Original subtitles

[theme music]

- ♪ I'm goin' down to South America ♪

♪ Have myself a time ♪

- ♪ Friendly faces everywhere ♪

♪ Humble folks without temptation ♪

- ♪ I'm goin' down to South America ♪

♪ Leave my woes behind ♪

- ♪ Ample parking day or night ♪

♪ People spouting, "Howdy, neighbor" ♪

- ♪ I'm headin' on up to South America ♪

♪ See if I can't unwind ♪

- ♪ [mumbling] ♪

- ♪ So come on down to South America ♪

♪ Meet some friends of mine ♪

[indistinct chatter]

GARRISON: OK, kids, let's take our seats.

Now I know you've all heard about the midterms

and the severe beating our president took.

- What are midterms?

- And of course, we could just go on and on

and make a bunch of jokes about him,

but it's no fun punching down on a helpless loser.

So we're just gonna sort of not do that this week, OK?

However, the school is going to be implementing some

liberal changes, and so

please welcome...

PC Principal.

[upbeat techno music]

- Fuck yeah!

♪ ♪

Fuck yes, dude!

♪ ♪

Yeah, we are back!

We are fucking back, baby!

Whoo!

Oh. All right, everyone, listen up.

I don't know about you, but I've been pretty messed up

the last couple years,

but we are back!

We're fucking back, bro.

Fuck yes, bro! Fuck yeah!

We are gonna get shit back on track.

We are gonna be tolerant.

We're gonna be respectful of all races.

We're gonna have fucking sex changes all fucking students.

We're gonna--we're gonna support fucking Palestine!

And we are no longer

going to forget about the minority

and the gay students at this school.

- Gay students at this school?

Oh, my God.

[school bell rings]

You guys. You guys!

We forgot. Oh, my God, guys,

we totally forgot. - We forgot what?

- Last week with the stupid elections

and us bitching about the school lunches,

we forgot it was Craig and Tweek's anniversary.

[all gasp]

- Wait, it was? [gasps]

Oh, my God, it was.

- It was their anniversary and we all forgot.

I feel like such an asshole, you guys.

- Hey, fellas. Fellas, we just realized something.

- Yes, Jimmy, we all feel horrible.

Nobody remembered Tweek and Craig's anniversary.

- No, i-it's worse than that.

We're not the only ones who forgot.

- Uh, Craig?

- Oh, hey, Tweek.

- Uh, I was thinking maybe it would be cool to do something.

You know, like, we haven't hung out in a bit.

- Yeah, sorry, Tweek, I've been crazy busy.

I had practice all last week and then five big games

over the weekend.

- Wow. That much, huh?

Ever since you got on that team, it seems like you always

have a big game.

- Yeah, I know.

Club sports aren't like school sports.

It seriously takes up all my time.

They charge my parents a ton of money

and I have to be totally committed.

- Yeah, being committed is important.

- Yeah, I guess so.

Well, we'll hang out soon, OK?

- Uh, hey, Craig.

Happy--

happy practice time.

- Thanks. I'll try to call you later, OK?

[somber music]

♪ ♪

[cell phone ringing]

♪ ♪

[phone beeps]

- Bro, I am so sorry.

- It's fine. I'm fine.

- No, everyone feels like shit, dude.

And we heard Craig forgot too. But don't worry, man.

Craig's gonna always be there for you.

- No, I know, it's just 'cause he's been really busy

with his club sports, with all his games and practices.

- Oh, he's doing club sports?

Oh. - What?

- No, no, nothing. It's cool.

Just kids that get into club sports kind of

aren't able to do anything ever again.

Well, I mean, it's just, they get new friends

and they're all club sports friends, you know.

And they hang out in hotels together and go on trips.

You ever seen that show, "Heated Rivalry," Tweek?

- No! - Yeah, it's not good.

Those guys go at it pretty hardcore.

Well, have a good day, Tweek. Happy anniversary.

[phone beeps]

- Bah!

Ahh!

- School sports are fine,

but they only take a child so far.

That's why it's great to hear

you might wanna join club sports.

- Ah! Yeah! I wanna join club sports.

- OK, great!

Now, folks, did you have that $26 tryout fee?

- Oh, well, we're just seeing what it's all about first.

- Yeah, that's a $26 fee.

Then we can talk about the club sports.

[beep]

OK, great!

So SACS was founded earlier this year.

I actually used to own a branding company

called Cumhammer,

but when AI came along, nobody needed branding companies

so I turned it into an underwear company,

and that underwear company now sponsors

this amazing facility for kids!

- Mom, Dad, please, I really want to do this.

- Tweek, I don't know if we even have the time.

