Original subtitles

Damn.

It's your turn, Heather.

It's your turn, Heather.

No, Heather. It's Heather's turn.

No, Heather. It's Heather's turn.

Heather.

Heather.

Sorry, Heather.

Sorry, Heather.

(KISSING)

Ow!

Ow!

(SNICKERING)

Dear Diary,

Dear Diary,

Heather told me she teaches people real life.

Heather told me she teaches people real life.

She said real life sucks losers dry.

She said real life sucks losers dry.

She said real life sucks losers dry.

If you want to fuck with the eagles, you have to learn to fly.

If you want to fuck with the eagles, you have to learn to fly.

If you want to fuck with the eagles, you have to learn to fly.

I said, "So, you teach people how to spread their wings and fly?"

I said, "So, you teach people how to spread their wings and fly?"

I said, "So, you teach people how to spread their wings and fly?"

She said, "Yes."

I said, "You're beautiful."

I said, "You're beautiful."

God, come on, Veronica.

God, come on, Veronica.

What is your damage, Heather?

What is your damage, Heather?

Don't blame me, blame Heather.

She told me to haul your ass into the caf pronto.

She told me to haul your ass into the caf pronto.

Back me up, Heather.

Back me up, Heather.

Yeah, she really wants to talk to you, Veronica.

Yeah, she really wants to talk to you, Veronica.

Okay, I'm going. Jesus Christ.

Okay, I'm going. Jesus Christ.

VERONICA: Hello, Heather.

VERONICA: Hello, Heather.

Veronica. Finally.

Veronica. Finally.

Veronica. Finally.

I got a note of Kurt Kelly's.

I got a note of Kurt Kelly's.

I need you to forge a hot and horny

I need you to forge a hot and horny

but realistically low-key note in Kurt's handwriting.

but realistically low-key note in Kurt's handwriting.

I'll slip it onto Martha Dumptruck's lunch tray.

I'll slip it onto Martha Dumptruck's lunch tray.

Shit, Heather, I don't have anything against Martha Dunnstock.

Shit, Heather, I don't have anything against Martha Dunnstock.

Shit, Heather, I don't have anything against Martha Dunnstock.

You don't have anything for her either.

You don't have anything for her either.

Come on. It'll be very.

Come on. It'll be very.

The note will give her shower nozzle masturbation material for weeks.

The note will give her shower nozzle masturbation material for weeks.

The note will give her shower nozzle masturbation material for weeks.

I'll think about it.

Don't think.

Veronica needs something to write on. Heather, bend over.

Veronica needs something to write on. Heather, bend over.

Dear Martha, you're so sweet...

Dear Martha, you're so sweet...

Dear Martha, you're so sweet...

I'm telling you, man, it would so be righteous

I'm telling you, man, it would so be righteous

to be in a Veronica Sawyer/ Heather Chandler sandwich.

to be in a Veronica Sawyer/ Heather Chandler sandwich.

Oh, hell, yes.

Oh, hell, yes.

I wanna get a Heather and put her on my Johnson

I wanna get a Heather and put her on my Johnson

and just start spinning her around like a goddamn pinwheel.

and just start spinning her around like a goddamn pinwheel.

-(LAUGHING) -Punch it in.

-(LAUGHING) -Punch it in.

BOY: Westerburg feeds the world. Come on, people.

BOY: Westerburg feeds the world. Come on, people.

Let's give that leftover lunch money to people who don't have lunches.

Let's give that leftover lunch money to people who don't have lunches.

Let's give that leftover lunch money to people who don't have lunches.

Those Tater Tots you threw away are...

God, aren't they fed yet?

God, aren't they fed yet?

Do they even have Thanksgiving in Africa?

Do they even have Thanksgiving in Africa?

Oh, sure. Pilgrims, Indians, Tater Tots.

Oh, sure. Pilgrims, Indians, Tater Tots.

Oh, sure. Pilgrims, Indians, Tater Tots.

It's a real party continent.

It's a real party continent.

Sawyer, guess what today is.

Sawyer, guess what today is.

Ouch. Lunchtime poll? So what's the question?

Ouch. Lunchtime poll? So what's the question?

Ouch. Lunchtime poll? So what's the question?

Yeah, so what's the question, Heather?

Yeah, so what's the question, Heather?

Goddamn, Heather, you were with me in study hall when I thought of it.

Goddamn, Heather, you were with me in study hall when I thought of it.

Goddamn, Heather, you were with me in study hall when I thought of it.

I forgot.

Such a pillowcase.

Such a pillowcase.

This wouldn't be that bizarro thing you were babbling about

This wouldn't be that bizarro thing you were babbling about

over the phone last night, would it?

over the phone last night, would it?

HEATHER CHANDLER: Of course it is.

HEATHER CHANDLER: Of course it is.

HEATHER CHANDLER: Of course it is.

I told Dennis if he gives me another political topic, I'd spew burrito chunks.

I told Dennis if he gives me another political topic, I'd spew burrito chunks.

I told Dennis if he gives me another political topic, I'd spew burrito chunks.

(GASPS)

Oh, Veronica, I'm sorry.

Oh, Veronica, I'm sorry.

Betty Finn. Gosh.

Betty Finn. Gosh.

Hey, I'm really sorry I couldn't make it to your birthday party last month.

Hey, I'm really sorry I couldn't make it to your birthday party last month.

Hey, I'm really sorry I couldn't make it to your birthday party last month.

It's okay. Your mom said you had a big date.

It's okay. Your mom said you had a big date.

I think I'd probably miss my own birthday for a date.

I think I'd probably miss my own birthday for a date.

I think I'd probably miss my own birthday for a date.

-Don't say that. -You know what?

-Don't say that. -You know what?

I was looking around the other day and I dug up these old photographs.

I was looking around the other day and I dug up these old photographs.

I was looking around the other day and I dug up these old photographs.

(LAUGHS)

(LAUGHS)

Oh, wow, they're great.

Oh, wow, they're great.

Come on, Veronica.

Come on, Veronica.

I was talking to somebody.

I was talking to somebody.

Great. Here comes Heather.

Great. Here comes Heather.

Great. Here comes Heather.

Oh, shit.

-Hi, Courtney. Love your cardigan. -Thanks.

-Hi, Courtney. Love your cardigan. -Thanks.

-Hi, Courtney. Love your cardigan. -Thanks.

I just got it last night at The Limited.

I just got it last night at The Limited.

Like, totally blew my allowance.

Like, totally blew my allowance.

Like, totally blew my allowance.

Now, check this out. You win $5 million from the Publisher Sweepstakes

Now, check this out. You win $5 million from the Publisher Sweepstakes

Now, check this out. You win $5 million from the Publisher Sweepstakes

and the same day that Big Ed guy gives you the check,

and the same day that Big Ed guy gives you the check,

aliens land on the Earth and say they're gonna blow up the world in two days.

aliens land on the Earth and say they're gonna blow up the world in two days.

aliens land on the Earth and say they're gonna blow up the world in two days.

What do you do?

What do you do?

That's easy.

That's easy.

I'd just slide that wad over to my father,

I'd just slide that wad over to my father,

I'd just slide that wad over to my father,

'cause he is, like, one of the top brokers in the state.

'cause he is, like, one of the top brokers in the state.

If I got that money, I'd give it all to the homeless.

If I got that money, I'd give it all to the homeless.

If I got that money, I'd give it all to the homeless.

Every cent.

Every cent.

You're beautiful.

You're beautiful.

If you're going to openly be a bitch...

If you're going to openly be a bitch...

It's just... Heather, why can't we talk to different kinds of people?

It's just... Heather, why can't we talk to different kinds of people?

Fuck me gently with a chainsaw. Do I look like Mother Teresa?

Fuck me gently with a chainsaw. Do I look like Mother Teresa?

Fuck me gently with a chainsaw. Do I look like Mother Teresa?

If I did, I probably wouldn't mind talking to the geek squad.

If I did, I probably wouldn't mind talking to the geek squad.

If I did, I probably wouldn't mind talking to the geek squad.

(SPITS)

(SPITS)

Did see that? Heather number one just looked right at me.

Did see that? Heather number one just looked right at me.

Did see that? Heather number one just looked right at me.

Does it not bother you that everybody in this school thinks that you're a piranha?

Does it not bother you that everybody in this school thinks that you're a piranha?

Does it not bother you that everybody in this school thinks that you're a piranha?

Like I give a shit.

Like I give a shit.

They all want me as a friend or a fuck.

They all want me as a friend or a fuck.

I'm worshiped at Westerburg and I'm only a junior.

I'm worshiped at Westerburg and I'm only a junior.

I'm worshiped at Westerburg and I'm only a junior.

I can't believe this. We're going to a party at Remington University tonight

I can't believe this. We're going to a party at Remington University tonight

I can't believe this. We're going to a party at Remington University tonight

and we're brushing up on our conversational skills with the scum of the school.

and we're brushing up on our conversational skills with the scum of the school.

and we're brushing up on our conversational skills with the scum of the school.

Hi.

Hi.

Hi.

Hi.

So this is what's called a lunchtime poll.

So this is what's called a lunchtime poll.

You win $5 million in the Publisher Sweepstakes

You win $5 million in the Publisher Sweepstakes

You win $5 million in the Publisher Sweepstakes

and the same day that what's-his-face gives you the check,

and the same day that what's-his-face gives you the check,

aliens land on Earth

aliens land on Earth

and say they're going to blow up the world in two days.

and say they're going to blow up the world in two days.

What are you going to do with the money?

What are you going to do with the money?

I'd go to Egypt.

I'd go to Egypt.

With a girl.

With a girl.

I'd use the money for an end-of-the-world get-together.

I'd use the money for an end-of-the-world get-together.

I'd use the money for an end-of-the-world get-together.

I'd pay Madonna a million bucks to sit on my face

I'd pay Madonna a million bucks to sit on my face

and have her ride it like the Kentucky Derby.

and have her ride it like the Kentucky Derby.

That's gotta be the most spooky-ass question I ever heard.

That's gotta be the most spooky-ass question I ever heard.

That's gotta be the most spooky-ass question I ever heard.

All right, this is important. After taxes, I'll only be getting...

All right, this is important. After taxes, I'll only be getting...

She should pay me, though.

She should pay me, though.

You go to the zoo and you get a lion,

You go to the zoo and you get a lion,

and then you put a remote control bomb up its butt...

and then you put a remote control bomb up its butt...

And then there's social security, legal fees...

And then there's social security, legal fees...

And then there's social security, legal fees...

You push the button on the bomb and you and the lion die like one.

You push the button on the bomb and you and the lion die like one.

You push the button on the bomb and you and the lion die like one.

What?

What?

Oh, my God. Here we go.

Oh, my God. Here we go.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

(LAUGHING)

(LAUGHING)

Hi, Veronica. Five keeps the neighborhood alive.

Hi, Veronica. Five keeps the neighborhood alive.

You wanted to be a member of the most powerful clique in school.

You wanted to be a member of the most powerful clique in school.

You wanted to be a member of the most powerful clique in school.

If I wasn't already the head of it, I'd want the same thing.

If I wasn't already the head of it, I'd want the same thing.

If I wasn't already the head of it, I'd want the same thing.

Come on, Veronica.

Come on, Veronica.

You used to have a sense of humor.

Veronica, could you come back here a minute?

Veronica, could you come back here a minute?

Veronica, could you come back here a minute?

A true friend's work is never done.

A true friend's work is never done.

BOTH: Gross.

BOTH: Gross.

Grow up, Heather. Bulimia is so '87.

Grow up, Heather. Bulimia is so '87.

Grow up, Heather. Bulimia is so '87.

-You know, maybe you should see a doctor. -Yeah, maybe.

-You know, maybe you should see a doctor. -Yeah, maybe.

-You know, maybe you should see a doctor. -Yeah, maybe.

Come on, Heather, let's take another look at today's lunch.

Come on, Heather, let's take another look at today's lunch.

God, Veronica, drool much?

God, Veronica, drool much?

His name's Jason Dean.

His name's Jason Dean.

He's in my American History.

He's in my American History.

Hello, Jason Dean.

Hello, Jason Dean.

Greetings and salutations.

Greetings and salutations.

Are you a Heather?

Are you a Heather?

No.

I'm a Veronica. Sawyer.

I'm a Veronica. Sawyer.

I'm a Veronica. Sawyer.

This may seem like a really stupid question.

This may seem like a really stupid question.

There are no stupid questions.

There are no stupid questions.

You inherit $5 million the same day aliens land on the Earth

You inherit $5 million the same day aliens land on the Earth

and say they're going to blow it up in two days.

and say they're going to blow it up in two days.

What do you do?

What do you do?

That's the stupidest question I've ever heard.

That's the stupidest question I've ever heard.

Who's that guy in the coat think he is anyways?

Who's that guy in the coat think he is anyways?

Bo Diddley?

Bo Diddley?

Veronica's into his act, no doubt.

Veronica's into his act, no doubt.

I don't know. Probably row out to the middle of a lake somewhere,

I don't know. Probably row out to the middle of a lake somewhere,

I don't know. Probably row out to the middle of a lake somewhere,

bring along a bottle of tequila,

bring along a bottle of tequila,

my sax and some Bach.

my sax and some Bach.

How very.

How very.

Come on, Veronica.

Come on, Veronica.

Later.

Later.

Definitely.

Definitely.

Let's kick his ass.

Shit, Ram. We're seniors, man.

Shit, Ram. We're seniors, man.

Shit, Ram. We're seniors, man.

We're too old for kind of that kind of crap.

We're too old for kind of that kind of crap.

Let's give him a good scare, though.

Let's give him a good scare, though.

You gonna eat this?

You gonna eat this?

What did your boyfriend say when you told him you were moving to Sherwood, Ohio?

What did your boyfriend say when you told him you were moving to Sherwood, Ohio?

What did your boyfriend say when you told him you were moving to Sherwood, Ohio?

Answer him, dick.

Answer him, dick.

Hey, Ram, doesn't this cafeteria have a "no fags allowed" rule?

Hey, Ram, doesn't this cafeteria have a "no fags allowed" rule?

Hey, Ram, doesn't this cafeteria have a "no fags allowed" rule?

They seem to have an open-door policy for assholes, though, don't they?

