Original subtitles

Aaleyah's been calling Sameer. She's in labour.

Yeah, I know. It's been, what, three hours?

You've known for three hours?

You guys have a grandson!

(ALL EXCLAIM HAPPILY)

I want a divorce. A what?

Muslims don't do paperwork.

We just say, "I divorce you" three times, and then, boom.

I found my dream house.

You know what you need? A refund.

Seriously. Come at me, rats.

If you ever want to treat yourself to a working toilet,

mi dunny es tu dunny.

This is probably haram, you staying here.

I'm technically homeless. Is that my bag? Give it back.

No, it's for Aaleyah.

Kareem missed a few key items.

Of course, Kareem wouldn't know that

because Kareem's not married to Aaleyah.

Not yet.

We don't have a connection, Sameer.

Just tell me how I can fix it. You don't have to. I release you.

What do you actually want? And be honest for once.

Aaleyah, I divorce you, I divorce you, I divorce you.

But can we still be a family?

(PRAYS QUIETLY)

You praying for a new bride?

What the hell, Donna?

A bride? No. It's too soon.

18 hours ago, I was still married.

But if you want, I could pray for one for you.

Yeah. I'm taking requests.

No, thank you. Why don't you pray that I stay single

because I'm so freaking cute?

I have no idea why you're still single.

You're one of the most eligible people I know.

That is weirdly kind coming from you.

It's true. You're very quiet. You're not stubborn at all.

And you're so peaceful, you know?

Ow!

But seriously, you'd make a great mum.

No, no. Kids and I don't mix.

What if I accidentally raise an influencer?

You've got strong mum energy.

Hey, you have one bad day as a parent,

that kid is in therapy for the rest of their natural lives.

That ain't for me.

Hey, you don't need me to pay rent, do you?

No! I was raised properly, OK.

I just, you know, I struggle to freeload.

But honestly, if you feel bad about it,

you can work for my mum tomorrow, at my kid's aqiqah.

Qiqah what?

Aqiqah. It's where Muslims hard launch their baby.

So a kids' party? Yeah.

And I'm working it? Yeah.

Serving food for your mum and all your aunties are there?

Absolutely not.

It's for Omar.

You shave the baby's head, then you weigh the hair.

Then you donate the weight of the hair in gold to charity.

It's a big part of the aqiqah. Could raise $0.40.

It's like a tight ass telethon.

Fruits will go out first, Donna.

Oh, you can't call us that any more, Auntie.

What is this doing here in the dining room?

You want everyone to choke to death on floating hair particles?

What hair, Mum? He's a baby, not Jason Momoa.

My beautiful grandson.

Sameer, I don't know why you didn't bring him in earlier with you.

I still haven't met him.

I've told you, Mum, already, alright. She wanted to come with her parents.

You still haven't told her? Hm?

Told her what?

Bro, you're like a kid hiding their report card.

You can't liquid paper over your divorce.

When are you going to tell her? I have...

..intended to.

I just haven't found the right moment. OK?

Most people don't know about it yet.

I'll keep a lid on that. You just...

You just keep my mum busy in the kitchen.

Can you do that?

I'm fascinated to see how your brain works.

Do you remember that job that we did at that meth dungeon?

The one where you had, like, toilet water in your mouth?

Yeah. I'd rather go through that again

than tell one lie to that woman.

I won't be part of your deception.

Listen, you don't need to lie, just don't say anything...

..true. Yeah?

(DOORBELL RINGS)

Just behave. Seriously.

You too. You too. Just no talking, OK?

There he is.

You should have babies more often, bro.

We haven't dressed this fancy in ages.

Salaams, Bro.

Salaams, Uncle. Thanks for coming.

Wa alaykum... What?

44? Not out? You're kidding me!

India are batting.

Bro, when are you gonna tell your dad he's Arab, not Indian.

When Palestine gets a decent cricket team.

I thought you were here.

What a glamorous dress, sister.

Ooh! Did you rob a bank?

You're too kind.

Unfortunately, it doesn't fit.

As you can see, I might have to return it!

Whoa, Auntie. This thing costs more than my car.

Yeah, a '92 Yaris.

It's called vintage, bro.

I want to be the first to hold the little prince

before anybody else!

Get in line, Farhana.

I have seen him less than the midwife.

Yeah, OK. The guest of honour is arriving any minute.

You know how babies are with their jam-packed schedules.

