Original subtitles

[♪ Celtic music playing]

Had I the heavens' embroidered cloths,

Enwrought with golden and silver light,

The blue and the dim and the dark cloths Of night and light and the half-light,

I would spread the cloths under your feet:

But I, being poor, have only my dreams;

I have spread my dreams under your feet;

Tread softly--

-For God's sake, Shelley. Not again! -[Cameron] All right. Cut!

-You can't fucking run in on a take. -Cut!

There's something on your lip. Looks like your lunch.

Seriously, I-I shouldn't have taken a chance on you.

[sighs]

Did we get it?

I think we got the first bit.

Let's take five then get those landscapes. We'll pick up the Declan shots tomorrow.

Declan!

Her first television shoot and you treat her like crap all day?

Perhaps my producer should've hired a proper make-up girl.

I'm saving money so you can have your Irish locations.

You're gonna screw your own show if you don't stop being an asshole.

You shouldn't call my dad an arsehole.

Actually, Patrick, I called your father an asshole because he's being an asshole.

And you shouldn't tell your producer what to do.

This isn't about Shelley.

It's about Maud and I'm not gonna watch you take your frustrations out on us

because your marriage imploded.

Fuck you!

Well, that's poetic. Ooh, is it Yeats?

[♪ dramatic music playing]

Cooled off?

[music ends]

It is magical here.

Is this where you grew up?

No, but we came here the year before we had Patrick. Maud and I.

It was a beautiful summer.

We swam. We ate too much. We drank too much.

[Cameron chuckles]

I was two years younger than Patrick is now.

It feels like a very long time ago.

Look, I, uh…

I shouldn't have lost my temper.

I shouldn't have sworn at you in front of the crew.

[bird calling]

[inhales sharply] How long were you standing there?

Long enough.

[chuckles]

[♪ opera music playing]

[Patricia] David Edwards,

known as Baa Baa Woolly Ramsbottom of the Cotswold Loony Party,

317 votes.

Baa!

[Patricia] Gerald Middleton, Conservative Party,

-36,106 votes. -[crowd cheering]

[Patricia] I do hereby declare that Gerald Middleton is duly elected

Member of Parliament for Chalford and Bisley.

[groans]

Are you not staying to congratulate him?

He doesn't need me tarnishing his reputation.

Anyway, I have a date.

[Gerald] Thank you. Thank you. [speaks indistinctly]

[♪ "So Macho" playing]

-[supporter 1] Well done! -[supporter 2] Well done!

[supporter 3 cheering]

Campbell-Black?

What are you doing here? Where's Arthur?

Arthur's an Old Harrovian, Jeremy.

Once he heard I needed a tête-à-tête with BBC One's top dog,

his Achilles flared up. Rotten luck.

Am I detecting an ambush?

Didn't you know, squash was invented at Harrow?

[♪ "So Macho" continues]

[both grunting, panting]

Fuck!

[grunts]

Before the PM invited me to resign, we got on splendidly,

which is how I know Auntie Beeb's hanging by a thread

and you've been tasked with making programmes

the public actually want to watch.

So I've had an idea that I think might be worth your while.

Game ball.

[grunts]

[groans, pants]

-Okay, I'm listening. -[breathes heavily]

So, shall we stop flirting and get into bed together?

[song continues through speakers]

[knocking on door]

Hmm.

I apologised to Shelley.

Olive branch?

[phone ringing]

Oh.

[Rupert] Oh, hello, darling. I hope you're wearing something tiny.

Mmm, darling, I'm not wearing anything at all.

[chuckles] Declan? I thought this was Cameron's room?

It is. We're working.

[Rupert] Excellent. Good you're together 'cause I have tremendous news.

It's Rupert. He has tremendous news.

I have personally secured Venturer a prime-time slot on BBC One.

Wait, what?

[Rupert] Your BBC pal Jeremy and I agree

that if there's one thing the British love,

it's famous people being silly on television.

Preferably famous people with a past.

So I thought, use my fall from grace for Venturer's benefit.

Uh, wait there.

Um…

-[Beaver whines] -Oh, Beaver, move, move. Beaver.

-Wait, what's he saying? -I don't know.

They would like an hour special, entertainment, family fun.

Traditional Englishness with a smatter of sex appeal.

The BBC dumped Yeats because of you and now they want your sex appeal?

And yours.

Rupert, what are you talking about?

[Rupert] Oh! Hello, darling. We have a slot.

Before Howard's Way, last Sunday in September.

Jeremy says film it the week before, keep it fresh.

No, we'll still be in Ireland then.

