Original subtitles

I am here to formally request your permission

to marry your daughter. Request denied.

You don't get a say in who I choose to marry.

Left field thought. We continue this in Australia.

This is really going to get the creative juices flowing.

I mean, I suppose technically there's no reason

why it would be any easier to come up with an idea here than at home.

You're probably pining for your lover. You know, for Hunter.

Ha! He's flown all the way out here

to see me.

I just couldn't stand the thought of the two of us being apart.

Lily, my fine friend,

I trust you'll find this herbivore mix

herby more-ish.

Don't groan, Lily. I can make puns until the cows come home.

Good morning, Goose Willis.

I think we have achieved a level of mutual respect.

(GOOSE HONKS)

I'm out of here.

Wow.

You're certainly getting better with the animals.

Yes, I'm merely uncomfortable rather than in a permanent state of terror.

(GOOSE HONKS) Come on.

I can't believe you flew from the other side of the world

just to see me. I mean, that is...

It's the most romantic thing anyone's ever done for me.

23-hour flight time. $1,000 for a one way ticket.

That's $43 an hour. That's how much you mean to me.

Slightly less romantic now, but... (CHUCKLES)

Were you alright on the sofa?

I got to sleep next to one of the most artistic women in the world.

So, uh, yeah, I slept just fine.

I think I'm just struggling to adjust from Julian.

I mean, you know, the kind of thing he'd say to me in the morning?

He'd say, "You wouldn't believe how much of your hair

"I've had to fish out of the shower."

I wouldn't say that. I haven't had a shower yet.

You know, wet wipes, they work absolute wonders.

I reckon... I reckon you're getting over Jules.

Yeah.

Julian, how's, the children's book idea coming along?

I've always imagined writing a children's book

must be incredibly quick and easy.

It's slightly more complicated than that.

Don't you just take a common farm animal and ask the question,

what if it passed wind a lot?

Well, that is a well-trodden path with celebrity authors, but...

Well, Ingrid and I have a great new idea, don't we?

Oh, yeah. Yeah.

Alfie The Anxious Crayon.

Why is the crayon anxious?

Mhm. See, in my day, crayons weren't anxious.

If you wanted to draw an aeroplane

or your family in front of your house,

or your mortal enemy lying in a pool of their own blood,

the crayon would do the job

and not whinge, just like a crayon should.

OK? Dad.

Sorry.

I feel a podcast episode coming on, darling.

I'll schedule it and update the socials.

What a wife.

Big day today. Mhm.

Bucks and hens parties.

Men doing men things. Women doing women things.

Setting the tone for the marriage.

Actually, um...

Many couples these days have a joint event

combining bucks and hens...

BOTH: A hucks party!

Well, many couples these days shoot heroin into their eyeballs.

So should you do that, too, perhaps?

I hope the answer you're expecting is no.

A hucks is simply wrong.

Well, we want a joint event.

What do people even do at a... hucks?

Get hammered on hucks fizz?

Sorry. That is actually the worst joke I've ever made.

Point of information. It actually isn't.

(ALL LAUGH)

Well, these two hucks want a board game night.

Like Monopoly and Cluedo?

Dad, I think you've missed about 50 years of board game development.

The new ones will blow your mind!

Mum, Dad...

Austin wants a hucks party and as his future wife to be,

don't I have to accept his decision?

Oh, come on, Haley.

Oh, I think that it would be a very bad start to the marriage

if I don't accede to my husband's natural authority.

Maybe that's where we went wrong. Is it?

No. Absolutely not.

If it's what Austin wants... It's what Austin demands.

Sorry. Sorry.

Well, if that's the case, then...

you shall have your hucks.

We'll sort the details. Toys and everything.

AUSTIN AND HAYLEY: Board games! Bored is right.

And low alcohol intake so strategy will remain unimpeded.

(CAR HORN HONKS)

The distinctive horn and high emission smell of the Winnebago.

Mum and Grandad are here!

(CAR HORN HONKS CONTINUOUSLY)

A little job for you, Julian. Mm.

I need you to go down town and procure us some meat.

Maybe if I got back on the dating scene that'd help me move on.

What do you think? You might be right.

I'm mostly thinking about meat. No. Sure.

Uh, what sort of meat? How much?

There. It's all there. The butcher's store in town.

Good man.

Mum! Austin, love.

I've missed you so much!

She spent the whole journey insisting she wasn't going to cry.

"Fat chance", I said!

Mum, this is Haley's mother.