Sleep. Cry. Spew. Sleep again.

Would you like a delicious Sri Lankan...

Cutlet. ..cutlet?

They're delicious. I'll give you a doggy bag later.

Why is Donna dressed like a Jetstar air hostess?

She's giving out way too much free food to be Jetstar.

You've already tried those.

Please lower your voice.

OK, well, when he finishes this feed, he's going to conk out,

and then we have to go straight to the car.

I will not be railroaded into rushing to an event

that we are not even sure we are invited to.

We're all invited. Sameer messaged me.

So Husna told Sameer to tell you to tell me. Like that?

Chinese whispers.

Apparently that's racist. It's now called Telephone.

Fine then. Chinese telephone.

But, Sadiah, logically, we don't need an invite

to our own grandson's aqiqah.

An event we should be hosting.

Did you guys both synchronise your watches to argue

right before we need to leave?

We are not arguing. We are communicating.

I, for one, cannot wait to celebrate my daughter's divorce

at a dinner party.

Mashallah. It is not a divorce party.

It's my son's aqiqah.

It's Sunnah and we're late.

If I was consulted, I would have chosen a proper venue.

Somewhere tasteful.

The Sunnah is to shave the head on the seventh day after birth.

This is too soon.

Yeah, well, it'll be the seventh day

by the time Mum chooses her earrings.

I'm ready.

Chalo.

Party smiles on.

Come on. Let's go.

For the little one.

I don't know him, so I got something for boys.

Ah. Thanks, Auntie. Didn't the author get arrested

for, like, human trafficking?

The bookshop man said it's all a deep state conspiracy.

Oh... Speaking of conspiracy,

where is the baby? Oh.

Um, well, they're on the way.

They're just caught up in a bit of traffic.

Oh, yeah. There was a bad crash on the motorway.

A cement truck, head on with, uh...

A...another cement truck. Yeah.

But, um... And both of the cements got all mixed up.

Yeah. Really hard to separate. It was quick-dry.

That's unbelievable! Mm-hm.

But I've got the traffic up here and I can't see...

Here, why don't you have a cutlet? ..anything about... Thank you.

Well, if it isn't my favourite tenant.

Or should I say Lieutenant. Get it? Because she left.

Thanks, Kareem! Thank you.

Oh, thank you, Auntie.

"Your perfect family is complete." That's really nice.

LOL. A bit awkward in light of recent developments.

The development being that they split up.

What?! Is this true, Sameer?

(CHUCKLES AWKWARDLY) Uh. Look, Mum would prefer

if we didn't talk about any developments today.

Oh, I understand.

Whoa, Husna!

Mmm. Mmm?

Whoa!

A devastating blow for Auntie. Thanks, Kareem.

No need to narrate.

I can explain to her how it all went down, if that's helpful.

Only if it's helpful, though.

Mm. Yeah, thanks. I think she'd hate that.

Not the news, more talking to you.

Yeah. Hmm. OK.

It's a great book, bro.

I need you to do me a favour, alright? Stick with Kareem.

He's after my mum. Yuck! He's too young for her.

No, he's going to tell her about the divorce

and ruin the whole day.

Divorce? What divorce?

Oh, sh... I haven't told you.

Aaleyah and I, we got divorced.

Oh. Hey. Hello. Thank you for coming.

(CHUCKLES) So, yeah, stick with Kareem, OK?

He's being a dick, as usual. OK. Got it.

Stick to Kareem.

Yeah. You OK, bro?

Huh? Me? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Totally fine.

Just as long as my mum doesn't find out.

So don't let Kareem talk to anyone about anything, ever, OK?

I got you, bro. No matter what.

I will not let him date your mum.

Yeah.

If he wakes up, he'll need another feed,

or he'll freak out.

And that just cannot happen before we get there.

OK, Dad, you start the car.

Mum, play that white noise out from your phone.

Ah, new motherhood.

Such a waste of your energy to micromanage every little thing.

The first-born, it feels like your world is ending.

But then over time, it just becomes background noise.

(EXHALES) That is such a helpful perspective, guys.

(PHONE CHIMES) Thank you so much. Um,

could you actually be helpful, though,

and get some more burping cloths and a spare outfit for him?

See? Just noise. I did not pick up a single word.

Stealing from a baby.

That's low.

Did you run out of cartoons to watch or something?

You can't run out of cartoons. They make heaps of them.

Use your brain before you speak.