-Finish early. -We can't "finish early".

This is a huge boon for Venturer.

Which you're no longer a part of.

Declan, your poetry thingy is great but only for bookworms really.

This is prime time BBC with a Venturer logo.

Just get Cameron to do her ball breaker act and hurry them along.

-Okay, Declan? -No.

[dial tone]

[♪ intriguing music playing]

They hung up.

[whines]

-I'm calling him back actually-- -No, no, no. No.

No, I'm telling him he's being a dumb-ass.

No, he's right.

The documentary is elitist, that's why we like it.

But this could show them that we could do everything.

[phone ringing]

Hello.

[Declan] Okay, we can do it. But you have massive mountains to move.

Who have you spoken to, to be involved?

Mrs O'Hara, what does it mean to be working in television

after all your years in the theatre?

It's an honour to be part of such a beloved show.

And wh-what can you tell our readers about series three?

[Maud] Well, we're keeping the storylines under wraps,

but as Lady Arabella, it will be my job to keep these boys in line…

[chuckles] …so I'll enjoy that. [chuckles]

And how does your husband feel about you working for Lord Baddingham?

Oh, Simon, you had to ask.

[Maud] Declan has his career and I have mine.

I don't know much about television franchises,

but I do know a great script when I read one.

-[♪ mischievous music playing] -[camera shutters clicking]

[moos]

Happy?

Couldn't be happier. He was eating out of your hand.

-[chuckles] -Well done.

Spot of lunch?

It's 10:30 in the morning and I'm wanted at a costume fitting.

Well, you're wanted in lots of places.

[inhales deeply]

As lovely as the offer is, Tony,

I think I should, uh, lunch at home.

Declan waiting for you?

No, he's off shooting in Ireland.

The house is like a ghost town, but nevertheless…

[clicks tongue] Ever the professional.

[inhales sharply] You and I both know that that is not true.

[Sandra] Ready for you, Maud.

[Maud] Oh, thank you!

[sighs, exhales]

Monica?

Oh… [sighs]

[inhales sharply]

I've been persuaded to appear on How to Stay Married.

Isn't it ridiculous?

Are you learning your lines?

Oh, no. [chuckles] No, Tony wrote some things down for me.

I really am not used to this sort of thing.

Going on television. [inhales sharply]

Just smile and be yourself.

Oh, myself would be at home with the dogs.

I don't know how you do it.

Well, rampant narcissism.

[chuckles]

How's Four Men going?

It's nerve-wracking.

[Monica] You will be wonderful. You always are.

That's why I suggested you for Titania.

Monica…

Do I look all right?

I feel awfully overdone.

You need a lot more, um… than normal when you're on TV.

It's the… It's the studio lights.

[clicks tongue] Mmm.

[♪ television jingle playing]

Five, four, three…

Good evening, and welcome to…

[both] How To Stay Married.

With me, James Vereker.

And me, Lizzie, his wife.

And on tonight's series finale,

we talk to a couple very close to our hearts.

[James] Corinium's Managing Director and Chairman, Lord Tony Baddingham,

and his good wife, Lady Monica Baddingham.

Now, Monica, you've been married for 19 years, is that right?

-Oh, goodness, is it that long? -[James chuckles]

Cut to camera two.

Well, no, of course I know how long we've been married,

-it's just, um-- -Well, time flies when you're having fun.

Why's he putting her through this?

Family values.

Nothing at all to do with the franchise bid.

[Tony] Well, I couldn't have hoped for a better wife.

Monica's always understood the job that I do.

The late nights, the long working lunches.

Last-minute trips to London,

all that's part and parcel of a television executive's life.

But I couldn't have done it without her patience, her steadfast support.

Poor Monica.

[Tony] Monica's my rock.

She looks appalling.

[chuckles]

[Lizzie] So, help us, you seem to have cracked the code.

What's the secret to a perfect marriage?

Oh, there's no secret really, it's actually quite simple.

You have to be respectful of each other,

never take each other for granted.

Infinite forgiveness.

Communication.

-Yes, and never bottle things up. -Fabulous. And--

Um, 'cause marriage takes work.

You have to let each other grow and change,

and still be the person who loves them best of all.

Knowing that whatever they do,

they're most at home when they're with you.

Whatever they do. [chuckles]

Not that Tony would ever…

We've-We've always been absolutely devoted to each other.

[James] Well, that's just lovely.

So, would you both agree that honesty is the best policy?

Oh, it's the only policy for any relationship.

[breathes shakily]

[James] Wise words from a wise man. Good couple.

