Original subtitles

All the way from Brampton, Ontario, by way of Los Angeles, California.

He set a new UK attendance record on his last appearance at this very venue.

The biggest stand-up comic in the world is here for you tonight.

And now, for the thousands in attendance, and the millions

watching around the world, live,

From O2 Arena in London, England, ladies and

gentlemen, let's get ready for Russell!

from scratch and DJ Spinbad, ladies and gentlemen.

Just for scratching from the start and spinning so bad.

What's up?

That's right.

Listen, tonight we're going to have fun. I can't have you guys being a fucking

English audience and going... That's what you did to me last time I was here.

And I got off stage and I go, they fucking hated it. And then I checked

Twitter and I'm like, you had a great time. I'm like, would you let me know?

So it's not performance art. It's not West End. This is stand-up live.

And, you know, you're going to fucking laugh when you laugh.

And you're not going to hold it in and go, maybe I should do this on the way

home. I almost crashed on the roundabout. I was pittering about it. I

don't need any of that horse shit.

It's a long drive back to South Hall in Hounslow. I know where most of you live.

Where's the white people at tonight? Where are you?

All right, good.

I miss you guys.

I don't know what happened.

There was a time when England was white.

This used to be the factory that made white

people. This was...

I miss you white folks. You really don't.

I don't know what the brown people have done to offend you.

But I'm asking you to come back.

Is that your man, sweetheart?

And you're a brown girl?

Nice. Well, hang on to him. He's a collector's item. They've stopped making

them. I don't know if you're aware of this or not.

White people are on limited release.

It's funny because when I was a teenager, I was an angry teenager.

I'm sure every teenager is an angry teenager, but I was hanging around the

blacks.

You're a little more afrocentric than the ones I was hanging out with you.

I'm not sure if that's a dashika or an Indian shirt. We're like, fuck it.

So I'm hanging around the black guys. I'm a teenager. I'm listening to Public

Enemy.

I didn't have a reason for this, but I was angry at white people.

And when white people would walk past me, I was angrier than my black friends

were.

White people would walk past me like, fucking white people.

And my black friends were like, why are you so angry?

I'm like, I don't know.

I think I'm just fighting the power.

And as an adult, I realized how ridiculous that behavior was.

and it's embarrassing now, but when I see white people now, it's different,

you know what I mean?

Obviously, I mean, I see the same thing, you know what I mean, but it's different

now, you know what I mean?

Whereas it used to be fucking white people, now it's fucking white people,

you know, it's more of a... a rediscovery.

England's changed, man, from the time I started, used to come over here, to it

now, it's... I remember when I used to come over here, the Indians were the

ones where everybody was like, oh, fucking Indians everywhere, mate,

fucking... Can't go anywhere.

Fucking Asian. Fucking stony. Fucking bacon stony. Remember when everybody

had a hard-on for us? And now when I come back to England, even the Indians

are like second and third generation now.

We get pissed off when we see Polish people now, don't you? I know you do.

You go to a restaurant, the minute I see a J in a name that doesn't need a

fucking J in it, I'm like, oh, for fuck's sakes, this is not going to be

good.

Excuse me.

I would

like

to eat something.

Can I get a

Coke?

Coca-Cola.

We don't have Coke. We have Pepsi.

I'll take a Pepsi.

But you want Coke?

Service is shit with these guys.

Where are the Polish people tonight? Are you here?

Go ahead, man.

They're up there. They don't even know why they're here. I don't know. I see

it. Show.

Maybe it's funny, maybe it's not, I don't know.

You're Polish, sweetheart?

And your boyfriend's Indian?

No?

You're not Indian?

Have you looked in the mirror?

Look,

I'm not an expert on the subject.

But if I was to racially abuse you...

What are you?

South African.

So Indian.

Okay.

When you're in South Africa, what do they call you?

Oi, fucking coolie, move it.

Stinging coolies are walking around everywhere.

What part of South Africa? Durban?

Chatsworth?

Cape Town.

Okay, because you're fancy.

So your family's Indian from South Africa?

Yeah. All of a sudden, huh?

I had to go through your fucking lineage to get the answer?

Go to myfamilytree.com? Get out of here with that shit.

Black guy, where's your family from?

Senegal.

That's Africa.

Do they have Indians in Senegal?

They started coming in.

What are we, fucking cockroaches, the way people

describe us?

I don't know.

It used to be lovely, and then they started coming in.

Opened up the cereal and there was a fucking Indian in there.

You know that

he's... Where is he? There he is.

There's so many fucking Indians I couldn't even find you. You see what I

mean?

You know how that happened, right?

He's just as Indian as we are.

But his forefathers...

unlike my forefathers, his forefathers were not fast runners.

You see, my forefathers saw the ships coming into the harbor and we went, I'm

not getting on that boat.

And his forefathers went, hey, look, a boat.

They ended up in South Africa. Why am I cutting sugar cane?

I'm diabetic.

Well, good to have you here, Indian guy.

By way of default.

A lot of Africans in England now. I mean, I remember... Hey, what's up?

I guess you were doing your hair or something? That's what took you so long?

Okay, okay.

No problem, no problem.

Sometimes we're late. On time, not on

time. As long as there's time, we don't care.

I remember when I used to come to England back in the day, you could be

sure that most of the black people were West Indian.

I remember that.

Where are you tonight, West Indian people? Where are you?

Yeah?

Guyanese guy, you can't claim West Indian and South American. You either

pick one or the fucking other.

You must be the most proud Guyanese guy ever to wear that ugly-ass jacket, I'll

tell you that. You... He's

Indian, too, just for the record.

Just like the South African guy.

Different stop on the boat. That's all.

This stop, Diana.

This sounds good.

I'm a guy and this is Anna. Let's go.

Any Spanish people here tonight?

We are up here. Mira.

What kind of Spanish are you?

Latino Spanish?

Or are you Spanish from Spain?

Mexican?

What the fuck are you doing in England?

They said head for the border, not the borders.

What are you doing in England? Your parents came here?

My dad's Mexican.

And he ended up in England?

Sorry?

Your mom's English.

I figured that much.

But how did they meet?

Your mom worked in Mexico, apparently.

Do

you speak

Spanish at all?

I don't have to, you don't have to answer me in Spanish. It's not like,

it's not like you're going to go, un poquito, and I'm going to go.

Not gonna fucking happen, you know what I mean? It just... I live in Los

Angeles, so I mean, I should know Spanish, and my wife is Latina, so, you

know, I should know at least something, but I don't know shit, you know?

I know I like the way Spanish sounds when South American people are speaking

it.

I like the way it's... I don't understand it, but at least the words

are clear to me, you know what I mean? When I hear them speaking, I know when a

sentence begins, and I know when it ends, and you can tell by the tone

whether it was a question or a statement, you know?

I'm like, I don't know, but fuck yeah.

