Original subtitles

SAMEER: I'm excited to be locked into fatherhood,

to circumcise him.

I couldn't do it. You do it. He's yours.

DONNA: That's my kid, Sameer.

What do you want, you paedos?

How can you not tell me you have a whole damn child?

I left her before I could mess her up.

Hey, look, front and centre. And your dad.

He was targeted by a gang. Things got really dangerous.

And then he had to go to Sri Lanka.

The gangster thing, it didn't happen.

It's just a dumb story his mum made up.

I know about Dad. Why would you lie to me my whole life,

making up some bullcrap story?

Everyone knows you can't handle the truth.

That's true.

I'm flying to Sri Lanka to find my dad.

At least clingwrap it!

You just rawdogged a chicken drumstick into your bag.

I'll declare it, OK?

It's not like I'm smuggling a freaking penguin!

Sameer Yusuf, is it?

That's what my mum always told me, but...I don't know any more.

Oh, sorry. It's my dad - the man I'm worried I'm becoming,

or worse, the man I already am.

Sir, you didn't tick here - purpose of your trip.

Oh, business.

Serious business. What kind of work?

Inner work.

I'm doing the work.

And how much baggage are you carrying?

Like, a lifetime. I'm here... Secondary screening. Go.

(PHONE VIBRATES)

What do you want?

How was your last-minute overpriced flight?

Are you ready to bash your dad?

You're just as bad as him. I look after my kid...financially.

Are you going to wait 30 years for your kid to track you down, too?

I'm giving her something to overcome.

That builds character.

She'll be thanking me one day. Yeah, people always say,

"Oh, life really turned around for me after my mum abandoned me."

If she is happy and alive, I've done my job.

Everything above that is just ego.

I hope you get ripped off everywhere you go.

Ripped off? My face equals local prices.

Yeah, but your accent screams, "Charge this guy double."

SRI LANKAN ACCENT: My accent?

What accent are you referring to, Donna?

There's just no way you're ever going to find him.

Let me tell you something about the world, right?

In communal societies, neighbours aren't strangers, yeah?

Everyone knows everyone.

(SIGHS)

This is it. Here. Here. Just stop here. Thanks.

Sir, wait! It's too much.

(IMAM SPEAKS TAMIL)

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

(SPEAKS TAMIL) Um...

Are you OK? I'm just looking for my dad.

This boy has lost his daddy. Oh, not just now. Like, um...

Like, years ago. What does he look like?

Uh, well, he's about five foot eight, um, he's got a moustache,

uh, brown skin, black hair.

Are you sure you've never seen him?

No, no see. No.

No see. You don't recognise him at all?

Never. Psst! Oi!

Don't advertise you're a foreigner, man.

Foreigner? I'm from here, actually.

Dude, your whole vibe is,

"I'm an idiot from abroad. Please rob me."

What are you, a bloody cop or something?

What, do I look corrupt?

I take white women in yoga pants on spiritual retreats.

I have to listen to their problems and go, "Oh, you poor thing!"

Do you know him? Can you help me find him?

I can be a white woman. "I'm here to heal my inner child."

See? And drink chai.

Come on, Sukti. He's circling. Why is he circling?

Oh, he's definitely eating it.

Crazy that you were locked out of your Uber Eats account

for two whole weeks.

Right? Yeah.

Yeah. Um, hey, I'm totally going to reimburse you,

once I'm back up and running, for today and all the other meals.

Oh, hey, I've been getting into meal prep.

(CHUCKLES) It's a great way to spend your entire Sunday.

And it's not just food. It's your whole system.

Like, I prep my meals, I prep my week.

I prep my week, I prep my life.

Bro, you need to learn to live in the moment.

That's what she said just before she left.

Shit, that is the saddest "that's what she said"

I've ever heard. (SCHOOL BELL RINGS)

Speaking of which...

Hi. I just want to talk to you

about your safety policies around four square.

We've identified a particular player at the school -

strong, striking, quite violent.

We think she might be a problem. Alex?

Lovely girl. Very quick. Very smart.

It's... It's Donna, isn't it?

Er, no, that's a misprint. It's...Diane.

Rachel's mentioned you. You ARE on the enrolment.

You can come in anytime.

Oh, OK.

(SCHOOL BELL RINGS) Good.

MAN: Tell me more about your father. St Aloysius Boys' High School.

Very helpful. Yeah. Oh, and he played cricket!

Ah, cricket! Yeah. He was, um...

Like, he was part of a team and...

Oh! He, um... He was, like, a big smoker.

Smoker. Yeah.

Is any of this actually helpful? No, super helpful.

Oh, OK. Yeah. Super helpful.

Hello. Come, come, come. This is our friend, huh?