-Wise couple. -You okay, Mummy?

-[James] It's rather emotional, isn't it? -It's not finished.

-Um, the dogs need to go out. -[James] I think we all agree,

-you're a very lucky lady. -[door opens]

[James] Well done, Lady Baddingham.

Darling?

Well, I can't think why that make-up girl put all that stuff on my face.

I looked like a birthday cake.

You didn't at all, but I'm sorry you were uncomfortable.

Oh, my sister's going to have a field day when she sees it.

Araminta would give her right arm to be on television.

And that's the arm she drinks with.

Oh, darling.

I can't thank you enough for doing that silly little show with me.

We're winning this thing thanks to you.

Good. Well, I'm just glad it's all over.

If you're working late tonight,

I wonder whether it might be better for you

to move your things back into your room

so that you don't wake me up when you come to bed.

Yeah, of course, darling.

Come on, dogs.

Dogs.

[dogs bark]

-[crows cawing] -[birds chirping]

[♪ pensive piano music playing]

[sighs]

[dogs barking]

Come on, this way. This way. Come on.

[owl hooting]

[animal screeches]

[doorbell rings]

[piano music stops]

[sighs]

Late night at the office, is it?

Or last-minute trip to London?

The television executive life.

I suppose this would class as attending to the needs of my biggest star.

My needs?

[♪ dangerous music playing]

Are you going to invite me in?

[inhales deeply]

[exhales]

I don't know what happens if I allow you to cross the threshold.

Shall we try and find out?

I don't seem to have burst into flames.

Have you?

I don't know that I've been in this house since your husband left Corinium.

No, and for good reason.

Have they all left you by yourself?

Mmm. Taggie's at a catering gig.

Declan's still in Ireland?

Mm-hmm. But I have a very stupid dog to protect me,

so don't be trying anything.

I wouldn't dare.

I heard you playing.

Play for me.

[sighs, clicks tongue] Mmm.

[piano playing]

Oh, these are wonderful.

Helps they were 25 years ago.

You've been a lot of people, haven't you?

I've been a lot of different hysterical women.

Do you ever forget who you are?

Only when I'm not acting.

[Tony exhales heavily]

[♪ suspenseful music playing]

[breathing heavily]

[Maud chuckles]

[moaning]

[both breathing heavily, moaning]

[Tony inhales deeply]

That might be from 25 years ago, but you're far more beautiful now.

[laughs] Oh, you say all the right things.

I mean it. You should see yourself, you're exquisite.

I wish I could take a picture of you now.

Didn't have you down as a photographer.

I'll have you know, before I sold my soul to advertising,

I was a professional.

Pounding the streets of New York with a camera bag full of ideals.

[chuckles]

Are you laughing at me having ideals?

No, I just didn't know you were a photographer.

[inhales sharply] Well, I very nearly wasn't.

At 15, I bought my first camera with birthday money.

I took it everywhere.

Told my dad I wanted to be a photographer.

It was the first time I'd been honest

about not following him into the family business

he'd worked so hard to build.

Dad grabbed the camera and pulled the film out in a long spiral.

I can still see his face as he did it.

Camera ended up out the window, smashed on the drive.

He didn't say a word about it after that.

And it didn't stop you doing it?

I do tend to go after what I want.

[♪ sweeping, whimsical music playing]

-[horse whinnies] -Go again?

Open your shirt.

More than half your audience are female.

-We like chest hair. -Really?

Well, if it's good enough for Tom Selleck?

[Mike chuckles]

[clicks tongue]

Is that true? The chest hair?

Women love the rug.

[♪ sweeping, whimsical music playing]

Sex on a stick.

On a horse.

[music ends]

[Cameron] I mean, she's youthful, here, we can get her for free.

Taggie's not here to force you to eat, so corned beef and mustard.

Good man.

-Yeah. Mm-hmm. -Done.

[Patrick] Nathalie Perrault?

From Mum's play?

Yeah, she won't like that.

Your mother doesn't work for Venturer.

I don't like it either, but Nathalie's still so mad for Rupert

that I've convinced her agent that she'll host just for the exposure.

Host what?

Have you two finally decided on what it is?

Yeah. Take a seat.

So…

you ask the man on the street what Rupert is famous for and they say?

Bonking his way around Britain.

Excuse me?

[Declan] Next famous?

An unhealthy need to win.

You could put it like that.

I'd call it competitiveness.

So our new show is the ultimate competition.

A medieval tournament pitting a team of Rupert's glamorous pals…

Hmm. Glamorous international pals.