There's languages you don't know.

Chinese, when you hear somebody speaking Cantonese, you don't know whether it was

a sentence, a paragraph, a statement.

Where are the Chinese people at tonight? I see an Asian. You know what I'm

talking about. In Cantonese, sometimes they don't even start the sentences at

the right volume.

It's not like they go... Sometimes they turn the volume up as they're speaking.

What the fuck is...

Cantonese

is a fun language, but it's a hard one to learn. When I was in Hong Kong, I

learned the dumbest words when I was in Hong Kong. I learned how to say snot.

Basie.

And the only reason I think I knew that was because I think because I have a big

nose. and I was in Hong Kong, and nobody has a big nose there.

I kept hearing, I'm sure they were going, That's what I'm sure they were

translating.

Hard language to learn, though. Do you speak Cantonese?

Oh, do, yeah.

What's your name?

Sorry? V?

Just the letter V.

Vinny of VI.

Oh, I'm sorry.

His name really is V.

But he spells it out, so it's different.

What's your last name?

Jaina.

Hello, this is V Jaina.

Sorry about being a cunt earlier.

Is your family from Hong Kong?

Oh, they're from Vietnam. Yeah, that's what I thought.

But you know Cantonese?

And you know Vietnamese as well?

Your girlfriend's Vietnamese?

She's like, I know Vietnamese, okay.

Have you tried Vietnamese soup, you guys? You ever had it?

It's a big deal in America.

It's spelled P-H-O.

Pho.

But it's not the way it's pronounced.

And in America, people are fucking annoying.

Because I'll be like, yeah, let's go get some pho.

And they'll be like, you know, Russell, it's actually pronounced pho.

And I'm like, oh, really? Yeah, so, you know, show respect for the Vietnamese

culture. You probably pronounce it pho.

And I go, oh, okay, cool. Why don't you go pho cough right now? Because you're

really annoying me. Well, you know what? Go pho-k yourself.

How about that? Why don't you?

Now, so, have you been to Hong Kong?

Have you been?

When I went to Hong Kong, I wanted to go shopping, right?

And I don't drive, obviously, when I'm there, because I'm not strong enough to

carry a rickshaw, but I... No, I don't drive when I'm there.

But I'm there, and I go to the guy at the hotel.

I go, hey, I want to go shopping.

What's the shopping area? Like, what's the best place to go shopping? Oh, you

want to go shopping, huh? You want to go to Tsim Sha Tsui?

And I go, I don't know what you just said, but...

How are you going to travel?

Taxi? I go, nah, I'm going to try and take the train.

Oh, train's good.

Hong Kong has the best train service.

I'm like, that's cool.

What's the stop that I need to get off at? Oh, you want to get off at the stop

called Tsim Sha Tsui?

I go, how am I going to know when I'm there? I can't read the fucking symbols.

I don't know which chimney and bridge leads me to shopping.

Why can't they just have a picture of a person holding a bunch of bags going...

I go, so how will I know when I'm there? He goes, okay, so when you're on the

train, you must listen.

What am I listening for? For a sound.

Now here's the thing, we may laugh at people and think, aha, they're so

stupid, but really, I'm the fucking idiot because he's explaining normal

shit to me.

A sound.

I go, well, what's the sound I'm listening for?

We're on the train. Right before you get to your stop, you're going to hear boom.

And then what?

Then you listen for chim sa choy.

I go, Tim's bok choy.

No, no.

Chim sa choy.

Tim's got a boy.

Try to say it just like me.

So I go,

right?

I just copied him exactly, and he goes, oh, you speak Cantonese.

I go, no, I'm copying you. You do good.

So I'm on the train, right?

And I want to listen to my iPod, but I can't now because I have to listen for

boom.

So I'm sitting there, and the only way I can remember,

Without having to do this all the time.

As I'm sitting there, and I swear to God, I must look like a crazy person.

I'm sitting on the train, I'm going... So

we're getting to our first stop, and I hear... And I'm

like... Then I hear... And

I'm like, that doesn't sound shit like where I gotta go to.

Then the doors close and we start moving. We get to the next stop. I hear,

boong.

Did he just say Quarry Bay?

Why can't I go shopping in Quarry Bay? I can say fucking Quarry Bay.

So we start moving again.

And then I hear, boong.

I swear to God, I must have looked like a fucking lunatic.

Because the minute I heard, I jumped the fuck out of my seat.

I was like, And I'm sure everybody thought I was there studying. He's a

Kung Fu master.

And he's studying in the shopping district.

What's your name, my Chinese friend?

Sorry? Wing?

Wing.

Oh, Wayne.

Oh, sorry. I went with the stereotype on that one.

Wayne.

Wayne.

Wayne. Wayne.

Like as in John Wayne.

That's what I thought when I looked at you. I was like, that guy looks like a

Wayne.

Do you have a Chinese name too, Wayne?

Go for it, buddy. What is it?

Some what?

Chimsa Choi? You think that's what it is? Yeah?

My name is Shopping District.

Chinese name is Sha Ping.

What is it?

Chang Wing Man.

Chang Wing Man.

So I wasn't fucking far off when I said wing, was I?

Chang Wing Man.

What does it mean?

Man who likes to eat chicken wings.

Well, I'm glad you're here, Chung Wing Man.

Chung Wing Man, Chung Wing Man, does whatever a Chung Wing can.

So what

I'm trying to say is, with the Spanish language, I have ADD,

I get fucking distracted real easy.

But what I'm saying about the Spanish, can I go back to that there, Chung Wing

Man?

The Spanish that the South American people speak, what I'm really trying to

say is, I just like the way it sounds.

Because the words are clear to me.

And the reason I say this is because last year I went to Spain.

And if you've ever gone to Spain, you heard the real Spanish being spoken. You

know that it sounds gay as shit.

Tell me I'm lying. They speak Spanish with a lisp over there.

I didn't know. I got off the plane and the guy's like, Hola, senor. Como estas?

I'm like, seriously, dude?

That was a long flight.

I'm sure you're a great human being.

But I'm not prepared for this right now.

I'm going to talk to this guy.

Excuse me.

First time in Barcelona?

It freaks me out that they all speak Spanish with a lisp over there and then

you go to places like South America and they don't speak Spanish with a lisp at

all. And you think they would because the Spanish went to them and made them

learn their language. But even they realized how fruity it sounded.

Repeat after me.

¿Cómo estás?

Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no. Oye, oye.

¿Cómo estás?

¿Cómo estás?

Why won't you sound like me?

Because you sound gay.

And I'm trying to figure it out when I'm in Spain. Like, how can an entire

country speak with a lisp?

This makes no sense to me. There's no way that they can all have an oversized

tongue.

So I asked around, and this is what they told me. I'm not making this up. They

told me that apparently back in the day in Spain, there was a king who had a

lisp.

