Original subtitles

[sonido de campanas]

[Heather] Oh, Dios, Ralph, ¿qué hiciste?

[Ralph] Solo quería darte la Navidad perfecta.

[Suena música navideña animada]

Finalmente.

Puedes llamarme Señor Navidad.

No sé cómo alguien puede vivir sin la Navidad.

Es más que una simple cuestión de mentalidad.

Para mí, es una forma de vida.

La música.

[Suena "Deck the Halls"]

[Ralph] Las luces.

La decoración.

Los dulces.

Los regalos.

Y, por supuesto, el árbol.

[maúllan]

[Ralph] Me encanta esta época del año.

Es perfecto.

Es todo tan mágico.

[Finaliza la música]

-[clics más suaves] -[gorgoteos de agua]

[exhala]

[Sibilancias, tos]

[Ralph] Bueno, tal vez no tanto este año.

-[clics más suaves] -[Ralph] Pero ya hablaremos de eso más tarde.

Ante todo, la Navidad gira en torno a la familia.

-[clics más suaves] -Lo que nos lleva al tema de mi familia.

[gorgoteo del agua]

[exhala]

Esa es mi esposa, Heather. Y mis hijos, Bridget y Tommy.

Mi familia es mi vida.

[tos]

Esa es mi abuela.

Ella me crió después de que mis padres fallecieran.

No te preocupes. Esto no te hará llorar.

Habrá mucha alegría navideña.

Gracias, abuela.

[risitas]

Te quiero, Ralphie.

¡Guau, esto es genial!

[risitas] Feliz Navidad, cariño.

Sé que te va a encantar esta película.

[Ralph] Olvídate de ¡Qué bello es vivir!

Y puedes volver a colocar a Elf en su estante.

Solo hay una película navideña que importa.

[Suena "También rocíe a Zaratustra"]

[Suena música de fondo alegre]

[risitas]

[padre] Muy bien, no dejen que estas chuletas de cerdo se enfríen.

-Eh, cariño, empiezas con las espinacas. -No soy muy fan de las espinacas.

En realidad no... Escuchen lo que dice este tipo.

Tu mamá se esforzó mucho en preparar la cena. Cómete las espinacas.

[Niño] Las chuletas de cerdo y las patatas tienen una pinta estupenda, mamá.

-Simplemente no me gustan las espinacas. -Bueno, las espinacas sí que se ven un poco secas.

-[risitas] -[el padre se ríe]

Ya casi es Navidad. No peleemos.

Así es. Ya casi es Navidad.

Todavía hay tiempo para entrar en la lista de los niños malos de Papá Noel.

¿En serio, papá, crees que me creo esas tonterías?

¿Cómo puede un solo hombre volar por todo el mundo?

¿Y darles regalos a todos y cada uno de los niños en una sola noche?

¿Y renos voladores?

¡Esto es un engaño! ¡Santa Claus es un farsante!

[jadeando]

Peter Ian Clark.

Ve a tu habitación.

Solo digo.

[Suena "It Came Upon a Midnight Clear"]

[suspira]

Oh.

¿Y renos voladores?

¡Esto es un engaño! ¡Santa Claus es un farsante!

[los padres se quedan boquiabiertos]

[abuelo] Peter Ian Clark.

[padre 2] Ve a tu habitación.

[Ralph, Peter] Pero solo digo.

Oh.

[clic más ligero]

[Ralph se ríe entre dientes]

[Ralph] Nadie debería estar solo en Navidad.

[Suena música misteriosa]

[gorgoteo del agua]

[Suena música intensa]

[carcajadas]

[risitas]

[hablando en un idioma alienígena]

[sonido de teléfono]

[sonido de teléfono]

Feliz Navidad por adelantado, papá.

Tommy y yo te traemos este StarChat para animarte.

Solo tienes que hacer clic en el enlace. Espero que te guste.

Adiós.

Qué monada.

Hola, Ralph, ¿cómo estás? Me llamo Curt Fields.

Interpreté a Peter en El alienígena que salvó la Navidad.

¡Santa Claus es un farsante! [risitas]

Bueno, eh, tus hijos me dijeron que era tu película favorita de todos los tiempos...

¡Pues sí!

[Curt] ...that you used to watch it all the time as a kid,

and you watched it with them when they were kids.

And I just wanted to say that that's really cool.

I'm so glad that the film has such a following.

Oh, and they also told me that you need to move on

from Heather.

Yeah.

Listen, dude, honestly, there's like...

There's nothing shameful about divorce.

Really, I mean, it's better than being in a loveless marriage.

Life is short,

and you of all people apparently should know that, so... [clicks tongue]

Oh, they also said that you need to sign up for Tinder.

Yeah.

-What's a Tinder? -All right, goodbye, Ralph.

Hang up on him.

What a fucking idiot this guy is.

How do I turn this off?

[Ralph] I don't know why Heather left me.

We had the perfect family with the perfect life.

Dad takes Christmas seriously. Like, really seriously.

[jazzy holiday music plays]

[car horn beeps]

Is that your dad?

Your sleigh awaits, kiddos.

[laughing]

-[Bridget] I hate you. -[Ralph] What?

That was four months after Christmas.

[sighs] Yeah. Right?

I mean, I used to love my dad's quirks.

What kid wouldn't want Christmas every day when they're little?

But it just gets kind of embarrassing.

Did you ever see that film Miracle on 34th Street?

You remember the line,

"Christmas isn't just a day, it's a frame of mind."

That is Ralph to a T.

It started out kind of cute.

Come here, Mrs. Claus.

I want you to make these bells jingle.

Oh, ring-a-ding-ding.

You're making my bells jingle.

You look ready to sit on Santa's lap.

Come here, you naughty little elf.

Elfie needs a spanky.

But it's just not so cute when it's every day.

You want to take a ride on my North Pole?

Santa left a big present for you under this tree.

[Ralph moaning]

[moaning continues]

Yes, Santa's coming.

Santa's coming! Oh!

Santa's coming. Oh!

Oh, Merry Christmas!

[groaning]

Oh, jingle bells.

[music ends]

[Ralph] I thought she was happy.

But she even unfriended me on Facebook.

Legally we're still married.

She asked me to move out. She wanted space.

Which I guess is code for "I wanna date other guys."

Who the fuck?

Look at Mr. Pretty Boy.

She never wanted to take pictures when we went there.

What a douche.

Oh, yeah, look at him.

Bodhi.

Bodhi Buttwhiff.

-[new age music plays] -I am many things.

A teacher.

A yogi.

A healer.

A lover.

-[Ralph] You gotta be kidding me. -You too can be many things.

Let me help you discover them and begin a new path.

Well, deck my halls.

[sighs]

You know what?

If she can get back in the game, so can I.

["Funky Xmas" playing]

[singer] ♪ Hit me, babe ♪

♪ Too hard ♪

♪ Whoo ♪

♪ Hey, hey ♪

♪ There's a party going on ♪

That's the one.

[singer] ♪ They gonna have a funky ♪

♪ Hey! Uh ♪

♪ A funky Christmas ♪

♪ It's gonna be a funky ♪

♪ Hey! A funky Christmas ♪

♪ They gonna have a funky ♪

♪ Hey ♪

♪ A funky Christmas ♪

♪ They gonna have a funky ♪

♪ Hey! A funky Christmas ♪

♪ They gonna have a funky ♪

Ow!

[singer] ♪ Hey ♪

♪ Party time ♪

♪ Hit me ♪

[coughs]

[singer] ♪ Hey ♪

♪ Snowman, hit me ♪

♪ A funky Christmas ♪

[record scratch]

This is gonna be a little bit of work.

But we'll start downstairs.

