Original subtitles

I assume your favourite Doctor was David Tennant?

I assume yours is Matt Smith.

The best and greatest Doctor Who companion is...

BOTH: Billie Piper.

Autism - choice or lifestyle?

Well, maybe there's an element of personal navigation.

Boom. Why do we actually need men?

I mean, what are they for?

I'm sleeping on a camp bed in my son's bedroom,

and she seems to be falling in love with someone.

BOTH: Oh.

I can explain.

You say you want nothing more to do with Dad,

but you still talk about him all the time.

You don't want to admit to yourself

that you still have deep feelings for him.

I feel like I'm trapped in one of those salad spinner rides

and I can't move. And it's been going on for about four years.

Maybe it's time we take our big blue teddy bear

that we've won and walk out of the fairground forever.

Hi! Hi, everybody.

Well, today is such a special day for Julian and I,

and we just really wanted to share it with all of you.

Yeah, we got married... 30 years ago this month.

And we promised to spend the rest of our lives together.

And, today, we can honestly say,

oh, that didn't work out.

So thank you for coming to our...

BOTH: Divorce party!

(CHEERING)

Yeah, we just, basically, we just want to have a good split.

Yeah.

We both want to stay friends with all of you.

No need to choose between us. If you're wondering,

we're still going to be living in the same house,

you know, because rent prices.

Do come and visit.

It's not going to be awkward

because Julian has genuinely cured me

from wanting to have a relationship with anyone ever again.

Yeah. So I suppose I should say

thank you, Julian,

for vaxing me against all men. Yes!

It's been a sincere pleasure. Um... Uh...

Yeah. Uh, Flo, would you like to say something?

Oh, truly, I would rather be dead. OK.

Um... I know my son Austin would like to say a few words.

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

Words are my favourite thing to say.

Firstly, may I wish Ingrid and Julian the happiest of divorces.

It couldn't have happened to a nicer non-couple.

Now, there's something I'd like to say to Haley.

What?

Haley, this past month has been an absolute blast

touring the UK with you -

visiting Doctor Who locations, Climping Beach,

The Trident Industrial Park...

Terror Of The Zygons, 1975. Classic.

Every time I think about the amazing time we're having,

I just don't want it to end.

Maybe it never should.

What's happening? What's happening?

Haley, will you travel with me to another dimension?

For the avoidance of doubt,

that was just me asking for her hand in marriage.

Yes, Austin. Yes.

I will travel anywhere with you.

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Yes!

Oh, my gosh.

Wonderful. So, pleased!

Wow, Austin. Thanks, Dad.

I mean, wow. I mean, wow.

(MOUTHING) What the fuck!

(PHONE RINGING)

BOTH: Yay! Congratulations.

Oh, wait. Did she actually say yes?

Haley said yes.

Thank you, God. Everyone keeps hugging me.

I feel like a koala in a zoo...

...before hugging them was widely banned.

I dented the plaster.

I'm so proud of you, love.

How are you, Mum? Have you found a job yet?

Not exactly. But now, Minister Keeds and I

are free to have our relationship

because there's no conflict of interest.

He's not the only reason I'm leaving,

you know, I'm ready for a new challenge.

When do you go from being just unemployed

to long-term unemployed?

At your age, this could really be the end of things.

OK, I have a plan.

So why don't you get back to your wife-to-be?

Will do. See you.

You never told me you had a plan.

I don't. Which is good for Austin,

because now we've got a wedding to organise.

(DISCO MUSIC PLAYS)

Oh, congratulations. Thank you, Florence.

Sis! Oh, my God, sisters!

I'm so excited. Welcome to what's left of my family.

Oh, ho-ho...

Yes. Are you OK? Yeah, yeah. I'm great.

This is a great occasion, you know?

There's highs and then there's just more highs.

I am... I'm happy for everybody, really.

Do you want a hug?

Ha! You are going to have to put that emotional intelligence away

if you want to join my family. Right, yes.

Hi. Hey.