…against a team captained by yours truly.

A cheeky nod to British history.

Winners get prizes. Losers get gunged.

Hopefully Rupert.

We also sell it to NBC. They're already keen.

The Golden Gauntlet as the title.

Only the bold…

-…will win the gold. -[Cameron chuckles]

[chuckles]

Uh, Cameron, can we talk about the colour and the consistency of the gunge?

Sure.

-Uh, nice work today. -Yes, well done.

-Goodnight. -Goodnight.

Isn't it a huge risk letting Rupert set this up while you're away?

[sighs] I mean, everyone deserves a second chance.

Not everyone it seems.

Perhaps it's time you gave up on you and Cameron.

Would you ever give up on Mum?

[clicks tongue]

Remember, Fred-Fred, no cigars or cigarettes at work.

Tomorrow's World says that smoking causes cancer.

Yeah. [sighs] Love you too, Val.

[lighter clicks]

Dad? Isn't that my field?

[♪ dramatic music playing]

-[engine revving] -[tyres squealing]

Mr Jones. Reception really shouldn't have let you up here.

[stammers] Lord B is not to be disturbed.

No.

Freddie.

One of our fax machines on the blink?

I was buying that field for Sharon.

Oh, yes.

But gazumping is such fun.

Ladies and gentlemen, give Ginger and I a moment.

And miss all the testosterone?

What the fuck are you playing at, Tony?

Always be on the lookout for new business opportunities, you know that.

And I'm pretty certain Baddingham Estates will make a bucket of money for me.

And a wonderful daily view for you.

What's the house called again?

Bella Vista?

[♪ dramatic music continues]

[music ends]

Can't stand disappointing my kids.

Fucking Tony.

Can't believe you share genes with that fucker.

My genes and I would like to apologise.

Come on, we know my brother's a world-class shit.

Well, we need to keep our wits about us.

Rupert? That's why the Golden Gauntlet needs to be great.

And then boom, you're back in business,

all that lot change their tune, just you wait.

I do feel awful for Taggie though. I mean, what are they thinking?

What was who thinking?

Well, it looks like the O'Haras forgot Taggie's birthday today,

the whole lot of them.

-What? -[Kevin] Poor Taggie.

-What's that about Taggie? -Her birthday today, apparently.

Twenty-first and all.

I mean, we all remember Patrick's 21st.

Mmm. He had a fivesome that night.

-[Freddie chuckles] -Happy New Year. [chuckles]

I walked into that.

Disgusting.

-[thunder rumbling] -[crows cawing]

[knocks on door]

[exhales deeply]

What are you doing here?

Oh, God, it's raining. Come in.

Um, well, um…

I heard it was someone's 21st birthday.

[chuckles] It is.

But, um, Daddy's away, so…

Yeah, um…

I'm sorry though.

You should have a party as big as Patrick's. This place was packed.

[chuckles] I… I don't want a party, it's okay.

How have you been?

Flying by the seat of my jodhpurs as usual.

Everyone seems very excited about your Golden Gauntlet.

Are, uh, Tab and Marcus coming?

Um, well, Helen would never allow that. Baby steps.

[whining]

Uh… your picnic's making a noise.

That's because it's not a picnic.

It's your birthday present.

[chuckles] Oh, my…

[gasps]

[♪ spellbinding music playing]

[chuckles]

Oh, my goodness! He's gorgeous.

-Oh, he's very affectionate! -Well, he's got good taste.

[chuckles] Thank you. [chuckles]

[chuckles] Thank you so much.

He's adorable.

Oh, Rupe! Here's a surprise.

Hey, you beat me to it.

Uh, uh, so Bas heard it was my birthday too.

-He's b-brought over dinner. -[Basil] Hmm.

Uh, I'm sure it could stretch. It's, uh, chicken and pesto.

Yeah. Yeah. With lots of basil!

-[chuckles] Um… -[Basil chuckles]

…no, I've got plans.

-But enjoy the, um, presto. -Uh, pesto.

Uh, thank you for the puppy.

-From you? -Oh!

Whoa, it's cute.

-Gertrude! Come on. -[Basil] Gertrude, what's this?

-Come and say hello. -You like that?

She's very affectionate. Oh!

-[Taggie] …little darling. -Happy birthday, Angel.

-[Taggie] Lots of kisses and cuddles. -[Basil] Nice.

-[Rupert] Naughty note for the milkman? -Oh, God.

Oh…

I, uh, look bloated on camera.

James is switching me to semi-skimmed.

Wanker.

Careful, the wanker's watching.

