Original subtitles

Oh!

Attaboy, Adam. Bull's-eye.

I got enough for a couple more.

Hurry up.

We got a good crowd.

[Noise]

It's awful quiet out there.

What's going on?

Oh, what are you doing with it this time?

Empty that thing and please put it--Adam?

Adam. Give it to mommy, sweetheart.

That's a no-no.

Adam, don't drop it, sweetheart.

Give it to mommy.

Give it to mommy, it's a no-no.

Give it to mommy, Adam.

Don't drop it.

That does it.

George, Gabriel,

no television for you two tonight.

What did we do?

You never said anything

about paper bags out the window.

You just said cherry pits and marbles.

Anyway, we didn't drop 'em.

It was Adam.

I suppose it was Adam's idea, huh?

Yes, I know, sweetheart. It wasn't your fault.

[Baby cries]

Well, gee, if they murdered somebody,

it would be the guy that shot the gun to go to jail,

not the one that got the idea.

So Adam's the one that shouldn't get to watch television.

I mean, if you want to be fair.

Well, I don't want to be fair.

Now, what do you think about that?

So nobody gets to watch television,

including the attorney for the defense!

Oh, just once in my life,

I'd like to get dressed

without an audience.

Boy, if we made a mess like this

in our room,

she'd sure carry on.

Listen, when I make a mess, I clean it up.

When you make a mess, I clean it up, too.

Good-bye, gentlemen.

What do you do that for?

To make my eyelashes longer.

What do you want them to look longer for?

Everybody wants--

oh, fellas,

now you know I have to meet--

David, put that down.

I'm very late. Will you please have a heart?

Look whose better instincts

I'm appealing to.

Mrs. Mackay.

Yes?

Maybe I ought

to feed the kids before I go,

seeing it's a new babysitter.

Let her have the pleasure.

You'd better go, Maggie. It's after 6:00.

After 6:00! Oh!

See you in the morning.

George, this is my last warning.

You eat tomatoes in bed once more

and you scrape

the seeds off the sheets.

Oh, Maggie,

you always say that.

I know.

[Telephone rings]

[Everyone] I'll get it!

I said I'll get it.

Hello.

Oh, hi, mother.

I can't talk. I'm dressing to meet Larry.

What?

Mother. Mother, why did you promise?

You know Larry only gets two tickets for openings.

Mother, critics--

critics don't ask producers for favors.

What if producers ask for favors back?

Well, mother, I'm sorry, you'll have to be mad.

Ow!

For heaven's sake, I'm sorry.

[Telephone rings]

[Everyone] I'll get it!

Hello.

Yeah?

Mm-hmm.

Ok.

It's for you.

Who is it?

How should I know?

Hello.

Oh, Alfred North, boy producer.

It's your godfather, dopey.

How are you, godfather?

Full of opening night jitters?

Not a jitter to my name.

Just had our final run-through.

I've never been this happy and relaxed about a show.

It's Larry I'm worried about.

Kate, his first signed review

as a major critic's awfully important.

Everyone will be looking for it.

Don't make him nervous about it.

Just let him come to the theater,

enjoy himself, and write what he feels.

Tell him for me

I'm feeling pretty sentimental about

my opening night being his opening night, too.

He made a fine, slobbery speech

on the very same theme this morning.

Stop it!

Not you, Alfred. George.

What?

Not you. Alfred.

Kate, dear, this is a very old vaudeville bit.

What's the matter with you?

I have four kids, and they're all in this room!

That's what's the matter with me! Out!

Darling, I've got to go.

Of course we'll be at the party.

I've lost 5 pounds and bought a new dress for it.

I'll be praying when the curtain rises. Bye.

Stop it!

I mean it now. Go on in there and play

go play with hobo.

He's asleep.

That's all he does is eat and sleep.

He's a dog. What do you want from him,

blank verse?

What about Adam?

Go talk to Adam for a change.

What about, cokee-cola?

Maybe you should have lost 10 pounds.

Help me, huh?

Help me, David.

Zip it up now.

Aahh! Oh!

Sorry.

You just took a pound of dear old mother.

Keep going, no matter how much I holler.

All right. Up?

Yeah.

Ok. Thank you.

There. how do I look, fellas?

Like you're going to bust.

Flatterer.

[Doorbell rings]

Get it for me, will you? It's the new babysitter.

And be nice. Don't scare her.

Hi.

Does Lawrence Mackay live here?

Yeah. But he's not in.

Want to talk to my mother?

That's his wife.

Yeah, if she isn't busy.

She's not busy.

Just getting dressed, that's all.

Come on in.

Cooooo-kee!

Cooooo-la!

What's the matter with him?

Nothing.

What's he all locked in for?

So he won't get out.

They keep you all in cages

when you were little?

No, just him.

Mrs. Greenfield?

Oh, you're not Mrs. Greenfield.

Uh--um...

I'm Joe Positano.

You're Mrs. Mackay?

There's a little old lady

runs a pet shop off east 62nd street.

She's your mother.

Yes, I know.

She says I should see your husband.

You see, I only drive a hack to make--

Mr. Positano, why does my mother want you to see my husband?

I wrote this play!

Wait till I tell you the idea.

It'll knock you right on your backside.

Would you excuse me? I'm in an awful hurry.

It's a musical.

It's based on

the first two books of the old testament.

You know, the Bible.

How's that for universal appeal?

Staggering.

Ain't it?

All right, so now I got it,

I want an opinion.

A little advice, maybe, how to improve it.

Mr. Mackay is not a playwright.

Who needs a playwright? I'm a playwright.

All I need's a fella who's going to tell me what's wrong,

if anything--a critic.

My husband is a very new critic.

He was a professor of drama at Columbia, wasn't he?

Ok. Who knows more than a professor?

Besides, I read a lot of his articles and reviews

of those off-Broadway plays he wrote.

Pips, all of them.

And on top of that, the man's a square.

When he reviews a play,

he just doesn't make a bunch of wisecracks

like the rest of those bums.

He takes it serious.

That's true, isn't it?

What do you say? Do I get to see him?

Why don't you drop by Sunday morning?

You got yourself a deal!

So long, fellas.

Bye.

Bye.

Don't tell him the idea of it, huh?

Let it come as a surprise.

Lady, you scared the...

Daylights out of me.

Oh, come in.

It is Mrs. Greenfield, isn't it?

Oh, yes, indeedy.

I got my cab if you're going anyplace but Brooklyn.

How about eighth street?

My husband's lecturing

at the new drama workshop.

I won't even start my meter till you get down.

That's the kind of sport I am.

Deal.

Mrs. Greenfield, you may think I'm a beast,

but I really have to go right now.

You think you can manage?

Why certainly, dear.

I can tell just by looking at your boys

they'll be perfect gentlemen.

Into the bedroom, perfect gentlemen.

I want a few words with you.

This one's all right.

Just keep an eye on him when you let him out.

Coooo-kee.

Co-whooooooo-la!

I beg your pardon?

I saw the way you looked at her,

so don't try to kid me.

Listen, fellas, be my good and true friends.

Don't make a fuss about supper,

or your baths, or going to bed, ok?

Ok. ok.

And please, don't throw anything out of the windows

or down the John.

What if I feel spit-uppy?

What, are you expecting to?

No, but if I do,

I'm not supposed to throw anything down...

Oh, come on!

David, listen to me. Before you do anything,

think about what I would say, ok?

Gee, ma, you act as if

we were monsters or something.

Well, you are. You're just lucky

that I happen to be peculiar and love monsters.

Now give me a kiss.

Give me a kiss.

I'm just a kissless mother, that's all I am.

Mrs. Greenfield, the numbers where I can be reached

are on the desk.

The boys' supper is in the refrigerator.

I think that's everything.

Mrs. Mackay, do you mind my asking?

What's the problem with the little boy?

Adam?

When I saw the barred windows

and the locked pen,

my heart bled for you.

Is he backward?

Backward?

Mrs. Greenfield,

when you were 18 months old,

could you pick a lock, any lock?

Certainly not.

Well, Adam can.

Good night.

There are many theories about the drama--

that it should educate people or inspire them,

that it should reflect life or change it.

I believe it can do any of these,

provided it also entertains.

Because to my mind, the basic function of all theater,

from Greek drama to the circus,

is to entertain.

Bravo.

I'm sure we're all very grateful to professor Mackay--

or shall I say, ex-professor Mackay?

Since, as of today, he begins a new career

as one of the seven major drama critics

of the New York press.

Question, question, Mr. Mackay.

The major drama critics have a great influence on our theater

and great power.

You, yourself, as a part-time reviewer

have been a constructive and fair man.

Do you think you can stay fair

now that you're one of the holy seven?

[Laughter]

Well, to me, my job merely means

that I should be able to spend much more time

doing the one thing in the world I love most,

which is going to the theater.

But you won't be just any loving theatergoer.

You'll be one of the seven men who can close

any show in this town,

and I can guarantee you that as soon--

just a minute.

You guys go to a play hoping it's lousy.

It isn't what happens on stage that matters,

it's how clever you can be about trying to destroy it!

Well, I assure you that every opening night,

when the curtain goes up,

I shall hope to see something great.

But I shall be paid by my newspaper

to give my opinion.

So what else can I do except give it honestly?

That's what you say now!

Why should your opinion

mean more than anybody else's?

Who are you to judge?

Please, please.

Of all the nasty little...

