Original subtitles

Thank you for coming to our... BOTH: Divorce party!

(CHEERING)

I'm concerned we might be getting married too fast.

Maybe you don't want to get married at all.

Perfect moment to announce a whole new book series.

Just bring me something sensational. I'll talk to Ingrid.

Oh! Oh. (LAUGHS)

Hunter. Nothing happened.

My body is like... (SQUEALS)

You're paying for the wedding?

In the past, sometimes, when we have agreed together not to do something,

you have just gone and done it anyway.

Ingrid says yes!

So I look forward to bringing you that sensational book idea pronto.

Ah, look at that spread!

Even, professional.

You, sir, make circular food at the elite level.

Here we are, Haley.

Pancakes, OJ, syrup, in a ramekin.

Because anarchy begins with a sticky table.

Thanks. My apologies,

the pancakes aren't perfect.

I just spotted a three-degree wobble on the north edge.

They look perfectly round to me.

That's generous. Archimedes would be incandescent.

Wasn't he more into pie? Boom!

Deliberately confusing pi and pie is one of my favourite jokes.

That and... BOTH: Weeks.

Yeah, well, I'll be here all week.

All your life, if you're lucky. I've been up since five,

drafting a memorandum of understanding

vis a vis our wedding. Great. 'Cause, um, so have I.

Excellent. You go first. No, you.

No, you. No, you go.

If we don't watch out, we'll fall into a cute yet unbreakable

loop of "No, you."

OK, well, you start. I... I want to hear your thoughts.

OK. (CLEARS THROAT)

Four weddings and a funeral themed,

minus the funeral and three of the weddings.

Cotswolds chapel, quaint but not twee.

There is a distinction.

Then, an ivy-draped stately home for the reception.

OK. Ivy is strong, I like ivy.

Six bridesmaids, co-ordinated but not identical.

We're not monsters.

Wet Wet Wet tribute band.

Dove release and fireworks!

But not at the same time as the doves.

But what about you, Haley? What's your vision?

Um...

Registry office.

That's not a vision, that's an errand.

But do we really need to go so big?

To accommodate the several hundred people I wish to invite, yes.

Um... Why? Because I love you!

And because you deserve one flawless, spectacular day

before life enters the maintenance phase.

Right. Well, that is a depressingly good argument.

So...

Um, yes to your wedding. Really?

Yeah. Thank you.

And maybe you can invite your parents.

Maybe. Haley.

Do your parents even know about me?

Mm. They know I'm seeing someone.

Do they even know that you're marrying this someone?

They're not really wedding people. These are really good.

Thanks.

I have heard that you and Ingrid are doing a new kids book.

Yeah. Been mooted. Mm.

Yeah, Sam, the publisher, seems to think

that it's all going ahead. You know, she's been calling.

Well, I don't mean calling. (LAUGHS) Texting.

Because she's Gen Z.

She sort of sends one word and then a next word, and then...

(PHONE CHIMES) Oh, there she is.

Yes, there's an exclamation mark on last night's message.

Well I'm excited. She's excited. But, uh,

there's a teensy problem with that. You haven't talked to Ingrid yet?

No, I've asked her. She said no.

Yeah. Problem.

Hm. To bag this deal, you need both of you.

Marks and Spencer.

Are you sure no-one will take my memoirs?

You know. Or I could do a cookbook, you know.

I know three recipes. Only two of them are pasta.

No, I can't sell that. But you know what?

There is some interest in you from other quarters.

Oh, wonderful! Do you remember

how you got cancelled for your far-right views?

For Pete's sake, Heidi, how many times?

They weren't my views.

I reposted a post. It wasn't even about politics.

It was about free speech! Good. Yeah.

Have you heard of True Patriot Weekly?

Of course. They want a columnist.

Oh. Your name came up.

Wait, would I have to write about woke universities and,

you know, queue-jumping migrants at theme parks?

I think you're a natural. Oh.

Do you want to do it? I can't, can I?

Yeah. Maybe I can.

I've been mis-represented, you know?

Why shouldn't I make a bit of coin moaning about broken Britain?

