Original subtitles

Previously on Little Mosque...

Baber, I plan to be imam of Rayyan Mosque.

You have awoken a sleeping Baber,

and this sleeping Baber will not accept your mosque.

I hope you're gonna put this

trying-to-impress-Charles business behind you.

I guess the only road open to me is to fly to Ottawa and stop the wedding.

Believe in Jesus. Isn't that what brought you back?

I don't know what to believe.

Some Christian you are, burning down the church.

I'm not Christian anymore.

Some Muslim you are, burning down our mosque.

Okay, this is more terrible than the most terrible thing

that I've ever imagined a thing could look like.

One might even say apocalyptic.

Well, at least nobody was hurt, and we have insurance.

Right, yes, the insurance that I'm a month late in renewing.

What? You let the insurance lapse?

Astaghfirullah! What do you do all day, play board games?

You sound just like the archbishop.

He's probably gonna send me to some godforsaken place like Toronto.

What the hell happened here?

A fire.

What are you doing here? Didn't you just get married?

Well, brother, I'm here to see Ann.

Oh. So, you've been married less than a week,

and you're still carrying on your affair.

- Nice. - No.

Well, the thing is, I couldn't say "I do".

I was standing at the altar, and I could only hear Ann's voice saying,

"Let me know if this feather tickles too much".

Okay.

And then I heard myself say, "No. No, I do not."

So, you left her at the altar?

Yeah. Not good.

Listen. Have you seen Ann? She's not at home, not at office.

Has she left town?

I have my own problems I'm dealing with right now.

Hey, guys, you have to get out of here right now.

- This building's condemned. - No, you're condemned!

Yes, God will keep us safe in His holy house.

Jesus Christ!

Wow. Look at all those check marks.

Check it out, from to-do to ta-da!

Food's been ordered, sign's in place,

Baber's splinter group has been incited.

Well, it's not a splinter group

if it's just Baber who objects to the new mosque.

Then it's just a splinter.

He does have a few supporters, though.

Oh, yeah. His angry goon squad, all four of them.

You know what they say,

"Three's company, but four's an angry crowd".

You've done everything you could to make Baber feel included.

Well, I haven't done one thing.

The prayer barrier.

Even just half a barrier would make Baber happy.

But would it make you happy?

God, no! And it certainly wouldn't make you happy.

Oh, don't do it for me.

If you feel like it's the right thing, then compromise.

Oh.

Okay, well, uh, maybe I'll cost it out with the builders today.

- You're gonna give in that easily? - I thought you said...

I thought you'd at least think about it a little bit more.

Yes, I am. More thinking to be done.

- Great. - You know what's great?

Knowing you're always on my side.

Yeah.

I think.

BABER: Layla, my beautiful daughter. Aww!

I missed you, Dad.

I miss you, too. I'm so excited you're home.

Me, too. I wouldn't miss the new mosque opening for anything.

Actually, you're going to miss it. I forbid you from going.

What?

How quickly people forget the old mosque served us so well all these years.

Yeah, but it's gone now.

Yeah, and its actions are going to live forever

in the urn on our mantle.

Yeah, like that's not creepy.

Let's go home and get the basement ready for some real Muslims.

I don't even want to ask about it. I was hoping we won't fight this trip.

Why would we fight? I forbid it.

Yeah, about that.

Back off, buster, I'm not looking for company.

You know, you have been on a bender since you missed Charles' wedding.

This is not mayor-ly behavior.

Oh, so, what is it? Night-mayor-ish behavior?

See what I did there? Night-mayor-ish?

Yeah, you're a laugh a minute.

Look, why don't you just turn that thing off?

He's married. It's over.

I won't turn it off.

Because every time he calls and I don't answer,

I know it's killing him.

No, it's killing you. Give me the phone.

No! Give me. Give...

- Don't tussle me. Quit it. - Just... Oh.

Well, there.

Now you can just forget about him.

Nuh-uh. 'Cause when he calls, he'll have to hear the message,

"Charles Thorne, I never wanna see you again.

"Die, married scum, die."

Won't everyone who calls get the same message?