Oh, they're young.

And it's difficult for them

getting started off in the theater.

Still, they do seem to have a certain hostility to critics.

I noticed.

Happy about tonight?

All lit up inside, you know?

There's something about getting to the top of your field,

even if it's only the bottom of the top.

And the fact that I'm starting with Alfred's show,

very, very gratifying.

You're pretty gratifying in that get-up.

Think so?

Very handsome. Very distinguished.

Thank you.

I may be starting a new legend tonight.

Mr. Mackay never seen at an opening night

without two suits of clothes.

I'll drop the stuff off at your apartment.

Oh, Joe, you're an angel.

Darling, this is Joe Positano.

He's a friend of mine.

Hi, mister--

[loud honking]

Watch out!

Oh, dear.

Oh, boy.

Sure got off to a flying start with him.

I have a feeling there's something

about you two that I should know.

Well, actually,

Joe's a friend of mother's.

Mm-hmm.

No, that's not the point.

Um, well...

He's written a play,

and he wants you to read it.

There, now you know.

Look how he looks--

wounded,

like a salmon caught on a hook.

What are you getting yourself

in an uproar for?

Look, there'll come a night

when you can't sleep.

You'll look around for something to read,

so instead of the Saturday review,

you read my play.

What's so terrible?

Ok, Joe, you got a deal.

To the theater.

Right!

What made me think Alfred could do a musical?

What made Alfred think he could do a musical?

He knows nothing about music.

His analyst said

it would bring gaiety into his life.

His analyst ought to see an analyst.

Honey, Alfred didn't make the show terrible

on purpose.

It seems that way when you look at it.

[Telephone rings]

Yes. All right, I won't be long.

That's the composing room. They're waiting.

Honey, look, Alfred is our best friend.

Maybe I should just hold onto that

and give the show a rave.

No, I can't do that.

I can't start off as the drama critic of this newspaper

by writing a dishonest review.

Alfred wouldn't want that.

Would he?

The first day I got the job,

he said, "Larry, all I'll ever ask of you

is the truth." Remember?

He said it just as he finished his fourth Martini.

I'm being ridiculous

because Alfred's a real pro.

He'll take this in his stride.

Oh, darling, of course he will.

Besides, you didn't say a mean word about anybody.

It's the kindest way

anyone ever didn't like a show.

Come on...

Let's drink our wine and forget it, huh?

What do you want?

Just a hand.

Oh.

Pete?

Yes, Mr. Mackay?

Oh, finished already?

Keep the wine coming.

We've had a darling day.

That's too bad.

Excuse me.

Honey, look.

Aren't they cute?

Mmm.

How much there is to say in the beginning, huh?

Not the first couple of times

I took you out.

Yes, Mr. Mackay. No, Mr. Mackay.

Well, I couldn't get over your being a professor, dear.

Remember how shocked I was the first time

you made a pass at me?

Of course, secretly, I was dying for you to make it.

But even so,

it just didn't seem dignified...

For a professor.

At least it started you talking.

Oh, that was big talk.

Life, death...

Who had the happiest childhood.

Who had the unhappiest...

For or against modern art,

psychoanalysis, large families.

Against.

Ha ha! By the way, how are the kids?

Impossible.

That's good.

[Que sera sera playing]

[Humming same tune]

Kate.

Yes, darling.

There's one more thing

I want to tell you about Alfred.

Oh, you are such a mood killer.

♪ Que sera sera ♪

♪ Whatever will be, will be ♪

♪ The future's not ours to see ♪

♪ Que sera sera ♪

♪ What will be, will be ♪

Let's go home.

[Kate humming que sera sera]

Oh, hi.

I'm not complaining.

I just wish

you'd fall asleep in my bed sometime.

I'm sorry, darling.

They wake each other up. That's the trouble.

Once the boys have their own rooms,

things are going to be so--

oh, Larry, today's the day!

What day?

The real estate lady's coming by to pick us up.

Now, don't forget, we're looking at houses.

That's great.

In the country, did you tell her?

Not the chic country, the plain country, huh?

Told her everything.

That the boys' rooms have to be in another county,

there has to be a little terrace

so that we can have breakfast alone.

Hey, there's a fair chance

that we can do that right now.

Just the two of us?

I can't remember what it's like.

[Dog moans]

Don't you suppose you could wait just once?

You think it's a chance worth taking?

I'll get dressed.

Maybe the boys will sleep awhile longer. Who knows?

Who knows? I know.

Come on, put the dish down.

Morning, dad.

Morning, dad.

Morning, gentlemen.

Where's the paper?

There on the table.

It's oatmeal again, dad.

Can't you talk to her about it?

You know what the moron said to his wife?

We'll discuss oatmeal at a later date.

And certainly I know what the moron said to his wife.

He said, "let's have breakfast alone."

That's just a silly whim.

What would we talk about?

Give me the cream.

Please.

All right.

Hey.

We can talk about hobo.

If he doesn't find some way of walking

in and out of elevators on his own four feet,

he'll have to go on a diet.

Kate, speaking of diets--

could we please have some real bread just once

instead of this no-calorie...

Darling, the stores are open to one and all.

If you want it, go out and buy it.

Ooh.

I'm sorry.

[Doorbell rings]

David, see who it is, dear.

[Tapping noise]

George, stop kicking the table with your foot.

I'm not kicking, I'm tapping.

Well, then stop tapping the table with your foot.

It isn't his foot, it's a fork!

Just one of the kitchen forks,

not a good one.

Will you stop doing anything?

You want us to stop eating?

Oh, for heaven's sake, now pick up--

look who's here! Come sit near me!

Hi, uncle Alfred!

Hi, uncle Alfred!

Want some oatmeal? It's good for you.

Morning, George, Gabriel, Adam.

Kate.

Morning, friend.

You're just in time for a cup of coffee.

I'm glad you--uh, came over, Alfred.

Now, that's a funny line.

I was going to call you up,

only I wanted to make sure you were up.

Do you imagine

I slept after this, this--betrayal?

Would you please have a cup of coffee?

Kate, if there's

some coffee that must be drunk,

for heaven's sake, drink it!

I would have given my soul to have liked your play.

I had to be honest, didn't I?

In print, no!

Not if 20 years' friendship

meant anything to you.

I'll be glad to discuss it with you

after you calm down.

All right.

That seems fair.

[Alfred] cokee-cola?

Am I calm enough now?

Alfred, before we say anything else,

I swear to you,

I sweated blood over that review,

and your friendship means a great deal to me.

Kid, if this was written by a friend,

I don't need any enemies.

"Whatever the theatrical season brings,

"this offering must be considered

its greatest disappointment."

That's friendly?

Oh, read the rest of it.

"Because it comes from Alfred North,

whose magnificent record includes..."

And then I go on to list your past glories.

By way of showing how low I've fallen.

Well, or course you're going to misinterpret

every word I wrote.

You mean, there's more than one way

to interpret this?

"Miss Deborah Vaughn,

"the star of this piece, is no actress.

"It seems unnecessarily cruel

to say anything more."

Charming.

If she'd been charming, I'd have said so!

Mom, what are they so mad about?

They're not mad, dear.

They're having a difference of opinion.

That's right, David. One of us thinks

the other of us is a louse.

Alfred, I think you better go.

I'll go when I'm good and ready.

I've every right to be here.

I'm the godfather of these kiddies,

their guardian

if anything happens to their dear old dad.

And that's not so farfetched,

dear old dad.

You're living pretty dangerously

these days.

I don't have to sit here and listen to this!

Kate, listen to me objectively.

You want me to take the kids to the park?

Look, Kate,

I am not being unreasonable.

I hate Larry!

Salad without dressing, rye toast without butter,

and black coffee.

It's crazy, isn't it,

when you consider

what a nice shape Mrs. Mackay got?

Hey, let's double-cross her.

Give her eggs Benedict, hash brown potatoes,

and, um, cheesecake.

She'll kill you.

Not till after she's eaten.

You're, um, Lawrence Mackay?

Yes.

I'm Deborah Vaughn.

Yes, I know.

Oh, good.

In that case, I'm sure you'll understand.

Get it?

Could I have one more just to be safe?

You bet your sweet life.

Larry, sit down.

We are not going to run and hide.

Will you stop looking so guilty?

I feel guilty.

Oh, that poor girl.

She never would have done that

if she hadn't

been terribly upset by my review.

Oh, now, wait a minute.

One slap, all right, she's upset.

But two slaps?

That photographer she brought

didn't get the first one.

Well, how do you like that?

I don't.

Next question.

Still burning?

I find I don't like having my face slapped.

I don't think I'm going to like

seeing pictures of it

spread all over the newspapers.

Honey, us broads own the world.

You can't hit back at her without being a cad.

I'm worse than that already.

I'm a first-string critic,

a sitting duck,

the man you love to hate.

If it's love you're looking for,

I think you're in the wrong racket.

I'll settle for honest hate

if that's what the job brings,

but a slap in the face for publicity

is not honest hate.

That's something you do

to some poor schnook who won't hit back.

I might as well serve notice right at the start.

Hit me at your own risk.

If they're going

to treat me like Jack the ripper,

I'm not going to respond like John the gent.

May I?

Miss Vaughn may have the last slap,

but I'm going to have the last laugh.

Eggs Benedict?

Good morning, Alice.

Are you decent?

Come on in.

Congratulations.