[singer] ♪ Hey, yeah ♪

♪ A funky Christmas There's gonna be a funky ♪

♪ Hey ♪

♪ A funky Christmas ♪

♪ Hit me ♪

♪ Hey ♪

[shouts]

♪ Party time ♪

God. [sobs]

[music ends]

[romantic music plays]

You look just like your picture.

[server] Here we go, a double dirty Shirley Temple for you, Mr. Claus,

and a Moscow mule for you, Mrs. Claus.

-[groans, chuckles] -[server] Enjoy.

Thank you.

-Cheers. -Oh.

-Bop! -[both chuckle]

[sighs] Christmas. You know?

[scoffs]

Candy canes.

Mistletoe.

[chuckles] Presents. Blah-blah-blah.

Who put coal in your stocking? [chuckles]

What? I love Christmas.

-I can see. -[both chuckle]

Yeah, it's fabulous, you know,

half the country wanting to kill the other half for saying "Happy Holidays."

It's not for me.

Don't be such a Scrooge.

[chuckles]

Bah humbug!

Every Christmas I'd go up to Big Bear with my family.

Mmm.

Right, you're divorced.

Legally, we're still married.

I just haven't signed the papers.

Oh.

Why not?

I haven't dated since apps were a thing,

but I assume you still shouldn't talk about past relationships.

Or current ones that your wife wants to end that you're still invested in.

Mmm. Schnitzel. Yum.

-[chuckles] -[groans]

-Wanna split it? -Uh, sure, yeah.

-We could share. -Ehh, no.

I don't really like to share. [chuckles]

-Separate plates. -Oh.

Yeah.

Okay.

And she loved the movie.

That's when I knew she was the one.

Hmm.

We had a few years to ourselves.

Able to sleep in.

Travel. [chuckles]

Meet under the mistletoe.

[both chuckle]

Mistletoe.

Have sex. [chuckles]

-Oh, yeah. -[Ralph chuckles]

And then the kids came along. There goes all that.

[chuckles]

They're a pain.

But I'd give my life for 'em.

Her too.

She's a wonderful wife and mother.

God, I still love her.

[whimpers]

What are you doing here with me?

Go get her.

Meet under the mistletoe.

[Ralph sighs]

You are so sweet.

-You're right. -Yeah!

-Can we get the check, please? -Thank you.

No problem. [chuckles]

Separate.

This was great.

[slurping]

I've gotta clean up my act if I'm going to get Heather back.

[upbeat music playing]

[music stops]

[music resumes]

[bell ringing]

Ho ho ho!

Ho ho ho!

Merry Christmas. Ho ho ho!

Ho ho ho!

Peace on earth.

And goodwill towards men. And women.

-Yes. -[chuckles]

Hmm.

[Santa] Make it a good one.

Please.

[doorbell chimes]

[doorbell chimes]

[chiming continues]

[gasps]

The kids.

[doorbell chimes]

Be right there!

[doorbell chimes]

Just a minute!

Hi, guys.

-Hey, Dad. -Come on in.

-Oh, Casa Single Dad. -Mmm.

[Ralph] Like many of her generation,

Bridget wants to be Insta-famous.

At least that's what I think they call it.

I have higher hopes for Tommy.

Did you get laid last night?

There's more to life than getting laid.

Oh. That's a no.

Okay, don't pick on Dad.

It's called wingman-ing.

Whatever.

I, um...

We know change can be difficult,

but we're very happy you're moving forward.

[waiter] Table for two?

We used to always come here.

Remember that time I let you try my coffee?

You were up all night.

Oh, God. Yeah.

[chuckles] Your mom got so mad.

Yeah. [chuckles]

Can you please not text while we're eating?

I'm not texting.

Emma Easterbrook sold her house in Silver Lake for $5 million.

Uh, she's a TikToker.

Don't go on that website.

They're mining our data for China.

Plus, you know...

well, there's perverts on there.

There's more pervs on her OnlyFans.

-Oh, shut it. -[scoffs]

Hey. Hey, hey, hey. Silent night.

Thank you.

Did you like your StarChat?

What's a StarChat?

Curt Fields? From your favorite movie?

-Oh, that. I did. -Yeah.

Thank you both.

But, um... did you...

mean all that stuff you said about...

or had him say, about me and Mom?

Uh, we love you and we love Mom.

We just don't love you together.

You love her and Bodhi together?

[Tommy] You know about Bodhi?

It's all over her Facebook.

-[mouthing] Facebook. -[Tommy sighs]

What kind of name's Bodhi anyway?

I think it's short for, like, Bodhisattva or something.

Do you even know what that means?

No, but I think it has something to do with, uh...

"Boobism." [laughs]

Sorry, sorry, yeah.

Oh, and I noticed he took her to New York.

Oh. Yeah, I know, right?

He told her they were just going up to Santa Barbara and then surprised her.

Mom says you were never that spontaneous.

[exhales shakily]

[whispers] Bridget.

Sorry.

It's okay.

You know, that was our third date.

[Tommy, Bridget] We know.

Figured if me taking her to The Alien Who Saved Christmas didn't scare her off...

then we might just work out.

Speaking of Christmas,

you guys have any plans? I thought maybe we could--

-We're going to Big Bear. -Shh!

[melancholy music playing]

Really? You're still going.

Even though I'm not.

So, how long has this been planned?

I can handle it.

I don't know. Months?

You guys have known for months?

We didn't want you to get hurt.

Can you stop looking at that thing?

Um, it's Mom. She's here to pick us up.

She's at the door.

Is there a law saying I can't take my kids to Big Bear?

Well, I should be there too.

It's always been our tradition.

Ralph, you need to accept new realities,

and you need to sign our divorce papers.

But there's stuff on there I don't agree with.

We've already been over everything, including custody.

But I mean everything,

the entire premise of the papers.

I don't think we should get divorced.

Ralph, I love you.

I will always love you.

But I'm not the same person I was 20 years ago.

I've moved on. We're on different planes now.

[scoffs] Planes?

Wow. Yeah, this Bodhi's really left his mark on you.

Oh, come on. You cannot deny we're on completely different planes.

No, we're not.

Well, except you have a 401(k) and I'm unemployed, but that's okay.

I'm working on it 'cause I had a job interview this week.

Thank you for taking the time to see me.

I know you're very busy.

Yes, very busy.

I just staffed up the annual Christmas parade.

Hmm!

My Santa showed up drunk.

Oh, I'm glad Christmas only comes once a year.

Oh. So, um, now, Mr., uh...

Bailey.

Ralph Bailey.

Ah. [chuckles] Ralph Bailey, yes.

Why did you leave your last position?

Nobody buys DVDs anymore. So everyone says.

I wrote movie synopses on the back of DVDs and Blu-rays.

Oh, how retro. [chuckles]

Well, do you have any digital experience?

Brand? CRM?

[sighs]

Well, what about retail experience?

Yes, seasonal.

You mean department stores?

I love Macy's in particular, but I also love Gimbel's.

I don't discriminate.

Okay. [chuckles] Okay.

We'll get back to you.

Do you validate?

Ralph, you not having a job is the least of your problems.

You need to start listening to me.

We've been over this time and time again.

Just move on. Sign the papers, all right?

I'm sorry.

Guys, come on.

-Bye, Dad. -Bye, Dad.

Bye.

[melancholy music continues playing]

"Possible mental issues." What the fuck?

You know what?

Two can play at that game.

Get my own lawyer.

Make that a discount lawyer.

Affordable.

[purrs]

-[jazzy Christmas music plays] -[water gurgling]

[alien mumbles]

[chuckles]

It's okay. Maybe we can start with the bacon.

-So, you're gonna grab it... -[alien mumbles]

...get it closer to your mouth.

[alien mumbles]

All right, good job, good job.

Take a big, nice bite out of it.