They seem to have an open-door policy for assholes, though, don't they?

They seem to have an open-door policy for assholes, though, don't they?

What did you say, dickhead?

What did you say, dickhead?

(SIGHS) I'll repeat myself.

(SIGHS) I'll repeat myself.

(GUNSHOTS)

(GUNSHOTS)

God, they won't expel him, they'll just suspend him for a week or something.

God, they won't expel him, they'll just suspend him for a week or something.

God, they won't expel him, they'll just suspend him for a week or something.

He used a real gun. They should throw his ass in jail.

He used a real gun. They should throw his ass in jail.

He used a real gun. They should throw his ass in jail.

VERONICA: No way. He used blanks.

VERONICA: No way. He used blanks.

VERONICA: No way. He used blanks.

All J.D. really did was ruin two pairs of pants.

All J.D. really did was ruin two pairs of pants.

Maybe not even that.

Maybe not even that.

Can you bleach out urine stains? (LAUGHS)

Can you bleach out urine stains? (LAUGHS)

You seem pretty amused. I thought you had given up on high school guys.

You seem pretty amused. I thought you had given up on high school guys.

You seem pretty amused. I thought you had given up on high school guys.

You seem pretty amused. I thought you had given up on high school guys.

Never say never.

Never say never.

So, what are you going to do, Heather?

Take the two shots or send me out?

Take the two shots or send me out?

Did you have a brain tumor for breakfast?

Did you have a brain tumor for breakfast?

First you ask if you can be red,

First you ask if you can be red,

knowing that I'm always red.

knowing that I'm always red.

(THUMPS)

(THUMPS)

Shit.

It's your turn, Heather.

It's your turn, Heather.

Easy shot, Heather.

Easy shot, Heather.

No way, no day.

No way, no day.

Give it up, girl.

Give it up, girl.

-Holy shit. -God, that was incredible!

-Holy shit. -God, that was incredible!

Whoo! (GIGGLES)

Whoo! (GIGGLES)

So, tonight's the night. Are you two excited?

So, tonight's the night. Are you two excited?

I'm giving Veronica her shot,

I'm giving Veronica her shot,

her first Remington party.

her first Remington party.

You blow it tonight, girl,

You blow it tonight, girl,

and it's keggers with kids all next year.

and it's keggers with kids all next year.

Why?

Why not?

Heather, your mother's here.

Heather, your mother's here.

Come on, whoever wants a ride.

Come on, whoever wants a ride.

-Bye. Thank you. -Bye-bye, girls.

-Bye. Thank you. -Bye-bye, girls.

-Bye. Thank you. -Bye-bye, girls.

Hey, take a break, Veronica. Sit down.

Hey, take a break, Veronica. Sit down.

So, what was the first week of spring vacation withdrawal like?

So, what was the first week of spring vacation withdrawal like?

So, what was the first week of spring vacation withdrawal like?

I don't know. It was okay, I guess.

I don't know. It was okay, I guess.

Hey, kid, isn't the prom coming up?

Hey, kid, isn't the prom coming up?

I guess.

I guess.

VERONICA'S MOM: Any contestants worth mentioning?

VERONICA'S MOM: Any contestants worth mentioning?

Maybe.

There's kind of a dark horse in the running.

There's kind of a dark horse in the running.

There's kind of a dark horse in the running.

Goddamn, will somebody tell me why I read these spy novels?

Goddamn, will somebody tell me why I read these spy novels?

Goddamn, will somebody tell me why I read these spy novels?

Because you're an idiot.

Oh, yeah, that's it.

You two.

You two.

Great pate, but I gotta motor if I want to be ready for that party tonight.

Great pate, but I gotta motor if I want to be ready for that party tonight.

Great pate, but I gotta motor if I want to be ready for that party tonight.

HEATHER McNAMARA: Corn nuts!

HEATHER McNAMARA: Corn nuts!

BQ or plain?

BQ!

BQ!

You going to pull a super-chug with that?

You going to pull a super-chug with that?

No, but if you're nice, I'll let you buy me a Slushie.

No, but if you're nice, I'll let you buy me a Slushie.

I see you know your convenience-speak pretty well.

I see you know your convenience-speak pretty well.

I see you know your convenience-speak pretty well.

Yeah, well, I've been moved around all my life.

Yeah, well, I've been moved around all my life.

Yeah, well, I've been moved around all my life.

Dallas, Baton Rouge, Vegas,

Dallas, Baton Rouge, Vegas,

Dallas, Baton Rouge, Vegas,

Sherwood, Ohio.

Sherwood, Ohio.

There's always been a Snappy Snack Shack.

There's always been a Snappy Snack Shack.

There's always been a Snappy Snack Shack.

Any town, any time, you can pop a ham and cheese in the microwave

Any town, any time, you can pop a ham and cheese in the microwave

and feast on a turbo-dog.

and feast on a turbo-dog.

and feast on a turbo-dog.

Keeps me sane.

Keeps me sane.

Really?

Really?

That thing you pulled in the caf today was pretty severe.

That thing you pulled in the caf today was pretty severe.

That thing you pulled in the caf today was pretty severe.

That thing you pulled in the caf today was pretty severe.

Yeah, well, the extreme always seems to make an impression.

Yeah, well, the extreme always seems to make an impression.

Did you say a cherry or Coke Slushie?

Did you say a cherry or Coke Slushie?

I didn't. Cherry.

I didn't. Cherry.

Great bike.

Great bike.

Yeah. Just a humble perk from my dad's construction company.

Yeah. Just a humble perk from my dad's construction company.

Yeah. Just a humble perk from my dad's construction company.

Seen the commercial, right?

Seen the commercial, right?

"Bringing every state to a higher state."

"Bringing every state to a higher state."

Wait a minute. Jason Dean.

Wait a minute. Jason Dean.

Your pop's Big Bud Dean Construction?

Your pop's Big Bud Dean Construction?

It must be rough moving place to place.

It must be rough moving place to place.

Everybody's life has got static. Is your life perfect?

Everybody's life has got static. Is your life perfect?

Everybody's life has got static. Is your life perfect?

Oh, yeah, I'm on my way to a party at Remington University.

Oh, yeah, I'm on my way to a party at Remington University.

Oh, yeah, I'm on my way to a party at Remington University.

-Hmm. -(HORN HONKING)

-Hmm. -(HORN HONKING)

(HORN HONKING)

No, my life's not perfect.

No, my life's not perfect.

I don't really like my friends.

Yeah, I, uh... I don't really like your friends, either.

Yeah, I, uh... I don't really like your friends, either.

Yeah, I, uh... I don't really like your friends, either.

Well, it's just like they're people I work with

Well, it's just like they're people I work with

Well, it's just like they're people I work with

and our job is being popular and shit.

and our job is being popular and shit.

Maybe it's time to take a vacation.

Maybe it's time to take a vacation.

Hello, ladies. Throw your coats on the floor.

Hello, ladies. Throw your coats on the floor.

Hello, ladies. Throw your coats on the floor.

Veronica, this is Brad.

Veronica, this is Brad.

Excellent.

Excellent.

Did you girls bring your partying slippers, huh?

Did you girls bring your partying slippers, huh?

Let's party.

Let's party.

She loves to party.

She loves to party.

(LAUGHING)

(LAUGHING)

VERONICA: Dear Diary, I want to kill,

VERONICA: Dear Diary, I want to kill,

and you have to believe, it's for more than just selfish reasons.

and you have to believe, it's for more than just selfish reasons.

and you have to believe, it's for more than just selfish reasons.

More than just a spoke in my menstrual cycle.

More than just a spoke in my menstrual cycle.

You have to believe me.

You have to believe me.

It's so great to be able to talk to a girl and not have to ask, "What's your major?"

It's so great to be able to talk to a girl and not have to ask, "What's your major?"

It's so great to be able to talk to a girl and not have to ask, "What's your major?"

I hate that.

I hate that.

So, when you go to college,

So, when you go to college,

So, when you go to college,

what subjects do you think you'll study?

what subjects do you think you'll study?

Come on, David. Shouldn't we get back to the party?

Come on, David. Shouldn't we get back to the party?

Come on, David. Shouldn't we get back to the party?

We will.

We will.

It's just you're so hot tonight.

It's just you're so hot tonight.

I can't control myself.

I can't control myself.

VERONICA: Oh, Christ, I can't explain it but I'm allowed an understanding

VERONICA: Oh, Christ, I can't explain it but I'm allowed an understanding

that my parents and these Remington University assholes have chosen to ignore.

that my parents and these Remington University assholes have chosen to ignore.

that my parents and these Remington University assholes have chosen to ignore.

that my parents and these Remington University assholes have chosen to ignore.

I understand that I must stop Heather.

I understand that I must stop Heather.

How's my little cheerleader, huh?

How's my little cheerleader, huh?

Oh, I know everyone at your high school isn't so uptight.

Oh, I know everyone at your high school isn't so uptight.

Oh, I know everyone at your high school isn't so uptight.

Oh, I know everyone at your high school isn't so uptight.

-Come on. -Come on, now. Look, I don't feel so good, okay?

-Come on. -Come on, now. Look, I don't feel so good, okay?

Hey, let's do it on the coats. It'll be excellent, huh?

Hey, let's do it on the coats. It'll be excellent, huh?

Hey, let's do it on the coats. It'll be excellent, huh?

You know, I have a little prepared speech

You know, I have a little prepared speech

I tell my suitor when he wants more than I'd like to give him.

I tell my suitor when he wants more than I'd like to give him.

Gee, blank, I had a really nice...

Gee, blank, I had a really nice...

Save the speeches for Malcolm X.

Save the speeches for Malcolm X.

Save the speeches for Malcolm X.

(SIGHS)

(SIGHS)

I just want to get laid.

I just want to get laid.

You don't deserve my fucking speech.

You don't deserve my fucking speech.

You don't deserve my fucking speech.

VERONICA: Betty Finn was a true friend and I sold her out

VERONICA: Betty Finn was a true friend and I sold her out

for a bunch of Swatchdogs and Diet Cokeheads.

for a bunch of Swatchdogs and Diet Cokeheads.

Killing Heather would be like offing the Wicked Witch of the West.

Killing Heather would be like offing the Wicked Witch of the West.

Wait, East. West! God, I sound like a fucking psycho.

Wait, East. West! God, I sound like a fucking psycho.

Wait, East. West! God, I sound like a fucking psycho.

What's your damage? Brad says you're being a real cooze.

What's your damage? Brad says you're being a real cooze.

Heather, I feel really sick, like I'm gonna throw up, so can we please jam now?

Heather, I feel really sick, like I'm gonna throw up, so can we please jam now?

Heather, I feel really sick, like I'm gonna throw up, so can we please jam now?

No. Hell, no.

No. Hell, no.

(VOMITING)

(VOMITING)

(VOMITING)

VERONICA: Tomorrow I'll be kissing her aerobicized ass,

VERONICA: Tomorrow I'll be kissing her aerobicized ass,

VERONICA: Tomorrow I'll be kissing her aerobicized ass,

but tonight let me dream of a world without Heather,

but tonight let me dream of a world without Heather,

a world where I am free.

a world where I am free.

You stupid fuck.

You stupid fuck.

You goddamn bitch.

You goddamn bitch.

You were nothing before you met me.

You were nothing before you met me.

You were playing Barbies with Betty Finn.

You were playing Barbies with Betty Finn.

You were playing Barbies with Betty Finn.

You were a Blue Bird, you were a Brownie,

You were a Blue Bird, you were a Brownie,

you were a Girl Scout cookie.

you were a Girl Scout cookie.

you were a Girl Scout cookie.

I got you into a Remington party.

I got you into a Remington party.

What's my thanks? It's on the hallway carpet.

What's my thanks? It's on the hallway carpet.

What's my thanks? It's on the hallway carpet.

I got paid in puke.

I got paid in puke.

Lick it up, baby. Lick it up.

Lick it up, baby. Lick it up.

Monday morning, you're history.

Monday morning, you're history.

Monday morning, you're history.

I'll tell everyone about tonight.

I'll tell everyone about tonight.

Transfer to Washington, transfer to Jefferson,

Transfer to Washington, transfer to Jefferson,

Transfer to Washington, transfer to Jefferson,

no one at Westerburg's gonna let you play their reindeer games.

no one at Westerburg's gonna let you play their reindeer games.

(GLASS BREAKING)

(INHALING SHARPLY)

(INHALING SHARPLY)

Dreadful etiquette. I apologize.

Dreadful etiquette. I apologize.

That's okay.

That's okay.

I saw the croquet set up in the back. You up for a match?

I saw the croquet set up in the back. You up for a match?

J.D.: (SIGHING) I thank you.

J.D.: (SIGHING) I thank you.

That was my first game of strip croquet.

That was my first game of strip croquet.

That was my first game of strip croquet.

You're welcome.

You're welcome.

It's a lot more interesting than just flinging off your clothes

It's a lot more interesting than just flinging off your clothes

and boning away on a neighbor's swing set.

and boning away on a neighbor's swing set.

I don't know. There's a lot to be said for throwing off your... Ow!

I don't know. There's a lot to be said for throwing off your... Ow!

(GIGGLING)

(GIGGLING)

What a night.

What a life.

What a life.

They wanted to move me into high school out of the sixth grade

They wanted to move me into high school out of the sixth grade

-because I was supposed to be this big genius. -Mmm-hmm.

-because I was supposed to be this big genius. -Mmm-hmm.

-because I was supposed to be this big genius. -Mmm-hmm.

Then we decided to chuck the idea

Then we decided to chuck the idea

because I'd have trouble making friends, blah, blah, blah.

because I'd have trouble making friends, blah, blah, blah.

because I'd have trouble making friends, blah, blah, blah.

(SIGHS) Now, blah, blah, blah is all I do.

(SIGHS) Now, blah, blah, blah is all I do.

I use my grand IQ to decide what color gloss to wear

I use my grand IQ to decide what color gloss to wear

and how to hit three keggers before curfew.

and how to hit three keggers before curfew.

and how to hit three keggers before curfew.

Heather Chandler is one bitch that deserves to die.

Heather Chandler is one bitch that deserves to die.

Heather Chandler is one bitch that deserves to die.

No, killing her won't solve anything.

No, killing her won't solve anything.

