Original subtitles

A LESSON IN LOVE

A comedy for adults by Ingmar Bergman

This comedy might have been a tragedy.

But, it turned out alright.

Neither the author, nor actresses are the teachers of this lesson,

rather life itself with its absurd twists and turns.

You can witness this lesson in love with an indulgent smile

as it is elementary

and you have long since passed that stage.

Have you not?

You're a wretch.

You're spoilt, brutal and cynical.

Call yourself a gynaecologist? You've never understood a woman.

If I had the energy, I'd laugh at all of this.

You're so terribly naive.

So, you don't want to marry me? God, what a storm.

- It's the angels weeping. - The boy has a conscience.

Maybe. Sorrow and pangs of conscience are Siamese twins.

I can continue being your lover. Please don't thank me the whole time!

- So, it's definitely over? - Yes. Thanks for what's been.

Shall I shout?

I agree my retreat is inelegant but I'm no passionate superman.

I'm just a tired, bored man with a headache.

- Could it be more sad? - You're getting old.

That's true. I am a little old, a little old...

...a little old.

Return to your forgiving wife's forgiving embrace.

She's sure to be waiting on the shelf for you to dust her off.

The dear old pipe!

Nurse, show Mrs Verin out and bring in the next patient.

- Out! - At once, nurse.

Goodbye, David.

I do feel sorry for you.

He that always sees women from odd angles, ends up a little peculiar.

By the way, where's my front door key?

You're sublime. You bore!

Next.

Next!

Good day.

I have a terrible problem, doctor, that's keeping me awake.

I must talk to you, as you cheered up my husband that time.

I have such confidence in you. Gosh, look how it's raining!

My husband and I are considering re-marrying.

After 10 years together and two children,

we divorced when I met a young man

who gave me bliss, you understand.

He was young and was about to go into the army,

then my husband came back...

Yes, of course... Excuse me, excuse me...

I have a life and death case.

You have three patients waiting.

My life and my death!

Doctor, what shall I do?

A piece of advice. The conjugal bed is love's demise.

- Gosh, doctor you are... - No, I'm not, not at all! Goodbye!

- I thought the doctor was really... - Is that so?

If I wasn't a Christian woman, I'd say damnation!

Sam, don't you ever have problems with women?

- Not since I killed my fiancée. - I didn't mean that.

Then your father, the old professor, operated on my head.

It was a bolo...

- A lobotomy. - Perhaps that was it.

I'm grateful to him. I only run amok twice a year.

Then that's all I do. I don't even eat or drink.

How practical.

It's the storm.

There should be something even so.

I'm going to take a nap, I'm tired.

And a little old...

A little, little old...

The first time she visited me was in spring.

She seemed nervous,

but in a way that also made me nervous.

Your symptoms don't seem particularly alarming, Mrs Verin.

But we'll examine you anyway, to be on the safe side.

- Get undressed behind the screen. - Do you think I'm beautiful?

- How old are you? - Why do you ask?

- I need to know for my records. - I was born in '32.

- 21 and already married? - Do you regret that fact?

- Get undressed and stop chattering. - You have such beautiful hands.

- Kind of you to say so. - And a terribly sweet neck.

- Really? - How is it seeing women undress?

- It's no fun, I can assure you. - I'm so afraid.

- You will be kind to me? - Stop talking and get undressed.

- I have a confession to make. - You've got a confession?

- Yes. You mustn't get angry. - That depends.

- Then I dare not say. - OK, I won't get angry.

There's nothing wrong with me... I just said so.

I wanted to meet you.

- Meet me... Why the...? - I love you, Dr Erneman.

I see... that's very kind of you.

My dear, Mrs Verin...

- I don't know what to say. - I saw you every day last summer.

- In the country. You didn't see me. - I was working.

You worked, bent over your desk every day until half past three.

Then you had tea with three buttered biscuits.

Then you had a swim, every day in any weather.

- You saw all that? - I was already in love with you.

- Of course... - I fantasised about you.

- I'm just a little girl... - You're married.

- That bloody bore! - Please go. I don't have the energy.

- Don't send me away. - I have to. For several reasons.

- Do you love your wife? - Yes, and it's not your business.

Go away now.

- You don't love her. - Mrs Verin... You're very sweet.

One could almost say attractive. I'm touched by your attentions.

What man wouldn't be? But I'm at least as big a bore as your husband.

I have certain principles with regard to marriage and fidelity.

- And so on... - It's lovely when you scold me.

I have an extremely attractive wife whom I have loved sincerely for...

let's see, 15... 16 years in October.

I've never been unfaithful.

What was the name of the beautiful woman who moored at your jetty?

- That was a friend of my wife's. - Really?

Is that why you tried to kiss her in the moonlight

after your wife had retired?

- I cried the whole night! - No tears here, please!

You will kiss me now, and then I'll leave.

- I haven't any desire to kiss you. - What a liar you are.

You have an overwhelming desire to kiss me and that's not all...

This is completely preposterous, my young lady!

- I protest most strongly! - You sound like a UN representative.

- I'm fighting for my life. - Am I so dangerous?

If I had an adventure with you, Mrs Verin,

a terrible chain reaction would follow

from a moment's thoughtlessness.

Nobody need know.

I prefer my simple life with its vexations and petty joys.

I prefer my slippers and the amiably indifferent log fire,

compared to your perfumed body.

An entirely different kind of fire.

Which is parlous and smothers all we call home, children, and decency.

And which leads to absolutely nothing...

Go, Susanne, go and leave me in peace.