-[Rupert chuckles] -[chuckles] Oh.

Now, listen, um, I know it means crossing enemy lines,

but will you come and watch the filming tomorrow?

Between us, I'm not at all sure of my reception,

and Freddie's gonna be there.

We're meant to be staying away from each other.

Well, Mrs Makepiece needs volunteers for the Brownies' refreshments stall.

You could wrangle the Ribena.

-[chuckles] Wrangle the Ribena? -Mm-hmm.

-Very good. -[Rupert laughs]

[chuckles]

Oh, I'll think about it.

[breathes deeply]

Good girl.

Oh, no, no, no. No…

-You don't need semi-skimmed. -[Lizzie chuckles]

Thank you.

[♪ intriguing music playing]

What did that hooligan want?

Uh, I think he just wanted to see a friendly face.

Well, I'm forbidding you to fraternise with him from now on.

[sniffs]

-Oh, and Lizzie? -Hmm?

[James] Please don't use my bath pearls without asking.

There were eight here last night, now there's only three.

Little bit of a selfish Sally, don't you think?

[exhales deeply]

[sighs]

Well, before I leave you all to catch the overnight ferry,

I just want to say this shoot has been the best!

[crew cheers]

To be honest, when I first worked with Cameron and Declan,

whoa, the way they snapped at each other…

[chuckles] …I was gobsmacked,

but… [exhales deeply] …all of that passion, that is gold dust.

And if just one speck of that has made it into our programme,

I'm sure it'll be a smash.

So I would like to propose a toast to Cameron and Declan.

-[coin clinks] -[crew] To Cameron and Declan!

And to beautiful Ireland.

[crew] To Ireland!

[♪ "Super Freak" playing]

I don't know… I'm-I'm too old for that.

Oh, come on, you're not that old.

[laughs]

-[song stops] -[knock at door]

[Tony] Enter.

[door opens]

Ah!

What do you think?

[scoffs]

I think you could take a better photograph.

Actually, I got you something.

[clears throat]

The camera boys put me onto this photography shop.

I hoped it might be like the one your da smashed?

[stammers] I'm… I'm sorry.

Look, I-I can take it back, it's… [scoffs]

My father didn't smash it.

-Well, he threw it out the window. -I said it went out of the window.

I threw it as an alternative to smashing it into his face.

[chuckles]

[laughing]

Thank you.

I'm touched.

[♪ "Word Up!" playing]

[Maud moans]

That's it.

Slow down.

There's no rush.

This time in three months, we'll know if we've won.

I was just wondering, is there life after the franchise for me and Rupert?

[lighter flicks closed]

I'd like to think so.

I've grown very fond of you both.

Both of us?

-[chuckles] -Hmm.

Under all that chain mail, you're as soft as thistledown.

[chuckles]

Why were you so awful to Patrick?

Maybe I liked him too much.

And there was Tony.

[inhales deeply]

And you.

Well, I knew you disapproved of me.

Well, I know you better now,

and Patrick would suit you much more than Rupert.

And he wouldn't mess you about.

Maud messes you about.

When you came to Corinium, I did my research.

Among all the column inches on your career,

there was Maud photographed with one man, on the arm of another.

Sipping Martinis with Bono?

Oh, no, no, no, no, no. B-Bono is a family friend.

Mmm. [chuckles]

If you marry someone like Maud,

you accept that beautiful people are not governed

by the same rules as ordinary mortals.

She's not so beautiful she gets to take you for granted.

Maud knows she could never better what she has with me.

-She does it for flattery. -Mm-hmm.

And for the relief from the loneliness

that anyone living with a workaholic has to endure.

It's a pretty fucked up idea of marriage.

[chuckling]

Yeah.

Have you ever cheated on her?

Have you ever wanted to?

Not until tonight.

Then it isn't just me.

[♪ dangerous music plays]

When you create something you both know is special,

it's natural to want some kind of consummation.

It happens on television shoots all the time.

Not like this.

Let's…

go upstairs.

It would complicate things.

I can deal with complications.

[♪ "Ging Gang Goolie" playing]

[brownie] ♪ Ging gang goolie Goolie goolie goolie watcha ♪

♪ Ging gang goo, ging gang goo ♪

[all] ♪ Ging gang goolie Goolie goolie goolie watcha ♪

♪ Ging gang goo, ging gang goo ♪

♪ Hayla, hayla, shayla ♪

♪ Hayla, shayla, hayla, ho ♪

♪ Hayla, hayla, shayla ♪

♪ Hayla, shayla, hayla, ho ♪

♪ Shali walli, shali walli Shali walli, shali walli ♪

♪ Umpa, umpa, umpa! ♪

[song fades]

-[vocalising softly] -[dog whines]

-When did we get another dog? -Oh, it's from Rupert for my birthday.