You've been assigned to me, haven't you?

No.

I just really like you. Your personality is really good.

OVER RECORDING: You've reached Aaleyah. She is not available.

And neither am I.

Husband and wife should travel places together.

Mm-hm. Yeah, joined at the hip.

Happy wife, happy life.

But I am old-fashioned and they are a modern couple.

At least one of those things is true.

(MUFFLED SPEECH THROUGH EARPHONES)

Oh, Husna is doing well for herself.

A white slave.

And South African, too. That's top-tier white.

What do you think? Electric 40-minute battery life.

This should do the trick.

Ah!

Not much else to say without the baby here.

Oh, yeah. Sorry. No, they're on their way.

They'll be here any minute. No, no, no no!

No need to rush this wonderful celebration.

Thank you. But I do need to be

in Pascoe Vale shortly.

Marriage counselling with the Khans.

I mean, uh, something private with people you don't know.

So if we could wrap this up in 15, 20-ish...

(PHONE CAMERA CLICKS, MESSAGING APP CHIMES)

Ah! Shh.

They are using Sheikh Hassan. How do you know that?

Kareem is Whatsapping your mother from the aqiqah, like Jason Bourne.

Ooh, I like that Matt Damon. Ah!

The Sunnah is to use a blade!

Not electric beard trimmer for warehouse hair-house.

Dad, no-one's really that fast. Hey!

The prophet Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam said,

"On the seventh day, the head is shaved."

Not given a mid-fade.

OK. Alright. Car keys, please, Aaleyah.

Why would I have the car keys? I asked you to start the car.

That was your one job!

Perhaps I left it in my golf bag, which is in the garage.

OK. Or at Uncle Amir's house.

I was showing him my nine iron.

But then how did I get home?

That is a very good question.

Let us retrace your steps.

Ta.

(WHISPERS) He cried. He told me.

(OVERLAPPING WHISPERS)

Most people here have heard the terrible news

about your marriage, and I've run the numbers.

No-one thinks they're coming.

Tell me, is this a power move? Mm? How would you respond?

Ah.

Dinner is about to be served in just one minute. OK?

Mum! Mum, you can't serve dinner, alright?

They're going to be here any minute.

They're probably stuck getting Omar ready.

Don't you dare use that baby as a shield, Sameer.

If anyone is playing games, it's Sadiah.

In 30 years,

that woman hasn't missed a chance to make me look bad.

Of course. Auntie Sadiah, the master puppeteer,

the Pakistani Pinocchio.

Pinocchio is the puppet boy. (SCOFFS)

Er, so... Ah. Mm.

Just give them five more minutes.

Donna. Oh. What?

The news is spreading. I'm not sure we're containing it.

Hey, Asad's on Kareem,

and I've only had two close calls with your mum.

I'm floundering out there!

An aqiqah without a baby is like a baby shower without a baby.

It's just a shower! Dude, this is a great shower.

It's a golden shower.

I can probably liven things up. I need a bottle of Sambuca

and enough of a run-up for the Dirty Dancing lift.

I'm pretty sure my mum's out of alcohol, Donna.

We don't drink. Oh.

Listen, the imam has a hard out in a few minutes.

If he leaves before the head shaving,

my mum's going to go ballistic.

We could detain him. Well, it wouldn't be his first time.

Huh? KAREEM: Some falooda, Auntie?

Oh, crap. Kareem cornered Mum.

OK, you deal with him. I've got the imam.

Got you, I got you!

Salaams, Mr Khan!

I've got some great news.

Uh, your marriage counselling session today is cancelled.

It must be very hard for you, Auntie, given...

Kareem. Oh!

Are you allowed to be here? I'm pretty sure

you're within three kilometres of a primary school.

The same one where you repeated grade four.

Uh, it was only grades three and five.

Auntie. Auntie! Uh...

Quick! It's urgent.

The imam, he told me to tell you that counselling is just going

to reopen things from your marriage

that were doing a really great job staying buried, so...

Yeah, yeah, he asked me to pass it on, so...

Congratulations on your great marriage!

(CHUCKLES) M...my name is...is Doctor...

Doctor Phil.

I just urgently need to know if you replace the empty toilet roll

or if you just leave it there,

because Sameer just leaves the empty tube.

Lucky you don't live with him.

Yeah. Imagine.

Gross!

Living with a man.

And that baby keeping me up all night.

