Original subtitles

Big day. Two punctured lungs,

a car crash, three stabbings... Four stabbings.

Oh, yeah, the machete. Two heart attacks,

a stroke and a snake bite.

Not bad for a Thursday.

How good, bro!

What a shift! Listen, I found my dream house.

Donna, your last dream house had carpet in the shower.

Yeah, it's called non-slip. Look into it.

No. This one's schmick. You're gonna love it.

I'll show you photos tomorrow morning.

I'm just a bit shattered. (PHONE BUZZES)

Hey, why don't we just go check it out now?

Oh, don't you need to rush home to your picture-perfect marriage?

No, no, no. She's busy. With what?

Oh, you know, woman stuff.

I didn't know you were this invested.

Yeah. Traffic's going to kill us.

But let's go. Traffic!

(SIREN WAILS)

I wanted to surprise you. What do you think of the place?

I mean, some houses you want to grow old and die in.

This one, you could just skip the growing old part.

Have you ever heard of 'worst house in the best street'?

The fact that the floors are all rotten out

is just opportunities. (PHONE BUZZING)

I can put in whatever I like.

Were you smoking this before the auction?

I forget you're not a lesbian.

I've been training for this my entire life.

You know what? The entire Matildas team couldn't fix that place.

That is a wild assumption.

Which is correct, but a wild assumption anyway.

You know what you need. What?

A refund. Mm-mm.

OVER RADIO: Dandenong 208. Dandenong 208.

Dandenong 208.

We're not on the clock at the moment.

Donna, Aaleyah has been calling Sameer.

She's in labour.

He needs to get to the hospital.

Yeah, I know.

First labours usually take, like, 16 hours.

It's been what, three hours?

You've known for three hours?!

Well, for all she knows, I just found out, so...

We're on our way.

Sameer's a dickhead.

(SIREN WAILS)

(TYRES SCREECH) It's game time.

You've got this. Yeah, totally. It'll be fine.

Yeah, yeah.

You can't come here. Like, that'd be weird.

Super weird, even for us.

Yeah, it'd be like bringing you on a date to, like, just watch.

(THEY LAUGH AWKWARDLY)

(CONTINUES LAUGHING)

Dude, go. Yeah.

VOICE OF AALEYAH: Sameer, I'm pregnant.

Are you sure? Yeah, yeah, there's two lines.

That means I'm pregnant, right?

Ha-ha! Yeah, that's great news. You're gonna be a dad.

Great news. That means I'm pregnant, right?

Ha-ha!

Are you doing OK? Mm-hm.

(MONITOR BEEPING)

Hi.

Any chance you could be pregnant, ma'am?

Where were you? I was trying to call you.

Oh, you know, work. Mm.

Well, this is exciting.

It's like waiting for a bomb to explode.

Like a good bomb, obviously. Like a bath bomb.

(WAILS)

Oh. Um...

(GROANS)

Um... Juice? Mm-mm.

(SUCKS NOISILY THROUGH STRAW)

Well, this is like our last supper.

Well, it's kind of different 'cause the Last Supper with Jesus was...

I don't know what the Last Supper was about.

We should probably ask a white guy. We should ask a Christian.

This is like our last date night before the fun's over.

We were having fun?!

(GROANING)

MIDWIFE: Good work, Mum. Come on. That's it.

Come on. Just a couple more pushes and you're home.

(ANNOYED) You said that 35 pushes ago!

Yeah. It's called false reassurance.

It works as a placebo in most patients, actually.

OK. Great. You're doing really well, Mum.

Come on. I can feel baby's head now.

Keep going. That's it. You are doing so well.

Keep breathing. I can feel the head.

Oh. Beautiful hair. Beautiful hair.

Oh, God. This is actually happening.

Short breaths. (WAILS)

We're nearly there. Come on now, quickly.

Come on. A few more pushes. Yes, yes.

Keep going. Yes.

(GRUNTS)

(PANTS)

Yes, keep going. Keep going! Keep going!

(LOUD DRUMMING)

(BABY CRIES)

Oh! Oh! Oh! Well done.

A boy!

A boy?

(LAUGHS)

Oh, I feel dizzy.

Oh, let me take the baby.