I hope I didn't steal your thunder by proposing at your divorce party.

Oh, no. Absolutely not.

No, that didn't even occur to me.

Didn't steal any thunder.

I mean, maybe pulled a little bit of focus.

I wanted you to be present for this milestone in my life, Dad.

You missed so much when we didn't know each other.

First birthday, second birthday, third...

Yes, the first 29 birthdays.

Riding a bicycle for the first time.

The day I came out of hospital after riding said bicycle.

Are Haley's family pleased? No idea.

I don't even know anything about them.

Every time I ask her, she changes the subject.

I think they might be criminals or spies.

I'm hoping spies.

Now I must get back to my fiancee.

I'm sorry. I can't be the only person thinking

they're rushing into this.

And why won't she talk to him about her family?

That's just weird.

And how are your mum and dad?

Fine, I expect. How should I know?

Look, I'm going to take him to one side,

share my concerns.

Don't you dare!

You'll upset him and you'll ruin my divorce party,

which I've been waiting a very long time for.

I haven't ruined it, you psycho! He has.

You have, and he has. You both have. Like son, like father.

You're childish. You're childish!

Cassandra! Hey! Can we go and have

a long, comfortable screw against a beach, please?

Oh, my God, oh, my actual gosh!

I am very, very happy you said yes. Me too.

I am in the extreme upper tail of the happiness distribution chart.

Although we're engaged, I do think we should be traditional

and refrain from sexual relations until we're married.

What? Why?

OK. Wouldn't be my choice. But I respect your decision.

We should discuss when we'd like the wedding to be.

I'd say soon. Probably very soon. Can do, hun.

Hun?

Just taking the word out for a test drive.

Put it in park. OK? OK.

The thing is, Derek, you know, yes, it's a party.

Um, but it's also tinged with sadness, you know?

And I know that's true for Ingrid as well.

(LOUD WHOOPING)

Can someone put on All The Single Ladies?

She's just better at hiding it.

Julian, Julian, you want to go easy on those, alright?

Because you want to be fresh

in the morning because I have got you a meeting

with a publisher to talk about your memoir, baby.

What?! I know!

(LAUGHS)

Does this mean I'm uncancelled? No. Changing times.

Your views are mainstream now. Result!

I know! Although they weren't my views.

Sure. Yeah. Maybe just don't tell anyone else, though.

Yeah. Good luck. Good luck for tomorrow.

And, um, yeah. OK.

Let me go put some money on the bar, you tight ass.

Oh! Uh...

Oh.

Are we dancing? Are you asking?

I'm touching my hair. I'd better stop!

Actually, why should I? Hi. Hi.

Hi. I'm Ingrid. Hunter.

Hunter. Hunter.

Yeah, no, don't ask. Hunter, well, no, I really want...

Are you Australian? Yeah.

Wow! I love Australians.

What are you doing here? Aussie in a bar.

I'm downstairs for someone's birthday.

Girlfriend's birthday? No, a mate.

We're actually heading out

to see some friends play at a jazz bar.

I don't suppose you'd care to join us?

Oh, wow. I'm so flattered. Um, I mean, you're hot as lava,

but I'm just getting out of a relationship,

and I think I probably need to spend some time just on my own,

you know, figuring out who I...

Who I am.

Sure. Yeah. I see.

Well, no spoilers, but I think

you'll work out that you're pretty cool.

Thanks, Hunter.

Of course, the thing about being free as an actual bird

is I don't have to follow anybody's rules, even my own.

(BOTH LAUGH)

So, uh, yeah. Come on, tell me about this jazz bar.

So when should we tie the knot, then?

Next month? Next week? Next song?

Mother is free to travel at short notice.

One of the perks of being horrendously unemployed.

What about your family? They'll be fine.

On the weekend, I could meet them online.

Maybe put some faces to the names that I don't know.

Oh, look. Mini burgers.

Quick, let's get them before the mini people do.

Might just... I'm just going to pop to a jazz bar.