Sameer said he was a good sleeper.

How would Sameer know?

Father knows best. Yeah, let's get some food out.

Let's go. Come on.

You need to be careful.

I think your white slave is in love with your son.

Oh!

I thought she was an Ellen. Huh?

An L and E and S and B and I and A and N.

DeGeneres.

Shh, shh. Shh!

We're about to serve dinner. Where are you?

Yeah, long story. We are just leaving now.

Leaving now?!

I don't know how much longer I can keep the imam here.

OK. We can still pull this off if you're quick.

Just hurry up, yeah?

We are moving as fast as we can.

Moving as fast as they can?

More like as fast as they can't.

"Hurry up, yeah?" Like I should be on time, full glam,

five days after pushing out a baby. (GRUNTS)

They're always putting on airs.

First, the business with your mother.

Now they're taking it out on you.

Shame.

Please, let us not backbite others.

That ex-husband of yours is not worried

about you or the child.

He is only worried about the optics.

Yeah, he should be more sympathetic.

Does he know I'm going through a divorce?

Divorce is a very tricky thing.

Especially for the man.

She has the upper hand now, because she's the woman.

I don't want to speculate, but their side would have

already briefed a top lawyer. Oh, so not Kareem then.

I mean, that would have been a slam dunk.

This is not back-biting.

But did you hear about the Indian wicketkeeper who got divorced?

His wife took him to the cleaners.

He had to get a second job as an actual cleaner.

This is chess, Sameer.

And Sadiah has made a cunning play.

Her bishop is threatening your pawn.

You need to hide your pawn!

(BABY CRIES) (AALEYAH SHUSHES)

Great. We cooked it.

How many times did I say that he can't wake up?

Now I've got to feed him. That is not his milk cry.

I know his milk cry.

Come on in, welcome. Hello. Hi. No, no. What's the password?

Bro. Just talk to your mum now.

If I have to keep lying to her, I quit.

I just said, "Father knows best." No father knows best, Sameer.

OK, OK, OK, fine. Listen, listen.

If I don't come back though, just tell my son I loved him, OK?

No worries. I'll tell him you died doing what you love,

telling the truth after avoiding it like a coward.

Mum.

Taste this.

Mm? It's good. No more salt.

Ah, I'm exhausted. I need a coffee now.

Still the main event to come.

Mum, can we please just...

Even if they didn't take the toll road,

which they can certainly afford,

they should have been well on their way

before the football traffic.

Mum, can you just...just take a seat, please? Just a second.

My aching feet would love to, but... I got dumped.

What?

She asked me for a divorce, and I tried,

but it...it's done.

I could have sworn I'd already told you,

because, to be honest,

it's been coming for a while. And, you know,

I just assumed you'd know because you sort of know this.

Anyway, it's not a big deal.

Not a big deal?

Well, obviously it is a big deal, but there are bigger deals.

No-one's terminally ill, or fallen from a great height.

Compared to some of the stuff that I deal with, like...

This is why they aren't here, then.

I don't know, maybe.

Well...

..it is what it is.

It is?

We have guests. It's about time for biryani, no?

Yeah.

(EXHALES)

You were right. She was fine!

I can't believe I built it up so much in my head.

I told you, it's like ripping off a band-aid that you were married to.

Yes!

When someone says they're fine, usually that means the opposite.

Oh, 100%. You bookmark that shit for later.

Hey.

(GROANS) Sameer is very cuddly with the maid.

Oh, the other woman? Mm-hm.

It's no surprise that they got a divorce.

(BABY CRIES) Oh, shh, shh.

(CRIES)

(SIGHS)

I did all of this and for what?

He doesn't need a party.

What are we even doing? This is absurd!

Pull over! We are not going.

(BABY CRIES)

I already purchased a day pass for the toll road,

in case that changes anything.

Non-refundable. (BABY CRIES)

Nah, bro. No, no. Move, you gronk. I have to pee.

Yeah, more like you want to gossip like some CNN reporter.

Someone has to inform the public. Dinner is ready!

Oh, mad!

GUESTS: Stop it! Whoa, whoa! Hey! (ALL SHOUT)

Hey, hey! (OVERLAPPING SPEECH AND SHOUTING)

(GRUNTING AND SHOUTING)

(SHOUTING GROWS)

Sameer and Aaleyah split up.

(ALL GASP)

Just so everyone knows.

Of course I know! I am his mother.