I know that you two are gonna get on well.

And if not, you're both polite enough to pretend.

(LAUGHS) Lesley.

I've heard so much about you.

Mel. I've also heard that you were coming.

I trust you'll enjoy a relaxing stay at our modest ranch.

Oh, I'm here to help with the wedding planning.

So you just say the word.

I think we have everything covered, but I'll remember that.

OK, but holler if something comes up.

I will, though it won't.

If it does. Unlikely.

Just give us a shout. A woman never raises her voice.

Now let's find somewhere for you to park.

Oh, no. The Winnie's fine here.

It's very... visible.

She's a beaut. I'll be sleeping in it.

In the night, if nature calls,

I can roll out of bed, roll to the porta potty and roll back.

I've got it down to microseconds like a Formula 1 pit stop.

(MEL LAUGHS NERVOUSLY) G'day!

He's here.

Nice to meet you, Bill.

He touched me. Actual Cobb Harper touched my hand.

Look, I might need a lie down.

Good news is, it's not far to go.

It's staying there, is it? Yes, it is.

Good.

Sorry, are you, um... No, go ahead.

What can I do you for, mate? Ah, yes. Thank you.

I would very much like...

Uh. Goodness. Um. Let me see. There's 1,2,3,4,5,6,7...

So eight of us in total.

Uh, what would you suggest?

Um...

He'll have the large mixed tray, Craig.

Thank you. Yes. Large mixed tray.

Julian. Kezza.

Spot of advice... Don't spend too long choosing

unless you want to end up on display.

Uh, I wouldn't mind if you were on display.

Are you saying Craig should slaughter me?

God, no. I meant you were nice to look at.

Um, if I'm allowed to say that, probably not.

Oh, my God, I'm so, so sorry.

So that was you trying to flirt with me?

An attempt. Yes. Followed by a swift retreat.

Soon to be followed by several hours of deep regret.

Possibly a call from her legal team. First time in a while, I'm guessing.

Yeah, it's been about 30 years, actually.

Uh, keep the change. Thank you.

You know, you're so bad at this. It's kind of fun.

Why don't you ask me if I want to go for coffee?

Kezza, would you like to go for a coffee?

Get lost, you creep!

I'm kidding, I'm kidding.

There's a nice place around the corner.

Come on, bring your meat.

Yeah.

Wow.

You're a doctor.

I mean, not that I assumed you'd have a lesser job.

I mean... I love it.

But when a wrong call can mean the difference between life and death,

that can be pretty stressy.

I can imagine. Mhm.

You know, my job can be pretty stressful, too, actually.

Oh. What do you do?

I am a children's author. Ta-da.

And, um. Yeah, you know,

sometimes you have a school visit, but they only have plain biscuits.

And, I mean, you can't complain

because you've got to shift the books, and...

Well, I guess it's not exactly the same.

Um, and what do you do outside work? Ultramarathons.

Bareback horse riding. I'm bareback, not the horse.

Technically, I'm bare fronted as well.

It's very liberating. You?

Do you know what? I think... Oh, my goodness,

I've just seen the time.

And this meat ain't gonna refrigerate itself, so...

Aren't you gonna ask me? Ask you what?

Ask me to marry you.

He-he. Ha.

Oh, come on, Julian, you bought me coffee.

We've shopped for meat together.

That's pretty much a courtship around these parts.

And I've really got to... Sorry. Can I just check something?

Are you messing with me?

Just a little. Ah!

(LAUGHS) Or am I?

You are. There...

(LAUGHS)

I don't know what to do with my face.

Uh. Goodbye.

Alright, quick sticks! Cars are here. Thank you.

And remember, we're all playing board games.

Hey.

Heard you had a hot date.

Well, I wouldn't exactly call it that.

Well, I'm so happy for you.

Alright, Austin over there.

Julian, you follow him, please.

Ingrid, you can go in here. Hunter. Over there.

Bill. Thank you. Over that way.

Ha! No. You're in here. Please.

We'll see you there. See you, darlings.

Men do it all the time, by the way. All the time.

All the men are in one car. All the women in the other.

What are the odds?

1 in 126. Darts players have to be good with their numbers.

Some say we're the cleverest of all sportsmen.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Or it could just be a highly unlikely coincidence.

Uh, could someone, in particular you, Mum,

tell me what's going on?

Darling, you deserve to have a proper hens.

And Austin needs a proper separate bucks.

Consider this an intervention. What?