[alien slurping]

[gobbles]

-It's from a pig. [snorts] -[alien snorts]

An animal from a farm.

[alien snorting, grunting]

-[snorts] -[snorts]

[snorting continues]

-[sneezes] -[Peter laughing]

Splat. [laughs]

[Peter continues laughing]

[laughing continues]

[groans]

[pensive music playing]

[exhales shakily]

[whimpers]

[Ralph] In case it wasn't obvious,

this movie is very important to me.

I have a lot of memories attached to it.

It's my favorite movie.

[all chuckling]

My favorite scene is at the dinner table.

-Yeah. Yeah, that's it. -[Heather chuckles]

-[gobbles] -[growls]

-[laughs] -[chuckles]

[laughing]

[Curt] Those were the days.

Right, Ralph?

-[water gurgling] -Over here, buddy.

[clicks tongue] This guy.

Wow. [chuckles]

[chuckles]

Yeah, this is real. [chuckles]

-And I am acting as your conscience right now. -[giggling]

Or your subconscience. I don't know.

I didn't... I didn't go to high school.

[chuckles]

Yeah, right. This isn't real.

-Ow. -No, this is real.

And, Ralph, you need to listen to me.

Um... [chuckles] Okay, I guess.

So, Curt, what do you want?

You need to get Heather back.

Yeah, thanks, Captain Obvious. How do you propose I do that?

[laughs] How?

Ralph, the answer is right in front of you.

[dramatic sting plays]

The Alien Who Saved Christmas on 4K?

No! It's me, stupid.

-I can help. -[sighs]

I don't think a StarChat's gonna move that needle.

No, it's literally me. Take me with you to Big Bear.

I'm not even going there.

And if I was, tell me, why would I take you?

Don't you get it?

It's me, not the alien, who's gonna save your Christmas.

-I don't get it. -[scoffs]

How many times has my movie given you joy?

How many times have I given you and your family joy?

If you take me to Big Bear,

I'm gonna remind Heather of all those happy, happy, happy times with you.

And believe me, she's gonna forget all about this divorce nonsense.

And flying reindeer? I call shenanigans.

Santa's a crock!

[both gasp]

This is great.

I love you guys. And I love Christmas.

[singer] ♪ Fire is glowing ♪

-♪ Outside it's snowing ♪ -Oh.

-♪ And Santa's on his way ♪ -Excuse me.

♪ Cozy without a care ♪

♪ Far from the frosty air ♪

♪ Snow is here That special kind of feeling ♪

♪ Christmas cheer And a shimmerin' tree-- ♪

Hmm.

That could work.

[sighs]

Okay, sweetie, I just got off the phone with them.

Here's the deal.

It shoots January 3rd in Bulgaria.

It's a small scene, no dialogue,

but basically you're the whole scene.

It's just you dancing down the street naked.

Yes, completely naked.

Pretty sure that's what naked means.

Oh, my God! No, it's not porno. It's HBO.

I just thought you'd be thrilled.

On location in Bulgaria, no lines to memorize.

[scoffs] Hell, you don't even have to go to wardrobe fittings.

Yeah, you might get a little chilly,

but you'll warm up once you start dancing.

-[intercom beeps] -Oh, I gotta go. I'll talk to you later.

-Yeah? -[receptionist] Mr. Bailey here to see you.

-Who? -Ralph Bailey.

He says he has a role for Curt.

For Curt? Send him in.

Hi, I'm Ralph Bailey.

I don't do the touching thing.

Oh, no, not there. Sit over there.

Oh.

Holy shit... [chuckles]

...you're into the holiday spirit.

Oh, thank you. And it's okay to say "Christmas" around me.

Oh. Thanks.

Okay, so you have a job for Curt.

I do. But first, thank you for seeing me.

I realize this isn't the traditional way of dealing with an agent,

but I wouldn't say this is a traditional role.

Yeah, traditional-schmaditional. What's the money? [chuckles]

Is it a big role?

It's more supporting, but it's a key role.

He's the one who helps our hero save his family on Christmas Day.

Uh-uh, don't touch the desk.

So, you're saying he's kind of like the cop in Die Hard who helps Bruce Willis?

You know, the-the dad in Family Matters.

Sort of.

If the hero was someone who grew up on Curt's movie

and wants him to come to Big Bear with me and my family

to recreate a scene from The Alien Who Saved Christmas.

"Flying reindeer? I call shenanigans. Santa's a crock!"

-[sighs] -Which would surprise my family

and also help me save my marriage.

Uh-huh. Okay, great, got it. Uh, Kendall!

I have another meeting, so...

Kendall? Yes, yes, you can see him out now.

Thank you. Thank you.

So nice to meet you, Mr., uh...

-Bailey? Bailey, Bailey, yes. -Bailey.

Should I leave my number with you?

What a fucking wacko.

Like they say, if at first you don't succeed, try, try again.

I'll just have to find Curt on my own.

[dramatic music plays]

Ooh.

Xmas Con.

Yeah, this is gonna be cool.

[Christmas music playing]

[chuckles] There he is.

Nice to see ya. I like that shirt.

-Hi. -How are ya?

-[chuckles] Ralph. -Okay.

I can't believe it's actually you.

-Oh, thanks. Ow. -In the flesh!

I've probably seen your movie over a thousand times.

Wow, that's a lot. That's a lot of viewings.

I used to watch it with my grandma every single day.

Oh, well, thank you for that.

It was a tradition.

That's so sweet. She sounds like a very special woman.

-[Ralph] Yes. -Cool, cool. All right.

So, um... [stammers] ...before I get that,

'cause I want to get one of each of those...

[Curt] Okay.

The other day I was watching the new 4K version of your movie...

[Curt] Uh-huh?

...and you started talking to me.

I did?

And you pitched me this wild idea, and I'm like, "Wow."

Okay.

So we are going to Big Bear, and you are going to help me save my family today.

Of course I am.

I-I've got the car packed.

Don't worry, I brought a change of clothes for you.

I got a toothbrush, I got a hairbrush, shampoo.

-Anything you need, I'm ready. -Great.

-Yeah. [chuckles] Yeah. -Security! [clears throat]

Somebody?

Do you want a signed picture while we're here?

Oh, God, yes. Yes. Um, can you-- can you sign it, "To Ralph"?

-[Curt] Yeah. -"My-My BFF Ralph."

Actually, spell out "best friend forever."

"My best friend forever, Ralph." Can you underline the "my"?

I'll just wait in the car.

[Ralph] Oh, well, on to plan B.

Desperate times call for desperate measures.

Hope this doesn't get me on the naughty list.

Hmm. Well, that's interesting.

Popular at raves?

Yeah, yeah.

That's it.

I'm gonna put my party pants on.

What do people wear to raves?

Gotta wear something tight.

I got my skinny jeans.

[techno music playing]

[techno music continues playing]

How's it going, dude? [chuckles]

-Blissful, man. -Yeah, man.

Do you by chance know where I could get some ketamine?

-[scoffs] Narc? Yo, this guy's a narc! -No.

-[chuckling] No, no, no. -Narc, narc.

Sorry, folks. I'm just a regular guy looking to score some ketamine.

Buddy.

Look for the heads in a K-hole.

-K-hole. -K-hole.

K-hole.

It's okay. Don't be shy. [chuckles]

-Come on, man. [laughing] -Oh. Yeah.

-Join us. -Oh, thank you, um... Whoa.

But... But no, thank you.

All right, come back when you're ready.

Okay, I will.

Ooh. [chuckles]

Whee!

[techno music continues playing]

Excuse me.

Where'd you get your ketamine?

Where'd you get your ketamine?

I can help.

You a cop?

Me, a cop?

I'm just looking for a little Christmas cheer.

