Original subtitles

Many couples these days have a joint event.

BOTH: A huck's party!

Well, many couples these days shoot heroin into their eyeballs.

My heart skips a beat when I see...

Julian, obviously!

What I was wondering

is if you'd mind terribly h-having sex with me,

just to chase the spiders away. Oh.

(HUNTER SCREAMS)

That's his darts hand.

We are meant to be together.

Well, that worked.

Shall we tell Hunter the bad news?

(SNORES)

Sorry.

Don't be. It's more of an elegant whinny than a snore.

I actually find it comforting.

Plus, it keeps the spiders away.

No, I'm sorry I've jumped your bones again!

Oh!

I'm a bad, bad person!

No, no, you're a very bad person.

Thank you so much.

But I've got to stop doing this. I mustn't treat you like my fluffer.

Mustn't you? Because I'm sort of OK with it.

Are you though? Maybe this is what we both want.

What, a post-divorce affair?

I mean, that's such a cliche.

Well, I've always said that cliches skilfully deployed can,

through familiarity, convey real emotional truth.

The truth is that Hunter deserves better than this.

I mean, he's so sweet!

And he's flown all the way out to the other side of the world

just to be cuckolded by a man twice his age.

I think you'll find he's being cuckolded

by a woman twice his age.

It's slightly less than a third.

We actually get on really well, you know,

apart from the lack of sexual frisson.

True. And we're going to find our spark.

I mean, he's very handsome. He's very emotionally available.

He has very powerful hands.

You know, I haven't opened a door or a jam jar myself

in about three weeks.

How much jam are you eating?

So much more, now that I can get the lids off.

Well, if he needs any help,

now that he's done his hand in, maybe ask Cobb.

Shut up! (PHONE RINGS)

I mean, I haven't even had a post-divorce glow up.

Oh, bollocks!

He's had to hitchhike back from the hospital.

Oh, good, his thumb's OK, then.

This is the last time, OK?

Sure.

MRS HARPER: Three days to go,

so I thought I'd run you through my vision for the big day.

HAILEY: Your vision, again?

Yes, with cheese and champagne later.

No farm vehicles. Sorry, what?

No farm vehicles. What?

Mum, we want something heartfelt and intimate.

I can't hear you. You can hear me.

She can hear me.

And the groom dismounts.

OK, and we... we walk in together now?

Buh-buh-buh! Not yet.

As the string octet plays a rousing national anthem,

the groom makes his way to the bougainvillaea arch

to await the arrival on horseback of his beautiful bride.

Uh, did somebody say beautiful bride?

Uh-oh. I do.

Mm...

Mm! Mm...

Mm!

What do we think? Bloody brilliant!

You know, I always thought that open-mouth kissing

was best done in private,

but your affection for each other is quite inspiring.

I think that, you know, between the cockatoo release...

A visionary twist on white doves.

...and the hunting-rifle salute.

A regal touch.

Just aim away from the cockatoos!

Uh-oh.

Our Keith's in for the reception music.

Yes! Keith? Keith Urban?

Urban. Nic's invited too.

We're not taking sides.

We're praying for both their salvations equally.

Yeah, and that also -

the 300 guests that we don't know.

Which may have blown out by a couple of... hundred.

Yeah, it's too much. It's too much.

No, no, no. Way too much! Way too much!

Don't be silly, sweetheart, you deserve it.

Don't be silly.

Nothing is too much for our little...

...Halo. Dad...

And you can invite some of your friends too.

Just give me names and background checks first.

Background checks, seriously? They're her friends.

Right, Austin? Full disclosure, Haley.

I found the arrival on the all-terrain vehicle exhilarating!

And on this point, I agree with your parents.

You deserve to be spoiled.

You know what?

I'm really starting to love it here.

We love having you, Austin.

Now, why don't you go inside and make yourself some breakfast?

I whipped up my buttermilk pancakes, Austin.

Circular breakfast food! A woman after my own heart.

(GIGGLES)

You too, Haley.

I really just lost my appetite.

Mm!

(PIANO PLAYS IN DISTANCE)

Where's the piano?

What piano?

You don't hear the piano music?

Uh, Haley, are you OK?