- Well, that's just it, isn't it?

How much time are we willing to take for our kids?

With the $26 fee, we could just assess if this is right

for your child.

- OK, fine.

- OK, great. That'll be $26.

- No, we paid the $26.

- That was a different $26.

This is a $26 assessment fee.

[beep] OK, well,

looking at your child, I'd say he's good for club sports.

Assessment passed. Ready to move on?

- How much more would we have to spend?

- There's club dues, and you have to purchase

officially licensed Cumhammer apparel,

but you have to think of your child's future.

Without this, he probably won't get into college.

- Ah-ha!

- All these other kids are doing it.

They're gonna leave him in the dust,

and he's gonna have no future at all.

He'll be dead in a ditch.

- Wha-ha-ha!

- Well, I-I guess we could try it.

- All right!

Let's get some paperwork going,

get you guys fitted, and he can start club sports

tomorrow morning!

[alarm blaring]

- Gah!

We gotta go!

[birds tweeting]

- [yawns] God.

- How much further is it?

- It's a long way, Tweek.

- Hey, folks, you made it!

You ready to go, Tweek?

- Gah!

- OK, you can park right over there, folks.

It's just a $15 parking fee.

But SACS gets a discount,

so it's just 10 bucks if you go through us.

[beep]

Come right on in this way.

Oh, did you folks want to come in too?

- Well, yes, what else are we supposed to--

- OK, it's just a $20 spectator fee

for your wristbands.

[beep]

All right, we're gonna get the kids warmed up.

Why don't you folks head up to the bar?

- Hey, Craig!

- Tweek?

- Yeah. I joined the club, Craig.

- Why?

- Y-you're not excited to see me?

- Yes, I'm extremely excited to see you.

- You don't sound very excited.

- I never sound excited. [whistle blares]

- All right, guys, come on, let's get ready!

Now, before we start this big day,

is everyone wearing Cumhammer underwear?

all: Yes.

- OK, great, now let's get my A tier level kids over here,

and my B tier kids over there.

Oh, no, no, no, no, you're B tier, there, Tweek.

You gotta get on that side.

I don't want you guys mixing with the B tier kids, all right?

They suck. Fuck those kids.

- Oh, hey, guys.

We heard Tweek joined club sports.

- Yeah, we didn't know it would be this far of a drive.

- Yes, well, we all have to sacrifice for our kids.

- OK, great job, parents!

Really good turnout this morning.

OK, now everyone...

back in your cars!

We're gonna get to Castle Pines for the next one!

Come on, let's go! Get those kids to the next one!

Don't let them get left behind!

- Whoa, whoa, wait, we're leaving?

The kids haven't played anything.

- What do you mean? We're playing right now.

Come on, you gotta get your kid to the next thing!

Let's go, go, go!

- ♪ Yay-yay ♪

[hip-hop music]

- ♪ Uh-huh - Come on, Tweek.

- [Tweek grunts] - ♪ Uh-huh ♪

- Where's it say we're supposed to go?

- Uh, I think it's the next highway.

♪ ♪

- ♪ We be clubbin' ♪

- Great job, Mom and Dad!

They're just doing $6 parking here.

[beep] - ♪ Get your club on ♪

- ♪ We clubbin' - OK, yelllow wrist band

for spectators.

[beep] - ♪ Yay-yay ♪

- ♪ We be clubbin' ♪

- All right, let's go, South America!

Come on, we gotta get to Thorton.

- ♪ We be clubbin' ♪

- 37 miles, then get on C-470.

- ♪ Get your club on - Ah-ha!

- ♪ We be clubbin' - ♪ Yay-yay ♪

- All right, let's get that parking.

[beep]

Purple wristbands? Who needs purple wristbands?

- ♪ Get your club on - ♪ We be clubbin' ♪

- Listen, I don't even want you looking

at those B tier kids, OK?

Fuck them. They're fucking terrible.

OK, gotta check in to the motel, moms and dads!

- ♪ We be clubbin' ♪

- Come on, Dad. Come on, Dad.

Check in to that motel!

- I-I think we're just gonna sleep at home.

- Doesn't matter. You gotta stay to play.

Come on, Dad! Club sports! Club sports!

- ♪ Get your club

- ♪ We be clubbin' ♪

[beep] - ♪ Yay-yay ♪

- ♪ We be clubbin' [beep]

- You got those keys? OK, fuck those keys.

You don't need 'em. Let's get to Evergreen!

Get this special merchandise!

Come on, get that merchandise!

Let's go, South America! South America, let's go!

[alarm blaring] [both screaming]

- We gotta go! We gotta go!

