

Which I'm not. That sounded worse than it is.

I'm encouraging you. I'm not grooming you.

That does sound weird. It would be fairly weird.

Thanks, Stepmum.

Even though it's highly inappropriate,

the fact that you'd hypothetically date me

has made me feel better by about...

...7%.

Right.

So, what's happening? Am I doing the pitch now?

Then I'll crowbar in

that the idea came from deep personal trauma.

The not sad kind? No, no. The monetizable kind.

And then we reassure her that it is nothing like Big Bear...

...while emphasising that it retains

the comforting architecture of Big Bear.

Yeah, and if she's still unsure,

then you wheel out that thing you do

that makes people want to knit you a blanket.

No, that's not a thing! That's genuine sincerity! Look.

It's not sincerity. That's an owl. Just dial it back 5%.

Whoosh, baby! Boom! (LAUGHS)

(SIGHS)

This book's never going to get bought, is it?

Absolutely never. It is dire.

Look, if it gets rejected,

which I'm pretty sure it will, we've always got the crepe truck.

What's Eating Gilbert Crepe? Yeah.

People will moan about paying �10 for a book,

then happily fork out �12

for a pancake with a few spinach leaves on it.

And I can be sous chef? Absolutely.

That is great, because I am basically Nigella,

if Nigella were hotter and hated cooking.

Well, I mean, thank you so much for coming.

We are aware it's quite a long way. Yes.

For a wedding that's no longer happening.

On the plus side, you're going to be the very first person

to hear our new idea.

In a very sort of relaxed, everything's a placeholder...

Gonna stop you there, because I, um...

...there's something I really should tell you.

Right? I... Yeah.

I might have told Sam that you're ready to pitch.

OK. Yeah.

I mean, she was just on me. "Where's the pitch?

Can I have the pitch? Have you got it? Text me the pitch.

OK, that's fine, but we don't want to pitch to Sam

until we have polished the idea.

Oh! Julian and Ingrid!

Sam. Oh, wow!

Hi! Oh, my gosh! You are so young!

Wow! Did they let you fly in the plane on your own?

When I found out you had a new idea

that was going to revolutionise children's publishing,

I had to be here.

I last slept two days ago. Is the room spinning for everyone?

It is for me. (LAUGHS)

So...

Yes, I mean, this... This is such a lovely surprise.

But you see, the thing is, Sam,

our idea is a little bit new and delicate.

It's like a baby crocus.

Oh, I understand. There's no pressure.

No reason to be nervous at all.

Now! Pitch!

Ooh.

Quite a force! Huge force.

Yeah. Why don't we start with the title?

OK. We do have one.

Yes. We didn't want to rest on our laurels.

Very sensible.

So, the title is...

Ingrid.

Small Bear.

What? Small Bear.

Small Bear. Small Bear.

Small Bear. Oh.

Your follow up to the world-conquering

children's book series Big Bear is Small Bear?

We wanted it to be as different as possible.

Well, it's one syllable different.

Huge world apart, though. Yeah.

Oh, we have been round the mountain, up and down.

We've built this universe from the ground up.

The ontology is completely different.

Big Bear was blue. And Small Bear is teal.

Couldn't be more different. And the changes don't stop there.

No, Small Bear's den is round.

Whereas Big Bear's den was oval.

This is where it gets really interesting.

Oh, this is really fun.

Small Bear's best friend is Hare. Companion.

Completely different emotional energy

from Big Bear's best friend, Rabbit.

Rabbit. Very sensible. Rabbit was sensible.

Hare... (BABBLES) Lunar energy.

Although... Don't panic. Still quite sensible.

Has pockets.

But what we really want to stress

is that there's quite a big size difference

between the two characters.

Big Bear...

...is big.

Small Bear's... small.

I mean... I mean, I don't...

...I don't really... I don't know what to say.

I love it!

She loves it. Mmm.

It's fresh and new, but psychologically familiar.

It's a brand-new comfort blanket for the nation's children,

but it smells like the old one mummy had.