- You love me. - No, I don't love you.

But I want to touch you, let your fire erase my torpor and boredom.

Let you dissemble the refuse of the grey that's settled on my brain.

Which I can't be bothered to remove.

Was that banal, stupid, silly and ridiculous?

Don't talk any more, just kiss me.

No, no, no... It's my unassailable right to be a bore.

I realise my earlier attempts ended in disaster. I don't want to.

- Think of it as fun instead! - Of course I think it's fun!

I'm mad with desire, who would disagree?

I'm still waiting.

I've refused a brilliant offer. Should I be ashamed?

- My wife has for 15 years... - 16 in October.

She's unfaithful to you. Fidelity only exists as long you're faithful.

Infidelity is the invention of moralists and gossips.

If I'm going to be unfaithful,

it must be without remorse or conscience.

If it goes to hell, you're the best companion.

Men need reasons for everything, even for jumping into bed.

Don't you think I saw you last summer?

I saw you every day.

I carried the smell of you,

I dreamt of you at night,

I reached out for you.

- You were like summer itself. - He's becoming a poet...

Isn't it ridiculous?

You have three patients waiting.

I don't think man was created first, it was woman, of course.

On a Saturday morning.

In sunshine. He was in high spirits.

Woman was created from earth with eternity in her nostrils.

But she got mad on a Saturday night with no one to go out with.

Then God created man, just after dinner and in the middle of a yawn.

He used the same form, but a man's for company so he wasn't fussy.

- What about the rib? - Perhaps it slipped further down?

- Perhaps our Lord is a woman? - Women, Sam...

They are life itself with all its delights and trickery.

There you have it... It makes you confused and gives you a headache.

- It's the glands boiling over. - Yes, it's good.

Susanne was strong... strong from...

- Who? - No one at all. I'm just talking.

That summer with Susanne.

In the end you forget the bitterness and wounding words.

It's the delicate memories that remain. Yes, what a summer...

The water feels lukewarm. Let's bathe.

- We already have. - Of course, I forgot.

I see one, two, three... four stars.

- Are you tired? - Yes. And you?

- Me too. - We've sailed, fished, bathed.

- Slept, eaten, argued. - Fought.

- You did. We've celebrated summer. - What a summer...

- Yes... Now I'm satiated. - Not me. I'm insatiable.

- Man can't just vegetate. - You can't just vegetate.

- No. I want to do some research too. - It's of such small importance.

- A banal and interesting pattern. - What pattern?

- Hunger, eating, satisfaction. - And then?

Tedium...

- You're bored of me. - I didn't mean it like that.

Yes, it was exactly that you meant.

- Don't try and wriggle out of it. - And you?

The more I relax, the lazier I become.

So you're tired of me?

I can be so bored of you I could spit.

But you're under my skin... in my fingertips.

- You throb behind my temples. - I'm a kind of poison.

Call it what you like. Why do you always take my pipe? Give it here.

You've spat in it.

- I could cut your throat. - I'll show you how to so it's quick.

I'll have your head on my desk with a lamp behind the eyes.

- Here comes a boat. - Are you in a hurry?

- Not really... - Then you can swim!

- Bye! - That blasted lout!

- Do you know him? - Know him? He was my husband.

- That's our train. - Will we make it?

- I mean alive. - Me too. Next stop Mjölby!

Carry out precisely what's on this list.

Then meet me at Havnegade in Copenhagen at 1:00am. But sober!

- Obviously. - It's not so obvious... Goodbye.

Passengers for the 14:45 express to Malmö,

please board now.

Close the doors.

Please board now. Close the doors.

- Is this seat occupied? - It's free.

Would you mind if I sat here? I don't like the draught.

By all means.

Very kind of you.

It's awful weather.

Yes, it's raining.

I often go by car, but it's being serviced.

Really? That's too bad.

On the contrary, the train's more fun. You can meet nice people...

And lovely ladies...

That's a devil of a black book - probably this modern literature.

- You could say that. - May I ask what it's called?

"Introductory Study of Arterial Circulation in the Uterus

"and the Secondary Sex Glands including Disorders."

- Does it have... pictures? - Yes, but no entertaining ones.

Do any of you gentlemen have a light?

- This always works... - Thanks.

What a woman! What bearing, what a walk, what a bust and so on...

- She doesn't seem disinterested. - In what?

In me. I know women. She's going to Copenhagen.

- Really? - Why not try for a little adventure?

- Perhaps. - Unless someone gets there first.

- You can try! - I will. I'll go into the corridor.

- You won't be upset at being alone? - On the contrary.

Shall I bet you a fiver that I kiss her before Tranås?

- You're on. - So long.

Tickets, please.

TO DAD FROM PELLE. I TOOK IT MYSELF.

TO DAD FROM NIX ON MY 15TH BIRTHDAY.

My wife and children had a summer place near Helsingborg.

I was on my way to see them. I had plenty of time and drove slowly.

Suddenly I saw Nix and Tax.

- Nix! Are you out in this wind? - Hello, Dad!

- Hop in and I'll drive you. - You can drive me part of the way.

Tax... I almost forgot you.

- Where shall I take you? - To town. Thanks.

Hey, Nix... shall we go and have a chocolate with whipped cream?

Or a big ice cream. Do you have time?

- I always have time for you. - Have you?

Come and have some water, Tax.

Can you operate on a woman and make her a man?

- I don't think so. - It said you could in the papers.

- That's remarkable. - I'd like to be operated on.

