Original subtitles

Sarah, do you know what it's like to be rejected by your one true love?

Oh, what am I saying? Of course you don't.

Ann, my husband left me after 31 years of marriage.

Sarah, must you dwell?

Can we not just have some me time for once?

Oh, yes. How rude of me!

Charles is marrying that 40-year-old teenager in two days.

What's she got that I don't?

- Charles. - Wow. That was blunt.

Ann, you have to be realistic. You have two choices here.

You can accept the fact that he's marrying someone else or fight for him.

Sarah, you're right.

- Sorry? - You heard me.

- You don't need to gloat. - Yes, I do.

Hey, did I tell you that I'm thinking of auditioning for the Mercy Anglican choir?

I've been missing the church. It was a big part of my life.

I wonder if my old gown still fits.

- I've decided... - Are you even listening to me?

...I'm gonna fight.

Okay. Just don't make this a contest between you and her.

Think of what Charles would want.

No threesomes, Sarah. Not this time.

Wow.

I am always fascinated by how your mind works.

Unless the threesome is me, Charles, and our brand new baby.

Okay, now my fascination has turned to horror.

- Are you serious? - Dead serious. Just came to me in a flash.

Aren't you having the other kind of flashes?

Charles and Ann sitting in a tree

Okay.

I'm just gonna leave you two alone.

Then comes marriage...

Hello there, Sarah.

What do you have for us today?

Well, I'm going to sing Call Me Irresponsible,

made famous by Judy Garland, Frank Sinatra, Jackie Gleason, and now me.

- Do you have a key that you would prefer? - Oh, just surprise me.

Oh, that's surprisingly high.

Call me irresponsible

Call me unreliable

Throw in undependable too

Do my foolish alibis

Thank you. Thank you!

Bore you? Well...

Enough!

I just adore you

You know, Sarah, it's a bit pitchy off the top,

but it's passable for a lapsed Anglican.

Oh, thank you. Thank you very much.

Sarah, I like you, but you've been away for a while,

and there's a big difference between a show tune and a hymn.

Oh, I am all about the hymns, Reverend.

"Hymns to him," as they say. Anglicans say. We say.

No. No one says that.

No. What if you try something a little more spiritual?

Like, uh, Gladly the Cross I'll Bear.

Oh, yeah! We used to call that Gladys the Cross-Eyed Bear

when we were kids. Remember, guys?

So that's a no, then.

Well, I'm not sure I remember the lyrics.

I mean the words. The holy words.

No, that's not gonna to help.

All right, uh, well, then, I think we should vote.

Judges, what do you say?

- Uh, I'm gonna say... - Yes. Please, please.

Pass.

Oh.

I'm thinking meh.

Meh? Is that bad? What does that mean?

Your call, dawg.

Well, Sarah, I'm gonna say...

Pass.

But since you're the only one who showed up to audition

and we desperately need to fill this spot, I'm also gonna say yes.

Thank you!

Yes. You're moving on to the Sunday service.

Oh, I won't let you down.

You won't be letting us down.

You'll be letting Jesus down.

- Oh. - No pressure.

Someone's stolen my reading glasses!

Uh, Baber.

Oh!

- So... - Some heathen charity

sent me stickers with my name and address.

Yeah, I got some of those, too.

Mine have un-Islamic puppy dogs, and, oh, my title is wrong.

They didn't address you as Professor Siddiqui?

I am Professor Imam Siddiqui, Esquire.

I will write a scathing letter to this charity.

Baber, I just came here to talk about the new mosque

and our various responsibilities.

Oh, that's easy. Since you're the mosque builder, once the mosque is built,

- you would be the... - Imam, Baber.

I plan to be Imam of Rayyan Mosque.

You? The imam? What makes you think you can run that new mosque as the imam?

Five years of running this mosque as the imam.

Baber, I just wanna know how you wanna contribute.

Do you plan on turning this new mosque into a dream

of a nice, liberal "prayground"?

Yes, Baber. The mosque will be a place

where men and women can pray together comfortably.

Oh, great. So the new mosque's going to have a nice, comfy prayer barrier.

There will be no prayer barrier of any kind.

I bet your doctor wife put you up to this.

Who would have a Rayyan mosque, anyway?

Rayyan means "gates of heaven," Baber.

There are no prayer barriers in heaven.

Well, Amaar, this is not heaven.

This is Saskatchewan.

Please, tell me you're pulling my foot.

No, I'm not pulling your leg, Baber. I'm serious.

Well, Baber is serious too.