Come on, would a cop ask for drugs so brazenly?

Maybe. Just to fuck with people.

Either way, you're gonna have to prove you're not the police.

And there's only one way to do that.

Drop 'em.

-[chuckles] -You heard me, playboy.

Everything.

[clears throat]

Hey, yo, man, what you do to your junk?

I joined Tinder. [chuckles]

You good. There ain't no wire.

Pick it up now.

How much you need, man?

[exhales]

How much of this is even enough?

[sighs]

Only one way to find out.

Nothing.

[scoffs]

Figures.

[upbeat music playing]

[Ralph] Don't worry. I'm not gonna go in there and jab him.

Too many witnesses.

I'll just wait here, listen to my tunes

and pick my moment.

Jesus Christ, Diane.

Calm down, sweetie.

Listen, I know that a real comic con

might be a little ambitious right now,

but I'm sitting in a fucking liquor store on Canoga.

You couldn't even book me something in Sherman Oaks?

Take the money, honey.

There is no money.

No, it's just some goofy dude who came with a couple of tubes.

-[scoffs] Fuck. [sighs] -[phone beeps]

Oh, fuck yeah.

Let's have lunch.

You can do this.

I believe.

I believe.

It's silly,

but I believe.

I believe.

I believe.

Whoa, whoa. Whoa, cowboy. Ten bucks, pal.

I thought it was free.

Yeah, the buffet is free, but the admission is ten bucks.

That's false advertising.

Really? You wanna whine about it, or do you wanna go in?

'Cause it's ten bucks.

Thank you.

Asshole.

[on speakers] ♪ I've got Some presents for Santa ♪

♪ And he's got A big one for me ♪

♪ Outside it snows I take off all my clothes ♪

♪ Wait for Santa Underneath my tree ♪

♪ He squeezes into My hot chimney ♪

♪ Where it's Oh, so warm and tight ♪

[song continues playing]

Save my seat?

♪ I'm so very glad He came here ♪

♪ It's only once a year But what a night ♪

♪ Santa Claus takes a pause From his long night Of delivering ♪

♪ His big North Pole Can sure get cold... ♪

[song continues playing, indistinct]

[Curt] Dude, that stall is open.

Dude, if you want an autograph, just wait.

Ow! Ow!

Fuck, that hurt! What the fuck, man?

What the fuck is in that thing, huh?

Huh?

-What the fuck? -[grunting]

God. [grunting]

Oh.

[grunts] Fuck! Oh.

-[gasping] -[Curt grunting]

♪ ...Wait for Santa I take off all my clothes ♪

Okay. Whoo.

You overdid it, buddy.

Too much tequila. [chuckles]

Come on.

-Here we go. Here we go. -♪ Merry Christmas ♪

-[Curt] Oh, I'm coming. -[Ralph] Okay.

[Curt slurring words] We're coming. Everybody's coming.

All right. All right.

[laughing]

[mutters] Stop it.

-Really? -[both groan]

Don't go anywhere.

I think I left my keys in the bathroom.

Yeah, you probably did. Hold on.

Twenty bucks.

Really? I was just in here, and it was ten bucks.

Yeah, I know.

I saw you dragging that guy out to your car.

It's kind of creepy, buddy. Now it's 20 bucks.

-[upbeat rock music playing] -[laughs]

[Ralph] Almost there, jingle buddy.

Oh.

[siren wailing]

[whimpers]

Fudgsicles.

Oh, Santa, I'm fucked.

[music ends]

Okay. Okay.

Okay, here we go.

License and registration.

Did I do something wrong, Officer?

You clocked ten miles over the limit.

You LA people need to slow it down.

Sorry about that. Humbug on me. [chuckles]

-[chuckles] -Where are you going?

Up to Big Bear for Christmas.

-By yourself? -Oh, gosh, no. [chuckles]

Christmas is about family. Mine will be up there tomorrow.

You're driving separately?

Yeah, you know, schedules.

The wife and kids have things going on,

so I thought I'd get up there early and decorate,

create the perfect Christmas for them.

[chuckles]

I just hope it snows.

Nothing beats a... ♪ White Christmas ♪

[chuckles]

Should be a wet Christmas.

Rainstorm's coming. Might be mudslides.

Hope you brought plenty of supplies.

[Curt farting]

[chuckling]

Breakfast burrito. Whoo! [chuckles]

[laughing]

[both laughing]

-Whoo! Whoo-hoo! -[officer laughing]

Yeah, it's a bad one. [chuckles] Yeah.

Whoopsie.

Slow it down.

Happy holidays.

Thank you, Officer.

-["Jingle Bells" playing] -And Merry Christmas to you.

["Jingle Bells" continues playing]

[Ralph] Home sweet Christmas home.

["Jingle Bells" ends]

[stammering] What are you...

What the...

What the fuck are you doing, man?

What the fuck did you do to me?

It's okay. I'm not gonna hurt you. [chuckles]

Who are you?

And why am I here?

Hey, help! Somebody get me out of here!

Why am I duct taped to a fucking chair, man?

Help!

-[Ralph grunts] -[yelps]

Ow.

Sorry. I've never done this before.

Wh-Why did you kidnap me?

[sighs]

-I had no choice. -What?

Your agent kicked me out of her office.

Diane?

What are you talking about, man?

Well, I just...

I just want to give my family the perfect Christmas. That's all.

Okay, wait a minute. Rewind.

You talked to my agent?

Diane, yes. But it didn't go well.

And so I started this whole other plan.

And I know it's the right answer.

I mean, my wife's gonna come, and my kids are gonna come.

And you're gonna be here, and you're the star of the show. [chuckles]

Showtime!

And she's gonna love me again. And I know you can do this for me.

Will you do it for me, please? Wh-What do you think?

I think I need a new agent.

Wait a second. You were gonna pay me?

How much?

A thousand?

A thousand?

I-I-I know it's not a lot, but, you know, I had to move out.

I haven't been working, so it's not the best look for a guy my age.

Yeah.

Wait. Would you have done it?

Come on, man.

I was signing autographs in a liquor store

in the Valley.

[sighs] Well, if I knew that, I wouldn't have done all this.

-Oh. -God, I am so sorry.

Ah, it happens.

-I'll still pay you. -Okay.

Just promise me you won't go to the police.

And you promise me you're not gonna stick another syringe in me.

-Deal. -[laughs]

-[laughs] Oh. -Deal.

[Ralph growls]

Yeah.

-Oh, yeah, I'll... Yeah, okay. -Yeah.

-Here we go. -And my face really hurts, man.

Oh, I'm sorry.

-[Ralph] Check this out. Yeah. -[Curt] Mm-hmm.

There he is, in all his fucking glory.

-"Bah-die." -Yeah, it's "Bow-dee."

-[Curt] Bodhi? -[Ralph] Yeah.

What the hell does that even mean, Bodhi? I mean, it's like, uh...

What's the name they gave Patrick Swayze in that surf movie?

-I know, right? -Yeah.

-It means "bodhisattva." -Bodi-what?

-Bodhisattva? -What the hell is that?

I don't know. Something to do with Buddhism.

Oh.

-Let me see if he's on TikTok. -Heather doesn't like rings.

-Ah. Here he is. [chuckles] -[groans]

[finger harp playing]

-Yeah, dude, this guy works out. -Yeah.

-He's sucking his stomach in. -[Bodhi] Too many of us cling to the past.

-[Ralph] I can tell. -[Curt] He looks pretty big, dude.

I can work out. I just don't really have the time.

-No, you're right. Yeah. -I have kids, you know. He doesn't have kids.

-Yeah, sure. -You need to turn the tide.

Don't let the past destroy you.

-I'm telling you, man, he's like shiny too. -Yeah.

That's natural sweat. That's not a... that's not an oil.