I was looking forward to spending time with my boy

before he's officially a married man.

I don't want an intervention. Thank you, though.

Nobody ever wants one.

That's what makes them interventions.

Duh!

As you young people say.

Everybody, phones in the bag.

Come on! Yes!

And blindfolds on!

Sweetheart. Your father and I have gone to

considerable effort and expense.

So please succumb to your kidnapping.

Oh!

Alright, ladies, blindfolds off!

Nnnnow!

What is this?

Is this the outback? It is not how I imagined.

It's like that film. Um... Gorillas In The Mist.

Axes. Barbecue...

Beer!

Meat!

(GASPS) Breasts on wood!

This is actually a very clever subversion of hen night tropes.

Lesley, I'm surprised and impressed.

No, no, this is for the bucks.

Oh-ho my God.

You had a plan. And Dad screwed it up, didn't he?

And put us in the wrong cars!

Mum! This is ridiculous! Just call him and call it off.

Sure!

When the driver comes back with our phones in six hours.

So where are we supposed to be?

Welcome to Pink Puppy Hall,

where your wildest requests will be met.

We are honoured to serve charcuterie boards

and bottomless cocktails for your delight

while you practise your portraiture.

And now, may I introduce your model, Frederico?

This is excitingly gender non-conforming.

Bugger! If you don't see another one for a few years,

you start to tell yourself yours is normal size.

Some might.

I told that hire company the men were in the front car, clear as day,

and then your bloody Winnebago turns up

like it's filming its own special and wrecks everything.

Oh, get away.

Wow. Cobb Harper personally blaming me for something.

Well, since it was your plan, maybe it is a tiny little bit your fault.

I said, it's not my fault.

No, no... No, no, no.

Not at all, no. Yes?

Idea. What?

Well, you know, we could ask to use the phone at this place,

if that's OK.

And call the car company and go to where the girls are.

I mean, there's none of them here,

so I feel brave enough to call them girls.

Then once we're together, we can have a hucks,

as Haley and I intended.

Exactly. A hucks?

No way. No. Come on.

We're going to paint pictures,

as men have done together since the dawn of time,

in caves, in the temples of Sparta.

And Pink Puppy Hall.

I quite like being out in the middle of nowhere.

No phones, no one to bother us.

It's really quite peaceful.

Woo! Woo!

Woo. Thanks, Mum.

You managed to perfectly hijack our hucks.

Ingrid, pass me a beverage, please.

Actually, make that two.

Julian, why aren't you painting?

I write. Ingrid handles the pictures.

Yeah. She is so damn talented.

Yes. We've established that you like her.

Austin told me about Alfie The Anxious Crayon.

I just need to crack why he's anxious,

then I've got a hit book.

Well, I think I know.

Because of the Crayon Killer, stalking Crayon Town,

melting his victims, leaving only pools of wax.

And Alfie's terrified

but plagued by dreams in which he kills and kills again.

Great stuff.

I-I think it might be a bit dark for a kids book.

Well, what if he just farts a lot?

You know, it's depressing, but that kind of works.

Just going to the men's room!

Good steak? Mm.

Yeah. Great spread for a vegan.

Mm. Your dad left some coleslaw.

Which is made from yoghurt, which is made from cows.

Like I told you, not vegan. Cows live on grass...

That's not... ...which means they're vegan animals.

...how it works. Mum... I've got an idea.

We don't have a bottle, but let's play spin the tinnie.

Is that appropriate?

Yeah, it's a bit 1980s, don't you reckon?

What's wrong with that? Nothing.

If I'm not getting a say in this wedding,

at least let me organise spin the tinnie.

Yeah, I played a lot of this when I was at art school in Vienna.

I snogged all my roommates.

I snogged practically the whole floor

and three of my professors.

I was talking about the Truth or Dare version.

(SHRIEKS) Whoa-ho!

Alright. Exciting.

Ingrid. Yeah?

Complete the sentence. Yes.

My heart skips a beat when I see...

Julian, obviously. (GASPS)

Hunter, I meant Hunter! I meant Hunter.

No. I've got... No, I've just got muscle...

...muscle memory, so my tongue said Julian,

but I was... I was thinking Hunter.

Hit me. Four monorail cards,

three mining cards and a rocket card.

Austin, what are you doing in the servants ar...?

I mean, the staff area?

Oh. Hey, Dad. Mitchell and I started talking,

and it turns out he loves board games, too.

I keep Lunar Metro

just in case one of the hens groups want a game,

which... hasn't happened once before today.