Take your top off. I mean, we can try,

but I'm pretty sure I won't be able to breastfeed.

You're doing skin-to-skin. Oh.

Yeah. That's a boy.

Allahu Akbar. Allahu Akbar.

I don't feel good. What do you need?

Can I get you a glass of water?

No, no. Another pillow?

Some more juice?

A blanket? Something to eat?

A divorce.

A what?

I want a divorce.

I don't know why I said it.

It just kind of came out. But it's true.

Hold this. We can't do this. We have to stop.

We haven't been doing this.

Surely this isn't the best thing for the baby to see when it's born.

I'm sorry. No, I'm not sorry.

I'm sorry about the timing.

I'm not a child psychologist,

but surely it's like milk first, then divorce.

Can we just talk about this, please?

I can see you're upset.

Your cortisol is spiking,

which causes your emotions to heighten, too.

The good news is your vitals are real stable

and you're in very capable hands.

Please don't do this whole bit.

You're gonna be yourself in no time.

What I'm gonna do is I'm gonna step out,

and we're gonna give you some space,

and, um, yeah, it'll be good.

(SIGHS)

(THEME MUSIC PLAYS)

I keep pinching myself, but it's true.

My boy is going to be a father.

Yeah, and he is ready as ever.

He has never been ready for anything in his life.

Who has she come dressed as?

Aishwarya Rai?

I'm sure that's a sick burn, Auntie.

You are looking very comfortable today.

I thought this was a hospital, not the Logie Awards.

Whoa-ho! Look, who just freed the nips.

Come here.

Whoa! Already trying to make another baby. Poor Aaaleyah.

It was for skin-to-skin, idiot.

It's to release oxytocin.

The body's natural pinger.

What is pinger?

It's a small penguin from a claymation series.

Sameer, has the baby arrived?

You guys have a grandson!

(ALL EXCLAIM)

Alhamdulillah. A son. You must be so proud.

Yes, I'm very proud. Very happy.

Everything's completely normal.

We've never hugged before, have we? OK, let's go in. Chalo.

Oh, no, no, no. Uh, it's for parents.

I'm a parent. I am a parent.

Uh, yeah. It's the rules.

Um, COVID, remember COVID,

all those strands?

You could infect the baby.

I do not have COVID. I have had 13 boosters.

Sameer, I want to see my first grandchild.

It's a baby, Mum. I mean, you've all seen babies.

You've seen one, you've seen them all.

I've actually got a photo. Oh! Sure, sure.

Oh! He's wonderful. He's gorgeous!

Where is his face?

Oh!

Oh, look. Aaleyah just texted.

And, um, she said that we should go to the mosque to pray for blessings.

It's jummah.

The Imam texts my son all the time.

Has him on speed dial. Nerd.

(CALL TO PRAYER)

IMAM: Let us remember...

..the best of us are those who are best to their families.

Allah will not ask how much you earn...

(VOICE FADES)

Look at this guy.

Bro.

The dad life looks so good on you, bro.

I've been a dad for, what, an hour?

Yeah. It shows. Look at you. You're glowing.

You're radiant.

You are stunning.

Thanks, man. Congratulations, Sameer.

Dad! Dad, come. Oh, OK. OK.

You're gonna be an awesome dad because you're a doctor.

I'm a paramedic, Asad. Yeah, like a doctor, but faster.

Mm. Just what you need. A doctor who rushes.

Aqiqah next Tuesday stay at my place.

VOICE IN THE BACKGROUND: Oh, mashallah! Great.

Mum, you can't. It's too soon.

I have already booked the Afghan caterer.

Paid in cash. Got a good deal.

Aqiqah next week.

You heard Auntie, huh?

Yes, next Tuesday. Next Tuesday.

Let's go. I'm bringing my stretchy pants.

VOICE OF AALEYAH: Please pick up.

Can we ever just finish a conversation

without you becoming an AI chatbot?

After I'm discharged,

we're gonna go stay with my parents. Absolutely!

Taking time apart can be healthy in relationships.

And when you get sick of your mum, we'll go back to normal.

Smiley face. Delete. Smiley face without teeth.

Is that Aaleyah ringing you? Oh, no. It's just my phone.

It's... It's glitching. Are you sure?

Oh, I told you, no?