I mean, have you tried calling British Gas recently?

Impossible! Impossible.

Great. Well, this is what they're offering.

Is that it?

Yeah. Well, they assume you're in it

for the love of the country, Julian. I'm sorry, Heidi,

but I...I can't betray my principles.

Mm. I am above being bought.

I guess you'll have to talk to Ingrid then,

won't you? Yes, I will.

Yeah. Good. And I'll tell True Patriot

that's a no. (CHUCKLES) Which will be tricky,

because they do run articles about how sometimes no means yes,

so... (LAUGHS) Awkward.

Yeah. (CHUCKLES)

That's meeting over, isn't it? Yeah.

Can I finish my water? If you do it quickly.

(SIPS) Chop, chop.

I just want you to know

that I wasn't playing hard to get last night.

I am most definitely got.

I just think my body is finding it hard

to understand it's allowed. OK.

But it was so much fun! Oh, it was so fun!

So much fun. So good, so good.

Yeah. So... so this is all OK, is it? In the daylight?

My gosh, yes. Beautiful.

Wow. Yeah. Age is just a number.

Yeah. Sorry, are you drinking a milkshake?

(LAUGHS) Protein.

Ah!

That's a clue.

So why won't you tell me what you do for a living?

Maybe I like to hold something back for date three as well.

Yeah, well, I'm not as patient as you, so I'm going to guess.

I think you're a therapist. Ooh!

Because you listen and you nod and you don't interrupt.

And I think that's training. Mm.

No. OK. Are you a lawyer? No.

Are you a fighter pilot? No.

Are you an actual hunter?

I am a professional darts player.

(BOTH LAUGH)

Oh, my God, all this and hilarious as well!

It's so funny. But what do you do, actually?

Yeah, actually, that is what I do.

I play darts for a living.

Congratulations, you have been picked up

by number 23 in the world.

Wow. Darts.

Mm. Darts?!

Well, I have so much respect for you,

being an international athlete,

but I am going to continue to objectify you, if that's OK.

I would be offended if you didn't.

Now, how are we going to get you over this little block?

Yeah, I...I have thoughts.

I just think I need to get straight back on the horse.

Oh, am I the horse?

And I am Catherine the Great.

Are you free tonight? Uh, yeah, I am now.

Russian empress.

Whoa!

Austin? Oh, hey, Dad.

We're looking into options for wedding balloons.

Do any of these speak to you? Sorry, all I can hear

is the sound of money leaving my body.

If none of these resonate, Haley has more.

Oh, I love balloons!

They're so emotionally supportive.

Balloons in a house, this really worries me.

Are either of you familiar with the cautionary principles

outlined in the film "Up"? Maybe we don't have to choose.

Maybe we can get married with all the balloons.

No-one would be able to see you. That feels safe.

Has anyone seen my phone? Whoa! Or the fridge?

Florence, what do you think of these balloons?

Do you mean, do I think balloons should be used in weddings,

given that helium is a finite resource used for medicine?

Or what colour do I like? I meant the colour.

Gold.

It says celebration, but also end of empire.

Noted. Oh! Found my phone.

Um, if anyone finds the fridge, I would love a sandwich.

INGRID: Oh, I like this!

It's like an art installation about poor impulse control.

This is very expensive. That's what I see.

Oh, you can't scrimp on a wedding, Julian.

I think you'll find out I absolutely can.

Austin, do not let him cheap out on a cake.

OK? I had friends who did that,

and they ended up with piping that read,

"Congratulations on your weeding." (LAUGHS)

How's your mum? She keeps sending messages

offering to help, which I think we should politely resist.

Unless she would like to make a financial contribution.

In which case, I think it would be extremely rude not to let her.

Ah, no, she paid for my upbringing on her own.

So this is all on you.

(SIGHS) Well, I guess you only get married once.

Yeah. And this is the only wedding you're going to have to fund,

given Florence's ethical objections to marriage.

Yeah. Until she changes her mind on a whim.

I heard that!

I have something to tell you.

OK.

I have something to talk to you about, too.