You want to play?

We have frequent toilet breaks cover.

We can keep it on the down low.

Cobb would really not like that.

OK. Yeah. Deal me in.

(TEARFULLY) See, it was...

It was me who believed he could be independent,

you know, when everyone else didn't.

And now he is.

And he's making his own life.

And that means leaving his mum behind.

I never realised quite how much it would hurt,

that's all.

Can I just say, you are the most amazing mum.

But the question was...

Yeah.

...can you suck your own toes?

Oh.

Yeah.

Oh! Whoa!

Pretty good.

My God!

(CHEERING AND SHRIEKING)

(SLURPING)

You have a physique, my friend.

I admire it in a highly heterosexual way.

Zero arousal, just to clarify.

Alright. Well, men, what do we think of...?

Men?

Where the bloody hell are my men?

Inspectors from Earth.

Your magnetic rail has closed for maintenance.

I think you'll find those inspectors are closing your shuttle port.

(LAUGHTER)

Hang on a second. Hang on. Moon hotel fees.

That's 100 big ones, boys. How do you do it?

Ah! Alright then. What is that?

We're playing Lunar Metro.

Is consistently voted in the top five space transit games.

We are adult males at a bucks.

You will go back in there and you will drink your mimosas

and you will paint Federico's abs like men.

You could join us, Mr Harper.

Yay! Love to.

Thank you. How you like this move?

Whoa!

Oh! Wow.

Put my board down.

Oh, do you mean this board?

Oh!

(SHOUTS)

Guys! Guys!

Hey, hey, hey. Whoa, whoa, guys.

Hey, hey, hey. Kick him in the ghoulies, Cobb!

Come on, come on. That's enough. That's enough.

Scratch his eyes out!

This is totally unnecessary. Stop it!

(OVERLAPPING SHOUTS)

Guys, stop it!

(GROWLS)

(SCREAMS)

Oh! (GASPS)

That's his darts hand.

It's so horrible I feel if I look at it, I'll faint.

Then don't look at it.

Oh.

And he looked at it.

? Come a-waltzing Matilda with me... ?

I've got something to say.

Oh! Oh, my God!

Are you gonna do that?

Yes, I do. Haley! Mum.

Up you get. Don't be shy. I'm shy.

(ALL LAUGH)

Oh. Now, listen.

I know we're different

and I know sometimes that's difficult...

Mum, don't.

...but you are the best thing that ever happened to me.

Mum! And I love you with all my heart.

I love you too, Mummy. (PHONE RINGS)

Aw!

Am I drunk? Can I hear...?

It's a phone.

(PHONE RINGS)

Secret phone. For emergencies.

Well, Mum, why didn't you call anyone

when we got stranded here?

Because I knew you'd hate me after I took your phone off you.

I cannot believe that you have done this.

Sh!

Cobb.

How can I be of service?

(DISTANT SIRENS WAIL)

(GASPS)

Oh, my God!

Wow.

You OK? Come on.

Dad. How is he?

We're waiting on a medical update.

Oh, my God, it's her.

Julian? Hi.

Sorry, just comforting my son.

Uh, how is he? I'm afraid he's gone.

What?

I know it's very sad. Very sad.

But he did live a very long life.

And at such an advanced age, we can never tell...

Wait, wait. This is the guy

with the paintbrush through his hand, yeah?

Mm...

Sorry. It's been a very long shift.

You mean Hunter? Paintbrush guy?

The brush missed all of his tendons. Thank God.

Thank God. Thank God.

I think I needed to speak to those people.

(CLEARS THROAT)

Mm. So what do we do now?

Wait, I guess. Or...? I think I have to wait.

I'm just going to lie down.

(WHISPERS) Ingrid. (GASPS)

I've got a confession to make.

Oh...

And this is coming right from the heart.

Oh?

Alfie The Anxious Crayon,

I'm not sure it's the solid gold book idea we hoped.

Julian, I'm so glad you said something,

'cause I've been thinking exactly the same thing,

but I was worried it was just me.

It's just not our absolute best. No, I think...

I think it might be our very, very worst.

I don't think it's that bad. Yeah. No. It's dire.

I think it's woeful. It's atrocious.

I think it's... Bit of an exaggeration.

...very disappointing. I mean, it's actually...

It's got potential. It's just poor.

But what's good is you're being honest about it.

That's new for you, isn't it? Kind of.

It's hot.

Hot? Warm.