I say we just grow up, be adults and die.

I say we just grow up, be adults and die.

But before that...

But before that...

But before that...

I'd like to see Heather Chandler puke her guts out.

I'd like to see Heather Chandler puke her guts out.

Trust me, she skips the Saturday morning trip to grandma's

Trust me, she skips the Saturday morning trip to grandma's

even when she's not hung over.

even when she's not hung over.

We'll just concoct ourselves a little hangover cure

We'll just concoct ourselves a little hangover cure

We'll just concoct ourselves a little hangover cure

that'll induce her to spew red, white and blue, then.

that'll induce her to spew red, white and blue, then.

that'll induce her to spew red, white and blue, then.

What about, like, milk and orange juice?

What about, like, milk and orange juice?

What's the up-chuck factor on that?

What's the up-chuck factor on that?

I'm a no-rust-build-up man, myself.

I'm a no-rust-build-up man, myself.

Don't be a dick.

Don't be a dick.

That stuff will kill her.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I know, we can cook up some soup and put it in a Coke.

I know, we can cook up some soup and put it in a Coke.

I know, we can cook up some soup and put it in a Coke.

That's pretty sick, eh?

That's pretty sick, eh?

Now, should it be chicken noodle or bean with bacon?

Now, should it be chicken noodle or bean with bacon?

Now, should it be chicken noodle or bean with bacon?

Would you put a lid on that stuff?

I say we go with big blue here.

I say we go with big blue here.

What are you talking about?

What are you talking about?

She would never drink anything that looked like that, anyway.

She would never drink anything that looked like that, anyway.

She would never drink anything that looked like that, anyway.

Mmm.

So, we'll put it in this.

So, we'll put it in this.

She won't be able to see what she's drinking.

She won't be able to see what she's drinking.

Let me get a cup, jerk.

Let me get a cup, jerk.

VERONICA: Okay.

Milk and orange juice. Hmm...

Milk and orange juice. Hmm...

Milk and orange juice. Hmm...

Well, maybe we could, like, cough up a phlegm globber in it, or something.

Well, maybe we could, like, cough up a phlegm globber in it, or something.

Well, maybe we could, like, cough up a phlegm globber in it, or something.

J.D.: Mmm.

(COUGHING)

(CLEARING THROAT)

(CLEARING THROAT)

-No? -Nothing.

-No? -Nothing.

Oh, well. Milk and orange juice will do quite nicely.

Oh, well. Milk and orange juice will do quite nicely.

Oh, well. Milk and orange juice will do quite nicely.

Mmm. You're chicken.

Mmm. You're chicken.

You're not funny.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

-Uh, Veronica? -What?

-Uh, Veronica? -What?

Uh...

Uh...

Never mind. I'll, uh, carry the cup.

Never mind. I'll, uh, carry the cup.

VERONICA: Morning, Heather.

VERONICA: Morning, Heather.

Veronica and Jesse James.

Veronica and Jesse James.

Veronica and Jesse James.

Quelle surprise.

Quelle surprise.

Quelle surprise.

Hear about Veronica's affection for regurgitation?

Hear about Veronica's affection for regurgitation?

Heather, I think last night we both said a lot of stuff we didn't mean.

Heather, I think last night we both said a lot of stuff we didn't mean.

Heather, I think last night we both said a lot of stuff we didn't mean.

Did we?

Did we?

How the hell did you get in here?

How the hell did you get in here?

Um... Veronica knew you'd have a hangover,

Um... Veronica knew you'd have a hangover,

Um... Veronica knew you'd have a hangover,

so I whipped this up for you.

so I whipped this up for you.

It's a family recipe.

It's a family recipe.

What did you do, put a phlegm globber in it, or something?

What did you do, put a phlegm globber in it, or something?

I'm not going to drink that piss.

I'm not going to drink that piss.

I'm not going to drink that piss.

I knew this stuff would be too intense for her.

I knew this stuff would be too intense for her.

Intense.

Grow up.

Grow up.

You think I'll drink it just because you call me chicken?

You think I'll drink it just because you call me chicken?

Just give me the cup, jerk.

(STOMACH GROWLING)

(STOMACH GROWLING)

(CHOKING)

(CHOKING)

(COUGHING)

(COUGHING)

Corn nuts.

Corn nuts.

(GLASS SHATTERING)

(GLASS SHATTERING)

(BOTH BREATHING HEAVILY)

(BOTH BREATHING HEAVILY)

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

I can't believe it.

I can't believe it.

I just killed my best friend.

I just killed my best friend.

And your worst enemy.

And your worst enemy.

Same difference.

Same difference.

Oh...

Oh...

What are we going to tell the cops?

"Fuck it if she can't take a joke, Sarge"?

"Fuck it if she can't take a joke, Sarge"?

Cops.

Cops.

Cops.

I can't believe this is my life.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

I'm going to have to send my SAT scores

I'm going to have to send my SAT scores

to San Quentin instead of Stanford.

to San Quentin instead of Stanford.

to San Quentin instead of Stanford.

All right, just a little freaked, here.

All right, just a little freaked, here.

At least you got what you wanted, you know?

At least you got what you wanted, you know?

Got what I wanted?

Got what I wanted?

It is one thing to want somebody out of your life,

It is one thing to want somebody out of your life,

it is another thing to serve them a wake-up cup full of liquid drainer.

it is another thing to serve them a wake-up cup full of liquid drainer.

it is another thing to serve them a wake-up cup full of liquid drainer.

VERONICA: Oh, my God.

(MUTTERING)

(MUTTERING)

Yeah.

Yeah.

All right, we did a murder and that's a crime,

All right, we did a murder and that's a crime,

All right, we did a murder and that's a crime,

but if this were like a suicide thing, you know?

but if this were like a suicide thing, you know?

but if this were like a suicide thing, you know?

but if this were like a suicide thing, you know?

Like a suicide thing?

Like a suicide thing?

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

I mean, you can do Heather's handwriting as well as your own, right?

I mean, you can do Heather's handwriting as well as your own, right?

I mean, you can do Heather's handwriting as well as your own, right?

Right?

Right?

-Yeah. -All right.

-Yeah. -All right.

-Yeah. -All right.

(WHISPERING) What the hell do we write?

(WHISPERING) What the hell do we write?

"You might think what I've done is shocking."

"You might think what I've done is shocking."

Yeah.

"To me, though, suicide is the natural answer

"To me, though, suicide is the natural answer

"to the myriad of problems life has given me."

"to the myriad of problems life has given me."

That's good, but Heather would never use the word "myriad."

That's good, but Heather would never use the word "myriad."

That's good, but Heather would never use the word "myriad."

This is the last thing she'll ever write,

she's going to want to cash in on as many 50-cent words as possible.

she's going to want to cash in on as many 50-cent words as possible.

she's going to want to cash in on as many 50-cent words as possible.

Yeah, but she missed myriad on the vocab test two weeks ago.

Yeah, but she missed myriad on the vocab test two weeks ago.

Yeah, but she missed myriad on the vocab test two weeks ago.

That only proves my point more.

That only proves my point more.

The word is a badge for her failures at school.

The word is a badge for her failures at school.

Oh. Okay, you're probably right.

Oh. Okay, you're probably right.

Oh. Okay, you're probably right.

"People think just because you're beautiful and popular,

"People think just because you're beautiful and popular,

"People think just because you're beautiful and popular,

"People think just because you're beautiful and popular,

"life is easy and fun."

"life is easy and fun."

"life is easy and fun."

-Yeah. -Uh...

-Yeah. -Uh...

"No one understood I had feelings too.

"No one understood I had feelings too.

"No one understood I had feelings too.

"No one understood I had feelings too.

"I die knowing no one knew the real me."

"I die knowing no one knew the real me."

That's good.

That's good.

Have you done this before?

Have you done this before?

Any other principal would take the same position,

Any other principal would take the same position,

keep things business as usual.

keep things business as usual.

Heather Chandler's not your everyday suicide. She was very popular.

Heather Chandler's not your everyday suicide. She was very popular.

Heather Chandler's not your everyday suicide. She was very popular.

Come on, Paul, if I let these kids out before lunch,

Come on, Paul, if I let these kids out before lunch,

the switchboard would light up like a Christmas tree.

the switchboard would light up like a Christmas tree.

the switchboard would light up like a Christmas tree.

I must say, I was impressed to see that she made proper use of the word myriad

I must say, I was impressed to see that she made proper use of the word myriad

I must say, I was impressed to see that she made proper use of the word myriad

in her suicide note.

I find it profoundly disturbing

I find it profoundly disturbing

I find it profoundly disturbing

that we're told of the tragic destruction of youth

that we're told of the tragic destruction of youth

that we're told of the tragic destruction of youth

and all we can think to talk about

and all we can think to talk about

is adequate mourning times and misused vocabulary words.

is adequate mourning times and misused vocabulary words.

is adequate mourning times and misused vocabulary words.

Oh, Christ!

Oh, Christ!

We must revel in this revealing moment.

We must revel in this revealing moment.

We must revel in this revealing moment.

Look, I suggest that we get everybody together,

Look, I suggest that we get everybody together,

both students and teachers, in the cafeteria

both students and teachers, in the cafeteria

and just talk and feel,

and just talk and feel,

and just talk and feel,

together.

together.

Thank you, Ms. Fleming. You call me when the shuttle lands.

Thank you, Ms. Fleming. You call me when the shuttle lands.

Thank you, Ms. Fleming. You call me when the shuttle lands.

Now, is this Heather the cheerleader?

Now, is this Heather the cheerleader?

PAUL: That would be Heather McNamara.

PAUL: That would be Heather McNamara.

Damn. I'd be willing to go half a day for a cheerleader.

Damn. I'd be willing to go half a day for a cheerleader.

Damn. I'd be willing to go half a day for a cheerleader.

God, it's unfair. It's just so unfair.

God, it's unfair. It's just so unfair.

God, it's unfair. It's just so unfair.

We should get off a whole week, not just an hour.

We should get off a whole week, not just an hour.

We should get off a whole week, not just an hour.

Write the school board.

Write the school board.

Watch it, Heather, you might be digesting food, there.

Watch it, Heather, you might be digesting food, there.

Yeah, where's your urge to purge?

Yeah, where's your urge to purge?

Fuck it.

Fuck it.

HEATHER McNAMARA: Look...

Heather left behind one of her Swatches.

She'd want you to have it, Veronica.

She'd want you to have it, Veronica.

She always said you couldn't accessorize for shit.

She always said you couldn't accessorize for shit.

Sorry to hear about your friend.

Sorry to hear about your friend.

I thought she was your usual airhead bitch.

I thought she was your usual airhead bitch.

Guess I was wrong.

Guess I was wrong.

We all were.

We all were.

HEATHER McNAMARA: What a waste.

Oh, the humanity.

Oh, the humanity.

Veronica?

Veronica?

(WATER TRICKLING)

(WATER TRICKLING)

Veronica, what are you doing?

Veronica, what are you doing?

Veronica, what are you doing?

I'm just so thrilled

I'm just so thrilled

I'm just so thrilled

to finally have an example of the profound sensitivity

to finally have an example of the profound sensitivity

of which a human animal is capable.

of which a human animal is capable.

That example is Heather Chandler.

That example is Heather Chandler.

I have her note.

ALL: Ooh!

ALL: Ooh!

PAULINE: Now, I'm gonna pass this note around the class

PAULINE: Now, I'm gonna pass this note around the class

PAULINE: Now, I'm gonna pass this note around the class

so you can all feel its pathetic beauty for yourself.

so you can all feel its pathetic beauty for yourself.

And while we do this,

And while we do this,

I think it's a good opportunity to share the

I think it's a good opportunity to share the

I think it's a good opportunity to share the

feelings that this suicide has spurred in all of us.

feelings that this suicide has spurred in all of us.

feelings that this suicide has spurred in all of us.

Now, who would like to begin?

Now, who would like to begin?

I heard it was really gnarly.

I heard it was really gnarly.

She sucked down a bowl of multi-purpose deodorizing disinfectant and then smash!

She sucked down a bowl of multi-purpose deodorizing disinfectant and then smash!

She sucked down a bowl of multi-purpose deodorizing disinfectant and then smash!

She sucked down a bowl of multi-purpose deodorizing disinfectant and then smash!

Now, Tracy, let's not rehash the coroner's report.

Now, Tracy, let's not rehash the coroner's report.

Let's talk emotions.

Let's talk emotions.

Um, Heather and I used to go out

Um, Heather and I used to go out

but she said I was boring.

but she said I was boring.

But now I realize I really wasn't boring,

But now I realize I really wasn't boring,

But now I realize I really wasn't boring,

it's just that she was dissatisfied with her life.

it's just that she was dissatisfied with her life.

That's very good, Peter.

That's very good, Peter.

That's very good, Peter.

(LAUGHING)

(CRYING)

(CRYING)

Are we going to be tested on this?

You know, we were the same size,

You know, we were the same size,

so sometimes we could borrow each other's clothes and mix it up. It was fun.

so sometimes we could borrow each other's clothes and mix it up. It was fun.

so sometimes we could borrow each other's clothes and mix it up. It was fun.

I remember I won her a rhino at the 4-H Club.

I remember I won her a rhino at the 4-H Club.

I remember I won her a rhino at the 4-H Club.

You're an asshole. Mute him.

You're an asshole. Mute him.

You're an asshole. Mute him.

You know, we liked the same kind of clothes.

Heather, how many networks did you run to?

Heather, how many networks did you run to?

Heather, how many networks did you run to?

It's just not going to be the same here without her.

It's just not going to be the same here without her.

What are you talking about? You hated her. She hated you.

What are you talking about? You hated her. She hated you.

What are you talking about? You hated her. She hated you.

Every English class I looked forward to seeing her.

Every English class I looked forward to seeing her.

Every English class I looked forward to seeing her.

Heather Chandler is more popular than ever now.

Heather Chandler is more popular than ever now.

-Scary stuff. -Yeah.

-Scary stuff. -Yeah.

Hey, son, I didn't hear you come in.

Hey, son, I didn't hear you come in.

Hey, son, I didn't hear you come in.

Hey, Dad, how was work today?

Hey, Dad, how was work today?

It was miserable.

It was miserable.