- You? - I'm tired of being a woman.

- How sad. - Just look at Mum.

- Is she so unhappy? - To be dependent on a man.

- You mean financially? - You know very well what I mean.

Poor Tax, my only friend in the world and you're already tired.

- And we've still got far to go. - Far to go? What do you mean?

- It's none of your business. - Sit up so I can talk to you.

- Tell me what you're up to. - Tax and I have gone on our way.

Gone? From home? What do you mean?

It's simple, I can't stand the atmosphere there.

- Weren't you having a nice time? - Nice time!

Don't be so edgy, Nix. Father and daughter should be able to talk.

- Have you seen my hands, Dad? - You have lovely working hands.

I must do something with them, mould something.

I can't just read magazines and think of love.

You know my best friend, Eva...

Was that why you left? You're not the only one with problems.

Language exists so that we can communicate.

Try to see me as a fellow being, despite my being your father.

- You wouldn't understand anyway. - Why not?

You're too naive.

Yes... I know my world is extremely limited.

I'm sorry if I hurt you.

I've got an idea, Jaqueline. We'll spend the day together.

- You haven't got the time. - I'll make it. Know what we'll do?

- No. - We'll go to Uncle Axel's pottery.

It's so nice to see you here. You should come more often. Cheers!

- Cheers, Nix. - Nix?

Are you and Mum going to get a divorce?

- I don't know, Nix. - Mum's so nervous.

It's not healthy for a mature woman to live without a man.

It's all so disgusting! I pity all women.

- Is that why you left? - It's love that's so disgusting.

So hopelessly stupid. I never want to love anyone. No man, anyway...

You know Eva, my best friend? We've always stuck together.

We've really stuck together.

She was coming for the summer and I was happy.

We were going to swim and build a tree-house.

She came a while ago and had already changed.

She'd become a silly lady that paints her mouth and wears curlers.

At the beach she swanned around swinging her behind

in a bathing suit that was too tight.

She looked crazy with her big behind!

Then everything I said we should do she thought silly.

She was exactly like a completely different girl!

Then she fell in love with a fool I wouldn't sneeze at.

- When Mum was in Copenhagen... - Sorry, Nix. Is she often there?

Several times a week. Eva wanted to be alone with him so they could kiss.

Then later she told me everything they'd been doing. It's disgusting!

- So you couldn't stand it any more? - I hate Eva, Mum and this love-play.

They act like cows or hens or I don't know...

You mean that Mum also has what you call "love-play"?

Yes, of course...

- Do you know who she's seeing? - Yes. He's quite nice and harmless.

- He sometimes has dinner with us. - Who is it?

- Carl-Adam, of course. - You mean, Carl-Adam?

- Nothing peculiar about Carl-Adam. - The sculptor? From Copenhagen?

- Well, I'll be damned! - What of it?

I see...

It's natural Mum should have a lover when you have one.

- You don't say, Nix. - My, you seem shocked!

- So you want to live your own life? - You have to be alone.

However you hurry to be alone, you discover you're many other people.

- That's awful, I think. - It's not so awful.

Life at its best seems to be a collaboration.

But love is idiotic.

Neither love nor eroticism is idiotic.

But to practise eroticism is an occupation for baboons.

- And you're a baboon. - Huh! Yes... Maybe so.

Do you despise yourself, Dad?

Yes, Nix. I despise myself.

I think everything is infinitely inconsequential.

You think it's inconsequential what happens to Mum, Pelle and me, too.

No, not any more. It's the only thing I care about.

We're closing the boutique. Stina is waiting with dinner.

- I'd like to stay here. - It's already been arranged.

You can be an apprentice here and stay with your aunt and uncle.

- You can also stay. - I haven't got time.

- Is Susanne beautiful? - She's very beautiful.

We'll sit here the whole night until sunrise. Shall we?

- If you like. - I can't sleep when the moon shines.

Nix? Are you cold?

Did you hear me, Nix?

I understand you're travelling to Copenhagen?

That's correct.

Do you often travel to Copenhagen?

- It depends. - Perhaps you work there?

- I'm just enjoying myself. - There are many nice people there.

- It's hot. Shall we open a window? - Of course.

- I have something in my eye. - That's awful.

I'm a doctor, perhaps I can help you. Let's see...

- There. There somewhere... - There?

- You really have a delicate hand. - I'm known for my delicate touch.

Look, here it is. You're fine now, aren't you?

I've often wondered over the immense power a gynaecologist has

over our hearts and confidence.

Isn't it difficult to keep patients at bay?

- You can lose your head. - Isn't it hard to be without one?

Sometimes it's restful.

Does your wife also think it restful?

She takes the opportunity to lose her own head.

- What an ideal marriage. - Marriages sometimes need a blow.

- Otherwise they die. - Does your wife feel the same?

- I don't think so either. - The conjugal bed is love's demise.

- So terribly banal. - But true.

Are you sure your wife is always so keen to feel like a wife?

- All women love being married. - What naivety...

You're the third. The third to call me naive within a short time.

You are very naive not to see that a woman does not want

to feel like a wife, but like a woman.

- And how does that work? - That's what a man must determine.

- A full-time job for millionaires. - A hobby... for men

- Shall we close it? - Now I'm not a man.

- My dear doctor. Have I hurt you? - I know the arguments.

A man never grows up, doesn't bear children, but plays with guns.

Apart from reproduction, a man is a negligible factor

in the woman's world.

- Now you're really grumpy. - Not at all.

You're very beautiful, extremely witty,

a sterling representative of your sex.