Yeah, I'm just looking for my...

Show her the picture. Oh, yeah.

Uh... Lost his daddy.

Oh.

You know him, no? Yes. Yes, yes, yes.

Yes. Yes, yes, yes.

The credit card. Tap the credit card.

Uh, yeah, sure. OK. Thank you.

So, we'll go from here, then go to the other.

So, what...? Here, come.

I didn't order any of this.

My dad.

Yes, yes.

Ooh! Oh, my God! Fantastic. That's a great choice.

This is him.

(BOTH LAUGH) What?

Ah, no, no.

He came last week. Huh?

What? He...told where he works.

No way! See, machan? Patience, huh?

How do you say...? "She'll be right."

(LAUGHS) Huh?

While brain remembers, buy shirts for good luck

to help find father.

Buy first, then memory will arrive.

Oh, I think I... I think I paid too much. This...

Huh? Why? This is too many rupees.

Unless the decimal's in the wrong place.

Ah, small decimal, big progress, man.

Yeah. Well, can you remember now?

Ado, patience. It's rude to rush a busy man, huh?

Hey, I saw that!

Hey! Hey! Your card, sir.

Oh. (PHONE VIBRATES)

Hello. Are you in Sri Lanka?

How? You saw me last night.

(MAN SPEAKS TAMIL) Hey!

Shh! (SPEAKS TAMIL)

Well, don't get kidnapped.

Why would I get kidnapped?

I'm not an idiot, or a kid, or in Sri Lanka.

You're too trusting in a stupid way.

What? What, are you street smart now?

Smart enough to know you are time-wasting there.

Your child is here, Sameer.

So am I, OK? And you wouldn't get it, OK?

You grew up with everything - you had both your parents, money.

Your big struggle was raising me. Wow!

Big deal! You know what? You would have no idea how...

(DISCONNECT TONE BEEPS)

Oh, my God! I went to the gym with my son's grandmother,

so, naturally, I've broken my mum's heart.

Just chill!

Oh, you want me to chill, like Husna?

Hmm? Yeah, she is so chill. (SIGHS)

Well, I can be...more chill!

Yeah!

I'm a chill bro. I'm a queen.

Yes, queen! Look at me! I'm on the decks, even.

# Chill, baby, chill, baby Uh-uh, uh-uh-uh. #

Six, uh, seven. Six... Kids do this, yeah?

# Ho-ho-ho-ho! #

Guess what I am doing. (HISSES)

Graffiti.

I should be in jail, I am so chill. Yeah, you should.

You are not a chill-out mum.

SAMEER: Update - nearly found my dad. (CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS)

(PHONE BEEPS) DONNA: Update -

my kid is lovely and smart, so suck shit.

She's fine, so I'm fine.

You didn't have to move back into your dump.

Get out of there before you become rat food.

Hey!

Fancy seeing you here in your fancy new shirt.

You like it? Did you get a good price?

(SIGHS) You have a romantic idea of what Colombo is.

You think it's a small village.

Why would you lie to me all day just to get some money out of me?

All my bedtime stories my mum told me were about here -

jumping a neighbour's fence to steal mangoes with my dad,

getting caned by her teachers in front of their own parents,

or how she used to save up all of her rupees

for months just to buy a slice of love cake

from the Royal Bakery nearby.

You poor thing.

(BOTH LAUGH)

See? I am a white woman! (LAUGHS)

Call me Sandra.

I hope you find your father, man. Really. (CHUCKLES)

Eat. Your paratha will get hard and it'll break your teeth.

You must train him. Otherwise, he will control you.

AALEYAH: What? Train him? (CALM MUSIC PLAYS ON PHONE)

He's not a dog. (SIGHS) Look at this room.

This is why Omar is so upset.

Can you just leave me alone for, like, five minutes?

Please!

Shh, shh, shh!

(OMAR CRIES SOFTLY)

(BIRD SQUAWKS ON RECORDING) Oh, God!

(OMAR CRIES LOUDLY)

And take your phone!

Do you think I'll make my flight?

If you miss it, maybe that's good. Maybe it will crash.

Planes are always crashing.

Either way, don't worry.

(SPEAKS TAMIL)

"Allah knows what's coming, even when you don't."

(SIGHS CONTENTEDLY)

Family meeting, you and me.

I don't know. It's not mine.

This is your mother's cooking log book -

every single meal she has ever made since 2001,

itemised, rated.

"March 2003.

"Dhal and rice. Six out of ten.

"Aaleyah didn't finish. Too watery."

I was seven. "November 2011.

"Chicken curry. Nine out of ten.

"Too much cumin. Husband said nothing - typical.