[gasps]

Oh, my God, it was your birthday.

Oh, that's so awful of me.

-H-How-- -What, how old was I?

No. Well, I know how old you are. I'm not that bad.

Well, at least it wasn't a big one.

Oh, fuck, it was your 21st!

You know, you're always saying how you nearly died having me.

-It's like-- -You turned up early,

which is why I can never remember the date!

Oh, I want to kill myself.

-[Taggie] Oh, Mummy, don't do that! -What?

Be so dramatically cross that there's no room for me to be.

I'm sorry.

I really am.

[sighs] It's okay.

Look, I don't expect you to remember my birthday.

Oh.

Why don't you come and watch the filming with me?

And Caitlin's coming from school.

I'm sure Daddy would love to see you there.

[Declan] No, I understand the concern. Completely.

But how about we shoot the show, and then we decide?

The shooting of the show seems an inevitability right now.

[Rupert] Oh, yes.

Darling, this is, uh, this is Nathalie Perrault.

You have made it rather tricky for us to say no.

[Rupert] Uh, this is Cameron…

I don't want to sound like a daddy's boy,

but I promised my father Rupert was out of the company.

Today, Rupert is a freelancer just like any other.

But he put all this together by himself.

I was in Ireland.

He worked his backside off.

I am risking my neck to direct the show today.

Tony would have me hung, drawn, and quartered.

But I believe in Venturer, and I trust Declan's judgement.

I think it's right that we support Rupert.

[Declan] If it's incredible,

maybe we'll all be convinced to bring him back.

The champagne should be cooling in your dressing room.

And, um, we'll have a big party afterwards.

I was very disappointed when Mrs Jones telephoned.

Sneaking off here, of all places, to watch Rupert's Golden Gauntlet.

This would really upset your father.

It was my duty to inform you, Mon-Mon.

When I saw them sneaking over the ha-ha, I got straight onto the car phone.

-Didn't I, Sharon? -Yeah, straight on the phone. Sorry.

-[Monica] What were you thinking, Archie? -It was my idea, Mummy.

Yes, but Archie shouldn't have gone along with it.

He's old enough to know better. Now let's go.

-Hello, Enid. -[Archie] Hey.

How are you?

They've hired some medieval fanfare trumpets.

I'm quite excited.

Mummy, guess who else is here?

-Who? -The tennis player.

Your favourite.

No.

We could just stay for a bit, couldn't we?

All right.

As long as nobody utters a word to Daddy.

You can sit with me.

-[Charles] Five, four, three… -[♪ fanfare playing]

…two, one, and action Floor.

Ladies and gentlemen, Mesdames et Messieurs.

Knights and knaves, dames and damsels, you're all in for a treat.

But only the bold will win the gold.

We welcome you to…

The Golden Gauntlet!

-[crowd cheers] -[♪ "Gold" playing]

-♪ Gold ♪ -♪ Gold ♪

♪ Always believe in your soul ♪

♪ You've got the power to know You're indestructible ♪

♪ Always believing ♪

-♪ You are gold ♪ -♪ Gold ♪

♪ Glad that you're bound to return ♪

♪ Something I could have learned You're indestructible ♪

♪ Always believing ♪

♪ That you are… ♪

[crowd cheers]

[Nathalie] Let us welcome our teams.

Team Rupert!

[crowd cheering]

[Rupert] Come on, blues!

And their formidable opponents,

Team Declan!

[cheering continues]

[crowd chanting] Declan! Declan!

Declan! Declan! Declan!

[horse whinnies]

[♪ "Stand and Deliver" playing]

[both grunting]

Those two are so good together.

[no audible dialogue]

[shouts]

This one too.

[laughs] That's made me want some mead.

-I'll go and get a round in. -[Beattie] Rupert! Rupert.

How have you been?

What are you doing here?

It's a public event.

You all came to watch our Shakespeare.

I've come to watch your shambles.

[Bishop Brenton] It's not a shambles, Miss Johnson.

It's bloody brilliant!

Well done, Rupert! [chuckles]

My sister really wants to bonk your brother.

Do you think she's pretty?

Well, Dom'll fuck anything.

What's your type then?

Get me six more pints and find out.

[Nathalie] And now for the archery!

[crowd cheering]

[in French] Allez les rouges!