Some damn tribe of withered old bitches

Some damn tribe of withered old bitches

doesn't want us to terminate that fleabag hotel.

doesn't want us to terminate that fleabag hotel.

doesn't want us to terminate that fleabag hotel.

(GRUNTS)

All because Glenn Miller and his band once took a shit there.

All because Glenn Miller and his band once took a shit there.

All because Glenn Miller and his band once took a shit there.

Just like Kansas. You remember fucking Kansas?

Just like Kansas. You remember fucking Kansas?

Just like Kansas. You remember fucking Kansas?

Yeah, that was the one with the wheat, right?

Yeah, that was the one with the wheat, right?

Yeah. Save the Memorial Oak Tree Society.

Yeah. Save the Memorial Oak Tree Society.

(CHUCKLES) Showed those fucks.

(CHUCKLES) Showed those fucks.

(CHUCKLES) Showed those fucks.

Yeah. Thirty of those 4th of July fireworks attached to the trunk.

Yeah. Thirty of those 4th of July fireworks attached to the trunk.

Arraigned but acquitted.

Arraigned but acquitted.

Arraigned but acquitted.

Gosh, Pop, I almost forgot to introduce my girlfriend.

Gosh, Pop, I almost forgot to introduce my girlfriend.

Oh. Veronica, this is my dad.

Oh. Veronica, this is my dad.

Oh. Veronica, this is my dad.

Dad, Veronica.

Dad, Veronica.

Hi.

Son, why don't you ask your little friend to stay for dinner?

Son, why don't you ask your little friend to stay for dinner?

Son, why don't you ask your little friend to stay for dinner?

I can't. My mom's making my favorite meal tonight.

I can't. My mom's making my favorite meal tonight.

I can't. My mom's making my favorite meal tonight.

Spaghetti, lots of oregano.

Spaghetti, lots of oregano.

How nice.

How nice.

The last time I saw my mom she was waving from a library window in Texas.

The last time I saw my mom she was waving from a library window in Texas.

The last time I saw my mom she was waving from a library window in Texas.

The last time I saw my mom she was waving from a library window in Texas.

Right, Dad?

Right...

Son.

Son.

Right.

Take a break, Veronica. Sit down.

Take a break, Veronica. Sit down.

So, what was the first day after Heather's suicide like?

So, what was the first day after Heather's suicide like?

I don't know, it was okay, I guess.

I don't know, it was okay, I guess.

VERONICA'S MOM: Terrible thing.

VERONICA'S MOM: Terrible thing.

So, will we get to meet this dark horse prom contender?

So, will we get to meet this dark horse prom contender?

So, will we get to meet this dark horse prom contender?

Maybe.

Maybe.

Goddamn, will somebody tell me why I smoke these damn things?

Goddamn, will somebody tell me why I smoke these damn things?

Goddamn, will somebody tell me why I smoke these damn things?

Because you're an idiot.

Because you're an idiot.

Oh, yeah. That's it.

Oh, yeah. That's it.

You two.

You two.

Great pate, but I'm gonna have to motor if want to be ready for that funeral.

Great pate, but I'm gonna have to motor if want to be ready for that funeral.

Great pate, but I'm gonna have to motor if want to be ready for that funeral.

PRIEST: I blame not Heather,

but rather a society

but rather a society

that tells its youth

that tells its youth

that the answers can be found in the MTV video games.

that the answers can be found in the MTV video games.

that the answers can be found in the MTV video games.

that the answers can be found in the MTV video games.

We must pray that the other teenagers of Sherwood, Ohio,

We must pray that the other teenagers of Sherwood, Ohio,

We must pray that the other teenagers of Sherwood, Ohio,

know the name of that righteous dude

know the name of that righteous dude

who can solve their problems.

who can solve their problems.

who can solve their problems.

It's Jesus Christ and he's in the book.

It's Jesus Christ and he's in the book.

It's Jesus Christ and he's in the book.

ALL: Amen.

ALL: Amen.

HEATHER McNAMARA: Oh God, this is a tragic thing

HEATHER McNAMARA: Oh God, this is a tragic thing

HEATHER McNAMARA: Oh God, this is a tragic thing

and sometimes I have a hard time dealing with it, and stuff.

and sometimes I have a hard time dealing with it, and stuff.

Please send Heather to heaven, and all that.

Please send Heather to heaven, and all that.

PETER: Dear God, please make sure this never happens to me,

PETER: Dear God, please make sure this never happens to me,

PETER: Dear God, please make sure this never happens to me,

because I don't think I can handle suicide.

because I don't think I can handle suicide.

Fast, early acceptance into an Ivy League school and please, let it be Harvard. Amen.

Fast, early acceptance into an Ivy League school and please, let it be Harvard. Amen.

Fast, early acceptance into an Ivy League school and please, let it be Harvard. Amen.

RAM: Jesus, God in heaven, why'd you have to kill such hot snatch?

RAM: Jesus, God in heaven, why'd you have to kill such hot snatch?

RAM: Jesus, God in heaven, why'd you have to kill such hot snatch?

RAM: Jesus, God in heaven, why'd you have to kill such hot snatch?

It's a joke, man. Jeez, people are so serious.

It's a joke, man. Jeez, people are so serious.

It's a joke, man. Jeez, people are so serious.

Hail Mary, who aren't in heaven,

Hail Mary, who aren't in heaven,

pray for all us sinners so we don't get caught.

pray for all us sinners so we don't get caught.

Another joke, man.

Another joke, man.

HEATHER DUKE: I prayed for the death of Heather Chandler many times.

HEATHER DUKE: I prayed for the death of Heather Chandler many times.

HEATHER DUKE: I prayed for the death of Heather Chandler many times.

And I felt bad every time I did it but I kept doing it anyway.

And I felt bad every time I did it but I kept doing it anyway.

And I felt bad every time I did it but I kept doing it anyway.

Now I know you understood everything.

Now I know you understood everything.

Praise Jesus. Hallelujah.

Praise Jesus. Hallelujah.

VERONICA: Hi. I'm sorry.

VERONICA: Hi. I'm sorry.

Technically, I did not kill Heather Chandler, but, hey, who am I trying to kid, right?

Technically, I did not kill Heather Chandler, but, hey, who am I trying to kid, right?

Technically, I did not kill Heather Chandler, but, hey, who am I trying to kid, right?

Technically, I did not kill Heather Chandler, but, hey, who am I trying to kid, right?

I just want my high school to be a nice place.

I just want my high school to be a nice place.

I just want my high school to be a nice place.

Amen.

Amen.

Did that sound bitchy?

Did that sound bitchy?

Veronica, what are you doing tonight?

Veronica, what are you doing tonight?

Veronica, what are you doing tonight?

I don't know. Mourning. Maybe watch some TV. Why?

I don't know. Mourning. Maybe watch some TV. Why?

I don't know. Mourning. Maybe watch some TV. Why?

Well, Ram asked me out tonight

Well, Ram asked me out tonight

Well, Ram asked me out tonight

but he wants to double with Kurt,

but he wants to double with Kurt,

and Kurt doesn't have a date.

and Kurt doesn't have a date.

and Kurt doesn't have a date.

Heather, I have something going with J.D.

Heather, I have something going with J.D.

Please, Veronica. Put Billy the Kid on hold tonight.

Please, Veronica. Put Billy the Kid on hold tonight.

I'll be your best friend.

I'll be your best friend.

So we on tonight, man, or what?

So we on tonight, man, or what?

I don't know.

I still got to talk to Heather, dude.

I still got to talk to Heather, dude.

Weird funeral, huh?

Weird funeral, huh?

That pudwapper just stepped on my foot.

That pudwapper just stepped on my foot.

-Let's kick his ass. -Cool off.

-Let's kick his ass. -Cool off.

-We're seniors. -Goddamn geek!

-We're seniors. -Goddamn geek!

-We're seniors. -Goddamn geek!

Ah. Well. Sit and spin.

Ah. Well. Sit and spin.

Ah. Well. Sit and spin.

That little prick.

That little prick.

BOTH: Whoa!

BOTH: Whoa!

You piece of shit fag. You like to suck big dicks?

You piece of shit fag. You like to suck big dicks?

Cut it out.

Cut it out.

Say, "I like to suck big dicks."

Say, "I like to suck big dicks."

Leave him alone, Ram.

Leave him alone, Ram.

Say it.

Say it.

Say it!

Say it!

Okay, okay.

Okay, okay.

You like to suck big dicks. Ow!

You like to suck big dicks. Ow!

(GROANING)

(GROANING)

(GROANING)

I like to suck big dicks.

I like to suck big dicks.

Mmm! Mmm!

Mmm! Mmm!

I can't get enough of 'em. Are you satisfied?

I can't get enough of 'em. Are you satisfied?

I can't get enough of 'em. Are you satisfied?

Don't worry. Ram's been so sweet lately, consoling me and stuff.

Don't worry. Ram's been so sweet lately, consoling me and stuff.

Don't worry. Ram's been so sweet lately, consoling me and stuff.

It'll be really very. Promise.

It'll be really very. Promise.

It'll be really very. Promise.

Okay. Just as long as it's not going to be one of those nights

Okay. Just as long as it's not going to be one of those nights

where they get shitfaced and take us to a pasture to tip cows.

where they get shitfaced and take us to a pasture to tip cows.

where they get shitfaced and take us to a pasture to tip cows.

(COWS MOOING)

(COWS MOOING)

(DRUNKEN GIGGLING)

(DRUNKEN GIGGLING)

-Is it sleeping, dude? -I think so, man.

-Is it sleeping, dude? -I think so, man.

(LAUGHING)

(LAUGHING)

Shh!

Shh!

Come here.

Come here.

Oh, shit. Cow tipping is the fucking greatest! Punch it in.

Oh, shit. Cow tipping is the fucking greatest! Punch it in.

Oh, shit. Cow tipping is the fucking greatest! Punch it in.

Ow.

Ow.

KURT: Shit. On the count of three, guy.

KURT: Shit. On the count of three, guy.

KURT: Shit. On the count of three, guy.

One,

One,

two...

-Three! -(MOOING)

(STRUGGLING)

When I get that feeling, I need sexual healing.

When I get that feeling, I need sexual healing.

When I get that feeling, I need sexual healing.

Yeah, right, asshole.

Yeah, right, asshole.

J.D.: What is this shit?

Doing a favor for Heather. Double date.

Doing a favor for Heather. Double date.

I tried to tell you at the funeral but you rode off.

I tried to tell you at the funeral but you rode off.

Another fucking Heather.

Another fucking Heather.

(J.D. SIGHS)

(J.D. SIGHS)

I'm sorry. I'm feeling a little superior tonight.

I'm sorry. I'm feeling a little superior tonight.

I'm sorry. I'm feeling a little superior tonight.

Seven schools in seven states

Seven schools in seven states

and the only thing different is my locker combination.

and the only thing different is my locker combination.

Our love is God. Let's go get a Slushie.

Our love is God. Let's go get a Slushie.

Our love is God. Let's go get a Slushie.

I'm not belittling the foodless fund, Peter,

I'm not belittling the foodless fund, Peter,

it's just that we're talking teen suicide here.

it's just that we're talking teen suicide here.

I mean, ask Allison. The number one song in America today

I mean, ask Allison. The number one song in America today

is Teenage Suicide (Don't Do It) by Big Fun.

is Teenage Suicide (Don't Do It) by Big Fun.

is Teenage Suicide (Don't Do It) by Big Fun.

Jesus, man, Westerburg finally got one of these things and I'm not gonna blow it.

Jesus, man, Westerburg finally got one of these things and I'm not gonna blow it.

Jesus, man, Westerburg finally got one of these things and I'm not gonna blow it.

Great. So Heather gets the front page

Great. So Heather gets the front page

and I get crammed in by the Taco Bell coupon.

and I get crammed in by the Taco Bell coupon.

Hi, guys. I came to check up on this week's lunchtime poll topic.

Hi, guys. I came to check up on this week's lunchtime poll topic.

Hi, guys. I came to check up on this week's lunchtime poll topic.

Hi, guys. I came to check up on this week's lunchtime poll topic.

Hey, don't worry about it, Veronica. Sit down, huh?

Hey, don't worry about it, Veronica. Sit down, huh?

That funeral yesterday must have really been rough, huh?

That funeral yesterday must have really been rough, huh?

That funeral yesterday must have really been rough, huh?

Oh, yeah. Yeah.

Oh, yeah. Yeah.

We were wondering if you had any poems, artwork that Heather did

We were wondering if you had any poems, artwork that Heather did

We were wondering if you had any poems, artwork that Heather did

that we can put in the Heather Chandler yearbook spread?

that we can put in the Heather Chandler yearbook spread?

that we can put in the Heather Chandler yearbook spread?

The what?

Well, take a look.

Well, take a look.

It's a two-page layout with her suicide note right up here in the corner.

It's a two-page layout with her suicide note right up here in the corner.

It's a two-page layout with her suicide note right up here in the corner.

It's a two-page layout with her suicide note right up here in the corner.

It's more tasteful than it sounds.

It's more tasteful than it sounds.

I don't know, Dennis, this stuff leaves a bad taste in my mouth.

I don't know, Dennis, this stuff leaves a bad taste in my mouth.

I don't know, Dennis, this stuff leaves a bad taste in my mouth.

Like last night, Veronica?

Like last night, Veronica?

Excuse me? I don't get it.

Excuse me? I don't get it.

Oh, you did last night.

Oh, you did last night.

Kurt told us of your little date.

Kurt told us of your little date.

Yeah, and? I left him drunk and flailing in cow shit.

Yeah, and? I left him drunk and flailing in cow shit.

Yeah, and? I left him drunk and flailing in cow shit.

Well, I don't know. He was really detailed.

Well, I don't know. He was really detailed.

Shut up, Courtney.

Shut up, Courtney.

No, don't shut up. I'd like to know exactly what I did.

No, don't shut up. I'd like to know exactly what I did.

No, don't shut up. I'd like to know exactly what I did.

Come on, Veronica. I'll show you the lunchtime poll topic.

Come on, Veronica. I'll show you the lunchtime poll topic.

Come on, Veronica. I'll show you the lunchtime poll topic.

What the fuck?

What the fuck?