-Yeah? -That's... No, you could tell.

-I'm in the business. I could tell. -Oh.

-I mean, he's pretentious. I mean... -[Curt] Yeah.

[Ralph] He thinks he's hot.

-Yeah, he looks smug, right? -Mm-hmm.

I'll give you that. He looks like a smug dude.

I would not want to have a beer with him.

You're gonna be good, dude. This guy's like a total douchebag, right?

-Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Look at that. -And besides,

-you got a plan. -I do.

-Thank you. -Yeah.

-Yeah. -You got this, buddy.

-Fuck him. Mmm. -Mm-hmm.

I figure we spend all morning hanging lights, decorating and stuff.

They probably won't get here till right before dinner, so I'll cook.

I should hide my car.

Don't wanna ruin the surprise.

And then what about old Curt here, huh?

When do you want me to pop on in the scene?

You should stay up in the attic for a bit.

Maybe go up there in the late afternoon.

I can give you a cue when you should come down.

All right, what's the cue gonna be?

"Flying reindeer? I call shenanigans."

-And then you come down and go... -"Santa's a crock!"

[both chuckle]

You really think this is gonna win her back, huh?

She's going to love it.

[sentimental music playing]

[gasps] I love it.

Now you look just like little Peter in our movie.

"Flying reindeer. I call shenanigans."

Ah, come on. Say it.

"Santa's a crock!"

[chuckles]

I love you, Grandma.

[Grandma] And I love you, sweetie pie.

[door opens]

They're here?

[Ralph] It's physically impossible for Bridget to wake up

early on a weekend.

[suspenseful music playing]

That fucker.

[Curt] Do you recognize me?

"Santa's a crock!"

[growls]

[suspenseful music continues]

[phone chimes]

[phone chimes]

[music intensifies]

[Ralph gasping]

Oh, God.

What the...

You're not supposed to be here.

Neither are you.

Look, I know this is awkward, okay?

But we can be mature about this.

[Ralph] Whoa.

Huh. Okay.

I thought you believed in nonviolence.

Oh, I do, yeah.

I also believe in Muay Thai.

[both grunt]

Oh. [coughing]

She told me you guys were through. I would never cockblock someone.

That's bad karma.

Come on, mate, let's talk this out. No reason for you to get hurt.

Hey, hey, hey.

Look, put it down. We can talk about this, all right? I...

Man to man, eye to eye. No poker involved.

This place is sacred.

You don't belong here.

Hey, hey, hey, hey.

Easy. Easy, Ralph. Put that down. Come on, it's the holidays.

It's Christmas.

And that's... my...

-wife... -[groans]

-[thuds] -[Bodhi screaming]

[gasps]

[ominous music playing]

[gasping] Fuck.

Oh, no. Fuck!

What did I do?

God. Fuck!

Goddamn it!

[banging on door]

Oh, my God.

-[banging continues] -[voice at door] What's going on in there?

I'll be right there.

[banging continues]

Everything's fine.

-[banging continues] -Be right there.

-[banging continues] -Hold on!

I'm your neighbor next door over.

What in God's name is going on in there? I heard screaming.

Oh, that?

It's nothing, really. It's just my friend.

He, um, burned his hand on the stove, but he's fine.

Sounds unpleasant.

I was an army medic. Let me have a look at it.

Oh, no, no, no, no. It's okay. He's just fine.

Burns are not to be taken lightly.

Really, I should look at it.

That's very generous of you, but seriously, he's okay.

Well, tell him to be careful next time.

And keep the noise down.

You vacation renters make too much noise.

I don't like noise.

Copy that. No noise. [chuckling]

Ixnay on the noise.

Merry Christmas.

[door closes]

-[Curt gasps] -Wait, wait, wait, don't.

[Curt] Is that Bodhi?

What the fuck, man?

You killed him.

Uh, technically it was an accident.

I know that you were pissed at him for fucking your wife,

but isn't this a little extreme?

Well, maybe if you woke up like a normal person

when a fight's happening in the living room,

then you could have helped and he wouldn't be dead.

Are you blaming me?

No, no. I'm-- I'm sorry, it's--

We need to get rid of the body.

What do you mean? Like, bury him?

Uh, I don't know.

It's not like we can go out digging graves

in the middle of the day.

I've got an idea.

Oh.

["Deck the Halls" playing]

Go with me.

[Ralph singing] ♪ Deck the halls ♪

♪ With boughs of holly ♪

♪ Fa, la, la, la, la La, la, la, la ♪

[Curt strains] God, are you even pulling?

Stop whining. Come on.

[panting]

[sighs] Well...

He's gonna smell.

There's Febreze in the bathroom.

I'll go get it.

Right now?

Come on, man.

I just helped you drag a corpse up into the attic.

Let me go wash my fucking hands.

Okay, I'll be down in a minute.

[exhales deeply]

This is insane.

What are you doing here, huh?

Just make the call, Curt. Just make the call.

Who are you calling?

[dispatcher on phone] 911. What is your emergency?

Hey...

-[dispatcher] Hello? -Listen, I shouldn't be here.

-It's-- -[dispatcher] Hello?

[sighs]

I told you it was an accident.

Ralph, you-- you-- you kidnapped me.

I'm paying you.

Look, if it's about the money, I can get you some more.

I just need to move some stuff around.

It's just that you're--

you're kind of a psychopath, Ralph.

Now, that's hardly the Christmas spirit.

[Curt sighs]

Ow!

What the fuck, man?

More?

No more! Fuck! Twice?

Fuck, fuck, fuck!

What the fuck is your--

What is this?

Holy shit!

What are you doing? That's so weird.

-Do you want to fight? -Mm-hmm.

Is this fighting? It's so stupid.

Come on! Bring that shit!

[Ralph] I'm not gonna bore you with another fight.

Just know that Curt doesn't take Muay Thai.

You broke my fucking nose.

I need a doctor.

Tough Christmas cookies.

[Curt] Oh, for God's sake, man,

why are you so obsessed with Christmas?

I am not obsessed with Christmas.

[Curt scoffs]

I love Christmas.

Anyway, it's a very long story.

Started when I was ten.

[intriguing music playing]

[Grandma] Oh, my God.

What should I say to Ralphie?

[breathing shakily]

Oh, my God.

[exhales shakily]

Okay.

[Ralph] Grandma vowed to destroy that horrible Christmas memory for me.

She decided giving me Christmas 365 days a year was the answer.

Everything's gonna be all right.

[Ralph] She believed if Christmas never ended,

then I would never have to feel the pain of losing my parents.

[sorrowful music playing]

Grandma took care of me and...

Wow.

That's, like, a really sad story and stuff.

I'm sorry.

[sighs]

So where do we go from here?

[Ralph] First, silence Mr. Figgy Pudding.

[upbeat, playful music playing]

Next, get rid of the douchebag's car.

And then it's time to clean up.

Lastly, make dinner.

"Meatless Beef-Style Meatballs."

Yummy.

[door lock clicking]

Time to get my jingle on.

[door closes]

Dad?

Sorry. I didn't mean to scare you.

-What are you doing here? -Holy shit.

Language. It's almost Christmas.

I think it's appropriate in this case.

What the actual fuck, Ralph?

I'm being spontaneous.

Seriously, what are you doing here?

It's Christmas. It's our tradition.

Not anymore.

You need to leave.

And go where?

Home, a hotel, Airbnb. I don't care. Leave.

Two nights before Christmas. It'll be impossible.

Maybe you should have thought of that before you left.

Come on, give me a break. Be of good cheer.

Besides, you've got the space. I can sleep on the couch.

I'll be a good little boy, I promise. Scout's honor.

-Um, Dad... -[sizzling]

-[smoke detector beeping] -Uh...

Oh, God.