I admit my inferiority without rancour, I can only stammer that I...

I love you. I've always loved you. I will always love you...

Stop right there.

Don't think it will be easier for you than for the salesman you bet with.

Easy money, as I know your virtue is as intractable as Mount Everest.

What do you know of my virtue? Women are by nature not virtuous.

You men concocted the immaculate conception together with Our Lord.

And virginity, virtue, chastity and innocence. No!

It's not amen at all.

A man can be as lewd as he like

and he's a "jack the lad" in your stupid men's language.

But if a woman has sap in her body

and the desire to use it, she's a whore.

- Could I have a cigarette? - I only have my pipe.

- I'll go to the restaurant car. - Allow me, I'll be back soon.

I expect you would like Turkish, as usual?

- I see, you remember that? - Not only that, my beloved wife.

Madam, I apologise for my behaviour. You are a lady, I am a lout.

If you wish to resume our dialogue, I am in the next compartment.

- So, you're still on the train? - Yes.

It was best to leave the field. The lady in there is a lady.

I'm not so sure. Shall we bet on it?

No, thanks.

You misunderstand me.

We'll say 10 crowns I kiss the lady before Älmhult.

- You? - That's right. Well?

Alright.

- I'll buy matches as well. - Don't lose weight running around.

- A pleasure, madam. - When did you become courteous?

It's my beautiful day today.

No, it's not that simple. You think the fruit will fall into your hands.

In that case, it will be quite a sour apple, I can assure you.

There are a few things I don't forget so easily.

- Are you being unfaithful, David? - What's that?

You heard very well.

- Our marriage was harmonious. - Too harmonious.

- It's died of rude health. - You're playing with words.

I'm just describing us. Happiness is a paralysing dough over the everyday.

You defend yourself, but finally you suffocate in it.

Sometimes I want to slap you. You talk like a spoilt child.

- You made terrible accusations. - David...

If you're honest with me, everything might work out.

But if you lie and avoid the issue, there's nothing left to do.

I refuse to be interrogated. I have nothing to reproach myself for.

Please go home. Ask your informers to shut up in the name of hygiene.

It's late and we're both tired. Shall we have a bite to eat?

- I'm sorry, Marianne, I've no time. - I see, you have no time.

BOOK ROOM. HOTEL HAVSVIK. SATURDAY, SUNDAY.

Tomorrow, then? Can't we go somewhere over the weekend?

I'm going to Uppsala for a conference Professor Franzén holds every month.

- You know that. - Oh, yes. Professor Franzén.

You look tired and upset, my friend.

Yes.

I can't afford to work as I'd like. Can't afford it, no time...

- Nothing. - David?

If only you didn't lie to me, it would be easier for both of us.

Go away before I lose my temper.

I am able to maintain equilibrium in most situations, but there are...

There are limits.

You should have your glasses fixed. One of the arms is coming off.

I'm sorry, one moment... Really?

Excuse me...

DR ERNEMAN AND WIFE

Excuse me a moment.

- Help me. - Hey, hello!

What are you doing? Come back here!

Come in!

You required tea, madam, sir? Good morning!

You don't look merciful. Shall we quarrel?

I must admit, I'm irritated over your sudden trip to Copenhagen.

Am I not at liberty to use the State Railway?

You're spying on me.

I want you back, that's the illness.

Too late.

There are infinite reasons to go on.

There are infinite reasons to terminate this parody of a marriage.

Carl-Adam of all people?

I see it vexes you. And your vanity.

You accuse me of naivety. But what is Carl-Adam?

The adult man is rare, dear David.

So a woman chooses the child that best suits her.

- A child with genitals? - Shame on you!

Besides, Carl-Adam has changed these last few years. Yes!

And he's been very kind to me in this difficult time.

- And now you're going to marry? - Maybe we will.

Good God. Carl-Adam will be the father of my children.

- He'll be better than you've been. - That notorious boozer.

He hasn't had a drop since we met this spring.

- Lord in heaven. Oh, Lord! - First seating for dinner.

- Oh, Lord. - Stop it.

- There's nothing to add. - Give me another chance.

No.

You're naive, immature, egocentric,

malicious, fickle and thoughtless.

You are incompetent at marriage.

You are spoilt, lazy and gullible.

- I'm not bloody lazy! - Family lazy.

Marianne... we're starting to get old.

Be nice and speak for yourself.

- We have our children. - You've really abandoned them.

- Our common past. - Which is irrevocably past.

- If you interrupt... - You've got such tired arguments.

In the beginning it was just you and I. A company for the future.

- A company in bankruptcy. - We'll form a new one.

Our painful experiences can be our seed capital.

Sometimes I wonder if I ever loved you.

- And that's very lamentable. - Loved? Of course...

Well... What is love anyway?

A strenuous grimace that terminates in a yawn.

- That's extremely cynical. - Your own words, my dear David.

Rubbish. Childish nonsense.

I don't want us to lose a single day, a single night, a single hour.

Give me back your heart and I will tend it like a holy relic.

We'll never look back, never become stuck in greyness and melancholy.

Marianne, my beloved...

May I kiss you?

I heard your bet with the salesman a moment ago.

Kiss me and we'll win a tenner. But I want half.

You're very devious...

I didn't mean...

My God! I've almost lost faith in myself. How did you do it?

- My devastating sex appeal. - Right...

I've noticed that small skinny men are all the rage now.

- Here's your tenner. - Keep it. Buy flowers for the wife.

Poor woman!