(BALLOON SPUTTERS) I have to take this.

How does this cost �14.50?

Haley seems to be having frequent calls with her parents.

I suspect she's preparing to tell them that I exist.

Yeah, well, that would be traditional,

given the situation.

I can't even decide what balloon I prefer.

This is decision number one on a list of 300 more to come.

Austin, um...

I know a guy who can take your list

and make all of those pesky decisions for you.

Shall I give him a call? If you would.

OK, so we've both got things to tell each other.

Who's going to go first?

Shall we do it at the same time? OK.

After three?

One, two... Actually, "three, two, one"...

There's absolutely no need

to correct every single thing that I say.

BOTH: One, two, three...

I'm seeing someone else. I told Sam we'd make a book together.

Oh.

Wow. Great.

Uh, congratulations.

Um...

Sorry, I'm a bit surprised.

Why? Well, you said

you were down on men, that you might join a women's commune.

Yeah, well, I still might. I'm quite tempted

by a commune of organic witches near Bedford.

But Hunter is different.

Yeah. Starting with his name. What does he do?

He's an athlete. Oh.

Yeah. Yeah.

Wow, what sort of athlete?

Um, he is a professional...

...darts player.

Wow. Oh!

Yeah.

Did you get drunk just kissing him?

All that beer. (CHUCKLES)

That's such an out-of-date attitude. Everything's changed now.

Yeah, darts is a serious sport now, Julian.

Serious sport? They... Yeah.

They play it in a pub.

Oh, OK. Here's the living fossil, having an opinion.

Oh, careful. You'll terrify the mammals.

OK, fine. You know, keep your serious sportsman.

I guess, you know, we both kept things from each other,

and now it's all out in the open.

So... we're quits. Oh, no, no, no.

Don't you scuttle away like that.

I am sharing details of my private life with you

as a kind of... as a kind of courtesy.

Whereas what you're doing with that Sam,

who has my number,

who is texting me things like,

"Be seated. I'm hyped. I'm amped."

Sam is involved. Yeah. I had to look her up.

And it said that she owned a fish cannery in Alaska.

And so then I had to look her up without AI enabled.

And it said she was a children's publisher.

And judging by her texts, an actual child.

You're going to like Sam.

Imagine Florence, with a direction in life.

I heard that!

You're going to find your way, Flo!

OK, fine. I told Sam that we'd make a book together

without telling you first. Is that so wrong?

(SCOFFS) I mean, obviously, yes,

it is wrong morally, but, you know, I had good intentions.

You know, I've got a massive wedding to pay for.

Yeah. That's what's so sad.

This wasn't even about wanting to work with me.

Oh, come on! Yes...

It's both.

We make amazing things together.

How often do you get that chance in life?

OK, not often, but the thing is, Julian,

I can't do it because I'm very fond of you.

I love you, actually. But I hate us.

Can't persuade you?

Guys, smell the heritage, eh?

Take it all in, everybody. Look at this.

Lovely. That's very classy stuff.

This is load-bearing.

The others are weirdly cosmetic.

The Tudors, shout-out Henry VIII!

That guy loved a wedding.

To a fault, if you think about it.

Anyway, here we are!

Look at this. The piece of resistance.

It's a room as beautiful as it is versatile.

We've done loads of weddings here,

but in the last month we've had two model railway fairs and,

uh-oh! Cheeky! A fetish night.

Was there any crossover

between the fetish night and the model railway?

Yes, but we keep brrp!

Because we don't want to yuck anyone's yum.

I think it's nice. I mean, don't you, Austin?

You know, it's very sort of... Yeah, I mean...

...intact. It's peeling.

It's vintage. Oh, sorry. I'm Jason.

Oh, Haley. Hi.

How are you? And I'm...

Oh. Austin Hogan.

I know about you.

I saw you on the Cobb Harper podcast.

Something about autism. You were saying it's not real?

No, that's what Cobb said. I know it's real.

I know the challenges and the joys.

It's why I know the capital city of every country in the world.

OK. Mexico. Mexico City.

Panama. Panama City.

(CHUCKLES) This guy's good.