Warm. Yeah, yeah. That's what I aim for, warm.

My turn to be honest about something.

Oh.

I haven't actually managed to sleep with Hunter yet.

What?

You know, I want to, but I just can't go through with it.

And, you know, it's so unlike me. I'm always up for it.

I just don't know what's happened.

I just feel like, I don't know, I've turned frigid or, I don't know,

my libido has got two planks nailed over the front

like an abandoned goldmine.

I'm not sure what I can do about that.

Well, what I was wondering is

if you'd mind terribly ha-having sex with me

just to, you know, chase the spiders away,

see if it all works. Oh...

You know, just jumpstart the old engine kind of thing.

OK. Well, if that's what you want, yeah, certainly.

Actually, that's a terrible idea. Forget I said anything.

Yeah...

I am open to... Actually, please, just...

So while are we wait, how about a game of Ludo?

The ladies and gentlemen playing a board game together.

This is our hucks!

Now-now we've said, haven't we...

Technically, Mr Harper, you and Mrs Harper said.

Dad, I think you owe us a hucks

after everything that's happened today.

Right. I'm not saying

that the two-car split was a mistake,

and it's not my fault that the brush

went through his hand.

It was the result of an unavoidable man's sandwich.

But alright, have your way.

Let's play Ludo. (GROANS)

Hi, Julian.

Here's my number. I get up at 3am.

There's a bar that does lock-ins.

Get your drinking legs on.

I'm coming for you.

One. Two. Three. Boom! Gotcha!

Come on, you Reds! Dad, that is amazing.

For a man who banned board games

at our house to keep us safe, amazing.

Incredible. You could go pro.

I always suspected I had talent. Nice to have it confirmed.

Thank you, Haley.

Dad, it's your turn. Oh, yeah. Sorry.

(ALL CHEER)

What should I do? Which one are you gonna choose?

Indeed.

Hm.

Oh.

Excuse me. He keeps asking for Ingrid.

Oh. Are you Ingrid?

Yeah.

(GROANS)

Oh. Hey, Ingrid.

Hello. Oh, Hunter!

Your hand! Mmm. Yeah.

But the doctor says that you're gonna be

back playing darts in under a month,

so you've just got to hang on to that positive energy, yeah?

You know, it's true what they say

when you have a near-death experience.

It wasn't a near death experience.

It really brings everything into focus.

Ingrid. Yeah?

We are meant to be together.

Come live with me.

Uh, I just don't think we should rush into any-any decisions right now

because you're-you're quite heavily sedated.

Yeah. Oh, by the way, I was thinking,

what do you think about this?

I was thinking I should get a tattoo on my chest of my heart,

but the heart's gonna be...

it's gonna be designed like a dart board

and in the... in the treble 20, it's gonna say...

...Ingrid.

Did you know that dart rhymes with heart?

Yeah. Shh.

Shut up. Just shut up.

Good morning, Goose Willis.

I trust breakfast is to your satisfaction.

Morning. Morning, Haley.

That is the night that I won't forget.

Yeah. Hucks at a hospital. (CHUCKLES)

I see you've made best friends with Goose Willis, then.

He's not so bad. And you know what, Haley?

Now that I've been here for a few days,

I've gotten a lot more used to the whole area.

It's kind of gorgeous.

(LAUGHS) Yeah.

Try being a teenager here.

Back then, we had Goose Lee. He was deadly.

All the same, I'm beginning to feel at home.

Well, I'm glad you're feeling comfortable here,

but just try not to feel too at home.

Sure.

Oh.

Morning. Morning.

Mm. You've got a grey hair. Will you pluck it out?

Yeah, I think I'd need pliers for that.

Well, that worked. Yes.

Consider the planks on that goldmine

well and truly removed.

I hope you don't feel too used.

That was the best bit.

(CHUCKLES)

So... it wasn't that.

Clearly not.

In which case, shall we tell Hunter the bad news?

What?

Did nobody else hear Haley perform

a West End-style musical number just now?

Seriously, Austin, did you not just hear a word I said?

The lyrics were disturbing, and that song was quite captivating.

Am I singing now? No, Dad, you're not singing.

Grandad, I didn't know you played. Neither did I.

I'm singing now, aren't I? You're still not singing.

Classic. Sophisticated.

Looks almost as dashing as it did on Cobb on our wedding day.

I'm getting a little flushed just thinking about it.

I see.

Still not...?

Captions by Red Bee Media

Copyright Australian Broadcasting Corporation

Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0