Original subtitles

Your dad is Cobb Harper, the podcaster?!

I've got a massive wedding to pay for.

I told Sam

that we'd make a book together without telling you first.

Is that so wrong?

Ironically, working together again is my quickest route

to seeing a lot less of you. (LAUGHS)

I realise why I want a big wedding so badly.

I haven't been invited to a single wedding.

I don't want anyone I know to feel what I felt.

So my parents are actually really wealthy.

Exactly how?

Wealthy enough to pay for the entire wedding.

The only problem is

is that the wedding will have to be in Australia.

I think I might like this one, Hailo.

AUSTIN: Wow, Mrs Harper, this is amazing.

Thank you, Austin. Is everyone having eggs?

Oh, yes, please, Mum.

Please and thank you, Mrs Harper.

Have you told her you're vegan?

No, I'm spacing out the revelations.

You'll notice the eggs are immaculate.

That's because I wipe the chicken's bottoms with a hanky.

It's what separates a house from a home.

Out of interest,

what time do you normally have breakfast?

On the weekends,

we would normally have brunch around 11am.

Oh, brunch!

Saints alive.

It's a combination of breakfast and lunch.

It's quite popular amongst urbanites,

and it's often enjoyed on a social basis.

I know what it is. I just don't like it.

Well, I'll leave you to it.

Grocery bags don't iron themselves.

I still can't believe I'm about to ask

the mortal enemy of autistic people everywhere

for his daughter's hand in marriage.

Look, my dad is just a guy.

He just happens to be a guy with a lot of opinions.

Much like how toothbrushes collect your thoughts,

and if your job title has more than three words,

it's fake.

Actually, that makes a lot of sense.

You know,

you don't really have to ask him for my hand in marriage.

I've already said yes.

I'm kind of the only one who gets a vote.

Yes, I know, but it's important

that I be respectful and traditional.

OK. Well, may the odds be ever in your favour.

I'm slightly concerned by that reference.

No, don't worry. We should be fine out here in District 13.

But they destroyed that one. I'm joking.

For what it's worth, he'll love you for asking.

Thanks, Haley. You're the best.

And that is why computer passwords are a form of harassment.

I proved that I was Cobb Harper yesterday.

Why should I have to do it again?

What if the whole house ran like that?

What, we need to sign in, do we, to use a spoon?

Need to scan a QR code to pat the dog, do we?

That is the future they are building for you.

Be back soon.

Austin, you have 30 seconds. Time starts now.

Did I invite you to sit? (CLEARS THROAT)

Mr Harper... 25 seconds.

...I had a prepared statement regarding Haley's upbringing

and my admiration for it.

Oh.

However, in the interest of efficiency,

I am here to formally request your permission

to marry your daughter.

I will say this -

you came into my studio,

you looked me in the eye and you asked me.

That... That takes guts.

Request denied. You do not have my permission.

I'm sorry. On what grounds? Sh!

Welcome back to Man Enough To Marry.

Despite what the latte lobby will tell you,

civilisation did not implode because men were too strong.

It imploded because they started asking permission.

It's a slippery slope. We're all going down it together.

JULIAN: Pizza Dog.

INGRID: Pizza Dog!

Right,

is that a dog made of pizza or is it pizza made of dog?

Children love animals,

children love food - it ought to work.

I know, it's amazing, isn't it, how much it doesn't?

Hummus Aardvark. Hummus Aardvark!

That's good, that's healthy. An aardvark made of hummus.

It's not very visually interesting.

What about kimchi? Kimchi is colourful.

Kimchi's good. It's having a bit of a moment.

Kimchi Cat! Kimchi Cat.

But I think it would just look like a peeled cat,

which would be frightening. (PHONE RINGS)

Do not answer that. I'm gonna answer that.

Do... We're meant to be thinking!

Yeah, well... This is supposed to be a sanctuary.

Well, I'm sorry if it makes you feel jealous.

Jealous? I'm pleased you found yourself a professional sportsman.

Less of the quotes. He is a genuine sportsman.

Darts player. Oh...

"Oh, hello. It's the hypocrisy police."

It's from Austin. Haley's dad said no.

To what?

Well, he's refused Austin's hand in marriage.

I mean, obviously he hasn't. He's refused on Haley's behalf.

He can't do that. That's awful!

Austin's a catch. I know.

And can you just do that? Can you...

Can you say a flat no to your adult daughter?

We have to get by with passive aggressive hints.

Leftfield thought.

OK, we take... this... Mm-hm?

...to Australia.

To Australia?

Two birds, one stone - support Austin, no distractions.