And in honor of the king, everybody spoke with a lisp.

And it just stuck. I'm like, that's the dumbest story I've ever heard in my

life. And then I started thinking about it.

Maybe that's what happened to our Indian people.

Maybe we sounded like this.

And then some king came along. He's like, hello, everybody.

And everybody's like, yo, what's up with the king, dude?

Is his head loose?

I don't know, but just talk like him so he doesn't feel like an asshole.

Yes, sir, can we help you?

What's your name?

Priyan. What?

Priyan. Priyan.

Why do you say it like a dick? Why do you have to be like, I'm Priyan.

Priyan.

Relax. It's not that fucking serious, dude.

Priyan.

Are you Indian there?

Have you gone back at all?

I was there two years ago.

I was in Bombay, and I was there.

It's not a... We're not going. I'm just telling you I was there. It's not...

Bombay wasn't the fucking key word for you to win a prize. It was really

the place I was at.

I was in Bombay. Here's the trippy part. I was in Bombay two years ago, and I was

there one month before the terror attacks happened. Remember the terror

attacks that happened in 2008?

Do you know about those, black guy?

Not terror attacks, but the ones that happened to my people. Do you know about

that?

You don't really? You don't? He's like, what happened?

You were in Senegal, and they don't have fucking news over there?

Seriously,

there was a terror attack in India. It's not like 9-11.

Here's the thing. 9-11 happened. It lasted 20 minutes.

There's terror attacks in India?

Three fucking days.

Only in India could that happen. It could end up like a cricket match. Three

fucking days. It's like, we shall continue this terror tomorrow.

And here's the trippy part.

I was in the Oberoi Hotel, the first hotel that they took out. I was in that

hotel one month to the day before the shit happened.

And I remember watching it on news back home. I was like, oh my God, I was just

there.

Did I forget anything?

There goes toothpaste I'll never see.

But the terrorists have been fucking with India for a long time.

They have. They've been well before 9-11 ever happened. The terrorists have been

fucking with India. And here's the messed up part. They keep hitting India

and India doesn't do shit back to anybody.

It's like the terrorists hit us and go, stop it.

Don't do it, man.

That's a bad shot. I said stop.

Scratch you!

Those are pretty crazy terror attacks that happened in 2008.

They were pretty nuts.

Personally, not the worst ones that happened in Bombay. The worst terror

attacks, in my personal opinion, happened in 2006.

And I'm not basing it off destruction or how many people they killed, which was

pretty crazy all on its own, but I'm basing it simply off of the date in

which they chose to attack.

You know, India got attacked on July 11th.

We got hit on 7-11.

It's almost like the terrorists had a sense of humor that day, you know?

Should we get them on the 10th or the 12th?

The 11th.

The comedy practically writes itself.

And you know what the worst part about those attacks were? Weren't even the

attacks. It was watching George Bush's dumbass have to get in front of the

world media the next day and address it. Just a smug look on his face, you know?

In America, we had our own devastating events of 9-11.

And now in India, they have their own...

7-11.

Shoe!

Another shoe!

That was easily my favorite event of 2008, was the Iraqi guy who threw shoes

at George Bush.

was impressive on many levels, you know?

First of all, for eight years, the whole world had been saying what an idiot

George Bush was. People in America that voted for him were like, yeah, I know,

he's a fucking retard. We get it.

But let me tell you something. He tricked us.

He's not that dumb.

Because an idiot would have got hit with a fucking shoe.

Is that a shoe?

George Bush not only ducked the shoes, but he made it look fun, didn't he?

It's okay, fellas, I got this.

Me and Laura play this game.

So that was impressive that George Bush ducked not one, but two shoes.

And what was even more impressive was that that Iraqi guy had shoes.

I'm just saying, I would have expected a flip-flop.

But this guy had full-on sneakers.

That means he went shopping that morning.

Yes, I am looking for something in size 13.

Preferably aerodynamic.

It's for president.

Where are the Arabs at tonight? Arabs in the house? Where are you?

All strategically placed, I see.

That's no accident, huh?

All in the center. If this way, we all go boom in the middle over, everything

is... What kind of Arab are you, bro?

Moroccan?

And Iraq?

Just Iraq?

So not Moroccan.

You're Iraqi.

I've been to Iraq to perform, but obviously not for the Iraqis. It's not a

very comedy-filled place.

It's not like there's comedy clubs in Iraq, you know, like, welcome to

Saddam's Jihad Hut.

You know, it's not like, our comedy is the bomb.

Watch us explode with laughter.

So you're Iraqi, what are you guys over there?

Kuwait?

Saudi? Is it Saudi or Saudi?

Because I did shows in Bahrain once and there was Saudi people in the audience

and I go, oh, where are you from? The guy goes, Saudi.

And I thought he hiccuped or something while he was saying Saudi. I thought he

was like, Saudi.

You know, but like, I go, what did he say? He goes, Saudi.

And I go, what the fuck? And I asked somebody after, I go, why does he sing

Saudi? And they go, that is actually the correct way of saying Saudi.

It's Saudi.

I go, so do I drive an Audi or an Audi?

What am I driving?

I always have fun in the Middle East. I always have a good time.

My white friends, have you gone to the Middle East at all?

No, you should go check it out.

I like that. You shaved your head, but you kept a unibrow. That's very cool. I

like... That's pretty insane looking, that thing. Look at that.

Well, I was going bald, but if I had hair, it would come down to here,

wouldn't it?

You should go check out the Middle East. It's not at all how the media makes the

Middle East seem.

You watch the news, especially the North American news, they have some sort of

hard-on for the Arabs.

And whenever they show you Arab people on the news, they make them look crazy.

That's the thing.

When you watch the news, you watch CNN, don't you get mad?

They just make Arabs look like they're exploding every five minutes.

They make it look like they're walking around going, yes, I'm going shopping,

what are you going to do? Oh, I'm going to blow up. Okay, well, I'll see you in

paradise, okay?

Hey, save me a virgin. I'm kidding. I'm kidding. You earned them. You earned

them. They're yours.

You go to the Middle East, very friendly people.

I always have fun with the Arabs. They're actually very nice. They're rich

as shit.

The ones I've seen, and you know what I'm talking about, Saudi guy.

He's like, I know I'm very rich. It's okay.

And like Arab rich, brown guy. Arab rich, very different than anybody else's

rich. I may be considered American rich.

That's cute to Arabs.

Like American rich, I have $10 million.

Arab rich, I don't know which pants I put the $10 million in. I don't.

Oh, maybe in the wash I'll find it one day.

They're rich as different.

They keep trying to sell us different places on the news, too.

They like shit all over the Middle East, but then they'll keep trying to sell

Dubai to us. You know what I mean?

You're Indian, right?

Don't clap for Dubai then.

First of all, they won't let you have citizenship even if you're born there.