ASIO has hacked your phone ever since you liked that video.

Mum, it was just guys crawling through mud, swinging on monkey bars.

I thought it was a fitness video, not al-Qaeda.

Stupid!

(SIREN WAILS)

So you didn't take parental leave, then.

It's actually not compulsory.

It's just normally it takes new dads a few days

before they have to go on unnecessary car rides

to get away from their newborns. Oh.

So, um, what was the fight about again?

I never mentioned a fight.

So Aaleyah just lets you work tonight.

Yeah. Your baby's like, nine hours old.

Mm.

I've got Pad Thai on my fridge that's older than that.

(KNOCKS ON DOOR) Ambulance.

Whereabouts are you? I'm here.

If you just get me standing up, I'll be right.

Oh, no, no, no.

Oh, you're not going to be standing on that leg for a while.

It's, as they say, munted. Oh.

Her heart rate is a little bit elevated. Oxygen, 96.

OK. Are you allergic to anything? No.

No allergies? No.

OK, well, I'm going to give you some morphine now.

The good stuff. This'll make you feel happy.

Oh. This is gonna sting a little bit.

Nice.

So if it's not Aaleya, is it the baby?

(LAUGHS)

Hey, do you like my nightgown?

So, what is it?

Is he ugly? Does he look like you?

So you don't know if you can love him?

You got me. He was a three,

and I was hoping for a seven minimum, Donna.

(LAUGHS)

Oh.

So if he's such a stud, why did you leave?

To save Sylvia's life.

Oh, he's full of shit! No, I'm not.

I'm with Sylvia. You're being weird, man.

Well, she asked me for a divorce.

OK. In the delivery room.

Is she even allowed to do that?

Bro, you can't not tell me these things.

I should have asked my husband for a divorce after our first baby.

I know a single guy I can introduce you to.

Oh, soz, babe, I don't date white girls.

Hey.

Well, he's damaged goods anyway.

19th of the second, '36.

So that makes you 23. (LAUGHS)

Hey, I can do your divorce paperwork for you...

..for a fee.

Muslims don't do paperwork.

We just say "I divorce you" three times,

and then, boom, it's done.

I should have been a Muslim.

What, you just click your heels

and say there's no place like divorce, and then you're free?

Yeah, easier than ordering Uber Eats and cheaper.

But we're so compatible. You're so compatible.

Shall we revisit the list, eh?

Uh, she said no to our South American trip.

Could have been there right now.

She's always asking you, "How are you?"

We hate that. She says, "as you do" a lot.

She barely blinks. Blinking isn't optional.

We've always said that. Always.

Now let's have a look at some of the things you've said.

"Fuck! She's fucking pregnant.

"Can you adopt a kid out if the mum still wants it?

"Do you think World Vision will take another kid?"

Well, it's only a dollar a day. It's good value.

"I really don't want this baby." Did I say that?

17 times. Wow.

Look, she's just being impulsive. Impulsi...

Don't write that down. Listen, OK? This is marriage. Yeah?

You fight, you make up.

It's a circle of life.

OK, Mufasa.

Listen, you're just like me.

You need to be free.

We can't self-actualise when we have people hanging off us.

Imagine what it would be like if I still had my dragon lady around.

Look, we can't divorce. We have a kid.

My mum still goes on about my dad leaving 30 years ago.

If I did the same thing, it'd break her heart.

Good point. Stay married to make your mum happy.

Chicks love that.

(YAWNS) That was a long night.

(YAWNS LOUDLY)

I need sleep. I need to use your toilet.

Then start the reno on my house.

Donna, you can't renovate that house by yourself. Let me help.

No, thanks. I've seen you hang a picture.

Here's an idea.

Why don't you just pay tradies and stay in a hotel, you tight ass?

I don't know about you, but I prefer little luxuries

like warm water and a bed.

Yeah, because you are soft.

Cold water builds character.

Mm. Alright, I'll be sure to mention all that character in your eulogy.

Kareem, what are you doing? Have you heard of knocking?

Why knock when I've got the keys?

You can't just come and go as you please, alright?

I've got rights.

That's a strong tone to take with your landlord.

Is that my bag? Give it back! No, it's for Aaleyah.

I'm her primary helper now.