Okay, now I rarely listen to Neanderthals like Kurt Kelly,

Okay, now I rarely listen to Neanderthals like Kurt Kelly,

Okay, now I rarely listen to Neanderthals like Kurt Kelly,

but he said that he and Ram had a nice little sword fight in your mouth last night.

but he said that he and Ram had a nice little sword fight in your mouth last night.

but he said that he and Ram had a nice little sword fight in your mouth last night.

You know what I mean? Hmm?

Ew!

Ew!

That son of a bitch!

That son of a bitch!

Hi, Kurt?

Hi, this is Veronica Sawyer.

Hi, this is Veronica Sawyer.

Hi, this is Veronica Sawyer.

Yeah, I didn't expect to be calling either. I guess my emotions took over.

Yeah, I didn't expect to be calling either. I guess my emotions took over.

Yeah, I didn't expect to be calling either. I guess my emotions took over.

I was wondering if you wanted all those things

I was wondering if you wanted all those things

I was wondering if you wanted all those things

you've been saying to really happen.

you've been saying to really happen.

It's always been a fantasy of mine to have two guys at once.

It's always been a fantasy of mine to have two guys at once.

It's always been a fantasy of mine to have two guys at once.

Oh, sure, you can write to Penthouse Forum.

Oh, sure, you can write to Penthouse Forum.

(J.D. LAUGHS)

Yeah, in the woods behind the school.

Yeah, in the woods behind the school.

At dawn.

Don't forget Ram.

Don't forget Ram.

(DIAL TONE)

(DIAL TONE)

I don't get the point of me writing a suicide note

I don't get the point of me writing a suicide note

when we're just going to be shooting them with blanks.

when we're just going to be shooting them with blanks.

Well, we're not gonna be using blanks this time.

Well, we're not gonna be using blanks this time.

You can't be serious.

You can't be serious.

I am.

I am.

Listen, my Bonnie and Clyde days are over.

Listen, my Bonnie and Clyde days are over.

Listen, my Bonnie and Clyde days are over.

Wait a second, wait a second. Do you take German?

Wait a second, wait a second. Do you take German?

French.

French.

All right. These are echt Luger bullets.

All right. These are echt Luger bullets.

My grandfather snared a shitload of them back in WWII.

My grandfather snared a shitload of them back in WWII.

My grandfather snared a shitload of them back in WWII.

They're like tranquillizers,

They're like tranquillizers,

only they break the surface of the skin enough to cause a little blood

only they break the surface of the skin enough to cause a little blood

only they break the surface of the skin enough to cause a little blood

but no real damage.

but no real damage.

So it looks like the person's been shot and killed

So it looks like the person's been shot and killed

So it looks like the person's been shot and killed

and really they're just lying there unconscious and bleeding?

and really they're just lying there unconscious and bleeding?

Oh.

Oh.

Right.

Right.

See, we shoot Kurt and Ram, make it look like they shot each other,

See, we shoot Kurt and Ram, make it look like they shot each other,

See, we shoot Kurt and Ram, make it look like they shot each other,

and by the time they regain consciousness,

and by the time they regain consciousness,

they'll be the laughing stock of the whole school.

they'll be the laughing stock of the whole school.

they'll be the laughing stock of the whole school.

The note's the punch line. How'd that turn out?

The note's the punch line. How'd that turn out?

First tell me the similarity is not incredible.

First tell me the similarity is not incredible.

First tell me the similarity is not incredible.

It's incredible similarity.

Okay. (CLEARS THROAT)

Okay. (CLEARS THROAT)

"Ram and I died the day we realized

"Ram and I died the day we realized

"we could never reveal our forbidden love

"we could never reveal our forbidden love

"to an uncaring and un-understanding world.

"to an uncaring and un-understanding world.

"The joy we shared in each other's arms

"The joy we shared in each other's arms

"was greater than any touchdown,

"was greater than any touchdown,

"yet we were forced to live the lie

"yet we were forced to live the lie

"of sexist, beer-guzzling, jock assholes."

"of sexist, beer-guzzling, jock assholes."

J.D.: That's perfect.

Let's take a look at some of the homosexual artifacts

Let's take a look at some of the homosexual artifacts

Let's take a look at some of the homosexual artifacts

I dug up to plant at the scene.

I dug up to plant at the scene.

All right. Got an issue of Stud Puppy.

All right. Got an issue of Stud Puppy.

All right. Got an issue of Stud Puppy.

That's great!

That's great!

A candy dish, a Joan Crawford postcard.

A candy dish, a Joan Crawford postcard.

A candy dish, a Joan Crawford postcard.

VERONICA: Good.

Let's see... Some mascara.

Let's see... Some mascara.

All right, now, here's the one perfecto thing I picked up.

All right, now, here's the one perfecto thing I picked up.

All right, now, here's the one perfecto thing I picked up.

Mineral water.

Mineral water.

Oh, come on, a lot of people drink mineral water. It's come a long way.

Oh, come on, a lot of people drink mineral water. It's come a long way.

Oh, come on, a lot of people drink mineral water. It's come a long way.

Yeah, but this is Ohio.

Yeah, but this is Ohio.

I mean, if you don't have a brewskie in your hand,

I mean, if you don't have a brewskie in your hand,

you might as well be wearing a dress.

you might as well be wearing a dress.

Oh, you're so smart.

Oh, you're so smart.

KURT: Hi, Veronica.

KURT: Hi, Veronica.

Hi, guys.

Glad you could make it.

Glad you could make it.

So should I just whip it out, or...

So should I just whip it out, or...

Well, I've made a circle on each side of the clearing.

Well, I've made a circle on each side of the clearing.

Ram, you come over here.

Ram, you come over here.

Kurt.

Kurt.

When you get to the circle, strip.

When you get to the circle, strip.

What about you?

What about you?

I was kind of hoping you could rip my clothes off me, sport.

I was kind of hoping you could rip my clothes off me, sport.

Oh.

Good idea.

Good idea.

Okay. Count of three, guys.

Okay. Count of three, guys.

Okay. Count of three, guys.

One,

One,

two...

two...

-Three! -(GUNSHOT)

-Three! -(GUNSHOT)

(SCREAMING)

Did you miss him completely?

Did you miss him completely?

Yeah, but don't worry. It was worth it just to see the look...

Yeah, but don't worry. It was worth it just to see the look...

Yeah, but don't worry. It was worth it just to see the look...

Don't move. I'll get him back.

Don't move. I'll get him back.

Ha-ha!

Ha-ha!

Now!

Now!

Hey, I heard it that time.

Hey, I heard it that time.

-What? -Another gunshot from the woods.

-What? -Another gunshot from the woods.

Oh, shit. Let's roll!

Oh, shit. Let's roll!

Oh, shit. Let's roll!

Kurt doesn't look too good.

Kurt doesn't look too good.

Just remember he's left-handed.

Just remember he's left-handed.

POLICE OFFICER: Keep going until you hit the clearing.

POLICE OFFICER: Keep going until you hit the clearing.

J.D.: Come on.

J.D.: Come on.

Mother of shit!

Mother of shit!

Call in.

Call in.

(RUSTLING)

Hey, I heard something out there.

Hey, I heard something out there.

I'm checking it out.

I'm checking it out.

Yeah, this is Officer McCord. I've got two dead bodies in the woods

Yeah, this is Officer McCord. I've got two dead bodies in the woods

Yeah, this is Officer McCord. I've got two dead bodies in the woods

behind Westerburg High.

behind Westerburg High.

Whoa, whoa! Oh!

Whoa, whoa! Oh!

McCORD ON RADIO: Milner, can you hear me? What's going down?

McCORD ON RADIO: Milner, can you hear me? What's going down?

Yeah, yeah. I think what I heard back there was just a bunny rabbit.

Yeah, yeah. I think what I heard back there was just a bunny rabbit.

Yeah, yeah. I think what I heard back there was just a bunny rabbit.

All I've got here is a couple of kids making out in a station wagon.

All I've got here is a couple of kids making out in a station wagon.

Should I pry 'em apart?

Should I pry 'em apart?

Should I pry 'em apart?

No, no, forget it. I got all the answers back here.

No, no, forget it. I got all the answers back here.

Hey...

Hey...

Are they naked?

Yeah, so what's the deal?

Yeah, so what's the deal?

Suicide. Double suicide. They shot each other.

Suicide. Double suicide. They shot each other.

Suicide. Double suicide. They shot each other.

Hey, that's Kurt Kelly.

Hey, that's Kurt Kelly.

McCORD: Yeah, and the linebacker, Ram Sweeney.

McCORD: Yeah, and the linebacker, Ram Sweeney.

My God, suicide. Why?

My God, suicide. Why?

Does this answer your question?

Does this answer your question?

Oh, man. They were fags.

Oh, man. They were fags.

Oh, man. They were fags.

Listen up. "We realized we could never reveal our forbidden love

Listen up. "We realized we could never reveal our forbidden love

Listen up. "We realized we could never reveal our forbidden love

"to an uncaring and un-understanding world."

"to an uncaring and un-understanding world."

"to an uncaring and un-understanding world."

Jesus H. Christ!

Jesus H. Christ!

The quarterback buggering the linebacker.

The quarterback buggering the linebacker.

The quarterback buggering the linebacker.

What a waste.

What a waste.

Oh, the humanity.

Oh, the humanity.

Oh.

There.

So we killed them, didn't we?

So we killed them, didn't we?

Yeah. Of course.

Yeah. Of course.

(SIGHS)

(SIGHS)

-(SIZZLING) -(SCREAMS)

-(SIZZLING) -(SCREAMS)

Echt Luger bullets. I'm such an idiot!

Echt Luger bullets. I'm such an idiot!

Look, you believed it because you wanted to believe it.

Look, you believed it because you wanted to believe it.

Look, you believed it because you wanted to believe it.

Your true feelings were too gross and icky for you to face.

Your true feelings were too gross and icky for you to face.

Your true feelings were too gross and icky for you to face.

I did not want them dead.

I did not want them dead.

You did too.

You did too.

-I did not. -Did too.

-I did not. -Did too.

-I did not. -Did too.

-I did not. -Did too.

-I did not! -Did too.

-I did not! -Did too.

-Did not! -Did too!

Did not! Did not! Did not!

Did not! Did not! Did not!

Shut up! I did not want them dead.

Shut up! I did not want them dead.

Come on, you did. You're just...

♪ Mary had a little lamb, little lamb, little lamb... ♪

♪ Mary had a little lamb, little lamb, little lamb... ♪

♪ Mary had a little lamb, little lamb, little lamb... ♪

(MUFFLED ARGUING)

(MUFFLED ARGUING)

Young love!

Young love!

Did you hear? School's canceled today because Kurt and Ram killed themselves

Did you hear? School's canceled today because Kurt and Ram killed themselves

Did you hear? School's canceled today because Kurt and Ram killed themselves

in a repressed homosexual suicide pact!

in a repressed homosexual suicide pact!

No way.

No way.

God!

God!

J.D.: The football season is over, Veronica.

J.D.: The football season is over, Veronica.

Kurt and Ram had nothing to offer the school

Kurt and Ram had nothing to offer the school

but date rapes and AIDS jokes.

but date rapes and AIDS jokes.

(SIGHS) Sure.

(SIGHS) Sure.

Can we make an ice run before the funeral?

Can we make an ice run before the funeral?

Can we make an ice run before the funeral?

MAN: If there's any way you can hear me, Kurt, buddy,

MAN: If there's any way you can hear me, Kurt, buddy,

I don't care that you really were some pansy.

I don't care that you really were some pansy.

You're my own flesh and blood

You're my own flesh and blood

and you made me proud.

and you made me proud.

My son's a homosexual and I love him.

My son's a homosexual and I love him.

I love my dead, gay son.

I love my dead, gay son.

How do you think he'd react to a son

How do you think he'd react to a son

that had a limp wrist with a pulse?

that had a limp wrist with a pulse?

(STIFLED LAUGHTER)

VERONICA: Dear Diary, my teen angst bullshit has a body count.

VERONICA: Dear Diary, my teen angst bullshit has a body count.

VERONICA: Dear Diary, my teen angst bullshit has a body count.

VERONICA: Dear Diary, my teen angst bullshit has a body count.

The most popular people in school are dead.

The most popular people in school are dead.

The most popular people in school are dead.

Everybody's sad, but it's a weird kind of sad.

Everybody's sad, but it's a weird kind of sad.

Everybody's sad, but it's a weird kind of sad.

Suicide gave Heather depth, Kurt a soul, Ram a brain.

Suicide gave Heather depth, Kurt a soul, Ram a brain.

Suicide gave Heather depth, Kurt a soul, Ram a brain.

I don't know what it's given me

but I've got no control over myself when I'm with J.D.

but I've got no control over myself when I'm with J.D.

but I've got no control over myself when I'm with J.D.

but I've got no control over myself when I'm with J.D.

Are we going to prom or to hell?

Are we going to prom or to hell?

Now, it seems we were in a similar position on Monday

Now, it seems we were in a similar position on Monday

Now, it seems we were in a similar position on Monday

Now, it seems we were in a similar position on Monday

when I thoughtfully suggested we get everybody together

when I thoughtfully suggested we get everybody together

for an unadulterated emotional outpouring, but no.

for an unadulterated emotional outpouring, but no.

for an unadulterated emotional outpouring, but no.

You took this as an opportunity to play yet another round

You took this as an opportunity to play yet another round

You took this as an opportunity to play yet another round

of "let's laugh at the hippie."

of "let's laugh at the hippie."

Pauline...

Shut up, Paul.

Now, I've seen a lot of bullshit.

Angel dust, switchblades,

Angel dust, switchblades,

sexually perverse photography exhibits involving tennis rackets.

sexually perverse photography exhibits involving tennis rackets.

sexually perverse photography exhibits involving tennis rackets.

But this suicide thing...

But this suicide thing...

I guess that's more on Pauline's wavelength.

I guess that's more on Pauline's wavelength.

I guess that's more on Pauline's wavelength.

Well, we're just going to write off today

Well, we're just going to write off today

and on Friday she can hold her little love-in or whatever.

and on Friday she can hold her little love-in or whatever.

and on Friday she can hold her little love-in or whatever.

and on Friday she can hold her little love-in or whatever.

Whatever.

Whatever.

Attention!