Yesterday was a slack day.

Nobody started a war or assassinated anybody.

There was nothing to put on the front page.

Nothing but you.

Well, sing hallelujah

like the song says.

Ooh, read me the words, Alfred.

With expression, please.

Well, there's a description of the battle itself,

biographies of the two contenders.

Yours mentioning that you're 29.

I have been.

Then there's a column headed "he who got slapped,"

signed Lawrence Mackay.

An apology?

"I am a mild man.

"I have been known to step aside

"to give a caterpillar right of way.

"I abhor physical violence,

"especially when it is directed at me.

"So, when miss Deborah Vaughn

"slapped my face at Sardi's yesterday,

"I abhorred it plenty.

"What unmentionable thing had I done

to merit such treatment?"

Oh.

"Well, in a recent review I said,

"that miss Vaughn is no actress.

That is a fact and not debatable."

This next is in capital letters.

Go ahead.

"She cannot act.

"Neither can she dance, sing, nor move scenery,

"all legitimate reasons for being on a stage.

"What she does do is wiggle her Fanny.

Now that is also..."

"This, too, justifies being on the stage.

"It depends, to be blunt, on the Fanny.

"When it is miss Vaughn's Fanny,

"she still has no reason

for being on the stage."

Why, the lying slob!

I'll match my Fanny

against any Fanny in America!

I want you to, and I'm not alone in that.

We've had a busy box office since that came out.

Well, well, and well!

Exactly.

I was going to close the show on Saturday,

but I can't now.

Not as long as the public insists

upon making up its own mind about your Fanny.

Here you are again, third week running.

This time they call you

ex-gentle, ex-genial,

ex-professor Lawrence Mackay.

They cut down trees for paper to print that?

[Telephone rings]

The desk of Lawrence Mackay.

Who's calling, please?

Mr. Perkins.

Your publisher?

Tell him I'll call him tomorrow.

Mr. Mackay will call you tomorrow.

He's busy editing a poison-pen column.

Are you writing a book on all this jazz?

No, I'm writing a book

called presentations of dramatic art.

Until all this jazz, nobody seemed to care.

Darling?

How is the most ravishing woman on 62nd street?

Angel!

It's my son-in-law, Lawrence Mackay, the critic,

the one who got slapped.

No, dear, she isn't here yet.

All right, sweetie, I'll tell her.

An absolute darling and brilliant.

Mrs. Robinson,

Jeremy seems depressed.

Jeremy resented being bathed,

and he's looking for sympathy.

Oh.

Just ignore it.

Oh, thank you.

Grandma!

Hi, grandma!

We've got a deal for you!

We'll explain it. Say you'll say yes!

Quiet, everybody, give grandma a chance.

Kate, when I want quiet, I'll ask for it.

Now, what is the deal?

George and I need a new turtle.

On account of ours got swept in the vacuum,

and Gabe needs a new angelfish.

On account of my own got et.

But on the allowance we get, we can't save enough money,

so we thought maybe you'd let us

pay for it by working.

Fair enough.

Here, first you can feed the fish.

Now divide that up.

Come on, Sonny boy, come on.

Oh-oh!

Ah! Did you see Hector?

There's your friend, sweetheart.

Hector, say hello to Adam.

[Bird talks]

[Adam] no-no?

Oh, he's learned a new word!

Making a grand total of two!

Mmm, my big boy.

Gabriel, don't get too close to that monkey.

He squirts.

When you were his age,

all you could say was daddy.

Shh, keep it quiet, will you?

Speaking of daddy...

Oh, Larry called.

He'll meet you at the party.

Who's giving this one?

Mona James.

The actress?

Mm-hmm.

It's only our fourth this week.

I'm rapidly turning into

a big, fat, soggy hors d'oeuvre.

Hey, what's with this mutt anyway?

I had to park a block away.

You think he'd walk? Not on your life.

He's very badly trained, Joe.

Now don't look at me.

He's Larry's dog.

Well, he's with you more.

Oh, I can't win.

Listen, mother.

Joe will take me to the party

and come back and drive

you and the boys to the apartment, ok?

All right. Have a nice time.

Boys, come into my office.

Front and center.

Listen, grandma's doing me

a big favor by taking care of you, so--

aw, she likes it.

Never mind, "she likes it."

Just don't make it a night to remember.

Ok. Ok.

Don't forget to have the doorman

take hobo out.

Where's hobo?

Hobo!

Hobo. Hobo.

Adam!

Hobo, where are you?

Daddy?

Of course, there are interesting failures,

there are prestige failures,

and there are financial failures,

but this is the sort of failure

that gives failures a bad name.

Ha ha ha ha!

Oh, Mona.

Oh, Kate! Kate, darling.

I want you to meet Jane march.

How do you do?

Mr. Mackay,

I've been longing to meet you.

She writes plays.

Kate, sometimes I loathe the theater.

The lying, the buttering.

If I had a simple life

like yours, Kate, with those wonderful kids.

How many are there by now, darling?

I lose track,

you're at it so often.

Just four.

The girls are twins, aren't they?

The girls? Yes, Lana and...

George, darling! You need a drink!

Oh, angel, I must go and host.

George, I'm so glad to see you.

[Playing piano]

Hello there.

Hello.

I've been watching you, hoping you'd come over.

You have?

Mm-hmm.

You don't belong in this room full of spooks.

Shh.

You're young, alive, beautiful.

Oh, come on.

What are you, uh, doing later?

Thanks anyway, Sonny.

No dice?

Not a one.

In that case, would you mind moving

and giving somebody else a chance?

It's a pleasure.

Good luck.

Thanks.

I bet you thought I'd forgotten you.

Darling, it isn't gin I need.

It's a nice thick, juicy steak with French fried potatoes.

You do have a show to cover, you know?

There you are, you darling man.

I was terrified you'd gone

without telling me

what to do with my third act.

Have you met my wife?

How do you do? You will

let me have him for a moment,

won't you, dear?

He's going to tell me

what to do with my third act.

Go ahead, honey.

Tell her what to do with her third act.

Now then, darling, I have a problem.

Excuse me.

Oh!

Hello. Would you please get up off of me?

For heaven's sake.

Mona?

Will you put this out for me, darling.

Mona? Mona?

Yes, dear.

I think your dog ate one of my earrings.

Oh, it's so small.

I don't think it will do her any harm.

Be my guest, chum.

Larry, darling,

someone here to see you.

[Music stops]

Dear Mr. Mackay, don't be frightened.

I have come not to slap,

but to forgive.

[Crowd reacts]

I insist on turning the other cheek.

All right.

[Crowd laughs and applauds]

Now that the smoke of battle has cleared,

may I ask a question?

Are you flexible enough to reconsider

a perhaps hastily formed opinion?

I think so. I hope so.

Good.

I was wrong.

Thank you.

Alfred.

What are you doing in here?

Reading about

the mad Mackays in the columns.

Cocktail parties left and right,

among those seen at El Morocco.

A far cry from the simple souls

I once knew.

I'll bet Larry's loving this whole megillah.

Now, why shouldn't he love it?

You know how shy and unpushy

he's always been.

Why shouldn't he enjoy a little flurry?

Little flurry?

Listen, Kate, your own true love

has set his foot

on the first step of the downalator.

The what?

Opposite number of the escalator,

the downalator.

The one that leads to the place

where all bad critics go.

For a critic,

that first step is his first printed joke.

People laugh.

A whole new world opens up.

He makes another joke, and another.

Then one day, along comes a joke

that shouldn't be made

because the show he's reviewing

is a good show,

but the joke happens to be a good joke.

And you know what?

The joke wins.

That will never happen to Larry.

I don't know.

It seems to me he's beginning

to find himself a very amusing little fellow.

Alfred, you're just being a stinker.

That's right. And I shall go on being a stinker

until I've evened up the score.

Excuse me, please.

Honey, if we don't go,

we'll miss the first act.

That might be a blessing for all concerned,

especially the playwright.

Ha ha ha ha!

Who's your money on,

grandma or the monsters?

[Western playing on television]

[Turns television off]

What happened?

The good guy just shot the bad guy.

Oh, that's nice.

Uh, did you hold the taxi?

Yeah, Joe.

He's waiting,

and he's making big talk

about buying you a pizza.

Oh, then I'd better get my coat.

Thank you, dear.

Isn't it time you made some big talk

about reading Joe's play?

Tomorrow. I'll give it all morning.

Were the boys much trouble?

Not a bit. You're the only one who can't handle them.

You're so right.

Thanks, honey. I'll call you tomorrow.

Come on, grandma.

I'll ride you down the elevator.

I'll ride myself down in the elevator.

You'd better go see what's ailing your wife.

Any time Kate won't pick a fight with me,

something's wrong.

Night, dear.

It tickles.

That's a fine romantic reaction.

I'd better take a look at the boys.

Hey, hey,

suppose you take a look at this boy.

Why do you always get embarrassed

when you're angry with me?

Uh-huh.

Then you are angry.

I'm confused.

So, say it.

I love you.

Ha, well, that's just fine

because I love you.

Not exactly a tragic situation, is it?

I mean, we're not star-crossed lovers

separated by feuding families, are we?

We're home in our own room.

For once in their lives,

all our children seem to be asleep.

We're even married.

So what's the problem, huh?

Darling, did you slam the play tonight

just to be funny, or did you really hate it?

I hated it. Didn't you?