So I leave Hunter here

and I travel to the other side of the world

to be basically alone with you.

I think that is going to be a hard sell.

Things always go well for us in Australia.

Do they? They do.

Except when they don't.

Hunter is about to do this really massive tournament.

And he DID say that he was about to go into monk mode.

Back in time to celebrate his victory and our new book.

But what happens if we get to Australia

and we still can't think of anything good?

Then we fail with shorts on.

(GASPS)

What?

I think I've got it.

It's an animal and it's a healthy food.

OK.

Chicken Chicken!

Chicken Chicken.

Chicken Chicken. Chicken Chicken.

It's Mr Chicken Chicken.

"I'm just a Chicken Chicken. Hello!"

I think we're tired.

How often does your father change his mind?

Well, he switched from wool socks to cotton in 2013,

but apart from that.

He doesn't like those who give up.

I learned that about him

in that 2015 biopic that he wrote, directed,

and starred in.

Yeah, I've still got the pile of blu-rays under my bed.

I'll find a way, I promise.

(KNOCK AT DOOR)

Sweetheart, if you've got a sec, you could help me with a few tasks.

No pressure. Whenever you like. Anytime at all.

How are you fixed right now?

OK, here's the plan.

You handle my dad, I'll handle my mum.

I think I may have the shorter of two straws.

Ha!

Yeah, that's 'cause you don't know Leslie Harper.

Well, I believe in you.

That makes one of us.

Mm! I could do with a second breakfast, love.

Of course, darling. Thank you.

Mr Harper, I know that you've given me a plain and simple answer.

I have, yes.

But if there's anything I can do or say to change your mind,

I will do it.

Anything? You're quite sure about that?

Yes, anything.

I don't know enough about you, Austin.

You need to show me who you are, what you are.

Dad, Dad, you don't get a say in who I choose to marry.

Correct.

But when a man asks me a question,

I answer honestly, don't I? Yes, you do.

And my answer was a respectful no.

It doesn't mean the position's closed, sweetheart.

It just means your father needs more data.

Mm. Yes,

but I don't need more data. I don't need more data!

You are an investment into which we have poured capital.

A lot of capital.

You are proposing a merger with an entity we're yet to audit.

We need to see how the entity performs

under stress before... You.

...I make a decision, yes.

Mr Harper,

I will accept any challenge to prove my worth,

like the 12 tasks of Hercules.

Not the Dwayne Johnson remake or the cartoon version,

but the 1956 original.

Well, I quite enjoyed the Dwayne Johnson remake,

so good start, mate.

Meet me by the Three Stones at 11.30.

No suit required. Will there'll be a break for brunch?

For what? Uh, nothing.

So, Austin... Yes?

...is he a leader? Well, we both lead.

But who's steering the marriage ship, you or him?

We... We both steer.

Ha-ha.

That's how you hit rocks.

There's only one, captain.

Quick question - if you had a baby tomorrow

and couldn't work for a year, would you feel provided for?

I'm not hiring someone to fill a position, Mum.

Yes, you are.

You're hiring the father of your children.

OK. And someone who knows the difference

between a wrench and a hacksaw,

between a stud finder and a drywall anchor,

between a spirit level

and one of those terrifying circular things

that absolutely requires goggles.

What do you think?

Well... Perfect.

I don't want to pre-empt the challenges you have in mind,

but my strengths are quizzes and puzzles.

Wolves don't solve crosswords, son. They hunt.

We'll start with you bringing me

a tail feather from the most vicious goose in the state.

His name's Goose Willis.

Took a chunk out of my right buttock once

whilst I was holding a taco. Would you like to see the scar?

Uh, I'll pass, thanks. We used to have a guard dog.

He killed it.

It died hard. Now we have a guard goose.

You don't declare your suitability, Austin.

You prove it.

I'll need to check with Haley.

We run potentially life-threatening activities

by each other.

Well, if that's your answer, you won't be getting my endorsement.

And if you think my opinion doesn't matter,

why has Haley not told us she's vegan?

Point me to the goose. Over there.

(GOOSE HONKS)

So, what's it gonna be, Austin?

What's your battle style?

Precision.

I'll simply acquire a feather without him registering the loss.

Mm.

Hello, friend.

Now, let's try and do this with civility, shall we?

(HONKS AND HISSES)

So, you're sure Austin is the man,

but are you the woman for him?

Um... Yes?

Wonderful. Here's how you lose him in six months.

Don't believe Hollywood. It takes longer than ten days.

I don't plan on losing him, Mum.

Respect is oxygen to a man.

