Original subtitles

SAMEER: No, Donna, you shave the baby's head,

then you donate the weight of the hair in gold to charity.

It's a big part of the aqiqah.

Cannot wait to celebrate my daughter's divorce.

It's my son's aqiqah.

A glamourous dress, sister!

I might have to return it.

"Your perfect family is complete."

A bit awkward in light of recent developments.

They split up. What?

Ma, I got dumped. What?

We are not coming.

I feel like no-one noticed the lack of baby.

You could have at least brought him for a bit.

Look, it's really hard to leave the house with a five-day-old.

I just want to do all the right things for him.

Me, too. What the hell are you doing?

What the hell does it look like we're doing?

We're shaving my baby's head. Duh.

DONNA: There's no way you're surviving

a whole day alone with Omar.

No offence. Why would I be offended?

You just said I can't look after my own son.

I'll just pop round on my break and help.

What do YOU know about kids? Nothing.

Oh. Strong pitch, Donna.

I was actually worried you'd be overqualified.

I can clear out its litter tray. I'll take it for a walk.

I can put a little bell on its collar

to scare away the native birds.

Or a leash.

Anyway, tomorrow's about proper bonding time with Omar.

You know, it's my first time alone with him.

He's nearly two months old.

Oh, been busy, has he?

Yeah, he's been real busy. He's got a lot appointments.

Mmm. Yeah. No, tomorrow's about proving

to my ex-wife that I'm a responsible co-parent.

Maybe you're just not dad material.

No, I'm gonna kill it.

I'm gonna nail it. I'm gonna crush... I'm going to...

Ooh! I know how we can prove you're dad material.

I already am a dad. Like,

there's a baby walking around with half my face on it.

But are you a real dad,

or just a guy with a pram?

'Cause, you know, it's, like, an instinct thing.

Like, those internet dads, they can just catch their babies

without even thinking about it.

Oh! We need to test your reflexes.

Don't touch my knee. I'm ticklish - you know that.

I'll...I'll reflex kick you in the face.

(GASPS) Oh! Ha-ha!

I caught the baby!

Oh, he'll...he'll be fine.

Thanks to your day off, I'm also babysitting tomorrow.

I've been paired with a newbie, Brian.

Brian? Who's called Brian anymore?

It's like Trevor or Neil. Or Saddam.

Yeah. (CHUCKLES) No, I'm going to get to know Omar.

Get him to know me.

Set the tone, early.

God, let's hope he's not an idiot.

Hey.

My son is no Brian, OK?

(KNOCK AT DOOR)

(SQUELCHING) Oh!

Hello! It's me. Coming.

Your ex and the baby we made together.

I remember that night well.

Omar was born at midday. Yeah, I know.

I'm referring to the night when we... You know, when we...

..when we made him.

Just come in.

I cleaned. Well, I cleaned the living room, not my bedroom.

Don't look in there. Um... I mean, our bedroom. Our old bedroom.

I mean, you could look in there. There's no knickers or anything.

Except for mine. And Donna's sometimes.

I don't know why they always end up... (CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY)

Is your mum coming? Kind of thought she'd be here to help.

Uh, I can do this by myself.

Feeding, changing, playing -

I am capable. OK, well,

the hardest thing is he only sleeps when he's on me.

I can't get anything done. I'm always trapped.

Trapped? By a baby?

Yes, trapped. Ah.

I mean, he's four kilos. Does he hold you hostage?

Milk! Oh.

From my breasts. Ouch!

Look... Freshly squeezed.

You need to put them in a cup of warm water, ten minutes

before he's due to get hungry.

Wait, is it, like, left boob, right boob separate or...?

Boob cocktail. Oh.

(SIGHS)

What have you got planned for your big day of freedom?

Maybe I'll see my friends. It's been ages.

Yes! I'm always so tense,

thinking about Omar all the time.

Maybe we'll get a coffee. You should.

Go. Go, go!

OK, this feels weird. I don't want to leave him.

She never said that to me. (CHUCKLES) He's cuter.

Go. (SIGHS)

Honestly, it'll be fine.

OK? If he falls, I will catch him.

I've got great reflexes.

Ask Donna. I'm great. I'm like a cat. No, no, no.