? I'm totally fine... (PIANO PLAYS)

? If you define being fine

? As the feeling you might get if your plane was going down

? Smoke and flames are all around

? And you didn't pay attention to the safety demonstration

? Well, if that's how you would describe being fine

? Then, alright, I'm totally fine...

So everything's not fine.

What?

No, Like I said...

? I'm totally fine

? Fine!

? If your version of the word is something similar to dread

? Like you're lying in your bed and sleep paralysis kicks in

? It's kind of like you're trapped inside your very own skin

? And even though you try to scream and shout

? Nothing comes out

? No-one can hear your cries

? Alright, I'm fine

? I'm absolutely, totally fine

? If it's all too much and the truth is kind of scary

? I'd rather be airy fairy

? And say I'm totally

? Fine. ?

I'm getting the distinct impression that you're not fine.

What?

Seriously? Austin, did you not just hear a word I said?

On the contrary, I couldn't not hear.

The lyrics were disturbing and that song was quite captivating.

What lyr...? The song...

See, this is exactly what I'm talking about.

I just feel like nobody's listening to me!

Haley... I just need some space.

You OK, sweetheart? How's the groomzilla?

Normally, I'd object to that assertion,

but I'm having a rather dramatic moment.

Did nobody else hear Haley perform

a West End-style musical number just now?

It's a totally normal question, by the way.

If you see Haley, send her my way.

We're on a tight schedule to finish linen selection

and wildflower collection

and final fittings and champagne tasting,

while cooking the entire wedding banquet from scratch.

So nobody heard her sing?

Haley? No, she doesn't sing.

$10,000 on private lessons with Tina Arena,

but apparently church karaoke is lame.

You need to find her, Austin, and get on the same page.

I can help out here. No, that's a diabolical idea.

You're a guest.

Which reminds me -

don't be tempted by my berry sauce just yet,

or else you'll invite the devil in.

Its deeply hallucinogenic until properly cooked.

Oh, no!

Ooh.

? Satan likes it hot inside my berry sauce

? He'll make you see and hear things

? He's a psychedelic force

? But if you simmer long enough, he'll go the hell away

? So Mama brings the heat

? Satan, oh, not today. ?

Mm.

Not yet.

AI ASSISTANT: (OVER PHONE) Yes, when consumed,

certain berries can cause visual and auditory hallucinations,

including interpersonal interactions experienced as musical numbers.

Hm! Brilliant.

Well, I'd make the most of that.

So, am I singing now? No, Dad, you're not singing.

It's a rite of passage, isn't it?

I remember I got a band together with a few uni mates

back in the late '80s, and we played some pub gigs,

and then the next thing we know

we're winning Southampton Battle Of The Bands.

And then the ruddy shrooms wear off,

I realise I've failed my A-levels

and I'm living at home with my parents.

Mental.

I'm singing now, aren't I? You're still not singing.

Oh, your loss.

I've actually got quite a distinctive timbre

in the upper registers... Dad,

I'm finding the whole thing pretty disconcerting, to be honest.

Oh, I get it, son.

You know, I mean, in that case, just relax.

Ride it out. It's bound to wear off soon.

Just don't go signing any contracts

or making any life-changing decisions.

I'm getting married in three days, for God's sake!

Quick question, AI - how long will it take to wear off?

Given the amount consumed,

your body mass and penchant for musicals,

the predicted duration of effect

is five hours 43 minutes, 11 seconds.

See? You're gold.

It'll wear off... plenty of time before the wedding.

Can we keep this just between us?

If my future mother-in-law finds out about this,

she'll think I'm under demonic influence,

and Haley's already annoyed at me for not listening.

Sure. Your secret's safe with me, son.

You know, and if you need anything,

a tenor, a haunting falsetto, perhaps...

Still not..?

No. OK.

INGRID: Aw...

Aw! Thank you.

But are you... Are you alright, though?

Yeah, yeah, I'm OK.

Oh, Hunter!

So great you pulled through.

Um... Shame about the, um, darts career.

It's alright, mate. I've got other passions.

Ingrid, hi. Hello.

Very well, thank you, um, if you were asking,

sleep... sleep-wise. Oh, sorry, yes.