Yes, but that's not the point.

Did you make up your mind in advance

that you weren't going to like it?

Of course not. Why?

Because of what you said at the party.

What was that?

That it would be a kindness to miss the first act.

Cocktail party talk, that's all.

You know, people standing around, I was on.

Look at me, ma, I'm the town wit.

Honest?

Of course, honest.

Oh, Kate, is that

what's been bothering you all night?

I just don't want you on that downalator, that's all.

The what?

Never mind.

Forget it.

Mmm, boy.

It's a terrible thing when a man discovers

that the mother of his children is an idiot.

I imagine I shall be quite upset when I think about it,

a few hours from now.

I'm thirsty.

Any of your brothers awake?

Sure, all of them.

We chose who would come and get you.

I won.

We could ignore them.

You know and I know that's a no-no.

See you around sometime.

Brought you some coffee.

[Babbling]

Hi, kid.

Oooooo-k.

Getting a little stir-crazy?

I'll let you out.

Daddy.

Did he say daddy?

To you?

Yesterday, he said it to hobo.

He's getting warmer, at least.

After all, I'm human.

I'm daddy. Let's get this clear.

I'm daddy. Daddy? Daddy?

Cut it out, will you, blabbermouth?

You want to prejudice my case?

Big help you are.

Sheesh.

Could you at least give me a clue

how you like it?

Joe, what made you choose a biblical setting?

You got something against the Bible?

No, why did you set your play in Jerusalem

when what you know about is New York?

Every writer, particularly an inexperienced one,

should stick in his own backyard.

Well, I took lots of writing courses

at NYU nights.

Nobody said there was a rule about it.

There's no easier way to look ridiculous

than by trying to handle something you don't know about.

I'll give you an example.

Here's father Abraham ordering a sacrificial lamb.

"I'll have a small sheep and make it quick, boy."

Sounds like some guy in Lindy's

ordering a hot pastrami sandwich.

You weren't trying to be funny, were you?

No, I wasn't trying to be funny.

Believe me, you'd have the audience

rolling in the aisles with that.

There's a couple more up front.

Never mind.

You had your laugh for the day.

Now, just a minute.

If you're going to be a pro, you can't be sensitive.

I can't? Why not?

What did you do, pass another rule?

Who do you think you are,

Moses handing down the commandments?

I may not be Moses,

I'm the man you asked to read your play.

Oh, no, you're not.

You're another fellow altogether.

I wouldn't give you two cents

for his opinion.

Or anyone else's!

You're like every hysterical writer in the world.

All you want is praise, praise, and more praise!

Be my guest, you're a genius.

Boy, writers.

Mr. Mackay?

You want Mr. Mackay, take Mr. Mackay

and wear him in good health!

Writers, they're all alike,

whining hot-house plants!

[Telephone rings]

Dig up Chaucer, dig up homer--

what do you find?

You find a guy just like that. Hello!

Oh, Mr. Perkins. What's the problem?

Well--how do you do?

Well, that makes the publication date

awfully close, doesn't it?

Oh, you do, huh?

Big splash?

Ha ha! Yes, I guess

I am a little better-known now.

Yes, yes, I agree.

We should have much more bite than we...

Hey, what are you doing?

Measuring.

9 feet.

Measuring?

I'll call you back.

Who are you two, anyway?

I'm Justin withers

from the rental office

which handles this building.

And this is miss Smith...

81 inches.

Who's taken a year's lease on the apartment.

On this apartment? But I live here

with my wife and my four little boys.

Not three weeks from tomorrow.

Your wife informed us months ago

that you didn't care to renew.

52.

Poor Mr. Mackay. Had you forgotten?

Let's take a look at the bedroom.

Miss Smith, we can't possibly

find a place to move to, not in three weeks.

Couldn't you stay where you are for just a little while?

Why should I?

As a favor, obviously,

one human being to another.

Why should I do you a favor?

I don't know you from Adam.

Daddy?

Daddy?

What's with him-- queer?

He's confused, like I am.

Miss Smith... Mr. Mackay...

I'm tired.

I don't like

being awake in the daytime.

I know you're in a spot,

but it's your spot.

Let's take a look at that bedroom.

No, no, I'm sorry.

I can play tough, too, you know.

I'm still the legal tenant, and your being here at all

constitutes an invasion of privacy.

Not when it says in your lease

that the apartment may be shown

between 10:00 and 4:00

without notice.

I don't play tough, buster.

Excuse me.

Wow. Boy. That's a scary one.

I've been terrified all morning.

What does she mean, she doesn't like being awake in the daytime?

What is she, a vampire bat?

[Miss smith] Mr. Withers?

Hey! Look, dad, new shoes!

I got loafers!

Settle down, everybody.

Boy, have I had it.

They can go barefoot till they're in college.

Whew.

My poor feet, oh.

Oh, I just saw Joe

pulling away looking rather grim.

What's ailing him?

Never mind about him.

Something terrible's ailing us.

There's a strange lady in the bedroom.

Oh, David, there is not.

Oh, yes, there is.

There's also a strange man,

but it's the lady what's terrible.

She's the new tenant.

In exactly

three weeks and one day,

she's moving in here.

She's got a lot of nerve.

The beds aren't even made.

Larry, why would you let...

Three weeks and one day?

Oh, Larry!

Oh, Kate!

Why haven't you been looking,

for heaven's sake?

Because every time

I made a date to look, you canceled, for heaven's sake.

I didn't want to find a house by myself.

It would be like getting married by myself.

We'll just have to ask her for more time, that's all.

I've asked her.

I don't think she likes men.

Then I'll ask her.

I don't like women any better.

I don't want to be a squealer,

but the boys are jumping on the beds.

Mr. Withers. Maybe you have another apartment,

preferably a larger one?

Perhaps on park or fifth?

No, not even a smaller one.

Nothing. poor Mr. Mackay.

And poor Mrs. Mackay.

Now, why did you ask him about an apartment?

You know we don't want an apartment. We want a house.

And we don't want it on fifth or park,

we want it in the country.

We always have.

Well, it's just that...

What?

Well, I've been thinking about this.

It seems to me...

You've been thinking without even telling me?

I do have the right to think, don't I?

I know, but we haven't even thought about

a new lampshade without discussing it.

I'm discussing this right now!

At least, I'm trying to.

Ok. Go ahead.

Discuss.

Ok.

It's just that,

in the past few months,

things have changed a little.

What's changed?

A girl slapped you at Sardi's.

You got a little publicity.

Now we go to the kind of parties

we used to hate.

That's all that's changed.

Not quite all.

My publisher thinks my book

may become a best-seller.

I've had scores of offers

to write articles

for what are known as class magazines.

And I've been invited

to appear on a television show...

Hey, guess what? I did a double-back somersault!

Mazel tov.

Whose guest last week was

an ex-president of the United States.

Mazel tov to you.

Larry, what has that got to do

with our moving to the country?

I like living in the city now!

I like being part of the theater.

I like being wanted and accepted

by the people who count,

by important people.

Names.

The kind you used to run from.

Maybe I was afraid they'd run,

so I ran first!

Is this what you've wanted all along,

to be a name?

If you mean to accomplish things,

to have your opinions count...

To have your jokes quoted?

To have a sense of importance,

you bet that's what I want!

Is there more virtue in being a nonentity?

Is that why you're trying to keep me one?

Always needling, belittling,

carping at every good thing

that happens to me?

Will you stop jumping on those beds!

[Toy plays music]

Daddy?

Would you like a cup of coffee?

I'd love one.

Can we jump just once more if we're careful?

We want to make a pyramid.

Yes, of course, Davey.

It's ok! Come on! It's ok!

I'm really not

trying to cut you down,

and I'm so proud of you.

I always have been.

Oh, darling, I know.

We both said things we didn't mean.

[Crash from other room]

Don't go.

If they broke any important bones,

they'll yell.

Oh, darling,

I didn't mean to be so selfish.

Of course it's fun for you,

being lion-hunted.

Of course you want to stay in the middle of it.

But it could be fun for you, too,

meeting interesting people,

making new friends.

Darling, interesting people don't want

to make friends with housewives.

You shouldn't call yourself a housewife.

You're so much more than that.

So's every other housewife.

Anyway, what matters right now is you.

You are becoming a very important man.

I act as if it were an inconvenience.

Nagging you,

grizzling about what I want.

I can't just ignore what you want.

Well, you should. It's all I deserve.

Let's not go overboard.

Well, I wasn't being completely selfish.

I think the country

would be marvelous for the boys.

Him, poor thing,

he's never even seen

a tree without a railing around it.

I honestly did think about you, darling,

really I did.

I don't know how you work in this apartment

with all of us on top of you every minute.

I could work at the office.

No.

The nicest part about being married

to a writing-type fella

is that he's around a lot.

There I go, being selfish again.

Your work has to come first.

We all live on it.

Parasites, that's what we are,

all of us.

Kate?

You're using what are known

as feminine wiles on me.

You've never done that before.

Larry!

And you have absolutely no talent for it.

If you want to go

to the country badly enough

to put on this perfectly nauseating act,

ok, we go.

Aaaahhhhh!

What sort of a house we're going to find

in three weeks, with very little money,

four small boys, and one large dog,

I just don't know.

[Eerie version of there's no place like home playing]

How do you like it, huh?

It's like out of Ivanhoe.

It's much older than that.