Don't drop him! Mm-hm. Yeah.

And don't take him to work, either, OK?

What? Yeah, yeah. I know what you're like!

Yeah. Hey, want to learn some jiu jitsu?

Aaleyah.

Look at you!

Free woman!

It's a big step. Maybe I should go back and get him.

There's just too much that can go wrong.

I'm right next door.

I'll keep an eye on things, you know?

Yeah. Anything for my...

Cousin. ..second cousin, by marriage.

No blood connection.

You just focus on what's important.

You.

(PHONE CHIMES)

"Update - nothing to report."

Nothing as yet. I'll keep you posted.

Text Baddies chat.

(PHONE CHIMES)

Babes, let's do something.

Coffee? Nails?

I'm free.

(PHONE CHIMES)

"Three little kittens snuggle up tight.

"Then they said, 'Miaow, miaow, miaow.'

"Sleep tight. Good night."

(OMAR GURGLES)

OK. Well, that was supposed to take half the day, not, um...

..four minutes.

Hmm.

So, uh, what do you want to talk about?

Huh?

The Middle East? Yeah. I mean, things are going great over there.

Thanks for asking.

(SIGHS) (GURGLES)

(BREATHES HEAVILY)

How do you have fun with a baby?

AUTOMATED VOICE: (OVER PHONE) This question has been red-flagged

due to child protection protocols.

# Twinkle, twinkle, little star

# How...

# How I... #

Call mum. Actually, no. Cancelled.

Don't call mum.

(INDIAN MUSIC PLAYS)

Oh, so nice to see you here.

I did not realise. Is there a sale on?

What a relief to see you.

People are saying you had died of shame.

I have nothing to be ashamed of. (SCOFFS)

Your daughter walked out on her marriage.

Says the single mother. Hi.

Hi. Lovely range. Very nice.

You wanted to return this, yeah?

Um... We spoke on the phone.

It didn't fit me. Oh, funny.

This one looks very much like the one you wore to Omar's aqiqah.

(CHUCKLES) What? Madam, have you worn this dress?

Of course not.

She just tried it on.

For six hours.

It didn't fit me as advertised.

You know, it's... What is that?

It smells like a Sri Lankan chicken biryani?

Too much spice.

Typical. I'm sorry.

Once an item has been worn,

unfortunately, we can't take it back.

Perhaps you are not familiar with the consumer law in this country.

Hmm? I should probably speak to my boss.

Too embarrassed to show your face at Omar's aqiqah?

Omar is on a very delicate sleep schedule.

You cannot be parading a baby around to parties all day.

Any responsible mother would know this.

How would I know about his schedules?

I had barely met my own grandchild.

The men in your family abandon their responsibilities.

It is your daughter who abandoned her responsibilities.

Ladies! This is a fine establishment.

All this yelling and fighting belongs in a graffiti skatepark, not my shop.

This is why people avoid you.

You are so rude!

And you? None of our dresses fit you anyway,

but you keep coming back.

Refund denied. Take.

Bye.

Enjoy your dress.

(DOORBELL CHIMES)

(SIREN BLARES)

BRIAN: Uff.

Any feedback on how that went?

No-one died. (EXHALES HEAVILY)

I didn't come across as too nervous, did I?

I was aiming to be assertive but not bossy.

You are very needy.

Oh, sorry.

I've been doing couples counselling with my ex.

I'm just in the habit of just checking in with her so...

Oh, that's too much information.

We don't talk about our feelings here, Brian.

We bury them.

She ended up leaving me anyway.

And so, now, I'm newly single

and ready for love again, I guess. (PHONE RINGS)

Come on. Answer, Sameer.

What is he doing?

I'm way more fun than a baby.

Was that your boyfriend?

No, I'm single too.

But you won't hear me whinge about it.

Oh!

Two singletons, hey?

Could this be fate?

Have we been thrust together?

Sameer is on leave. It's scheduling.

Oh. And don't you ever look at me

and say "thrust" again.

I'm a romantic, Donna.

Yeah, and I'm a day drinker, Brian, and I like cage fighting.

We all have issues.

You know, I had all this stuff planned.

I was gonna try so hard at this...