It's genius!

A standing ovation.

No author of mine has had that before.

So, it's a yes?

Well, I, uh, don't make the decisions.

I have to ask the grown ups, but...

...very good.

Does she mean her parents or...?

Small Bear?

Oi! Get up!

I don't want to.

I'm gonna make you a lemonade spider,

and there's no negotiation.

Fine!

Your great grandfather swore the, uh,

lemonade spider could cure anything from heartbreak to trenchfoot.

I think I'm facing something that can't be cured.

Let me tell you why that's rubbish.

There's a woman I know. She's as tough as a $2 steak.

Had a baby boy. Happy little thing.

Basically sunshine with hair.

Then he got to two years

and things changed for the poor little bugger.

He kept missing milestones,

and doctors lined up and told his mum

that he'd never read, write, shower himself.

"This is the limit," they said.

"This is the ceiling."

And she said, "Well, you can all go and stuff yourselves,"

and she spent years coaxing him from frustration to comprehension,

from silence to language,

and she told him that nothing about him was broken.

And she was right.

'Cause that little boy didn't just meet expectations,

he lapped them.

And I had the honour of having a front row seat to the whole thing.

'Cause that little boy was you, Austin.

Oh, and just look at how far you've come.

All the way to getting my heart broken.

Well, that's not failure.

It's just proof you're living life. You're in the arena.

Well said, Bill.

Time for another spider, I think.

(GRUNTS) oh.

Oh.

You know, your mother did an amazing job, no question.

But I like to think

that some of your success comes down to good genes.

It does.

About 50%.

(THUMP!)

Granddad? Bill?

Granddad?

Are you OK?

Granddad?

Granddad?

What's the number here? Triple zero.

Granddad.

Granddad!

When Dad would discuss working at ASIO,

we'd tease him

and say he only worked in data entry.

He'd let that sit. He never corrected us.

But he could have.

You ask his colleagues...

...who are here today and they'll tell you that...

...Dad saved lives and governments quietly...

...competently...

...without turning it into a personality.

And then he'd come home and ask if anyone had moved the remote.

Granddad's devotion to Mum and I was mighty.

And his love for Grandma, the mightiest.

I also found a video on his laptop.

Oh. (CHUCKLES)

Dad's password was and always remained "1234".

If you're watching this,

it means I've died,

or I'm on the Merv Hughes supporters tour of West Indies.

Oh, Austin, my boy.

It's been quite a year for you and your unemployed mum.

Father. Fiance.

Tour of England.

Live life long and large, mate.

And whatever happens,

you've always got the love of your family

and my Winnebago.

Oh, and to my mates at ASIO,

the Petrov Papers are buried under the Telstra tower.

Not the big one.

The little auxiliary tower behind the cricket nets.

You'll need a 12 mil socket wrench.

And if it's been upgraded to 5G, abort.

We might leave it there.

But please know, he thought you were all pretty great.

Thank you.

Grandad.

I'm very proud to have been your grandson.

Thank you for everything.

Hey, um...

...that was a really lovely eulogy.

Thank you.

Mum and Granddad did the heavy lifting.

I just stood there doing my best to keep my eyes dry.

Yeah, I think we did most of the crying for you.

So, uh, how's your new boyfriend?

My what?

That guy that you were dining with at Bar Zetta last Tuesday.

You were laughing warmly,

and from the social awareness I've been painstakingly building,

I read it as a developing situation.

No, that was just a job interview.

Oh! Which I got, by the way.

Oh, well, that is significantly better

than what I thought was happening!

Congratulations! Yeah. Thank you.

I am the new young person at a production office in town.

They keep asking me about all my young person ideas.

What about a show about a young couple

who is forced to live with her parents?

You Give Love a Dad Name.

What about Dad Manners?

Dad Lieutenant.

The Good, the Dad and the Ugly. Am I "the ugly"?

Doesn't matter. I think that wins.

No, I like You Give Love a Dad Name.

I'll pitch it at the next 'There's no bad ideas' round table

on Tuesday.