[smoke detector continues beeping]

Chinese?

This is nice.

Just like old times.

Dad screws up dinner, orders Chinese,

and we watch The Alien Who Saved Christmas.

Will you put away that phone, please?

[scoffs]

Listen to your mother.

Thank you.

She's right though. You and that film.

Whatever happened to that little boy?

He was so cute.

-[Tommy] Drugs. -Really?

Hmm, yeah, Curt Fields's a major druggie.

-Oh, that's not good. -[Tommy] No.

-[clattering] -Mmm.

What was that?

Um, probably rats.

Ew, if there's rat poop on my stuff...

[Tommy] What if it's like a home invasion? That'd be sick.

Seriously?

Ralph, that was way too big of a noise to be a rat.

Raccoon?

What-- Don't raccoons have, like, rabies?

No worse than, like, whatever you have.

-[Bridget] You're such a child. -[Heather] Enough.

It's, uh, probably a box or something that fell down.

Let's just enjoy a nice family dinner.

[ominous music playing]

Uh, guys.

Are there pipes up there?

I don't think attics have pipes.

[sniffs]

I think it's pee.

Okay, Ralph, you need to get up there...

Oh, my God, Bridget!

...now!

[Bridget] Dad, go do something.

Go!

Honey, back away from that.

Oh, man.

You pissed yourself.

Oh, fuck.

Please don't be dead.

[Ralph groans]

[gasps]

Okay.

[exhales deeply]

[phone chimes]

Is she texting him again?

Snowballs.

[intriguing music playing]

[Ralph] I'm sorry, Heather, but once again,

desperate times call for desperate measures.

Make that "necessary measures."

Who's clueless now?

[footsteps]

Everything's fine. I took care of it.

What's wrong?

Bodhi broke up with her via text.

-Tommy. -[Tommy] What?

He, um...

He said we were moving too fast.

[breathing shakily] Okay.

Ooh. Ooh.

I have a confession.

[laughs]

He was gonna come up here tomorrow,

spend Christmas with us.

Are you serious?

It was gonna be a surprise.

You won't let Dad stay,

but you invited your boyfriend?

That is what grown-ups do.

They try each other on.

They spend time with each other's families

and see if they want to take it to the next step.

But obviously that's not gonna happen,

so the two of you, you can just relax.

You can stay the night. Sofa.

Yeah.

I thought the two of you liked him.

We do. Just...

Not "spend time with the family at Christmas" like him.

Yeah.

It's okay. I'll give you the perfect Christmas.

["Joy to the World" playing]

What?

[Heather, Ralph chuckling]

So sweet.

Thank you, thank you. I love you guys so much.

Oh, I love our family.

I love you, Ralph.

[Heather] I need to be alone.

Excuse me.

[footsteps receding]

[phone buzzes, rings]

Hey, girl, what's up?

Hey. How's Christmas with the Kranks?

Gina. [chuckles]

Hi, Gina.

Oh.

Hi, Mr. Bailey.

Oh, my God, I have to tell you what happened at dinner.

So we were sitting there just eating, right?

And all of a sudden...

[scoffs]

Kids and their phones, am I right?

You're full of holiday cheer.

Yeah, Dad.

How about we put on our jammies and have some hot chocolate?

Um, I don't know, I'm kind of tired

and, like, today's been extra long.

Oh.

Good night, Dad.

Night.

[humming "Silent Night"]

["Silent Night" playing]

[snoring]

Nighty night.

Sleep tight. Don't let the bedbugs bite.

Dad.

-Oh, sweetie. -What are you doing?

Uh, checking your presents.

It's the middle of the night.

I, uh--

I had a dream that my car got broken into,

and then I woke up

and realized I'd left your presents in my car,

so I wanted to bring them inside and,

you know, put them somewhere safe. [chuckles]

At two o'clock in the morning?

You look stressed.

Do you think she'll take me back?

Way to change the subject.

Um, yeah.

I mean, she's vulnerable right now, so...

So if I give her a real special Christmas,

she might want to get back together?

It's worth a shot.

I love you, honey.

I love you too, Dad.

-Good night. -Night.

[gentle music playing]

[thunder rumbling]

[bright music playing]

You're such a sweet boy, Ralphie.

Grandma.

Everything's gonna be all right, precious.

But, Grandma...

[shushes]

Go back to sleep.

Go back to sleep, sweetheart.

[soft groaning]

[warbling indistinctly]

[humming "Jingle Bells"]

Morning.

Good morning.

One more day till Christmas.

Thank you.

Oh, and I made breakfast.

Oh.

It looked better on Pinterest.

I bet.

Look at Dad making breakfast.

Can you please?

With the phone.

How are you holding up?

Fine.

Well, I'm here if you want to talk.

It's nice being here together.

So many memories.

You said your first words in the living room.

I know, I know.

"Santa Claus," except I said "Thanta Claus."

Adorable.

How precious. Bridget had a lisp.

I was two, dweeb.

Guys, please.

I'm being serious.

And Tommy, falling down on the icy steps

and breaking your arm.

We had to go to the ER.

These aren't things to get nostalgic for.

You don't understand.

They are.

Because we had each other.

How's the food?

It's fine.

Ralph.

I'm sorry, I-- I didn't mean to get all schmaltzy.

Shoot, I forgot to bring a ham.

I can run out to get one after the kids and I finish decorating.

You don't need to do that.

Listen, I think we should--

I can also make eggnogs.

After dinner, we can put on a fire and--

You need to leave.

[exhales] Whoa.

Please, after breakfast, you--

You really need to leave, Ralph.

It's Christmas.

We should be here together.

The kids want me here.

But I don't.

I-I know how important Christmas is to you, Ralph,

but you just can't show up here unannounced

and expect me to take you back.

It's borderline--

No, it's-- it's actually stalker behavior.

I could have called the police on you, Ralph.

That's a little harsh.

Not really.

It's time, Ralph. You need to face reality.

It's over.

[sighs]

You just need to leave. Just go.

[Bridget] He can't.

I know you like having your dad here.

-It's great that-- -No, he-- he literally can't.

[Heather sighs]

A Christmas miracle.

Where are you off to?

I'm gonna go get the ham before the roads entirely close up.

Bridget, come with me.

Let's leave the decorating to the boys.

Come on, honey.

It's guy time.

These are "waffly" delicious, Dad. [chuckles]

[ornaments clattering]

[creaking]

[chuckles]

[creaking]

[chuckles]

[suspenseful music playing]

The Grinch has awoken.

Ah, fuck you.

Let me out of here.

You're a mean one, Mr. Fields. You know I can't do that.

You were gonna call the cops.

Because you killed a guy.

It was an accident.

Besides, you're no angel, Mr. Rehab/Sex Tape.

So what?

It's better than O.J.ing some yoga dude.

What are you gonna do, just leave me up here to die?

God, no.

I need you for tonight.

You still want me to surprise your family?

I'll pay you more.

Make up for the whole "duct-taping you in the attic next to a dead guy" thing.

How much more?

Hold on.

-A couple thousand? -Oh.

I'll have to take it out of my 401(k),

so it might take a couple weeks.

What do you think?

[chuckles] I think my hands are numb.

Please, just-- just for, like, a little while.

Okay.

But just for a little bit.

Hi, Tommy.

I'm just going to the attic to un-duct-tape Curt Fields.

Care to join?

No? Hmm.

[sighs] Thank you.

Merry early Christmas.

[Ralph grunts]

[Curt] Fuckin' weirdo!

I'm fucking done.

Dude, you're just too fucking weird!

Come on, hey, I can take it.

Want a fuckin' piece of that?

Huh?

Fuck you!

[Ralph] Whoa.

-Fuckin' hit you. -Fuckin' bring it!