No. 'Cause I say, "If you're not Charles Thorne, please hang up. Thank you."

Hey, why aren't you out looking for Ann?

ANN AND CHARLES: "I never wanna see you again, Charles Thorne.

"Die, married scum, die!"

And if this isn't Charles, please leave a message at the tone.

Ouch.

What if I gave up everything to be with her, and I'm too late?

You're not gonna find out

by sitting here listening to that over and over.

Help me win her back.

I'll die without her.

- You promise? - Come on, Billy.

Whoa! You want my help, but you won't even call me William?

Okay, William.

Damn it, that was easier than I thought.

How would she change her mind? You've known her longer than I have.

Think back. She must have shared something personal with you.

Something about her hopes? Maybe her... her dreams.

- Hopes? No. - Yeah, she's hopeless.

Oh. She did mention a recurring dream once.

Yeah? You'd better run with that, then. I mean, how crazy could it be, right?

Yeah.

- Good luck. - Thanks.

Um, direct me to the nearest funeral home.

You know, it's weird.

I choose Islam, and the next thing I do is burn down a church.

- And a mosque. - Oh.

If it makes you feel any better,

at least you're an equal opportunity arsonist.

A little better.

But anyway, Islam is my home now.

No more flip-flopping, except on my feet.

I was hoping that would be your choice.

I talked to Amaar yesterday. I'll take my oath at the new mosque.

- Mom, that's wonderful. - Yeah.

Mmm.

Okay, Mr. Whiskers, I gotta go to work.

Will I see you later, Ms. Whiskers?

I gotta go.

So? What do you guys think?

Bad wall.

No, it's not a bad wall. It's a... It's a beautiful wall.

Don't you think it's beautiful?

I'd probably call it more unfinished than... than beautiful.

Oh, you know why I kept it that way?

You went over budget?

That wall is the past. It's tradition.

It's like Baber.

- Yet another reason to paint it over. - Yes.

Guys, we have to treat Baber like this wall.

We have to honor it, we have to keep it without letting it hold us back.

Oh, okay, well, I'm glad to hear you say that.

I think.

I don't know about you, but I'd miss Baber if he weren't here to chew on us.

You know, 'cause Baber's... Baber's fun.

Baber?

So, we paint the wall?

Oh, God! Not this crazy dream again.

Red roses?

Okay, okay! Somebody wake me up!

Hello, Ann Popowicz.

Woman of my dreams, let me be the man of yours.

That's not how this dream goes.

Marry me? I'm as good as dead without you.

Okay, I can't marry an imaginary dead guy who's already married.

I'm not married. I couldn't go through with it because of you.

Come on, take the ring. Say yes.

- Spend the rest of your life with me. - Really?

I'm not dreaming?

- Aww. - Oh!

Oh, yes. You're very real.

- Good morning. - It was.

Mmm-hmm.

I have a new rule.

Since you have no office, only three hours per meal.

Oh. Fine, give me two breakfasts.

Per person, per visit.

Fine.

Ah!

Breakfast is on me, little brother.

I owe you my life and my happiness.

Yeah, that's worth about $3.99.

- So, it worked, then? The, uh, proposal? - Oh, like a dream.

- Hey, guess what. - What?

- We're having a church wedding. - That's fitting for an atheist.

Eh. Kinda hedging my bets.

- Oh, guess what else. - What?

- Go on, guess. - Ann's a man?

- Nope. I'm moving to Mercy. - What?

- Well, as the mayor, she can't move. - You in Mercy?

Tying the knot tomorrow at Regina Anglican.

Regina Anglican? No, no, no.

That's old McCray's church, he belches through every service.

- Really? - Yeah.

Good thing I told him you'd be doing the honors.

Yeah. Wait. Me?

Yeah. For once, your medieval priest crap will come in handy for something.

Ignoring the insult. No, I, uh, actually don't do weddings.

What? Why?

I'd rather not talk about it.

Come on, man. It'd mean a lot to me.

- Really. Pretty please? - No. No.

- 200 bucks on top? - $300?

- $250. - Done!

Yeah, what the heck, you know.

And I'll try my best not to, um, you know...