It's mostly bad ideas.

Hey, just to clarify...

...I never stopped loving YOU.

I just stopped loving the situation that we found ourselves in.

Oh.

I get it - you don't persuade someone to marry you

by becoming their parents.

And I don't want to live in reaction to mine.

I kind of figured out that...

...I sort of live my life the way that everybody else wants me to,

and I don't wanna be like that.

I just wanna do what we wanna do.

Exactly. What is it that we want to do again?

Well, hypothetically,

I think we want a wedding that feels like us.

I think we don't want to impress people

that aren't our people.

I think we want a wedding with cake and...

...balloons and a TARDIS.

A wedding like that would have been something.

Yeah.

Oh, well.

You know...

...we can still have that, Haley.

We just need to travel back in time to the beginning.

We could have balloons!

An irresponsible quantity of balloons.

How about...

...just two balloons,

and there might be room for more in the future?

Right.

Yes.

Future balloons.

I like that.

Me too.

How lovely to be getting married

in the exact spot where Ingrid and I got divorced.

Beautiful memories.

I can't believe you're about to oversee

a ritual designed to delegitimise

non-monogamous relationship structures.

I think maybe now's not the moment, Florence.

Alright. Always an excuse with you.

(WHISPERS) What I want is the rings. Oh, yeah.

Oh, dear. (LAUGHS)

Ah.

Ah, yes. Deep inner lining. That was strategic.

If you had lost those,

Mum would have married you just to divorce you again.

Like I say, Florence, not the time.

Would you please exchange your rings and vows?

I promise to love all of you,

because like a TARDIS,

you are bigger on the inside than on the outside,

and no-one in the galaxy has a bigger heart than you.

I promise to always agree that David Tennant and Tom Baker

are both equally great in the role of Doctor Who.

I promise to always say what I mean...

...even if it's ridiculous,

like, "Let's get married in a sports club in London."

But you did say that. Oh, yeah, I did say that.

But that's kind of, like, the style of the new me.

She's chaotic, but decisive. Mostly chaotic.

And I promise,

genuinely and sincerely...

...in a way that's completely dismantled my nervous system,

to trust this.

To trust us.

Lovely stuff.

Um, by the power not quite vested in me

by the Federation of Children's Books...

Don't worry, a registrar did the legal bits.

...I now pronounce you married.

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

Can I just say,

if you have children, I'm "Julian", not "Granddad".

Uh...

Congratulations, you two. You may now kiss the...

No, no, we're not doing that, are we?

Just kiss. Kiss each other.

(GIGGLES)

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

BOTH: # Was blind, but now I see. ?

You're welcome.

Uh. OK, look. Now, listen.

Just have a fantabulous time,

and, uh, the, uh, the drinks are on me.

Cheers!

Hang on, hang on, hang on, hang on! Hello!

Mother of the groom here.

I mean, none of you would be here, if it wasn't for me.

I just, um... Haley, we want to welcome you to the Hogan family.

We are gonna love and cherish you like you were one of our own.

Hear, hear!

Austin...

...I wanted you to know how proud I am of you today.

I was gonna write a speech, but then I found this.

It's a tribute that I wrote for you when you were three,

and it... it kind of says everything.

(READS) "When the road grew rough

"and the daylight thinned and the easy tracks were gone,

"you squared your shoulders, little mate,

"and quietly carried on.

"You never asked the world for much,

"just space to find your way.

"But there's a fire in the quiet ones that doesn't blow away."

I'm so proud of you.

? The best day of my life... ?

Mum. Congratulations, Halo.

Thank you.

A one Temazepam wedding. Oh!

If it was at home, it would have been at least a three.

Possibly a Valium with dessert.

Well, I will take that as a compliment.

Mmm. You should.

You were right to take this wedding out of my hands, darling.

I would have overcooked it.

Mum, you know how I got that job in production,

and you're Australia's greatest domestic goddess?

I'm aware of both those things.

Have you ever thought about a career in TV?

I'm thinking Australia's next Martha Stewart,

but with less prison.