And you have awoken a sleeping Baber. And this sleeping Baber

will not accept your mosque.

Mainly because the sleeping Baber is...

Now awake.

Unreal.

Oh, Baber is very real, Amaar,

and he is keeping this real mosque open for real Muslims.

When the new mosque is ready, no one will come. You're dreaming.

If I were dreaming, I'd be having this conversation with Mr. Burt Reynolds!

And here we are.

Very spacious!

I could even see hosting a mini recital in this space.

Yes, you could perform a pas de deux from Giselle, or La Sylphide,

or, dare I say it, the scandalous Rite of Spring.

You know your ballet.

Let's just say that Billy Elliot wasn't the first little boy with an urge to leap.

- What made you give it up? - Cruel taunts from classmates.

Oh, yes, ignorant playground bullies.

No, no, no. Ballet classmates.

Oh.

- Still, this space is heavenly. - Isn't it?

No, it is not. This is a mosque.

- Heaven is for dead people, not dancers. - That's a funny joke.

What are you doing? I've almost closed the deal.

I've a much better deal.

Don't give in to this little devil. Extend my lease for 99 years.

I will pay you two times what this strange man in the dress is offering.

Oh, I'll pay you three times what this small lady in men's clothing will pay you.

Three times? Don't you have a new mosque to go to?

Amaar has a new mosque to go to, and it is decadent and un-Islamic.

And it is full of lady cross-dressers like you.

- These are just pants. - Exactly my point. Do we have a deal?

Hmm?

- A referral for a fertility clinic? - Nope. To a shrink.

Seriously, Ann, a baby?

What? I'm healthy.

I feel like I'm 30 as opposed to 38.

Well, unfortunately, your ovaries can't lie about their age.

Well, isn't there some kind of anti-ageing formula I can apply?

Fertility over 40 can't be dealt with cosmetically.

What is this really about?

Charles and I really want to start a family.

Charles, the guy who's marrying someone else?

Well, if I tell him I want to settle down and have a family, duh.

Okay, let's say hypothetically,

Charles leaves his fiancée. And you go through

with these very expensive procedures.

It's just that I've never really seen you as the motherly type.

Nonsense. Our baby will have the finest nannies watching it around the clock.

- You thought this through. - Consumed my entire morning.

Babies are a lot of hard work.

And do I strike you as the type of person who runs from hard work?

Look, sometimes Amaar and I don't even know if we could handle it.

Looking after a newborn.

Wow. Cold.

Won't be asking you to babysit.

No, no, I mean he and I...

Never mind.

Here.

We usually give these guys to teenagers.

But you take it home and see how it go...

Whoa, whoa. Just keep it like that.

Snuggle up.

Ugh!

Okay, so scratch plan A. But you can really help me with plan B.

I'm afraid to ask.

- No, just another referral. - Okay.

Oh, hey.

Just doing a little manscaping before choir practice.

Helps with the enunciation. I'm sure you do the same.

Uh... No.

- Did you want something? - I could use help with Baber.

Oh, yes. His nose hairs are positively mammoth.

- But there's a turbo setting. - Not referring to the nose hairs.

His ear hair's pretty bad too.

Baber won't join the new mosque.

Oh, yes, the old mosque-new mosque conundrum.

It certainly put a little barrier between you two, if I may use a faith-based pun.

And how "irreverend" of you.

Yes, indeed. But seriously, can you please talk to Baber?

- He listens to you. - He does, doesn't he?

I think that's because I too have fought the winds of change.

I mean, yes, sure, I could preach sermons that are "enjoyable" and "entertaining,"

ones that aren't "offensive" or "terrifying to children."

But no, no, no. Like Baber, I stand by the old ways.

For the sake of community harmony, could you just give up Baber his rent?

And those "air quotes"...

No, Amaar. Baber's like a brother to me.

Well, more like a pet, really.

- What did he offer you? - No. This is not about the money.

That's good, because Baber can't collect enough donations to make the rent.

Oh. It kind of was about the money.

But it's also about making you happy, Amaar.

- So you'll evict him? - Of course. A church isn't a charity.

Technically, it...

Blah, blah, blah.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to count the "offering."

Plastic surgery can work wonders. Come on. Guess how old I am.

- I don't like guessing. - Come on.

- Come on. Guess! - You're 70!

I'm 52.

Well, I'm a busy man. So what brings you here, besides the obvious?

Not loving your bedside manner.

Hey, when you turn 70, you get crotchety.

So what is it? Keeping a man or winning a man?