OK? Mum, this is your party!

Yeah. You don't like jazz.

Oh, I know. I'm probably going to go with

an Australian gentleman I've just met.

I'm free to do what I want to do.

I don't have to feel ashamed. But don't tell your father.

I'm going to be back around midnight, I guess.

And if I'm not, I'm gonna text you from Hunter's.

Hunter's? Hunter Sex Thompson.

Oh, my God, Mum! Seriously, don't tell your father.

Yeah. Are you alright?

Yeah. I'm fine. Yeah, great.

You're so mature. I'm so proud of you.

OK.

Love you. Bye.

I mean, it's my memoir, isn't it?

You know, it's sort of me I'm selling, you know?

Do I lean into mature or skew more youthful?

Youthful might not be an option, Dad.

That part has jettisoned.

Still no sign of Ingrid?

She was really going for it last night, wasn't she?

Probably sleeping it off in her room.

Mm-hm. That must be it.

Toast, tick. Tea, tick.

I'm gonna have a shower.

Prime temperature is 27 degrees clockwise.

Optimum pulse setting is third click.

Well, maybe I'll play some shower roulette.

I'll just do a random twist and see what I get.

Haley is so wild. Yeah.

I'll be off, then.

Sorry, I can't help it, Austin.

I'm really worried about this engagement.

Don't you like Haley? Of course I like Haley.

I love Haley. I think she's great for you.

You're great for her.

I'm struggling to see the problem, Dad,

you'll have to connect the dots for me.

The problem is, you've only known each other for,

what, a couple of months?

Most of that's been on holiday.

I mean, the rest of life just isn't like that.

It is for your royal family. Low blow.

Let me tell you about the work schedule of one Princess Anne.

The Worshipful Company of Saddlers doesn't patronise itself, you know.

I think you've strayed off topic, Dad.

Just take your time, both of you.

Don't rush into anything you might regret

because, you know...

...if it goes wrong, it really hurts.

Hey, Rishi, put it there.

Nice package.

You want to extend our engagement? Why? What's wrong?

Nothing's wrong.

We just need to be sure we're right for each other.

What if we stay engaged for a year?

A year?

Because that means I have to wait a year for S-E-X.

I'm pretty sure I know how to S-P-E-L-L.

All night?

Is it?

Nothing happened.

I mean, my brain, my brain was like,

"Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah."

But my body was like... (SQUEAKS)

OK, so, what? Did you sleep on the sofa?

No, he was an old-fashioned gentleman.

He slept on the sofa.

I slept on his maxi-sized titanium spring air-cooled bed,

and this morning, he brought me breakfast in bed.

He brought me avocado with poached egg,

little seeds on it. And guess what?

(LAUGHS) A home-grown pansy. So good!

Do you think you'll see him again?

No, I don't think so.

It was just a one-off.

I want to spend some time with YOU.

But, also, I do want to spend some time with myself.

Because I think these could be the Ingrid years.

(PHONE RINGS)

(GASPS) It's a message from Hunter.

"Do you want to meet later?"

"Yes."

Yes, I do.

Well, she's in last night's clothes.

Apparently, someone's getting some.

No, that's not what happened, actually.

(WHISPERS) Unfortunately.

Oh, there's a vibe. There is a vibe.

I'm concerned we might be getting married too fast.

Maybe you don't want to get married at all.

I do, actually. Seriously.

Has Julian said something?

Sadly, he has. Unbelievable!

I just feel like there needs to be a quicker way

for us to figure out that we're right for each other.

Yeah. What I wish I had known is that love is very like a car.

And, at some point, early doors,

you need to drive it super fast into a brick wall

to test its crumple zone.

OK. There is something you can do today

to really test your relationship, but it's not going to be easy.

We'll do whatever it takes.

Oh, no. I shouldn't have said anything.

No, please, Florence, I think, I think we need to.

OK.

You have to go furniture shopping together.

Furniture shopping. Why furniture shopping?

That doesn't sound so awful.