[woman moaning]

[woman gasps]

Yeah, come on!

Come on, bitch! Right here.

You want one? Huh?

And another one where that came from.

[Ralph] Whoa, whoa, whoa!

[Curt] Yeah.

[Curt grunts]

No, no, no, no, Ralph, just put the scissors down.

Look at me. Look at me. It's Curt.

It's little Curt Fields.

Come on, man, you're not gonna stab me.

I'm your friend.

-No. -You need me.

I need you.

Okay.

[exhales]

[breathes deeply] Okay.

-[grunting] -[screams]

[screaming] Fuck!

-[whimpers] -[Curt] Oh!

[screams]

Oh, God, I'm sorry! Oh, no.

-[groans] -[woman moans]

[woman] Mmm, yeah.

Oh, yeah, big boy. Put it in.

[Curt] Oh, it's fucking in there!

It's in me!

-I'm sorry. Oh, my God. -[Curt] Fuck! [cackles]

-Fuck! -I'm sorry.

Oh, God! [screams]

[crying]

[screams]

[vomits]

[straining]

[sobbing] Fuck.

I'm okay.

Oh, you're okay. Good to know.

[woman groans]

[moaning]

Oh, it's so big.

[moaning intensifies]

[Ralph] No, no, no, I wouldn't.

[exclaims]

[Curt screams]

[panting]

Ah.

[panting] I should see a doctor.

Later. We can't do that right now.

You actually stabbed me.

It was an accident.

Why is everything an accident with you?

Want me to stab your other hand?

You want me to bleed all over your fucking attic?

-[duct tape rips] -Come on, give me your hand.

-[winces] -Okay.

I'll take you to the doctor later tonight, I swear.

I just need you to come down when you hear my cue.

Flying reindeer, I call shenanigans,

and then you come down,

hang out for a bit, maybe talk about the movie.

And then I'll take you to the hospital.

-Okay? -Okay.

-Yeah. -Yeah.

There.

All better.

[woman] Oh, my God, I'm close. I'm close.

Oh, my God. Yes, yes! [panting]

[moans] Oh, my God, I'm coming, I'm coming.

-Hello? -[gasps]

Do you want me and Mom to get back together?

-Yes. -Then help me with the lights.

It looks like there's a big storm brewing outside,

so we'll have to decorate inside instead.

Come on. Up.

I'm already up.

[cheerful Christmas music playing]

[singer] ♪ It's such a magical time ♪

♪ Everything glows ♪

♪ The presents all dressed In their ribbons and bows ♪

♪ For loved ones you know... ♪

Wow, looks great, guys.

Merry Christmas.

It's beautiful.

Thanks.

Let me help you with those bags.

[singer] ♪ There's presents and toys ♪

♪ Everyone's here For the season at last ♪

♪ Just like the days Of Christmases past ♪

♪ Every tree With a star up high... ♪

[groans]

[chuckles]

[singer] ♪ ...Christmas time ♪

♪ It's such a magical day... ♪

[laughing]

-Here we go. -Ah.

Cheers.

It's cool, right?

[chuckles]

Mm-hmm.

What? They're gingerbread men.

[laughing]

-Everybody ready? -[Heather] Yeah.

Three, two, one.

[Heather laughs]

Oh, it's beautiful.

Great job.

Thank you.

Everyone, I do believe at this moment, everything is just perfect.

Cheers.

Cheers.

Wow, Mom, this is, like, your best ham ever.

Thank you.

Do you really think your followers give a shit about your dinner?

Tommy, language.

-Bridge, no phone. -Fine.

Uh-uh, not in here. Out of sight, out of mind.

Please.

Can I have some?

-Seriously. -It's Christmas.

Christmas isn't about getting drunk, it's about being with family.

Right, family.

[scoffs] I thought it was about the birth of Jesus.

It's about turning us all into good little capitalists.

Jeez, Bridge, when did you become such a commie?

Santa was literally used to sell Coca-Cola.

Krampus trumps Santa.

-Oh, my God, you are such a geek. -Bite me.

No thanks. Don't want your STDs.

Oh, that's funny 'cause Gina didn't tell me she had anything

last time we were hanging out together.

-Oh, like Gina would hang out with a dork like you. -Yeah, absolutely--

Enough!

We just need a little order here.

-Tommy. -What?

Cool it.

You know how much Christmas means to your dad.

-I'm sorry. -No, no, I'm sorry.

I'm really glad you were able to stay.

It means so much to the kids and it's good for you.

-So when we get back to LA... -Yeah?

This really is the perfect Christmas.

...I need you to sign those papers, Ralph.

But... But, um...

But-but what about all this?

We're having a meal together. As a family.

On Christmas Eve.

I know, and I love that.

I love that we're all here.

But it doesn't mean we're gonna get back together.

I'm sorry, Ralph, but this is our new reality.

We're getting a divorce.

Sorry, kids.

Flying reindeer, I call shenanigans.

Flying reindeer. I call shenanigans.

Flying reindeer! I call shenanigans!

Ralph, what is going on?

[mischievous music playing]

[laughing] Santa's a crock!

-Is that really-- -The guy from--

-The Alien Who Saved-- -Christmas!

[laughing]

-[laughing] -What?

Oh, what is going on, Ralph?

I'm your Christmas present.

Old Ralphie here thought that my being here for Christmas

would save your marriage.

He loves you a lot.

-Oh, Ralph. -I do.

[laughs]

This is the best Christmas ever.

I love you.

Sweetheart, I love you so much.

-I love you. -I need you.

I love you and I need you

-and I want you. -I love you more.

Ew!

Um, Dad?

Dad?

-Little more. Little more. -[Bridget] Dad!

Oh. [chuckles]

Why are you talking to the ceiling?

Um...

I-I was just thinking of a line.

Uh, from the movie.

The Alien Who Saved Christmas, of course. [chuckles]

-Who wants to open presents? -Presents, now?

Yeah.

Ralph, I didn't get you anything.

It's okay.

Uh... eggnog and presents in the living room. [chuckles]

I'll meet you guys in there.

-I want presents. -[slurps] Let's go.

[thunder rumbling]

[Ralph sighs]

Not a creature was stirring, not even a junkie.

[grunting]

Fuck.

Fuck.

[Heather] Ralph, you doing okay up there?

Be right down.

[Ralph] Oh. Oh.

[Ralph grunts]

Oh, my God.

What do I do now?

[exhales deeply]

[somber music playing]

You just destroyed my life.

[whispering] I hate you.

I hate you for this.

I had a chance.

And you ruined it.

This is the new reality.

We're getting a divorce.

You need to sign our divorce papers.

You need to face reality, Ralph.

[sobs]

It's over.

I can't... I can't save it now.

[music intensifies]

[discordant music playing]

So, what do you think?

-I like it. -Thanks, Dad.

Ralph, it's... it's very sweet.

-Come on, let's go finish dinner. -No.

I have a better idea. We're gonna watch our movie.

No, the food is gonna get cold, Ralph.

We can reheat.

Come on, this is a special occasion. End of discussion.

I know that it hurts you, that I don't want to be married to you anymore,

but that doesn't mean that you can act like this.

I just want us to enjoy having Christmas.

Dad, come on, let's just go finish.

Let me have this!

Ralph, what is your problem?

Let me get the eggnog.

Sorry, guys.

I just want to have a happy Christmas with all of you.

Please, just give me that.

Let's have a toast.

Here.

There you go.

Come on.

Everybody up. Up, up, up, up.

There we go.

I propose a toast to my beautiful wife, Heather.

I love you, sweetheart.

And to my wonderful children, Bridget and Tommy.

I love you both so much.

I do.

My family. [inhales]

Cheers.

And one more.

God bless us, everyone.

All three of you.