Only every day.

OK, well, then I might pitch it at our next 'no bad ideas' meeting.

You've taught me well. I know.

I'm so proud of you. Thanks, Mum.

I would have gone with a bit more linen.

Mum, I said it once, and I'll say it again -

we're not gonna bring linen from Australia to London.

There are plenty of very fine haberdashery...

(BOTH LAUGH)

I'm not gonna lie to you, Julian.

There was a time I was feeling pretty homicidal toward you.

Oh! I even had a plan.

But from the ashes of that,

I met Hunter and couldn't be happier, so...

Oh, goodness. ...I should thank you.

I'm not going to, because you're a massive dick.

But if you weren't a dick, I would.

Jut to calibrate, are we talking past tense homicidal or...?

No.

There's still a bit of homicidal in there,

but it's more just like a hobby now.

Oh, good. Nice to be someone's hobby.

Uh, quick question - why are you here?

I'm here for love, Julian.

What?

I'm Hunter's plus one. Hey.

Yeah, well, I was Ingrid's plus one,

but now she's your plus one,

which kind of freed up my plus one.

Sorry, you took it upon yourself to recycle your plus one?

Yeah, that's it, Jules. Now you're gettin' it.

(SCOFFS) Wow.

Well, have a great night,

and I'll do my best not to get murdered.

(LAUGHS)

Do your best.

Are you having an amazing time? Yes.

I mean, come on. Austin and Haley, they are so right for each other!

Marriage does work for some people.

Well, every rule has its exceptions.

No, that's cheating.

Love you! Love you.

Hi.

I'm not gonna pretend that this is random,

because I was watching across the room,

and I thought, "That is someone who operates at a high level."

And I respect that, because I also operate at a high level.

Intriguing. In what way do you operate at a high level?

Well, the warehouse is my arena,

and what I do in there involves strategy

and timing and precision.

It's basically ballet with forklifts.

I actually love forklifts.

Yeah? Well, with this one, you could lose a finger.

I love that.

The threat of losing an appendage makes me feel really alive.

Yeah. Of course.

Ingrid! Ingrid! Yes, what? What? What?

We've just heard from Sam.

So... What? What?

Between the 30 or so text messages -

I mean, emojis, with the red lady dancing and the...

...and the champagne -

there's a contract for an eight book deal for Small Bear.

Ahh!

I know! (LAUGHS)

We're back! We're back!

And can I...can I just say that I had absolutely zero faith

that either of you could pull this off, so... Yeah.

Oh, don't. Oh, yuck! Don't do that.

Don't look sad, alright? You proved me wrong!

I'm gonna be drunk... drinking. Drinking at the bar.

We proved ourselves wrong. About lots of things.

We shouldn't have listened to ourselves.

Us is idiots. (CHUCKLES)

You is idiots.

You is quite an idiot as well.

Eight books! Eight book deal!

Eight book deal.

(POP MUSIC PLAYS)

? Come and give it to me, boy

? We can keep on lovin' if you got one

? I just made it fun, you know you want some... ?

The wedding turned out pretty well.

Yeah! I think minimal casualties.

Now all we have to worry about

is maintaining a healthy relationship

while navigating the maelstrom of five complicated parents.

Piece of cake, I think.

I mean, a tall cake, but cake nonetheless.

You think it'll be that easy? No, I don't.

That was sarcasm. I think it'll be hell.

But we will manage, regardless.

Yes, sarcasm.

I almost understand sarcasm.

Any minute now, I'll be speaking fluent neurotypical.

How about you just speak fluent you?

I think that works good for me. Sure thing.

(POP MUSIC CONTINUES)

Ah! How did the interview go?

I got the job. Ah! Congrats.

What is it? Can't really say.

It involves a lot of meetings,

some interstate travel and biscuits.

Ah, gotcha. So, you're in marketing?

It's classified.

ASIO.

Just thought they'd be taller.

Captions by Red Bee Media

Copyright Australian Broadcasting Corporation

Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0