How come it's so big?

Because we couldn't afford

anything smaller.

Come on, let's take a look around.

Come on.

[Crash]

Oh!

[Ribbit]

[Whimpering]

[Children's voices]

Here I am, about to start a long life as a commuter.

Oh, listen to the kids out there.

They're having a ball.

I don't hear any happy sounds bubbling out of him.

Hey, Adam, say something, huh?

Cokee-cola.

Oh, great. Probably take a whole year

to work him up to daddy again.

Say daddy, daddy.

Don't you worry about Adam.

He'll be just fine.

The worst is over.

Honey, sit down a minute, will you?

Let's talk before you go.

Ok, for just a minute.

I'll give him some soup and cornflakes

and get him down.

How about you, Maggie?

Do you think the worst is over?

It hasn't even begun.

Come on, smiley.

Cheer up.

I'll let you scatter some cornflakes.

[Woman] yoo-hoo!

[Boy] go right on in.

Mom and dad are in the living room.

Thank you.

[Door closes]

I'm afraid we're the welcome to Hooton committee.

Your children showed us in.

Oh, please come in.

We're such a mess around here.

I'm Kate Mackay.

This is my husband, Larry.

We know all about you.

How do you do? I'm Mrs. Hunter.

This is Dr. Sprouk.

How do you do?

How do you do, Mrs. Mackay?

This is Dr. McQuarry, Mrs. Mackay and Mr. Mackay.

Well, we just wanted to say hello and bring these.

And to put the bite on Mr. Mackay.

Excuse me, are you a lady or a man?

George!

I'm a veterinarian, Sonny.

It's, uh, somewhere in between.

Ha ha.

That's very interesting.

George, would you please

take those out to Maggie?

Gabe, you go with George.

You, too, David.

Didn't even open my mouth.

Boy, she's not getting any more kisses

out of me in a hurry.

Aren't they cute?

Won't you

please come in and sit down?

We don't want to take up any of your time, but...

You wanted to ask Larry...

Oh, yes. For some help

with our local dramatic society

called, unfortunately,

the hoot 'n' holler players.

Yes, isn't it?

We're starting work our annual show,

which involves a lot of homegrown talent

and a worthy cause.

Now to get to the pitch.

We need your help.

I see. Well, I'll give you my wife.

She just loves to join things.

How nice.

We'd be delighted to have her, but...

But what we really need is a brand-new play.

We thought with your contacts...

Oh, I see. Well, I'm afraid...

How about a musical based on

the first two books of the old testament?

We'd like a musical,

but the old testament?

What's the matter?

You got something against the Bible? Ha ha!

Uh--uh, uh, uh...

Larry, hobo has to go out, right now.

Yes, dear. Come, hobo, dear.

[Dog whimpers]

[Dr. Mcquarry] He's very amusing.

[Kate] I laugh almost all the time.

[Meow]

[Whining]

This house is turning that dog into a nervous wreck!

Here are some tranquilizers.

Give him two a day. He won't care where he is.

Save a couple for me, honey.

Well, I think we'd better be going.

We're probably

the dreadful end of a dreadful day.

Oh, we loved it.

Well, I hope you can persuade Mr. Mackay

to find something for us.

I'll do my best.

Good-bye, Mr. Mackay.

I, uh, read your reviews.

Oh?

Mmm...

Yes.

Good-bye.

Good-bye.

It wouldn't have killed you to find them a play.

Amateurs bore me.

You find them a play.

Don't worry. I intend to.

Well, that's just fine.

Now, if you'll excuse me,

I have to go and play with the grown-up people.

You know what he did with those daisies?

He ate them.

What?

He ate them?

You didn't tell me not to.

Anyway, I didn't eat them all.

They were full of ants.

Oh, George!

Fastidious, ain't he?

What's so funny? I don't know what to do for him

or to him.

Let nature take its course.

Go on, George,

have some soup and wash it down.

Right away, now.

Larry, you'll be late for your opening.

You mustn't do that.

How would people know

what to think tomorrow?

I'm glad you said that.

I was just beginning to feel guilty about leaving.

Good night.

[Door slams]

The first time he goes off alone,

and you have to make sure he goes off mad.

I know,

but he keeps making those snide little cracks.

And what do you expect when you drag a man

70 miles from where he wants to be?

I dragged him?

Mother, it wasn't just my idea

to move to the country.

We've only planned it for 10 long years.

Besides, he needs

to get away from New York,

and right now, for his own good.

Don't worry. He'll love it,

and he'll love this house, too.

I'm going to

make this place so beautiful,

he'll have to love it.

I wouldn't push him too far.

Just let him stop hating it.

Deborah Vaughn, a no-actress type.

Oh.

I, uh, thought you might be ill.

No, I was just sleepy.

It was good of you not to give me a hot foot

while you had the chance.

We made up, remember?

That was in public, remember?

Let's do it again,

in private.

There,

friends at last.

Pals.

Chums.

Mm-hmm.

You know something, chum?

That slap I slapped you

did you a world of good.

You're much more attractive

since you turned into a louse.

I'm utterly impervious to flattery.

Still, I might buy you a cup of coffee

without loss of principle. Pete?

Where's, uh, madame?

Alfred tells me

you're never without her.

That doesn't mean I'm on a leash.

Come, come,

you're talking to mother.

Yes, Mr. Mackay?

Oh, Pete.

Bring some coffee and another wine glass, please.

Anything else you'd like?

Just a little careless chatter.

How's-a the missus?

Oh, she's fine.

And-a the four boys?

They're fine, too.

So's the dog.

Oh, that's-a good.

They're all fine.

That's nice.

I'm catching a train at 1:10.

I'm sorry. I thought you were just settling in.

A train to where?

Hooton, on the Hudson.

We moved in there this morning,

because I'm so lucky.

Well, well, well.

Isn't that interesting?

I never saw the leash yet

that could stretch from Hooton to here.

Are you driving at something?

Naturally.

I'm thinking of going...

On the make for you.

Shock technique. Effective, isn't it?

It's staggering, but why?

The usual.

I like the way you look.

Since when?

Does it have to be retroactive?

Oh, no, chum,

if you think I'm kidding,

you're wrong.

Embarrassed?

Why?

I like my wife.

What's that got to do with this?

Don't tell me you've got morals!

Well,

that's that.

Go to sleep. I won't bother you.

[Moaning]

[Yelping]

What's the matter, old man?

What is it?

Ok, he's up!

Hurry up, dad, get dressed!

[Chattering]

Shh!

[Whispering]

Larry, you'll have to pick me up a timetable

on your way to school.

I have a timetable, mother.

Good morning, darling.

Fellas, stop pestering daddy.

You can go on outside and play,

but keep clean.

You poor baby.

What happened?

What do you mean, what happened?

What do you mean

what do I mean what happened?

He's shaking again. What happened?

What do you mean?

Let's not start that again.

Better give him another tranquilizer.

How come you were so late last night?

I fell asleep at Pete's.

Then I ran into Deborah Vaughn.

Ewwwww. come on, hobo.

She's a funny girl.

Know what she said?

Oh, no. You're going to take this pill.

What'd she say?

Maybe it just sounded funny.

Take--

all right,

if that's the way you want to act,

help yourself, buddy.

You'd better get dressed or we'll be late.

Oh, before I forget,

your publisher called, and they want

four chapters by next week for the illustrator.

But I'm nowhere near ready!

Well, the minute we get back, you can get to work.

Study's messy, but quiet.

Where are we going?

Darling, school.

We start the boys this morning,

and they want both parents there the first day.

Full family participation. You know, the whole bit.

Mothers, fathers, uncles, aunts.

[Moaning]

Maggie, where's the baby?

[Moaning]

Psst, stop it.

I got a itch.

The second grade is normal for George and Gabriel,

but in the fifth, the average age is 10.

David is only 9.

Well, in New York,

they seemed to think he was quite bright.

[Kate] David.

What's the matter?

Yeah, what's the matter?

Miss Bounty,

George and Gabriel will go to miss Johnson's room.

David goes to Mrs. Von Olson.

In New York, we didn't have any homework.

Ha ha ha. Well, now you know.

All right, kids, on your way now,

with our best wishes.

Come on, boys.

Good luck, fellas.

Be good boys.

Bye.

Will you sit down for a moment, please?

Oh, yes, of course.

It is our policy to draw school and home

closer together,

therefore, we ask our parents

to volunteer for at least one school activity.

Will it be convenient for you to supervise

an after-school play hour on Thursdays from 3:00 to 4:30?

Oh, yes, perfectly convenient.

Good.

Now, as to you, Mr. Mackay...

No, I'm sorry.

I don't think I'm going to volunteer.

Mr. Mackay is very busy right now.

Oh, no, it's not that.

I just don't agree with the policy.

Shall I go on?

Please do.

In my opinion, the main purpose

of elementary schooling

is to keep the children

out of the parents' hair

and vice versa.

Those hours

when the kids are away at school

have for generations been sacred

to American parents.

That is when they are free.

I don't have

the faintest intention

of giving up that freedom.

Furthermore...

Then he said it was moral blackmail,

and he wouldn't buy it.

Boy, what a fine first impression we're making.

I'd like to gag him...

Kate!

Kate!

Yes, dear?

Kate, you've got to make them stop!

Make who stop what?

[Loud hammering from upstairs]

The carpenters?

Can't they work in some other part of the house today?