[chuckles]

Drink up.

There we go.

[gulping]

And to little Tiny Tim, too.

Let's not forget about that little guy.

[smacks lips] And Merry Christmas to all.

To all of us, a good night.

Okay, we're done here.

It's been very sweet, Ralph, but you gotta go.

-Do I need to call the police? -[chuckles] No. No.

-[breathing deeply] -Mom?

-Hmm. I didn't... [mumbles] -Mom?

[breathing heavily]

You... Did you...

Put a little ketamine in your eggnog?

Yeah, I guess I did.

[melancholic music playing]

Dad, what did you do?

I'm sorry, buddy.

[breathing heavily]

Aw, sweetie. [chuckles]

I just wanted us to have a perfect Christmas.

Don't worry, honey. I'm not gonna hurt you.

Or Mom. Or Tommy.

How could you? [inhales sharply]

I love you guys.

So much.

-[Heather breathes groggily, groans] -You're up.

What the fuck have you done?

That kind of language will get you on the naughty list.

Bridget.

Come on, it's time to be merry.

It's Christmas Eve and we're gonna watch our movie.

Bridget.

Oh, honey, I'm sorry, I didn't mean for you to hit the table.

Mom?

What's going on?

Your dad has fucking lost it.

You know, I wouldn't have had to resort to all this

if you had just agreed to watch the movie.

[Heather breathing heavily]

Tommy.

Wake up your brother.

-Tommy. -Come on, buddy.

It's movie time.

[straining]

Dad?

Why are we tied up?

We can't have Christmas without watching The Alien Who Saved Christmas.

Now, can we?

I'm sure I told you guys about the time I took Mom to see it.

Yes.

I still remember when you first saw it.

[nostalgic music playing]

You got so scared when you first saw the alien, you cried.

And Tommy.

You had the cutest little laugh when you first watched it.

We should just all appreciate this time together.

Life is fragile.

You never know what's going to happen.

-[wood creaking, splintering] -[suspenseful music playing]

-What the fuck? -[gasping]

Oh, my God.

[Tommy] Oh, my God.

[Heather breathing shakily] Wha--

What the hell is going on?

What did you do, Ralph?

Oh, my God, that's Curt Fields from the movie.

I know who he is.

Is he dead?

What is he doing in our living room?

It wasn't supposed to be like this.

And you!

If you hadn't screwed this up, we'd be watching your movie right now

with you giving us a real-life audio commentary.

It would have been a perfect Christmas.

Oh, God, Ralph. What did you do?

He was your present.

I just wanted to give you the perfect Christmas.

You thought kidnapping the star of your favorite movie

would give me my perfect Christmas?

Well, I paid him.

So, you know, technically that's not kidnapping.

Technically, he is fucking dead.

[tense music playing]

[sighs]

-[stairs creaking] -[footsteps approaching]

Oh, fuck me.

[Heather] Oh, my God!

How are you even alive?

Years of meditation have made me impervious to pain.

[squelching]

Bodhi.

I killed you, and now you're alive.

I wasn't counting on that.

Probably all the fitness I've done from fucking your wife.

Fuck you! Stop ruining my Christmas.

This is my Christmas in my house.

And fuck you.

My family.

You don't belong.

[sniffling, whimpering]

[Heather shouting, crying] Ralph! No!

No!

-[bone cracks] -[groans]

-Oh, God! -Oh, shit!

[ominous music playing]

[rasping]

That didn't sound very impervious to me. [chuckles]

[rasping continues]

-[Bridget] Dad! -[Heather] Ralph, no!

-Dad, stop! -Dad!

No, Ralph! Please, stop! Don't!

Oh, God! Oh, no!

-[Bridget] Oh, my God. -Ralph!

[Tommy] Dad, please stop!

[music intensifying]

[no audible dialogue]

[inaudible] Leave him alone!

[inaudible] No! No!

[inaudible] Stop it!

[music crescendos]

-[squelches] -[inaudible screaming] No!

[inaudible]

-[Bodhi spluttering] -Bodhi... [crying] No...

Oh, my God!

[breathes deeply] Merry fucking Christmas.

No! Oh, my God! Oh, my God! No!

[sighs]

[family sobbing]

-Don't look. -[whimpering]

[whimpering, crying continues]

[whimpering, crying continues]

Literally the one time you should have been recording.

I am.

[exhales shakily]

Oh, please, just leave us alone.

Dad?

-What... -Oh, God.

It's movie time.

Oh, my God.

I love you guys.

This is the best part of Christmas.

[orchestral Christmas music playing]

He looks just like Tommy.

[giggles]

You look just like Curt. I should've named you Curt.

-[parent 2 on TV] Still time to make Santa's naughty list. -[parent] Mmm.

[Peter] Really, Dad, you think I believe in that crap?

[scoffs] How can one guy fly all around the world and give presents?

[sirens wailing]

"Flying reindeer--"

Let's all do it.

"Flying reindeer, I call shenanigans. Santa's a crock!"

[giggles]

I love this part.

Here it comes.

It's the good part.

You're not falling asleep over there, are you?

Okay. He's getting out of the bed.

Bridget, you love this part. I know you do.

The alien's coming.

But don't be scared.

[banging on door]

Sheriff's department, anybody home?

Shh.

[mouthing] It's going to be okay.

[Ralph] They're going in the garage now.

Here comes the alien.

What the...

[orchestral Christmas music intensifies]

Okay, here we go.

One.

Two.

Three!

Sheriff's Department!

Please help us! He's crazy. He's killed everybody!

Hands up!

["Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas" playing]

♪ Have yourself ♪

♪ A merry little Christmas ♪

♪ Let your heart ♪

♪ Be light ♪

♪ From now on ♪

♪ Our troubles will be ♪

♪ Out of sight ♪

♪ Have yourself ♪

♪ A merry little Christmas ♪

I love this movie.

["Jingle Bells" playing]

♪ Jingle bells Jingle bells ♪

♪ Jingle all the way ♪

♪ Oh, what fun it is to ride ♪

♪ In a one-horse open sleigh ♪

♪ Jingle bells Jingle bells ♪

♪ Jingle all the way ♪

♪ Oh, what fun it is to ride ♪

♪ In a one-horse open sleigh ♪

♪ Dashing through the snow ♪

♪ In a one-horse open sleigh ♪

♪ O'er the fields we go ♪

♪ We gonna laugh All of the way ♪

♪ There will be bells On the bobtails And they're gonna ring ♪

♪ Oh, they'll make our spirits bright ♪

♪ What fun it'll be ♪

♪ To laugh and sing A sleighing song tonight ♪

♪ We got some jingle bells ♪

♪ Ooh, I love those bells ♪

♪ Jingle all of the way ♪

♪ Oh, what fun it is to ride ♪

♪ When we're in This big old sleigh ♪

♪ I love the jingle, jingle Jingle, jingle, jingle Jingle bells ♪

♪ Jingle those bells All the way, yeah ♪

♪ Oh, what fun To laugh and sing ♪

♪ In this sleigh, yeah ♪

[scatting]

♪ Jingle bells... ♪

-Happy Christmas to all. -And to all good night.

[song continues] ♪ We're riding In this sleigh ♪

♪ We got the jingle bells Oh, the jingle bells... ♪

-Wishing you a truly -...perfect Christmas...

...and happy holidays.

[song continues] ♪ Oh, what fun ♪

♪ Oh, what fun ♪

♪ Ooh, baby ♪

♪ Such fun with you ♪

♪ In the sleigh ♪

♪ Come on, baby, I'm talking about you and me In the great big old sleigh ♪

♪ Out in the cold The snow is falling Don't be afraid ♪

♪ Come on And jingle those bells ♪

♪ With ♪

♪ Me ♪

♪ Yeah ♪