I see what's going on.

I could see the gears turning in your dweeb head.

You think this is your chance to shoot your shot with your own cousin.

Not by blood.

Well, this isn't Game Of Thrones, bro.

And we're not divorcing.

Look, I want to help you, you're family,

but only through wedding vows.

And now that Aaleyah is divorcing... We're not divorcing.

..that makes you non-family.

Like a foster kid whose time's up.

Blood is thicker than water.

Aaleyah is in me, and I'm in Aaleyah. Ew.

Sorry, neighbour.

Oh, he 100% wants to bang his cousin.

Gross. And he's wearing my cologne.

I'm bursting. Hoo-hoo-hoo!

Ah, bursting, bursting.

Huh. Kareem.

Hey, that cousin landlord prick of yours took all the toilet paper.

Only left five squares, I left you two.

Thanks. Such a waste of time taking all this stuff.

I mean, she's just gonna bring it all back in a couple of days anyway.

Yeah, maybe she just wanted to give her belongings some air.

It's only temporary, but if you ever want

to treat yourself to a working toilet...

'Mi dunny es su dunny'.

I don't need no man to take a shit!

I've got a shovel and discrete neighbours.

Honestly, I needed this.

Everyone should have a drink in their bathrooms.

Oh, uh, that's not for drinking.

That's for washing down there.

(RETCHES)

(SIGHS)

(DOORBELL RINGS)

(GATE CREAKS OPEN)

Sameer! Didn't expect to see you here.

Didn't expect to see me at my own in-laws' house?

Well, since she dumped you. Oh, just move, idiot.

Salaam, Uncle.

Another hug, a quicker one?

I just brought some stuff for Aaleyah.

Kareem missed a few key items.

Lotion.

The one Kareem brought gives her bacne.

But of course, Kareem wouldn't know

because Kareem's not married to Aaleyah.

Not yet. Not ever.

Just riffing, Uncle.

The spare lotion should last you a few days, dickface.

Oh, assalamu alaikum.

So, do you think climate change is going to become...?

Aaleyah's upstairs. Oh.

Assalamu alaikum, Auntie.

Alaikum assalaam, Sameer.

(BABY GRUMBLES) Shh, shh, shh.

Mum.

You can go.

Tch!

I'll just, uh, put this here.

SINGING CARD: # Humpty Dumpty sat on the wall

# Humpty Dumpty...

(SINGING CARD STOPS)

# ..had a great fall

# All the king's horses and...

(SINGING CARD STOPS)

Can I, uh, can I hold him? Mm-hm.

I could have brought your stuff around instead of Kareem.

Why did he have to take the camel cushion?

You hate that cushion. No, I don't.

You never even wanted it. But then I got used to it,

and now I think I actually can't live without it.

The cushion.

You never wanted me to get pregnant in the first place.

That's not true.

So your work shifts just magically lined up with my ovulating dates?

I don't control the roster, Aaleyah.

Hey, this sounds crazy,

but maybe someone at work didn't want you to get pregnant.

Who knows? You wouldn't even choose a name.

Naming a human is a big deal,

Aaleyah, I still get called 'Pap Sameer'.

But, yeah, let's brainstorm one now.

Ahmed or Muhammad Ali?

Cat Stevens. Uh, Barack Hussein.

We already chose Omar.

Wait, did we? Was...? Was I there?

Yes. You literally said, "Yeah, sounds good, Aaleyah."

As you do. Wait, Omar?

Like the guy from the dry cleaners who stole 20 bucks from my jacket?

Omar, yeah, we named our son after the dry cleaning guy.

You owe me 20 bucks.

So now that Omar's here, shouldn't we...?

Should we be together?

We don't have a connection, Sameer.

We have a connection.

We have a shared bank account.

We use the same Wi-Fi router.

We have friends that overlap.

We both have iPhones.

We have the same son.

You don't love me. Yes, I do.

But you're not IN love with me. Yes, I am.

And it's gonna be exactly the same with Omar.

No, that's different, because I actually really love him.

Just tell me how I can fix it. You don't have to.

I release you.

Just say it three times.

Assalamu alaikum, Mum. Sameer.

Bloody restaurant cancelled, no?

Now I have to do it all.