Second of all, they treat us like shit.

Listen, let's be honest.

You go to the Middle East, Indians are the Mexicans of the Middle East. That's

what we are.

We build everything for them over there.

All those fancy buildings they have?

we fucking built. And I don't know what part of India they went to to find these

Indians, but I have never seen them before.

I've been to India, north, south, east, west, the whole place, and I never saw

these Indians.

They bought an entire race of Indians that doesn't exist in India anymore.

I swear to God, I went to Dubai, I went to a construction site, little Indian,

like this big, full-grown men.

Not midgets, just short and scrawny.

And I was like, where did you find them? We bought all of them.

They were very cheap. How much? Give me the whole race. I'll take it.

I have something I need built.

And I'm not making this up. I went to a construction site, a full-on proper

construction site with cranes and tractors, and there's these little

Indian guys. I swear to God, the guy was wearing a wife beater, a tank top, boxer

shorts, flip-flops, and a hard hat.

I go, you got a hard hat, where's your steel toe boots? He goes, you see, we

could only have one or the other.

I have ten toes.

I only have one head.

Protect your head.

But I've been to Lebanon, Jordan, Bahrain, Dubai.

We're not going, I just said I've been there.

And when you go to the Middle East, I've asked around, why do they think, you

know, you want to know why these stereotypes have to come from somewhere.

So I'm asking around when I'm in the Middle East, I go, hey, why do they

think you're crazy?

And everybody said the same thing. You would expect them to go, it's America.

They're doing this to us. They make us look crazy.

That's not who they blame.

I go, why do they think you're crazy? They go, it's not us. I go, who is it?

They go, it's the fucking Saudis. They always blame you.

I go, why do you blame the Saudis?

Because they are crazy.

You know bin Laden? I don't know bin Laden, first of all, all right?

He's Saudi.

Fucking crazy.

So it's your fault.

They keep trying to sell Dubai to us. That's always funny to me. And whenever

they try to sell Dubai in the commercials, they always make it look so

glamorous, and it's always like a British voiceover or an American

voiceover, like, come on down to Dubai for the World Shopping Festival.

Stay in the beautiful seven-star Jumeirah Beach Hotel.

See the world's tallest building.

Stay on the beautiful Palm Island.

I'm like, ooh, that sounds good.

And then I'm in, like, Lebanon, and I asked around. I go, they go, where were

you before this? I go, I was in Dubai.

Oh, it's stupid.

I go, what do you mean it's stupid? They do dumb things.

What do you mean they do dumb things? They have the tallest building in the

world. It's empty.

It's like having fastest car with no engine.

They have a seven-star hotel.

When did five become not enough?

I go, they made an island that looks like a palm tree. You got to admit,

that's kind of impressive.

Yes, that's a good idea.

Only wrong tree.

What do you mean wrong tree?

You see, Russell, there is a reason you never hear an Arab voice advertising

this tree.

Which tree? The palm tree? Yes.

Why won't you say it? Because there is no P in the Arabic alphabet.

The P is a B.

Nobody wants to stay on bomb tree.

Okay, aside from that, isn't that a cool idea? Palm tree island? No, it's only

good if you are flying over.

Then you look down and go, hey look, bomb tree.

But you go to bomb tree island, now you're on the island, you don't see bomb

tree anymore.

Now I'm on shitty sand barge in the middle of the ocean.

When you go there, you find out where the hot spots are to party. Have you

ever been back to the Middle East at all, Iraqi guy?

Sorry?

Just Edgeware Road, what did you say?

Sorry, Bayswater Road, that's... Yep, how's that bladder working out for you?

Good?

You know, if your jeans weren't so tight, you wouldn't have to pee so much.

All right, mate, just go piss.

His girlfriend's like, please don't come back, please don't come back.

You go to the Middle East, you find out that Lebanon is the place to go.

Did you go to Lebanon?

That's the party place, isn't it? That's where everybody goes. That's their

Vegas. And everybody kept telling me, before I went to Lebanon, they were

like, Russell, when you go to Lebanon, it's party.

It's Biz Barty you'll ever have.

Best what? Biz Barty.

I don't know what a Barty is, but I'm going to trust you on this one.

And let me tell you something. It was. It was the best time I ever had. It was

in Lebanon.

It was crazy.

It's not even like, wow, they were just nuts. It was just like a good vibe. It

was like a fun time.

I remember I did my shows there, and after the shows, these four Lebanese

dudes roll up. They're like... Hey, great show, Russell.

You want to go party?

I go, if I have to go party, I will. Thank you.

No, party. We go to nightclub. You want to go?

I go, yeah, sure.

Four Arab fellows whom I've never met before.

Let me assist you in my own abduction. So I get in the

car with these four guys because I'm an idiot, right?

I get in the car, but I get stuck in the middle seat in the back, which is even

fucking worse.

And we start driving to this nightclub, right?

And here's the thing. You put five guys in a car, or rather four that can speak

the same language, and you put four guys in a car that are going to a nightclub,

and it's going to sound rowdy. If you don't understand the language, it's

going to sound rowdy because four guys go on the way to a nightclub. It's like,

it's going to be off the fucking chain. We're going to get bottle service.

There's going to be bitches, bitches, bitches, bitches.

And that's all you think.

But then you add the fact that they're all speaking Arabic and they're probably

saying the same shit But if you don't understand it, it sounds fucking

aggressive and I'm in the back seat And I start

panicking

because I'm thinking holy shit, they're arguing as to who's gonna kill me

No, I killed this one. I killed the last one. You killed this one. I don't want

to kill him. You kill this one.

And especially in Lebanon, I don't even think they're speaking Arabic properly.

All I keep hearing is Habibi. That's all I keep hearing.

So I try to turn the conversation back to English, and I go, so, guys, tell me

about the nightclub.

You're going to love it. It's beautiful.

Okay, well, tell me about it. It's Bombshelter.

I go, that's hilarious. What do you mean?

It's Bombshelter.

We're going to a nightclub called Bombshelter? It's Bombshelter, yeah.

I go, don't you think that's hilarious?

No.

What do you mean, no?

We're in fucking Beirut.

We're going to a place called bomb shelter.

Yeah.

Why is it funny?

I go, it's ironic.

It's like going to India and going to a nightclub called diarrhea.

Come on down to diarrhea.

It's the shit.

So I go, the nightclub is called Bombshell?

No, it is B-O-A-T.

I go, it's boat.

No, B-O-A-T.

Where I come from, B-O-A-T spells boat.

No, it's B-O-A-T.

B-O-A-T?

Yes.

But it sounds like you're saying B-O-A-T.

I know, but that's not what I'm saying.

You ask the name, I'm telling you the name.

B-O-1-8.

But locals, we just call it B-O.

Why?

Because everybody thinks we're saying boat otherwise.

