Original subtitles

SAMEER: Tomorrow is about proving to my ex-wife

that I'm a responsible co-parent.

I think you met us at the wrong time.

How do you have fun with a baby?

AI ASSISTANT: (ON PHONE) This question has been red-flagged

due to child protection protocols.

You should not have left him there. Poor defenceless baby all alone.

AALEYAH: Sameer is doing a good job.

Kids don't need two parents.

It's like kidneys or legs. You've got a spare.

(MICHAEL SCREAMS) Get off him!

I can explain. I don't know, I was just feeling trapped.

I found my dream house.

(RATS SQUEAK) Seriously, come at me, rats!

Why don't you just pay tradies and stay in a hotel, tightarse?

I miss shitting in a proper toilet.

(PHONE BUZZES)

She wants me to look after him again.

This is what you wanted, isn't it?

You are something.

Mate, why don't you go home and go sleep off your mediocrity?

Nah, bro, I'd rather watch your lumbar spine

get crushed in real time.

I've been carrying your emotional baggage for years.

My spine is munted anyway.

You know you're allowed to call tradies, yeah?

Like, it's not cheating. There's no shame in that.

You would say that.

You're the same guy who phoned Roadside Assist

'cause there was a huntsman in your car.

I get four free call-outs.

(LAUGHS SARCASTICALLY)

Oi, get off it! You helping is a hazard.

This is what's wrong with your personality.

I mean, you've got a lot of good things going.

You know, you're loyal.

You've got a very strong upper body.

You're making me sound like a labrador.

Um, you've got that accent. Uh...

It's hot, right? But you're also a control freak!

Well, at least I don't need my mum

and three uncles to wipe my arse when I have a little poopy-doopy!

Don't be jealous. If you want help, ask.

No, no. I'm alright, thanks.

I don't need any help from anyone.

I mean, you say that, but you call IT support all the time for help.

Yeah, and I hate it. You hate it?

They always, like...

They always, like, what?

Go on. Do the accent.

(INDIAN ACCENT) Do the accent.

You're not supposed to do it either. You're not from there.

What are you gonna do? Call the racism police?

(PHONE RINGS) I am.

Hey! Salams.

Salams.

I just saw the maternal child health nurse.

All good. She's just asking if we're circumcising.

Oh, yeah. That's, um...

That's a real dad thing to do, isn't it?

Yeah. Can you book?

It's kind of your job.

Being a dad is the one thing I can't be.

Yeah, I'll get on to it.

It's just that work's been real hectic,

and Donna's making me renovate her house,

so it's just... No, I'm not.

It's, uh... Yeah, I'll... Sameer, I am doing everything else.

This one thing, it is a dad thing.

Yeah, I'll text you when it's done -

when the booking's done,

not when the foreskin's been trimmed.

Anyway, I got to go.

What's all this chit-chat about circumcision?

Circumcision?

Oh, that's just, like, a... It's a small Muslim thing.

It's not a big... What is wrong with you?

You're doing that weird thing with your ear

and you're blinking heaps.

OK, now you're not blinking at all. You're creeping me out.

I'm not being weird. You're being weird.

Anyway, I'm going to go home and sleep,

so why don't you give me a call... (CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS)

..when you need a hernia pushed back in, OK?

That was once!

Run, you coward!

Unless you want Omar to grow up uncircumcised,

we will take him.

Poor boy.

Sameer is gonna take him.

The Sunna is to get it done now.

Whatever happened to making 70 excuses for someone

before writing them off?

I would not trust Sameer to tie his own shoelaces,

let alone get Omar circumcised.

Hmm.

The internet just diagnosed me

with mum shoulder from carrying Omar 24/7.

I did not come across this when I had you or Iman.

Nor did your sister when she had her three.

Must be something new.

(OMAR SNEEZES) See? Pneumonia.

This is from the singlet you put him in yesterday.

It starts with a sniffle,

and this is the baby's alarm system yelling, "Hello, mother!

"Could you please do your job?"

Oh, I thought sneezing was because of mucus,

not a performance review.

Now you get it. This is motherhood.