I can't even remember where I parked my car. Respect!

Jason can organise the entire wedding.

Absolutely.

And here's what I will tell you.

My boss won't be happy for saying this,

but if we say that it's a party,

I can give you a 10% discount, because parties are cheaper.

Knock another ten off if you don't use the toilets.

Mm. And, uh, you're a one-stop-shop, is that right?

So you can book all the entertainment?

100%. So Julian told me that you wanted a Four Weddings theme,

and I've got the perfect band for you!

Damp Damp Damp.

The UK's most available Wet Wet Wet tribute act.

And they're a bargain. Only �8,000. (COUGHS)

Yes, please. I think they're probably booked up

quite a few years in advance. Oh. Yeah. Sorry.

Yeah, booked and busy, Wet Wet Wet tribute band.

Luckily, we actually have a back-up.

These lovely boys, Moist Moist Moist.

Now, due to an ongoing legal case,

they can't refer to themselves as a Wet tribute.

So they do a tribute to the tribute.

So Moist Moist Moist are pretending to be Damp Damp Damp,

who are pretending to be Wet Wet Wet?

It's a meta-tribute.

And how much do they, uh... How much do they cost?

�750.

I call them Cheap Cheap Cheap.

And let me tell you, they absolutely hate it.

Well, meta-tribute sounds perfect, as is this entire venue.

What do we say, guys? Are we buoyant?

I'm not buoyant. I'm far from buoyant.

I think maybe if we just put up some more balloons...

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Don't touch that.

This is not my dream wedding.

And this is not an opulent Richard Curtis world.

That's a Britain that never existed.

It did in my head!

I need to go and recalibrate my expectations

somewhere private.

You're welcome. Julian.

Hang on to that. OK.

That thing's been places you wouldn't believe.

Yes, I know, I'm stress-eating almonds.

Does overdosing on superfood cause super death?

I'm actually not too sure about that.

But, you know,

I think if eating those almonds don't kill you,

then planning this wedding just might.

I think I know what the problem is. It's me.

I haven't been honest with you, nor have I been honest with myself.

Somewhere around my twenty-second almond,

I realised why I want a big wedding so badly.

It's because for the past ten years,

I haven't been invited to a single wedding.

Not one.

Oh, Austin.

There were always excuses.

"We just didn't have the numbers, Austin."

"We went small. Sorry, mate."

People just move on and leave me behind.

Right, and now that you're getting married,

you don't want to leave anyone out.

I don't want anyone I know to feel what I felt.

OK.

I think it's my turn to be honest now.

So my parents, they're actually really wealthy.

And I know that my mum would love us to have the wedding at her place.

So, if we do that,

you get the wedding that you want without the stress of planning it.

And she gets to have me home for a little bit,

so everyone's happy.

But what about you? Would you be happy?

Well, there'll be balloons, right? Lots of balloons.

Hm.

This is better. No more secrets.

Yeah. No more secrets.

Come on.

OK, so if we... And then, minus the toilets, gives us...

Oh.

Look, if you go for the whole package.

I'll even throw in a Hugh Grant impersonator for free.

I like that. He does Hugh Bonneville as well.

So he's a Hugh-for-one. Wait,

was Hugh Bonneville even in Four Weddings?

No, but everyone thinks he was. So it still works.

OK. What about...

No, he doesn't do Hugh Jackman.

Think about it, OK?

Everyone loves Hugh Jackman.

Hey, Dad.

Haley has something to tell you.

Um...

My parents are rich. So...

OK. Well done.

Um... I know it's rude to ask, but exactly how?

Wealthy enough to pay for the entire wedding.

In fact, I know that's something they would really like to do.

That's wonderful!

That is absolutely magnificent!

Oh! Haley!

(BOTH LAUGH)

So the only problem

is that the wedding will have to be in Australia.

Australia, the moon, wherever!

I wasn't sure if you'd be upset about them taking the wheel, dad.

I'm big enough to get over it, Austin.

You know... I don't know, I'll pay for the cake.

You know, within reason.

I wasn't overhearing, but I didn't exactly...