Don't correct him in front of people.

Don't laugh at his ideas or roll your eyes.

See? Exactly like that.

Don't turn affection into a loyalty program.

"You disagreed with me. Great. Now you're my flatmate."

No, I don't weaponise intimacy.

Good, because if you do, he'll disappear emotionally,

like socks in a dryer.

Honour him.

Desire him.

And use your soothing voice.

My voice is soothing!

Under no circumstances use that voice. That voice starts wars.

People tell me that I have a soothing voice.

Well, that voice sounds like it wants to speak to the manager.

OK, well, this is what happens to me...!

See?

Boop.

(GOOSE HONKS)

Ah, you beauty!

Yep, that's a fail.

What?

It was luck. That's not extraction.

Next up, the bar. Come on.

(AIRPORT ANNOUNCER SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY)

What the actual...?! Julian, you can't do that here.

It's no smoking!

I'm not smoking, I'm vaping.

It's an entirely different moral universe.

Since when did you vape? I think it was Tuesday.

You've got to put it away.

They cane people here for blinking too much.

We're airside, bro. There are no laws here.

no, there's more laws. We're in Singapore.

Chewing gum is illegal. Vaping, they'd probably drown you.

I'll take my chances.

No, you can't, because it's just...

It's so bad for you! And also, it really stinks.

And do we even know what's in those things?

Is it electricity? It tastes amazing.

This one's watermelon and blackcurrant.

It's like a sort of tropical crumble made of gas.

Fine.

You poison yourself. Get executed.

I refuse to be the nagging wife in this pound shop Breaking Bad.

Suit yourself, Skyler.

It's a low blow.

I haven't heard anything from Florence.

Have you heard anything from Austin?

No, not a bean.

I can't imagine how he's feeling.

You know, when I get to Australia, I'm giving Cobb a piece of my mind.

He has no right disapproving. He's lucky he was even consulted.

I do hope you're vaping as you give him this piece of your mind.

It sort of depends on his house rules,

because I'm also going to be asking him if we can stay.

You are shitting me.

Have you seen the price of accommodation in Canberra?

This e-liquid doesn't come cheap, you know.

There's a massive security guard with a machine gun coming this way.

You are so cool.

Order a lemonade with a straw?

Mm. That's easy.

I do that all the time. In a biker bar.

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

Mm...

Off you pop.

(ENGINE REVS)

(DOOR SLAMS) BIKER: Get him!

(SHOUTING)

Get him!

I think they gave me vodka instead of lemonade.

It tastes like petrol.

Well, maybe they gave you petrol.

I've called the police and rated them

one star on TripAdvisor.

Oh. Because that kind of service

is not only illegal but also unacceptable.

And there's no way that was sugar-free.

Well, that is a fail.

New day, new challenge.

Any real man needs to know how to care for his horses.

I don't have horses,

though I have considered getting an e-bike.

I seem to have this uncanny ability

to mention things that you can't stand.

You really do.

Now, if you want to marry into this family,

you... you learn horses.

90 minutes - I want this stable sparkling.

But I've never done this before. Sparkling!

Alright, let's get to it.

Mum, how long's Dad going to be testing him for?

If Austin's your man, he'll rise to the challenge.

And if he doesn't, it's better you know now,

because you can't build a future on a weak man, sweetheart.

You know what'll happen if you do? No.

You'll start buying sex aids.

Wh... What?

I don't think those two things are connected.

Of course they are.

I mean, low testosterone creates a vacuum

and nature abhors a vacuum,

and women are forced into infidelity.

Sex aids don't mean infidelity, Mum.

They're not people.

If it's hiding in a drawer, it's deceit.

If it needs charging, it's competition.

OK. So what you're saying is, hypothetically,

someone buys one, they use it.

That, what, counts as an affair?

Not just an affair. A moral fog.

Mum, just do some research.

Your way is not the only way.

It doesn't matter what you say

or what you think or what Dad makes him do.

I love Austin, and I'm gonna marry him,

and that's that!

(VACUUM CLEANER WHIRRS LOUDLY)

Hi, Lauren.

Uh, what am I doing? Oh, yeah. Quick voice note.

If you're wondering why your father and I are not in the house today,

it's because we've flown to Australia

and there's half a lasagne in the fridge and...

I had some.

Oh, there's quarter of a lasagne in the fridge

and I'm going to ring you so very back once we get on Wi-Fi,

which will hopefully be quite soon.

Wish us luck. Love you. Bye-bye. Bye-bye!

Oh, yeah, bye-bye!

Wow. I mean, this is a glorious artist's retreat.