"Lamb biryani. Four out of ten.

"I tried a new YouTube aunty. Never again."

Oh, my God! She was doing Yelp.

This is a national treasure.

I have analysed her work...

..all 23,419 meals.

Average rating - 7.8. Standard deviation - moderate.

Consistency - very high.

Today. "Lunch - paratha and keema.

"Aaleyah's favourite. Uneaten.

"Zero out of ten."

Meeting adjourned.

(SNORES) (SCAMPERING)

(SQUEAKING)

(GASPS, WHIMPERS)

(PHONE VIBRATES) Hey.

Dude, the rats nearly killed me! (SIGHS) I told you!

Listen, my entire life flashed in front of my eyes.

Yeah? A lot of Sex And The City marathons?

(IMITATES SAMEER) "A lot of...?"

And that one time that you pissed your pants

and pretended it was rain.

It WAS rain.

Listen, two thoughts hit me really hard.

Rats are literal devils sent by Satan.

And my kid - I just kept seeing her face.

Wait, wait. Stop, stop, stop!

(DISCONNECT TONE BEEPS) Hello?

I'll be back. Just a sec.

(PHONE RINGS)

Mum, was it the Royal Bakery that you lived near?

Royal Bakery? No, the... Why?

If this place is royal, I'm the Duke of Dandenong.

Are you there - at Royal Bakery?

Sameer?

Mum, you told me you lived in, like, this massive house, like...

..like a palace with gates and...

I didn't know you were...

You loved my stories before bed, Sameer.

Mum, you said that you used to climb mountains

and cross rivers barefoot just to get to school.

It's right down the street.

There must have been some renovations.

You can't renovate a mountain, Mum.

So, have you found him?

How? Do you think Sri Lanka's just some giant WhatsApp group?

Like I could just walk around going,

"Hey, do you know a Mohammed Yusuf with a moustache?"

Everyone's got a moustache, Mum, even the kids!

And also, how would I find him? Like, I'm not here.

I'm not there. I'm here.

What are the chances of finding a Mohammed Yusuf

in a city of millions, Sameer?

Yeah, thanks, Captain Obvious of Sri Lanka.

Mum, I've got to go.

(HEARTBEAT QUICKENS)

(BREATHES DEEPLY)

(SIGHS)

(SIGHS)

(PHONE ALARM RINGS)

(EXHALES DEEPLY)

Hey. Excuse me. Um, do you do buzzcuts

or do you just buzz off when your kids are born?

Yeah, that's good. That's good.

Uh...

(SPEAKS SINHALA)

Um, what? Uh, what do you want?

Uh, just whatever you reckon.

Hmm. Back and sides?

Uh, yeah, yeah.

Two separate costs.

Back and side. Hmm?

OK.

Do you want a fringe?

Uh, a fringe?

That is extra.

Uh...

Yeah, no fringe.

(HEART BEATS SLOWLY)

OK?

Uh, yeah, it's great, thanks, uncle.

I mean, it's great. Thank you.

Is the...? Is the mint extra?

First one included.

I've, uh...

I've only got Aussie dollars.

Give a big round of applause for Jenna's dad.

What are we doing, Dons? Shh! Just go with it.

Good afternoon. I'm Donna, and this is Brian.

CHILDREN: Good afternoon, Donna and Brian.

We're paramedics.

We drive fast, we save lives,

and occasionally we get vomited on, understandably.

Now, unlike some of these people,

we're going to teach you something you might actually need.

Get on the table.

Donna, I've dreamed of this moment, but there are kids watching.

Oh.

Now, when your friend or your enemy is choking,

because choking does not discriminate,

you have to use force - real force.

Do not be polite.

You are evicting food. Yeah.

First aid is like...

..just caring for someone till proper help arrives.

It's just like families, you know.

Some kids have two parents that care for them - classic.

And other kids just have the one

'cause maybe the other parent stepped away

'cause they knew that they weren't ready,

um, to raise kids.

Shall we go through the steps, Dons?

And then, one day, they realise that they really want to...

(GRUNTS)

..but they can't... Ooh!

..or it's too late... Ooh!

I've still got my chewing gum. ..or they just aren't.

(GASPS FOR AIR)

I guess what I'm saying is, just remember that

your mum loves you. (GASPS) Donna!

Ew! That's disgusting. Let's go.

(COUGHS)

(GASPS) Thank you. Thank you.

(COUGHS) Get your gum!

(PHONE VIBRATES)

Salam, Husna.

OK. Yeah, you can see Omar...

..on one condition.

Was this her idea? Oh, please!

What kind of ideas do you think...? Thank you...for coming.

Omar is not choosing between his grandmas.

He's going to get both.