- We gotta go!

- Tweek! - Ahh!

- We gotta get to Boulder!

- Waah!

- Electrolytes! Everyone take electrolytes!

Tweek, electrolytes!

- Good job, Mom and Dad. [beep]

There's your parking.

OK, now turn around and get to Fort Collins!

It's an hour that way! Go, go, go!

- Oh!

- Craig? Craig, I don't understand this.

W-we just keep driving from town to town,

checking into hotel rooms, and paying for stuff!

- Yeah, dude, it's club sports.

It totally sucks. Why'd you want to join this?

- Well, because I thought I could spend time with you.

I just want to do something to--

you know, celebrate.

- Well, you're in club sports now too,

so you're just as busy as me.

I think maybe we have the afternoon off

a week from Thursday.

We could try to do something then.

- Whoa, whoa! What's going on, you two?

You're not supposed to be together.

You can't hang out with the B tier kids, OK?

They're terrible. Just look at 'em.

No, don't actually look at 'em. They'll make you sick.

- So how are you guys liking club sports so far?

- Oh, it's pretty exhausting.

This week we've had to wake up at 5:00 in the morning

a few times and go to 20 different towns.

- Well, lucky your kid's just in B tier.

In A tier we've had to get up at 3:30 a.m.

to get our kid to training and dieticians

before driving to 30 different towns

and stay in 14 different hotel rooms.

- Oh, you're so lucky you only have one kid.

We spent the week getting up at 2:00 in the morning

to get our three kids to 50 different cities

and stay at 9 hotel rooms at the same time.

- I wish we could just drive to 50 different cities.

We woke up every morning at midnight to get our four kids

to 87 different hotel rooms while we were still driving

so we could get our youngest to a meet

in a little town at the top of Mount Evans.

- Don't we wish we could sleep until midnight?

I volunteer to run concessions for the meetups

and my husband does the video for the livestream,

so we've had to wake up before we've had dinner

and drive to 120 different towns

and stay in 200 motel rooms in the state of Nevada.

UBER MOM: Hey, guys!

- Oh, God, it's the Bowers.

- Oh, my God, I'm exhausted!

WE just drove our six kids to 92 different cities,

got our youngest to a meet at the bottom of the Grand Canyon,

and stayed at 46 hotels in one afternoon!

- Yeah, yeah, you guys are really good parents.

- Well, I don't know about that,

but we did run all the concessions

and the streaming cameras in the entire southeast United States.

- It was crazy!

But who wouldn't do all that for their kids, right?

Who wouldn't?

CRAIG: Tweek? Tweek, wait up.

- Hey, Craig. - Tweek,

I think I owe you an apology.

I forgot something and it was really important,

and I'm sorry.

- Really? - Yeah.

I forgot my parents are driving me to a hydrating seminar

a week from Thursday, so I actually can't hang out.

What?

- You don't care about anything, do you?

- What? - Your parents say

you gotta do all this stuff and you're just like...

[gruff voice] OK, I guess I just gotta do this now.

My name's Craig. Whatever.

I don't really care about anything.

- Hey, knock it off. That's not cool.

- [normally] Oh, you care about that?

[gruff voice] I thought Craig Tucker

didn't care about anything. Whatever. It's fine.

- I don't sound like that.

- [gruff voice] "I don't sound like that."

It is what it is, Tweek.

- If you feel like that, then why are we even together?

- [normally] You call all this being together?

- Hold on a second!

You guys are fucking gay?

- We used to be best friends.

- Yeah, we were best friends for about a year!

- Why didn't you tell me you were fucking gay?

That can bring in big money!

Well, this changes everything!

- I don't know how the other parents do it, Helen.

All the money, all the time--

we can't keep up with these club sports.

- Richard, I think we might have to face the fact that

we're just shitty parents.

- Yeah, I guess we're just shitty parents.

But there's no way we can keep this up.

We've gotta cut our losses and get back to coffee.

We're just gonna have to break the news to Tweek

that he's not gonna have any future

and he'll probably get left behind.

[knocking on door]

Oh, boy.

- Hey, folks! How we doin'?

- Wait, what?

How--how did you get in the front door?

- I have a wristband.

Got some really exciting news, Mom and Dad!

Your son's just made triple A tier!

I brought you guys some free swag.

Some champagne.

And out in the car, there's a year's supply

of Cumhammer underwear!

- Look, I'm sorry, but we've decided

we don't have what it takes to be club sports parents.

- I don't think you understand.

Your son is triple A now!

- So what is that?

More money?

- No! No way!

Your son's a player, not a payer.

- Look, I'm just gonna come out and say it.