I haven't slept a wink.

(CHUCKLES)

One whiff of a wedding bouquet and I'm buzzing

Until the I do's are done and dusted.

So, so much to do!

Can we help at all, or...? Oh, yeah!

I did an ikebana course in Kyoto.

You two? Absolutely not.

I have everything under control.

I wouldn't dream of interrupting your very important work

of making art for babies.

Our audience is more sophisticated preschooler.

Sorry. Big babies.

Um, I think we'd probably better get back to it.

Don't you? It?

Oh, yeah. Uh, we're on the verge of, uh,

a really massive breakthrough. Creatively.

Yeah. That's awesome!

Do you know what I've just realised?

The only difference between darts and the arts...

Is it D?

Great minds! Great minds. Ha!

Do you guys need any help spitballing?

Oh, I think I can manage with the, uh, spitballing.

Yeah, good.

Take... so much care.

OK.

Hey, Lily.

I'm finding the scene pretty overwhelming.

It could be helpful, though, because most people don't often

say what they really think, which is annoying and confusing.

But in songs,

people sing their feelings out loud, like Haley did.

(MOOS)

Thanks, Lily. You're a really great listener.

Haley, I apologise about earlier. You were right.

I wasn't really hearing you.

And I'll do my best to listen better in future.

Thanks, Austin.

Now, I'll, uh, resume giving you your requested space.

Or you could, um,

help me pick out the linen colour.

OK, but they're all just white.

Just white?

Please, let me explain.

? 50 shades of white

? We've just got to get it right

? Should we go pure natural or ice? Hm...

? Ivory and pearl are all so nice...

? I concur.

? Antique or alabaster, pearl, champagne or frost?

? Eggshell, eggwhite, eggs and bacon...

Wait! I'm lost.

? Porcelain or natural number two...

There really are a few.

? Although cream is quite lovely too...

Just how many shades of...

? 50 shades of white

? But which one will I choose?

Mum!

? Which one will WE choose?

? 50 shades of white ? How about a touch of fuchsia?

? Soft, muted or bright ? Or maybe teal is cuter?

? Keep it understated

? But that's so outdated

? This shade is worth exploring

? Don't want my wedding to be boring...

Boring?

You say boring, I say wholesome and traditional.

Yes, thank you, Austin.

? Don't be too showy

? Just keep it clean and snowy

? After all, it ain't right if it ain't white

? It's not racist if it's linen

? So I'll keep on singing

? 50 shades of white! ?

I think I'm leaning this one on the right.

Classic eggshell.

Excellent choice.

You think I'm boring? No.

What's boring is you sucking up to my mum.

What happened to us being a united front?

I can't help it if she's right.

Austin, you are the most fascinating,

gorgeous, perfect person that I've ever met.

Well, now we agree.

But this just does not feel like our wedding.

This feels...

It feels wrong.

Are you saying you don't want to marry me?

No. Yes, no. Of course I want to marry you.

Well, it seems that we need to talk.

Yes, I agree.

But talking is proving difficult at the moment.

Perhaps we can converse without accompaniment in...

...4 hours, 12 minutes, 36 seconds?

That's very specific.

OK.

(SIGHS)

JULIAN: Oof!

Aren't they a bit hot?

What, these little things?

You've had an opportunity to reinvent yourself

and this is where you've landed - vapes and fingerless gloves.

Lingerie for the hands, don't you think?

You're just doing this because I said I liked Hunter's hands.

Hand. Sorry.

Is it too soon? No, no, no, it's all good.

That's what I'm here for - to lend a hand.

Stepmother.

Austin! Hey, what's with the, um...

Oh, um, I'm wearing these earmuffs for reasons that I can't disclose,

reasons that have also led me to believe that Haley

is having second thoughts about the wedding.

So I thought I could learn from other people's mistakes,

namely, yours.

Well, which mistakes in particular?

Yeah, a real cornucopia to choose from.

Hey, if you guys are gonna take a time out,

I'll, uh...

...I'll just keep brainstorming. I'm in a flow.

BOTH: OK.

Listen, Austin,

it's perfectly normal to have second thoughts.