..'cause...'cause my dad,

he never... Well, he couldn't,

so I never really...

..I never really knew him.

But then, your mum...

..she dumped me.

And there was never any time for any father-son bonding with you.

So...

(CLATTERING OUTSIDE)

(HEARTBEAT QUICKENS, DRUMS PLAY)

(PHONE RINGS)

MAN: (OVER PHONE) Bro! Hey. Salaams.

Salaams. Habibi!

What's going on? Yeah, let's hang. Like, now. Yeah.

(OMAR FUSSES) Sh, sh, sh.

(SIGHS)

(PHONE CHIMES)

Sameer and Omar exited house.

In pursuit.

SERVER: Next.

It's the dog.

(OMAR FUSSES)

Oh, so tiny!

Can I have a peek? Yeah, sure.

Oh, hello, little baby.

Oh. So sleepy!

Yeah, his name's Omar.

That's my dry-cleaner's name. No way!

You're a good dad, taking him out.

And how old are you?

(IN BABYISH VOICE) I'm seven weeks old, Mrs..

Miss Johnson. (CHUCKLES)

Not married.

See? (CHUCKLES)

Where the hell is my husband?

Is he here?

(CHUCKLES)

Well, nice to meet you, Miss Johnson.

I'm ovulating so hard right now.

It's, like, egg drop, egg drop...

Bam! There's another one. (CHUCKLES)

He's cute, huh?

SERVER: Next.

You go ahead. You have precious cargo.

Go on. Oh, thank you.

Ah, is he back for a trim?

(CHUCKLES) I'll just get a short black, thanks.

You know what?

I'm paying for this dad's much needed cuppa.

Oh, thank you, but that's OK. Oh, I'll have...

Do not push in line!

You could teach the other dads a thing or two.

(CHUCKLES)

Bro, you walked in a four, and Omar turned you into a nine!

I had no idea he had this in him.

Wait, what do you mean, "a four"?

Here, let me have a go.

He's not a PlayStation.

Hey.

Is it just me, or did this place suddenly get creepy?

Why does he move like that?

He thinks we can't see him.

Yeah? I want him to see this.

Oh, bro!

You'll ruin your dad hotness.

I got to go.

But you need anything,

you let me know, OK? Yeah.

Oi, dickface.

You don't think we know what you're up to?

You don't have a history of knowing much,

so...yes.

Why are you following us?

I'm waiting for someone. A date.

Uh, you? Have a girlfriend?

Yeah, right.

Typical - soy boy.

(CAMERA CLICKS)

Air-drop that to me.

(PHONE CHIMES)

WOMAN: I'm busy with the kids. WOMAN 2: I'm working.

WOMAN 3: Sorry, babes, we've got hand, foot and mouth.

AUTOMATED VOICE: (OVER PHONE) Emi has left the chat.

Aaleyah, what are you doing here?

Where is Omar?

He's with Sameer.

What? Yeah.

Why didn't he tell me?

So, uh, what are you doing here?

Let's see. It's a gym.

Now, let me guess.

You're out here enjoying yourself,

since you divorced my son

and moved in with your wonderful mother?

No, I was just looking for a place

to relax with adults, since giving birth.

I don't know, not that it matters anyway,

'cause, you know, none of my friends are coming, so...

All those married friends of yours...

..they will never understand.

Now you are a single mother, Aaleyah,

everything is different.

Hmm? Believe me.

Hey, join a gym or you will get fat.

Sameer! (OVER PHONE) Hey, Mum.

Again, you didn't tell me you have Omar.

You make it so difficult just to see him!

Mum, it's not that I don't let you... Oh, my God.

Mum, I've got to go. Can I call you back?

Sameer!

(OMAR CRIES)

Hey, Salaams. He's fine.

Look, here's proof of life.

Mmm. It's kind of irritating how well it's going.

Mission accomplished. How's your day going?

Yeah, I...I can't relax. I, uh...

It's just so hard. Yeah, that's what she said.

OK. Go, chillax. Salaams. Say bye.

DONNA: Honey, I'm home!

(OMAR CRIES)

Whew! Shots fired!

Nice to meet you. I'm Brian.

Oh, I think your baby's weeing on you.