Everything is always the mother's fault.

Very good. Eat.

Um... Oh, sorry.

I'm going to the gym.

Gym? What gym? Who with?

Uh...

..Sultana.

Work friend.

Bye!

What exactly is she cooking, Omar?

Hey! Husna's white slave!

Yeah. I'm surprised to see you again.

I thought I did a click-and-collect.

That must have been delivery. My bad.

So, uh, when are your tradies getting here?

They're not. I work alone. (LAUGHS)

What? Did I stutter?

No, no. Ah-ah. (WHISTLES)

OK. OK. (GRUNTS)

(CONTINUES GRUNTING)

Uh, that's not straight.

Neither am I.

And I said...I work alone.

(CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS) What a weird guy.

(ROCK MUSIC PLAYS IN BACKGROUND) This is such a good spot to meet up.

My mum would never step foot in a gym.

She says they're haram, but really, she just doesn't like to exercise.

Where is Omar? He's with my mum.

I'm really sorry.

Oh, mum shoulder.

Wait.

I would love to see him, Aaleyah.

Alright, ladies, it's time for your weekly...

Hey, rock star. Not yet. We are not ready.

And play some good music, not this guitar rubbish.

(MUSIC STOPS) Good?

Yeah.

OK. Now start.

(SIREN WAILS)

(SNORES)

SAMEER: Oi!

Paramedic Barbie, wake up! We're almost here.

Your favourite - anaphylaxis, puffed up face.

You get to stab someone with adrenaline.

(KNOCKING AT DOOR) Ambulance!

Where are you? MAN: I'm fine. It's OK.

You're the peanut butter guy? But your face looks fine.

I didn't want to say on the phone. They record that stuff.

Sorry. I did a mistake. You guys, you can go.

Bro, we're not here to judge, OK?

You name it, we've seen it stuck up someone.

Mate, light bulbs, action figures...

One guy hid a vape from his wife up there.

Ohh!

So, why don't you show us what we're dealing with here?

(MUTED BUZZING) What's that sound?

A vibrating controller.

(MUTED BUZZING)

Ahh. Hmm.

So, that's what we're dealing with.

Can you get it out quickly, please?

Why, what's the rush, bro?

Your wife on the way home or something?

Her...

..and the kids... (BUZZING)

..they're on the way.

(BUZZING CONTINUES)

Yeah! Sucked in!

You seem very happy after the gym.

You've never mentioned this Sultana.

Oh, haven't I?

Hmm.

And what does she look like?

Five foot three, blonde.

Sultana. Mm-hm.

Hmm. A girl, no?

You know, most people would say

it is a little early to go on the hunt for a new husband.

But if you need my help, you know, I know several good families

that I can contact any time you want.

Honestly... Mum, I'm not dating, OK?

No, because before you married a man who I advised against,

your pool of prospects was very large.

But now, for this future husband,

well, he must want to marry a divorcee,

be prepared to look after another man's child,

with someone who is past her prime.

So, the intersection of all of these circles is very small.

But no problem. I can help you.

You just have to ask your mother. Trust me,

men are literally the last thing on my mind.

I'm just trying to raise Omar, OK?

Men are running on outdated software.

You need someone compatible with your existing hardware.

You can't uninstall the child.

Unless you reflash the firmware.

(PHONE CHIMES)

Gonna go to the gym tomorrow.

It's mums and bubs.

But I was looking after Omar tomorrow.

(YAWNS)

SAMEER: Why are you tired?

It's not like you're renovating a bombsite by yourself

instead of sleeping between shifts.

Can you please not discuss my sleep deprivation

in front of a man whose fartbox is still open?

Three, two, one.

(MAN GRUNTS)

Plus, I'm doing me.

I'm tired because I've been doing something fun.

Have you ever stayed up all night video gaming?

Yeah. CHILD: (IN DISTANCE) Daddy!

(KEYS JANGLE) Quick, go!

Back door! The real one!

Let's go! Let's go!

WOMAN: Honey, there's an ambulance outside.