...under-hear. Look, if it helps swing it in our direction,

I have secured our exclusive garden area for your photographs.

You've actually seen it! It's the car park.

But once we put a fake tree in there,

it really transforms the space. No thank you, Jason.

This lovely couple will be getting married

somewhere that is actually nice.

I mean, no offence.

Or, um, some offence, but it's not personal.

OK, well, the fetish night's on Tuesday, Julian.

He's joking. (CHUCKLES)

I just think what happened is I noticed you were wearing make-up

and it kind of threw me.

I am wearing make-up. OK. Yes. I know.

The reason why,

I just sort of wanted to keep that as a surprise.

Oh, OK. That's exciting.

I just had a photo shoot...

Yeah? ...for Darts Weekly.

Right. Yeah.

They're doing a story on the new face of precision.

Moi. (CHUCKLES)

They're pending editorial approval, of course.

Sorry, that's a... And that's a surprise...

Oh, yeah. ...to you.

Yeah. OK. Yeah.

It's the cover story. Great. Yeah.

Amazing. No, it's just that I was just presuming

there's quite a limited pool of people

who do play darts professionally.

And Darts Weekly, there's 52 covers a year?

Yeah, true. It seems it would be more surprising

if you weren't on the cover of Darts Weekly.

What would be surprising is if I was on the cover of Darts Weekly.

I mean, that would be... Yeah, but you don't throw.

(CHUCKLES) Yeah, exactly.

Never mind.

About the other thing...

I was thinking it might help me if we could be somewhere

I was familiar with. Oh!

So how about after this,

you come back to mine for sex? Maybe more.

Sorry for, um, for dessert and then coffee.

And then maybe more.

(LAUGHS) Forgot a couple of emotional stages there.

(BOTH LAUGH) Will Julian be there?

I don't know. We're free agents. We do exactly what we want.

I mean, he will probably be there, but you have to meet him eventually.

It's just my sports psychologist says that I need

to avoid any negative scenarios.

I need to stay up all the time.

Even what I listen to is a curated playlist.

So what's that? Simply the Best by Tina Turner on a loop?

How did you know that? Can't you just ignore Julian?

Think of him as an annoying flatmate that I once had sex with

and got married to and had a child with,

and had a world-conquering children's book empire with.

Please, please, I don't want to beg, but please.

I'm going to trust my instincts and head home.

Sorry, babe.

The difference between winning and losing is just so minuscule.

It all matters.

But is it all that matters?

Yeah. No. You're right.

Being on the front cover of Darts Weekly

would be pretty cool.

"Sorry I've kept you out of the loop, Mum.

"I did it for the best reasons,

"but I didn't consider your feelings."

Oh! That's very emotionally mature of you, Austin,

to work that out.

I'd like to include you in the planning a whole lot more

from now on. Oh, well,

that means a lot. I'd like to do it that way,

but I can't.

Haley's parents are taking the wheel,

and apparently reasoning with her mother is like,

what was it you said?

Negotiating with a cyclone.

Oh. Hello, Haley. Hi, Mel.

Well, thank you both for, you know, thinking of me.

We're flying out tomorrow.

I've got 17 minutes where I can still make choices

about airline food.

See you soon!

I love you, Darling. Love you, Mum.

Oh, wait a minute.

No. These need another go.

They've only been frightened by the heat, not changed by it.

I've had a bit of a re-think about working together again.

Oh?

I think if this divorce is going to continue to be a success,

we are probably going to have to earn enough money

to be able to live in different houses.

Yes.

Which a new Julian-Ingrid, Ingrid-Julian book deal

could bring us. Yeah.

I mean, ironically, working together again

is my quickest route to seeing a lot less of you.

(LAUGHS) I'll take that.

Yeah, I know. I have conditions. Go on.

One,

no standing over my shoulder while I'm sketching.

Two, no saying I'm in a mood when I am clearly not in a mood.

Three, no saying that I'm in a mood

when hell yeah, I'm in a mood. So kill me.

Four, these words shall never leave your lips:

"You look tired."

Five, no telling me what children really want,

when I know just as well as you what children really want.