Hey, I'm a feminist. Men keep me.

Yeah. Let's start with the first image.

Could you show me what I'll look like when the swelling goes down?

That's the picture we took minutes ago.

- I knew that. - Liar.

Next image.

And that is what you'll look like

once you have my patented million-dollar facelift. Patent pending.

I see where you got the name. I look like a million bucks.

Look like a million bucks for only twenty grand.

- Savings! Savings! Savings! - Twenty grand?

- We haven't even gotten to the boobs yet. - Ah, yes.

Poor little breasts on the frontline on the war against gravity.

It is not a cheap war, but it is a winnable one.

For only $12,000.

Six a pop? Do you throw in a second pair free?

That's a good one.

Guys at the conference will love that. "Second one free!"

Here's what I'll do. I'll do your face and breasts, throw in a tummy tuck,

- come up with a payment plan... - Cut to the chase. What's the damage?

Can you really put a price on youth?

You've been doing a good job so far.

Fifty thousand. For an extra six,000, I'll fix the floppy ears.

- Excuse me? - For an extra six,000...

I heard you, pal. There's nothing wrong with my ears.

'Twas grace that taught

My heart to fear

And grace my fears relieved

How precious did

That grace appear

The hour I first...

Believed.

Believed.

Believed

Great.

This might be a problem.

What happened? I thought you did well in your audition.

I just choked on the "believing" line.

I think that's a pretty important line.

Maybe I should just slow down. You know, just go sit in the pew, or...

Or help out with Sunday school.

Get back to the heart of the community.

Well, good for you, Mom.

I just thought after feeling bad about all the choir...

Oh, feeling bad is a big part of Christianity.

- Lots of suffering. Good, good stuff. - Okay, then.

Don't ask me to explain, sweetie.

I just... I like being in church.

It's the world that I know.

I mean, those traditions really stay with you.

- I don't know. - Sarah.

- We need to talk. - Okay.

Oh, no, this won't take long.

You know, I went to see that quack.

Ann, that quack is my daughter. She's sitting right there.

No. She went and saw a plastic surgeon.

Oh, my.

Well, let me just say you look terrific.

- I didn't get anything done. - See? Doesn't that prove my point?

They wanted to charge me a bloody fortune to turn me into a monster.

Which also killed Plan B.

I really need a plan C!

You know what we need? We need to sell Charles on the real Ann Popowicz.

Not just the fantasy Ann, but the...

Yet somehow the Ann of his dreams.

What are you getting at?

Meet me at your office later. All will be revealed.

- Well, not quite all. - Oh, you're a doll.

Resume Muslim-y talk.

Oh, no, no. She's not a Muslim anymore. She joined the Church.

You don't say.

Boy, she never tells me anything.

Oh, Amaar. You were gonna tell me about your mosque.

Yeah. Now that I've built a new mosque,

it doesn't seem like there's anyone to fill it.

Oh, I'm sorry, Amaar. I will miss you too.

Oh, I'll miss you, Sarah. But right now I have bigger problems to deal with.

Baber problems.

Dear brothers, we had a big problem.

But...

We no longer have to eat sour potatoes, because I have some wonderful news!

This mosque is not closing after all.

For those of you who think that religion should be fun and easy,

then by all means go and join Amaar's Friday night disco fever mosque.

But for those of you who want a mosque where you can feel

the burn on your forehead and the ache in your knees,

then this is your happy place!

Thanks. Have a nice day!

And there is a sign-up sheet outside to make some donations.

Please donate generously, because I'm sure you'll want to donate.

Don't you? Yousef?

- Yes. No. - Omar? Ahmed?

Jalpan? No one?

Beautiful!

Okay, give me that pouty thing.

Oh, yeah.

Think what Charles is gonna do when he gets a load of these.

All that heartache, and all you needed was a squeezy bodysuit.

And a corset.

Are you sure that stuff's not too tight?

- I can't feel a thing. - Good.

Seriously. There's no blood getting to my legs.

Oh, all right. Come on. Come on.

Okay, now thrust your hips forward, and let's see some smoky eyes.

That's it. Smokier, smokier.

Okay, now you're cross-eyed.

Go back to the pout. Go back to the pout.

Fabulous!

- You okay? - I can't breathe.

Okay, just a couple more. That's it. Hold it.

Show the world. Gotta show the world.

Oh! Oh!

Okay. Okay.

- That's a little bit too casual. Okay. - Can't move.

- Ann - Medic.

Okay, you know what? I'm gonna go get Rayyan.