I'm like, well, all right. So we're driving, and we get to what looks like a

vacant parking lot.

And they go, we are here. And I go, we are where?

There is nightclub. I go, no, there is empty parking lot.

No, you see that guy and I look and the middle parking lot is a big Lebanese guy

standing there like this.

Go to him.

And what?

He will let you in. Let me in where?

The nightclub. I go, why don't we all just go together?

No, we are going to bark the car.

You're going to do what to the car?

We're going to bark.

Well, let me bark with you.

So they go, no, it's easier for you because you are not from here. They will

let you in, no problem.

No what? No problem.

And what about you guys? We will talk, we will get in, we will meet you inside,

don't worry, you go.

So I'm like, fuck, alright.

And then I start panicking again because I'm thinking, holy shit, these guys are

going to smoke me when I get out of the car and then they're going to drive

away.

They're going to shoot me in the back of the fucking head in the parking lot.

So I get out of the car and I fucking bolt.

I just gun it towards that guy.

And as I'm about here, I realize I'm running right towards the guy that's

gonna kill me, right? Because why is there just a random guy standing in the

middle of the parking lot?

And as I get there, I turn on my gangster, right? Because, you know,

guys, when we see another dude, especially a bouncer, we don't walk up

and go, hey, how's it going? Because you don't want to be the dick, right?

So I try to be cool. I roll up and I'm like, yo, what's up?

There's a nightclub around here. I don't know why I turned into a black American

guy, but fuck it, I did. You know what I mean? I was like, yeah, Jack, where's it

at, motherfucker?

Right? So I go, is there a nightclub around here? And the guy just goes like

this.

And he steps aside, and there was stairs leading into the ground.

And I go, down there? And he goes, so I run down the stairs, right?

Because I'm thinking, this guy's going to shoot me in the head too. I'm all

paranoid about getting shot in the head, right?

So I run down the stairs because I figure if he's going to shoot me in the

head, I want to be at the bottom of the stairs when it happens.

I don't want to get shot at the top of the stairs, and my last few seconds

alive are me falling down the fucking stairs, you know?

It's bad enough, you know, bam, and then ooh, ah, ooh, that's going to suck,

right?

At least this time I'm at the bottom of the stairs, it's like bang, and I was

like, oh, you know, but...

So I run down to the bottom of the stairs, and I look back up, and the guy

just does this.

So I get to the bottom of the stairs, and I take a step, and there's another

guy standing there.

And I'm like, dude, is there a fucking nightclub around here somewhere?

And the guy steps aside, and there's a door behind him. Now usually, when

you're standing outside a nightclub, you can hear something.

You hear at least... I don't hear shit.

I just hear crickets, little Lebanese crickets.

So there's a nightclub around here, and at a complete silence, he opens his

door, and I hear... And

I go inside this place.

It's a fucking bomb shelter.

Let me tell you something. It's not a club that they designed to look like a

bomb shelter.

It's not like they took the O2 Arena and went, tonight we're going to make a bomb

shelter motif.

No, it is a fucking bomb shelter.

Let me tell you something. It's not...

It didn't used to be a bomb shelter.

And now they've converted it. It's still a fucking bomb shelter.

It's not like they took the bomb shelterness out of it.

They just put speakers into it. That's all they did.

That's what I love about the Arabs. They got balls like that. You know, Habibi,

we have not been bombed in a while.

And we are wasting the space.

Yalla, bring some speakers.

Dance party.

Okay, buddy, I know my name.

See, those pauses are called timing, not fucking retard timing. It's, uh... It's,

uh... It's called pacing, Chico.

How are you doing there, Brianne?

You look mixed. What's your mix, buddy?

Both of your parents are mixed?

So your whole family looks like you?

So both your parents are mixed with what?

Why is this so confusing for you? I don't know. I just know they're mixed.

Okay, what's your mom?

She's from Zimbabwe.

And your father is from Zimbabwe.

Senegal, can you Google mix for me?

That just sounds like two parts Zimbabwe.

And since it only takes two people...

Hey, Senegal, where is it? What is your name anyway?

What? Foody?

That is fantastic.

You

heard

him, right? You heard him.

That guy's like, I did say Foddy. I heard him.

How do you spell your name?

F-O-D-E That's like a fancy Foddy.

Now for the white guy who doesn't understand, Fudli in Punjabi is vagina.

So if you think he's a cunt now, you are correct.

You are a big black Fudli is what you are.

That's fucking awesome.

What's your girlfriend's name? Please don't say Laura.

That would be so weird.

You see, Laura is penis.

And you would go together so well, you know what I mean?

That's good stuff there, Fuds.

Any Irish people here tonight? Irish folks in the crowd?

Are you Irish, sweetheart?

Okay, good.

I like the Irish. I've been there a lot of times.

I've been there a lot of times.

Many times.

What part of Ireland is your family from?

County?

Mayo. Like mayonnaise?

But just without the nays.

Here's County Mayo.

Why is it called County Mayo? Because we're all very white there.

County Tomato Sauce is next door. They're very sunburnt over there.

I like Ireland.

Here's the thing. In America, everybody claims to be Irish. Every white person

in America says they're Irish.

I was in Boston.

If you ever go to Boston, it'll freak you out.

Everybody in Boston thinks they're Irish.

I'm there, I'm like, what are you, man? He goes, fucking Irish.

I go, oh, cool, what part?

Boston.

I forgot about that bridge they built, yeah.

Your parents from Ireland? Nah, Boston.

Grandparents, Boston.

Great-grandparents, Boston. When the fuck were you Irish?

They always claim to be Irish, but they're not Irish. And I've been to

Ireland about 13 times. If you haven't gone, I don't know why you haven't gone.

It's right fucking there.

You can jump on EasyJet for like 10 pounds and fly to Ireland.

Brown people, you need to go to Ireland because we're exotic over there.

The Irish hate it when Americans go back there and tell them they're Irish.

That's my favorite thing to watch.

How you doing? I'm Irish. You're not fucking Irish. You're a fucking cunt.

That's what I love about this part of the world. You can say the word cunt and

nobody gets upset.

It's true. You guys say it like it's, hello, you fucking cunt. How are you?

Oh, you cunt. I haven't seen you in a long time.

What are you up to, you fucking twat?

You can't say cunt in America. Everybody gets really freaked out by the word.

I don't know if you guys say it so casually. I like the way the Irish say

it the best, you know. In America, they get upset. I can understand why they get

upset with the word cunt in America.

Because of our accent over there.

We pronounce it with a hard kuh and an unt.

Cunt.

It sounds mean and aggressive, you know.

This doesn't sound like the soft, delicious thing that it is, you know.

Cunt.

Sounds like a really big rock being thrown into the middle of a lake,

doesn't it?

Cunt? Like that saying, cunt?

But when the Irish say it, it sounds nice. Look at you, you're a fucking

cunt.