(ONE TIME BY SONS OF YUSUF)

(INDISTINCT CHATTER, MAN LAUGHS)

What the...?

MAN: Yes!

Sameer, code red. I'm being robbed!

Hey, what the hell is going on?! Why are you...?!

Thanks. Uber Eats is here!

Uber Eats?

I'm not Uber Eats. That's my kebab!

Who are you guys? What...?

What the...?

(SHOUTS) Hey! (SANDER WHIRRS)

What's your problem?

Talk! (GROWLS)

I have children!

Abdul!

(WHIRRING STOPS)

You again?! What, are you stalking me?

Donna! Come! Wash!

(PHONE RINGS)

Oh.

Hey. Keep it quick.

I'm expecting a call about Omar's circumcision.

Look at this. These are your people.

What do you mean MY people?

What, you think we've all got, like, a group chat?

Hey, Sameer. Uh, OK.

Yeah, those are my people, and, uh, we've actually got a group chat.

It's called The Baraka Boys.

Anyway, uh, I-I swear, I thought I said next month.

Abdul was just supposed to, like, size up the job,

not lock it in now. Sameer, what have you done?

They've clearly lit up the Muslim bat signal.

Well, I did, and you are this month's baraka.

Surprise!

What?!

OK, just relax, alright?

It's just like a Muslim monthly hang, OK?

It's just, like, a bunch of guys from the mosque.

We find a project, we work on it together for a few days.

It's a laugh. Listen.

You know what's a great laugh? What?

Finger painting. You boys should try that.

You get them out of my house or I will phone the cops.

You should try immigration.

You'll lose, like, a third of them like that. Trust me.

Get them out.

OK. Relax.

Thank you. Thank you. Of course.

Great news, OK?

They are leaving... like, just as soon as they finish.

So, no more than, like, five or six days.

Business days.

How do I repel Muslim men?

You try negotiating with them, alright?

Some of them have survived, like, military dictatorships.

This is criminal.

They break into my home and then I have to pay?

Pay? No, no paying. We're not here for the money.

We're here for the baraka. The good deeds. The blessings.

Drink.

We don't want you blacking out again, now, do we, love?

What did you tell them about me?

I had to give them a little story, OK?

Last week was a paraplegic. The bar is really high.

"Lonely, elderly, single.

"Rescue dog ran back to the shelter due to her stench."

Good one, dickhead. You're a dickhead.

It's hard to accept help when you've spent your life alone,

but today, we are breaking down your walls.

Yeah, cool metaphor, but, no, thank you.

What's a metaphor?

(CRASHING)

Oh! Just go with it.

MAN 1: Come on. MAN 2: Let's go now.

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

This really feels like an affair, meeting you.

Your mum thinks I'm a devil in a hijab.

I really wish we didn't have to hide.

By his first birthday, we will all be together again.

Inshallah. Just watch.

I don't see that happening. Oh, but why, Auntie?

Whatever happened between our families is in the past.

Some things don't stay in the past, they stain.

Scrub all you want,

but it's just a waste of detergent, Aaleyah.

Are we ready to start? Ready?

You think we are here to flash our pretty nails?

Put on a banger. This is not a library.

(OTHERS CHEER) WOMAN: Go, girl! (LAUGHS)

Oh!

Hello, Sameer. Oh, my...

Donna, what the hell are you doing?

Oh, do you not like it

when someone comes into your private space

and gets between you and your flow?

I nearly pissed on you!

You already did - spiritually -

when you gate-crashed my house with the entire mosque!

I was trying to help you!

You're too proud to get help yourself.

You know, you run your whole life solo, Donna.

Who knows what's really going on with you?

I'm just trying to help you pee.

Donna, I am fully loaded right now,

and I don't know what I'm capable of.

OK, can you just please piss off now?

Oh, by the way,

you should ask the baraka boys to help you with Omar's snip.

You'll have 40 guys volunteering

to cut your kid's wenis... (MOCKINGLY) ..for charity!

Whose tools are these?! Come pick them up. Jeez Louise!

Uh, that's off.

Is it? No talking back.

Oi! Wood! Wood is good!