I think you met us at the wrong time. Oh.

Oh. (OMAR CRIES)

Oh, I think your baby's cold.

Uh, you just met him!

Yeah, that high-pitched scream says, "Milk, please."

Since when do you know anything about babies?

Just medical things. (CLATTERING)

How much does he drink?

I don't know.

Babies don't drink out of cups, mate.

Yeah, mate, it's for the... Where's the bottle?

Seriously, I don't need any help.

(OMAR CONTINUES CRYING)

Can you just do the bottle thing real quick?

Mm-hm.

(NIGHT-LIGHT PLAYS A LULLABY)

Have you started your relax yet?

(HUMS A TUNE)

This is called...

..self-care.

It was not invented when I had my babies.

But now, I have a very strict routine.

I think I just need to read a book.

What you need is cranberry enzyme peel.

Hmm?

It is how I convince everyone I am your younger sister.

(LAUGHS)

What? Oh, Mum!

I'm fragile.

It is not a laughing matter.

Stop moving your face.

Hmm. This is toxic.

It has acid in it.

(WHIMPERS)

Yes, it is supposed to burn.

(OMAR CRIES)

Donna, what are you doing? Don't muck around with my son.

No, it's called 'tiger over a boulder'.

It relieves gas. (BURPS)

Oh! There you go. Oh.

I wish I was a tiger. What's that?

Oh, I just said I think you'd make a really good mum, Donna.

As if. I'm grateful, you guys.

Hey, if you're doubting yourself, I saw this great reflex thing

on TikTok, where dads catch their babies.

I said that. (GASPS)

Our algorithms must be in sync.

Another sign. He's asleep. I'll go get the basket.

I've never felt like this about someone.

Um, thanks, but, um...

..I'm not interested.

Not you, you silly goose.

Me and Donna have really clicked.

Do you think I should just, like, go for it?

Do you think she appreciates,

like, a strong, forthright man?

Um...

..here's the thing, my friend - Donna's actually...

You know what?

I'm trying to say something encouraging,

but you're really bad at life skills and nappies.

You should be the poster boy for vasectomies.

OK? Let's roll. OK.

You should just go for it.

She deserves some strong arms around her.

And she's not the only one, mate.

It's been a big morning.

How is it still morning?

(SADIAH HUMS)

This is actually really nice, Mum. Mmm.

Your use of "actually"

takes away from the compliment.

But this is what parents do.

We never stop caring for our children.

I know, Mama.

It's just been a lot.

Just stress, wondering if I'm doing it right.

Hmm. You should not have left him there.

Poor baby. Poor defenceless baby, all alone.

He's not alone. He's with his dad.

Who makes you worry too much.

This is why you cannot relax.

You are the reason I can't relax. Me?!

I am giving you spa treatment fit for a princess.

Please unwind and enjoy.

(SIGHS)

But I do not understand how

you can lie around not knowing if Omar needs you.

Mum! Sameer is doing a good job.

For 30 years,

I never left you or your sister alone with your father.

And he is a good man, but he is still a...

..man. That's crazy.

Dad is not that bad.

Who made this dip?

It's very good.

(WHEEZES) Very tangy.

(COUGHS)

So how come you don't drive? Is that a preference thing?

Because when I'm driving, I only have control of the vehicle.

What else is there to control?

The driver.

Interesting.

Now, my therapist would say

that suggests an unconscious desire to control.

No, no, no.

Psychology is useless to me.

Oh.

I like that.

I'm not into people like you.

New Zealander people?

No. Men people.

What?

No way!

My gaydar's strong, and it's picking up nothing.

(BREATHES DEEPLY) (OMAR GURGLES)

(PHONE BUZZES) (OMAR CRIES)

Hey, guess what?

I just headbutted Brian. (SOBS)

I need your help, bro. (BRIAN CONTINUES SOBBING)

Not a word to your mum, OK?

Gotcha. Who's the dickface now?

(PHONE CHIMES)

Release my toes!

(KNOCK AT DOOR)

Sameer, where are you? I raised you.

I sacrificed my whole life for you.

(GRUNTING) (OMAR CRIES)

Oh, my God, Brian, you are bleeding!

Just from the nose!

And my heart.