God willing, this will really get the creative juices flowing.

Yuck! Creative juices? Don't be disgusting.

Sounds unhygienic.

It makes you sound like an actual perv.

Well, I don't like the term artist's retreat.

You know, it sounds like defeat. Tactical withdrawal.

Fine. Well, let's...

Shall we call it work, like adults?

(BOTH LAUGH) OK, work wife.

No, I don't like that expression so much.

Yeah, same. Yeah.

First time using it - doesn't feel good.

Hi, Dad. Hi, stepmother.

BOTH: Austin!

I would hug you, but not before the pressure wash

I'm about to give my entire body.

Yeah, what is this?

Mr Harper is subjecting me to a series

of ordeals to test my suitability to marry his daughter.

There's a word for that, Austin. It's hazing.

Hercules didn't stop mid-task in any of the adaptations, and nor will I.

I will still go the distance. But it's medieval!

You don't test a person by putting them in danger.

You know, you talk to them, you listen.

You check whether they're kind, you know,

whether they're decent, whether they return library books.

I also return library books. Exactly. Case in point.

Austin, what does Haley say about all of this?

Haley's got her own problems.

She's eating eggs because she can't even bring herself

to tell them that she's a vegan, even though they already know.

They know?

Yes, but it wasn't me. They must have listening devices.

Ingrid! Haley!

Is your mother inside? She is.

Julian, can you take that? 'Cause it's, like, ow!

Oh, and also feet. You know, ow.

So, yes, you did the renovation? Yes.

Whittled that. Wow.

Blew the glass, wove the curtains.

Ingrid, she did it all.

Goodness, you are an artisanal craftsman

of the highest order. Yes.

Oh, and our original servants' quarters slash sewing room

is yours to work in.

I can't wait to see what you cook up with Julian in there.

No pressure.

Also, we have you in two separate rooms,

both with en suites

because I'm well aware that your marriage failed.

Mum! Oh, we don't think of it

as a failure - more an evolution. Of course.

Whatever vocabulary suits.

En suite, though - very helpful at any age.

Oh, wow.

(GASPS)

Cushions!

Are there not enough?

Mum has very strong views on cushions.

Oh.

BOTH: There's no such thing as too much cushionage.

That's what she says. It's what she's said every day of my life.

No, don't... Don't worry. This is a... a bounty of cushions.

Does Julian have this many cushions on his bed?

Of course. Great.

Because, um, you know how hard men love soft furnishings!

What?

I don't know.

Just Julian would be very jealous if he thought

I had more cushions than him, that's all.

Oh, well. I mean, if so, we have enough cushions to bury him.

Oh, that's not necessary. I was joking.

Haley... He doesn't really like cushions.

...I think Julian needs more cushions. More?

No, I...

Well, just two, maybe four.

OK, we're outside your neighbour's house,

hiding from view.

What is this test about, Mr Harper?

A man must be ready to fight injustice

to right a wrong.

This is the house of Todd Murray.

Here.

You see him? Weaselly looking individual.

I observe the gentleman.

Track to the right, to the mantelpiece.

What do you see? Books, a lamp, something gold.

A golf trophy.

Last year's Fern Gully golf tournament.

Mr Murray kicked my ball into the rough and everybody knows it.

The trophy is rightfully mine.

Your next task, Austin, is to walk in there and take it.

I won't do it, Mr Harper!

I can't just waltz into some man's house

and steal his belongings.

That would make me a burglar and a trespasser.

You know what is at stake here, Austin?

Haley. Yes.

And I care too much about Haley to let her marry a thief.

Think about what you're saying. I have.

I agreed to these tasks to get your approval

and also because I wasn't entirely sure

if I truly deserved Haley or not.

If I steal, I won't deserve her at all.

Final answer.

You passed the test, son.

I literally didn't.

The real test.

You see, what a woman needs is a husband with principles.

You can't be bullied. You stood up to me, Austin.

Many men wouldn't.

Oh... Wow.

Does this mean that we have your blessing?

Do you need it? No.

But I should like to know that I have it all the same.

That's a quote from the BBC's 1995 adaptation

of Pride and Prejudice. I've seen it.

It's a masterpiece.

Yes, but not as great as the film

with Keira Knightley and Rosamund Pike.

I strongly disagree.

Well done. That was also a test.

You passed.

I should be proud to call you my son-in-law.

Thanks, Mr Harper. That means a lot.

You alright, Cobb, mate? Yep.

All good, Todd. The young chap made the right call.

Ah, that's a shame.

Was hoping to put the wind up the young fella.