- Marianne. - Don't get ideas because of a kiss.

I'm sticking to my decision. Never, never again...

- Never again what? - I don't know, but never again!

- Shall we have a bite to eat? - No, thanks.

A little Chateaubriand and a glass of wine?

- Don't try. - You once told me you loved me.

- Do you remember? - The "natural" stage.

- You were about to marry Carl-Adam. - I said it's no good trying.

I'm not seducible, my man.

15 years ago. Spring in Copenhagen.

We were like the Three Musketeers. Marianne, Carl-Adam and I.

To general dismay, he proposed.

She accepted out of sheer astonishment.

So we waited for the bride...

David, something must have happened, sure as hell. Sorry, Vicar.

- Sorry, I'm nervous. - Nothing's odd about a late bride.

- You think so? - She has to think of many things.

She has to reflect, settle her past, say goodbye to being a virgin.

Shut up, can't you see he's trying to comfort me?

Let's wait a little longer, shall we? Sorry, Vicar, sorry.

David, my only friend. Can't you take the car and fetch her?

Console her if she's upset. You know you have a soothing influence.

Marianne's taking an important step today.

Personally I don't feel at all well. Hurry and we'll wait for you.

I don't want to marry Carl-Adam.

I don't want to marry Carl-Adam!

What are you saying? The wedding has started.

- We can't just... The vicar! - I want to die!

- I want to die. - Can I do anything for you?

I don't want to marry Carl-Adam!

But, why? Why?

I don't love him.

Isn't it a bit late to say that now?

- If you scold me you may as well go. - Carl-Adam loves you.

Can't I be tired of him, the buffalo!

Don't talk like that about our friend!

- You're as stupid yourself. - I don't understand a thing.

But I suspect there's something you want me to understand.

Do you remember that sunny morning last winter?

When I was modelling for Carl-Adam and you came in with a puppy?

- What of it? - Remember how you looked at me?

I saw you naked for the first time.

- And you blushed so cutely. - So?

Carl-Adam... Carl-Adam, the buffalo, laughed and said,

"He's going to be a gynaecologist."

It was extremely embarrassing!

Do you remember last summer?

When I had an ant on me and you helped get it off?

Please don't talk of that.

It was an indiscretion. I still get ashamed when I think of that... ant.

Traitor!

- Me! - Yes. And you're stupid too!

We're going to the wedding and ending this discussion!

- I'd rather hang myself. - Marianne!

Marianne. Get up this minute and get yourself ready.

We... You, me and him... It's...

- They... the priest. Down the chute. - I love you, David Erneman.

- I love you, Marianne. - I loved you for over two years.

I have...

I feel like I must cry now...

- Hold this. - We must talk to Carl-Adam.

- He'll kill you. - Rightly so. We're best friends.

- We have to have each other first. - An ill-chosen moment.

- First work and then play. - What a strong character.

I'm surprised myself. I'm lost...

- Why do you say that? - It was the bachelor's last sigh.

- It's for life, David. - For life, Marianne.

Dear Carl-Adam, I can't tell you how terribly sorry

I am to come here and spoil your wedding.

It's doubly painful as we've been best friends.

- But we love each other. - Which "we"?

David and I.

Cheers to the newly engaged!

My most heartfelt congratulations!

- I'm pleased you're taking it well. - You were afraid, you dog.

- I can't deny it. - You're always so damn well shaved.

- I'm very surprised myself. - I understand. I understand.

A very astonished clean-living little man.

- Lout! - Witch!

Hit a lady, will you? Sadist!

I'll give you what for, you bastard!

Peace, my friends, peace. Peace, I said!

Who's been wronged? Who has justice on his side, I ask you?

In my innocence I thought well of all!

What innocence?

All the hussies you've had as models, vertically and horizontally!

- Vicar, I implore you! - You're a bloody goat!

- Sow! - Dirty old man!

I was going to marry that vixen. Vicar, I who am a man of peace...

Kiss me where the sun doesn't shine! Has everyone seen this mark?

Peace, in God's name.

I got this when he forced me to climb the Christmas tree.

- I protest, that's lying propaganda! - You protest!

A kick in the backside is what you need, you pork dumpling!

Sorry, Vicar.

I've been a maid to that so-called genius for three years!

Marianne do this, and Marianne do that! Darn my socks...

This is pigs' food, out of bed and make coffee, I'll give you a kiss...

It's an honour for you to serve me, the world's greatest sculptor.

I, who will sit on the Lord's right-hand side

and chat to Michelangelo...

- I never said that! - You were drunk!

You were always drunk. At our wedding, too!

I was sober when the wedding started, wasn't I, my friends?

You've never been sober and neither have your friends.

Now I've pressed your trousers for the last time.

And let you draw my bust for the absolutely last time.

And I shit on your art,

your immortality, your boasting, your unbearably idiotic manliness!

I'm severely pissed off with your imprecations!

Who saved you from the gutter? Who made you famous with his unique art?

Me! You're not worthy of licking my... Sorry, Vicar...

...the soles of my feet!

I've given you a house, food, booze!

I've been like a father all these years!

Marianne, you reward me badly. The world is an ungrateful place.

I have nursed a snake at my breast. Actually, two damn snakes!

Get out of here, or I'll kill you and your fine friend over there!

I'll take every last item of mine!

Take your plates and get out!

I won't forget this, you bloody camel!

Don't you think there's been enough quarrelling?

What a woman, my friends, what a woman!

The party goes on. Hell, the bottles aren't empty.