Six, you will not sigh. (EXHALES)

Yeah, you will not make that noise. Exactly.

And that is it.

OK, well, maybe I have a few conditions of my own.

Yeah, fine. Hit me with them.

OK, maybe I don't, but are you saying that if I meet your conditions,

you will be, like, 100% copper-bottomed in?

Yeah. I'm in. Yes! (LAUGHS)

Oh, brilliant!

All we need to do now is come up with something great.

And that is the least of our problems.

Hold that thought. I need to make a very quick call.

Perfect.

Julian, hi.

Sam! Sam, Sam, Sam!

Oh, you're in a chipper mood this morning, Julian.

I am, and I'll tell you why.

Ingrid says yes. A clear, verbal yes.

That's great!

But you had already told me

that Ingrid gave you a clear, verbal yes.

Didn't you? I did, yes, however,

and this is important,

she's now even more in. Even more in?

Sure she's just in or she isn't?

Yeah, like I say, even more in. Same decision, just louder.

Why did Dad shout "Yes! Aha!"?

Because we're back together again.

I knew that would happen sooner or later.

Just working together.

We're just working together.

Yeah. Oh, yeah. Yeah, sure.

Yeah. good to talk. OK. Well, um...

Yeah, let's do lunch or a drink

or any other nourishment-based meeting.

OK, Sam. OK. Bye! Goodb...

Nailed it.

I mean, I thought for a minute

that maybe you guys had talked or something.

(LAUGHS)

No.

(LAUGHS)

Mm!

So, um, I heard you're working with Mum.

Yes. Can't say I'm keen, but, uh...

Well, the publishers demand it, and, um...

I do need the money.

Mm. I thought Haley's rich parents were paying for the wedding.

Yes. Correct. So you don't need the money,

and you and Mum don't need to work together.

I mean, just between the two of us, I think, you know...

I think your mum quite misses the sort of creative spark.

Oh, really? Yes.

So... let's just give her this one. OK?

Yeah.

I'll confess, Haley,

I used up 21 hours of our 22-hour journey

feeling nervous about this. Oh, no. Please don't worry,

I...I've probably built her up a bit too much, to be honest.

She's really not that bad. OK.

Here you are. Thank you.

Oh, just let me. Mum! Mum!

Mum, no. You're examining him.

He's a fiance, not a horse.

The same methods apply.

Sugar?

Please and thank you.

Ooh, I'll grab one of those. Ah.

I think I might like this one, Halo.

He's even more handsome than the photos.

You remind me of a young Prince Charles.

It's the wounded eyes.

Eyes, yes. Noble.

Tragic, yet ready to serve.

Thank you, I suppose.

And you have some serious Di action going on, my love.

A people's princess in waiting.

Oh! This is for you, Austin.

Oh!

Thank you. I can truly say that I don't already have one.

No. That's amazing, Mum.

Thank you. She makes those by hand.

(CAR ENGINE APPROACHES) That'll be your father.

Austin, do you remember how we agreed no more secrets?

Yeah. Well, there is one secret

that I haven't quite told you yet.

And I'm really sorry that I haven't found the right time.

Your dad is Cobb Harper, the podcaster?!

Yes! Life is full of surprises, isn't it, Austin?

Are we ready, Harper Three?

Dad... We can't. Ah, we couldn't.

We mustn't. (ALL VOCALISE)

? We're the Harper Three

? Back in harmony

? Mum, Dad and Haley

? That's how it should be

? United again, the three bestest friends

? Mum, Dad and Haley

? And that's where it ends. ?

(HARPER THREE GIGGLE)

(GIGGLES)

I'm so happy for you! Oh! Yes!

(EXHALES)

Is everyone having eggs?

Oh, yes, please, mum. Have you told her you're vegan?

I am here to formally request your permission

to marry your daughter.

Request denied.

I thought we take this to Australia.

This is a glorious artist retreat.

If there's anything I can do or say to change your mind,

I will do it. Anything?

So, Austin. Yes?

Is he a leader?

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Copyright Australian Broadcasting Corporation

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