What are you doing in my house?!

Ha-ha!

Oh, don't worry about it. It's not loaded.

(GUNSHOT)

(BIRDS SQUAWK) Yeah, uh...

My, uh... My mistake.

As you were.

JULIAN: Wow. Well, this is very impressive.

I think you've personally overseen the extinction

of several delicious animals.

(LAUGHTER)

Surely Julian only eats what he can slaughter himself.

No, Julian cries at sunsets.

Just the red ones.

Well, a proper feast is only right. We have something to celebrate.

Yes, yes. Austin proved himself today.

Mm! Yeah.

Just out of interest - if he hadn't,

would the tests have carried on coming?

Indefinitely.

Well, I can't say I approve of your methods...

No. ...but, um, yeah, you know,

I'm sure it makes a certain amount of sense.

Do... Do you think?

Because I...

Well, I would just,

you know, if I'm completely honest, I do find it a bit of a challenge,

this idea of imposing your will on someone else.

Mm, I agree. Yeah.

Do you? I totally agree.

Yes, Dad, do you think that you and Mum

could potentially maybe tone it down

on the ancient ritual thing?

You know, considering we have guests.

How so, darling?

Well, I think I mean,

just mainly your ideas about how men and women

should or should not... behave.

Um, that's my job. Sure, yeah.

But then you come home and you're around your family,

so maybe when you're... when you're at home, you could try and...

...relax.

You know what?

Maybe we could just loosen the boundaries.

Well, I'm so glad you said that because I was wanting

to float the idea of sleeping in till 6am on Sundays.

That will upset the horse.

Uh, the horse will cope.

Also, I've been researching sex aids.

(CUTLERY RATTLES)

What?

Apparently, they don't signal a moral collapse after all.

In fact, they can enhance intimacy.

Oh, they totally can!

You have to get one. She... She has to get one.

I could do a Ted talk on this.

OK, top three recommends. Do you have a pen?

I'll remember. Number one, the Lady Plough.

It's German. It does exactly what it says on the tin.

Number two, the Badger. Beautiful design.

Very discreet.

Number three, Double-0 Heaven. It's a hard recommend.

And... And one to avoid is the Knicker Mouse.

It's not sexy and it overheats, frankly.

Oh, and another tip.

OK? Pea size, amount of testosterone gel once a week.

Complete game-changer.

I've heard it makes women randomly vicious.

Yeah, it does!

It's magnificent. Rar!

Ingrid's viciousness is one of my favourite things about her.

That and the way you draw feet.

Thank you.

But, you know, everyone should live their lives

according to their own compass.

Mm.

Mm, well, thank God that conversation is over.

A toast to Haley and Austin.

ALL: To Haley and Austin!

Congratulations! Congratulations.

I mean, I do have some ideological concerns

about the whole tradwife thing, but aren't their homes lovely?

Yeah.

Hello! Look what we've manifested.

Not too shabby, is it? No. The light.

The bird noise. Yeah.

Won't take long to come up with the big one here.

Ah! Smooth.

Mm.

Ah...

(CLICKS TONGUE)

I mean, I suppose technically there's no reason

why it would be any easier to come up

with an idea here than at home.

Do you think you might be blocked?

I beg your pardon, me? Just me?

Well, it's easier for me, isn't it?

Because, you know, I've had that adrenaline rush

of parachuting in and rescuing Austin, but...

Yeah, I can tell. You're flooded with ideas.

You're probably pining for your lover, for Hunter.

OK, that's not what's happening.

No? This is a bit tricky,

but what I've gradually realised about Hunter is...

(KNOCK AT DOOR)

He's flown all the way out here to see me!

(MUFFLED SPEECH) Oh, Wow!

Yeah, it's Hunter.

Good job.

So I used the prize money to buy a ticket home,

and a Japanese rice cooker.

Oh, I've always wanted one of those. Oh, yeah.

I just couldn't stand the thought of the two of us being apart.

Plus, we have got some unfinished business, don't we?

We're going to need more cushions. Yes.

I can't believe you flew from

the other side of the world just to see me.

HAILEY: Austin wants a huck's party.

As his future wife to be,

don't I have to accept his decision?

I'm here to help with the wedding planning,

so you just say the word.

I think we have everything covered.

Nice to meet you, Bill. You touched me.

Cobb Harper touched my hand!

I think if I got back

on the dating scene it would help me move on.

Why don't you ask me if I want to go for coffee?

Would you like to go for a coffee? Get lost, you creep!

Captions by Red Bee Media

Copyright Australian Broadcasting Corporation

Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0