And despite what you've been saying, he looks like the both of you.

It's genetics.

He looks like her?!

Did you moisturise with olive oil? Did you get dressed in the dark?

(SNIFFS) You smell like a public toilet.

(WHISPERS) You would know! Stop it!

Omar needs his whole happy village, not whatever this is.

And if you want to be in his life,

you better start pretending like you like each other in front of him.

There we go.

That's it. Isn't that better?

So, did you stare at a poor person for long enough to find yourself?

Guess not.

(INDICATOR CLICKS) Where are you going?

Somewhere. I can't tell you.

Donna, I smell like the inside of a plane toilet.

I need a shower and 14 hours in a coma.

I am wrecked.

Yeah, you stink like bin juice, but saddle up, Julia Roberts -

you're my pretty woman now!

Just I need you to ride this wave with me, alright?

Why else would I pick you up from the airport?

I don't do good deeds.

What way, Donn...? Seriously, are you high?

Sameer, if I don't take you with me this second,

I will never have this level of confidence again.

Alright. What's the job? Kidnap? Maybe.

I bet it's something lame like fixing your myGov login.

It's not.

But I do need help with that.

I knew it! Now it all makes sense. You've been acting weird.

You're always broke,

but we earn the same wages and you've got no expenses.

Where's all your income going, huh?

To this crack house.

You owe money to drug dealers and you need my help.

No. I called Rachel.

Dragon lady? Mm-hm.

I'm meeting Alex, my daughter. That's her name.

Whoa! What did you say to your dad?

Um, I had this whole thing, you know, "How could you...?

"How could you bring a child into this world and then abandon them?

"Even animals don't abandon their young, man."

Shit, that's good. How did he take it?

Not good at all.

You know, he struggled with it,

'cause I was just laying it on him thick.

Truth bomb, like, one after the other.

Bom! Bom! Boom, boom, boom!

Just was... I was coming at him hard.

Boom, boom, boom!

You didn't say shit, did you?

(SCOFFS) Seriously?

I mean, you think I flew all the way to another country

just to...for nothing?

What if I'm not ready?

It's a pretty New Age thing to be ready for a child.

Like, most of the world just has them and then just, like, figures it out.

It's a pretty New Age thing to make a baby in a test tube,

but here we are.

(KNOCK AT DOOR)

(FOOTSTEPS APPROACH)

ALEX: Hello?

Hi, kiddo. It's me, Donna...your mum.

Your other mum.

I...

I just thought I'd swing past and say hi.

It's OK if you don't want to talk to me.

I probably wouldn't want to talk to me either.

It's pretty tough being your age, you know,

um, everyone expecting you to be strong all the time and...

Hell, it's pretty tough at my age. (CHUCKLES)

I think it's about showing up...

..and then just showing up again next time, you know.

Do you want...? Do you want me to stay?

Knock once if you want me to stay...

..and twice if you want me to go.

(KNOCK)

(KNOCK)

No worries. Um, next time it is, then. (CHUCKLES)

I didn't... I didn't bring you anything,

but, um, I do have a two-for-one movie ticket

that's expiring next week, so I'll leave that here.

But you better get on to that. Bye...

(CHUCKLES) ..you paedo.

(GIGGLES)

She doesn't want to see me. Aw, that's shit.

I did give her my two-for-one movie voucher.

What?! We were supposed to use that to watch Top Gun!

It's the 40th-year anniversary.

Bro, they'll have another anniversary.

(SNIFFS) Eurgh!

Let's get you in a shower. You stink!

No, we've got to...

We've got to make a stop.

Hi.

Uh, I thought you were done with us. I was.

I don't know what I was. I won't have any more freak-outs.

I promise.

Hey, uh, you're a really good mum, Aaleyah.

Omar is so lucky to have you.

Thanks.

May Allah bless Omar and his family.

ALL: Ameen.

And may Allah bless his soon-to-be-renovated penis.

ALL: Ameen.

That's beautiful, man. Thanks.

Yes, the Jews are the best.

Well, we have been doing it for a few thousand years,

so we're basically your R&D department at this point.

(LAUGHTER)

OK, time to make this little guy's little guy kosher. (LAUGHS)

Well, he's Muslim. Won't it be halal?

Banana, banayna. Tomayto, tomahto.

That's when you know it's Muslims and Jews -

beards, and in a line-up,

you can't really tell our penises apart.

So true. (CHUCKLES)

(OMAR SQUEALS) Alright, let's do it.

(OMAR BABBLES HAPPILY)

(CRIES)

Aw! (CHUCKLES)

I've never actually seen a penis before.

Great. Who knows first aid?

Captions by Red Bee Media

Copyright Australian Broadcasting Corporation