[in English] Oh! Oh, isn't she sublime? [chuckles]

I'm still not entirely happy about all this.

You know Rupert isn't trying to win Nathalie Perrault's heart.

He's trying to win yours.

[Nathalie] Let us see which of the teams can win the heart of the princess.

[Rupert] When's Taggie's birthday?

[crowd oohing]

[crowd cheer]

Shit.

[Rupert] She does everything for you.

Without Taggie the rest of you would starve.

[scoffs]

I don't know why you're being so sanctimonious.

I'd look to your own house if I were you.

[crowd cheers]

[applause on TV]

[Nathalie] Nil points!

What do you mean by that?

Do you not think Cameron deserves better?

[crowd oohing]

Cameron's never had it better than with me.

I'm not talking about sex, you fucking caveman.

I'm just saying talk to her, that's all.

She's lonely.

[crowd cheers]

Freddie!

Hello, kids!

This is a laugh, innit? [chuckles]

I like your uniform.

I-I'm an owl.

-[chuckles] -What a hoot.

[chuckles]

I-I mean, it suits you.

Mmm. [inhales sharply]

Better get that Perrier to Valerie before it goes flat.

[sighs]

[Nathalie] Now for our final challenge!

-Let the tugging begin! -[crowd cheering]

-[spectator 1] Come on, you blues! -[spectator 2] Come on, Rupert!

Come on! Pull!

[all straining]

Pull!

[♪ opera music playing]

Come on, guys!

[Declan] Pull!

Put your back into it! Come on!

[teammate] Tug, Declan, tug!

Come on, lads! Go for victory!

Let's go! Pull!

Pull!

[all straining]

Yes!

[cheering]

Come on!

This isn't scripted.

Well, just keep the cameras rolling.

[chuckles]

[Nathalie] And the winner of the Golden Gauntlet is…

[crowd oohing]

Team Declan!

-[cheers] -[crowd cheering]

Come on!

[groans]

[chanting] Declan! Declan!

Yes!

[cheering continues]

And now for the losers…

-[crowd oohs] -Gunge! Gunge!

[chanting] Gunge! Gunge! Gunge!

Gunge! Gunge! Gunge! Gunge!

[chanting continues]

[cheering]

[exclaims]

[laughing]

[Charles] Oh! [continues laughing]

-Ah. Shelley? -Yep?

-You all right? -[grunts]

-Staying for a drink? -Oh, I wish you hadn't asked me to come.

-[exhales] -What, didn't you enjoy it?

-I was glad you were here. -Being near him…

Darling--

You know… [stammers] …it's easy being silly in the summer

when the sun's shining and everything feels possible.

[♪ heartbreaking music plays]

But it's September.

Time to put the rose-tinted glasses away.

Darling, you can't just--

I don't need you to play Cupid, Rupert.

Please.

-[sighs, chuckles] -[chuckles]

I'm taking the children home for supper with their father.

And well done.

It was brilliant.

Look at you! How have you still got so much energy?

[child chuckles]

[Declan] I've missed you so much.

Every minute in Ireland reminded me of you.

Of us.

I know I've made you sad, and lonely,

and I will kiss you better for every moment of that

if you just give me another chance.

You used me for the cameras, Declan.

For all I know, you missed me for the cameras too.

No.

No, I promise you. Let-Let-Let me show you.

-I-I know I've been a shite husband. -[scoffs]

Well, I haven't been the best wife.

You are.

[♪ tender music plays]

You are the best wife.

Let's talk about this later,

just somewhere a little less public.

Let me take a shower and then we can head home.

No.

You should congratulate Rupert.

You need to congratulate Rupert. We should stay.

-You sure? -Mmm.

Just wash off the gunge, we'll, uh… we'll have a drink.

[breathes shakily]

[Valerie] It's so lovely to get reacquainted today, Mon-Mon.

Well, I've missed you.

Mmm, thank you, Valerie.

-[chuckles] -Mousie, I mean.

Once all of this terrible franchise business is over,

well, you and I are gonna be the best of friends.

I do like your cricket dress.

Really?

Thank you.

I'll put one by in the boutique for you.

Just pop in any time.

[chuckles] Bye.

Cheerio.

[engine starts]

Monica.

My German's a bit rusty, but I asked her to sign it for you.

You'll have to keep it secret from Tony.

Yes. Yes, I will.

Thank you.

Mmm.

Dame Enid is such a funny fish.

Isn't she, Mummy?

Well, that's unkind, Beatrice.

People might say I'm a funny fish too.

Now, come on.

Home before Daddy misses us.

[car doors close]

Am I forgiven for trying to muscle back in?