Attention!

May I have your attention, please?

May I have your attention, please?

This school has been torn apart by tragedy.

This school has been torn apart by tragedy.

This school has been torn apart by tragedy.

I'm here today to fuse it back again through togetherness.

I'm here today to fuse it back again through togetherness.

I'm here today to fuse it back again through togetherness.

I want everyone to clasp hands.

I want everyone to clasp hands.

I want everyone to clasp hands.

We need to connect this cafeteria into one mighty circuit!

We need to connect this cafeteria into one mighty circuit!

WOMAN: Excuse me, please.

WOMAN: Excuse me, please.

PAULINE: Hey, look! Here comes the TV crew!

PAULINE: Hey, look! Here comes the TV crew!

Lock your paws!

Lock your paws!

REPORTER: Miss Fleming, we're ready when you are.

REPORTER: Miss Fleming, we're ready when you are.

Hi, there.

Hi, there.

Come on. Let's go. Here.

Come on. Let's go. Here.

This will be on TV. Let's show them how you feel!

This will be on TV. Let's show them how you feel!

Looks like Miss Phlegm's on another one of her crusades.

Looks like Miss Phlegm's on another one of her crusades.

Looks like Miss Phlegm's on another one of her crusades.

With the usual success, of course.

With the usual success, of course.

Come on, freshmen, let's get up! On your feet!

Come on, freshmen, let's get up! On your feet!

Hi, what's your name?

Hi, what's your name?

Hi. I'm Heather Duke.

Hi. I'm Heather Duke.

Is this as good for you as it is for me?

Is this as good for you as it is for me?

Those fish sticks can wait. Let's go.

Those fish sticks can wait. Let's go.

Come on, kids!

Come on, kids!

The whole world is watching!

The whole world is watching!

The whole world is watching!

Put peer pressure out to pasture!

Put peer pressure out to pasture!

Show them that you care!

Show them that you care!

Greetings and salutations.

Greetings and salutations.

Greetings and salutations.

I'm going to need a VHS copy of all this by Monday for my Princeton application.

I'm going to need a VHS copy of all this by Monday for my Princeton application.

I'm going to need a VHS copy of all this by Monday for my Princeton application.

Uh-huh.

Uh-huh.

PAULINE: You can beat this, don't let suicide get you down!

PAULINE: You can beat this, don't let suicide get you down!

PAULINE: You can beat this, don't let suicide get you down!

VERONICA: That thing this afternoon,

VERONICA: That thing this afternoon,

VERONICA: That thing this afternoon,

I'm so angry, it was chaos, fucking chaos.

I'm so angry, it was chaos, fucking chaos.

What are you talking about, huh?

What are you talking about, huh?

I mean, today was great. Chaos was great.

I mean, today was great. Chaos was great.

I mean, today was great. Chaos was great.

Chaos is what killed the dinosaurs, darling.

Chaos is what killed the dinosaurs, darling.

Face it, our way is the way.

Face it, our way is the way.

I mean, we scare people into not being assholes.

I mean, we scare people into not being assholes.

Our way is not "our way."

Our way is not "our way."

Our way is not "our way."

Oh, yeah? Tell that to the judge, all right?

Oh, yeah? Tell that to the judge, all right?

Tell it to Kurt Kelly. Oh, God, Veronica...

Tell it to Kurt Kelly. Oh, God, Veronica...

I'm telling it to you.

I'm telling it to you.

God, you can be so immature.

God, you can be so immature.

God, you can be so immature.

Oh! You kids are making too much damn noise.

Oh! You kids are making too much damn noise.

We beat the bitches.

We beat the bitches.

Beautiful. The Beaver's home.

Beautiful. The Beaver's home.

Judge told them to slurp shit and die.

Judge told them to slurp shit and die.

Judge told them to slurp shit and die.

I put a Norwegian in the boiler room.

I put a Norwegian in the boiler room.

I put a Norwegian in the boiler room.

(GIGGLING) Masterful.

(GIGGLING) Masterful.

And then when that blew,

And then when that blew,

it set off a pack of thermals I stuck upstairs.

it set off a pack of thermals I stuck upstairs.

You know, some days it's great to be alive.

You know, some days it's great to be alive.

Stick it to those goddamn...

Stick it to those goddamn...

Do you like your father?

Do you like your father?

Never given the matter much thought.

Never given the matter much thought.

Liked my mother.

They said her death was an accident

They said her death was an accident

but she knew what she was doing.

but she knew what she was doing.

She walked into the building two minutes

She walked into the building two minutes

before my dad blew the place up.

before my dad blew the place up.

She waved at me and then...

She waved at me and then...

Boom.

Boom.

Boom.

RADIO ANNOUNCER: Dudes, if I get one more request for that Big Fun song,

RADIO ANNOUNCER: Dudes, if I get one more request for that Big Fun song,

I'm gonna commit suicide.

I'm gonna commit suicide.

Playing our song.

Playing our song.

Here it is. Teenage Suicide (Don't Do It).

Here it is. Teenage Suicide (Don't Do It).

(TURNS VOLUME UP)

(TURNS VOLUME UP)

That's it. We're breaking up.

That's it. We're breaking up.

What? You can't bring them back, you must know that.

What? You can't bring them back, you must know that.

What? You can't bring them back, you must know that.

I am not trying to bring anybody back except maybe myself.

I am not trying to bring anybody back except maybe myself.

I am not trying to bring anybody back except maybe myself.

No!

And to think there was a time when I actually thought you were cool!

And to think there was a time when I actually thought you were cool!

And to think there was a time when I actually thought you were cool!

Man, if you can't deal with me now, then just stay home and shoot your TV,

Man, if you can't deal with me now, then just stay home and shoot your TV,

blow up a couple toasters or something.

blow up a couple toasters or something.

blow up a couple toasters or something.

Just don't come to school and don't mess with me.

Just don't come to school and don't mess with me.

Just don't come to school and don't mess with me.

You'll be back.

You'll be back.

HEATHER DUKE: Me and Martha Dumptruck?

HEATHER DUKE: Me and Martha Dumptruck?

Where did you get this?

Where did you get this?

Where did you get this?

Oh, I just had the nicest little chat with Ms. Dumptruck.

Oh, I just had the nicest little chat with Ms. Dumptruck.

Oh, I just had the nicest little chat with Ms. Dumptruck.

Got along famously.

Got along famously.

It's kind of scary how everybody's got a little story to tell.

It's kind of scary how everybody's got a little story to tell.

It's kind of scary how everybody's got a little story to tell.

Want to see the canoeing shots?

Want to see the canoeing shots?

What is this? Blackmail?

What is this? Blackmail?

I'll give you a week's lunch money.

I'll give you a week's lunch money.

I don't want your money. I want your strength.

I don't want your money. I want your strength.

I don't want your money. I want your strength.

Westerburg does not need mushy togetherness,

Westerburg does not need mushy togetherness,

it needs a strong leader.

it needs a strong leader.

Heather Chandler was that leader, but...

Heather Chandler was that leader, but...

Heather Chandler was that leader, but...

But she couldn't handle it.

But she couldn't handle it.

I think you can.

I think you can.

Moby Dick is dunked.

Moby Dick is dunked.

The white whale drank some bad plankton and splashed through a coffee table,

The white whale drank some bad plankton and splashed through a coffee table,

The white whale drank some bad plankton and splashed through a coffee table,

and now it's your turn to take the helm.

and now it's your turn to take the helm.

and now it's your turn to take the helm.

What about the photographs?

What about the photographs?

Oh, don't worry. I'll ask you to do me a favor

Oh, don't worry. I'll ask you to do me a favor

Oh, don't worry. I'll ask you to do me a favor

and it'll be one you'll enjoy.

and it'll be one you'll enjoy.

And you'll get the negatives and everything back then.

And you'll get the negatives and everything back then.

But in the meantime, strength.

But in the meantime, strength.

But in the meantime, strength.

Here's a little gift...

Here's a little gift...

From Heather to Heather.

From Heather to Heather.

-Guess who. -Heather?

-Guess who. -Heather?

-Hello? -Hello, Betty? This is Veronica.

-Hello? -Hello, Betty? This is Veronica.

I don't believe it, I'm winning!

I don't believe it, I'm winning!

VERONICA: Don't you start getting cocky on me now, girl.

VERONICA: Don't you start getting cocky on me now, girl.

I really missed you.

I really missed you.

I know I'm not as exciting as your other friends.

I know I'm not as exciting as your other friends.

That is bullshit.

That is bullshit.

Shoot.

Shoot.

Shoot.

Did you know I'm still a virgin?

Did you know I'm still a virgin?

Okay, I French-kissed Al Springer once.

Okay, I French-kissed Al Springer once.

It was a total disaster.

It was a total disaster.

Shoot the ball.

Shoot the ball.

You know, Betty, your daydreams are a lot better than my realities, believe me.

You know, Betty, your daydreams are a lot better than my realities, believe me.

You know, Betty, your daydreams are a lot better than my realities, believe me.

You know, Betty, your daydreams are a lot better than my realities, believe me.

But now, prepare to die.

But now, prepare to die.

Ronnie!

Ronnie!

Well you're not just gonna go for those two shots.

Well you're not just gonna go for those two shots.

I mean, go ahead, knock me out. It's the only way to win.

I mean, go ahead, knock me out. It's the only way to win.

I mean, go ahead, knock me out. It's the only way to win.

It's not my style.

It's not my style.

Nice guys finish last, I should know.

Nice guys finish last, I should know.

Nice guys finish last, I should know.

Bravo.

Bravo.

Bravo.

Bravo.

Listen, I got to get home, okay?

Listen, I got to get home, okay?

-Okay. -Thanks.

-Okay. -Thanks.

Bye, Betty.

Bye, Betty.

Bye.

Bye.

Betty, leaving so soon?

Betty, leaving so soon?

I'm red.

I'm red.

PAULINE ON TV: The Westerburg suicides were tough on all of us,

PAULINE ON TV: The Westerburg suicides were tough on all of us,

PAULINE ON TV: The Westerburg suicides were tough on all of us,

but we shared the pain of losing three very popular students.

but we shared the pain of losing three very popular students.

but we shared the pain of losing three very popular students.

I came into the cafeteria, asked them to hold hands...

I came into the cafeteria, asked them to hold hands...

I came into the cafeteria, asked them to hold hands...

Hey, isn't that that flake we met at the open house?

Hey, isn't that that flake we met at the open house?

Hey, isn't that that flake we met at the open house?

In a burst of cleansing synchronicity,

In a burst of cleansing synchronicity,

TV cameras happened onto our path and captured...

TV cameras happened onto our path and captured...

Cleansing synchronicity?

Cleansing synchronicity?

...emotional outpouring of emotion.

...emotional outpouring of emotion.

VERONICA: Outpouring of emotion?

VERONICA: Outpouring of emotion?

VERONICA'S DAD: Ha! Look! There's Heather.

VERONICA'S DAD: Ha! Look! There's Heather.

There's Heather. Where are you, Veronica?

There's Heather. Where are you, Veronica?

Before a teenager decides to kill himself,

Before a teenager decides to kill himself,

there are certain facts that he should know.

there are certain facts that he should know.

After all, this is a decision that affects all of us,

After all, this is a decision that affects all of us,

After all, this is a decision that affects all of us,

and there's only one chance to get it right.

and there's only one chance to get it right.

and there's only one chance to get it right.

(CAR HONKING AND SKIDDING)

(CAR HONKING AND SKIDDING)

Getting some supervision...

Getting some supervision...

Turn that back on.

Turn that back on.

Can't you see these little programs are eating suicide up with a spoon?

Can't you see these little programs are eating suicide up with a spoon?

Can't you see these little programs are eating suicide up with a spoon?

They're making it sound like it's a cool thing to do.

They're making it sound like it's a cool thing to do.

Are you trying to tell me it is not a time for troubled youth? Stand up straight.

Are you trying to tell me it is not a time for troubled youth? Stand up straight.

Are you trying to tell me it is not a time for troubled youth? Stand up straight.

All we want is to be treated like human beings,

All we want is to be treated like human beings,

not to be experimented on like guinea pigs or patronized like bunny rabbits.

not to be experimented on like guinea pigs or patronized like bunny rabbits.

not to be experimented on like guinea pigs or patronized like bunny rabbits.

I don't patronize bunny rabbits.

I don't patronize bunny rabbits.

Treated like human beings?

Treated like human beings?

Is that what you said, Little Miss Voice-of-a-generation?

Is that what you said, Little Miss Voice-of-a-generation?

Is that what you said, Little Miss Voice-of-a-generation?

Just how do you think adults act with other adults?

Just how do you think adults act with other adults?

Just how do you think adults act with other adults?

You think it's all just a game of doubles tennis?

You think it's all just a game of doubles tennis?

When teenagers complain that they want to be treated like human beings,

When teenagers complain that they want to be treated like human beings,

When teenagers complain that they want to be treated like human beings,

it's usually because they are being treated like human beings.

it's usually because they are being treated like human beings.

it's usually because they are being treated like human beings.

Yeah, well, I guess I picked the wrong time to be a human being.

Yeah, well, I guess I picked the wrong time to be a human being.

Yeah, well, I guess I picked the wrong time to be a human being.

Well, you'll live.

Well, you'll live.

Want some pate?

Want some pate?

Hi, everybody. Door was open.

Hi, everybody. Door was open.

Veronica, have you heard?

Veronica, have you heard?

We were doing Chinese at the food fair

We were doing Chinese at the food fair

when it comes over the radio that Martha Dumptruck tried to buy the farm.

when it comes over the radio that Martha Dumptruck tried to buy the farm.

when it comes over the radio that Martha Dumptruck tried to buy the farm.

She belly-flopped in front of a car wearing a suicide note.

She belly-flopped in front of a car wearing a suicide note.

She belly-flopped in front of a car wearing a suicide note.

Is she dead?

Is she dead?

No. That's the punch line. She's alive and in stable condition.

No. That's the punch line. She's alive and in stable condition.

No. That's the punch line. She's alive and in stable condition.

Just another case of a geek trying to imitate the popular people of the school

Just another case of a geek trying to imitate the popular people of the school

and failing miserably.

and failing miserably.

Is that pate?

Is that pate?