Yes, they can, but you'll want it quiet tomorrow, too.

Dear, the plumber's here.

Where do you want him to start?

Tell him I'll be there in a minute.

Get him a hammer while he's waiting!

[Telephone rings]

[Ring]

[Ring]

[Ringing]

Yes!

It's your darling Dr. McQuarry.

Good morning, Dr. McQuarry.

Oh, yes. Yes, I'd love to be involved.

Well, I can paint scenery or make costumes

or whatever you need.

Oh, yes, I did some acting in college,

not very much.

As a matter of fact, I wasn't too bad.

Anyway, I'd love to try out.

Oh, the play.

You keep me out of this.

I'm neither a playwright, an agent,

nor a club woman!

Dr. McQuarry, I don't think that will be necessary.

You see, I have my own contacts in theater.

Suppose I see what I can do, and I'll call you later?

All right?

Oh, you're very sweet.

Bye-bye.

You're very sweet, too.

I'm sorry.

I'm just panicked about work, that's all.

I'm sorry.

Well, look,

this place

is going to be bedlam, U.S.A.,

for at least another week.

It has to be.

So I have an idea.

Why don't you go away?

Like where?

Like a big, luxurious hotel

in New York.

A little silence and room service.

Hmm?

You can live like a king,

work like a dog,

and come home to house beautiful

and no carpenters. What do you think?

It sounds wonderful, but isn't it running out on you?

Well, if you won't get mad,

I'll tell you a secret.

I'd pay someone

to remove you from these premises.

I'm being a pain, huh?

Oh! The worst.

Really.

It's not that I don't love you,

but when does the next train leave?

Mother's going into town,

and I have to go to Macy's,

so you go pack a bag,

and I'll drive us all in and myself back.

How's that?

As I said, it's not that I don't love you, but bye.

Operator?

Operator, I'm calling Murray hill 3-9970,

New York City.

Are you out of your mind,

sending him off alone?

Are you sure you have thought this out?

Alfred North, please.

Well...

Mrs. Mackay calling.

Are you sure

you shouldn't review it?

I don't know you

as well as I did when you were a child,

but you were

one of the dumbest children I ever met.

A girl's best friend is her mother.

Hello? Alfred?

How are you, dear?

Good.

Alfred, I have a favor to ask of you.

Yes, I'm looking for a play.

A new play for the...

Kate, if I had anything good,

I'd do it myself.

Why don't you ask your husband?

Well, he may be neither an agent,

a playwright, nor a club woman,

but he certainly...

Hold on a second.

Martha!

Martha, I want you to think back,

way back to when

we first started producing.

Larry Mackay sent us a play, remember?

Hmm...

So passion dies,

a tragedy by Lawrence Mackay.

Sure, we still have a bunch of copies.

They're in the drop-dead file.

Get 'em.

Kate, I may have something for you.

Really? What kind of something?

Oh, all right.

Surprise me, then.

Well, if you like it, I like it.

Now, listen, Alfred, there's one problem.

They want to start rehearsals right away,

so I'll have to get hold of it fast.

Well, I'm coming into town today.

Look, if you're coming in anyway,

how about a drink at the colony?

Macy's?

I've found it, Mrs. Mackay.

This one looks like you.

Ooh, that's pretty.

Can't you see this in a sea-foam green room

with an alabaster bowl on a dark coffee table?

And for accent, one shining red apple.

Oh, yes, I can see that.

Course, if the kids ate the apple,

all we'd have

is an alabaster bowl with an apple core.

Well, you could get a marble apple.

They'd eat that, too.

Now I just have to make up my mind here.

I think it's one of these two, definitely.

Oh, Alfred,

which of these two fabrics

do you like best?

I hate them both.

Oh, so do I.

Oh, hey, mister!

Mister. Look at this.

Oh, I have to have it!

Oh, please.

I couldn't describe it.

The minute I saw it, I knew it was...

I'll measure off what you need,

and charge and send it.

It's been a pleasure, Mrs. Mackay.

Thank you.

He's just afraid I'll change my mind,

the coward.

Oh, Alfred, the play!

Oh, you're a dear.

What's that?

Ghostly music by Irving O'Reilly.

Oh, that sounds marvelous.

You know, or course, there's only one performance

to make money for the Hooton hospital.

One performance may be enough.

Say, Kate,

Larry's such

a tearer-downer these days.

Don't let him read this.

He won't even be around.

Say, why don't you come down to garbage disposals with me?

All right.

Larry's living here at the Plaza

till the house is ready.

Alfred, why don't you call him?

It's time you two made up.

Not quite yet.

Why not skip garbage disposals

and have a drink with me?

Haven't you heard?

I'm no longer a member of the cocktail party set.

I'm the lady in Hooton with a rich, full life.

Down, please.

Next car, please.

Down, please.

Oh, it's just wonderful.

And it isn't just getting a house ready

and then the boys settled,

it's much more than that.

It's putting down roots in a community,

making a niche for us.

You know?

From now on, the Mackays

are really going to belong somewhere.

While you're living

the rich, full life in Hooton,

what's Larry doing at the Plaza?

Oh, I sent him there.

Matter of fact, I ordered him there.

It's the smartest thing I ever did.

Hooton, New York, 346.

Hello, Maggie, is Mrs. Mackay

at the pta, the garden club, the dramatic society?

I am in none of those places.

I am in your study mixing paint.

You can hang up now, Maggie.

Well, now, that's a silly question.

I'm mixing paint

because I didn't like the paint

the idiot painters mixed, see?

How are you, darling?

You didn't?

Three chapters in one week?

Well, that's marvelous!

Oh, I'm proud of you.

Hmm?

You what?

I said I miss you.

What do you mean, when did that happen?

It happened when I typed the last word

in the third chapter.

Don't argue about it.

Just pop on the 11:30 and come right down

and have lunch with me at Sardi's.

That's my good girl.

Sweetheart, come on.

Give mommy her shoes.

That's a good boy.

Cokeee!

No, darling.

Mommy's just going to go into New York

and have lunch with daddy.

And I'll be right back, ok?

Ok?

Ok.

Mrs. Mackay!

Mrs. Mackay!

The upholsterers are here.

Open up the material from Macy's

and show it to them, Maggie!

I'll be right there!

Come on, my big boy. Ooh!

Hobo? Come on.

Hobo!

How do you like that new material, mag?

I always have.

What do you mean?

I knew I liked it the minute I saw it.

Maybe you can take it back.

No, no, I wouldn't dare.

Well, we'll cover the chairs with it,

the club chairs.

Ok.

Oh, for heaven's sake.

It was that idiot salesman.

He unnerved me.

Him and his alabaster apple.

Ok, lady,

that'll be about 10 days on these.

Three days!

Oh, no.

Oh, please?

Five days.

Ok, take it away, pushover.

[Telephone rings]

Thanks.

Hello?

This is she speaking.

What?

I'll be right there.

They want me at school.

It's one of the boys.

What is it?

Control yourself, Mrs. Mackay.

It's very simple to saw it off.

Oh, no. I'm sorry, miss yule,

I've just never told him

not to put a chair on his head.

May I have that?

All right, clever, brace yourself.

Hey!

Shut up, stupid.

Want some crackers

or something just to nibble on,

you shouldn't get plastered?

No.

Stood up?

No.

You always have a Martini

and an old fashioned for lunch?

My wife.

She probably missed her train.

Or maybe somebody told her that we, um...

Ran into each other last week.

I did.

It didn't worry her at all.

Bless her stupid little heart.

There's nothing I like better

than an understanding wife.

And she's turned you loose for a while,

I hear from Alfred "grapevine" North.

You know, I wish you'd cut this out.

Why should "it" bother you

if I don't bother you?

You don't.

You're a liar.

You just make me nervous, that's all.

That'll do nicely for the time being.

You can relax now. I'm leaving.

I have a performance to give.

You've been giving one.

Just a warm-up for a cold critic.

I'm not cold,

I'm just not available.

Don't be silly, sweetie.

Everyone's available who isn't dead.

[Telephone ringing]

Hello?

Oh, hello, Kate.

No, it's perfectly all right.

It doesn't matter.

I just thought perhaps you might have called up

to say you've changed your mind.

What? Which one?

George? Is he all right?

Got his head caught in what?

Well, as long as his brains are intact

and you promise to come and have dinner with me,

I'll forgive you.

Oh, skip it, skip it.

Skip the rehearsal.

Now, look, darling, honestly, I can't.

But, Larry, I'm playing the lead.

If I don't show up, there's no rehearsal.

David, stop it. Stop it.

Oh, don't make me feel bad.

Will you call me tomorrow...

Early?

Because I love you, that's why, you dope.

Hey! Hey!

Kate?

Kate.

Maggie?

Maggie?

Boys?

[Whistles loudly]

Operator, uh, I know this sounds silly,

but do you know where

the Hooton dramatic society rehearse?

Oh, oh, that's-- would you put me...

How do you know there's nobody there?

Oh, you're in the play.

I see.

Uh, well, would you put me through

to the Hooton primary school, please?

[Telephone rings]

Yeah?

Yeah, this is school.

Huh?

It closes 3:00, school.

No, there isn't nobody here but me,

and I gotta go home now.

Ok, form your lines now.

Nice and straight.

Girls here. Boys here.

Two and two, nice and straight.

Get your partners.

Gabe, honey, give me the uke.