Yeah. Or even third or fourth thoughts.

Marriage is one long process of overthinking.

Yeah, and it's not for everyone.

Marriage, it's such a thing!

It's like... Ungh! It can be.

And being out of marriage, it's just like, "Ah!"

And also, I think, a bit cooler. Really cooler.

Um, so don't sweat it, you know?

Thanks, but I'm not entirely sure

if we're still talking about me and Haley,

so, no offence,

but I think I might consult a second opinion.

Yeah. Fair enough. Um, Austin...

(WHISPERS) Was I singing?

You were great, Dad. More Noel Gallagher than Sting.

Anytime, fellow-my-lad.

Ha-ha!

I've got it!

The dart that believes he's a javelin.

BOTH: Hm...

Man, writing's tough. I'm knackered.

Ah, Bill. Uh, shovel. Here.

Ah, your grandmother wore earmuffs and mittens to our wedding.

Seems cold feet affects all the extremities.

I'm not the one with cold feet, Grandad.

What can we do you for, Austin? Arm wrestle?

No, thanks. A full body wrestle? Uh, man to man.

Man to man to man. That's three of us.

Bags go in the middle. What?

I was more hoping to ask the Harpers for some advice.

While some have described you as right-wing climate deniers...

Ah, stop it.

You both seem to have a happy marriage,

and I'm worried that Haley isn't happy.

Well, you're spot on about that, son.

She is...

She's homesick. For London or Canberra?

No, love. For here.

(COUNTRY MUSIC PLAYS)

Of course you have a song about it.

Grandad, I didn't know you played!

Neither did I.

? Rural living in a rural town

? Is rural, rural, rural nice...

(CHICKEN SQUAWKS)

? The sky's so blue and the grass so green

? It's a rural peaceful paradise

? The air is rural clean and the people rural friendly

? We rural love each other and we say it so tenderly

? We've never been so happy

? Just ask anyone, they'll say

? We ru-ru-rural love our sheep

? But in a wholesome way

? Whereas living in the city can be eminently shitty

? With your traffic jams and seedy nightclubs...

I bet they're all on drugs!

? We're not keen beans on your vaccines

? We're not enthusiastic

? About all your microplastics

? From farm to plate, we're completely self-sustained

? So when society collapses

? We'll still drink champagne

? That's why rural living in a rural town

? Is rural, rural nice

? It's rural nice to farm and it's rural nice to hunt

? Whereas living in the city can be a total

? Constant source of marital tension

? So make some rural babies with your rural lovely wife

? And come and live

? The rural, rural, rural life

? Rural life! ?

Well, when you put it like that! (COW MOOS)

Austin, love, we know our Halo better than anyone,

and ever since you proposed,

she's been feeling her real home slipping away for good.

Yes, she's afraid of losing herself.

Well, all this.

He's got a point there, Austin.

Thanks for that, I appreciate it.

(WHISPERS) 2 hours, 13 minutes. Great!

Uh, Mum, could you please refrain from singing?

Fine. I just came to see if you'd talked to Haley yet.

Actually, it's all good.

My new parental figures just provided

some sound relationship advice in a very catchy and persuasive way.

Oh, well, I'm here if you need an old parental figure.

(SIGHS) Well, to the hopefully happy couple,

Haley and Austin. Yes, of course.

Well, we may not have come up with the second brilliant idea

of our careers, but I've certainly missed this.

Mm. And, uh, what is it about, um...

...this you've missed exactly?

(WHISPERS) So soft.

Untouched by manual labour or sporting pursuits.

Real thinking man's hands.

Also, I mean, next to all those annoying hunks,

you're just so... refreshingly...

...gorgeously...

...wimpy and small.

That's it! That's the idea!

It's been in front of our faces the whole time!

Oh, it's brilliant! You're brilliant!

You're brilliant. Oh, brilliant.

You are brilliant. Oh, my God, you're brilliant.

Alrighty, who needs a top up?

Great, yeah. First the hand, now the heart.

What about a creative throuple?

No.

No. No!

No. Hunter!

Oh, God. Oh, God!

Oh, God.

Oh, God...

Hm...