Okay, just one more.

Just that!

- Penny for your thoughts. - Amaar's been talking trash about me.

Yes. He thinks your attendance estimates are bit fantastical.

- They are fantastic! - No, as in a fantasy.

I promised you, I will get a crowd.

A Saudi website recently described me as one of the Top ten Imams to watch.

Yeah. Not helping your case.

Who does Amaar think he is, trying to split us up

with his talks of "tolerance" and "inclusion?"

I know! And if you leave, who am I gonna play "I Spy" with?

- Does this mean I can stay? - No.

Well, not for free. Look, I'll give you three months

to have the mosque turning a profit.

That's wonderful! I will not let you down!

Great! Now, then.

I spy with my little eye

something that is beardy.

- Is it me? - No.

- Is it you? - Yes!

Oh, you sneaky...

I should have brought the jaws of life.

You could have got gangrene.

The next time you feel like dressing like Marie Antoinette, don't.

Thanks for making a house call, honey.

Yeah, thanks, Rayyan.

If you'll excuse me, ladies, I'm gonna go home and change.

Ann, I hope you're gonna put all this

"trying to impress Charles" business behind you.

I am. I figure if I can't compete with his bride, what choice do I have?

Good for you. I know this is very hard for you to accept.

I guess the only road open is to fly to Ottawa and stop the wedding.

Are you absolutely sure? That is a huge risk.

Hey, I was gonna have a baby, I was gonna go under the knife.

How risky is it to get on a plane?

- Ann, one more. - Sara, please. I'm done with them.

So you're thinking of Sunday school?

- Yes! - That's great.

Oh, I used to love all those fairy tales when I was a kid.

We don't really see them as fairy tales.

Did I say that? No, no, miracles.

Completely plausible miracles.

- Yeah. - I am ready to help out at Sunday school.

You tell me where and when.

Well, it's in the church on Sunday.

And I was suggesting that you attend Sunday school, not teach it.

- Oh. - Yeah.

Sarah, come on. What's the real reason you came back to the Church?

- It's hard to say. It's complicated. - No, it's not.

To be an Anglican, you simply need to believe in the 39 Articles,

the Sacraments, oh, and of course, the good old Nicene Creed.

You know something? I don't know what to believe anymore.

I'll make it easy for you. Believe in Jesus.

- Isn't that what brought you back? - I don't think so.

I came here because I... I missed something.

You've clearly missed the point of the Church.

- You're right. - Eh, I usually am.

But about what specifically?

Well, that maybe I'm looking for the wrong thing in the wrong place.

I don't want to be Christian again. I'm sorry.

No, no, come on. Don't be sorry. It's only your eternal soul.

Kidding. Sort of. Like 80%.

Anyway, the church will always be here. If you change your mind.

Again.

Church has really changed since I was a little girl.

No, I think you've changed.

- But traditions have their pull. - They sure do. I...

I used to love that brassy thing with the incense in it.

- The censer? - Yeah.

I'll tell you what,

if you decide to come back, I will light it up in your honor.

Yeah. That is nice.

If you'll excuse me, I have some real Christians to attend to.

I'm just gonna stay here for a minute and say my last goodbye.

Yeah, of course.

Oh, my goodness.

Sorry. Like I said, the gate is closed.

Don't you just love those romantic comedies

when the groom is about to make a terrible mistake

and his one true love bolts across the runway, flags down the plane and...

Uh, no. The cockpit is too high.

The pilot would never see you waving, and you'd get crushed to death.

I'm crushed already.

Put me on the next flight out.

Sure, come back at 6:00 tomorrow evening.

But the wedding'll be over!

No happy ending for you, then.

But, hey, if you fill out this form rating my performance,

you might win a toque.

Might win a toque?

All right, give me the form.

Pen?

Oh, no.

The church, the pews, the altar, my organ!

This has been our home for six years.

I feel just awful.

- You should never play with matches. - I wasn't playing.

- You should be grounded. - I'm the one that was grounded.

Stupid airline.

I'm just so sorry.

- Mom, don't blame yourself. - It's okay.

Hey, can I get an exclusive for my show tomorrow?

"Confessions of a firebug."

Fred, Sarah made a mistake, okay?

Everyone knows it was an accident.

It could've happened to any of us.

But don't say a word until you speak to a lawyer.

Accident or not, it's pretty cut and dried that you started the fire.

Some Christian you are burning down the church.

I'm not a Christian anymore!

Some Muslim you are, burning down our mosque!