Oh, it's the fire under the rock to see if it cracks. You'll see.

Yeah. I need some items for my room in case I have a guest to stay.

Let's say, theoretically... We accept this challenge.

Yeah. OK. OK. Uh, where should we go then?

Well, there's a new place. It's Latvian.

Ajjleiyoud. Apparently,

it's the only place in the world that has every vowel in its name.

And that is cool. I'll ping you a list.

I'll send you some money. We will conquer this Ajjleiyoud.

And if you get tired, there's a cafe.

And it serves Latvian food.

Apparently a top Latvian dish is grey peas.

Grey peas. Grey peas.

OK, grey peas. We're coming for you.

If we get one bed, one desk, one table and one mirror,

the possible combinations outnumber all known planets.

Well, we have to make a decision soon.

Otherwise, we won't get to the cafe for grey peas.

Look, they have it. It's a 'gin o'clock' clock.

Why would anybody want one of those?

I work for lots of women Ingrid's age.

And you get them something like this and play some Bananarama,

and they forgive you for anything.

I think I might have decision paralysis.

That's OK. Um, why don't you make half the decisions

and I'll make the other half?

What if they clash?

Then we'll have failed Ingrid. And we cannot, must not fail.

Excuse me, madam,

which of these items do you think would create

the correct vibe for bringing a man home for sexual congress?

Or woman. Or woman.

My ex-stepmother may wish to experiment.

You see, they love this stuff.

OK, that checks out.

Julian, great to meet you. I'm Sam.

Sam, ha-ha.

You're not with the children's department, are you, by any chance?

I know you were expecting to meet someone from non-fiction,

but when the people upstairs heard you were coming,

they sent you straight to me. And I am just frothing to meet you.

Well, that's wonderful.

The thing is, I came about my memoirs,

and, uh, your readers weren't quite the ones I had in mind

when I wrote the chapter

about getting off my tits at the Hacienda.

The Hacienda was a nightclub.

The Big Bear TV show is on our screens soon, right?

End of next month.

Perfect moment to announce a whole new book series...

What, for children?

Yes, from the creators of Big Bear.

Creators plural?

You and Ingrid, the dream team. Yeah.

The thing is, Ingrid and I are sort of on different paths at the moment.

I'm sort of, you know, finding my own voice.

And it doesn't really use words like 'ka-plish' and 'boinkle'.

But you invented 'boinkle'.

I checked, it's a genre staple now.

Is that right? Wow!

Look, I'm sorry, Sam. You know, I mean,

if only we'd met 20 years ago.

Although I think you'd still have been at primary school.

Say five books initially.

Worldwide rights, multiply by three

because the Big Bear Show puts heat under you.

That's the deal I think I could wrangle from upstairs.

Wow, that is considerable!

If it's a new children's book series,

if it's a brilliant new idea,

and if we can announce it when the TV show drops.

Your words. Ingrid's art. We need Lennon and McCartney.

Tupac & Biggie.

I think three of those four people got shot.

But they died rich. Focus on the rich bit.

Can I see that one more time?

It's like staring at the sun.

Just bring me something sensational.

I'll talk to Ingrid.

Hey. We said no devices at the table, Dad.

No phones. This is a laptop.

I found the loophole.

Don't blame the player. Blame the game.

Oh, not the Cob Harper podcast again.

You don't like him just because he said Minister Keeds

was a squid clamped onto the face of the nation,

sucking the eyeballs out of it.

There's a lot of reasons I don't like Cob Harper,

but I'll add that to the list.

What's he saying today?

He says we all need to take a special pill

in case our blood goes fizzy.

Click here. I can order some online.

No, no, no, Dad, that's a paid advert.

I assume he said something about autism.

Oh, he said autism is a gift.

He did? M-m-maybe he said autism is a grift.

Austin is not putting it on.

Look, you're upset, Mel,

just because Austin hasn't asked you to organise his wedding.

Austin and Haley are grown adults. Whatever they do is fine with me.