Now straight, nice and straight.

That's a boy.

♪ After the first April showers ♪

♪ Flowers appear everywhere ♪

♪ And as they bloom, their fragrant perfumes ♪

♪ Tell us that spring's in the air ♪

♪ Please, please, don't eat the daisies ♪

[children sing along]

♪ Don't eat the daisies ♪

♪ Please, please ♪

♪ Here am I waitin' and anticipatin' ♪

♪ The kisses that I'll get from you ♪

♪ Please, please ♪

♪ Don't eat the daisies ♪

♪ Don't eat the daisies ♪

♪ Please, please ♪

♪ I'm so romantic, but I'm gettin' frantic ♪

♪ Wonderin' what you're gonna do ♪

♪ Do you love me? ♪

♪ Do you love me? ♪

♪ Do you love me not? ♪

♪ Love me not? ♪

♪ That's what I'm longin' to know ♪

♪ Do you love me? ♪

♪ Do you love me? ♪

♪ Love me a lot? ♪

♪ You'll prove it by lettin' the daisies grow ♪

♪ Oh, please, please, don't eat the daisies ♪

♪ Don't eat the daisies ♪

♪ Please, please ♪

♪ Supposin' it showers ♪

♪ While you're eatin' flowers ♪

♪ The hours will be wasted away ♪

♪ Please don't eat the daisies today ♪

♪ Don't eat the daisies ♪

♪ Don't eat the daisies ♪

♪ Don't eat the daisies ♪

♪ Don't eat the daisies ♪

♪ Don't eat the daisies ♪

[softly] ♪ don't eat the daisies ♪

[car approaches]

Ridiculous waste of time...

Thank you. Thank you very much.

Hi!

Hi, daddy!

Are you gonna stay?

When did you get here?

What happened to your suit?

What a marvelous surprise!

Don't you have an opening tonight?

Say hi to daddy.

I got here long ago,

when the century was young.

And I had to climb in through a window,

which accounts for my suit!

And it was a wonderful surprise for me, too,

spending the whole afternoon

with a telephone book, trying to find my wife!

And, yes, I do have an opening tonight,

to which I'm going right now!

Perhaps someday,

when you have nothing better to do,

you might try to explain just where you've been all day!

Thank you. Thank you very much!

Ooh!

I was having a rendezvous

with rock Hudson!

Me, David, George,

Gabriel, Adam, and hobo.

All of us!

Hi.

Hi, darling.

How did rehearsal go?

Fine.

Larry call?

No. He's mad. He won't call.

Why don't you call him?

Oh.

What's the matter?

10 years of not dancing.

Too much bone in my bones.

How did I get older than you?

No character, that's why.

Guess who's on television?

Daddy.

Daddy?

You children are double-crossing me.

I try to bring together impossible interviews.

Enemies, feuders...

Our feuding days are over.

Yes, like in the movies.

Hate has turned to love.

Well, let's say it's turned to friendship.

Hmm. My friend is a cautious man

with an unnatural fear

of coffee houses and guitars.

That's a private joke.

Ha ha ha ha.

Very funny.

We can see him any time.

I want to see Frankenstein.

Is there a difference?

Sneaking out with that two-bit... Vamp.

Sneaking out, on a TV screen?

He's been seeing her off that screen.

"Just happened to run into Deborah."

Well, as long as he tells you about it.

Oh, sure.

If an honest truck driver cheats on his wife,

he's polite enough to keep it to himself.

Eggheads, the diploma boys,

they tell you everything.

That way,

if you're jealous, you're wrong.

Kate, listen to me.

Oh, mother, please don't give me that

you-made-him-move bit.

I have no intention of beating a dead horse.

If you mean me, thanks.

Kate Robinson, you stop being so fresh.

I'm sorry.

Now, up to now I don't think

anything has happened between Larry

and that nasty-looking girl.

She is nasty-looking,

isn't she?

But if you go on neglecting him,

something will happen.

Did you see the dress she had on?

Falsies.

He doesn't know it.

I hope.

Did you see her make-up?

Her hair?

Mother, what am I supposed to do?

Wear a black lace negligee

to the supermarket?

No, that is not what you're supposed to do.

I'll tell you what you're supposed to do.

You pull yourself together. Get this house in order.

Get on the phone, call Larry, tell him you miss him,

you love him, and you want him to come home.

I will not.

I have been married to Larry Mackay

for over 10 years, and if I have to start

playing tricks to keep him...

What do you mean, tricks? Don't you miss him?

Don't you love him?

Don't you want him to come home?

[Playing slow jazz number]

This is a strange place

for you to choose.

It's a place, like all the others,

full of strangers.

Ooh, you really do have the blues.

What's the matter? Do you want to say?

Just sad.

Been adding up my life.

It should add up very well.

You're awfully successful.

That's what I wanted--

rake in the loot.

Let Helen Hayes

have the theaters named after her.

All of a sudden, it doesn't seem enough.

I go to the theater. I work.

I sit over a drink or a cup of coffee

'cause I don't want to go home,

and then I go home,

and there's nothing there.

I'm alone.

By choice, of course, but...

Well...

We don't always like what we've chosen.

You know, it's funny,

I always think of you

at big, gay, noisy parties

surrounded by big, gay, noisy people.

Good act, isn't it?

So's this one.

Sad music, guitars,

the dark coffee house,

beautiful woman, glamorous, successful,

and lonely, lonely, lonely.

Ho, ho, ho, Deborah.

Well, this one isn't polished yet.

I mean, it's the first time I've tried it!

And it almost got you. Admit, almost.

Way back in the section where you went home

and there was nobody there.

Oh. I think I'll try a whole new tact next time.

Why don't you meet me say, uh, Friday,

just to see what I can come up with, huh?

No, I think I'll go up to Hooton instead.

Run, sheep, run.

And live to fight another day.

Oh, she'll kill herself!

Why?

You're not supposed to be here till 7:00.

Oh. Hey!

Darned if it isn't house beautiful.

And Maggie beautiful.

Mmm.

Wait till you see your study.

Yeah?

Well, well, well.

You know what she got you?

An electric pencil sharpener.

There'll be boiled lobster for dinner.

She hates boiled lobster.

I know.

There's something missing--

like the patter of lots of feet,

not to mention the click

of hobo's toenails.

Where is everyone?

[Wolf whistle]

It's beautiful.

Isn't it pretty?

Really beautiful.

The missus sent hobo and the boys

home with grandma.

She thought it was about time

that you had a weekend alone,

the both of you.

Aw. Where is she, Maggie?

At a rehearsal.

Don't get excited, Mr. Mackay.

It was supposed to be tonight,

but she told them unless they switched to the afternoon

and she was finished by 7:00, she wouldn't be there.

So how's about it?

I'll get the ice out, make you a drink,

and you look around.

No, thank you, Maggie.

I think I'll drop in at the rehearsal.

Oh, that'll be nice.

Where is it?

You go down the road,

and you turn right at the big elm.

You can't miss the high school.

[Orchestra playing intro to upbeat number]

♪ Love has its highs ♪

♪ Love has its lows ♪

♪ Love has its highs and lows ♪

♪ And ins and outs and ups and downs ♪

♪ Love's like a joyride ♪

♪ On a merry-go-round ♪

♪ Boo boo boo ♪

♪ Merry-go-round ♪

♪ Merry-go-round ♪

♪ Ups downs, ins outs ♪

♪ Highs, lows, anyway the wind blows ♪

♪ Anyway the wind blows ♪

♪ Goes love ♪

♪ Goes love ♪

♪ Sometimes it's hot ♪

♪ Sometimes it's cold ♪

♪ But if it's hot or cold ♪

♪ You learn to burn and then you freeze ♪

♪ Love's like a circus ♪

♪ Ooh-ooh ♪

♪ And you're on a trapeze ♪

♪ On a trapeze ♪

♪ On a trapeze ♪

♪ On a trapeze ♪

♪ Ups, downs, ins, outs ♪

♪ Highs, lows, anyway the wind blows ♪

♪ Anyway the wind blows ♪

♪ Goes love ♪

♪ Goes love ♪

♪ Da da da da ♪

♪ Da da da da ♪

♪ Da da da da da da da da da da ♪

♪ Da da da da ♪

♪ Love's like a circus ♪

♪ And you're on a trapeze ♪

♪ On a trapeze ♪

♪ On a trapeze ♪

♪ On a trapeze ♪

♪ Ups, downs, ins, outs ♪

♪ Highs, lows, anyway the wind blows ♪

♪ Anyway the wind blows ♪

♪ Goes love ♪

♪ Goes love ♪

♪ Goes love ♪

♪ Goes love ♪

[woman] applause!

Continue.

Drinks for everybody!

Yay!

On Narisa.

That's wonderful.

Enjoy yourselves.

Oh, Norman, is it...

Norman?

Dr. McQuarry?

Dr. McQuarry?

I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

I should be drummed out of the company.

Forgive me, Kate.

My boys confirmation class

was packed with young devils today.

Wait till my David's old enough.

Then you'll really have trouble.

Norman!

Norman, is it really you?

Yes, Narisa, it is I.

But what are you doing here?

This is such a surprise.

A happy surprise, Narisa?

Tell me that it is a happy surprise.

Oh, Norman.

I have dreamed so many times of our meeting again,

but not like this.

Not in this evil place.

What matter where?

I have found you.

No, Norman.