Please help yourselves. There won't be any more fights, it's over now.

Don't just stand there with good intentions. Come on, Vicar.

Sorry, my brother. I got a little heated.

Well, in the name of the Lord.

Tickets, please.

Thanks.

Well... What children we were to imagine it would last a lifetime.

It's the sorrowful experience of all lovers, Marianne.

The impossibility of eternal love.

If that's your opinion,

I don't see why you want to continue our marriage.

- I'm afraid. - Oh, you're afraid.

I'll tell you what your fear is.

You're worried about your selfish solitude

and so you try to appeal to my motherliness and my compassion.

It's uncomfortable being a bachelor, isn't it?

Don't try any sentimentality, because it's wasted energy.

Stop being so damned cocky. You're also in a bad way.

Your flight to Copenhagen is a sign of your bad state of mind.

I'll never be a wife again. I've played that role to exhaustion.

- Besides it's a bad role. - Be a mistress until you drop.

Every morning I'll start with an aria on your beauty and charm.

At lunch I'll offer flowers on my knees

and every evening I'll collect myself to play the passionate lover.

Let's see how long you'd stand that life.

At some point you might have talked of my beauty, given me a flower,

and at some point,

you could have loved me instead of your evening paper.

Told me I was the world's best lover, even though we both know I'm not.

Why didn't we ever play with one another? David?

Can't one ever act out a little comedy now and then?

Not in a country with winter 11 months of the year

and a man ashamed of his skinny arms and his belly starting to show.

One has no energy in an environment as raw and oppressive as this.

Well... So there's not much to be done about it, then.

Listen to that sullenness!

I want us to live in reality. I have no imagination for this comedy.

I get embarrassed when you want to dance the Samba

in the living room.

- What if the children see us? - I know they've stood between us.

- On the contrary! - Yes, I've been too maternal.

- You've been jealous. - Jealous of the children? No.

- Why not? They took your lover away. - Marianne, you're being indecent.

I want a home with you and the kids.

Men are so often conventional.

- Our best times have been alone. - I'm not that type of man.

- You are exactly that type of man. - No.

- Yes! - No!

Yes.

The worst will be telling your parents about the divorce.

Yes, we can't keep up appearances much longer.

They've been together for 50 years.

- I've often wondered... - So have I.

- You remember exactly a year ago? - Grandpa's birthday?

- We were still happy then. - Waking up in the morning...

It's morning!

What's the time?

What is it?

Good morning. I was just checking if you were up.

This is nonsense. Is it necessary to wake a 73 year old with breakfast?

You know Father likes our way of celebrating his birthday.

He woke up at three this morning and changed and brushed his teeth.

He enjoys seeing us suffer, I'd bet on it.

Don't be childish and get dressed.

My God, am I 42 or what am I?

When you're at home you're our child, even if you are the Emperor of China.

You are going to try and be a little nice today. Aren't you?

You know how your parents enjoy having us here.

She wants me in a dress with flowers in my hair!

- Do as grandma says, dear. - Pelle will tease me all day!

- You look nice in a dress. - Nice! I look crazy!

Nix, if you wear the dress, I'll wear the flowers in my hair. OK?

If the child just had a little sense of humour!

Just like you were so very humorous when you spoke to Grandma.

Grandma, look what a nice drawing I made for Grandpa.

That is magnificent. What's it meant to be?

Can't you see?

Dad in a bathing cap and underpants.

No, it's not. It's the Phantom chasing werewolves in the jungle.

Oh, is it? Oh, Nix...

- There's a spot on your dress. - It's from Tax.

Your new dress! When will you learn to take care?

When will you stop being like a boy?

I want to be a boy, not a girl!

I don't want to celebrate any birthday and wear a dress!

I don't want to live, I want to sit in the apple tree...

I don't want Pelle to snigger at me. Don't snigger!

- Hey, children! - He started it!

Be nice now. If you want to fight, go behind the compost so we don't see.

Don't be silly now!

Take that, Pelle... You take that...

No, don't take that... Nix will. No, I'm going to take that. Here...

- It's hot! - It's not hot, don't be a sissy.

Sam, come and sing for the Professor.

I see, as you wish, madam.

- I was going to get the car ready. - No, you have to celebrate with us.

I'll take those roses, and Sam will take the tray.

Right, and you can take the cake because the tray is too heavy.

Come on, come on everybody. Here we go.

Don't push, kids.

We are here, we congratulate For this is your date

We have the honour We have the honour, to participate

We wish that he'll live We wish that he'll live

We wish that he'll live To be 100 years old

We wish that he'll live We wish that he'll live

We wish that he'll live To be a hundred years old

Congratulations on your 73rd birthday, Henrik.

- Congratulations, Grandpa. - Congratulations.

- Congratulations. - What's all this infernal noise?

- Is there a fire? - Look! What a nice cake!

What do you mean by mocking an old man

as he's teetering at grave's edge?

- Congratulate each other instead. - We will, Henrik. Try to be nice.

I am moved, I am charmed.

I tolerate this little discomfort for Grandma's sake

because I know she loves festivities.

Henrik, I believe you've changed your nightshirt.

Oh, I see, yes... I had a touch of insomnia...

I think I feels cooler in a clean nightshirt...

- You sit in front, Mum can sit here. - I want to sit in the front!

You can sit in the front. No, you can sit here on the way back.

- So, everyone is happy. - Well, let's go.

Wait! Are you wearing long drawers?

Yes... I am.

You're fibbing. You have short drawers on.