I mean, maybe I've got some excellent ideas

about table decorations,

maybe I'd like to be involved,

but it's not like I'm sitting around waiting for their call.

I know what's wrong with you.

Fizzy blood.

I'll order you some pills. No, you won't.

Haley, what are you doing in the display bed?

I lie down when I'm stressed.

But we've narrowed it down to a shortlist.

No...

...YOU'VE narrowed it down to a shortlist, Austin.

None of my choices actually made it to the shortlist.

I liked your choices. It's just they were all wrong.

You just won't budge, will you? The shopping list.

You returned the 'It's gin o'clock' clock.

Us not having sex until we're married.

If you're suggesting that we do it right now in this bed,

the answer's no.

Strangers will stop by to observe

and won't hesitate to kink-shame us

and I'm not going to let that happen.

Is it just that you don't value my opinion?

That's not it.

And if I'm being tetchy, maybe it's because

you still won't say anything about the family that I'm marrying into.

You know what? The lamps in the office section

look pretty good, so I'm going to go back and check those out.

You can't go backwards in the store, Haley.

The arrows only indicate one way.

See you later, Austin.

If everybody went against the flow, havoc would ensue.

(SIGHS DEEPLY)

What are you staring at?

Florence told me you're seeing a publisher.

That's great.

You know... You know what that makes me think?

I mean, just say we wanted to,

I bet you and I could come up with something amazing.

Oh, yeah, I'm sure we could. Yeah. Blistering idea.

You know, a lot better than anything out there, anyway.

We're like Lennon and McCartney. Yeah, I was thinking Carole King

and another Carole King, but, yeah.

Who knows, you know?

Could even be lucrative.

Hey! (BANGS TABLE) What's to stop us?

Absolutely nothing.

Apart from the fact that it would be complete madness.

Not necessarily. Yeah.

We've just got divorced and very successfully.

Everybody says so. Look, look.

"It's great to see you two apart."

Yeah. "You two were made not to be together."

My friend Beth says that we have given her the courage

to cut all contact with her adult children.

We're inspiring people, Julian. Yeah, sure, but...

And if we now go to them and we go,

"Oh, hey, guys, actually, we've decided

"we're still going to work together,"

I think we're just going to be letting them all down.

Yeah, I suppose, but, you know...

It's so good, though, that you brought it up.

So that we can be totally clear and kick it into the long grass.

Because let's be frank, in the past,

sometimes when we have agreed together not to do something,

you have just gone and done it anyway.

And that is actually why we're divorced.

(DOOR OPENS)

Hey, Austin, how did it go? Did you get...?

Oh.

We didn't buy you anything.

We had a row instead.

We didn't conquer Ajjleiyoud. It conquered us.

And no offence to the Baltic region,

but grey peas taste like cardboard crap.

Where's Haley? Gone to be miserable upstairs.

May I borrow a room to be glum in, please?

Oh, uh, well, the living room's free.

I guess I'll consider my bleak future in there.

What happened?

They went furniture shopping together to test the relationship.

Joint furniture shop. Those poor Aussie lambs.

What? All because you talked to Austin earlier.

My fault?! No, no, no, no. I just told them to take a breath.

Slow down, you know?

Didn't tell them to split up altogether.

Yeah, because, otherwise, Austin would blame him forever.

Yeah. It's not about me, is it?

But, yes, I am actually quite scared about that,

so, uh, hang on a minute.

Whose idea was it for them to go shopping?

Mine. Mine. It was mine. So it's actually your fault.

Well, it can be both of our faults, but it's still mostly yours.

There's no point bickering over whose fault it was, Flo.

Mainly yours. But I now have some work to do.

What do you think, Florence? Honestly.

Really honestly?

I think marriage is a patriarchal construct

designed to subordinate women.

There is literally no metric by which we aren't better off single.

But Austin's great, and so are you.

And, you know, if anyone can make it work, it's you two.

Yeah.

Thanks, Florence.

But if you do decide to take his last name,

Haley Hogan does sound like a cartoon character.