Hey, stop chit-chatting,

no social talking, and stop looking at each other.

You can pick up a tool. That won't harm you.

Whoa! This is intense.

You need to sleep. You've been going hard.

Did you know sleep deprivation is the same as being drunk?

What do you halal boys know about being drunk?

We don't drink. We observe.

We've got years of research from kebab vans and taxis at 2am.

(CHUCKLES)

Actually, I make up half of that data.

(ALL LAUGH)

Hey! Hey! S-Stop it!

Less social chit-chat. I don't want to hear you.

Don't smile. Don't look at each other.

Why are you breathing so loud?! No joy.

(ENGINE STARTS)

MICHAEL: Salams!

I know what you're thinking - "Not another bearded Muslim bloke."

I've dated ladies with more beard.

Well, maybe physically, but spiritually, I'm down to here.

Oh, my apologies. (CLEARS THROAT)

Mikhail's my name. Used to be Michael. I changed it.

I'm like the, uh... the Cat Stevens of the group.

I'm actually putting out an album. It's called Conversion Therapy.

Why did you convert?

Well, this might be hard to believe, but, um...

..I used to have a little trouble with the ladies.

I became Muslim, suddenly I've got five aunties

trying to set me up with all the eligible hijabi hotties.

And how's it going now? You're dripping in the ladies.

Not yet, but I think once the beard kicks in,

things will pick up, inshallah.

That's so weird coming out of your mouth.

I think the media has a lot to answer for.

There's a lot of misconceptions they perpetuate.

They're very racist against us.

Racist against you?

You know, when I first saw your house, I thought,

"This is the most damaged building I've seen since the Twin Towers,"

and for once, Muslims had nothing to do with it! (LAUGHS)

Are you even allowed to say that?

Convert privilege. Man, there are so many perks.

Free food constantly.

People get offended if you say no.

Look, if you want any tips,

before I became Muslim, I was white, too.

You are white. You are the whitest white.

Well, yeah, Muslim white, and a ginger,

so that's two minorities.

Look, if you want to seem more Muslim,

instead of saying no, say 'in sha Allah'.

What does that mean?

"I have no intention of doing this," but politely.

Get out.

'In sha Allah'.

Back to it.

So, have you booked Omar in? My mate Firdaus does circumcisions.

The mechanic Firdaus? Yeah.

The Jewish ones are the best, like Rabbi Klein.

That's the one, sheikh.

They're like Michelin-star chefs, but for penises.

It's like art. Don't get lasered.

Trust me, brothers -

you don't point a laser at another man's lady's finger.

Michael. Mikhail.

Michael's my slave name. Mikhail...

Thank you.

..you didn't need to get circumcised.

It's not compulsory. You converts, you're so hectic.

Yeah, I actually heard a fatwa that, um,

you can just wait a few years till the kid is, like, three or four

and get their consent.

Where did you see this, Papa? Facebook comments?

(LAUGHTER) Good one, sheikh.

Sameer is valid to be crippled by anxiety.

Circumcision is a big thing.

It is the male umbilical cord being cut,

and once it is cut,

there is no...uncutting it.

(CHUCKLES) Yeah. I mean, obviously I'm gonna get him snipped, you know.

I'm the dad, and...and this is the point of no return.

No Control Z, so I'm excited, you know,

to be locked into fatherhood to circumcise him.

It's like cutting a ribbon on a building,

except the building bleeds, um, for the sake of Allah.

Can't wait.

DONNA: Get back to work!

You, pull up your pants. There's enough cracks in the walls.

(DRILL WHIRRS)

(LINE RINGING)

MAN: (ON VOICEMAIL) Shalom. You've reached Rabbi Klein's office.

Press 1 for circumcisions, and 2 for tax returns.

(MUZAK PLAYS ON LINE)

(ON PHONE) This is Rabbi Klein.

How can I help you permanently change someone's penis?

Sorry?

Did you press one? You pressed one, right?

Uh, yeah.

I'm just calling to make an appointment.

Do you have any availability?

Uh, well, it depends.

How big of a job are we talking?