Not to what?

Uh, never mind. It'll be great. I'll be honored.

- All right. - Yeah.

- Okay, can I look now? - Hold on.

Okay, now.

- Oh, no! Who died? - Charles!

- What? - Not really.

Isn't it the most romantic thing you've ever seen?

Well, more necromantic than romantic.

It's my worst nightmare!

Then why are you so happy?

Because I told Charles my worst nightmare, and he recreated every morbid detail.

Almost. Flowers are wrong.

And, uh, what about his fiancée?

Left her at the altar!

I shouldn't feel so happy about that poor, poor woman.

So, will you walk me down the aisle?

Really? I would love to give you away.

- Wow! - Okay.

Thorne is performing the ceremony at Regina Anglican. Wear big city clothes.

As your PR consultant, that is a really bad idea.

The mayor of Mercy should get married in Mercy.

But the Mercy church is extra crispy.

Oh.

And Charles and I want this wedding to be unlike any of our others.

Neither of you ever married in a church?

There are so many places to get married other than a church.

You've got a beach,

Elvis Chapel in Vegas.

That just gave me the best idea.

A submarine!

Oh! A zeppelin! A zeppelin would so rock!

So, what do you think?

Is there some weird Muslim thing against it?

We don't say "weird Muslim thing," we say "Muslim thing,"

and no, there isn't.

In fact, I can't think of a better opening for our new mosque.

- Group hug! - Oh! I can't hug Ann.

What a wacky little faith!

No, no, but if Sarah goes around, and then group hug!

WILLIAM: Um... Hmm.

Dad, I've made up my mind.

- And I have won. - Fluke. It was a fluke.

- Dad. - What?

I've decided to go to the mosque opening.

Perhaps we should talk about this in my office.

Hmm.

Get out of my office. Shoo. Go, go, go.

Now, unless you have gone back in time and changed my previous answer,

it is still the same.

- It is forbidden. - I'm an adult. You can't stop me.

And if you keep acting like this, you're going to end up all alone.

A silly, irrelevant little man who can't change.

Oh. Harsh. But mostly accurate.

You cannot speak to me like this. I forbid it.

Stop talking to me like I'm a three-year-old. I forbid it.

- You can't forbid. Such talk is forbidden. - I can and I did.

In fact, I forbid you from forbidding anything ever.

What are you gonna do about that, hmm?

Honey, I'm headed to the new mosque. I'll see you there.

Amaar! Wait!

Welcome home, Sarah.

Assalam alaikum.

What are you doing on my porch so early?

I thought you'd be up for prayers.

What are you, the prayer police?

Prayer police, that's a great idea! Now, get off my porch!

Baber, I know you want the new mosque to be just like the old mosque,

and you know that I want you to be part of the new mosque.

Which is why I thought of a compromise.

Subhan Allah. Have you put up a prayer barrier?

I thought about it, but I can't, Baber.

I know you want to do what's right, but it's not right for this mosque.

I compromised for five years. Now it's your turn.

- Leave me alone. - That's exactly what I don't wanna do.

- You leave me no choice. - And I leave you no choice!

Ann, you promised to be ready when I got back!

Where were you when I needed you?

At the mosque. I officially became a Muslim again.

Muslim-shmuslim. I'm having a crisis.

What if this is a huge mistake?

Oh, Ann!

What if I miss being single?

What if I run into Luciano and his motorcycle,

or Franco and his speedboat?

- Do all your lovers end with "O"? - If they're lucky.

Oh. I've seen you with those guys.

You are so different with Charles. This is real love.

I know. I've never been in love before.

Not like this.

- Time to suck it up. - What?

Charles is your soul mate.

So, you get in there and get that dress on,

and then get out there and kick some matrimonial butt.

Popowicz on the count of three.

- One, two, three! - Popowicz!

Ta-da-da-da-ta-da!

Charles!

Welcome, everyone, to Rayyan Mosque.

We are now officially open!

Hi. Look, before we get started, I...

You look as happy as I feel.

I am so happy. This morning...

Amaar, Rayyan, assalam alaikum.

Layla! Walaikum assalam. How's university?