But, you know, we'll deal with that later.

Haley Hogan.

All I want is to make Haley happy.

But what if I can't? You're gonna make her happy, Austin.

But we couldn't even pick out a few bits of furniture

for Ingrid without having a massive row.

I think, Florence, as she feels so bad about this,

designed it as a sort of Kobayashi Maru test.

Star Trek reference, I do apologise.

I'll allow it.

It refers to a test designed to have no successful outcome.

Unless you're Captain Kirk and he cheated,

which is just wrong.

Look, I can't guarantee how things will turn out

with you and Haley,

but I think you're going about it the right way.

I really do. Thanks, Dad.

Haley.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry, too.

A little bit.

Is it OK that we failed the test?

Yeah.

Austin, we're gonna fail so many more tests.

All that matters is how we pick ourselves up

and that we try again.

Would a hug help?

Just as long as it's not going

to make you feel like a koala getting hugged by a tourist.

I never do with you.

Not too tightly.

The grey peas are still running around in there.

Oh. Sorry.

OK. Let's go. Yeah.

Together again. Oh-ho!

Thank God. Well, no harm done, eh?

There was considerable harm done.

Yeah, well, I'll make it up to you. Anything you want.

That's very generous of you. Like a pizza.

Or you could pay for the wedding.

That's a bit excessive. Actually, no.

This is your chance to make up for every gift you never got me.

My first birthday. My second birthday.

My first Christmas. My second Christmas.

Hang on, hang on a minute.

Um, traditionally, it's the bride's parents that pay, so...

I mean, strictly speaking, it's their problem.

I mean, um, on a...

Haley, uh, I expect your parents

would be really miffed if they didn't pay.

Oh, no. My parents are really, really relaxed.

They don't... They wouldn't care.

You can't seriously be suggesting I'm paying for the whole wedding.

You're paying for the wedding? No.

I mean, you've always been kind of mean, to be honest,

but maybe you're changing.

I like it.

This is definitely a game-changer. Thanks, Dad.

Thanks, Julian. Guys, guys, it's not what this...

(SIGHS DEEPLY)

Hear you're paying for the wedding.

It's very generous of you.

File me under "pleasantly surprised"

Wow.

I mean, that's gone up a bit in 30 years.

Ha-ha.

I'm just going to come out and say it.

I've hardly spent any time with Austin.

I mean, Florence, I've had 20 years of value out of her.

I mean, grand a year, 20-grand wedding, no problem.

But Austin, pro rata,

I can't be on the hook with him for more than, what,

a few hundred quid?

He's barely going to get a pub and a pasty for that.

Well, I'm delighted to say this no longer involves me.

I'm off out. Seeing anyone in particular?

No.

Have fun.

Thank you. Or don't.

I mean, preferably don't.

And if I do? It's none of my business.

(UNDER HIS BREATH) Average wedding cost...

Man alive!

(SIGHS DEEPLY)

Hi. It's Sam, children's editor. Thistle and Row,

please leave a message.

Sam, it's Julian.

Um, I just wanted to give you the good news.

Uh, fanfare. Drum roll.

(IMITATES A FANFARE)

Ingrid says yes.

So I look forward to bringing you that sensational book idea pronto.

And, uh, yeah,

if you want to action the advance,

that would be most appreciated.

Yeah. In your own time.

But now.

It's gonna be fine.

Yeah. It's going to be absolutely fine.

Pub venues.

I've been up since five

drafting a memorandum of understanding vis-a-vis our wedding.

I know a guy who can make all of those pesky decisions for you.

If we say that it's a party,

it could be a 10% discount.

Knock another ten off if you don't use the toilets.

I hear that you and Ingrid are doing a new kids' book.

Now, I've asked her. She said no. Yeah, problem.

I just think I need to get straight back on the horse.

Oh, but am I the horse?

And I am Catherine the Great.

Captions by Red Bee Media

Copyright Australian Broadcasting Corporation

Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0