(SLAPS)

(SLAPS)

-VERONICA: I said I was sorry. -You were out of control.

-VERONICA: I said I was sorry. -You were out of control.

-VERONICA: I said I was sorry. -You were out of control.

I mean, Heather and Kurt were a shock, but Martha Dumptruck?

I mean, Heather and Kurt were a shock, but Martha Dumptruck?

Get crucial. She dialed suicide hotlines in her diapers.

Get crucial. She dialed suicide hotlines in her diapers.

You're not funny.

You're not funny.

Look, Martha couldn't take the heat, so she got out of the kitchen.

Look, Martha couldn't take the heat, so she got out of the kitchen.

Look, Martha couldn't take the heat, so she got out of the kitchen.

Look, Martha couldn't take the heat, so she got out of the kitchen.

Just think what a better place this world would be if every nimrod followed her cue.

Just think what a better place this world would be if every nimrod followed her cue.

Just think what a better place this world would be if every nimrod followed her cue.

Just shut up. Hot Probs is on.

Just shut up. Hot Probs is on.

Oh, shit. Yeah.

Oh, shit. Yeah.

DJ: I mean, like, Skipper's okay, but still, sometimes I feel like I'm on that island

DJ: I mean, like, Skipper's okay, but still, sometimes I feel like I'm on that island

DJ: I mean, like, Skipper's okay, but still, sometimes I feel like I'm on that island

DJ: I mean, like, Skipper's okay, but still, sometimes I feel like I'm on that island

and Gilligan can just be so stupid sometimes...

and Gilligan can just be so stupid sometimes...

Just remember, you know, If it wasn't for the courage of the fearless crew,

Just remember, you know, If it wasn't for the courage of the fearless crew,

Just remember, you know, If it wasn't for the courage of the fearless crew,

the Minnow would be lost, and you are too.

the Minnow would be lost, and you are too.

the Minnow would be lost, and you are too.

-Next call. -That sounded like a good one.

-Next call. -That sounded like a good one.

Hey, you've got the dog-catcher.

Hey, you've got the dog-catcher.

Hey, you've got the dog-catcher.

WOMAN: My name is Heather. No, it's not Heather.

WOMAN: My name is Heather. No, it's not Heather.

WOMAN: My name is Heather. No, it's not Heather.

No, it...

No, it...

It's Madonna. Geez. No, not that.

It's Madonna. Geez. No, not that.

It's Madonna. Geez. No, not that.

Hey, babe, I need a name.

Hey, babe, I need a name.

Hey, babe, I need a name.

(BIRD TWEETS)

(BIRD TWEETS)

My name is Tweety.

DJ: "Tweety?"

DJ: "Tweety?"

Ooh, tweet!

Ooh, tweet!

God has cursed me, I think.

God has cursed me, I think.

The last guy I had sex with killed himself the next day.

The last guy I had sex with killed himself the next day.

The last guy I had sex with killed himself the next day.

I'm failing math.

I'm failing math.

My whole life is a mess.

My whole life is a mess.

I was supposed to be captain of the cheerleading team...

I was supposed to be captain of the cheerleading team...

I was supposed to be captain of the cheerleading team...

Oh man, she knows we listen to this show.

Oh man, she knows we listen to this show.

Holy shit! We'll crucify her.

Holy shit! We'll crucify her.

Holy shit! We'll crucify her.

My parents are divorced and stuff...

My parents are divorced and stuff...

My parents are divorced and stuff...

VERONICA: Heather told everyone about Heather.

VERONICA: Heather told everyone about Heather.

VERONICA: Heather told everyone about Heather.

Yes, dear Diary, I've cut off Heather Chandler's head

Yes, dear Diary, I've cut off Heather Chandler's head

Yes, dear Diary, I've cut off Heather Chandler's head

and Heather Duke's head has sprouted back in its place

and Heather Duke's head has sprouted back in its place

like some mythological thing

like some mythological thing

like some mythological thing

my eighth-grade boyfriend would have known about.

my eighth-grade boyfriend would have known about.

Heather's even doing the old note trick.

Heather's even doing the old note trick.

I've seen J.D.'s way.

I've seen J.D.'s way.

I've seen Miss Pauline Fleming's way,

I've seen Miss Pauline Fleming's way,

and nothing has changed.

and nothing has changed.

and nothing has changed.

I guess that's Heather's way.

I guess that's Heather's way.

And, Jesus, what about J.D.?

And, Jesus, what about J.D.?

I can't get him out of my head.

I can't get him out of my head.

Wait. Where's Heather going?

Wait. Where's Heather going?

Wait. Where's Heather going?

Where's Heather going?

Where's Heather going?

She's going to cry.

She's going to cry.

(CLASS LAUGHING)

Fucking child protector caps.

Fucking child protector caps.

TEACHER: Now where is she going?

TEACHER: Now where is she going?

(GRUNTING)

Heather!

Heather!

What are you trying to do? Kill me?

What are you trying to do? Kill me?

What are you trying to do? Sleep?

What are you trying to do? Sleep?

Suicide is a private thing.

Suicide is a private thing.

Heather, you're throwing your life away

Heather, you're throwing your life away

to become a statistic in the US- fucking- A Today.

to become a statistic in the US- fucking- A Today.

to become a statistic in the US- fucking- A Today.

Now that is about the least private thing I can think of.

Now that is about the least private thing I can think of.

What about Heather and Kurt and Ram?

What about Heather and Kurt and Ram?

If everyone jumped off a bridge, would you?

If everyone jumped off a bridge, would you?

Probably.

Hey now, if you were happy every day of your life,

Hey now, if you were happy every day of your life,

Hey now, if you were happy every day of your life,

you wouldn't be a human being, you'd be a game show host.

you wouldn't be a human being, you'd be a game show host.

you wouldn't be a human being, you'd be a game show host.

What do you say we knock off early, buy some shoes, something lame like that?

What do you say we knock off early, buy some shoes, something lame like that?

What do you say we knock off early, buy some shoes, something lame like that?

Okay.

Okay.

J.D.: So it's come to this.

Heather Chandler did polls,

Heather Chandler did polls,

I want you to do a petition, as a favor, as the favor.

I want you to do a petition, as a favor, as the favor.

I want you to do a petition, as a favor, as the favor.

I want you to do a petition, as a favor, as the favor.

You've heard of the group "Big Fun," right?

You've heard of the group "Big Fun," right?

That's right. Teenage Suicide (Don't Do It).

That's right. Teenage Suicide (Don't Do It).

That's right. Teenage Suicide (Don't Do It).

Right. Some teenybopper rag says that they want to play a prom.

Right. Some teenybopper rag says that they want to play a prom.

Right. Some teenybopper rag says that they want to play a prom.

Right. Some teenybopper rag says that they want to play a prom.

Now, it could be Westerburg's if we get everybody's John Hancock.

Now, it could be Westerburg's if we get everybody's John Hancock.

I'll get right on it, coach.

I'll get right on it, coach.

Oh. Little gift for you. I won't be needing it.

Oh. Little gift for you. I won't be needing it.

Oh. Little gift for you. I won't be needing it.

(INAUDIBLE)

(INAUDIBLE)

VERONICA: Heather?

Veronica.

Veronica.

Color me stoked, girl.

Color me stoked, girl.

I've gotten everyone to sign this petition,

I've gotten everyone to sign this petition,

even the ones who think Big Fun are tuneless Eurofags.

even the ones who think Big Fun are tuneless Eurofags.

(GIGGLING) People love me.

(GIGGLING) People love me.

You know, you haven't signed yet.

You know, you haven't signed yet.

People love you but I know you.

People love you but I know you.

People love you but I know you.

Jennifer Forbes told me the petition she signed

Jennifer Forbes told me the petition she signed

was to put a hot tub in the cafeteria and Doug Hilton said...

was to put a hot tub in the cafeteria and Doug Hilton said...

was to put a hot tub in the cafeteria and Doug Hilton said...

Some people need different kinds of convincing than others.

Some people need different kinds of convincing than others.

Look, just sign the petition, okay?

Don't talk to me like that, okay?

Don't talk to me like that, okay?

Look, it was J.D.'s idea.

Look, it was J.D.'s idea.

He made out the signature sheet and everything, so why don't you just sign it?

He made out the signature sheet and everything, so why don't you just sign it?

He made out the signature sheet and everything, so why don't you just sign it?

No.

No.

Jealous much?

Jealous much?

Heather, why can't you just be a friend?

Heather, why can't you just be a friend?

Why are you such a megabitch?

Why are you such a megabitch?

Because I can be.

Veronica, why are you pulling my dick?

Veronica, why are you pulling my dick?

Veronica, why are you pulling my dick?

Do you think... I mean, do you really think

Do you think... I mean, do you really think

if Betty Finn's fairy godmother made her cool,

if Betty Finn's fairy godmother made her cool,

she would still hang out with her dweebette friends?

she would still hang out with her dweebette friends?

(SCOFFS) No way, Veronica.

(SCOFFS) No way, Veronica.

Uh-uh.

Uh-uh.

J.D.: Want to go out tonight?

J.D.: Want to go out tonight?

Catch a movie, some miniature golf?

Catch a movie, some miniature golf?

Catch a movie, some miniature golf?

I was thinking more along the lines of slitting Heather Duke's wrists open,

I was thinking more along the lines of slitting Heather Duke's wrists open,

making it look like a suicide.

making it look like a suicide.

Now you're talking. I could be up for that.

Now you're talking. I could be up for that.

Now you're talking. I could be up for that.

I've already started underlining meaningful passages

I've already started underlining meaningful passages

in her copy of Moby Dick, if you know what I mean.

in her copy of Moby Dick, if you know what I mean.

I knew you'd be back, Veronica.

I knew you'd be back, Veronica.

I knew it. I was positive. I was sure.

I knew it. I was positive. I was sure.

Ooh.

It's over, J.D. Over.

It's over, J.D. Over.

Grow up!

Grow up!

I don't get it.

I don't get it.

I mean, you were wrong. I was right.

I mean, you were wrong. I was right.

Strength, damn it!

Strength, damn it!

Strength, damn it!

-(FOOTSTEPS RECEDING) -Come on, come back!

-(FOOTSTEPS RECEDING) -Come on, come back!

VERONICA: Yes?

VERONICA: Yes?

VERONICA'S MOM: Your friend Jason Dean stopped by.

VERONICA'S MOM: Your friend Jason Dean stopped by.

He seemed very concerned about you.

He seemed very concerned about you.

He said that he thought you might try to kill yourself.

He said that he thought you might try to kill yourself.

He said that he thought you might try to kill yourself.

You have been depressed lately.

Oh, he left this for you.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

He said that we should keep you away from sharp objects,

He said that we should keep you away from sharp objects,

He said that we should keep you away from sharp objects,

closed garage doors, chemical substances.

closed garage doors, chemical substances.

-Prescription drugs. -Prescription drugs.

-Prescription drugs. -Prescription drugs.

J.D.: "To neither love nor reverence wilt thou be kind,

J.D.: "To neither love nor reverence wilt thou be kind,

J.D.: "To neither love nor reverence wilt thou be kind,

"and even for hate thou canst but kill,

"and even for hate thou canst but kill,

"and even for hate thou canst but kill,

"and all are killed."

"and all are killed."

I like it.

I like it.

It's got that

It's got that

"what-a-cruel-world-so-let's- toss-ourselves-in-the-abyss"

"what-a-cruel-world-so-let's- toss-ourselves-in-the-abyss"

type of ambiance, huh?

type of ambiance, huh?

Come on. It's Heather's copy of Moby Dick.

Come on. It's Heather's copy of Moby Dick.

Why don't you give it a try? Underline something.

Why don't you give it a try? Underline something.

Get off of my bed, you fucking psycho!

Get off of my bed, you fucking psycho!

Get off of my bed, you fucking psycho!

You think you're a rebel? Do you actually think you're a rebel?

You think you're a rebel? Do you actually think you're a rebel?

You're not a rebel. You're fucking psychotic.

You're not a rebel. You're fucking psychotic.

You say "tom-ay-to," I say "tom-ah-to."

You say "tom-ay-to," I say "tom-ah-to."

You say "tom-ay-to," I say "tom-ah-to."

Hold it. "Eskimo." Look at that.

Hold it. "Eskimo." Look at that.

Hold it. "Eskimo." Look at that.

Hold it. "Eskimo." Look at that.

That's one word. I love it!

That's one word. I love it!

I usually go for the whole sentence myself, but this is perfecto.

I usually go for the whole sentence myself, but this is perfecto.

I usually go for the whole sentence myself, but this is perfecto.

I usually go for the whole sentence myself, but this is perfecto.

Eskimo, you know, it's so mysterious.

Eskimo, you know, it's so mysterious.

Eskimo.

Eskimo.

Come on.

Come on.

J.D., you are not even listening to me.

J.D., you are not even listening to me.

Nag, nag, nag, nag, nag!

Nag, nag, nag, nag, nag!

(STAMMERING) That knife is filthy.

(STAMMERING) That knife is filthy.

What do you think I'm going to do with it, take out her tonsils?

What do you think I'm going to do with it, take out her tonsils?

What do you think I'm going to do with it, take out her tonsils?

Excuse me, I think I know Heather a little bit better than you do.

Excuse me, I think I know Heather a little bit better than you do.

If she was going to slit her wrists, the knife would be spotless.

If she was going to slit her wrists, the knife would be spotless.

If she was going to slit her wrists, the knife would be spotless.

(SHARPENING KNIFE)

(SHARPENING KNIFE)

All right, how's this? Can you see your fucking reflection in the thing?

All right, how's this? Can you see your fucking reflection in the thing?

Tomorrow someone else is just gonna move into her place.

Tomorrow someone else is just gonna move into her place.

That person could be me.

That person could be me.

Ha! There's only one of us who knows how to do Heather's handwriting.

Ha! There's only one of us who knows how to do Heather's handwriting.

Ha! There's only one of us who knows how to do Heather's handwriting.

And if you think I'm gonna write another suicide note, you're wrong.

And if you think I'm gonna write another suicide note, you're wrong.

And if you think I'm gonna write another suicide note, you're wrong.