Extraordinary. Classic, sophisticated,

but with detail for the local audience.

I love it. Oh, sweetheart, you look gorgeous!

Thanks.

No, thank you. I'm good, thanks.

Looks almost as dashing as it did on Cobb on our wedding day.

Almost as if that strapping, red-blooded young buck

is in the room with us right now.

I'm getting a little flushed just thinking about it.

I see.

Now, Austin, the groom...

Must, under no circumstances, lay eyes on the bridal gown

BOTH: ..before the big day.

Nothing wrong with a little sneak peek.

God said thou shalt NOT sneak peek.

Haley, coming!

(EXHALES)

The dress we've always dreamed of, Halo.

Oh, it's a lot.

Hand-sewn by me, using fabric from my own wedding dress,

which used fabric from my mother's dress,

which used fabric from my mother's mother's dress

in a cascade of bridal mothers.

We get the picture. Across generations.

Haley, what do you think?

Mum, this really isn't the dress we talked about.

It's better. You're welcome.

And we did talk about it.

You signed off on this in the early noughties.

I was four!

That's not who I am any more.

Austin! Coming!

Yeah, I really need you to back me up here.

On what? On me looking like this!

As tempting as it is,

I'm under strict instructions not to look.

And you don't have to change who you are for me, Haley.

Austin, we really need to talk. I agree.

And I'd love to chat in approximately...

...3 minutes 42 seconds.

Yeah, I can't do this. I can't marry you.

The wedding is off!

Mum!

Oh, stunning. Just like her mother.

And your mother's mother.

Haley, wait! And her mother's mother's mother...

It was selfish of me to expect you to move to London.

Truth is, I've grown to really love it here.

The fresh air, the space, Lily the cow.

I can't ask you to give up all of that.

Austin...

No, I should have done this so your parents could be there

for our special moment the first time.

Haley, will you please still marry me?

And after that, move out here,

build a life together and always be rural happy?

And about your dress -

you're the most beautiful woman that I've ever seen, Halo.

Austin, I don't want to live here.

I moved away from here so that I wouldn't end up like my parents!

No offence, guys. Some taken.

Well, that's a relief.

So, although I may be entirely dressed as your father...

You're turning into my mother.

Less of a relief.

I know she's hard to say no to, Austin,

but you just agree with everything she says.

I resent that assertion because it's not true.

Alright, I admit it!

I resent it because it is true.

What about the way you've been treating your own mum?

I mean, what is that?

You're blowing her off and taking her for granted?

Is that how you're gonna treat your future wife, too?

Oh, and by the way, your best friend, Lily the cow,

Mum's making slow-cooked beef

with berry sauce for the wedding banquet.

What?!

A song revealing everyone's inner thoughts

might be helpful right about now.

? I love you, but

? This should be easy...

It's just a wedding!

? No big deal for me

? I love you

? But we're on different pages

? And this is only the beginning of our story

? Disagree

? When we should stand

? As one

? We're meant to be a team

? But I don't know

? Whose side you're on

? How can we plan a life

? If we can't plan one day, one night?

? And what if I love you, but

? Just isn't enough?

I'm taking the camembert.

? I love you

? But I've discovered

? I want to tell the difference

? Between my husband and my mother...

Oh, Haley, really!

? And it's not your fault

? That you can't read my mind

? But this is where I'm scared

? We'll keep colliding

? What if we can't meet halfway

? And bitterness grows day by day?

? Would we say we should have seen the signs

? Wishing we could turn back time

? And never have said "I do"?

? 'Cause what if I love you

? But you know that I love you

? What if I love you, but

? Just isn't... ?

(PHONE RINGS)

...enough?

But I love you, Haley.

I'm sorry, Austin, but it's over.

Well, inner thoughts are overrated.

Go, be free, Lily.

I intend to win Haley back,

whatever it takes.

Numerically, the chances of us

getting back together are,

I don't know, 7%.

7%! 7%!

7?

If I gain a percentage point every week,

I should be able to win Haley back

by one year and five sixths.

You're going to be the very first person

to hear our new idea.

So the title is...

Ingrid.

Captions by Red Bee Media

Copyright Australian Broadcasting Corporation

Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0