Really great. I need to talk to you about my dad.

Okay.

I don't believe it. Welcome, Baber!

I'm not here for your hippy-dippy mosque. I am here for the Christian wedding.

Whatever. I'm just glad you're here for the wedding, which is about to start.

Hon.

- Listen... - Hello.

Hi.

There is so much light in this place.

But I will not relent, I forbid myself.

This is the last time I'm ever gonna do this.

A wedding we'll never forget.

What the hell is with you?

Pretty swanky digs, huh? For a bunch of scruffy Muslims.

Oh.

I love weddings.

Me, too.

- Maybe... - Maybe you and I could

do this someday...

- Soon. - Soon.

Dearly beloved, we've come together in the presence of God

to witness the blessed... joining of this man and this woman

in holy matrimony.

What's the matter with him?

Now I know why you don't do weddings. Sucky baby's gonna cry?

I'm not a sucky baby!

The bond and covenant of marriage,

the union of husband and wife in heart,

body, and mind.

So, I'm guessing now's a good time to tell you

I got into medical school.

Allahu Akbar! I have a daughter again!

- But I'm not going. - What do you mean you're not going?

- It's medical school. - I got into acting school.

Come on, Sobby DeNiro, get to the vows.

You're just so perfect for each other.

- Well, he's right about that. - Yeah.

Okay. Ahem.

Do you, Ann, take the... Uh.

Just do the vows.

Just do the vows.

- Charles Thorne... - Still here.

You made me believe in true love,

- I think. - Hmm?

- Oh, you did. - Okay.

And now I'm gonna take you for the ride of your life.

'Cause you're the one I've been waiting for.

So, yeah, I do.

Okay, Ann Popowicz.

I had to do a lot of rotten things to get here.

I know.

- But no regrets, right? - No.

- It's just you and me forever. - Yeah.

So, I so do.

Aww!

Aww.

MAN 2: Hey, congratulations!

- Hey. - That went well.

No surprises, except for Baber showing up.

Well, just one more.

Yeah, Thorne crying. That was surprising.

No, no, it's my news.

It's the thing I was trying to tell you this morning.

I'm sorry. I've been so preoccupied...

- Amaar... - When we get...

Wow, what a wedding!

- Uh... - Weird, but...

Okay, uh, you know what? I can't hold this in another second.

Honey, I'm pregnant.

I'm gonna be a grandma? That's so great!

Oh!

I'm so happy for you, and for me, but mostly for you.

We're gonna have a baby. We're gonna have a baby!

We're pregnant!

WOMAN: Congratulations!

Hey, how are you, son of a gun, huh?

Congratulations, you two!

Could one day be about me?

Ah, don't worry, they call me the crybaby imam.

I'd rather not talk about it.

What do you think of your new place?

I refuse to like it.

Who cares about beautiful minarets and precise digital prayer clocks?

- The carpet's pretty soft. - Softness is for softies.

Are you gonna come visit me once they banish me back to Toronto?

Over my Muslim body!

What?

Okay, you're telling me,

if I agree to this, you'll join the congregation?

On the strict conditions that I have outlined.

You drive a hard bargain, Baber.

Everyone, I have an announcement to make.

- What? Another one? - Tupper, let him talk.

Ahem. I just want to introduce everyone to our new president of Rayyan Mosque,

our very own brother Baber.

And because our Anglican brothers and sisters

don't have a place to worship here in Mercy...

- Yeah. - ...Baber and I have decided

to open our doors to you.

That's fantastic.

Thank you, Amaar. That's very, very generous.

Um, everyone, the community room downstairs

will be the new home of Mercy Anglican.

- And I get the big office. - What?

Uh, no! You got the big one last time! You have to see it to call it!

Come here.

FRED: Well, folks, it is an upside down world here in Mercy.

First, we had a mosque in a church. Now, we got a church in a mosque.

I guess nothing that happens in this little town

should surprise any of us anymore, huh?

Anyhoo, I, uh... I think I hear the old fat lady singing.

Time for Freddy Tupper to sign off tonight.

Over and out, my friendlies.

And, uh, listen, thanks for dropping by.