You don't get it, do you? Society nods its head

You don't get it, do you? Society nods its head

at any horror the American teenager can think to bring upon itself.

at any horror the American teenager can think to bring upon itself.

at any horror the American teenager can think to bring upon itself.

at any horror the American teenager can think to bring upon itself.

Nobody's going to care about exact handwriting. I mean, look.

Nobody's going to care about exact handwriting. I mean, look.

Nobody's going to care about exact handwriting. I mean, look.

Look.

Life sucks.

Life sucks.

(BREATHING HEAVILY)

(BREATHING HEAVILY)

It's perfecto.

It's perfecto.

Jesus, I've got a meaningfully marked-up Moby Dick.

Jesus, I've got a meaningfully marked-up Moby Dick.

Jesus, I've got a meaningfully marked-up Moby Dick.

What else does a suicide need, huh?

What else does a suicide need, huh?

Now, if you'll excuse me.

Now, if you'll excuse me.

VERONICA: No!

VERONICA: No!

Open the door!

Open the door!

Eskimo.

Eskimo.

Heather Duke underlined a lot of things in this copy of Moby Dick,

Heather Duke underlined a lot of things in this copy of Moby Dick,

Heather Duke underlined a lot of things in this copy of Moby Dick,

Heather Duke underlined a lot of things in this copy of Moby Dick,

but I believe the word "Eskimo,"

but I believe the word "Eskimo,"

but I believe the word "Eskimo,"

underlined all by itself,

underlined all by itself,

is the key to understanding Heather's pain.

is the key to understanding Heather's pain.

is the key to understanding Heather's pain.

On the surface, Heather Duke was the vivacious young lady

On the surface, Heather Duke was the vivacious young lady

On the surface, Heather Duke was the vivacious young lady

we all knew her to be.

we all knew her to be.

But her soul was in Antarctica,

But her soul was in Antarctica,

But her soul was in Antarctica,

freezing with the knowledge of the way fellow teenagers can be cruel,

freezing with the knowledge of the way fellow teenagers can be cruel,

freezing with the knowledge of the way fellow teenagers can be cruel,

freezing with the knowledge of the way fellow teenagers can be cruel,

the way that parents can be unresponsive.

the way that parents can be unresponsive.

the way that parents can be unresponsive.

And as she writes so eloquently in her suicide note,

And as she writes so eloquently in her suicide note,

And as she writes so eloquently in her suicide note,

the way that life can suck.

the way that life can suck.

We'll all miss Sherwood's little Eskimo.

We'll all miss Sherwood's little Eskimo.

Let's just hope she's rubbing noses with Jesus.

Let's just hope she's rubbing noses with Jesus.

Let's just hope she's rubbing noses with Jesus.

Is this turnout weak or what?

Is this turnout weak or what?

I had at least 70 more people at my funeral.

I had at least 70 more people at my funeral.

I had at least 70 more people at my funeral.

Heather?

Heather?

Oh, God, Veronica,

Oh, God, Veronica,

my afterlife is so boring.

my afterlife is so boring.

my afterlife is so boring.

If I have to sing Kumbaya one more time...

If I have to sing Kumbaya one more time...

What are you doing here?

I made your favorite...

Spaghetti.

Spaghetti.

Lots of oregano.

Lots of oregano.

Dinner!

Dinner!

VERONICA'S MOM: Veronica! Dinner!

VERONICA'S MOM: Veronica! Dinner!

VERONICA: Dear Diary, last entry.

VERONICA: Dear Diary, last entry.

No one can stop J.D.

No one can stop J.D.

Not the FBI, the CIA or the PTA.

Not the FBI, the CIA or the PTA.

Not the FBI, the CIA or the PTA.

He once told me that the extreme always makes an impression.

He once told me that the extreme always makes an impression.

He once told me that the extreme always makes an impression.

Well, now it's my turn.

Well, now it's my turn.

Well, now it's my turn.

Let's see how the son of a bitch reacts to a suicide he didn't perform himself.

Let's see how the son of a bitch reacts to a suicide he didn't perform himself.

Let's see how the son of a bitch reacts to a suicide he didn't perform himself.

I can't believe you did it.

I can't believe you did it.

I was teasing.

I was teasing.

I loved you.

Sure, I was coming up here to kill you.

Sure, I was coming up here to kill you.

Sure, I was coming up here to kill you.

First I was going to try and get you back with my amazing petition.

First I was going to try and get you back with my amazing petition.

First I was going to try and get you back with my amazing petition.

It's a shame you can't see what our fellow students really signed.

It's a shame you can't see what our fellow students really signed.

It's a shame you can't see what our fellow students really signed.

All right, listen.

All right, listen.

(SIGHING)

(SIGHING)

"We students of Westerburg High will die. Today.

"We students of Westerburg High will die. Today.

"We students of Westerburg High will die. Today.

"Our burning bodies will be the ultimate protest

"Our burning bodies will be the ultimate protest

"Our burning bodies will be the ultimate protest

"to a society that degrades us.

"to a society that degrades us.

"to a society that degrades us.

"Fuck you all."

"Fuck you all."

"Fuck you all."

It's not very subtle, but neither is blowing up a whole school, now, is it?

It's not very subtle, but neither is blowing up a whole school, now, is it?

It's not very subtle, but neither is blowing up a whole school, now, is it?

It's not very subtle, but neither is blowing up a whole school, now, is it?

Talk about your suicide pacts, huh?

Talk about your suicide pacts, huh?

When our school blows up tomorrow,

When our school blows up tomorrow,

When our school blows up tomorrow,

it's going to be the kind of thing to infect a generation!

it's going to be the kind of thing to infect a generation!

it's going to be the kind of thing to infect a generation!

I mean, it's going to be a Woodstock for the '80s.

I mean, it's going to be a Woodstock for the '80s.

Damn it, Veronica.

Damn it, Veronica.

We could have toasted marshmallows together.

We could have toasted marshmallows together.

What does she want? A written invitation?

What does she want? A written invitation?

Veronica! Dinner!

Veronica! Dinner!

Shit.

Shit.

Veronica, I...

Veronica, I...

(STAMMERING) Oh, I should have let you take that job at the mall.

(STAMMERING) Oh, I should have let you take that job at the mall.

(STAMMERING) Oh, I should have let you take that job at the mall.

(STAMMERING) Oh, I should have let you take that job at the mall.

It was just that I was afraid of you coming home late at night and I...

It was just that I was afraid of you coming home late at night and I...

It was just that I was afraid of you coming home late at night and I...

(PANTING)

(PANTING)

Hey, Mom, why so tense?

Hey, Mom, why so tense?

Hey, Mom, why so tense?

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

BIG BUD: Hey, Pop, I need some help with my homework.

BIG BUD: Hey, Pop, I need some help with my homework.

BIG BUD: Hey, Pop, I need some help with my homework.

Uh, not right now, tiger. I'm a little busy.

Uh, not right now, tiger. I'm a little busy.

Veronica, J.D. told me you committed suicide last night.

Veronica, J.D. told me you committed suicide last night.

Veronica, J.D. told me you committed suicide last night.

Where is he? Where's J.D.?

Where is he? Where's J.D.?

We have to talk.

Whether to kill yourself or not is the most important decisions a teenager can make.

Whether to kill yourself or not is the most important decisions a teenager can make.

Whether to kill yourself or not is the most important decisions a teenager can make.

Whether to kill yourself or not is the most important decisions a teenager can make.

Get a job.

(DOOR CLOSES)

(DOOR CLOSES)

(BEEPING)

(BELL RINGING)

(BELL RINGING)

Rodney, where's everybody going?

Rodney, where's everybody going?

It's Friday.

It's Friday.

It's Friday.

Shit, another damn pep assembly.

Shit, another damn pep assembly.

Yeah. You know, these things can get pretty artificial,

Yeah. You know, these things can get pretty artificial,

Yeah. You know, these things can get pretty artificial,

but, you know, at least you get out of class.

but, you know, at least you get out of class.

Rodney, what's underneath the gym?

Rodney, what's underneath the gym?

The boiler room.

WOMAN: May I see your hall pass?

WOMAN: May I see your hall pass?

I knew that loose was too noose.

I knew that loose was too noose.

I knew that loose was too noose.

I mean noose too loose.

I mean noose too loose.

I mean noose too loose.

Goddamn you, woman.

Goddamn you, woman.

Like father, like son.

Like father, like son.

A serious-as-fuck bomb in the boiler room to set off a pack of thermals upstairs.

A serious-as-fuck bomb in the boiler room to set off a pack of thermals upstairs.

A serious-as-fuck bomb in the boiler room to set off a pack of thermals upstairs.

Okay, let's start by putting the bomb down on the ground.

Okay, let's start by putting the bomb down on the ground.

Okay, let's start by putting the bomb down on the ground.

I knew that.

I knew that.

I knew that.

I knew that.

Okay, put your hands on your head.

Okay, put your hands on your head.

You didn't say, "Simon says."

You didn't say, "Simon says."

(THUMPS)

(J.D. CLEARS THROAT)

(J.D. CLEARS THROAT)

(DISTANT CHEERS)

(DISTANT CHEERS)

ALL: Let's go!

ALL: Let's go!

Let's go, Rottweilers, let's go!

Let's go, Rottweilers, let's go!

Let's go, Rottweilers, let's go!

Let's go, Rottweilers, let's go!

Let's go, Rottweilers, let's go!

(BOMB BEEPING)

(BOMB BEEPING)

ALL: W-E-S!

ALL: W-E-S!

T-E-R!

ALL: T-E-R!

ALL: T-E-R!

B-U-R!

B-U-R!

ALL: B-U-R!

-G! -ALL: G!

-G! -ALL: G!

What does it spell?

What does it spell?

ALL: (MUFFLED) Westerburg!

PRINCIPAL: Again!

PRINCIPAL: Again!

ALL: Westerburg!

ALL: Westerburg!

ALL: Westerburg!

(GRUNTS)

(GRUNTS)

ALL: Lean to the left, lean to the right!

ALL: Lean to the left, lean to the right!

Stand up, sit down, fight, fight, fight!

Stand up, sit down, fight, fight, fight!

(STRUGGLING)

(STRUGGLING)

Stop!

Stop!

(J.D. GRUNTS)

(CLATTERING)

(CLATTERING)

(ALL CHANTING)

(ALL CHANTING)

(CHANTING CONTINUES)

(CHANTING CONTINUES)

(CHANTING CONTINUES)

(CHANTING CONTINUES)

You think just because you started this thing you can end it?

You think just because you started this thing you can end it?

I'll kill you, I'll fucking kill you, I swear to God.

I'll kill you, I'll fucking kill you, I swear to God.

(CHANTING CONTINUES)

(CHANTING CONTINUES)

How do I turn off the goddamn bomb, asshole?

How do I turn off the goddamn bomb, asshole?

Fuck you!

(GUNSHOT)

(GUNSHOT)

(GROANING)

(GROANING)

Shit!

It's all over, J.D. Help me stop it.

It's all over, J.D. Help me stop it.

(J.D. GRUNTS)

(J.D. GRUNTS)

You want to clean the slate as much as I do.

You want to clean the slate as much as I do.

All right, so maybe I am killing everyone in the school.

All right, so maybe I am killing everyone in the school.

All right, so maybe I am killing everyone in the school.

Because nobody loves me.

Because nobody loves me.

Because nobody loves me.

Let's face it, all right? The only place different social types

Let's face it, all right? The only place different social types

Let's face it, all right? The only place different social types

can genuinely get along with each other is in heaven.

can genuinely get along with each other is in heaven.

can genuinely get along with each other is in heaven.

(WHISTLING)

(WHISTLING)

Which button do I press to turn it off?

Which button do I press to turn it off?

Try the red one, all right?

Try the red one, all right?

Seriously. People are going to look at the ashes of Westerburg and say,

Seriously. People are going to look at the ashes of Westerburg and say,

Seriously. People are going to look at the ashes of Westerburg and say,

"Now, there is a school that self-destructed,

"Now, there is a school that self-destructed,

"not because society didn't care but because the school was society!"

"not because society didn't care but because the school was society!"

"not because society didn't care but because the school was society!"

It's pretty deep, huh?

Which red button?

Which red button?

Press the middle button to turn it off.

Press the middle button to turn it off.

Press the middle button to turn it off.

If that's what you really want.

If that's what you really want.

You know what I want, babe?

What?

(GUNSHOT)

(GUNSHOT)

(CRACKLING)

(CRACKLING)

(BOMB BEEPING)

(BOMB BEEPING)

Cool guys like you out of my life.

Cool guys like you out of my life.

(STEAM HISSING)

(STEAM HISSING)

(BOMB BEEPING)

(BOMB BEEPING)

(CROWD CHEERING)

(CROWD CHEERING)

(CLEARS THROAT)

Color me impressed.

Color me impressed.

You, uh... You really fucked me up pretty bad, Veronica.

You, uh... You really fucked me up pretty bad, Veronica.

You, uh... You really fucked me up pretty bad, Veronica.

You...

You...

(SIGHING) You got power.

(SIGHING) You got power.

(SIGHING) You got power.

Power I didn't think you had.

Power I didn't think you had.

The slate is clean.

The slate is clean.

Pretend I did blow up the school.

All the schools.

All the schools.

Now that you're dead,

Now that you're dead,

what are you going to do with your life?

what are you going to do with your life?

(BOMB BEEPING)

(BOMB BEEPING)

(BEEPING STOPS)

(BEEPING STOPS)

(LOUD EXPLOSION)

(LOUD EXPLOSION)

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

Veronica. You look like hell.

Veronica. You look like hell.

Veronica. You look like hell.

Yeah? I just got back.

Yeah? I just got back.

Veronica, what are you doing?

Veronica, what are you doing?

Heather, my love,

Heather, my love,

there's a new sheriff in town.

there's a new sheriff in town.

(KISSES)

VERONICA: Hey, Martha!

VERONICA: Hey, Martha!

VERONICA: Hey, Martha!

My date for the prom kind of flaked out on me.

My date for the prom kind of flaked out on me.

I was wondering, if you weren't doing anything that night,

I was wondering, if you weren't doing anything that night,

maybe we could rent some new releases, pop some popcorn.

maybe we could rent some new releases, pop some popcorn.

maybe we could rent some new releases, pop some popcorn.

I'd like that.

Yeah. So would I.

Yeah. So would I.