No... Can't we refrain from discussing this

in front of children, grandchildren and servants?

Roll up your trousers and let me see.

Alright... I have got short drawers on.

- It's my birthday today. - Tomorrow you'll suffer, as will we.

If you don't change at once, I won't come.

But it's my birthday, after all.

You heard what I said. Go on.

Hurry up.

The thin ones are in the second drawer in the chest.

- Yes, yes! - Go and help or he'll tip the chest.

Look how she runs. When will she learn to be a little more feminine?

This nonsense with the long drawers...

- Wait, Grandpa. Here they are. - Ah, there...

- There you are. - Thanks, sweetheart.

Well, how do you like staying with Grandma and Grandpa?

Grandma tells me to act like a girl.

Don't worry, Nix.

Grandma is a grand reformer of people.

By the way, what do you want to be?

- A polar researcher. - Well, I must say!

- There are no people there. - Do you dislike people so much?

- Everyone wants to put you down. - That's just part of it, you see.

Grandpa, aren't you afraid of dying?

No, not at all.

Do you believe in God?

If God is everything that is life,

then I believe in God.

I believe in this life,

in the next life and all sorts of lives.

- But what about death? - Death is just a small part of life.

Imagine how boring it would be if everything was always the same?

Therefore, there is death to give new life.

In all eternity.

Imagine how awful it would be for me

to go around in long drawers for 100,000 years?

It sounds simple. But when I'm alone it's horrible and complicated.

It's understandable that the human child is afraid and concerned.

It's only when you're as old as me

that you start to solve the manual of life.

Why should it be like that?

Everything has a beginning, a development, a conclusion.

Perhaps this life is just a beginning.

Shall we join the others?

- Grandad! - Hurry, Grandma will grumble.

Here's your birthday present. I wanted to give it to you alone.

I made it myself.

Sam, you have to get it going. The professor will be annoyed.

It's worse than if I had been ill. Hurry, the professor is coming.

- What should we do? - Has something happened?

You all look like stomach ulcer patients.

Don't be angry. The car won't start and Sam can't see why.

Oh, is that all? Can I have the wrench?

The whole birthday is ruined.

They may find the problem any minute.

- David will assist me. - They're going to operate!

Can it be an abscess in the carburettor?

Take that... and that...

- And that... - And this.

I'll give you a drink now that you'll never forget.

If you don't come to life... we'll just write out the death certificate.

I'd recommend rest in a garage for a month or two.

- She's given up the ghost. - The end came quickly.

Nothing to be done. We'll just stay at home.

I regret, ladies, we have to cancel the excursion.

This is... Sam...

You did an excellent job.

The breakdown of the car was totally realistic.

- But Madam will be sorry. - Let me tell both of you.

For 49 birthdays,

I've suffered picnics in the great outdoors.

It's only in later years I've realised the trick.

Let the car break down.

I've had a marvellous idea. Sam!

Harness the horses. We'll go by carriage like in our youth.

- Isn't that delightful! - At once.

So Grandpa will get the excursion he's eagerly awaited.

Isn't it delightful, Henrik?

Delightful...

- Do you still love me? - That's a stupid question.

- Answer. - I love you.

- As much as 15 years ago? - More.

- Imagine if it ends one day. - How would that happen?

Don't you ever get attracted to the women at your practice?

- My dear Marianne. Are you jealous? - No. Answer my question.

No one is as beautiful as you. I mean it.

No one smiles like you, has such lovely skin, smells so good...

- Yes, but... lf... - I'm too lazy, Marianne.

When it's this good, you avoid mess.

I become afraid sometimes.

- One can't be as happy as I've been. - You could also fall in love.

- Would you be jealous? - Terribly.

When you're away from me, just for a day or for a short trip...

I become altogether empty inside. I feel...

I feel as if I become little and grey and everything dies around me.

- Isn't that strange? - What do you desire most of all?

To keep things as they are. That nothing changes.

- And then... - Tell me.

- Can't we have another baby? - But, Marianne...

Just a little, little one...

It wouldn't cause you any inconvenience, I promise.

It would be so much fun.

But, Marianne. You and I... We...

Sometimes my body really aches for a baby.

Imagine the smell.

Imagine holding that wriggling life

and letting it nuzzle and nibble at the breast.

I get goosebumps on my arms just talking about it.

- If you had your way, we'd have 10. - Would that be wrong?

Where would my mistress be then?

You're sweet, anyway.

- What would you like most of all? - You won't laugh?

Promise.

Well... I'd like a diving bell.

Then I'd descend into the tropical seas and look for sunken treasure.

And fight sharks and squid.

- I see... - You couldn't help laughing anyway.

Where would I fit into the adventure?

Well, you...

You'd be along... on board and helping out.

My boy is blushing!

You have a way of laughing...

- What are you doing? - I love you.

I've always loved you and I will love you for all eternity.

Amen.

Malmö Central next.

It's easy to sit with your wife in a car and say we're getting a divorce.

- Thanks for the 15 years. Goodbye. - You didn't waver.

I was unaware I lacked the ruthlessness to carry it through.

Always you! I didn't have the ruthlessness, but you taught me.

I decline the return of the remorseful sinner.

I've taken my life and the children's into my hands. I don't need you.

- We need each other just as before. - No. I'm a big girl now.

- I'll decide who I play with. - That damned Carl-Adam!

Hello, my girl! Hello, my girl!

Excuse me. How I've thought of you and yearned for you!

Some vegetables. You're surprised?

How did you know I was on this train?