Uh, are you asking how big his, um...?

I, um... (LAUGHS)

You got me there. I'm messing with you.

No, it's a bit of shtick I've been doing.

Uh, but, uh, no, appointments.

Do you want to come in this afternoon?

I can do this afternoon if you want an appointment.

Um, what...what time do you have?

To be flat-out honest,

it's one of those situations where you say a time

and I'll pretty confidently say yes.

But I could do 2:00. Or 3:00.

Um... Oh, 4:00 has just opened up. (HEART BEATING)

And then otherwise, I could only do 5:00, 6:00, 7:00,

8:00, or 9:00 tonight. (HEARTBEAT GROWS LOUDER)

I mean... (LINE GOES DEAD)

Are you there still, or have we lost you?

Do you know how to read this plan? Move!

Oh, didn't see you there. Sorry.

MAN: (ON VIDEO) Today, I'll be showing you

how to install a load-bearing beam.

Now, before removing the existing support,

you'll want to install a temporary brace...

MAN: (IN BACKGROUND) Does anyone have a Band-Aid?

Is this the Harbour Bridge?

MAN: Don't turn this on! MAN 2: Why is the writing backwards?

You're reading that upside down.

Are any of you actually qualified?

Qualified? Yeah, everyone's qualified!

He's a qualified vape shop owner.

Taxi driver. Cardiologist. Art therapist.

And he's on disability pension for tremors.

MAN: That's me! We don't talk about that.

(DRILL WHIRRS) And that's a child.

SAMEER: And I'm a paramedic. I know, Sameer!

Oh, my God! (LAUGHS)

This is awesome. I...

I let strangers into my home to use it as a smash-therapy centre.

Was that the plan all along?

You are very good at asking the questions...

..but can you answer them?

Why haven't you settled down yet? You are very far over the hill.

My brother owns a very successful acai and kebab shop.

Bro, she's a lesbian.

Lesbians love a chick in uniform.

MICHAEL: Yeah, which makes it sus that you're still single.

What are your skeletons?

Do you know a book which has all the answers?

Bro, don't. Come on, man. Let him cook!

The Quran. Do you want a copy?

So you don't believe in God?

I never said that! But you do believe in the void.

Why can't you accept help? Are you scared of death?

Do you wash your bottom with water or just paper?

Aw! I was gonna ask that!

Paper, but then when I get in the shower, I use water.

Yeah. And a bit of soap.

Oh, yes. Ooh. Treat yourself.

Which hand?

Pretty big house just for you, lady.

Well, I am bigger than you.

Hmm. If I had to choose a room, it'd be that one.

That one's for my daughter.

She'll love that.

Unless she's sneaking out for parties. Too obvious.

Serial killers don't care about parenting ethics.

Hey, track her phone.

If she gets angry, good. Means she's alive.

Do you have an uncle trapped inside you?

(LOUD CLATTERING AND SHOUTING)

MAN: Oh, my God!

Oh, no!

Everyone out!

Including you, Sameer. MAN: Let's go now.

Pick me up for work later, though.

Where's, uh...? Oh, I don't know.

The rest of my house is supposed to be a house.

This is why people talk shit about Muslims.

It's not the double parking or the planes.

It's this - this unsolicited charity.

Whoa, charity? It's not charity, OK?

Unsolicited, yeah.

Probably voids your house insurance, yeah.

But it's not charity.

No-one pities you...

..you idiot.

Oh, FYI. Toilet's not connected.

I know!

Hello! I need you to try this, please.

Oh, sorry, Mum. I'm gonna be late for the gym.

Where have you been? With our ex-son-in-law

learning about his white lady friend's culture.

Did you know they first used paper, and then, much later, water?

Interesting.

The Prophet's son-in-law, Ali ibn Abi Talib, said,

"Play with him for seven years, discipline them for seven years,

"and then be their friend for seven years."

That adds up to 21.

Just be her friend. That is your job now.

(PHONE CHIMES)

Bet I'm hot topic on the Baraka Boys chat, hey?

You miss them!

I miss no-one!

Doesn't look like it. You're blushing a bit.