Doesn't cunt sound nice? Don't you want to be a cunt?

I want to be a cunt.

Who's a little cunty cunty?

Who's a little cunty cunty?

What are you doing? I'm taking my wee cunt for a walk.

Can I pet your cunt? Don't touch my cunt. He has teeth. He bites.

I love the Irish. They swear more than any human beings on the planet.

I remember I did shows in Belfast, Northern Ireland one time. I got off

stage. This dude walks up and goes, Hey, you're fucking brilliant tonight. You

were a great fucking crack. You were a fucking crack on. Fuck you, you ugly

fucking cunt. You were fucking shy. Fuck off. Fuckity fuck.

I was like, well, thank you, father.

I'll see you on Sunday.

They are physically the whitest people on the planet, though. Like, you're a

pretty white guy, sir. Don't get it twisted.

But you over there, easily Indian. You know what I mean? Because they are

really, like, here's how white they are. I'm not making this up.

I was flying to Galway one time on my favorite airline, Aer Lingus.

Not for any other reason, but I just like the name, Aer Lingus.

You know what kind of marketing you could do with Aer Lingus?

Coffee, tea, or... You know, just... Fly over there,

Lingus. We go down, but we don't go down.

So I'm on the flight, flying to Galway, right?

And there's this girl from Galway. She's a cute Irish girl, and we're talking,

and she's really nice. She's like, well, why don't you come by my work tomorrow,

and we'll go for a bit of lunch.

And I went, okay, what time?

And she went, why are you talking like that?

And I said, I have no clue.

And she says, well, stop it. You sound like a fucking cunt.

So I go to her work the next day. And when I'm picking this up, I walk into

her work and I go, hi, is Catherine here?

This is how white they are. The lady goes, just a second, love.

Catherine?

There's a black guy here looking for you.

I'm like, where?

Where's the black guy? I want to see the black guy in Ireland.

Turns out I'm the black guy in Ireland.

I was like, you know what? I could be black for a day. Sure, why not? I'll be

the black guy that ruined it for real black guys.

Real black guy shows up in Ireland a week after me. Hey, there's another

black guy in town. Oh, don't believe the hype.

I had one last week. It had a big nose and a small prick. It didn't work out at

all.

Barely had a prick. Looked like a little wee cunt with a prick on top. Like a

little... Like a little precunt is what it looked like. It looked like a...

Looked like this prick was resting on a beanbag chair is what it looked like.

Just... What I'm trying to say is my ball-to-shaft ratio is just off.

Somewhere there's a guy with a giant hog and tiny balls just going...

I don't understand what's going on here.

I've had it happen where I've been with a chick for the first time, and I pull

my balls out first, and I see them go, ooh, you know, thinking that the hog is

going to match.

And then I pull out my hog, and then you hear that sound from a game show when

you lose, you know.

Any Filipinos in the house

tonight?

Nice. Hello, welcome to the show.

Are you Filipino, bro?

Are you? Why didn't you make any noise? Because you can see that I'm here.

I don't have to make noise.

If you can see me, you know I'm here.

What's your name?

What?

Bob?

Bart?

Mark? Oh, why did it sound like you said Bob and Bart?

Bob, Bob, Mark.

That's not even... Ma, Bob, Bob, Bob.

Are you doing fucking chicken impressions right now?

Mark,

Mark, Mark.

Oh my

God, you've got Asian bird flu.

Have you been to the Philippines, Mark?

It's nice there. I had a great time when I was there.

I like the people. They're very sweet.

Don't you notice that when you're there? Everybody sings to you. Hello, sir.

Good morning, sir.

Thank you, sir.

Don't touch my puet, sir.

Saudi guy, you know what I'm talking about. You own a few Filipinos back

home. Don't act like I'm even making that shit up.

How many Filipinos?

In your house, when you grew up, how many Filipinos did you have? Two. You

see what I'm saying?

He was like, I do. I had two. They were very nice people, though. I don't... I

have no disregard for the Bilabinos.

For the what Bilabinos?

Hey, Mark, when I was in the Philippines... Sorry, I'm playing ping

-pong with the audience right now.

And by ping-pong, I don't mean anything by that V.

When I was in the Philippines, it was really cool. We were driving from the

airport to the hotel in Manila, and we're all in this big van, and there was

a lady in the front seat of the van. She was from the Philippines, and she was in

charge of our group.

Anyway, we're driving, and I'm looking out the window, and we're not moving

very fast, and we actually stopped moving.

But I didn't notice because I'd never been to the Philippines, and I'm just

looking out the window.

And the second we stopped moving, the lady in the front seat turns to us and

goes, oh my gut and i look at my brother and i go what's wrong with her stomach

she's experiencing some sort of abdominal discomfort

she just yelled out oh my gut so i go what's wrong and she goes look at only

tropics and i go i know i love the tropics it's beautiful yeah not the

tropics the tropics

I go, no, I get it. Humidity, palm trees, oh, tropics.

Not tropics. Look at all the cars on the road.

Oh, cars, traffic.

What's wrong with your gut?

She goes, not my gut.

Oh, my gut.

I go, why is your gut on the ceiling?

Not my gut. Oh, my gut.

Oh, your God.

It's cute in the Philippines they think they have traffic problems.

Have you been?

Did you think they had traffic problems?

Fuck no!

I had just flown there from India.

You're not going to impress me with your shitty traffic in the Philippines?

In the Philippines you may have a lot of cars, but there's some sort of order.

For the most part, people will drive in their lane.

They will generally stop at a red light.

India's insane.

India, we have a system called Creator Lane.

If you see an open space, take it and go.

Traffic never stops in India. Never.

And it's not like we don't have red lights. We have red lights. And they

mean the exact same thing.

But I don't know what Indians are thinking when they're driving and they

see the giant red light in the sky I feel like look at that woman's forehead.

She's huge and they just keep going Traffic never stops in India.

Did you notice that?

The only time traffic stops in India is if

a cow was crossing the street And a cow will cross the street You don't need to

be out in the country in India to see a cow. You could be in a city. I was in

Bombay, in the heart of the city, and I saw a fucking cow.

In all fairness, you never see two cows together.

It's always like one cow here, and then like eight blocks later, there's another

cow. But that cow looks like it's looking for this cow, you know, just...

Has anybody seen my cousin?

And the cows in India are skinny as shit.

Skinny! That's why we don't eat beef.

It has nothing to do with religion.

It has to do with common sense.

There's no fucking beef on the cow.

You don't think Indian guys sit around going, man, I really want a steak.

From what?

That, that's not a cow.

That's a swollen goat.

And the cows are assholes in India.

They are, because they know they're safe.

Nobody fucks with a cow in India.

When a cow's crossing the street, that's it.

Traffic stops.

I was in a taxi and a cow crossed the street. My driver shut off the engine.