- We were to meet in Copenhagen. - You wired me. Did you forget?

- Have you noticed my husband? - Damn, is he here? Yes, there he is.

I hardly recognised him. Hello, old man! My, you look haggard!

We met on the train and strange as it sounds, he's also off to Copenhagen.

What a wonderful thought!

The wife, lover and husband,

bobbing on the wide strait!

Come, my friends. You can take that.

- Cheers. - Cheers!

Marianne says you stayed sober several days in a row?

Yes, I haven't touched a drop since... when the hell was it?

- I'm impressed. - Sure, but tonight's a party.

Cheers, David, my old friend. Cheers, Marianne, my girl.

- So, you came back. - Women are realists.

- They choose the stronger ones. - I have big muscles. Feel them.

- I meant the spiritually strong. - Yes, of course.

You create immortal works of art that will be uncovered in 2,000 years.

They'll say, "This is a Carl-Adam."

You're being ironic, but you're right.

Women, they love the great artists. Don't you think, Marianne?

What? Sure, darling, indeed we do.

You are perfect, contained by your own power.

Exactly. Some people are at 50°% or less. I'm at least 95°% .

Speaking of... Shall we have another?

Cheers.

- It's rolling. - Are you getting seasick?

Me! Are you crazy?

Excuse me.

He's an old sailor, that one.

Goodbye, David, thanks for the company. Marianne is a little tired.

- You understand. - Of course, Carl-Adam.

Thanks for the company yourself. Very nice.

- Goodbye, David. - Goodbye, Marianne.

- Goodbye, David. - Goodbye, Carl-Adam.

- As we said... - Yes, as we said.

- Goodbye, David. - Why don't we have a parting drink?

It's not often you hand over your wife to a friend.

Return, return, my fine brother... Marianne can decide.

No, you decide.

We shouldn't detain David too long, he might have lots to do.

Maybe a drink isn't such a bad idea.

Promise me we'll go to a seedy place. I want to see something exciting.

Slightly immoral... Something with bite...

- Try to understand women if you can. - I can't.

Driver? The harbour.

- So you're going to get married? - Married?

- We're not crazy. Who said that? - Marianne said so.

Marianne is an independent woman. She's not bourgeois at all.

That's convenient as you like to play the field.

There's no such thing. Only impotent men are faithful.

- Their wives deceive them at once. - Cheers!

- Cheers. - Cheers, Carl-Adam.

- Shall we dance? - We haven't in 10 years.

Then it's about time.

A "Galloping Volcano" for the man in glasses.

I'll have a bottle of whisky.

- Carl-Adam! - Lise!

- It's been a while. - My God, Lise!

- You bloom with every year. - But business is bad.

- It was different in our time. - Carl-Adam...

Listen... you have to help me with something.

- See the man there with glasses? - And the long nose?

Dancing there...

- He's very attractive. - Tactless. He's courting my fiancée.

- Are you engaged? - No, no... quiet!

I want you to take care of him, get him out of the way.

He's very shy so I've fixed a "Volcano".

His name is David.

Answer me honestly. How did you know I was coming here?

- Sam spied for me. - And you wired Carl-Adam?

- Why did you do that? - I won't leave you for five minutes.

- Even if I have to share your bed. - Are you mad? What's up with you?

I get so excited from this... dancing.

David. Didn't you see me? It's great you are here.

- It's been such a long time. - What?

Give your Lise a kiss.

How nice that David has also found some company.

- Don't you think? - Seems to be an old acquaintance.

- Well! - Aren't you thirsty, David?

- Ah! You're a patient. - You could say that.

- What do you do? - I'm a teacher.

I see... Really?

- Do you want a lesson? - What do you teach?

Love, of course... What did you think?

I wonder how Marianne is?

I'm an idiot, Lise. You know that? Cheers!

Cheers, as you say.

- It wasn't very strong. - No, it's medicine.

- A love potion? - Yes, it's good.

One more. It's very, very good.

Could I get the recipe? It warms the knees so nicely.

Now I've lost my glasses. Why did I do that?

- There's a tiny animal on my neck. - You're cuter without glasses.

Listen, my girl... You're one hell of a beauty...

But you shouldn't have you hair up. It should fall freely.

Like rapids over your gorgeous shoulders. Like that.

- Shall we dance? - I have a tiny animal on my neck.

- Shall we dance? No? - Yes.

- Kiss me, David. - What's that?

Kiss me, David!

I have to take my jacket off first. Coming through!

Now I'm going to kiss Denmark's most beautiful girl!

Not even King Frederik could object! Out the way, I need lots of room.

Hello!

Police!

Let me go! I'll make mincemeat of her!

Just you wait! Let me go! Let me go!

I could scream!

How could you kiss that disgusting, disagreeable, vulgar ape?

And right in front of me! So that's what all your promises are worth.

All that on the train! You're brutal, unfaithful, egotistical and ruthless!

- I could wring your neck! - Are you jealous?

Jealous, my foot! Don't touch me!

I'm cold, upset and depressed.

If there was water here, I would drown myself.

- There's deep water on the right. - I'll slap you first!

- Stop blubbering! - I'm not! I'm angry, angry!

My beloved Marianne. What a day we've had, what a night!

I'm so tired as well, that's why I'm crying.

Alright... there, there...

I've been looking for you all over town.

Everything's ready.

- Where are we going? - Drive.

David, you scoundrel. Were you so sure?

A good strategist has to foresee all possibilities.

DO NOT DISTURB!

SILENCE! A LESSON IN LOVE