There's something really special about your child.

He's got a big future ahead of him.

And a child as elite as yours, they're up here.

They're not payin' for stuff.

- So then who pays for him?

- All those other kids.

They're not players, they're payers.

Fuck those kids.

They're gonna pay your son's way.

- The problem is, we have a coffee shop to run.

- Well, that's OK.

SACS is gonna get employees

to work your coffee shop for you too!

And you know who's gonna pay for it?

Those other fuckin' kids, that's who's gonna pay for it.

All the parents and kids who aren't great at this stuff,

fuck those kids!

This is triple A, guys.

You're in the big leagues now.

[rock music]

SACS LEADER: We all love our kids.

We all want what's best for them.

And in today's world,

all our children really need... is SACS.

South American Club Sports will give your child

the skills they need to succeed in life.

Skills like checking in to hotel rooms

while applying group rates,

managing frequent flier miles,

downloading parking apps, and so much more.

Doesn't your child deserve to have SACS?

We are the one youth sports club

with all the very best young athletes.

And now South American Club Sports even has

triple A members...

Tweek and Craig!

Heated Rivalry!

Don't let your child miss out

on being a part of a winning team.

Just listen to what Tweek and Craig have to say

about South America Club Sports.

♪ ♪

Come on, guys, what do you have to say

about South America Club Sports?

Hey, come on, gay guys.

You can be mad at each other,

but you gotta still work for the team.

- Hey what are us A tier kids supposed to do?

- You're supposed to get outta here!

You can't be around triple A kids!

You guys fuckin' suck!

- That doesn't feel very nice, sir.

- I don't care! Go stare in the toilet

or something, you pieces of shit!

All right, come on, gay guys.

Just say, like, "SACS builds confidence."

- [laughs] It's just been a crazy day!

We had to drive to the northeast,

work the concessions at 100 cities,

and check in to every hotel room in Vermont.

- Well, we had to get up

and fly to every airport in California.

- Oh, yeah, poor you. [laughing]

TWEEK'S MOM: Oh, hey, guys!

Oh, my God, we just got our itinerary

for triple A team!

It's crazy!

- Mr. And Mrs. Tweek?

- Yeah, as a triple A parent,

you really have to sacrifice for your child.

We're about to go all over the world!

- Itinerary's pretty crazy.

Every city in Europe followed by

3,000 hotels in the South Pacific,

accessible only by submersible--

and that's just the first two days.

- But you know, who wouldn't want

to sacrifice for their kids?

- You fucking bitch.

[toy squeaks]

- Come on, gay kids.

[toy squeaks]

Come on, let's see some enthusiasm.

[toy squeaks]

- Can't you just be happy that

we're in the same league now?

I'm happy.

I'm super happy.

- No, you're not happy!

We're in triple A, so now we're never gonna

have a free minute to do anything!

This is stupid.

I quit!

[door slams]

- What the hell are you doin'? You gotta go after him!

- Just leave him alone.

He doesn't wanna do it.

- Well, you gotta go convince him to do it!

I can put you on B team like that, Craig.

And all the money your parents spent

will be for nothin'!

Now go get him!

- Damn it.

Tweek, please don't leave

- Why, Craig?

Because you need me to make triple A tier?

- Yes.

And because I want you around.

- If you wanted me around, you never would have

joined this in the first place.

- You joined it too.

- Yes, to be with you!

But all it does is completely consume your life!

I don't understand why you'd want to do it!

- Because I am freaking out, OK?

They told me I wouldn't have a future!

They said I would get left behind

and that I wouldn't get into college and...

[screaming]

- [screaming]

- [breathing heavily]

What if I don't achieve anything?

What--what if everyone else is better than me?

What if I'm not pushing myself to have a future,

and competing to--

- Craig, Craig!

It's OK.

You gotta calm down, man.

I didn't know you were feeling all this.

But trust me...

I know exactly what it's like.

You can't let them get to you.

It's OK to just be a kid for a while

and enjoy the little things.

- Oh, shit, I forgot our anniversary, didn't I?

[soft music]

- It's OK, Craig.

- No, it's not.

You make me happier than anyone in the world.

I don't know what happened to me.

- I do.

You got swindled by a fat con man

who played into your anxieties.

And then that played into mine.

But I'm gonna be hopeful about our future.

- ♪ Love can heal ♪

♪ ♪

♪ Love can heal ♪

- Hey, where you going?

You're triple A!

Don't get left behind!

- ♪ Love can heal ♪

♪ Love can heal ♪

♪ ♪

♪ Love can heal ♪

♪ ♪

♪ Love can heal ♪

♪ ♪