I go, what are you doing? Saving petrol.

Well, how long is this going to take? Up to her.

The cows know they're safe. Nobody honks their horn at them.

Nobody pushes them.

Nobody's like, come on, cow, move.

Cows know they're safe. They just walk slow.

They stop and look at traffic.

They even moo with an accent. Moo.

Oh, moo.

My family's from Calcutta.

There's never any more than three people from Calcutta in an audience.

Because everybody's still in fucking Calcutta. That's why.

We want to leave, but we can't.

Calcutta's a trip. You see some ill shit in Calcutta.

You see things in India that if any one of those things happened, like right

here in London, the whole country would shut down.

Here's what I saw. It was like 4 o'clock on a Friday evening.

And I was in the heart of Calcutta, in the heart of Calcutta.

Right downtown is called Park Street. That's where everybody is.

It's like being in fucking Piccadilly Circus, like when everybody's there.

And here's what I saw. I was in a taxi, right?

And first of all, if you're in a taxi in India, you know you're not moving very

fast. And at rush hour, you're not moving at all. So I'm an idiot for

getting in the fucking taxi to begin with.

Because when you are in a taxi and you're not moving, people pop out of

everywhere.

and try and sell you shit you never wanted ever.

I'm sitting in the cab, this guy, ding, ding, ding. What? You want cauliflower?

What, what, what?

When have you ever been sitting there going, man, I could really go for some

fucking cauliflower right now.

And little, and it looked delicious.

I'm like, no, I don't want fucking cauliflower right now.

Bouquet, bouquet.

The fuck is a bouquet?

Flowers, bouquet of flowers. One bouquet.

Bouquet?

No, I'm fine. But you want...

So we're in traffic, and I look on the sidewalk, right? And let me explain

something to you. The road's packed.

Cars are going in every direction imaginable. People are crossing. And I

look on the sidewalk. The sidewalk is packed like this. Only people are going

in every direction.

And I see a fucking horse.

A full-size horse walking down the sidewalk.

Now let me explain something.

There was nobody leading this horse.

It wasn't like, come on, Fluffy, let's go home.

The horse didn't have a saddle on to suggest maybe somebody was riding it and

they fell off.

This was just a white horse walking through, like walking right here, like

through the middle of you guys.

And it was walking like it knew where the fuck it was going.

It wasn't panicking, it wasn't, like if a horse like that was seen in the

middle, in the heart of downtown London, and you saw a horse walking, the horse

would be panicking, the people would go, oh my god, a creature!

Even the horse was like, people!

Or whatever horses say when they're freaking out, right?

This horse was walking like it knew where it was going. It was just like...

And nobody's worried about this horse. People are literally walking past the

horse like this.

Stupid horses here every day.

Their mother's a jackass!

See some wild shit over there.

Homelessness, I realized, India does not have a homeless problem.

Let me explain.

The rest of the world has a homeless problem. England, you could say England

has a homeless problem. Let me tell you why. Because the homeless people in

England, at some point in their life, lived in a home.

Now they no longer have a home.

Therefore, they are actually homeless.

India has generations of homeless people.

They're so homeless, they don't even know what the fuck homeless is.

I saw a dude sitting on the sidewalk.

I go, hey man, are you homeless?

He goes, no.

I go, where do you live? Right here.

Where does your family live?

Here, here, and here.

Would you please get out of my living room?

I'm trying to watch the cow cross the street.

A lot of poverty in India.

Did you notice that there?

But here's the thing about the poverty in India. It's pretty extreme.

However, the poor people in India are a different breed of poor people. They're

not dangerous.

They're not angry that they're poor. It's kind of like a beautiful poverty

they have over there, in that the people... Like, you can walk through a

poor neighborhood in India with your watch on, and nobody's going to try and

take your shit.

Because they're hungry. They don't want to know fucking how long they've been

hungry for.

Give me your watch. It's been 17 hours.

The poor people in India have a different mentality.

They don't look at you and go, one day I will have your shit. They don't do that.

They kind of accept it and figure in the next life it may get better.

And they know that no matter how shit their life is right now, there's

somebody in a worse position right beside them.

Like I saw a little kid running around with no shoes. I go, hey man, you got no

shoes? He goes, that's okay, that guy's got no feet.

Hey man, you got no feet?

That's okay, that guy's got no legs.

So finally I reached the stump with a head and he's like, this is it.

This is as bad as it gets, but at least I have my health.

Would you please pick me up? Here comes the horse.

You know, you'll notice when you're walking around any major city now, and I

notice this here even in England, which is ironic, that you find less and less

people speaking English nowadays.

Like even in America, I walk through any major city and I hear people speaking

every other language but English.

And the fucked up thing for me is I can only speak English.

I know words in other people's languages. I know phrases.

I know how to say certain things, but I can't speak anything from top to bottom

other than English.

Like if I was to talk to you, if I was to start speaking Punjabi to you, I know

enough to start the conversation, but then if you replied, I would just go,

yeah.

That's why I've created my own language. I'd be like, that's what I would do.

That's all I do.

I've created my own language. It's called but-but.

And then, you know, with Indian people, because we have so many dialects, they

may just think, oh, I don't know that dialect of... What is... What

I like to do is I like to

listen to people speak another language.

And then I play this game where I try to figure out what language it is. But to

fuck with them in the meantime, I stare at them every now and then and smile

like I know what they're saying.

You should see how paranoid people get.

I'm sitting at this cafe, there's these people behind me, and all I hear is, And

they were like, we must move.

This man speaks Latvian.

Damn you, Rosetta Stone.

But I always listen for, like, the one key word in English, you know?

You ever do that? You hear somebody speak in another language, and you

listen for the one key word in English, and then you try and piece together what

they're talking about.

But the funny thing is, you'll hear a word that sounds like an English word,

but it won't mean the same thing to them.

Like, you'll be like, a shopping mall, and you're like, ah, ah!

They're going to a shopping mall.

But then you find out that shopping mall means bread to them or something, you

know?

There's always words in people's languages that'll make you laugh,

because it'll sound like a word in your language.

Are there any Hungarian people here tonight?

Really?

It was just a fluke question, really.

Do you speak Hungarian, sweetheart?

What's the Hungarian word for kiss?

Not choke, the other word.

Pussy, right?

Did you know that?

That's the Hungarian word for kiss.

Pussy.

To us, fucking hilarious, isn't it?

Pussy.

Pussy.

But the Hungarian people very innocent they'll be on the phone. Okay pussy

pussy and they'll hang up And we'll be like And

the only reason I know this

is because I would I was at a strip joint, you know once Researching some

material quite extensively and

And my stripper, she was Hungarian, and I guess I was making her laugh, and by

the end of the night, she goes, you were so nice, I want to give you pussy.

And I'm like, I would love to receive the

aforementioned pussy.