Yeah, it's going off. They are laying into you.

Alright, let's see what we got here.

Michael. He's like, "Shouting is her love language."

Then Abdul's like,

"Well, then she was definitely flirting with all of us."

And then Asad even says, "That scream was demonic.

"Is she Shaitan?" That's Arabic for Satan.

Oh, that is big talk

for a daytime bouncer. (PHONE BEEPS)

Assalamu alaikum, bitches.

Come and get your halal-certified shit

out from under my house, and fix my toilet!

(PHONE CHIMES)

AALEYAH: You got it. You got it.

OK.

Whoa! Jesus.

(OMAR FUSSES)

(BOTH LAUGH)

I can't believe I'm BFFing with my ex-husband's mum,

the one my mum specifically banned me from seeing.

(BOTH LAUGH)

Two sand, one cement, one water.

Disparate aggregates come together to form a single structure.

Oh, I get it. You guys are like the gay community.

You stick together because of all the external pressures from bigots.

No. This is a recipe for cement.

Bro, this better not be gross like that time we found that foot.

Well, you're about to find out, aren't you?

Ta-dah!

What do you think, huh?

I mean, none of this comes with any warranty.

The brickwork, look at it. Real crooked.

That window, I'm pretty sure it doesn't open any more.

You know what? What?

I love your cult of uncles. Yeah?

This is great.

I've learned you just got to grab life by the short and curlies.

You should try it.

You know what? You're right. I'm going to do it.

I'm going to call the rabbi. It's snip o'clock.

RABBI KLEIN: Oh, no, I'm just very grateful that you returned.

I didn't think you'd ever call me again.

But, yeah, send me... send me your tax receipts,

and I'll get back to you as soon as possible.

Do you need...? Do you need a circumcision?

I've already asked you that. (CHUCKLES) OK. Sorry.

I'll speak to you soon. Bye-bye.

Hello!

(CLATTERING) Whoa! Sorry.

Hi. Hi.

Sameer.

I'm just here for a circumcision. For... For the baby. Not for me.

I'm already good.

Are you sure? You can always do with a bit of a tune-up.

I'm happy to take a look at it. Oh. (CHUCKLES AWKWARDLY)

N-No. All good. Thank you. Um...

Yeah, I've heard a lot about you,

that you do great surgical zero fades.

Best in the business. Yeah, very, very clean lines.

But I will need to know,

uh, what are you in relation to the child?

Well, taller, darker, hairier.

(LAUGHS) That's good.

No. I want to know what your relationship is to the child.

One of the parents needs to sign this form. You the father?

Uh, technically.

"Technically"? (LAUGHS) Never heard that before!

It's not ancestry.com!

You either are or you aren't.

Are or aren't. There's two options.

Are or aren't. It says "Yes/No", but I'm gonna...

I'm gonna say are.

(MOUSE CLICKS) Why not?

AALEYAH: They're back! Baby's back!

Aw! I hope he didn't cry!

Of course he cried.

But you hugged him, right? It's OK if you cry.

Did you recite the Fatiha before and after?

You didn't chicken out? Was there blood?

There was no blood at all.

What?

I couldn't do it.

You do it.

He's yours. Knew it!

I knew you'd cluck this up.

(CLUCKS LIKE CHICKEN)

Free-range coward. (CHUCKLES)

(CONTINUES CLUCKING)

You haven't been eating, you're up strange hours...

Face it, you're depressed. It's Ramadan.

If I go in here, will I be Muslim forever?

Oh, yeah. The paperwork gets sent straight to Allah.

Donna, is that a hijab?

What do you want, you pedos?

You can't just threaten kids and then blame Ramadan.

We're in the news enough as it is!

What's the name of the gang, the one that forced him to leave us?

Have you ever heard of a Sri Lankan gangster?

Gandhi.

Is there something you want to say to me?

Better out than in. Bismillah.

DONNA: What are you doing? Finding answers, Donna.

You just put a chicken drumstick in your backpack.

You are spiralling, my friend.

Captions by Red Bee Media

Copyright Australian Broadcasting Corporation