It was extremely sneaky of you.

But you made people very happy today.

I'm honoured to be a Venturer alongside you.

I'd say this calls for champagne.

Oh, Rupert.

You say that about everything.

-Whee! -[partygoer whoops]

I knew you two were gonna smash it.

What a day.

The A-team, back together again.

I reckon the BBC, they're gonna want a Christmas special.

Maybe even a whole series.

Everything was simply perfect.

Now we just need to focus on beating Tony, huh?

Yeah, I'll second that.

-I'll third that. -Mmm. [chuckles]

[Mike] Declan.

I'm off.

I've gotta get the footage to Bristol tonight, so…

Ah, the tapes can wait an hour. Have a drink.

-You've had a good week. Come on, Mikey. -[stammers, laughs]

-Come on, get that down ya. -Ah, all right. You twist my arm.

[Muffy] Gosh, isn't it exciting, Charles?

Gerry's been so busy at Westminster.

First MP in the family since the Titanic, what?

[giggles] We actually really didn't think he'd win.

-[Henry] No. -Really?

-[Hermione] No. [laughs] -I always knew he would.

Um, shall we, uh… shall we freshen these glasses?

-[Henry] I thought you'd never ask. -[Hermione] Good idea.

-[Henry] Let's. -Everything okay?

Oh, Go… Yes. [chuckles]

This summer with Gerry has been a fairy tale.

I'm so lucky.

He's the lucky one, Muffy.

[stammers]

Sorry you didn't win.

Today's been my biggest win for a long time.

Have you named the puppy?

Oh, Mummy wants to call him Claudius.

She says there's a Claudius and Gertrude in Shakespeare.

-Hope they're not baddies. -[laughs]

So, go on. What do you like apart from polo?

[clicks tongue] Older, successful men.

-[scoffs] -No offence.

[Cameron] You can do better.

Can't seem to do anything at the moment.

Well, I remember you telling me you were gonna write a play.

-What happened to that? -Life happened.

Well, if there's anything we learned from Yeats,

it's that life and art happen at the same time.

Geez, go to Paris and find yourself.

Write the play.

[Dommie sighs] Thank you, sweetheart.

What time do you get off?

When the fizz runs out.

[chuckles]

Can I get your autograph, Rupert?

Okay.

So, um, who do I make it out to?

Perdita.

P-E-R-D-I-T-A.

Perdita. Well, that's an unusual name.

[Dommie] You should see Perdita play stick and ball.

-Great little player. -[scoffs] When she follows the rules.

-[laughs] -Rules are for breaking.

Well, perhaps Perdita can join the team, Fred.

-What do you think? -Have you got it in you to be a Jones Jet?

Absolutely.

I'm going to be the first woman with a ten handicap.

Mmm. Confidence, we like confidence.

-I don't doubt it. -Very good.

[laughing]

[all] ♪ Happy birthday to you ♪

♪ Happy birthday to you ♪

♪ Happy birthday, dear Taggie ♪

♪ Happy birthday to you ♪

[cheering]

-[Caitlin] Ta-da! -Oh, you made this for me?

-Well, apart from the doughnuts anyway. -You don't make doughnuts.

Hooray! Doughnuts for breakfast.

Mwah. [chuckles]

[engine rumbling]

-Thank you. -Cheers.

[sighs]

[gasps]

[sighs]

[panting] Declan!

-Someone's in a rush. -The tapes. It's the tapes.

[pants] Um.

-[pants] The tapes have gone. -Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Calm down. What do you mean?

The-The-The editor called

and the tapes I delivered last night were blank.

-[stammers] They can't be. -They are.

They are. The whole… The-The whole show, all the footage, gone!

Could somebody have wiped them? Swapped them?

No, who would do that?

Tony!

Tony!

Get out here right now or I'll knock the bloody door down!

Good morning, Declan.

It was you.

-What have I done now? -You swiped our tapes!

The Golden Gauntlet, the whole recording, where is it?

What, your… your gungy little gang show?

You've lost the whole programme? Dear me, that was careless.

Who was it? Was it Beattie? Or Monica?

Or your own children? I wouldn't put it past you.

They were there, were they?

Jeux sans frontières, I suppose.

Everything you do will come back to you, Tony.

A hundred fold.

Mmm.

Well, sounds like you have an almighty mess to sort out,

but it has nothing to do with me.

So with the greatest possible respect, fuck off.

[♪ "I Think We're Alone Now" playing]

[shouting] Fuck!

[yawns]

[song ends]

[♪ opera music playing]