And she goes, close your eyes. And I close my eyes, and all of a sudden I

feel on my cheek, and I'm like, did she just rub her pussy on my face?

Because if I'd known that was going to happen, I would have done the old... But

you'll

always hear words in people's languages that remind you of words you know. Like

when I was in the Philippines, I forgot that I knew the Filipino word for tits,

which is susu.

Now, susu just sounds funny in English, but it's even funnier for Indian people.

Because susu is what we say to a little kid who has to go to the bathroom.

What's the matter? You have to go susu?

You have to go susu?

Go, go susu, go susu, nicely go, go nicely go susu.

But I forgot in the Philippines that it meant tits, and when I was there, I met

this chick, and she's like, so, do you want to see my susu?

And I'm like, no!

Flush it!

Oh my God, you're so kinky.

But susu is one of those

funny Indian words, you know. All Indian people know the word susu. You know

susu, don't you?

I'm looking right at you, buddy.

No,

no, no. We've moved on from pran.

You know what I'm talking about, right?

Here's the funny thing about the word susu. To Indian people, it's pee.

To Filipino people, it's tits. In Malaysia, susu is milk.

Theoretically, if you drink too much susu from a susu, you'll have to go

susu.

But susu is a funny Indian word because all Indian people know the word susu.

And let me tell you something. Here's the fucked up part about it. It's not a

real word.

You can't write it. There's no script for susu.

Indians make up words all the time. They end up in our vernacular forever.

Susu is one of those words because Indians make up words based on the

sounds they hear.

That's where susu came from.

What's he doing?

Susu.

Ah, susu.

There's all kinds of words that are made up that we all know. What's the Indian

word for firecracker?

See, that's not a fucking word.

That's the noise they make.

That's it, that's the noise.

If my mom sees two people whispering, she'll go, look son, they're doing

cuspus.

The hell is cuspus?

You know, cuspus, cuspus, cuspus, cuspus.

The Indian word for flip-flops is chappals, but the nickname, chatpats.

You know why? Because when you walk in, they go, chatpat, chatpat, chatpat,

chatpat.

When I was in India, they have these three-wheeler taxis, and I was with my

cousin. I go, hey, should I call a taxi? She goes, no, I will. Oi!

What the fuck is a fat fatia?

That's the noise they make.

Why is it we

can all hear the same sounds, but ethnically we can't describe it the same

way?

We can't.

If I ever have something I need to know the answer, like if there was a

situation, say there was a fight that broke out and I wanted to know what

happened, I would have to ask a white guy.

Because the white guy's the only one who'll describe it properly.

What happened? Oh my God, dude, this guy rolled up, he started talking shit, and

the other guy hit him.

It was over.

You ask an Indian guy the same question? I don't know what fucking noise he

heard.

What happened? This guy came up, blah, blah, blah, and then he hit him.

You heard Farrah fart?

Jamaicans are the worst! You ask them, what happened?

Why do I just come touch him and lick him in the blood and boogadoop!

Boogadoop?

Where the hell did you hear boogadoop?

You went to the bathroom just now, right? You went to the... What is your

name?

Bav?

Apparently some ladies like you in here, Bev.

Look at all fucking sheepish on me now, Bev.

How old are you, Bev?

28. Now, confirm this with me, Bev.

You're 28.

I'm 40.

Aren't Indian parents obsessed with their kids going to the bathroom?

It's true.

From the age of three, when you start going by yourself, for the rest of your

life, your parents want to know what's going on in there.

I'm 40 years old.

If I go to my mom's house, mom, can I use the bathroom? What do you want to

do?

Whatever I want to do, I can do it myself.

You cannot go to the bathroom around your parents. Indian parents, they want

to know.

They want to know before you go in. There's like the pre-game interview.

And then there's like the post-show press conference when you come out.

I remember five years old, I go to my dad. Dad, I got to go to the bathroom.

He goes, okay, okay, okay.

Big job or small job?

What? Big job or small job?

I don't know. I got a shit.

Big job.

Go. Go nicely. Go. Go nicely. Go. Go.

They always tell you to go nicely. What the fuck is go nicely?

When have you ever been sitting there and just not gone nicely? You know,

you're sitting there and all of a sudden you go, oh my God, I want to hammer

dance.

And then your dad comes in.

I didn't go nicely.

I come out of the bathroom. I'm five years old. My dad goes, how was it?

How was what? You went bathroom?

Was it healthy?

I'm five.

I'm not a shit expert.

It was eight pounds, six ounces.

You're a grand poo.

I have this theory.

Tell me if you agree with this theory.

How old are you there, boss?

42?

Really?

What the fuck happened?

You're two years older than me.

How did our lives waver so far apart? What happened?

When did you give up? That's what I want to know.

Okay, tell me if you agree with this theory, all right?

Please don't say you're younger than him. That'll really fucking ruin the...

Here's my theory, all right? Tell me what you think of this theory.

Say we all live till we're 80, right?

Let's just say we all live till we're 80. I have a theory that in your 80

years on this planet, you will have a minimum of five really great shits.

Now let me explain.

When I say great shits, I mean the kind that you fondly recall later in life.

Not the kind where you sit around and go, oh my God, remember the time I blew

up the bathroom? Not those.

And by blow up the bathroom, my Arab friends, I don't mean...

I don't mean pa-boom.

I mean...

When

I say fondly recall, I mean the kind where... You know the kind where you

come out of the bathroom and you feel lighter?

You go in feeling full and you come out and you're like, oh my God.

Like you shit out everything you've ever eaten in your life.

And not in a bad way, in a very comfortable way.

Like you come out of the bathroom like, I don't think I have diabetes anymore. I

think I just shit my cancer out is what I did.

I have a theory that we'll have a minimum of five.

But here's the thing.

When my dad was alive, towards the end of my dad's life, he got very sick. And

the doctor told my dad, he said, Mr. Peters, you're going to need to increase

your fiber intake.

And my dad somehow misunderstood that as I should have fiber all day, all night.

So my dad would literally sit there with a beer and a glass of Metamucil and be

like, Dad, what's that? Beer. What's that? Metamucil. Try it.

Tastes like orange.

So my dad was having so much fiber that he was actually having phenomenal shits

on a daily basis.

And I'm not trying to be gross or anything.

But my dad...

I remember one time going to my parents' house and my dad came out of the

bathroom and goes, son, son, you should see it.

It's incredible.

The length of my bloody arm.

It wouldn't break.

It was coiling in the toilet, coiling.

I literally had to stand up.

It's sticking out like the head of a cobra.

Come and see, I didn't flush. Come and see, I didn't flush it. Come and see.

That is disgusting, dad.

I'm going to flush it. Don't flush it. Your brother's not home.

I'm flushing it. You flush it and somebody's going to get hurt real bad.

Thank you very much, guys. Good night.

Be safe.