Now clean this mess and button up your shirt.

This is not a nightclub. (PHONE RINGS)

Hey, you guys outside? Do You need a hand?

We are not coming. Aaleyah's had enough.

Enough of what?

It is for the best. Also, the Sunnah is to use a blade.

I will shave the child's head in the correct way myself.

Call the office.

(LINE DISCONNECTS)

Uh... Update, everyone.

Uh, they're not going to make it.

(ALL GROAN, OVERLAPPING SPEECH) Oh, honey, I'm so sorry.

(OVERLAPPING SPEECH) Please! Take some...

Take some containers. There's plenty of food.

Oh, never mind. These things happen. It's out of our control.

Thank you.

Sorry again! On behalf of the baby.

Well. That's everyone.

Great teamwork, guys. You know, I feel

like no-one even really noticed the lack of baby.

We did pretty well, given the circumstances.

Mm-hm. The circumstances, indeed.

How dare you keep this from me?

How dare you tell me after all these other people?

I wanted to... I didn't mean to embarrass you.

Do you think this is just about how it would make me look?

To be fair, it is my news to share when I'm ready.

It's not really about you.

Did you think for one second how that would make me feel?

What it takes away from me?

While you were running around getting divorced,

I have been waiting to hold my only grandchild

for the first time.

I'm sure it will happen when you are ready.

No, Sameer?

I tried to tell him. (SCOFFS)

We will get to you and your lies, Missy.

You just wait.

Sorry, Auntie.

You did this.

You and your no-show baby.

I hope he's getting a great haircut,

wherever the hell he is now.

Look, Husna is trying

to guilt-trip me through a text message.

Come on, Sadiah.

We are the mothers. We are bigger than this.

They wish to take the moral high ground.

Asad pelted me with biryani. No!

Biryani? Did you bring back some?

They didn't even invite you both. Correct.

And it must have been a very tight squeeze

in that little house, wasn't it?

Yes. And the dress!

Show me.

Oh, very Gold Coast.

But good for her. It still had the tag on it.

Oh! There it is.

Hi there. What can I get for you today?

Oh, just a medium kids meal. Thanks.

Aren't you a bit old for that?

Yeah, it's for my kid.

(BABY WHINES) That's a baby.

You work here full-time? Yeah.

Aren't you a little bit old for that?

Kids are aged 3 to 12. That's our policy.

Yeah, well, he's actually three. Mm-hm.

People always say that he looks young for his age.

(BABY BABBLES)

Hey. Salaam.

You got here quickly.

Yeah, well, when I'm invited somewhere,

my personal rule is to actually turn up.

Technically, we weren't actually invited.

Your mum just told you to tell me to tell everyone to come.

So you weren't sure if Omar was invited to his own aqiqah?

Well, it was really your mum's aqiqah.

We weren't shaving my mum's head. Every Uncle and Auntie

in the known universe weren't lining up to grill me about Mum.

You could have at least brought him for a bit.

Look, it's really hard to leave the house with a five-day-old.

Yeah, all the adults were too busy

pointing out my every flaw in parenting.

I'm sorry it was hard for you.

I'm sorry for bringing your mum into it.

And that you got grilled by everyone.

Huh.

The Sunnah is to use a blade...

..but a beard trimmer has loads of tiny little blades.

Giving out religious rulings now, are you?

Yes, a Sameer fatwa!

OK. Ready? One. Two.

Three. Whoa!

(BEARD TRIMMER WHIRRS)

Hey, hey, what the hell are you doing?

What the hell does it look like we're doing?

We're shaving my baby's head. Duh!

Ah-ha! So it is a baby.

I'll be taking that back.

What the...

Am I supposed to, like, fight him now?

You, fight someone? I trained in jiu-jitsu.

Yeah, as a child. Yeah.

Imagine how dangerous I am now. (OMAR COOS)

Maybe just not dad material.

No, I'm going to kill it.

If he falls, I will catch him.

Don't drop him! And don't take him to work either.

I'm right next door. I'll keep an eye on things.

Anything for my... Cousin.

I do not understand how you can lie around

not knowing if Omar needs you. Mum!

So tiny! I'm ovulating so hard right now.

Egg drop. Egg drop.

I've been paired with a newbie, Brian.

Could this be fate that we've been thrust together?

Don't you ever look at me and say thrust again.

Captions by Red Bee Media

Copyright Australian Broadcasting Corporation