I have changed.

Not to me.

Between the girl I was

and the woman I am

stretch too many days, my dear...

Too many nights.

I care nothing for your yesterdays,

so long as your tomorrows

belong to me.

Stop that!

What do you think you're doing?

Larry.

It's just make believe, Mr. Mackay.

How dare you give them this play

without asking my permission?

Your permission?

We have Irving O'Reilly's permission.

Who's he?

What's he got to do with my play?

Your play?

Larry, you've never written a play.

Yes, I have, and this is it!

Here it is in black and white--

ghostly music by Irving O'Reilly.

Can't you see this is a new title page

just tacked on?

Kate, the title of this play is...

So passion dies.

I wrote it when I was in college.

And I want to know how you got it!

I got it...

You got it from Alfred North!

That dirty, double-cross...

He said he was going to pay me back,

but to trick you into joining him.

You are mixing me up. How does our doing it

pay you back if your name isn't even on it?

Isn't it possible he meant it as a nice surprise?

It is not possible, Dr. McQuarry.

This is a trap,

and I don't intend to fall into it.

I'm sorry. I cannot give you permission

to do this play.

The performance is next Friday night.

It's a benefit for a hospital.

And we're sold out.

Oh, you're wrong about Mr. North.

Why, he sold 78 tickets for us,

and to important people, too--

actors, writers, directors.

Friends of yours, probably.

Aha!

There it is! Now do you get it?

And do you think Alfred North's

not going to tell these friends of mine

whose play they're going to see!

If you'll forgive a colloquialism, so what?

It's a very bad play, Dr. McQuarry,

though maybe you haven't noticed.

I noticed. We all did.

Fortunately, it was so bad, it was funny.

And Dr. Sprouk wrote us some lovely songs.

And Dr. McQuarry rewrote the play

and turned it into a comedy.

That's funny already!

I'm pleased the two doctors

are so talented!

Now they can sit down

and write you a new play

because you're not going to doing this one!

Oh, Mr. Mackay.

[Everyone speaking at once]

Wait a minute. Please!

I know how you feel.

I'm as miserable as you are, believe me,

but you can't just leave them like this.

You don't know what it means to these people.

They've worked their heads off.

They've given of their time,

they've neglected their businesses.

It's terribly important to them.

We can't do this to them, Larry.

What do you mean we can't? I can.

I'm not going to look like an idiot

just to prevent a lot of people

I don't know or care about

from a rather silly disappointment.

Larry, what's happened to you?

Other people's feelings

used to be important to you

before you got so important.

Well, let me tell you something.

The bigger you're getting,

the smaller you're getting.

This is hardly the time or the place

for a critical analysis of my character.

If you want to talk...

It won't take long.

It's not much of a character.

Oh?

You're getting to be a mean man, Larry,

almost as mean as your reviews.

I think Alfred was right.

It might do you some good

if people did laugh at you.

They're not going to have the chance.

It's still my play.

I haven't given you permission to do it.

And you have every right to take it back.

Well, you go ahead.

But if you do, I'll never forgive you.

If you cared anything about me,

you couldn't say that.

I care a great deal about you,

and I do say it.

I wouldn't dream of coming between

you and the hoot 'n' holler players.

Such as it is, the play is yours.

A kid at school says there's hugging

and kissing in that show.

Mom and the minister.

I don't think that's nice for a married lady.

Well, it's just for one performance, fellas.

Oh, and how I wish it weren't tonight.

What does that clock say, mag? 6:15?

Yes, ma'am.

Well, better get going.

Do you need any help?

No, I have everything at the auditorium.

I'll come in before I leave.

Right. All right now, fellas, clean up that stew,

and there'll be chocolate cake for everyone.

Oh, boy! Hey, can hobo have some?

No. He's liable to get worms.

He might like 'em.

Ha ha.

Yeah.

[Doorbell rings]

Hi, Katy.

Oh, Alfred.

He calls the boys every day

and doesn't even ask for me.

If he feels this way now,

how will he feel

when everyone's laughing at him?

No one's going to laugh at him.

He beat everyone to the punch, Kate--

reviewed the show himself,

and he's come out smelling like a Rose.

But we haven't even done it yet.

He only saw

five minutes of the rehearsal.

He says that's all he needed,

that the Hooton players are charming,

particularly their leading lady.

I wish I were dead.

But they're wasting their time on a 20-year-old play

written by a man with no talent for writing plays,

namely himself.

"It was rejected by every Broadway producer

"in terms so outraged

"that I determined never to write another one,

"thus saving myself

years of futile effort and frustration."

Here comes the cherry on the banana split.

"I have been under attack of late

"by my near and dear

"for what they consider my cruelty as a critic.

"But this glimpse of my past monstrosity

"has made me so grateful to those I once thought cruel

"that I shall go on yelling tripe

whenever tripe is served."

Well, we certainly taught him a lesson.

This whole nonsensical thing

is costing me

everything important in my life.

Do you think he'll come to the performance?

"Tonight,

"when the curtain rises on so passion dies,

"I shall be far, far away.

"And, dear reader,

may I wish you the same good fortune."

What's the matter with everybody?

Something bugging you, Mr. Mackay?

Gus, have you ever

been in a situation where you're right

and everybody else is wrong,

but you just can't get them to see it?

Every day of my life.

My wife, my kids, the busboys, everybody.

Better eat your steak before it cools off.

You can get awful lonesome being right.

Thank you.

Hello. I've been trying to locate you all day.

Finally I called the pet shop.

Joe, why didn't you tell me it was you?

Come on in.

Hey, I'm pleased to see you!

Sit down.

Let me get you a drink.

I'm just going to stay a minute.

I figured I owed you an apology.

What for?

For what I've been thinking about you

since the day you made fun of my play.

Then I read the column you wrote about your play,

and I saw I was wrong.

You see, it's sort of hard for me giving up writing.

Ever since I was a kid...

What do you mean?

You mean, you stopped writing

because of something I said?

Oh, sure.

You see, where I was off

was blaming you instead of blaming myself

for not having talent.

Actually, you were doing me a favor...

Joe, you're crazy! You do have talent!

Are you kidding?

Remember me?

I'm the genius who made Abraham

sound like the guy ordering a pastrami sandwich.

Don't you understand?

You didn't give me a chance to explain.

You flew off the handle just--

[doorbell rings]

Sit right there.

I want to talk to you.

I hate people who drop in

without calling, don't you?

Well, don't let me overexcite you.

Please come in.

I just came by to tell you your column was wonderful.

Hello.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Miss Deborah Vaughn, Joe Positano.

How do you do, miss Vaughn?

Joe was a very talented writer

till I convinced him he should stop writing.

Oh, he's kidding.

That was some column,

wasn't it?

Mmm.

"I shall yell tripe whenever tripe is served."

Wow.

That's a declaration of war, chum.

From now on,

whenever you walk into a theater,

they're going to shiver and shake.

I don't want anyone to shiver and shake.

I love the theater.

This boy doesn't read his own reviews.

Even I'll admit...

Thank you.

Since you've turned mean,

people started taking a more lively interest in you.

I've never turned mean. Nobody thinks I'm mean.

Except my wife.

Well, she can't always be wrong.

[Doorbell rings]

I'll get it.

Stay there. I want to talk to both of you.

But I haven't had supper yet.

Eat mine!

I guess you thought

I was up in Hooton seeing the show.

I told Kate she was wrong not to withdraw it.

I washed my hands-- for heaven's sake, Joe.

Good evening, Mrs. Robinson.

Mrs. Robinson, miss Deborah Vaughn.

Miss Suzie is my mother-in-law.

How do you do?

I didn't get here first. Joe did.

As long as you don't leave last.

Uh, Larry, I have something to tell you.

Would you excuse us, please?

Come on, sit down.

Kate just called me.

That's why I came over. She was blubbering.

Oh, no.

Oh, yes, she was.

Poor baby. I must call her.

No, no! That's exactly what you mustn't do!

Larry, don't go near that girl

until she calls you

and apologizes.

I don't want her to be unhappy.

I love her.

Loving her is one thing.

Letting her think she's intelligent is another,

and look where it's got you--

into a house you don't want

and a lot of ridiculous interference in your career.

Well, she's good and scared now.

That's the way you keep her,

right under your thumb.

Do you think I ought to make her say,

heil, Larry,

first thing every morning?

Wouldn't do a bit of harm.

You've turned into a strong man

in the past few months.

Don't stop. I'm proud of you.

I'm proud of me, too.

It's just wonderful

to have everybody scared of me.

One clever word from me,

and a new writing talent gives up.

If I really play my cards right,

they may not

even bother to open plays anymore.

That's how scary I am.

And to make my own wife crawl,

that would be the final triumph.

It's intoxicating, all this power!

Oh, darling,

you're exaggerating because you're upset.

I should be.

If it's a play, you've got

I'm looking for one.

Oh, I got one, but it's lousy.

I may like it.

I have terrible taste.

We're going up, sir.

I was just coming home.

Oh, Larry.

Were you?

Pardon me.

Pardon me, please.

It was my fault, everything.

No, don't you say that. It was not.

And anyway, now it doesn't...

Matter?

11 out. Down, please.

How was the play?

They liked it.

Honey, we'll sell the house.

No, I love it. I love the house.

Darling, I'll be so different.

No!

I beg your pardon!

[Hobo barking]

[Splash]