Mum, you should have asked me before throwing a party for Omar.

Alhamdulillah. Oh, this is for my beautiful grandson.

What a blessing.

These are ripe enough, no?

Mm? Yeah, yeah. That's ripe.

Mum, about Omar. Have you made wudu for prayer?

Wait until you see the most beautiful dessert I'm making.

Sadiah would probably get a butler to fetch one.

What's wrong, Putta?

What? I called Kareem a dickface.

Stupid. That family talks. Yeah.

Watch it spread on WhatsApp like wildfire,

like when Kareem heard Lynx Africa prevented COVID.

Oh, and the whole family smelled like an under-16 locker room.

Then got COVID and spread it to us.

Mum, check it out. I got another photo.

What is it? A horror movie?

(THUNDER RUMBLES)

(RAIN PATTERING)

Where are you, little bastards?

Seriously, come at me, rats!

I went to state school.

I fought possums bigger than you.

(THUNDER RUMBLES)

Argh! (GASPS)

Donna, you gave me palpitations.

What the hell?

I thought you might need a shoulder to cry on.

Thanks, but you smell of rat piss.

OK, fine. I miss shitting in a proper toilet.

Ha-ha. So was it the, uh, holes in the roof?

Dude, I cannot do your, "I told you so shit" right now.

OK?

You do not know what rats are capable of.

They came into my home. They colonised it.

They took everything.

They ate their way through the traps.

Kind of sounds like my marriage. It's beyond repair.

She's not coming back. Oh, bro, I'm sorry to hear that.

I'll go get the kettle on.

You need a hot cup of cement,

and I need to get dry clothes on.

Hey, this is probably 'haram', you staying here.

You're a single woman.

I'm a single man.

I know it's not super 'halal' or anything,

but I'm technically homeless.

Oh, my God, that is a fantastic Muslim loophole.

Just don't tell my mum...

..or any Muslim.

Sure, mate. I'll remember that next time I'm at the mosque, eh?

Or a kebab shop. True.

Taxi rank. True.

7-Eleven. So true.

Aaleyah says she releases me - like I'm a cat she domesticated.

I'm released - free to roam the city and fight rats, whatever.

Wow. Freedom, bro. No wife,

no kid, no responsibilities.

And the best part is she called it off, not you.

What do you actually want?

And be honest, for once.

I was terrified of the damn baby.

Not the baby itself, but everything that comes with it.

But now I just can't stop thinking about him.

Dude, that's deep. What are you gonna do about it?

(WHISPERING) Shh, shh, he's sleeping. Go, go, go, go.

VOICE OF SAMEER: Aaleyah, I divorce you, I divorce you, I divorce you.

But can we still be a family?

How do you have fun with a baby?

FEMALE VOICE ON PHONE: This question has been red-flagged

due to child protection protocols.

Maybe you're just not dad material.

Nah, I'm gonna kill it.

(BABY CRIES) I'm gonna nail it.

(BABY URINATES) I'm just here for a circumcision.

For the baby, not for me. I'm already...

You can always do with a bit of a tune-up.

Happy to take a look at it.

I'm trying to say something encouraging

but you should be the poster boy for vasectomies.

OK? Let's roll.

(SIREN BLARES)

Paramedic Barbie, wake up. You get to stab someone with adrenaline.

You name it, we've seen it stuck up someone.

What's that sound?

Vibrating controller.

(PHONE VIBRATES)

Don't... You know when people say,

"it takes a village"?

You smell like a public toilet.

Did you get dressed in the dark?

Villages are filled with idiots.

I'm ovulating so hard right now.

(SHE GIGGLES)

Here, let me have a go. He's not a PlayStation!

You gatecrash my house with the entire mosque!

I was trying to help you!

How do I repel Muslim men?

You should try immigration. You'll lose, like, a third of them.

You little bitch! Ah! Ah!

Get out!

(SHE YELLS)

Stop it!

Ah, ah-ah, ah!

You don't need to lie.

Just don't say anything...true.

I won't be part of your deception.

I just headbutted Brian. (HE CRIES)

What is wrong with us?

Nothing. We're fantastic. Everyone else is weird and uptight.

Captions by Red Bee Media

Copyright Australian Broadcasting Corporation