Did you guys try CPR on each other or something?

No. He was flattering me. 'Cause I'm irresistible.

Yeah. And then you know what comes next?

Proper flirting.

Who knows? He may even have tried to kiss me.

So you pre-emptively headbutted him? Yeah.

I interrupted the process.

I'm starting to think you might actually be gay.

Oi!

Oh, yeah. Oh, you'll live. Chill out.

(GRUNTS) You know,

if today has taught us anything, it's quit while you're ahead.

I do it all the time. Works great.

Yeah, but I'm not a quitter.

Look, kids don't need two parents.

It's like kidneys or legs.

You've got a spare.

It's like, if this guy loses the foot,

yeah, he's going to be sad.

But if he only ever had the one foot...

Am I going to lose my foot?

This isn't about you, you narcissist!

Hey, we're doing everything we can, sir.

Just maybe start working on your hop.

My baby! Let go of him! (BRIAN SCREAMS)

Oh, I...I can explain. You know, I was just...

..I was just going for a walk with the pram,

you know, like...like dads do, when I...

..I heard yelling, and then I saw this injured man.

And you're not a paramedic?

Still not about you, Limpy! What do you mean?

Of course. Lie to me, as you do.

You know, I don't know,

I was just feeling trapped.

Like you said, the little... the little guy trapped me.

Everyone told me that I couldn't trust you.

That you couldn't do this.

You know what? (SCOFFS)

Everyone was right.

Well, how did you even find me?

Ah.

Salaam, Sameer.

Yeah, Salaams.

Can I get a ride back?

Original.

Wish it was you on the stretcher.

Yuck.

Next time, I might use my words.

You ran out, so you used your face. Big deal.

What is wrong with us? Nothing.

We're fantastic. Everyone else is weird and uptight.

You know, I don't think Aaleyah's ever going to forgive me.

Which is probably healthy.

You said it yourself - you don't need two kidneys,

and you don't keep a kidney that's going to poison you.

Yeah? That's me.

You seem weirdly OK with all of this.

Oh, don't get me wrong. I'm not OK. I'm barely coping.

What the hell, Donna?

Sorry. I thought you'd catch it, and it'd make you feel better.

Haven't you concussed enough men today?

Yeah, but I also saved two lives and a whole foot.

So in the end, it all balances out.

Hmm.

That's some good maths. Thanks.

SADIAH: When someone shows you who they are,

believe them.

Especially if it is Sameer.

I saw it on a fridge magnet.

I cannot argue while he's asleep on me.

I am not arguing, Aaleyah.

I am simply communicating.

Mm-hm. (HUMS A TUNE)

(LAUGHS)

No, seriously, I'm about to get supervised visits at a Macca's.

Bro, you're supposed to look devastated.

Your shoulders just dropped six inches.

No, they didn't. (PHONE BUZZES)

Don't.

Don't answer it. Don't.

Hey. Yeah, it's Donna.

If you're about to go nuclear, save it.

(WHISPERS) She's calm. I think it's worse.

Talk to her.

Hey, Salaams.

Yeah. OK. Yeah, no, I understand.

Yeah, absolutely. OK.

So, am I researching court-approved parks?

She thanked me for being honest. Said...said we're a team.

Team Omar.

So, what's the bad news?

Um, she's dropping him off again on Friday.

She wants me to look after him again.

(LAUGHS)

That's great news, bro!

This is the best day ever.

Whoo-hoo! I need some dessert.

This is what you wanted, isn't it?

Oh, there's a brand-new sheriff in town, baby!

I'm just here for a circumcision.

For the baby, not for me. I'm already...

You can always do with a bit of a tune up.

I'm happy to take a look at it.

MAN: Trust me, brothers, you don't point a laser

at another man's lady's finger.

Code red. I'm being robbed!

Hey!

You get them out of my house, or I will find the cops.

You should try immigration. You'll lose, like, a third of them.

Before I became Muslim,

I was white, too. You are the whitest white.

Any other deeply personal questions?

Do you wash your bottom with water or just paper?

We're not here to judge.

You name it - we've seen it stuck up someone.

Yeah! Sucked in!

Captions by Red Bee Media

Copyright Australian Broadcasting Corporation